Coping with difficult participants in a training

1. Dealing with difficult participants

We all know those people (participants) who make life sometimes unbearable. It could be a
participant who speaks too much or too long, a participants who criticizes ever step or a
participant who alwas seems to agree.
Irritation could be ou reaction, or withdrawal, or a counterattack. !lthough ou will continue to
find difficult persons from time to time, it is possible to learn to cope with such persons. "ore
specificall, to learn to cope with such a behavior, without falling back in own strong emotions
such as aggression or worries.
!lthough the material described hereunder can be used in all situations, we would like to focus
here on training situations, and more specificall situations in which ou as a trainer#moderator
have the responsibilit to lead a discussion to a success. $he te%t discusses the topic from two
perspectives&
' an interactive perspective, describing effective interactions and behavioral stles in relation
to the difficult person.
' !n attitudinal'emotional perspective, describing was how to cope with possible own
strong emotions.
2. An interaction-model, the Rose of Leary
2.1. The Rose of Leary
$he (ose of )ear (*+,-,.) is a model often used in communication'training. It intends to make
people aware of (e%treme) stles of communication and behavior of others, and was of coping
with these stles.
$he model describes two dimensions of interactions&
Dominance versus Submissive behavior (Upper Under Position)
$his dimension describes the e%tent of leading and active behavior versus adaptive, receptive
behavior. $he e%tent of dominance is an important variable in human interactions. /eople who
behave too dominant create irritation, too submissive behavior could result in irritation or
aggression as well.
Cooperative versus Task Orientation (Together Against)
$his dimension is related to a more cooperative, human approach, versus a more business'like,
cool and factual approach. ! too much of the cooperative approach might lead to fear of loosing
personal independence, a too much of business'like approach might lead to critical and cnical
discussions.
If we describe these two dimensions in a 0uadrant, we can deter four categories of (e%treme)
behavior&
*
pper!Acti"e
D#$%&A&T C#&TR#L
Against!Tas'
(ATR%ARC)
*&T*RTA%&*R
Together!Relation
&# +A,*R, C#$(LA%&, ,*+ +A,*R, #-*D%*&T
nder!(assi"e
/articipants in a training group might behave as follows&
pper-Against behavior, the person dictates, governs, controls in a dominant and aggressive wa,
not taking into account feelings of group'members.
$he long'speaking participants, who reacts aggressivel to alternative opinions, is an e%ample.
$he person (non'verball) transmits the message& W1 23 I$ I4 $5I6 W!7, 43$ 2I881(14$,
23 43$ 934$(!2I9$ "7 3/I4I34.
pper-Together behavior, the participant wishes the best for fellow participants but in his,
authoritarian wa, under his conditions. :oth the 8!"I)7'/!$(I!(95 and the
14$1($!I41( are metaphors for this behavior.
$he person uses as a basic assumption& I W!4$ $51 :16$ 83( 73;, :;$ I4 (1$;(4,
73; 5!<1 $3 3:17 "1.
nder-Together behavior, a cooperative, kind team'plaer, willing to follow the rule.
$he person intends to sa& $1)) "1 W5!$ I 5!<1 $3 23, !42 I WI)) 83))3W..
nder-Against behavior, analzing, risk'avoiding, detail'oriented, using often the sentence.
es.:;$. $5I6 I6 ! =332 /)!4 :;$...(! /366I:)1 9!$!6$(3/51 83))3W6).
$his behavior is often considered as complaining behavior and causes irritation and anger.
2.2. The tendency to complementary .eha"ior
$he general human tendenc is to react complementar to the above mentioned behaviors. 6o
dominant behavior triggers submissive behavior and the other wa around. $he tendenc is as
well, to react with cooperative behavior to cooperative behavior and to react with against
behavior to against behavior. $he complainer gets a sarcastic response and is in this wa
confirmed in his miser.
>
!nd, a good intended, social, but authoritarian reaction is often followed b es, I agree
behavior. In all these situations, we react more or less spontaneous, as we feel is the best.
5owever, in the same time, the obstacle is that we are not able to choose our response. We seem
to react as an automatic response, we are caught in interaction patterns and sooner or later, this
creates tension.
: becoming aware of this tension, we start to realize we are communicating in a pattern where
power plas a (too strong) role, or we e%perience regular sarcastical or totall agreeing behavior.
$his is shown especiall in non'verbal behavior, dominant behavior, for instance, is seen in strong
e%pressions and a high speed of talking, and is often triggering an analzing or accepting wa of
speaking and reacting.
:ased on this model and these e%amples, we can conclude that difficult behavior is alwas part
of an interaction pattern. In interaction, difficult behavior often intensifies. !nd, different people
e%perience different behaviors as difficult.
$he challenge, for trainers is, to prevent from developing these kind of interaction patterns, and to
behave constructive'opposite, see chapter >.?.
2./. Causes of, reasons for 0difficult1 .eha"ior
/eople in general, and course participants in specific, do not behave difficult intentionall.
/articipants are not behaving aggressivel, obedient or silent b purpose. "oreover, the onl
behave in e%treme was, related to unfavorable circumstantial factors. /articipants often behave
on the basis of (unconscious) assumptions and circumstances such as&
' What is m status& for instance, the status as e%perienced b a 9ourt of !ppeal @udge
versus a oung starting first level court @udge.
' 5ow open, and controlling should I behave. =roup 6tage& depending on the level of group'
development (see documents, 6. (oenhorst, chapter , A B), participants tr to find out to
which e%tent the should control the discussions, and how open and free the can behave.
' /ersonal temperament, the tendenc to behave in a specific manner, based on personal
histor and character.
' Interactive'component, see above.
8ocusing on the rose of )ear again, we can assume the following thinking patterns in the four
behaviors&
The aggressor, intends to control the situation, and his concern is that he can not influence the
situation. /ower is his focus and this can be shown in impressive, forcing behavior. $he basic
thought is& 63"1 341 41126 $3 934$(3) (!42 I !" $51 :16$ I4 $5I6).
The 2amily patriarch, is concerned about not receiving enough attention. 5is focus is on being
in the limelight, attention means that he is doing and feeling well.
The complainer, is concerned to make mistakes. /(3:)1"6 ";6$ :1 63)<12
/1(819$)7, 3$51(WI61 I$ I6 :1$$1( $3 !<3I2 "!CI4= 219I6I346.
The follower, is concerned about acceptance b others#group members, and will do everthing to
agree with members#trainers, in order not to be isolated.
: developing understanding, b empathizing with the participant, the trainer can better
understand, and at the same time, take distance of the e%treme behavior of the participant.
D
2.3. The preferred reactions, positi"e counter-.alancing
/ositive, counter balancing interventions are&
In relation to the dictator 4
Dominant, .ut cooperati"e .eha"ior. )isten active, show understanding, be clear and to the
point, emphasize the cooperation. In case of cring, take distance, and add that ou want to
communicate but not in this wa.
4on'verball& ee'contact, strong and clear voice, show force in a positi"e and structuring wa
of working. /revent from being passive or slow.
In relation to the entertainer!patriarch
Dominant, asserti"e. !ctive behavior, enthusiast, give other possibilit to speak.
4on'verball& clear and friendl, show e0ualit. :e clear and friendl when the other tries to
arrange things. /revent from being neutral, unmotivated or to agreeing.
In relation to the Analyser!Complainer
&eutral, structured style. 9ommunicate step b step, logical and relate new ideaEs to e%isting
schemaEs.
4on'verball& accept the worries, build up trust b careful listening. /revent from sarcastical or
active dominant behavior.
In relation to the 2ollower!,es sayer
Accepting style4 :e informal, emphasize the importance of his opinion and integrit, and be clear
in our goals.
4on'verbal& listening, friendl, pauses in speaking. /revent from dominant behavior or steering
this participant.
It is clear that especiall the (non'verbal) tempo, in which ou positivel'counter'balance the
other is essential. 6pecialists speak here about "!$95I4=, "!$95I4= is the skill in which
ou behave verball and non'verball on the same wave'length as our partner, which gives the
other the feeling that he is understood.
"atching is an essential part of empath. 7ou can check if our match was successful in our
partner, when he behaves in a less e%treme wa than before&
' ! aggressi"e participant starts to behave activel'controlling
' A (atriarch behaves strong and social with respect for others
' A Complainer behaves constructive and analtical
' ! ,es sayer behaves open, sociable and e%presses his opinion

?
2.5. The mental preparation of the trainer
$o summaries, the trainer intends to choose new behavior, hence, positive'counter balancing in
stead of complementar behavior. $o be able to choose, to decide how to behave, the following
preparation is needed&
' awareness of the own, preferred (complementar) behavior (>.>.)
' awareness of the causes, especiall concerns of the e%treme behavior of others (>.D.)
' intention& keep and develop a constructive relation with our participants
' reflection on the preferred counter'balancing stle (>.?.)
' action#intervention, !ctive listening, "atching and !ssertive :ehavior.
2uring the training in this method, the trainer will spend considerable time to e%ercise each of
these steps. In realit, in a training'group, the professional trainer goes through these stages in
several seconds and chooses constantl his stle and behavior, in relation to the inter'action
with participants.
It is important to conclude that the (ose of )ear is one of the methods to be used in the
discussions on the stle and roles of a trainer#facilitator. 3ther decisions to be made, b a
trainer#facilitator are described in the previous chapters. $his model focuses mainl on dealing
with difficult participant'behaviors during training situations.
,
/. The attitude and emotions of the trainer, the cogniti"e-.eha"ioral
model and R*T
Oricine poate deveni furios e simpu! Dar sa te infurii pe cine trebuie" cit trebuie" pentru ceea ce
trebuie si cum trebuie nu este deoc usor!
A#$STOT%&" %thica nicomahica
/.1. %ntroduction
$he wisdom of !ristotle, and the philosophies of the 6toicines form the basis of the 9ognitive
:ehavioural /scholog, worked out b "r. !lbert 1llis. 5e concretised this approach in the
(ational 1motive $herap ((1$), and later into methods for training, counselling and other
methods for professionals.
$he essence of the method is that, not so much the practical situations disturb people emotionall,
but the thoughts and beliefs about this situation. 9onse0uentl, people are able to influence their
strong emotions, b thinking in a rational wa.
$hinking in a rational wa makes emotions more moderate, adapted to the situation, and giving
people the opportunit to act accordingl.
6ome situations that a trainer might face are mentioned here, e%pressed as a (irrational) thought&
- I sometimes became furious, when a person appeared too late in the training, the must
respect m program, m anger raises while waiting for him,
- I feel that I will get blocked during m presentation due to fear that I will not be perfect, for
this reason, I avoid speaking for a group,
- I can not interrupt a talkative participant, he will feel ashamed and that is terrible
$hese and other similar e%amples are human, and each trainer will face some of them. 5owever,
the (1$ predicts, that trainers using these beliefs are prone to strong and dsfunctional
emotions such as furiousit, fear#panic, depression, @ealous, etc. 1motions are labelled as
dsfunctional when the are ver strong and prevent people from reaching their goals.
B
/.2. $+Tur.ation
/eople, trainers, e%perience strong emotions, when the possess strong and dogmatic assumptions
and beliefs. !lbert 1llis considers the following ";6$6 as crucial&
*. 2emandingness, high e%pectations to the self, perfectionism, and self'@udgment. $hese
beliefs result in strong feelings of fear, depression, shame and guilt.
I ";6$ :1 /1(819$ (!42 I8 43$, $5!4..)
>. 5igh e%pectations to others, blaming others. $hese beliefs lead to feelings of anger,
aggression, or being hurt
3$51(6 ";6$ :15!<1 !6 I W!4$ $51" $3 :15!<1 (!42 I8 43$, $5!4.)
D. 5igh e%pectations to the life in general, e%pectations of a pink life, or e%pectations not
being able to cope with difficulties. $hese beliefs lead to e%treme fears, avoiding difficult
situations, etc.
)I81 ";6$ :1 1!67'=3I4=, !42 I8 43$, $5!4 I 9!4 43$ 6$!42 I$
6pecial characteristics of these kinds of thoughts such as the demandingness, the negative (self)
@udgment and the absolute character of these beliefs make them strong provokers of emotions.
In relation to these ";6$s, several constructive and destructive emotions can be described&
Destructi"e emotions Constructi"e emotions
' 8uriousit Irritation#anger
' 2epression 6adness
' =uilt#shame (egret
' !n%iet#strong fear 4ervous
/eople, trainers, who have strong ";6$ beliefs about their training, their participants, their own
performance, etc., will be more prone to strong emotions, and can be less effective as a trainer.
$rainers, that have more fle%ible, balanced, tolerating and realit'based beliefs, will e%perience
constructive emotions. $hese emotions will help them in intervening more ade0uatel. 8or
instance, irritation can help to confront participants in a straight and timel wa. (egret can lead
to constructive self'reflection, and a choice of a new follow'up approach.
It should be concluded again, that it is not so much the situation (difficult participant, failure of a
method, hesitance in a presentation, etc.) that trigger destructive feelings, but much more the
irrational thoughts and beliefs about this situation.
$he method described in the ne%t paragraph, is aimed at challenging these irrational ideaEs, to be
able to be less prone to strong emotions and be able to handle more effectivel.
-
/./. The A-C scheme and 6 steps method
$he (1$ uses a concrete scheme, that proves to be helpful in analzing irrational thoughts and
finding new was of thinking. $he following concepts are used&
' !& activating event, situation
' :& belief,
' 9& conse0uences, emotional and behavioral conse0uences
-4 -eliefs
A4 Acti"ating *"ent C4 -eha"ioral and emotional conse7uences
! possible e%ample of a $rainer follows&
'! Desribe the A" activating event
! trainer has a participant who talks a lot, overrules the trainer and asks difficult 0uestions
(! Describe the C" emotiona and behaviora conse)uences
$he trainer realizes he feels strong anger, and other moments, he feels scared, and does not reall
react. 5e withdraws, and does not reall discuss with the participant.
*! Describe the +" beiefs
$he trainer reflects on his thoughts, and realizes the ! provoke some of the following irrational
thoughts&
- the participant wants to show he is better than me, control me, I can not accept this, he
";6$ behave more respectful, it makes me furious.
- 5e asks difficult 0uestions, it is terrible when I do not know all answers, in that case
IEm a bad trainer, this makes me feel an%ious.
,! -ormuate the preferred feeing" preferred C" emotiona and behaviora conse)uences
$he trainer prefers to sta more calm, to be able to react firm and self'confident.
.! Debate the irrationa beiefs
$he trainer starts to criticall analze his irrational beliefs&
- $he participant wants to show he is better than me, control me, I can not accept this,he
";6$ behave more respectful, it makes me furious. Does he rea/ 0ant to discredit me1
Can $ ive 0ith participants 0ho think the/ are better than me1 $s it reaistica to e2pect a
participants behave respectfu1
- 5e asks difficult 0uestions, it is terrible when I do not know all answers, in that case
IEm a bad trainer, this makes me feel an%ious. Do $ need to be perfect1 Does a trainer need
to kno0 a ans0ers1 $f $ do not kno0 the ans0er" 0hat is the 0orst thing that coud
happen1 $s it hepfu to fee such a big an2iet/1
F
3! #epace the irrationa thoughts b/ more rationa thoughts
- $he trainer realizes that he can wish participants behave according to his standards but
that not all participants will alwas do so. "oreover, he realizes that interrupting is not
meant at discrediting his e%pertise.
- $he trainer realizes that it is not pleasant to be not able to answer, but that this is
human. !nd when not knowing the answer, staing calm, thinking, etc. is preferable to
developing strong an%iet.
4! Test the resut in imagination
$he trainer imagines himself again in the group, with the difficult participant,
overruling and asking 0uestions. 5e keeps the new rational ideaEs in mind, when
imagining the situation. !lthough he feels his fear and anger coming up, he is better able to
control it, and not be overwhelmed b it.
5! Test in practice
$he trainer meets with the training group in realit. 5e keeps the rational ideaEs in mind
and is able to start effective communication with the participant. When he does not know
the answer, he admits and informs that he will search for it.
/.3. sing the A-C $odel and the 6 steps
$he above mentioned e%ample is used to illustrate how $rainers can work out their own case. In
$raining of trainers, the !:9 "odel and the F steps method are used in paired interviews. 6o one
person challenges the person who brings in his cases. $ogether, the persons go through the F
steps.
$he ultimate ob@ective is this e%ercise if, of course, to support the trainer in developing a more
effective stle in dealing with difficult training situations.
+