Cohabiting in Chattanooga: sensible, not sinful

While Jane Smith folds her favorite bright green towels, her boyfriend, John
Evans, a 30-year-old PVC pipe distributor, thumbs through the channels to find a
good game on their large flat screen TV. They ask each other about work, school and
which bills still need to be paid for the month. Then they order a pizza for dinner
from their favorite little place down the road.
My parents say its like were already married, but I argue that living with
and depending on your partner until you both agree it is time to take the next step is
totally different, said Smith, a 27 year-old grad student at the University of
Tennessee in Chattanooga.
Evans and Smith have lived together in downtown Chattanooga for 4 years
and are currently engaged, although there is no ring to symbolize the commitment.
We figure theres no point really. I mean were living together. Weve been
living together. Were going to get married once we get things together and
everyone knows it, said Evans.
If living together means marriage is inevitable, whats stopping this couple
from taking the next step now?
Im still in school, said Smith. Its irresponsible to get married too young,
and its cheaper to just share financial responsibility now.
Evans declined to comment.
According to the Pew Research Center, the marriage rate in the US has fallen
for the passed several years, while the marriage age continues to reach record highs.
In 1960, a time when getting married before or instead of going to college was not
seen as irresponsible but encouraged, 59% of 18 to 29-year-olds were married.
However, in 2010, a record low 20% of 18 to 29-year-olds were officially
congratulated as the new Mr. and Mrs.
Furthermore, while the marriage statistics have dropped, one statistic in
2010 actually doubled from 1990 and tripled from 196044% of people over the
age of 18 were living with their partner, an apparently accepted situation now
termed cohabitation.
Pew also found that when it comes to the redefinition of marriage in a
cohabiting arrangement between partners, about a third of our nation accepts the
changes; a third is tolerant but skeptical; and a third considers it bad for society.
So, how does Chattanooga compare to these national statistics?
First Things First, a non-profit organization focused on family and marriage
education, found that one in four (29%) adults in Hamilton County have lived with
someone outside of marriage at some point this year. While the 29% does include
those who have lived with a roommate(s), it is still quite an increase from 9% in
1997, the year First Things First opened in Chattanooga.
While Smith and Evans are open about living together before marriage, they
asked that their names be changed before the publication of this story because
their parents know they are living together, but they are not very accepting of the
situation.
Ken Roberts, a 73-year-old retiree/part-time marriage counselor in
Chattanooga, says he has seen a large increase in the amount of young people living
together before marriage, and he refuses to conduct marriage counseling with them.
A lot of times, these are what I call church kids coming to me from the
recommendation of their parents that is not how God intended for marriage to
begin. I will not counsel them while theyre living together said Roberts.
As an author and former pastor of Ekklessia Baptist Tabernacle in Ooltewah,
Tenn., Roberts admits he has always remained dedicated to counseling newlyweds
and reviving spiritually dead marriages.
One of the biggest challenges we face is our selfish desire. Marriage is
sacrifice. Most people dont get that. Young people who live together they are
playing house without the sacrifice of either waiting or making a commitment, said
Roberts.
Roberts also says he believes the acceptance and frequency of cohabiting
among young adults is definitely contributing to the decline in marriage, and its
highly probable that its influencing the rise in the marriage age although some
couples do wait to get married for other reasons.
According to Roberts, the factor that is having the largest effect on marriage
statistics in the US is the suffering relationship and communication breakdown
between the young adults of this generation and their parents.
People in their twenties, the Millenials When parents of this generation
see that their grown or nearly grown children are making poor life choices, they
turn their cheek. That is why the sanctity of marriage is foreign to this generation,
said Roberts.
When asked for his personal comparison between church-going couples and
non-church-going couples who choose to live together before marriage, Roberts
says he thinks its about half and half.
If this generations church kids dont grasp the sanctity of marriage, why do
we expect the rest of society? Our influence, our impact as Christians is becoming
less and less, said Roberts.
In 2010, the Association of Religion Data Archive (ARDA) found that out of
528,143 people living in the Chattanooga Metropolitan area, 282,965 people
affiliated themselves with a denomination of the Christian faith. This number
increased 11% from 1990, although it should be mentioned that the overall
population of Chattanooga also increased 10.8% over the passed 20 years.
Though some may shake their heads at the increase of couples that are
cohabiting in Chattanooga, those in their twenties who find themselves in a serious
relationship may better understand the temptationthough not all take the step.
Its an attractive idea because if youre already with someone, you can save
on rent, utilities, groceries and everything else. Youre essentially cutting your
money in half, said Daniel Hall, a single 28-year-old barista at Starbucks. Hall is also
the worship leader at Christian Bridge Church in downtown Chattanooga, which
consists of a non-denominational congregation.
Hall says it wasnt his plan to be single at almost thirty. Hes been in a
number of relationships, some lasting longer than others. But for one reason or
another, things just didnt work out.
While it is clear he has a great passion to be married and start a family, Hall
says he views marriage as the holy depiction of the love between God and His
creation.
Hall also said he knows quite a few couples who decided to cohabitate with
partners before marriage. According to Hall, about half actually got married, while
the other half broke off the relationship and the living arrangement in a mini
divorce.
Its playing house, said Hall. If you cant be that committed to the
relationship, why are you in such a committed living situation? Whats the point in
that? I mean I just couldnt do it.
Though he doesnt think the Bible could bluntly condemn a couple for living
together before marriage, Hall says he knows the Bible could not defend the lifestyle
either.
Grey areas are all around us. Our society has turned Gods black and white
into grey, so we cant even decipher it on our own anymore, said Hall.
Hall agrees that a large portion of cohabiters, including the majority of his
cohabiting friends, decide to move in together to save money or buy time until one
person or the other is ready to make a real commitment.
I definitely dont have my life together, said Hall. Ive been waiting on my
future wife. It seems like our society is seeing more value in success and money
find your career, then your wife. But if Im going to be the best version of myself
when Im with this woman, then why should I wait to marry her?
But if the trend of cohabiting continues to push marriage rates down and the
marriage age up, is marriage in danger of eventually becoming obsolete?
Once again, the Pew Research Center conducted a study that shows nearly
four-in-ten (39%)of Americans believe marriage is already an obsolete institution in
American lifean 11% increase from the same question asked in TIME magazine in
1978.
However, Americans are more optimistic (67%) about the institution of
marriage and family than the nations economic system, overall morals and ethics or
education system.
Hall, being one of the many marriage and family optimists, says he has no
doubt hell get married one day.
[Society] may call people with my perspective overly romantic or idealistic,
but doesnt it seem to be Gods plan? And doesnt it mean that maybe theres hope?
Isnt God where we can still have hope? said Hall.
While its clear the amount of cohabiting couples in Chattanooga is on the
rise, and that this living arrangement is becoming more and more accepted, the
religious context of the city also weighs heavily on the decision of many who have
toiled with the idea.
Still, some couples that are already cohabiting in the scenic city dont feel it
interferes with their spiritual lives.
Its not about religion for us, said Smith. Its more about what makes sense
financially and personally I think God wants us to have the desires of our heart. I
mean cohabiting is sensible, not sinful.
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