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North Star ™
Nov/Dec
To Inspire Conscious Parenting and Empowered Kids
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Good The
Appreciative
Parents Role Blame
Inquiry
Models Game
P
K Who We Are
We are three people with a passion
Our Beliefs
Our Beliefs
• Every child is born with an innate curiosity and love of learning.
• Every child is unique and his/her individuality is valuable to the family and to the world.
• Every child is born with unbounded potential.
• Every child can have high self-esteem, be self-motivated, and respectful of themselves and
others if given the appropriate tools and experiences.
• How we treat our toddlers and children today has a direct influence on their self-opinion
and the choices they will make as teenagers and young adults of the future.
• Parents have the single most important influence on children’s lives.
• The future is unlimited when our thoughts, feelings, and actions are in alignment with our
intentions.
Accordingly, As Parents, It Is Our Responsibility To:
• Support our children’s unique talents and abilities.
• Foster our children’s innate curiosity and love of learning.
• Empower our children to make meaningful decisions every day.
• Remind our children that their futures are full of possibilities.
• Acknowledge that parenting is as much a learning process for us as for our children.
P
At a Glance: K
Parents “ P ” for Parents
Table of Contents
“ K ” for Kids
12 Guided By NSFM
By Tanessa Dillard Noll
14 Appreciative Inquiry
By JoAnn Ray
22 “I Am” Affirmations
For Self-Esteem
By Dr. Marilyn Powers & Steve Viglione
24 Reading Right
By Dee Tadlock, Ph.D.
Kids
16 Discovering Confidence
By Sophie Frank
22 “I Am” Affirmations
For Self-Esteem
By Dr. Marilyn Powers & Steve Viglione
26 Games
23 Answers to October’s Games
28 Coloring Page North Star Family Matters | Nov/Dec 3
K
P
K
From Us to You
From Us to You
Did you receive this magazine as a gift from someone else? Imagine, which
of your friends, family, and clients would enjoy receiving a complimentary
gift of NSFM from YOU? What wonderful advertising for NSFM and a great
wendy@northstarfamilymatters.com way to spread the word about conscious parenting. And on top of it all,
you can join the LMME affiliate program for free and get paid when you
share the magazine. This is a program that works for everyone--so get
on board and start sharing the gift of NSFM with your friends, clients, and
family.
Warmest Regards,
Principles:
Good Role Models
By Wendy Garrido
This is the last article in our eight-part series on Conscious Parenting Principles. Find
the previous seven articles on our website at www.NorthStarFamilyMatters.com
Attention ° Emotional Support ° Responsible Choices ° Boundaries ° Independence &
Community ° Good Communication ° Encourage Curiosity ° Role Models
Blame
Game
“Positive emotional habits…help kids meet challenge with optimism and vigor
and respond to other people with openness and joy.”
-Priscilla Vail, M.A.T.
I came home from school and took my dog Magic for a walk
in the woods. It was a beautiful fall day and we had so much
fun. She loves to chase squirrels and roll in the leaves. When
we got home, we headed to the kitchen, part of our daily
routine, where I gave Magic a biscuit and poured myself a glass
of juice. My mom walked in from work and mumbled, “Hi, Char.
How did your day go?”
said, “Okay, even though I feel lousy, I completely and totally accept
myself. It isn’t easy to accept myself now that I feel frustrated but
I will try. Even though I’d rather blame them, they aren’t even here
now and I still feel lousy.” Soon I started feeling better. I had been
having a great day and their moods didn’t have to ruin mine! I
decided to call Ana and see if she wanted to go tree climbing. On
the way out I yelled to my mom, “I hope you feel better. Love you.
“Great. How was yours?” She must have had a rotten day be- How about we catch up when I get home?”
cause she just turned and walked away muttering! Usually we sit Char blamed her mom and brother for her reactions, her
down and chat. Maybe she’s mad at me. Then, Aiden, my younger mom blamed Aiden, work, and her headache, and who knows
brother, started blasting his music from his bedroom, the rap music what Aiden’s problem was?! They were all playing the Blame
that I can’t stand. All of a sudden my great day started turning Game. Who is responsible for our emotional reactions?
gray. Then, to top it off, I heard my mom yell, “Aiden, turn off that We are! In fact, how we react and what we think are the
music. I have a headache.” only things we truly have control over. Char might be used
I was feeling so good until they ruined my day. I felt angry and to and expect to have a good conversation with her mom
frustrated, so I went to my room and slammed the door. I am sick when she gets home. When it doesn’t happen, she reacts.
of this. How could my great day get turned around in just an in- But Char has a choice. She can deal with her own reactions,
stant? I decided to try this thing my counselor taught me because, or she can try to change the way her mom is. Which do you
after all, it couldn’t hurt! I tapped on the side of my hand and think is easier?
Empowered Families
by something that is happening now. We learn to interpret the world based on our childhood experiences, and un-
We expect and want certain things to less we consciously address them, they may continue throughout our lifetime.
happen and when they don’t we have Take this quiz to see how your past experiences and present reactions tie
an emotional reaction. All negative together.
emotions are simply resistance to what
is. Feelings like anger, sadness, or frus- 1. If your father gets angry at you, do you think…?”
tration aren’t bad, they just feel bad and a) “I must be a really terrible person for him to get so mad at me…”
there’s a reason for that. They’re ask- b) “Why does he always have to make me feel so guilty?”
ing us to pay attention to the conflict c) “Yikes, he must have had a bad day because he’s sure acting angry
within us. It’s like a tug of war between and irrational.”
how we’d like things to be and how 2. When you do poorly on a test, do you think…?
they really are. So the goal isn’t to just a) “I knew it--I’m too dumb for this class!”
b) “That test was way too hard, nobody could have gotten it right.”
stop feeling angry, hurt, or sad, it’s to c) “It was harder than I expected but if I had studied more I could have
adjust our thoughts and beliefs so that done a lot better.”
we can grow, adapt, and make sense out 3. When your partner is upset because you forgot to pick the
of what happens and how it affects us. kids up from soccer, do you think…?
When we feel better about ourselves a) “I guess I really am terrible. How could I forget my own children?!”
and our lives, we can then reach out b) “You just don’t get it! I have so much to do, you’re always nagging
to others in compassionate and caring me!”
ways. c) “Wow, I guess I had more on my plate than I realized. I’ll have to
keep better track of the commitments I make so this doesn’t happen
Imagine if your whole family decided again.”
to stop blaming anyone else for their
4. Your boss or teacher comes into your office or class steam-
own anger, sadness, anxiety, or frus- ing mad because you missed an important deadline or as-
tration. You and your family are an signment. Do you think…?
emotional team. Developing healthy a) “Geez, I did it again. I’m terrible at this.”
emotional interactions and boundaries b) “It’s your fault! You’re always putting pressure on me so I can’t get
at home equips us with a safe platform anything done!”
to venture out in the world. A strong c) “Gosh, I wonder how I let that one slip by! It’s too bad because I
know that was important to you. I’ll do what I can to help now, but
emotional family team is becoming unfortunately, I can’t go back in time.”
more and more essential for the busy
lives we live as it can drastically help
us reduce overall stress levels, which
results in better health in body, mind
A If you answered mostly As, you have a tendency to buy into the idea
that you’re responsible for other people’s happiness or unhappiness.
Perhaps people expected you to be responsible for keeping them happy, or
and spirit. you might have some low self-esteem that keeps you from knowing your
If your mother is angry at you, you value. Look back to your childhood and see if you remember being told, “You
can look her in the eye and lovingly shouldn’t say that. It might hurt his feelings.” Let your new mantra be: “I am
say, “You’re really angry but I am not responsible for how I act. I am not responsible for how others react.”
responsible for your anger, Mom. I
love you. Is there anything I can do to
help?” Sometimes when we start to
B If you answered mostly Bs, you tend to blame other people instead of
looking inside yourself. Your challenge is to stop blaming others for how
you react and instead start acknowledging and taking responsibility for your
end the Blame Game, it is hard enough own feelings. Think back to your childhood to see if there were times when
just to say, “I am not responsible for your parents conveyed the message that it was never your fault, that you
your anger,” let alone ask how we can couldn’t have helped it. As needed, remind yourself: “I am responsible for how
help. Take it a step at a time and re- I feel. No one else is to blame.”
C
member the goal is to be able to reach
out when others are in pain, instead of If you answered mostly Cs, it sounds like you have a pretty good handle
taking on their pain! on taking responsibility for your own emotions without accepting the
Now imagine your mom stops blam- blame that other people might place on you. Discuss your thoughts with your
ing you too! “Jeremy, I am really angry. kids and keep things going well with a Stop the Blame Game at your house.
Not angry at you, just angry. pg. 11
L
By Kurt Hines
ast month I received an enjoyable visit from my mind, it seems that he is just trying to manipulate me. All
the editors of this fine magazine. (I think that the thoughts and reactions I experience during these times
they wanted to see if I really had the family revolve around me--how his reactions make me feel, how
that I write about!) We had several conversa- they affect me, what this experience says about me. It is
tions that inspired me with future topics for articles. One much more difficult for me to stay connected to the objective
such topic arose when Wendy, who was a student of mine in knowledge that “I am not responsible for how others react,
my first teaching job nearly twenty years ago, asked me how including my children!”
being a stay-at-home dad of three kids is different from being As a teacher I was able to emotionally separate myself from
the only teacher of eight kids in a small, one-room, mixed- my class, but as a parent I find it is much more challenging, es-
age private school. As I considered the differences, I realized pecially as the primary caregiver in our home. I imagine that I
that almost all my difficulties parenting are wrapped up in the am just like the many stay-at-home moms who have done this
answer to this particular question. It has to do with the in- for years. I perceive my own “success” by the “success” of
tensity of my emotions, or to say it another way, it’s about the my family. According to this reasoning, I am the one at home,
strength of my own reactions and my resistance to the words therefore, I am the one responsible for how the kids behave.
or actions of my children. So, there is the difference between a class of children and
With a degree in child development, I have a reasonable un- my family of children. The difference is me. As a teacher, I
derstanding that part of a child’s “job” is to discover who they could easily step back and disengage from most emotional
are in the world. Children need to test, question, and push reactions, and yet, as a parent, I take responsibility for my chil-
the limits they encounter in order to understand which limits dren’s reactions, rather than my own.
are truly important and which are not. It is how we learn and I am doing the best I can at being a stay-at-home dad and I
evolve--it is human nature. have three wonderful kids.The more aware and responsible
Although I know logically that my children are no different I am for my own reactions, rather than focusing on their ac-
than others in this regard, I seem to hold them to higher stan- tions, the more my kids will learn to do the same. I need to
dards. Of course, this doesn’t have anything to do with them, be more patient and tolerant with myself, and remember that
it’s simply that I am more emotionally vested in my own chil- my children are not me, and I am not them.
dren and, therefore, I react to what they do with a personal Our role as parents is to support, guide, and empower our
charge. I suppose this charge is a reflection of my past and an children so they can step out into the world as confident,
extension of myself. capable young adults who feel secure in who they are. Most
If I am in a grocery store watching someone else’s child importantly, we want to remember that, as a family, we are a
have a temper tantrum, I might understand that the child is team of unique individuals who are capable of being respon-
tired or experiencing sensory overload. I’d feel for the parent sible for our own actions and reactions. Having discovered
and notice how his/her actions are helping or hindering the this difference in perspective, I think it will be a little easier
child’s peaceful resolution of her feelings. Most likely I might for me to take a step back and start to see my children as the
evaluate their parenting skills, or lack thereof. wonderful, independent little individuals that they are. I will
On the other hand, if my child has a tantrum in the gro- love them more and judge them less, just like I did with those
cery store, I see it as a personal attack and affront on me. In I
kids in my class.
Empowered Families
down before we talk about this.” and happiness. We can then find our
Reactions and thoughts are part of emotional balance and know that if we
life, as they reflect who we think we We spend much of are responsible for how we feel, we
are and how we feel about ourselves. can then reach out to others with love,
our lives wishing and
They are wonderful signs of where we compassion, and understanding. Instead
need to grow as people. Feelings are waiting for people and of engaging in their anger, we meet
an opportunity to learn more about circumstances to change, their anger with love. Of course there
ourselves and others in healthy ways. to be “just right” so that are times it is healthier to walk away
Acting on anger, hurt, or fear typically we can feel good. and give people time to calm down.
just makes more anger, hurt or fear, Emotional and physical violence are
but acknowledging how we feel and not acceptable, nor does anyone ever
adjusting our internal mechanisms, Remember these four steps to SPOT deserve it.
helps us let go of the Blame Game. It your reactions: It’s important to separate yourself
is hard enough to take responsibil- Stop Engaging: When people are from the negative emotions some-
ity for ourselves, let alone think we angry, blaming you, or just mean you one blames you for. You are never the
are responsible for how other people don’t have to defend yourself. Instead, cause, simply the trigger. The goal is to
react! We can’t change the outside pay attention to your reactions and get back in balance so you can actually
world, all we can do is change how we get yourself back to feeling balanced. listen, empathize, and help meet the
think and act, and when we do, miracles “You sound really angry and I am not other person’s needs from a balanced
happen. When we believe we are more responsible for your anger.” It feels so place.
than just our thoughts and reactions, empowering! Then, we can reach out We spend much of our lives wish-
we begin to go with the flow of life and to help them. ing and waiting for people and circum-
become a beacon for others. Pay Attention To Your Reactions: I stances to change, to be “just right” so
“Faced with frustration, despair, worry, feel sad when Sam is angry at me. I’m that we can feel good. The truth is that
sadness, or shame, kids lose access to afraid he won’t like me. I want to let we need to adapt and adjust our inter-
their own memory, reasoning, and the go of this sadness so I can be his good nal mechanisms as we learn to accept
capacity to make connections.” friend when he needs me. what is and figure out how to enjoy life.
--Priscilla Vail, M.A.T. Open Up To Releasing Your Negative It’s not about the situation but rather
Not only do we feel bad when we Emotions: Even though I feel afraid, I about the thoughts and emotions that
get stuck in our negative emotions, but completely and totally accept myself. take place inside of us.
they actually stop us from thinking as Just because Jana isn’t my friend any- When we feel angry, scared, or anx-
well. Did you know that your memory more doesn’t mean Sam will act that ious it drains the energy right from us.
is worse and you have more trouble way. The body starts doing all kinds of things
figuring things out if you’re sad, frus- (Emotional Freedom Techniques to put us on high alert! There’s a prob-
trated, angry, scared, or worried than (EFT) is the best thing we’ve found to lem! Do something! We are much
if you’re in a good mood? You think do this, but other things might work more powerful than just our brain and
more clearly when you’re in a good for you too;Yoga, journaling, Abraham- body. We are full of intelligence. We
mood because negative emotions are Hicks activities, an NVC empathy ses- are spiritual beings and how we believe
roadblocks that actually change the sion, breath-work, NLP, reframing, etc.) may just be more important than what
way your brain works. This means that Take The Time To Reach Out With actually happens.
instead of trying to “fix” the situation Love: “Sounds like you are really angry, Instead of arguing, blaming, or yelling,
when we’re upset, (which we can’t Sam. You are my best friend. Let me we simply state, “I am not responsible
always do anyhow) we are better off know how I can help.” Patiently keep for how you feel.” And then figure out
addressing our thoughts and how we the door open to reconnect and sup- what this is teaching you about yourself.
feel. We’ll do much better on a test port others, while keeping your emo- When we stop saying “It’s your fault”
if we’re feeling safe and relaxed than tional balance. and instead say, “I am responsible for
if we’re feeling scared or anxious. We Whoever or whatever is triggering my reactions,” we eliminate judgment
can figure out better solutions to meet us has something to teach us about and create a common foundation for
everyone’s needs when we’re not angry ourselves. When we stop saying “It’s our Family Team to support each other
or frustrated. Do you remember your fault” and instead say, “How can in the Game of Life. I
North Star Family Matters | Nov/Dec 11
P
Guided By NSFM
Guided By NSFM
Guided by NSFM
daily to welcome him into our world,
while setting healthy boundaries. For
instance, I trade my book that he
wants to tear the pages out of for a
newspaper he can gladly destroy. If
he starts banging on Daddy’s guitar
with the phone, Daddy might take the
instrument and entertain him with a
song or take the phone away. There
is plenty of give and take these days,
along with more open lines of com-
munication and loads of laughter.
In the latest issue of NSFM, “Keep-
ing on Track,” the article about
trauma and its impact on the brain
touched me on many levels. The
greatest lesson for me was that we
can never predict what might trau-
matize a child. I know these first six
years are crucial for Guy’s develop-
ment. I plan to nurture him and
protect him in everyway I can, while
at the same time empowering him to
discover who he is while he explores
the world. Sooner or later, he’s sure
to experience something that hurts
or upsets him. My job will be to help
him release these negative emotions.
Good thing I’m practicing on myself
now! I
th son, Guy
Author, Tanessa, wi
About the Author:
Tanessa Dillard Noll is a stay-at-
home mom who lives in Belfair,
WA. Before motherhood, she
worked with kids of all ages as a
tutor, mentor, chat room monitor
and teacher. She has degrees in
communications and teaching.
Appreciative Inquiry
A
By JoAnn Ray
ppreciative Inquiry (AI) is based on an idea family. Imagine the strength of focusing on what we appre-
that many of us are already familiar with— ciate about our partner! One of the best uses for Appre-
that what we focus upon tends to increase. ciative Inquiry in families may be in family meetings. (Read
Founded in the business world1, AI explores more about C2: Connective Communication Family Meet-
current successes and how they happened instead of focus- ings on our website.) Asking appreciative questions helps
ing upon problems. Emphasizing success helps recreate everyone understand what is special about the family and
the excitement and passion of those events and motivates encourages them to enjoy their best memories. There are
everyone to discover new ways to make peak experiences four steps or “4 Ds” which guide the questioning process.
a more frequent occurrence.
If we count the times we fail, we increase our chances Appreciative Inquiry to Plan a
of failing, but if we concentrate on the occasions when we
achieved our goals, we enhance our chances of success.
Family Vacation
What we focus upon interacts with our beliefs to struc- Discovery Appreciate the best of “what is.” This may be accom-
ture our personal reality, giving us permission to create plished by sharing stories, figuring out what made these times
what we see as possible. special, who was involved, how it all unfolded.
Appreciative Inquiry is a powerful tool for empowering Javonna and her mother, Katherina, are planning their
families, because each person’s ideas are equally consid- yearly vacation with Aunt Dorie and Jav’s cousins Mikel and
ered. Focusing on what is working well helps move the Jillian. Aunt Dorie just finished AI training and is leading
group along as both parent and child contribute and ex- the discussion and begins “discovery.”
plore their dreams for improving the day, activity, or their “Would you guys try this new thing I learned? It might
family. It can be applied to any situation between children, help us plan our vacation better this year.”
parents and children, partners, or with an entire extended Everyone agrees, so she says, “Each of you think about
1
Cooperrider, D. L., Whitney, D. & Stavros, J.M. (2003). Appreciative inquiry handbook, Bedford Heights, OH: Lakeshore Publishers.
Conscious Parenting
Why was it the best? What did you we see that future?
do, and how did you feel?” Aunt Dorie moves the family to the
Javonna starts out, “My favorite vaca- Dreaming phase. “Pretend it is Sep-
tion was at the Oregon Coast. Jillian tember and this year’s vacation was
and I loved counting whales. And even the most perfect vacation ever. What
Mikel and I got along and didn’t fight.” would you say when someone asks,
Jillian adds, “Mmmmm…I loved the ‘What did you do last summer?’”
fudge at the coast. But my best ever “I’d like to say that I went trout
vacation was going riding in Montana. fishing and rock climbing.”
I loved learning to ride better.” “Oh, we rock climbed at school this
“How about you Mikel?” year. I’d like to do that too, but to tell
“Last year’s vacation was terrible. It you about the most perfect vacation,
rained and everybody just sat around I’d really like to have ridden horses get there? Should they drive or fly?
in the cabin. I’d rather stay home.” along the beach.” What’s the cost of driving compared
“It sounds like you were really disap- “I’d like to paint the seaside.” to flying? Who will look up places
pointed, Mikel,” “I want to rent a beautiful cottage to stay? Who wants to see what ar-
Mikel nods, “It wasn’t any fun.” right on the beach and see the sunset rangements need to be made ahead
Aunt Dorie acknowledges how every night with a hot tub on the of time for any of the activities? Em-
Mikel feels and helps him refocus on deck.” powering kids to get involved in the
another vacation. “It sounds like last Everyone has a chance to tell their logistics of planning helps everyone
year was not a good vacation for you. wishes and there is a long list of vaca-take responsibility for what they want
What was the last vacation you really tion possibilities, much longer than and how they can get it.
loved?” ever before. Everyone is excited, Appreciative Inquiry helps us focus
“Fishing on the lake with my friends, remembering peak experiences. With on success, accept statements with-
when we went to Copper Canyon.” all this information available now, the out judgment, and appreciate each
Katherina’s was a painting workshop. family has a new vision of what is person’s viewpoint. It gives everyone
Dorie’s favorite vacation was hiking in possible for their vacation. a voice from a successful place of im-
Yellowstone. With so many different portance, and allows families to work
answers, Aunt Dorie wonders, “What Design What is possible? Recognize together as a team, as their excite-
now?” Remembering the AI approach, what needs to happen to make past ment and enthusiasm create more
she responds to their input with ap- successes and visions a reality. What’s options than ever before. So, next
preciation. “I’m really glad we could important to each individual? Set new time you’re faced with trying to make
come up with so many good vacations. directions. a decision to please everyone—may-
Thanks for sharing your ideas and stay- Recognizing what is important, the be as you coordinate plans during this
ing focused on the vacations you loved. family considers the new ideas and holiday season—think of Appreciative
Can we find anything common in the makes a mutual decision, which is a Inquiry. It’s guaranteed to make the
ones we liked? Things that we would major change from the arguing last decision-making process more fun.
want to dream into this vacation?” year. Let us know when you decide to
“Everyone seems to like doing “Let’s look for a cottage on the use Appreciative Inquiry and tell us
something, an activity,” Jillian says. coast! Mikel can go deep-sea fishing, how it goes. Call (888) 360-0303 or
“The best vacations seem to be filled Jillian can ride horses, Jav can watch e-mail feedback@northstarfamilymat-
with doing something new, except fish-
ing,” adds Katherina.
whales, and Katherina can soak for
hours in a hot tub. We can have it all;
ters.com. I
“And a chance to do things with and that would be perfect.” About the Author:
people we like,” says Mikel. JoAnn Ray has her Ph.D. in So-
Destiny Make the change. cial Welfare. She taught at East-
Dream Make wishes. What might be? The group begins to take the steps ern Washington University and
Develop a vision of what is desired by clari- to make the vacation happen. They worked in the social work field
fying what’s important and defining the divvy up tasks. Who will figure out with women and children.
possibilities: What could it be like in the how far it is and how long it takes to
By Sophie Frank
This story was submitted to us by Sophie Frank, age 11. She dreams of be-
coming an author and we are proud to have been the first to publish her work.
Empowered Kids
ed by my best friend. The bell rang, teresta Lane. I decided to think
signaling the start of the afternoon about that on my short walk home
classes in five minutes. I rushed to and ignore my rough day at school.
my English class, avoiding Charlotte, I walked up the steps to my front
who was standing near my locker. porch and swung open the heavy
After school, as I waited in the line door. My sister and brother were
at the bus stop, I caught a glimpse of already home, since high school got
shiny black hair alongside Charlotte’s out earlier. I dropped my backpack
strawberry blonde hair. Charlotte in the mudroom, and hugged my dog
had seen me and had shouted, “Hey Randy as he bounded up to me. Then
Jenny! I want you to meet…” but I I walked into the kitchen where my
screamed back, “Bye! I have to run,” mom was washing dishes. She looked
almost before she could say anything up and gave me a granola bar as she
else. I hopped on the bus and the asked, “How was your day?”
doors closed behind me, giving me a “Fine,” I answered.
barrier from my fear. I went to the “What do you mean by fine? Is
back of the bus and sat down in a something wrong?” she asked.
vacant seat next to Sam Gerber. He “No, nothing,” I replied.
looked at me and laughed, “So I guess That was when I learned two
your best friend ran off without you.” things. 1) Never say “nothing” to
I looked at him and, as usual, said your parents because they will know
nothing. something is going on. 2) You can
I had never really paid much at- tell your parents anything because
tention to Sam Gerber, unlike most they are always there to listen to
of the girls who trailed after him all you. So I told her about Charlotte,
day, sometimes even sneaking into Destiny, and Sam Gerber. She looked
his classes! Now that I had a good thoughtfully for a few seconds then “So what would make you feel bet-
look at him, I saw what a clean face said, “It sounds like you had a terrible ter?” she asked again.
he had, and big eyes; he must have day at school. Why don’t you take I remembered taking one of those
an easy life. After all, it was clear he some time to do something nice for cheesy Internet quizzes last month,
didn’t have any reasons to feel shy or yourself?” titled What Is Your Hang Out Style? I
awkward. I sat in silence thinking to I had no idea what she meant. She said, “That’s it!” I told my mom about
myself, trying to ignore Sam’s remark. whipped out a pen and paper and the quiz and then said, “I need to
But then he said something else. said, “Now, what do you want to do pamper myself tonight.”
“Does it bother you that Charlotte today that would make you feel bet- “Okay then, I’ve got it!” said mom.
likes Destiny better than you?” ter? ” I stood there awkwardly still She came up with the idea of the
Finally I hissed a ferocious, “Keep confused. She laughed and said, “In best-smelling most-foaming bath ever.
quiet!” and surprisingly he didn’t say order to change, you have to ac- I hurried upstairs to search the
another word. I knew it was mean, cept yourself for who you are now. bathrooms for that great Bath &
but at the time I was so sad and So, what feelings do you want to Body Works stuff I knew we had. Five
angry I just didn’t care. I was relieved change?” minutes later I came out of the
when the bus jerked to a halt in front “Why do I need to change?” I asked bathroom carrying a huge pile of
on my street and I hoped I could es- still unsure. everything with the word “bath” on
cape the caged, trapped feelings that Mom laughed again, “ Because if you its label. I walked into the bathroom
invaded me, even on the bus. are going to be friends with Destiny where my mother had the hot bath
I got off the bus and glanced at you obviously need to get rid of your water started and I squeezed, sprin-
the blue sign in front of my street. sad, frustrated, lonely feelings so that kled, and poured all these wonderful
It read: Dremteresta Lane. What you can be your wonderful, sparkling nuggets into the water until the en-
a weird name. Why couldn’t it be self that I know and love.” I finally tire room smelled of rosemary, straw-
called Violet Fields Road or Secret understood.
berries, apples, peaches, and pg. 19
www.TappyBear.com
K
P
pg. 17 fruit of every kind. “Hi, I’m Jennifer.” saying it out loud. The whole bath-
“Enjoy yourself,” said Mom as I “Hi Jennifer, I’m Destiny. But I room could hear me, but I didn’t care.
sunk into my luxury bath. guess everybody in this school knows Somehow, all the things I did the night
Empowered Kids
I stayed in the tub for almost an before were fun, but when I thought
hour, adding hot water when it got about the situation at school, my feel-
too cool. Then I stepped out and Somehow, all the things ings hadn’t changed at all. I realized
wrapped myself up in one of the big I did the night before that in order to really change my feel-
soft towels and headed to my room. ings, I had to deal with the situation
I sat in bed thinking about all the
were fun, but when instead of distracting myself. EFT was
great things I had ended up doing I thought about the one way that I knew would really shift
after school. I took a bath, played situation at school, my my feelings.
soccer with my Dad, played my fa- feelings hadn’t changed As I walked out of the bathroom
vorite board games, baked chocolate I said, “Oh, hi Sam” to Sam Gerber
chip cookies, and had my favorite
at all. I realized that in who was alone in the hallway.
dinner. order to really change “Oh, hey Jennifer. I’m really sorry
Just then Dad walked in. He smiled my feelings, I had to deal about yesterday. I was just having a
and said the same thing he always with the situation instead bad day and I guess I took it out on
says when he tucks me in bed at of distracting myself. you.” He smiled.
night, “I love you more than the earth “Thanks,” I said, adding, “…and
and the universe.” I said the exact watch out for the girls behind you.”
same thing, and I knew we both my name by now.” He screamed and ducked into the
meant it. “Yah,” I said. Uh oh, something was next hallway, where another band of
The next morning I woke up bright not working. I saw all those eyes on screaming girls ran after him.
and early to watch the sun rise. I me, staring attentively trying to catch I strutted back into the cafete-
thought that, after so many fun things each word so they could share the ria and walked over to Destiny and
I did the day before, all my worries gossip with their friends…and their Charlotte’s table. “Welcome back,”
had faded away. When I heard my friends…and their friends. Feeling they both said and hugged me. “Well,
sister and brother galloping down the tears welling in my eyes, I said, “I whose house shall we go to after
the stairs on their way to school, I need to go to the bathroom. Be right school?” asked Charlotte. “We can
collected my homework and put on back.” go back to my house,” I offered. We
some clothes. This time, though, I did As I rushed into the bathroom, the walked out of the cafeteria as the bell
not put on my usual jeans, t-shirt, and entire 8th grade clique seemed to for the next class rang. It felt good
flip-flops. Instead I put on my funky have beaten me there. All of them to have finally dealt with my own
style: my favorite skirt, tank top, and were looking in the mirror putting fears and anxiety about the situa-
shoes. As I walked down the stairs, on loads of lipstick. I ran into a stall tion. Even though people might still
I saw my mom standing by the door crying silently. Why hadn’t Mom’s be gossiping, even though Charlotte
laughing, “How you’ve changed!” plan worked? I had such a good night was braver than I, even though Sam
“Thanks, Mom,” I said, hoping that doing so many fun things, but today I Gerber might still be a pain in the
when I got to school I’d have a new hardly felt any different than yester- neck sometimes, I was different. And
attitude to go with my new look. day! I thought of the clique; of those to top it off, not only did I have my
She answered, “Have a good day!” three girls by the mirror. What were best friend back, but now I had a new
as she opened the door and I stepped
outside to a clear morning and my
their names again? Oh yeah – Elaine,
Felicia, and Tory. “The EFT Girls,”
friend, too.I
second day at school. they called themselves... Wait a min-
Later that day at lunch, after I ate ute. EFT? About the Author:
the steaming food that had been Why hadn’t I thought of it be- Sophie Frank is eleven years old
served on my red plastic tray, I fore? Out of my backpack I grabbed and lives on Whidbey Island, WA.
walked toward the table where Des- my mini TappyBear, the one that my She is a sixth grader at the Whid-
tiny and Charlotte sat. Not caring mother had given me on my 12th bey Island Waldorf School. She
considers this her first step to be-
that everyone in the cafeteria was birthday. I whispered and tapped
coming the author/journalist that
staring directly at me, I sat down at away until I felt better, gradually she dreams of being.
the table. Destiny smiled as I said, gaining confidence until soon I was
Night
By Gary Craig
“I hope that someday the public media will broadcast EFT and its benefits to the
world. The idea, in my opinion, deserves a prominent place on 60 Minutes, Oprah, and
in every parent/child-oriented publication on the planet. Properly done, this idea will
launch our children into an adulthood filled with high levels of inner peace and self-
confidence. If every child was given these benefits, our eventual opportunities for
world peace would far exceed those of today.”
--Gary Craig, Founder of EFT
Emotional Toolbox
selves as uninvited guests in children’s Step 1: Use the finger tips of
psyches. Most of them are fiction and one hand to tap the fleshy part 2. Top Of Head
yet they may have a far greater impact on the side of the other hand.
on how a child’s life unfolds. As con- This is called the Karate-Chop 3. Inner Brow
scious parents we have an opportunity point.
4. Side of Eye
to ward off these “self confidence suck- Repeat 3 times: “Even though I...
ers” on a daily basis. As we support • Feel Sad 5. Under Eye
our children in letting go of their fears, • Hate Reading
sadness and anger, we can encourage • Am mad at my brother/sister 6. Under Nose
them to look deeper into issues. We • Feel _________
7. Chin
can suggest ways to reframe what hap- ...I deeply and completely love
pened and give alternative perspectives and accept myself because I am 8. Collar Bone
while doing EFT, which is much more an awesome kid!”
effective than to just talk. EFT simul- 9. Rib Cage
Step 2: Tap on points
taneously provides physical comfort, numbered 2-10 about 5-7 10. Under Arm
emotional support, and mental refram- times each, starting at the
ing. Without EFT, a child can be so top of the head and working
caught up in her own emotions that down to the point under
she has trouble understanding anyone the arm. 1. Karate-Chop
else’s. Don’t be surprised if sometime
during an EFT session with your child Start Here
he suddenly says: “Yeah, sometimes my
teacher gets really mad at me, but I’ll this phrase when you are tapping with EFT to both the “good” and the “bad”
bet his parents were even meaner to your child. That’s okay. If your child items can provide substantial benefits
him. He probably doesn’t know any lights up when she says it, then use it, across the board.
better.” but if it’s all you can do to get your Of course, we are all children (even
This process is also useful for pre- child to breathe between the sobs, then though some of us have developed a
verbal infants. Even though infants are let it go and just tap the points. few wrinkles) and, thus, this article need
not able to tell you what is bothering EFT is not only effective for resolv- not be limited to a specific age group.
them, the mere fact that they are crying ing the “bad” things that happen during Wouldn’t it be nice, whatever your age,
or exhibiting other signs of distress tells the day, it is also useful while the child is for someone to ask you about your
parents that something (e.g. a fear, trau- talking about the “good” thoughts and childhood “stuff”? And, wouldn’t it be
ma, or physical discomfort) needs to be happenings. In a gentle, loving, relaxed even nicer to resolve those issues daily?
resolved. During times of distress, the manner, the parental tapping can add Maybe you could trade this favor with
infant is “tuned in” to the problem and, a soothing element to the discussion. someone close to you, or just simply go
thus, in a good state to benefit from Furthermore, even though the child is through the process solo.
EFT. Adding tapping to the usual “there- discussing something positive, there is It’s never too late to have a happy
there’s” and other soothing language is
likely to resolve the more integral and
often a “comparing negative” behind it.
For example, if the child says...
childhood! I
longstanding issues. “My teacher complimented me today
Part of the EFT process is including a in front of the whole class.” About the Author:
“set-up phrase” such as “Even though ....the comparing negative behind it Gary Craig is a Stanford engineer
I have this [fear, anxiety, sadness, etc.], might be... intensely interested in the lifelong
pursuit of personal wellbeing. He
I’m still an awesome kid.” The formula “But sometimes she scolds children explored the potential of many
includes (1) acknowledging the fear or or ignores them and I am afraid that types of therapy, seeking those
unpleasant event and (2) affirmation will happen to me.” that produced results, leading him
that, even though the fear exists or the In this case, even though the tapping to develop EFT. He resides in
event occurred, the child is still a good, is done on the “good” statement, it is California.
accepted, and loved individual.You may also likely to reduce the fear involved in www.EmoFree.com
or may not find it convenient to use the comparing negative. Thus, applying
“I Am” Affirmations
For Self-Esteem
By Dr. Marilyn Powers & Steve Viglione
W
AFFIRMATION OF THE MONTH:
elcome to our new read-aloud column for
parents and kids based on The I AM! Affir- An affirmation is a statement of truth. What the I AM! af-
mation Book: Discovering The Value of Who You firmations do is affirm the truth about each of us--that we
Are. There are over 120,000 copies of The I are loving, intelligent, caring beings full of potential and worthy
AM! Affirmation Book in print; it has been gifted to children of love, respect, and appreciation. Whatever we choose to
in 30 countries and over 580,000 books in all have been say after the words “I am” affects our feelings, moods, and
gifted across the world. We believe that when people even how we experience the world. When we say posi-
discover their true value, they bring that value to their tive affirmations, these beliefs support us in feeling more
families, communities, and world. There are two ways we confident and capable at school, at home, wherever we
discover our value and self-worth. One is through the are.
thoughts we choose and what we believe about who we I Am!
are, and the other is from what our parents and teachers And I am made from Love,
communicate to us. Which also made the rainbow,
The flower, the sea, the Dove.
QUOTE OF THE MONTH:
I Am Loving!
One little girl read the book and said, “You mean I am im- In each and every way.
portant? The other kids make fun of me because I am poor. In fact it’s what I tell myself,
But now I can show them my I AM! book and tell them that I At the start of each new day.
matter too!”
Reading Right
ity in the brain that is time you can. Get books that are who are not. Reading aloud from a
dependent on foun- relevant to what’s happening in life; variety of books also exposes chil-
dational concepts such as these: books visitors coming, trips to the doctor, dren to more complex sentence
tell stories, books make sense, there the dentist, or the hospital, holidays, structure than is commonly heard in
is a right-side up and an upside-down places you might go on vacation. everyday language. Their brains will
to books, you always turn pages in the There is a direct link between how assimilate the complex structures
same direction, there is a proper time much your child values reading and naturally and without effort.
to turn the page, reading is fun, and how strong his or her intent is to ex-
stories tell about other people, places, periment and figure out the process CREATE AN EMOTIONAL TIE
and experiences. for himself. Toddlers who “experi- WITH YOUR CHILD
This important foundation is laid ment” by opening a book and turning When you read to your child,
by enjoying books with children from its pages “just like mommy or daddy” hold him in your lap with your arms
the time they are very young and are in the process of forming impor- around him and let him snuggle into
doing so often. In fact, having books tant foundational neural circuitry that your body. This creates warm, loving
around and talking about the value eventually will contribute to master- feelings in both of you and those feel-
of books, even if you yourself aren’t ing the complex process of reading. ings will be associated in your child’s
an excellent reader, motivates kids mind with books and the act of read-
to learn to read. Children develop a FAMILIARIZE CHILDREN ing. Associating reading with a warm
comfort with books, pretending they WITH “BOOK CONVENTIONS” and positive emotion helps lay a
can read, making up the story as they Children who are read to frequent- strong foundation for a love of books
go. ly learn all kinds of essential things that will translate to life-long learning.
Each child has to figure it out for about books: what the front is, how
herself, but all children can read when the back looks, how to turn a page, VERY YOUNG CHILDREN CAN FIGURE
they develop a concept of what read- and that the print on a page repre- OUT READING ALL BY THEMSELVES
ing is and when they have an environ- sents the same meaning being ex- Every year, thousands of children as
ment that allows them to experiment pressed by the reader. They begin to young as three, four, and five, surprise
over and over again until they “get figure out what a word is in print, and their parents by picking up favorite
it”—just like riding a bike! As con- they learn that, while not exactly the stories and reading them—really read-
scious parents, we need to acknowl- same, the language found in books is ing them-- with no formal instruction!
edge our own feelings about reading very similar to language in everyday Research shows that these children
and, if reading aloud is not something conversation. Frequent reading to had been read to often, had access
we’re passionate about, we can find your child will help familiarize him to information about the alphabet,
other people willing to share that with all of these book conventions, and had ready access to answers for
passion with our children. It is worth making it easier for her to figure out questions about books from parents
the effort! Why is reading out loud how to make sense out of reading. and others. You can create the same
so important? conditions at home to help your child
CREATE OPPORTUNITIES TO EXPOSE experiment and figure out the read-
INFLUENCE YOUR CHILD YOUR CHILD TO NEW INFORMATION ing process—and it all begins in those
TO VALUE READING You can broaden your child’s world special moments, snuggled up with
Everyone is familiar with the adage:
“Actions speak louder than words.”
by reading books on subjects that are
new to him. The joy you feel reading
your child reading a good book! I
As a parent, you are the most impor- books on topics that you’re passion- About the Author:
tant person in the life of your child. ate about will be evident to your Dee Tadlock, Ph.D. is the founder
The value you give to reading is the child, and both of you will share an of Read Right Systems. In her
value your child is likely to give it also. on-going special time as you give your book, Read Right! Coaching Your
Read to your child on a daily basis. If child a very precious gift: the love of Child to Excellence in Reading she
you enjoy reading to yourself more reading. explains how some children figure
than reading aloud, find someone else Reading aloud expands your child’s out the reading process with no
to read aloud to your child as you knowledge of the world; it will also apparent help.
convey how much you enjoy reading expand her knowledge of language. www.ReadRight.com
to yourself. Tell him you can hardly Children who are read to a lot have
North Star Family Matters | Nov/Dec 25
K
Brain Teasers
1. Which question is correct? “Is egg yolks
Games
you me
JUST
o2ne
Games
where this picture was taken? edition.
Do you have a brilliant brain
teaser, funny joke, tricky
picture, or quirky question
you’d like to submit?
E-mail us at:
games@
northstarfamilymatters.com
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send it to:
North Star Family Matters
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JOOJIRU™
Fill in the blanks below with the numbers 1-9 Counting by 3’s, place a number in each box
so that each number is used exactly once in so that each number is used only once in each
each row, column, and the nine 3 x 3 squares. row, column and the nine 3 x 3 boxes. The
numbers used are numbers from 3-27.