Sophomores

Suck
















Contents
The First Half (This sucks)

Chapter 1 This is Me
Chapter 2 A Look Into my Boring Life
Chapter 3 Rumor Has It That you suck
Chapter 4 HOT! In the good or the bad way?
Chapter 5 Aftertaste (of THE kiss)
Chapter 6 Its a Little Bit Me, Its a Little Bit You
Chapter 7 Codys House
Chapter 8 Nothing Extraordinary Just another week of my life
Chapter 9 Halloween
Chapter 10 Oh, Boy
Chapter 11 Eenie Meenie Miny Mo Catch an Indian by the Toe
Chapter 12 Winter Formal

The Second Act (Wow this really sucks)

Chapter 13 A New Year Does Not Mean New Beginnings
Chapter 14 Beginning, Middle, and End All in One Chapter
Chapter 15 Screw You, Cupid
Chapter 16 Damn
Chapter 17 Pip and Me
Chapter 18 March Madness
Chapter 19 April Showers Bring Mae Flowers
Chapter 20 Identity Crisis
Chapter 21 Sixteen
Chapter 22 The Tipping Point
Chapter 23 Cody or Warren
Chapter 24 Alls Well That Ends Well






To anyone that feels like the can relate to my characters:
I am sorry.
























The First Half
(This Sucks)
























Chapter 1

This is Me

I hate geometry. Its a fact of life that geometry is the number one useless class,
according to me.
And, anyways, isnt that all that matters?
But seriously, Geometry is dumb. Who cares if you can inscribe any regular polygon
inside a circle? I mean, what does that even mean? Seriously, it was part of a question on my
homework.
Geometry doesnt make sense. Geometry and Laura Maethats medont mix well
or at all.
But really, who actually likes geometry? NOBODY! No normal kid likes geometry, and
Im a normal! Well, Im more average than normal
Im the average height for fifteen-year-old girls, the average weight, have the average
shoe size, listen to the mainstream pop bands, and wear whats in style sometimes. My hair is
just a brown color, nothing special. The cut is extremely average, just past the shoulder.
Completely average.
Theres only one thing that sticks out about me: my middle name. Leave it to parents to
royally screw you over in that department.
I am completely average, unlike my best friend for lifebfflEmily Cotter.
My beautiful blonde fricking perfect friend.
Sometimes, I just hate her. She can be annoying, oblivious, stupid, and downright idiotic.
But Ive known her for most of my life, and I just cant imagine a life without her.
Which is saying something because, trust me, Ive tried.
Anyways, Im walking down my neighborhood streets to meet her this unassuming
Tuesday morning. My thoughts are going something like this
Oh shit, did I grab my English paper? Oh yeah, I did. Is there a test in Chemistry today?
Lets see today is Tuesday so no. Thank god! Whew.
Stop talking to yourself. It doesnt look right to other people and
we dont want them finding out about our plans.
And theres the reckless and homicidal voice in my head. Now, wheres the saintly
goody-two-shoes one?
Plans! What plans dost thou speak of?
There we go. Whats up with the weird speech pattern?
What are you talking about?
The dost and thou. Who are you, William Shakespeare? Sheesh.
I was just trying out something new! I thought it would fit my part as
the voice of reason and sanity.
I thought I was the sane voice!
Thats the misstatement of the year. And there are no plans.
Thank god for that! I was deeply troubled. Im glad youve chosen the side
of righteousness
Hold it right there! Nobodys on your side, so why dont you calm
yourself down.
Why you little. I outa
Okay, okay settle down in there. There are more important things to worry about
like why the hell is he there?
Im surprised; I thought she was going to say starving children in
Africa.
I stare ahead, stopped in my tracks by someone I never expected to see.
The one and only Joe Pantz.
Joe Pantz is your perfect mommas boy. Of course I dont know if he is a mommas
boy, but Im sure hed make a fine one. He worships the female sex and figures of authority. I
saw him shopping once, debating to himselfout loud might I addabout prices and sales, and
saying things like oh that color would totally go with the upholstery in the living room.
I mean, what is upholstery?
He starts turning in my direction. Crap! If he sees me Ill be forced to talk to him.
Time to panic. Where can I hide? Lets see, skinny tree, stop sign, me, moving car,
parked car across the street, bush bush! Perfection.
I jump into the bush and find myself face to face with an enraged squirrel.
This should be fun.
The squirrel snarls at me, foam spilling from its mouth. That cant be normal or a good
sign.
Uh hello, I whisper, hands up in a defensive position. Nice to, uh, meet you?
Right, because squirrels speak English.
The squirrel lunges at me and I fall backwards out of the bush slamming into the ground.
I hear someone yell, Are you okay? I cant tell for sure but I think it might be God, though his
voice is a bit higher than I expected. And if this heaven, what is this throbbing pain on the back
of my head?
Feet hit the pavement as I push myself up. My eyes are out of focus, but I can tell Im
dead. How do I know this? Well, number one sign youre dead: a blonde guy with angel wings is
helping you up.
My heart rate quickens, and I hold my breath as my vision focuses on the angel in front
of me. My hot special angel.
My jaw drops. Joe? Yeah, hes special alright.
He smiles. Hi Laura! he says grabbing my arm to help me steady me. Emilys running
late, so well have to wait a few minutes for her.
W-we? I stutter having an out of body experience, watching whatever social status I
have run down, down, down the drain.
Yep, just you and me! He smiles at me. What a creep!
Cool NOT.
Whoa there, Laura! Joe yells out, catching me as I stumble. You mustve hit your
head when you fell. Ah, so thats why my head is throbbing. I wave at two preppy girls as they
walk by, pointing.
I dont know I feel okay. NOT! I give him a weak smile. Emily better hurry up.
Then again, why is Joe waiting for Emily? Must ponder this later because my head is
pounding, screaming either CONCUSSION! or you thought he was HOT? or why is he
here?.
Probably a combination of all three.
I heave out a sigh of relief as I watch Emily come out of her house. Her face lights up at
the sight of us, but I can tell she isnt happy about something. The smile looks forced and shes
twisting her hair through her fingers.
Hey like you guys! she giggles as she finally reaches the corner. Hows it like going?
She means besides the unwelcome presence of Joe, right?
Joe is about to say something, but I interrupt him. Im far more important. Oh just fine,
I exclaim in a phony voice. Could I talk to you? I ask as I pull her away.
Emily smiles. Laura you can like talk to me about anything! I glance back over my
shoulder at Joe. Maybe not this, but well see.
Glad that you feel that way, I whisper. Hope you dont mind my asking, but whats
Joe doing here?
Her face flushes to a deep red. Hes like, uh, my like, uh, friend, thats a, um, guy, I
stare at her.
Did you just, uh, um, ah, a stutter? I mock.
NO!
Dont lie! Emily is the perfect popular girl, (although, she detests the lot of them). She
has a rockin body, and is your typical like oh my god talker. The girl never gets
embarrassedpersonally, I believe its because she doesnt comprehend the word, but thats not
a very nice thing to say to your friend. Not once in our ten year friendship has she ever been
embarrassed and stuttered until now!
Look Emily, if theres something youre not telling me
OMG! Laura its not like that! she yells, her face turning redder. Not like what?
Because what I see is a girl embarrassed by Joe.
Dont worry Emily! I know why youre embarrassed.
You like do?
Yeah. Who would want to be seen with Joe anyway?
She slaps me.
Say what? I rub my cheek while she glares at me. You told me to like slap you if you
like ever started acting like a prep, she explains in her defense.
Yeah, but that was six years ago in the fifth grade!
STILL LIKE COUNTS!
Everything okay, guys? Joe calls out to us.
Yes, Emily and I reply in unison.
Good, because if you two dont wrap this up were never going to make it to school. I
glance at my watch. This guy is freaking paranoid; we have loads of time.
Emily glares at me and sticks out her tongue. Like coming Joe! She pushes past me and
joins him. I sigh and slowly follow behind them, watching as they chat along the way. Every
once in a while Emily giggles and pushes Joe away playfully.
When we finally reach school I try to say goodbye, but neither is paying attention. In a
huff, I walk away to my locker, alone. Usually Emily sticks with me but not today. I hope she
realizes hanging out with him doesnt count as community service.
I lean against my locker and slide down. Theres still fifteen minutes until class starts and
mine is right down the hall. I could probably work on that geometry homework, but then again I
could always kill myself.
Neither is an appealing option.
I put my head in my hands and smother the urge to scream. Today is going to suck.
Male voices float up the hall. Dude, I cant believe you did that! That takes some serious
balls!
Oh shut up you fu
I glance up; three guys are staring at me. Two of them are white the other is Indian.
I scowl at them. What never seen a girl before? They glance at each other.
Uh, yeah we have its just the Indian says, obviously uncomfortable. Jeez, its not
like I walked in on them masturbating. Oh ew. Why would I even think that?
Hey! I yell, Dont just trail off on me, you yellowed belly whipper-snapper! and
might I add, where the hell did that come from? I know who you are. A staring contest ensues.
Truthfully, I dont know who they are so I say, Who are you guys anyway?
One of the white guys steps forward confidently. He must be THE guy in the group of
idiots he hangs out with. He probably has the hottest girl (or had a girl at all), the snazziest car,
the worst grades, knows the juiciest of the juiciest of rumors, and has the largest ego.
I automatically hate him.
I am Derek Mecan, man of many wonders. One of them, he glances down at his crotch,
is of particular interest with the ladies. Perhaps you have heard of him? Referring to his penis
as a he? How crass.
Ugh, gross. Whats your problem?
First, I dont know your name. Second, I dont have your number. Is that supposed to
be smooth?
Dont count on it. I turn towards the Indian kid. Whats your name?
He steps forward proudly, probably because this is the first time a girl has ever spoken to
him and not said, quit looking through my window pervert!. He pushes Derek to the side
before he can come up with something non-witty to say. I am feeling rather amused with myself
today. Mental high five for being cool.
NO! Stop being so LAME!
I am Kevin Dabombamony. He stands straight, adding an extra half-inch to his already
towering height or maybe he just looks tall because Im sitting on the ground. And you are
Laura Mae.
WHOA THERE! Maybe I should say quit looking through my window pervert because
this kid is creepy! How does he know my name? What in the world is going on here? I stare at
him incredulously I need to place the face place the face the Indian face the face I
got nothing.
Kevin you say? Well Kevin how the hell do you know my name? ARE YOU A
CREEPER? Get away! I stand up and brandish my backpack like a sword, which is rather easy
because my backpack is nearly empty.
Did you leave your books at home again?
Yes. Whats the point in bringing them if I wont use them?
No, no! He yells jumping backwards. Youre in a couple of my classes.
Oh. I mumble. Duh. I should have known that.
I glance around; the hallway is still pretty empty. The only other kid besides us four is
some dumbass named Joey.
Well, Ill see you guys around! I say cheerfully, turning around and opening up my
locker, pretending to look busy. Theres a small thud next to me. The second white guy has
different ideas.
He leans against the locker next to mine. Hi, he says, probably irritated with the fact
that I purposely skipped over him, Im
I slam my locker shut, for effect. Oh I know who you are, I shout interrupting him.
Youre that guy that broke my best friends heart! not Emilys, shes my bffl, my best friend
(bf) is Kaity Ritz.
Kaity is not a blonde beauty, like Emily in all her damn glory. Kaity has luxurious
auburn hair, about elbow length and curly. Not frizzy curls but beautiful locks of perfection.
Something any girl would die for.
Oh not this, he says. Listen, Im only saying this once, so you can go tell all your little
friends, but you might want to write it down first so you wont forget. I nod. Yeah, I am really
going to write it down. Do I look like a journalist?
Listen, I told her all I wanted from her was sex. She knew why I was with her and
willingly gave in. So Kaity shouldnt be whining. She knew my intentions, not my fault what
happened. My jaw drops. SEX! What? Youve got to be kidding me! How come I didnt know
about this? SHES ONLY FIFTEEN. And she was not a virgin like she said! Can my jaw drop
any farther? Apparently so. NOT A VIRGIN! And another thing, I made it perfectly clear it was
all about the sex and nothing else.
You already said that.
Oh, well. Now you know. So Ill be off.
He walks away, and I sink into my locker, yet again. First time I get to meet the infamous
Kyle and it plays out like this. Wonderful. AND WHAT THE HELL? Kaitys not a virgin? Sex?
So confused You know what; Im just going to bottle this up and throw it in a special place I
like to call: never to be thought of again.
What a wonderful start to my day.
I open my backpack and rifle through my things to distract myself.
Hold the phone. Its not Tuesday! Its Wednesday! SHIT! I havent printed my paper and,
oh lord, there is a test in chemistry!
And my face still stings where Emily slapped me.




























Chapter 2

A Look into my Boring Life

Dont you dare, I say, glaring at Cody. Cody Muellerwho Ive known since
kindergartenis my only guy friend, if you can call him a friend. I personally dont think you
can, but that discussion is a book by itself. So for lack of time, Ill just say no.
His hair is short and brown, and he has beautiful green eyes, not that I would notice;
some friends pointed it out. While shorter than most guys, hes still taller than me, very
muscularagain, some friends pointed that outand a decent person. Decent is the key word. I
should stress that. Hes very muscular and a decent person.
He glances at the brownies and whimpers. What a wussy.
No! I say forcefully, doing a horrible job at hiding my smile. They need to cool
down. I glance at the clock. Theres about thirteen minutes left in cooking class. Next period Ill
be in geometry. Geometry, dont get me started on that again
Come on its already been ten minutes! he whines.
Its been two. And I thought girls were bad with chocolate. I turn my back to wash the
dishes. Idiot he is.
Someone yelps out in pain. The spatula falls out of my hand as I turn to see whats
happened, but somehow I already know.
When I turn around I find Cody nursing a red finger and a brownie on the table in front of
him. He obviously dropped it when he burned himself. Why didnt you tell me it was so hot?
he asks, faking anger. I shake my head.
I did. You just werent listening. Or did I?
Whatever, he grumbles, putting his hand under cool water. I watch him, reveling in the
thought of him at the sink making dinner for our family. I mean not our family! His family. Oh
hell.
I slap myself lightly. Stop that, I whisper, it just isnt right.
It is right, so right. Besides, youre a grown woman, and youre not
too shabby honey. You can do whatever you want, literally. Aha! Do
anything that means sex. Think about it, you can have whoever you
want. Just like Kaity!
Oh no she wont! Shes only fifteen! Thats just wrong. Save it for
marriage, Laura. And Cody Mueller is the last person she wants to date anyway!
Hes a skater, most likely to flunk out, rude, obnoxious, and hangs out with
Derek Mecan!
I knew it! I knew Dereks name was familiar!
Derek is Codys best friend. I cant believe I missed it! Cody talks about Derek all the
time. Its kind of annoying kind of really annoying. Derek pulled the infamous Jell-O prank
last year, which involved one school pool and thousands of Jell-O boxes. And in a Richard
Nixon mask he cussed out the superintendent at his acceptance speech for the best superintendent
award from the state.
He is a man of many wonders, although I doubt the actual prowess of the one he alluded
to
Cody turns around and looks at me. Well?
Well what?
Are they done? Because Im not taking any more chances.
I glance at the clock. Yes, smiling I pick one up. Here, I hold it out to him so he can
take it.
He bites it and sighs. Mmm thats really good. My heartbeat quickens as I stare at
the half eaten brownie in my fingers. He literally just ate out of my hands. I think I might faint.
What a sight that would be.
Sorry Im like late! someone yells as they walk into class. I turn and see Emily, so
typical. I, um, like got lost! She flips her ruffled blonde hair over her shoulder. Wait why is
it ruffled?
The teacher, Ms. Shortz, glances at her. Okely dokely! These halls are so confusing
sometimes. Just last week I got lost on the way to the teachers lounge! I accidentally took a right
instead of a left! I roll my eyes. If our teacher wasnt as ditzy as Emily, she would have gotten a
detention.
I glance back at Cody. Hes washing the dishes so seductively. Does he know what
hes doing to me? I suck in some air as I try to calm down.
Did I say he was doing to something to me? Because hes not, were just friends. Good
old friends, nothing more. But then again were not friends just acquaintances. Good old
acquaintances.
Emily skips over, her face flushed and hair awry. Are you like going to finish that? she
asks. I cant respond so she plucks the brownie out of my hand and finishes it up.
Ignoring that. Wow, you sure got over what happened this morning pretty quick, I say
to her.
She laughs. Youre my bffl; I cant like stay mad at you for long. She glances around.
Laura I really want to like tell you something, but you have to like promise to keep your mouth
shut and like not bother me about it. Can you promise to like do that? Emily looks at me, eyes
wide.
Of course I can. Maybe.
Her face brightens, accenting her golden hair. Damn blondes and their natural beauty!
Great! Well Im like dating this really hot blonde guy! She smiles widely.
WHAT? I exclaim. Again? Its only been a week since you broke up with Trey!
Thats barely any time at all!
Laura
What do you even know about this guy, besides hes hot? Whats his personality like?
Are his friends cool? What about his family, his likes, his dislikes, his grades?
Their grades?
Its a very important factor!
Laura.
You cant keep jumping from guy to guy Emily! We talked about this last week when
you and Trey broke up. Of course, maybe I should have had that talk with Kaity too, seeing as
shes Miss Promiscuous.
Laura! my teacher screams for the third time. Oh God. Has she really been screaming
at me? Im doomed.
I turn to face her. In my periphery I can see Cody stifling a laugh. Real mature, loser
friend DAMN IT! I mean, loser acquaintance.
Yes Ms. Shortz? I ask, feeling the quiver in my voice. Im done for. Not even an idiot
of her magnitude could let this slide. I shouldnt have screamed. Oh lord.
Whats going on over there?
Quick! Think of a lie. Nothing. Fantastic.
Well it doesnt sound like nothing to me!
Cody steps forward. Its my fault Ms. Shortz. He winks at me. Winks? Well, honestly.
Thats a little overboard. See, I wrote this play, and I wanted them to act out this particular
scene. I didnt plan on it getting this out of hand. I guess the passion I felt when I wrote it
transferred into their acting. It was a stellar performance dont you think? I know why hes in
my drama class now; he is such a great actor. Must take notes.
Ms. Shortz looks surprised. I never knew you were a playwright.
Every man has a sensitive side, some are just afraid to admit it. He glances towards me.
I feel my knees go weak. He just admitted he has a sensitive side! How beautiful!
Oh, Laura.
Agh! Right. Cody is nothing to me.
The classroom goes back to normal. Cody saunters over to me. You owe me, big time.
He gives me a smile.
Oh yeah?
Oh yeah.
Well, what did you have in mind? I ask playfully, wishing it didnt come out so
suggestive.
Please be a date, please be a date.
Please be a study date, please be a study date.
In time you will know, but for now Ill keep you waiting. He grabs another brownie
and walks away. His pants hug his ass nicely today damn. This is just going to keep
happening, isnt it?
As long as Im here, hell yeah.
Emily sidles up and hands me a tissue. Here, like mop up the drool, she giggles.
Im not drooling. But I take the tissue and wipe my face, just in case.
She rolls her eyes and grabs three brownies.
Hey! Well need some of those! This is for a grade you know! She gives me an evil
look and drops one.
Well, whatever was going on it was like showing on your face. I carefully sort through
the brownies, picking only the best. Emily moves in closer and whispers, Everyone knows you
two like each other.
He doesnt like me.
But you like him.
I drop a brownie. I didnt say I liked him! I lower my voice. I dont like him.
But thats like not what you didnt say. I stare at her confused, nearly dropping another
brownie.
And you thought she was dumb before she said that. Now what?
Emily. What do you mean?
Listen Laura, I like read this online. This really cool site teaches you about like reading
into what people like say and do. Its like simple. You just like listen to what people like dont
say.
Emily
Just like, hold on. So you like said he doesnt like you. That means youre not like
denying that you like him. You just like dont think he likes you, which must mean like
something to you because its like the first thing you like said. See what I like mean, silly?
I sigh. She does have a point, which is scarier than the possibility that I might actually
like Cody.
So whos this hot blonde guy? Im not really curious; Id just rather not talk about
Cody.
Well, its only been a day, so I dont want to spill like everything, but hes great. Youll
like love him when you meet him. Hes so smart and kind and like incredibly H-O-T! I just
wanted to keep kissing him but like I couldnt just ditch class
Keep kissing him? I thought you said its only been a day, I say angrily, on the verge of
screaming again.
She giggles. Its like so magical. I think Im like in love!
Oh brother.

I find its remarkable how slow the second hand on the clock moves when youre waiting
for a class to end, a class like Honors Chemistry. Another useless class. There are only two
reasons why anyone would take it: 1) because they have to and 2) to steal chemicals and torture
your siblings pet hamster. The latter is seriously screwed up and the former is just another
example of the failings of the education system.
Take that politics.
I hate this classnot nearly as much as I hate geometry, but its a close runner upand
the only reason I show up is because of one kid: Andrew Urine, the most idiotic kid it the
universe. One day, we were working on a lab that had to deal with acids, and Mister Urine said,
A-C-I-D that spells chocolate milk! He tried to drink it but just ended spilling it all over his
face.
Luckily it was a low grade acid. But he did get a bad rash that lasted for about a week.
Ha. Classic.
I guess Im being a little harsh. Chemistry is not all-bad, heck, I come from a family of
chemists (father and older brother) so I should be able to live with it. But I cant, because of one
person. I must have the worst lab partner in history, Jesika Slinky. Blonde hair, larger breasts
than mine: shes my archenemy.
Wro-ong, she says to me, not in her typical voice, but a singsong voice. Here I am,
minding my own business, working quietly on my worksheetthe test was moved back two
days, which means I have two more days to not studyand she has to bother me.
I roll my eyes. What? I ask curtly. Feeling very aggravated, possibly because I hate this
class but also quite possibly because I want chocolate.
Number three is wro-ong! Is the sing-song voice really necessary? Because Im about
to smack a bitch up in here.
Well what is wro-ong about it? God! It takes forever to get an answer out of her that
isnt vague.
The coefficient in front of hydrogen should be a two not a three, she snaps, like her
normal self. Never thought Id miss that bitchiness, but I did.
No.
Yes.
Uh, no three works just fine. Youre wrong.
Sorry to burst your bubble, Laura, but your math skills are questionable at best.
I huff angrily and call out, Mr. K-Man! This asshole will prove me right.
Yes? he asks, clearly annoyed by our bitchering. Is that a word? Its a word now.
Could you check problem three for me? Jesika and I are having a disagreement over the
correct answer. Obviously Im right. But its always good to have a third party confirm this.
Real world advice, in case you were wondering.
He barely glances at my paper before handing it back. Laura, see that, he says pointing
to the three I put in front of hydrogen, It should be a two.
God is this class pointless.




















Chapter 3

Rumor Has It
That you suck

Laura, he whispers in my ear. I turn, frightened by his sudden appearance. He puts his
hands on my shoulders, tenderly caressing them. Shh its only me.
Oh Cody, I whisper, sinking into his chest and wrapping my arms around him. His
arms surround me in warmth and a strange feeling you could call a friendly acquaintance. I was
so scared, but now that youre here I let myself trail off not needing to explain the rest.
He smiles at me and starts to lean in for a kiss. His lips are barely millimeters away
GOOD MORNING AMERICA! Its 6:05 and youre listening to the JackMaster. Heres
the latest song by Doghouse Gangsta! screams the radio DJ. I slam my hand on the snooze
button.
I will not be woken up by this poor excuse of musician, I grumble. Yes siree bob; today
is going to be another one of those days. Especially since I was dreaming about Cody, I mean
come on! Who dreams about Cody? Definitely not me.
I mean, technically I dream about Cody.
But not out of choice.

Its first period, and Im just beginning to come out of the grogginess. Gym class with Dr.
Torso, ugh. The guy is a serious advocate of physical education. He even got a doctorate in it.
Who in their right mind does that?
Yep, theres nothing worse than gym, except Geometry and maybe Honors
Chemistry
Laura, I perk up. Whos talking about me? Oh I bet its good! is totally like going out
with Joe! Like, Lulu totally saw her all over him a couple days ago and now they hang out all the
time. In my defense, that is because Emily has taken him on as a charity case.
Omg, Lulu was probably in a drunken haze, again. You know how she gets with the
Vodka.
Carol was with her.
Well that changes everything!
Wait a second, I think I heard them wrong. Me go out with Joe? Never in a million years!
We kind of are friendsno not that acquaintancesbut I would not go out with him. He has
N-E-R-D written all over him, and I like muscular, perhaps English, definitely-not-Cody, guys.
I speed up my jog to catch up with Emily. Ive already passed her three times.
Unfortunately, I have to pass the preps. I need to start thinking things through.
Hows your cuddle-umpkins Joe? Ami Phlegm calls out.
I turn and jog backwards. Hows your virginity, oh wait I forgot you lost it to Alex
Stripper. Alex Stripper, the biggest buttslut that is. The guy is a total douchebag. I leave before
she can come up with anything bitchy to say.
Yes, today is one of those days.
I catch up with Emily who is with Joe, just my luck. Lately theyve been inseparable. Its
all rather odd. Hey guess what I just heard. They stare at me expectantly. Come on, I said
guess! Theres a rumor that Joe and I are going out. Emilys face turns sour. Really now,
would I go out with Joe? No offense, I add quickly. He shrugs his shoulders.
Emily scoffs at me. How could you say that? Joe is like so nice and thoughtful you
should like feel honored to be pretend going out with him.
Yeah, when hell freezes over. Listen Emily some guys jog by making kissing noises.
Oh, hell no. Come back and say that to my face, motherfucker! I yell at them. What? Afraid
of a little girl?
They dont turn back and hell, I wouldnt either. I probably sound like crazed girl with
voices in her head.
Well thats rather specific.

Its lunch time; Im doomed. I can avoid the kissing sounds, the name callingMrs.
Pantz or Mrs. Joe Pantz or, as Derek said, Mrs. Dr. Joe Pantzand the countless youll have
demented children har har har in class but not at lunch. Although, I have to agree with the last
one, if you add my average genes to an ugly, its not going to work.
The teasing was limited in class, thank god for that. They couldnt gang up on me, nor
could they mock me the whole time. The teacher would yell at them.
But in lunch, the playing field is different. There is no stopping the talking and the
mocking, and there are so many more of them. I hike my backpack up on my shoulders and
trudge through the crowd to Kaity. Sweet Kaity, shell have my back so long as shes not on
hers.
A joke about her apparent promiscuity?
Yep.
Hey Mrs. Pantz! some kid calls out behind me. Kaity jumps up and walks over to me,
glaring at someone.
Shut the fuck up Sean! she barks at him, You dont want people knowing I found you
jacking off to a picture of your cousin do you? Thats seriously disgusting. I turn and see him
blushing profusely. His friends walk away from him with disgusted looks on their faces. Or is
that how they always look?
Kaity sits me down across from her at the table.
She smiles. What will Cody think? I heard he was heartbroken when he found out.
I snort. Since when does he care? She shrugs her shoulders, a playful little smile
plastered on her face. Oh come on. I dont even want to think about Cody right now. Actually I
do. But what I want more is to have him hold me like in my dream. NOT! Ha ha ha?
Okay so what I if do?
Thinking about him? Kaity asks.
No! I mean, yes. But Im not going to admit that.
You dont need to lie to me. I completely understand. She turns back to her lunch
leaving me to wonder what she meant. Is she also crushing on Cody or is she implying
something more suggestive?
Emily plops down right next to Kaity. Hey guys. Do you like mind if like Joe sits with
us like today?
Uh Emily, I say. Did we not talk in gym today about the Joe-Laura rumor running
around? He cant sit with us! Apparently deaf, Joe sits down next to me.
Hows it going guys? he asks cheerfully. Kaity hides her head and tries not to laugh. It
doesnt work. She laughs so hard and loud a couple people point, first at her, and then at Joe and
me. Emily shoots her a look of death.
Kaity sees this glare and suddenly stops laughing. Gosh Emily, youre being a real bitch
today, she snaps. Laura doesnt want to be the laughing stock of the school any more than she
already is. Wait, what is that supposed to mean?
Emily stands up and turns towards me. Well like fine. Ill like sit with Joe by people
who like dont need the approval of others to like feel good about themselves! She stomps off,
and Joe quickly follows.
FINE! I scream. Go ahead. See if I care! I dont need you. Ill be better off without
you you blonde haired freak! Yeah, thats right, you and Joe just keep walking with me
screaming after you. Oh god.
Well, Kaity says. At least people will think youre broken up now.
Ive just made things worse.
But in a way, better.
Great. I lay my head on the table. What if a sink hole opened up beneath me and
swallowed me whole? I like the sound of that.
Oh god, youre not going to like this Laura, Kaity says staring behind me.
I groan. Now what? She sucks in some air and bites her bottom lip. This has got to be
good bad?
Here comes Cody and Kyle. She glances at me. What do I do?
I dont know! Dont panic, dont panic. Screw it, Im panicking. I look around crazily
trying to find an escape. What do I do?
We stare at each other. As if either of us knows. Wait. Why are you worried? she asks.
Uh I dont know. Why are you worried?
Kyles my ex-boyfriend!
Right. Well Cody is, you know
Im just so flustered! WHAT DO I DO? Cody and Kyle arrive not even a second later.
Hey, Cody says. Kyle nods in my general direction, but keeps staring at Kaity. Whoa. Super
awkward.
Could I talk to you Kaity? Just for a second, please, Kyle asks. She looks at me, and I
shake my head no. But she goes with him anyways. I watch as they walk off, trying to stall the
inevitable with Cody.
Cody sits down in her seat. Laura theres something I need to talk to you about I
suck in some air. I have to say it; otherwise Ill ruin my chance with him. Not that I want to be
with him, you know just in case hes the last guy on the planet and we have to start the whole
human civilization from scratch. Dont want it starting off on a bad note.
Listen Cody, Im not going out with Joe.
He blinks: once, twice, three times. Too long, what is he thinking? Laura, I knew that.
Did you really think Id believe those stupid rumors?
I dont know. You just seem like the type of guy that would. Uh-oh, that was probably
the wrong thing to say.
He looks at me and I can tell he was hurt by that remark, but guys never show it. Instead
he goes on the offense. Oh, so you have me cast as a type? Well what type is that, Laura?
I should tell him hes the type of guy I want to be with for the rest of my life maybe
thats a little overboard.
The type that is so nice, smart, sexy, too good for me, but I dont say any of that. Of
course not. I say the exact opposite. The type of guy that I have no interest in. OH CRAP! I
mean, total truth yeah.
He stands up. Well Laura, thats just freaking great. His face is red and his veins bulge.
If I didnt know him I would say hes the type that might beat a girl, but I know he wont harm a
fly.
A fly buzzes by and Cody hits it out of the air with one of Kaitys textbook. Okay, maybe
I dont know him as well as I think I do.
Thats cool. Not like I was interested in you anyway. Jeez. FUCK! He pounds the
table, and I swear it cracks. Then he whips around and walks away.
Not interested in me? Im the bees knees!
Good analogy!
What are we, ninety fucking years old?
I need to tell Kaity what just happened. But shes arguing with Kyle.
Furiously, she stabs her finger into his chest and then turns to leave. But Kyle grabs her
hand and pulls her back. She wrenches herself out of his grip and yells something like, Dont
you touch me! Kyles lips move but I cant hear him. NO! she screams. He looks desperate.
So he pulls her in and plants a kiss right on her lips. For a second she loosens up and kisses back,
but in the same amount of time, she steps back and slaps him.
She comes back to me, her face red. GOD! I fucking hate Kyle! You know what he
said? He wants me back! I cant believe him! He probably just wants to bang me and leave me
again! What an ass. She slumps down in her seat and takes a big bite out of her sandwich.
Ha! So she admits to having sex!
I tell her how my conversation with Cody went. She whistles low. Boy, you are an
idiot. The minutes pass by with us chewing on our food and sipping our drinks.

Lunch ended, and now Im in American Society, stuck in the same room with Derek,
Cody, and Kevin. Whoa, that Kevin kid was right: we do have classes together and apparently
Derek too. I really need to pay more attention in class.
Ms. Kelleher walks to the front of the room as soon as the bell rings. Alright class, lets
get the lesson started. Five minutes later, she finishes.
Done, she says closing her book. We all stare. She is not the type to give a five-minute
lesson. She can spend a whole period on one insignificant little piece of information. I mean
seriously, shes my favorite teacher, but is she a drag sometimes. This class is the worst except
for gym, chemistry, and of course geometry.
You just hate every class.
AND YOUR POINT IS?
Ms. Kelleher pulls out a stack of papers and starts passing them out. For the next
assignment you will be working with a partner to create a lesson about one specific event or
person during the American Revolution. I have chosen the partners and what they will be
working on together. Ms. Kelleher walks back to the front of the room and reads off names. Of
course she would pick our partners; she always picks our partners.
I sit anxiously at the edge of my seat. Every kid is paired up. Two by two, the numbers
dwindle until there are only two kids left. Yes, you can guess who.
Cody and me.
Oh hell no. What a shit! She did this on purpose. I just know it!
We should kill her! She deserves a slow and painful death.
Mwahahaha!
Listen Laura; this was most likely the cause of god! He wants you two to
work together! Youre supposed to be together! Its a sign! It must be fate,
Laura. Trust in god.
Shut UP! She didnt do it to be cruel and it is NOT god! Okay! Its my bad luck. I
thought you were against Cody, anyways.
That was before god shined his light upon him.
The crap my subconscious comes up with sometimes.
You guys are my subconscious, right?
I dunno.
Not a clue.
Laura and Cody. She smiles at me and hands me the assignment. I think you two will
have a lot of fun with this. The image of an airplane plummeting through the sky plays in my
head. Is that a sign from god?
Clearly not! Thats your imagination.
I sit in my seat dejected. Cody walks over and smiles at me. Partner work time: thisll be
fun.
What? I say to him.
Can I see the assignment?
Oh, yeah. Here. I push it into his hands and turn away. He sits down in the seat next to
me.
This is a very interesting topic.
Im not going to apologize, I blurt out. Definitely the right thing to say. In case you
were wondering. Ugh. Im such an idiot.
Cody looks at me confused. Okay. I wasnt going to ask you to.
Good. Because even if you did, I wouldnt.
Well I wouldnt ask even if you would apologize.
Even if I wanted you to ask, and you did, I still wouldnt apologize.
Well even if you wanted me to ask, I wouldnt, so dont even worry about it!
Yeah, well Im not even sure what to say next. Fine.
FINE! he says.
FINE! I say back.
With a huff he gets out of the seat and walks away. Derek looks at him questioningly, but
Cody just shakes his head angrily.
Dont let him get away!
YEAH!
We agree on something?
Hot damn, this is weird.

I jump onto my bed after school and heave a sigh. Mirrandamy seventeen year old
sisterand I share a bedroom, but luckily shes not here right now.
I want out. This life sucks. Theres no way Im dealing with tomorrow. But, I cant kill
myself. Im too awesome.
Screw Joe. Screw Cody.
If by screw, you mean the literal form: have sex with. Im okay
with this kind of. Joe is a stretch for me, but I think I can make it
work.
Shut up. You know thats not what I meant.
I stare out my window at the red and orange leaves on the tree. I love the fall. The trees
shed all their old leaves, leaving a barren body ready for a winter cleansing. Why cant life go
through the cleansing process trees go through?
Well time to get down to work: homework! Ha. Im so funny.

I do most of my homework, ignoring geometry and the American Society project
because, frankly, I dont have the energy to deal with that bullshit. And American Society
reminds me of Cody, who is extremely annoying. He is so stupid and aggravating.
He is way hot.
Ah hell.
Honey! my mother yells up the stairs. Go pick up your brothers and sisters from the
bus stop!
Okay Mom! I run down the stairs and flip on my shoes. The bus isnt there yet I
guess Ill take a walk around the street.
Halfway through, and I wish I had thought to grab my coat. When did it get so cold
outside?
I arrive at the bus stop and am surprised to find another person standing there already.
Which is weird because my siblings are the only ones who get off at this stop.
I walk up, steadying my breathing but then he turns. My breath catches in my throat.
My heart hiccups in my chest. He is drop dead gorgeous!
And even better hes my age.
KACHING!
I stop, careful to keep some distance between us. I dont need to come off as a creep. I try
to say hi, but nothing comes out. Maybe thats a good thing. I probably would have sounded like
an idiot.
This guy has the most perfect hair. Locks of golden sunshine lay perfectly on his head.
And his eyes so stunning so blue. Looking into them is like looking into heaven itself. Is
that an angelic choir behind me singing, or am I just going crazy? His body is tanned and
muscular. My god, hes perfection.
His black shirt hangs loosely on him, but Im no fool; I can see the raw power behind the
fabric. His upper arms are massive! Think about the six-pack on this guy. His blue jeans are
faded and ripped at the knees and a bit tight around the crotch. Not that thats a bad thing and
DEAR LORD! Theres a bulge. My god! Why am I staring?
I think I think I think Im going to faint.
Holy shit!
What?
She fainted.
He smiles at me and says one word, Hello. His deep rich voice caresses my ears. Its
like sweet honey.
Hi, I croak. I grab my throat. Oh god, this is horrible. Its the weather, I say with a
wave of the hand, always makes me sound like a frog. FROG! You idiot. Couldnt just leave it
alone at the weather? No, you had to say frog. Frog for goodness sakes!
He laughs, hopefully with me and not at me but Im not laughing. OH NO! The cold
weather always bothers my joints. It makes it hard to play the violin. Makes it sound like a frog.
I gulp. He has an English accent! HOLY CRAP! And he plays a violin! Dear lord he sounds
perfect! What am I saying? Sounds? He is perfect.
My name is Warren, by the way. Warren Harding.
Mae, Laura Mae.
Warren laughs sending these wonderful little chills down my back. I love James Bond.
Oh, Ive never seen any of the movies. I half-mumble staring at the ground pushing
some dirt around with my foot. Of course I would parody Bond to a Bond enthusiast. IDIOT.
Ugh.
Well then, Ill just have to fix that. How about you come around sometime and we can
watch a few of them together.
I smile. Man oh man! That would be nice. The bus starts to pull up, which is totally
unfair. This moment cannot end! It must be a dream. Im going to wake up any moment, lying in
my bed, to that shitty radio station.
Warren pulls out a piece of paper and scribbles something on it. Heres my number. Call
me anytime. He just gave me his number. This is the most amazing thing to ever happen to me
ever.
Besides the gift of life, of course.
His little brother runs out and hugs him. I watch as he picks him up and sets him up on
his broad shoulders. Bye! I call after him. I probably sound desperate. I shouldnt have said
that.
He puts his hand up and waves, not even turning around. Hes so cool, and hes so hot, so
sexy, so manly. I close my eyes, hoping to commit this moment to memory.
Oof. Im on the ground and my siblings Josh, Alexandra, Paul, and Emily are on top of
me having tackled me to the ground.
Laura! they scream. Josh is nine and very mature for his age. Alexandra and Paul are
fraternal twins, both seven and like to play pranks on everyone. Emily is five and the youngest,
named after my best friend Emily because my mother thought the name was just so pretty. But
she goes by Em because it sounds cooler. Whatever.
Come on guys, I say herding them towards home.
My life is definitely getting more and more complicated by the minute. I shouldnt be so
excited. But dear lord, if complicated means hot, then bring it on!






















Chapter 4

HOT! In the good or the bad way?

I arrive at school late the next day. My mother wasnt feeling well so Mirranda and I
stayed home late helping the little ones get ready. What fun that was.
NOT.
I walk into second period, Drama. Ah, yes, my favorite class when hell freezes over
that is. I have no idea why I took this class, really.
To be, or not to be, that is the question: whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the
slings and arrows of outrageous fortune Derekwho apparently is in my class? Why have I
never noticed him before?is up on the stage giving Hamlets famous soliloquy.
Now I remember why I took this class, to watch kids make a fool of themselves. Its
priceless watching him prance around on the stage talking about suicide and revenge. Ahh
how wonderful.
These moments are priceless.
Mrs. Treeabang turns around and spots me. Hello Laura! Hop up on the stage and give
your lines!
Um what lines?
She looks at me confused then notices my pass. Oh youre coming in late! Well then,
she pulls out two scripts, you can be either Ophelia from Hamlet or Juliet from Romeo and
Juliet.
Hm Both girls end up dying. Hamlet is normally pretty sexy but Derek is playing
him. Juliet, thank you. I walk up on the stage. I should have realized when I took this class
that I would also be making a fool of myself. Of course I only thought of others pain.
Act II, scene II your line is, O Romeo, Romeo. Got it? I nod. Good. Now remember
Romeo is your lover and he is outside your window.
I nod again. But wait Who is going to be Romeo?
Cody steps up, I will be.
OH GREAT.
I clear my throat and try to picture myself as Juliet. Lets see, I am a thirteen-fourteen
year old girl who is desperately in love with a boy I met at a party. Alright, so far its pretty
relatable. He is eighteenmaybe a little too oldand a member of the rival family, so we
cannot be together. But I love him for who he is, so why should any of that matter?
O Romeo, Romeo, I sure feel like an idiot Wherefore art thou Romeo? Deny my
father and refuse my name; or, if thou wilt not, be but sworn my love, and Ill no longer be a
Capulet. Why did Shakespeare have to be so sappy?
Cody turns his head to the audience and tilts it down, as if in thought. Shall I hear more,
or shall I speak at this?
I want to sigh but Mrs. Treeabang tells me its a very bad habit. Instead I continue on
with my lines. Tis but thy name that is my enemy; thou art thyself, though not a Montague..
Whats Montague? It is nor hand, nor foot, nor arm, nor face, nor any other part belonging to a
man We continue on for a few minutes. I feel like blowing my brains out, but by the time we
stop Mrs. Treeabang is crying.
The chemistry! she cries. Oh how beautiful the blend! How would you two like the
leading parts in this years play? I think Ill make it Romeo and Juliet just for you!
Id love it, Cody exclaims. He turns towards me. How about it Laura? he says with
that are you up to the challenge tone.
I thought you never wanted to speak to me again. What happened to that? I whisper
angrily.
Tut tut tut she doth protest too much, methinks. Come on babe, itll be perfect.
And just yesterday you were drooling all over me. I thought youd be happy about this.
First of all, wrong play moron. Secondly, I was not drooling all over you. I have a bit
more self-restraint than that. Thirdly, I dont do Shakespeare.
Well Laura? Mrs. Treeabang asks. I sigh.
Cody smiles at me. You know, you kind of owe me WHAT? That whole brownie
thing does not count!
Laura? Mrs. Treeabang looks at me expectantly. This is incredibly ridiculous. I have no
desire or drive to be an actress, especially if it means acting in one of Shakespeares worst plays
of all time.
That means there is only one answer I can give her.
I guess. Crap. Thats not what I meant!
Oh splendid! Romeo and Juliet it will be. I can see it now! she walks off, babbling on
to a group of devoted pupils. How does this stuff happen to me? Why didnt I just say no? Why
am I a sucker for pain?
I glare at Cody. You did that on purpose. I cant believe you. I jump off the stage and
walk away. I need space.
Of course Cody doesnt respect that. Well believe me when I say this, the words I spoke
are true. He jumps in front of me and holds my jaw in his hand. Believe me.
I step backwards and slap his hand away. Theyre words in a play, Cody. Dont become
a sap on me. Besides, were too young to be in love.
Romeo and Juliet fell in love and they were relatively our age.
Romeo and Juliet both died in the end!
Mere technicality.
Theyre fictional.
Whatever. An awkward silence ensues. I start to walk away but he begins to talk again.
Just listen to me Laura. Youre beautiful, smart, a loyal friend, funny, and so many other things!
Just give us a chance.
Im sorry Im not on the market right now. He scoffs at me, walks away, and then turns
back.
Since when?
Since, dont bring Warren into this! LAURA! Since I met someone. He already asked
me out on a date. So back off. Warren did ask me on a date kind of. Okay, maybe he just
wants to make friends and I was the first person he met. So? Its still a date, just a different type
of date, not the type that I am alluding to.
Oh god, I am in a boat load of trouble.
Cody stares at me. Are you kidding me?
No.
Howin the span of a daydid you already meet someone else? Thats completely
ridiculous!
Oh so now its ridiculous that someone would be interested in me.
Thats not what I said!
Well thats what is sounded like.
He opens his mouth to say something else, but Mrs. Treeabang cuts in. Tut, tut, tut! You
two are in love, not in fight! Cody smirks at me.
Fuck this.

The bell rings as soon as I take my seat in cooking. I look up and realize seated on one
side of me is Cody and on the other, Warren.
Oh hi, Warren! I say feeling bright and shiny, and it isnt because of the pot fumes I got
a whiff of before I came. Since when have you been in this class?
Starting today. I just moved here from England. My mum needed a break from all the
stuck up rich people and their fancy parlors and decorated tea cups and saucers Hey, how
would you like to come over tonight and watch those James Bond movies? I dont have much to
do, and Id really like to get to know you.
Not taking my eyes of Warren I answer, Id like that very much. I smile at him
demurelyat least I think its demurely. I can almost feel Codys gaze burning holes in my
head. Thisll teach him.
Emily walks in a minute later, face flushed, and hair tousled. Like hello everyone! She
skips over to our table and sits down. Like who are you? she says to Warren.
Hello, Im Warren Harding. I moved here from England.
Like oh my god! she screeches. Hows like the queen doing?
The queen?
Yeah, is she like alright? Does she like have enough fiber in her diet? Because like, I
read in this like article the older you get the like more fiber you need to eat because it like helps
with your poop.
I
But like you cant have like too much fiber because then it like stops the flow, if you
like understand me. I learned that one like the hard way.
Emily, I hiss. This isnt really an appropriate conversation to have with someone you
just met.
Like Im not talking to you, Laura. I guess shes still mad about yesterday at lunch. She
turns to Warren. If Ive like offended you, Im very sorry Warblin.
Warren.
Like, isnt that what I said?
Alright! I say laughing, fake laughing. Lets get started on this worksheet.
Our table is dead silent today, and usually were the loudest. The seconds seemed to tick
by ever so slowly. I can feel myself getting antsy. The tension is killing me. The silence is
deafening; I can barely hear myself think!
So like what part of England are you like from? Are you like from London or like the
leprechaun land or the like place with the like cute little skirts? Emily asks Warren.
He stares at her for a few seconds. What exactly are you asking?
You know, are you like from the Queens land or like the place with the leprechauns or
the place with the boy skirts?
You mean Ireland or Scotland?
If thats like what you guys call it, like yeah.
Ireland and Scotland arent in England. Theyre part of the UK, but
Like oh my god. Stop being so funny! Im like not an idiot!
Im from England. Emily nods her head, obviously okay with that answer. Warren
leans over to me and half whispers, Your American education system could use some work.
Hes so right and so dreamy.
HEY! Cody yells. Why dont you keep your euro-trash-talk to yourself.
Warren looks at him quizzically. Im sorry, but I havent made your acquaintance yet.
Youre about to become better acquainted with me, he pulls up his fists, if you dont
shut the fuck up. Maybe were not all geniuses, but we dont need no stinkin redcoats to come in
here and pretend to be all that.
I apologize if Ive offended you.
And we definitely dont need your apologies. Cody grabs his papers, straightens them,
then turns back to his work. Emily, what did you get for question two?
I have like no idea.
Warren turns to me, so I shrug my shoulders. I dont even know what Cody is so pissed
about. Sure, Warren made a little jab at Emilys intelligence, but who hasnt?

I leave for Warrens at seven o clock.
He opens the door for me when I walk up to his house. Come on in, he says, Id like
you to meet my mother. Oh god! His mother? What is this the fifties? Suddenly you agree to
hang out with a guy once and he thinks youre going to get married? This is moving far too fast.
The faster the better! Motion has friction and friction creates heat.
More heat, more passion! Oho! This is going to get hot and heavy!

Um well I was waiting for the other side.
Shes gone for now. She hit her head when she fainted. That was
priceless.
Huh. Didnt think that was possible because shes in my head!
I step inside the house and Warren takes my jacket off and hangs it in the closet. My, my,
he is quite the gentleman! He leads me to the kitchen where his mother is standing packing some
papers into her purse.
She smiles at me. Oh you must be Laura! Warren talked about you nonstop since he
came home. She gives me a bright smile.
Mum, Warren mumbles, his face getting a slight pink hue in the cheeks.
Oh well, sorry dear. She shoves a few more things into her purse. Work just called.
Apparently one of our interns managed to delete a major portion of the program weve been
working on. Your father is already there trying to fix it, but he hasnt made much progress.
Honestly, if you want something done right, have a woman do it.
I like her.
Of course, she continues. The intern was a girl, but she was American.
Or maybe not. What is she, some sort of racist Americanist?
Warren, Joshua is upstairs doing some homework. Make sure he doesnt get into any
trouble. At seven, theyre all trouble. Preaching to the choir.
Eh. Youre siblings arent that bad most of the time.
Bye Mum. He says walking her to the door. Oh the manners on him!
Goodbye Mrs. Harding! I call out. I wait till her car drives away to say anything to him.
I didnt realize your parents wouldnt be here.
Its funny how those things magically work out. He smiles devilishly at me. You look
quite stunning tonight.
Heat creeps up into my cheeks. Oh god he is playing me like a deck of cards. As if I
would give in to his tricks! It would be scandalous, outrageous, horrible!
BUT DELICIOUS!
Oh shut UP!
My dear Laura, you finally have decided to cast away the evil teenage
voice inside your head. God will welcome you with open arms. I am very proud
of you.
Hey youre back! By the way, I have not chosen! So everyone just SHUT UP! I hate you
all so much.
Now see, thats just the teenager talking.
Thank you for the very nice compliment. Warren just smiles and opens a door to a set a
stairs. I peek down it, expecting the worst: dead bodies, torture devices, a secret spy lab. But its
just a basement, slightly disappointing.
He flips on the lights and leads me down by my hand. Once downstairs, he turns on the
TV and puts the movie in. Hopefully you will enjoy this one. Its one of my favorites.
Warren grabs the controller and sits down on the couch. I cuddle up next to him. Yes, this
is VERY nice. I could stay like this forever, and ever, and ever, and ever, et cetera, et cetera, you
know what I mean.

About an hour into the movie my phone rings. Its my mother. Hello.
Honey! Its me, your mother. Hows everything going?
I know who you are Mom. And its going fine, were about an hour into the movie.
Interesting
Mom.
Yes?
Why did you call?
Just to check up. Make sure nothing is going on.
Do you not trust me?
My mother trusted me at your age, and as I recall, it was a huge mistake. There was this
one time
MOM.
Alright, alright! Ill save this for another time stay out of trouble, or youre
grounded.
Seriously mom.
Fine. Ill be going. Goodbye Laura.
Bye mom. I close my phone, turn towards Warren, and smile.
A good Mum is a protective Mum, he says with a hint of laughter. My phone rings as if
on cue.
I laugh. A bad Mom is an over bearing Mom. He laughs along with me. Warren is
definitely my perfect match alright, I might be jumping ahead a little.
Mom, I say answering the phone, youre ruining the movie.
Oh, are you on a date? Cody asks. I really need to look at the caller I.D. Wow. Thats
just great for you.
I turn towards Warren and cover the phone. Ill need to take this upstairs. He nods.
Once Im upstairs I address Cody. You knew I was on a date.
Hm why I dont remember you ever mentioning you were going on a date tonight.
Unless, no you couldnt be but then again. I tap my foot impatiently. You must be at that
English boys house. Why I think thats where you are! My, my, your children will be quite
handsome! And proper. And little assholes too.
Well someone sounds sour.
OF COURSE IM SOUR! That guy is a total jackass! I dont understand how you could
go on a date with him after he insulted your best friend!
He didnt insult her. He just made a joke at her expense. Besides, it was all in good fun.
He didnt mean anything!
Well, if I ever meet him in a dark alleyway, trust me, everything that happens will be all
in good fun.
Goodbye Cody. I flip my phone closed and put it on vibrate, then head back downstairs
to Warren.
Turn it back on, I say to him. We wont be interrupted anymore.

I get up from the couchmore correctly: Warrens sideand stretch. The movie is over,
and its not even nine yet. That was actually pretty good. I look at him. Wait, when did I get so
close to him? And more importantly, why did I move away?
Id new youd love it, I just hope you didnt start falling for Bond. I dont want to lose
you so quickly. I grin playfully.
Oh youre just messing around. No one could like me that much. Well, maybe Cody.
But he doesnt matter right now.
Laura if I was just toying with you wouldnt I have put a move on you by now? Think
about it.
I guess you would have
Of course I would have but Im not like that. Im English. He stands up and stretches.
Look at the muscle definition on that guy. Oh my. What time do you have till?
Ten on the dot.
We still have an hour. Want to play a game?
I dont do twister.
No, he laughs. I dont need that stupid game to get a girl. I was actually thinking
Monopoly.
Oh my god! I love Monopoly!

About fifty minutes and one speed game of monopoly later, I am victorious. He offers to
walk me home, so coat on my back and Warren in hand; we walk back to my house.
If I didnt land on your Marvin Gardens I would have won, he argues. His defense is
that he was not in his right mind. He says I was too much of a distraction, although I suspect he
let me win.
Hey, youre the one who traded it for Boardwalk. I landed on it once for goodness
sakes!
It was going through a dry spell. It was beginning to heat up if you didnt notice.
Nobody ever lands on Boardwalk! I laugh. Oh no, were already at my house. Shoot.
The porch light shines brightly in the dark, and strangely Im drawn in like a fly this is my
mothers doing.
We stand on my porch; looking into each others eyes. A kiss perhaps?
Kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss!
What if your mother is watching? What will she think? Laura!
God damn it. I wish I was a singing sidekick. That way I could set
the mood with a sick melody.
Um
HEY! Anyone can have a sensitive side! Cody showed us that.
Speaking of Cody
Hello! Ruining the mood.
Well, I guess this is goodnight, he says, scuffing his foot against the ground. Dang.
Yeah, I guess so. I look up at him. Maybe not dang yet!
He starts to walk away. DANG! Aw hell, he turns back and pulls me in for one
awesome French kiss. My whole body tingles with delight.
I learned that in France, he whispers.
God do I love those French people!
No you dont. You always say they smell like frogs.
Okay, so I like this one French thing.








Chapter 5

Aftertaste (of THE kiss)

Its third period Monday, and Cody has finally decided to speak to me again. In cooking
class, none the less.
So howd your date with Mr. Dream man go? he asks. I tried calling you Saturday but
you didnt answer.
I glance over my shoulder: Warren is helping Emily understand the recipe. A cup isnt
any cup its a certain type. A measuring cup. He looks up, notices me, and waves. I wave back.
A little dumb, yes, but theres nothing wrong with that. Its a cute kind of dumb. Its romantic,
endearing at least thats what Ill tell myself.
It went really nice actually. We watched a James Bond movie, played a game of
Monopoly, I won of course, and then he took me home.
What, no spectacular good night kiss youre just dying to tell someone about? I glance
back at Emily. The whole thing is a matter of principle, and if she just doesnt see that this break
will continue.
Thats kind of private Cody, I mumble. God my face is heating up. I can feel it.
Cody drops the cup he was drying. It shatters on the floor. You didnt! he whispers,
trying to convince himself it isnt true. Tell me you didnt kiss him Laura. Tell me you didnt
kiss that pompous English bastard. Thats all I need to hear.
Oh he is pissing me off. Gee Cody that would be a lie.
He groans. I just cant take this anymore! he stomps out of the room, his fists clenched.
Ms. Shortz lets him go with a sigh.
Warren looks at me, and I shrug my shoulders.
Some things are better left unsaid.

Oh God Kaity it was just horrible! I whine as I sit down at the lunch table.
Seriously? Because Cody was just talking about how you and Warren had really hit it
off
No! Not the thing with Warren! Wait, Cody was talking about me?
Oh hell yes! He was so pissed that you kissed Warren he was ready to blow! Ive never
seen anyone so pissed off.
Really? He was that angry I had kissed Warren? Thats interesting. and disastrous. Do
you think he still likes me?
Earth to Laura: I thought you were interested in Warren?
Yeah, but its not like were official. I mean, he might not even like me the way that a
girl wants a boy to. Maybe he thought that kiss was absolutely horrific?
Who am I kidding, it was AMAZING.
There is that possibility.
Thanks for the support.
Sorry. Did you want me to lie to you?
Yeah, kind of!
She shakes her head. Look, if Warren doesnt like you, so what? There are other guys
out there.
Exactly, and I wanted Cody to be that other guy if Warren isnt interested.
Cody isnt going to be your rebound. Hes too prideful, besides he wants to be THE guy.
Your guy, matter of fact.
I lay my head down on the table. Sometimes hes so impossible. Impossibly annoying,
impossibly hot And Warren is so so There are no words to describe him.
She is gazing off into the distance. Hot, juicy, English.
I pull my head up. YES! Those are exaclty the words I was looking for!
And coming this way! I turn my head and, sure enough, Warren is walking straight
towards us; and twenty pairs of female eyes are following him. Hmph. You know, those girls
could show a little respect. He sits down next to me. Out of the corner of my eye I see Cody stop
to watch.
I hope Im not moving too fast Laura, he says, But I really would like for you to be
my girlfriend. He pulls out a silver necklace. It shines brightly in the fluorescent school lighting.
At the bottom is a heart locket made of brilliant blue stone. Please accept, he asks, holding the
necklace out to me.
My heart stops in my chest.
I mean, not literally. Then I would be dead.
Yes, I say. Oh Cody is going to be so furious. Itll teach him a lesson.
Warren smiles brightly and offers to put it on. I pull my hair up and let him. His hands
feel so warm on my neck and I can feel the happiness radiating off him. What if he kisses me
again?
But he doesnt. Still, at this moment Cody doesnt matter, nothing matters except the fact
that I am officially Warrens.
Warrens girlfriend, Mrs. Harding, Mrs. Laura Harding
Mrs. Dr. Warren Harding.

Im in American Society now, and today were working on our projects.
Lets get to work, I say sweetly to Cody, putting a stack of papers on his desk. It wasnt
supposed to come out sweetly, it just happened to. I am probably still running off the chocolate I
had from lunch.
He glances up at me. Nice necklace, Laura, whered you get it? As if he doesnt know.
He watched the whole thing then smashed his burrito into Kyles face and stormed out of the
lunchroom.
Just shut up and work on the god damn project, okay. And now Im no longer feeling
very sweet.
And if I dont want to?
Then eat shit and die, because Im not failing. Got that?
He laughs. Okay. He stands up and walks to the front of the room. I assume he asked
for a pass, because Ms. Kelleher gives him one. He gestures for me to follow.
Once in the hallway he pushes me up against the wall. What do you see in him, Laura? I
just dont get it.
Well for one, Warren doesnt go pushing people up against the wall. He just asks them
how they feel without all the physical crap. I want to push him away, I think. But hes pinned
one of my hands behind my back. And the other well, the other is currently stuck to his hip for
some strange reason. He must have put superglue on it very ingenious.
Well you have to blame yourself for all the physical crap as you put it. Youre asking for
it being so so he gazes into my eyes, finger trailing the neckline of my shirt. I do a mental
check, and, yes, I am currently wearing the baggiest shirt and pair of blue jeans that I have.
Wheres the appeal in that? So hot and sexy, he finishes.
Laura! Look at what youre doing to me! Im getting turned on in a hallway for Jesus
Christ! Cody starts to walk away. I lean my head against the wall, trying to sort my thoughts,
when he turns around, grabs me by the shoulders, and kisses me. I can hardly think everything
is so fuzzy and yet spectacular. I see rainbows, butterflies, fireworks, lots of fireworks.
He breaks the kiss, leaving me breathless. It was a damn good kiss, different from
Warrens, but still good.
Maybe the difference is that he didnt slip me the tongue, but Im not an expert, this is
only my second kiss.
He steps away quickly. Crap, he mutters.
Hmm? My body is in shock. I can barely stand, barely breathe, barely recall my name.
La Laur Laura! This is not good.
Whyd you kiss me back? He kicks the wall in frustration. You were supposed to push
me away!
Oh I forgot. I didnt really study my script all that well.
Laura! Im serious! I needed that no to finally let go!
Yeah, well have you ever thought about what I need? Maybe I needed that to um
shit. Theres no reason as to why I needed that kiss. Unless Maybe I needed that to realize my
feelings for you were nothing at all. I felt nothing for you in that kiss, nothing except pure bliss.
Cody stares at me. His jaw drops. You like me!
no. Dang.
Ha! Too late! You admitted it! I knew you liked me! I could feel it in my gut. He starts
dancing with joy. And! he says pointing at me, you took way too long to say no, and you
know what that means.
Shut up Cody! God damn it! Is he looking at the same site as Emily? I have to check it
out. Im not interested in you. I like Warren: hes funny, smart, intelligent, sexy.
I dont see any of that in him!
Well I hope you wouldnt; that would make you gay!
Thats not what I meant Laura! What I see is a guy whos playing with you so he can get
what he wants!
Well then you dont understand him. Hell, you dont even know him, so I dont know
why you think youre in a position to judge his character and intentions.
You dont know him, but I do. I know how guys are Laura; I am friends with some of
the worst of the worst!
HEY! someone yells from the end of the hallway. Funny it sounded a lot like Derek.
Well, now I know who I need to stay clear of: CODY!
I walk away. Laura wait! he calls out to me.
But I dont stop.
And I never will maybe.

I trudge back to school later that night. Were having tryouts for Romeo and Juliet. Ive
been forced to come backalong with Cody. The chemistry has to be absolutely perfect, Mrs.
Treeabang had said. I dont give a damn about chemistry. No, seriously. I didnt even do the
homework.
I walk in the auditorium. Cody is sitting on one side of Mrs. Treeabang. Very clever of
me, I walk around to sit on the opposite side of her.
Mrs. Treeabang jumps up as soon as I sit down. This wont do, this just wont do! The
crazy lady is talking to herself again. Maybe I should call for help Laura, she looks at me
sternly, you must sit next to Cody! Say what? You need to confer with him about the actors,
decide which suit you best.
Mrs. Treeabang, I protest, Isnt that your job?
Nonsense! Im not the actor! And there we have it. I have to sit by Cody.
In the middle of an audition Cody purposely leans across me to grab a pencil, even
though there is one right next to him. Your breath smells like mouthwash, he whispers.
Shh! I smack him on the head with my papers. Once the audition is over I turn towards
him. Unlike you, I pride myself on personal hygiene. I pull out a couple pieces of gum and
shove them in my mouth. Chew, chew, chew, get rid of Cody taste, get rid of Cody taste.
And next is Derek Mecan, trying for the part of Tybalt, Mrs. Treeabag announces. I
glance towards Cody, giving him my evil eye.
He would make a good Tybalt, Cody argues. Trust me you should see him when hes
mad. He shakes his head. All the ladies love him. Thats why I keep you away.
HA! I already met him and trust me he is not a great catch. He doesnt fit my type. I
prefer smart, funny, considerate, talented
Im talented. You just havent met him yet, Cody says glancing down at the crotch
area.
You pervert!
Shh! Derek is auditioning. I roll my eyes. God, this kid is so annoying.

The rest of the auditions pass uneventfully. I walk outside into the cold October air.
Glancing around, I dont see my mothers car. Dang, I guess Ill just call her. Uh, hi, Mom.
Just calling to see where you are, because well I cant drive and you said that youd pick me up
after the auditions! Well, youre not here, but thats okay, Ill wait. You know if I get mugged
Ill be alright, the most valuable thing I have on me is my virginity, no big deal. Besides, Im
wearing that killer chastity belt you bought me.
I shove my phone back in my pocket. Killer chastity belt eh? Kind of ruins the plans I
had for you. Cody is standing behind me, grinning. I glare at him. You know, I think you could
use a ride.
Yeah, well Id rather ride with a rapist chainsaw then get a ride from you. Ha ha, rapist
chainsaw. Ive been waiting to use that for months.
Oh that hurts, that really hurts me. You know where that hurts, right here, he says
tapping his heart. Right here.
Well, Cody, you cant fool me, I know you dont have a heart. I cross my arms,
determined to wait for my mother.
You know what; I dont care what you say: Im giving you a ride home. Who does he
think he is?
You cant.
Oh yes I can! Your Mom called me because she couldnt reach you on your phone.
Shes at the hospital with your brotherits nothing too serious, dont worryand told me to
take you home. She also said no funny business because you have a boyfriend, but Im just going
to pretend my signal cut out before I could hear that.
I glare at him. I dont believe you.
Oh, I really will pretend I didnt hear your Mom say that.
Not that. I dont believe my Mom called you. I stare at him, and he stares back. Neither
of us is willing to divert our gaze. I can feel the blood boiling under my skin, the intensity in his
eyes. Just under the surface swims the reckless lust? This cant be right.
She also told me to tell you monkey licking cock sucker ass rapist mother fucker
uh He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a piece of paper. Oh right, dog shit.
My mothers code phrase! We made it up years ago after she watched some television
show about child abductions. You create a code phrase so your kid knows if the person trying to
give them a ride home is telling the truth or not.
I dont believe you, I tell him. His jaw drops. It was a lucky guess. Yes, that makes
perfect sense! A lucky guess.
A LUCKY GUESS? he screams. You think that was a fucking lucky guess? I had to
write it down to remember it!
Well, I say its a lucky guess, so its a god damn LUCKY GUESS!
Oh, lucky guess my ass! He grabs me by the waist and flips me over his shoulder.
Appalled, I bang on his back with my fists.
Let me down! Let me down! Cody you let me down right now or I will call the police
or something!
NO! Your mother told me to take you home so I will! Ill not piss her off.
Youre pissing me off!
Really? Im rather pleased with myself. How about that Laura? Are you pleased by
this?
When hell freezes over.
Did you feel that? I think the temperature just dropped a couple degrees.
Oh ha ha, very funny. Once he reaches his car, he pulls me off his shoulder and holds
me close. After a few moments, he pushes me away. Arent you going to take me home? He
doesnt answer but stares at me.
Cody youre beginning to freak me out. He keeps staring. This is getting really
creepy and awkward. Uh Cody anyone home?
He puts his finger to my lips and shushes me. Dont speak: youll ruin the moment.
Ruin the moment! Get your fingers off me, bitch! I smack his hand away. Take me
home now, or Ill make a scene! A bigger scene.
Okay, but first I want to know why you chose Warren, even though I was clearly there
first. He steps in front of me, blocking the passenger door.
There first? Are you a fifth grader calling dibs?
Obviously yes.
Look, Im not answering that question.
If you want to get home to your nice warm bed you have to. Otherwise youre coming
home with me and you wont like that will you? He doesnt move.
Why you Fine. You want to know? Its because hes hotter.
Cody raises an eyebrow. Seriously?
No? Yes. I guess, yes.
He looks at me, not an intense look nor a passionate one. He just looks, so I look back. I
dont believe you. Not for one second.
What dont you believe?
No ones hotter than me. Look at me. He gestures at his body. I mean, he is
attractive hot sexy.
Well, thats a matter of opinion.
I need a better reason.
No! I gave you a very good reason. Now TAKE ME HOME.
FINE! He unlocks the car and wrenches open the door. I sit down and watch as he
huffs to his side. He slams the key in and punches the gas. We sit in silence for a few minutes.
The tension is murderous. I decide to break the silence.
Can we turn
No.
You dont even know what I was going to say!
Too bad. I slump back in my seat, downright aggravated.
Can I roll down
No.
Can I sing
No.
Do you want to talk
No.
Do you want to make out?
No.
Do you want me to break up with Warren?
No.
Are you even listening to me? I just offered to kiss you and break up with Warren, but
you said no.
And if I said yes?
NO!
Exactly.
How did I end up in this situation? Right now I should be hanging out with my boyfriend,
not locked in a car with a lunatic.
Oh Laura. You should be happy: double the action! BOOYAH! I
love it! This is way better than I ever thought it would be. You are a
playa! Youre actually out playing that Derek kid! This is a dream
come true!
I still cannot believe you kissed Cody! What if Warren finds out? What if
things get out of hand? Your reputation will be ruined! Oh Laura, you need
some serious help right now!
My reputation? Have we forgotten about the debacle called Joe Pantz?
Not that you really had a reputation to start with
Wow. Thanks.







Chapter 6

Its a Little Bit Me; Its a Little Bit You

I wake up a week later on a Monday morning tired. I stayed up all last night debating
with myself; would I, should I go speak to Emily? Warren told me that sometimes people just
outgrow their friends. Kaity had told me I should go talk to Emily, even if she was in the wrong.
Ten years of friendship is worth more than some stupid blunder.
Thats it: Im going to meet her.

I arrive first. Waiting is unbearable. Where should I stand? Where will she stand? What
will I do if she tells me to leave? Can I deal with the pain? What should I say exactly? Hey
Emily, I was thinking and I realized youre being an idiot. Oh yeah, thatll work. Ill go with
something more neutral, Hey Emily, Im sorry for the way Ive been acting. Yes, vague and yet,
still reconciliatory.
I can see it now. I say Im sorry, she accepts, I make a little joke, some laughter from Joe,
wed hug, and Joe screams like a girl and says something sappy and clich, I always knew
youd guys get over it!.
Yes, thats exactly how it will work out.
Joe arrives second. He looks at me. You and Emily make up? I shake my head no. If I
talk Ill puke: my stomach is all in a knot. Are you guys going to make up? I shrug my
shoulders. She misses you a lot, Laura. She needs you. Youre her best friend for lifeas she
puts itnothing will, or can, ever change that. His face turns serious, Laura, I beg of you. I
cant tolerate her going on and on about you. Really its insufferable.
I smile at him. You might be nerdy, but youre the nicest guy I know. The girl that gets
you is a lucky one indeed. He blushes, something real men never do. We wait in silence for
Emily to come. I think its high time to say goodbye to my pride.
OH! My Lauras all grown up! Im so proud of you! Never did I think you
would overcome this evil that was inside you, but now you have.
Just SHUT UP! Laura, youre a coward, a weak hoe, and a
fricking pussy! I cant take this! Damn you all to hell.
Oh why dont you go jump!
WHAT?
You you you grew some balls! NO WAY! You actually acted tough for once.
Thanks!
A door squeaks open and I turn. Emily steps out of her house. She hasnt noticed me yet,
which means I still have time to abort this mission. But my legs wont move, and my hearts
pounding out of my chest. I think its about time I grew some balls too.
Emily! I yell to her, Im so sorry! Please! I want us to be bffls again! I miss you so
much! Nothing is the same without you! Please come back to me!
She hesitates for a few seconds then full out runs to me. I meet her in the middle and we
hug, Emily squishing me into a large bear hug. Laura, she giggles, Lets like never fight
again.
Never, ever. We laugh together. Maybe its because our last fight was so stupid, maybe
its because of nervous tension.
I laugh because I know well never keep our promise.
At least, I will never be able to keep the promise, but you cant blame me, its just who I
am.

I was thinking about you all weekend Laura. Cody whispers in my ear. What a little
freak. I kept imagining you in those sexy jeans you were wearing during Saturday rehearsal.
Piss off Cody. I turn back to reading my script. Jeez, Juliet is a slut. Shes talking
about Romeo taking her virginity. Not even fourteen. At least Kaity had the decency to wait
until she was fourteen I think. I still havent talked to her about this.
You know Laura, we could always rewrite the play so that
No. Were not going to change it so they have sex.
He stands up abruptly. Excuse me. I messed this up. Cody walks away and then comes
back. Laura, can I speak with you? he asks politely.
Sure All I had to do was not share my juice box in kindergarten. Now I have a psycho,
who thinks he can reverse time, as a friend ACQUAINTANCE.
Laura, lately Ive been a real ass, and I wanted to say Im sorry. I should have never
yelled at you or treated you the way I have been. I overreacted and acted like a dumbass. Im
sorry, Laura. Im sorry, and Ill do anything to make it up to you.
I stare at him. He leans across the table, hands clasped, begging for my forgiveness. Its
almost like a dream come true (a sick cruel dream, to be truthful). He must really want to get in
my pants.
Cody, Ive been pretty shitty too. Im sorry.
Laura, you dont have to apologize. Listen, youve acted the way you should have. I
love the way you are. Youre confident, determined, strong, smart, funny, and you dont take shit
from anybody. Even me.
But I need to apologize. I havent been fair to you.
I said dont apologize!
Well, I want to!
Laura, Im trying to do the right thing here. LET ME BE THE GOOD GUY.
But Im sorry too!
NO, youre NOT.
YES, I AM.
Laura, stop right now. I cant walk away and restart this conversation again! He looks
off into the distance, eyebrows scrunch up in thought. Then he suddenly walks away and comes
back. Laura, can I talk to you?
Are you serious?
What? I realized it was a good tactic.
You know what, Codys a pretty swell guy.
Swell? Are we ninety years old again? You need to stop being
such a loser.
Cody Forget Warren, this guy was meant for me! Cody I like you? Wait,
no thats a little too strong. I
Its okay Laura, I understand. We gaze into each others eyes. And I want this to lead
to more, but something is weighing me down.
Physically or metaphorically?
Both? Its this stupid locket Warren gave me. I cant.
Stupid? I thought it was sweet.
Well, you would.
What?
This will never work Cody. He looks at me confused. Im with Warren. I like Warren,
Im sorry.
This is because of Warren? he breathes.
Cody Im sorry.
Dont be sorry, its my fault. I shouldnt have done this to you. You obviously love
Warren and wouldnt want to have anything to do with a low-life like me. Hes blonde, Im
brunette; his sky blue eyes are to die for, my green ones remind people of puke; hes English,
and Im fucking AMERICAN!
Dont you dare do this Cody! Oh god, Im so angry right now. Why does every
conversation with him take a turn for the worse?
Do what Laura? Notice the distinct differences between Warren and me? Finally realize
why you chose him over me?
Dont act like a complete JERK OFF! Cody stares at me; I glare back. Thats right I
dont take shit from anyone, even him.
Oh youve done it now!
Uh-oh.
He sighs and calms down. Im sorry Laura. I just feel so angry when you talk about
other guys like that. It makes me want to take you in my arms and hold you like there is no
tomorrow. Mood swing much?
Alright class! Hustle, hustle. Where are my Rosencrantz, Guildenstern, and Hamlet?
Mrs. Treeabang calls out.
Cody grabs my hand and kisses it. Ill be back my love. He runs his hand across my
cheek than hops on the makeshift stage.
OH, I could kill him right now! Hes so evil! Cody, you bastard,
no one messes with my girls heart and gets away with it!
Now, now. Peace and love make the world go round, so lets try and keep
everything in harmony. Cody is just confused with his feelings. He probably
doesnt know what to think. Hes a teenager anyways; the reasoning portion of
his brain isnt fully developed yet.
He KNOWS exactly what hes doing, messing with my girls feeling
like that. Why, Id kick his ass up and down the block if I could. After
I finished with him, he wouldnt know his own ass from his own face!
Screw this, I dont have to stick around and let him mess with me like that.

After getting a pass to the bathroom, I amble through the halls, imagining what life would
be like if this stuff didnt happen. What would life be like if Warren hadnt come into the
picture? For some reason I just cant see it.
I push open the door to the bathroom and stand at the sink. How could two guys both be
fighting for the same girl?
No, they cant. Im not the same with Warren. He doesnt know the real me, the real
Laura Mae.
A bathroom stall crashes open and out pops Emily Cotter. Emily? Man, this day is
getting weirder by the second.
Oh like hi Laura! she exclaims straightening her wild hair and pulling the stall shut
behind her. She giggles a couple times. What are you like up to?
I try to peer around her into the stall, but she blocks my way. Oh nothing. You know just
the usual. You?
Oh! Um same new, same new. She waves her hand dismissively while saying this.
Emily, the phrase is same old, same old.
No, Im like pretty sure I said it like right. I nod. Sure she did. Well, Ill like see you
next period! She smiles at me as I leave. What was she hiding in there? And why was her hair
all ruffled? Oh my god. Her boyfriend was in there! But why would she hide him from me
unless it was...
Laura! Dont even think that! Emily would never ever do something like
that!
Oh yes she would! I cant believe she got with Kyle Pandaman. It
all makes sense! The hot blonde, the reason for not being able to tell
you, the unnecessary amount of privacy she calls for, and Joe Pantz as
a cover for the horrible betrayal she is committing. BRAVO!
What will Kaity think?
Crap! Kaity!
I run down the halls back to drama class. I quickly grab my script and turn away from
everyone, pretending to be busy. Why would Kyle date Emily? He knows Kaity is her friend! Its
just so cruel.
Guys: you cant live with them you just cant live with them.

The bell rings for third period and I race out of drama class. I dont want to walk with
Cody. I need to be alone for a few more minutes.
My heart pounds when Warren walks into cooking, and it skips a beat when Cody
follows after him. Warren greets me with a kiss on the cheek. Cody just smiles. That bastard.
Cody cant just smile at me like nothing happened!
Today, we are cooking chicken and mashed potatoes. The type of meal a woman would
make for her family. Maybe one day Ill be at the stove preparing this exact dinner, the children
upstairs doing god knows what, my husband will walk through the door with flowersjust
because Im so prettyand give me a big kiss on the cheek.
Maybe one day Ill actually be able to cook.
Years from now, but at this moment I am on potato duty with Warren of course.
He sidles up next to me. Thighs touch thighs, hips bump hips, and arms brush arms. God
almighty this is a bad idea. I cant concentrate.
We havent talked much lately, Warren says halfway into peeling his second potato.
I know, Ive been really busy, I answer, just beginning my first. See what I mean, I
cant concentrate on something simple like skinning a potato. Would you like to hang out some
time?
He sighs. Laura, theres something we need to talk about. I nod. This is going to get
ugly, wait, no it isnt. Hes English and that means hes very formal and has superb manners. At
worst this is going to get into a heated discussion. What is Cody to you? he asks.
Well, I croak. Why is my mouth suddenly dry? Thats not a good sign. Ahem well
hes a friend a person that Ive known for quite some time now
Do you like him? Very subtle of Warren, dont you think?
Well peel, peel, peel, you could say that, peel, peel, peel, I like him like I like my
brother A very hot step-brother whose father married my mother when we were in our teens,
so any romantic feelings toward each other falls in the non-creepy zone.
Laura
Warren Two can play this game.
He glances at me confused before continuing. Laura, you need to figure out your
feelings for him before you commit to anyone. I think we need to split up for the time being.
That doesnt mean we cant like each other, but its just not serious. Thats all. If you want, you
can figure things out with Cody first.
I stare at him. Hes breaking up with me! Kind of, I guess. It just doesnt seem fair. It
never is fair.
But I cant believe how nice he is. To let me go and figure things out, knowing there is I
chance I would never come back. That took balls. That took some big balls.
But Warren is right. I need to figure a few things out first, especially my Cody problem.
I unsnap the necklace and hand it back to him. I guess this belongs to you. He shakes
his head and pushes it back into my hand, clasps his hands around mine and closes them.
When I gave this to you, I wanted you to keep it. Besides I like when you wear it. He
leans in close and whispers in my ear, Ill have you back, Laura. No one can keep you away
from me for long. He pulls away and calls out to Cody, Cody, you want to switch?
Cody glances over at us and smiles devilishly. Sure. He walks over and starts mashing
the potatoes. Youre not wearing your necklace. Does that mean you guys are over? he asks,
voice strained, probably trying to contain the happiness hes feeling. What a dick.
Well, kind of. We split up so I could figure a few things out first. I focus on measuring
the butter, trying not to tell him too much.
Oh. That really sucks, he says adding the milk, an odd hint of sincerity in his voice.
Yeah, I guess.
We stand in silence for some time. Laura, would you like tono, never mind. I feel my
face flush. This is great; Im barely single and another guy is already trying to ask me out.
Listen Cody, go trade jobs with Emily. I need to talk to her anyway. He sighs and
walks off. Emily skips over and stares at the mashed potatoes.
That like doesnt look like chicken to me, she says pointing.
Thats because its mashed potatoes not chicken. She shakes her head. What Emily?
Like no no no no no! I like made the mashed potatoes. I like mashed them, I like
measured the milk, I like added the butter, and I even like peeled off the skin. I stare at her
dumbfounded.
Emily, you were supposed to be making the chicken! What the hell? What was Cody
doing?
Well every time I like tried to ask him a question he like said, yeah whatever then
like asked me if you ever like talk about him or if you like, like him and what you like think of
Warren and why you like Warren. She stops and taps her finger on her chin, as if in thought.
Sometimes hes really like weird and like not in that cute nerdy way.
Emily, I interrupt, did you already put the chicken, I mean, mashed potatoes in the
oven? she nods. I run over to the oven and push Cody and Warren aside. There it is, in the oven
a boiling pot of mashed chicken, milk, and butter. Although it looks disgusting, it has a nice
aroma to it.
They said to like put it in at forty to sixty hundred degrees so I like did five hundred just
to be safe. She smiles brightly.
Emily! That was the amount of time you were supposed to put it in for! I scream over
the loud ruckus behind me, from god knows what.
Oh! she exclaims. Thats what min. stands for! I roll my eyes and turn around to
see what the big commotion is.
Cody punches Warren in the face, sending the English kid flying into the counter. His
back cracks as it curves around the edge. Warren jumps back up and he grabs the bowl of
chickenactually mashed potatoesand throws it at Cody. He manages to move mostly out of
the way, but it clips his shoulder. He moans in pain, teetering backwards.
After regaining his composure, Cody grabs Warrens backpack and smiles ruefully at
him.
Dont do it! Warren yells pointing at Cody, holding a pair of potatoes in the other hand.
Make me, Cody answers opening the oven and throwing the backpack in. It bursts into
flames. Warren screams in rage and body slams Cody. They crash to the ground with a thud and
resume fighting; neither can gain a clear advantage.
EMILY! I yell over the shouts of encouragement and the shrill screams of girls, WE
SHOULD DO SOMETHING!
She looks at me and nods. I watch, confused, as she grabs oven mitts and runs into the
center of the fight. She kicks Cody over, giving Warren a chance to pummel him, and sticks her
covered hands in the oven pulling out the mashed potatoes. She places them on top of a
different oven, probably for safekeeping, and runs back to me.
I like saved them Laura! I like saved them. I smack myself on the head. Of course she
saved them. I shake my head and run to the cabinet that holds all the pots and pans. The door to
the classroom opens and someone says, Oh my dear lord.
Frantic voices cut through noise.
Someone call the office!
Get those two off each other!
Screw that, twenty bucks on the American.
Pot, pan, pot, pan, I whisper, looking back and forth at them. I cant decide which is
better!
HURRY LAURA! Emily shrieks jumping out of the way of the two warring boys. I
throw the pan back down and run over to the fight. At the moment they are both losing. Cody
punches Warren in the face while Warren strangles Cody.
Maybe I should just leave them?
LAURA!
Right. That would be a bad thing to do.
I slam the pot down on Warrens head because hes the closest. He slumps down,
presumably unconscious. Cody sucks in a breath of air. He glances up at me, massaging his neck
and says, Does this mean you choose me?
So I slam the pot down on his head too.

























Chapter 7

Codys House

I decide to go to Codys house later that night, to work on our American Society
project Not really, I just want to find out why he and Warren started fighting. The project is
just a cover.
But you probably know that.
Laura, you shouldnt be here! Youre supposed to be working things out
with Warren! Warren, English man of your dreams! Youre not supposed to crawl
back to Cody, like some cat in heat!
Now, now! Warren said Laura can work things out with Cody
first. And he didnt say you couldnt make out! Its still working things
out, just with your tongue not whatever he meant for it to be.
But nothing like that is going to happen. Im just going over to see if the rumors are true.
I mean, I dont listen to rumors anyways, but just in case theyre finally right for once. Hey, did
you hear that new one? Emily and Joe. HA! Obviously its Kyle.
I ring the doorbell and wait silently. Oh god what am I doing here? I should be at home or
with Warren! Oh shit! Oh dang! Oh no!
Oh god someones unlocking the door! RUN NOW!
Cody opens the door and looks at me surprised. Although, his greeting is quite cheerful,
Come on in Laura! I step through the threshold into the house. Its changed since I was here
last: his ninth birthday party.
Reaffirming the fact that we are not friends, just acquaintances.
Yeah, we get it. So just shut up about it already.
Ill skip the bullshit and jump right to the point. So are you in a lot of trouble?
No, I explained everything to my parents, they understood, but theyre not too pleased.
Apparently, getting suspended for two days and two Saturday schools is looked down upon in
my family. You want to come up to my room? Room? Just him and me alone in his bedroom?
Its so suggestive. I have to finish some homework, thats all.
He escorts me up the stairs and opens the door to his room for me. You can watch the
TV if you like. He walks in and sits down at his desk. A couple books lay open on the floor.
Where do I, um, sit? I ask unsure of what to do. He gestures to his bed. I gulp down
the uneasy feeling in my throat and sit down. So where are your parents? Huh, the bed is
actually quite comfortable, lots of cushion.
Theyre at some party. Grown up crap, and it seems that Im too young to hear about
sex, drugs, and all that other stuff you learn about at school.
Well you know how parents are. I turn the TV on and flip through the channels. I leave
the cooking channel on, its perfectly neutral. Theres no way he can construe anything from it.
He takes off his sweatshirt and thats when I notice he has a bandage on his arm. Does
that hurt? I ask.
Just a bit. Not too much, Warren throws like a he glances at me, yeah, he better not
say girl, an English boy. I nod and turn back to the TV. They are going over how to make a
healthy meal for the family that also tastes good. Its chicken, mashed potatoes, and a tuna
casserole.
Interesting.
Mmm beer.
NO! Theyre making chicken. You know, BAWK, BAWK! Ha ha, I do
great chicken impressions.
Seriously?
Fifteen minutes pass and they move on to chocolate pudding. The rustling of papers and
the scratching of a pencil has stopped. I turn and see Cody watching me intently. Creepy.
How long do you have until? he asks, his voice quiet. What is he thinking about?
Hopefully it is school work, but I seriously doubt it
My mom wants me back by ten tonight, we both glance at the clock. It blinks 7:25.
What did you have in mind? I ask wishing it didnt come out so coy.
Cody smiles, obviously catching my oops. Oh, I just thought maybe we should
practice our lines. He flips off the TV and climbs onto the bed.
I pull my legs up defensively. Well, I um uh ah I NEED AN EXCUSE! I
didnt bring my script so I cant really practice, now can I? Oh yeah, great excuse Laura, really
brilliant.
He grins. Dont worry, I have mine. He sidles up next to me and sprawls himself out,
purposely touching my whole side. You can just look off it. This should work just fine.
Listen Cody, Im not in the mood to practice my lines. I already did today, a lot. And I
mean a lot. Ha, yeah, a lot. Ha, yeah, youre lame. I push his hand with the script away. He
willingly drops it and places his hand on my stomach. My whole body tingles in response.
So what did you have in mind then? He pulls himself up higher on the bed and looks
into my eyes. I know where this is going, but do I really want to stop it?
YES!
NO!
Cody leans in and kisses me. It is magical, wonderful, intoxicating, and horribly stupid.
What about Warren? Codys kisses become more frantic and passionate. NO! I cant think about
Warren now, but I must! Cannot lose focus must remain in the real world!
Cody suddenly pulls away from me, and he looks at me concerned.
Too much too fast? he asks. I try to speak, to tell him YES! We cant do this! Its
much too fast and so wrong! but nothing comes out and instead I just shake my head no. He
leans in again.
His fingers grab my hips and pull me on top of him. I try to stay strong and resist, but its
impossible. And now Im on top of him. His lips, soft lips, and whats this? A six-pack, Jesus
Christ. Lips, six-pack, legs, hands, bulge WHAT? BULGE! Since when had my thigh slipped
between his? This is not good.
LAURA! Get out of there now! Its gone way too far. Im having trouble
getting through to you! LAURA! Before its too late, you have to stop it.
Dont listen to her! She doesnt know whats right for you, she
doesnt understand you. Nobody truly knows you except me. I know
how you feel, so stay. This is your life, make your own choices, and by
your own, I mean mine!
Codys fingers brush the hem of my shirt. One of his hands slips up. His breath intakes
sharply when his fingers touch the flesh of my back. I cant think. I cant cant grasp reality.
Hands, hands, all I can think of are his hands!
The front door opens and we freeze. I roll off him and he runs to the top of the stairs and
calls down.
Yo?
Fuck you bitch! a girl calls back up. Cody dismisses the person with a wave of his
hand, and walks back into the room.
Well, who is it? I whisper feeling very nervous. His mother and my mother are best
friends, and Im positive theyve arranged our marriagesome sick Jane Austen crap, if you
understand me. But I dont want them to find out all their dreams came true by walking in on us
making out.
Just my sister, so if youd like to continue where we left off
Nope. Im going home right now! If I stay here any longer I might lose something I
cant get back: my dignity.
Or something that rhymes with dignity
I move off the bed towards the door, but Cody blocks my way.
Come on Laura, its only seven thirty. Just a little longer, please. We can just talk and sit
next to each other. I promise I wont even kiss you, unless you ask. He steps in close to me and
puts his hands on my waist.
Thats it! Im outta here. I slam past him and fly down the stairs. I need fresh air to
clear my head.
Laura! Wait. Dont go. We should spend time together. he calls after me. I glance back
once I reach the bottom of the stairs; hes barely four feet behind me. Damn hes fast. You
know, so we can bond and shit like that. He jumps the last few steps and lands in front of me,
blocking the door.
Laura, please stay for a little while longer. Im begging you. I really want you to stay.
Come on, just for a little while longer. If you go Ill Ill kill myself!
Do I look stupid? No, seriously. Move Cody.
And if I dont? I glare at him. Does he really want to mess with me any more than he
already has? He stands there and just looks at me. Laura, you have to stay. I want you to stay
NO! I need you to stay. Laura, I cant just let you walk away. Ha. He rhymed.
This is a fucking serious situation Laura. YOU GOTTA KEEP
YOUR HEAD IN THE GAME. And get back up to his bedroom. RIGHT
NOW.
Move Cody, I say trying to keep my temper in check. I dont want to go ape shit in his
house. Although, maybe I could stay
Yes!
No, thats a bad idea. Leaving is definitely the best idea Ive had in a while, a very long
while.
DAMN.
A girl walks into the foyer. Im assuming his older sister. She probably saw, or heard, the
whole thing. Hey fuckface, are you trying to scare the poor thing? You look like youre going to
fucking rape her. She walks up and pushes Cody out of the way.
He flips her off. Oh fuck me, she says. Cody backs away. Thats right my little bitch.
She turns towards me and smiles. Im Angela, she sticks out her hand; the other one has a
dildo in it.
Hi Im Laura. I shake her hand, staring at the dildo.
HA! Oh dont worry about this, she wiggles it in the air, Im not going to rape anyone.
Im not like Cody. You know I bet you just came here to fuck Cody. I try to shake my head and
scream, NO GOD NO! but she keeps talking. Yeah, I guess going for a little inexperienced
boy, she snickers, for some odd reason, like him would be better then one of those cool guys.
Theyre just STD dispensers, trust me. You know, one of these, she swings the dildo around a
bit, would be way better. You dont have to worry about getting a disease, and you can make it
do whatever you want. Besides, you wont have to worry about it being small, like Cody.
How would you even know, you sicko? he yells.
Hey! What am I supposed to think? About a week after you bring a girl up to your room
the relationship is over. Theres only one thing that would answer my questions about that. TINY
PENIS!
I stare at Cody. Other girls have been in your room? He looks around helplessly Well
this is nice. God, I sure do feel dirty.
His sister laughs. OMD! You didnt know. Wow, Cody Im really sorry. I didnt
entirely mean to fuck this up before you could. I better leave.
Wait! I exclaim. Before you go I have two questions. She nods. First, what does
omd mean?
Oh my devil: I dont believe in the G word. She shudders. And the next question?
How many girls? She glances at Cody and turns back to me.
Hey I might be a bitch but Im sure as hell not going to fuck this up. Itll be funnier if he
does. She walks up the stairs and stops at the top, waiting for the fight.
Listen Laura Cody says.
How many Cody? He shifts nervously.
Laurareallyitisnotwhatyouthink, he spits out quickly before I can cut him off.
HOW MANY!
Three. Disgusting. I wrench open his front door. But Laura! Listen its nothing. They
were just some girls. Besides, you dont know them!
Of course she wont: theyre older, his sister says.
WHAT? OLDER GIRLS? His composure quickly changes from apologetic to angry.
Yeah so what? They were all before you and you dont even know them so what does it
matter? I didnt even sleep with them.
Not all of them, Angela adds. The shock crashes through me. He isnt a virgin. Cody,
the boy I just made out with, isnt a virgin. I think Im going to be sick.
Sick with rage! That stupid cock sucker ball monkey ass fucker! I HATE HIM!
I step out of the house.
LAURA! he calls after me as I walk down the driveway.
Have a fucking fantastic night! Angela yells.
I dont turn around. I just keep walking

Chapter 8

Nothing Extraordinary
Just another week of my life

I spend the rest of my week working on my American Society project and studying my
lines for Romeo and Juliet. I refuse to talk to Cody or Warren. I dont want to, and I dont have
to. Ignoring them will just save me a lot of trouble later on.
My life has been an emotional roller coaster, and all I really want to do is crash Friday
night until Sunday. But of course I cant.
My mother has decided to throw a Tupperware party, yippee. And my attendance is
mandatory, while my siblings and father were forced out because theyre more of a nuisance
than a help.
To which I said, But mom, I can be a nuisance too.
Laura, she replied, if you want me to keep buying cookies, youll do what youre
told. So I shut up real quick. When sweets are at stake, I can be good.
I can be really good.
My mother drags me into the kitchen around four thirty. Make something, she orders
before leaving. Oh crap. I know Im in cooking, but that does not make me a cook. Trust me,
Ive ruined way too many dishes.
She walks back in five minutes later and gawks at me. What are you doing?
Well you told me to make something so I did. I take another spoonful of my cereal.
I meant for the party! I stare at my bowl. Come on, Im trying my best. Gosh. She
wasnt the only one with a hectic week. She cant expect me to be on my A game.
Well sorry! I was hungry. I finish up my cereal and pull out a cookbook. My mother
smacks her palm on her forehead.
Now what are you making?
Cookies. My specialty kind of the one thing I dont horribly screw up. Except for
that one time.
Salt and sugar look remarkably alike.
Eh not really.
She blinks a couple times. Oh okay. She mumbles, That boy she marries is going to be
in for one heck of a ride, as she leaves the room. Husband? HA. Like Im going to let myself
get tied down by some man.

At six thirty the guests start arriving. Im officially off cooking duty and am now
graciously greeting everyone. Say hello and offer to take their coats so theyll think Im polite
and a good daughter raised well by a wonderful mother.
Everything is going fine. Almost all the guests are accounted for, and then the doorbell
rings again. No big deal. I open it, wide smile on my face, ready to deliver my lines, when I
come face to face with the Hardings. My cheeks burn and I cant remember what to say. He-
hello Mr. and Mrs. Harding, I address them in opposite order. Great. I mean Mr., I face the
father, and Mrs., I say facing the mother. How are you doing tonight?
Wonderful, Laura, Mrs. Harding says.
May I take your coats? They pass them over and theyre heavy. What is this, real fur?
ANIMAL KILLERS. The English have no taste.
I put the coats in my bedroom and hurry back downstairs just as the bell rings.
So I open it, and lo and behold, Mrs. Mueller is standing there. Hello! I say cheerfully.
I really do like her; shes always so sweet. Come on in! Cody follows herto my dismay. His
cheeks are pink from the cold. He flashes me a smile, like a smile could erase the damage.
I turn to Mrs. Mueller. Will the Mister be joining us for the party? I ask trying to act as
if I didnt see Cody.
She shakes her head. Unfortunately, he came down with a cold. Im beginning to
wonder about him. Every time theres somewhere to go, hes sick.
Well you know how guys are, I shoot Cody a look. Theyre just selfish. She laughs.
May I take your coat?
Why thank you. And, your mother wont mind my bringing Cody? Hes grounded after
that little incident, so I didnt want to leave him home alone.
I think itll be fine, I say taking hers and Codys coat. Fine with my mother, not fine
with me. Tonight is definitely going to be bad.

After the last few stragglers arrive, my mother comes up to me.
Laura, go get the plate of finger cookies from the table and serve them.
What? Mom, Im not some waitress!
Honey, dont be ridiculous, no respectable waitress would dress like you. She eyes my
clothes suspiciously. Just, go around and pass them out. Okay.
Fine. But I wont enjoy it.
I dont care if you enjoy it or not. Just do it.
I stomp into the kitchen. So unfair, I growl under my breath. Theres really no reason
for me to be here. My mother can do just fine without me.
She probably could. I jump backwards. Theres a creeper in my kitchen!
Oh, no. Its just Cody.
Shut up, Cody. I dont need your commentary. I dont need you here, in fact. Maybe
you should just LEAVE.
Hey, Im just agreeing with you. She probably wouldnt even realize you were gone if
you happened to slip out for a few minutes his eyes glance at the door to the basement.
Very funny, Cody. I grab the plate and walk out of the room. What a pig.

I slink back into the kitchen a little while later. My plate is empty and my mother
technically never said if I had to refill it
I drop the plate on the counter and turn to dart upstairs when I come face to face with a
girl about my age. Holy crap, shes beautiful in that I want to look like her sort of beauty. She
isnt wearing any makeup, yet her features are so striking and perfect. She has rosy cheeks,
beautiful blue eyes, a cute button nose, and perfect acne free skin. Her sleek red hair cuts off
right at the shoulders framing her face.
I think Im in love.
With a girl? EW.
Excuse me! I apologize, stepping backwards. I didnt see you there.
Its really my fault, she says. I shouldnt have been sneaking into the kitchen. I just
cant stand this party.
I laugh. Well, that makes two of us. My mom, the hostess, wont let me leave.
Lydia, my step-mother, made me come. Some shit about her making new friends and me
meeting people in the neighborhood whatever... Im Kathleen Ontario, by the way.
Im Laura Mae. We smile at each other. Perhaps this is the beginning of a new
friendship!
I think, she says, I better get back to the party. And she leaves the room.
Hm I guess not.

My mother and I wave as the last guest drives away. She closes the door and sighs. I
smile at her, I thought it went well.
She responds with a weak smile. It did go well; Im just tired. Your father and the kids
will be coming home any minute now so we should start cleaning up.
OH COME ON. I was on prep duty, and now Im on cleaning duty?
This cant be fair.
I think child labor laws prohibit this kind of shit.
I think its sweet that Laura would help her mother. Shes a dutiful and
respectful daughter.

I sleep till ten o clock Saturday morning. I manage to stumble down the stairs and eat
breakfast. For some reason I spent all night crying. Must be getting my period soon.
I lean my head on my hand. Im exhausted. Avoiding Cody last night really wore me out.
The rest of this weekend is just going to be me sleeping and eating.
Honey, my Mom says, I need you to go to the grocery store with Mirranda.
Or not.

I havent really talked to my sister in a while even though we share a bedroom. We use to
be closer when we were younger but shes two years older than me and eventually two years
became too large of a gap. So, as I sit in the car with her, in the eerie silence, I wonder if two
years is still a lot now.
I glance over at her. Her hair flows down to her to her waist. Its naturally blonde, but she
dies it black. She really does have a beautiful face and dazzling brown eyes. Mirranda is quite
stunning but she covers it all up with layers of mascara, eyeliner, and freaky lipstick. She wears
black all the time and has chains hanging from her pants like some ghetto kid. Her clothes are
always baggy hiding her slim waist. And since the sixth grade she hasnt smiled once.
Mirranda is an emo, or is it Goth? Aw screw it I dont remember.
We walk inside, and she grabs a small cart. I pull out the list. Alright we need two
gallons of milk, four boxes of cereal, spaghetti sauce, a box of spaghetti noodles, two packs of
cookies, one chewy and one rainbow crunch, and detergent that has to be spring floral scent.
Lets get going, she huffs. After a half hour all we have left is the detergent. We enter
the aisle. What scent did Mom say she wanted?
I glance at the list. Spring floral. We both stare. Dear lord, there has to be a million
types of detergent in this store alone. I guess we should start looking. She huffs in agreement.
Im in the middle of my search when I feel a tap on my shoulder. Startled, I turn and see
Kyle standing there. Oh hi Kyle What the heck?
He grins, and its obviously fake. That bastard knows what he was doing, toying with
Kaity but getting action from Emily. Pig. Hi Laura. I wanted to talk to you about Kaity. He
scuffs his foot against the ground.
Listen, boy, Im not going to mess you up right there, cuz I got some class, apparently
not, but if you try to get back with Kaity, I will kick your ass raw. My sister nods her head in
approval from across the aisle.
Laura, I just want to talk. Ill even help you find what youre looking for. I sigh. If he
helps, I really cant turn him down. It would be rude.
Alright. Look for the spring floral scent.
Okay. He starts searching. Listen, I know Im trying to act all tough, but Im a softy at
heart. Truth is I love
Hey sexy lady, I hear a familiar voice say. I turn, and yep, Derek is trying to chat up
my sister. You want to come over to my place tonight? Ill pop in a romantic movie and you can
pop out of those clothes. Holy crap, thats an awful line.
She stares at him. A bit forward, dont you think? Mirranda continues to look for the
detergent, barely giving Derek any attention at all.
Baby please. You know you want me just as much as I want you. Ive got an unopened
bottle of whip cream, and you could be my cherry on top.
She smiles at him. Hm. Tempting, but Ill pass. I dont think my boyfriend wouldnt be
too happy.
Baby, he says, rubbing his finger up her arm, another man never stopped me before.
I think he will. Derek raises an eyebrow. Im dating Preston McCool.
WHAT? That bastard is stealing more of my women! Ill go underworld on his faggot
ass.
I turn back to Kyle. You were saying? Hes still staring off in the direction of Derek.
Oh yeah never mind. He walks away. I lean against the shelves and sigh. Should I
tell Kaity about this? Should I tell her about Emily and Kyle? No, I just wont say anything. You
know what they say: ignorance is bliss.
Therefore, the ignorance route I shall take.
SHALL? WHAT THE HELL LAURA. SPEAK ENGLISH.
I walk over to Mirranda. Did you find it yet? She shakes her head still reading labels.
Im beginning to think it doesnt exist. I laugh. She glances at me, confused. I guess
that wasnt a joke awkward
I turn away. Better start looking again. A cough behind me interrupts my search.
Probably Kyle again oh. Actually, its Cody.
Hello, Cody. I say curtly. What brings you here today?
Just catching up on my shopping, you know the usual crap. He rings his hands
nervously. Listen Laura, theres something I need to tell you. I nod for him to go on. He takes
a deep breath. Look Im not trying to get you mad, and Im not making this up. I just saw
Warren flirting with some other girl at the mall. It was some serious action. I swear Laura. I
wouldnt lie about this.
But youd lie about other girls being in your bedroom.
He groans. Please believe me, he clasps his hands and pleads. Laura, I never wanted
to hurt you. I dont want to hurt you know, but you have to know. If I didnt feel it was my duty
to tell you
Youre duty? Oh come on, you shit. You just want to get back on my good side! I cant
stand you sometimes. I cross my arms and stand there defiantly. Well, Im not dating Warren
anymore so it really doesnt matter who he flirts with.
So you want to
NO! What the hell is this kids problem! Lets not. He nods. We look into each
others eyes and suddenly Im gravitating closer, against my will. I need to stay strong. This is
not the time to let my guard down. Next thing you know, Ill be kissing him, and I really dont
want to kiss him not a lot anyways. I am pissed, remember that. Pissed, so pissed, and yet, Im
barely an inch away from his face!
I found it! Mirranda shouts, and for the first time in many years shes smiling.
Wait a second that bitch isnt smiling! Shes smirking at me.
























Chapter 9

Halloween

One morning after breakfast I happen to catch a peek at the calendar. And holy shit, I
cant believe it: tomorrow is Halloween.
Ive spent a lot time lately worrying about my American Society project, my presentation
is after the weekend. Cody hasnt really helped me prepare. All he does is whisper dirty
comments to me and hover far too close for comfort.
Play practice has also taken a lot of my time up, especially memorizing lines. Cody is no
help with that either. For him, it comes so easy. That bastard! In two minutes he can have half a
scene down and Im still struggling on the first line.
During his free time, he is determined on getting under my shirt. He makes me sick and I
turn him on. Its so infuriating. I just want to scream at him and rip his clothes off OH GOSH
DARN IT!
But thats only my Cody problems. Meanwhile, Warren and I have been hanging out,
when hes not with Kathleen Ontario that is. She turned out to be the biggest bitch in the world.
She took a quick liking to him and everyone can see it except him. Ive taken to teasing him
about it.
He, however, claims to have no interest in her at all. Which I find weird because even my
subconscious is attracted to her.
Damn straight, even if she is a bitch.
I barely have time to focus on schoolwork, much less be on top of some made up holiday.
Still, I cant believe I could forget Halloween. I mean sure, Halloween is kind of for little
kids, but its still the best made up holiday, well second to Christmas.
LAURA MAE! What are you implying?
That religion is some magic voodoo. AW YEAH. I totally agree with
that statement. Youve found the light wait, thats not right the
darkness. Youve found the darkness.
You need to back off. Laura has not found the darkness nor will she
ever! She is righteous and pure of heart. And one day, mark my words, she will
dispel you from her thoughts and join me in the Promised Land.
NOT IF I HAVE A SAY IN IT.
Thats just the thing: YOU WONT.
Both of you just shut THE HELL UP!
LIKE LAURA! Emily calls out running to me. Wow, Im already her house? Weird.
Laura! Like guess what Im like wearing to like go trick-or-treating in!
A slut costume. You know, because shes seeing Kyle behind Kaitys back? What? I
thought the joke was pretty good, but whatever.
Like a kitty outfit! She playfully scratches the air. Like meow Is she serious? What
do her parents think? Oh I can see her dad now, yelling his head off and punching some pillows.
Bet hes sorry he ever wished for a girl.
Emily, I say faking enthusiasm. thats just great. What am I supposed to say? Hey
Emily, thats the dumbest, sluttiest, most clich idea youve ever had! No, that would not go over
well. I dont want to piss her off again. Shes the only reason Ive made it through the past week.
She smiles brightly at me. See I like knew youd like love the idea! Everyone else like
said that I was like too young. Like screw them, I dont like care what they like think. Your
opinion is like the only one that like matters to me!
Aw Emily! I lean in and hug her. Definitely will never tell her what I really think of
this.

Im gonna kick his ass! That mofo dont know who hes messing with! Ill fuck up his
face so much nobody will recognize that cock sucker. Im at my locker, after lunch, grabbing
the crap I need for the rest of the day. And it just happens that Derek Mecan is at his locker
talking shit with Kevin and Jesika.
Wait, Dereks locker is just a few feet away from mine?
Well, Mae and Mecan are rather close in the alphabet.
HOW HAVE I NEVER NOTICED THIS BEFORE?
Damn Derek! Youre FUCKING PISSED! Kevin screams, for effect most likely.
Another man trying to steal your woman again? He punches the air, obviously caught up in the
moment if there is a moment to get caught in.
HELL NAW! After what I did to that pussy Alex Stripper, no bitch would mess with my
girl if I had one right now This time its one of those fucking Euro trash English bitches
trying to screw with one of our crews girls. Pip, better watch out. Holy crap, theyre talking
about Warren and Kathleen! But why? Kathleen is such a bitch; I cant see anyone of them going
for her.

After school I run out frantically searching for Warren. I spot him standing by Kathleen.
Great, thats just what I need. The girl hates me. Shes just angry that Warren and I are better
friends. Ha ha ha, ha ha ha, I win!
Kick her ass, kick her ass! Come on it will be priceless!
Laura, watch out. You know how jealous girls are. She might be one of
those types.
Oh she is. I run to Warren, calling out his name. He looks around and sees me.
Laura! he exclaims when I finally reach him. Whats the matter? Hes probably just
alarmed that Im running. To be honest, so am I. Jesus, running takes a lot of work.
Warren, I pant. Why, oh why did I run all the way from the third floor? That was not a
smart idea. Warren Derek is going is going BREATHE!
What Laura? His hands are on my shoulders trying to steady me. Kathleen glares.
Jealous? Not my fault Warren loves me and not you! Ha ha ha ouch. Cramp in my side, cramp
in my side.
Derek breathe! is going breathe! to try oh god, damn that cramp, to kick
your ass. And knowing him breathe! hell jump you with five other guys. And what do you
know. Right behind Warren, Derek saunters up with his crew, which consists of five people
including him. Kyle and Kevin look like hired mercenaries you see in the movies, walking up
with scowls plastered on their faces, arms crossed against their chests. Cody looks pissed, yelling
at Derek, You fucking bitch! I told you that in confidence! And Jesika who is here also well
it doesnt matter what Jesika looks like because she always looks ugly.
In your opinion.
GOD DAMN RIGHT, IN MY OPINION.
The only thing that stumps me about their groupand always willis that Jesika is in it.
Their crew had started off as an all guy thing. There was only one reason they would accept her
in: one of them liked her. But it doesnt seem like they do. And, quite frankly, she doesnt seem
like the type to like boys. OH SNAP!
Derek walks right up to Warren and backhands him. I learned that in France, bitch.
Wait a second wait a holy bologna second
Im getting real tired of your shit talk.
Hee hee. Holy bologna.
Theyre not fighting for Kathleen! Theyre fighting for me! But how did Derek know
about the France thing?
The only person I told was Kaity. KAITY!
I whip out my cell phone and quickly dial her number, completely ignoring the screaming
match between Derek and Warren. Hello? she answers.
Kaity, did you tell Cody about my date with Warren? She breathes heavily on the other
side. KAITY! Tell me now or Ill never ever speak to you again!
Laura, wouldnt you have done the same to me? I sigh. Of course I would have. I cant
keep a secret for my life.
Yes, I admit.
Well there you go. Something rustles from her side of the phone.
Come on Kaity, somebody with a really deep voice says; clearly it is a man.
Laura, I got to go
Oho! I dont think so! Did you ditch school today just to hang out with a boy? Im very
intrigued.
Yes.
Come on! Tell me! How come Kaity and Emily never tell me about their significant
others? Its not like I would freak out over it.
Or well maybe.
Laura, you really dont want to know who it is.
Now I have to know. Im waiting
She sighs. Its Ryan.
Ryan? My twenty-year-old brother Ryan? My sophomore in college brother Ryan?
Ryan, my immature, retarded, completely disgusting brother Ryan? OH GOD. WHAT THE
FUCK? EEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWW!
Yes.
Hes in town?
No, Im visiting him.
FOR WHAT PURPOSE?
I Laura, do you really have to ask that?
CLEARLY OR I WOULD NOT HAVE ASKED. Then again, what is she trying to say
to me? I feel theres a subtle innuendo in there.
Shes going to fuck him.
Laura? she says tentatively.
EEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWW, I scream into the phone. You whore!
I shut the phone in disgust and hold back my lunch that so desperately wants to paint the
ground. GROSS! I shriek. EW! My brother and my best friend? NO. NO. NO.
Thats a crime against nature! Arent they honorary siblings because of me or something
like that? This cant be happening.
Isnt she jailbait?
HOLLA AT THAT BITCH!
Two hands lightly touch my shoulder. Its Kyle.
Come on, he says, his eyes a bit misty. Ill take you home.

Halloween is here, and Im sitting on my bed waiting for Emily. Shes supposed to show
up soon so we can go to some party. Im not really in the mood, but she said it would be a good
thing. She was also pretty excited; apparently she picked out the perfect costume for me. Im
going to like love it. I hope it isnt a matching kitty outfit. Ill kill myself if it is. I really will.
The doorbell rings and my Mom calls me down. Emily and Joe are waiting. Hey guys,
come up to my room.
Emily is already wearing her kitty outfit and it actually reveals less than I thought it
would. A little cleavage is showing, but thats about it. She looks really good in it, especially
with her cat mask on. Joe is wearing a Dr. Seuss, Cat in the Hat outfit.
I smile. Youre matching! She laughs.
Like yes! But dont you like worry. Your outfit is like totally original. I would have
worn it but like my dad would have like killed me. Thats not a good sign.
She hands me a bag. Just like go try it on. Thats all Im like asking.
Okay. I step into the bathroom and pull it out. The colors are very woodsy: browns and
greens. I unfold it and suck in my breath. I recognize it from some of the fantasy movies my dad
watches, and I can see the name on the bag. Its an elven ranger costume, complete with
attachable pointy ears.
Well what do you think? I ask as I step back into the room. I, personally, am not so
sure. But Emily squeals in glee and Joe just says, Wow. This is uncomfortable and definitely
not something I would pick out for myself.
The green boots remind me too much of slut pumps and the designs on the sides are
weird. My shorts are basically nonexistent; I can feel a breeze. My shirt has a low v-neck,
showing as much as Emilys outfit. My only solace is that the brown cloak shields my backside.
And a really awesome hood! Mwahaha.
Emily, can you see my butt? I ask turning around.
No. It just like feels like that because its like so tight to your skin. Your butt like fills it
out nicely. She slaps my ass. Well, thats not awkward.
But theres a breeze, I hiss.
Oh Laura, thats because youre like standing right next to like a vent. Huh. For once
she is right.
I hold out my bow and arrows skeptically. Do I really need these?
Yes, Joe answers, Its a necessity for the outfit. Rangers are protectors of the land.
They specialize in archery. Their precision is remarkable and their skill is Im just going to
stop.
Good idea, I say to him, Well guys, Happy Halloween.
Emily claps her hands and jumps up and down in delight.

At nine o clock we decide to leave for the party. Emily had insisted on being fashionably
late. The party isnt too far from my house, so we walk instead of taking a car, and none of us
can actually drive yet. About halfway there, I hear loud voices behind me. I turn, and its Derek
and some of his friends. Jesika is in a wicked witch of the west outfit and Derek is in a Glinda
outfit. Kevin is dressed as Michael Jackson, before he turned white. Cody is dressed up as a
torturer.
Hey Emily, lets go down this street, I say quickly trying to lead her away.
But the party is down that street, she points the way Cody is going. Im definitely not
going that way.
Yes, but this is the scenic route.
Actually Laura, Joe says, that is a dead end. It would be a waste of our time to go
down that street. I nod my head towards Derek. Dereks an alpha male and Joe isnt. I dont
know if theyve ever met, but Im pretty sure they wouldnt get along.
Joes eyes widen in understanding. Actually, Emily lets take the scenic route, he says.
Emily laughs. Oh Laura, youre just like trying to avoid Cody. OH LIKE CODY! She
calls out in a singsong voice. He turns towards her. LIKE CODY! she waves him over. He
leans over and speaks to Derek, who nods. Cody walk over to us.
Hey Emily, Joe Laura. His gaze lingers longer on me than the other two.
Cody, you like naughty boy, Emily says looking at his outfit, I didnt like know you
were like into that machisist stuff.
Masochism, I correct her.
Emily grabs his whip. Uh-oh Laura, youd like better watch out. Cody might beat you
for like being such a misheevous girl. Mischievous, Emily. Dear lord, did your mother drop you
on your head as a child? Something smacks my butt. I jump and squeak in embarrassment. Emily
giggles as she hands the whip back to Cody who laughs.
I hate him.
But I cant help but love him in this outfit! His black shirt clings tightly to his skin,
showing off his six-pack. I gulp back some air. He holds his whip tightly in his hand, stroking it
every so often.
Wait a second, that doesnt sound right.
Would you like to take a walk with me Laura? Cody asks.
She would not like to take a walk with you! She still has some dignity
and respect!
Walk with that boy, talk with that boy, and DO MORE WITH
THAT BOY.
That wasnt very explicit.
I was trying to tone it down. Be a little more kid friendly.
OH LAURA! Emily screeches. Go on with him. I shake my head. I havent told her
about his lost virginity. I dont think it is right letting him be the talk of the school and getting all
the whores. The possibility of him getting herpes is tempting, but Im not that cruel.
Go on, she says slapping my ass. My whole body stiffens. What the hell is wrong with
Emily today? Cody raises an eyebrow, and Joe frowns.
See you two at the party, I mumble to Emily and Joe.
See ya! Emily and Joe walk faster and ahead of us. Cody looks me up and down. His
gaze feels inappropriate.
Nice costume.
Shut it. We walk in silence for a while. I have absolutely nothing to say to him. Hes
not worth the energy.
Finally, he breaks the silence. Laura, I just wanted to say how sorry I am. I would have
told you about the other girls but you never asked and I was afraid of exactly this happening.
You have to believe me.
When hell freezes over. He sighs, frustrated.
I look at him in the moonlight. How can I blame him? All teenage boys want to lose their
virginity. I cant hold this against him, can I? If I was a teenage boy, wouldnt I have done the
same? Did you feel that? I think the temperature just dropped a couple degrees, I say. He
smiles at me.
But Kaity: still fucking pissed at her. Sleeping with my brother? Vomit.
Really? he asks. I nod. BEAUTIFUL! He screams. Oh Laura. He grabs me and
pulls me into his arms. After a second he lets go and looks into my eyes. Laura, does this mean
youre choosing me?
My heart stops in my chest. This was not what I was expecting. Cody, I cant choose
either of you.
Well this isnt the best moment, but itll do, he says. He leans in and places his lips on
mine.
I pull back in surprise.
This isnt right. I cant just lead you on and kiss you when Im not dating you. Its just
wrong and unfair for you.
I dont care.
Really? Is he serious? This just doesnt seem right
Yeah, he gives me a quick kiss, youll choose me in the end.
Oh. Yeah, sure I will.

Trade ya, I say to Emily. She eyes my candy suspiciously.
Like alright. We trade and gobble down the candy. Were sitting on a couch in Kyles
basement. It turns out it is his Halloween party we were invited to. Like how long can you stay
out for? Emily asks between mouthfuls.
My mom said to call her at twelve to let her know where I am. Were still sleeping at
your house right? Emily nods. Cool, what time do you have to be at home?
She shrugs. My parents arent like home. They went like to some like sexy hotel to
like well like you know.
We continue to eat candy and chit chat. Im going to get so fat from this.
Something crashes upstairs.
Ten bucks says one of Alex Strippers girlfriends found out about the other one. I say.
Like not. Ten bucks that Joey kid like tried to like start another fight. We stare at each
other.
Youre on. We grab all our candy and run upstairs only to find Derek and Warren
duking it out.
Guess were like both wrong, she pouts.
Yeah, I guess so. Derek is at a clear disadvantage in his costume: its tough to fight in a
dress. Although Warren isnt fairing much better in his suit of armor. God only knows where he
got it.
The room is full of screaming and cheering: girls scream for them to stop, guys cheer
them on. Emily and I trade candy. Frankly, Im over the whole fighting thing. At least once a
week Derek beats some poor guys ass.
I should probably care because I did technically date Warren, but hes got Kathleen to
worry about him, so I dont need to.
I glance up from my candy pile. Both Derek and Warren raise their fists but halfway in
the air they collide. A deafening crack rings out. The force sends Derek and Warren reeling
backwards. Derek cusses loudly. Kathleen runs to Warrens side, then ushers him out of the
house. Derek is still standing there and screaming, FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!
I run up to Derek and slap him. He stops swearing and the room hushes. Get a hold of
yourself! I scream at him. I grab his other hand and drag him out of the house. Cody, Emily,
and Kyle follow. More correctly: Cody and Emily follow while Kyle waddles behind in his
refrigerator box costume. Seriously though: a refrigerator box? How lame.
I half-drag Derek to his car. Get in.
But
Get in the God damn car! he jumps in mumbling some shit about a fucking crazy bitch
on the rag. I turn towards Emily. Have Joe take you home, Ill probably be at the hospital a
while.
Like okay Laura. She runs back inside calling out Joes name.
Kyle, you stay here, he starts to protest. No, you have to stay to watch your house.
Cody, get in the back seat.
Shouldnt I drive? You dont have a license!
JUST GET IN THE GOD DAMN BACK SEAT! THERES NO TIME FOR US TO
ARGUE! I jump in the drivers seat and pull out of the driveway, Derek already put the keys in
the ignition. I slam down the accelerator, reaching eighty miles per hour in barely ten seconds.
Oh crap, theres a sharp turn ahead.
Laura, slow down! Cody screams, next to me Derek hoots and hollers.
Dear God, forget about the geometry test on Monday, I dont need an A! Just please let
me get out of this alive.
I take the curve at sixty-five, spinning the steering wheel at an alarming speed. The car
pops up on two wheels. My heart beats against my chest. Tears are pooling in my eyes.
The car slams back onto level ground, squealing as tires grip the asphalt.
I didnt die.
HOLY CRAP! I didnt die!
Cody and Derek scream in relief. I join in. We survived! Its a miracle.
But our celebration stops short. Kathleen and Warren are ahead of us in their car. I slow
down, matching my speed with theirs and pull up next to them. She glances over and stares at
me.
Freaking bitch, I mutter. Oh, what I would give to smash her face into the pavement.
Do it! Derek orders. Ram her car!
What! Are you crazy? Shell call the cops on us!
Who cares? I want to see them die! I shake my head in disbelief. This kid is psycho.
But, I do want to mess with her.
I speed up a little and cut her off. Her brakes screech in protest as she slams down on
them. I hit the gas and make a run for it.

We arrive at the hospital ten minutes later; usually it takes a half hour.
I rush Derek in. HELP! I scream. Some people swarm in, probably interns. Forget you
guys! I scream. Get me the resident! Ive learned a lot from the television.
A doctor runs up. What is it? I gesture to Derek. His lip is cut open and hand is
swelling. Oh dear. Gregory, some intern runs up, page Dr. Neton.
Cody runs up from behind us. Dude I called your parents. Theyre on the way, he tells
Derek.
Derek pleads with the doctor, Fuck. Doc you gotta fucking fix this! My mom will kill
me if Im a cripple! PLEASE! I dont want to be a fucking cripple! No fucking cripple! NO
FUCKING CRIPPLE!
Another doctor runs up and starts talking with the one already there.
The original doctor addresses the new one. Looks like he got in a bar fight. We should
get some x-rays on that hand.
I hate Halloween, the second doctor sighs.
They put Derek on a gurney and roll him away. I can still hear him screaming, NO
FUCKING CRIPPLE!
Cody drags me to the side, out of everyones way. Dereks hand looked pretty bad.
I wonder how Warrens hand looks Speak of the devil, Kathleen and Warren enter
the E.R. One of the interns looks at them and grabs a phone.
Dr. Neton, the other person in the bar fight just walked in.
Cody laughs then turns to me. Would you like to go outside and get some fresh air? I
smile, and he takes my hand in his.
Once outside Cody says to me, Laura, I need to talk to you about something. I nod.
Cody takes a couple deep breaths. Come with me. He leads me over to Dereks car.
Fine. I sit in the car with him.
Silence ensues.
What do you think hes planning?
Probably something despicable: you should leave right now before he tries
anything.
Might as well wait it out, just to see.
Cody
Laura, shh. He puts his finger to my lips. Please excuse what Im about to do. Oh
god, hes trying to kiss me again. I turn away.
Uh no.
But
No. No. No. No. Im not some whore that will do things without a promise of
commitment.
He doesnt even hesitate. Will you go out with me?
Damn it. I thought that would stop him. No. I need a good excuse. I I still have
feelings for Warren.
He settles back into his seat and slams his fists on the steering wheel out of frustration.
Fine Ill take you back to the party.
Oh thank god.
Wait. What about Derek? We cant just leave him.
Do you really want to be here when his parents show up?
Right. Lets go.

























Chapter 10

Oh, Boy

Monday.
Its Monday. You know what that means? Come on people, a special prize for the right
answer! Its not that hard! You probably know it! Just shout it out!
Whats that I hear? Did someone say American Society presentation? Congratulations!
You just won the prize!
Yippee.

Take deep breaths, Laura, and try not to hyperventilate. Okay? You dont want to
embarrass yourself in front of everyone do you? No, of course not.
I stare into the eyes of my classmates. They stare back. A staring contest, eh? Well, I can
win this!
Ahem. Ms. Kelleher clears her throat. Right, project. I clear my head and look at Cody.
He nods at me to start.
Good afternoon class! I smile brightly. No response. Okay. Today, Cody and I will be
presenting on George Washingtons Farewell Address, his reasons behind it, its implications, and
its effect on America.
I glance over at Cody; its his turn to speak. He just stares at me. Cool, no big deal. I
smile wide at him. He keeps staring.
Come on you lazy mother fucka! SPEAK ALREADY!
Maybe hes just nervous?
Or maybe he doesnt even know what this project is about! Alright class I can do
this. I can do this. Lets start with Washingtons reasoning.

I storm out of the classroom. Cody hadnt said a word the whole time we presented. Im
going to kill him. He is going to die. I will keep him alive for days as I rip each of his limbs off
slowly. It will be gruesome. It will be dirty. But I will enjoy it. It will make me happier than Ive
ever been before.
Yeehaw.
As soon as Cody walks out, I start screaming at him. What the hell was that back there?
You just left me hanging! You think thats funny? You think it makes you cute? You are so
lucky I dont go and tell Ms. Kelleher how much work you really did.
Oh no, please dont Laura, he pleads. Its just I have bad stage fright.
Youve got to be kidding me. Hes kidding, right?
He shakes his head no.
Aw shit. But were in the play. Were going to perform Romeo and Juliet in a few
weeks and youre telling me that you get stage fright!
Well yes.
I cant take this. Seriously, Im leaving.

Im at home, hiding out in the garage. My younger brothers and sisters are on a rampage.
Theyve decided to cover the whole first floor with homemade blanket and pillow tents and
attack each other.
So, Im avoiding them.
The garage isnt all bad, and it gives me some alone time to refine my acting. The play is
in two weeks. I need to be primed and ready for it. I cant let Cody outshine me.
Speaking of Cody, Ive decided to help him with his stage fright. He should be coming
over in a few minutes.
The door into the house opens and my little sister Emily pokes her head in. Laura the
doorbell rang.
Dont worry; Ill get it. I pull open the garage and peek around the corner. Sure
enough, its Cody. Well, well, look what the cat dragged in, I tease. He smiles. Come on in.
Once inside the garage he asks, How do you plan on curing my stage fright?
Practice. If you practice enough it should help. At least, thats what I read online. It
should work.
Are you sure?
Im positive. Positive-ish.

An hour later, I decide to take a break. I need it. Not from him, but for myself. I can
barely remember my lines, and yet, he delivers them perfectly. Why did I ever agree to do this
stupid play?
I sit down on my fathers work bench. Cody joins me. Youre doing great, I tell him.
Thanks, he mumbles.
Whats the matter?
I feel I feel bad.
Feel bad? About what? Youre doing wonderful! Im not lying to you. If anyone messes
up, it will be me.
No, its not about the play. Its about something I did.
Cody, forget about that thing you did. It doesnt matter, I told you that.
It isnt that either. Laura, I please dont be mad at me. Its just; I dont really have
stage fright.
Hot damn.
Lying is a sin!
WHAT?
I thought that if I pretended to have stage fright we would spend more time together and
then youd fall for me and wed end up together. But, I realize how wrong it is. I shouldnt have
lied to you.
Uh, yeah you shouldnt have! Get out! Get out right now, or so help me god I will
drive a nail through your skull! This is a garage; there are nails and hammers ITS
PLAUSIBLE!
Laura, just wait a second. You dont really mean that!
The hell I do. I twist around and grab the tool box.
Cody jumps off the bench. Ill be seeing you tomorrow. And he runs out and down the
street.
That sneaky little bitch! Haha. Gotta love it.
Im offended! How dare he lie to Laura? Doesnt he know thats not the
way to a womans heart?
I cant believe I fell for that! I have got to be the biggest idiot on the face of the earth! I
should have known he doesnt have stage fright.
No one blames you Laura. You thought he was telling the truth, you gave
him more credit than he deserves. At least, youll never make the same mistake
again.
Back off, hoe. Listen, Laura. Were going to get this little mofo
back for the stunt he pulled today. See, heres what were going to do.
While hes sleeping
No. I think Ill pass. Im going to bed. Screw this shit.

Play time.
Yes, that night has arrived when I will play Juliet, a star crossed lover, doomed to die.
Swoon.
Not.
I stand backstage. My legs are jittering. My arms are shaking. WHAT ARE MY LINES?
I peek out through the side of the curtains. Dear Lord, its a full house. Mothers, Fathers,
teachers, students, friends, enemies, and people I dont know are here. They are going see me,
listen to me, watch my every move, and critique me in their head.
AW FUCK.
The other members of the cast amble around, just as nervous.
Romeo! Juliet! Mercutio! Mrs. Treeabang calls out. Roll call.
And now it begins.
Two households, both alike in dignity, in fair Verona, where we lay our scene, from
ancient grudge break to new mutiny

O, swear not by the moon, the inconstant moon that monthly changes in her circled orb,
lest that thy love prove likewise variable, I recite. Im standing in the rickety tower thats
supposed to be my window.
What shall I swear by? Cody/Romeo asks.
Do not swear at all; or, if thou wilt, swear by the gracious self, which is the god of my
idolatry, and Ill believe thee. Blah blah blah. Why cant Cody just mess up already? That
would be splendid.
If my hearts dear love
Well do not swear: although I joy in thee, I have no joy of this contract to-nigh; it is too
rash, too unadvised, too sudden; Too like the lighting and on and on it goes.

Back stage I watch Cody perform. Hes such a superb actor, even though I hate him. He
makes such a good actor that no. He wouldnt lie to me, would he?
He lied about the stage fright.
Yes, yes. I know that. But, could he lie to me about serious stuff like oh lets say his
feelings for me.
Oh man, Im never going to be able to trust him after this.

After the play, Mrs. Treeabang gathers us around. Cast! she says, My little butterflies,
you were absolutely wonderful out there. Aw shucks. Im so proud of you all. When you
started you were just little ugly caterpillars, but now youve realized your full potential and
spread your beautiful butterfly wings.
Only because weve had the best director, right everyone? Cody says, eliciting a cheer
from us. Which is why we all got you this, someone passes him a huge bouquet of flowers.
Mrs. Treeabang gasps in surprise. My little Romeo! You are too sweet! All of you are
too sweet. Cody sweet? HIGHLY DOUBT THAT. What game is he playing at now?
CAST HUG! he screams. Everyone rushes in around Mrs. Treeabang and him. Im
caught up in the moment and the flood of people pushing me inwards.
Somehow Im stuck in the middle of the group hug. Its really tight and hot. Too many
people around me!
Finally the hug breaks.
Mrs. Treeabang wipes away a few tears. My little butterflies, go home and get some
rest. We have three more shows to rock!
The horror!

My head is pounding.
Oh wait, thats not my head, thats the door. Someone is pounding on my bedroom door.
Laura, Laura, Laura, Laura. Thousands of voices are screaming at me.
Laura, Laura, Laura, Laura. Hm. Nope. Its actually only four: the four little voices of
my siblings.
I roll out of bed and open the door. What is it?
Its Thanksgiving! they scream in pure joy.
No its not. Tomorrow is Thanksgiving. Today is only Wednesday.
They stare at me, crestfallen. But but Em starts crying. But I thought it was
Thanksgiving today! WAAAH! I shudder. Her cries are ear splitting.
Shh, shh. Dont worry. Its not that bad. Besides, today will be a lot of fun too! I kneel
down and give her a big hug. Hey, why dont we go downstairs and have a cookie? Im sure
Mommy wont mind. Yeah, four sugar high kids arent going to bother her at all.
We walk downstairs, and I open the cookie jar and hand one to each of them. Now
remember, nobody tells Mommy or Daddy!
No one tells me what? We turn in fright. My dad stands in the doorway, arms crossed,
staring menacingly.
Uh that Mommy and Daddy are the best people ever! Right guys?
Yeah, Josh agrees.
Of course, Paul seconds.
Alright you kids, my father says smiling. You can hide your secrets, for now. But Ill
find out soon enough. Now, get out of the kitchen before your mother sees you.
I usher them down into the basement. Mirranda is sitting down there watching television.
Lately, shes been acting normal. After Halloween, she and Preston broke up. I caught her crying
the next morning, spoon in one hand, tub of ice cream in the other. Shes been friendlier to me
lately and has started to wear colors again and less makeup.
Hey Mirranda.
Hey.
Josh, Alexandra, Paul, and Em run to the couch and flip to the kids channel. Mirranda
sighs and walks over by me.
Do you know when theyre coming? Our relatives, that is. Were hosting Thanksgiving
this year.
A house full of old people: what a buzz kill.
Um I think Grandma Claire and Grandpa George are coming tomorrow, since they
live so close. Cory and Ryan will be driving in. They should get here around three today. Nancy
is coming around, oh, nine in the morning tomorrow. Says she has a surprise for us.
Probably another boyfriend.
Yeah. Grandma Marianne and Great Aunt Susan will be coming around seven-ish with
Uncle Pete.
I thought Uncle Pete was supposed to come around six.
Well you know Uncle Pete.
What about Aunt Jane, we both shudder. She is a nasty bitch, and I know Im not
supposed to say that about family but its the truth. Nobody likes her.
Hopefully never, but she should be coming tomorrow sometime. We better make the
best out of today because tomorrow is going to be hell with her. I nod. Upstairs the doorbell
rings.
I wonder who that is.
Laura! my mother calls down the stairs. Its Cody! My eyes bugs out. Mirranda looks
at me.
Go on, I shake my head no. Laura, dont be a pussy.
Im not a pussy. Im just a pussy?
Fine, Ill walk upstairs and talk to that loser. Whatever. It doesnt bother me. Who cares
if Im still in pajamas and my hair is messed up. NOT ME!
Hello Cody, I say politely once Im upstairs.
Hello Laura. We stand there awkwardly and my mother coughs. I glare at her.
Oh, Ill go um wash the dishes! She walks out of the room. I bet shes just around
the corner eavesdropping.
So Cody, whyd you come? I tap my foot impatiently. He opens his mouth to say
something but the doorbell rings again. I close my eyes, feeling slightly irritated by the
interruption, but on the other hand glad. I can happily put off the inevitable. Whatever its going
to be.
I open the door and am immediately assaulted by a pair of arms. Who the hell is this?
Suddenly Im dropped and the person calls out Im home! Its Nancy, my nineteen-
year-old sister. She stands in front of me and beams. My mother rushes in and hugs her.
Mirranda stands in the hallway, arms crossed, glaring.
My mother and Nancy start chit chatting but they are cut short by a crash followed by
cries: most likely my younger siblings. Oh dear, my mother says. I better go check up on
them, and then she leaves the front hall, heading into the basement.
Nancy smiles at Mirranda. Good to see you again, sis. Mirranda just stands there.
Nancys smile fades. Whatever, she mumbles. As she looks around the room she finally
notices Cody. Her eyes pop a little. Hey Cody, she says quietly and slowly. He gives her a
weak smile and glances at me.
Oh shit.
What?
This is not good. Do we tell her what we know?
WHAT?
We cant tell her. Shell have to realize it for herself. Its only fair
that she finds out this way. I may be evil, but I cant bear to break her
heart.
Aw thats sweet.
Besides, it will be waaaay funnier if she finds out from someone
else.
Well I hope to see you around sometime Cody, Nancy winks. He mumbles something,
I cant tell what. Nancy skips up the stairs, smiling one last time at Cody.
Deplorable.
Too over the top, even for me, and thats saying something.
Cody turns towards me. Laura, I came here today to
STOP! Mirranda yells. She stomps forwards, inches from Codys face, and points at
him. You have to tell Laura first. He glances from her to me. You have to or I will and that is
a bad idea. He looks at me and sighs.
Alright, Laura, you want to take a walk? I look at Mirranda. She nods. I open the door
and we step out into the brisk November air. Still in pajamas this is not smart. Listen, theres
something I have to tell you. I nod. Remember the girl I had sex
Yes.
Well. I kind of lied. You do know her. I stop walking. Who could I know that was
older and would have sex with Cody? He stares at me. Why arent you screaming and yelling at
me?
Why would I be?
His jaw drops. Because its your sister!
MIRRANDA? I scream.
No! Nancy! Oh man. Thats why the voices were teasing me. Because they knew that
Nancy must have had some sort of sexual relationship with Cody by the way she was acting. I
should have seen it also. Why didnt I see it? I should have seen it. It was so blatantly obvious.
I storm back up to my house and pull open the door. Im fucking furious. This is SO
UNCOOL. Fuming, I run up to my shared room with Mirranda. She is waiting there with
cookies. I sink into my bed and look at her. Why didnt you tell me?
She looks away. I just couldnt. It wasnt my place to tell you. Im really sorry. I wanted
to.
Thats alright. Id have found out sooner or later.

Im sitting on my bed later when Ryan walks in. I turn away and pretend he doesnt exist.
Laura, Im sorry about what happened with Kaity. Hmph. I seriously doubt that. You just
need to know that we didnt have sex. I whip my head towards him in surprise. I actually like
Kaity, and I should have told you that. I thought youd freak out, like you did. But thats the
thing, I actually really like her. I wasnt just looking for some fling.
Howd Kaity take that?
Not well. She left. Apparently we werent on the same page.
That sucks. Although, she is too young for you.
Whats four years in the grand scheme of things? But dont worry. Its not going
anywhere. Im pretty sure shes still in love with her ex-boyfriend: hes all she could talk about.
Kind of a mood killer.
I bet.
He smiles at me. Were okay, right?
Youre my brother. Of course were okay.
Good. Now, go talk to Kaity. I hear shes been pretty bummed out lately.
You still talk to her?
No, I heard it from Mirranda.
Oh. He leaves my room. I stay seated. Thats it, someone hand me the phone, Im
calling Kaity.
Ring.
Hmm maybe I shouldnt be doing this.
Ring.
I do owe her the call
Ring.
SHIT! Im definitely hanging
Hello?
I guess whats done is done. Hey, Kaity, its Laura. Silence... Listen if you dont want
to talk to me I understand
LAURA! I missed you so much. Im so sorry! Listen, I never had sex with your brother.
I just it was wrong, you know? Im really sorry. Ive missed talking to you.
Ive missed you too Kaity.
And for the rest of the night we gossip away.
Hold just one second. If shes still in love with Kyle, shouldnt we
tell her about him and Emily?
It seems like the right thing to do.
I think the right thing would be walk the beaten path of IGNORANCE. Seriously guys, I
thought we already agreed on this?
No. You just decided.
And I am the master of my own life, so there we go. Ignorance it is.

Sweet, cold December. Horrible, evil December.
Yes, its December. Im back in school and guess what: Ive finally decided what
actually whoI want. Im telling Warren today. Cody is out of the picture; I know exactly where
I stand with him. On a scale of one to ten, one being in love, ten being hate, Im at an eleven.
OH NO! Not the eleven!
Oh yeah, the eleven.
Emily barrels into me screaming, Like Laura! Like Laura! Youre like not going to
believe what I like have to tell you! We slam into the ground. Thank god I wear one of those
puffy winter coats.
What? I ask as Joe helps me up from the ground. Thanks Joe.
WARREN IS LIKE DATING KATHLEEN! Say what? Warren and Kathleen,
Kathleen and Warren. This isnt happening.
Joe steadies me. Are you okay? he asks.
NO! I turn to Emily. How do you know this?
Well I was like at the mall, oh great, one of Emilys stories. Ill just have to suffer
through it. And like, Im at the mall to go like shopping for like these awesomely cool like
Christmas presents for like all my friends, so I like had to go into the like lingerie store. But like,
Im walking from the food courtlike yummyto the store, and like who do I see? Warren! So
Im like about to like say hi when I like see Kathleen. And like she was wearing this disgusting
outfit. I mean like who wears miniskirts like during winter? Like, right? And it was like this hot
pink that was just like drop dead ugly. She had like this little tube top on I mean ew. So I was
like ew. Okay, yeah, so I like go into super-secret ninja mode and like walk right behind them
and like the next thing I know hes like, did you see that movie with the robots and shes like,
no, was it good? and hes like, yeah, you should see it sometime, and shes like, I guess I
should, and then I like follow them for an hour. And then he goes, Kathleen will you be my
girlfriend, and shes like yes, and then she goes all like giggly and happy and then like they
make mouth fuck.
Mouth fuck! In public! Im shocked! Wait why would Emily watch that?
Yeah like everyone does that in like public. Its just like making out.
No, Emily. Mouth fuck means oral sex.
Oh. Now all that like stuff your sister Nancy told me like makes sense. From what
Ive like heard Cody is like pretty good at mouth fuck.
OH GOD! Emily shut UP!
Screw my life.
Wait what is Emily doing talking to Nancy about that stuff?
AND IF SHE KNEW WHY DIDNT SHE TELL ME?
Ah, the great mysteries of life.



















Chapter 11

Eenie Meenie Miny Mo
Catch an Indian by the Toe

I sit in cooking, trying not to stare at Warren. Kathleen? Of all people he chooses
Kathleen! This is worse than that time I ate dog shit on a dare.
Bitches be stealing your man. Were going to kick Kathleens ass
tonight. Shove her face in wet cement and hold it until it hardens.
Laura, Warren has chosen Kathleen. Obviously, hes not the one for you,
and instead of holding a grudge or trying to exact revenge you should
congratulate him and wish him luck.
Youve got to be shitting me. Thats the dumbest idea youve ever
spouted outta your dumbass mouth.
I cant even believe we occupy the same conscience. As soon as Laura
makes her mind up, I am never speaking to you again!
UH! Obviously not, hoe. Well both be bye-bye, dipshit.
I cannot wait for that day.
Like Laura, Emily whispers in my ear, please like stop staring.
Crap, I forgot about reality. Emily, Im not staring. Was I? Im just zoning out.
Okay, but like next time make sure you like zone out looking at the table. She nods
towards Warren, who looks slightly freaked out.
Right. I must not stare at Warren.
Although, its so hard not to.
Temptation is how Eve was expelled from the Garden.
Yeah, and she brought down man with her. MWAHAHA!
Scripture references, oh great.

What is it with time? It just flies by! One day Im staring at Warren in cooking class and
the next Im well, this is awkward. Its still the same day.
I sure feel like an idiot.
Oh well.
Im walking home, actually, from school. I think Ill take a detour through the park. I
havent been there in years.
It still looks the same: broken swings, graffiti on the bench, andmy personal favorite
the broken slide. Children beware, theres a gaping hole halfway down.
Its sad; this really is a nice neighborhood besides the park.
I sit down on one of the intact swings. This is where I first met Emily, and from that
moment on weve been inseparable.
Except for when youre fighting.
Or shes at summer camp.
Or youre at home.
Or sleeping.
ALRIGHT! I meant it in the metaphorical sense, not literal.
You should specify next time.
Well, I didnt think I had to! Jesus Christ oh hell. Whats Cody doing here? And
Derek?
They havent noticed me yet. Derek is speaking, dont see the fucking problem
really. How does this affect the situation?
Dont you see the game hes playing? Whats more desirable than playing hard to get?
Playing easy to get
For guys maybe, but girls like the chase.
Bro, I think youre fucking confused.
Theyre crossing the park, right in my line of sight. Its kind of odd they havent noticed
me yet.
Cody shakes his head. No, Im not. Girls like to chase a guy, and once they get them,
theyre through! He grabs Derek by the collar. I tell you Derek, theyre worse than us!
WORSE THAN US!
Derek shrugs Cody off. I doubt that.
Temptation. It has to be the temptation! Think about it. Eve was the one who ate the
apple. Then she brought man down with her!
Lay off the caffeine, bro. Youre fucking tweaking out.
No, Derek. You dont understand. Im Im seeing clearly for the first time in my life.
Ive been going about this all wrong. I need a girlfriend now. Jesika! Shes single, right?
Derek backhands Cody. NOT JESIKA, YOU FUCKTARD! Shes part of our crew!
Inter-crew relationships are fucking forbidden!
Fine then, who?
Derek grins maniacally. Its good you came to me, fuckface. I am the only one in the
whole world trained specifically to deal with these delicate fucking situations. All you need to do
is date her best friend.
No, not
YES! I mean EMILY!
What the hell! I scream, hopping off my swing. I stomp over to them. Cody, you will
never, EVER, get a hand on Emily. I promise you, she will not be ruined by your your hot
body, hard abs, sweet luscious lips sullied being. Ten point bonus for a totally awesome
vocab word!
I turn towards Derek. Is the best advice you can give, date her best friend? Thats just
sad.
Derek cocks his head slightly and smirks. I thought it was pretty solid advice.
Cody speaks up, Laura! I wouldnt really date Emily! You know that!
Why? Derek asks, Shes hot enough.
Thats it. How dare you ridicule my best friend for life? I turn and punch Derek right in
the face.
He spits out some blood and caresses his jaw. HOLY CRAP! I scream in pain. My fist
is on fire!
Laura, let me help you! Cody offers his hand to steady me.
I push it away. Dont touch me! And then I stumble. Suddenly, my feet are flying free,
the ground no longer attached and the sky is above me, shining so blue.
Pain.
Nothing.
Blackness.

A light.
I wake upwho knows how many hours laterto voices both familiar and not.
Please doctor, tell me if my daughter will ever wake up from this coma. Thereswhat
sounds likea sigh and the rustling of papers.
Im sorry sir, but the chances of your daughter every waking up is very slim. I expect
shell be a vegetable for the rest of her life. A woman sobs. Who the fuck calls their patient a
vegetable?
Please wake up, somebody that sounds like Mirranda whispers to me, Please.
I open my eyelids and sit up in my bed. You doctors really suck, I say. My mother cries
out and swoons. My father catches her.
The doctor ruffles through his notes. Why um yes seems there was a um
miscalculation. He rushes out of the room mumbling something like, Oh shit wrong family
again.
My family gathers around me and gives me hugs and kisses.
What happened? I ask.
You fell at the park, tripped on a rock. My father explains. Cody was there and he
brought you to the hospital and then called us.
Oh man. How long have I been out?
Two years, my father says. Oh fuck. Oh hell. Deep breaths, dont hyperventilate. What
if you fall back into another coma?
My mother smacks him hard on the chest with her hand. Zachary, you nearly scared the
shit out of her. My mother takes my hand and looks at me seriously. Youve only been out for
a couple hours. You had a concussion. She rubs my hand apologetically.
DAD! I scream. WHAT THE HELL?
He grins. It was a good joke, wasnt it?
FUCK NO.
Laura! my mother gasps. Watch your language. That is your father youre speaking
to!
He just nearly gave me a heart attack. I think I have the right to be angry!
She turns to my father. Now look what youve done.
What? he asks. Shes always this hormonal.
I am not, I say.
Yes you are.
I am not!
He pats me on the shoulder. Dont worry everyone, this is just the concussion talking.

An hour later Im eating crappy hospital pudding and watching soap operas. My family
has left, things to do, people to see, apparently.
Oh come on! I yell at one of the actors. Go for Ben! GO FOR IT! A knock on the
door interrupts my viewing pleasure. I turn and see Cody. What is he doing here? Just waltzing
in like he owns the damn place? Hey there, Cody! Im trying to be mad at him, but Im feeling
a bit perky for some reason.
I just came to check up on how you were doing.
Aw! Thats so sweet. No really. For some reason I think its sweet and outrageously
hilarious. Am I drugged? They did say I hit my head pretty hard Actually, got a couple
stiches for it. Too bad I probably wont remember this tomorrow. At least I hope not. Ha ha
ha ha ha. Cody stares at me. Ha yeah. I place the pudding bowl on the nightstand. So, now
that you know how Im doingobviously its crazier than everyou can just leave. He shakes
his head. Oh really, I say. I guess you didnt really come just to check up on how I was doing
now did you. He shakes his head again.
Laura, I came to Another knock, and now Derek, Kevin, and Kyle waltz in. Whats
with the waltzing? And why does everything feel bright and shiny?
Yo Laura, Derek says, I giggle. That wasnt even funny! I came to see how you were
holding up. Id figure it was the right thing to do after you drove me to the hospital.
Youre so funny, I wheeze, trying to catch my breath. Whoo I think Im going to
faint. I rest my head on my pillow and motion Derek closer. Youre sexy, I slur into his ear.
Ha ha yeah. I glance over to Cody. Hey, Cody how was sex with my sister? I hear you
give good mouth fuck. Am I right? Did she have like an orgasm? Aw Cody, dont get all shy.
Come on you can tell me.
Hold up, rewind, and smack that bitch again! You arent a virgin and I am? What the
literal fuck? Derek yells.
Woohoo! I scream. Yeah, go Nancy for being such a slut. Come on guys lets give
Cody a round of applause for bonking a slut. And suddenly my hands are clapping in a circle
formation. I HAVE NO CONTROL. Kyle and Kevin join in apprehensively while Derek claps
enthusiastically.
Another knock on the door, and now Warren waltzes in! WALTZES! Warren baby, I
call out, get your English arse on in here! Come on were just having a party. Hey maybe when
its over you guys will get lucky. Eh? The five of them share concerned looks. Oh shit not with
me. Im not feeling the white party. But you Kevin, with your chocolate brown Indian skin,
maybe. He smiles nervously.
Laura, theres something I need to tell you, Warren says, voice low, almost in a
whisper, in privacy. I glance around at the other.
But these are my friends, I whine. Whatever you need to tell me you can say it front of
them.
Yeah Pip, Derek adds.
YEAH! I yell doing the ghetto handshake thing with Derek. Awesome. Go on
Warren.
Laura will you go to the Winter Formal with me? Winter Formal? Is that coming up?
YES!
NO! He has a girlfriend.
Laura before you answer that you need to know that I came here to ask you to the
Winter Formal also, Cody shouts. I cock my head. Both guys look at each other and start
yelling.
SHES MINE!
I WAS HERE FIRST YOU ENGLISH WHORE!
The fight between them heats up bordering on the edge of physical hot and physical
STOP! I yell before Warren could slap Cody.
I continue, Who says Im going to pick one of you? Confusion is evident on all their
faces. I have other options you know. Like an imaginary person, I could go with Kevin.
Yeah, I could totally go with Kevin. Besides, Warren you have a girlfriend, and a real bitch at
that, and Cody you slept with my sister. Come on
Kevin looks at me. I look at him, holding eye contact so he knows Im the dominant one.
Also, he has the most beautiful eyes... shit, no. I mean So Kevin, you want to go with me to
the Winter Formal, but before you say anything you need to know I know your deepest darkest
secret. I pantomime dancing from my bedridden state. For some reason waltzing is on my mind.
He swallows nervously, Boy Laura, Id just love to go with you.
Great! So when is this dance thing anyway?

Its Friday night, a day before the Winter Formal. Im in Emilys bedroom, along with
Kaity, trying on dresses. I look like an idiot.
Emily, thanks for letting me borrow one of your dresses. Im sorry you dont have
anyone to go with.
Youre like totally welcome! And I like actually do have a date. Joes like taking me,
like just as friends guys! Kaity rolls her eyes.
Joe and Emily sitting in a tree f-u-c-k-i-n-g. I laugh at Kaitys joke. Emily looks mad.
You know were like not all like you Kaity, a big like slut. Holy mother of Emily did
not just diss Kaity!
Oh fuck, I should be in her head not yours, you pussy. That girl
has balls, that girl has
No respect for her friends whatsoever! I cannot believe Emily would say
such a thing to Kaity. Despite how true it is!
Kaity stands up, hands on hip. Excuse me?
Hey what do you think of this dress? I ask.
Whatever, Kaity says while walking out. This is not good at all. The door slams shut
downstairs.
Why did you have to say that Emily? I ask. Why, oh why, did you say that?
Because she needed to be like put straight. Anyways that dress is like vomit on you.
Alright then. She is becoming very bitchy kind of like a prep. Holy crap. The end of
the world is coming.
Is it just like me or is Joe like kinda cute?
Kinda cute? More like intensely creepy with a hint of psychotic. More like perfect stalker
in the making. More like never in my life would I think of using the words Joe and cute in the
same sentence, even if it wasnt referring to him such as: Look at that cute cat Joe is holding!
NEVER. GOD. NO.

The doorbell rings at five twenty-nine, Saturday night. Im sitting in my room checking
my rocking body out in the mirror. Im wearing a light blue knee length dress with strappy high
heels.
When I told my mom I had a date she nearly died. All week shes been asking, Is it
Cody? or Is it that nice English boy Warner? I told her it would be a surprise. My father
said as long as he didnt try to take my innocence he was down with it.
Laura, my Mom calls up the stairs, theres this very nice boy at the door for you! Her
voice quivers with insincerity and apprehension. I expect Kevin must look like a total idiot. Hes
probably wearing jeans. Great.
I step down the stairs, and there he is.
Am I dreaming?
Probably should slap myself to be sure FUCK. That was a little hard.
Laura! Are you alright? my mother asks.
Yeah Im fine. I think Im fine. Well, Im surely not asleep. But who is this
standing in front of me?
A young man stands in front of me wearing a purple pimp suit with a complimentary
cane and matching fedora. In his hand he has a corsage to match.
This is Kevin. My mother looks at me wide-eyed and in obvious distress. I dont quite
think he meets her standards of acceptable.
My father walks into the room and gives Kevin the once over. So what boys heart is my
daughter toying with?
Dad! How does he know these things!
Sir, I think its this English kid and one of my friends. My father stands in thought.
A friend of yours? Kevin nods. Hm Well, Im not going to worry. You definitely
wont put the move on my little girl. He gives me a hug and walks upstairs. Im going to watch
the game. I hit my forehead with my hand.
Goodnight Mrs. Mae, Kevin says as we leave.
Yeah, night Mom. Ill be back at about ten thirty. I give her a quick kiss and walk out
to the limousine. Wow. This is so cool! Are we riding in this?
No were riding in a wagon attached to the back.
Before I can come up with something witty to say, Im slammed into the side of the
limousine. Mirranda pulls herself off me. Sorry Laura, tripped on the curb. Would it be okay if I
hitched a ride? Kevin nods and opens the door for us. We slip inside.
Inside, Derek sits nonchalantly in an expensive looking tuxshould have asked him. His
date, a pale white girl, sits next to him, looking pretty pissed off. Cody, in a suit, sits by himself.
On my left sits Kyle, one arm wrapped around Kaity, whos in a pink dress. Pink is definitely not
her color wait. When did those two get back together? What about him and Emily?
Never mind. Ill never understand.
Hey guys, I say, scooting over to make room for Kevin. He drapes his arm around my
shoulder. I force myself not to pull away and place my hand on his knee. This is so going to piss
off Cody.
Mirranda, do you have a ticket? I ask. She shoots me an awful glare.
Yeah I have a ticket. Do I look like a major dumb ass? Sorry sorry, Im just so
nervous.
Of what? Getting caught going to the dance in ripped blue jeans? Oh!
She reaches across Kevin and punches me in the arm. OW! No, getting seen with you!
Damn that punch hurt.
Do any of you have a single friend I could borrow for the night? Mirranda asks.
Everyone glances at Cody.
Oh no! he exclaims. I made that mistake once already.
Funny, I say, I thought you were trying to work your way through all the Mae girls.
Mirranda interrupts before Cody can respond, Yeah, well I was looking for a guy not a
pussy anyways. If you happen to see any single men just point them in my direction. She
slumps back into the seat.
As I look at Mirrandas downcast face, I get an idea. Ill give her Kevin. Sure, that means
I cant annoy Cody or Warren, but my sister totally deserves this one. I lean in and whisper in
Kevins ear, You want to go with my sister? he looks at me confused. Trust me. I think she
has a plan up her sleeve.
He pulls his arm off my shoulder and slides closer to her. Hey baby, looks like Im your
date. She looks at me, and I shrug.
Better you than me, I tease.
Have you ever been to second base before? Mirranda asks Kevin.
Nope, but whos to say I wont tonight?
Now thats the type of attitude I need. I know I should be incredibly revoltedand
truthfully, I ambut something tells me this little plan she has will make up for it.
Theres a tap on my shoulder. Cody has moved next to me.
Hey, I say. Look, I understand why you had sex with my sister.
But I never should have had sex with her to begin with. It was wrong, and Im a better
man than that.
Youre just saying that so youll have a date for the dance, right?
Oh you read me like an open book.




Chapter 12

Winter Formal

I walk in with Cody, barely a few inches between us. Look, Im not going with him but it
wouldnt hurt if someonemaybe Warren?got that impression? Besides, Cody looks pretty
snazzy in his suit.
Would you like to get a table? he asks. I nod, and then he links his arm with mine.
This is not happening. I pull my arm away. Uh no. He looks at me puzzled. Sorry
kid, I say condescendingly, but I like my men with their virginity intact. I take a seat, and he
joins me.
Youre still mad about that, he huffs.
Just because I understand why you had sex with my sister, does not mean I forgive you
for it. And know this: Im only hanging out with you because I gave Kevin away. Mirranda
better make that move worthwhile, otherwise I will be pissed.
He slumps into his seat with an exasperated sigh. Someone please remind me why I like
you.
Probably because Im so out of your league.
Oh yeah, thats it, he mumbles.
I lean back and watch everyone dancing happily. Now I really want to dance.
Dancing is for faggots.
Just because you dont like something that doesnt mean its bad. I
personally find dancing romantic and fun.
FAG.
Hey Mrs. Pantz, some guy says to me as he walks by.
Hey dipshit, I answer like were good friends. He turns around, breaking from his
friends and walks back.
What did you call me?
Just your name. He moves in closer as if to fight me, but Cody stands up and steps in
between us.
I think its time we find a different table Laura. Cody grabs my hand and pulls me
away.
Oh too afraid to stand up to me? Fucking bitch! the guy yells. I turn partially around,
Cody still dragging me, and flip the guy off.
Youre a mother-fucking-cock-sucker-bitch-assmmhmhmPHMHPH! Ugh. Cody put
his hand around my mouth. I break from his grip and turn towards him. What the hell? I was in
the middle of a curse streak.
WHY? he asks. Why do you say things to people? Why do you ever open your
mouth? All you ever do is get yourself in trouble. And somehow Im always dragged into it.
Only because you want to be.
Right, your drama is the highlight of my life.
If you dont like it, walk away.
If I walk away youll get into more trouble.
Maybe I like trouble.
Youre crazy.
I tap my foot impatiently. You know what? I think Im going to go ask that freshman
over there if he wants to dance. I start to walk away but Cody pulls me back.
Not a chance. He sweeps me into his arms, face drawing dangerously near to mine. Its
like the center of gravity is between us, becausestrangely enoughIm being pulled in too
BITCH! someone yells. We both turn and see Kathleen standing there pointing at us.
Youre such a fucking bitch!
I step away from Cody and glance back and forth between them. Well thats not very
nice calling Cody a female dog. He may sleep around but hes no girl. She scowls at me. Oh
wait, were you talking about me? Of course she was talking to me! I just like dicking her
around.
Thats what Im talking about. Bring out your inner bitch.
We dont know Kathleen that well, but she shouldnt be throwing around
hurtful words as she does.
You tried to steal my boyfriend from me!
I tap my chin, pretending to be deep in thought. Steal boyfriend, boyfriend steal lets
see Well unless your boyfriend is Kevin, I think you might be mistaking me for someone
else.
Im talking about Warren. You asked him to this very dance. My jaw drops and I start
laughing.
Me ask Warren? When hell freezes over. Im sorry Im not into the guys that date stupid
sluts. So dont worry about me trying to steal your boyfriend. Besides Im way out of his
league. Apparently Im out of everyones league today.
Im going to kill you! She lunges for me. Which is a really stupid idea on her part
because she is wearing a really tight cocktail dress and five inch heels.
Dont let her get away with this! Hit her square in the jaw. Knock
her lights out. Kill her do something!
Laura, dont do anything. Just run away and leave. You dont want to
get suspended. Fighting is NOT a very smart idea right now.
I step out of the way and she crashes the ground, breaking a heel. Warren comes barreling
through the crowd and helps her up. He looks at me with contempt and asks, Why did you do
this to my girlfriend?
Is he serious? Maybe you should keep your dog on a tighter leash. He helps her up, and
they walk away together.
Even when Warrens an ass he is still dreamy
Well, Cody laughs, that was quite interesting.
Interesting? Kathleen just tried to murder me.
Cody looks at me pitifully. Laura, youre not important enough to be murdered. He
walks away, a smirk on his face.
That little shit!

Im sitting at a table with Cody, Derek, Dereks date, Kaity, Kyle, Joe, and Emily.
Dereks in a heated argument with Kyle about some stupid video game. I honestly could not care
less.
Just as Im about to stab one of them with a fork, a commotion on the dance floor grabs
my attention.
I look out and see Mirranda making out with Kevin. Preston is pushing his way through
the crowd, screaming profanities as he does so. He wrenches Kevin away.
Prestons date comes running up and says something to him. He yells at her, and she runs
off crying. Poor thing. Mirranda moves around Preston and helps Kevin up, cuddling his head
near her breasts and petting his head. Ew, ew, ew. She starts walking towards us with Kevin,
Preston close on her heels.
I know what youre doing Mirranda! he yells, finally in earshot. Youre just trying to
make me jealous!
She laughs. Preston, honey, why would I want to make you jealous? According to you
Im just some prude that wouldnt put out. You thought Id be any easy target, get in and get out.
But when I wasnt, you dumped me. Now that Im with someone else, you want me back. Thats
not my doing, thats your own stupidity. She looks at Kevin. How are you sweetie? Doing
okay? He pouts like a little kid, which brings on a slew of kisses from my sister.
NOT COOL.
Oh come on baby, Preston yells. This guy must totally repulse you! I mean hes
nothing compared to me.
Well thats exactly why hes so endearing. Come on Kevin, lets find someplace quiet
and private.
Preston watches them walk away dumfounded. He looks around our table, his gaze fixing
on me. Hey sexy, he says putting his elbow on the table and leaning on it. Do you actually
want to hang out with these losers for the rest of your life and hang with me and have some real
fun?
Nope. With a nudge, I push his elbow off the table sending him crashing to the ground.
He regains his composure and stands up. WHAT THE FUCK?
Im Mirrandas sister. And with that I throw my drink in his face and walk away. I
should find Mirranda and tell her what a big mistake shes making using Kevin to get back at
Preston. There are at least a million better guys.
But Preston pushes past me and gets to them first.
The door bursts open and Kevin crashes through, Preston right behind him. Preston grabs
Kevins collar, hauling him to his feet. Let this be an example to the rest of you! Preston yells
out to the room, most of which is not paying attention. If any one even looks at Mirranda Mae,
Ill kill you. Hes about to let loose when Mirranda walks in.
Uh Preston. He stops and looks at her. Preston, this is pointless.
What do you mean? Im fighting for your heart.
But I dont want you to.
I thought girls love this kind of stuff. You know when guys get all protective and beat
people up. All girls love that.
Yeah, but Im not like all those other girls. She grabs Kevins hand and pulls him
away. You know, she says to him, Im actually a blonde.
Really?
Yep, see the roots growing in? Im growing my hair back out. They walk off chit
chatting leaving Preston standing there.
Mirranda! he screams, dropping to his knees.
MMIIRRAANNDDAA!

At nine oclock Cody sighs, stands up from the table, and offers me his hand. Would
you like to dance?
What makes you think Id dance with you? Honestly though, at this point Id dance
with just anyone. Except maybe Joe.
Because youve been dying to dance with someone all night.
How does he know me so well? Alright. He takes my hand and leads me to the dance
floor. If this was anyone else, the moment could almost be romantic.
It still can be
Im going to agree, just so we can get some action.
He puts one arm around my waist, and takes the other in his hand. So hows life been
treating you? I ask. It would be a little awkward if we just danced in silence.
Decently enough. You know, my mother really loved your performance in the play.
Oh really? Thats so sweet of her!
She said that wed be cute as a couple.
I glare at him. Try hard.
You think thats trying to hard? What about this? He dips me down, pulls me back up,
and then twirls me.
Oh my.
Pulling me back in, he lightly touches his nose to mine. This is trying too hard.
Youre right. I was clearly mistaken.
What was that with Warren earlier? He cant even admit to asking you out? What a
douchebag.
Maybe its best if we dont talk about Warren.
Why? Not over him yet?
Maybe I just dont want to talk about him with you. Anyone who dates Kathleen is not
right in the head.
Maybe youre just scared to admit youre falling for me.
Thats definitely not it. Youre squeezing me a little too hard.
He loosens his hold. Sorry.
Cody is a sweet guy. But I cant get over the whole Nancy thing. At least not yet. It
seems incestuous.
A little too risqu even for my taste.
I am fully against anything to do with Cody. Sleeping with your sister?
Wrong. So wrong. Sex in general, wrong. So wrong.
Codys not prince charming. Hes kind of like his lame sidekick.
I look around the room and my eyes lock with Warren. Hes no prince charming either
although sometimes he almost hits the mark.
Warren smiles at me.
What the hell? Is he forgetting what happened just over an hour ago?
Go for it baby! You can totally get that hot piece of ass from that
bitch Kathleen. She doesnt deserve him.
Laura, youll find your prince charming. Warren isnt him so why even
bother with him? Trust me Laura, youll just make things more complicated.
I look at Cody. Do you think that girl is hot? I say nodding to some random girl.
I wouldnt call her hot. Shes a little short for my taste. And Im not really into
blondes although look at the size of those breasts
Are you serious? Im standing right here!
But you just asked me my opinion! Its only fair if I give it.
Jeez, what an idiot.



















The Second Act
(Wow This Really Sucks)
























Chapter 13

A New Year
Does Not Mean New Beginnings

Its the first week back after winter break, and I feel awful. During the break, Cody and
Warren bombarded me with well I dont know what, actually.
Cody had continually left me voicemails. Unfortunately, I had missed all his calls. Yes,
unfortunately is definitely the word for that At least once a day I had to listen to his awkward
ramblings. Laura, I know youre ignoring me. STOP IT! Get a life.
Warren equally annoyed me. Seriously, even for an English chap, hes a bit of an ass.
Laura, this is ridiculous. Stop being such a wanker, and just pick up. The only call of
importance came from him after New Years, which was to announce him and Kathleen had
broken up.
This led to a return call on my part, which made me ruin my New Years Resolution.
My New Years Resolution is to get both of them to hate me somehow so theyll leave
me alone. So far Im failing to do so. But I have a trick up my sleeve: just date Derek!
So, what was your New Years Resolution? Joe asks Emily after we assemble and
begin the treacherous, snow plagued walk to school. Stupid assholes that dont shovel.
Well, she starts off, my resolution was to like not hate preps anymore! I smack my
forehead with the palm of my hand.
Emily youve made that same resolution for the past five years and every year you come
out just hating them even more.
But that was like before! See this year Ive like taken drastic steps to like preps. She
pulls open her jacket and shows us her shirt. It reads, I heart NY
Emily what does that have to do with liking preps? I must be missing some very crucial
piece of information, because this makes no sense.
Well you know how like all those preppy shows take place in like New York? I shake
my head no, Well I like thought maybe if I like New York, like slowly Ill like preps. Just like a
bit.
Emily that makes no sense. She scowls at me.
Yeah well like what is your New Years resolution Mrs. Like Smarty Pants?
To get Cody and Warren to hate me.
Oh and like mine doesnt make sense. Yours is completely unlogical! At this point, Im
done correcting her.
But Joe isnt. Um Emily I think you mean illogical.
She stamps down her foot. I LIKE MEAN WHAT I LIKE MEAN! Like okay! Why do
you guys always like try to like correct me when Im right? she stomps off.
So Joe, what is yours? I ask.
Mine is to become a forty-fifth level barbarian in Fight-World-Master-Dungeon-Dude.
What the hell is that?
An online RPG. Another confused look. A role playing game, you know all those
hack em up games. Theyre really quite enjoyable.
Ah, well, yes. Ah, well, LAME!

I sit down at the usual lunch table and what to my wondering eyes do appear? Nothing.
Im alone. A cursory glance around the lunchroom tells me that this is not some dastardly plan:
Kaity is sitting by Kyle. Argh. A note would be nice. Hey Laura, Id advise avoiding the
lunchroom today unless you want to look like an idiot sitting by yourself.
I guess Ill just wait for Emily to show up.
Five minutes later, I realize shes not going to. Where the hell could she be? Shes been
disappearing a lot lately. Over the break I could barely get a hold of her. Its all very
suspicious.
YOU ARE A WHORE! someone yells at me.
Wonder who that could be? Not. Hello Kathleen. I say without looking.
YOU ARE A WHORE! She repeats.
I turn towards her, smiling. So you said. No response on her part. Well? Why am I a
whore?
YOU STOLE MY BOYFRIEND!
I slap myself on the forehead in mock realization. Uh! Did I do that again? How could I
have forgotten that? Now that thats all cleared up, Ill be seeing you!
She takes a step towards me. YOU FUCKING BITCH!
I stand up and square my feet, ready for anything. Now you listen here, Kathleen, I think
youve gotten your lets say pointfor lack of a better wordacross. So you can go back to
whatever whole you crawled out of and die.
I am momentarily dazed, and when I come back there is a throbbing feeling on my left
cheek. Weird huh.
That bitch just slapped you! Shes got balls, mother fucker!
Well, she definitely took that a little far.
I look into her eyes and see a flash of regret. I am going to beat the living shit out of her.
Her childrens children will feel the effects.
And just as Im about sate the awful voice inside my head, someone interrupts.
Now just what is going on here? I turn to address the person only to find myself
looking at Dr. Torso, the damn gym teacher.
Just two friends having a discussion, I say through clenched teeth. As soon as he turns
his back, shes a dead woman.
Dr. Torso turns towards Kathleen. Is that true?
Of course it is. She looks at me, eyes burning with hatred. Laura, I think we should
finish this... chat, later today.
How about five behind Trixies? Trixies is the local ice cream parlor and the local
brawl zone.
She consents and walks off. Dr. Torso waits for her to be out of earshot and then looks at
me. Bring a friend, he says. Youre not going to win fighting fair; Ive seen her during swim
practice. I nod and try to calm my nerves that are now building.
Great.

I sit in chemistry, imagining my impending doom. Im going to die, and Ill never have
had a real relationship.
This sucks.
If you had just listened to me you could have nailed half the
student body by now.
Im pretty sure I said real relationship.
I know. Im in your head.
Why am I even surprised?
Mr. K-man is at the front of the class teaching, something. I have no idea. It looks like
different types of chemical reactions. My dad gets a kick from this shit?
Glancing around the room, I catch Kyles eye. Hes motioning with his head towards the
back of the room. I turn around, and Kevin passes me a note.
What a curious little situation we have here. I open the note and begin reading.

Laura,
Heard about your fight after school. Am betting $50 on you. DO NOT LOSE.

-Derek
P.s.- Dont hurt the money makersher boobs

I fold the note up in disgust. Dereks mind is sickening. How can any girl stomach being
in his presence?
Laura, Mr. K-man shouts, are you even paying attention to anything Im saying?
Yes, of course I am! I am totally going to regret that.
Then can you tell me what the difference between an exothermic and endothermic
reaction is?
Employ: stalling tactic. Well, why not point out their similarities first? Such as, they
both start with the letter E. Good point! Why thank you self. And, obviously there both types
of reactions.
I asked for the differences.
Right. Employ: dumbassery. Despite the fact that they both start with the letter E,
their roots are different: exo and endo. However, their suffixes are the same: therm.
Laura, this foolish behavior is completely unacceptable
BUT WAIT! Employ: holy shit I think I just figured this shit out. Exo means external,
and endo means internal. Combining this with the root therm, which deals with temperaturesor
in this case, heat, we can see that exothermic reactions release heat during a chemical reaction
while endothermic absorb heat!
He looks at me, rather crestfallen. Yes, you are correct.
Hell yeah!
Mr. K-man turns away from me and addresses the class again. Jesika, sitting smugly next
to me, shakes her head in amusement.
What? I whisper angrily. Who does she think she is, anyways?
Oh, I was just wondering if your rudimentary study of the English language was going
to help you at all tonight. My conclusion: no chance in hell. I hope you like getting your ass
kicked.
Huh, thanks for the vote of confidence.

Im hiding in a row of bushes across the street from Trixies. I have absolutely no hope of
surviving. Why didnt I tell my mother I loved her when I had the chance?
You know, I normally try to be upbeat and cocky, but youre
fucked.
OH COME ON! Someone has to have my back!
I do! I believe you can do this.
No shit?
I know you can diffuse this situation and make a mighty good friend out
of Kathleen! All it takes is a little humility and understanding.
What the fuck?
Great. Not even my own subconscious thinks I can handle this. Well, so long cruel, cruel
world.
Slowly, a crowd starts to gather in anticipation. They mill about, trying to look
nonchalant. I catch a glimpse of Derek, walking around. For the love ofhes taking bets!
I pull myself out of the bush and walk over, determined to put a stop to him.
Someone in the crowd yells out, Look! Here she comes! Suddenly a roar of excitement
runs through them all, and they begin to form a ring.
A group of girls push me from behind into the opening in the crowd. I spin, hopelessly,
looking for an escape. There is none.
Kathleen materializes from across me, incensed and ready to kill. I gulp back my fears.
Its too late now to turn back.
We circle each other like sumo wrestlers. I believe this is the part when youre supposed
to evaluate your opponent, looking for strengths and weaknesses, but Im not trained in this. The
closest Ive ever gotten to a physical fight was with my older sister. I was nine. It turned into a
tickle contest.
Kathleen lunges forward, sending me scrambling backwards. She laughs maniacally,
bringing me closer and closer to the wall of onlookers.
In desperation, I lunge taking her by surprise. She moves back, giving me breathing
room.
Alright, I can do this. I can take her on. How hard could it be?
The crowd around us is teeming with expectation. Jeers and cries of support are all mixed
together in one massive surround sound experience. I leap to the side just as Kathleen takes a
punch at me. That was a narrow miss.
As she tries to regain her footing, I chop her on the back, which sends her to the ground
in a splat.
Wow! That wasnt hard at all!
I turn to face the crowd, hands raised! LOOK AT ME BITCHES! I RULE!
Oof.
Theres a a splitting pain in the side of my head. I glance around, and sure enough,
Im on the pavement. Shouldnt have gotten cocky.
Stumbling, I manage to get back on my feet. Kathleen doesnt hesitate and punches me
square in the mouth.
I reel from the blow into the crowd, who so kindly throw me back into the ring. In a
feeble attempt to hold my own, I throw my entire body into her. Our fist fight is now a grappling
fight.
Biting, hair pulling, knee kicks: we struggle.
We pull away and begin to circle again. My jaw is throbbing and blood is dripping from
my nose. She hardly looks tired at all.
I suggest fleeing in the opposite direction. Theres nothing wrong
with being a coward.
Have you no pride? No dignity? No self-respect? This is not the time for
cowardice and self-doubt. Today we stand strong, united in a common goal. We
are not rivals; we are friends, linked forever by what lies before us. Today, we
fight for honor! FOR GLORY!
HELL YEAH! And with this surge of confidence, I run at Kathleen and sock her right in
the jaw. She falls to the ground
HOLY HELL! I stagger backwards, pain shooting up my arm. That was not supposed
to hurt me!
As I nurse my wrist and wait for Kathleen to get up, the crowd quiets. The atmosphere
changes from jovialness to fear. Just barely, police sirens can be heard.
Everyone scatters in seconds. The sound of feet on pavement echoes off the side wall of
the ice cream parlor as the fleeing commences. I run for the fence separating the alleyway and
the parklands behind it. Adrenalin pumps through my veins as I rocket between trees and
navigate the undergrowth.
The sirens in the background grow louder for some time, and then they start to fade. I
stop and lean against a tree to assess the damage thats been done. My hand and wrist are killing
me, my jaw is numb from the pain, various scratches cover my body, and blood is still dripping
from my nose.
All in all, its not so bad.

I approach my house with trepidation. The cuts on my body arent bleeding anymore, so I
cant look too bad, right?
I open the door as quietly as I can and slowly take my shoes off. I can hear noise from the
kitchen and family room. Alright, this is going rather well.
The door to the kitchen opens and my little sister, Em, comes out. She looks at me in
distress and wonder. Laura? Her eyes are brimming with tears.
Shit. Shit. Hey, Em! I whisper. Dont worry. Im perfectly fine! This is costume
make-up! Its for a play at school! Remember when I did Romeo and Juliet? Its just like that.
But today I had to leave early so I didnt have time to wash it off! I hope I didnt scare you.
Her eyes are wide, but she smiles a little. Can I touch it?
Oh fuck. Oh fuck.
T-touch it? She nods. Are, are you sure? She looks at me eagerly, hand outstretched.
If I say no, well she might freak out. But if I say yes maybe just maybe, itll work?
I hold out my arm and watch in horror as she begins to probe my cuts, scrapes, and
bruises. The pain isnt as bad as I imagined, but its still not pleasant. Giggling, she pokes a
bruise. Well, as long as shes amused I guess it isntHOLY FUCK.
She stands in front of me, a barely formed scab in her hand. Horrified, she looks at my
arm, which is now bleeding a little. Shrieks of terror emit from her throat. The house seems to
converge on us.
At first, they only pay attention to Em. My mother and father probe her in search of
bodily harm, while my other siblings stand around worried. I inch backwards, making my way to
the stairs, when Mirranda notices me. What the fuck?
Mirranda dont use that language! My mother scolds, still doting on Em.
My father, on the other hand, notices me. What the fuck is right! What happened to you
Laura?
And suddenly all eyes are on me. I uh I fell down some stairs that were
outside and made of pavement and dirt. Nailed it.
My mothers eyes narrow, and her face turns red. Everyone go to your room! Except
you Laura.
My siblings march past me, shooting me looks of pity. I guess its obvious Ive been
beaten up, but whats worse: now Im going to have a new asshole reamed open by my mother.
Isnt this just the icing on top of the cake?
She motions for me to step into the kitchen. I take a seat and wait for the scolding to
come.
Tell us what really happened, my dad says softly. I explain everything to them, no
sugar coating.
I tell ya! I was just walking around the neighborhood, minding my own business, when
a gaggle of pre-teen girls comes out of nowhere! Theyre brandishing sticks and and running
at me, full speed! They wanted my money, but I didnt have any! So they beat me up and threw
mud and dirt at me. Its the truth, I tell ya! Cross my heart and hope to die.
My parents dont seem convinced.
Laura. Youre father asked for the real story. Dont lie.
You want the truth? You cant handle
THIS IS NOT A GAME!
Alright! Damn. Were all friends here! I got in a fight.
You got in a fight? A FIGHT? With who? WHY?
With Kathleen because she slapped me, called me a whore, and a boyfriend stealer.
Plus, I hate her guts and thinks she totally deserves whats coming to her.
You do not fight!
She started it!
I dont care who started it! Youre a girl for goodness sakes!
I look at my dad for support. He glances away and acts oblivious.
So I was just supposed to stand there and take it? I dont know, but that seems A BIT
DUMB TO ME.
I dont care if it seems dumb, its what you do!
FORGET THAT!
You dont speak to me that way! Youre grounded for the next two weeks! No hanging
out with friends. No television. No desserts.
Oh my word! That is just excessively cruel.
NOT THE DESSERTS. ANYTHING BUT THE DESSERTS.
She smiles at me triumphantly, and then leaves the room. My dad waits for her to go
upstairs before he says, How bad does she look?
Not as bad. Although, Im pretty sure I knocked her out. And I left her for the cops.
His eyes meet mine, and I can see theyre misty. Im so proud of you.


Chapter 14

Beginning, Middle, and End
All in One Chapter

Jeez, Laura, you look like shit, Cody says to me the next morning in drama class. The
last drama class for the semester! Finally Ill be out of this hell hole.
Thanks asshole. He sure knows the way to a ladys heart.
Youre in a lot of trouble, he whispers, taking the empty seat next to me.
What did I do now? Im beginning to feel like there is a conspiracy against me.
Kathleen is pissed about yesterday. When she came too, apparently the police were
almost there, and she just barely got away.
Not my fault. Maybe if she wasnt such a bitch someone would have helped her out?
Thats not my problem.
She thinks you planned it.
Thats just insanity. But if she actually believes this, shell come after me again. Oh
god, what am I going to do? I cant beat her. I just got lucky yesterday.
Laura, shes going to kill you.
Thats a bit dramatic, dont you think?
Well, I guess theres nothing I can do about that, except, I dont know, maybe GET
THE FUCK OUT OF DODGE.
Oh well, I have an idea, but you wont like it. You know what, never mind. Forget I
even mentioned it. He grins at me.
Whatever. Dont care. Lies. I totally do.
Yes you do. What? How does he do that?
Alright maybe a little. A little a lot! I HATE SECRETS. Unless theyre my own.
My idea is awful. It is such a bad idea. He looks at me, head cocked, with this stupid
crooked smile.
It cant be that bad. Wait this is Cody
Go out with me. Okay. He wasnt bluffing that is a pretty bad idea. Laura, just think it
through. By going out with me, not only will you be able to convince Kathleen that youre not
after Warren, but youll have people to back you up. Derek will have your back, and Jesika will
have to help you by default!
Ill admit it; Id rather have Jesika backing me up than Emily or Kaity. Dumb bitches
didnt even show up yesterday!
NO! Dont date Cody! Hes old news.
I agree!
I MEAN YES! Date him!
Oh come on.
Cody, I feel wrong saying yes. Its like Im using you. Using your hot and supple body
for my dark twisted needsSHIT! Thats not what I meant at all.
I dont mind.
Not now, but in time you might! It isnt right! I cant
And suddenly hes kissing me. Yes, lets just make out in the middle of class. Thats not
inappropriate at all.
He pulls away. Laura, please just say yes.
Okay. Yes.
Im so disappointed in you right now.
Yeah, this wasnt really as satisfying as I thought it would be.
Well, at least well be getting some action! WOOHOO!

Surprisingly, Im really enjoying dating Cody.
Its been three weeks, to tell you the truth, hes kind of AWESOME.
While I was reluctant at first, I must agree. Cody is a kind and
considerate young man.
Forget that shit. Hes a fantastic kisser!
Sure, at first I was just using him for protectionit worked by the way. But now, our
relationship has grown and turned into something serious.
Mother fucker! Cody screams. I know I asked for sprinkles on this ice cream sundae!
Of course, there are a few habits that are slightly irritating. For example: he has a short temper
and loud mouth.
I-Im sorry. Please, let me fix that for
Cody leans across the counter and grabs the employee by the collar. Were at Trixies,
supposedly enjoying a snack. Listen, he glances at the employees nametag, Chester. I asked
for an ice cream sundae with sprinkles. I expected sprinkles the first time! THIS is
SHENANIGANS.
Chester this kid looks oddly familiar to me.
Cody, come on! I plead. Just let him fix it. Its not that big of a deal. Chester.
Seriously, where have I seen him before?
Cody turns to me, still holding the kid by the collar. Laura! This is a matter of principle!
He has to learn his lesson!
Oh for the love ofhe has to be kidding me?
Chester looks at me pleadingly, glasses askew, hair rumpled holy crap! He was my lab
partner last year for biology!
But, its too late to say anything: Cody shoves his sundae into Chesters face. Poor
Chester sputters uncontrollably, ice cream up his nose and all over his glasses.
So, Cody has some faults, but who doesnt?
His are pretty big and scary.
This is so turning me on right now.
Dating Cody isnt exactly like taking a walk in the park, but its far better than having to
deal with Kathleen. Besides, this only happens every once in a while.

Im sitting at lunch a week later when Warren comes up to me.
So this thing with you and Cody, its getting serious? he asks out of the blue. Weird.
I nod. Yep, its already been a month. One month of some serious make-out action.
Booyah.
Glad to hear that.
Glad to hear that youre glad to hear that What the Lets forget I ever said that!
So, how are you doing? Are you and Kathleen maybe?
No. Oh no. Definitely not. I I dont think so. Can Can I talk to you about
something?
At that moment, Cody walks up. Hello, Pip.
Cody.
Mind moving away from my girlfriend, you cowardly swine?
Cowardly swine? Hes been hanging around you too much.
Sure thing, git. Ill see you later, Laura. He walks away, dejected.
That bastard. What does he think hes doing, coming over here to talk to you? I oughta
show him whos the man in this town. Cody takes the seat opposite me and begins scarfing
down his food.
Kaity and Kyle join us, chattering away about something. I ignore them, as I try to figure
out what is wrong with Cody.
Laura? Have you been listening to anything Ive been saying? Kaity is staring at me,
looking quite annoyed.
Uh, no. I kind of zoned out.
Well I was wondering if youd like to I completely ignore her anyways and just nod
and agree. Damn Cody and his stupid boy brain. I cant figure out his problem! But there is one
person that can help me: Emily. I need to find her.
I excuse myself and get up from the table. I bet shes in the library with Joe working on a
project. Hes been helping her out a lot quite recently.
Once in the library, I begin my search. Shes not at the computers or the tables. This is
weird Maybe shes looking for some books?
I look down each row: not there either. Where could she have gone?
As Im leaving, I see her coming up the hallway. Her hair is untidy and her make up
looks smudged. Emily?
She sees me and suddenly becomes nervous. Like oh! Like hi Laura! What are you like
doing up here?
I came looking for you. I thought you said youd be in the library working on a project.
Isnt Joe supposed to be helping you?
Oh he like uh couldnt make it. He has to like make up some test. So I like just
decided to like go to the bathroom!
Untidy hair, smudged make up, wrinkled clothes, nervousness OH MY GOD! Shes
secretly dating someone again!
That bitch!
Im going to call her out on it and beat this kid up!
Laura, no. Just let it go.
But! I dont! UGH! This is so unfair!
Ignoring the telltale signs of making out, I walk over to her and link arms. Well, I have a
problem. And I need your help.
Like sure! Anything for like you!
Anything like, tell me who youre dating? HA! I bet not. Well, its about Cody. Hes
been acting a little weird lately. Hes quick to anger and has been quite jealous. Today, he acted
all weird when Warren was talking to me and just last weekend he smacked a kid for looking at
me.
So like, whats the problem?
Why is he doing this? I cant figure it out!
She unhooks her arm and touches my forehead. Laura, are you like ok?
Yes. Cody is the nutty one. Cant she hear me?
Then why are you like asking me? SERIOUSLY NOW. Shes a raving lunatic.
Obviously, Im asking her for advice. DUH. Shouldnt you be like asking Cody? Whats like
wrong? Normally you have like, no problem saying whatever is like on your mind.
Oh god, shes right. Ive been acting weird too.
Normally, I would just ask Cody. Id man up and say to his face what I was feeling.
But for some reason Im not? Im changing too. This relationship is changing me. I DONT
LIKE IT.
Emily! Thank you, thank you! Youre the best friend for life anyone could have! And
that is so lame to say!

Its Saturday night, bowling night. Turns out, while I was ignoring Kaity at lunch and just
blindly agreeing to everything she said, I had agreed to this outing.
Woohoo.
And I havent exactly talked to Cody yet. I mean, I said, Hey, whats up? That totally
counts right?
Laura! my mother calls up the stairs, Codys here to pick you up! I smile feebly at
myself in the mirror.
I walk down stairs. Hey Cody. Hey jackass, is more like it.
Hey. He looks me up and down, lust burning in his eyes. There it is again, that feeling
that I just belong to him. Im just this hot piece of ass he owns.
I like it, which, coincidentally, is the reason I havent talked to him about his behavior
lately.
You have fun with your friends! my mother says as we leave. And stay out of
trouble!
Way to jinx it.

Im sitting in the bowling alley, having an alright time. Kaity and Kyle are making out on
a bench, so not too much fun. Cody isnt really talking to me and keeps shooting glares at the
teenage boys two lanes over. Derek and Jesika are the only two actually putting effort into the
game.
Man you suck my hard cock Cody! Derek yells. Were nearing the end of our second
game, and Cody is sucking badly. I mean, he is behind by fifty points from the person in last.
The person in last place is me, and I only have fifty.
So yeah, I guess he is sucking Dereks hard cock.
You want to see me suck bitch? Cody screams. I have a bad feeling about this
Dude you mother fucker! I aint like that! Damn girl.
Cody gets up from his seat, grabs the heaviest bowling ball, and walks down the lane
until hes standing a foot away from the pins. He throws the bowling ball missing all the pins.
STRIKE! Derek screams.
Jesika punches him in the arm. GUTTER BALL, YOU IDIOT.
The manager walks up and yells at Cody. Young man get off that lane right now!
Cody walks halfway back up the lane and yells, So what you gonna do about it mother
fucker?
Cody, I warn, Dont do it. This is embarrassing, and Cody is really pissing me off.
Come on bitch tell me what you gonna do? Just because youre the fucking manager you
think you can just do whatever you want? So what you gonna do about it? Come on, what you
gonna do?
Half of the bowling alley is watching now. How embarrassing. Why cant Cody just keep
his cool? I mean, seriously. This is really stupid this is so stupid that well
I dont want a relationship like this.
I look at the manager: he cant be a day older than twenty twenty two. Good enough
for me.
I stand up and walk over to him. You know what hes going to do Cody. You want to
know what hes going to do? I turn to the manager and shove my tongue down his throat. His
hands find their way to my butt.
I break away and look at Cody, Were through. I cant stand you! I walk away, Kaity
jumps up to follow me.
Damn bitch youve been served! Derek yells at Cody.
SHOE FIGHT! Jesika yells. She and Derek jump behind the counter and wreak havoc
on the unsuspecting innocent bowlers.
Once outside Kaity yells at me. LAURA! What the fuck was that back there? Just
kissing that guy? Thats really mature.
Yeah? Well, at least Im not screwing a guy whos just going to leave me again. Damn.
Even I can feel the sting of that one.
She turns and leaves. I should not have said that. And I definitely shouldnt have kissed
that guy.
It was rather risqu. Actually, Im kind of proud.
The door slams open and Cody rushes outside. Once he notices me, he seems to fall
apart. Did you just break up with me? Did you SERIOUSLY just break up with me? Hes
screaming now.
Yeah! I scream back. I broke up with you because you are being a big jackass! Why
cant you just act like a civilized human being?
And what about you? Huh?
Cody, Its over! Theres no point arguing about anything.
He walks away and gets into his car, tires screeching as he pulls out of the lot.
There goes my ride.



























Chapter 15

Screw You, Cupid

Its a week later. Cody and I are officially not speaking or looking at each other. I miss
him. But maybe its just because today is Valentines Day, and Im all alone.
Thats probably the reason.
The good news is that Kathleen hasnt decided to kick my ass just because Cody and I
broke up.
The bad news is that Warren is talking to me, which means Kathleen will soon be on my
case.
Oh my gosh, like Laura! Is this not like the cutest thing youve like ever seen? Emily
holds out a card for me to look at it.
Pink, red, and white sequin hearts fall off when I grab it. It is the mushiest piece of
romance shit Ive ever seen.
I look inside. It doesnt say who its from.
I like know! I think I have like one of those like secret admirals.
Secret admirers.
Yeah, like totally.
A secret admirer this seems highly unlikely. Its probably her secret boyfriend shes
been seeing behind my back. All the hint dropping Ive been doing the past two weeks has gotten
me nowhere. She refuses to admit anything.
You have no idea who it might be from?
None at like all! LIES.
So you wouldnt mind if I just threw it out? I teasingly hold it above the waste bin.
LIKE NO! She nearly lunges for it but settles herself instead. I think that would be
like mean. What if he like found out? Before I can react, she snatches it out of my hand and puts
it on her desk, far out of my reach.
Ugh. I roll over on her bed and sigh. Today is super dumb. Valentines Day? What lame
person even came up with this holiday?
Its actually rooted in Greek mythology
Dont care!
Laura, I was like wondering if you still were like going to Dereks Valentines Day
party. Shit. I had totally forgotten about his party.
Every year his parents leave town on a romantic date, and every year Derek throws a
party. It is basically just a huge hook up festival. Every couple in the school flocks there for a
night of parent-free make out time. The single people that show up are just looking for some new
conquest or a person to help them forget how lonely they really are.
I am definitely not going.
No way. His party is totally going to suck like it does every year. Its actually a killer
party considering theres no alcohol. Not that I drink, but still.
For some reason Derek has always refused to serve alcohol, not that it doesnt stop the
occasional spiked drink But who cares why Derek doesnt have alcohol. Its just another
puzzle I dont need to solve.
But like please! Emily drops to her knees and pleads. I dont want to like go alone!
There will be tons of guys! Maybe even your secret admirer? Your secret boyfriend?
Like please, oh please! You like need to get out. Like seriously. Youve been like a total
buzz kill all week. Get out and like have some fun.
I have not been a buzz kill! Have I?
All you like do is mope. Youre like so sad!
Im not sad! Thats total bullshit. Why would I be sad about Cody? The guy was being
a total loser. Hes totally not a good fit for me. I mean, why would I want to be with someone
who was moody and bitchy? Getting angry about sprinkles? Come on!
Like whatever. You dont have to like go. But what are you like going to do tonight?
Ill hang out with Kaity! No, shes going to the party with Kyle. Call Warren! Crap.
Hes out of town for the weekend. Kevin? No, hell be at the party. Jesika? Ew never, and shes
going to be at the party. Maybe Ill read a book? Maybe Ill be super lame?
Youll like what?
Ill just have a nice night at home. Get some me time. You know, pamper myself. I
totally deserve it. This is an awesome idea.
If awesome now means incredibly dumb. Youre going to that
party!
No. Im not going. Im staying home, and thats final!

The hum from the party can be felt over a block away from Dereks house. Even this far
away, vestiges of music and laughter can be heard. Its cold outfreezingbut thats not
stopping anyone from having a good time.
Not even me.
Or so Emily tells me.
Shes standing right next to me, arms linked so I cant run away. Somehow, she
convinced me to go.
Like Laura, this is like going to be awesome! Not. I cant believe Im here, walking up
the street to this stupid party for people that just want to make out and screw.
Once inside, Emily lets go of my arm and disappears into the crowd.
WHAT THE SHIT.
I stand awkwardly in the entry way, not knowing what to do. She drags me to this party
just to ditch me? BFFL, MY ASS. Im going to kill her!
There are people everywhere. Flirty eyes dart around the room in search of a romantic
prospect. Couples and singles that have already found each flounder around as they suck each
others face off and oh god, is that Joey kid getting to second base with Ami Phlegm?
Disgusting.
I push my way through and make it to the living room. Just more of the same.
After a lot of shoving, I manage to find a spot on the wall to lean against. A couple falls
to the floor in front of me, slobbering all over the others face.
Gross, gross! I scoot away in a hurry and slam into someone. We both lose our balance
and fall into the corner of the room.
Half my weight is supported by the wall behind me, the other half by the persons hand
on my back. Our bodies are pressed against each other.
The person looks at me astonished, glasses askew, hair rumpled holy crap! Its
Chester!
We untangle ourselves and stare at each other. I havent said anything to him since Cody
smashed a sundae into his face. This is so awkward and for some reason Im feeling really awful.
Thanks for, uh, that Chester, I mumble, looking away.
Yeah no problem. He stuffs his hands in his pocket and scuffs his foot against the
ground.
I glance back at him and our eyes meet. AWKWARD! I dart my eyes around the room,
not knowing where its safe to leave my gaze.
I should, probably, um, I should get uh. See you around, Laura.
Yeah totally. Uh yeah.
He turns and begins to push through the crowd. That awful feeling is still in my chest. I
dont know why. Why do I feel so bad when I look at him?
Because you didnt say anything when Cody was being so mean to him!
Because oh damn. I have no idea! I, too, am feeling fucking
awful.
So this feeling is is regret? NO I REFUSE TO BELIEVE IT! But as Chester finally
finds a gap and is just about to slip through it I shout, Chester wait!
He looks at me terribly confused, and Im feeling the same way. But something drives me
to say, Look, about the whole Cody thing
Dont worry about it. He waves his hand in the air as if to dismiss it.
No, no! I grab his arm before he can leave again. I should have said something to him.
I shouldnt have just stood there. I should I should have helped you. I should have been a nice
person? What the hell is this shit? Do I really mean this?
And as I look into Chesterssurprisingly warm chocolate browneyes, I realize I do
mean this. I apologize.
Stunned, he stands there with his mouth hanging open. Before he can say anything hes
thrown into the wall.
Cody grabs poor Chester by the collar and screams in his face, WHAT ARE YOU
DOING TALKING TO MY GIRLFRIEND?
Girlfriend?
Calm down, man! I wasnt doing anything!
Cody hollers a slew of cuss words and tosses Chester into a group of single kids. The
group topples over.
Cody! I step out in front of him. Whats your problem?
My problem? What are you doing here? Huh? Cody is breathing heavily, his eyes
darting between me and Chester behind me.
And then something clicks.
Youre jealous! You think I came here to meet someone! Ha ha. Loser Cody, whos
been acting like he doesnt care, so totally does!
What? No Im not!
Yes you are!
No. I am NOT!
YES YOU ARE!
NO. I AM
ALRIGHT! someone screams. Its Derek. Cody, you are fucking jealous. Laura, you
are fucking sad. So either get the fuck back together OR QUIT RUINING MY FUCKSTIVAL!
Your what? Cody and I ask in unison.
My fuckstival!
Yeah, Derek I dont get it. Cody says.
Fuckstival: a festival for fucking YOU KNOW WHAT. Fuck you guys. Derek out.
Im leaving too. Emily has ditched me, Cody is probably going to stalk me all night, and I
really dont want to be here.
The way to the front door is blocked so I go around to the back, where the congestion
isnt too bad. The brisk wind burns my face, but I ignore it and start to walk home.
Coming around the side of the house, I smack into someone. What the hell is up with
this? WHY DONT PEOPLE JUST WATCH WHERE THEY FREAKING ARE GOING?
Its Warren.
Its Warren?
Laura! he grabs my shoulders and hugs me. Im so excited to see you! I was hoping
youd be here.
Ive been stupid. Ive been an idiot. I came back to tell you that I care about you. I want
to be with you. I want you to be my girlfriend.
FUCK NO! Cody yells. See: the stalking thing. Laura will never go out with you!
Well its up to Laura to decide.
Fuck that, Pip. They stare at each other, poised to kill. And then the screaming match
begins.
Fucking English bastard, Laura will never love you, she loves me!
Yeah, then why did she break up with you?
Mere technicality.
STOP YOU GUYS! No reaction. Oh, theyre both so head over heels for me but wont
listen to a thing I say? YEAH. THAT MAKES PERFECT SENSE.
A screaming match? Couldnt they have done something more manly, like
fight for you?
Yeah yeah! I like that idea! FIGHT. FIGHT. FIGHT! Fight for my
bitchs heart! MWAHAHAHA!
Well, theyre not going to stop. I might as well just let them settle this finally. While
theyre doing that, Ill be walking home.
I walk away, leaving them to their petty disagreement. Well, not petty since its about
me, Laura Mae. Im super awesome cool.
The frozen grass on the front lawn crunches under my feet. Over the noise of the party I
can just barely hear someone screaming out my name. Its Emily.
LIKE LAURA! Kaity and Kyle just like broke up! I like need your help! She clutches
my arm and drags me back into the house.
Great.
Up the stairs and in the third room on the left, Kaitys crumpled in a ball, sobbing on the
bed. Dereks standing in the corner.
Derek? Whats he doing in here?
I walk over to Kaity. Hey, I whisper, Its all going to be okay.
You think so? Kyle props himself on his elbow and dries his tears.
I jump backwards in surprise. I thought you were Kaity! At the mention of her name he
falls back into the bed and the sobbing renews.
Damn Laura. You sure know how to make a guy feel fucking better! Derek yells.
I look at Emily. What the hell is this? I thought you needed me to help Kaity!
Oh like no. Shes like perfectly fine. Kyle moans in pain. I mean, like shes totally
like torn up about this. While saying this she shakes her head at me.
Kyle, what happened? Tell me why Kaity broke up with you? Tell me so I can beat her
ass for not telling me she was doing this in the first place!
I DONT KNOW! he whines. I thought we were in love! We were going to MAKE
BABIES TOGETHER! He rolls away from me and punches the bed feebly.
Think Kyle! She must have said something to you!
He turns back towards me. YIKES! His eyelids are swollen and tears are streaming down
his cheeks. Sh-she did say something.
What was it?
K-K-Kai he takes a breath-sob and cries out, SHE SAID I HAVE A TINY COCK!
In defeat, he drops his head into the pillow.
Emily snorts. Well, thats like no reason to like break up with someone.
EMILY! Thats not helping right now! I gesture at Kyle, who is now attempting to rip
the pillow up with his teeth.
Derek sighs, Why does he always do that?
Stupid Kaity. Why would she break up with Kyle on Valentines Day? Actually, why
would she break up with him? Shes crazy about him! This makes no sense.
I need some air.
I rush out of the room and work my way downstairs. Before I can reach the foyer, Im
jostled around and pushed into the kitchen.
I stumble and someone catches me. Oh, hey Chester.
But I am shoved again through another room.
I scramble for the nearest door and crash into a couple making out on a washing machine.
Ugh, gross! Im in Dereks laundry room. His dirty underwear have been in here. I have been
where his underwear have been! So uncool.
This last door better be it, and sure enough, Im in the foyer. So close to freedom!
Lunging for the door, I hear it. A scream rips through the crowd, attracting the attention
of even the most deeply engulfed couple. Everyone stops to stare at Emily. Shes pointing her
finger accusingly at someone.
On my tiptoes, I can just barely see her pointing at Kaity.
LIKE YOU SLUT! Whoa. Someone needsI meanI need to intervene before this
gets out of hand.
Abandoning my escape plan, I push through the crowd and come face to face with the
situation.
I really wish I hadnt, because in front of me stands Emily, Kaity, and Cody. Kaitys hair
is ruffled up and Cody, well, his hands are wrapped around her waist. Its obvious they were just
making out.
Kaity was making out with by ex-boyfriend, the boy I totally still have feelings for!
That that SLUT!
Cody smiles at me smugly, Kaity doesnt seem fazed by my presence, and Emily hasnt
noticed.
Emily continues, Like what is your problem? You cant just like make mouth fuck with
Lauras ex-boyfriend! Mouth fuck, oh god. She really doesnt understand that expression.
What? Its not like Laura cares, she broke up with him! Kaity glances at me for
reassurance, but I give none.
Like seriously? Are you like dumb? She like still cares about him! Its like so obvious.
If you werent like wrapped up in your stupid life you would have like seen that! Kaity turns to
me confused, and Codys smug smile is gone.
Laura, come on. You dont actually care? She begs more than asks.
No. No, I dont care. She smiles relieved, but she shouldnt be. I dont care because
neither of you matter to me.
Laura you dont mean that!
I MEAN WHAT I SAY YOU BUST DOWN TWO CENT MACHINE! Holy crap.
A collective murmur runs through the crowd. They, and I, are surprised by my outburst.
Pent up aggression, yeah?
I think now is the time for me to leave. And sure enough, the gathering of people parts as
I make my way for the door.
I walk out into the night and breathe in the freezing air.
I hate Valentines Day.

Chapter 16

Damn

Damn.
Damn. Damn. Damn. Damn. Damn. Damn. Damn. Damn. Damn. Damn. Damn. Damn.
Damn. Damn. Damn. Damn. Damn. Damn. Damn. Damn. Damn. Damn. Damn. Damn. Damn.
Damn. Damn. Damn. Damn. Damn. Damn. Damn. Damn. Damn. Damn. Damn. Damn. Damn.
Damn. Damn. Damn. Damn. Damn. Damn. Damn. Damn.
Laura! You need to stop! Cheer up!
Ugh. This is so depressing. Please just go out and screw someone to
get back at Cody.
NO! I dont want to get back at anyone! I want them all to die.
Im cool with that too.
No! Thats wrong! We need to forgive Kaity. She wasnt thinking clearly.
She and Kyle had just broken up! Im sure she was reeling from that traumatic
experience.
Reeling? From the fucking traumatic experience? She dumped
him! Bitch knew what she was doing.
I agree. That bitch is a bitch.
That wasnt exactly what I was trying to say, but yes! Bitches be
bitches.
Im lying in bed the next day. Life is totally sucking right now. Kaity is now my ex best
friend, and there is no chance of getting back with Cody.
Why was he such a dick? Correction: why is he such a dick? Emily and Derek were both
right, I was so sad. And it was so obvious I hadnt stopped liking Cody. Jeez. Why couldnt he
just see it?
Instead he went and shoved his tongue down my best, my ex-best friends throat who was
also an ex-girlfriend of his friend.
Thats just wrong on so many levels!
So right. He knows how to have a good time. Dicks got balls.
The unintentional accuracy of that statement horrifies me.

Im sitting in gym class, the next day, thinking about how stupid I am for even being sad
about Cody or Kaity. They dont even deserve to be in my thoughts.
And yet, Im thinking about them right now. Crap.
Time to reenter reality, an idea I truly dread. Emily and Joe are sitting next to me, not
talking: just looking at each other.
Totally weird.
So, how are you guys doing? I ask.
Emily shrugs her shoulders, and Joe says, Im doing well. You?
Absolutely fine! Emily looks at me worried. Seriously guys. Life is going rather
swimmingly. Right now even breathing hurts.
I MEAN NOT! Ha ha ha?
Thats surprising, Joe says. I thought youd be curled up in a ball and crying your eyes
out. Psh. No. I did that yesterday. Especially since Kaity and Cody are now a couple.
WHAT THE HELL? I thought they were its not DAMN!
Hey you lazy asses! Dr. Torso screams at us. Is he allowed to call us that? Get off that
floor and start moving otherwise itll be two extra laps for each of you!
DAMN! WHATEVER BITCH.
We push ourselves up and join the kids jogging laps. How lame is this crap.
So, so theyre dating now? Emily nods. This is totally preposterous!
Yeah, like they decided it like after you left the party. It was like totally bogus. And then
they like made mouth fuck in one of the like guest rooms.
Emily, its called making out.
No, Laura, they like seriously made mouth fuck. No they didnt! I look to Joe, and he
nods in sad agreement.
Backstabbing whore! Kaity is super dead to me now.
Laura, like dont think about it too much. Its like not worth it.
Dont worry about it Emily. I wont think about at all.

Damn Kaity and Cody. Stupid shitfaces.
Im sitting in study hall fuming about what has happened. Thank god cooking and drama
were only a semester classes; otherwise Id be strangling that little shit, Cody, right now. I cant
believe I dated such an ass!
I need some space, so I ask for a bathroom pass and head for an empty stairwell.
I have no explanation for this. Kaity is being an awful friend, but you
should still forgive her. Harboring these feelings does nothing for you.
I applaud that bitch for her lack of feelings, but nobody messes
with my girl. Lets curb stomp this bitch. She doesnt deserve to breathe!
Laura? someone calls from upstairs. Oh god, I seriously hope it not a teacher. I cant
deal with a detention right now.
But its not. Its Warren.
Hey, he says, coming down the stairs and stopping next to me. I heard what happened.
That sucks. Codys a huge git, and Kaity is an arse.
Uh, yeah. Thanks for reminding me. Douche.
He sits next to me. Listen, Laura, dont, dont dwell on it. Do people think saying that
is actually going to make it happen? Move on, youre much better than this.
I dont respond so he continues talking. I know you. Youre a strong person, why are
you letting some guy let you feel this bad? Hes right about that You need to rise up and be
the spunky confident girl I know you are.
YEAH! I jump off the step and, hell, Im beginning to feel like my old self! Why do I
need to feel sad? Theres absolutely no reason!
Warren stands up next to me and smiles. Were so close and hes glancing at my lips.
The distance is closing, the temperature is rising, my breathing is becoming ragged, and Im
dreading the moment when we kiss.
Dreading?
I pull away and gasp. Why was I dreading the kiss?
Too soon? he asks. I nod my head because thats the only reason that makes sense. Its
not that Im not attracted to him. God, just those muscles and the way his hair just shines
those eyes.
I just cant kiss him, not now. I cant kiss anyone for a little while. It would be too much
to handle.
Warren, I have to get back to class. Ill see you around.
I flee the stairwell and go back to class. Life is just too damn crazy.

Two weeks pass by in a blur.
Who would have suspected that Kaity and Cody would still be together? Seriously, they
are still dating. And Im alright with that. Im even happy they found each other because they are
a perfect couple. Both of them are complete heartless assholes. I dont think theres a better
match anywhere.
I have been spending more time with Warren lately. We are now friends and thankfully
there has been no attempt at kissing again.
Thankfully? Bitch, puh-lease, you cannot wait for him to put
the moves on you. You want him bad.
It is still far too soon to start dating again. You must refrain from
entering a relationship, as it may end up just being a rebound.
How can she rebound if she DONT CARE! Oh damn. Gotcha
motha fucka.
Warren and I are just friends FOR NOW!
I like being his friend. Hes nice and listens. Unlike Emily, who is always busy and never
has time with me. I mean, come on. Im her bffl: I should get all of her time.
But she has been disappearing a lot lately. If shes not with me, I just cant seem to find
her! And half of the time I get with her, Joe is there. He is cramping my style. Its bullshit.
Laura! my mother barges into my room looking disheveled. You need to get out of the
house.
What? Mom?
Please! I completely forgot I invited the book club over today, and its supposed to be a
child free zone.
Im not a child! Wait, what about the others?
I sent them to the mall with Mirranda.
Why couldnt I just go with them?
Because I forgot you were here! Now get out! She slams the door. Great. Im getting
kicked out of my own house. I have nowhere to go. And my own mother forgot about me. How
tragic.
I grab my jacket, throw on my shoes, and leave. These book club meetings usually last
only four hours, so it shouldnt be too bad.
Who am I kidding? Its so cold out. My teeth are chattering already, and Ive only made
it down the block. There has to be somebody I can visit.
But I know there isnt. Emily is AWOL, and Warren is busy helping his dad at work. I
cant talk to Kaity or Cody. Im out of options.
Unless Kyle! He has to be super pissed at Kaity! Hanging out with me is probably on
his list of things to do! It would be a perfect way to get back at her! And it would be a good way
for me to make Cody angry, NOT THAT I CARE.
Unfortunately, Kyle lives two miles away from me. Im not walking that far in this
weather and theres only one other person that lives close to me.
DEREK!
No!
Yes! Its perfect! Kyle is probably there anyways! And Derek is totally cool with me,
although, thats probably because Im a girl not because he likes me as a person
Who cares!
The walk to his house takes less than seven minutes. I cannot wait to feel the warmth of
central heating.
I ring the doorbell and hear footsteps inside the house. Open up already! Its got to be
below zero out here.
The door opens and Derek looks me up and down. Well, well, well, look what the cats
dragged in.
Hello Derek. Dick.
What is Miss Laura Mae doing here? Hm? I wonder
Are you going to invite me in or what? He steps aside and indicates for me to come
into his house. Thank the gods. I can already feel myself thawing out.
Interesting, he mumbles. What could possibly motivate you to come here? Revenge?
Trying to get back at Cody and Kaity? Lust? Cant resist the temptation of having a piece of
this? He gestures to his body.
Ugh. You wish. He grins wickedly and raises an eyebrow.
Wish what exactly?
What a sick bastard. Look, I just came here because my mother forced me out of the
house for her book club. I needed someplace to stay warm, and you just happen to have the best
heating system in a five mile radius. Its probably more like a 100 mile radius. Damn, Im hot
already.
Huh. So thats where my mother went off to He looks at me and sighs. Alright, you
can stay. Kyle, Kevin, and Jesika are already here. Follow me. He leads me down into the
basement where everyone is sitting around.
Yo, bitches. I got a surprise! Derek gestures at me. One Codys ex coming right in!
He begins clapping and hooting. Yeah, thats cool.
Hey guys, I say. They look at me skeptically. So whats up?
Kevin answers, Nothing.
Im so bored and lonely, Kyle moans. Jesus. Hes still depressed about Kaity? Jesika,
why dont you just go out with me? Jesikas face twists into an expression of repulsion, oh wait,
thats just how she normally looks.
Derek walks up to Kyle and kicks him in the side. IDIOT! Rule number one: do not date
other members of the crew! How many fucking times do I have to tell you?
But Kaity!
DONT GIVE A FUCK. And Derek kicks Kyle again, who just rolls of the couch and
slumps on the floor. Derek sits down and does nothing.
I look at all of them. Theyre doing absolutely nothing.
Tentatively, I take a seat on the opposite side of the couch and wait. Five minutes pass
with the biggest event being Kevin sneezing.
Sure, I am warm and comfortable, but this is just mind-blowingly boring. They arent
even watching television or playing a video game. Jesika is examining her muscles, Derek is just
zoning, Kevin is squirming uncomfortably, and Kyle hasnt moved from his position on the
floor.
Whats the matter with all of you? I finally say. I cant take this anymore! You guys
are boring. Wheres that ol razzle dazzle? What the fuck am I even saying?
Thats it, when we get back home Im teaching you some MODERN
FUCKING LANGUAGE.
Jesika looks at me as if Ive just killed her family. Excuse me? Its your fault were
fucking like this. If you hadnt broken up with Cody this wouldnt be fucking happening!
My fault?
Yeah! Kaity wouldnt be able to go out with him if he wasnt single!
Well maybe if he wasnt such an asshole
You turned him into one!
Thats enough, girls, Derek says. We cant blame Laura for breaking up with Cody;
he was going to do it anyways.
Excuse me? Cody was going to dump me? Derek nods. On what grounds?
Fucks if I know.
Kyle finally moves. He rolls onto his back and sighs. What does it matter anymore?
Love, life, everything is fleeting. We are blind beggars groping the darkness in endless pursuit of
unattainable dreams.
What the fuck? Derek jumps of the couch. What the FUCK? WHAT THE FUCK?
WHAT. THE. ACTUAL FUCK.
Get off the floor you slimy piece of shit. For too long I have let you sit the fuck around,
whining about some used up pussy. Get on your fucking feet and out into the world. It is time
you fondle virginal breasts that wait fondling, see things that fathers would kill you for seeing,
go spelunking where no man has gone spelunking before! And by spelunking, I mean fuck
chicks.
Kyle pushes himself off the floor and stands up straight, the first time hes done since the
breakup. Head held high, he says, Dont mind if I do! Swagger back, he leaves, presumably to
fuck chicks.
Derek yawns and stretches, somehow flexing all his muscles at the same time. Well,
now that hes gone its just us two boys and you two girls
Jesika leans over and punches him in the balls. He crumples to the floor in pain. Shut the
fuck up, Derek.
DAMN YOU BITCH! THE FAMILY JEWELS! ARGH!


















Chapter 17

Pip and Me

Im sitting with Warren out in the courtyard after school. Its still cold out, but Ive got
him next to me for warmth. Oh yeah!
He smiles down at me, and my heart just stops. I think Im falling for him all over again.
That damn smile of his. Its so charming. What girl can resist?
Theres nothing better than just chillingliterallywith this handsome boy, sharing a
moment. Neither of us has said anything. The silence doesnt need to be filled. Its completely
comfortable.
It was never like this with Cody. That ass.
Almost a month since we broke up, three weeks since he started dating Kaity, and I cant
seem to get him out of my head. Why? I cant stand the sight of him. Even the mention of his
name curdles my blood.
Warren nudges me with his shoulder. Whats on your mind? You look pissed.
Seeing as I cant say, Oh Im just thinking of Cody, I shrug.
Come on, theres got to be something on your mind.
Just just thinking about homework. Just just thinking about MY EX-
BOYFRIEND. Oh no!
You and your homework. He shakes his head, amused. Honestly, its not that big of a
deal. There are worse things in life. Like thinking about ex-boyfriends? WHAT? Who would do
that?
Ha. Yeah, I guess youre right. I shiver. Even warm Warren isnt cutting it.
Do you want a ride home? I guess he noticed, and theres really no reason to sit out
here anymore, so I accept.
We get into his car, and he blasts the heat on full. Oh wonderful warm air.
Laura, you dont have to answer this question, I realize it might be kind of awkward, but
well, I was wondering if perhaps you what I mean to say is Hes clenching the wheel in a
death grip. His whole body is tense.
Warren. Spit it out.
Are you over Cody and everything that happened? Are you ready to move on?
I look over at him. Are you asking me out?
No! I mean, only if you yes. Yes I am, if youre ready.
Considering I was just thinking about Cody, Yes. Im ready. He smiles and relaxes.
Laura, will you be my girlfriend? He pulls up to the curb in front of my house and
looks at me, eyes full of wonder and happiness.
Yes! And then we meet in a kiss that is long overdue.

I stumble into my house, feeling absolutely wonderful. I feel like exploding from this
feeling! Its so awesome!
Bursting into the kitchen, I exclaim, Im going out with Warren!
My younger siblings stare at me, and my mother says, Be back by nine!
Idiots. No, guys. Im going out with him. No response. HES MY BOYFRIEND!
That should get a reaction out of them.
And it does. My mother turns to me in surprise. Oh honey! Im so happy for you! Hes
such a nice boy!
Josh laughs. Ive heard this before. Alexandra and Paul high-five him. What a funny
little kid. Im going to get him later.
And how long did that one last? Alexandra jokes, two weeks, right?
Whoa now, Paul says, Lets not exaggerate!
Ha ha, I deadpan. You guys should go into standup. And Im going to my room.
Upstairs, I call Emily and tell her the good news.
Oh Im like so excited for you! Laura, its like wonderful!
I know! Im so happy.
But what about like Cody?
Cody? Whats she asking about Cody for? What does this have to do with Cody? Cody
is not the one Im going out with. Cody is lame. Why do I keep thinking about Cody?
Yeah, like your ex-boyfriend? The guy youre like not totally over.
I SO am! Psh. What?
Like, I know, I just like said that.
I MEANT I AM OVER HIM! Come on woman. You know this! How many times do
I have to tell you? How many times do I have to tell myself?
Fine, but you like totally stare at him like all of lunch.
Th-that is such a lie! Its not all of lunch, just parts. Its just a couple of glances, you
know, to remind myself how much he sucks.
Is like not! I dont like lie! Except about that secret boyfriend I am totally sure she has.
I just need to to find out who it is! Then he wouldnt be a secret anymore!
Look, can you just be happy for me? I like Warren! Okay! I really like him, and Im not
going to do anything that would intentionally hurt him!
I am like happy for you! But I like got to go. Theres some noise in the background
someones talking its a boy!
EMILY! Dont you hang up! Ive caught you red-handed, you little sneaky blonde.
Who is with you?
Oh! Like Laura, its just Joe.
Huh. Alright. See ya. I thought it was her secret boyfriend. Maybe Ill catch her with
him some other time.
A girl can dream, cant she?

Im walking the hallways during lunch a week later because Warren is out with the
stomach flu. Life is pretty good right now. Nothing can bring me down!
Someone grabs me by the arm and twists me around. RAPIST! HOLY CRAP. IM
GONNA DIE!
Cody? Hes glaring at me, face red, enraged about something obviously. What the
hell? I yank myself away. Ew. He touched me.
There was a time when you would have liked for him to touch
you.
Why dont you just shut up?
Youre dating Warren? YOURE DATING WARREN?
Calm down! Yes, Im dating Warren.
How how could you be dating him?
What kind of question is that? Am I not allowed to date people now? Is this not
America, the land of the free? Why does it matter to you anyways? Youre dating Kaity! Suck
on that, bitch.
Laura, that is not even the point! You know I only dated her to piss you off, which better
be the reason youre dating Warren.
To piss myself off? No, its not.
No! To piss me off! Its working! Im furious! Happy?
I laugh. Ill admit, seeing you angry is gratifying, in a disturbing way, but, its just a
wonderful little bonus. Im dating Warren because I actually like him. And using Kaity to get
back at me? Thats low, way lower than I ever thought youd stoop. Do you even know what
kind of pain you put Kyle through? Isnt he supposed to be your friend?
ARGH! he turns and slams his fists against a locker. I wasnt thinking, ok! I just, I
saw you talking to Chester at Dereks Valentines Day party, and I was jealous. I thought the
best way to make you jealous was to date someone, and Kaity was there.
Genius Cody. You are incredibly brilliant.
Laura, dont you see? Im the one that really cares about you! I even broke up with
Kaity. Its over. Come back to me.
Is this a joke?
Like I said, dicks got balls.
Oh this is just awful! What will Warren think if he hears about this? Oh
no. I cant even bear to imagine it.
Eat shit and die, ass-cock. I turn and walk away, but he jumps in front of me.
Alright, Ive been an ass-cock whatever that is but I can change. Just let me prove it
to you. I promise Ill be a good person. Give me a chance; just let me be your friend.
No. No. No. No. No!
I honestly have no opinion. If youre his friend, hey, maybe get
some extra loving on the side. But you may lose Warren, and Ill be
honest, I think you might actually go all the way with him, and Im
hoping that it happens.
I want to say no to him, so very badly, but seeing him pleading makes me want to
grind his dreams into a powdery dust in a cruel way, so just a simple no wont do.
Cody let me think about it no.
Laura, I beg of you.
Well, since youre begging no.
He grabs me by the shoulder; I can feel the earnestness in his grip. Please do not mess
with me, his voice is a desperate whisper. I need a straight answer.
I I think its still no.
LAURA! He pulls me in close, nose to nose, he stares me in the eyes. Hes got the
crazy in them! Please!
Alright, we can be friends. He starts dancing in excitement. And since were friends,
you can help me by carrying all my books. I take my backpack off and throw it at him. He looks
at me stunned. Yay for being friends! I say mockingly.

Warren smiles at me across the table. In the candlelight, he looks absolutely delicious. I
could jump across the table and eat him up. But I cant because were in public on a very fancy
date that he is paying for.
Kaching!
Did I ever tell you about my vacation in the tropics? he asks.
No, you didnt! How was it?
He launches into a detailed description. I love it. Hes so knowledgeable. Every time
were together I learn something new about the world and something new about him. Hes a little
puzzle, and every day Im fitting another piece in its place.
A movement behind him catches my attention. A young couple is walking up to the
restaurant. Theyre look just lovely through the window if a little blurry. The woman is
dressed up in a blue cocktail dress and the man with a matching tie. Im admiring her jewelry,
when she comes out from behind the windows.
Its Emily!
But I cant see who shes with. It must be her secret boyfriend.
I need to see who he is, but hes not coming in yet, and I cant just leave my seat. What
would Warren think?
I glance at him. He hasnt noticed that Im not paying attention, in fact, hes rambling on
about politics or some shit.
Finally secret boyfriend walks in, but at the same time, the table in front of me stands up
blocking my view. Shit!
Warren is still blabbering on. How attentive he is! NOT.
As inconspicuously as possible, I inch my chair to the left, hoping to catch just a glimpse
of this mystery boy. Im straining my neck I almost have the right angle
Laura? What are you doing? Warren is staring at me. Are you even paying attention to
what Im saying?
Hell no, not when youre talking about politics. Yes, yes. I was just I thought I saw
someone I knew. I was wrong. Please continue. Please, shut up.
Oh well, I was saying that the GOP has one of the worst UH. DONT CARE.
I nod my head, but Im not listening. I cant see Emily anymore, that stupid group is still
blocking my view, and I cant even adjust my position because Warren will definitely notice. My
leg bounces impatiently. This is unbearable.
Finally, an opening! BUT NO! Theyre being led to the other side of the restaurant.
Stupid partition. Stupid host. Stupid everything.
Honestly, Laura, if you want to talk about something else, just say so. Was he still
talking?
I smile weakly at him. You know youre the best, right?
So Ive been told.
But right now, hes totally sucking. How am I going to see Emilys date if Im stuck
here? I need a reasonthe bathroom! Brilliant.
Warren, please excuse me while I use the ladies room. I bolt before he can respond.
Unfortunately, the bathroom is located between the two halves of the restaurant, so I
cant see anything, but I can slip over. First, however, I need to check my makeup.
I look at myself in the mirror. Yeah, I look hot. No wonder Warren was complimenting
me the entire car ride here. But my vanity is not the most important thing right now: I must
unmask the secret boyfriend.
Just slightly, I open the bathroom door and peer out. Warren is busy on his cellphone.
Good. I slip over to the other side.
If Emily sees me Im screwed. I need a place to hide.
Theres an empty table just a few feet away. I scramble to it, and pull the menu up in
front of my face. Its the perfect disguise.
I scan the room and see Emily sitting in a booth. Damn. I can only see the top of secret
boyfriends head. Such great luck.
What will you be ordering tonight, maam? Maam? How old does this waiter think I
am?
Um I still need to decide.
May I suggest the house specialty, onion soup?
No you may not, but go right ahead anyways. Look, I just need a few minutes. He
points his nose up in disdain and walks away. What a dick.
I look over at Emily, shes laughing and having a great time. I need to get closer, to at
least hear what theyre talking about.
But I need to get back to Warren. I drop the menu and hurry back to him.
I was thinking about getting a desert, he says as I sit down. At least hes not
commenting on how long I was gone. What about a hot fudge brownie sundae?
Sounds yummy. Sounds like its going straight to my hips.
Oh! I was meaning to ask. How did your math test My phone interrupts him. This is
embarrassing.
Shit. Im sorry, I have to get this. I run back to the bathroom. Hello?
Hey Laura, its Cody.
CODY? What the hell man? Im on a date!
Im sorry; I wouldnt call you if it wasnt an emergency. No one can find Kyle. Have
you seen him? Do you know where he is?
No. Do I look like his mother? Why are you looking for him anyways? Isnt he refusing
to talk to you?
Well, yes. But hes still my bro. Besides, he was supposed to show up at Dereks house,
but he completely bailed. We tried his cell, but its off. His mother doesnt know where he is. I
called Kaity on the off-chance he had gone to her, but no luck. I was hoping maybe hed come to
you. He always seemed to trust you.
Cody, I have no idea where the kid is. He could be
Its not possible!
HOLY SHIT. HOLY FUCKING SHIT! NO WAY.
Could he and Emily? No. They couldnt be together. Its not possible!
We we already went through this. They they werent together! It was
a mistake! Emily would never
Oh this is classic. Im fucking loving this.
He could be what, Laura?
Anywhere. I hang up my phone. Slowly, I open the bathroom door and walk over to
Emily. Please dont be what I think it is. Just dont let the secret boyfriend be Kyle.
Im only a few feet away when Emily notices me. Her face is ashen. I just know it has to
be Kyle. I can see his stupid blonde hair above the booth.
Finally, I reach them. I look at him and its Joe?
But wheres Kyle?
Hey Laura! he says. Emily and I were just having a nice night out. Are you here with
Warren?
Uhhhhhhhhhhhhh yeah Its just Joe. Oh thank god. Sorry to bother you two.
Its like okay. We just like got bored and decided to like get dinner! She smiles at me a
little nervously.
Sounds like fun. Im going to get back to my date. You guys have fun. Feeling like a
complete idiot, I walk away. I cant believe I thought she was dating Kyle, but even worse, I
cant believe I thought shed take her secret boyfriend out in public. Hes secret for a reason.
DUH.
Again I go back to Warren. So, who was calling? Your mother? Does she not trust me?
Hes smiling at me playfully.
Warren, my mother is practically in love with you. And no it wasnt her, it was Cody.
Crap. I havent told Warren about being Codys friend yet.
He puts his drink down slowly and takes a deep breath. Cody?
Cory. I totally said Cory. You know, Cory, my older brother. My older brother who
never calls me. Ever.
Warren folds his hands and lays them gently on his lap. Thats his pissed off signal. He
definitely knows Im lying.
Cody? Youre talking to Cody again. Your ex-boyfriend?
Whats ex-boyfriend mean anyway? Its just some stupid label. I grab my water and
down it. Until this moment I have never wished that I was old enough to drink alcohol, but if
there was a time to begin, its now.
Did he accidentally call you?
No point in lying now. No.
Is this the first time youve talked to him?
Yes and no. His eyes meet mine and he waits for me to continue. Its the first time
Ive talked to him on the phone.
Youve talked to him in person, though.
Honesty is the best policy, right? Yes, I have.
And you didnt think to mention this to me? I am your boyfriend Laura. If youre going
to talk to your ex, you should at least let me know.
So my whole life is under your scrutiny now? Excuse me, but I have to uncross my legs
now, is that okay with you?
Laura, I dont mean it like that.
Its what it feels like it. Im your girlfriend, not your property. I can talk to whoever I
want.
A little update would have been appreciated!
Theres no point arguing about it. Im talking to him, and its final. I cross my arms and
lean back in my seat. CONVERSATION OVER.
He sighs and signals for the bill. Lets go. This night is ruined now.
Ouch.

Chapter 18

March Madness

Im sitting in lunch with Emily and Joe, Warren isnt here because we hes still angry
about the Cody thing.
Whatever.
Joes explaining the finer points of Fight-World-Master-Dungeon-Dude, otherwise
known as FWMDD.
totally complex, and I havent even touched the work that goes into orchestrating a
full scale battle. Its mind boggling how many rules
Joe, Im going to like have to stop you there, Emily says as she pats him gently on the
arm. We have to like tell Laura.
Tullmewha? I ask mouth full of yummy doughnut.
Emily looks Joe in the eyes, as if shes asking for support. She opens her mouth, but
nothing comes out.
Kaity called Emily yesterday, Joe says.
I barely manage to swallow my food. What? Emily nods. Well, what did she say?
WHAT DID THE BITCH SAY?
Shes like sorry. I think that like maybe you should give her like a chance.
A chance to do what? Hey Laura, totally sorry Im a backstabbing bitch. Lets be
friends, yeah? I dont think so.
Like its just a thought.
Its a stupid one Emily. Im not forgiving her. She can rot in hell as far as I care.
But you like, forgave Cody.
Oh, the bitch has got you there! You cant just tell her the only
reason youre friends with him is so you can get a piece of his juicy ass.
That is so not the reason for forgiving him! He deserved a second chance third chance?
Or is this his fourth? Damn it.
Its different Emily, totally is, for some reason. Come on Kaity she was supposed
to be my best friend. There are things you just dont do as a best friend, and she broke the rules. I
cant just forgive her.
I stand up and gather my things. And Emily, dont talk to me about her again. I dont
want to hear it, and if you cant respect my decisions, then maybe we should take a break from
each other. Before she can respond, I walk away. I need some space.
The courtyard is empty because the weather is still cold. Luckily, Im wearing a sweater,
take that, punks.
I settle down at one of the picnic tables and pick up where my lunch left off. Beautiful
doughnut. How yummy are you? SO VERY.
Now, if only you were chocolate and not powdered
Hey Laura. Crap. Its Cody. What is he doing out here?
Hi.
So, he sits down across from me, how are you doing? How very small-talk of him!
Im impressed.
Same as always. Actually, Joe just told me some disturbing news: Kaity wants me to
forgive her.
Thats great!
GREAT? What is wrong with people today? Cody, I dont want to be her friend. Do I
have to explain this TO EVERYONE?
I just figured since youd forgiven me that youd forgive Kaity too.
No. I wont, and Im not going to talk about it with you of all people.
Whats that supposed to mean?
If you had even the tiniest bit of self-restraint, Kaity would have just rebounded with
someone else.
REBOUND? I am no rebound! She was MY rebound.
Well thats just pathetic.
Look whos talking!
You did not just imply that Warren is a rebound.
Huh, I think I just did.
I jump out of my seat and slam my hands on the table. Well, I got news for you buddy,
I jab my finger into his chest, pushing him back slightly, you are sorely mistaken.
FAT CHANCE.
The only thing fat in this whole conversation is your ego! Youre such an ass. I I
unforgive you! Thats totally a word right?
What? You cant do that.
Uh, I think I just did. So long, loser. For the second time today, I gather my stuff and
leave.

After school Im sitting in Warrens car as he drives me home.
He pulls up to my house and cuts the engine. Warren, I told you I cant stay, hes
always being so playful and stealing my time, I really need to go in. I unhook the seat belt and
then start to turn towards the door, but he grabs my wrist, lightly but still with conviction.
It will just take a few minutes, please. I relax back into my seat and look at him. I saw
you talking to Cody today at lunch. I wanted to talk to you, but Emily said you had gotten in a
fight with her. Thats when I saw you entering the courtyard. I followed but so did Cody. He
didnt notice me, but I saw him.
Warren
Just, let me finish! Alright! Its definitely someones time of the month. And I dont
mean me. I dont want you talking to him. I dont like the way he looks at you.
I told you that I will talk to whoever I want.
You can talk to anyone except Cody.
Thats bullshit! Youre not my keeper.
Look, Im your boyfriend, and I dont want you talking to him. He wants you.
I dont understand how that matters. Hes going to feel that way if I talk to him or not,
Warren!
He smacks his fists against the steering wheel. Hell try to convince you to leave me!
Hell woo you until you fall back under his spell.
Youre acting crazy. Well finish this conversation tomorrow. I open the car door and
step out.
He also gets out of the car and slams his door. No! he walks around and steps in front
of me. Were finishing it today. You will not talk to Cody anymore. Im not losing you to that
cheeky bastard.
Oh you dont have to worry about that! Were through and its all your fault! I storm
past him but stop halfway up the lawn.
I turn back around; hes staring after me, stunned. Just so you know, I already decided to
stop talking to Cody. This conversation was just a matter of principle, ass-fuck. No one tells
Laura Mae what to do. I am my own person.

I leave my house later that night to go for a walk. I dont know where Im going, and I
dont care.
The only sound of life outside is my breathing. Its unnerving.
I cant believe what happened today. Kaity wants to be my friend again? I dont think so.
What she did is unforgiveable. How can we regain that sense of trust there once was? She
destroyed everything our friendship meant to me.
And Cody? He has no right to advise me on my relationships. He fucks Nancy, dates
Kaity, hurts Kyle, and he still believes that he knows more than me. Something screwy is going
on in his stupid little brain.
Im not the paradigm of relationship success, but Im not such a loser that I would have to
take his advice. That would be sad.
Today was just pure madness.
I think theres something youre ignoring Laura.
Something really fucking big.
Nope. Ive covered everything of importance.
-cough- WARREN cough-
Alright! Fine, Im totally ignoring the breakup. But what can I say? The dumb English
kid tried to tie me down and tell me what to do. It didnt work. Its over.
The sun is now beginning to set, and Im out on the streets. I need to get inside before the
temperature drops and the creeps start trolling, looking for unsuspecting victims.
LIKE ME!
Trixies ice cream parlor is just up the street, so Ill go there.
The bell jingles when I open the door. The employee behind the counter turns, and our
eyes lock. The person looks at me astonished, glasses askew, hair rumpled
Its Chester again.
We stand there, frozen. There hasnt been any contact since Valentines Day, which was
pretty awkward.
Finally he smiles and says, Hi.
Hey. I take my coat off and grab a seat at the counter. Isnt it a bit cold outside to be
selling ice cream?
Tell that to the crowd. Jokingly, he gestures at the empty room. One at a time, please!
Form a line!
Our eyes meet again. Its uncomfortable so I look away. You were always joking in
biology, remember?
He gives a short sad laugh. Yeah, good times.
Do remember when you made all those paper cranes and then just left them in the
hallways? I was finding them for weeks after! Or that time you threw little balls of paper at the
back of Carols head and the entire class she couldnt figure out who it was? This kid was so
funny!
You you remember?
Of course. He stares at me, gaping.
I just, I didnt think you did. Our eyes meet again, and I cant stand it. I heard youre
going out with Warren. He knows about that? We dont even run in the same circles. You look
surprised.
Well, yeah.
Hes all anyone and everyone can talk about. English guys, they must be irresistible.
Hardly. He cocks his head and gives me a perplexed look. We broke up earlier today.
Im sorry to hear that.
Oh, dont be. I keep my gaze fixed on the counter in front of me. I can feel his eyes on
me, and if I meet them, Ill get that weird feeling again that awful regretful feeling that just turns
my stomach into mush.
I I should go.
Its dark outside. Are you sure you dont want to stay a little while? My shift ends in
thirty minutes; I can give you a ride home.
Thanks, but Ill just call my mom. I leave without looking back.
That kid, he just I cant explain. Why do I feel so bad every time I see him?
I cant take it! WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU? Hes just
some guy that gets beat up because of you. Poor Chester! GET THE FUCK
OVER IT.
Laura, its okay to feel! It shows that youre human and you care.
It shows that shes a pussy!
It shows that SHES HUMAN!
PUSSY!
HUMAN!
Both of you SHUT UP! Im going home.

LIKE LAURA! Emily calls out to me a week later. School just let out, and I want to
get my ass out of here. Like wait up!
What? I ask when she finally catches up. The girl is not fat, but damn is she slow as
shit.
I was just like, going to ask you if youd like WANT TO LIKE TALK TO KAITY!
She quickly steps to the side and theres Kaity, standing about five feet away, looking at me with
these big sad eyes.
That bitch! Im going to kill Emily for sideswiping me like this.
Kaity takes a few tentative steps towards me. Hey.
FORGET THIS SHIT! I turn to run, but Emily grabs me, refusing to let go. Wonderful.
Hello, I say curtly.
Kaity takes another little step forward. Im Im sorry.
You should be. OUCH! Emily just pinched me!
Like dont be a bitch Laura.
FINE. Thank you for apologizing Kaity. I shoot Emily a look of death, but she just
smiles smugly.
Kaity clears her throat. I wanted to explain what happened that night with Kyle and
Cody. Will you listen to me?
Doesnt look like I have much of a choice now, does it?
With a deep breath, she launches into her reasoning behind everything. Kyle was
becoming too clingy and possessive. She wanted something easy. If she had known at all that I
still cared about Cody there was no way she would have dated him. Shes sorry, shes sorry,
shes really sorry.
Laura, can you forgive me?
Can I? Hell no. Im going to say it right to her face, make the bitch cry.
But then I see Warren down the hall, chatting it up with Kathleen. Shes leaning in while
laughing, lightly touching his arm.
What a little shit!
And now it all makes perfect sense. I shouldnt be directing all my hateful energy
towards Kaity, she was just using Cody as a rebound and being her stupid self. This is a waste of
time. The only person that deserves my unbridled hatred is that bitch Kathleen.
Kaity, youre forgiven. Lets just make a promise not to date exes unless we ask first.
She nods her head in excited agreement. Cool. Well, Ill be catching up with you later; right
now I need to kick some skinny slut ass.
I break free of Emily and push past Kaity. Kathleen will die. I will kill her. And after Im
done with her, Ill kill Warren just because hes a little shit.
Im only ten feet away when someone steps out in front of me. Its Chester again.
I stop short, afraid to get too close. That feeling is already turning my insides to awful
mush.
I try to step around him, but he moves to block me. I move the other way, and again, he
stops me. Chester, let me pass. Why is he blocking me?
No.
I want to yell at him, but physically cant.
Ugh. Get away from him! This pain is killing me. I feel so awfully
awful. Its fucking with my head.
-sob- This world is so cruel! I just want to lie here and cry!
Chester, I need to get by.
I cant let you.
Why?
I I cant tell you why either. He looks me in the eyes, and my knees go weak. What a
horrific sensation.
Something grabs me by the arms and pulls me back. Its Kaity and Emily.
I dont like think so Laura. If you like go after Kathleen youll like get suspended.
Or you know, have the fuck beaten out of you, Kaity says.
I try to wrench myself out of their grip. But she must die! Must kill. Must destroy. I
WANT TO SEE HEADS ROLL.
They pin me against a locker. Laura, Emily says, youre like acting weird.
Shes acting mad.
Like seriously, calm down.
Theyre right; I need to think this through. I cant attack Kathleen like a wild animal in
school.
I need to socially sabotage her!
Laura, Kaity says, you need to let it go. Whatever anger you have towards Kathleen,
its not worth it. So what, she was talking to Warren. You know he only cares about you.
Remember that when you see her.
But, I want to make her suffer!
LIKE NO! Emily shakes me. We are like going to let her live her like stupid life. Like
okay? Lets just like focus on our own life, not like hers.
But
But like nothing!
FINE! I shrug them off and straighten my clothes. But for this to work, Im going to
need a distraction.
Emily smiles wickedly at me. Im like so glad you said that because I have like the
perfect idea!
Emily
No like seriously! This is going to blow like your mind! It is like the most perfect idea I
have ever like had!
I hate it when she says that.




























Chapter 19

April Showers
Bring Mae Flowers

Emilys great idea is to go on a road trip during Spring Break.
And Spring Break is now here, but guess who cant go.
Thats right. Me. I cant go on the road trip. Why youre wondering? Oh its simple. I
have to stay at home and watch my younger siblings. Thats right: life sucks.
Mirranda is out visiting college campuses with my mother and my father has to work. For
an entire week, I get stuck at home with four crazy children. Hu-fucking-zzah.
Laura, well like call you every night! I like promise! They decided to say goodbye to
me before they leave, just to rub it in. At least, thats what it feels like.
Emily jumps into the car and buckles up, brimming with excitement. Kaity sighs and
gives me a hug. I promise to not let her call and make you feel bad. Besides, it wont be as fun
without you.
Thanks Kaity, but I highly doubt that.
Sadly, they drive off, leaving me in the dust. Hello awesome Spring Break. NOT.
This sucks.

Theres no one left alive in this townno one worth talking to that is. The only two
people left are Cody and Kyle. They would make such good company.
Is that sarcasm I detect?
Not even stupid Jesika is here.
God my life is shit right now.
This doughnut isnt cheering me up, and its chocolate! If a chocolate doughnut doesnt
cheer me up, nothing will.
Horrified by myself, I throw it away and sit at the kitchen table.
DID YOU JUST FUCKING THROW THAT AWAY?
Oh no! Are you going to die? There must be something terribly wrong. Is
any part of you hurting that normally doesnt? Do you have any lumps? Are
you depressed?
Fuck, fuck, fuck. Youre going to die without ever getting laid.
This is fucking lame.
Im not dying! Everything is fine. Im just bored. Theres nothing to do in this stupid
town.
You could burn things to the ground.
I have a better idea! You could help Cody and Kyle become friends again!
It would be so beautiful to see those two talking.
Whoa. Thats totally fucking gay. You should definitely burn
things.
I think I like that ideahelping Cody and Kyle, that is. Its about time Kyle forgives
Cody. Their group has been really messed up lately. Ive seen Derek on numerous destruction
sprees the past week.
Doesnt he always do that?
He was by himself.
-GASP!-
The balance of the universe is entirely off, and its up to Laura Mae to restore it to the
natural order. If she cannot complete this daunting task in one weeks time, all will be lost. Will
she succeed in reuniting the estranged pair, or will the clock beat her and destroy earth as we
know it? Tune in next week to find out what happens on Sophomores Suck.
Wow.
Even I must admit that was pathetic.
Oh come on, I used to pretend my life was a television show all the time when I was
younger! Everyone thought it was cute when I narrated like that!
Yeah, it was cute when you were a fucking kid. Now its just sad. I
cannot fucking believe I am a part of you.
Whatever. Im just going to call Cody and Kyle to tell them to meet me at the mall
tomorrow.
Thats not going to work! They wont show up if the other is going!
Thats why I tell Cody I need to talk to him about our relationship and tell Kyle that
well what would he like? Hm I know, Ill tell him I know a girl that wants to screw him!
They both show up and TADA! Friends again!

Amazingly, it works. Theyve both promised to meet me at the food court tomorrow for
lunch. Im a genius!

Im at the mall in the food court, and Ive decided to hide in the shadows and wait for
them to show up. Hopefully, theyll see each other and strike up a conversation on their own.
If not, I will run in and clear everything up. Here comes Cody now.
Hes directly to the left of me, scanning the court. Good think I placed myself right
behind this fake bush: hell never see me.
His eyes lock on me, he waves, and starts coming for me. SHIT! I should not have worn
bright yellow today.
On the other side, directly to my right, Kyle appears, notices me, and starts walking over.
Im totally screwed.
Then they see each other and completely forget about me. Instead, they walk up to each
other, shoulders squared, chest out, fists clenched. I smell a bloodbath about to begin, and its
entirely my fault.
What are you doing here? Cody asks.
The mall doesnt belong to you, fucker, Kyle answers.
I liked the stuffed animal horse head you left in my bed last week.
Funny, youre sister said you shrieked like a scared little girl when you woke up, or is
that just because you are a little girl.
You can do better than that.
Says the douche that dated my sloppy seconds.
ALRIGHT! I step out and get between them. Dont talk about Kaity like that! And
you, Cody, have no right to be angry. Apologize for what you did!
Im not apologizing; hes supposed to forgive me. We were friends, asshole!
You dated my ex-girlfriend two minutes after she broke up with me. That isnt what
friends do, fucker.
Im going to kill you!
Id like to see you try!
STOP IT! I push them back. I turn to Kyle, If I can forgive Kaity, you can forgive
Cody. Hes sorry. RIGHT CODY?
Sure. Im sorry. I shoot him a look that says be sincere. Fine. I apologize for what I
did. I shouldnt have dated Kaity. I wasnt thinking clearly. I hope you can forgive me.
Bro Kyle looks at him amazed. Hug it out with me!
They push me out of the way and hug. Its so touching to see this. I cant believe I got
two friends back together!
And then Kyle pulls away and punches Cody in the face. Now, I can forgive you.
Cody wipes the small trickle of blood off his chin and punches Kyle in the face. And
now I can forgive you for going after my sister.
Kyle punches Cody again. Now I can forgive you for punching me.
Cody punches Kyle. Ditto, bitch.
I have a feeling this might go on for a while.

Im back at home, sitting on the couch, eating ice cream straight from the carton. Do I
care that this is incredibly unhygienic? Not one bit. Do I care that I will probably gain five
pounds? Dont count on it. Does life seem bleak and pointless?
Yes.
But thats ok, because I have this ice cream and a promise of cake for dessert.
I swear, if my dad does not pull through on that I will kill. I need me some cake.
Spring break is halfway over. Emily and Kaity are living it up on their stupid road trip.
Oh Laura, its like so totally lame. Like seriously, weve only been to like five parties and have a
ton of like awesome memories and stories. Like dont even be jealous.
Who am I kidding? Theyve probably been to more parties than that. Idiot. Its spring
break, theres continual partying.
But you dont want to be a part of that! Drinking, drugs, casual sex: its
awful and should be avoided.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME! Awful? Avoided? That shit is why life is
worth living. Gimme some crack. Gimme some sex. Im dying up in
here.
Just think about all the cool stuff theyre doing, and no I dont mean drinking and drugs,
or having sex.
Fuck shit.
I bet the guys are swarming them. Theyre probably getting a ton of free lunches and
dinners. And all the college kids drunk out of their mind, performing crazy antics, it must be
killer! I just want to see it!
The doorbell rings, so I have to stop my whining, unfortunately. I was just about to let
rip. It would have been great.
I open the door and am assaulted by the smell of flowers. A poor delivery boy stands
there holding them.
Delivery for Laura Mae. He shoves the bouquet into my hands and monotones,
Courtesy of Flower Power Corporation. May every day of your life be blessed with our
handcrafted flower arrangements. Dont forget to tell your friends.
Okay. Thanks. He turns and walks away, shoulders slumped. Someone hates his job.
I take the bouquet into the house and arrange it in a vase. Who the hell would be sending
me flowers?
Is there a card?
I search, and sure enough, there is. I pull it off and open it up. Its typed.

Dear Laura,
I hope these forget-me-nots brighten your spring break.

WHAT A DOUCHE. The person didnt leave their name!
HOW ROMANTIC! Eep! This is so exciting!
Faggot. Not even man enough to put his name. Fucking lame.
Who do you think it is from? I bet its from Cody! Its probably an
apology for everything and a thank you for repairing his friendship with Kyle.
Highly doubt that. Cody is a heartless bastard that doesnt think
about anyone except himself. I respect him for that, but theres no way
these flowers are from him. Warren sent them. He wants to get back
with you. And hopefully fuck you.
Both ideas make sense, but I dont know. Wouldnt they have just sent roses or
something else traditional? Forget-me-nots, thats an odd flower choice.
Right. It must mean something! Now, who would you forget?
I dont know! Thats probably why they sent the stupid flowers.
Its kind of fucking creepy. Sending forget-me-nots and then not
putting your name?
Oh, that is a bit weird.
Eh. Ive done worse.

And there wasnt even a name on the card! Emily stares at me shocked, burger frozen
in mid ascent to her mouth. Kaity takes a long sip from her soft drink. Were out for lunch and
Im relaying the events of my entireand utterly boringspring break.
Like, seriously? Slowly, she places her burger back down. Thats like thats like
like so romantic! Oh my gosh! Laura, you have to like find out who sent it!
Romantic? Kaity interrupts. Cutely stalkerish, maybe, but more freaky and incredibly
disturbing. If pieces of your body are found at the bottom of a lake next month, I wont be
surprised.
Kaity, you like have no heart. She shrugs and takes another sip from her drink.
Well, anyways, I say, thats the most exciting thing that happened to me.
So far!
What do you mean, Emily?
She smiles at me. We like still have a day left, so like something could happen! Yeah, I
doubt that. I seriously doubt that. We could like figure out who sent the flowers!
Kaity laughs. Its obviously Warren.
We both turn towards her. What like makes you so sure?
She laughs again, and then stops when she realizes were waiting for an answer. First,
Cody is not a romantic type. Laura, you know that. Instead of sending you flowers he would
have marched up to your door and given you the kiss of your life. And forget-me-nots? If he was
going to send flowerswhich he wouldnthed have enough sense to ask Derek. Derek would
have said roses because he thinks all girls are romance junkies.
Emily laughs derisively. That like proves nothing, Kaity.
I wasnt finished, Emily! She sighs heavily. Just wait, okay? Now, Warren, hes
foreign and English, automatic boost. Foreigners are far more romantic than Americans, and the
English have all those great romance writers. And we already know Warren is one for theatrics
and he probably doesnt want Laura to get caught up in the whirlwind of Cody and leave poor
little Pip in the dust.
No. Thats like not the right reason. Like, Warren would have like done that whole
French kissing thing again! Laura, just like think about it.
French kissing thing again? Emily! He already did that! He cant use the same move
again. Its against the rules. Kaity shakes her head angrily and looks at me exasperated.
I shrug. I wouldnt mind revisiting that one.
Like Kaity, there are like no rules when it comes to love.
Or fuck, but hey, you keep preaching it girl.
How romantic! Emily is right! When love is afoot, nothing else matters.
Cody must have sent them!
Emily, so you think Cody sent them? I ask her.
Yes no? Oh I like dont know. I just dont think its like Warren.
How helpful. Thanks Emily FOR NOTHING.

























Chapter 20

Identity Crisis

Ms. Mae! Ms. Trinka, my geometry teacher calls. Its the first Monday after Spring
Break, and honestly, Im not in the mood for this. Ms. Mae could you come up here?
I shuffle up to her desk, Yes? Please, bore me with another stupid theorem. I really
liked the last one, what was it again? Oh yes, I DONT GIVE A FUCK.
I would like to talk to you about your geometry grade. My grade? I totally have an
a uh. Oh shit. Well, lets think through this logically, the last test I failed because it was so
unfair. I didnt understand any of it!
Oh yeah, I didnt understandbecause I never do the homework.
OH FUCK! I NEVER DO THE HOMEWORK!
I smile feebly. What is it Ms. Trinka?
An F. I feel sick to my stomach. Im failing? Im so screwed. Ms. Mae, if you dont
get this grade up, youll have to retake geometry next year. And unfortunately for you, it looks
like that is going to be the case, unless you can raise a five percent to at least sixty-five in the
next two months. NO. I fucking hate geometry.
I I Ill try?
I guess thats the best anyone could do in your case.
The walk back to my seat is torturous. I hate this class so much. I cant sit through it for
another year!
Laura? Is everything like all right? Emily asks once Im sitting down. I shake my head
no. Oh like whats the matter?
Im going to have to take geometry over.
She laughs. Laura, dont like be stupid with me.
Im not.
She stops laughing and looks me in the eyes. Are you like serious.
Yes.
Like really?
Yes Emily! REALLY. She sits back in her seat.
Wow, even Im like passing.
Is she serious?
NO WAY. Youre fucking stupid!
Oh my god. I think Im hyperventilating. I think Im about to die. Im so
stunned, I cant breathe. The world seems so dark.
Its not that bad, everyone just shut up!
Youre an idiot. Youre an idiot. I cannot believe youre that
fucking dumb that Emily can outscore you in something. This is this
is worse than if you died a virgin. COME ON! This was your only job!
My only job? MY ONLY JOB? Now you listen here! I have many jobs, and
keeping her on top of her homework is not one of them! You should spend less
time thinking about whats in Dereks pants and more on geometry if you knew
what was good for you!
Shut up, shut up, shut up, SHUT UP!
Excuse me, but if we want Laura to have any chance at a normal
life, a healthy sex drive is a thing shell need!
A LIFE? How can she have a life if she cant even PASS GEOMETRY?
THATS IT! EVERYONE SHUT UP! Oh god. Did I just say that aloud?
No, Im pretty sure you screamed it.
Ms. Mae!
Yes Ms. Trinka?
You do not yell in my classroom! Im going to have to write you up for this! Report to
the dean, this instant! Is she serious? The dean? Im going to get a detention for this!
Ooh, shes so evil!
THAT BITCH! No one messes with my Laura!
You fucking bitch ass mother fucker cock whore! You cant give
me a detention just because I yelled shut up! Who do you think you
are? I clamp my hand over my mouth. What the fuck? How did you just take control of me?
Actually I dont know.
LAURA MAE! Ms. Trinka yells. You YOU! Gasping for breath, she clutches her
chest and slips out of her chair onto the floor. The class is dead silent for a few seconds, then
they start cheering.
Oh my god! I, well, technically the good voice screams, I have to help her! I
run to the classroom phone and dial the office. You have to get down here, to room
666! Hurry please. Ms. Trinka just fell over! I think shes having a heart
attack! Huh, I never realized the room number is 666 before.
No wonder I hate this class. An evil teacher teaches evil geometry in an evil room.
Actually, thats kind of cool.

Lunch, oh sweet repose from such a harsh world.
Kaity sits down across from me. Kevin wants to know if you plan on hexing him
anytime soon.
What?
Laura, dont act stupid. You revealed your true powers: youre a witch. You attacked
Ms. Trinka, now whos next on your list.
Ha ha, I deadpan. Youre hilarious.
She smiles ruefully. Maybe Ms. Trinka wont remember what you did. Im sure no one
in the class will tattle. Theyre probably afraid youll turn them into a toad.
Seriously Kaity?
Sorry. You just make it so easy.
I sigh and push the food around on my plate. At least the heart attack stopped her from
sending me to the dean.
Theres my girl, always looking on the bright side. Speaking of which, Kyle and I are
speaking to each other again.
AGAIN?
Yes.
There are so many things I want to say to Kaity right now. We both know how this will
end, shell sleep with him, hell dump her, or shell dump him. A few months later, theyll get
back together and it will continue like this for a few years.
Until she ends up pregnant or dead.
Or dead? Im supposed to be the morbid one!
Shell probably catch the aids.
The Aids? WHAT THE FUCK IS SHE ON?
Laura, I know what youre thinking. I highly doubt that. But, Kyle and I are just
friends. For now.
I want to say something to her, something profound, but Cody rushes up. LAURA!
Hes gasping and panting. I thought this kid was on the track team?
Oh god, what does he want, I mumble.
A number of things probably, Kaity says. The most likely one being your virginity.
She smiles wickedly at me. I want to respond with something witty but have nothing, and Cody
slams into the table before I can piece together a response.
Ouch. He pulls himself up along with some of my food.
Hey asshole, I was eating that!
He holds his arm out to me and says, Go ahead and lick it off.
Kaity is hysterical, but I on the other hand have not lost my composure. Id sooner die.
Funny you say that, because today might be your day. My day to die? I think hes
going a little overboard, dont you?
Its probably the pansy ass in him. He does have a flair for
dramatics.
Wait! Isnt Codys dad a doctor? Do you think he knows something? What
if his dad is friends with your doctor, and your doctor told Codys father, the
doctor, that you had cancer, and Codys father told Cody who is now telling
you? Youre going to DIE!
That, orthe more likely reasonCody is a little dramatic bitch.
Laura, he grabs my handI really am going to die! Warren and Kathleen broke up.
They were dating? No one told me they were dating. How is this even bad news?
He looks me in the eyes, Kathleen was pregnant.
Oh my gosh.
OH FUCKING SHIT. OH MAN. OH THIS IS GOOD.
Kaity coughs, nearly choking on her food. Cody, she gasps. What did you just say?
Kathleen was pregnant.
I look at him confused. What do you mean was pregnant? Im pretty sure I would have
seen the baby bump.
She had an abortion.
No fucking way.
Oh. How sad.
Okay, Cody. They broke up. She was pregnant, then had an abortion. I dont see what
the big deal is
Oh wait. I do see it.
Warren and Kathleen were doing the nasty!
And Kathleen became pregnant with his child.
But he made her get an abortion.
And after that happened
he broke up with her.
The rotten bloody bastard! Im so angry I jump out of my seat. Sitting down right now
seems so stupid. I just want to smash Warrens stupid face. I cant believe he had sex with
Kathleen. That stupid whore.
Kaity grabs my arms and pulls me back down. Laura, dont do anything stupid. Not that
you really have any reason to Warren isnt your boyfriend, and Kathleen isnt your friend.
This does not concern you.
But it feels like it does.
It doesnt. She has a stern look in her eyes, something I dont want to mess with. For
now, Ill listen to her and mind my own business.
With a quick glance at Kaity, Cody turns to me and says, Look Laura, if you need to talk
about any of this, how it makes you feel or anything, Im always here. He takes my hand in his
again. Odd, theres a lot of touching going on Anything at all, Ill be here.
Are you hitting on her? Kaity asks.
He drops my hand and backs away. What? No!
I gasp. You totally are hitting on me. You ass!
He looks at me flustered. I was not hitting on you. How inappropriate do you think I
am?
At that moment Derek walks up and puts his arm around Cody. I told you not to fucking
hold her hand. Bro, why dont you ever listen to me? I know my way with the ladies. Subtlety,
dumbass.
Cody pushes him off. I wasnt hitting on you Laura, I swear. I have no interest in you at
all.
Oh and thats any better? Thanks a lot Cody. What an idiot.
He falters. Thats not what I meant! ARGH. Fuck this! He walks off, quietly raging at
his inadequacy.
Kevin walks up and hands Derek some money, who rubs it on his face mockingly. I
really thought he could pull it off, Kevin mumbles.
Told ya, bitch. Women and him, they just dont mix, not in the right way. They walk
away.
That was interesting, I say to Kaity. Do you think that stuff about Warren was true, or
was it just part of Codys little game?
Definitely true, hes an asshole, obviously, but not a liar.
Or is he?

Im standing outside after school about a week later. Emily is supposedly meeting me
here so we can hang out, but she hasnt showed yet. Everyone else is outside, but not her.
Typical Emily.
Across the way, I see this black kid Lamar talking to Alex Stripper, who is a pure
dumbass. Their exchange seems to have some comic promise, and Emily isnt showing up
anytime soon, so I move in closer.
Lamar is questioning Stripper. Hey. You got my money?
Your money?
Yeah boy, my money. You got my money?
Stripper stares at him, obviously torn on what to do. Lamar asks everyone if they got his
money, so this isnt that weird. But how you deal with him is important. No one knows exactly
what his problem is, if hes mentally disturbed or just an annoying shit, but the denial of his
money must be skillfully done. If you fail, you have a bigger and louder problem.
No. I dont have your money.
Lamar grabs the brim of his baseball hat and turns it around. You dont got my money?
Alex shakes his head no. Why you dont got my money? Huh? Come on bro? YOU GOT MY
MONEY?
Obviously Alex did not think this through. Hey calm down man.
YOU GOT MY MONEY?
No, I dont
YOU GOT MY MONEY? People are beginning to stare, besides me. I got to say, this
could have been way more interesting.
Hey like Laura! Someone calls out. I would say, who could that be?, but we all know
its Emily.
I turn and, surprise, it is. Shes waving at me to come join her and Joe? God damn it. I
thought I specifically said NO JOE.
Hi Joe, I say.
Hey Laura. Dont worry; Im not going to crash girl time. I was just about to leave.
Hes so sweet! I almost feel bad for saying he looks like an anorexic squirrel.
He turns towards Emily, awkwardly they look at each other and half smile. Neither seems
how to proceed from this point. Its as if as if something is going on something between
them.
Ooh! I know what it is! Pick me! Pick me!
Um. Okay, you.
They
HIJACKED! Ill tell you whats going on. That little shitfaced
anorexic squirrel knows whats up about Emilys secret boyfriend.
Really? Because I was just going to say the same thing!
You think so? I thought I was her bffl, not Joe. Shes telling him these secrets? These
should be my secrets! I mean our secrets. Forget that squirrel. Ill kill him.
He sticks out his hand and Emily shakes it eagerly. Weird but hey, who am I to judge?
Joe is a special, special person. Maybe handshakes are just his thing?
Although, hes never given me a handshake.
He waves at me then walks away. Emily heaves a little sigh. What the hell?
Emily, whats with the sigh?
With the like what?
Oh god. Why do I always have to repeat myself? The sigh. I pretend sigh for emphasis.
Maybe shell catch on.
I did not like sigh.
Yes you did. Im just wondering why.
Im just like, uh, like tired. Yeah! Like totally.
Well, if youre tired we dont have to hang out.
LIKE NO LAURA! I totally like want to hang out! Like seriously. Lets just like go to
my house, okay?
Sure, sure. Pushy, pushy. Damn.

Some days, when Im sitting on Emilys bed and shes blabbing on about something, I
remember when we first became friends. Coincidentally, its at those exact same moments when
I can pinpoint where my life went downhill.
Too much Emily corroded my brain. Every day I worry she might kill my last brain cell.
But thats the price you pay for true friendship.
Like anyways, she continues. I totally wanted to like tell you this a couple of days
ago, but I like forgot and then like remembered because I found the like note I had written to like
remind myself!
Yeah, uh huh. I dont really care.
So like, Kathleen was like preggers by like Warren but like then she had an adoption
and is like not anymore. She means abortion, right?
I know, Cody told me.
She stares at me. Like really?
Yes.
Are you like sure? Because like it just happened a few days ago. I like heard her talking
about it in the hallway when I was like super spying. She just had the adoption like over the
weekend.
Over the weekend? But Cody told me this last week
LIKE OH MY GOD! Hes a physic!
Fucking shit. Did she just call him a physic?
I think she meant psychic.
No Emily. Hes just an asshole, game-playing, son of a bitch that I am going to kill
when I get my hands on him!
She giggles. Be like careful. He might like your hands like on him!
Gross. Just gross.





Chapter 21

Sixteen

Maybe Derek found out and told him. You know how Derek is.
Or maybe Cody has been hanging out with the hoe behind your
back. Maybe hes fucking the fucking hoe.
He wouldnt!
You underestimate that piece of shit. Oh. Hes so fucking bad its
good.
He could be friends with Kathleen. Maybe she confided in him?
Or maybe he nailed her so hard he accidentally gave her an
abortion.
Ew. Too far and so wrong.
Even Im a little surprised by myself.
When I find Cody, Ill rip him to shreds. Ill kill him. Oh I cannot wait for geometry to be
over. Cody cannot hide for long.
Now that I think about it, I should probably be doing my geometry work. I need to get
that grade up. But without Ms. Trinka breathing down my neckshes still in the hospital and
thankfully experiencing some memory lossI dont feel very inclined to try, not that I was
before.
The bell rings and I fly out of the classroom. Im going to track him down, then Im
going to beat him, hard. Using some Asian torture methods, Ill make him tell me how he found
out. Hell squeal like a pig.
I see him across the lunchroom talking to Derek, chatting about his latest conquest most
likely. Probably some stupid whore named KATHLEEN.
HEY MOTHER FUCKER! I scream as I walk towards him. Cody and Derek glance at
me then back at each other.
Is she talking to me? Derek asks Cody.
I cant tell, but most likely yes.
WRONG! Im close enough to make a lunge at Cody and beat the living shit out of
him, but I wont, at least not yet. Im talking to you, you fucker.
Me? God damn it. What did I do now?
Funny question. Let me answer it with one of my own: how did you know about
Kathleens abortion?
Common knowledge? Even Derek knows about it. Cody shrugs his shoulders
nonchalantly, as if this was no big deal.
I dont believe you. Youre a liar. She didnt have her abortion until a few days ago.
Whats your point Laura? I was doing you a favor.
So you say. But Id like to know how you found out about the abortion before it even
happened. Tell me how that works? Huh?
I I guess it had just gotten around? I dont know! I heard it somewhere.
From who?
I dont remember!
HOW CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER THAT?
ARGH! He balls his hands in a fist and turns away from me. Dereks eyeing him
suspiciously. Im sorry I dont remember everything. Im not a gossip junkie like you.
So uncalled for, and youre deflecting. I know why you wont tell me the truth, youre
fucking Kathleen. Thats how you found out!
And if I am? Why is that any of your business?
Fucking shit balls.
Oh dear.
Youre right. Its not any of my business. Although, I guess it wasnt really any of my
business to know about her abortion in the first place, but that didnt stop you from telling me.
So why did you tell me Cody? Why?
I uh
Ill tell you why. You wanted me to know. You wanted me to hate Warren, to despise
him. He did the one thing I could never forgive him for, sleep with Kathleen. And even worse, he
impregnated her. You couldnt just let that opportunity slip by you without realization. Wanting
to make it look like you cared for me, you hurt yourself but you hurt me too.
Laura
No Cody, just wait for me to finish. Youre sleeping with Kathleen too. Not only is that
unforgivable in my book, but thats just gross. Dont you think you could find a girl thats not
Warrens hand-me-downs?
OH FUCK! Derek hollers. Do you hear that Cody? Thats the sound of your ass
getting pounded into the ground. DAMN!

I dont see what the big fucking problem is. Cody had sex with
Kathleen. Who gives a shit?
Obviously its a problem! Do you read any literature on teenage sex? The
repercussions can be catastrophic! Losing your virginity before nineteen decreases
your chances for healthy relationships later on in life!
And?
So Cody had sex with Kathleen? So Cody had sex with my sister? So Cody dated my best
friend? So he cant have healthy relationships now? Its not like I wanted him anyways or have
ever cared for him. Jeez.
But you dated him?
So obviously you fucking cared about him.
You know what. Everyone needs to shut up.
I shouldnt even be thinking about Cody right now. Its just going to ruin my day.
My BIRTHDAY!
Hell yeah bitches. Im going to party it up today.
As if you knew how.
Ha ha. Youre just hilarious. Emily is taking me out today so I better get ready. She has a
surprise in her sleeve I think she meant up.

Im standing on top of a hill.
Not just any hill. Its the most memorable landmark in this shitty town of Naderville. It
lies in the center of Nadervilles community park, open for all and surrounded by a quaint little
shopping district.
Skip that shit.
Anyways, Im on top of this hill and I see absolutely nothing.
ARE YOU BLIND?
Why dont you SHUT UP! Of course Im not blind. I just meant I see nothing of interest.
Its just Emily and me standing on a goddamn hill.
I glance at her and say, This is nice. Or just really boring.
Like I know!
Maybe she really does have something in her sleeve?
I hope so, otherwise: worst birthday ever.
Like we should totally like lie down on the grass and look at like the clouds. She lies
down and motions for me to follow her. Whatever. I might as well. Like look at that cloud! Like
doesnt it look like a duck?
Yeah. It looks like a cloud.
And like that one looks like a ball! A grunt in agreement and close my eyes. I might as
well get a nap in.
Emily is going on and on about those stupid clouds. She has totally been failing in the
bffl department this past year. I need to hold auditions for a new one.
Im beginning to fall asleep. Maybe I shouldHAPPY BIRTHDAY! Holy shit!
I think I just peed my pants.
Wait, does that apply to me too?
I bolt upright and stare into the faces of Emily, Kaity, Derek, Kevin, Kyle, Jesika, and
Joe. My closest friends?
Eh. Close enough.
YOU GUYS! I exclaim joyfully. Thats the appropriate reaction, right? They smile and
laugh, setting down a blanket and picnic supplies. A PICNIC! Okay, now Im really excited.
They pull out pizza, sandwiches, cake!, brownies, cookies, a whole array of awesome
food that is going to make me gain five pounds.
Derek smiles at me as he passes out the plates. Hows it feel to be sixteen?
Same as fifteen. Except you know, I can DRIVE NOW! Granted, I have to pass the test
before I get my license. BUT STILL.
Everythings going fine and Im having a great time, when I notice it. On opposite sides
of Emily and Joe are Kaity and Kyle. Theyre sharing shy glances and coy smiles. I have a
feeling this is going to end badly.
Kyle picks up a cupcake and, looking Kaity straight in the eyes, seductively licks of the
frosting.
Like seriously Derek, Emily giggles, you did not like do that!
Kaity dips her finger in her ice cream and sucks it off her finger. Kyle squirms
awkwardly and I, horrified, glance at everyone else. Theyre not even noticing.
I did Emily. And he fell to the ground like a bag of fucking sand.
Thats not how it happened, Kevin whines. I totally put up a fight.
You wish, Jesika mutters.
I dont know what theyre talking about and I dont care. I honestly cannot believe Kaity
is sitting in front of me acting like a cat in heat. And no one is noticing this? SERIOUSLY?
One, totally believable and two, is it wrong Im so fucking turned
on by this?
How shocking. Turned on by something completely repulsive? Who would
have thought?
Was that sarcasm?
YES.
Way to class it up Kaity. Kyle I can understand, hes a stinking guy whose hormones are
running amok. Cant blame him, but Kaity? Keep it in your pants. At least at my party!
I should say something. Its the right thing to do. I should pull Kaity aside and talk to her
about this inappropriate behavior.
Pull her aside where? Youre on top of a fucking hill in the
middle of a public park.
I know! Take her over there: where Cody is! Wait what?
What indeed!
Cody is standing at the base of the hill wait, hes not standing there hes walking up
here. And hes not alone. Next to him is Warren and they both look as if theyre on a mission.
Shits about to get real.
I dont say anything and instead let them approach acting oblivious to their presence.
Theyre roughly twenty feet away when Derek notices. Oh fuck. I told that little shit to
stay away. And look hes brought Pip with him. He shakes his head exasperated. Mother
fucker just cant learn.
Cody reaches us first and yells, What the hell is this? You invite that fag and not me?
Warren walks up next to him and stops. Actually, I wasnt invited either.
Well obviously they want me here and not you, so get the fuck out.
They want you here? Really? Then why werent you invited?
Mere technicality. But more importantly, you didnt invite me? What am I on the same
level as this schmuck or something?
Emily says, Well like yeah.
I am offended!
Youre offended? Warren scoffs. Im on the same level as some wanker who is so full
of himself he doesnt realize its actually his own foot shoved up his rectum! Oh snap.
So hot.
I guess kind of. Yes, that was pretty hot.
We sit in stunned silence. Codys face is contorted, stuck halfway between complete
outrage andwhat I assume isthe face of someone who has heard the utter truth and is seeing
the world for the first time.
Might I point out the obvious? Joe interjects. That was spot on. Well done Warren.
May I ask if that was planned or completely spontaneous?
Honestly, weve all been thinking it for some time now. I look around and everyone is
nodding. The exact wording is spontaneous, but the general idea has been mulling around in my
head for quite some time.
Yeah, youre right, Derek sighs. We stare at him. Did he just agree with Warren?
Wait did I just agree with Pip? He slaps himself in the face and jumps up. AW
HELL NO! This English bitch thinks he can just walk all over us? Not on my watch, you fucking
redcoat! We didnt win the American Revolution just to take shit from you douchebags.
He brings his fists up and assumes a defensive stance. Warren matches him. You really
want to do this? Warren asks.
Hell yeah. We stare and Derek coughs. Coughs? Why? He coughs again but no one
moves. BITCHES, MY BACK?
Immediately Kevin and Kyle jump up and assume their position. Cody snaps out of his
stupor and tackles Warren, right into my picnic.
The unmistakable crunch of plastic is heard as they land on the food containers. What a
lovely birthday.
I jump out of the way and watch in horror as they struggle. I turn to Derek, Well? Are
you going to help him?
Eh, hes got this I hope.
I must admit its a lame fight. Neither actually has an advantage and theyre both covered
in frosting. Its actually kind of gay. I feel like I should be taping this for some gay porn contest.
It would probably have a decent chance of winning.
Is this really necessary? I ask to no one in particular.
Yes. Someone responds. Whoa there. Turning, I see Kathleen the baby killing bitch.
Who let the dogs out? I laugh. Who let the lame out? I swear.
I come in relative peace. I have a deal Id like to make with you.
Im sorry, but I dont deal with the devil. Eh, a little better.
Ha ha. She steps over Cody and Warren towards me. Its less of a deal, more of a
proposition.
Fine. Ill hear it.
She smiles wickedly. Good. I have a feeling you wont be able to resist. Lets end this
stupid war.
So a peace treaty?
Yes. I propose we split the spoils of this feud. Split the spoils? Is she suggesting we cut
Warren in half? You can have Warren if I get Cody.
OH FUCK NO. Oh man. Did I say that aloud?
The two stop fighting and everyone stares at me. Emily leans over to Kaity and whispers
quite loudly, Was that like her way of choosing?
Yeah was it? Cody asks quite excited.
Think quick, Laura. What was I saying? I mean, Im pretty sure I wasnt choosing Cody.
I dont want Cody, not like that. Hes a sick bastard that screwed Kathleen! GROSS. But I dont
want Kathleen to have him, not by a long shot.
Alright, you get Cody and I get Warren. Im alright with that.
NO! Damn it.
What do you want?
Obviously she wants to string them both along. Fuck yeah.
Thats not it!
Well Laura, Kathleen says impatiently. What do you want? Im trying to be civil here,
but your fucking crazy ass isnt helping.
Thats it! Im the crazy one? Youre the one trading the hearts of two people as if they
mean nothing! How can you stand here? You should be ashamed of yourself. Cody and Warren
have the right to be with the person they care for and if its you, FINE! And if its me, FINE. But
you have no right to decide that for them! Looks like I got my game back. Booyah.
She laughs. Thats not what I was expecting. Oh really? Youre the one whos been
stringing them along for months now. So take your self-righteousness and shove it up your grand
canyon of a puss
Kathleen is lying sprawled out on the ground, rubbing her red cheek. Emily stands over
her menacingly. YOU LIKE SHUT YOUR MOUTH YOU LIKE FILTHY WHORE. Holy
mother of holiness.
Well Kathleen thats my answer. I smile at her. And to the rest of you, Im out of
here. I turn and run.
I run down the hill and direct myself towards the river walk.
Its a nice day out so there are a lot of people milling about. I slip into the crowds and
blend with my surroundings. Hopefully they wont find me.

Im sitting on a bench watching the water flow past me.
Who does Kathleen think she is, huh? Just throwing people around with no regard to their
feelings?
Sounds like YOU.
Excuse me?
You can be a bit thick headed.
Total bitch.
Inconsiderate.
Youre like a fucking semi and all the boys that cross your path
are the flies that hit your windshield. They cling for life and you
well you turn your wipers on and blast those mother fuckers to certain
doom.
That is so not true!
Hey Laura. Frightened, I turn. Oh thank goodness, its only Chester.
OH MAN, ITS CHESTER.
Hey. The feeling is rising again. My palms are sweaty, my heart is racing, what did I
do to deserve this awful feeling?
Happy Birthday.
Thanks. Wow, he remembers a lot. Its almost a little creepy.
Having a good one so far?
Uh not really.
He sits down next to me. Why not? Whats the matter?
Im about to open up and tell him when I see Kathleen across the way. She cant reach
me because of the streamshell have to find the nearest bridgebut Ill be long gone.
Listen, Chester, I got to run. The poor guy looks so astonished and hurt, but Im not
staying around to get my ass kicked.



























Chapter 22

The Tipping Point

I passed my driving test the first time, unlike my sister Nancy who failed four times.
Alas, I am not allowed to drive the car anywhere. My mother put me on complete lockdown after
she found out I ditched my own birthday party.
Apparently thats not what ladies do.
Apparently I dont give a shit.
Im sitting at lunch alone again. Kaity is inexplicably missing, probably off somewhere
with Kyle. As if everyone didnt know theyre back together again. Emily is probably with her
secret boyfriend, who Im pretty sure isnt Kyle.
Or shes not with her boyfriend.
Shes running up to me, sobbing hysterically! What the hell is going on?
I stand up right as she throws herself into my arms, a mess of hormones and warm tears.
LIKE LAURA! she sob-hollers, Im like so sad!
Obviously. Whats the matter? I set her down in the seat next to me. Emily tell me
what happened?
Its just like, too horrible! She wipes futilely at her tears.
Just tell me, let me help.
We were just like talking and he like got mad at me and then we were like fighting and I
think like he might like hate me! She buries her head in my shoulder and mumbles something
undecipherable.
This is it, shes telling me about her secret boyfriend. Shes finally going to admit to it.
Ive been waiting so long that this doesnt feel real.
But this is too easy. I must be missing something
Emily, who were you fighting with?
Like Joe! Oh what the shit. Joe? Is he even worth a thought much less all these tears?
Sometimes I wonder about the sanity of my bffl.
Emily I highly doubt Joe hates you, the kid follows you around like a puppy dog. Youre
the best thing to happen to him since anything? since he stopped wearing those stupid elf
ears in the sixth grade. Mostly because I broke them, not because he wanted to.
You like think so?
Of course I do! I dont understand why she spends all her time with him, but its
helped. Shes even becomedare I say itsmarter since theyve started hanging out.
She pulls away and sniffles a little. Laura, do you think like you could talk to him like
for me? Could you let him like know how like sorry I am?
No. Sure. Oh come on.
Thanks like so much! Youre the best!
Ha. Ha. Yay?

After school I wait for him. Why do I do these things? I better get some chocolate as
payment.
Joes walking down the hallway. He looks pretty upset about something, which is totally
weird. Oh right, the fight. Stupid me.
I walk up to him. Joe, can I talk to you?
His face is ashen, and he twitches a lot. Can we do this somewhere else? I think Ive
been humiliated in this school enough for a lifetime. Spare me some of the dignity I have left.
What is he blabbering on about?
I just wanted to talk to you about your fight with Emily.
He heaves a sigh of relief. I thought you were here to kick my ass. Sure lets talk. We
step aside and let the flow of the crowd pass us.
Emily told me you guys had a fight earlier today, and she was really upset. She thinks
you hate her and she really just wants to apologize. She feels just awful. Please forgive her, or
whatever.
Forgive her? Yeah, thats what I said. Oh Laura! She should be forgiving me! Im
such an idiot! Tell her Im the one who is sorry!
What do I look like, a messenger? Yeah, alright Ill tell her. I GUESS SO.
In the background I notice something weird. I cant tell what it is, but it looks like
someone is spying on me. Oh shit, do I have a stalker?
No. Its just Emily trying to see how everything is going.
Or you know Joe, you could tell her yourself. I gesture behind him towards her. Their
eyes meet and slowly they approach each other.
Im like sorry
No, Emily! Im the sorry one. Please forgive me.
Like you should be like forgiving me! Im like the one who was like not right.
Emily, you know that could never be true.
Wow, mushy much? This is some serious lame shit.
Yeah, it seems fucking weird.
A little suspicious. Right?
I think theres something going on here that were missing. Do you think did she tell
Joe about her secret boyfriend? Is that what this fights about?
Oh that totally makes sense! He caught her with this mysterious
man and he probably got fucking pissed because its gotta be someone
hed hate.
With a burning passion!
Someone so revolting
It all makes sense! Whos the one person that Joe just cant stand? The one person that
would send Joe into a rage? The one person that Emily wouldnt tell me about?
Kyle?
NO! Its worse!
Far worse! Shes been seeing DEREK! Joe hates him; I hate him. Derek is a total asshole.
Thats why she wouldnt tell. Derek is just not acceptable. We could have gotten over Kyle,
accepted some loser jock, even been okay with her dating Joe, but not Derek.
Ha. Emily and Joe.
I know right? That would be hilarious!

Im at home minding my own business, just happy the weekend has started. Sweet old
Fridays, got to love em.
Emily and Kaity are coming over soon to hang out, like girls do. Well paint our nails,
chat about boys, and I will not bring up Derek.
I figure if I ignore it long enough the problem will disappear.
Mirranda walks in the room and stares at me. If youre going to lie on the couch at least
turn the television on. Otherwise, this is just creepy.
And youre the epitome of not creepy?
Ha ha. What are you doing anyways?
Waiting for Emily and Kaity to arrive. The doorbell rings as if on cue. I look at her
pointedly while she rolls her eyes. Happy, I skip to the front door and pull it open. Im greeted by
the wonderful faces of Warren and Cody. What the hell are you two doing here?
We both wanted to ask you to go somewhere tomorrow, Cody says. Will you go with
me to the movies?
Will you come over tomorrow to my house and hang out? Warren asks. I glance from
Cody to Warren, Warren to Cody.
Um
You have to choose Laura, Cody says.
You cant string us along forever.
Five o clock. Meet me at my house, Cody says confidently. I watch as they walk
away.
That didnt look like Emily and Kaity to me, Mirranda teases as I shut the door.
Yeah, unless they became cross dressers. It was Cody and Warren.
What did they want?
They want me to choose.
Really? Way to blindside you. No warning at all. Although, its a smart decision on their
part because now you have to choose one of them and you cant hem and haw around like
always.
Yeah This is just wonderful.

A few minutes later, the doorbell rings again. This time its Emily and Kaity.
Hey
They step inside and look at me. Like Laura, whats like wrong? Emily asks.
Uh Cody and Warren were just here.
No way. Kaity says.
Yeah, they told me I have to choose.
Kaity and Emily share a look of surprise. Then Kaity says, I dont believe you Laura.
No way Cody and Warren have the balls.
Like totally.
I I dont know what to do!
Not surprising, Kaity mutters.
What does that mean?
You never know what to do!
I have like an idea. Just like, follow your heart Laura. Thats like what all the girls like
do in the movies.
I dont know what my heart is telling me. All I can think of is Cody banging my sister
and Warrens sperm rooting itself inside Kathleens egg.
Well instead of focusing on all the bad things they did, Kaity says, think about all the
good things theyve done.
I turn away and lead them up to my bedroom. Once upstairs Emily sits on the bed, Kaity
in my chair, and I lay on my sisters bed. But neither of them have done any good.
You cant be like serious. There has to be like something good about them.
But there isnt Emily!
Kaity laughs. So you dated to complete losers and didnt realize at the time? I throw
her a look of death. What it just seems weird.
Nothing about this is normal.
Fair enough. We sit in silence. I want to think of something good about them but I
cant.

Im lying on my bed, still pondering who I should choose. I have less than twenty four
hours to decide. This is killing me.
Mirranda walks in and crashes on her bed. Still hung up about the boys?
What do you think?
She rolls over and smiles at me. You want the truth? I nod vigorously. I need
someones input. Warren.
Why?
Because he didnt screw your sister. Nancy is a nasty hoe. Im pretty sure shes a host
for a civilization of viral diseases.
Dont let mom hear you say that.
Oh I told her. She grounded me, well tried to. Im going to be a college kid in less than a
week. She can kiss my ass.
So you think I should pick Warren?
Huh? She turns her head towards me. Oh sorry, I stopped paying attention to you.
You are just the most supportive sister anyone could ask for. Im being totally honest
and not at all sarcastic.
Yeah, yeah. I heard you. She smiles at me devilishly. Anyways, I think Cody would
be a perfect choice.
Oh ha. Now youre just messing with me.
Not at all! Codys known you since kindergarten. If he can still care for you after all that
time and after hes seen the real crazy inside, I think hes a winner. Warren is just along for the
good Laura. If he sees the real you he might bail like a little shit.
You think so?
No. I have no idea. Im just messing with you. Now shut up because I need to study for
my finals next week. Speaking of which, you should also be studying and not worrying about
some stupid boys.
Stupid boys? This is a critical life decision were talking about here!
More like critical fuck decision.
Oh, matters of the heart weigh far heavier than matters of the flesh.
I what? Does that even mean something? Weve been spending way too much time
around Emily.
It was romantic! It means
It means no one gives a shit and you are just bat shit crazy
sometimes. AND THATS COMING FROM ME.

























Chapter 23

Cody or Warren

I pace back and forth, unsure of what to do and running on three hours of sleep. Will
you settle down? Mirranda asks me. I dont know how many times I have to tell you I NEED
TO STUDY FOR FINALS.
Im sorry. Im going through a lot right now, okay?
Whatever. Its not that hard. Just pick one.
I sink into my bed and sigh. Shes right I should just pick one. Who cares if I dont make
the exact right decision? Its not like this is actually a life or death situation. Its not like this one
little thing is going to decide the outcome for the rest of my life, just the next few months. Ill
date whoever then well break up and the whole process will just start over again.
Ugh, I moan.
Laura! You need to shut your trap right now or I will beat your face in. Just pick Cody
already!
Wait. You think I should pick him?
No it was a joke. Make your own damn decisions.
Fine. Maybe I shouldnt pick either of them.
No, pick Warren.
Cody.
Thats weird, for some reason I thought it would be the other way around.
I thought so too, then I realized Warren didnt sleep with Nancy. I
dont like used goods, especially when they fuck a family member.
But he slept with Kathleen!
So did Cody.
Yes, which is unfortunate, but Cody didnt impregnate Kathleen. Nor did
he make her get an abortion. Warren is a bad guy. Hell love you and leave you
without any worries. Cody actually cares about you. Hell treat you right.
But Warren is the dream guy. Come on. You know you fucking
want that foreign piece of ass. Codys just a shit ass.
Hey! Dont talk about Cody like that!
Are you in love with him? What you going to marry him? Are
you going to marry Cody and have a bunch of little bastard children
with him? Maybe hell fuck your sister behind your back also!
Better that than impregnating my arch nemesis!
Just shut UP! I have to think this through. It cant be that hard. I just have to make the
right decision. I will not let my life be ruined by some stupid voices inside my head that make
absolutely no sense!
Well thats just rude. Were a part of you Laura, so if we dont make
sense, neither do you.
Yeah bitch.
Just shut up.
I need a pencil and some paper. Itll be easy. Ill make a chart with pros and cons for each
of them. Its logical and efficient!

This is stupid, I say to myself. I crumple up the paper and throw it across the room. I
dont need a chart; I just need to follow my feelings. Yeah right.
I get up and grab the piece of paper, unfolding it as I walk back to my desk. I fill it in and
smile. Not so hard after all.
Well Mirranda, the chart doesnt lie, I say looking at it. At least I know who to pick
now!
I hope its Cody.
DAMN IT! I yell.
Whats the matter with you?
Now Im not sure anymore!
You have some serious problems.
I KNOW! Okay I know that. Ill just make another chart. I need a fresh look at it.
Hold the phone. I thought you wanted me to choose Warren not Cody, because Cody slept with
Nancy!
Youre really messed up in the head arent you?
So Ive been told. I grab my cellphone and stare at it, hoping one of them had contacted
me.
Laura, why are you staring at your phone?
Im hoping for a sign.
A phone cant give you a sign, you know that, right?
Im know, I know, but I just dont know!
What is wrong with you?
I DONT KNOW!

I glance at the clock; it is only four. I moan pitifully into my pillow. Whats wrong
Laura? my dad asks. He must have been standing out in the hallway.
I have to make a decision.
He laughs. Oh that has to be hard. You have such a hard time choosing vanilla or
chocolate.
Right! Both just have so many good qualities, how can one decide?
Well, you just have to do what feels right.
But I dont know what feels right and no one understands that
I understand. Im exactly the same way. He sits down at the edge of my bed and pats
my knee. When I was in college I knew these two girls. They were very different girls, but nice
in their own ways. Well, I liked them and they liked me. Can you imagine that disaster?
Yeah, kind of.
One day they came to me and said, Zachary, you have to choose. What was that
nonsense? So I asked my friends who I should choose, I asked strangers, I talked to my
professors about it. Im telling you Laura, I was a wreck. I asked girl advice from scientists.
Never ask a scientist.
Dad, arent you a scientist?
Shhhhh. Daddys telling a story So anyways, eventually I came to a decision. And I
chose one of the girls.
Let me guess, you chose mom.
No. I didnt even know your mother back then.
I sit up on my bed surprised. Did you make the right decision though? How did you
know?
Thats the thing, I didnt know, and for the longest time I thought I had made the wrong
decision. I chose a girl, and we broke up a week later. I could have easily married the other, but I
didnt pick her.
So you made the wrong decision.
No. See, I thought I had made the wrong decision but the path I took eventually led me
to your mother.
So, let me get this straight: what youre telling me is I should make what seems like the
wrong decision to get a good outcome?
No. You should just stop worrying and calm down. Whatever you decide will be the
right decision.
Thanks dad. Never ask a scientist for love advice. Seriously. What the fuck kind of shit
is he even spouting?
No problem sweetie. We scientists arent great when it comes to feelings, but reasoning,
I think were pretty good at that. He stands up and stretches. Now Im going to go get high off
some serious science.
I sit on my bed and think about what he said. Maybe hes right, and I should just calm
down. Everything is going to work out in the end, no matter what decision I make.
Oh god.
Its so clear now!
I run down the stair and grab the keys. Im going out! I yell to whoever is listening.
Ive decided, and nothing can stop me.

Im fifteen minutes early but Im so excited I dont care. I cant wait to tell him hes the
one I want. This is it!
I leap out of the car, up the sidewalk, and onto the porch. I can hear the doorbell ring
inside, butterflies are exploding inside me.
Warren opens the door.
Hey Laura what are you doing here so early? I grab him and kiss him.
I choose you! Stunned, he steps outside of the house and holds my hands close to his
chest.
Really? CLEARLY. Thats absolutely fantastic! He leans in and kisses me. Its the
most wonderful feeling in the world. To think that Im with Warren! Im with Warren! Im with
WARREN! Again, but for the long haul this time. No more Cody getting in the way. No more
Kathleen to bother us. Its going to be magical!
I get lost in a blur of his kisses and sweet bliss. I feel like this could last forever.
He pulls away and looks at me. Laura theres something I have to tell you first.
Cant it wait? Im dying for some more kisses.
No. I have to tell you this, and I realize it may complicate things, but Im moving
back to England.
WHAT! AH HELL. WHAT THE SHIT.
Ive thought this all through! We can still stay in contact. Ill buy those long distance
calling cards, we can chat online. My dad will still fly over on business trips, sometimes I can tag
along. We can make this work. Long distance relationships work all the time!
Are you kidding me? No way, no how! Im not dating someone in England. Thats
outrageous! You should have told me this earlier! I MEAN SERIOUSLY. This would have
made choosing a lot easier.
Laura wait!
No Im not waiting for you! I break away from him and run back to my car. Hes
standing on his porch bewildered. For good measure I roll down the window and scream, Im
not waiting for any English bastard that knocks up my arch nemesis! as I drive away.
Shit. I only have four minutes to get to Cody.

Its one minute after five, not bad timing. I quickly cut the engine and race up to his
house. Impatiently I ring the doorbell multiple times. Please answer, please answer!
His mother answers the door.
What the hell? Oh Laura dear! Is everything alright?
Is Cody home?
No he left about a minute ago with Derek. They went to catch a movie. They were going
to wait for you but decided against it.
What? Are you sure? Maybe theyre still inside?
No. Im pretty sure they left. Do you want me to call them?
Oh god. Oh no! No, thats okay. Just dont even bother mentioning that I was here.
Ill tell him later, okay? Not even. I will never tell anyone I showed up at his house after
Warren basically DUMPED my ass before we were even dating!
She nods nervously at me. I take a deep breath and say calmly, It was nice to see you
again Mrs. Mueller.
You too! Tell your mother I said hello!
I clamber back into the car. Maybe Im just imagining it, but the entire world is crashing
around me.
Rejection. Ouch.
Part of me doesnt believe this just happened. Theres absolutely no way I chose both
guys and ended up with none. How is it even possible?
I think this is a sign from God. Cody and Warren were just not the right
guys for you. For now, I think you should focus on yourself and being
comfortable in your own skin.
I think we need to fuck someone and fast.
I think that this is crazy. Im talking to voices in my head. DO YOU KNOW HOW
FUCKING CRAZY THAT IS? BECAUSE I DO.
I slam on the brakes as I almost miss a red light. Holy crap I need to pay attention
otherwise Im going to end up dead. Although, then it wouldnt matter if I ended up all alone
with no one to love me. Id be dead and dead people dont care.
Morbid, angry, lusting for some hot man: I see my opening and
Im riding it all the way! Come on Laura! Lets have us some fun.
Theres a party tonight at some stupid football players house. You need
to go there and fuck the brains out of some poor helpless mother fucker.
No! That is not what she should be doing!
Is someone beeping at me? I look in my rearview mirror and see a very irate driver giving
me the finger. Nice. Wonder what that is for?
Oh wait, the light is green. I slam the accelerator and the car screeches ahead. I have no
idea where Im going.

I pull into a parking lot and turn off the car. Im at some ghetto strip mall on the far side
of town. How did I even get over here? Scumsville for the loss. Ugh. This is gross.
Slowly I step out of the car and look around. A few cars are scattered around the lot but
other than that it looks as if Im alone. Even in the slums, Im alone. How fitting.
Im about to leave when someone calls out my name. I turn. The person looks at me
astonished, glasses askew, hair rumpled Chester, again. Of all the people in the entire world
and all the places this is really not what I need today on top of everything.
Laura! He waves at me and walks over. I havent seen you in a few weeks, whats up?
Excited that school is almost over? I shrug. Finals getting you down? I sure have a lot of
studying to do. Say, what are you doing here anyways? Dont you live in that subdivision by the
school?
I, uh yeah. I do.
Is everything alright? You look out of it? How was your birthday by the way? You ran
off so suddenly and then that weird girl came over and she was crazy. She kept asking where you
went. So I lied and told her you went to the hill and she flipped out.
Why is he talking to me? Why does he even care? I wish he would just go away. I have
enough boy problems today!
Anyways, Ill see you around maybe?
Huh, sure. Totally. He walks away, shoulders drooped. Poor guy, now I just feel awful.
Aw forget it. I couldnt care less right now. Im just going to go home and sleep the
weekend away.
And then fail some of my finals. No big deal.






















Chapter 24

Alls Well That Ends Well

Its Thursday morning, the last day of school. I didnt study at all over the weekend and I
slept the whole time. Im pretty sure I failed my geometry final, but who cares. And the other
ones werent so bad. I have done a lot of thinking however and I realized that family and friends
are the only things that matter.
And in the friend category, Kaity and Emily are the only ones I need. Theyre just so
good to me. Theyd never break my heart and leave me for another country.
And if they did, at least theyd have the decency to tell me in advance.
All I need are friends and family. And maybe a good bar of chocolate, or a brownie, or a
few cookies, or Im just going to stop.

Emily and I decided to walk to school without Joe today. Its been our thing since fifth
grade theres no point in breaking it now, even if our duo has become a trio over the year. I
cannot wait for her to get over this helping the nerdy phase.
Laura! Are you like excited? Schools like almost over and were like going to be like
Juniors next year!
So great. I deadpan. I cannot wait to be another jackass like the rest of them.
Like Laura, be happy! Youre like not still down about like the whole guy thing?
I roll my eyes. No Emily Im not. The walk is nice, just like old times when it was just
the two of us and boys were just something to giggle about.
Not that I care about the whole Warren and Cody fiasco. Psh. Whatever. That is so five
days ago.

On the last day of school, most kids dont show up. Attendance isnt taken and they just
shove you in the gym with everyone. Its hot, sweaty, and totally gross. Its my favorite day of
the year, hands down.
Emily, Kaity, and I are sitting at the top of the bleachers, the prime spot for people
watching. Every year its been the same thing: girls giggling and taking pictures, nerdy kids
hanging out because they had nothing better to do, kids just goofing off. Everyone is waiting for
the bell to ring and the official summer to begin.
I broke up with Kyle, Kaity says out of the blue.
So youre admitting you were dating him?
Funny Laura. Yes. I was dating him and now were broken up.
Like why? Emily whines.
I need a summer fling. Its going to be great. Hot nights by the pool, taking things a little
too far but pulling back before things get out of hand. The intricate and exotic dance when you
play with hormones, I cant wait for it.
Howd he take it? I ask. Kyle has a special place in my heart surprisingly. I feel bad he
has to go through all this shit.
Hard. But thats alright. Well probably get back together next year or something. You
know how it is, we cant resist each other. Its a magnetic attraction.
Or a death wish, but hey! I dont judge.
I mean, yes I do judge. But for now I will suspend my judgment out of the sheer
goodness in my heart.
Ha. Okay.
Hey guys, have you like seen Joe lately? Emily asks. Ive been like super worried
about him.
Thats weird I havent seen him since this morning actually. Emily and I were
supposed to meet up with him in the gym but he left to go to the bathroom and never came back.
I assumed he got caught up in something nerdy.
Like me too! I hope like nothing bad like happened to him.
I shrug my shoulders non-committedly. I almost hope something bad happened to him. It
would be pretty hilarious.

Im walking back to the gymI was just using the bathroomwhen I hear a weird noise
coming from one of the janitors hall closets. They have them spaced throughout the school for
easy access and convenience.
I approach the door cautiously, but I can hear something inside. It sounds like a whimper,
a very muffled one.
How curious. I think Ill open the door, which happens to be unlocked? Even more
curious.
Inside, tied and taped up, sits Joe. His hands and legs are bound, theres duct tape over
his mouth, and around his eyes someone tied a bandana.
I snicker silently to myself, but he must have noticed the breeze or change in light
because he screams frantically into the tape. I should probably help him.
But instead I close the door and walk away. Not my problem. He doesnt know I saw him
and no one ever will. I can keep this secret easily. Besides I have a pretty good hunch about who
put Joe in the closet, and Im not crossing paths with him, the man of many wonders.
Youre an awful person!
Yeah? Well, bite me.
HELL YEAH!
You shut up too.

Im back in the bleachers, staring at the clock, willing it to move faster. This year needs
to end. I am sick of it. It sucks and I want next year to start. I see no point in dragging it out any
longer.
What do you mean it sucked? I didnt think it was that bad.
I hate to agree, but I thought it went alright.
Are you guys serious? After all the drama with Cody and Warren, the fighting with Kaity
and Emily, the secrets, the boyfriends, the catfights, you think this year wasnt that bad?
Ha, fucking forgot about some of that.
Only a minute left, Kaity announces.
One minute and my life as a tenth grader is over. Im going to be an upperclassman. Next
year is going to be my year.
Wait didnt I say this last year?
Ah never mind.
Fifty seconds, Kaity mumbles.
I cant believe its almost here. The end! Im going to have a summer with no boys, no
worries! There will be no Cody, no Warren, just Laura and her girls. And well, I guess who ever
Kaity decides to screw, and probably Joe once he gets out of the closet ha. Gay joke.
Forty seconds.
I scan the gym. Everyone looks the same yet so different. What a change a year can
bring.
Dont go and get fucking sentimental on me bitch.
Thirty
Shut up ass. Its my year and my life; Ill do what I want. Next year no one, not even
Kathleen, will get in my way. Im going to own this school.
In a metaphorical sense, not literally. I dont have the money for that.
Twenty!
I watch the clock as the second hand ticks down, closer and closer until freedom.
FREEDOM!
TEN! the crowd shouts.
Its almost here, I whisper. This year at Woodcock High is almost over.
Yep, Kaity says.
Like yeah, Emily giggles. What is with her giggling? I hope it doesnt have anything to
do with her secret boyfriend, who probably locked Joe in a closet.
FIVE! FOUR! THREE! the whole school is screaming together now. Ah, the
camaraderie.
Why does this only happen at the end of the year?
TWO!
THE SUSPENSE IS KILLING ME! Oh what wonders will next year bring? What
mysteries lie ahead? What joyous occasions and heart wrenching blows will come my way?
What
OH SHUT UP.
HEY.
ONE! The bell rings.
I stand up and throw my fists into the air.
God I probably look so lame right now.