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Anatomy of a Failed Date

by Chase Amante
Tuesday, 17 June 2014
I found myself seated several evenings ago next to a young couple who were obviously on a first date. The girl was thin
and okay-looking, though shed lopped her hair off into a not-very-attractive medium-length boy cut, while the man was
tall and lanky with a somewhat awkward accent I couldnt quite place, but otherwise not too bad. She was dressed more
fashionably than he was, her in a frilly white button down shirt, while he seemed to just be wearing a standard t-shirt or
polo shirt.
My ears perked up because it was obvious from the moment I sat down that the guy had some game; what Im always
curious of in these types of situations, though, is, How much?
As it turned out, the guy had just enough game to get the girl extremely excited about him... before running the date
straight into a concrete wall.

And thats what I want to talk about today, because the things this guy did right and the ones he did wrong are something I
see lots of newer guys making in their dates and interactions, and ones I certainly made a lot myself early on.
Because it often isnt the grabbing her interest and exciting her part guys fail at; its all the stuff that comes after that.


When I first sat down, the pair were already somewhat into the date as it was. Id guess theyd probably already been there
an hour or so, because things were quite warmed up and the girl was already clearly quite comfortable, enjoying herself
and the fellows company, and laughing hard at his jokes.
Just as I sat down, the male (lets call him Joe) started talking to the female (lets call her Kate) about some musician they
both seemed to know.
He started off asking her about different bands, and then segued into talking about this guy a few boring details first,
then a discussion of what a committed, passionate musician this guy was, and next this:
Joe: Have you ever had anything you did that you were thatpassionate about?
Kate: No! [said happily and excitedly]
Joe: I mean, the guy would just sit down every day and jam. Every day. He never missed a day. And he didnt always play
for that long and he didnt always come up with anything good, but he did it every day and youve got to respect that. He
just loved it so much. He finished something new every single day, he was just that in love with it and that committed to it.
Kate: That is so cool.
Joe: Isnt it cool? I mean, to be able to live with that much passion. To just live your life like that.
Kate: Its amazing.
This was right when I sat down, and while my first thought was, Why are you talking about some band? Its distant and
impersonal! once he got into all the passion talk I said to myself, Okay, not too bad; this guys got some game.
In case you didnt catch what he was doing there, he was using NLP to put her into a state of mind of living life
passionately (using an example she related to, stressing how amazing and good it was to make it a desirable thing to live
passionately, and then repeating it several times using you live YOUR life like that, be able to live with that much
passion, have YOU ever had anything YOU were that passionate about, etc.).
I wouldnt have picked that example per se (some celebrity musician is still pretty standard and impersonal for
conversation fare far better to tell a story about some no-name person you knew who lived a life filled with passion, then
its totally fresh and gripping as a tale), but this is better than what a lot of guys muster up on a date. The overall themes
were good.
At that point, I was immediately rooting for Joe, our hero. Clearly the man had spent time studying how to do well with
girls and on dates, and its hard not to respect someone like that, who isnt content to simply float along on the stream of
life doing whatever and then getting pissed off because no one hands him results. He was a conscious, aware, upwardly-
arcing individual.
Yet, hed prove himself shortly to be a mere padawan in the dating game... with much more to learn, and many
painful lessons still to come.

The Gnawing Horror of Overgaming
Immediately after Joe had finished this NLP sequence about living life passionately, Kates emotions crested. She had
peaked; she was leaning in hard across the table to him, laughing heartily at everything he said, speaking to him with a
throaty bedroom tone, and utterly transfixed by him. He had her.
So what did he do?
Well, next, he launched into a cold read.

You seem like someone with a lot of... something. I couldnt make it out clearly, and I didnt really care. He was using
Barnum statements now to tell her about herself.
Quit stalling and PULL! I thought. She was ready to leave with him there and then; hed brought her emotions and
the sexual tension she felt with him to a crescendo, and now it was time to either end the date on a high point (if
usingdate compression) or stand up and invite her home (if going for first date sex thatd be my suggestion in that
situation; she was ready enough for it).
But instead he just sat there and kept going.
She ate up the cold read it did him no harm.
She agreed with him wholeheartedly he was absolutely right, she agreed with him.
Yet, her emotions didnt peak any higher they couldnt. She was excited as she was going to get in a public caf with a
bunch of strangers around and this guy not doing anything with her.
Next, he went into some sort of thing about guys hitting on her at a bar and things theyd say. Terrible. Why would you
talk about that? I think he was trying to demonstrate how different he is from all those lame drunken guys you meet out
at a bar... or something.
He was simply doing his best to tread water to stay in place because he obviously didnt know what else to do.
Then, after a few minutes of this, he decided it was time to implode.

Walking the Plank
Now Joe deemed it time to tell a story.
While Kate sat and listened, Joe launched into a longwinded story about how everyone thought his friend was gay and
how the friend used this to pick up chicks.
Joe: ... and I tried telling him Dude, if you dress like that, people are going to think youre gay, but he just never got it
and he kept dressing that way. So he would go out, and women would just think he was gay! And guys would be hitting on
him and everyone would think he was gay, but you know what? He didnt care because itworked! He would actually get
these girls. They would be there with him and thinking he was gay and then hed kiss them and say, I was gay, but I
guess now Im not anymore, and by then it was too late and he had them.
(Actually, a lot of similarities in this story here to what used to happen with a friend of mine from Southern California
hed tell women he was gay, and theyd let him get away with all kinds of things like grabbing their breasts and whatnot,
and alone back at his place while he escalated to sex theyd burst out with Wait I thought you were gay?! and hed say
You know what I was!!! and then just keep going. So either Joes a reader of the site, we have a friend in common, or
a guy acting gay to get girls isnt too uncommon an occurrence)
Throughout this whole story, Kate just sat there and paid attention (silently crying Come on! Stopped talking about your
gay friend and PULL ME!!! I imagine), nodding and Ehm-hmming the whole time.
But Joe wasnt finished yet. Not even close!
After this story, he paused for a moment; the pause was a pregnant one, and when Kate didnt fill it herself, Joe decided
to take the initiative and just keep talking.
Joe: When I would go out with him to the bars, everyone just assumed we were both gay and together. I would get these
gay guys hitting on me and telling me Im handsome and offering to buy me drinks because they just assumed I was gay
too.
Obviously assuming that his masculinity had not been called into question enough, Joe continued:
Joe: ... so some girls just would NOT believe me when Id tell them I wasnt gay! My one female friend insisted on
sharing a naked massage room together with me because she thought I was gay.
Nail, meet coffin.
Throughout all this, Kates vibe had plunged from Take me NOW, sexy man! to Oh, how nice, friend.
Her laughter switched from nervously, sexually excited to friendly polite laughter.
She relaxed more in her seat and the tension that was there completely dissipated.
Id actually considered writing a giant PULL!!!! sign and holding it up behind her head where she couldnt see it for him
to see earlier on, and now I regretted not doing it. I hoped the date completely tanked and she left without him so I could
take him aside and lecture him on the finer points of dating, but he walked her out of there soon after.
By the time they left, hed done 97% of the talking, and her mood had visibly shifted from one of being a very horny
girl to one of being a mildly interested but mostly platonic friend.
I didnt follow them so I cant tell you with certainty what happened after but I can guess.
Typically, once a date peaks and then falls like this, you do not recover.
Chances are, there wont be a second date, or if there is, it isnt long before Kate tells Joe she just wants to be friends.
And Joe will scratch his head, and wonder what happened, and think to himself how sure he was at one point that she
wanted him... but hell suppose his read must have been off, because that interest certainly wasnt there now.
And hell move on, and meet some other girls, and make the same mistakes with most of them, until eventually he meets a
girl he lucks into sleeping with (probably because shes so damn excited about him that no amount of bumbling on his part
can talk her out of it).
Meanwhile, Kate will leave frustrated and annoyed at having met YET ANOTHER man who seemed to be perfect early on,
only to reveal his true stripes later into the date and end up being just one more disappointment to add to the string of them
she keeps encountering.
But Joe (or whatever his name really was) COULD HAVE had this girl and probably even shouldve.
If only he ran his date right.


So where were all the mistakes in that date there? Did you spot them?
I helped you out a bit and pointed out a lot of the glaring things I saw as we went.
But just in case you didnt catch them, lets start with a summary.

Everything Joe Did Wrong
Not to pick on Joe, but to learn from him, heres what he did wrong on that date (of the things that I witnessed, in any
event):
1. He spent way too much time talking about himself. If youre asuper talkative person, you can make this
style work sometimes, and especially with the right kind of girl (in this case, Kate was a good match for this style she
seemed quiet and somewhat shy)... but usually, the majority of the talking should be done by her, not you. See: deep
diving;eliciting values; conversation game.
2. He moved backwards in the interaction. When youve brought her to an emotional crescendo, its vital that
you take things forward. Yet, instead, Joe froze up here, not knowing what to do or, more likely, fearing leaping over the
brink, and instead tried to go backwards... shooting himself in the foot in the process. You do not go from deep NLP
connection + girl is horny and sexually excited to telling her a story about your gay friend, unless that story is going to
make her even hornier (and this one clearly was not going to do that).
3. He spent too much time treading water. Again, instead of taking action, Joe would tread water or fill
awkward pauses himself. The communication to the girl here was that he, Joe, was not in charge of the interaction, which
must mean that she, Kate, is (which... is kind of weird, since hed been doing so much talking and leading up to those
moments), and that Joe is waiting for some kind of loud and clear and unmistakable sign from Kate before he does
anything. Big turn off when a girl is excited and waiting to receive you, only to realize that you are waiting for her to lead.
4. He started talking about irrelevant things. The musician thing turned out to be relevant because Joe was
able to use this to seed Kate living her life passionately every day. But talking about the friend who dressed gay, and
hooked up with girls who thought he was gay, and the girl who thought he, Joe, was gay? Totally irrelevant. Im 98%
certain Kate was sitting there gritting her teeth wondering why he was talking about this instead of sweeping her off her
feet and into his bed, before throwing her hands up altogether and conceding defeat.
5. He trashed the competition. High value genuine men do not trash the competition because they do not need to
trash the competition; the competition isnt really competition at all, and besides, men at the top social echelon are too
busy leading and guiding others to engage themselves in the petty backstabbing and ladder-climbing of those squabbling
lower down on the rungs.
6. He started talking about picking up women. If you want to make a woman especially one whos visibly
working to show you she likesyou feel totally non-special and low value, just talk about picking up chicks. Youll
immediately position yourself as some shallow playboy who simply mouths meaningful-sounding things without actually
having any meaning behind them, and send her into auto-rejection faster than you can say, Im a big fat pimp.
Additionally, you show that you probablydont get it, because if you did, and you were genuinely good with women,
youd be discreet legit playboys dont kiss and tell.
7. He destroyed his own masculinity and displayed negative preselection. When you tell a story, if
its about yourself, you want to use it as a vehicle for conveying good things about yourself; things like your power,
desirability, fecundity, etc. Instead, by telling a story about how people thought he was gay because of his gay friend and
how a female friend of his was so certain he was gay that she utterly wrote him off as a sexual prospect, Joe communicated
here that he was a man with negative preselection women who should want him actually viewed him as sexually
inconsequential. Considering that women rate as most desirable those men other women find most desirable, this
obviously does some very bad things for attraction. If you want to kill all desire a woman might have for you in the span
of 5 seconds, simply tell her that other attractive women laugh at the idea of you being sexual.
8. He moved slow and let mistakes kill him. Why do I tell you tomove fast with women? Because the longer
you take, the more time you allow yourself to make a some of these boneheaded mistakes that sink your love boat now and
forever with a given girl.

... and of course:
9. He missed his escalation window. Attraction expires, Joe missescalation windows at your very real peril.

How to Not Pull a Joe
Lets say you find yourself on a date (or in a good interaction with some girl youve just met). How do you not end up like
Joe?
Why, you do it by minding the things he messed up, and doing the opposite of them:
1. You spend most of your time listening. Instead of doing so much talking about yourself that you inadvertently
veer into telling the story of that girl who considered you so asexual that she wanted to get naked around you WITHOUT
trying to seduce you, spend your timelistening instead. You remove a lot of pressure from yourself to be entertaining or
to come up with the right thing to say, and, as a huge bonus, women actually prefer to talk about themselves than to
listen to you talk about yourself. Everybody wins.
2. You move relentlessly forward. No stalling, treading water, or moving backwards. You move forward at all
times lead her, be decisive, and take action. When it starts feeling like its time for something to happen, it is. Dont
put it off because youre scared of what might happen... because I guarantee you, you WILL lose her if you do delay
instead of act.
3. You keep your conversation on-point. What should you talk about when youre the one doing the talking? I
listed a bunch of topics you should talk about in the article on storytelling (skim down to the section header Choosing
Your Story Content); as a brief refresher, they are:
Dominance
Prosocial behavior
Adventurousness
A devil may care attitude
A few vulnerabilities / Byronic personality traits
Id probably also include preselection in there while were at it. Point is, if youre telling a story, you must have a
REASON for telling that story and that reason must be something greater than because its entertaining. Of course
its entertaining every story you tell should be entertaining. But there must be something deeper within it as well,
otherwise, youre just throwing about fluff.
4. You must not trash the competition. High value men dont do this. It makes you look bad and not significantly
above their level. If you are genuinely high above their level, you simply wont bring them up because you spend exactly 0%
of your time thinking about them, and ifshe brings them up you treat it as an amusing curiosity and move off the topic
quickly because its irrelevant and boring to you. Sort of like if you were an 8th-degree black belt and someone brought up
how pugilistic some of the yellow belts are. Thats a non-issue for you, because you dont roll in their circles, dont study
with them, and they dont ever mess with you or any of your friends anyway because they know you would kick their tails.
Youd just shrug and say, Are they? Hm, and be done with the topic.
5. You do not undermine your masculinity. This should be paramount whenever you are talking about yourself,
but, yes dont make yourself sound asexual, impotent, weak, or otherwise sexually undesirable. You may still stumble
into doing this when youre a beginner, so dont beat yourself up too much, just realize when you do it and resolve to do
better. You dont need to be puffing yourself up to sound like Hercules, but youmustnt undermine your own masculinity
or virility its akin to trying to sell cars while talking about how little horsepower your vehicles have and how nobody
wants them. Dont do that.
6. You do not talk about picking up. Would you brag about all the business negotiations youve come out on top
of in the middle of a business negotiation? How about all the interviews youve aced in the middle of an interview? All the
friends youve made with a new person you were courting for friendship? No? Then dont talk about all the girls you
pick up or sleep with when youre picking up or on a date with a girl.
7. Move faster. Think youre moving too fast on your dates? I bet you can move faster still. Unless youre someone
who speeds through things by default (and probably needs to learn to put the brakes on a bit), I can almost guarantee you
youre probably moving a lot more slowly than you need to be. How many dates have you had that ended in 10 or 15
minutes because the girl was already so horny you decided to pull then and there? None? Youre probably not moving
fast enough... because I BET youve had SOME dates where you showed up and the girl was clearly very into you right
away, but you just sat there for a couple of hours because Well, a date has to be at least a few hours. Drop the
presumptions about how things should go and go do what the moment calls for.
8. Hit those escalation windows. There are only two excuses for missing escalation windows with a girl you like:
one is that you dont know what to do, and the other is that youre afraid to do it. If youre missing escalation windows,
you need to pay more attention to the women youre out with and the little gut feelings you get around them, and probably
study up on escalation windows and learn better what to look for; but if youre missing windows because youre stalling
and hesitant to act, its time to knock this off and take charge of your dates. Trust me, shedesperately wants to meet a
man she not only gets excited about, but who senses her excitement, takes action, and brings her to satisfaction and release.
She is waiting for a man like that... because most of them she meets do stall, and do delay, and do wait for attraction to
expire altogether before they ever start to earnestly pursue.
Its a shame that Joes date with Kate had to end on such anticlimactic terms, but hopefully he had the chance to go home
and reflect and maybe even realized that he had her, he just didnt take the shot when the shot was wide open.
And from Joes stumbling and bumbling comes a reminder and an opportunity: chances are, youre not losing dates
because you arent getting women interested enough... but rather, youre not doing what you need to do with the
women who are.
So, dont run your dates like Joe move fast, take action, and seize those escalation windows, and instead of turning girls
from excited to blas, you will take them from excited all the way to satisfied and relieved.
Chase Amante

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