prayer is a natural and

normal means of
communicating our heartfelt
concerns, fears, joys, and
. desires to our Lord Jesus
Christ. One exciting aspect
of teaching children to pray is
to show them how God
answers prayer. As parents,
we must talk with our
children about our prayer
. requests and how God has
answered those prayers. We
must always give God credit
for everything that happenS
in our lives or the life of the
family. There are times that
God brings calamity (Isa.
45:5-7) for purposes that
only He knows or chooses to
reveal to us in due time.
Children need to know,
understand, and experience
this biblical principle and see
the parents modeling a
God-honoring response.
As our children grow older
and leave home, our
communication with them
must continue in a very
open, deliberate manner.
Regular conversations with
them either in person or on
the phone are necessary. If
we discover some area that
needs special attention,
certainly we must talk with
them in person--face to face.
One can better communicate
concern, sympathY; or joy
with facial expressions, voice
inflections, and tears of joy or
sadness in a private face to
face conversation. Under no
circumstances must we pry
into their private lives unless
sin and the breaking of God's
law are a factor. We use these
opportunities to help them
think through situations or
behaviors and to exhort them
to seek Gods will through
prayer and scripture reading.
By being a model
communicator with our
children from conception to
the grave, we have the
opportunity to influence
communication with
generations to come. We
must constantly exhort our
adult children not to simply
match our efforts to
communicate, but to improve
upon them with their
children. Naturally; we want
to influence the many
generations after us with the
biblical principles of
Reformed Christian doctrine.
Only through prayer and the
constant feeding upon Gods
Word combined with our
efforts to communicate can
we have this influence. n
"We are also thankful that
Bob's'wife, Annette, agreed to
contribute for the first time to
The Counsel. Not only has she
successfully raised her three ,
children by God's grace, but
also as a middle and high
school English teacher at
Chalcedon Christian School,
she continues to mold the
next generation for lifewide
usefulness in the kingdom of
Jesus Christ." -- Chris Strevel
That Saturday morning
twenty-seven years ago began
as any other until a telephone
conversation occurred which
changed my ideas about
communication forever. I
thought I knew all about
listening and sharing; after
all, I had a degree in the
teaching of English.
However, that Saturday
morning telephone call from
a third grade teacher and
friend who had come to visit
us upon the birth of our third
child revealed my
inadequacies. The afternoon
of her visit she made no
reference to her observations
but called on the foHowing
Saturday morning to tell me
gently that I needed to learn
to listen to my son, for when
he learned that she was a
third grade teacher he
became quiet, refUSing to
converse with her. "Annette,"
this teacher said, "You must
learn to listen closely; draw
him out, and discover what is
going on in his life."
As the mother of three
April!May, 1998 'i' THE COUNSEL of Chalcedon 'i' 27
young children, I could not
imagine devoting more time
to communicating. After all,
the day was a never-ending
succession of meals and
snacks, diaper changes,
grocery shopping, feeding
babies, car pooling,
. homework, baths, and the
constant vigilance required.
for young children.
Certainl}\ I had committed
myself to my role as a
mother. I talked with him
and listened to him. Had not
my heart been absolutely
overflo'wing with love when I
held him as an infant,
praising the Lord for his safe
delivery after the sadness of
losing our first in a
miscarriage? I knew all about
love and sacrifice, or so I
naively assumed. Wasn't I
ready to die for my son if
God required? How could
she know my son better than
I did?
I could not deny that this
telephone call that shattered
my confidence as a mother
was in the eternal plan of
God. Thus, I began from that
day to listen, ask questions,
Teflect, and pray. "For the
".Lord gives wisdom; from His
mouth come knowledge and
understanding. He stores up
sound wisdom for the upright;
He is a shield to those who walk
in integrity, guarding the paths
ofjustice, and He preserves the
way of His godly ones" (Prov.
2:6-8). I prayed specifically
for understanding of the
children God had given us
and the ability to draw out
their ideas. I realized I had
to studymy children to know
my children better than any
other human knew them so
that I could recognize
patterns of sin, insecurities,
and signs of distress in their
lives. Of course, I also
wanted to Imow about their
hurts, joys, goals,
accomplishments, and
dreams. My commitment
before God had to be that I
was doing this because I
wanted to honor God, not so
that I would appear
successful in the eyes of other
people. There had to be a
desire to communicate
effectively because God
commands us to nurture our
children. Only God could
give me the strength to
pursue communication with
the intensity it demanded.
Communication begins
with a sincere desire to know
our child in all of his or her
complexity. We calmot walk
into the child's room and
expect immediate interaction.
We must desire to examine
ourselves and say
wholeheartedly: 1 thrill to
the description of another
tree fort, the plays made in
baseball games, or the bicycle
:28 'i' THE COUNSEL ofChalcedon 'i' Aprll/May, 1998
trails through the woods?
Many parents claim theye
listen and may say; "I do all
this; 1 listen to my children. 1
hear their stories, but 1 would
rather be watching a ball
game, reading a book, talking
with friends, or watching a
movie. After all, when do I
have my time?" Vie must be
willing to be selfless to
provide the time for building
these relationships.
Why is it so important that
we engage in seemingly
trivial discussions with our
children? These exchanges
open the way for questions of
a more serious nature. Deep
communication about serious
issues occurs as we become
absorbed in listening to ideas
with the imagination to tum
these conversations into
moments of eternal
significance. As these
conversations unfolded in
our lives, 1 often sensed a
child's willingness to be
honest and forthright about
the most significant issues of
life. Even though 1
sometimes began a
conversation half-heartedly; 1
soon realized that God was
maturing us both.
How do we convince our
children that we are
listening? We look them in
the eye as they speak to us,
and we sit down and give
them our undivided
attention. We give them time
to share their generalizations,
imaginations, and
conversations about what is
~ e l e v n t to them before we
interrupt to preach our
sermon? We are not simply
waiting to give our ideas
instead of truly listening. I
am not referring here to the
times when a child needs
discipline for misbehavior. I
am rather suggesting that we
not be so quick to preach
that we fail to realize that this
child to whom we are
listening may be our best
friend in the years to come.
As our children see us listen
eagerly, they are more willing
to listen to us in the same
manner.
One of the benefits of
conscientious listening and
responding is the
opportunity to bring about a
change in our children's
reactions to the events in
their lives. As our teen-age
son bolted into the kitchen
one evening, he announced
that he was quitting his job.
Alarmed, my husband and I
began to question him. As
the events of the day poured
out, some of his frustration
eased away, and we were
successful in helping him
discover that what he had
interpreted as unfairness in
asSignment of duties was
really a vote of confidence for
his performance. Thus, he
was the one selected when a
new position needed to be
filled. How different this
eA-'perience would have been
if we had simply
reprimanded him for his
outburst, told him he should
not quit, or agreed with his
decision to quit. This
response would have taken
less time, but how much
richer we all were for
discussing and understanding
his frustration. Thus began a
continuing dialogue when
within the family a child
could share his strengths and
weaknesses without fear of
ridicule. He understood that
we were available to discuss
the frustrations of his day.
'By encouraging parents to
listen, really listen, to their
children, I am not suggesting
that we give them unlimited
freedom. In fact, I am
suggesting that families
spend much of their time
together. When we offered
one of our children the
opportunity to move from his
room into our vacated
apartment, he refused
because he wanted to be
close to the rest of the family.
He knew he would miss
some of our evening
conversations. My husband
and I knew we had
accomplished our goal. He
knew we wanted to hear his
ideas, and he wanted to share
what was on his mind as
well. He looked forward to
the ongoing dialogue that
was a part of our lives.
This one thing I
know--God knows the
desires of our hearts. "Delight
thyself also in Jehovah; and He
will give thee the desires of thy
heart" CPs. 37:4). As I
committed myself to
knowing my children as
individual personalities, I
gradually began experiencing
success. That telephone call,
though unwelcome at the
time, served to motivate me
so that communication with
our children [rom childhood
to adulthood, though often
challenging, was mostly a joy
and a delight. When my
children call me or come to
see me now, I drop
everything to focus on the
conversation. They lead busy
lives, and I want them to
know that my time with
them represents some of the
most treasured moments of
my life. I do not want to
miss a single one of these
special bleSSings from our
God who does all things well.
D.
AprillMay, 1998'i' IRE COUNSEL.of Chalcedon 'i' 29