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"Outside
of a Bunny, a book is man's best
friend;
inside of a Bunny,
it's too dark to read. "
-
Bunsignor Douglas
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T8tooh
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Thunny
TRANSLATED, UPDATED NEW AMERICAN
EDITION OF AUTHORIZED TEXT APPROVED BY
THT COUNCIL OF TLDERS OF THE CHURCH Or.
THE BUNI{Y CONTAINING SACRTD WRITINGS
A CyberReligion for a CyberCounter-Culture
No part of this book may be reproduced in any means necessary, electrical or manual, without written
expression to the author and publisher and
q
damn
fine
excuse. This work is copyrighted in the United
States ofAmerica, and carries a swift punishment of caning to all offenders. The Church of the Bunny is
not responsible
for
any resemblance to anything in the book to any persons living or dead, or if some
material contained hereafter which might offend the world's religious groups. We are not responsible
for
any damages or
fractured
egos, decaying morality or bad vibes this volume might produce. It is a work of
satire, not to be condemned or burned by angry or offended religious leaders, and carries afine ofeternal
damnation in the Flaming Pit of Jell-O. According to First Amendment rights, this book is allowed to exist.
The Book ofthe Bunny, copyright
1995, Eric Avedissian.
Church ofthe Bunny is copyrighted
by Apple Pie Entertainment, Inc.
BUNESIS
I On the First Day, the Bunny screwed in the
light bulb. It only took one Bunny to screw the
light bulb in, because he was a majestic Bunny.
2 And the Bunny switched on the light bulb,
causing light to illuminate the dark void.
3 And the Bunny saw it was a Good Thing.
4 So the Bunny took a Nap because he grew
tired after switching on the light.
5 Thus ended the proverbial First Day of the
Entire Universe.
6 On the morning of the second day, the
Bunny got up and scratched himself. He did so
because he was the Bunny, and he itched.
7 Then the Bunny did gaze upon the
swirling Cosmos which tumbled and undulated
about the starry expanse he called the Entire
Universe. And the Bunny set upon creating
spherical objects he called "planets", which
would later be studied in astronomy courses at
universities for only three credits.
8 And the Bunny made water, wind,
atmospheric disturbances, seismic activity,
magnetic pulling of both poles, tide activity
through lunar rotation and a whole bunch of
other stuffexplained by meteorologists as
"weather cycles".
9 Then the Bunny broke for lunch, where he
filled himself with tasty carrots and grape
leaves.
l0 And the Bunny completed construction
on the Entire Universe for the rest of the
afternoon before knocking offfor a cold one at
his favorite pub.
11 And the Bunny relaxed and Napped.
12 On the third day, the Bunny continued
his cosmic construction of what he called the
Entire Universe. He invented Nebulas and Suns
and Comets and put them out in the void, for
the void was drab and needed a bit of decor to
spruce it up and give it a lived-in sort of look.
13 And the Bunny picked out one teeny
planet and called it Earth, because it was a silly
name.
14 And the Bunny set his fluQ paws upon
the volcanic activity spawned by Earth and
cooled the angry volcanoes.
15 Then the Bunny planted sod and did a
little bit of gardening and fixed up the once
barren grounds of Earth's massive continent.
16 Then the Bunny, having planted every
root, flower, tree and weed, did settle down
amongst the lush vegetation for a snooze.
17 On the fourth day, the Bunny invented
dinosaurs and reptiles and amphibians and fish.
And he rejoiced by being the Only Mammal for
light-years around. Then, he took many, many
naps and lost track of time. Millions of years
had gone by, and the dinosaurs had proved to
be rude house guests.
18 The dinosaurs made hideous noises and
emitted stinky odors from eating an abundance
of tropical foliage.
19 So the Bunny did the only thing he
deemed logical; he invented a gigantic
meteorite, fashioned it with cart and
craftsmanship.
20 And on the side of the giant meteorite, he
wrote the words, "SO LONG, SUCKERS".
21 And the Bunny did hurl the giant
meteorite towards the Earth.
A
Z And it came to pass that the Bunny did
away with the smelly old dinosaurs, who
would later make money for paleontologists
millions of years after that.
2 And the Bunny was set on creating a new
species to act as custodian over Earth's
luscious gardens.
3
*Let
me make rabbits out of my own
image" the Bunny said, and sculpted atiny
statue out of the clay left behind from his
dinosaur experiment.
4 And the statue looked pretty strange, but
the Bunny ordained it to appear so.
5 And the Bunny breathed life into his new
creation and said, "Go, for thou art to watch the
Earth and hast a grand ol' time!"
6 And the Bunny's creation was the Rabbit,
who hopped on all fours and dwelled amongst
the trees and meadows of Earth's
green
paradise.
3 Ana the first Rabbit was named was named
Nibblet, and he spent his day hopping around the
grass and partaking of a bounty of delectable
carrots and cabbages the Bunny planted for him.
2 AndNibblet was a happy Rabbit in those
early days, and drank of the waters untarnished
by chemical industrial waste and breathed the air
unclogged by automobile emissions or smog
from factories.
3 Nibblet relished the crisp evenings and the
sunny days, and did
just
about anything he darn
well pleased, for the Earth was still young and
the mammals ruled it.
4 But as time passed, Nibblet grew lonesome.
5 He saw his other animal buddies frolicking
with females of their respected species and
yearned to do the same.
6 When he questioned them about their
activities at night with their respected mates, the
other animals turned away their heads from him
and said,
"Aw,
thou wouldn't understand..."
7 Nibblet wanted to understand.
8 He really, really, really wanted to
understand.
9 So Nibblet, with his bright pink nose and
soft white fur, hopped over to the Bunny, who
sat amongst the ferns, and said,"Hey, Dad! What
art women for?"
10 So the Bunny, being the wise and
omnipotent creature he is, explained the purpose
of women to Nibblet.
11 "Really?" Nibblet said after the Bunny was
through. "No way!"
12 "'Tis true, my son." the Bunny said.
13 "Wow." muttered Nibblet, who sat in awe
for nearly an hour.
14 After his trance, Nibblet asked the Bunny
if he could also hast a mate.
15 Sadly, the Bunny shook his head and
said to Nibblet, "I designed thou to be perfect,
but if thou throw a woman into the picture,
thou're only asking for trouble. Go offand
hop amongst the bushes."
16 But Nibblet, being somewhat stubborn,
persisted.
l7 "Thou don't want a woman." the Bunny
said.
"Hast a carrot and forget the whole
thing."
18 But Mbblet, being the classic example of
a spoiled only child, vowed to hold his breath
if the Bunny did not make for him a female
Rabbit.
19 So the Bunny kneed Nibblet in the groin
really hard, and Nibblet did yell "Ouch! Why
hast thou kneed me in the groin?"
20 And the Bunny took the pain from
Nibblet's loins and made a female Bunny, and
said to Nibblet, "Let come forth the woman
from thy groin. Now, every time thou see a
woman, thy groin shall hurt."
21 And Nibblet did roll on the ground in
agony, then gazed upon the face of his newly-
created bride.
4 The woman Rabbit's name was Muft, for
her tail was bushy and soft, like the wool of a
lamb's bottom.
2 And MuE did gaze upon her husband
Nibblet with longing and desire.
3 And Nibblet did gaze upon Muft and
shout loudly, "Woo Woo! What a babe!"
4 So it came to pass that Muffy and Nibblet
began dating. They went to Snack together
by the placid streams and Nap together under
the comforting shade of the apricot trees. And
all was healthy and mutually well with their
relationship.
5 The Bunny confronted them one
afternoon with sage advice. "Whatever thou
do, do not eat of the tree bearing carrots."
6 And Nibblet and Muft said they would
not, for they were simple, obedient creatures
who hadn't a thought between them.
7 The Bunny then dismissed them, and went
offinto the world to invent a game blue-haired
old ladies would play for hours at church called
Bingo.
8 Soon, temptation came disguised as a Man;
but an evil Man wearing a straw hat and overalls.
And the Man did call himself a Farmer, and his
manners were loathsome and mean.
9 And the Farmer did sit next to Mu& and he
persuaded and egged her on, saying, "Come on,
little Rabbit! Thou can eat my tasty carrots! So
what if they grow from trees? Hast some!
They're yummy!"
10 But Muffy caved in and ate of the carrot,
plucking it from the vine.
1l And it tasted pretty darn good to her.
i2 Then Muffy showed Nibblet the carrot and
said, "Nibblet, eat of this carrot, for it is tasty and
delicious."
13 But Nibblet asked her, "Who told thou to
eat the carrot? I thought the Bunny warned us
against eating carrots from the carrot trees! Oh,
I' m so confused!"
14 But Nibblet did eat and it was yummy and
he enjoyed it. But he then got horrible gas.
15 And the Bunny did hear their belching and
came to them, saying, "H"y, I thought I told thou
guys not to eat the carrots from the carrot trees!
Boy, am I mad at thou!"
16 And Nibblet said, "Thou were right, O wise
Bunny! Women art trouble!"
17 But Muffy protested, saying, "O Bunny!
T'was the Farmer! He persuaded me to eat these
carrots!"
18 The Bunny dispensed some
justice.
19 The Bunny spanked both Muft and
Nibblet, chiding them for disobeying him. He
then turned to the Farmer and bellowed,
"Thou
art a mean little person! From now on, Farmers
and Rabbits will be sworn enemies! Thou shall
live in funny houses and wear dorky baseball caps
and chew tobacco and hast awful names like
Hoss or Cleml"
20 And the Farmer did slink away, ashamed of
his dorky name and of the tobacco
juice
running
down his lapel.
2l And the Bunny plucked all the carrots
from the trees and imbedded them into the
dirt, then said to the Rabbits, "Thou shall
hast to dig into the Earth for thour meals
now. Carrots will now be classified as Roots
and not Fruits."
22 ln the midst oftheir shame, Nibblet
and Muft hopped away from the lush
foliage teeming with life, and wound up
living in a low-income borrow by a sewage
treatment plant.
23 This was their punishment for
disobeying the Bunny.
5 Nibblet and Muft spent much time
alone in their burrow, and soon grew bored
with the Naps and the Snacks and the
pacing.
2 They both desperately cried to the
Bunny to alleviate their dull marital strife.
3 So the Bunny instructed them, "Thou
may both find it comforting, and at times,
rather enjoyable, ifthou could perform a
supreme act of procreation."
4 "What is this great act called, O
Bunny?" the Rabbits asked him. "It is called
the Great Dance." the Bunny said, and he
showed them how it was done through the
utilization of short hygiene and health films
which caused a slight giggle from both of the
Bunnies.
5 "No matter what thou do," the Bunny
said at the end of the presentation, "Always
keep one paw on the ground."
6 So Nibblet and Muffy did the Great
Dance. And they loved it. They really, really
loved it. They did it again. And after that
again. A hundred times a night they Great
Danced, Nibblet and Mufr, Great Dancing
until they both expired from exhaustion.
7 The next morning, they did the Great
Dance again.
8 And at lunch time, they spent an hour
doing it under the table.
9 All the times they did the Great Dance, they
kept one paw on the ground, out ofrespect for
what the Bunny said. But one day they grew
careless, and Nibblet lifted his paw from the
ground.
10 And the Bunny saw that Nibblet's paw
wasn't on the ground, but was instead wrapped
tightly around M.r& in a Rabbit-embrace.
11 So the Bunny did sayeth, after much
fuming, "Why don't thou hast one paw on the
floor like I told thou?"
12 AndNibblet said to him, "IJh, I musta
forgot or something."
13 And the wrath of the Bunny was felt. It
wasn't a pretty sight.
14 "Thou hast disobeyed me for the last time,
thou two naughty little Rabbits!" the Bunny
yelled as a fierce monsoon ripped apart the
borrow. "The woman Rabbit shall be cursed by
compulsive shopping and purchasing useless
objects at low prices she'll call bargains. Then
she shall bear many, many children. And many
tiny bunnies shall be her litter."
15 "The man shall be cursed by compulsively
scratching his crotch during inopportune
moments, and hast a strong adhesion to
professional sports." the Bunny said.
16 And the winds howled and the rains ripped
through the torn wilderness and the Bunny sent
them on a long journey.
O And it came to pass that Nibblet and MuSr
did do the Great Dance many times since then,
both unafraid and unabashed, for it was Spring
and that kind of thing goes on in Spring.
2 And MuS's womb became full of life, and
she did give birth to tiny Rabbits.
3 And the tiny baby Rabbits were cute
-
O so
cute!
4 Muffy did give birth to seven baby Rabbits,
whose names were Drippy, Icky, Sticky, Sleazy,
Wheeze, Breeze, and Cottontail.
5 And Muffy did nurse them in the traditional
Bunny way
-
one teat to each for nourishment.
6 And it came to pass that the Rabbits all
grew to maturity, and their vocal chords
produced embarrassing sounds, and strange
hairs grew on their bodies, and other things
grew as well, but the Bunny said this was
Normal, so they did accept it.
7 One day as the Rabbits dug the ground
for carrots, Cottontail thought evil thoughts
of doing away with his brothers so the caffots
could be his.
8 But his brothers Drippy, Icky, Sticky,
Sleazy, Wheeze and Breeze were unawart of
the fate or trickery which awaited them. So
they continued digging the Earth for carrots.
9 And then the Rabbits left tasty offerings
for the Bunny, in the form of Snacks, for the
Bunny loved to partake of Snacks from Time
to Time.
10 Drippy did leave a bag of crunchy corn
chips, Icy did leave a box of chocolate
cupcakes, Sticky did leave a can of salted
potato crisps, Sleazy did leave a nutty candy
bar, Wheeze did leave a bag ofjelly fruits,
Breeze did leave a canister of bon-bons, and
Cottontail did leave a loaf of macrobiotically-
grown, organic nature whole-wheat soy
bread.
11 And the Bunny accepted all of the
Snacks, except the Snack presented by
Cottontail.
12 "Why hast thou brought me that
garbage?" the Bunny said to him. "Don't thou
know that stuffgives me the runs?"
13 Dejected, Cottontail hopped away,
cursing the Bunny with blasphemies and
drawing obscene sketches of the Bunny on
bathroom walls.
14 Then Cottontail did chance to come
upon his brothers playing in the woods. "Thou
bastards! Thou deity-kissing bastardsl"
Cottontail cried in a lunatic frenzy.
15 And he blew them all away with a semi-
automatic weapon he purchased illegally from
the Farmer.
16 But when the Bunny stumbled across
the shambles left by Cottontail's carnage, he
said to him, "What
a mess! What happened
here?"
17 And Cottontail, being angry in the eyes of
the Bunny, said, "Thou're
the omnipotent deity.
Thou tell me!"
18 And the Bunny did smite the nasty
Cottontail with his foot, and the ground did
open up and smoke did rise from the bowels of
the Earth. "Thou hast made the Bunny very
mad here!" the Bunny said. "That wasn't a
Cool thing to do."
19 And Cottontail said to the Bunny, "Oops!
Guess I goofed, didn't I?"
20 And the Bunny said, "Yep! Thou sure
didl" and beat the hell out of Cottontail. After
the spanking, the Bunny made Cottontail sit in
the corner until he apologized profusely and
actually meant it. Then, having served his
punishment, Cottontail was allowed to roam
free, but he was never allowed to partake of the
yummiest Snacks.
2I And the Bunny decreed it, and got it all
down on paper so it was legal.
7 Then it came to pass that Cottontail's
errors were forgiven by the Bunny, for the
Bunny is one hip guy who can forgive the ways
of Rabbits and other flufri creatures.
2 And then many years passed, and Nibblet
and MuSr grew very old and decrepit, and
would often complain about petty things and
began advancing in years and saying how things
were good only when they were thoung and
kids today were crazy and didn't respect their
elders.
3 And Cottontail told them to shut up, and
they did.
4 Then came the time when Nbblet and
Mu& fell and couldn't get up, and then
died, leaving no will for their son, Cottontail.
5 And Cottontail did grieve at the death of
his parents, and wear a black arm band and
brought flowers to their graves.
6 And the Bunny said to Cottontail, "Since
thy folks art dead, I'm going to hast to step in
and create more Rabbits here." And the Bunny
made more Rabbits, including one Rabbit with
big breasts that he gave to Cottontail to mate
with.
7 And in the hot, sultry airs of summer,
Cottontail performed the Great Dance with his
mate, and they multiplied like mad. Scores of
Rabbits were brought to them, and the Bunny
smoked a cigar and rejoiced in the conception.
8 And then it came to pass that Cottontail
begot Wiggles and Furkins and BooBoo and
Meeper.
9 And Wiggles begot Smedley and Fluft
and Iggy and Squeaker and Daisy. And
Furkins begot Izzy and Rosie and Fluffer and
Whiskers and Twitcher.
l0 And Twitcher and Fluffer begot Opal
and Pinkie and Winkie and Freddy.
11 And Squeaker begot Lizzy and Sniffer
and Bobs and Twinkle and Meagle.
12 AndLizzy and Meagle begot Furry and
Hoppity and Bouncy and Scooter.
13 And Furry begot Eepie and Moofie and
Boingster and Wobbly and Crusty.
14 And Crusty and Moofie begot Strom,
and Foopsie and Pixie and Dixie and Twinkles.
15 And Pixie and Twinkles begot Boofie
and Chipper and Snooty and Muncher and
Hopper.
16 And Chipper begot Tinkle and Pudgy
and Tweepers and Woozer.
17 And Woozer begot Wizzer and Boozer
and Loozer and Snoozer.
18 And Boozer begot Dizzy andTizzy and
Cupcake and Nookie and Mookie.
19 And Mookie andTrzzy begot Gumdrop
and Raindrop and Starflake and Peeper.
20 And Peeper did begot Floo$r and
Bingles and Yummer and Dingle, of which
Floofu rose to greatness.
2I AndFloo$ did grow to be a strong
Rabbit, and he owned a cabbage-picking
business and was respected by Earth's
abundant Rabbit population.
8 And the Bunny did speak to Flooff one
day, appearing to him in a dream, for that's
how the Bunny does things.
2 And the Bunny said, "Floofr, I shall
destroy the Rabbits, who hast grown jaded
and
lustful and narcissistic and decadent and
hedonistic."
3 And Floofy said unto the Bunny, "Well,
nobody's perfect."
4 And the Bunny instructed Floot'to
construct a vessel of such enornous size to
transport and save his family and the vegetable
population growing nearby.
5 "Thou shall make it a wooden crate,
roughly five feet by three feet, and fill it with
two of every kind of vegetable that grows in
the valley." the Bunny said. "For I shall send
mud-slides down and bury this tranquil valley
and kill everything which dwells in it."
6 Then Floofy said unto the Bunny, "Isn't
there something in the Constitution against that
sort of thing?"
7 But the Bunny wasn't listening and
ignored Floofu and went away, faxing him the
plans for the mighty crate and all the specifics.
8 So Floofy got to working on his crate,
enlisting the help of his sons, Ernest and
Bubba. And the male Rabbits of Floofu's family
did pitch in and help build the crate, while the
drunken Rabbits laughed at them and drank
more tomato
juice.
9 And Floofy's wife asked him what he was
doing. And Floofy replied he was building a
crate to save all of the vegetables from mud-
slides and other evil terrors the angry Bunny
was sending down upon them.
10 And then Floofu's wife said he was drunk
and he should come to bed with her. And
Floofy told her to get out of his way and
continued to construct the crate.
11 And then when the crate had been
completed, and the tiny pens and stalls inside
were cleaned, Floofu and his wife, who had
seen the light of the Bunny, began to gather up
the vegetables of the Earth for salvaging.
12 And they collected two of every kind, one
boy and one girl, for back then Rabbits could
tell the genders of fruits and vegetables.
13 And they collected the squash and the
carrot and the beet and the turnip and the celery
and the tomato and the eggplant and the okra
and the spinach and the lettuce and the bean and
the pea and the cauliflower and the broccoli and
the corn and the onion and the asparagus and
the chickpea and the radish and the zucchini and
the potato and many other fine vegetables too
numerous to name here.
14 And Floofr marched them, two by two,
into his crate, where they entered the pens and
cages and had a grand little time.
15 Then Floofi and his wife and family
entered the crate and shut the crate door and
waited.
16 And lo, in the sky, the rain began to fall.
And the Bunny made huge mud pies and lobbed
them at the evil Rabbits, and caused a mountain
of mud to fall into the valley below.
17 And it was rather messy.
18 And the Bunny made it mud for days and
nights and the Rabbits were buried under sludge
and crap and filth.
19 But Floofu's crate braved the mud, and the
vegetables were not harmed in the maelstrom of
mud that covered the valley and destroyed all
vegetation and life for miles around.
20 And during the mud storm, Floofu asked
the Bunny to cut it out. And the Bunny heard
his pathetic squeal and ceased the flow of mud
from the valley.
21 And the sewers began to slop up the mud,
and the grass became clean and shiny, and the
crate did rest upon the hill, and Flooff got out,
thanked the Bunny, and vomited over the side.
9 So it came to pass that the crate was
covered by Floo$', to deter any investigations
by nosy archeologists in the future.
2 And Floofi'did set the vegetables free,
where they multiplied and covered the valley
once again, thriving on the dead Rabbits as
compost.
3 And the Bunny guided Floo$'s family and
made sure they were taken cart of after serving
him so devoutly and gave them a home to live in
and universal health coverage and plenty of
yummy Snacks.
4 Then Floofy's oldest son, Bubba, did grow
to be a mature Rabbit. And Bubba said unto the
Bunny, "Now what?"
5 And the Bunny said, "Thou must go forth
into the world and multiply and divide and have
fun taking Naps and eating Snacks from Time
to Time."
6 And Bubba understood, and he bid fartwell
to his family and hopped offfor foreign soil.
7 And after many years of his son's
wandering, Floofy grew old and died. On his
deathbed, he said unto his family, "I want to be
remembered for my illustrious crate." And he
put his other son, Ernest, in charge of the patent
rights.
8 And after dust had settled on Floozy's
tomb, Ernest was making a fortune with Floofy
Crates, Inc.
9 But Bubba, who had been wandering for so
long, decided to settle down near the riverbank
and
join
a small community of dejected Rabbit
existentialists who wanted to find the Bunny.
10 Their leader, a Rabbit named Dumpie,
decided the only way to find the Bunny was to
dig a burrow under the Earth. "IJnder the rocks
and the soil shall we find the Bunny."
1 1 So Bubba
joined
the project and began
digging the massive pit, along with many sweaty
Rabbit slaves who dug and dug well into the
night.
12 And so the Rabbits dug the pit twenty feet
in circumference and channeled downward,
sloping in an awkward spiral past the red rock
and brown layers of shale.
13 And Bubba grew tired of laboring and
said unto Dumpie, "H.y, man! What gives! I'm
pooped with this tunneling stufi'!"
14 And Dumpie explained that the Burrow of
Babel must be built to find the Bunny, so
Bubba continued digging.
15 And on the tenth day they dug fifty
feet below the Earth, uncovering caverns
and underground streams and oil and molten
lava, but still no Bunny.
16 And Bubba's paws ached, but the
ambitious Dumpie drove him onward,
greedily pushing for more depth.
17 And on the eleventh day, the Bunny
grew angry with the digging and lept up and
scartd Dumpie, who soiled himself.
18 "Why dost thou dig into the Earth so
deeply?" the Bunny asked.
"We
dig to find
thou, O Bunny." Bubba answered, unafraid.
"I moved to the woods, not under the
Earth." the Bunny said. "If thou wanted me.
thou should hast gone to the woods."
19 "How were we supposed to know
that, thou moron?" Dumpie spoke to the
Bunny, whereby the Bunny filled in the
Burrow of Babel and hit Dumpie over the
head with a frying pan. He then cursed all
the Rabbits digging the burrow to mutter
aimlessly, like rap singers.
20 Afraid, Bubba hopped for many years,
speaking gibberish, until he arrived at his old
home where his mother, a graying widow,
spotted him.
2l
*My
son! My son! Thou hast come
home after many years! Tell of thy travels
abroad!" she said unto him. But Bubba
opened his mouth and said, "I'm okay,
moms, thou know that's the thing; I'm a
rappin' little rabbit from the hood, thou
dis?"
22 And his mother had nothing to do
with him and slammed the door in his face.
FMFNER
I So it came to pass, that all Rabbits
populated the globe, in small burrows and
holes and hollow tree stumps. And they
devoutly did the Great Dance and made more
little Rabbits.
2 And the Bunny decreed this a Good
Thing, and the Rabbits loved the Bunny.
3 And in the world's kingdoms, and regimes,
and
juntas
after revolutions, a day was set
aside to celebrate the Bunny's generosity.
4 On that glorious day, all work is
forbidden, and pleasure would be taken from
imbibing carrot
juice
and partaking of many
Snacks, and Naps would be mandatory in all
households.
5 And songs sung to the Bunny shall waft
through the air, reverberating from the temples
and forests.
6 And the Rabbits shall Hop while singing,
and hedonism would lead to more frolicking
and merriment on that day, which the Bunny
decreed would be named the Day of
Irresponsibility.
7 Onthe Day of lrresponsibility, the Rabbits
procured happiness by lounging around and
Snacking and Napping. And the Bunny said,
"It's party time." And so it was time for parties.
8 And the Bunny Danced and Hopped and
sang amonst the Rabbits, who loved the Bunny
and the Day of Iresponsibility.
9 But one Rabbit hated the Holy Day of
Irresponsibility
and loathed it greatly, for he
was the Egyptian King Ammonhop.
10 And Ammonhop became known in
various tight circles of the peasantry
as
Ammonhop the Rude; Ammonhop the Ugly
and Ammonhop the Big Fat Jerk.
11 So it came to pass that King Ammonhop
forbid the Day of Irresponsibility in all of
Egypt, for he truly despised the Bunny
because the Bunny was so popular with the
citizewy.
TZ And Ammonhop did call his Royal
Scribes into his palace and he said unto
them, "Write this down, for it shall be law in
my kingdom. Whomever worships the
Bunny or follows the Bunny shall be hunted
down and executed in the traditional
Egyptian way: covered in honey and fed to
the wild hippopotamuses.
"
13 And it became law in all of Egypt, and
the law filled the citizens with woe and
dread, for they didn't want to be covered in
honey and fed to the wild hippopotamuses.
14 But King Ammonhop's guards
captured those who disobgyed the law, and
covered them with honey and fed them to
the wild hippopotamuses. As the persecution
continued, more Rabbits perished in the
gullets of wild hippopotamuses for not
recanting the teachings of the Bunny.
15 And many sad days filled the nation of
Egypt, but King Ammonhop ruled with a
clenched iron fist, for he wasn't of the
Bunny.
16 Then the awful purges occurred, where
followers of the Bunny were tortured and
made to wear silly costumes in public, and
teased and harassed by the King's loyal
followers. And it seemed a grim time for the
world, and all of the Bunny experienced
sadness.
17 During the time of distress and despair,
there arose in the kingdom a young
journalist
whose controversial articles were
blacklisted in King Ammonhop's papers. So
this young man did write for an underground
press instead.
l8 And this young journalist,
whose name
was Hefner, was targeted for deletion by the
King for publishing such controversial works
the monarchy often denied and repressed.
19 But young Hefter was not repressed; and
he felt soffow for those the King punished so
unmercifully.
20 One day, while Hefner was busy producing
his underground paper with a few of his college
buddies in his parent's basement, the Bunny did
come to him.
2l And the Bunny spoke unto Hefner and said,
"Thou shalt receive my light and be the ruler of
thy own dynasty, a free and happy dynasty to
challenge the evil King Ammonhop and liberate
Rabbits and Man alike."
2 And so the Bunny spoke unto Hefner the
young journalist,
and said unto him, "This new
empire will be one of the mind and the flesh, a
material paradise with naked women and
expensive drinks."
2 And Hefner humbly asked the Bunny,
"O
wise Bunny, what do naked women have to do
with it?" To which the Bunny replied, "Thou
shalt seek out the most beautiful coeds from the
ages of l8 and 26 years ofage and search their
bodies for any blemishes or markings. If they
have any markings, they shall not enter your
kingdom."
3 And the Bunny said, "But if they are free of
any such blemishes, they will be hailed as children
of the Bunny; and thou shalt engrave their
likenesses, bare and unclothed, in exotic locations
for all to see."
4 And Hefner said, "But won't this arouse
most men and cause embarrassing bulges in their
tunics?" And the Bunny replied, "Yes, it will, but
what's wrong with that?" And Hefner answered,
"I understand, O Bunny. Thou art indeed wise."
5 The Bunny said unto Hefner, "Thy
publication shalt be stored under the mattresses
of every high school boy across the land, who
lust after the beautiful women thou showcase."
6 Hefner said unto the Bunny, "How shalt I
showcase the bare, unclothed young women?" To
which the Bunny said, "I shall create something
called a centerfold, on one side of which will be
engraved the likeness of the bare woman on three
joined panels, and on the other side shall be
her name and measurements and trivial
information such as her favorite film stars
or her favorite desserts."
7 And Hefner wrote this down, for it is
an enlightened man who gets it on paper
first.
8 The Bunny said unto Hefner, "Thou
shalt refer to the women thou showcase in
monthly centerfolds as Playmates, and the
ravishing underlings who serve mixed
drinks for thou Bunnies, to show respect
unto me."
9 And Hefner agreed, and took up the
task, and found many willing coeds to pose
nude for his publication, and when the first
issue rolled offthe presses, he praised it
highly
10 But when King Ammonhop saw the
magazine and the bare-bunned women
smiling and posing luridly, he grew angry
and ordered the magazines to be
confiscated.
11 And the royal ban of the magazine
prompted it to be a controversial item, and
therefore extremely popular and increased
in price. Before long, Hefner became quite
wealthy from his magazine, but King
Ammonhop hated him and ordered his
execution.
12 So it came to pass that King
Ammonhop summoned his Royal Scribe
into his palace and said unto him, "I
promise a hundred gold baboons to the
Man who can bring me the head of Hefner,
and that is the new law."
13 And the dreaded law became legal
with the King's royal seal he fastened onto
it. And soon bounty hunters drifted in from
Syria, and Baghdad and Ethiopia and the
Sudan all to find Hefner.
14 And Hefner, who knew not of the
plot against him, was out one day in his
Grotto on his large mansion with many
nude women, enjoying life and eating
Snacks and drinking beer with them.
15 It was during this orgy of excess that a
masked messenger arrived and presented Hefner
with such terrible news. "Thy life is in danger,"
the messenger said, "Thou must not flee, but
fight them with thy strengths."
16 And Hefner did sob and cry and break
down on his pool float. "But what O what can I
do?" he wept. "I am not a mighty man to stop
these assassins who persecute me."
17 "Look within thyself." the masked
messenger said unto him, holding a lantern, "And
thou will find thy strengths to be close at hand."
Then the messenger fled into the night, leaving
Hefner alone to face great evil.
18 When the assassins came for him, clutching
daggers and spears and live venomous snakes
and hungry student lawyers, Hefner turned to the
sky and shouted, "Help me, O Bunny, for thou
can kick ass!" And the Bunny did answer him
and aid him.
19 And the Bunny shrank all of the assassin's
genitals and made them talk in silly accents and
threw them out into the streets like common
beggars. And Hefner did say unto the Bunny,
"Gee thanks!" And the Bunny replied, "Don't
mention it!"
20 And all was Cool as the Hefner empire
continued to gain public support and the citizens
ignored the King and bought themagazine and
frequented the clubs where the Bunnies served
drinks, which violated many of the King's anti-
alcohol laws.
21 But Hefner grew in power and prestige, for
the Bunny was on his side, and he threw better
parties than any king.
^l
J So it came to pass that King Ammonhop
grew weak and feeble and began having
imaginary conversations with his geranium
plants.
2 AndHefner, smoking his pipe and wearing a
satined-lined robe, did grow wealthy but
unsatisfied with his life as the magazine increased
with popularity.
3 One day, Hefner was being massaged by
several naked women of the Orient, who
soothingly rubbed his hind-quarters with
ointment and balm, when he felt suddenly
hollow inside.
4 "What canst I do with mv life that's more
than producing a magazine with nude coeds
sandwiched between really good articles and
interviews nobody reads?" Hefner lamented.
5 And the Bunny came unto him, grief-
stricken and sad, for King Ammonhop's law
still held an icy grip over the land, forbidding
the worship of the Bunny. "Hefner, thou must
hear my words and take them unto the
people." the Bunny said. "Oppression can not
be tolerated in the eyes of the Bunny, for that
is Not a Good Thing."
6 And Hefner did oblige him, and listen to
the wisdom the Bunny gave him with eager
ears, for he desired to see freedom in Egypt.
7 "Go forward and present Snacks to the
multitudes." the Bunny said. "For in a Good
Snack lies a companion and friend. Eat
Snacks from Time to Time, for the occasional
Snack is the best kind ofSnack."
8 And the Bunny said, "Fun is of the Bun,
and Money is of the Bunny."
9 "Find
yourself a Bunny and make him
your own. Pet the Bunny, Cuddle the Bunny,
but most of all, feed Snacks unto the Bunny."
the Bunny said.
10 "On the First Day I created the Entire
Universe and took a Nap. I have taken a Nap
every day since, and heartily recommend it."
the Bunny said.
11 "Look for me in the forest, for that's
where I'11 be. Besides, it's pretty in the forest. "
the Bunny said.
12 Armed with this knowledge, Hefner did
spread it unto the people, who have lost all
Hop in the Bunny, but who began Hopping
after Hefner told them. And the citizens of
Egypt began to pack their belongings and rent
hauling trucks for a long migration away from
Egypt, away from King Ammonhop.
13 And as the procession marched down
the avenue, King Ammonhop watched and
became angry, and beat up a few eunuchs in his
harem. Then he said unto his Military Chieftain,
"Who told them to leave? I've got a deadline for
my pyramid in twenty years!"
And the Chieftain answered, "It was Hefner who
told them to leave."
14 So King Ammonhop became furious, and
stabbed a street mime, and headed for the
Temple of the Bunny, which had been closed for
years because of his law barring any worship of
the Bunny.
15 And King Ammonhop took a torch to the
Temple of the Bunny, shouting, "Thou huge,
long-eared, carrot-munching phony! I spit at thy
feet and fondle thy sister!" Then he set the
Temple of the Bunny aflame, and yelled curses
into the air.
16 And the followers of the Bunny did weep
and call the King a loser and a nerd.
17 And King Ammonhop had them arrested,
and sung naughty songs about the Bunny, for he
was a truly evil dude.
18 When the Bunny beheld such atrocities
and blasphemies at the desecration of his temple,
he sent down seven Bunny Plagues to kick the
crap out of King Ammonhop and his followers.
19 And the first of these plagues manifested
itself in the form of acute diarrhea, and all in the
kingdom felt the low rumblings and sheer
discomfort in their guts, and needed fast relief.
So they all headed for the toilets, and sat for
hours with a sickening feeling inside them.
20 Then the skies darkened over Egypt, and it
began to rain leeches, which clung to everyone
and everything, and it was quite a grotesque
sight, especially when citizens trodden upon the
leeches on the ground.
2I And all of the cereal in the kingdom turned
to earwigs, and the children were most upset,
for they had to chew crunchy bugs at breakfast,
which wasn't a nutritious thing
22 Onthe next night, the people were roused
from their beds by a storm, and it had begun to
rain bile throughout the kingdom, and the stench
was overpowenng.
23 Then all of the dogs in the kingdom were
transformed to have the heads of cats and the
bottoms of lemurs, and they made stupid-
looking pets, and people were afraid to walk
them for fear of what their neighbors might
think. So the animals died and had to be
stuffed up chimneys as a cheap source of fuel.
24 The next day, a plague of cosmetic
salespeople fell upon the kingdom and
attempted to sell a particular brand of
cosmetics to the women and the men, and they
were truly annoying and spoke of good
bargains, but nobody wanted to hear it, even
though they tried to pass out free samples, and
it was most dreadful.
25 And the Bunny caused the silliness of
every male in the kingdom. Grown men
dressed as babies or chimpanzees and talked in
comedic voices while bashing themselves on
the heads with sausages and mallets, and even
King Ammonhop's palace fell victim to this
plague of silliness.
26 Then, while his family painted
themselves blue and purple and danced to
Mariachi music played by a band dressed as
aardvarks, King Ammonhop sunk to his knees,
for he was a broken man. And he cried unto
the Bunny, "Okay, okayl Enough already! I
apologize to thou, O mighty Bunny! I have
been a dork all this time!"
27 And the Bunny nodded, because he
agreed, and said unto King Ammonhop, "Thou
shalt let my followers go!" And the King did
let them go, all of them left the kingdom of
Egypt and the Bunny followed them across the
barren dessert, far away from the King's
oppressive regime.
28 But Egypt still remained a very silly
place.
4 And so it came to pass that Hefner was
crowned Chief Priest of the Bun, and settled
his people among the lilies and the streams.
And they lived out a frugal existence foraging for
Snacks and taking Naps.
2 But the Bunny came to Hefner one day and
said, "Thou must lead your people to greatness,
for the way of the Bunny isn't too shabby."
3 And Hefner puffed on his pipe and he
agreed with the Bunny, for the Bunny had
always been right beside him.
4 And the Bunny presented Hefner with a list
of laws he'd inscribed carefully and diligently, for
he was the Bunny and he did things in that way.
And the Bunny presented Hefner with these
tablets made of solid Formica, for Formica lasts
longer than clay.
5 And the Bunny said unto Hefner, "Hefner,
take these tablets from my nimble paws." And
Hefner took them and asked, "What are these
tablets I have taken from thy nimble paws, O
Bunny?" And the Bunny replied, "They are the
laws I inscribed with patience and diligence, they
are to be known as the Bunny Commandments."
6 And Hefner was impressed, and the Bunny
said unto him, "Hefner, the Bunny
Commandments shalt be followed and obeyed by
every one of my followers, even the sloppy ones
who show up late for meetings and sit in the
back and have mustard stains on their shirts.
Even they shall adhere to these
Commandments."
7
"But why shalt we, thy humble followers,
blindly obey your laws, O Bunny? Shouldn't thy
love be enough to sustain us? Must we cringe
and adhere to thou like children?" Hefner asked.
8 And the Bunny said unto Hefner, "Hear the
words I speak to thou, for the Bunny is Peace,
and Peace has decreed it so. Besides, they'd look
great hanging on someone's wall."
9 So Hefner made more money by inscribing
the Bunny Commandments to small plaques
hung in rest homes and dens, for they were
inspiring words the Bunny wrote.
5 So it came to pass that the Bunny said unto
Hefter. "Take the Bun Commandments to the
people, and tell them they are Good, and tell
them everything is Cool."
2 AndHefner did as he was told, and held
the Bun Commandments aloft and presented
them to the people and said unto them, "Hear
me now, folks! Can I have thy attention,
please? The Bunny has entrusted me with
these Commandments that will make our lives
interesting, if not funny from Time to Time."
3 And the people did see the Bun
Commandments and they took them in, and
legal scholars studied them, and they indeed
were Cool. But one faction, a faction which
divided itself from the path of the Bunny,
thought the Commandments were Bogus.
4 And the divided faction worshipped the
Turtle, and not the Bunny, for the Turtle
became a false idol. And artisans sold
sculptures and miniatures of this false idol,
and Turtle T-shirt vendors abounded, too.
5 Those who were of the Turtle ignored the
Bunny holy days and the Bunny lifestyle, and
they wore neckties and carried briefcases and
joined
restricted golf clubs and thrived on
greed and expensive, shiny objects.
6 And Hefner did see this and say unto
them, "Why hast thou turned from the flu$i
ways of the Bunny? Hast thou forsaken the
fur of the Bunny for the plush of the cardigan?
The Formica of the Bun Commandments for
the leather of briefcases?" And the Turtle
followers said to him, "The Bunny is for
losers! We'll never bow to the Bunny!"
7 And the Turtle followers strayed from the
path, and the Bunny appeared to them during
one of their daily power luncheons and said,
"Why hast thou ignored me? Thou never call
or write anymore. I'm beginning to feel
snubbed." And the leader of the Turtle
followers, a huge idiot named Reginald, said
unto the Bunny, "Thy ways are stupid and thy
wanton self-gratification is not of the Turtle.
The Turtle is anal-retentive and bereft of
pleasure."
8 So the Bunny lashed out at them and
isolated them from the world, and spilled their
notebooks and briefcases across the dessert, and
submerged them in a Flaming Pit of Jell-O he
invented, a dark place reeking of filth and nausea
and sour-smells which saturated the soul and
burned the senses.
9 And the Bunny made the Pit of Jell-O lime
flavored, for nothing is more disgusting than
flaming lime Jell-O.
10 And the Bunny folded the huge Pit and
stuck it in an astral dimension only the truly
wicked and those Not of the Bunny were taken
and dunked. And this place of misery also had
other tortures such as disco, bellbottoms, Elvis
memorabilia and country line-dancing.
11 The Bunny said unto the deserters, "Thou
hast offended the Bunny with thy repressive
ways. May all who strike against the Bun be cast
down into the Flaming Pit of Jell-O, for that is a
place terrible and vile."
12 And the Bunny took them and cast them
down into the Flaming Pit of Jell-O, and they
burned and tasted the pungent aroma of lime
Jell-O, which encased them and caused them to
go eternally mad.
13 And those who escaped the madness were
driven insane by line-dancing Elvis impersonators
wearing mood rings and throwing pet rocks at
them. And all who opposed the Bunny perished,
and that was a Good Thing.
14 Hefter did see this, and tell his people
about the end of the Turtle Cult, and his people
rejoiced and Hopped and Snacked and took
more Naps to thank the Bunny for casting their
enemies down into the Flaming Pit of Jell-O.
15 And the people did party hard for many
days and nights after that.
16 And Hefner did tell them of the Flaming Pit
of Jell-O, and it must be avoided. And the
people did heed his words, for ending up with
their bottoms scorched with burning gelatin
desserts wasn't high on their agendas.
17 And it came to pass that Hefner married
one of his Bunnies. a beautiful centerfold who
had gorgeous breasts and squishy hips. And
through her squishy hips came a son, an heir to
his Priesthood, a son named Roger, who was a
Rabbit.
18 And Roger the Rabbit was blessed by all,
who called him "really cute."
19 Hefner raised Roger the Rabbit to hop
and eat Snacks and wear furury clothes with
bowties. And Roger wore the clothes and
became a devout follower of the Bunnv.
ROGER
I So it came to pass that Hefner grew old
and died, and was buried in an ornate crypt in
the middle of his Grotto, and his funeral was
attended by several nude women who wept
openly, then went home with the pallbearers.
2 Then his widow did grieve, and she, too
went away, and had a lucrative business
raising weevils.
3 And the son of Hefner, Roger, grew into
a strong Rabbit and looked after his father's
estate.
4 But time passed and he soon grew jaded
with the plush surroundings and the naked
coeds who frolicked about the fountains and
statues, so he became glum and passive.
5 Roger, who was the leader of his people
and the Chief Priest of the Bunny, looked to
the Bun Commandments for inspiration and
guidance. And he found them badly cared for
by the mansion servants, who failed to polish
the Formica until it shone brightly.
6 So Roger decreed it a Good Thing to
house the Bun Commandments in a huge
temple, the mother of all temples, the grand
temple of all Bunnydom. So Roger proposed
the construction of Bunny World, a theme
park/temple to house the Bun
Commandments.
7 And he called his chief architects and
builders to his side and gave them the
blueprints, and they said unto him, "Gee, that's
a good idea, boss." And promptly left to begin
their hearty labors.
8 And Roger did sit on the throne of
Hefner, and rule over his kingdom with the
words of the Bunny. And it came to pass that
two hysterical women came to Roger to
complain. One woman claimed an infant they
brought was hers, and the other claimed that
the baby was hers. Roger looked at the baby,
tickled the baby's chin, and said, "Koochie,
koochie, koo!"
9 And Roger said unto the women, "Babes,
do not distress me. I
judge
that the infant is no
longer thine. He's mine nowl Ha ha ha!" And
Roger threw a cream pie in their faces and
raised the baby as his own.
10 And the construction of Bunny World
continued; a wondrous feat for his gifted
architects and builders, who laid the foundation
and asked the Bunny to bless it. And the
foundation boasted grand avenues and tree-
lined pathways and walls. And the main
temple, called the Magic Castle, had silver and
white turrets and several gardens. The Happy
Dome, adjacent to the Magic Castle, had snack
vendors and vibrating floors and funny, warped
mirrors.
11 And the Bun Commandments came to
rest in the Magic Castle, in the secret vaults
lined with gold and bronze and zebra-skins and
molded plastic.
12 Within these secret vaults blessed by the
Bunny and guarded by sacred pink Bunny
spirits, the Bun Commandments were placed in
a gleaming hollow beer keg inscribed with the
holy writings of the Bunny. And this became
known as the Keg of the Covenant, for the
Bunny liked it and thought it was Very Cool.
13 And Roger sanctified the Keg, and the
Bunny said, "This is the most sacredest thing
I've ever seen. Guard it well, for to lose it
would not be a Good Thing."
14 And Roger did guard it, and Bunny
World teemed with pilgrims making their
Bunny
journeys
to see the sacred Keg and the
Bun Commandments, for a steep admissions
fee which included complimentary Snacks and
amusement rides.
15 The people did love Bunny World, and
patrornze it greatly, and some vendors sold T-
shirts and popsicles and souvenir ashtrays and
balloons and Bunny-ear caps, and
contraceptive devices, and postcards.
16 And Roger hired the village idiot to
wander through Bunny World in a pink Bunny
costume and greet visitors.
17 And all was good and blessed and tranquil
with Bunny World, for Bunny World raised lots
of money for the Bunny, and the Bunny enjoys
money.
,rl
Z' So it came to pass that Roger did grow tired
ofthe thousands ofconcubines and sex slaves he
dated in his Pleasure Palace that he dumped
them all in one weekend. And they did call him a
jerk
and flaunt their wares in front of him, and
told their girlfriends what a creep he was.
2 And Roger got a bad reputation among the
female concubine community.
3 But he soon met, married and mated a pure
woman named Jessica. And Jessica was beautiful
and macromastic- and he loved her round breasts
and other soft parts.
4 And Roger and Jessica did marry in a
festival celebrated by the loyal followers of the
Bunny, and the blessings of the Bunny were
upon them, not to mention really groovy
wedding gifts like salad shooters and table
settings.
5 And with his marriage to Jessica, Roger
knew love and happiness, and declared unto his
friends that "Love
is a natural Bunny thing, and
everybunny should have somebunny to love."
And with these words, he pledged his eternal
love to Jessica, who fondled him nightly and
wore expensive lingerie for him.
6 Roger, now realizing that love is more
rewarding than working retail, composed an ode
to his beloved Jessica. And the ode was called
The Love Song of Roger, and goes thusly:
7
"Whom shall sayeth love is blind, has never
seen my wife climb out of the bath in the
morning, for the water droplets cleave to her
body like rock climbers, never letting go for fear
of falling, clinging with cherished attempt to stay
perched on her bosom."
8 "For love is the sweetest thing in the
Universe, except maybe a fudge-nut sundae, but
even a fudge-nut sundae won't make thou wear
interesting costumes made of leather."
9 "And of this love I sing, for hate speaks in
muffled-up words and stony glances, while
love speaks with a tongue stuck in thy ear."
10 "Love makes the world a happier place,
for I know I am happy when I am with
somebunny I adore so deeply, that I don't
mind nibbling at her toes; that's love for thou."
11
"Without
love, one is like a doctor
without patients; all degreed-up with nothing
to show for his practice."
12 "Love can stop wars and start them; it
cantear down mountains or build them; it can
stay up all night, party in bars, get drunk in
alleyways and grope about in cars during
drive-in movies or it can stay home and do it
in front of the television."
13
"The warm tingling giddiness which fills
my heart and burns my gullet must be love;
either that, or the chili burrito is responsible."
14 "If a man comes to me and tells me he
has not found love, I will pity him; whereas, if
a man comes to me bouncing with glee
because he has found love, I'll tell him to get
lost. "
15 "My wife and I share a love which is
unbreakable by time, unbound by distance, and
unthinkable by my mother-inlaw."
16
"When taking a tender woman to be
betrothed, one must treat her like a goddess,
for she is thy supreme being; one must anoint
her feet with rose petals and rub her back with
olive oil, then pledge thy eternal love to her in
song and drink it down with wine. Then, when
she's drunk enough, get her to sign the
prenuptial agreement. "
T7
'I
sing the song ofthe ages, of love
undying and new, of virgin spring showers and
delicate flowers and of soft, cuddly things that
drive women bonkers."
18 And with these final words, Roger ended
his love song to his wife Jessica, and they both
settled down of a plush divan and drank beer
and fell asleep to the waves crashing on the
shoreline.
19 And their love lasted many fruitful
years
and they multiplied and had many kids and they
loved their kids and the kids loved them and it
was oh-so-Brady Bunoh. And Roger
campaigned for family values and was elected to
government and became the headstrong $tatus
symbol for families everywhere.
20 But Roger still threw custard pies at
opponents ofthe Bunny, and drenched them in
seltzer, for that was a Roger thing to do.
Subj : Bunny Apocal ypse
Fr om: Er i c G. Avedi ssi an, 74454, I 4I 2
To: al l who hop. . .
10: 53: 31 AM
wi t h t he r ecent wave of f l ami ng, l et '
Book of t he Bunny, hardcover edi -t i on,
Sect i on: Li mbo
#698363
Sat ur day, Jul y 16, 1994
s t ur n t o t he r evel at i ons of t he
chapt er 276, sect i on L:
BUNNY APOCALYPSE
As decr eed by t he most Hol i est Bunny, t he Tr ue Bunny, t he Hi p and
Cool Bunny of Wi ggl e and Hop: These pr edi ct i ons ar e f r om t he l i ps of
t he Bunny r egar di ng t he end of ci vi l i zat i on on Ear t h, t hi r d pl anet
f r om So1, Mi l ky Way Gal axy.
On May 2, 2000, t he wor l d wi l l be under sj - ege by a gi gant i c Tur t l e
beast . The f i er y Tur t l e, whose mal f or med and scabby body shal l cr est
t he waves of t he wor l d' s oceans, sha11 do bat t l e wi t h t he Bunny. The
Turt l e wi l l horde al l - snacks f rom humani t y and pl ague manki nd wi t h
t er r i bl e " Knock, Knock"
j okes.
Bewar e t he Tur t l e! He i s t he Ant i - Bunny, t he pr ocur er of unf unny
one- l i ner s and puns, t he br i nger of dest r uct i on t o ALL LI FE ON EARTH!
Wher eon May 2
|
2A00 ( most gl or i ous year ) , t he Bunny shal l mani f est
i t sel f and do Bat t l e wi t h t he Tur t l e. Such Bat t ] e shal l be her al ded
by t he ar r i val of t he Four Rabbi t s of t he Apocal ypse: Roger ' Bugs,
Thumper and Oswal d. The Bunny and Tur t l e wi l l f i ght on t he st r eet s,
i n t he deser t s, i n t he mount ai ns, pl ai ns, gr assl ands and t undr a,
l eavi ng i n t hei r wake devi st at i on, i nf l at i on, st ar vat i on and a myr i ad
of " Fl i nt st ones" mer chandi - se t o i nf l i ct mi ser y on t he wor l d' s
popul at i on.
The Bunny wi l l be Ear t h' s l ast sal vat i on, f or i t shal l wi n t , he
Bat t l e and dest r oy t he evi l Tur t l e! Ri si ng 50 f eet hi gh, t he Bunny
sha11 pounce upon t he vi l l ai nous Tur t l e wi t h huge, f l uf f y paws. I t s
cuddl y f ur wi l l - r ub agai nst t he Tur t l e, causi ng t he Tur t l e t o wi nce.
The Bunny' s t wi t chi ng nose wi l l sni f f out evi l and vanqui sh i t . The
Bat t l e wi l l cr oss cont i nent s and st i r f ear and t r embl i ng i nt o t he
hear t s of peopl e, f or t hey wi l l be uncar t ai n of i t s out come, even
t hough t he Bunny shal l wi n by pi nni ng t he Tur t l e under a mount ai n of
concr et e af t er bl udgeoni ng t he Tur t l e wi t h t he Empi r e St at e bui l di ng.
And t he dr eaded, humor l ess, pungent Tur t l e wi l l emi t one f i nal
f l at ul ent gasp and expi r e. Then t he Bunny wi l l beat hi s paws i n
t ri umph t o si gnal t he New Begi nni ng f or humani t y.
And humani t y shal l come unt o t he Bunny and put away t he sensel ess,
mat er i al i st i c, cheapl y- made pl ast i c sal ad t ongs, f or t he Bunny has
bet t er t ongs. They shal l have an abundant suppJ- y of snacks. Love wi l l
f l ow copi ousl y t hr ough humani t y. Oneness shal l be achi eved t hr ough
compassi on and beaut y.
And t her e, ami dst t he r ui ns of a ci vi l i zat i on l - i t t er ed wi t h t ur t l e
shel 1 f r agment s, shal l - be t he Bur r ow of t he Bunny, who wi l l r esi de on
t he gl or i ous, beaut i f i ed, r ent - f r ee Ear t h.
Radi cal - changes wi l l come, chi l dr en of t he Bun. Hol l ywood wi l l
make i nt el l i gent , ent er t ai ni ng and t hought - pr ovoki ng f i l ms f or
ar t i st i c r easons. Pol i t i cal par t i es wi l l di sol ve i nt o bowl i ng
l eagues. Kar i oke wi l l - be consi der ed a cr i mi nal act . Conveni ence
st or es wi l l act ual l y be conveni ent . Peopl e wi l - l - f eel war m and f uzzy
i nsi de and peace sha1l r ei gn supr eme over t he wor l d' s comput er
net wor ks.
Hai l t he Bunny.
Love t he Bunny.
Looki ng f or a st r onghol d of sol i t ude i n an ot her wi se
CONFUSI NG, ABYSMAL wor l d? Ar e
you
a seeker of
j ust i ce
and FORTI TUDE? Do
you
er ave a saf e haven t o
devout l y seek enl i ght enment whi l e soci et y RAGES
out si de
your
door ?
Then l ook no f ur t her ,
pi l gr i m. . .
*Sil#Ttl$i H*l#il#.-Glt#i
B
I,*FEffi',Gi
Gan
you hear Ar mageddon shaki ng i t s cyni cal f i st at
you when you
hop away on a ser ene cl oud of mer r i ment n t r anspor l ed by t he
Bunny? The Bunny i s Peace. l OO% Peace and t r anqui l i t y. I hear
your
skept i ci sm, br ot her , but i t ' s t r ue! l , t oo was a l one sl ave t o
t he mani pul at i ve syst em
.
unt i l t he Bunny t ol d me punchi ng i n at
t hat dul l ni ne t o f i ver woul d l eave me
par al l i zed i n an ar mchai r at
35 whi l e al l my f r i ends pl ayed
squash or dr ove t hei r f ami l i es t o
expensi ve r est aur ant s t hat ser ved oct opus ent r ees. What ki nd of
l i f e i s t hat ? The Bunny wi l l br i ng
you peace, t ot al peace,
ABSOLUTE peacen l eavi ng you f r ee t o do t hi ngs you nevel
cont empl at ed bef or e l i ke bungee
j umpi ng
or wi ndsur f i ng. Can' t
you
f eel t he pr essur e
of t he wor l d sl i di ng of f t hat wor r y. l aden skul l of
your s?
| know I can, and i t ' s al l t hanks t o t he Bunny.
TFm CHURCH OF TFm BUNNY, INC . "Better than dying alone. "
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15.
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THE ONLINE ORIEINS OF THE EHURC,H
The Church of the Bunny
began one day in 1990,
placing it the first real
church of the 90's, when
the Bunny appeared to
Rich Coleman and
prompted him to see the
Light. Actually, Rich's
entry into the good
Church came about after
he defiled a religious
comic book, drawing
elongated horns ofthe
figure of God, thus
transforming the holy
image into that of a
rabbit. It was this act of
blasphemy that turned
into golden salvation.
The Church of the Bunny
remained dormant until
one day in the Spring of 1994 when Rich, entering into a flame war online in CompuServe's
RockNet, left a message describing the Bunny, and the subsequent Church that would
eventually follow. The sysops on RockNet bannished Rich, now Pope Rich, to the religion
forum, where it has remained in Limbo, gathering followers and making friends from all over
the world. This silly, quirky, oftbeat CyberReligion is the meeting place for all kinds of
interesting people (interesting in many ways). Suffice to say, the Church is growing rapidly,
like a rabbit's breeding schedule. Official Papal statistics indicate that by the end of the
century, one out of every ten people on Earth will belong to the Bunny.
I5 THIS NEEDLESS. DESTRUETIVE BEHAVIOR?
Heck, no! By
joining
the Church of the Bunny, or COB as we prefer to call it, you're
guaranteeing yourself a life of friends and merriment. Online and ofiline, members will
be treated with utmost respect and dignity. The organization has the ID numbers of all
its members, and we do keep records of the initiated. The Church that claims It All
Started As A Joke continues to prosper, as long as there are those of the Bunny.
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Pope Rich, the Only So Far, wearing Papal
6'Party
Headgear". Born in Englando Rich
emigrated to the U.S., where he settled in
Virginia. IIe is the absolute authority and
founder of the Church of the Bunny.
The founder and leader ofthe Church ofthe Bunny,
Inc. is Rich Coleman, known to Bunnyhood as Pope
Rich. He conceived of the idea of the Church ofthe
Bunny in 1990, but it wasn't until the spring of 1994
when he went online on CompuServe with the idea.
This zany family we've become owes everything to
Rich, who became the first to hear the Bunny speak.
Bunican East, known as Pope
Central, where Rich commands
the Church of the Bunny via
modem, is Pope Rich's house in
X'alls Church, Virginia. The long
window on the right is the pope's
quarters. The little step-stool
below the window is there for
Pope-Groupies.
The Papal Workstation, located in
Bunican East. Ilere is the infamous
Leading Edge WinPro 486
"Modem
Toaster". To the right of the CPU is the
primative Papal Dot-Matrix Printer,
and on the top shelf, (between the cards)
is the Papal Scanner. Pope Rich keeps a
benevolent watch via his computer, the
basic tool for this CyberReligion.
g
Gnttery of ttst @tsurrb of tbe
T8runny,
lJnt.
Executive Vice Pope TJ. Known to
most as TJ Maher. he was the
original Vice Pope, when
circumstances allowed him to
invent another rank, the Executive
Vice Pope. TJ, close friends with
Pope Rich the Only So X'ar, is one
of the Bunny's favorite party
animals.
Vice Pope Doug, who in reality
masquerades as Doug Sandlin. Doug
operates Bunican West in California,
our link to the other end on America
Doug and shares many anecdotes with us
about his wife, Priestess Debbie, Karoke
night (he sings at a Karoke bar almost
every night), and other oddities of the
Bunny.
Prophet Yog SigOth and Bundinat ChrisP.
Chris Presta of Columbus. Ohio has been a
long-time member of our synchronated
disaster known as the Church of the Bunny.
She married Prophet Yog SigOth in
October of 1994, probably the first time
anyone
"of
the Bunny" were united. We
wish them well.
HUT.IITAI{ EAST
rF*pe
ftich the First and
Only So Far
r[]Vl]'llJ
& Hrily Hluther f.N
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thn Mnnk
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Yng ['IurBum &
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tHearJ
Pre,*cher Suaie
X-I0HTIIHAST RH#,IflH
rElise
fifnn
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Dan
.Hsfohio'tn'
Tur[letarufo &
Bunny Bsrnnie
rlt.
Juninr
Grade Pope trie
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EVERYBODY NEEDS IDENTIFICATION
How can we tell our Lefties from our Righties, our Ups from our Downs, our Ins from our
Outs? Elitism is like herpes; it's an ugly word. We don't want to pressure anyone into
joining
the Church of the Bunny. We're also not into posh bragging or disgusting displays of
enormous egos. No, we're a simple Church, an efficient Church. We're a Network Church,
born from computers. Still, there's something comforting about possessing an actual
"membership card", which tells the world,
"H.y, world! I'm a proud member and supporter
of the Bunnyl" So go ahead; you need the credentials below. Cut it out, write your name and
date on it and keep it in a safe, dry place (wallets and purses are popular). DO NOT fold,
mutilate or destroy the card; doing so nullifies your standing at the Church of the Bunny and
puts you on the official Bunny Desecration List. The card is your offrcial membership card;
DO NOT give it to an Enemy of the Bunny, for such an action would be treason. Feel free to
make copies of the card and give them to friends or family, though. We need all the
supporters we can get. Upon your death, card must be burned in a sacrificial fire so no Evil
Conspiracy can use it to their advantage
U,tl,t {,lsurtlt of tbe
ftuuny
OFFICIAL LEGIT MEMBER
This is to certif)' that
has been duly initiated into the COB dnd is entitled to all the rights
and privileges ofthe Church, including performance ofthe Holl,
Hop, Great Dance and the taking ofSnacks
from
Time to Time.
.c:',i;i:,ii|!!:.*^,,
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!-OF TRUTH
' \
cne BUNNY
SpeHKS
CRqCn.
frIee
$I\HCKS
fOR
HLtl
Ever get burning mad at those
unenlightened few who claim
to hold utmost wisdom in their
greedy palms? Boy, we can tell
you stories of the Fundies
we've encountered; bunch of
narrow-minded old fuddy-
duddies who hold outdated,
reactionary viewpoints about
religion and politics. What a
pathetic waste of humanity!
Such views simply don't belong
in a progressive society like
America, where people should be
kind and gentle,
just like Rabbitsl
You see friends, the Bunny
understands the wayward few
who mock him and tease him and
insult him to make their own
religipus beliefs seem worthY of
admiration. But the BunnY is
more. Much. much more!
The Bunny, when proPerly
emulated, is a way; a golden
pathway to salvation and
peace. Plus, the BunnY
enables the worried
multitudes to take
PlentY
of
Naps and partake of Snacks!
No sulking, no hatred, no
Fundies! Sounds almost like
a glittering par adi s e on
Earth, doesn't it?
Ever Get Pissed OffAt
Those Stinking
ruNDK\?
You can seek the cowect path of pure
Enlightenment, clirnb out of your bunker or foxhole
and enjoy 100% Total Peace, kick back, enjoy
Snacks from Time to Time, and rejoyce with wild,
carefree raptue at the Bunny. Flip on that They
Iulight Be Giants CD, unwind with a beer (or two)
and bask in unparalleled pleasure your feeble mind
has never known, all thanks to the Bunny. Ever get
sick and tired when your computer FREEZES UP,
refusing to work? Have the
jerks
been posting
insulting, even degradilrg messages in your
mailbox? We thought so, and we feel your pain.
Such vitrol is not uncofirmon in cyberspace,
especially when a few X'undamentalist Christians
who can't take a
joke
begin flaming you
mercilessly with that sadistic cruclff and burn
'em
approach. In fact, Fundies do such things every
day, all around this deranged, demented planet of
oursl Why, I'll bet someone in Europe, possibly
Brussels, is accessing the Net, only to discover with
shock and rer,ulsion that his wife has been boffing
the cottage cheese delivery Doyl Talk about
trauma.! Right now the conclusion is dawning on
him why there was curd in the bedspread! Now
that's a man who needs help...
LIKE YOU!
So you thought the Bunny would understand your
pain, and he does, the best a rabbit can.
But there's MORE! You're not safe from the
Fundies, who supposedly worship akind and just
and compassionate God who was the Prince of Peace
and Teacher of Mankind! We don't rag on Jesus. We
think he was a pretty hip dude, but a certain zealous
minoritybelieve Jesus is a vengefirl> anry monster
god who hates homosexuals, lesbians, Democrats
,
and non-Christians. You see, if you're not with
'em,
you're opposing
'em!
Understand the school yard
logic at work here?
So these Fundies, who believe the Bible to be the
literal word, of God, take umbrage and resent any
mockery of any religion, and believe such to be
blashemous, even the Bunny! So they take their
Bibles and three-piece suits and
jump
on the gand
ol' bandwagon and crusade for family values, Jesus
and conservative values, which amounts to alligning
l"hemselves to any an t i
-i
n t e I I e c t u a l, se lf-se rv i ng
cause imaginable. After the rhetoric and
propaganda, they begin to name-call, uttering such
idiotic statements as "sinner",
'blaspheremer"
and
my all-time favorite, "heretic", which probably went
out of style somewhere in the 15th Century.
So these Fundies, these Papist radicals who see
peacefrrl ends in shooting non-Christians and live
out their zombiesque fantasies in Jerry Falwell and
Pat Robertson, who feel women should be enslaved
in the kitchen, homosexuals should be stoned to
death and women who get abortions boiled in
scalding oil, have the nerve to say the Bunny, a
harmless creature at the head of a CyberReligion, is
apagan demon from the abyss, and all who form
glee from the Bunny are sinners.
Do you see the Flawed Logic here? How can a nice
little religion like Christianity, the Waltonsfarnlly of
religions, be so vendictive and spiteful? Perhaps a
zealous papacy, thirsting for blood brainwashes
millions during the church's founding, forces them
to construct cathedrals, rapes the poor out ofmoney,
cons the neurotic into believing Santa Claus awaits
them in the afterlife, and that all who disobey Jesus's
pacifist teachings will rot in hell, and have the
SI{EER GALL of cursing out those who don't agree
with them! Fundies suck! If a Fundie sends you a
nasty message, it is your duty, your sole obligation,
to report it to the Papacy of the Church of the Burny.
Our Minister of Insults will attend to them
accordingly.
lundies \uokl
non'T
you
lflBl rruEUE rHost ]ulllls!
Why? Are you nuts?! Fundies have a
sickening way of twisting and manipulating
the truth, so you'll be under their grotesque,
seductive spell. Once, educated and opened-
minded individuals with fantastic senses of
humor and funloving dispositions fell under
the comrpt, mind-manipulation of the
Fundies and were turned into slobbering,
drooling, narrow-minded bigots capable of
unspeakable eviMt's true! Do you feel
whipped and beaten by Fundie Americans
who believe freedom comes with pork and
beans, a loaded rifle and a six-pack? Do
something about it! Join the Church of the
Bunny today! Or be a Fundie.
HELP! MY EHILD IS THE
DETAON SEED!
And they will be if raised Fundie! Studies show
children are very impressionable beings; more so
than the clowns glued to their televisions watching
lnfomercials at2 a.m.l So what can be done to
spare your child ultimate humiliation and mind-
bending torment at the hands of hateful, racist fools
who think God caters to their sect indeffinately?
Rasie them Bunny! Bunnies are cute and soft, and
the Church of the Bunny has a license to be fluft.
'We're
fun, clean and wholesome, unlike certain evil
forces which comrpt young minds. Plus, we offer
free toys! Try that in a Fundie religion, where the
only thing they're giving away is guilt and
insecurity!
We at the Church of the Bunny know you don't
want TFIAT to happen to you. We know you're
confident, good-looking and healthy. We know
you're tolerant and plucky, and the Bunny wants
to keep it that way. So what happens when a
Fundie casually slips you religious pamphlets
entitled
"Jesus Was The First Crusadsr For White
America"? You slip them a Church ofthe Bunny
pamphlet, "Jesus Was The First Marx Brother".
Watch their faces glaze over with horror and
relulsion. We blow the Fundies away as far as
hilarity goes. Why, some religions manage to be
"in" on Sundays. At the Church of the Bunny,
we're available 24 hours a dayl [t's that simple!
rHI 0lrlY G00D Fulilffi F ml UllG0llsGl0us ]ulllflH
It's your call: a life of servitude at the greedy hands of Oral Roberts, Pat Robertson or Jim Baker, or
happy-go-lucky times with Pope Rich, Vice Pope Doug, Executive Vice Pope TJ and the rest of the
gangatthe Church ofthe Bunny!
cfre mvscrcnf onratDs os Bunnv ctme
IF YOU EELIEVE THE BUNNY,
ALL THINES NEVER END
Before the Founding, the world was a chaotic ball of horror.
People crucified each other, on and offtelevision, bombs
exploded, foundations shook, and holy pilgrims from
OTI{ER religious sects (we call them cults here) sallied forth
on long treks to murder other people ofdifferent sects (also
refered to as cults). So much butchery from a decaying social
order invented by primate-decended bipeds, that nobody
noticed the good things in life like Snacks and Naps and
Sex. Well, they did notice Sex, especially greedy, weasel-
faced advertisers who milked it subliminally and brazenly
until all Love on the planet died. Not like anyone stopped
from their stringent agendas of shooting, vandalizing and
dececrating civilization to even notice. Then, in abackward
society across from the Old World, in a place called the
United States of America, or simply "The States", a few
decades after a president was assassinated and another one
resigned in disgrace, someone (don't ask us who) played
around with computer networks and thought it really cool to
transmit messages via telecphone lines and computers.
But that is half the story.
Round about that time, a biped named Richard Coleman,
infuriated at religious comic books being forced upon
him in the work place, decided to desecrate the
figure of God by drawing two elongated horns,
thus enabling the True Image of the Bunny to
reveal itself to him. This was in the Old Earth
year 1990, and is recorded as the Founding, I
A.C. (Anno Cunniculi, or the Year of the Hare),
As with most great religions, the Church of the
Bunny went underground, Iost in the mainstram
except for anecdotes and references from Rich and
his friend TJ Maher. who later corenated
themselves Pope Rich and Executive Vice Pope
TJ. In 5 A.C., on a forum on CompuServe
dedicated to rock music, the Church of the Bunny
offrcially burst from underground, annoying and
enlightening the masses so much, that it was
officially bannished to the Religion Forum where
it resided under Limbo. There, the CyberReligion
attracted thousands from across the globe, a
network of dedicated fans and believers who don't
take life too seriously and revel in the wise
teachings of the Bunrry.
As time shifted to 6 A.C., the Bunny hrmly
planted his parvs in an underground cult
following, bringing people together and making
the world unified, free of violence and corruption,
and finally tranquil and unified.
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The Easter Bunny, who delivers brightly-colored
eggs to children at Easter, has his origins in
pagan mythology. The rabbit represents fertility,
a time of renewal,
just
like the Spring season,
because of their ability to produce many young.
Some parents tell children the Easter Bunny lays
the eggs they find Easter morning. Traditional
Christian theology omits the rabbit, who has
become second only to Santa Claus in America.
It is the strongest, most visible Bunny in recent
times.
pooR,Rb
Born from Irish lore, the Pookah is a
mischievous spirit or elf, who can
shape-shift at will. Its most famous form
is that of a six-foot tall white rabbit. The
Pookah, through its many pranks and
hijinx, often teaches unsuspecting
bumpkins and interlopers lessons
through its magic and trickery. A
harmless funster, the Pookah is a well-
known presence in rural Irish folklore.
Possibly connected to the movie
Harvey, with Jimmy Stewart, about a
giant invisible rabbit. Nobody is talking.
YOe
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Discussed at length in the Illuminatus
Trilogy by Robert Anton Wilson and
Robert Shea, a stoned Adam
Weishaupt gazed at an illustration of
the demon shoggoth and saw a
grinning rabbit. He remarked,*fu
hexen Hase", which was picked up by
Warner Brothers studios centuries
later in Bugs Bunny cartoons as "You
wascal wabbit!". Yog Shoggoth, a
demon from another place, appears in
the works of Lovecraft and the
Necromicon.Bad news. all the wav.
Qconted
to tbe gf;earer of this
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A total reprieve and pardon for any wrongdoings, sins, bad
vibes, evils, scandalous affairs, crimes and misdemeanors by his
most Holiest of Holy Men of the Bunny, Pope Rich the Only So
Far. Conditions for the Indulgence are as follows:
In the time after the offender, or pervert, or morally twisted depraved
individual who committed a sin, a blaspheme, a lie, or anything else too
heinous to mention unto the Bunny, has come to terms with the nature of the
wrongdoing and has confessed of his own
free
will lunto the Bunny, or to
3
representatives ofthe Bunny, said person shall be issued said indulgence to
be approved by the Pope, with the knowledge that said wrongdoing shall
be acted out in the future. If said wrongdoing is acted out by the offender, this
Indulgence is declared Null and Void and the perpetrator is subject to further
action, to be decided by the Council of the Elders.
May you never repeat these dirty things or whatever you did
that fills you with such guilt you need the Pope to pardon your
ass for it. May your filthy hide be spared from the Flaming Pit of
Jell-O and the Bunny embrace and cuddle you once more.
Bearer' s name:
Alibi's name:
Date of ofi[ense:
"I
hereby pardon youfor anything
wrong you did in the Name of the
Bunny. Naa sit in the corner
for
ten
minutes and think about it."
POPE RICH
l$nntt[ lUtone[
u'
YOWZA!! What with inflation and cormption at every maior world
financial institution, we at the Church of the Bunny thought it
necessary to devise our own currency? as to counter the realfuatds,
scarns and rrronetary manipulation and mayhem which exist in the
so-called real world- To this,
'we've
created the Dollhare, the
Church's o\ear money, which is good for buying Holy Relics, Papal
Services, or anything at our Carrot & Snack Bars coast to coast.
Just remember not to be snrpid and try spending them in OTIDR
PLACES. Franlly, we can't bail anyone out of
iail:
we're a litde
short of funds ourselves! Just remember that the Bunny Treasury
has added a SPECIAL ANTI-COUNTERFEITING device on the
Dollhare, namely, one of the Pope's putric hairs has been stitched
into the paper. The hair, treated with a super secret chernical, is
detectible on all scanners and invisible beams. Hoppy spending!
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FIRST WORLD BANK OF THE BUNNY
GET YOUR
Plotting your financial future can be scary. There's always
a CON-MAN out to make a FAST BUCK offsome poor
unsuspecting victim who's gullibe enough to fall for the
sinister ploys. The Church of the Bunny, a financial
instutution incorporated by the Council of the Elders, will
protect your hard-earned Bunny Money! Why would they
do such a thing? Charity? Good will? NOPE! The First
World Bank of the Bunny assists pilgrims and travelers of
the Bunny around the globe. I$ matter where you are, the
First World Bank of the Bunny is there, protecting your
valuables from poachers, theives and con-men!
MITS 01\ SOME COLD, HARD CASH!
At the First World Bank of the
Bunny, we deal honestlywith
your money. We believe in
GOOD, OLD FASHIONED
business, and the Bunny likes
the steady stream of customers,
especially Filthy Rich ones! We
won't patronize or degrade you
at this Bank by pandering to
your primative, mate ri a I i sti c
needs by offering free toasters of
hair dryers! At this Bank, we're
here for your Bunny currency!
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Unlike certain businesses or Savings & Loans, the First
World Bank of the Bunny offers straight, honest talk
from straight, honest members of the Church of the
Bunny. No matter where you are, we're there. Need that
extra cash in Istanbul? Trapped in a lavatory in
Damascus? Chased by cannibals in Brazil? TFIEN
YOU NEED THE FINANCIAL WZARDRY OF TFM
FIRST WORLD BANK OF THE BUNNY! Our
banking plans are tailored to your personal lifestyle, and
we know what kind of lifestyle that is! Our many
branch offices are happy to serve you, even at ungodly
hours of the nigltt, when the clubs close and you need
the money the most! Why risk it with other banks who
think rabbits are only carrot-eating rats? Come to the
First World Bank of the Bunny. We understand!
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EHURE,H OF THE BUNNY: AMERIC,AN ORIEINAL
What with an election this past November
and the government chided by the soapbox
masses, life in the United States resumes at
its catatonic and schizophrenic pace:
violence is skyrocketing, along with
biggotry and hatred, but we're still cranking out
cheese-flavored snacks and sitcoms that aren't
funny. So what's the problem, America? Why in
that slumfl Some folks will tell you it's because of
greedy foreign interests, like the oil-rich
sheiks in the
Middle East, who
are only
interested in
moneyand
terrorism. Some
would say it's
those darn
welfare mothers,
gobbling up all
our hard-earned
cash! Some
would even
accuse the
hippies of the
1960' s for
castrating God
and leading our
children into
drugs and
sodomy. Still, we
think we know
the answer
concerning
America's plight.
TI{EE3N
That's right, weary Space Cadets! The Bunny, Our Bunny, Your Bunny, knows what's
troubling this sick nation! He knows because he has wisdom reaching far back into the very
fabric of Space and Timeitself'! The Bunny is the Cosmic Phenomenon we've been searching
for all along! Why scan the skies for an old man behind a cloud when the Bunny is on the
ground, behind a bush? The Bunny knows why the hungry are hungry, why the unemployed
don't work, and why the poor are poor. The Bunny understands complicated social problems
which hold this country back and mire it into a technological fiefclom of insufferable tyrants
and cranky corporate despots waiting to pluck their own eyeballs out for the Statue of
Liberty, while the destitute rot on the sidewalk. Trust the Bunny; he knows we can all be
happy and fed nutritious snacks and work in comfy, productive jobs.
HE KNOWS!
The Ninth Wonder of Civilized Man
-
Mount Bunmore, in South Dakota, carved granite
and sanblasted rock, bearing the stone portraits of Executive Vice Pope TJ, Pope Rich the
Only So Far, Lieutenant Junior Grade Pope Eric and Vice Pope Doug.
IN THE INATTER OF POLITIES. EVERYONE I5 NEUTRAL
Most of you tried-and-true Bunnies believe the world revolves around a set of orders based on CHAOS and
SAVAGE BEHAVIO& an ancient protocol meant for the strong and hell-bent, who abuse their powers to their
own ends, much like a Machiavellian power grab. Your image of government has been distorted from the
COMMON VIEW, which sucks optimism and compassion through a narrow straw; still clinging to the banal
idealism that government actually operates for the welfare of the citizens! Well, we have news for you:
IT DOESN' T MATTER IF YOU' RE A
IDEMOCRAT oR REPUBLICAN
You see. unlike the so-called POLITICALLY CORRECT zombies populating the globe, wagrng their campaign
for an artificial, andriod-dominated society of Martha Stewart zugar-coated niceness, and unlike the conservative
FUNDIES with their wil money and "Kill for Christ" bumper stickers and diabolical master plans for Germany
to win World War III, we Bunnies believe the political spectrum to be squashed flat by dogma and indecision.
Look, if the world's problems could be solved by pulling a lever in a voting booth, do you think we'd be in the
mess we're in now? The Church of the Bunny understands that this society is plagued by gun-toting gangs and
television news anchors hyped up on hard drugs, where prostitutes are allowed in classrooms to molest the
janitors
and where Saturday morning cartoons show orgies ofblood and disgust next to religious cable channels
where white'haired Southerners beg audience members in trailor parks to donate their cash for God, and where
the United Nations receives its cueJfrom alien beings from Alpha Centauri. Nobody said it would be eaqF to
solve the world's problems. The Bunny strives to do Good, NO MATTER WHAT. So wear your silly political
buttons and keep sticking bumper stickers proclaiming party afrliation on your cars. The Bunny understands.
EGG HAR\ZEY
Bunny conspiracies. Sound paranoid? Make you want to throw this book down
and write an angry letter stating "I thought the Book of the Bunny was a
wholesome examination of a legitimate CyberReligion with substance and appeal
and not sensationalistic supermarket tabloid crap siding with vintage paranoids
like Oliver Stone, who's still combing Dealy Plaza for missing evidence of a third
grassy knoll gunman, or delusional crackpots who believe the government is
controlled by a secret orgaruzation and aliens reside in underground bunkers on a
Nevada military base."
To these accusations, we plead NOT GLIILTY. That's right! Hey, you'd think
we were crazy if we admitted all that goofr stuffwas true. Well, it isn't. JFK was
shot by a lone assassin. The government is friendly to its citizens and has
absolutely nothing to conceal from the public. And space aliens don't exist.
There! Feel better? We thought you would!
Now, to get to the real point of this section. What we try to disclose in this
chapter are the myths and fictions which surround the Church of the Bunny, such
devious fictions concocted by certain outside groups who have been deemed
Enemies of the Bunny, and who seek to destroy us by using LIES,
MANIPULATION and FRAIID to break our spirits. We at the Church of the
Bunny don't believe in such phony, slated accusations and you shouldn't, either.
So what can be done to halt the extreme propaganda machine hurling towards
us? IGNORE THE OBVIOUSI Look, if we really wanted to control the world,
we would have done it by now, right? We'd be in the White House, munching
our carrots, commanding the people of all nations to work for the Bunny. But
the Bunny isn't into power. Fact is, he couldn't care less who was running the
planet.
But the Enemies of the Bunny want to bend the truth and tell lies to everyone,
that the Bunny is evil and has come from Jupiter to enslave the population of
Earth. Now, really! Who areyou goingto believe?
Our Bunny scholars want to ensure you that we're not interested in power, and
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to prove it, we'll expose the stinking vitrol for what it is and exploit the
Enemies of the Bunny for what dirty tricks they're incorporating to
exterminate the Bunny. Such behavior cannot continue, for it isn't fair, and
the Bunny always plays fair. So we'll list the different FALSEHOODS and
BALDERDASH propagated by the ruthless Enemies of the Bunny for your
inspection. See for yourself who's telling the diving truth and who's
spreading innuendo for their own sadistic folly.
THE ENERGIZER BUNNY IS TIIE ANTI.CHRIST
Boy, they'll stop at nothing! If you haven't been living a hermit's life in a
mossy cave for the past five years, you're probably familiar with that
cuddly, pink, drum-beating rabbit Energizer batteries uses as its mascot in
many commercials. Surely the mose ingenious advertising theme campaign,
the Energizer Bunny parades harrnlessly through television and commercial
spoofs, surprising those involved with his tenacity and perseverance.
The Enemies of the Bunny have concocted a ridiculous summary to
explain the Church of the Bunny's power grab on the world stage. They
reason:
The Energizer Bunny is a mighty
juggernaut,
indestructible and
loathsome. He keeps "Going and going and going..." and is
unstoppable, much like our rumored attempt to seize world domination.
The Energizer Bunny relies on nobody. He is completely alone in his
greedy pursuits, stomping over everything and anything to carry out his
ally-less victory.
The Energizer Bunny is an unfeeling, mechanical being, devoid of a
conscence and moved by nothing.
The Energizer Bunny is driven by insatiable greed. He
journeys
from
one scene to another, causing confusion, insecurity and helplessness
in all he comes in contact with.
So you see, certain EVIL forces have blasphemed against a cute icon of
popular culture, transforming it into something wretched, when in reality,
the Energizer Bunny is harmless and benign. We see examples of such lies
being propagated daily.
MANGLED BY HISTORY
The Rabbit, in all its goodness, has been unfairly maligned and regarded with contempt by
those who consider it linked to pagan worship, fenility and wanton lust and recklessness.
Regardless of these accusations, the rabbit has endured to by synonimous with innocence,
childishness and cuddily fluffy things. Through time, mankind has spoke highly of their hopping
mammalian cousin, except early man, who sat by smouldering campfires in the neolithic twilight
and shivered, terrified of the dreaded Sabre-Tooth Rabbit. Still, with evolution as our friend, we
see the sheer
joy
bunnies everywhere impart on mankind.
Think about arabbit; the soft, floppy ears, the twitching pink nose, the vacant, almost blank
eyes. These are the endearing qualities rabbits all across the world have, and it is these same
shallow and vaccuous qualities which draw us to them.
But the Enemies of the Bunny, they have warped and perverted rabbit history to their own
nefarious benefit, corrupting this pure image with foul representations of the rabbit. Take for
example the Algonquin founder of humanity, Michabo, or Great Hare. He created the earth,
water and fish. He also created man by mating with a muscrat, which explains why the
Algonquin don't brag about their ancestors.
One of the most devious uses for the rabbit was by a New York mob at the turn of the 20th
Century, known as the Rabbit Gang, because they employed a dead rabbit on a stick to frighten
their enemies and use it as a grizzly reminder that they weren't the nice boys from across
The Rabbit Gang, a 19th Century mob, named for their grisly
inclination of waving an impaled rabbit as a symbol while
tormenting their unfortunate victims
the street. Remember in the frlm, The Godfather with the horse's head in the bed? This wasn't
that extreme, but it did get the message across.
Then there's the historic account of magicians who utrlize the rabbit in their tophats for a really
cheezy magic trick. Let's face it: the rabbits don't want to be held captive in some greasy
slimeball's hat
just
to get applause from a gang of stupid kids. And what about the horrors of
squirting hairspray in the eyes of poor rabbits
just
so some fat bimbo on Rodeo Drive buys
quality? Tell me, WHERE WILL THIS MADDNESS END??!!
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ARE YOU INTO COSMIC MIND GA}IES? DO YOU TRI"]LY
FEAR BEING IJNPOPULAR OR WORSE: PURSUED BY A
FACELESS, DARK FORM WHICH YOU CANNOT CONTROL?
HAVE YOU EVER SUFFERED SELF-DOUBT, SELF-
LOATHING OR HAD A LONG, INTENSE BOUT WITH
PARANOIA AND STRESS? FEAR NOT. BRAVE SOUL: ALL
OF US HAVE. WE HAVE
HFEN
HAND.PICKED VICTIMS OF
TTIE RUMORS AND LIES THE ENEMMS OF THE CHURCH
OF TI{E BLINNY, WHO USE DECEPTION TO GET WHAT
TI{EY WANT. BUT TFMY WILL NOT SUCCEED BECAUSE
WE ARE STRONGE& WE HAVE HIDDEN IN OUR MINDS
THE,SECR'T BUNNY PO'TER,9WHICH PROTECT AND GUIDE
US ON A LONG SPIRITUAL PATTI TO UTTERFULFULMENT.
BELIEVE IT OR NOT, THE COSMIC MIND.GAMES CAN BE
WON, AND WE HAVE A PLAN TO WIN TIIEM. TO DEAL
WITH TI'F. S E C RE T,C LAS S I F I ED C O N S PIRAC IES, ONE
MUST UNDERSTAND WHERE TI{EY CAME FROM.
RIGHT NOW, YOU ARE BEING MANIPULATED BY A
SINISTERFORCE THAT IS I]NAMED, IJNSEEN AND
UNI{EARD OF. THEY ARE TI{E MASTERS OF TI{E EVIL
CONSPIRACY, JEALOUS OF TI{E BUNNY'S POWERS.
THEY ACTIVELY SEEK OUT MEMBERS OF TI{E
CHI.JRCH OF T}IE BTJNNY AND DISCREDIT TTIEM.
SOMETIMES PUBLICLY, FORRIDICULE. DO NOT LET
T}IEM GET TO YOU. TOGETI{ER WE CAN OVERCOME
TmrR DEVTOUS DECEPTTONS AND CONQUER TlrEM.
TI{E LORDS OF TI{E CONSPIRACY WANT THE
CHURCH OF THE BUNNY ABOLISIIED BECAUSE TI{EY
CANNOT LAUGH, TI{EY FEEL NO JOY. TTIEY ARE
SOULESS, I{EARTLESS MONSTERS, UNMOVED BY
ANYTI{ING E)GPT TI{E DIATRIBES WHICH TI{EY
SERVE. DO NOT BE A TECHNO-ZOMBIE AT THE
MERCY OF SUCH HIDEOUS CREATURES. ONLY WE
CAN ESCAPE TI{EIR PLANS FOR BUNNY DOMINATION
BY REFLISING TIMM. ONLY WE CAN PLAY W]T}I
T}IEM BEFORE T}MY PLAY WITH US. IF WE FAIL, WE
WILL BE SWALLOWED UP IN A BARREN WORLD
DEVOID OF LOVE, HUMORAND HAPPINESS; CHAINED
TO A SOCIAL STRUCTIJRE ENCUMBERED BY GUILT,
HATRED AND FLAGELLATIONS. TI{EY'RE OUT
TIIERE: DON'T PLUG INTO TI{EM.
JUST WHEN YOU THOUEHT THE FU//{DIES WERE
THE ONLY WSIBLE THREAT TO THE WORLD...
Here comes the
D{r(N^Il(2N^t
coililuNl5l erryf.st
aUNNY glSrrRney
(aR
tlr ?{s?L{.
Don't move. Don't even breathe, Jack! We
thought TIIEY wouldn't tell any /ies, or tlnt
the so-called COLD WAR was as dead as a
dinosaur. We thought this because our red-
white-and-blue, true government, the United
States of America, told us this. What media
manipulation and nationalistic hogwash! The
Cold War isn't over
just
because Russia has
abolished Communism. The Cold War has
heated up, and before we break out our super-
secret James Bond-type spy stufffor
sabotage, we need to understand a rutNess
nation, whose only goal is to pervert the
teachings ofthe Bunny for a sadistic State, a
State that manipulates and dominates all the
world's Chinese Restaurants! That's right,
folks! The next time you phone-in an order at
your local Hong Wong's Noodle and Pork
Emporium, guess who's in the back kitchen,
making your meal? None other than agents of
the International Communist Chinese Bunny
Conspiracy For The People, that's who! Chairman Mao, or
"Grampsot
as he was called
YOU DON'TNEED FORTLINE COOKIE TO SEE IT
In fact, many clueless dorks like you have been duped into thinking the restaurants were controlled by private
owners; yet you can't have privitization under Communism, and the crafty, Communist Chinese leaders have
bought the world's Chinese restaurants and staffed them with super agents who put mind-altering chemicals in
their food. Do you think MSG
just
happened?! The leaders use the Bunny as a symbol of Luck; a symbol of a
Lucky Domination of the World. Through a guarded computer network in Beijing, they add subliminal
messages to the followers of the Burury, or they used to, until the Papacy of the Church of the Bunny (a Good
American institution) halted this vile process by uncovering tle messages with a specially designed decoding
progftlm. The International Communist Chinese Bunny Conspiracy For The People's leaders haven't
discovered our clever methods, so at the moment we're safe. But that could change! We urge everyone to
frequent Chinese restaurants, observing any strange activities and report them dircetly to the Papary. Left
unchecked, the networks will be in their control and the Bunny shall be enslaved and fed eggrolls and ginger
until hebursts! Remember: BETTERA BUNNY THAN A COMMIE.
ARE YOU UNSATISFIED
WITH MODERN LIFE?
Jaded with saylng
'.I\lo"
to the zit-faced punk at the drive-thru window when he asks in that
high-pitched voice,
'You
want fries with that?" Tired of the constant pressures of living in
a civilization during its decline? Looking for something more, an escape from the
schizophrenics motoring down the roadway, the despot bosses barking at you to finish your
work before deadline, the flirtatious advances of unattractive, boring people? Many would
tum to traditional religions for such relief and wind up greatly disappointed and sad their
tranquil fantasies of a pleasant etherial resting place was a load of purif ed hogwashl
rWho
will cater to the spiritual needs of the cyber sect, the video-age cult rife with pacifism and
side-splitting humor? Who will stand up against great odds, against insurmountable foes
and uniformed orthodox bullies and shriek from the highest mountain, "PRAISE THE
BLII\NY!" Who, indeed? We don't
just
claim to be the perfect CyberReligion. We've
known that for some time now.
l SAl D,
-PRAISE
HE BUHHYI
THE EHUREH OF THE BUNNY, INE.
-
WE MN'T SUEK
\
\ \ r
, /
[4'{'ry
TME EqNNY WffiNTS YOE TO DE FAMOqS
It's truel Learn valuable skills and be famous overnightl The Bunny guarantees fame,
complete fame, utter fame! Are you tired of being a zero, a nobody, a bonafide LOSER?
Are you sick of people walking all over you, ignoring your every word? Feeling alone and
paranoid, like nothing in your diseased, wretched life matters? Then you're not alone!
Billions feel the way you're feeling right at this momenl! Scores of pathetic idiots are either
contemplating suicide or worse...contemplating working at convenience stores! We know
both are dire forms of action. That's where the Bunny can help. TFIE BIINNY CAN
MAKE YOU FAMOUS! Yes, it's really real! Once you tap into the mystical, soothing
powers of the Bunny, you'llbe famous. No more will your name be an obscure thing; now
people will actually listen to what you're saying! Money and untold riches will pursue your
every move! Fame and fortune beyond your wildest dreams will manifest itself in your once
hum-drum life! Let the Bunny guide you on the path of fame. Once in a seedy run-down
bar; now sipping champagne with the elite in your cabin in Aspin. You decide!
tf
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Sex. It's a complicated concept, one which saturates our filmed entertainment and
advertisements. The thought of RAW, TINHIBITED passions overtaking our sensible, rational
minds fills some with utter dread. Why, since Sigmund Freud, have we been so put-out and
uncomfortable about the hanky-panky?
Perhaps the answer lies within the confines of psychology and mental perceptions concerning
long, sticky nights of temptuous lovemaking, or the embarrassment we feel when completely naked
with another person in the same room. All that aside, sex has taken on a surrogate role as healer in
society. Wlty,you ask? The answer is simple. People eryoy orgasms. They LOVE IT. In fact, your
average hot-blooded American would rather be glandular and horny than anything else. Don't fret.
It's human nature to want to have good and deliciously satisfuing orgasms.
That's where the Bunny enters the topic. You see, Bunnies are horny little creatures. They have
to be. They like having hours and hours of sex, because they also like orgasms. A Bunny without
an astronomical number of sexual couplings is like pancakes without syrup or America without a
national debt. You get the idea. Bunnies enjoy orgasms.
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YOU. TOO EAN HAVE SATISFYINE OREASMS
Yes, it's true! Sex CAN produce the most orgasms you've ever had in one encounter if you
follow the carnal rules prescribed by the Bunny. You'll experience a richer, more fulfilled love
life with your partner and enjoy hours and hours of dripping hot sex. We try to satisfy those
who haven't had orgasms in years, and if you're medically unable to have orgasms, YOU WLL
once the Bunny enters your life. You see, the primary tantric sex magic actually works. It's been
proven, not only in mystical occult studies but by qualified doctors under the supervision of the
United States government.In the governmental test, orgasms occur in rapid outbursts with
tantric Bunny sex magic than anything previously known to science.
The more orgasms you have, the happier you'll be with life and the more of a sunny
disposition you'll have. Physical harmony will be reached.
Using these PROVEN methods of sexual stimulation, you can give anyone several orgasms.
Those who couple with the knowledge of the Bunny have known this sexual technique for
years, and we're about to share it with you, because we WANT you to have orgasms. That is
one of our purposes...our missions...to freely distribute the knowledge of the Great Dance for all
who allow the Bunny to hop into their lives.
NOOKIE IS YOURS, ALL FOR THE TAKINE
HAVE SU WIIH
gEfrVIIfVL
PEOPLE ?4 HOUPS A DAV
That's right, gangl The velvety-soft portals of sex can open wide to accomodate you! No
gimicks, tomfoolery or hijinks! This is the NIIMBER ONE way to satis$' those dormant
primative urges you keep locked up inside you. We of the Bunny believe inwholesame and
disciplined sex, between one partner. Bunnies are monogomous creatures, but if the need rises
to sow your wild oats, then this technique will work
just
as well. In fact, our method for getting
sex can be equivicated to a powerful WEAPON. Yes, you'll master the mystical ways of our
mating rituals well enough to literally attract anyone you desire for enticing sex! Anyone!
Because the Great Dance is that powerful sort of thing; a passionate ritual underscoring every
culture in history. We at the Church of the Bunny feel the Great Dance is TFIE elixir of love.
Accept no substitutes! It can draw anyone together in it's powerful grasp, like a swooning
aphrodiaiac Whatever your fetish or kink, it'll manifest itself in your life through the Great
Dance. Your senses will reel and you'll thank us every night for it.
*#;Yweuru#ffi
f$ffffiilffiil#&nuffiffiffi
PERFEET 'EX WITH THE PERFEET MATE
We insist on having perfect sex with your perfect companion. Sure, singles bars exist for
prospecting Bunnies to hang out and attempt to entice some moron or bimbo onto your futon,
but who really pays for it in the morning? Besides catching some nasty social disease, nothing
good can come out of group groping. If you insist on sleeping aroundto get your kicks,then
that's your business. We wish you all the best and hope euethral bleeding works out fine for you.
What we do advocate instead of abstaining is to have sex with somebunny you love, be they a
husbund, matriarch or lover. TINDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES TRY OUR METHODS
WITHOUT PROPHYLACTICS. Rubbers protect against unwanted procreation and guard
against horrific diseases which could cause your genitas to turn turquoise in color and become
inflamed. If you don't want your crotch to look like a circus freak's, don't Great Dance without
the required attire. So much for our public service message. Now on to the
juicy
stufi'!
THE HISTORY OF BUNNY SEX
Bunny sex is nothing new. It has been occurring over a
span of thousands of years, with rabbits having sex,
breeding, multiplying and filling the world with their
offspring. The first cMlization to really observe the breeding
of rabbits closely was the ancient Egyptians during the reign
of Ammonhop, the first Bunny pharaoh, whose efforts led to
a breeding program which saved most of the rabbits living
along the banks of the Nile river.
It was during this time that Bunnei, the rabbit-headed god,
came into Egyptian mythology. Bunnei became the god of
procreation and fuzzy small things, and was lauded by the
Egyptian people for quite some time.
It wasn't until the time of the Romans that Lepus
Gluttonous, the Hungry Hare, entered western civilization as
the symbol of Orgies and Sexual Consumption. So the rabbit
became a fashionable symbol for sexual congress, and
continues so today.
Bunny sex reached its zenith with the prescription of the Great Dance by the Bunny, who
created it for procreation of the young, and made it enjoyable. This applies to all species and it's
performance is stimulating and bold.
Primarily, it is the GREAT DANCE which manifests all
joy
through the supreme sacrifice of a
person's clothing. Once the clothing is cast away and full nudity abounds, then can the glorious
Great Dance commence. The Great Dance can be done anywhere, at any time, but only in
private, for Great Dancing on a crowded street during rush hour is definately rn bad taste.
Once the primary selection of mate is chosen, and the consent is given orally (or anally), only
then can both entertwine and do the Great Dance.
"H.y, Babe! Your palace or
mine?"
[ilil0lfitIl[I
EREAT DANEINE I5 SUPERIOR SEX
Great Dancing begins with the nonverbal attraction of erect nipples, erect phalluses and
grunting noises, all of which usually follow dinner and a movie. Once fully unshod and
unclothed, only in a state of TOTAL NUDITY, can the Great Dance commense. Only one
unbending law remains concerning the performance of the Great Dance: WHATEVER YOU
DO, ALWAYS KEEP ONE PAW ON THE FLOOR AT ALL TIMES. This rule, or the
"paw law" to our religious scholars, has never been broken and has been dutifully followed by
all followers of the Bunny. The paw (or hand), must remain grounded, either to a mattress, a
sofa or the floor itself. If the paw is removed, the Great Dance is considered null and void and
the sexual encounter will end in a sloppy breakup or a stained bedcover. Obey this principle rule
and all of the sex you recieve shall be
jolly
and
jovial
and happy, enabling a lengthy time for
orgasms and the eternal bliss which follows.
The Great Dance brings
joy
to alll
With our skills in carnal delights, you can please your matel
liltiltiltr
ilfi[ililill
The usual regimen of love oils, lubricants, leather objects or torture devices can be employed
in the Great Dance, however it is important you keep one paw on the floor at all times, or else
the Dance won't be Great. Once your trophy mate and you are through Dancing, it is customary
for the male to offer his counterpart carcinogenic tobacco products. If no carcinogenic tobacco
products are in the immediate vicinity, carrot sticks will sufiice. After the Great Dance is
completed, participants should dress and return home to their respected spouses/girlfriends or
boyfriends. If they are already with their respected spouses/girlfriends or boyfriends, they should
sit in bed and watch Letterman.
t[[
OI
SAERED MATINE RITUAL OF THE BUNNY
WARNING: DO NOT ATTEMPT TO TRY TIIE FOLLOWING SEXUAL ACTS
wrrHour wRrrrEN coNgENT FROM YouR DOCTO& OR PERFORMTNG
THEM WITII YOUR DOCTOR. PEOPLE WITH WEAK HEARTS, BLADDERS AND
CHECKBOOKS SHOULD REFRAIN FROM THE FOLLOWING SEX ACTS.
Now we don't want that warning above to scare you, but we're only looking out for
OITRSELVES. Why, we'dwelcome your participation in the Great Dance, but we have to be
fair. It is quite dangerous for certain folks to try these sexual acts without the proper stamina.
The worst thing that could happen is you could DIE from the mating ritual we prescribe, and
your mate would blame US. Well, we at the Church of the Bunny don't need that kind of
publicity. We've got enough troubles on our own. If you deem yourself stout and physically fit
enough, then try the Great Dance. Just don't point to us if you twist your tibia!
To begin the Great Dance, the attractor woos the attractee with wine and song. Then, when
the actracteeis nice and drunk, the attractor moves in, ready to pounce. First, he croons the
Love Mantra for the Great Dance, which must be said over the place of sex, usually by both
male and female, attractor or attractee.
Wacknwaclmwoo woo
Oooooh baby, oooh, baby
Yeah yeah yeah oh, yeah!
Wacka wqcka woo woo
Umph umph umph umph
Oh yes Oh yes Oh yes
A A AA aaaaaaa a aa a a a a h h h !
Mmmmmm. . . . . . .
Once the Love Mantra is said, both participants are ready to begin doing the Great Dance.
They both undress, or tear offeach other's clothes like wild beasts, and partake of the following
positions, remembering to keep one paw grounded and having fun as they switch from position
to position.
Fig. 1: Traditionally known as
"missionary", with a little spice. She wraps her left leg around
him and her right leg around his right leg. This is called
"Intertwining Linguini".
Fig. 2: She kneels on all fours and he straddles her
-
backwards. This is known as the
"Dudley
Do-Right Side Saddle". Bonus points if he whacks her buttocks.
Fig. 3: Known as the
"Bunny Hop", both take turns bouncing around the room, working up
their sexual energy by trying hard not to burst into hysterical laughter.
Fig. 4: She lies on her stomace and he on his back. She grabs his right leg and her left leg as he
flails around, tantalized. This is known as "Breaking the Crab".
Fig. 5: Both kneel back-to-back; he, on his knees and she, quatting. Their hands interlock. This
is known as "Cheap Futon from the Trendy Swedish Furniture Store".
Fig. 6: Both crouch close to the floor likfrabbits and take turns sniffing each other all over.
Known as the "Smell Me till I'm Stimulated" position.
POSITIONS
OF WILD ABANINN:
THE 6REAT NANEE
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Thought you'd raise those little tykes yourself, did you? Thought time would fly by rapidly after
Junior learned to crawl out of diapers and onto that podium for college graduation. Like many
new parents, you experienced an unsettling delusion. Don't worry. Just check your mind at the
door and let the Bunny handle nurturing your youngsters. When it comes to LOW,
(INDERSTANDING,
and a system of VALUES, the Bunny provides everything parents could
want in raising a child. The Bunny shall teach them what youngsters need to know about the
Church of the Bunny, but to do so, parents must mate and produce young scholars for the Bunny
to teach.
That's right! Be it known the Bunny wants your children. He wants to snuggle them and tenderly
kiss them and call them his own. The Bunny wants to nurture them and teach them Bunny
Values, for Bunny Values are Good. And goodness is of the Bunny. To provide children for the
Bunny, male and female units must propagate the species as prescribed in the Great Dance.
Once propagation occurs, the Bunny can rejoice in the love of children. The prenatal care must
be done to ensure a happy child, for the Bunny digs happiness. The infant must be dressed in the
traditioal plastic Bunny ears for initiation into Bunnyhood. After such ceremony is performed
and the gleeful parents have developed slides to show to the family, the little ones receive moral
guidance from the Bunny on the following page, which is an outline for parents who wish to
HELP their children understand the Teachings of the Bunny.
JOIN OUR
OFFIEIAL
BREET,'INE
PNOERAM!
A BUNNY IS WHAT
VOUR EHILDNEN
BEE FOR!
''FIECE
OF CANDY,
tITTtE GTRI9"
ilrilfi1[!
t[l tilr
Bunnies and Kids must get along together, no matter what. If you're little pipsqueak
is already contemplating
joining
the Hell's Angels, or if he or she has a tattoo of
Satan or Cher on their bodies, these methods won't work. These Bunny Values are
for GOOD LITTLE BOYS AND GIRLS who haven't ingested a few pounds of
marijuana and barfed on the roadies at a Grateful Dead concert by the time they are
ten. These Bunny Values are to be experienced by kids whose parents haven't
caught them stumbling around the house in drag, reeking of Jack Daniels, while a
prostitute shoves hypodermic needles in her thighs in the bedroom, calling out your
child's name. If your kid is bad, there's always prison The Bunny doesn't like bad
kids. He eats them for breakfast.
WHAT ARE BUNNI ES DOI NG WI TH MY CHI LDREN?
Good question! The Bunny NEEDS your kids,
just
like your kids
NEED the Bunny! It's a bit clinical and syrnbiotic, but children
are happy when they live by the teaching of the Church of the
Bunny. Children enjoy taking Naps, eating Snacks and living a
total Bunny lifestyle. Ask them, and they'll tell you! They'll say,
in those cute high-pitched voices that reek of sweet
sentimentality and helplessness; "Mommy and Daddy, I want to
live like the Bunnyl" Isn't that cute? And we know you'll let
them, because you're GOOD parents, aren't you? You hate it
when your kids cry. Don't make them cry! Give in to them!
Let them experience thefreedom you long for in your adult life,
the freedom to eat Snacks, take Naps, lounge around and play
with silly-looking toys without the neighbors spyrng on you.
They say that children inherit their parent's shortcomings.
DON'T LET THAT I{APPEN! MAKE YOUR CHILDREN
PART OF THE BI.INI{Y EXPERIENCE!
IHT IUlIION 1[GOilORPH 1TIGUE
"Comrpting Young Minds Since 1991."
You've heard of Hitler Youth, the Young Republicans, the Boy Scout movement, the Young Feminists...Now
civilization must contend with the Junior Lagomorph League! Founded by the novice council for Development of
a Rabbit-based Church in 1991, the Junior Lagomorph Leage can give your son or daughter hope for the future.
The JLL provides council, holds camping trips, and sells BUNNY COOKIES door-to-door wery spring! Give
your child the experience of a lifetime, or a few years until they get bored with it and start hanging around in
malls, to
join
the Junior Lagomorph League. As a parent sponsor, you hold "Burrow Meetings" in your home,
and invite a Troop of Junior Lagomorphs over to make crafts, perform skits, or drink beer when no other adults
are present. You see, unlike all ofthe other boring church groups, the JLL is dedicated to showing kids what
reality is all about. By competing, the Troops earn merit badges and awards, such as: Fake ID Making, Rolling
Your Own Cigaretts, Taunting Public Servants, Defacing Urinals, Flirting, Fun with Acne, and Police Mooning.
Won't your son or daughter thank you and the Bunny, while they learn valuable lessons, such as Never take life
seriously. The Junior Lagomorph Leage. Your kid's
just
a merit badge away from paradise.
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into the square
Magic, Papacy-Approved Healer Square
Tired and run down? Energy level depleated? The evil government secret conspiracy is doing
it to you, sucking your energy dry. The Bunny can revitalize your unleashed karmic
rejuvenating powers, peeling back years, making you stronger, leaner and more attractive to
the opposite sex! Simply stare at the Magic, Papacy-approved Healer Square for five minutes
without flinching. Clear your mind. Free your soul from the burdens of modern society. Let
your inhibitions melt away. Float serenely on a cloud of pure bliss. Soon, the Bunny will enter
your brain through your eye sockets and give you the vitality you need through a secret
process only known to the Council of Elders and the Adepts of Lepus. You'll feel younger
and healthier and have a positive outlook on life instead of being the miserable shit who sits
home alone on Friday nights and cries into a mug of lukewarrn beer. The Bunny, by
stimulating the correct lobe of the brain, can trigger happiness, glad tidings and a sense of
total harmony with the universe. After the Bunny works his magic on you, you'll be his loyal
follower, begging for more! Wow! But not to worry, the Bunny is always generous. Five
minutes a day with the Magic, Papacy-approved Healer Square is all you'll ever need for a
lifetime of cosmic peace and mental well-being.
WARNING: PROLONGED USE OF THE HEALER SQUARE WITHOUT PROPER CONSULTATION WITH
A RABBIT SPECIALIST ORAN OCCULTIST CAN LEAD TO BLURRED VISION, SPASTIC GROIN
MOVEMENTS. NAUSEA. VOMITING AND SOMETIMES DEATH. HAVE A NICE DAY
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Thunny
$rwbs Sebcnge!
You think you've got it covered,
right? With your SLICK attitude and
your two-car garage, your furnished
home with a mortgage and your
lovely Stepford wife and three
adorable children. All set to nestle
into your recliner and kick back after
your HIGH PROFILE
job
for an easy
lifestyle? Brother, you are so wrong!
iIT SITS YOU YV}IINI YOU'RE SUS?INIG
The Bunny has the SUPERNATURAL power to actually
enter the Dreams of a slumbering person and read their
thoughts. A nocturnal interloper, he checks to see if the
sleeper's concience is Bothering them. If it is, beware! The
Bunny doesn't look kindly on traitors!
WAE TO HE WHA HURTS THE BUNNY
For it is written that the Bunny is the source of
all power, and is capable of procuring a wrath
of violence TEN TIMES greater than anything
previously executed in human history. His
powers cripple the healthy, blind the masses
and comrpt the saintly. The Bunny, when
crossed, can actually alter the mountains and
air, causing permanent topographical damage
to continentsl Pray silently for your faults if
you cross the Bunny, for his ways are sensitive,
and his lashing out can spell the
gtd_af
humanity if you're not careful!
gggggg gggggggssggg9gs gss9ggggg9 ggg
The Bunny sees through your
pathetic veil of trickery. He knows
you're making a HOLLOW
MOCKERY of his Sacred
Teachings, and that is a Bad Thing
For those who decide to strike out
on their own and ignore the
valuable lessons taught, only pain
and misery shall pursue you.
The Bunny knows you're NtL, andyou might go to
Ff ELL!
EOLLY. MOI{I AND DAD WERE RIEHT!
Listen, it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure
out the Universe is a Hell Kitchen; a dangerous
place where even the most righteous and
just
are
punished with inexplicable horrors even paranoid
schizophrenics wouldn't dream of1 Yes, that's
right; if You're Bad or Good, you're still going to
go to HELL! It's proven! I know it sounds a tad
cynical and nihilistic, but the facts speak for
themselves: Hell is where the heart is. Morality
acts like a wet blanket when Hell is concerned,
and even the Good and True are snt hurtling
towards the Flaming Pit of Jell-O...if they're not
careful.
I know it sounds like Fundie garbage, but the
existence of Hell is a true, proven fact,
just
like
the existence of Teaneck, New Jersey is a true,
proven fact! Sometimes both places are
indistinguishable!
or
vou
just
might suffer
p
ATi?NATION
oR woRSE !
We know you wouldn't like Hell. It SUCKS!
All those po or, tourtured s oulsrottrng rn
decayng torment, plagued by the very things
that drove them insane with death and foul
stenches and beings that pray ravenously on
every sadistic whim! You'd rather live in
Arkansas than Hell, wouldn't you? From the
time we were little, manipulated children
being fed lies by our protective parents, who
thought their fibs actually kept us safe and
secure, we've believed that being Good was
better than being Bad.
Tmp &UNWT ffimow8 ilF vCIuoRp
DFEsilNFp FoR mFe&s
See, we tried to warn you, but you wouldn't listen. You were so convinced the
Fundies were the only ones who condemned themselves to eternities of torfure
with salad tongs being inserted anally; Boy, were you wrongl The Bunny knows
who's been Bad and Good; and only an offering of carrots or cash can get you a
favorable seat in the Happy Hunting Grounds of Eternity, otherwise, it's salad tong
time in the Flaming Pit of Jell-O with the dark minions of ghoulish cruelty!
Sontt 8et SUe Setit
Gat
$ossigefferl
Or you might be looking at an eternity
filled with sheer damnation, humiliation,
or possibly worsel Imagine the horror the
Bunny will be put through rf creepy,
Jlesh-eating
demons ravage the last
fortress of goodness
on planet Earth! No,
it isn't pleasant
to contemplate, but it's
an alternative. In today's world, Evil
lurks around the corner, brandishing
sharp fangs and a laminated business
card,
just
waiting for the right sucker to
bound along, carefree, lured into the
maw of utter disgrace. We know
yOU
won't fall for that ploy because you're of
the Bunny, and the Bunny trusts you.
WHAT EAN I TN TO SAVE
MY'ELF FROM THE
MANDiELES OF EVIL?
Not much, we're afraid! Sorry, but
tremendous folly awaits, poised and
ready to grasp you with oozing
tentacles. Whether it be from a shiftless
salesman or from your very neighbors,
nobody is safe from evil. But there is one
way to ward off evil and lessen its
impact on your daily lifel The Church of
the Bunny has built-in, laboratory-tested
."Anti-Evil"
repellants, guaranteed
to
ward offsocial evils and send them
packing.
With these "Anti-Evil"
repellants, concentrated evil takes a lone
vacation, frightened by the mirth and
wisdom of the Bunnv.
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COMPILED BY THE CHURCH OF THE BUNNY CHOIR AND RAGTIME BAITD
Subj : Cl assi c Bunny Tune Sect i on: Li mbo
Fr om: Er i c G. Avedi ssi an, 74454, L4L2 #680156
To: Chr i s Pr est a, 1L1LLL, 257 Tuesday, June 2I , L994
1: 39: 36 PM
Comf ort abl y Bunt I l ove i t ! Of course, Bun Fl oyd i s one of my
f avori t e groups.
We don' t need r ei ncar nat i on
No pri or l i f et i mes t o cont rol
Just t he Bunny munchi ng greenery
Si t t i ng i n hi s r abbi t hol e
Al l i n aLL i t ' s
j ust
anot her Bun i n t he wal - l
A11 i n al l i t ' s
j ust
anot her Bun i n t he wal 1. . .
Fat her Er i c, Bor n t o Bun
Keep t hose t unes comi n' !
tf
Subj : Cl assi c Bunny Tune Sect i on: Lj - mbo
Fr om: Chr i s Pr est a, L! 1111
, 257
#680098
To: Er i c G. Avedi ssi an, 74454, 14L2 Wednesday, June 29, L994
12: 31: 19 AM
I t hought i t was Bun Denver?
But I respond t o t he i mpl i ed Bunny Hymn Chal l eng. e:
Hel l o. . . he] l o. . hel l o?
I s t here anybody BUN here?
Just Hop i f you can hear me. . .
I s t here anybun home?
C' mon, hop out . . .
I hear you' r e r eal l y bun. .
Wel l I can make your day
Doi ng Gr eat Dances al l t he way. . .
Re1ax. . r eI ax. . . r e1ax. .
I need some bunny spi r i t now. .
Just t he Basi c Dance. .
Can you show me holy hop?
-
Ther e i s t he Bun, he i s appear i ng. . .
A di st ant bunny on t he hor i zon. .
He i s now comi ng t hr ough i n waves. . .
Hi s Tai l hops, and I can hear what he say. .
When I was a chi l d, I had a Bunny. .
My Bunny hopped under t he moon. .
Now I ' ve got t hat Bunny once a$ai n, I can expl ai n,
Oh don' t you f eeL under st and, t hat i s
j ust
how I am. . .
I i i i i i i i i have become comf or t abl y Bun, . . .
(as sung by t hat wonderf ul group, Bun Fl oyd)
Bundi nal Chri sP, ROFLBVB
Subj : Cl assi c Bunny Tune Sect i on: Li mbo
Fr om: Vi ce Pope TJ, COB, 735321 1160 #680198
To: Er i c G. Avedi ssi an, 74454, 14L2 Wednesday, June 29, 1994
3: 13: 10 AM
Fat her Er i c,
A 1ong, l ong t i me ago
I remember, even t hough,
The News was sad, made me mad,
The Day, t he Bunny Di ed.
Now do you remember Bugs Bunny?
and How he woul d dance and si ng?
Make t he Fudd l ook t he f ool . . .
He woul d st i ck hi s f i nger i n Fudds gun
I t woul d bl ow up i n hi s f ace!
We1l , Fudd he had enough of t hi s,
And got t oget her wi t h Daf f y
And t hey pl aned t o make Bunny t af f y.
But Bugs was st ronger
And f ast er
He
j umped
i nt o t he ho1e, l i ke i t s mast er ,
al l t he Fudd coul d do
Was st omp and shout and Fume!
Now the day came when Fudd
Out smar t ed
' ol e
Bugs.
Bugs f el l down
,
cl ut chi ng hi s hear t
Fudd had shot t he Poi son dart ,
Daf f y had l ai d t he Trap
And Bugs had had hi s l ast l augh
Or di d he?
For Bugs was no f oo1, he knew t he Rul -es
And Rul e Number l - i s: Make The Rul es
So un-beknownest t o Fudd
( But Knownest To Us
)
He had made a pot i on
To count er act t he Poi son
And had ended up pl ayi ng possum.
Fool i -ng Fudd and Daf f y
And Not Di ei ng, or made i nt o t af f y.
Now we al -l know Bugs has never di ed
He l i ves i nsi de al l of us
Makes us Laugh
Never cry
So remember to Always Obey Rule Number 1
And t o st i ck your f i nger i n Fudds Gun!
Peace
Vi -ce-Pope TJ
Church Of The Bunny
Greek Poet ry
:
i
Subj : Cl assi c Bunny Tune Sect i on: Li mbo
Fr om: Er i c G. Avedi ssi an, 74454, L4L2 #678306
i
t o: al l of t he Bun Monday, June 27, Lgg4 2z54zg5
AM
, Bunshi ne i n t he morni ng
Makes me hoppy
; Bunshi ne on my carrot s
I
Makes me cry
Bunshi ne on my mi st r ess
Makes me hornlr
And bunshi ne i n t he eveni ng
Makes me bunny
-Bunny
and Cher
Fat her Er i c, Bor n t o Bun
Pass t he espr esso and Sanka
Subj : Paws of JuI y Hymnt Sect i on: Li mbo
Fr om: Er i c G. Avedi ssi an, 74454t 14L2 #683183
To: Bunsi gnor Dougl as, S. O. B, 7405L, L420Fr i day, Jul y 01, L994
1, Q z 24: 0 l - AM
Next ver se:
I have seen hi m i n t he f orest hoppi ng t o and hoppi ng f ro,
I have heard hi m rust , l i ng under 11Xe-a super-dynbmo
Pl ease dear chi l dren t ake t hy hand
For t he Bunny, he shal 1 know
Wher e t o get t he best snacks!
Over hi l l and over dal e t he Bunny never sounds ret reat
wi t h a f l uf f y cot t on t ai l t ucked under hi s hoppi ng f eet
And hi s t wi t chi ng nose can root out
Yummy carrots for us to eat
Our Bun i s hoppi ng on!
Gl or y, gl or y Pr ai se t he Bunny
Joi n t he Church and Send Us Money
Post some st uf f t hat ' s r eal 1y f unny
Eat snacks f rom t i me t o t i mel
Happy JuIy 4th Everybunny!
Fr om Fat her Er i c, Bor n t o Bun
Scanni ng t he Ski es f or Fi reworks
Subj : Al - 1 r oads l - ead t o Bun Sect i on: Li mbo
Fr om: Bunsi gnor Dougl as' S. O. B' 74051, 1- 420#67891- 3
To: Er i c G. Avedi ssi an, 74454, L412 Tuesday, June 28, L994
L2: 09: 01 AM
Fat her Er i c,
The Book of t he Bunny i s our most hol y scr i pt ur e, appr oached i n
sanct i t y, wi sdom, and val ue onl y by Gr eat SF and t he col l ect ed wor ks
of Dougl as Adams.
I t was wri t t en by t he Great Prophet s of Bun (or Prophet s wi t h Great
Buns t f orgel whi ch ri ght now) t hroughout hi st ory, under t he
di r ect i nspi r at i on of THE BUNNY.
I t i s a r at her l engt hy compi l at i on ( 48 CD- ROM di scs and gr owi ng, as
f urt her cont emporary works are uneart hed as wj -t h t he Bun Ny
Scr ol l - s, f ound at Bun' r an i n L94B or so) .
Because we ar e t he wor l d' s f i r st cyber chur ch, t hese col l ect ed wor ks
ar e bei ng compi l ed by t he Monks, and t hei r br et hr en, t he Bunks . . .
and wi l l be r el eased i n i t ' s ent i r et y when THE BUNNY deems i t t i me.
As Secr et ar y of Bun. i t i s my sol emn, sacr ed and somet i r nes hi l ar i ous
dut y t o nmai l t he Monks when I need a speci f i c quot e or r ef er ence
f onl y know what t o ask due t o i nt ensi ve st udy at Buni ver si t yt
obt ai - ni ng a Degr ee i n Bunol ogy.
Rest assur ed, when t he compi l at i on i s avai l abl e, i t wi l l be pr ovi - ded
t o cl er gy at cl - ose t o 38 of f l i st , dt l east ! ! !
Hop t hi s he1ps,
Bunsi gnor Dougl as, S. O. B.
Chur ch of t he Bunny
" Out si de of a Bunny, a book i s man' s best f r i end. I nsi de of a bunny'
i t ' s t oo dar k t o r ead" .
Subj : Chur ch of t he Bunny, Ref Sect i on: Li mbo
Fr om: Vi ee Pope TJ, COB, 73532
r
1160 #6862L8
To: Car ol yn Bl asdel <SL4>, 7L250t 2644 Tuesday, Jul y 05, L994
3: 38: 06 AM
Yi kes! Puddi ng on my f acet I f or got t , o Gi ve The Hol y Cr edi t Wher e
Cr edi t I s Due t he ot her day when I post ed t hi s t o you! I was so
t i r ed, I f or got ! So t o make up f or t hat t o t he Good Bunsi gnor Doug, I
now excerpt ( wi t h hi s OK
)
hi s post t hat made up t he Lesson About
The Churchl I now hang my keyboard i n shame
Even VJ-ce-Popes Make Mi st akes !
Vi ce- Pope TJ, Chur ch Of The Bunny, Cr edi t Dept .
Subj : Chur ch of t he Bunny, Ref
To: ALL
Fr om: Doug Sandl i nt 7405L, L42A
Sect i on: Vi l l age Gr een
Sunday, May 08, L994 74225209
#3r _r _363
I t has been asked of me t o expl ai n t he di f f er ence bet ween t he var i ous
t ypes of Ref ormat i on unt o t he Bunny, f rom t he Ort hodox and
Conser vat i ve f act i ons.
The Or t hodox Chur ch i s f ound most l y i n For est s, and i t s member s ar e
di st i ngui shed by t he f act t hat t hey al ways wear t he Bunny Ear s, whi ch
di st i ngui shes t hem f r om t hose whose ar e not Of The Bunny. Those not
of t he Or t hodoxy f eel s t hat t hi s l evel of devot i on bor der s on t he
f anat i cal , and al so makes i t har d t o ear n a l i vi ng, i f one at t empt s
t o do so out si de of a Theme Par k, or Chi l dr en' s Bi r t hday Par t i es.
The Conservat i ve Church members must have a symbol of The Bunny
somewher e on t hei r bodi es at aLl t i mes, usual l y i n t he f or m of 4 f i e1r z
I mage of
*Bugs*
upon t hei r boxer s,
j ockeys, or pant i es. Many of us
st i l l do t hi s on Hi gh Hol y Days, such as Gr oundhog Day:
( For as i t i s wr i t t en, t he Gr oundhog i s mer el y a Fal l en Bunny, and
exposes hi s head each Wi nt er , i n Hope t hat The Bunny wi l l have Mer cy,
and Rest ore Hi s Ears. The Bunny has Commanded, t hough' t hat t he
Gr oundhog ser ve as a 1owl y ser vant , even a Met eor oJ- ogi st , f or as l ong
as i t shal l pl ease The Bunny) .
The Ref or med Chur ch, i s al l i t s gl or i - ous f or ms ( Ref or med, Revi sed,
Rest r uct ur ed and Si mon5- zed, Lat t er Day Sai nt s, Sevent h Day,
Bi coast al , Hal l uci nogeni c, Et c.
)
i s mer el - y devot ed t o t he Tr ue
Concept t hat one can do what soever one wi shes, and l ong as one
Remember s, and gi ves Love and Rever ence ( and Snacks) unt o The Bunny.
Let us cl ose t hi s sessi on of Doct r i nal - Cl ar i f i cat i on, by
j oi ni ng
i n
Hymn #227- Az
" I
j ust
need somebunny t o l ove
I
j ust
want somebunny t o l ove
we
j ust
l ove somebunny t o l ove
A11 we need i s Buns
A11 we need i s Buns
A11 we need i s Buns
Buns i s al - l we need"
I n t he Wor ds of t he Bunny: Hop To I t ! !
Rev. Doug
Subj : Conver t me
Fr om: Bunsi gnor Dougl as, S. O. B,
To: Anne J, 74467
t 2757
7 z0Oz27 PM
Sect i on: Li nbo
74A5L, 1. 420#698189
Sat ur day, Jul y 76, L994
Anne,
Wel come
" Fun i s
Book
G
t o
of
of
t he Joy of t he Bunny! For as i t wr i t t en:
t he Bun, and Money i s of t he Bunny"
t he Bunny, 1st Hef ner , Chapt er 3, Par agr aph 69, Subsect i on
Accept t he Bunny i nt o your Li f e, and Snacks can be your s! Hop t he
Hol y Hop of Joy, and your soul shal l known cont ent ment , and possi bl y
i ndi gest i on ( Tr y New Bunny Sel t zer ! Hop Hop Fi zz El zz
$9. 99
per
bot t l e, pl us shi ppi ng) .
The Way of t he Bunny i s t he way of Tr ut h, Joy and Net Mar gi n ( wel l ,
we' r e st i l l wor ki ng on t hat l ast , but t he f i r st t wo ar e pr et t y cool
i n t he meant i me i f you
*do*
get any moneyr pl ease l et us know, so
we can ask you f or donat i ons) .
To f ur t her i nspi r e your her e i s t he Al l - Bunny Hopper nacl e Choi r
Si ngi ng t he chor us f r om " The Bunny Hymn of t he Republ i c" :
Gl or y, gl or y, Pr ai se t he Bunny!
Joi n t he Chur ch and Gi ve us Money!
Post Some St uf f t hat ' s Real l y Funny!
And Snacks f r om Ti me t o Ti me!
I f you Accept t he Bunny, and want t o Demonst rat e Your Fai t h vi a
Cyber - Bapt i sm,
j ust
l et us know!
Bunsi gnor Dougl as, S. O. B. ( Secr et ar y of Bun.
)
Chur ch of t he Bunny
Fai t h, Hops, and Char i t y, by These We ar e Saved!
Subj : Conver t me Sect i on: Li mbo
Fr om: Vi ce
-
Pope TJ, COB, 73532, 1160 #69847A
To: Anne J, 74467
t 2757
Sunday, Jul y L7, 1994 1: l - B: 08
AM
Anne J,
As i t was t ol d t o Bunsi gnor Doug, one f i ne day as he hopped
out of t he For r est . . . .
Your spi r i t ual quest i s Joyous unt o t he Bunny! Accept i ng t he Bunny i s
( most l y) ef f or t l ess, f or i t i s by t he Gr ace of t he Bunny we ar e Saved
( and t her eby avoi d Et er ni t y i n t he Fl ami ng Pi t of Je11o) .
Ther e ar e but a f ew si mpl e st eps:
1. Get a Bunny, i f possi bl e. Feed i t wel l , i ncl udi ng snacks f r om t i me
t o t i me.
2. Fi l l your wor l d wi t h I mages of t he Bunny ( Bugs, Roger , Ener gi zer ,
Pet er Cot t ont ai l you name i t t
)
3. Per f or m t he Hol y Hop dai l y, as out l - i ned i n t he Book of t he Bunny:
Pul 1 your l ef t paw i n
st i ck your ri ght . paw out
t uck your hi nd l egs i n
shake your t ai l al l about
t ake your i ndex f i ngers
wi ggl e t hem l i ke ear s
hop around wi t h
j oy
and-a emphasi ze your rear
t he Hol y Hop i s how we mani f est Joy ( al ong wi t h t he Gr eat Dance,
but we can di scuss t hat l at er i f you DO deci de t o t r y t he Gr eat
Dance t hough, r emember : ALWAYS keep one paw on t he f l oor !
) .
I al so r econmend eat i ng l ot s of veget abl es, and don' t t ake l i f e t oo
ser i ousl y. Naps ar e al so Of The Bunny.
Fi nal l y, br i ng ot her s unt o t he Joy of t he Bunny, and i f you f i gur e
any ways of maki ng some money of f al l t hi s, pl ease i nf or m t he El der s
i mmedi at el y.
May t he Joy of t he Bunny be Your s! ! I n t he Wor ds of t he Bunny: " Hop
t o I t ! "
Amen.
V5-ce-Pope TJ
Church Of The Bunny
Maki ng Peace For The Wor l d. . . . One Hop At A Ti me
Subj : Bunny Apocal ypse Sect i on: Li nbo
Fr om: Bunsi gnor Dougl as, S. O. B, 7405L
t 1420#698688
To: Er i c G. Avedi ssi an, 74454r L4L2 Sunday, JuI y 17, L994
10: 50: 14 AM
Last ni ght I was si t t i ng ar ound wi t h Hi gh Pr i est ess Deb, gai ni ng
i nspi r at i on f r om t he Hol y Pl ayboy Channel ( Pr ai se Be Cabl e!
) .
I
wasn' t enj oyi ng i t near l y as much as bi ol ogy, soc5- ol ogy and my
l eader shi p of CYMBAL woul d war r ant , because, a1as, I am st i l l out of
Peanut s of Tr anscendence! <si gh>
Ther e came a sof t knoch at t he pat i o door . f opened t he cur t ai ns, and
f el l t o my knees, f or t her e, i n a swi r l i ng car r ot col or ed cl oud, was
a Hol y Long- Ear ed Appar i t i on. " My Bunny! Oh, My Bunny! " I cr i ed, and
f el l t o my knees.
" Bunsi gnor r " i nt oned t he I mage, " T come unt o t he f or one expr ess
pur pose
- -
t o pr ai se t he f or get t i ng Fel i ne Emi ssar i es, and t o exhor t
t hee t o get a Bunny Emi ssar y. For some, Fel i ne Emi ssar i es ar e enough,
but f or t he Wor k of Lhe Buni can West , t hou needest a Bunny. By t he
wdy, havest t hou any peanut s?"
I shook my head i n sadness, f or I had hoped t o get some peanut s f r om
t he I mage, al t hough r shoul d know by now, t hat ai n' t gonna happen.
" Ah, never mi ndr " sai d t he I mage, " Ot her s of my di sci pl es wi I I have
peanut s
,
f or ot her s do not wast e t hem on Wat chi ng St uf f Mel t " .
" Oh, My Bunny! " I cr i ed, " Thou woundest me! Besi des, t hat was a whi l e
ago! You never got mad when Fang woul d Wat ch St uf f MeI t " .
" Si l ence, Mor t al ! " bel l owed t he I mage ( i t was t hen t hat I knew t hat I
had Gone Too Far and had bet t er Shut t he Hel -l Up
--
The Bunny i s a
God of Naps, Not Anger ) , " Emi ssar y Fang was On- CaI l l Subj ect t o
hor r i f i c Tur t l e Vi si ons t hat had t o be pr ophesi ed! Whi ch r emi nds me
check out Fat her Er i c' s l at est post i t i s bot h poi gnant and
cool ! " .
Wi t h t hat , t he I mage vani shed, and I sat humbl ed and peanut l ess on
t he pat i o. Then, I r emember ed t he f i nal exhor t at i on, and r ushed t o my
syst em, and f ound except i onal
j oi n
and l aught er t her ei n!
Subj : Bunny' s Onl i ne Or i gi n Sect i on: Li nbo
Fr om: Pope Ri ch, Chur ch of Bun, 73642t 1I 07#721652
To: A11 Bunni es l hur sday, August 04, J, 994
7L: 57 224 PNI
Bunni es,
I ' ve been Br owsi ng t hr oughmy Aut o- Fi l e, and I f ound t he f i r st on- 1i ne
r ef er ences t o t he Bunny, i n t he " DEATH OF KURT COBAI N" t hr ead, over
i n R K T.
I t f i na of f r eaked me out t o see t he f i r st one.
I t was on Apr i l 15, L994, dt l zL2: 27, and i t went l i ke t hi s:
Jef f ,
I am part of a smal l but very dedi cat ed rel i gi ous group t hat t akes
gr eat of f ense t o ast er i sks. You have of f ended my peopl e and my
Dei t y! ! You wj - 11 per i sh i n a pi t of f l ami ng Jel l - O! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
Ri ch
That ' s r i ght , Bunni es. The f i r st ever onl i - ne r ef er ence t o t he CoB was
di r ect ed at Jef f Mayer , AKA Rabbi " t " Tur t l et aub! ! ! Spooky, eh?
The second one was addr essed, f or no par t i cul ar r eason, t o TJ.
I t was Apr i l 18, 1994, dt 12234232, and i t sai d t hi s:
ATTENTTON, NON-BELEI VERS ! ! ! ! ! !
Renounce your f ai t hl Ent er t he
j oy
of t he Bunny! Li ve i n peace and
har mony ( 3- par t r oo l ess) ! Eat pl at ef ul s of BBQ r i bs, and don' t gai n
wei ght ! Di st ur b your nei ghbor s! Conf use your pet s! Thr ow puddi ng at
your Gr andf at her !
AI 1 t hi s can be your s, f or a
$999. 47
donat i on t o :
Ri ch' s Exal t ed Chur ch of t he Bunny
73642, 7707
Act now, ovul at or s ar e st andi ng by. ( st andi ng by bi g vat s of cot t age
cheese, t hat i s)
So t her e you have i t . I t sor t of
j ust
expl oded f r om t her e.
Pope Ri ch, LOP
Chur ch of t he Bunny
Hi st or i caf Or i qi ns
' n'
St uf f
Subj : The Bunny Commandment s Sect i on: Li mbo
Fr om: Exe. Vi ce- Pope TJTCOB, 75052
t l 4i - i -
* 780048
To: Er i c G. Avedi ssi an, 74454, \ 472 Sat ur day, Sept ember 24, L994
t 2: 57 275 PM
Fat her Er i c,
Har e you go!
Execut i ve Vi ce- Pope TJ
,
Et Al l -
The Bun Commandment s (Di rect f rom t he HoI y Bubbl e)
1. Thou shal t not covet t hy nei ghbor ' s wi l debeest .
2. Thou shal t not ki l l ( unl ess you have a dar n good st or y)
3. Thou shal t not st eal ( except i n t he case of money, whi ch
be sent t o
t he Chur ch of t he Bunny as soon as possi bl e
,
t o r edeem your
and get you
i n good wi t h t he Pope.
)
4. Thou shal t not wor k on Sundays and i t ' s al l t he bet t er i f
can avoi d
wor ki ng any ot her t i mes
,
ei t her .
5. Thou shal t f ast on hol y days ( except snacks
,
snacks ar e
okay
)
6. Thou shal t cel ebr at e no hol y days ( except ones wher e t hou
must
soul
you
al ways
dost
rece] -ve
candy or pr esent s)
7. Thou shal t avi dl y wat ch al l commer ci al s i nvol vi ng sma1l pi nk
r abbi t s
avi dl y beat i ng over si zed per cussj - on i nst r ument s.
B. Thou shal t obey Commandment 7 except when t hou art bei ng st ared
at by
vi si t or s not Of The Bunny
9. Thou shal t not eat l i me Jel l o wi t hout per f or mi ng a sacr ed Of The
Bunny
pur i f i cat i on r i t ual i nvol vi ng nacho- f l avor ed i ncense, hoppi ng
around, and
chant i ng t he Brady Bunch song backwards monot onousl y i n an
ar t i f i ci al l y deep
voi ce.
10. Thou shal t not cel ebr at e mul t i pl e i nqui t i es wi t h t hy nei - ghbor ' s
Ford
Br onco ( a bi t ki nky
,
but hey, who car es? Thi s one was hel ped al ong
by Rev.
Cynt hi a' s unhol y l - i t t l e br ot her
,
al so t he i nspi r at i on f or
Commandment 2. \
The Si ngi ng Pr i est ess ( Chr i st y)
Subj : BUNNY BI BLE! DOWNLOAD!
Fr om: Vi ce Pope Doug, B. O. O.
To: A11
1, 2 : 19 : 26 PM
I I Sect i on: Li mbo
,
73232, 2753#859160
Thur sday, December 01, L994
THE CHURCH OF THE BUNNY HAS A BIBLE! ! ! ! !
Wel - l , okay, 4 Chapt er s or sor but we have mor e l aughs ( and pr obabl y
some poi gnant et er nal ver i t i es i n t her e somewher e, t oo) i n t hose 4
Chapt ers t han some
_ot her_
rel i gi ons have i n t hei r books, TV shows
and " Get Your But t i nt o Heaven i n l - 0 Easy i f l got I nexpensi ve St eps"
Audi o Tape Set s wi t h Workbooksl
FI LE NAME: BUNESI . TXT ( FORUM LI BRARY, Lr MBO SECTI ON)
As f ur t her i nducement , her e i s t he exact , ver bat i m t ext ( except
neat er ) of t he t est i mony of a r eader not i nf l uenced by i mpar t i al i t y
( ME!
)
i . e. i t ' s basi cal - l y an " Epi st l e f r om t he Vi ce- Pope at
Buni can West , t o t he Ar chBunHop of Cant er bunt r y, al so at Buni can West
but Asl eep so Hence t he Not er '
- -
ArchBunHop Andy,
I f you have
_ANY_
need of bei ng cheered up ext remel y, pri nt
t he f i l e on t hi s di sk! ! ! Now. <q>
TRUST ME ON THI S.
VPD
PS Don' t be eat i ng or
r eadi ng. Especi al l y near
dr i nki ng anyt hi ng exact l y at t he t i me you' r e
i mport ant papers.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Who can ar gue wi t h l ogi c l i ke t hat , I ask you???
Oh, bef or e I f or get , Pr ai se Be Fat her Er i c
Avedi ssi an! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
Of al l t hose Or dai ned unt o The Bunny, onl y he had t he pr oper
combi nat i on of humor (t orqued, t weaked, t wi st ed, skewed and f ort i f i ed
wi t h J, 2 Essenl i al Vi t ami ns) , wi l l i ngness t o Shar e t he Tr ut h i n t he
Face of Ragi ng Apat hy and Maybe an Annoyed Fundi e or Two, and, I ast
but
_cer t ai nl y_
not l east , t he Pr oper Ar nount of Ti me on Hi s Hands!
The Tr ue Book of t he Bunny i s bei ng Gi ven Once Agai n, because t he
Or i gi nal Chi l dr en of t he Bunny, back When t he Wor l d Was Young, Lost
I t i n a Move.
We have act ual l y Car r ot Dat ed t he manuscr i pt , and f ound i t t o be 8869
years o1d, meani ng t hat i t pre-dat es any
_ot her_
wri t t en records by
by a bunch, and i s t her ef or e The Or i gi nal Tr ue Wr i t t en
Recor d of Tr ut h and St uf f ( Don' t Be Fool ed by Humanocent r i c
I mi t at or s! ) . <g>
( Not e f r om t he St af f of t he Buni can West Labor at or i es f or Resear ch,
Test i ng and t he Occasi onal Gr oovy Par t y: " Thi s t i me f r ame i s f ur t her
ver i f i ed by t he f act t hat t he or i gi nal t ext i s wr i t t en i n an anci ent
f or m, known as Mi cr osof t Wor d 2. 0, whi ch has been l ost t o t o wor l d
f or eons. At l east . "
) .
I don' t f eel comf or t abl e r el - at i ng exact passages of t hi s sacr ed t ext
i n publ i c vi ew, but suf f i ce i t t o say t hat t he f ol l owi ng passages:
Ch. 2, Vs. 7- B
Ch. 2, Vs. 19
Ch. 4, Vs. 15
Ch. 4, Vs. L2- L3
Ch. 4, Vs. 19
ALL woul d have caused me t o f orcef ul l y expel bot h Rai si ns
_and_
Bran
f rom my nost ri l s at i mpressi ve vel oci t y, except t hat t he pi eces were
t oo bi g.
MANY ot her verses produced react i ons t hat were nearl y as subl i me,
pr of ound and di sr espect f ul of t he sanct i t y of one' s si nus passages!
I f Char l et on Hest , on wasn' t " Some OI d Guy" , I woul d f ul l y expect hi m
t o pl ay t he l ead i n t he ci nemat i c adapt i on of t he amazi ng t al e of
Fl uf f y and t he Crat e, and how t he veget abl es were gat hered t wo by t wo
i n t i me t o avoi d t he Great Mud casL down by The Bunny.
I don' t nor mal l y exhor t l i ke t hi s, but somel i mes i t i s ny dut y unt o
The Bunny:
" YOU MUST BE SAVED! ! ! ! ! l ! ! ! ! ! ! ! t l l ( f r om a r egul ar day of mundane
mi r t hl essness, downl oad now, and l augh your Buns of f ! t I
) .
Vi ce Pope Doug, B. O. O.
Chur ch of t he Bunny
Thi s i s l i ke, a
_Hyst er i cal _
Moment i n t he Hi st or y of Our Rel i gi on! ! !
FROM: Doug Sandl i n- SOTO, 73232, 2753
TO: Er i c Avedi ssi an, 74454, L4I 2
DATEz 12/ L/ 94 72221 PM
Re: OMBTI RARI MN! ROFLMAO! ! ! ! !
NOTE: Af t er ALL t he st uf f I ' m wr i t i ng t o your t her e i s a copy of my
post f ur t her - _Announci ng_ t he BOOK, FYi ) ! !
( Oh My Bunny, t hat i s r eal l y a r ai si n i n my nose! ROFLMAO . . . !
)
Dude! You r ul e! Ext r emel y! I had f r eaki n' t ear s f l owi ng ( " Even
Vi ce-Pope Doug Admi t s t o Bei ng Overwhel rneA wi t f r nmot i on when Spendi ng
Cont empl at i ve Ti me wi t h The Book of t he Bunny" <G>
)
.
Hi ghl i ght s f or me wer e:
" Ni bbl et s want ed t o under st and. He r ea11y, r eal J- y want ed t o
under st and" .
" The Bunny kneed Ni bbl et s i n t he Gr oi n"
" Thou Guys! "
" Don' t
you know t hat st uf f gi ves Me t he r uns?"
" Dr ew l oat hsome sket ches of The Bunny on bat hr oom waI l s"
" Thou Mor on"
" Mut t er ai ml essl y l i ke r ap si nger s"
LOL A11 Over Agai n!
Si nce your wr i - t i ng i ndi cat es t hat you may one day be on t he r ecei vi ng
end
of a
_Net _,
and because The Bunny has cl ear l y appoi nt ed you t o be a
speci al voi ce and
_Pr ophet _,
I woul d l i ke t o appoi nt
, /
or dai n
/
expand
your t i t l e t o be:
* * * * * * * : t * p6f [ er
Er i c, Net Pr ophet of The Bunny* * * * * * * * * * * * *
I t hought i s sounded pr et t y cool - , but want ed t o r un i t by you. I f you
l i ke i t , PUHLEEZ don' t say anyt hi ng, but l et me know, and I ' 11
pr oduce a
cool yet ( hopef ul l y) f unny announcement l at er t oday!
Damn, man! <G> I wi sh ever y day coul d st ar t by al most l aughi ng mysel f
i nt o bi ol ogi cal l y messy sei zur es !
May Your Ear s Be Long and Your Pel l et s Har d! !
Vi ce Pope Doug, B. O. O.
Chur ch of t he Bunny
Thi s
j - s
l i ke, a
_Hyst er i cal _
Moment i n t he Hi st or y of Our Rel i gi on!
<G>
Subj : BUNNY BI BLE! DOWNLOAD! ! !
' 1 ' O:
AI I
03: 12: 30
Sect i - on: Li mbo
Fr i day, December O2, 1994
AM
Fr om: Vi c e Pope Doug, B. O. O. , 73232, 2753