Dont let toxic people rent space in your head.

Raise the rent and get them out of there.

Surviving the ups, downs, and lightning storms of other peoples moodiness can be quite a
challenge. Its important, though, to remember that some moody, negative people may be going
through a difficult stage in their lives. They may be ill, chronically worried, or lacking what they need
in terms of love and emotional support. Such people need to be listened to, supported, and cared for
(although whatever the cause of their moodiness and negativity, you may still need to protect
yourself from their behavior at times).
But theres another type of moody, negative behavior: that of the toxic bully, who will use his or her
mood swings to intimidate and manipulate. Its this aspect of moodiness that inflicts enduring abuse
and misery. If you observe these people closely, you will notice that their attitude is overly self-
referential. Their relationships are prioritized according to how each one can be used to meet their
selfish needs. This is the kind of toxic behavior I want to look at in this post.
Im a firm believer that toxic mood swings (like chain letter emails) should not be inflicted on one
person by another, under any circumstances. So how can you best manage the fallout from other
peoples relentless toxicity?
1. Move on without them.
If you know someone who insists on destructively dictating the emotional atmosphere, then be clear:
they are toxic. If you are suffering because of their attitude, and your compassion, patience, advice,
and general attentiveness doesnt seem to help them, and they dont seem to care one bit, then ask
yourself, Do I need this person in my life?
When you delete toxic people from your environment it becomes a lot easier to breathe. If the
circumstances warrant it, leave these people behind and move on when you must. Seriously, be
strong and know when enough is enough! Lettinggo of toxic people doesnt mean you hate them, or
that you wish them harm; it simply means you care about your own well-being.
A healthy relationship is reciprocal; it should be give and take, but not in the sense that youre always
giving and theyre always taking. If you must keep a truly toxic person in your life for whatever
reason, then consider the remaining points
2. Stop pretending their toxic behavior is OK.
If youre not careful, toxic people can use their moody behavior to get preferential treatment,
because well it just seems easier to quiet them down than to listen to their grouchy rhetoric.
Dont be fooled. Short-term ease equals long-term pain for you in a situation like this. Toxic people
dont change if they are being rewarded for not changing. Decide this minute not to be influenced by
their behavior. Stop tiptoeing around them or making special pardons for their continued
belligerence.
Constant drama and negativity is never worth putting up with. If someone over the age 21 cant be a
reasonable, reliable adult on a regular basis, its time to
3. Speak up!
Stand up for yourself. Some people will do anything for their own personal gain at the expense of
others cut in line, take money and property, bully and belittle, pass guilt, etc. Do not accept this
behavior. Most of these people know theyre doing the wrong thing and will back down surprisingly
quickly when confronted. In most social settings people tend to keep quiet until one person speaks
up, so SPEAK UP.
Some toxic people may use anger as a way of influencing you, or they may not respond to you when
youre trying to communicate, or interrupt you and suddenly start speaking negatively about
something dear to you. If ever you dare to speak up and respond adversely to their moody behavior,
they may be surprised, or even outraged, that youve trespassed onto their behavioral territory. But
you must speak up anyway.
Not mentioning someones toxic behavior can become the principal reason for being sucked into
their mind games. Challenging this kind of behavior upfront, on the other hand, will sometimes get
them to realize the negative impact of their behavior. For instance, you might say:
Ive noticed you seem angry. Is something upsetting you?
I think you look bored. Do you think what Im saying is unimportant?
Your attitude is upsetting me right now. Is this what you want?
Direct statements like these can be disarming if someone truly does use their moody attitude as a
means of social manipulation, and these statements can also open a door of opportunity for you to
try to help them if they are genuinely facing a serious problem.
Even if they say: What do you mean? and deny it, at least youve made them aware that their
attitude has become a known issue to someone else, rather than just a personal tool they can use to
manipulate others whenever they want. (Read Emotional Blackmail.)
And if they persist in denial, it might be time to
4. Put your foot down.
Your dignity may be attacked, ravaged and disgracefully mocked, but it can never be taken away
unless you willingly surrender it. Its all about finding the strength to defend your boundaries.
Demonstrate that you wont be insulted or belittled. To be honest, Ive never had much luck trying to
call truly toxic people (the worst of the worst) out when theyve continuously insulted me. The best
response Ive received is a snarky, Im sorry you took what I said so personally. Much more
effective has been ending conversations with sickening sweetness or just plain abruptness. The
message is clear: There is no reward for subtle digs and no games will be played at your end.
Truly toxic people will pollute everyone around them, including you if you allow them. If youve tried
reasoning with them and they arent budging, dont hesitate to vacate their space and ignore them
until they do.
5. Dont take their toxic behavior personally.
Its them, not you. KNOW this.
Toxic people will likely try to imply that somehow youve done something wrong. And because the
feeling guilty button is quite large on many of us, even the implication that we might have done
something wrong can hurt our confidence and unsettle our resolve. Dont let this happen to you.
Remember, there is a huge amount of freedom that comes to you when you take nothing personally.
Most toxic people behave negatively not just to you, but to everyone they interact with. Even when
the situation seems personal even if you feel directly insulted it usually has nothing to do with
you. What they say and do, and the opinions they have, are based entirely on their own self-
reflection. (Angel and I discuss this in more detail in the Relationships chapter of 1,000 Little
Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently.)
6. Practice practical compassion.
Sometimes it makes sense to be sympathetic with toxic people whom you know are going through a
difficult time, or those who are suffering from an illness. Theres no question about it, some toxic
people are genuinely distressed, depressed, or even mentally and physically ill, but you still need to
separate their legitimate issues from how they behave toward you. If you let people get away with
anything because they are distressed, facing a medical condition, or depressed, even, then you are
making it too tempting for them to start unconsciously using their unfortunate circumstance as a
means to an end.
Several years ago, I volunteered at a psychiatric hospital for children. I mentored a boy there named
Dennis, a diagnosed Bipolar disorder patient. Dennis was a handful sometimes, and would often
shout obscenities at others when he experienced one of his episodes. But no one ever challenged his
outbursts, and neither had I up to this point. After all, hes clinically crazy and cant help it, right?
One day I took Dennis to a local park to play catch. An hour into our little field trip, Dennis entered
one of his episodes and began calling me profane names. But instead of ignoring his remarks, I said,
Stop bullying me and calling me names. I know youre a nice person, and much better than that.
His jaw literally dropped. Dennis looked stunned, and then, in a matter of seconds, he collected
himself and replied, Im sorry I was mean Mr. Marc.
The lesson here is that you cant help someone by making unwarranted pardons for everything they
do simply because they have problems. There are plenty of people who are going through extreme
hardships who are not toxic to everyone around them. We can only act with genuine compassion
when we set boundaries. Making too many pardons and allowances is not healthy or practical for
anyone in the long-term. (Read Whos Pulling Your Strings?)
7. Take time for yourself.
If you are forced to live or work with a toxic person, then make sure you get enough alone time to
relax, rest, and recuperate. Having to play the role of a focused, rational adult in the face of toxic
moodiness can be exhausting, and if youre not careful, the toxicity can infect you. Again,
understand that even people with legitimate problems and clinical illnesses can still comprehend
that you have needs as well, which means you can politely excuse yourself when you need to.
You deserve this time away. You deserve to think peacefully, free from external pressure and toxic
behavior. No problems to solve, boundaries to uphold, or personalities to please. Sometimes you
need to make time for yourself, away from the busy world you live in that doesnt make time for you.