(Getting into her rollercoaster seat.

)
(Shes talking to her boyfriend.)
You and your obsession with rollercoasters.
Whats the name of this one? Oh, The
Terminatrix. How nice. Look, Derek, I
How do I buckle this thing? I got it.
Derek, I think Ive got enough adrenaline
and funnel cakes in my system, I can finally
tell you whats in my heart right now.
This might not be the best conversation
to have on the rollercoaster, but if what
I am about to say breaks your heart, you
can just claim that whatever tears might be
in your eyes are due to wind resistance.
(Leans back the rollercoaster begins going up.)
Oh here we go! So, what Im trying to say
What am I trying to say? Well, weve had a good
year. Almost a year.
(She leans forward and bounces up and down just a bit to show the bumpy beginning of the
roller coaster.)
Ten months and 22 days. Things
started out bumpy. Sort of like this ride.
And I thought we were headed in the same direction.
(Leans back again.)
But now it feels like weve been traveling on two
different tracks. What? Put my hands in the air?
Okay. (Raises hands in the air.)
But really, Derek, where are we headed?
I feel like Im ready to take the plunge off of the
Marriage Mountain Splash Ride. And Im not
afraid to get soaked with commitment. Youd
rather spend your time on the bumper cars.
Sure, its fun to bump around, but it gets
pretty meaningless after a while. So, thats why
I think oh my gosh, this is high up! Is it
supposed to be this high? Its safe, right?
Anyway, thats why Ive decided Here goes!
(The roller coaster drop begins!)
Im BREAKING UP WITH YOU!!!! AAAAAH!
I THINK WE SHOULD JUST BE FRIENDS!
AND SEE OTHER PEOPLE!!!!
Oh my gosh, oh my gosh!
(She leans to the left.)
So, what do you think?!
(She leans to the right.)
What are you doing? What is this?
(She accepts something from him.)
A ring? You want to marry me? Here comes
another one! Whoa, whoa, aaaaaaah!
Youre crazy, Derek! But - Yes!
ILL MARRY YOU!!!!
(She lurches to a sudden stop. Catches her breath.)
Lets do it again!
So mister Finnegan, do you think you could describe your kidnappers for me?
Small silvery critters with big, black, buggy eyes. I'll just get that down in my report - short people
in shiny outfits wearing large sunglasses.
What's that? No, they actually had big black buggy... I'm guessing maybe they drugged you, did
they?
Clamped a glass bubble over your head and zapped your brain with lamboona rays.
Yeah, well, things can often seem a little odd when we're under stress.
So where did they grab you?
Outside the Pig and Whistle, just gone midnight, Friday.
Suppose you'd had a few by then?
Stone cold sober!
You knew they were coming because your tooth filling started to pick up Radio Mars - gardener's
question time eh! discussing the merits of artificial fertilisers versus natural organic products.
Yes, I'm thinking the stuff that falls out the back end of a bull would come under that category.
(LAUGHING) Wouldn't have been a sort of big bright shimmering light in the sky would there...?
(SIGH) Oh, just a lucky guess.
You thought it was the police helicopter searchlight till the teleportation beam grabbed you.
So let me get this straight - while every man Jack and dog of the Metropolitan police force was
out scouring the countryside you were sat in a spaceship with a goldfish bowl on your head?
Hmmm.
Didn't happen to say why they chose you, did they mister Finnegan?
Oh, they wanted a perfect human specimen to conduct experiments on....ha ha... No, I don't
find it amusing at all.
What sort of experiments?
Yes, that does sound painful...like one of those three-pronged forks for toasting marshmallows. I
don't think we need go there mister Finnegan... yes, I know they went there, but....
What's that? then they lanced the abscess on your big toe and fixed the squint in your right eye -
it used to turn to the left.
Yes, I think they may have overdone it a tad...(WAVING HAND)...over here, I'm over here mister
Finnegan. That's it, just keep the good eye on me.
I suppose they stripped off your clothes off before conducting these experiments?
No Mister Finnigan! I'm not having pervy thoughts. It's just that it might go some way to explaining
the circumstances under which we found you.
Yes, that's right, perched on top of a telegraph pole stark-naked shouting 'beware the acid rain.'
And no, that traffic warden was not amused when you felt the urge to provide your own rain.
See I'm a little confused about a few things.
What with? Well, firstly there's this ransom note, seems a little low tech for anyone who can build
a spaceship.
Oh, they forced you to make it? Yeah, it's lucky for them you had a newspaper, scissors and a
glue stick on you when you left the pub.
Then there's this amount they demanded - a hundred and sixty seven pounds, twenty three
pence.
I see - they don't understand our money.
Just wondering where they were planning to spend it.
At Benny's off-license - Alco pops are illegal on Mars. They told you that, did they?
You overheard them talking while they were watching Graham Norton on TV.... that's where they
got the idea for that marshmallow fork....mmm.
And this drop off place for the cash - a Ladbroke's betting shop.
Your grandmother says they seemed very friendly for kidnappers. And there's this receipt they
gave her - looks very similar to a bookies I.O.U.
Oh, I see - they zapped her with that glass bubble thing. She was actually on the spaceship
being impregnated with an alien embryo.
What?... let me think - yeah, that would make it your uncle.
Now I don't doubt your sincerity mister Finnegan, but it does all seem a bit far fetched. You
wouldn't be on medication by any chance?
You ran out of tablets three days ago.
D'you happen know the name of your GP?
Doctor Strangelove, but he's been taken over by a trans-dimensional being.
Yeah, that's quite a mouthful - paranoid schizophrenia with delusional tendencies and psychotic
episodes.
So who looks after you mister Finnegan?
Your grandmother - she accompanies you to the clinic.
Maybe we should speak to her.
(PHONE RINGING)
Sorry about the interruption mister Finnegan. Would you mind if I took this call.
Yes, yes he's here...really...is it serious?
Ok, I'll get him over there right away.
Some bad news mister Finnegan - it's your grandmother.
Oh no, nothing like that! Seems she's barricaded herself in a changing room in Mothercare with a
goldfish bowl on her head clutching some silvery bug-eyed plastic toy - claims it's her baby.


Oh. My. God. A-? Mrs. Cleary, you have got to be kidding. Who the hell...gets...an A-? I'd rather
have a B+ for crying out loud. Do you expect me to receive this paper like a jolly old saint nick?
No! How can I show this to my mother? She'll have a heart attack! (pause) A-. I'll never get a
decent job. You-you-you ruined my life! You had this plot against me all along, didn't you? Didn't
you? You were jealous when the teachers wanted to hang around me for my intelligence and
not you. They told me that your were a selfish loner but I never listened to them. You were jealous
when Glenn Coco gave out candy canes to his favorite teachers and you got squat. He told me
you're weird and scary. You were jealous when Ms. Fordhorn won teacher of the year and she's
only been teaching for one year. She thinks you're a scrawny old lady who's got only one string of
life. Lady who has nothing left and needs to retire before you turn into dust. And don't get me
started about that-Mrs. Cleary stop interrupting me when I'm on rampage, it's very ru-no, stop
telling me that I have the wrong test! I don't want to hear about it! What I want to know is why do
I have an A-? I worked really hard...wait. Did you say I have to wrong test? Oh, yeah. It says 'Doris
Donnis' on the name line. Ohhhkay. And this is mines, with a grade of an A+. (pause; bowing
head) Your Grace, I can explain. You know how when people get mad they start saying things
that are NOT TRUE? Yeah well...I have to get to class.

(in tree) Ugg this tree is so twiggy, I mean whos ever heard of a twiggy tree? So unnatural! Ugg
oh well. ( whips out phone and dials a number) Hey im outside his house right now, he is soooo
hot! Oh and guess what? (beat/pause) im gonna break into his hou- (beat) oh sorry maam
wrong number! (ends call, and dials a different number) Oh hey. Im outside his house right now!
He is soooo hot! Oh and i had a great idea im going to break into his house when he lea- what?
(sigh) no no no, you dont need to bring your lock picking kit. I have a key! (beat) What do you
mean why do I have a key? Why dont youuu have a key?.... Just wait a second, i think i see him
(takes out binoculars) Oh i see him, (gasp) hes with his girlfriend and hes talking on the phone,
maybe its his mom telling him that hes too good for her and that he should dump her right
now!, oh never mind he just hung up. (GASP) The bird is leaving the nest, i repeat the bird is
leaving the nest! (beat) Sigh you take all the fun out of this spy stuff i mean hes coming out side.
Wait whats he doing. (gasp) HES COMING THIS WAY!!! (panicked) Quick i need a distraction! (
picks up keys) goodbye keys ( throws keys) (beat) Yes! I think i hit his girlfriend! (beat) Hes still
coming this way!! (beat) Uh oh...(falls out of tree) Ahhh!
(scrambles off the ground) Look natural, look natural Oh i have an idea,( takes marker out of
pocket) huh well what do you know, the fortune cookie was right, it is useful to keep makers in
you pocket.( draws mustache on finger, and puts finger under nose) There he is... Oh hey hows it
going (beat) why do i have a mustache, why dont youuu have a mustache? (beat) Why am i
outside your house? Why arent youuu outside your house? Oh yeah you are....(beat) Why am i
here? Well you see its just..... she wears short skirts and I wear t-shirts, She's cheer captain and-
yeah yeah yeah i know shes not, dont interrupt me im in the middle of a scene, and I'm on the
bleachers, ive Dreaming bout the day when youd wake up and realise That what you're
looking for has been here the whole time. Been here all along. So why can't you see You belong
with me.. why am i quoting Taylor Swift? I dont know! Why arent youuu quoting Taylor Swift?
(beat) What am i really doing here? Well, ummm, uhhh.... Why do you have to date her? shes so
out of your league, i mean look at her lying there all deformed, and now look at me(strikes
pose)..... oh that's your cousin, and shes staying with you, since her moms in the hospital?
Ohhhhh, well then, lets just pretend that this never happened, oh and while youre at it you
might wanna ignore all the anonymous texts ive been sending you anonymously about how she
lives under a bridge and shaves her back every day........ Ive gotta go see ya! (walks past cousin
on ground) Oh and by the way i am sooo sorry! i would never have thrown that key into your eye
if id known you were his cousin, buuut on the bright side when you go to the hospital maybe
youll get a room next to your mom! Bye. (walks away) Riiiiight (turns around) my house is this
way. ( walks off stage).

Description: You are picking up your boyfriend/girlfriend for your first date. You are sitting in the minivan in front of their house trying to
work up the courage to go up to the door, ring the bell and get the date started. Your nervous and scared and would love to just turn
around and go home. But then again your love is waiting only a short distance away

Well, here I am, (sits in car for a while) I guess I should go up to the door now. (Tries to get up but
seatbelt holds you down) oh right I forgot about the seatbelt (unbuckles seatbelt and goes out
car door) Here I go (starts walking forwards, turns around in alarm) OH NO I FORGOT TO PARK MY
CAR!!!! (Runs to car jumps dramatically inside and parks) Whew (wipes hand on forehead and
looks at hand in alarm seeing sweat) Oh crap Im all sweaty! Now hes going to think I dont
shower! Although today was the first time. Oh thats right my mom the scientist just invented a
new perfume! (Opens car door and takes out a bottle) Hmmmmm this doesnt look right, why is it
all green and IS THAT A TOAD!!!! Well I guess if my mom uses it, it should be okay. (Sprays all
over body then smells) wait what is this OH NO this is my moms pickled toad she was taking
home for an experiment! Hmm maybe if I jump in some snow it will wipe off the smell (looks
around back of car) Hey! Theres 4 feet of snow here that will cushion my fall! (Leaps behind car)
OOOUUUUUUCCCCCHHHHH there was a fire hydrant underneath that!!!!! Goes around the car
clutching side) well at least the smell came off and oddly enough Im totally dry... except for
oh no! Hes gonna think I wasnt potty trained (crosses legs and puts arms over the spot) But I
was at 14 months ago. Maybe if I just stand like this he wont notice (strikes weird pose with legs
crossed) I mean were gonna be sitting down the whole date right thats what he said on the
not. (Stares at piece of paper you just pulled out of pocket) WHAT! Oh crap were going to
Kiddy Fun Land! Oh man that place is scary!!!!! Its not the clowns, no thats just weird I mean
who on earth is afraid of clowns? No its those HORIZONTAL STRIPES ON THE TENTS!!!! I mean really
nobody wears horizontal stripes these days just look at me Im no (Looks down at shirt) Awww
man now it makes me look fat! (Ha-ha) but not as fat as that man the window with the beard.
Wait why is another man coming into the room, and why is the man with the beard wearing a t-
shirt that says # 1 mom? Ooooohhhhhh nnnnoooooo. If shes ugly and thats his mom, then why
isnt he ugly? Wait maybe it skips a generation. But then my grandchildren will be ugly!!!!!!! Ill just
have to break up with him, but I dont want to be mean. I know Ill tell him I have a rare disease
that makes it impossible for me to date people with red hair. But I cant lie I mean I dont lie, well
except for that one time I drowned my brothers goldfish and told him that aliens came down
and strangled the poor thing, but that was one time ONE TIME!!!! Well you know maybe Ill jus..
Wait the man woman is coming out of the house! Oh here Ill hide behind this bush jumps behind
bush and whispers to her/himself) Ill just stay here until he I mean she goes back insi. (Looks up)
Oh hello Maam (stands up and walks around bush) I am just the uh the um.. City bush
inspector (says to him/herself) yah yah thats believable. Now Maam I must say I am going to
have to give you and your bush a ticket. (Pause) Why? Well because I do not think that this is a
real bush, I think its a fake! I mean look at it all green and leafy and smelling like nature! So
unnatural! I will have to get your address for future bush complications (pulls out paper and pen)
now lets see its 1171.5!?!?!? Oh (glance at house next to it, and talks to self) oh well I was
supposed to be at 11713 Well you know Ill just be leaving right now, just give you and your
bush some alone time. (Walks towards car then turns around pointing at bush) But Im still not
buying that that is a bush! (Turns around and walks into car) Oops well that was embarrassing
(climb into car and checks watch) Well Im already an hour late might as well call it a night
(pretends to drive off)

THE END
Taryn: Oh Gosh. This is the worst day ever! I mean I guess nothing could be worse than finding
out that your boyfriend of 4 years is gay and leaving you for a man. Who wouldve thought that
this would happen to gorgeous Taryn? I wouldve rather been sat on by an elephant. I mean
come on now! How could this happen? I actually thought that I was in love. I thought that his big
news was going to be a proposal. How embarrassing! I had told all my family and friends that
Ricky was going to pop the question. 4 years I had gave my life to Ricky. Ill never get that back.
How could I not have known how close Ricky and Bobby were. I mean they even had their own
song! I thought it was weird but I figured they were just like brothers. Boy, my mom really got a
kick out of that! She use to always tease me about how Im never going to get married because
Im too stubborn. Just when I thought I was going to prove her wrong I find out that my man was
in love with a man! And just when I thought my day couldnt get any worse I found out that
Bobby not only stole my man but my house too! He just so happened to own the place Ricky
and I were living in and it was bye, bye Taryn. Dang, What an epic fail day! Well at least my
friend Morgan was nice enough to take me in! I must say she makes a much better husband
than Ricky wouldve been. Whos laughing now mom?

Yes, I am a fat man with a good sense of humor. You would have seen me being extra helpful
and cracking jokes in the gym and doing nothing else there. You would seen me allowing other
people to get in to the line at check out counters so that they listen to my jokes.You would have
seen me near the extra large size section of clothes in the mall. Yes I know you would deny this
saying that you have never gone to that section. But you would have definitely seen me trying to
entertain kids of single mothers. Now I don't love kids but the single mothers dote on their kids and
don't mind sharing a little of their love with the person whom their kid likes. I wish all women were
born as single mothers!! I am never found in clubs and always in Food Marts as the chance of
finding a single mother with kids is more in a mart than a club. Though I am fat by today's
standard but do you know that just till 20th century being overweight was the most happening
thing. Look at the black and white photos and you will see all are well fed and healthy. You
would have heard comments from your grandmother like"Poor Timmy Uncle was so thin, we were
afraid he would not live long". The same Timmy would have a hot granddaughter today with the
right size who would be acting in some commercials promoting some healthy product which
would prolong your life. Now if you don't find me funny then please understand that I am not
funny by birth but I became funny. I distinctly remember that I was about 8 years old and was
eating a huge or rather gigantic banana split and cracked some cream-over-banana kind of
joke and a girl burst out laughing. Looking back I think she laughed at sight of me eating the
sundae rather than the joke. Most people are more in to slapstick comedy any way, because
that it the only thing they can understand. From that incident I understood that if I am funny I can
have both the gigantic sundae and the girl. So from that time I just started watching comedies
and funny sitcoms and I think about 5000 hours of these can make even a paraplegic funny.
While watching TV I happened to dunk in to oceans of sodas, mountains of chips and god knows
how much other junk food. Before I could realize anything I could only see my feet in the
mirror.Looking down from my neck all I see is some undiscovered planet of the solar system. I
began to lose my remote if I sat on the sofa and the remote would smell stinky later. I was a little
sad about the condition in which I was but one day an opportunity came my way and I made
the most of it. A company trying to produce energy from renewable resources got inspired by a
Sci-Fi film and decided to use humans as a source of energy. Instead of connecting the pods to
the brain they found that inserting it in some other place gives a better shot at what they are
trying to achieve.They approached me to produce electricity from my farts, I was their first
human subject it seems. Of Course! I said yes!! When the tests were successful one me I told
them I know a lot of people who are like me and I can get them to you and all I want to be is a
business partner. And Ladies now I am a millionaire too and I work from home. If you want to
stay with me please just for your own sake leave me alone while I am working and we will have a
great life!