How to Communicate in an Assertive Manner

Speaking assertively is not magic. It is a technique that you can practice at ho

me in your own time, by yourself or with close ones to provide feedback. This ar
ticle provides some tips on how to go about assertive communication.
1. When you talk, use the word "I". Avoid using the word "you", as this sto
ps you from trying to make the other person responsible, blame them or put words
into their mouth.
2. Maintain eye contact in a way that is both natural and comfortable. Don'
t outstare a person but do look them in the eyes regularly to show your interest
in them and your certainty in yourself. If you worry about looking into the eye
s, look just above.
3. Keep your body posture alert and confident. Don't slouch and think of st
retching yourself from your head to your toes, sitting or standing. Pay particul
ar attention to the neck, shoulder and upper back regions. Also, don't give off
angry or self-effacing vibes - stand/sit straight!
4. Gestures are useful and important. Make gestures which give a sense of w
armth and openness on your behalf - open palms, circular arm movements, smiles,
wrinkles of the nose, hugs etc
5. Avoid confusing messages. Mean what you say. If you say yes, you should
mean it. If you say no, you should mean it. Don't go back on promises or firm st
atements.
6. Remember that silence is a tool, not an enemy. Learn to be comfortable w
ith silence and use pauses to main effect to let the other person digest what yo
u have just said. This is also useful for public speaking - people hang off what
you have just said and wait for your next words.
7. Always know what you want when you are asking for something from another
person. Keep this goal in mind and don't sway.
8. Speak clearly. Always. Mumbling, muttering and circular sentences do not
hing to further communication.
9. Don't swear (curse) or talk rudely in tone. Use proper language.
10. Be careful about the tone of your voice. Keep it evenly moderated and av
oid getting a high-pitched, whiny or tearful tone.
11. If you feel tears or anger coming on, breathe very deeply from the stoma
ch - you should be able to see your stomach rise out and pull back in. This deep
breathing will calm you in as little as 4 - 5 breaths.
12. Be careful to speak at a conversational level - not too loud and not too
soft. If you are too soft, the other person will think you are trying to hide y
ourself and may ignore you. If you are too loud, the other person may become sca
red or angered by your voice.
13. The most important thing is to believe that you are responsible for your
self. No-one else is responsible for how you behave and who you are. And your wa
nts are as real as anyone else's. Don't blame or resort to whining about another
person's behavior.
14. Express your emotions clearly. Focus on how you feel rather than saying
"you did X, Y, Z."
Tips
If you are someone who keeps your emotions repressed and your body muscles take
the full brunt, it is important to exercise and stretch those muscles to stop th
is. You will stand taller, breathe better and feel stronger if you do this and e
xercise helps to free your emotions.
If the conversation becomes too heated, ask for time-out or a break. Explain tha
t it has nothing to do with the other person, it is just that you feel confused,
tired or need time to reflect and that you will resume the conversation later.
Don't yell or say things you'll regret later. This may seem like an easy option
at the time but memories linger and it achieves nothing more than agitating and
angering both parties. Assertiveness is about conveying your wants and needs wit
hout raising your voice.
Learning assertive communication takes time. Don't give up, just keep on practic
ing in everyday situations - supermarket queues are excellent!
Many of us try to seek people's approval in our actions, speech etc. Before we d
o something or say something, we try to think whether the other person will get
angry at us or not. We try to avoid saying things that can earn the wrath of oth
ers, even if that is the right thing to say or do. When we let go of this habit,
we will not only be able to freely express our thoughts, we can also become mor
e assertive. We will say and do things without worrying what others will think o
f us, and it can help turn us into a more charismatic person.
You should care if you offend someone. You should care for others' feelings but
in a positive way, not in a way which weakens you. There is no problem if you he
sitate to say something because you do not want to hurt the listener, but if you
r hesitation is due to fear and not because of genuine sympathy for the listener
, then you need to work on overcoming this negative trait within you.
If you have been in the habit of constantly seeking other's approval, then you m
ight not overcome this habit overnight but if you keep working at it, eventually
you should.