Paranoid 3/10/2009

Lying in my bed, feeling somewhat feverish, I felt a compulsion to write. I have been feeling sick
more often than is usual of me, and I feel it is due possibly from a mold in the corner of my room. We
have had bad leaks a few months back, also causing water bills to be $100-$200 in just a months use.
This is not as irrational, however, as some of my other paranoias.
End of the world disaster anxiety haunts me at many moments. I have had a fear of a nuclear
explosion killing me since around 2001, and anytime I hear a soaring plane-esque sound I get nervous. I
couldnt say where this fear came from, even though I remember my father telling me he saw a vision of
Texas (where I was living at the time) being nuked in the mid-90s, I dont remember it bothering me at
the time.
This fear soon became mostly replaced with fear of an asteroid/comet doomsday, possibly
started by 2012. I remember around early 2008, my friend Brandale Elmore telling me about a near-
Earth asteroid called something like TU-24, and on the day of its expectancy I was very nervous. I
think these asteroids and comets are more scary to me than nukes because they can destroy more of
the world and are more out of control.
Once, while sitting in a cinema, I had a sudden worry of a plane crashing through the screen. At
other times, I worry the Earth will divide into fragments and scatter in outer space. While working at
Travis Meats, a female co-worker expressed her own worry about the Atom Smasher, and on that
specific date in October I thought I felt my bed vibrating, and I became alarmed.
Actually, the first paranoia I remember wasnt an end of the world type. When I was around the
age of 8, or 9, or 10, I stepped on a needle just outside my Fort Worth, Texas front lawn. Starting then,
and lasting a few years, I was afraid I had gotten AIDS. I remember in health class in 6
th
grade, reading
the symptoms of HIV/AIDS, and thinking I had most of them.
Outside of death, I have had a paranoia of people, I guess you could say social anxiety. I dont
like to approach groups, fearing being beaten-up or at the minimum, verbal ridicule. At one point in my
life, I couldnt feel comfortable walking into grocery stores or restaurants, in fact, sometimes even when
I wanted to buy something Id feel it not worth it to go in. When someone knocked at the door, I would
go to my bedroom and pretend to be asleep; I also ignored most phone calls. In mid-2004, end of my
junior year of high school in Harleton, TX, I was giving a ten minute speech (which at that time I was
comfortable with) and suddenly I had a panic attack. Since that, I cant read off a paper to a group of
people without it happening, which I tried as a senior, and was expected of me as recently as November
the 6
th
of 2008 while working at GC Services.
This is something that is hampering my life. With no health care and little money, Im left
unsure what to do at my present time.
-Greg dratsab Huffman