JAW-JITSU:

The Art of Strategic Speaking

by Mike Gillette
2014 All Rights Reserved
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Jaw-Jitsu is about helping you to develop a new verbal skill-set. One
that will promote problem-solving between you and the people you
deal with. This problem-solving approach is designed first and
foremost to enhance safety. Yours, your familys and even your
organization.
Verbal skills are some of the easiest skills to learn, and they can be
the safest and most effective management techniques you can use.
But their ease of use can also cause them to be used carelessly,
making them potentially the most dangerous tools at your disposal.
So, in order to control situations verbally, you first must be able to
control yourself. You have to win this internal battle first before
verbally engaging with others.
In this e-book you will learn the components that make up
communications, the roadblocks which hinder effective
communication and specific verbal skills for managing conflict.
The first issue to address is to clarify our mission. Because this e-
book deals with the topic of verbal skills, many people might assume
this means the techniques of negotiation.
JAW-JITSU - The Art of Strategic Speaking
But this is not a tutorial on negotiation. While much of what we cover
will be useful for you in any future negotiations you may have, these
are not negotiation techniques.
When a negotiation has been successful, both parties have achieved
a mutually desired outcome. When a confrontation ends, the issue
driving the conflict may still be present. So success in this context will
be measured in terms of an outcome that is lawful, safe and, if you
are in at work, consistent with organizational policy.
For the purposes of learning these particular skills I want you to get
comfortable with the idea that you are a conflict manager. You may
not have been called upon to solve a major problem yet, but
eventually everyone finds themselves in a situation where they have
to manage behavior-based problems. And if you can manage these
situations successfully, you will keep yourself and everyone else
around you much safer.
Analyzing the Message
When we prepare to undertake the very serious business of conflict
management, the first part of the process to examine is how well we
listen to others. The process of listening can be broken down into four
parts: Attention, Interpretation, Evaluation and Response.
Attention comes first. In order to be effective listeners we have to be
attentive and aware. This may seem obvious, but sometimes we can
become so intent on thinking several steps ahead of the other person
that we miss vital bits of information that could have actually helped
us to solve the problem faster if only we had been paying attention.
JAW-JITSU - The Art of Strategic Speaking
Interpretation is the phase of listening when we try to determine
what is being said based upon what we are hearing. Our
interpretation is largely based on the words we hear as well as the
non-verbal communication that accompanies those words.
Evaluation occurs when we take into account everything that we
hear and see and try to determine the overall meaning. This is what
we mean when we talk about analyzing the message. The last stage
of listening takes place when we decide upon our own response to
the messages we have received.
Structuring the Response
Our response or any message we send is made up of four elements.
These include posture, content, attitude and feedback.
Posture refers to non-verbal communication and the messages that
we send using our physical body. Now experts dont always agree on
the exact figure, but studies show that anywhere from 52 to 86
percent of what people absorb from what you tell them is based upon
non-verbal communication. Regardless of the statistic that you prefer,
what is important to recognize is that your non-verbal communication
is very influential. Content refers to the specific words you use when
you speak. We will discuss word choice in more detail shortly.
Attitude can best described by the phrase Its not what you say; its
how you say it. Attitude can be a very powerful thing. The way that
we say something can change the entire meaning of a sentence,
changing a compliment to an insult just in the way the words are
spoken.
JAW-JITSU - The Art of Strategic Speaking
Feedback refers to the looping or cyclical nature of communication.
Your last step as a sender feeds into the other persons first step as a
listener and the process repeats itself.
Here are some performance points to remember as we review these
elements. When it comes to the element of posture, the physical
reinforces the psychological. Your words and your body language
always need to be in sync. In fact, if your verbal and non-verbal
messages dont match up, people actually will believe your body and
other non-verbal cues before they believe your spoken words. And
most importantly, when you think about the element of attitude,
remember that as a conflict manager, everything is business you
cant let things get personal.
Allowing yourself to become emotionally involved in the dispute is
when things begin to become personal. And this typically leads to
you becoming upset. Being upset is the first step towards being
controlled by the situation. And if the situation starts to control you,
you will never be able to control it.
To keep things from getting personal, you need to develop what I call
a situational personality. The situational personality allows you to
appear as though youre in control when in reality you may be feeling
just as much stress as the other person. The difference is that in
order to solve the problem, you cant afford to let your stress show. As
a problem-solver, people accept your authority or position so long as
you appear to be in control.
The key element managing conflict is having a clear set of goals. In
fact, one of the fastest ways to de-escalate a situation is to ask the
upset person straight out What is it that you want to accomplish
here? This question forces them to look beyond the emotional noise
of the situation and back to what the original problem was.
JAW-JITSU - The Art of Strategic Speaking
Sometimes we all need this little boost to get back on track. Lets take
a look at how focusing on the outcome came help guide us through
most conflict situations. The following objectives are universal and will
apply to most work settings:
The Goals of Communication are to: Circumvent, prevent, or de-
escalate conflict; Allow you to remain calm and in control of situation;
Allow the other person to save face; and, if relevant, Enforce relevant
policies and regulations.
De-escalation
De-escalation is a term to describe the process of lowering the
emotional temperature of a conflict or disagreement. There are
some basic things you can do to help de-escalate a situation.

Project calmness - move, and speak slowly - quiet and

confident is the rule here

Moderate your tone, volume, and rate of speech dont

sound like a robot, it sounds like youre not listening

Sell what you are saying sound convincing, no one else

will accept your premise if you dont sound like you believe it
either

Keep things short under stress, complicated issues can

bring things to a halt

Calmly describe the consequences of any violent behavior

if you sound agitated when discussing consequences you
sound threatening
JAW-JITSU - The Art of Strategic Speaking

Encourage the person to talk and listen attentively to them

keep the conversation going, try to prevent the other person
from shutting down

Focus your attention on the other person to let them know

you are interested in what is being said not paying
attention appears disrespectful and will quickly sabotage
your efforts to solve the problem

Acknowledge the other persons feelings this lets them

know that you are hearing what they say; this does not mean
that you have to agree with them, particularly if they are
being unreasonable.

Hold the person accountable for his/her actions just

because they are angry does not give them a license to take
it out on others

Use delay tactics that will give the person time to calm down
if needed.

Be reassuring and point out choices.

Break big problems into smaller, more manageable

problems.

Provide a reason for your request - if youre asking

someone to do something, explain why you are asking, this
makes it sound less like an order
JAW-JITSU - The Art of Strategic Speaking
There are also some basic things to avoid saying or doing

Dont speak in a manner that will generate hostility

sounding apathetic, condescending or mechanical

Dont challenge, threaten, or dare the individual

Dont belittle the person to make them feel foolish

Dont attempt to bargain with a threatening individual

Dont criticize

Dont act impatiently

Make false statements or promises that cannot be kept.

Impart a lot of complicated information when emotions are

high.

Take sides that makes the dispute personal

Make the situation less serious than it is.

Again, the words we use are very important. This relates to the
content element of our messages.
For example, many people will approach a person who is upset with
the statement Calm down!.
JAW-JITSU - The Art of Strategic Speaking
Now think for a moment if you were upset and someone came up to
you and ordered you to calm down. Would that make you relax?
What is a statement like "calm down" to someone? Truthfully, it never
sounds like a practical suggestion. Instead, it sounds like a challenge;
which is completely contrary to the objective of de-escalation.
When someone is in conflict, they are often seeking control. By
challenging them with a phrase like "calm down," we can create a
power struggle in the mind of the other person. So how about an
alternative that lets the other person know that you are really trying to
help?
"I can see that you are upset. Help me understand what your
concerns are. Or What can I do to help?
Statements like these can provide you with an opening to empathize
with the feelings of the other person and gain some level of control
while simultaneously giving the person in conflict a sense of control
as well.
Are There Times When De-Escalation is The Wrong Approach?
Absolutely. There are times when should you NOT attempt to de-
escalate a situation. If you are dealing with a person who appears to
be incapable of reason or impaired judgment -- this could be from
alcohol, drugs, or even a medical condition. Or if a person appears to
have calmed down on their own after an outburst; you may not want
or need to open the discussion again.
In certain cases you should not attempt to de-escalate a situation in
the first place. In those circumstances, you should simply disengage
and obtain further assistance. For example, if a situation has become
physical, verbal de-escalation is not appropriate.
JAW-JITSU - The Art of Strategic Speaking
Never put yourself in danger to de-escalate a situation. It is important
to always remember to protect yourself and others.
If you do approach a situation that could escalate:

Do not make any sudden movements which might be

interpreted as threatening

Do not cross into that persons personal space

Position yourself so access to an exit is NOT blocked

If at any time a persons behavior starts to escalate beyond your

comfort zone, its time disengage immediately

Always be prepared to walk away

How should you position yourself when you are speaking? What
should your body language project?

Maintain a safe distance whenever possible

Maintain an assertive, balanced posture, standing straight

up, feet shoulder-width apart, making eye contact; dont
forget to control your breathing. This helps you stay relaxed
and also prevents your speaking voice from sounding
stressed or upset.
JAW-JITSU - The Art of Strategic Speaking

Do not place yourself in a challenging stance, hands on hips

or crossing your arms, pointing your finger and so forth
We need to remember that we are not able to solve every problem or
fix other peoples behavior. If a person has been obnoxious his entire
life, he will not suddenly stop being obnoxious today. And most likely,
if he is having a bad day, he wants you to have one too. He will push
as many of your buttons as he can find. In these situations if you feel
your buttons being pushed, remove the emotional component as best
you can and focus on getting the job done. Remember, everything is
business, dont let it get personal.
Decision Points
There are key moments during any conflict which can act as a trigger.
These moments, which we call decision points, are those times
where a verbal dispute can tip towards physical danger. With
practice you can develop the ability to recognize these decision
points and to make the decisions that will direct you towards a
positive outcome. To illustrate how decision points work, lets look at
a scenario involving the phenomena of road rage.
Road rage is a frequently-reported problem that provides multiple
opportunities for decision points and yet people often get in trouble
because of a situation that typically starts off as something relatively
minor. Although decision points are present in these situations, many
people go into an emotional response very quickly. Here is how such
an incident might play out:
You're driving down a highway and there's a car tailgating very
closely. This irritates you since the passing lane is open and the
JAW-JITSU - The Art of Strategic Speaking
person could easily just pass on by, but for some reason this person
is staying right on your tail.
Decision point #1, you could take a deep breath and not let it get to
you, giving the person the benefit of the doubt that maybe they are
unaware of what they are doing. This leads to decision point #2,
which allows you to both continue driving. Or, another decision point
#2, you could start imagining what the person might be thinking and
take his tailgating as a personal insult. This will increase your anger,
respirations and heartbeat to the point where your adrenaline actually
starts flowing.
Decision point #3, You realize that you are reacting emotionally, take
some deep breaths and try and calm down. Or, another decision point
#3, you get really angry and decide to tap on your brakes just a little,
to teach this idiot a lesson.
So let's say you that you did tap on your brakes. Upon seeing your
brake lights suddenly coming back at him, the other driver initiates a
panic stop at 60 miles an hour, complete with screeching brakes and
burning rubber. If he wasn't upset before, he certainly is now. With his
own adrenaline flowing, he pulls up next to you, makes an obscene
gesture with his hand and makes several profane comments with his
mouth.
This leads to decision point #4, where you realize that you have not
acted sensibly. So you take some big breaths and decide not to
engage and ignore the gesture. Perhaps you even offer a wave,
gesture an apology, and avoid an emotional outburst of your own.
Most often such a reaction is enough to de-escalate the situation.
Or: The other option is to allow your adrenaline and anger push you
further out of control. Perhaps you start shouting your own profane
JAW-JITSU - The Art of Strategic Speaking
comments as you speed down the road, risking your own safety to
prove some point, which in your present state you may not even
remember. You have the vague realization that you might be making
a major mistake, but as mad as you are now, you couldnt stop
yourself even if you wanted to.
At this point the situation is very volatile. The only way for it to come
to a non-violent resolution is for someone to give in by
acknowledging their inappropriate behavior and backing off, (which
would have negated the situation far more easily if it had been done
in the first place). Or perhaps no one gives in and the situation ends
in an accident, a fight or even a gunshot.
As surprising as it may seem, the second result occurs much more
often than one might think. Why is this? Because under stress,
people tend to respond emotionally rather than logically. This same
situation plays out hundreds of different ways every day.
The good news is that with some basic awareness you can learn to
recognize these decision points and disarm many situations before
they escalate to dangerous levels. In fact, with practice, one can act
on these decision points to guide situations to a positive outcome
most of the time.
Non-Defensive Listening
Lets look at another de-escalation concept, something I call Non-
Defensive Listening. The idea behind non-defensive listening is to
encourage the other person to let what you are saying get past their
natural psychological barriers. This is particularly useful when you
have to tell people things that they really dont want to hear.
JAW-JITSU - The Art of Strategic Speaking
Lets look at a workplace example. Consider the following situation: a
co-worker consistently deflects, resists, or lashes back each time you
initiate an honest discussion of an issue.
Youve become frustrated or upset with this persons attitude and
inability to hear your message. Youd like to express how it is for you,
to get to an understanding or agreement, and to move on.
So why do you think they are resisting? Just to be difficult? Fear?
Self-preservation? Whatever it is, you havent figured out a way past
it yet.
If the other persons behavior is bothering you, then you must first
take responsibility about how to handle it. Your options could be:
avoid them, accommodate them, defer to someone else, or confront
them. In any case, you cant realistically expect the other person to
notice that you are bothered. If you tend to avoid confrontations, an
important question to ask yourself is "Will the situation change if I do
nothing?" If you do decide to confront them, you might arrive at a win-
win solution, a compromise, or no deal.
Lets assume you have to work together, or perhaps you're in a
relationship you value for some other reason. If you are holding a
negative opinion about the other person, you could just go directly for
what you want: for them to hear you, see it your way, and perhaps to
change their behavior.
Directly confronting the issue by telling them what you think might
make things seem clear for you, but might not get your true message
across. Why is this? Because there are two components at work;
there's the content of your message such as "You missed another
deadline" and your own attitude about that message such as "and I'm
sick and tired of it".
JAW-JITSU - The Art of Strategic Speaking
So what is your true goal in making the other person aware of your
point of view? By being overly assertive you may get resolution, but
possibly at the expense of the relationship.
Assuming you want to preserve your relationship with this person and
simultaneously get your point across, you need to know where they
are coming from. We know that people primarily operate based on
their own needs, wants, and desires. If you know their interests or
their intentions you have a better chance of reaching them when it
comes time to proposing a solution.
Ask or Tell?
Whats more likely to get you on track toward your goal: asking or
telling? Telling it like it is may be satisfying for you in the moment, but
will it get you the response you want? Asking direct, focused
questions rather than making a strong assertion should reveal much
about their agenda. That awareness allows you to move with and find
ways to blend with their desired outcome, so you can reach your
ultimate goal.
Asking questions and listening creates psychological room for them
to hear you. In short, avoid explaining your viewpoint or making
requests until after youve discovered theirs.
Remember this: unless you have permission to dig and do process
problem-solving, avoid asking "Why" questions. These puts people
on the defensive and tends distract the focus of the conversation.
Instead, use questions that start with "What" or "How." And when you
ask questions be genuinely interested in the answer.
JAW-JITSU - The Art of Strategic Speaking
When Its Your Turn
If your goal is to influence the other persons behavior, the
next step is to get them to hear and value how the situation
personally affects you.
When you have rapport, the classic "I" message is probably your best
"tell" alternative. An "I" message uses the template "I feel [name the
feeling] when you [describe the behavior] because [state the
consequences or reasons for your feelings]" and is clear and direct.
The sequence is key: state your feeling first, then their role described
in behavioral terms, then what it means to you. If you begin with
"You ..." everything after that will be deflected and they'll probably say
"You..." also.
Guidelines for effective conflict management

1. The goal of any dispute should be to resolve a conflict rather than
to win or come out on top. If one person feels like they lost it will
create resentment. And over time resentment can be damaging or
even dangerous. Realistically, it is not possible for everyone to feel as
though they have won. But all parties should feel as though theyve
gained something. Even if all they gained was an acknowledgment of
their position.

2. Recognize your own resentments as soon as you are aware of
them rather than letting them build up into an explosion. You may not
want to express these resentments, but recognizing them as decision
points will prevent you from making negative emotional decisions.

JAW-JITSU - The Art of Strategic Speaking
3. Nothing is more important in conflict resolution than the ability to be
flexible. Ask yourself if your position is based on principle or are you
just being stubborn?

4. Communication should always be as clear and direct as possible.
Make sure you aren't expecting people to read your mind.
5. Be sure to ask for feedback and reflect on what you think the other
person is saying. Often people will be arguing about different issues
without being aware of it.

6. Argue only one point at a time. Resist the temptation to get off the
subject. Even issues that seem related can be distracting.

7. Are you overreacting and making too much about a trivial issue? If
you do this frequently it might mean that there is a more important
issue that is not being talked about.
8. Avoid ganging up. Disputes are best handled between two people
at a time.
9. Don't get in the middle of a argument you don't belong in.
10. Never make light of the other persons feelings.
We have actually covered a lot of information. We have discussed:

The elements of effective communication

how employee interactions can contribute to the mission of

Workplace Safety

words and phrases that can calm people down

words and phrases that can escalate a situation

JAW-JITSU - The Art of Strategic Speaking

recognizing when to break away or disengage with someone

What you must remember is that in order to control others verbally,
you first must be able to control yourself. While this point is simple to
understand it can be difficult to apply. When you are dealing with a
loud, rude or profane person it is hard not to take their comments
personally. But dont do it. If you lose your temper, become sarcastic,
or yell, you have lost the battle.
To accomplish your goals, you have to work on keeping your
feelings out of the situation. People will only concede control
to you if you appear to be in control. So now you might be
thinking, What if I dont feel like Im calm or in control?
This is a good question. Some of this is acting. And just like in
acting, you have to be believable in order to sell what you are
saying.
Allowing the other person to save face is important too. If
someone feels insulted in front of a group, they may feel that
they have nothing left to lose. When this happens, the situation
may now become physically dangerous. Never put someone in the
position of appearing foolish because of what you say. If they
happen to appear foolish, let that be because of what they say.
So is this all starting to sound like I am are telling you to be
nice to people who dont deserve it? I am. By nice, I mean
professional. Stay polite and focused on the issue. Remember that
the problem is generally not about you. You just happen to be
where the problem is, which makes you a focal point for the
problem.
If you can solve the problem, solve it. If you can minimize the
JAW-JITSU - The Art of Strategic Speaking
problem, do that. But if you cant make any progress with the
person, you may just have to disengage from the situation. This
can be difficult and you may feel as though you have failed
somehow. You didnt. Some situations cannot be fixed and trying
to continually appease irrational people eventually comes at the
expense of everyone else around them.
Just remember that good manners combined with a good strategy is
the best formula for a good outcome.
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When negotiations have failed, it's time to Become Dangerous.
To learn more powerful strategies and techniques, get tactical
authority Mike Gillette's "Become Dangerous" program
Go to www.mikegillette.com and order now!
JAW-JITSU - The Art of Strategic Speaking