St Katie of Closure's Journey into the Wilderness : A Chronicle

And on the 16th day of the 11th month, St Katie, newly awarded with 300,000 gold
pieces did once again step into the wilderness. Alone she did walk, accompanied only
by the camera of truth and the Holy Holder of the Script of Prophecy. Alas there did
fall upon the land a shortage of cloth and St Katie did walk with ripped and tattered
clothes, that which made her famous laid almost bare unto the masses.

The Holy Holder of the Script if Prophecy did nod sagely.

And it came to pass that St Katie did stumble unto an oasis wherein gifts were
bestowed upon the 11 acolytes. But St Katie was sorely vexed. “Oh woe unto me for I
do burn upon contact with water. But the acolytes doth starve for there lack of food
for 24 hours, hence I shall sacrifice myself unto the needy.” St Katie went unto the
water, and did burn, but did save from the swamp keys of half a dozen and one.

The Holy Holder of the Script of Prophecy did nod sagely.

But the trials of St Katie did not end, for it came to pass that a sacrifice must be made
for the seven keys. For a time did St Katie ponder, then she spoke unto the masses.
“The acolytes may fornicate elsewhere, as in truth they are persons if very little
import, I shall take from them what they covet and shall bestow them with my gifts”.
And so the dye was cast.

The Holy Holder of the Script of Prophecy did nod sagely.

And lo, did St Katie come unto the 11 acolytes. And acolyte George from the Land
Far Away Where Silicone Grows on Trees did comment upon her vision of loveliness.
And acolyte Sabrina who Covets to Walk in the Path of Alesha did comment upon her
beauty. And even acolyte Justin the Doubtful did comment upon the unexpected joy
he received from her presence. And acolyte Stuart the Beautiful but Empty did sit
within her presence awaiting the massage of the chosen.

The Holy Holder of the Script if Prophecy did nod sagely.

“Be it known unto you” spoke St Katie, “that my love for you shall allow me to sleep
upon the ground in humble surroundings. But be it known that yonder bed did service
me well from half a dozen years hence.” And lo did the acolytes fall onto her in
gratitude and St Katie did sleep upon the feathered bed of the righteous.

And that night they broke bread and St Katie did regale Acolyte George of the parable
of St Katie and Peter the Thrice Damned. And in the morning Judges Antonius and
Decmanicus did bring forth the judgement of the masses. “It has been ordained that St
Katie shall face trial anew” was the judgement. St Katie was sorely vexed once more,
but inwardly rejoiced as it will allow her to preach unto the masses of the Word of St
Katie.

And the Holy Holder of the Script of Prophecy did nod sagely once more.
Lesson 2 – The First Trial of St Katie

And so it came to pass that St Katie did cross the Bridge of the Martyr in order to face
the judgement of the masses. “It has been so ordained that thou shalt face exile within
the dark caverns for 10 minutes” spoke Judges Antonious and Decmanicus, “what
sayeth you unto the Camera of truth.”

“Verily I am bricking it,” sayeth St Katie, “for the dark doth make me sorely vexed,
and it shall burn me as surely as the water of the swamp of keys. But yonder acolytes
doth cry in their hunger, particularly Acolyte Camilla the Stick, whom doth caste tears
of pain in her martyrs life. Therefore, as the chosen prophet of the Overgod Meedja I
shall face exile unto the cavern.”

And St Katie did venture forth into the dark caverns. But the waters of hades did pour
upon her head, sorely burning her. “Forsooth but my suffering is too great,” called St
Katie unto the judges, “I am the chosen of the Overgod Meedja, please extract me
forthwith.” And St Katie was thus pulled from the caverns, beaten and abashed. And
the sacred bag was thus examined and found to contain only four sacred relics. And it
was thus ordained that St Katie and the Acolytes should dine upon the leg of the
beast, in quantities small.

Unto her return to the Church of the Campsite St Katie did gather together the
Acolytes. “I shall now teach you of the Overgod Meedja my Acolytes” she taught,
“Meedja doth bring great reward but also great sorrow. Meedja is all. Totally
surrender yourself to Meedja so your life becomes his and his alone. Meedja can be a
cruel master, and I doth wear my armour of steel when I commune with Meedja, but
my true form is that of a fluffy cloud, I seek only love …. Love of a man who will
also surrender totally to Meedja obviously.”

Then St Katie did adopt the aspect of the cat circling the mouse. “Tell me”, she asked
Acolyte Stuart the Beautiful but Empty, “Art thou skilled in the art of love?” And thus
it came to pass that St Katie did desire of companion with Acolyte Stuart, to hold him
unto her bosom in act of union.

And the following morning Judges Antonious and Decmanicus did once more bring
forth the judgement of the masses. “It is so ordained that St Katie will face trail anew
on the morrow” was the judgement. And the Acolytes did rejoice. And St Katie did
think unto herself, “Oh Lord Meedja, why have the masses forsaken me?”
Lesson 3 – The Passing of Acolyte Camilla the Stick

Great sadness befell the Church of the Campsite at the revelation that Acolyte Camilla
the Stick had left the wilderness. “Oh woe unto us”, the Acolytes did wail, “for now
we number but 10, and we may be summoned by the judges Antonious and
Decmanicus to face the judgement of the masses.”

“But weep ye not,” admonished St Katie, “for in truth Acolyte Camilla the Stick has
gone to a better place. A place of bountiful comfort and food. With room service. On
the other side even the Water of Hades has a temperature control, and is available for
early morning swims. And I know this to be true for I have beheld it with mine own
eyes, and feasted of it’s pleasures six years hence. It was on the other side where I
entered into my holy union with Peter the Thrice Damned and held him to my
bosom.”

“And Meedja shall provide for Acolyte Camilla the Stick. Meedja will bestow upon
her the blessings of the exclusive, and an audience in the Holy Church of Gee-Em
Teevee. As an Acolyte she will be enshrined in the pages of the Holy Book of Heat.
Surrender to Meedja and Meedja will provide.”

“In time another will emerge to fill her mantle. He shall be Acolyte Joe of the Way of
the Fist. He shall be welcome to gaze upon my bosom with wonderment, and shall
bathe within the Holy Waters of the jungle shower. This is my prophecy. Amen.”
Lesson 4 – The Second Trial of St Katie

And once more it came to pass that St Katie did cross the Bridge of Martyrs to face
the judgement of the masses. There lay before her a bottle, sorely empty. “Be it
known that it has been so ordained that thou shalt lay within yonder bottle and share
with us the fruits of your knowledge” spoke forth Judges Antonious and Decmanicus.

“But woe unto me”, wailed St Katie, “for in truth I am but a simple servant of Meedja
with very little knowledge. But the acolytes doth cry for food, so verily I shall enter
yonder bottle of knowledge.” And St Katie did enter the Bottle of Knowledge. And
great pestilence was let loose upon her bosom. And the corkscrew of fate did decree
that six holy relics would be gathered on that day.

St Katie did return unto the Church of the Campsite and once more called unto her the
Acolytes.

“What thinkest thou of my teachings of Meedja?” she did ask.

“I am sorely troubled”, spoke forth Acolyte Kim the Anti-Katie, the Beast of Vim,
“for is it not true that thou art as the Whore of Babylon to the favours of Meedja?”

“You have sorely misunderstood Acolyte Kim, for tis the truth that I do not seek out
Meedja, but Meedja doth seek out me.”

“I say thee nay St Katie. For I have seen with mine own eyes the aspect of you in the
Holy Waters of the jungle shower, your ample bosom thrust upwardly toward the all
seeing lenses of Meedja. In truth thou are in full knowledge that thou shall appear in
the tabloid pamphlets of Meedja and the Holy Book of Heat.”

And it came to pass that as prophesized a stranger did enter unto the Church of the
Campsite. “Enter unto here for you art welcome in my bosom” bade St Katie. And
Acolyte Joe of the Way of the Fist did regale the gathered Acolytes with tales of the
strange beasts that lurketh amongst them, who may rob them of their eyes and strike
them lame as they slept.

“I beg of thee cease”, wailed Acolyte Lucy who had of old dwelt in the East, “for in
truth thou art giving me the proper willies.” And the Acolytes did sleep the restless
sleep of the unworthy.
Lesson 5 – The Third Trial of St Katie

And on the fourth day St Katie and the Acolytes did once more cross the Bridge of
Martyrs to face judgement before the masses. “Sit thee down on the wooden benches
of suspense” bade Judges Antonious and Decmanicus, “ and we shall bring forth the
judgment of the masses. Be it known to thee that those amongst you who art lame
shall not face the judgment at the behest of the physician. And be it known in the
presence of the acolytes that the judgement of the masses decrees that St Katie should
once again be called forth to face trail.”

“A pox upon thee,” cajoled St Katie, “for the masses truly art the spawn of doubtful
parentage. May they be cursed with the vile aspect of the outcast Jody of Marsh, from
whom even Meedja hath turned away. So be it. The acolytes doth cry for the gifts
from above. I shall face trial anew.”

And it came to pass that St Katie did face trials six. She did place her head unto the
Chamber of the Worm and did emerge triumphant. And thence did pass without
incident over the Globe of Serpents., and once more did brave the Waters of Hades
where the spawn of the beast did dwell.

And thence did they ask of St Katie to drink from the Goblet of the Beetle. “Forsooth
but nary the taste be too vile, and the stench be that of the rotting corpse of Goody. I
must with shame decline.” she did wail. And so St Katie did move onto the Water of
the Slippery Eel, and did wear the Coat of Pestilence.

And it was thus decreed that nine sacred relics were gathered to the joy of the
acolytes. Acolyte Gino of the Stove did beseech upon the bearer of gifts from above,
“Pray bestow upon us the gift of garlic lest the blandness of the food spread
melancholy on our hearts.” And the lesson of the Third Trail of St Katie did end.
Lesson 6 - The Idolization of St Katie

And on this day did St Katie gather together the Acolytes with dread tidings. “The
masses do judge me foully and melancholy hath overtaken me. I feel I should leave
the wilderness for the other place, for in truth the Lord Meedja hath already bestowed
upon me bountiful gifts aplenty.”

And The Holy Holder of the Script of Prophecy was sorely vexed. He did call
together the acolytes. “Goest thou unto yonder confessional box a speak hosannas of
St Katie unto the masses through the Camera of Truth“.

And Acolyte Jimmy the Ball did say “When St Katie did call unto her children even
the angels of heaven did weep tears of joy.”

And Acolyte Colin who wishes to be the most chosen of Katie did wail, “When St
Katie does doff her steel armour of Meedja she can lay low the entire army of China
armed with only a potato peeler.”

And Acolyte Gino of the Stove did protest, “Tis an abomination that St Katie be
called to face trial. We would all lay sacrifice of ourselves to face peril in her place.”

Word did then come down from the Mighty One that the Church of the Campsite was
to be torn asunder. St Katie and The Acolytes were lead unto the Waters of Hades
whence they were bade to prove their worthiness by holding back the Beast who
Dwells Above armed with only faith in Lord Meedja and a simple staff of wood. But
one by one the Acoyltes did fall by the wayside, and the Beast did rain down horror
upon their heads.

It came to pass that only Acolyte Sabrina who Covets to Walk in the Path of Alesha,
and Acolyte Stuart the Beautiful but Empty did remain. And for an eternity did they
hold back the beast until Stuart was struck lame, and the beast did bring down it’s
horror. “Be it known that those who have been judged worthy in this task shall dwell
with St Katie in the Church of the Campsite, where bountiful feast shall be bestowed,
whereas those who have been judged unworthy shall face the Barren Rock of the
Outcast and dwell amongst the pestilence and vermin”, came the Judgement of
Antonious and Decmanicus, “and while were at it, Katie’s doing the next trial too. So
be it.”
Lesson 7 - The Fourth Trial of St Katie

And a great darkness did fall across the heart of St Katie as the news of the trial was
broken. “May they be cursed to damnation”, she did cajole, “for in truth I do not give
the fornication of a monkey for the masses. They be simple and unwashed, and some
are so foul of face that it doth burn my eyes to gaze upon their countenance. But
Meedja hath taught us that we must be beloved unto the masses before bountiful
reward is bestowed, and so I shall call upon witness to my children, and don the
mantle of the martyr, for is it not written that there be a sucker born every minute?”

And St Katie did march with great ire across the Bridge of Martyrs where she once
again gave audience to the Judges from the North. “Behold the Rock of Mystery” did
speak the judges, “what thinkest you of its sheer cliffs?”

“Verily tis a task almost impossible,” wailed St Katie, “for should I slip I will surely
die upon the barren soil of despair that does lie at the base of the rock!”

“I say thee nay St Katie, for thou art do exaggerate. In truth thou art attached to the
strong rope of salvation, and thou art in no more danger than a lion in a field of
rabbits. Should thou slip not a chip shall befall your manicure.”

At St Katie did ascend the Rock of Mystery and a great feast was secured for the
worthy in The Church of the Campsite. And for the unworthy who did dwell on the
Barren Rock of the Outcast bread was secured, so they may mop up the remnants of
the pan of St Katies feast which will serve as supplement to their vermin stew. And at
this news Acolyte Gino of the Stove did give praise unto the Camera of Truth, “St
Katie did perform a miracle this day. Praise be unto Meedja”

But still the masses were not satiated. For once more did they ordain that St Katie
would face trial. “It shall pass that both St Katie and Acolyte Kim the Anti-Katie, the
Beast of Vim, shall feast upon the table of Satan. This is the judgement of the masses.
Let it be so.”
Lesson 8 – St Katie’s Feast at Satan’s Table

And St Katie and Acolyte Kim the Anti-Katie, the Beast of Vim, did sit at Satan’s
table with great trepidation, and the Judges did bring forth the feast. And first they did
feast upon the Eye of the Beast from the Depths. But St Katie did feel a crisis of
resolve. “But woe unto me, for my teeth art the treasure of a nation, they be gifts I
have given unto myself from my share of the bounty of Meedja. ‘Tis surely the case
that the worthy acolytes would choose starvation rather than a cap amongst them be
chipped. I must decline the generosity of Satan.” But Acolyte Kim did eat of the eye,
and they both did feast on the pestilence, and the Passage of the Kangaroo. It then
came to pass that Satan did bring forth the Seed of the Kangaroo and bade the two eat
heartily of it. But St Katie, her belly already swollen form such pleasant repast did,
once again refuse Satan’s hospitality. And Acolyte Kim did keep her own counsel, but
thought unto herself, “But is it not fact that this be not the first time that seed have
been spilt within the mouth of St Katie?”

St Katie did return onto the Church of the Campsite and did spread the news of the
feast amongst the worthy, but a dread quiet did fall amongst the acolytes. The
question did spread like wildfire, “But is it not written that St Katie can lay waste to
whole nations in her courage? And yet Acolyte Kim, who dwells amongst the
unworthy, did accomplish what St Katie did not. We understand this not.”

And upon seeing the doubt of the Acolytes the Holy Holder of the Script of Prophecy
did feel great anger. “Blasphemy most foul”, did he rage, “taketh the doubting ones
into the Box of Confession so that they do say many Hail Katie’s unto the masses. We
must be certain that these fornicators remain on message.”

And as night befell the Acolytes did speak great love onto St Nelson Mandela, and his
suffering and triumph of two score years. And St Katie did listen, her countenance
troubled as an anus recently smote by human hand. “Gadzooks,” she did think unto
herself, “why art they talking of so small a figure? Hath he faced the Water of Hades?
I think not. Know they not that true greatness dwells amongst them. What know the
masses of true courage in the face of adversity? Methinks that, horror heaped upon
horror, the masses may make their own decisions without the guiding hand of Meedja,
should this continue. Tis surely the first sign of Armageddon
Final Lesson - The Ascension of St Katie to The Other Place

And it came to pass that on the day of the end times Judges Antonious and
Decmanicus did walk unto the Church of the Campsite to deliver the judgement of the
masses. “It it so ordained that St Katie and Acolyte Joe of the Way of the Fist shall
face trial on this day. Let it be so”.

And a great anger did overcome St Katie like a tempest from the bowels of the
demon. “The masses may go and fornicate amongst themselves. For in truth they do
get most splendid sport from my martyrdom. I shall do it not. My journey into the
wilderness shall end this day and I shall cross unto the Other Place, where I will once
again bathe of the Water of Hades, only this time it be perfumed and bubbly. The
masses doth hate me greatly for my sins, both real and imagined, so fornicate this for
a game of soldiers.”

And the Acolytes did gather around her amid great wailing. “Please do not leave us St
Katie, for who shall teach us of Meedja now?”

“Away from me foul underlings”, St Katie did rage, “for the die is cast!..Aye, maybe
tis fitting that the journey should end on the day that Sister Danni of the Minogue did
slay the Abomination of Jedward. Tis surely a sign from Meedja.”

“For I have seen a vision sent from Meedja. I see a man, he has travelled far, and he
cometh to propose unto me Holy Union, and I wish to hold him unto my bosom. And
Meedja hath shown me a gathering, were we shall be joined. And I see before me a
vision of a dress. It be pink and clustered with the jewels of heaven. And I see make-
up thicker then the hide of an elephant, and that be just mine spouse. For my own
dress shall be talked about by the masses for eons, as they gaze upon it with
unknowing wonderment.”

“And Meedja have promised bountiful rewards, for the pamphlets of Meedja will
surely wage war unto each other, and that which doth promise me the most gold coins
will be chosen. This is my vision of the future”.

“So you see masses, you may hath won this one, but like the Terminator I shall be
back, bigger and brasher than ever. And there be nothing thou can do about it, tis as
inevitable as the setting of the sun.” And with these words St Katie did walk unto the
confessional box and the angels did descend to bear her away to The Other Place,
where she did dwell in five star luxury.

And the Acolytes did witness the Ascension, and when St Katie had indeed gone
Justin the Doubtful did walk unto the side of Acolyte Kim the Anti-Katie, the Beast of
Vim. “What thinkest you of that?” he did ask.

“Oh darling thank f**k that’s over. I can stop talking in this bloody stupid pompous
neo-biblical way and maybe we can have a bit of fun”, Kim laughed, “and is it just me
or can you hear When the Going Gets Tough the ‘Tough’ Get Going by Billy Ocean.
That song has taken on a new meaning today ….. Methinks”

Here the Chronicle of St Katie of Closure’s Journey into the Wilderness doth end. The
author doth thank you muchly for all you most kind comments.