Interpersonal Effectiveness: The 3 Types of Assertive Skills

Below you will find a description of three types of assertive

communication: 1) !"ect Assertion #) $elationship Assertion 3) Self%
$espect Assertion&
f course' in the real world' we are often doin( all three within any one
discussion' !ut' for the sake of clarity and effectiveness' we encoura(e
choosin( amon( the three types for a top priority )Each is (iven an
acronym which is ela!orated on in individual separate handouts)&
1) !"ectives Effectiveness )*EA$%+A,): Choosing this type
of assertive priority is about o!tainin( a specific o!"ect that you
want or don-t want&
a& Standing up for your rights in such a way that they are taken seriously
!& $e.uestin( others to do things in such a way that they do it
c& $efusin( unwanted or unreasonable requests and making the refusal stick
d& Resolving interpersonal conflict
e& Getting your opinion/point of view taken seriously
t is important to remember that no one is able to get everything they want from others all
of the time! Some environments are "impervious" to even the most skilled individuals!
ncreased interpersonal skills will increase your probability of getting your ob#ectives met$
but it is not a guarantee! n situations where it is impossible to get what you want distress
tolerance and radical acceptance become important interpersonal skills!
%) $elationship Effectiveness )/I0E): &his assertive priority
means you are choosing to emphasi'e$ maintain' or stren(then an
interpersonal relationship! (hen this works well$ you will get what
you want$ and the other person may like or respect you even more
than before!
a& )cting in a way that makes the other person want to give you what you are asking for
!& )cting in a way that makes the other person feel good about your saying *no+ to their
request
c& ,alancing immediate -short.term) goals with what is good for the relationship
Sometimes your main goal is to get the other person to approve of you more$ stop
critici'ing or re#ecting you$ or to stay with you! n this case$ relationship effectiveness refers
to choosing a way to do this -improve the relationship) that does not do damage to the
relationship in the long term!
)n e/ample of risking a long term relationship for short term relationship gain would be
attacking someone for voicing a criticism! &his does not mean that you cannot deal with the
criticism0 however$ it does mean that let yourself be heard in a way that does not attack the
other person! t is also important to remember that you have to balance relationship goals
with the other two types of goals -i!e!$ ob#ect goals and self.respect)! Continually sacrificing
your ob#ect goals for the sake of the relationship won1t guarantee that the relationship will
go smoothly! &he key problem with always trying to improve relations and sacrificing ob#ect
goals is that it doesn2t resolve real problems$ and resentment will keep building$ e!g!$
Relationship begins person sacrifices needs and wants to keep the relationship
frustration and unmet needs$ huge inequities relationship ends3 big fight$ partner walks
out or you leave the relationship in frustration!
4) Self%respect Effectiveness )1AST): Self.respect effectiveness
involves maintaining or improvin( your (ood feelin( a!out
yourself and respectin( your own values or !eliefs! t includes
acting in ways that fit your sense of morality and acting in ways that
make you feel competent!
Thin(s that diminish self%respect over the lon( term:
a& Giving in for the sake of approval!
!& 5ying to please others or for vengance
c& )cting helpless!
2sin( the three types of effectiveness:
n each situation below$ choose your order of priority for being assertive!
E3amples Situations4
1& 6our landlord keeps deposit unfairly!
7b#ective 888888888888888888
Relationship 888888888888888888
Self.respect 888888888888888888
#& ,est friend wants to come over and discuss problem0 you are tired and want to go to
sleep!
7b#ective 888888888888888888
Relationship 888888888888888888
Self.respect 888888888888888888
3& 6ou want a raise0 your boss wants se/ in return!
7b#ective 888888888888888888
Relationship 888888888888888888
Self.respect 888888888888888888
)dapted from www!dbtselfhelp!com