Disney Heroine Round Table or But I Digress

By Peter David
Notes on this selection:
First, no! that this is a high school "iece and so#e o$ the language #ay strie so#e
%udges as $unny and others as ina""ro"riate& It's a very clever "iece $or $our girls but you
have a %udg#ent call to #ae on language&
(ou can "er$or# this "iece as a RT but I thin it !ors best as a )) * though you'll have
to be %udicious in the costu#e area as t!o o$ the girls are !earing ris+u, out$its& Perha"s
!earing biini to" -./R so#ething !ould !or better0 /ither that or both girls #ight
!ear so#ething #erely suggestive but not authentic& Blocing is i#"ortant as this is a
"iece !here the hu#or co#es through in the lines rather than the #ove#ent, but you still
can't have the girls si#"ly sitting around the des * es"ecially as the rules only give you
t!o chairs $or a ))&
INTR-D12TI-N
34ll o$ the girl's begin by standing together at the $ront& )no! !ill start the "roceedings
!ith her usual girlish enthusias#5
)N-6: 6ell, this is all tre#endously e7citing& /very decade or so, the nice $ols at
Disney s"onsor a get8together !ith all the lead actresses o$ "ast ani#ated $eatures& This
gives us a chance to chat, e7change ti"s on ho! to clean house, sing to the birds and
i#"rove our relationshi"s !ith strange, little #en&
94):IN/: 3head in hand& )he !ill s"ea !ith a #iddle eastern accent5 4llah, give #e
strength&
)N-6: &&& and, over all, %ust get to no! each other as girls&
B/;;/: 3"ointedly5 6o#en&
)N-6: )ince I !as the $irst $ull8length Disney heroine, they generally as #e to
#oderate& 4nd I<d lie to !elco#e this year<s guests 8 Princess 9as#ine $ro# 4laddin &&&
94):IN/: Is this going to tae long0
)N-6: Belle $ro# Beauty and the Beast 8 and congratulations again on that Best Picture
no#ination&
B/;;/: Than you& 6e !ere robbed& 6e lost to Hannibal ;ector 8 a cannibal 8 no!,
!hat does that say about society and its "riorities0 In the !ords o$ )artre &&&
)N-6: 3#oving on5 4nd, o$ course, darling 4riel $ro# The ;ittle :er#aid&
4RI/;: 3e+ually enthusiastic and a!are o$ her "hysical char#s5 It<s e7citing to #eet you,
)no!&
)N-6: Than you&, 4riel& (ou're so s!eet, but uh#, you<re dri""ing on #y clean $loor&
4RI/;: -h& )orry&
)N-6: 6e 6/R/ going to be %oined by -livia Flaversha#, that "lucy little heroine
$ro# The =reat :ouse Detective& But !e had a bit o$ a #isha", because someone on the
"anel couldn<t control her rather large itty cat and suddenly !e !ere short a guest&
94):IN/: ;oo, I already said I !as sorry& I<# no ha""ier about it than anybody else& I$
the stu"id invitation had said there !ere going to be #ice running around, I !ouldn<t
have brought Ra%ah along in the $irst "lace& ->0 ;et<s #ove on& 3/veryone $ree?es !hile
)no! breas character then s"eas to the audience5
)N-6: Welcome to The Disney Heroine Round Table by Peter David
B/=IN
3Belle and %as#ine tae seats at the des !hile )no! stands to the right o$ it and 4riel
stands to the le$t5
)N-6: I #ust say, be$ore !e start, that I ad#it #y breath is a bit taen a!ay by the
changes in clothing styles $or Disney heroines& 4riel, !ith your uh# 8 shells 8 and !ith all
that sin hanging out: It see#s a tri$le 8 oh !hat<s the !ord0
B/;;/: 2hea"0
94):IN/: )lutty0
4RI/;: 6ho are you to tal 9as#ine0 6ith your little Hare# out$it, you #ight as !ell be
!earing a string biini@ 4nd you, Belle 8 that's big tal $ro# so#eone !hose idea o$ a
good ti#e is sitting around in an a"ron taling to shee"& Besides, you're all %ealous
because I Disney #ade #e the $irst character !ith u#, you no!
B/;;/: Hooters
94):IN/: :elons
B/;;/: Ta tas'
94):IN/: (abos
)N-6: ladies, "lease@ ;anguage@
B/;;/: 3"ointing5 6hy did she need to be dra!n lie that0 )he tals to $ish&
4RI/;: 3"ointing5 But they tal bac& It's not lie I'# cra?y&
)N-6: 4ctually, I !as going to say her out$it !as AdaringA rather than Aslutty&A But this
really brings us to our $irst "oint o$ discussion: Na#ely, !hat do you thin our role in
#ovies today should be0
94):IN/: I<ll tell you !hat it shouldn<t be& It shouldn<t be sitting around !aiting $or
so#eone to Atae you a!ay $ro# it all&A I #ean, co#e on& 2ould you see #e singing,
A)o#e day #y "rince !ill co#eA0 3$inger in throat5 4c ac ac&
)N-6: (ou don<t have to stic your $inger do!n your throat and gag, 9as#ine& It
ha""ens to be a lovely song& 4ll the ani#als thought so&
B/;;/: Don't any o$ you tal to hu#an beings0
94):IN/: 6ho are you to tal0 (ou did a "ola !ith a dancing bear and tal to candle
stics@
B/;;/: It !as a !alt? and he !as an enchanted beast@
)N-6: 3!arning5 ;adies&
4RI/;: 9as#ine<s right& ;i$e isn<t so#ething that ha""ens to you& ;i$e is !hat you make
ha""en& (ou have to tae control& That<s !hat I did&
)N-6: That's not +uite true dear& (ou did seduce a hu#an !ith your uh# 3gesturing
to!ard her shells5
4RI/;: ;ooing do!n5 )hells@ It's !hat !e !ear and you can't al!ays get the right si?e
)no!@ )o#e o$ us !eren't born to +ueens and get a $ancy !ardrobe&
94):IN/: 6ell, s"eaing $or #ysel$, I too control&
B/;;/: )o did I&
94):IN/: 3Turning to her5 -h, sure& Right&
B/;;/: I did@ Really@
4RI/;: )ure you did& First you !aled around to!n, looing do!n your nose and taling
about ho! ignorant all these hard8!oring villagers are and ho! there has to be #ore to
li$e than that.
B/;;/: But &&&
94):IN/: 4nd, !hile you said you !ant #ore out o$ li$e, you didn<t do anything to get
it&
B/;;/: (es, I did@ I gave u" #y liberty, sacri$icing $or #y $ather@ I "ro#ised I<d stay a
"risoner in the Beast<s castle, $orever@
4RI/;: 1h huh& 4nd ho! long !as it be$ore you !ent running out the $ront door saying,
APro#ise or no "ro#ise, I can<t stay here another #inute0A 6as it a !ee0 4 #onth0 4
year0
B/;;/: 1h# &&& !ell, actually &&& about three, $our hours&& But there are such things as
"ro#ises #ade under duress, and they<re not al!ays binding& Besides 8 ho! #any o$ you
have ever dealt !ith $urniture taling to you0@ That's %ust not nor#al&
94):IN/: 6ell there<s a !o#an o$ her !ord& )o#e heroine& )he gets scared by a
$lashlight&
B/;;/: It !as a candlestic@
4RI/;: 3hel"$ully5 I tal to crabs
)N-6: 3Pause !hile they all stare at her5 Than you $or sharing, 4riel& ;adies, I thin
!e<re getting o$$ the to"ic&
94):IN/: 3standing5 :e, I de$ied #y $ather& I had the guts to go against !hat he said
and run o$$&
4RI/;: (our $ather& Heh&
94):IN/: 6hat<s that su""osed to #ean0
4RI/;: 3=oes to table and leans over it as she s"eas5 (ou both have these roly8"oly,
cute, co#edy8relie$ $athers& :e, I<ve got the >ing o$ the )ea $or #ine& He can bench "ress
a blue !hale& I<# the only one !ith real guts here&
94):IN/: 3obviously disturbed by 4riel's assets5 Please, tae those things a!ay&
B/;;/: :ore guts than brains, that<s $or sure& 2utting deals !ith the )ea 6itch& There
!as a s#ooth #ove& -bviously, i$ you<d ever read anything by :arlo!e, you<d have
reali?ed the $oolishness o$ that&
)N-6: Belle, !ho are all these "eo"le you<re taling about0
B/;;/: 4uthors& Play!rights& Philoso"hers& 2rac o"en a boo once in a !hile )no! 8
and sto" s"ending your ti#e slee"ing !ith strange little #en, !hy don<t you0 (ou, too,
:iss Turish Delight& 4nd you too, Fishy&
4RI/;: 3indignantly5 I read boos& Hu#an boos&
B/;;/: -h, right& (ou can<t re#e#ber tough !ords lie A$eetA $ro# $li""er and you
don<t no! !hy $ire burns& I !onder ho! they #issed having you on 9eo"ardy0 -h, and
here<s a ne!s $lash $or you Bi#bo o$ the )ea: It<s a $or, ->0 4 $or& (ou eat $ood !ith a
$or& (ou don<t co#b your hair !ith it& 4ll right, /instein0
4RI/;: 6ho are you to tal0 (ou looed "retty co#$ortable strutting around in that big
yello! go!n at the end& I didn<t see you $ighting $or the "easants then&
B/;;/: In the !ords o$ >arl :ar7 8
4RI/;: -h, ;ord, here she goes again&
)N-6: 4ctually, this "resents us !ith a to"ic that #ight not cause such bicering:
Na#ely, !hat do you loo $or in a "rince0
4RI/;: 6ell, $or #e, it !as love at $irst sight& I !atched hi# dancing, and taling, and &&&
I %ust ne!&
94):IN/: AI %ust ne!& I %ust ne!&A 4 guy $lashes a s#ile and a royal title at you, and
you get #ushy& ;ove at $irst sight is a convenient e7cuse not to thin&
)N-6: )o#e o$ us, 9as#ine, are $ortunate enough to #eet our "rince and be dra!n to
hi# i##ediately& -thers o$ us turn "rinces into itty treats $or our tigers&
94):IN/: Some o$ us, )no!, "re$er thining& 4riel, your "rince !as heroic, but about as
thic as a bric&
4RI/;: 6hy, you &&&
94):IN/: 4nd as $or you, )no!, you never so #uch as spoke to the guy& Ho! could you
"ossibly have no!n he !as the #an $or you0 6hen you #et hi# you !eren't drun out
o$ your #ind you !ere D/4D 4) 4 D--R>N-B@ 4nd !hat's the $irst thing you did
!hen you !al u"0 (ou issed hi# and #arried hi# on the s"ot& Ho! easy are you0@
B/;;/: (ou #arried a !eirdo that isses dead girls0@
)N-6: It !as in his iss and I 64) );//PIN= * N-T D/4D@ I loved hi# $ro# the
$irst iss&
94):IN/: Fro# %ust a iss0 He #ust be so#e isser& 3Pause5 Did he sli" you any &&&
)N-6: 3"ointing at her5 D-N'T /./N THIN> 4B-1T IT@
B/;;/: (ou<re really "athetic, )no!, you no! that0 Not that I can stand 4riel or
9as#ine, but /ric de$eated 1rsula, and 4riel !ent o$$ !ith hi#& 4laddin de$eated 9a$ar,
and 9as#ine #arried 4laddin& But the d!arves &&&
)N-6: D!ar$s&
B/;;/: 6hatever& &&& rised their lives $or you 8 they adored you 8 and then so#e %er
"rince co#es along, gives you three seconds o$ li"loc, and you dro" the d!arves &&&
)N-6: D!ar$s&
B/;;/: 6hatever@ &&& and go riding o$$ !ith hi#& Ho! ungrate$ul can you be0 6hat do
you thin li$e beca#e $or that little retarded guy !hen you rode o$ into the sunset0
)N-6: 3)ni$$5 That's not $air@ 3Pause and then bursts out5 4nd Do"ey is not retarded@
4RI/;: -h, great& No! you #ade her cry&
94):IN/: )he<s a big girl& )he can tae it&
4RI/;: That<s about the ind o$ sy#"athy I<d e7"ect $ro# so#eone !ho !als around in
a tight, little night go!n all day&
94):IN/: Fish Face&
4RI/;: Balava Breath&
B/;;/: 4h, the u""er class, dis"laying their ty"ical 8
4RI/; 4ND )N-6: )hut u"@
94):IN/: I<# !arning you, B/;;/: Ra%ah<s still hungry&
B/;;/: Poor s"oiled "rincess, %ust lie all the others& Boo8hoo&
94):IN/: That<s it& Ra%ah@ >ill@
B/;;/: 3=ets u" and runs behind 4riel and "uts her ar#s on her !aist to steer her
to!ards Ra%ah5 /eeeee@@
4RI/;: Hey@ 6atch !here you're grabbing@
B/;;/: ;et #e out@ ;et #e out@
94):IN/: Tight little night go!n, huh0
)N-6: 3To audience5 I don't understand, these discussion grou"s used to be $un& :e and
2indy, !e<d sit and chat $or hours& )ure, )lee"ing Beauty !ould ee" do?ing o$$ but she
!as never #uch bother&
B/;;/: )hut u"@ >noc o$$ that high8"itched little8girl voice@ It<s #aing #e nuts@
)N-6: 6ell, I ho"e you<ll all %oin us $or our ne7t discussion grou" 8
94):IN/: >ill Ra%ah ill@ and do not s"are the in$idel !ith the 8 you no! 8 things on
her 8 you no! 8 things
4RI/;: Their shells and they ha""en to cover beauti$ul 8
)N-6: 3cutting the# o$$5 It<s going to be called, A;i$e<s a !ench, and so a# I&A
Partici"ants !ill be ;ady $ro# Lady and the Tramp, Perdita $ro# 101 Dalmatians, and
=eorgette $ro# liver and !ompany. I<# sure the $ur !ill R/4;;( $ly& Thans $or
co#ing& 4nd re#e#ber: Hi ho, hi ho&
94):IN/: There !ill be lot $e!er hos in here !hen Ra%ah is through !ith you@
)N-6: The end@