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Z.S.C.H.W.A.O.

By Sumit G. Arora

All publishing rights unreserved

All earnings from this book will be donated to charity.

If you find this book interesting, please logon to zschwao.wordpress.com

For donations, mail powerspike@gmail.com

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 Time consumes all beings
including oneself;
the being who consumes time,
cooks the cooker of beings.(24)

24. Jaataka,ed.V. Fausboll (London, (1895-1907), ii.260.

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 X

The thought train chugs along, halting only at predetermined stations to carry Buddhists
safely to their world. The sound of fantasy travel grows louder by the station, halting
indefinitely for those who are new to the real world. The louder the sound, the closer I
am to my destination, I think.

It’s the same thing every time- train stops; I look out to stare at a board painted white;
and the train chugs again. There is always just one wanting to get into the train, and
always just one wanting to get out- the awe-inspiring symmetry has crept even to this
stage and the unknown still is the unknown; I think.

The train runs in a perfect circle, a zero, and it stops at arbitrary stations confusing
people outside and inside. Even these tirthankaras; these highest levels in humanity;
either by info leaks or by effort, are left confused. Those with effort wait for a sign, a
symbol or a weird act of chance that will tell them that they need to get down.

Once he gets down after being signaled by the other, the train blasts along, getting so
fast it’s scary. The speed thought moves has always been scary, I think.

I am dying by the sound of this thought train and all I really want is to alight at my
station. All I want is to slow down this maddening pace of thought sequences, all I want
is to be able to sleep. I haven’t slept for so many days I think…all I really want is to sleep,
but I can’t sleep until my sign, I want my sign so damn much.

The sounds get louder after every stop. And then out of the blue, there is the silence I
had been searching for. Everything is silent, not one wanting to board or alight. There is
no confusion, for everyone’s asleep. Not even one confused breath - eternal
uninterrupted peace. This, then, is my sign, yes, this is what I always wanted, everlasting
silence. The train had stopped. I had woken up to the silence. Sleepily I dial my own
number. I knew and I trusted the system to wake up my companion with vibrations, with
sensations, with a vibrating alert. I trusted the system with my life. And it trusted me back
with a call diverted. But he did not wake up. Alas, the burden of my guilt.

I needed to figure what was wrong with my system, my world. Something was wrong;
my companion was taking too long. I trusted the system, but I did not trust my
companion. Ah right, in my world, the system were the people! My system had
depended on an error! Anyway, I am kicking my companion, but he doesn’t want to
get down! The train is not moving until I get down I think….which is when I slowly hear
sounds again. The train has moved again, but I know the train is only moving in circles.

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My station will come again, and this time there will be no mistakes.

And then the sounds reverberate. The wait is slowly turning painful. Again a frenzied
world, weird smells, weird sounds, and weird Japs. Weird are the ways…the ways of
curiosity, the ways of awareness, the ways of impulse….or maybe not, after all its all
about imagination, I think.

KHDGAD! Ah the silence again…I know I can’t use sound to wake up my friend. My
world does not have sounds. I kick him awake. I tell him to get down. But he says our
destination is far. I want to trust him but I cannot. The train is moving again. Remorse, he
had spoken. He had made it move and I am dying; dying to sleep; dying for silence.

I make him trust me. I tell him it’s a game I tell him to trust me. But he doesn’t want to, so
I force him to believe me. I tell him to trust me, to believe me; he doesn’t want to, his
world is a different world. I tell him to look into my eyes, for in my world, eyes are the
pathways to the soul. I think I touched him this time and now when I wanted to get
down, he followed my thought.

Finally, quiet my world or not quiet? Only time will tell, only my alarm will tell…only the
sound of the bell will tell. There is only the sound of the bell in my world. The serene
sacred jingle of the bell in a vibrating peaceful world is all I wanted. This is what I will get,
quite soon. But I could hear a person…which only meant one thing, my world is not
aware yet. It was silly of me not to trust my friend. He leads, I follow, and we are both
confused by the power of my own thought.

I am home, but I still hear sounds. When will I reach my world? When will I reach my
fruition? I force the sound of the bell, but I ignore time this way. So it’s all an endless
wait……a wait that is my reality. Only stopping time will force a world devoid of sound, I
think, sounds both internal to my body, and the warring confused outside. What have I
done to my world… maybe I should change myself to this new reality, maybe I all I
really need to see are a great pair of ray-bans. Ah, the guilt, the eternal guilt, it doesn’t
let me sleep; it doesn’t let me see…when indeed will I know that I have arrived? When
will these sounds stop?

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 IX

It’s all going to end tomorrow. I want to say it wasn’t tough, I want to say it was all easy,
but i cannot.

I haven’t slept for 9 days. Every time I have tried to take a small nap, sounds of my own
heart beat have woken me up. How did I know that I won’t forget to breathe? How did
I know my heart will keep beating while I sleep? How would I know if I don’t get up the
next morning? Can I really trust my temporal body? Can I really trust my heart?

Maddening thoughts of soul cleansing, final attainment, complete peace and the
meanings of all of these kept me awake every moment. It had taken such sharp
discerning logic to conclude that there is no good, there is no bad, that it is only our
thinking that made it so.

Finally, after a back numbing struggle of 8 long days had I realized that my impulse to
take the next breath was a result of a cause. A cause so profound, it had made me cry
all night. I had finally realized why I took my next breath-it was because of a combined
cause that resulted from every atom of the universe that was not me.

Yes-i existed because everything else existed. I was only a part of the whole. But I
completed the whole. I completed the zero. If I did not take my next breath, everything
in the whole wide universe that I directly or indirectly impacted changed its symmetry
to adjust- to balance itself; on hope.

I dint want to believe it. It wasn’t possible. It must have been an accident. I was not
prepared…for this simple truth that was everywhere in every atom in everything
imaginable…..insipid ignorance…it had all come in a flash when—doesn’t matter. What
matters indeed, is that I was only a cog, I was the cause, I was the effect. I was
everything they had said, and I was also something they had not known. I was also
something I will never know. The truth indeed is everywhere, and the truth indeed is
nowhere, were you to find it.

In breakfast I ate fruit, cleaned my plate, and gave it back to the dish washer who was

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surprised for once-there among throngs of waste lay a plate sparkling clean. When he
saw this, he raised a hue-it isn’t clean he said, my plate isn’t clean…and the dishwasher
kept assuring him-yes I will do my job, you don’t need to worry, I will clean plates, I will
do my job-it doesn’t matter if you like it or not.

The shoe rack was so full I couldn’t find my chappals. So I let them lie, for I knew if I
came back an hour later, only my shoes would be on the rack–patience and trust will
pay. Trust the system, with your life, and it will pay you back. You just need to keep up
the hope-or not have hope—the system is self run, on things such as curiosity,
awareness, imagination and equanimity. These were never a part of the Chinese room,
I think.

You need not worry about the network, it is in able hands; you just need the eyes to see.

VIII

We truly are infinite, I think. Everything is linked to everything else. There is nothing
random; it only seems to be random. Why would someone do something, if it were not
a result of combined causes? But why hope? Why hope about things like a combined
peace? Because it is only when others exist that you exist.

If I want to keep living, everything else should keep living. They die, I die. They live, I live.
Hopefully and thankfully bound by compassion and loving kindness.

That is our only hope. To exist, we have to take care of each other. We have to trust
each other. We have to become the eyes for the blind, so that the collective
consciousness helps us when our time comes. What goes round comes round.

I know its tough reading the unreadable. But close your eyes, and try to read this.
Picture it this way: I am walking in a circle, and I want to escape. But on escaping, I find
that I have escaped humanity. So I don’t want to escape anymore, and I keep walking
in circles. I can’t do both, because then, I will be one, and there will be no other. Can I
live in a world where I don’t have anyone else? Can I live in an absolute world? No.
Because it takes balls to live like that.

Because it takes balls, to live in a world of insanity, it takes life, it takes guts. Should such
a walk be walked? Should one be the one? The answer is a resounding no.

It is only when you realize, that you understand, that your reading this has an effect on
me. And I in turn have affected you. The world is round, the worlds meet.

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 VII

We invented language to make the mechanical world meaningful - to justify the

repetition of things. To 'order' it so things could be predicted with a fair degree of
certainty.

But the certainty in all things is superficial. Nothing is repeated, nothing is mechanical.
We are only trying to fit everything in the realms of language. It is not right to fit the
limitless within limits. Limits superimposed on the limitless never justify the details.

The problem with language is when it also limits and mechanizes thought patterns. Truly
considered, thought is just as arbitrary as nature- a day at work is all it takes for an
'escape' thought to creep in. Balance is also a word that limits natural behavior. We just
might not know what is good for us and what is not good. We can be random or we
can be conditioned. There is no problem with conditioning; it is when aberrations take
place in this conditioning when we realize the 'real' randomness of life.

A conditioned life with perfect knowledge of randomness is what we then live in- as a
second stage. We learn to 'laugh' at conditioned life and appreciate the proofs of
randomness.

The third stage is when we realize how the limitations imposed on us do not guarantee
the individual good. It is only meant to maintain sanity. But our true nature is insanity, we
are born in a random world, and we are fettered by chains of conditioned arising.

Stage 4 is a realization that freedom does not exist and the chains are our only escape
from the random world; and so we continue our life in quiet desperation. We use the

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limited randomness we have to fulfill our real nature, but like the chained elephant of
the circus, we can neither run away (hopeless dependence on the system) nor perform
our duties (dependence on our inner nature)

Stage 5 makes us seek what we cannot have - immortality. We seek permanence in

transitory life- we want desperately to go beyond human form. We find permanence in
death; and we are scared to suddenly find ourselves helplessly thrown into the unknown
permanence of life which is death.

Death of the conditioning and freedom from randomness by being aware that there is
no freedom from existence; stage 6 searches for something beyond thought. It wants to
BE rather than Exist; FEEL rather than think. It wants to listen with the eyes and smell with
the ears; see with the skin and 'live' in all possible ways before it’s too late.

Stage 7 is not even seeking permanence; it is not seeking transience; it does not want a
bound existence; a freedom characterized by choices-Stage 7 realizes freedom
excludes choice and includes 'phenomenal awareness'. He knows there is no such
thing.

Stage 8 wants unsuccessfully to believe in a hope- a hope that there truly is an escape;
and escape that will finally put his curiosity and continual questioning on the bearing
and purpose of his existence to rest. It will give him his randomness back; it will make
him more vibrant, a certain something that will give him 'nothingness' to play with.

We have played with toys of happiness, sadness, knowledge. We have played with the
idea of freedom, with God; with himself; his self and has lost himself.

Stage 9 is a restless search for nothingness. HE now knows that he really has no purpose
on the earth. He has given up hope- and is now free in a weird sort of way- to obey his
primary urges and exert maximum control over his environment to fulfill them. HE realizes
that he does not have much time- while he exits, he must have all the unending
temporary pleasures that he can to subdue his restless search.

Stage 10 is a reprisal of the search -of the curiosity. HE wants desperately to know what
is inside the Gift but cannot. HE wants his life to be more meaningful to himself- although
succeeding in a way to make it more meaningful for others. By this time, he realizes that
he is more important in 'relation' to something apart from himself rather than all by
himself.

His life is hopelessly intertwined with other individuals in a different or similar stage as
himself- and he yearns to find a meaning for himself.

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Stage 11:

The Soul {Miln. 71}

The king asked: "Venerable Nagasena, is the soul to be found?"

The elder replied: "According to ultimate reality, your majesty, the soul is not to be
found."

"You are clever, venerable Nagasena."

Stage 12:

We invented language to make the random world less meaningful - to justify the
randomness in things...

Stage 13:

VI

I felt strange. I did not know what it all meant. Everyone seemed to be getting
conditioned to a silence I did not know. Everybody was actually being conditioned by
reality - The reality that life was random. What was his self then? GONG! He wanted to
run away from this place. He had had enough of this weird conditioning. Why should he
continue? These were just mind games. He was scared shit. Wherever he saw, he saw
abnormal people.

There was a fire burning at the mountains but no one saw it. Not one noticed. Was I at
the end of my wits? I have to run away from this retarded place of mad people. OR
was I behaving strange? Mad people see the world as mad. My concept of reality is
changing and so I was feeling a different unconditioned reality escaping. GONG! This
place is making me mad. GONG! Help me! GONG! I am dying and there is no one to
talk to - To witness my death.

Will I escape this place alive? Can I trust this system? I will fight it. I will not give up this
easy. It is not right to condition people like this. There has got to be a way to escape

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this. There has got to be a way to not convert, to not become. There has to be a way to
escape the system. I am trying too hard. No one's trying this hard. No one's actually
giving it as much thought as I am.

Maybe I need to slow down until this ordeal is over. Maybe all I really need is to resist the
system. It’s all going to be all right when I return home where my mom is waiting for me.
May be all I need is a good night’s sleep in the hustle bustle of the city; all I need is my
books and a computer to bring me back to reality.

All this just might not make much sense. Maybe I just need to talk myself out to
someone. But would that then be comparing? But such experiences can never be
compared! Why does he keep smiling? Why doesn't he move his hands freely while
walking? What is he scared of..What has he become...what has the system done to
him. Will this system make this out of me? I don't want to become this, or that. I just want
to live. I just need to exist. I don't want to be. I want to exist. What am i thinking? What
have I become. Am I becoming one of them? But am I not unique?

Why am I thinking so much? Slow down. Slow down. Maybe I need to pray to my god
for showing the way. Maybe, he can help me in this. Why am I using so many maybe's
in my thinking ....don't I trust god?

I do...Yes that's the key. Complete surrender to God’s will. Yes there are no maybe's...he
is the one he is the only one. I don't know if these retards will show me the way, but my
god will. ‘My’ God. Yes mine and only my own god. They don't deserve him. I do. I
deserve help. Please. But isn't he omnipresent? Then why do I have to pray so much....I
think he will do his best. I don't doubt it. He will do the best for me .May be; maybe not.
Maybe there's someone in this group who needs more help than me. Why am I
comparing so much? GONG!

Ah, this sound...someone stop this sound. All I need is to connect with someone and its
going to be all right. Connect, with someone who can see what I see and someone
who can tell me, who can assure me, who can tell me with that he can help me with
the way ahead; someone who can tell me in my words that I am sane. That I will
succeed; someone who can feel; someone who can understand; someone whom I
can socialize with.

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 V

I like this silence. All my life I have been searching for this silence. No more of the
disturbing city life, No more of the disturbing village life.

No more of the continuous empty words of people. I am finally free. Free to do what i
like .as long as i am bound by time. This too shall end. But I must enjoy it while it lasts.

I would sleep, endlessly. I would sleep for two, nay, ten days at a stretch. I like not being
disturbed by sound. I can live on my own, I don't need someone else, to exist. I deny
that man is a social animal...because he is not. All we need is food. Food is our primary

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requirement. We need food, we don't need people.

The presence of another brings in an ‘other’, an influence, something that hampers the
way we live by causing undue hindrances, by altering our thought patterns. The other is
not important, because the other is not me. He cannot think like me, he cannot be like
me. He cannot see things through my perspective. Therefore he can’t really make an
intelligent conversation.

So, it is just food that I need. And I have paid for the food with my time. Therefore I don't
really need anything else. OR better still, anyone else. Deafening silence? No...silence
can never be deafening. Silence is peace. Silence is what a city dweller needs most.
Silence is what I have; longed for - Where I can be calm; where my heart beats to a
different drummer; where I breathe freely and to myself.

I don't need no dogs, I don't need no birds, I don't need anything, to exist. It is only then
can i be whatever I want to be; whenever I want to be. For then, time won’t matter.
Time would no longer affect me. I can be whatever I want to be without really
bothering to be something I am not...Or for that matter be what I don't want to be.
What a beautiful freedom that would be....devoid of everything, still having everything.

Finally I have escaped from the time bound reality, I have created my own reality, I
have escaped into nothingness. I can now rest, in peace.

IV

She just stood there, with swarms of people all around her buzzing with activity.
Standing still, against the backdrop of flowing energies, created a strange magnetic
aura around her. An aura, that kept her safe and protected. An aura that was
impenetrable.

Her eyes were moist, a mirror blurred, and if one were to see through them, one would
see how much her mind was struggling to escape her conscience. Who could possibly

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understand the depths of her? Here she was, hypnotized by her own conditioning- a
conditioning that did not stop with her, but beyond her.

He had known this silence since he was a boy. It drew him towards her.

She had decided to separate from technology. She had no androlegs to walk faster, no
chip to make her remember, no watch to tell time.

The androlegs made him seem offbeat, but they worked wonders when it came to
mountaineering-his only passion. The D2021 platinum hind limbs from the DHC
(Deliberate handicap community) left him in a class of his own. He had perfected
them, and customized them. He had taken great pains to make them deft.

Each time he opened his eyes, there was a new world staring back at him. And
suddenly he realized what was going on...he was caught in a dream spiral. A dream in
a dream in a dream; it went on and on. Everything he did, he affirmed the dream and
made it his reality; only to realize that it was a dream.

Zschwao...Zschwao....the train flew, passing some other ones in the swiftness, so fast, it
dwarfed everything else. It dwarfed time. It dwarfed speed...but he silently hoped to
himself that maybe he was on the right way, maybe, this journey will take him to the
silence that he had longed for so long. so very long.

Trust. Compassion. Effort. Hope. Awareness. Discretion. Love. Intercourse.

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