The Stony Brook Press

SH Writer’s Conference: The Beach SB
Makes Writers Like Each Other Combats

Malaria
By Rebecca Kleinhaut campus of Southampton College, which Professor Rosenblatt described the
___________ boasts sprawling motel-style dormitories Conference as a rarity, because, appar-
and a five-minute drive to the beach. ently, “writers like one another [at the
Creative writing is not exactly one of Former Wr i t e r’s Conference student Conference].” Although Roger enjoys
Stony Brook’s strong suits. Luckily, Natalie Bridgeman stated that one of her the “singing and dancing” that takes By James Laudano
Stony Brook’s purchase of Southampton favorite parts of the Conference was place at the local bars after each reading, ___________
College has also led to the school’s aff i l- being able to write on the beautiful and he stated that his favorite part of the
iation with one of the most widely sprawling campus. Morning workshops Conference is conducting the workshops, On Wednesday, April 18th, the org a n i-
respected writing programs in the nation. and afternoon lectures provided students something that he was not able to do last zation AIDemocracy held a basketball
Last year, Southampton year when it was held at tournament to raise money to help prevent
College’s Writer’s Conference Stony Brook’s campus. malaria in Africa. Co-sponsoring the event
was held in the Wang Center Rosenblatt, who teaches a were the Stony Brook branches of The
here at Stony Brook, and it only workshop on the literary MSA and The Hillel Foundation for
included a limited number of e s s a y, shared a story Jewish Campus Life, with both org a n i z a-
readings and lectures. T h i s about a nun who took the tions paying for much of the event.
year, the Conference returns to course a few years ago. The tournament aimed to raise money
its proper form, boasting an He stated that at first she to purchase the large bed nets that are
impressive group of writers was afraid to “break out instrumental in preventing the disease and
from across a broad list of gen- of the cloister,” but even- allowing children to sleep safely each
res teaching workshops and tually he was able to night. Malaria, one of the world’s most
helping students with their coerce her to put some of destructive illnesses, kills over 3,000 chil-
craft. From July 18 through 29, her repressed emotions dren everyday and over 1,000,000 each
established and aspiring writers down on the page. He year.
will gather at Stony Brook’s stated that although it is The tournament was between eight
newly acquired campus of impossible to become a teams of three players, with each player
Southampton College to partic- much better writer in the donating five dollars. Water was also sold
ipate in the newly revitalized SBU time that is allotted to the to add to the money raised, and Hillel was
Conference. Conference, he enjoys generous enough to purchase a few platters
With Long Island University’s closing with plenty of time to explore the shops watching his students write about “some- of free sushi for players to enjoy between
of the campus in June of 2005, it was and beaches of Southampton, as well as thing that [they] don’t want to touch.” games. The Bill and Melinda Gates
unclear as to whether or not the spend time writing “without the kids.” Applications are still being accepted Foundation, an organization that is among
Conference, which has become a staple She also enjoyed the “round table envi- for the Conference, and will be until May the world leaders in monetary aid to
out on the East End and a stop for many ronment” of the two-hour workshops. 15th. Information concerning all applica- Africa, pledged to match the funds raised
noteworthy writers, would live on with- Natalie especially enjoyed her work- tions and tuition is available at the by the tournament, which would eff e c t i v e-
out a campus. Luckily, many past partic- shops with Bharati Mukherjee, winner of C o n f e r e n c e ’s website, ly double the event’s accomplishments.
ipants, including Pulitzer Prize winner the National Book Critics Circle Award. www.sunysb.edu/writers. Auditors are The tournament was played in standard,
Frank McCourt, have decided to return to Mukherjee will be returning to this year’s welcome, as well. two-loss elimination style. The teams,
the campus despite its change in aff i l i a- Conference, as well. The Writer’s Conference boasts an while remaining competitive, all seemed
tion. Workshop faculty member Roger impressive faculty, a beautiful campus, to enjoy themselves. There were neither
This year’s Conference boasts an Rosenblatt, former Time Magazine and a non-intimidating environment for a rguments nor hostility throughout the
impressive faculty, including a workshop reporter, author of the novels Lapham all up-and-coming writers. However, if whole evening. One could sense that since
in poetry writing with Billy Collins, for- Rising, and the Robert F. Kennedy Book that is still not enough, Professor the tournament was for charity, the players
mer United States Poet Laureate, short Prize winner Children of Wa r, teaches in Rosenblatt stated that he is looking to were a lot more casual and genial than may
fiction with Melissa Bank, author of The the MFA program at Stony Brook win the “Dirtiest Reading Award,” the have been the case otherwise.
Girls’ Guide to Hunting and Fishing, and Southampton and was a founding mem- unofficial award that is given to the lec- When all the games had been played,
a playwrighting workshop with Marsha ber of the College’s writing program turer who utilizes the most curse words the team named “Shahid” won the tourna-
Norman, author of Drama Desk winner back in 1995. This upcoming Conference during a reading. Interestingly enough, ment, and congratulations and hand shakes
‘Night Mother, among others. Authors will be the sixth one in which he has par- last year’s top slot was awarded to were exchanged between all involved.
David Rakofff, Amy Tan, and Jules ticipated, but he believes that the Bahrati Mukherjee. Professor Rosenblatt After the tournament and between rounds
F e i ffer will conduct readings as well. Conference has been around for more promised that he would be victorious this during, players, spectators and the event’s
In the past, participants stayed on the than twenty years. year, simply stating, “I’m gonna win it.” organizers held informal pickup games
with each other. The sense of community
If You are Thinking of Reading This

and pride of standing up for a charitable
cause were apparent from the opening cer-
emonies until the last person had left the
Article
courts.
When the tournament was over, it raised
enough money for 34 bed nets, and with
The Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation’s
By David K. Ginn contribution, 68 total nets were sent to
___________ families in Africa. The event demonstrated
how different groups can work together for
Don’t. the bettering of humanity, and hopefully
this will not be the last time that Stony
Brook University takes to the courts to
sink a few baskets in the name of world
health.
www.thestonybrookpress.com
2
A Call to Action: SBU’s USA Today Executive
Interfaith Darfur Panel Editor Visits Stony Brook
By James Laudano keying on certain Jewish faith founda- By Michael Kelly content itself,” said Wilson. He said that
___________ tions that center around helping fellow ___________ the newspaper was no longer the “one-stop
human beings. shop” for all things news.
The genocide in the Darfur region of The Muslim speaker, Muhsin Kinsey Wilson, Executive Editor of Wilson also commented on the problem
Sudan has become somewhat of a Alidina of the Imam Al-Khoei Islamic USA Today, spoke at Stony Brook on April posed by needing to put news on the
mainstream topic in the United States C e n t e r, presented a geopolitical view- 24 about what he feels is the need for Internet- the difficulty in being able to
over the past year. The devastation has point of the crisis. He used certain reli- newspapers to “reinvent themselves” in make money in such a venture. Internet
claimed over 200,000 lives and left gious writings and practices to empha- the wake of a changing media world, due news information is nearly all free, with
nearly three million others homeless size the importance of ending the to Internet technology. money coming solely from advertisements
since 2003. One of the reasons why the killings. Both speakers acknowledged Wilson, described as being “one of the on sites.
killing has continued up to the present, that not enough was being done by leaders in the country” in mixing newspa-
per and web outlets by Howard Schneider,
with no end in site, is the apathy and either faith to make any serious
Founding Dean of the School of
Wilson did say that a news
lack of action taken by the internation- progress.
al community outside of Africa. It was Joining them was Rikki Gunton, a Journalism at Stony Brook, showed an outlet with a “small niche”
Internet video at the beginning of his
with this realization in mind that the sophomore at NYU and co-president of
speech in an attempt to show how the could charge for their
Stony Brook Interfaith Organization, in the New York chapter of STA N D
conjunction with A I D e m o c r a c y, org a n- (Students Take Action Now in Darfur). media world had changed. material, and do it
ized a panel to discuss what can be As someone who works closely with The video, a political ad created by
done to help prevent further carnage in the Darfur genocide, she presented the Phillip de Vellis in support of Barack very successfully.
D a r f u r. audience with some possible solutions Obama, was not released through a tradi-
and ways the average, young student tional media outlet, but rather through In Wilson’s estimation, attempts to
can help. She outlined how certain Internet sites such as YouTube. The ad charge for online information have been
Last week the Sudanese local politicians were approaching the was created by a single man on his com- “largely unsuccessful.” He pointed to The
puter, using software that anyone could New York Times Select promotion, which
government finally allowed genocide, and how young constituents
put on their computer. Despite the relative charged for things such as columns. The
can influence their decisions. T h e
the United Nations to S TAND website (www. s t a n d n o w. o rg ) ease with which the ad was created, it number of views of stories that needed to
elaborates on this information. quickly had millions of views. be paid for to view quickly fell dramatical-
begin taking action to Last week the Sudanese government “What’s changing is the connection to ly.
help prevent the genocide finally allowed the United Nations to the audience,” said Wilson, commenting Wilson did say that a news outlet with a
begin taking action to help prevent the on how de Vellis was able to reach mil- “small niche” could charge for their mate-
in Darfur. genocide in Darfur. However, the prob- lions of viewers without the help of a tra- rial, and do it very successfully.
lem still persists and it will take more ditional news outlet. He offered the Congressional Quarterly
Held on April 16th, the Darfur than that small step to ultimately reme- Developments such as these have made website, which he worked for in the mid
Interfaith Panel was cosponsored by dy the horror that plagues the region. Wilson’s job as executive editor very dif- 1990’s. The Congressional Quarterly cov-
The Stony Brook Muslim Students Through events like this panel, the next ferent in a relatively short period of time. ers the U.S. Congress, and when Wilson
Association and the Hillel Center for generation of ruling Americans can He compared that merely two years was there, charged viewers $15,000.00 a
Jewish Campus Life. Each org a n i z a- learn how to do their part. The speakers ago, his schedule primarily consisted of day, while only allowing 3,000 viewers a
tion arranged for a speaker to present a showed the audience that it does not reading newspapers, including his own, day.
viewpoint and possible solutions to this take a lot of sacrifice or effort to help, viewing a few websites, going to news and In terms of major general news, Wilson
problem. The Jewish speaker, Stony and one can only hope that the apathy layout meetings, and long-term news cov- said charging viewers was just not sustain-
B r o o k ’s own Rabbi Joseph Topek, pre- that has stricken the rest of the world erage planning. However, since then, his able. With so many other news outlets
sented a viewpoint focused on the will soon fade away, and lasting peace schedule has become sprinkled with meet- online, there would be no need to pay for
humanitarian aspects and impacts of can once again be restored to the ings with various technological and inter- what you could get elsewhere for free.
the genocide. He accented his points by a fflicted inhabitants of Darfur. net groups. “It’s a sign of where In spite of the challenges that the
things are going,” said Wilson. Internet has posed to the newspaper busi-
ness, Wilson said that he believed the
EDITOR’S NOTE future was still bright for journalists, and
that the business would survive.
“We’re really trying to re-think the
Wow... we have not had one of these in a long ass time. In case you are not familiar, newspaper,” said Wilson. He said it was
this is how we fill dead space or in this case, space where there should be a photo. This very likely that as more people tend to
editor’s note is brought to you by the letter Q. Remember Sesame Street? Word. Hells
read the news headlines on the Internet,
newspaper writing could turn to writing
yea. So do any of you remember our former editor Rob Pearsall? That motherfucker is
that is “something deeper, more magazine-
in Australia, doing the grad school thing. This editor’s note is dedicated to him. He used
like.”
this sorry excuse for a space filler way, way too often. Are you still reading this? I con- Wilson said that the newspaper business Wilson stressed that the future of indi-
gratulate you. I would think most Stony Brook students do not have the attention span has become more difficult, in that it must vidual news companies would depend on
to read more than a few words without drifting off, let alone this morose note. While I now work harder to attract readers, or risk how they adapted to the addition of the
have your attention, let me tell you about my article. Said article is on page 16 and it losing them to the web. He described how web to their news output. He commented
in the past the paper had everything a per- that newspapers that failed to come to
is about the meal plan. Did you hear about the new FSA Facilities fee? Fucked up shit.
son could want - news, sports, and car- terms with the changing landscape of the
Go on... Go to page 16 now. You know what, I’ll leave a little present on the page, just
toons - but that the topics were very gener- news business would struggle mightily to
for you! It is under the www.thestonybrookpress.com thing on the bottom of the page. alized. Now with more choices of news compete with those who did.
OK, this has gone on long enough. I apologize. Peace. outlets, readers can get more specific “The next 10 years will be volatile,”
information if they want more than what is said Wilson. “Some companies will evap-
in the paper. orate, some will thrive.”
“The key to attracting audience…is the
3
Silence Speaks Hope Sparks for Iran
Louder than Words:
By David K. Ginn we’ll make a rat porno. Let’s go back to
___________ my place, and we’ll make a rat porno.
Let’s go back to my place, and we’ll make
Can You Hear It Now ?

make a rat porno. Let’s go back to my a rat porno. Let’s go back to my place, and
place, and we’ll make a rat porno. Let’s we’ll make a rat porno. Let’s go back to
go back to my place, and we’ll make a rat my place, and we’ll make a rat porno.
porno. Let’s go back to my place, and
we’ll make a rat porno. Let’s go back to
By Ilyssa Fuchs today. What are you going to do to end the
my place, and we’ll make a rat porno.
Let’s go back to my place, and
___________ silence?” These cards were one of their
only ways of communicating to others
Let’s go back to my place, and we’ll make we’ll make a rat porno. Let’s
a rat porno. Let’s go back to my place, and
On Wednesday, April 18th, you might their seriousness in accepting to take a
we’ll make a rat porno. Let’s go back to go back to my place, and we’ll
have noticed campus was a bit quieter. If vow of silence all day.
it wasn’t obvious to you right away, you At 12:50, when campus life started,
my place, and we’ll make a rat porno. make a rat porno. Let’s go
Let’s go back to my place, and we’ll make
might have realized that there were many members of the LGBTA and their allies
a rat porno. Let’s go back to my place, and back to my place, and we’ll
students walking around campus wearing braved the cold while holding a silent
black t-shirts with red lettering displayed protest outside the SAC. Participants sat make a rat porno. Let’s go
on the front; the words “Can you hear it in line holding signs proclaiming, “Can
now?”, and making crazy hand motions you hear it now,” “Stop violence based on
Let’s go back to my place, and we’ll make back to my place, [...]
a rat porno. Let’s go back to my place, and
while communicating with a pen and hate,” and “Love knows no gender.”
paper and flashing their speaking cards at
my place, and we’ll make a rat porno. Let’s go back to my place, and we’ll make
professors.
Let’s go back to my place, and we’ll make a rat porno. Let’s go back to my place, and
No, it was not National Mime Day at This year the Stony Brook a rat porno. Let’s go back to my place, and we’ll make a rat porno. Let’s go back to
Stony Brook; it was the 11th Annual
National Day of Silence, a day meant to
LGBTA, FLMA, and the we’ll make a rat porno. Let’s go back to my place, and we’ll make a rat porno.
echo the silence that members of the English Honor Society, came Let’s go back to my place, and we’ll make a rat porno. Let’s go back to my place, and
LGBT community and their allies feel
every day. This year students from over together to organize a suc - a rat porno. Let’s go back to my place, and we’ll make a rat porno. Let’s go back to
we’ll make a rat porno. Let’s go back to my place, and we’ll make a rat porno.
5,000 high-schools, middle-schools, and cessful Day of Silence. my place, and we’ll make a rat porno. Let’s go back to my place, and we’ll make
hundreds of thousands of students from
universities participated in the Day of
a rat porno. Let’s go back to my place, and we’ll make a rat porno. Let’s go back to
Silence, making it the most successful Day Although there were only about 25 stu-
of Silence ever (dayofsilence.org). dents participating in the sit-in, it was still
The Day of Silence, which was founded quite a spectacle and made an impact.
in 1966 at the University of Virginia, “has Passers by couldn’t help but to stop and
become the largest single student-led notice the line of people sitting complete-
action towards creating safer schools for ly silent holding the signs. Many people
all, regardless of sexual orientation, gen- stopped to ask what was going on, only to
der identity or gender expression (dayofsi- be greeted with a smile and a speaking
lence.org). card. Some people clapped and shook
So what exactly is the Day of Silence? their heads in appreciation of the effort
It is a project that was started by GLSEN being made to stop oppression.
(Gay, Lesbian, and Straight Education At 7 PM, the participants re-convened
a rat porno. Let’s go back to my place, and we’ll make
Network) and is a “student-led day of outside the SAC to break the silence in a
action where those who support making group scream. When the screaming final-
anti-LGBT bias unacceptable in schools ly ceased, everyone was relieved and
take a day-long vow of silence to recog- extremely satisfied about making it
nize and protest the discrimination and through the entire day without an utter-
harassment -- in effect, the silencing -- ance. Following the breaking of the
experienced by LGBT students and their silence, participants were invited to the
allies (dayofsilence.org).” University Café` for an Olive Garden
This year the Stony Brook LGBTA, meal, a poetry slam, and a professional
FLMA, and the English Honor Society, drag show. The festivities were a treat
came together to organize a successful considering the trials and tribulations the
Day of Silence. The day started as any participants faced all day in keeping their
usual day; countless classes, meetings, and vow. Students ate and then had the pleas-
work to be done. The only difference was ure of listening to original student poetry
that everything had to be done in silence. and covers of songs. At 10pm, Switch and
Students participating carried around Play, a drag company out of NYC, made
speaking cards inscribed with the saying, up of lesbians dressed in drag as men, hit
“Please understand my reasons for not the stage dancing and lip-syncing many
speaking today. I am participating in the popular songs. The show and the day were
Day of Silence, a national movement in a success.
protesting the silence faced by lesbian, I think in the end everyone came to the
gay, bisexual and transgender people and same reality, sometimes silence speaks a
their allies. My deliberate silence echoes lot louder than words, can you hear it
that silence, which is caused by harass- now? Thank you to everyone who partici-
ment, prejudice, and discrimination. I pated, and a special thanks to Christine
believe that ending the silence is the first Tanaka, Livy Knewstub, Elena Lancaster,
step towards fighting these injustices. and anyone else in the LGBTA who helped
Think about the voices you are not hearing to make the day possible.
4
Rising India: Economic Implications Event
By Peter Grotticelli Deputy Consul General representing the nations do not question the peaceful inten- because if India and China had the same
___________ Consulate of India in New York. He dis- tions of Indian economic policy, while carbon emissions per capita as the US,
cussed the global economic consequences they do question that of China, for they would emit sixteen million more tons
One need not give much background on of the suddenly rapid growth of the Indian instance. (tons of gases!) per year, enough to quick-
India. We know well that it is a potential economy. A fellow ambassador who had The speaker spent most of the time pre- ly destroy all life on Earth. This serious
economic stronghold. However, facts pre- worked with him since they met during senting economic figures. The gist of them issue requires a serious solution. The
sented at a recent Stony Brook lecture, assignments to Kathmandu in the early was that India’s economy will expand speaker derided research on “clean coal
“Rising India: Economic Implications,” ‘90s introduced him to the audience. Mr. because it is going to have a very high pro- technology,” “clean oil technology,” and
dispute the claim that it is a potential eco- Ghanashyam had first taken a master’s portion of young people in the near future, controllable nuclear fusion, all of which
nomic superpower. US laborers fear that degree in physics and then acquired a and intensive foreign and domestic educa- have little promise. He cited MIT’s plan to
India, along with China, will conquer the potentially high-paying job in the private tion will continue to keep these youths develop the first two technologies before
world economy by employing their large sector, but gave all of that up to work in skilled. These skills will expand high-tech twenty years have passed and noted that
populations as effectively as we employ the Indian Foreign Service. He has since industry, which is already booming. the last technology has been researched
ours, thereby becoming superpowers. US served in twenty-two countries and has Indeed, high-tech industry has legitimated unsuccessfully for thirty-five years. He
industries fear the resultant competition, the analogy that India is to China as the US made these plans sound like Bush’s idea of
and US laborers somehow link this to out- is to India. A member of the audience landing humans on Mars by 2016. Indeed,
sourcing. The industries have a legitimate noted that Indians are beginning to fear he implied that these plans are naught but
fear, but the speaker at the event contests outsourcing to China. far-out and unimportant ideas in compari-
that the possibility of Indian and Chinese So India’s economy is rising. Since a son to nuclear power, which needs no
economic dominance lays in the distant presentation of the facts used to draw this abstract research, and obviates all but the
future. He notes that India has one-four- conclusion will look boring (at least this is most environmentally friendly techniques,
teenth the GDP of the US and that China what I conclude when articles are juxta- which “clean” coal and oil technology are
has little more than one-sixth of the US posed with dildos), I will distill the inter- not.
GDP. So India and China are not yet com- esting facts for ye. India’s real (i.e., adjust- India has convinced the reasonable US
peting significantly with the US. They are ed for inflation) GDP per capita rose politicians that it does not intend to pro-
a long way from the US GDP, and even (approximately) from $650 in 1950 to duce secret nuclear stockpiles to oppose
further from US per capita GDP. Let us see $1300 in 1991. The nation liberalized eco- Pakistan. Its speakers convinced the
what else the speaker said to vindicate nomically around 1991, and real GDP per American people,
India, and what his projections are for capita has since risen to $4300 in 2006. It even more broadly,
India’s future. is also noteworthy that India’s savings rate that there is
But first, those who fear increased out- nothing threat-
sourcing must be ridiculed, ening at all
because economic develop- about the rise of
ment will reduce it. It is easy India. It shall only
to imagine the image of a new reduce outsourcing.
economic superpower stepping More importantly, its rise
upon American laborers, but it is will promote peace and
similarly easy to imagine that scientific progress in the
embryonic stem cells world. It will reduce the
will spontaneously influence of alpha-wolves like
mutate into clones. the Pope and George Bush, like
Both of these images rep- the Ayatollah and Ahmadinejad,
resent imaginary relation- like God and Blair and hate and
ships. Economic develop- stupidity. It will eliminate the pernicious
ment will produce greater has always group mentality to which we turn as social
profits in Indian industries, and been positive animals, and, in turn, will eliminate group-
since some of that profit tends to be shared since 1950, and think and the wars that result when popes
with workers, their wages will rise. was 31% in 2006. and politicians rest the fault for starting
Outsourcing targets those who will accept The US savings rate, them upon the group for the assuagement
low wages, so outsourcing to India and according to an audience of their consciences. In a scientific world,
China will decrease as workers for multi- member, is -1.2%. (It would there is no worshipped man like Socrates;
national corporations demand wages that be higher if the US was at everyone can be as important as the
correspond to the higher domestic wages. peace. India has tensions with the thinkers of yore if he or she discovers
Some fools also suppose that East Muslim world as well, as it is sur- something of equal merit. There is no titled
Asians will replicate US universities in rounded by predominately Islamic nations; lord; for not title, but merit, attracts respect
their own countries by bringing home what yet India did not desire to invade them. in this world. Scientists do not vote on
they learn in the US. The speaker did not India cannot have even built up secret decisions; they do not dissent permanently
deny that possibility, but as he did with nuclear caches for protection, because like Supreme Court justices do. There are
GDP, he held that such equalization is a u n d e r- such caches would not have allowed such two sides to every story about abstract phi-
long way off. Since twenty-three of the top taken massive savings. These are facts. They are losophy (i.e. bullshit), but only one right
thirty universities in the world are in the d i ff i c u l t only the liberal facts, but what the hell? way in a scientific society. No legalese can
US, the speaker discounts the xenophobic jobs, such The Supreme Court justices only tend to justify war if scientific minds know that
idea that nations like India are packing up as negotiat- cite preceding rulings that support their war is always wrong.
our universities and shipping them off to ing with the rulings, so I will cite preceding ideology The rise of India will augment the elim-
East Asia. (I cannot resist noting that these T a l i b a n that supports mine. ination of abstract philosophy from global
same xenophobes want to blow up the hijackers of an Of further interest are the good inten- political decisions, which determine who
whole Middle East. They comprise the Indian Airlines tions of India. India desires clean energy gets what, where, and how. The instinctive
thirty percent of the population that still flight. He now with a passion greater than that of the US philosophy is simple and invariable: make
approves of King George III’s perform- looks after Indian because, unlike the wimpy US, it hopes to life happier for man and beast. What
ance). economic interests in the US. He takes expand its nuclear energy. India feels a nation is better known than India for pro-
The speaker was A.R. Ghanashyam, a pride in this job because the US and other great responsibility for the environment, moting peace and vegetarianism?
5
More Technology Additions
Coming Soon to the Campus
By Henry Danner “media file that is distributed over the professor brings up a slide with a question.
___________ Internet using syndication feeds, for play- The students select an answer using their
back on portable media players and per- clickers. The professor gets instant results
With a brand new infrastructure and a sonal computers.” in a bar graph of the number of students
new department head, the Department of As with every great masterpiece, there who chose right or wrong answers.
Teaching, Learning, and Technology is is a rough draft. According to Gary Van “It is a great way of getting immediate
continuing to put into action new plans to Sise, the Director of Education feedback,” Van Sise said.
meet the growing demands for technology Technology and Academic Facilities User Support, which is managed by
at Stony Brook University. Management, podcasting will be used as a Diana Voss, is responsible for managing
The department, which in the last year new form of a classroom videotaping all of the needs of instructional comput-
has transformed from its predecessor, the method with which some professors have ing, such organizing technology seminars.
Department of Instructional Computing, already worked. But instead of videotap- Voss is also in charge of handling issues
has various plans for new technologies to ing class lectures, podcast technology will that students and faculty have with the
be put into action. As every measure is allow students to receive the lectures after widely used teacher-student Web inter-
taken to ensure that these plans and ideas class through audio or video feeds on their face, Blackboard.
come to life, one factor that remains the own personal computers. Of the new changes taking place in
same is for whom the changes will make “It’s a great way of reviewing the mate- instructional computing, Blackboard will
the most difference. rial,” Van Sise said. “But it’s not a substi- be at the forefront of the process, Voss
“Our main goal is to get the faculty and tute for going to class.” said.
students to know and understand what Professors will still have what Van Sise Online quizzing through Blackboard is
resources are available,” said Graham described as their “concept of intellectual one new method of assessment that is
Glynn, the department’s new executive personality”. Simply put, the professors being tried out, and instructional comput-
director. This goal is being met through do not have to podcast their lectures if ing hopes many professors will adopt in
the services of four sub-departments: they do not want to. the near future. The method will be an
Education Technology, System Support,
User Support and the Faculty Center, for-
merly known as the Center for Excellence
in Learning and Teaching.
Glen made his way to Stony Brook via
Penn State University in time for the start
of the fall semester. He replaced Nancy
D u ffrin, the former director of the
Department of Instructional Computing.
Virtual classrooms are among the list of
up-and-comings from the department.
They will be used as another form of the
distance-learning methods like video con-
ferencing, which are used in some cours-
“Retarded or Fucking Retarded”
es.
In traditional courses, the class meets in
a specially equipped conference room and
engages in a conference-style lecture with
a high-ranking representative relative to
the course. In the case of a past course Botanical Gardens
Bush
about the United Nations, that representa-
tive was the U.S. ambassador to the U.N., Some may criticize these new methods element of the web-based instruction in
videoconferencing from its headquarters because they allow students to abuse their which professors can assign daily quizzes.
in New York City. privileges and skip classes regularly. Van “Faculty can use it to see what students
The bonus to video conferencing is Sise said that through past instances of learned from their lectures,” Voss said.
“having access to people and resources trial and error, professors have noted that Instead of the traditional in-class
that you don’t usually have access to,” Van they saw a decrease in attendance, but an quizzes, online quizzing would be a
Sise said. With new technological increase in comprehension. speedier, convenient, and more productive
advances, teaching technology plans to Van Sise said other methods, such as tool for professors to evaluate how well
take this form of distance learning to the E-instruction system, can be used to students are coming along in the course,
another level. Instead of students having combat this potential abuse. This system and it would allow instructors to make any
to meet in conference rooms, they will be is used in many science and economics essential changes to the lessons.
able to access the conferences from their courses, and it enables professors to meas- Voss said that instructional computing
personal computers, provided that their ure the success rate of students based on hopes to hold more technology workshops
Internet connection is sufficient and they their knowledge, participation, and atten- for students and faculty in the fall semes-
have a Web camera. dance. ter. By working with professors and sur-
Glynn’s department is also experiment- To use the system, students must pur- veying students, Voss said that her depart-
ing with other innovative ideas that they chase tiny remotes commonly called ment will determine what workshops are
would like to bring to the vanguard by “clickers,” which are available at campus needed most.
next fall. Glynn said that podcasting is a bookstores, and register them based on Voss said she hopes students will make
new feature that could change notetaking what course they are taking and their stu- great use of these workshops. “Our
and reviewing greatly for students and dent identification number. biggest problem is that we offer the work-
faculty. Wikipedia defines a podcast as a During a PowerPoint presentation, a shops and nobody comes,” Voss said.
6
USG For Students, Overcrowded
Judicary Computer Labs Will See Some
Votes to Changes for the Better
Impeach
By Henry Danner user identification. hours to get a computer,” Duffrin said.
___________ Glynn also mentioned a plan to have “What allowed us to expand the SINC
ten to twenty laptops available for stu- sites was when the tech fee started
Jean-
On any given day you can walk into a dents’ personal use in the library. With around ’96.”
University SINC site and find plenty of the Department of Instructional The fee is currently $165 a semester.
students working diligently. The prob- Computing having seen a 5 percent It accounts for $3.7 million of
lem at the library SINC site is that at cer- budget increase for the 2006-07 year, Instructional Computing’s budget for the
Baptiste
tain times of the day, there may be a bit these plans have the financial backing, 2006-07 year and, over time, has helped
too many students. though the ideas are still in the strategic the SINC sites expand to thirteen loca-
The number of users at the library planning stage. Glynn said he hopes the tions on campus, with a total of 709 PCs
SINC site can be especially overwhelm- laptops will be available by the end of and 83 Macs.
By James Laudano ing between noon and 3PM. Even with the summer.
___________ its 114 PCs and 23 Macs, students wait In terms of the integrated support sys-
in line, relentlessly jockeying for a posi- tem, “It’s going to be a gradual shift over
In what some saw to be an inevitability, the tion to get a seat at the next available the years,” Glynn said. Sherry Chang,
USG Supreme Court voted to impeach and computer. Associate Director and public spokes-
remove President Romual Jean-Baptiste. Senior Lionel Charles, 23, said that woman for the library, said that the sys-
Jean-Baptiste was under investigation for the library SINC site needs more com- tem “will not be a complete merge.”
hanging sexist and racist posters, posters puters. “There is an extensive amount of “They will help us with the technolo-
which attempted to frame candidate Joseph students but a limited amount of comput- gy side to our service,” stated Glynn.
Antonelli, around the campus prior to this ers,” he said. Noting that, printing systems will be
March’s USG elections. The ruling, in a Location is also an important factor in managed and serviced by Glynn’s
unanimous 5-0 vote, also barred Jean- keeping student users satisfied. department.
Baptiste from ever holding office here at Sophomore, Khari Robinson, 19, said Still, the technological era has been
Stony Brook again. she does not like going to the SINC site very generous to the 14,851 underg r a d u- A major factor in the successful oper-
One USG Supreme Court justice told us in the Student Union building because of ates at the State University of Stony ation of the SINC sites, Duffrin said, is
that “There was no deliberation needed in the the dark and gloomy appearance of the Brook. the students who run them. “If it wasn’t
courts decision. The evidence against Romual basement where the lab is located. There are twelve other undergraduate for the student employees, we would not
was too overwhelming.” A question one might ask is, “What is SINC sites that help to keep the universi- have the hours to operate,” Duffrin said.
The decision came down despite a spirited being done to ensure that these issues are ty’s heart pumping from a technological “ We currently have 100 students
defense of the former President by Senator solved?” The answer given by Graham standpoint. They serve as the mainframe employed. Some of them are federal
Robert Romano. Romano had to resign his Glynn, the recently appointed Executive for public computer access for students, work-study, but most aren’t . ”
position as President Pro-Temp in order to Director of Teaching, Learning, and and also as alternatives to the over- A student employee who serves as an
take the case. The prosecution, headed by Technology, was “integrated support.” crowded labs, such as the one in the Instructional Computing consultant, who
Senators Nathan Shapiro and Ryan Integrated support combines the sys- library. preferred to stay anonymous to avoid
O’Connor, presented the case that Jean- tems the computers in the SINC sites run These SINC sites did not grow out of any form of biased interpretations, said
Baptiste’s was not only guilty of sexist and on with other computers that will be thin air. Nancy Duffrin, the former his job is to “maintain an orderly fashion
racist crimes, but also of defamation of Joe added around the Melville Library. Director of Instructional Computing - in the Sinc sites.” This is accomplished
Antonelli’s character. Glynn said the change would eventually the department in charge of managing by assisting users with problems, such as
The court may also need to conduct anoth- “make the library a SINC site, and the the sites - said that they have come along setting their passwords, or fixing a
er trial investigating the role of Michael SINC site a library”, answering the con- since they were introduced in 1986. p a p e r-jam in one of the printers.
Cohan, a close cohort of Jean-Baptiste, in the cerns for better locations and for more D u ffrin said that in the early years, This employee, a graduate student,
poster scandal. Cohan resigned his office as computers. Some current locations of there were initially only six labs located has been working mainly in the Library
Junior Class Representative shortly after the computers that will undergo the change at the Melville Library and in the and Engineering SINC sites for about a
scandal broke. Considering that Cohan is due are in the Main Reference Room, and the Engineering, Social and Behavioral year. As for rating the importance of stu-
to take over as Vice President of Academic North and Central reading rooms. Just Sciences, Math, Physics, Chemistry and dent employees at the SINC sites, he
Affairs this coming semester, the court may as they do in the SINC sites, students Health Sciences buildings. said, “On a scale from one to ten, I
choose to investigate whether or not he, too, will be able to print based on their daily “I remember times back in the early would choose a ten because they can’t
was involved with the crime. printing quotas, which are tagged to their nineties, where students had to wait four open without us.”
Jamie Freiermuth
The end for Romual.
7
SBU: A Virginia Tech Waiting to Happen?
By David Becerra He also emphasized the university cases were thoroughly investigated, but if ticism as to how effective the current sys-
___________ police’s dependence on the Suffolk Police some real act of violence would occur tem would be if a real emergency were to
and the quality of their service. The assis- c o u l d n ’t it likely be something stemming occur. The administration defended itself
In response to the fear mustered from tant chief further stated that only a big from this “backlash?” Stein concluded the saying that putting any of the said meth-
the events at Vi rginia Tech, the SBU staff need requires the intervention of the lecture portion of the meeting with pow- ods of improvement into action is not as
found a noticeable demand for a Town S u ffolk Police Department. Stressing the erful words showing his pride in the uni- simple as it sounds. A student finished off
Hall meeting. To calm the public and importance of the campus email for emer- versity. He said that we are among the top the town hall meeting asking how the
strengthen pride, the senior administrators gencies, he concluded by telling the audi- in safety but still wants to reorganize the committee is notifying people about all of
stated a myriad of compliments to the ence to go to their website (ws.cc.stony- policies to make the University even the services that Stony Brook has to offer.
e m e rgency system of Stony Brook. The brook.edu/police/). greater. The retort offered by the panel was that
focus of the matter at hand is drawn Jerry Stein, the Dean of Students, fol- The end there are brochures, the website, and other
between present and future. The Senior lowed with a brief look at future events. ways of constantly trying to publicize
Administrators seemed caught up in the Stein stated that there will be a letter of information.
now instead of having a definitive plan support sent to Virginia Tech, as well A tragedy like Virginia Tech could
for the future. as a banner made by the craft cen- have been avoided in many ways.
The lecture began with a proper ter. Dean Stein continued by Insane people do not simply
moment of silence for all of those lost at stating that since the events of start shooting; a disease that
Vi rginia Tech. Shirley Strum Kenny Vi rginia Tech Stein himself is insidious takes a long
began by stating her opinions on the safe- has alerted all advisors so time in order to progress
ty of Universities and the effect of that counseling is avail- to levels capable of caus-
tragedies on policies. Kenny showed her able as soon as possible. ing a level 3 disaster.
confidence in the university with her Stein concluded with The most important
statement “Every university is now doing his description of the thing we can do to
what we’re doing to keep our universities B e h a v i o r a l avoid these kinds of
safe.” The events of 9/11 were also recol- A s s e s s m e n t situations is to speak
lected with the intent of drawing a paral- Committee which out when we see
lel between the tragedies. Kenny finished evaluates distressed something out of the
her speech with the benevolent statement and disruptive stu- ordinary. If someone
“I want you to have the information the dents. Someone must is seen suffering to lev-
panel has.” be recommended to the els of dysfunction, they
The Assistant Police Chief of the Stony board in order for them to ought to be mandated to
Brook Police, Doug Little, followed receive the full psycholog- the Behavioral Assessment
Kenny. Little introduced the Emergency ical review, but it is a great Committee to keep them
Operations Team, which he described as tool in preventing actions from from harming anyone, includ-
professionals that come together in order mentally ill students. Students ing themselves. The only way to
to make decisions. He also stressed the can in fact be mandated to be seen ever prevent a kind of tragedy sim-
importance of this team based on under- by the committee; it is not an option- ilar to Vi rginia Tech would be
standing and communication. Finally, the al meeting. through action of the personal sort.
team was visualized as a hospitable group A supporting speaker followed up Professionals cannot assist someone who
that has a plan. Not only is this plan eff e c- with the references made by Dean Stein has become so introverted that they will
tive, but also if needed, the group mem- who gave a description of the array of not leave their room. The signs of the
bers work afterwards in order to ensure available campus support. She affirmed incident were there, had someone made a
the efficiency of the plan. Stein’s statements about free counseling call the Virginia Tech disaster may have
To allow for a more in depth evaluation and stated that free psychological help is been avoided. The numbers to call would
of the Emergency Task Force (EMT), an available on campus, and said that they either be the Emergency Service at 444-
expert on emergency management by the are in fact “readily used”. Although the 2465, Student Health Center at 632-
name of Gary was incorporated. Gary services are set up to be voluntary, if 6740, Crisis Counseling at 632-6720,
gave a vivid description of the ETF as someone has been referred to or Comprehensive Psychiatric
well as the different levels of emergencies receive a psychological evalua- E m e rgency Program (CPEP) at
that occur. According to Gary, the ETF tion, they can be mandated to 444-6050.
was built as an all hazards plan structured come. Teachers most likely tell An important question which
around the framework of what is known the counseling center about the meeting explored was
about all types of emergencies. Level 1 any extremely violent writ- whether or not events like
issues are described as commonplace ings. Once or twice a year, the Vi rginia Tech could take place
which mostly go unnoticed. Level 2 university advises people to take a at Stony Brook University. There
issues are more significant. An example medical leave of absence. In order for are effective systems in place to
given of a Level 2 emergency was the a student to return from such a league of counteract such an event, but they take
storm which occurred on Sunday, April absence, they must be able to display that personal involvement in order to become
15th. Level 3 issues, though not dis- they are in a fit mental condition. effective. There will always be a possibil-
cussed, are extreme occurrences like what Dean Stein then added a few interest- of the meeting consisted of an open ques- ity for a tragedy like Virginia Tech if peo-
happened at Virginia Tech. Gary assured ing statements that were unfortunately not tion and answer session. Many sugges- ple do not react when warning signs are
the audience of our safety and involve- delved into very deeply. Stein hailed that tions and concerns were raised and areas present. It is yours to decide whether you
ment with all levels of protective services. Stony Brook was one of the first places to of improvement were introduced to the think Stony Brook University has the
He mentioned both state and local set up a program like the Behavioral panel. Some of these ideas were a campus potential for such a disaster or not. To
involvement such as teleconferences and Assessment Committee. More interest- wide broadcasting system, mass text mes- repeat an adage that was spoken at the
meetings with the New York State organ- ingly Stein described Stony Brook as a saging, scrolling text boards, lowering meeting, “you can lead a horse to water,
ization CMO. With regards to Gary’s school that prides itself on diversity. He high handles on doors in certain buildings but you can’t make him drink.” As cliché
description of those involved with the then merely mentioned a concern about to allow the use of desks to blockade the as this may be it, offers a very valid point.
safety of the university, the Assistant certain incidents of backlash that are doors, and more televisions. The speaker Whether the staff is doing all they can be
Police Chief made a statement. He occurring against the Asian communities. responded swiftly that he would look into doing is also yours to decide. Do you feel
described the university police as a team. This topic was brushed to the side, as these areas. Some students showed skep- safe?
8
Where Science and
THE STONY BROOK PRESS
Technology
Accomplish Goals
By David K. Ginn porno. Let’s go back to my place, and
___________ we’ll make a rat porno. Let’s go back to
Let’s go back to my place, and we’ll Let’s go back to my place, and we’ll make
WE HAVE YOUR GRATUITOUS make a rat porno. Let’s go back to my a rat porno. Let’s go back to my place,
SLAVE GIRL, AND IF YOU WANT place, and we’ll make a rat porno. Let’s and we’ll make a rat porno. Let’s go back
HER BACK, COME AND GET HER. go back to my place, and we’ll make a rat to my place, and we’ll make a rat porno.
porno. Let’s go back to my place, and Let’s go back to my place, and we’ll make
MEETINGS WEDNESDAYS AT 1 pm we’ll make a rat porno. Let’s go back to a rat porno. Let’s go back to my place,
STUDENT UNION ROOM 060 my place, and we’ll make a rat porno. and we’ll make a rat porno. Let’s go back
Let’s go back to my place, and we’ll make to my place, and we’ll make a rat porno.
a rat porno. Let’s go back to my place, Let’s go back to my place, and we’ll make
and we’ll make a rat porno. Let’s go back a rat porno. Let’s go back to my place,
to my place, and we’ll make a rat porno. and we’ll make a rat porno. Let’s go back
to my place, and we’ll make a rat and we’ll
9
Editorials
E d i to r i a l B o a r d
Executive Editor
B ryan Hasho
Wake Up, Stony Brook!
Managing Editor Wake up, Stony Brook! One of the things that bothers us demic community and our school gets a reputation for these
Rebecca Kleinhaut
most here at The Press is the inherent pall of apathy that cold, dull responses to guest speakers and events? The admin-
Associate Editor plagues this campus. Now, most of our readership is likely to be istration probably won’t want to spend the money to hold these
Alex Nagler
at least somewhat involved on campus, so many of you proba- events if we don’t start showing up soon. It’s not like it’s hard,
Business Manager
Adina Silverbush bly are not guilty of this. However, if you’ve gone to a number either. All you have to do is actually be aware of your surround-
P roduction Manager of events on campus this semester you know what we are talk- ings for once and read the fliers around campus. We know you
Jesse ‘DP’ S c h o e p f e r ing about. all have a lot of work to do, and so do we. Hell, we even put out
News Editors The USG Presidential elections this past March garnered a a newspaper every few weeks in between our schoolwork, and
James Laudano
Steve McLinden paltry 700 votes out of 15,000 undergrads. That’s a 4.6% voter yet we still have time to attend the occasional school event.
F e a t u res Editor turnout, folks, and not only is that pathetic, it’s also the lowest This campus used to be known as the “Berkley of the East”
Jon Singer percentage the university has ever had. There was a basketball during the 1960s and ‘70s. Stony Brook stood up for the major
A rts Editor tournament fundraiser to fight malaria this past week. And issues in the world, and students attended the rallies and events
Madeline Scheckter
while there were enough teams to fill the bracket, only two of here. Anyone who reads the newspaper today will realize that
Photo Editors
Jamie Fre i e r m u t h them were made up of Stony Brook University students. For these sorts of issues still remain with us today. Unfortunately,
John ‘Caboose’ O ’ D e l l God’s sake, not even the allure of free food draws a crowd any- the will and drive has not seemed to linger. If you are one of the
Copy Editor more. involved, caring students, here we salute you. This campus
A n d rew Pernick
There are numerous events here every day. Yes, its under- needs more like you. And we here at The Stony Brook Pre s s
We b m a s t e r standable if students forget about one, but one certainly cannot simply ask one thing of you: next semester, drag a few friends
Chris Wi l l i a m s
claim that the university or student clubs do not hold enough along to some events. Who knows, they may even thank you for
Audiomaster
Vincent Michael Festa events. What happens when word gets out to the rest of the aca- it. And, personally, we here will thank you for it, too.
Ombudsman
Sam Goldman
M i n i s t e r of A rc h i v e s
Horse Porn, Redux
Joe Rios Newly-appointed Executive Vice President Nathan Shapiro agreed with it.
IT Manager once likened the Undergraduate Senate to “a soap opera.” We’re done writing. No USG editorial. Stop going to us
Joe Rios
While sitting in the gallery of the April 17th and 24th meet- for updates, you baa-ing, sheered sheep. Go watch the meet-
Distribution Manager
David K. Ginn ings, it was easy to see just how well this analogy fits. ings and see for yourselves, because maybe then you’ll actu-
It was soap opera madness. No, actually, it was worse. It ally care enough to get involved and make changes.
was like the WW Fucking E. We laughed so hard we shit our That’s right. We, The Stony Brook Pre s s, are blaming you,
Staff pants and then kept laughing. Isn’t USG supposed to exist for reader. You are the cause of all this bullshit with the student
Kotei Aoki James ‘Stkluv’Messina
Travis Aria Thomas Mets the benefit of the student body, not to ignore those who are government. You are the reason these retarded assholes all
Shaun Bennett Jamie Mignone
Berta Rezik Claire Mize actually interested and informed enough to sit through their ran unopposed. Your inaction has fucked you over, and you’ll
Melissa Bernardez Dana Murray
Lucasz Chelminski Irv Novoa incestuous legislation sessions? We don’t fucking care. They never fully understand the extent.
Jessica Cordero Frank Nobiletti suck so hard. Stop reading. Right now, stop. Put this issue down and
Caroline D’Agati Karina Offurum
Joe Donato Rob Pearsall It might sound like we’re bitter. We’re not. We really have find out how USG is dicking you over by giving you a week-
Melanie Donovan Jon Plarsted
Michael Felder Nirmala Ramsaran no reason to be. However, we feel truly offended when a sen- ly variety show in place of a working student government.
Joe Filippazzo Kristine Renigen
Amelia Fischer Berta Rezik ator threatens to walk out of a committee because his own per- Go now, and start reading again when you give a shit.
Ilyssa Fuchs Jowy Romano
Rob Gilheany Joe Safdia
sonal version of the budget wasn’t passed without amend-
Joanna Goodman Miguel Sanchez ments. We also feel the offense that the student body chooses P.S. – We really wish that Amy Wisnoski became President
Stephanie Hayes Natalie Schultz
Dave Grohl Alison Schwartz not to feel when the President-elect motions to close a meet- a really long time ago.
Marta Gyvel Karen Shidlo
Mo Ibrahim Scott Silsbe ing early and blocks members of the gallery from speaking
Elizabeth Kaplan Rose Slupski
Alexander Kahn Christine Tanaka during open agenda. The only thing worse than one person P.P.S. – Nathan Shapiro slammed that gavel down like a
Olga Kaplun Amberly Timperio
Michael Kelly Claudia Toloza
motioning to shut students up is that the majority of the Senate motherfucker with vengeance on his mind.
Yve Koon Lena Tumasyan
Larry Lamb Marcel Votlucka
Antony Lin Jake Wallace
Hector Longarms Alex ‘AWAL’ Walsh
Tia Mansouri Brian Wasser
Mariana Martins Ricky Whitcomb
Justin Meltzer Matt Willemain
Wanna Know Where You Can Stick Your

Leeza Menon Ed Zadorozny
The Stony Brook Press is published fortnightly during
Opinions?
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by The Stony Brook Press, a student run non-profit
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10
Letters
Dear Editor,
As I was pondering the recent change in weather, I wondered about our good friend. No, not God, but the sun. You
know, that big ball of fire and gas up in the sky no one really worries about. Well, I got to thinking…
Our sun is yellow. Anyone that is not color blind can see that. Now, I know some liberals out there do not listen to
our media and know of the other planet that has sustained life. That is right, I speak about the planet Krypton. As you,
the editor may or may not know, Krypton was bathed by light from their red sun. After their planet was destroyed, every-
one here on Earth tried to cover it up. Lo and behold, one of the Kryptonians arrived on Earth. You guys might know
him as Superman, but I know him as Dad.
But anyway, back to the topic at hand. I have been doing studies on how Earth would react to a giant red sun, instead
of a wimpy yellow sun. Think about it, Superman went from red sun to yellow sun, and gained a bunch of bitchin’ pow-
ers: flying, muscles, laser vision, super speed, etc. So, if we were to trade our sun with any number of red suns, would
us Earthlings get inverse Superman powers? Would we be able to fly through the Earth instead of above it? Would lasers
shoot into our heads, instead of out of our heads? That would most certainly fry our brains, resulting in many a dead
Earthling. Perhaps we would grow negative muscles. Biological systems consisting of antimatter, with so much mass
our bodies would smash into each other, destroying every organism in one swift moment. Would we move super slow?
That would totally suck.
So, what is the deal NOAO? You guys say you are “looking into the matter”, but then never call me back! Sounds
pretty shifty to me. So red suns, editor. You of all people must know the incomprehensible power that red sun’s yield.
So enough of the pussyfooting and let’s wrangle one and get some interearth flight! Bitch!
Love always,
Superboy
We at The Stony Brook Press are in fact well aware of many facts about this ball of gas you call a sun, and as a
result we will now sing a little tune by They Might Be Giants:
The sun is a mass of Atomic energy inside
incandescent gas And yet, it is only a mid- Atomic energy
A gigantic nuclear furnace The sun is a mass of dle size star
Where Hydrogen is built incandescent gas Scientists have found that
into Helium A gigantic nuclear furnace The sun is far away... the sun is a huge atom
At a temperature of mil- Where Hydrogen is built smashing machine
lions of degrees into Helium About 93,000,000 miles The heat and light of the
At a temperature of mil- away sun are caused by nuclear
The sun is hot, the sun is lions of degrees And that's why it looks so reactions between
not small Hydrogen, Nitrogen,
A place where we could The sun is hot... Carbon, and Helium
live But even when it's out of
But here on Earth there'd The sun is so hot that sight The sun is a mass of
be no life everything on it is a gas The sun shines night and incandescent gas
Without the light it gives Aluminum, Copper, Iron, day A gigantic nuclear furnace
and many others Where Hydrogen is built
We need its light, we need We need its heat, we need into Helium
its heat The sun is large... its light At a temperature of mil-
The sun light that we seek The sun light that we seek lions of degrees
The sun light comes from If the sun were hollow, a The sun light comes from
our own sun's million Earth's would fit our own sun's
To The Undergraduate Students of Stony Brook University,
I would like to take this opportunity to apologize to each and every student for my seemingly wrongful action of
motioning to adjourn the last USG Senate meeting 45 minutes early. In moving to adjourn, I made a judgment call on
what I deemed was getting out of order. There was much back and forth between the Senate and the gallery members
and I did not feel this was the proper forum to address the issues given the fact that only a few senators (including
myself) had extensive knowledge on the budget. I have no problem speaking with students about concerns they have
with the budget. I am always accessible through e-mail (jtantone@notes.cc.sunysb.edu), as well as in person in the
USG suite. I can be found there almost any time that I am not in class or meeting with an administrator to address stu-
dent concerns. I encourage any student who has any concern at all about how their club budget was determined to get
in contact with myself to discuss the issue. Thank you for your understanding in the issue and I look forward to contin-
uing my service to the undergraduate student body.
Sincerely,
Senator Joseph Antonelli
11
Compiled by James Laudano, Steve McLinden & Andrew Pernick
Congress Passes Iraq Withdraw Bill measure, by all accounts, is not expected to Democratic Presidential The Press’ G-mail account had collapsed
pass. "I do not think there is a realistic shot Candidates Debate due to a veritable flood of submissions.
The Democrat-controlled Congress that it gets passed, but I will submit it In a sign of how long and early the Some blame the “Lit Supp,” while others
passed a bill on April 26th that aimed to because it is a statement of principle that I Presidential election process has become, blame the incoming journalism students.
begin a withdrawal of American troops believe in and I want to begin that dynam- eight Democrats debated at South Carolina However, this much is sure. The conse-
from Iraq starting on October 1st. ic,” Spitzer stated. Newsday reported that State University on April 26th. The quences were dire. Half of the copy editing
However, President Bush, upon learning of one New York lesbian, gay, bisexual, and debate, held by MSNBC, and while Iraq corp. was wiped out by Sunday morning,
the bill, vowed that he would veto it. The transgender civil rights organization only was the main topic, plenty of other issues while the survivors envied the dead as they
bill is unlikely to garner the two-thirds sees 60 assemblypersons and eighteen came up as America got its first impression were left alive to suffer. No word has yet
majority support in Congress to overturn Senators who would vote for the legisla- of the candidates more than nine months come in as to how long the issue will be.
the White House’s veto. The President’s tion, well short of half of both Houses. before state primaries begin. Yet the staff now agrees that 100 pages
deputy press secretary released this mes- Spitzer, a Democrat, was elected gover- Frontrunner Hillary Clinton focused on simply aren’t worth the cost paid this
sage: “I think the bill that they sent us nor in November 2006 with a whopping what responsibilities the 44th President weekend.
today is ‘mission defeated.’ This bill is 69% of the vote. New Jersey, would face, and Barack Obama harped on
dead before arrival.” The war has cost over Connecticut, Vermont, and just recently the fact that he was against the Iraq war
3,300 American lives and countless Iraqi New Hampshire have legalized same-sex from the start. John Edwards went with a Oh Yeah, and Roth Regatta
ones. Many Republican members of civil unions. Our Senator, Hillary Clinton, populist theme, while New Mexico Was Postponed.
Congress who opposed the withdrawal bill also a Democrat, has said that she does not Governor Bill Richardson pushed his plans The University was sad to announce
stated that if the tide does not begin to turn agree with gay marriage but would support on international relations. Ohio that the Roth Regatta, originally planned
in Iraq, they too will turn their support civil unions, as does New York’s senior Representative Dennis Kucinich, who has for Friday, April 27th, had to be postponed
towards a pull-out bill. Democratic Senator, Chuck Schumer. been considered too liberal, made his name until the following Friday, May 4th. The
known and represented the immediate- administration cited the imminent threat of
Boris Yeltsin Dies withdrawal-from-Iraq school of thought. Viking longboats pillaging and burning the
Boris Yeltsin, the first President of dem- US Department of Veterans Affairs Along with the colorful former Alaskan participants of the race as the reason for
ocratic Russia, passed away on April 23rd. OKs Wiccan Pentacle Senator Mike Gravel, Kucinich attacked the delay. No word yet as to how one
Though he was a longtime member of the Following a lawsuit, the Department of Obama saying that he and the more well- week’s layoff will help stop said massive
Communist Party, Yeltsin played a major Veterans Affairs reached a settlement with known candidates were itchy to use Viking invasion.
role in reforming the USSR during its dis- the eleven families who had sued the nuclear weapons against Iran. Many ana-
solution into a democracy. He served Department to add the Wiccan Pentacle, a lysts said that Delaware Senator Joe Biden
almost two full terms, from 1992 to 1999, five-pointed star enclosed in a circle, to the appeared “the most Presidential” and that Steven Hawking Is In
before resigning. It is believed that Yeltsin list of “emblems of belief” that can be used Chris Dodd of Connecticut did not have a Space….Almost
died from congestive heart failure, but on government-supplied headstones for notable showing. Steven Hawking, the world’s most
many reports have alleged that he was suf- deceased military personnel. The settle- The Republican hopefuls will debate on renowned physicist, is in space! Well, not
fering from alcoholism. As for the future ment requires that the pentacle be added to MSNBC on Thursday, May 3rd. quite outer space, but still close enough to
of Russia, the legacy he leaves is in ques- the grave markers within fourteen days of allow him to float around. Hawking has
tion. the settlement, reached on April 23rd. In Press Staffers “Drowned” In battled ALS, more commonly known as
Many historians now say that perhaps addition, the Department agreed to pay Deluge of Content Lou Gehrig’s Disease, for over 40 years
Yeltsin brought too much of a shift over $225,000 in legal fees. Selena Fox, It began innocently enough: brash edi- now. The trip to space gave the scientist
towards the free market, considering run- High Priestess for the Circle Sanctuary in tors bragged during the week of cracking the chance to not only finally leave his
away corporate power and corruption, as Wisconsin, said, “I am glad this has ended 100 pages for the final issue of the semes- wheelchair, but also to finally travel to the
well as the proliferation of organized in success in time to get markers for ter. However, the staff soon realized the celestial heavens about which he so often
crime. His legacy is also in danger at a Memorial Day.” folly of their goal. By Saturday evening, wrote.
time when President Putin is taking
numerous anti-Democratic measures, such
as taking away provincial executives’ elec-
tions and converting them to appointee
positions. The last independent radio sta-
tion in Russia was taken over by the state
in April, and the Kremlin has been criti-
cized on the international scene in the poi-
soning death of a retired Russian spy and
the questionable deaths of investigative
reporters.
Spitzer Pushes NY Gay

Marriage Bill
Keeping his campaign promise,
Governor Eliot Spitzer has unveiled a bill
to the state legislature that would legalize
gay marriage if passed, making New York
the second state after Massachusetts to per-
mit the marriage of same-sex couples. The
12
Your Student Activity Fee:
Hard at Work, or Hardly Working?
By Rebecca Kleinhaut the budget passed quickly, but without
___________ any input from gallery members that
wished to be recognized. With about fif-
The end of every spring semester is a teen more minutes during Open Agenda,
hectic time for the Underg r a d u a t e a rarity at Senate meetings where the
Senate. The Budget Committee scram- floor is officially opened to gallery
bles to create a budget for all of the members, Senator Joseph A n t o n e l l i
o rganizations that are funded by USG. promptly motioned to close the meeting,
The budget was already voted down
once during the meeting of April 10th,
and the Senate ultimately blocked
gallery members from speaking once
Where
and tensions flared in the following
weeks concerning the finished product.
again.
In other Senate related news, former Is
During the Senate meeting on April
17th, Treasurer Stephen Hui presented
President Romual Jean-Baptiste’s role
was filled as Amy Wisnoski stepped into Your
God
the Senate with a letter from Peter his place for the remaining weeks this
Baigent, Vice President for Student spring semester. Senator Shapiro filled
Now
A ffairs, giving the Senate another exten- President Wi s n o s k i ’s role as Executive
sion in passing their final budget. David K Ginn Vice President, allowing him to practice
“He’s been waiting his whole life for that gavel”
However, the extension was met with before he officially fills the role next
many dissenters, and instead of focusing
on the contents of the budget, most of
look over the budget once again would
only create a “hack-slash bonanza” and
year. President Wisnoski addressed the
Senate about the impeachment, calling it
?
the meeting was spent in debate con- would not be beneficial.
cerning whether or not the extension Many members of the Senate, includ-
Union
should be utilized. ing those who serve on the Budget Other senators questioned a
Many senators, including some who Committee, were concerned that only
few of the budget alterations,
060
serve on the Budget Committee, two people compiled the budget.
believed their voice was not adequately Senator Diana Etienne, who is a member
utilized in creating and amending the
including the College
Weds
of the Budget Committee, claimed she
budget to fit every org a n i z a t i o n ’s specif- was not invited to help Senators Shapiro Republicans’ jump from
ic needs. The problem was that only two and Maiorella overhaul the budget.
senators, Senator Matthew Maiorella
and Senator Nathan Shapiro, overhauled
“[Budget Committee] shouldn’t be com-
prised of only two members,” said
$10,000 to $30,000
@
the budget on April 15th around 10 pm
during an unofficial meeting. T h e y
Senator Etienne. Senator Heather
Rayburn echoed her statement; she “emotional and painful,” but a “step to 1 PM
claimed that they looked over all of the claimed that, as a commuter, it would real efficiency [within USG]”.
budget applications, which must be sub- not have been feasible for her to work Senator Robert Romano also stepped
mitted by every USG-funded org a n i z a- through one night on such a project. down from his role as President Pro
tion, because nobody else on the Budget Other senators questioned a few of Tempore because of his decision to
Committee believed that a budget could the budget alterations, including the defend Jean-Baptiste during his
be made in the allotted time, which was College Republicans’ jump from impeachment trial. He drafted a resolu-
approximately three days before the approximately $10,000 to $30,000 tion against himself for the April 17th
April 17th Senate meeting. Senator (Senator Shapiro is Vice President). meeting, but Senator Shapiro struck it
Shapiro claimed that an extra week to Senator Matthew Maiorella assured the from the agenda. Senator Jonathon Hirst
Senate that they tried to create a budget was elected to serve as President Pro
that was “viewpoint neutral”, and that Tempore for this semester’s remaining
Senator Shapiro did not participate in Senate meetings.
the final decision of the College Senator Hirst also presented his
R e p u b l i c a n ’s budget. Although both Student Life Council Act, which creates
senators agreed that they adhered to “set a student committee that acts as a liaison
criteria” for every club, Senator between the administration and the stu-
Jonathon Hirst stated that Tr e a s u r e r dent body. Its purpose is to “org a n i z e
Stephen Hui’s “personal experience” students to go to committee [meetings]”
with clubs could have been instrumental and report back to the Council with their
in creating a more effective budget. findings and recommendations. Senator
The Senate ultimately decided to take Hirst stated that he tried to keep it “flex-
the extension in order to have more time ible” enough to compensate for the
to properly look over and amend the influx of students next year. The bill
budget. During the meeting on April 24, passed unanimously.
13
14
www.thestonybrookpress.com 15
16 www.thestonybrookpress.com
Seawolves Men’s
Soccer Fall To
Powerhouse, Well folks, we’ve made it through
another successful semester here at
Most lesbians that I know fall into
the second category: lesbians who
UCONN
Stony Brook. Congratulations, to all believe they were born gay and do not
those who are graduating and good luck hate men at all but aren’t into the whole
to everyone on their finals. A l t h o u g h penis thing. These are lesbians who
this will be the last issue of the paper were most likely the tomboy growing
By Antony Lin away Akeem Priestly’s hard shot to the until September, questions can still be up, had lots of male friends, and are
___________ near post in the 38th minute. submitted throughout the summer by e- basically considered “one of the guys.”
The second half would see both sides mailing me at In my experience these lesbians actual-
The UConn Huskies would defeat the evenly possess the ball. AskALesbian.SBPress@gmail.com, I ly love men because they understand to
Stony Brook Seawolves by the score of The Seawolves’ best chance would will gladly answer them in upcoming some degree what is going on in a guys
1-0 in the preseason affair at LaValle come in the 55th minute. Collecting an issues. head. They relate to men because of
Stadium. The visitors would hold off outswinging cross from the right, their love of women which gives them
the Seawolves following a goal by Sebastian Vi l l a ’s one-timer would be lots to talk about, (hint, hint: “Hey
O’Brian White late in the match. brilliantly denied off a diving stop. Dear Ilyssa, check her out, she’s out of this world”).
“ We played a quality team tonight UConn would finally score in the As for me, I have lot of male friends,
and we hung with them step by step. We 80th minute off an unmarked W h i t e . Why do all lesbians hate men? straight, gay, and bisexual (greedy –
had our opportunities and so did they,” White’s shot from 8 yards out would hit only applies to men bisexuals though)
stated Seawolves head coach Cesar the far left post and bounce in, leaving S i n c e re l y, and I love them all dearly.
Markovic. no chance for Skoblicki to make the Curious Joe The point I want you to take home
The home side would have the major- save. from this all jokes aside, is that stereo-
ity of possession for the duration of the The Huskies would hold off a barrage Dear Curious Joe, types are bullshit. Certain people hate
first half, while the Huskies bunkered of attacks by Stony Brook in the final other groups of people for all sorts of
and waited for the counter. minutes. Stereotypes, stereotypes, stereotypes. d i fferent reasons and it is very un-cool
Stony Brook would threaten first in “I was satisfied with how our players We all hate to love them but still love to to place people in categories based on
the 17th minute. Michael Palacio’s left played against a team of UConn’s qual- hate them. I think it is a myth to say labels and biases. Now I know you are
footed shot from 26 yards out would ity, which is definitely a top ten team in that all lesbians hate men. In fact most all sitting there wondering, “Ilyssa, did-
sail just wide of the right post. the country,” said Markovic. lesbians that I know don’t hate men at n ’t you just stereotype lesbians into all
The visitor’s would come with a The two teams would face each other all. Yes, there are always exceptions in d i fferent categories and now your going
series of threats later on, with the first again for the regular season on the 2nd either direction so I will respond to this to turn around and say that stereotypes
threat coming in the 33rd minute. of September in Connecticut. question in a few different ways. are bullshit? Way to be a hypocrite.”
O’Brian W h i t e ’s shot towards the empty “Some of the freshmen played partic- First off, you have your man-hating Yes, I did place lesbians into diff e r-
net would be flicked over the bar by a ularly well today. Sebastian Villa and lesbians. However, do not confuse the ent stereotypical categories, but I did it
sprinting Yahaya Musa. Just a minute Diego Acero both played well,” men- man-haters with the feminist lesbians, for a reason: I did it show you fools
l a t er, UConn nearly took the lead once tioned Markovic. “Michael Palacio unless you are willing to take on an how stupid and ignorant it is to stereo-
again. Robert Brickley’s shot of 5 yards also played well as usual. Our two cen- angry mob getting ready to beat you type people into different categories.
out from a tough angle would sail wide tral defenders (Yahaya Musa and over the head with their Ani DiFranco Re-read this over from the beginning
to the far post. Mahamadou Simpara) were very good, C D ’s. (Oops, did I just play into a when you’re done and really think
Stony Brook’s goalkeeper Rich as well as, James Palumbo on the left stereotype?). Not all feminists are man- about how stupid I sound calling some
Skoblicki would continue to manage side.” haters and not all man-haters are femi- lesbians man-haters and some lesbians
the shutout for the first half by parrying nists. Most lesbians who hate men do tomboys and so forth. You’ll realize it
not hate them just because they do not not only sounds bad, but it i s bad.
enjoy their equipment. They hate them I hope everyone reading this takes it
because they have been a victim of with them and thinks really hard about
some kind of sexual assault. This is not all of the people they stereotype without
to say that all women who are victims even being conscience of doing it and
of a sexual assault hate men or to say realize how stupid it actually makes
that women who are victims of sexual them look. So the next time you go to
assaults are all lesbians (just wanted to stereotype someone before you meet
make sure I covered all my bases, but I them, get to know them, and pass judg-
think you are getting my point). ment on them, remember what your
The fact is that some women who mother always told you: “If you don’t
were raped, molested, or sexually have anything nice to say, don’t say it at
abused do become lesbians because all.”
they never feel safe with a man and
these are the majority of lesbians who Until next time,
are man-haters, but that is not always Ilyssa
the case. Some lesbians never had a
stable male figure in their life growing
up and therefore just do not trust men Please Note: The views and opinions
w h a t s o e v e r, which leads to their hatred. expressed in this column are solely the
Remember these are all just generaliza- views and opinion of one member of the
tions, so what is true for one person LG B T community and are not necessar-
may not necessarily be true for another, ily the views and opinions of the Stony
but this group of man hating lesbians is Brook LGBTA group and/or the LGBT
actually generally small. c o m m u n i t y.
17
The Not-So Guerilla Radio
with students aren’t given peak hours with getting approval by the PDAC,” she said.
larger audiences. The club’s charter states that the
While there are some student-held “Program Council is responsible for plan-
showtimes during the day, the bulk of ning, for coordinating, and for carrying out
these positions are held by alumni, and, programs and operations within policies
even more regularly, various community established by the Executive Board.” The
members; the aforementioned Buddy Program Council consists of the Executive
Merriam is exemplary of this. Worse yet, Board (the four officers), as well as the
older members have been known to ‘squat’ u n d e rgraduate student staff members.
in their schedule positions, insistent of Despite this, the weight of the PDAC is
their status at the station regardless of rooted in the structure of the club, as off i-
incoming DJs or relevant circumstances. cer positions are appointed in large part by
“There’s been issues with time slot squat- the council. For the coming year’s elec-
ting,” said Rosen. tions, out of sixteen prospective votes,
Many of the squatting DJs are members nine are members of the PDAC. Three of
of the station’s PDAC, or the Program the remaining seven are former club off i-
Jamie Freiermuth Directors Advisory Council. The PDAC is cers still currently on staff. Fox has said
China Blue, one of the few student-run programs on WUSB, rocks the 9 PM spot Sundays. comprised of former program directors that PDAC members have suggested the
still active on staff. The purpose of the station sway away from student involve-
By Bryan Hasho one of the most established and diverse group, according to Isobel Breheny- ment to further their goal of being a more
___________ free-form radio stations in the region. The Schafer, the station’s second-year general professional radio station.
Steven Snyder's piece "Something spe- station is going on 45 years now; it’s 30th manager, is to serve as a support group for Asked if he could and would make crit-
cial on the air," was featured in the enter- anniversary as an FM station is coming the current program director, Vincent ical scheduling renovations, Festa said,
tainment section of April 19th's Newsday. this June. In it’s heyday, WUSB show- Michael Festa. Their alternate purpose, “[I] could do it, but before I would make
Maintaining the paper's surface-scratch- cased many prominent rock artists, often- claims Fox, is to push the direction of the any major decisions like that of course I
ing, fluff-filled reputation, Snyder told the times on air. Jimi Hendrix’s appearance on station in the board’s preferred direction. would consult my PDAC.”
tale of the changing face of college radio, the station is legendary. “Christina and Mike [PDAC members] “That’s really what it’s about. The uni-
most notably 90.1, WUSB. The station is mainly funded by the are a dastardly duo and exert a lot of con- versity wants control over what it owns.
Snyder described the station's past, con- USG—meaning it’s funded by Stony trol,” said Fox. He claims that at least That radio station is a huge piece of uni-
descendingly narrating the progression Brook’s student activity fee. For the 2007- three students this year have gone through versity history…it’s been around since the
from a station full of "vinyl-spinning, pot- 2008 school year, WUSB was allocated six months of training, submitted a demo ‘70s…it’s a property of the university. You
smoking, war-protesting jocks," to its cur- over $73,000, making them the second tape, and heard no word back in regards to know, the Stony Brook Foundation has a
rent stature, mature and diverse. most funded club on campus and the recip- a show. “I was asked on several occasions part in it,” said Rosen. “The first thing I
Amidst all the familiar Newsday hot air, ient of over nine percent of total USG by the three students what was going on, said was that the Board of Directors of
a sole sentence makes up the fifth para- resources. In addition, the club was but I had no control in programming and SBU oversees the rules of the radio sta-
graph, where Snyder professed, "College awarded a $15,00 grant last year to pur- had no answers.” tion.”
radio has grown up." Unintentionally, he chase new equipment. Despite those assertions and manipula- What is undisputed is that, for the most
was actually correct. The station, as well There is a concern that the number of tive implications, the fact exists that the part, students are dissatisfied with much of
as the DJs, has grown up. In fact, some students involved in the club is far from program director has final say on all the programming, yet the USG
might say it's not a student-run radio sta- reflected in the amount of money received scheduling decisions. Although he wants Constitution notes “students served by the
tion anymore. from the collective undergraduate fee. to give as many students as possible a funded activities of the club” as a primary
It's 6 PM on a Wednesday night. The According to WUSB Treasurer and host of legitimate opportunity, Festa is aware of justification for receiving funding.
campus is altogether pretty vibrant. The I m p u l s e, Danny Rosen, there are currently his PDAC influence. “I might be too The station has said that currently there
Roth Regatta is coming up, and students fourteen students on the air and nine reliant on the PDAC,” he said. In support, are a lot of intriguing spots for students on
seem pretty relaxed; there are a few weeks demos pending. The number of inquiries Breheny-Shafer has stated her desire for the schedule. “I want to give more stu-
until finals start to hit. It's peak hours for to join the station, however, is a cause for the program director to take control. “I’ve dents the opportunity,” said Festa.
campus radio, as the bulk of classes are optimism. “At the involvement fair last been against [Vince] making decisions by
over and many students are making their year, 110 students gave us their email
way home. addresses,” said Rosen. Unfortunately,
In WUSB land, however, it's Bluegrass rarely do those inquiries result in con-
Time. For the next two hours, Stony tributing staff, as the training process and
Brook listeners are treated to 54-year-old succeeding months in overnight slots
Buddy Merriam's "best in traditional and proves overwhelming. “Students don’t
contemporary bluegrass." SBU-TV's have the push to do it,” said Rosen.
Brandon Blinderman was asked what he This isn’t the case with all students.
would enjoy listening to on Wednesdays at According to Nick Fox, the recently
six o'clock. "Anything but bluegrass," he resigned Vice President of WUSB, many
said. students who make it through the process
All together, out of 110 unique shows aren’t given a deserved opportunity. Even
on WUSB's schedule, current students host some experienced student DJs at the sta-
eleven—one out of every ten hosts are stu- tion currently broadcast from post-mid-
dents. Out of those eleven, four are on night hours. Oftentimes the overnight
between midnight and 6 AM. hours actually coordinate with the content
Despite its current Country Kitchen of the show, but more common is the case
ensemble, WUSB has a rich tradition as Jamie Freiermuth
that shows which are exceedingly popular Free Ad for WUSB
18
Kids On the Radio
By Jonathan Singer sional news credentials while reporting in shows that are fully produced by students.
___________ the field. “They report side by side with Both FUV and RHU classify themselves
the other New York Radio Stations,” says as public radio stations, meaning that
Broadcasting from Fordham on air personality John Platt, meaning that while some of their funding comes from
University, WFUV’s signal, located at FM students who volunteer at FUV have the the university where their transmitter is
90.7, is strong enough to reach Suffolk, chance to work on the same level as jour- located, the majority of the money comes
Fairfeld, Westchester, and Bergen coun- nalists from news stations WCBS and from listeners. “We're just like WFUV,”
ties. The station has become famous for WINS. Other students work alongside says Reddington, “we just so happen to be
serving a niche audience, bringing artists professionals in music production, engi- student run.”
like Cat Empire, The Decemberists, and neering, and membership promotion. WFNP is a student club, and all of their
Yo La Tengo to the lucrative New York “They get a sense of what it is like work- funding comes from SUNY New Paltz's
Metropolitan Area radio market. ing in a New York radio station,” says mandatory student activity fee. The school
FUV is a professionally run public Platt. has ways of keeping costs down. FNP's
signal has an impressive 60-mile radius,
according to Light. The school does this
by sharing a transmitter at the top of
Mount Illinois with WRHV, a classical
music station based in Poughkeepsie.
During the day, FNP is heard on cam-
Where
pus television and on their global webcast.
FM broadcasts at 88.7MHz commence at
Is
7 pm on weekdays and 10PM at week-
ends. They last until 5 am, when the sta-
tion resumes it's programming via the
Internet.
FUV, RHU, and FNP all stream simul-
Your
casts on their websites. In the case of FNP,
more than half of the day's programming God
Now
is online. Light knows about Hofstra’s
Jamie Freiermuth
infamous training regiment, but training at
?
Fitter, happier, more productive... his station is less stringent. With no FCC
radio station. National news is pumped in “Some administrations don’t want kids rules governing Internet radio broadcasts,
from NPR, and only 5% of the station’s running the station in fear of them screw- the risks of production are less than the
funding comes from Fordham University, ing it up,” says WRHU DJ Greg Overhuls. risks involved in terrestrial radio wave
where the station’s studios are located With FCC violations available for count- propagation.
(they don't pay rent). The rest comes from
the government (10%), Corporate
less offenses, putting young adults on the
airwaves is an enormous risk. That’s why
Original programming on RHU
includes Aggressive Edge, “Long Island's
Union
Underwriting (20-25%), and contributions
from listeners (operators are standing by).
Hofstra puts their students through a rigor-
ous semester long training course before
only living hard and heavy commercial
free metal show.” Other shows on the sta- 060
Weds
The fact that it’s a non-profit organization they can even qualify to go on the air. tion feature punk, ska, and house music.
makes the 60+ mile broadcast radius even Reddington says that 300 students sign “We have 42 different music formats, and
@
more impressive. up for the program, and only 40 end up on nobody else in the Long Island area is
But Kathleen Reddington is confused. the radio. Those who pass score over 90% playing Punk Rock,” says Reddington.
As the station manager of Hofstra’s on a written test and a technical exam. But playing punk rock is a risk in itself.
WRHU, she is completely surrounded by
students. Not only are RHU DJs students,
“It’s really important that we don’t just let
anyone on the air,” says Reddington. “We
“You can’t really have these niche markets
when it costs money for an FCC license,”
1 PM
but most of the executive board is made make it so we know we’re not taking a says Overhuls.
up of students, and the programming, all risk.” Both Reddington and Platt call their
24 hours of it, is produced by Hosftra WRHU’s signal has a radius of about student programs career training paths.
University students. “If you think about 35 miles. “[A college radio station] isn’t Platt admits that his station isn’t the best
it,” says Reddington, “it’s a college radio just inside the schools,’ says Overhuls, place for an aspiring Disk Jockey, but for
station.” who hosts The Ska Show at 7PM on other positions, “[There’s] probably no
She can't understand why FUV decides Mondays. ” It sends a message to the better place to learn that WFUV.” Here’s
to put professional on air talent in place of world.” the trade off: WFUV is judged up against
student DJs for most of the station's pro- New York City and Long Island schools commercial radio stations in a lucrative
grams. Some of those DJ, like Daren are located in what is arguably the largest market. But the Hofstra University School
Devivo and Dennis Elsas, are real New radio market in the nation, meaning that a of Communications offers an underg r a d u-
York radio icons, at least among adults Fordham University radio show is broad- ate degree in Audio/Radio Production.
age 25-54 years old, the demographic that cast to millions of people in the New York Overhuls, who is a sophomore in this pro-
the station's content is aimed at. Tri-State Area. Platt observes that other gram, had to work 3 am shifts the second
FUV does have student involvement, college stations in major cities have adopt- semester of his freshman year.
even though after considering the factors, ed the status of NPR affiliate, like Boston During one 3 am shift during his first
it technically isn't a college radio station. University's WBUR, and The University winter break, Overhuls was in the studio
There is a student staff of about 70, and of Pennsylvania's WXPN. playing The Phenomenauts when the CD
most of them work behind the scenes, 85 miles north of Fordham, SUNY New started skipping. He realized the error and
some of them working as News Reporters. Paltz student Tim Light is laughing at the quickly changed over to another song,
Being employed by a major New York situation downstate. His station, WFNP, sending the blooper out to all of Nassau
City Media outlet gives Fordham Radio broadcasts artists like The 88, Kaiser County. Then I asked him how many peo-
students the opportunity to receive profes- Cheifs, and Arcade Fire, all featured on ple were listening. “No one,” he said.
www.analogskateboard.blogspot.com
19
For LI’s Iconic Ruins,
The End of an Era ... And Then Some
By Brian Wasser employees and 14,000 patients spread out But the history of these places isn’t so one- es with each threat to its existence. This is
___________ over almost 2,000 acres. The other two sided. For many, such as former NYC pros- the current issue, distilled into one rhetori-
w e r e n ’t far behind, bringing the total num- titutes who had no one to take care of them, cal question, an issue which parallels the
Whenever someone asks me why I like ber of patients to around 40,000. Not only they weren’t jails, but refuges. For a socie- individual philosophies comprising the
exploring abandoned places, I start listing were the buildings immense, so were the ty which tends to shun and hide mental ill- “cult,” for lack of a better word, of those
more reasons than they bargained for. properties. Pilgrim, for example, was so ness, putting them all in one place was the explorers, mostly local high school and
Expanded, the issue is a fairly recent one in large that it reached into four Suffolk town- accepted solution of the day, and probably college students, who find something
terms of human history- the ability to cre- ships - Huntington, Babylon, Smithtown a better solution than the current pharma- worthwhile in the existence of these struc-
ate something whose relative physical and Islip- and had two major state roads ceutical craze, which has resulted in corpo- tures. Exploring these places (places which
immutability surpasses the purpose passing through its bounds. It was a close- rate profits and a pill-popping fanaticism at are not exactly popular to begin with) is,
deemed upon it by the society that contin- knit, self-sufficient community with its the slightest indication of distress.
ues to change at an ever-increasing rate. own police and fire department, courts, Originally, the Long Island asylums were
But pause for a second, and there’s some- post office, LIRR station, power plant, conceived as a new, revolutionary way of
thing unexplainably intriguing about large, library, agricultural fields, livestock, ceme- dealing with patients in New York City -
silent buildings considered useless by tery, water tower and houses for doctors, send them out to the countryside to get
mainstream society, a place where the past, psychiatrists, and asylum administrators. A fresh air, to work on farms, and to do some-
with all its residual energy, can be experi- vast maze of underground tunnels, still thing with their lives, in a nice setting. In
enced firsthand, without the one-dimen- around today, was used for routing steam many ways, this was a brilliant idea, but it
sional middleman of books, legends and pipes and other utilities. This was indeed quickly became unfeasible as more and
pamphlets. Not to mention the aesthetic the golden age, so to speak, of immense, more patients came, and the nature of the
appeal of buildings that time and nature are state-run facilities, with some pretty inter- “farm colonies” evolved from fresh air and
slowly reclaiming. No flashy colors, no esting architecture to boot. farmland, to large complexes with small
advertisements, just the worn edges and All this may sound a bit morbid, consid- cells housing patients who were routinely
muted tones of old boards, crumbling brick ering the unhappy nature of these places. experimented upon, in the middle of an
and organic decay, the haphazard, illogical Anyone who has walked these grounds encroaching suburbia, an encroachment
bridge between human society and the nat- knows the feeling of the energy (not which is playing out to this day.
ural world. On a philosophical level, it’s always negative) still in the atmosphere. With all this to consider, with this Brian Wasser
something to be cherished, not feared and Many people, for example, have admitted intense history saturating the air, not to first and foremost, punishable by jail time.
rejected as a profitless nuisance, not some- that in Pilgrim, it feels like someone is mention the sheer number of people who But they are still intrigued, and people con-
thing to be destroyed and forgotten in a fit always watching you, and Building 93 at have died in these places over the years tinue to ask: what’s so fun about exploring
of societal A.D.D. The real nuisances are Kings Park is a nationally reknown para- (about one per day at Pilgrim), what could these places?
the cheap excuses used to downplay what normal hotspot. This isn’t surprising, con- be the appeal of these places? Why not One reason: If something is illegal but
old architecture represents. The real eye- not immoral, you will be well off to do it if
sores are the strip malls and the condos you think you will enjoy it in any case.
which replace them. These are the current Chances are it has been deemed illegal by
issues facing the largest old landmarks here some old guy in a suit with ED who has
on Long Island. long since forgotten how to have fun. If
This replacement, in the name of you see a sign that says “No Trespassing,”
progress, is what has been happening, for remember that the Judeo-Christian defini-
at least the past ten years, to arguably the tion of evil has always been synonymous
most notorious of all American ruins - the with disobedience. Fences are meant to be
three Long Island psychiatric centers. hopped. The only offense you will commit
Looking at a map of Long Island, the “Big is to disregard the “conventional wisdom”
Three” form a line down the center of the that exists to stifle your natural instincts to
island. The oldest, Kings Park Psychiatric playfully satisfy your curiosity about the
Center, first established in 1885, is located world. Monuments of business, and the
near the mouth of the Nissequogue River parking lots that insulate them, have con-
and still has many of its buildings still fiscated our commons. Mansions have
standing. Central Islip Psychiatric Center, stolen our views of the coast (case in point,
built shortly afterwards, has almost entire- Old Field and Belle Terre). You know, the
ly been replaced by condos, shopping cen- things that eat your imagination.
ters, office buildings, courthouses, a sports Unfortunately, many people go through life
stadium, a golf course and NYIT. Pilgrim oblivious to the countless, free wonders
Brian Wasser
State, built in 1929 in Brentwood to relieve around them, and instead fall into the pat-
overcrowding at the other two, was the sidering the number and nature of these demolish these symbols, pretend they were terns of consumption which validate the
largest hospital of any kind in the world. To enormous, multi-story, sagging buildings never there, and make something happy selling of their time to their boss. Too many
this day, Pilgrim’s size has never been with endless legends and phenomena with- and plastic, like homes and businesses? of us only notice the safe and sanitized
exceeded by any other facility. In fact, the in their walls. These places were home to This must have been the thought going things that come with a banner of solicita-
three largest such facilities in history are people with all kinds of mental and physi- through the minds of the Wolkoff family tion, a price tag and a temporary glimpse of
listed, in order, as Pilgrim State, Central cal illnesses, from TB to schizophrenia to when they tore down 20 immense build- comfort. No wonder we feel let down as
Islip and King’s Park, all on Long Island, supposed Renfield syndrome. They were ings at Pilgrim State to make way for the we amble through the maze.
all within mere miles of each other. These lobotomized, insulin and electric shocked Heartland Business Center and Industrial Another validation of these places is an
vast, state-run institutions, now a decen- and sometimes, according to anecdotes, Park. Not that it makes much of a differ- aesthetic value like no other. For an artist
tralized shell of their former selves, domi- abused by guards. There were even ence to them, but, as the saying goes, one (not just traditional art, but art in all senses
nated the landscape and the economy of German and Japanese prisoners of war. For man’s trash will always be another’s treas- of the word - artists of living, of exploring,
the area. Pilgrim, at its post-War peak in many, these institutions were prisons ure, and in Kings Park, especially, we have
Continued on next page
the early 1950s, topped out at 4,000 through which they were herded everyday. the jackpot, one whose value only increas-
20
For LI’s Iconic Ruins (...continued)
Continued from previous page It's basically just a good time,” says Adam, more rationale theories associated with intense mode of experience. More danger-
of freethinking… you know, the people from Medford. other such Long Island facilities as Camp ous, yes. But that’s only half the story. T h e
who’d have been institutionalized), a place Yet it’s not always about the rush. T h e r e Hero. Regardless, there’s no denying that rest is to see something rare, something
like this feels like home. Finally, some- is adventure to be had, but there is also a we are shaped by what we experience, that can be considered profound and inter-
thing remotely interesting, as groups like calming energy here which in many ways including such things as private property, esting, something three-dimensional,
“Ars Subterranea” understand. Places few complements the eerieness. Such a feeling which acts as a sort of psychological con- something which most people only see on
other people see. For photographers, it’s is basically impossible to find on Long ditioning whereby we feel like we have no screens, something which screens, dare I
the ultimate place to discover and create Island and it is in many respects more pro- place in society unless we have a physical say, cannot capture.
new subjects. Outside and in, these places found than the peacefulness of a complete- place of our own. There’s no room for But there are many historical reasons
are beautiful in their own way, and often ly natural landscape. “I think Kings’ Park explorers (urban or rural) or vagabonds, why these places evolved from the bustling
more so than most things anyone will ever is a very beautiful place to be,” says a fan. especially since we are partly conditioned necessities they once were, to the ruinous
come across. “Looking around at how the “It's very tranquil and beautiful, and when- also to think that temporal (in addition to sources of inspiration they now are. First
buildings were left, some places are still ever I feel bad, a trip to the water tower by spatial) movement needs to have some set and foremost has been the continual devel-
fully furnished as if the people just got up, myself is so relaxing and the view is amaz- goal (usually monetary). There’s no room opment and increased dispersal of psychi-
walked away and never came back,” says ing. Very surreal during a full moon, and for chaos, illogical or non-linear thinking, atric medication (Thorazine being the
one Kings Park explorer. In general it is a nothing is better that sitting on a roofto-p so the result is that, in a sense, we are pat- first), a trend which actually coincided
blatant representation of what all artistic with the sun or moonlight shining. I love terned to carry out our lives, and our con- with the obsolescence of the agricultural
ways of living should embody: something sciousness, in very narrow, prepackaged, nature of the colonies, and which goes
new, something to be uncovered, some- uninspiring and uninspired grid-like hand-in-hand with the recent rise of priva-
thing to work towards seeing, something Yet it’s not always about the avenues. There is nowhere to go but along tization. Cultural phenomena have played
that brings you to a different place, some- the road to selling your time, your life, their part, resulting in the cliché of mental
thing that moves you, something that is
rush. There is adventure to be your adventures, in order to procure your hospitals as the ultimate places for horror
risky, something that you will remember, had, [...] in many ways com - space, to feel like you belong in a society movies. Other books and films portrayed
something by which you don’t have to con- which has completely dissolved the com- the potential for inhumane treatment of the
cede any aspect of your imagination, some- plements the eerieness. ponent of communality and adventure mentally ill. Regardless, by the early 90s,
thing that is both transient and symbolic, (which really go hand-in-hand). Creativity Kings’ Park was operating as a ghost of its
and yes, something that is above descrip- is reduced into predictable forms and hob- former self, with many buildings being
tion. And besides, sleek equals boring; the whole place and get this weird feeling bies, leisure and work become poles on the shut down or reduced in usage. The trend
when all the predictable modern office like no other everytime I visit. It’s beauti- same monotonous magnet (subject to par- was nation-wide, though nowhere more
buildings are abandoned, when the office fully sad and draws you in even while allel rules, norms and boundaries), and drastic. In 1996, Central Islip and Kings’
parks of Melville comprise a decaying being forbidden.” Buildings have personal- those momentary glimpses of something Park closed, and the remaining patients
landscape rather than a maze of enraged ity just like people. And as the saying goes, more fun get quantified and swallowed up went to what was left of Pilgrim. And so, as
agenda culture, no one will have as much still waters often run deep. into the obsession with the practical. with everything, changes in the landscape
fun exploring them. Glass doesn’t age as There is also a more philosophical So, naturally, there are people who stop reflect changes in the way we think, as
beautifully as brick. And, in many ways, rationale for exploring, and for the “let it and think that, maybe, “space” should be much as, if not more than, landscape
this modern obsession with renovated per- be” position on at least some buildings in taken back, that it should not be owned or a ffects the way we live. Nothing, especial-
manance, in the form of never letting any- society. The general Urban Exploration used for the purposes of reducing human ly on a finite island whose projected
thing age or disappear (including our- and psychogeographic rationale, especially spontaneity and exploration. To picnic in “build-out” is within less than a decade,
selves), is the antithesis of Art with a capi- relevant on Long Island, was originally unfamiliar landscapes, or in familiar land- can be left for very long, lest it be a nui-
tal A, that which is one and the same with conceived by the Situationists, a group of scapes in unfamiliar ways, is the first step sance or a hazard to “quality of life” by
everyday life. As Alan Watts said, “the French intellectuals associated with the towards experimenting on better ways of those who see bums, wanderers, loiterers
paintings are vanishing into the walls: but 1968 student revolts, who critiqued the feeling alive. To satisfy your thirst for at and skaters as eyesores. Last year, New
they will be marvellous walls. In turn, the ways in which modern society reduced least some kind of adventure in a society York State bowed to the fears of the sur-
walls will vanish into the landscape: but human creativity, spontaneity and adven- that leaves very little room for it, especial- rounding community and aborted the sale
the view will be ecstatic. And after that the ture into boring patterns and routines, con- ly for those without disposable income, is of the Kings Park property to
viewer will vanish into the view.” verting us into drones raised and educated to begin to feel like you’re not entirely pas- Cherokee/Arker Companies. But it’s only a
Another reason to explore is simply the as such to be mere validations for institu- sive. This is the philosophy behind explor- matter of time before other “ecstatic
rush. “It's an adrenaline rush. Just like tions and prevailing paradigms. They ing abandoned places. They seem so point- views” must be sought, so get there while
speeding, doing drugs, breaking some- focused on breaking out of the constraints less, but for the time being, it doesn’t mat- you still have the chance…but be respect-
thing, it's a high almost. Also exploring of the “machine,” but also on finding con- ter…and that’s where the fun lies. It’s the ful.
new things is fun. You get to see off limit tinuously evolving and self-reinventing same thing as doing something completely So as it goes, the forces of attention
things that no one else gets to see. The tun- methods of transcending and seizing the unexpected, or just spending a day wander- deficit developmental disorder- and their
nels amaze me. Almost like an under- “everyday.” Noticing how we are shaped ing aimlessely… it’s a sort of transcen- quantifying siblings, Economics and
ground city that could exist for 100 years and put in our place by everything from ads dence from the routine. You know, some- Politics- are slowing making their way
and no one ever know about. I really can't to the physical layout of cities, and thing more than the empty, gentrified through these sleeping walls faster than
even begin to explain it.” says Sean, of addressing those forces directly became a excursion played out by the citizens of water ever could, rendering more prescient
Kings Park. perpetually evolving art form. Envisioning domestic practicality and town-tied itiner- the experiences of those who have, one
Other explorers share similar sentiments ways to take our lives and our cities back ary. way or another, been crazy enough to
of the indescribable feeling of escaping, of and make them exciting, became a daily These reasons explained, if I had to behold them. Soon we will be left only
venturing into the unknown in the midst of practice. Simply put, our surroundings choose, I’d take a nice forest over asbestos with the adventure stories, the YouTube
a society where everything is known, stud- mold our thoughts. Especially in modern and crumbling morgues any day. But that’s videos, and such lines as these from
ied, reported or quantified. The place is an times, everything that is built is built with not to deny the fascinating nature of these G i n s b e rg: “I’ve seen the best minds of my
escape, where, seeing time suddenly this in mind. Companies make their offices places. Perhaps the fascination stems from generation destroyed by madness…who
stopped, one’s own curiosity becomes tan- in a way that subconsciously increases pro- their transience, the bittersweet token of were given the concrete void of insulin
gible. Seeing what most others can’t or ductivity on the inside, while deterring nui- those who are neither historical preserva- Metrazol electricity hydrotherapy psy-
won’t, seeing what was left behind, finding sances like “loitering” on the outside. On a tionists nor developers (though one is bet- chotherapy occupational therapy pingpong
remnants of the past, discovering history; larger scale, cities (and society in general) ter than the other). In other words, these and amnesia,…returning years later to the
considering all the risks, “It’s a rush being are laid out, whether intentionally or not, places were abandoned only recently, and visible mad man doom of the wards of the
where you’re not supposed to be and see- so as to induce us into certain behaviors soon they will either cease to be abandoned madtowns of the East, Pilgrim State’s
ing what is behind a boarded up window. over time. This has implication for the or simply cease to be. This is the window foetid halls, bickering with the echoes of
You meet a lot of new people from it too. types of mind control that comprise the of time which inspires a slightly more the soul…
21
FSA Holds Meal Plan Informational
Compiled by Jowy Romano
___________
This past Wednesday, April 25th, the

FSA (Faculty Student Association) hosted
a meal plan informational in the SAC.
Several matters were discussed, including
the facility renovations at the Union and
Roth, next years dining hours, and future
plans for both FSA and the campus food
provider, Chartwells.
The event suffered a very low turnout,
likely due to its time slot, which was in the
middle of Campus Life Time. We, at The
Press, feel it is important to share with our
readers not only what we learned, but, in
addition, many of actual documents FSA
Chartwells Where the hell
handed out at the event. Over the next few only made
pages you will find these documents along does this
$518,725? $3 million go?
with some highlighted statistics we feel are
especially note-worthy.
Meal Plan Informational: Conclusions

informational was the addition of a new meal plan which includes a fee
What everyone Facilities Fee next semester. On top of of $25. Others, who pay cash,
the existing fee, which every residential are charged no fee on top of
with a meal plan meal plan includes, there will be a $27 the regular cost of food items.
FSA Facilities Fee. This fee, we are The question this leaves is:
should know told, will go straight toward facility ren-
ovation efforts such as those planned for
why are campus residents the
ones that must bear the burden
By Jowy Romano Roth Cafeteria. of ensuring Chartwells’ profit
___________ through the Facilities Fee?
FSA must find a way to dis - The FSA and the other admin-
Not too long ago, The Pre s s p u t istrators present said that there
together a large feature dealing with
tribute this burden equally is no good way to charge com-
concerns regarding the campus food amongst everyone... muters this fee and that this
services called “The Meal Plan Spread.” has been a problem they have
In it, we discussed a history of extreme- been trying to deal with for a
ly high prices, going back multiple food When we learned about this, we had long time. FSA must find a
providers. Because of the vicious cycle to ask: if this fee is going towards the way to distribute this burden
that seemed to go hand-in-hand with renovations, then where does the other equally amongst everyone pur-
these large corporations, The Pre s s sug- Facilities Fee go? The answer is: chasing food on campus if they
gested that the system should be totally straight to Chartwells. The fee appar- want to create a fair system.
restructured, and the facilities should be ently helps them break even. According Students should also be
rented out to smaller businesses, creat- to the 2005-2006 Profit and Loss aware that the cost of residen-
ing competition and ultimately lowering Statement, found on the next page, tial meal plans and the
prices. When we brought this up at the Chartwells would be losing money Facilities Fee, along with all open 24 hours a day on weeknights and
informational, the first thing said by the without this fee. The administrators the food prices, will be facing a contrac- the SAC will now be open till 10pm on
present administrators was that bringing present admitted that the name of the tual 3% increase next year. This brings weeknights. Tabler Café will off e r
multiple businesses on campus would Facilities Fee is misleading. the cheapest meal plan available to resi- additional food choices, as well as hours
likely raise prices—the same thing According to the same Profit and dents, the Bronze Plan, to $1500 per extended to midnight.
President Shirley Strum Kenny said Loss Statement, Chartwells made semester. The informational was indeed quite
when we brought this up to her in a pre- $518,725 in profits between September Another topic discussed at the event informative. As I have covered the meal
vious interview. 14th, 2005 and August 31st, 2006. This was the renovations at the Roth Quad plan in the past for The Pre s s, it is safe to
The other response we got regarding is a number much lower than one might Cafeteria. The dining hall is scheduled say that I have an above-average knowl-
this matter was from Peter Baigent, expect given the extremely high food to be closed from May 2007-September edge of the campus’ food situation. The
Vice President for Student Affairs. He prices along with the substantial 2008 for extensive renovations. event clarified a lot and answered many
said that smaller businesses tend to go Facilities Fee. According to FSA, the total cost of the of my questions. They actually did a
out of business more easily, so the uni- To preface the next point, here are project will be over $11 million. The decent job of informing the attendees,
versity uses the larger food vendors in some facts about the Facilities Fee. administrators insisted that such a cost- but the fact that even I, being more
order to prevent a situation where part This year the fee was $270 for all resi- ly amount of renovation is necessary to informed on this topic than the average
of the campus loses food service. dential meal plans. Every student living ensure service and quality in the future. student, had so many questions and
While this answer makes a lot more in a non-cooking building (most build- Again, you be the judge. doubts in the first place is quite alarm-
sense than the previous, it still isn’t ings are not cooking buildings) on cam- A result of the Roth renovations will ing. It means FSA is not doing enough
completely satisfying. You be the judge pus must purchase a residential meal be extended hours at many of the other to inform students. If they have nothing
of this one. plan. Commuters and apartment resi- dining halls on campus—most notably to hide, then they should do more to
Something else we learned at the dents can choose to purchase a special the Kelly Convenience Store will be inform us.
22
Meal Plan Comparison/Roth Renovations
A new facilities
fee. Hurray!
The renovations
in Roth with cost
an estimated
$11 million
23
FSA Budget Information
FSA is planning
on taking out a
$6 million loan
24
Dining Hours Comparison
Kelly will be
open 24 hours
a day!
25
www.kaboomyo.com
26
Errorism
By Nick Eaton speaking) has any idea that perhaps the war In 1990 the United Nations imposed middle of the night and inciting greater vio-
___________ on terror was never intended to combat ter- strict sanctions upon Iraq in the hopes of lence in the streets of your usually calm
rorists. But I digress. The topic of this arti- removing Saddam from power. The plan and quiet neighborhood? The fallacy is
In case you haven't heard, America has cle is not the true reasoning behind the war, was that, according to the New York Times, that terrorists existed in Iraq before the
lost the war on terror. The reason, though, but rather the true solution to terrorism: "By making life uncomfortable for the occupation. The truth is that the terrorists
has been the subject of much debate— money. Iraqi people, [sanctions] would eventually o rganized after troops landed in Iraq. Iraqi
especially between the 2008 presidential It's unfortunate that all parties involved encourage them to remove President terrorism is very different than that of Al
hopefuls. Catch-All Democrats such as are wearing blinders when it comes to solv- Saddam Hussein from power." The issue Qaeda. It has less to do with an organized
Hilary Clinton are attempting to captivate ing the terrorist problem. Bush has walked here is that America fell directly into effort to destroy America and more to do
liberals with anti-war sentiments as well as us down a dead end street and rather than Hussein's hands. By imposing these sanc- with getting America off of their backs and
moderates by painting Iraq as a good inten- doubling back and trying a new road, tions, America gave Saddam the ability to out of their homes. America is the straw
tion but poor execution. Other candidates Democrats have decided to take a seat on point to America as the greedy foreign that broke the camel's back.
prefer to look ahead. They express the curb right beneath the bright yellow power who was ruining life for the Iraqi Understanding that, what is the solu-
remorse for the troops and Iraqi civilians "Dead End" sign. It's as if they feel that people. He was able to displace much of tion? The solution is to become the good
yet refuse to condemn the officials who this road was the only road to victory. T h e his own blame onto America, creating an guys again. The solution is to become
knowingly mislead the public. Only a frac- good news here is that this is not a one-way anti-American sentiment among the Iraqi diplomatic and generous. The solution is
tion of the candidates have chosen to suc- street. With some ingenuity we can create people. The extreme poverty and deaths to form an international community dedi-
cinctly denounce the war, accuse those a new framework for the war on terror that cated to reconstruction in Iraq without the
responsible as well as offer up a solution to encompasses less casualties and results in "This administration treats use of military force. Why is it that
the current conflict. Mike Gravel (D-AK) an Iraqi population that embraces America. Germany has become such a strong democ-
The answer is good old fashion diplomacy. diplomacy as if it were a gift to racy since World War II? The answer is
To quote Christopher Dodd: diplomacy. The way in which the world
“This war was lost the day that our opponents; a sign of weak -
In order to defeat terrorism we must aided Germany in getting it back on its feet
George Bush invaded Iraq on a begin to understand terrorism. Why do ter- ness, not a sign of strength." is the way in which we can win in Iraq.
rorists act the way that they do? What has Christopher Dodd Instead of pumping rounds into Iraq we
fraudulent basis." made them so enraged as to sacrifice their Democrat - Connecticut need to pump funds into its economy.
own lives for a greater cause? It's simple Ironically, this may end up being less cost-
Mike Gravel for the ignorant to point to Islamic extrem- that resulted from the actions of the UN ly than waging war. The terrorists are
Democrat - Arkansas ism and primitive culture as reasons for (which were vigorously supported by the bombing their own towns and killing inno-
devastating terrorist attacks. It's very easy US) fueled the first generation of disgrun- cent civilians only because Americans are
is of the latter group. to claim that America is dealing with mad- tled Iraqis who were nearing their breaking present. If we pull our troops out, apolo-
Here, Gravel has focused not only on the men and that there is no logical solution point. gize for botching the campaign and redeem
main reason behind the loss of the Iraq war, except to eradicate them. It's harder, What would push the Iraqi people over ourselves by actually attempting to end ter-
but also on the solution. It's on the tips of though more sincere, to point to terrorism the edge? Perhaps continued accusations rorism we may have a chance to reclaim
everyone's tongue, but no one (not even as a somewhat logical response to foreign of ties to terrorist organizations? Increased our status in the international community
Gravel) has had the sense to say it aloud. pressures on an already chaotic and impov- racism towards Arabic people as a result of again. It will be much easier to track down
"George W. Bush and the current adminis- erished country. This is not to absolve the Islamophobia and generally anti-Muslim terrorists when there aren't explosions
tration has never had the intention of perpetrators nor to decriminalize terrorism, media coverage? How about, I don't know, going off at every corner. It will be much
defeating global terrorism." While this but rather to understand that if the reason- the country that you believe crippled your easier to track down individuals when the
may appear obvious to some, the public ing behind terrorism is foreign pressure country's economy in the first place invad- people in the neighborhood aren't afraid. It
merely has the idea that Bush Jr. has then foreign pressure obviously is not the ing and kicking your doors down? Taking will be much easier to rebuild Iraq with the
botched the campaign. No one (generally answer. your brothers, fathers and uncles in the Iraqis and the world on our side.
Rally Against the Supreme Court Ruling

By Anna Aguilar the Stony Brook Union. what you guys have.” rally said “It’s not right. It’s the woman’s
___________ The rally stated out slow, with very little “We have to express ourselves,” said Grace choice. It goes against women’s rights.”
rallying going on. The student who volun- Welsh, President of the Mid-Suffolk division A female student, who wished to be anony-
On Wednesday --April 18th the Supreme teered to collect signatures for the petitions of NOW. “It’s sad there aren’t more people mous, said “It’s a good effort, but I don’t think
Court upheld the Congressional law banning went straight to work asking just about every- here.” it did anything.”
certain kinds of known as “partial birth” abor- one who walked by to sign. Those with the “Politicians shouldn’t be making decisions The protesters then created a protest circle
tions. In a 5-4 with the majority decision writ- signs just stood there till one protester took for generals, but it’s ok for doctors,” said chanting, “5-4, 4-5, these decision change
ten by Associate Justice Anthony Kennedy, action and started shouting “Not the church. Karen Weisberg, Assistant Director of lives” and “2, 4, 6, 8, we’re the ones that ovu-
the court found the 2003 Partial Birth Not the state. Women must decide our fate.” Computing Services and friends of the NOW late.” Oddly enough a male protester was the
Abortion Ban to be constitutional. Gina D’Andrea Weatherup, the members. loudest shouter of the last chant.
Associate Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg Community Affairs and Advocacy Manager “I think it’s atrocious that they aren’t con- Before the rally a group of protesters got
wrote the dissent, stating “In candor, the of Planned Parenthood Hudson Peconic, told sidering the women’s health,” said Jeanie together to create signs while eating pizza and
Partial-Birth Abortion Ban Act, and the the group to raise their voices. The rest of the Romero, one of the student volunteers collect- chocolate. Some signs said “Save Roe,”
Court’s defense of it, cannot be understood as protesters then joined in and the next chant ing signatures. “She’s the carrier of the fetus. “This about a choice your choice” and “Not
anything other than an effort to chip away at a they began to shout was,“5-4, 4-5, these deci- It’s great that we’re doing this bit, before they the church not the state! We should decide
right declared again and again by this Court sion change lives.” go too.” their fate!”
— and with increasing comprehension of its News about the rally got out through After the group rallied in front of the Union Once the rally was over, the group head
centrality to women’s lives. A decision of the Facebook and emails. “We’re expecting a big for a little while, they then crossed the street, back to the Union. We have an estimated 100
character the Court makes today should not turnout. Facebook has allowed use to utilize walked up the stairs between the Staller steps to 120 signatures, which is fabulous said
have staying power.” people.” and the Library and made their way to SAC. Weatherup. “The rally was to mobilize any-
A week later on April 25th, a rally spon- Members of the National Organization of Once out side the SAC the group began to one who is pro-choice."
sored by the Wo/Men's and Gender Resource Women (NOW) joined the rally too. “We shout, “Not the church. Not the state. We “I felt the rally was success, there was a
Center and Co-sponsored by Planned wanted for ever to be with people on campus,” decide our fates.” group of vocal supporters and people came
Parenthood Hudson Peconic, was held in said Nora Bourrut, Vice President of the Mid- Spectators watched while they ate their and joined the rally and sign the petition,” said
protest to the Supreme court ruling in front of Suffolk division of NOW. “We didn’t have lunch. Jorge G. a student who watched the Weatherup.
27
Big Problems Come in Small Packages
By Brian Wasser working. It's called Colony Collapse North America, one whose presence has migraine-ooze of electromagnetic hum.
___________ Disorder, when the hive's inhabitants sud- increased exponentially in the past few That ringing in the ears when next to a
denly disappear. And even if they do figure years? The obvious, though still unproven, monitor, that depression one feels after sit-
Everywhere you turn, there’s talk of out a way to artificially pollinate, how culprit is wireless technology. This expla- ting near a dryer for too long, the countless
global warming. There are books, TV does a doubling of food costs sound? nation, which has rapidly gained momen- cases of depression caused by EMF leaks
shows, movies, Congressional hearings, Either way, something is happening, and if tum and convinced skeptics, especially in and around a house (ask the Ghost
endless news articles and conferences the problem isn’t mitigated, we will all since Britain’s announcement, a few Hunters). All that will be the ubiquitous
(though, maybe, not enough). Like Al feel very ominous effects. weeks ago, that it too is experiencing this norm. And get this: I recently saw an ad
Gore says, “At stake is nothing less than Here’s what we know. Late last year, a bizarre phenomenon, is by no means a for a car which surrounds itself with an
the survival of human civilization and the trend of diminishing bee numbers was crackpot theory. Research has long shown EM field to deter dust particles. This is
habitability of the earth for our species.” noticed in the U.S.. Many commercial bee- that bee behavior changes near power lines representative of the defining trend of this
He’s pretty much right, but that’s beside keepers reported finding their hives bereft (for that matter, human behavior does as new century, and if ever there were proof
the point. There’s a problem with such cul- of foraging worker bees, with only the well). A recent study at Landau University that capitalism creates false needs, this
tural phenomena as movies and television queen and the immature insects left. Since found that bees refuse to return to their feature is it! And if ever there will be a pill
networks, which make their decisions then, it has been noticed in Canada, all hives when mobile phones are placed for “OCD,” I hope that car company has to
based on the profitability of widespread over Europe, and Brazil, among other nearby. What’s more, the potential eff e c t subsidize it.
interest, co-opting issues which need to be regions. Billions of bees have vanished, of cell phones on bees has been known There are many other possible reasons
taken very seriously over very long peri- leaving the fields they are supposed to pol- since a study was conducted back in the accounting for declining bee numbers.
ods of time. The issue as a direct event of linate. But even worse, it’s not just bees 90’s. Varroa mites, artificial insemination,
which we must be consistently, immedi- anymore. Other pollinators are dying off If this theory holds water, the current monoculture, climate change, and direct
ately aware of in everyday life becomes as well. crisis has a long list of serious implications stress from over-harvesting are all poten-
somewhat misinterpreted as a trend, even We have also learned that the bees are not even related to bees. For one, it is a tial causes. Theories have even been pro-
if subconsciously. It hollows, becomes disappearing essentially because they are wake up call with regards to the ways we posed that precipitates from chemtrail
cliché, induces cynicism, and fades away getting lost while they are away from their are “invisibly” altering the planet, animals, weather modification experiments for
as a nebulous concept that has nothing to hives. Something is preventing them from and ourselves. Any minimal understanding global warming mitigation (when is the
do with our own reality. One only has to returning. Something is interfering with of the experiments of Nikola Tesla, last time you saw a deep blue sky?) have
note the suggested solutions to see the their navigational systems, which are Wilhelm Reich and those involved in the adversely affected the immune systems of
idiocy of the mainstream contextualizing extremely complex, fascinating and well- High Frequency Active Auroral Research many species. Another, more common the-
of the drama: this momentous threat to the studied. One of their navigational methods Program, for example, shows the alarming ory is the obsessive-compulsive use of
survival of our planet can be solved, they is the use of the Sun’s movement across implications of EM fields on biological pesticides and herbicides, both industrially
suggest, by slight modifications in our the sky, which the bees actually learn dur- clocks, on mood and brain function, and and domestically. Bayer’s imidacloprid,
consumption patterns. Oh, you just bought banned in some countries, has already
a hybrid and energy star light bulbs? Ok, been proven to destroy bee populations. In
you’ve done your part, you’re “green.” It a related fashion, genetically modified
seems to have become simply a matter of crops have likely been affecting the
packaging products, both literally and fig- species with which they come into contact.
uratively, in a green way. H o w e v e r, since natural processes are
Here’s another problem with “mega- incredibly complex, any single event, like
issue” obsession- the trivialization of the the decline of a species, most likely stems
small issues which comprise it, as well as from a myriad of interconnected causes.
all other concerns, related or not. This Whatever they may be, we are seeing an
goes hand in hand with the downplaying immediate threat to our livelihoods. But
of the necessity for changing the way we the problem is that there’s an entire world
think before we change how we buy. The out there which is suffering because of us
trivialization, perhaps, explains why news and 99.9% of the time, it doesn’t affect us
of the latest crisis, and one which we will enough to warrant attention (and where
undoubtedly hear much more about in the would we find the time for that attention
coming years, is being taken so lightly at anyway?). That is why the recent obses-
the present. I mean, after we’ve been told sion with the doomsday scenarios of cli-
over and over that the face of the entire mate change, with all their profitability for
planet is changing too fast for almost all those who are “spreading the word,”
natural systems to adapt (a true statement, seems to be cultivating in us a blasé
by the way), after we’ve fallen into the approach to issues unless they become
shadow of “the only thing that matters,” major, immediate threats to “our” sur-
how important could a bee possibly…be? vival… which is a rather arbitrary and
As it turns out, very. Bees are one of futile distinction.
those universal species whose ecological Indeed, even if this whole thing is just
niche is very predominant, and very far- an alarm, it should perhaps be a lesson to
reaching in its impact on other species, us that everything we do has an effect on
especially us. In fact, bees are “responsi- the “outside” world. And these effects,
ble,” in a way that is irreplaceable, for a more importantly, echo right back towards
large percentage of our diet. In the U.S. ing “childhood.” On overcast days, bees on physical health and immune systems, us. Only when we respect and embrace the
honeybees are used to pollinate more than actually remember the correlation between for both individual organisms and the liv- inescapability and oneness of this transac-
$20 billion worth of produce annually. "If changes in sunlight angles and landmarks ing earth system as a whole. When it tion will we begin to see that the path of
the bee disappeared off the surface of the to navigate their way to and from the hive. comes down to it, all we are is a vibration. “progress” isn’t as simplistic as we’d like
globe, then man would have only four They also calculate distance traveled We have evolved to survive in as specific it to be. Only then will we realize it’s not
years of life left. No more bees, no more based on their energy expenditure, as well an EMF environment as a chemical one, an issue of “bee versus cell phone.” At that
pollination, no more plants, no more ani- as on the “optic flow” of the landscape and we are beginning to see the effects of point only will we be able to start solving
mals, no more man." We will probably be passing across their visual field. Perhaps our manipulation of all three. There’s no these problems, because the more damage
hearing this Einstein quote a lot more in most importantly, the cyclic fluctuations easy solution. If they are the main culprit, we do, the more difficult it will be to
the near future because, guess what, the of Earth's magnetic field are used by bees cell phones aren’t going anywhere, and I progress, as a society, at all. In the mean-
bees are disappearing. In massive num- to maintain their internal clock. It has been doubt anyone will give them up, even if time, the next time a bee stings you…
bers. All around the world. And if this experimentally shown that subtle magnet- they cause brain tumors too. But, hey, I stop, think, and remember… you probably
claim sounds alarmist, if you think this is a ic disturbances can disrupt the bee's time- guess we can all start writing more letters! deserve it, especially if you’re one of those
hyping of the bee’s importance, that it’s keeping abilities among other things. But even if cell phone use is curbed, insecure types who couldn’t possibly leave
just a matter of figuring out some way to Of these, the most likely factor is abnor- there are countless other wireless products the house without your cell and the hands-
artificially pollinate the plants, think mal changes in electromagnetism. And developed every year. As far as we can free earpiece that comes with you every-
again. That’s been tried. For a lot of what what large-scale source of EMF radiation see, it is the future, and we will undoubt- where you go, advertising to the world
we eat, only bees work. And they're not is found predominantly in Europe and edly continue to sink deeper into the how important you are.
28
The Cats of Mirikitani Check out the new AAJ!
By Yina Chun years. It was a emotional journey going
f you have a story to tell, what would back to where a close friend died, his sister
I you say in it? How do you start to tell

someone about a personal story that is
so important, that upon waking up, the last
was separated from him altogether, and he
was forced to renounce his citizenship from
the United States . Their year long journey
thought you had before sleep is all that you was short compare to the homeless roads
think about? In the Cats of Mirikitani, Jimmy traveled by himself, what he has
Grand Master Jimmy Mirikitani at last was seen and what he was able to survive on.
able to tell the world about his story which Today Jimmy lives in a elderly home
has haunted him since the end of World War on 46th street and 10th avenue in the mid-
II. Although the pain scarred dle of NYC. While he still
Jimmy, this short yet charis- works tirelessly, showing
matic man did not let the and telling the world
u n f o rgettable pain cripple about his story, today he is
him. It did however take free of much of the hostile
everything else away. pain that he was experi-
The lonesome man has encing before. Linda’s
been without a home, living generosity helped him
on the streets of NYC from find his sister and family
day to day with his art for members. Isn’t it amazing
more then 20 years. Linda how just by a small win-
Hattendorf, a saint and a film dow of opportunity, we
editor, passed by him and took can do so much for anoth-
interest in his art. She took er person?
him into her house during the The movie was deeply
chaos of September 11th and emotional. The audience
eventually directed the movie, The Cats of for the film would agree how much they
Mirikitani. The film is about Jimmy’s were moved by the story of Jimmy
unforgettable story which includes his stay Mirikitani and Linda Hattendorf’s warm
in the internment camp, racial discrimina- heart, how together they have shown the
tion, and loss of his American citizenship, world what is it like to truly help someone,
which led to the loss of his job that made to erase pain from their heart. Jimmy
him a homeless man. To the world he seems Mirikitani not only has an outstanding per-
lost and alone, small and delicate but the sonality to stand firmly under the roughest
resilience of his personality and his art is conditions but believed in the greater part
what brings him to the top of humanity. A of mankind. Like many other great idols we
true artist with a true heart, he raises the admire today, Jimmy Mirikitani has certain-
peace sign to say “Make peace, not war”. ly moved me to humanity.
With Linda’s enormous help, Jimmy About the film:
was able to go back to Tule Lake Camp
where he was interned for more than two
http://www.thecatsofmirikitani.com/aboutF
ilm.htm
Coming randomly near you!
UN Ambassador’s Club
By Maria Ng and other research and academic institu- cies and issues in the UN. Ambassador ICC was a huge step towards global justice.
tions. In order to spread awareness about Kamal invites prominent guests based on In contrast to the International Court of
he United Nations is an intergovern- the UN and its programs, UN ambassadors the current week’s discussion. Justice, the ICC is compulsory and is not
T mental organization with headquar-

ters based in Manhattan, New York
City. Currently this organization is com-
and senior officials host frequent video con-
ferences and make personal presentations to
the involved universities and institutions.
One of the discussion sessions held in
a Spring 2007 conference dealt with the
International Criminal Court. The featured
part of the United Nations though it is a
product of it. The ICC was a huge accom-
plishment.
posed of 192 Member States. The United Stony Brook University comprises guest was Professor Lee, the Executive Each of the other featured guests had
Nations’ goals include preserving global one of the aca- Secretary to the similar accomplishments. These individu-
peace, maintaining equal rights and the demic institu- International als included Ambassador Dzundev of
equality of nations, and promoting individ- tions that are cur- Criminal Court Macedonia and Randy Rydell, Senior
ual human rights and freedoms. These goals rently part of the Conference. He Political Affairs Officer of the UN Under-
must be obtained harmoniously. A m b a s s a d o r ’s was one of the Secretary-General for Disarmament. These
The individuals that compose the core Club. Stony founding mem- representatives were experts in the discus-
of the United Nations are generally people Brook University bers of the sion topics of diplomacy and disarmament
with years of experience in their particular o ffers a three- International and global security, respectively. Additional
fields. However, some of the staff members credit class, Criminal Court conference topics include Human Rights,
have recognized that the future of the UN cross-referenced (ICC). The ICC Environment and Change, and UN Reform.
rests not in their hands, but in those of the as POL 374/SOC was designed to The Ambassador’s Club provides a
younger generation. As a result, The 374/ HON 401, be a permanent way for individuals to access and question
Ambassador’s Club at the United Nations whose curricu- global tribunal the inner workings of the UN. It offers con-
was formed, holding its first conference in lum centers founded to tact with important United Nations repre-
1998. around weekly video conferences with ensure the fair prosecution of individuals sentatives. The Ambassador’s Club offers
The Ambassador’s Club is a voluntary Ambassador Kamal, the Former Permanent for committing genocide, crimes against the first step to solving current internation-
association comprised of UN ambassadors Representative of Pakistan to the United humanity, war crimes, and the crime of al issues by providing its members with a
and senior UN officials. The purpose of the Nations. This unique course allows students aggression. The court is fairly new. It came first rate source of information.
Ambassador’s Club is to create a better to interact with representatives of the UN into effect in 2002 after the required 60 United Nations Associations:
understanding of the United Nations and its and provides an opportunity for students to states had ratified the Rome Statute. The http://www.unausa.org/site/pp.asp?c=fvKR
programs among students in universities question and discuss current problems, poli- Court currently has four pending cases. The I8MPJpF&b=260414
www.aa2sbu.org/aaezine excerpts in SB Press Vol 4 No 7 May 2007 If you like to write or are creative, send us an e-mail at aaezine@yahoo.com.
29
Climbing Rocks and Such
By Derek Johnson Our first spot to climb was really I didn’t exactly conquer my fear of guys on top of the heap with my arms
___________ intimidating, considering I had never heights at that moment because that was spread out, spreading the funk.
done the sport before. We were broken obviously a gradual thing. My proudest “Oh, Derek! You smell!” With that the
“Use your feet!” Dave yelled from 30 into teams, and some people looked as if moment - the time I felt I really con- group unpeeled. The long-awaited shower
feet below. they had no fear. I was shaking in my quered my fear - was when I climbed a made me feel like a new man.
I was shaking from head to toe. It was climbing shoes. 500-foot mountain with two team mem- When I came back home to New York
my first time rock climbing and I was My belaying partner, Dave from bers, Jamie and a girl named Brittany City, I really felt like a new man. I learned
attached to a line climbing a large boulder Boston, had climbed rocks before. The Crow from upstate New York. Jamie was about teamwork, about the wilderness of
in the Rocky Mountains in Wyoming. I belaying partner stayed on the ground and the leader, so he climbed up, setting bolts the Rocky Mountains, and I learned how
was scared of heights and I hadn’t controlled the rope connecting a bolt in in the rock for the rope to go through. All to rock climb. I conquered my fear of
received any training beforehand. But my the boulder to a carabineer on my belt. If three of us were attached to the same rope heights, and I got to meet great people.
guide, Dave from Boston, was down I fell but held the rope, I stopped from going up. Brittany went in front of me, I still talk to Kumar from Notre Dame.
below holding the rope that would keep falling any farther. When I yelled and both of them would rest at a point and “Being able to make it through the course
me from falling to the ground and crack- “Slack!” from high above, he gave me tell me what to do, even though I had the was one,” Kumar said while discussing
ing my head and everything else. more rope to work with. The further I idea already: I had to follow the rope. his accomplishments. “I climbed a 500-
Let’s go back to the beginning. I had went up, the more slack he gave. When I I came to a point where an edge in the foot boulder was another, and the times
heard of the expedition back at my high was lowering myself, he would do a stop- rock was in front of me, and I could not we hung out and got to know each other.”
school, the High School for and-go pulling motion with the rope so I see past it as I was climbing up. There I wish I could go do it all over again,
Environmental Studies in Manhattan, in w o u l d n ’t fall like a bungee jumper. was nothing for my hands to grip, but my and I wouldn’t do anything diff e r e n t l y. I
2003. The Career Center advertised for “That doesn’t look too bad,” I said to feet felt strong and in place. My arms and came back buff, tan and looking a little
the expedition, which was three weeks myself as I saw everyone else climbing. hands were slipping and sliding, and wild. According to my mother, I looked
long in Wyoming that summer. It was When I started climbing, though, my blood was trickling down, but that made like a “mountain man.” I agreed; I was a
being held by the National Outdoor legs were as shaky as a newborn colt’s. me even angrier because of the pain. Rambo who needed a shave and a haircut
Leadership School, a group that sponsors My hands were covered with chalk dust to Amazingly enough, or weirdly enough, badly. They were the greatest three weeks
and joins in on expeditions around the give more friction while I was grasping the more beat-up I became, the angrier I of my life.
co u n t r y. The National Outdoor the edges above me. The higher I got, the became, and I was even more determined ---------------
Leadership School is also involved with more I forced myself not to look down. to go on. On Stony Brook’s campus, a
ice climbing, horseback riding, backpack- By the time I reached a point where I Jamie and Brittany could obviously Recreation Center between the Union
ing and mountaineering. It is based in c o u l d n ’t get a hold and go any higher, I hear me from above, and told me that it Building and the Sports Complex has
Lander, Wyoming, a charming little cow- was trembling all over. was a hard spot. been proposed.. A rock wall could be part
boy town with one main road. I was I kept closing my eyes, wishing it “What’s the problem?” Jamie said. “I of it.
joined by at least ten other experienced would end. know it’s hard.” “It’s in the sky,” said Susan DiMonda,
and inexperienced volunteers of all ages. But there came no real solution from the Director of Campus Recreation. “It
It was a hiking, backpacking and camping I was one of the big guys on them; they wanted me to do it on my own. will be the premier recreation facility in
adventure that changed my life. I struggled and strained, trying to go New York State. No other New York State
In Lander, I met everyone, and then we top of the heap with my arms around the edge to the left, that didn’t University Campus has a facility devoted
all met our expedition. Two of the leaders work. to solely a recreation center.”
were J.R. Plummer and Jamie Selda, two spread out, spreading the funk. “Do you want me to come down and First, DiMonda has to have the con-
young guys who had done this for a help you?” Jamie asked. tracts signed and approved by Albany to
while, traveling all over America, climb- “Oh, Derek! You smell!” With “No, I got it.” begin construction. “The contracts have
ing and teaching scared climbers like I really didn’t, but I was determined to been in Albany for four to five weeks, and
myself about the wilderness. I remember that the group unpeeled. do it. Sweat and blood was coming off we’re waiting on them; I’ve talked to
J.R. and I were both fans of Guns ‘N me, but after several pushes and numer- architects about the site,” DiMonda said.
Roses and would hike together trying to ous exclamations, I got above the edge of “We’ll hear from Albany any day, and it
remember lyrics and sing them out loud. rock. I found a hold to grab onto on top will take nine months of planning and
At the base station in Lander, we It was exhausting, and everyone was after using my feet to support me on the drawing the plans, including bids for con-
packed our backpacks for the three-week yelling mumbo-jumbo that I couldn’t adjacent rock. I pulled myself up and con- tractors.” It will take two and a half years
trip. First, we had to get used to the make sense of. They all could see what tinued climbing like the others. The rest to construct.
weight; each double-pound backpack was my options were, but I was up there with was a piece of cake compared to what I After the green light from Albany,
half of our weight. We had to carry camp- no clue. was doing before. That made me feel real- DiMonda will meet with a committee of
ing equipment, tent parts, cooking uten- “Dave, tell me what to do,” I yelled. I ly good, and I felt I accomplished a lot students who will advise the architects on
sils, medical kits and a lot of water, d i d n ’t want any more confusion. doing just that. what they want. This advisory committee
clothes, toiletries and other supplies. Neal J.R. took over and told me to move my When we reached the top of the 500- of students will represent all students,
Kumar, who goes to University of Notre left hand there and do this and do that. My footer, I apologized to Brittany for the giving the architects requests for what
Dame, also went on the trip: “It gets you body felt weak, and at one point I was hold-up. “It’s okay,” she said, “I had the they want in the Campus Recreation
physically in shape, the backpacks,” he swinging like a pendulum on the rope. same trouble with it, too,” Center.
said. “It made me mentally stronger, But I made it to the top, and I was My prize for my effort was walking “[We want] basketball courts, running
being in the wilderness. It was an awe- exhilarated! I slid back down, bouncing back to our campsite across the plains, tracks, studios for dance and karate,”
some trip.” o ff of the rock. That also took some time with a beautiful sunset in the foreground DiMonda said. “A lot of facilities are in
It was awesome. The weather was getting used to. I was basically hopping with purple and orange colors and the last high demand. Athletic teams and clubs
beautiful, the sun was blazing, and the backwards vertically between the air and of the rays hitting the ground beneath our need space to practice.” Some of the ideas
vast open wilderness is full of huge boul- the rock. When I got to the ground, my feet. she listed were a three-court gym, indoor
ders, valleys, streams and high moun- knees were banged and bruised, my arms One of those things that was also taken soccer field, and rink for rollerblading
tains. We had to hike everywhere to get felt like they were going to fall off, and for granted was the showering aspect. and skating.
somewhere. There was no technology, no my legs were sore. I felt like I had walked None of us took showers for three weeks. As for a rock climbing wall, DiMonda
computers or cell phones to help us. a thousand miles. When we got back to Lander, we took said that “a rock climbing wall was in the
There were mountains so high that snow Kumar could relate his first rock- group photos. In one of these pictures, all original plan. If budgets become a prob-
was still on the ground. You could see for climbing experience to mine: “I was a lit- of us laid on top of each other like a pile lem? It may be cut. Rock climbing is a
miles and there seemed not to be another tle bit scared. I had to trust my feet on the of dirty clothes. And that’s what we luxury. If it is between that and a dance
soul in any direction. rock and get the right hold.” smelled like, too. I was one of the big studio, we’ll put in the dance studio.”
30
A Bug’s Strife
By Derek Johnson appear to hang in mid-air in the corners of
___________ the bathrooms near the floor. In fact, they
are trapped in a spider’s web, waiting to be
They come crawling out of the cracks devoured in the next feast.
and crannies, out of the caves that they The ants come out mostly at night, but
travel through. On all six legs and with not to keep the students company in the
their antennae twitching for signals and bathroom; they are out for food, or they are
scents, they form a single-file line. just traveling from one place to another.
Ignoring everything else and keeping their They are invisible to some students and a
focus on the mission, they head for a nuisance to others.
breadcrumb or a small piece of sugar or a “Call the Quad Office, who will call the
splatter of honey on the kitchen floor. exterminator,” Alexis Nivens, an RA for
These are the ants of Stony Brook West Apartments Building A, said, if you
University, the place that many students
call their home away from home but the
ants and other bugs of the campus call it a “There was a spider, like, two
meal ticket.
As a spider is busy weaving its web in years ago,” said Blanca
the corner of the bathroom, for example,
people are going to the bathroom and tak- Carrasco, a senior who lives
ing showers, either ignoring the spiders or
freaking out with fear. If there are terrified at H-Quad on-campus
responses, the spider usually finds itself
belly-up or flat.
“There was a spider, like, two years have bugs. She added that the residents
ago,” said Blanca Carrasco, a senior who usually go to her first. “They should try to
lives at H-Quad on-campus, “that was liv- clean up before coming to me to com-
ing in my window and I didn’t know about plain,” she said. “Don’t wait two to three
it.” Carrasco went to sleep that night and weeks later either; call the Quad Office
woke up with a surprise. She said, “It actu- immediately, buy bug spray.”
ally bit me one time in my sleep, and I had Nivens said she follows the extermina-
this big bump on my arm. And you could tors sometimes when they go into suites.
actually see the two bite marks it left me.” “They spray the kitchen, put down glue
This is part of life for students who live traps, a roach motel,” she said. “They can’t
in such a wooded area. This is Long Island, spray in the rooms because it gets on
the country, suburbs, or whatever else you clothes and the beds.”
want to call it. The creepy crawler neigh- For some students it doesn’t make a dif-
bors do not mind if there are obstacles such ference having spiders and roaches around,
as dormitory buildings, cars, or the feet of but for some it does.
students head- Some stu-
ing to and dents kill
from class. them to pre-
Students, vent them
however, have from ever
to decide what showing up
they want to again. “I’ve
do when they seen them in
come face to the hallways,
face with spi- especially on
ders, roaches the first
and other insects. “It was near the shower,” floor,” said Thea Lenna, a junior who lives
said Emily Kogan, a sophomore who lives in West Apartments Building D. “The ants
in Douglass College Tabler Quad, “It was I leave alone, but the roaches I kill….I
like a beetle.” And how did she react? don’t want them in my suite. I just stomp
“Well, I screamed…and someone else on them.”
killed it.” Can’t anyone just say “Let It There are students like Lenna who can
Be?” make peace with the insects, as long as
There are students who try to prevent they don’t bother her. “I generally leave
such encounters from happening again. “I spiders be if they leave me alone,” she
never saw it,” said Carrasco, the senior said. “They are usually small spiders that
who was bit by what apparently was the don’t bite. I don’t like spiders, so I usually
spider in her window, “but I put Windex all just spaz (CQ) out but leave it alone if it’s
over the spiderweb and all around the win- living in my corner or something and not
dow frame because I got paranoid.” bothering me, then I leave it alone.”
Not that many people would take the There are students who feel bugs in the
time to just observe these bugs. There can buildings are a big problem, and there are
be swarms of ants near the garbage bins in students who feel it is not one at all. “It’s
the kitchens of Hand College in Tabler not a huge problem as far as what I see,”
Quad or the West Apartments. In the bath- Lenna said. “As long as there is no food
rooms of West Apartments Building A, laying around, most bugs stay away.”
there are both live and dead ants that
31
EarthStock
‘07
Photos by : Jamie Freiermuth
32
34
Poems_________________________________Page 36
Prose_________________________________Page 43
Images_________________________________Page 58
35
Sit
Undifferentiated By Billy Shear
By Bil ly Shear
I have too long been unconnected,
i woke up this ti me knowing i didnt yet l eave Unreflected in chaotic fields.
the sky w as dark wi th a bri ght red glow I have so far seen imperfected
il lumi nati ng half the dream, half the r oom Insurrection signs surreal.
wi th a stran ge, bl ushi ng w arm th
that made me reali ze why the tr ees turn color I have too long felt roaming over
and i felt li ke an il lusion that just wanted to sl eep Gloamings cover obscurified,
in the dar k for ever Masking lasting deepened castings,
but being too much, as i got up, Impressed upon an inner tide.
the red i n the l eavi ng part
made me think of the other onl y in distances I am for now too prone to tracking,
and what got me there i n the fi r st pl ace Lacking older thoughts too soon,
and now, sw eet, ti r ed, domestic, Fading into deeper shading,
that small , slow grin of the half Waiting for a newer moon.
and that slant of l ight after me again
I have to r un. i t cant be safe. I have too long been unprotected
admitting that theyr e everywher e and yet. From the ironies of time,
I had to get out Who have so far been unneglected
found a way to creat i vely unprepare d From the temporalities of mine.
as i f the outlet could have care d
ra n again, each ti me l ess w el l I have so far forgotten
sti ll hi d i n the autumn fi eld near a fence no one’s seen How to be surrounded,
exc ept the earl iest sunrise w here that sl ant of l ight Endlessly going around a line.
speaks so much, l ike the house being numb,
and why to stay, and w hy the show had l ost its w ay
and why fields make me run
Sunrise
whil e making my day.
then slowl y i n my brai n,
another sky, i nfra-re d thr ough the pane By Billy Shear
showing things would never be the same
in a balanci ng act of a forgotten soundtrack
like glass offers whirlpools of mist into which entrance is fully possible. the sky grows in com-
of the measure d l ife of an ever yday game. plexities in color, shape and feel, towards an old coast as so many thoughts never lost, blue
and all the words , squinted at night, white and gray are fresh and crisp, like the morning moment those of the day only hope for.
disappear wi th the ocean’s ghosts whose holl ow and to the back, the illuminations never before seen, perhaps the manifestation in my mind
of that which ive only had to indirectly glance, the hidden spot, from angles and with emana-
li fe sli ps back to tepid gray.
tions that induce questions of “why never before,” or “this is needed more than is done.” a
what w ould i have to say w hen i solati on seeps i n at the sl ightest touch brilliant, sparkling display whose welcome is its transience, the streaming emanation off
whats l eft but cold, cloudless r esi gnation when my brain is ablaze everything its greeting. rippled air moves over the swirls of what has collected in the vaguest
wi th the intim ati on of a change in the over rated figure of idl e stati c, moments of the night so short as to be hardly hide-worthy at all, a night whose beginning
still retained and then without knowing when it happened, though witnessing the change, the
barel y held back as its noise fil ls my cage. herald of everything that will be, as this, lived, observed, participated, and whose motion
the sound of the coast, always just slow enough as never to be perceived, like and for everything else, in their way,
if we’r e quiet. and the ways in which no substitute for the experience is rendered endlessely. and yet,
helped, just a little, by 4am disappearant dreamlikenesses, and that to which there is no
deeper, longer-standing, more infused connectivity, rendering the longest glimpse possible,
now. and yet, murkiness being just begun, for it comes back in the lush coveredness of
refresh and oldness, complimenting of the brilliance of fully momentarily existing potentiality
of the half where action in the way, where life and living and livingness is both simple and
here, and what is needed where the philosophies are converted to spontaneity as the penulti-
Love mate embodiment of that which is reflected back onto that of which, and by which, that
embodiment is. leaping through, projecting forth through that without which cycle is simple
By Billy Shear ended line, devoid of fullness, being alone is being alive is being alone is moment-by-
moment-to-moment unfulfilled potential. the embarking so often dreamt of is to begin, for
the coming descent parallels that whereupon which we are released into ourselves. and who
horizon. entirety. vague vision of parachuting in a crisp brilliant knew the day would feel like two. it couldnt be just the nap, rendering it a dream of several
days ago. magical is the word, like a brilliantly colored, misty, ethereal tunnel that is from
sky above a fresh spring-drenched field scattered by windy light and of me, for the dual participation is that of an observation i just can’t get out of my mind,
and which carries a depth that went far into the night. for it is almost as if none of this is
with a girl i can’t believe is real and her mind…what’s in it? she was
ever taking place.. yet. not just dream-like, but of a hidden quality entirely, like that whose
hiding in a house that become a multi-level tree then came with me other-dimensionality can only be accessed with the removing of layers that can only be d one
with the hazy confusion of half-sleep, dozing-off, and staying-up, and attempts to compre-
in search of nothing left to lose. hend the timelike framespace of the dark duration in the context of the glow-saturation. and
that is the true experience, one of origins, pasts, emotive momentness, via intensity only, as
paralleled, symbolized by the glimpse, undescribed and indescribable, but never lost with the
necessary trigger of association, the feel that is its own inability to be grasped or retained.
But the moment was there, with true depth and meaning present... glowing embers all day, of
the unpredictable underlay, focusing ingrained attention as never before.
36
A Friend Where Ever She May Be
By Shawn Baumann
Cloud
i loved this cloud, now gone

I never thought how different my world would be without her absorbed by a tree out of spite of its beauty
and then at once when day turned night
One day she was here with me and then gone in a blur
I saw my love again, a ghost
Actually I never thought she would ever leave Walking over water, through birds who dance
At first I didn’t know how to feel but now I can only grieve And love too the misty mood
Now she stays within the doors of white light Of days lost and nights drawn longer
Hopeful of the breaking dawn, I look
Knowing that she’s there for me every night
Looking upon me with her beautiful eyes By Sadie Feathers
While she stays up above in the heavenly skies
It all started back in the summer years ago

We were friends right away from the world hello
When I met this girl I knew she’d make me complete
There would never be someone else that could compete
It came to a point where we liked one another Romeo Oh Romeo
By Dave Bouklas
But we soon realized we were like sister and brother
After a day of being with each other we saw it wasn’t right Fists explode like firecrackers
Although it didn’t work we soon thought being best friends just might in the usually quite streets of Milburry.
Millburry, PA.
Summers and summers of a great friendship that would never end
Home of the Millburry Marauders.
We were so close to one another no one else could contend Hell of a game those boys played, by the way.
After the summer of ‘02
1962 and after all these years,
She told me something I couldn’t construe all those Millburrians can see is
black and white.
The biggest shock in my life was told to me Millburrians are what we call folks from Millburry, PA, by the way.
If you didn't know.
IT took her from me, like a man taken out to sea
After time went on I thought things were fine Race riots continue for the 3rd day in a row,
this time, over a mixed couple.
But IT wasn’t gone IT stayed and was so malign
A young boy and girl.
That morning I’ll never forget that call Such a cute couple, by the way.
I couldn’t believe it, not at all Always stop in and say "hi" whenever they're around, specially on the weekends.
I wouldn’t let it sink it for she was too young for this to come
God plays a modern Shakespeare here tonight,
There was nothing I could do I just felt so dumb as the couple meets in secret behind that old barn off Main St.
I wanted her back but I knew things would never be the same to take shelter in their love and block out their future.
By the way, old man Jeinkins built that shed with is bare hands.
Acceptance was not a choice, there had to be someone to blame Good man, that Jeinkins.
After so long I finally understood Knowing they can never be together, the young black man runs to the crowd just a block away,
Runs to the men who want him dead, and they get just that.
I had to live my life like I should A shot from the crowd, and our young prince falls to the pavement dead.
Where ever I go I know she is with thee .44 pistol did him in.
Just like the ones in those action pictures, by the way.
Whether up above or in my heart she is with me
With many memories that won’t be forgotten of He died in her arms that night.
I send from me to her all my love Was they only way to keep that love alive.
She sees a glimmer in the bushes, after the crowd has left.
It's 3 A.M and that .44 is staring her in the face.
She's done with this world too.
a thought And so she takes her life, the young pretty white girl
lands limply in her lover's arms.
Which, by the way, were very muscular and toned.
one time when the rain came Workin’ on that farm built ‘em like a horse.
and said stop!
i danced amongst the drops of desperation
I see it all the time. Different people, similar outcomes.
in a grey photo S'a real shame, these poor young kids.
with nobody but the moon watching! So young, so beautiful.
who laughed and wished Who knows what the future holds for em.
So, by the way, you ever see them Marauders play?
and missed the sun"
Hell of a team, them Marauders, by the way.
Hell of a great team.
By Sadie Feathers
37
Every Day’s Forgotten (E.D.F.) I & me
Deadline By David K. Ginn when i am between you and i
im cold and numb
By Alex H. Nagler and i ask why must we be
two or one and one, not love
Every day’s forgotten
Holy shit. That’s due now? not here or there
It’s Friday at two already?
Just a blur in my memory but an infinite now
forever changing by staying the same
Oh goddamit. Why is it all forgotten?
is it I stuck in a circle
Why didn’t anyone remind me of this when Why can’t my mind’s eye see? droning around ambient sighs
I was drunk last night? There’s a hole in my life where I should have succeeded
or am I Maybe always caught
between Yes and No
What possesses me to sign up for so many who gets headaches reading
articles every Wednesday?
But it’s wasted to this endless game between the lines, and
It’s not just that, come to think of it All the warnings from loved ones I should have heeded practicing cognitive dissidence
Same goes for papers Do nothing to ease the pain one day can we meet in a field
and make mirrors of ourselves
Am I just a neurotic over achiever? They were right, they were right seeing and perceiving nothing
Yes. Yes I am. our third eye doesn’t know
It’s time to break away and then have a picnic
where no one wins at tug of war
But I know I’ll fall back in the cycle soon but wins
at
So that my future will be nothing but knowing losing
My Angel That self
By Wally #234 Every day’s forgotten

By Sadie Feathers
I lie awake on this night so cold,

Counting shadows and wishing for dreams so bold, Verbose
Hoping that somehow this pain may go, By Chris De Lao
Upon my dreams may her image glow. I sing the body eclectic
I glance into my picture frame, That’s right, eclectic!
Not electric- I leave that to Walt
And find the face behind my angel’s name, Only he knew how to sing
Hoping that as the night grows deep, The body Electric
That she may visit me as I sleep. But I know how to talk
I know how to speak
My eyes close with quiet tears, I know how to chat, converse, discuss, chitchat,
Just a glance will hush my swollen fears. Lecture, orate, address, whisper, gossip,
I drift and fall into a dream alike, I know how to chew the fat, shoot the breeze, shoot the shit,
And hope that my angel may breathe tonight. Have a heart to heart, A tête-à-tête, a rap session, a dialogue, a one-to-one,
Mano a mano, brother to brother, sister to brother,
Hell, sister to sister!
I found myself surrounded by endless light,
I know how to blather, pontificate, wax poetic,
And my eyes witnessed a heart so bright. Eavesdrop, rattle on, spout drivel, sound off,
Have my say, mouth off, jabber on, speak out, speak on,
“Is that you my love?” I slowly spoke Take a stand, raise my voice, exclaim, explain and extrapolate
And hoped that it was not my eyes that merely wrote.
I know how to say my piece, speak my mind
A smile took my place, I know how to be direct, how to beat around the bush, share and how to be frank
As my angel stepped forward and revealed her face. By the way, why is it called being Frank? You think there was a guy named Frank
who was such an asshole they just had to name some stupid piece of speech after
There she was beautiful as ever, him?
And once again we stood together. I know how to improvise, hypothesize, theorize, reflectisize and any
“Oh my love” she uttered, Other ize you can think of till you’re crying from your eyes!
I know how to babble, gibber, jabber, prattle, nag, whine, complain,
And witnessed my heart flutter. Insult- Ooooooo boy do I know how to insult!
“There is so much I wish to say” I whispered,
I know how to respond, badger, pester, plague, harass, hassle,
And could not resist the urge to kiss her. Irk, disturb, annoy, exasperate, exhaust,
When our lips finally met, Aggravate, wind you up and drag you down,
Madden, cheese off, hack off, bugger off, provoke,
My heart was soon to vent. Incense, rile, beleaguer,
“I love you more than anything, with each day and each passing week…” Did I mention I know how to pontificate?
“Quiet”, she said and kissed my cheek. I know all the platitudes, clichés, inanities,
The tired expressions, the commonplace banalities,
“I know my dear it’s hard to say, but I watch over you with each passing day. I know how to tell you that “One in the hand’s worth two in the bush,”
I know how much you love me.” “Go onward and upward”, “Love of money is the root of all evil,”, and “we’re movin’
on up to the East Side!”
She said in a face that bore no wrinkles,
“Just remember the days when it was all so simple. I’ll let you know if I’m looking for a needle in a haystack, and if I think
The guy’s slippery as an eel; I’ll tell you if it’s a slam dunk or not to judge a book by
The day when you wrote your first poem and confessed your love, the way I ran to you, its cover, whether you knocked it out of the park or if she ran faster than Rosie
O’Donnell at coupon night at the Sizzler
The way we hugged.” I’ll inform you if it’s like shooting fish in a barrel, and I am not above saying,
She held my hand and I could do nothing “It’s not you, it’s me.”
But love her as we looked over that kind day of our loved filled summer. I have all kinds of chestnuts, anecdotes, truisms, axioms,
Adages, proverbs, sayings, mottos, aphorisms, tenets,
Principles, truths and wisdoms
In other words, I’m a bullshit artist

But that’s why I sing the body eclectic
I sing the body electric, because I know how to listen.
38
What Time Is It?
By Alex H. Nagler
Our Fearless Leader
What time is it? 12:30? That means it must be November By Dave Bouklas
8th. Everything should be over, but it’s not. That doesn’t
matter, though. It’s the day after. A change has come, Mary didn't jus have a lamb,
we’re just not sure how big it is. But that’s all finished, she had a whole darn flock of sheep.
nothing left that we mere mortals can do. It’s time to take And everywhere that dun Mary went,
a step away from all the electioneering and become human them sheep were sure to go.
again. We’re not talking heads. At least some of us aren’t,
yet. We’re still human. The slaughter house.
Take a step outside with me. The rain should cool us all And boy, were they willing.
down. Feel the drizzle? It’s a nice change from hunched
over a laptop with a box of Dominoes Pizza, rapidly After all, how could them critters come to any harm,
refreshing a thread with up to the minute election results. followin their fearless leader.
No spinsters here. No Dean or Melhman, no FOX, CNN, or She keeps em fed, warm,
MSNBC. Just the rain and the fresh air. Smell it? It’s and keeps out dem dang foxes.
America, the America that people voted for today.
After all, they's who you want ta watch out fer.
Sometimes, things need to be cleansed. The rain cleanses Dern foxes will getcha every time.
things, washes them out. It wets the earth and makes the
planet undergo a rebirthing process. Plants bloom, animals Those young'uns that resisted?
are born; it’s a healing process. That’s what we need now, Ah, they just calves.
healing. The rain washes all the blemishes away. It can Can't appreciate our fearless leader.
destroy mountains, reshape continents, force change upon The one who keeps dem foxes out.
the unwilling.
"She's sendin us to die!"? "She's the enemy!"?
Radical punks...Commies...Liberals.
After all, dem foxes can't even preciate the joys of hannukah.
And dat just aint right.
Kids Will Be Kids
By Dave Bouklas
My father said
no more
as I coolly How Long?
played
By Dave Bouklas
with my
carton
I'll be gone for a second,
of Marlbro Ultra-Lite Cigarettes
Thats what she said,
in front of an
Now honey, please, just go on off to bed.
audience
of juvenile jurors. I saw that this was just not true,
deep in those eyes of china blue.
He had caught I had that feeling that once she was gone,
me by surprise, Never again would I hear the song,
following me since 113 W Of bluebirds on a sweet spring day,
and Broadway And all of my happiness would just fade away.
without my knowing.
He was always good like that.
39
STEP one two
into the soft shoe
and cue-
tip clean
fax-machine mean
big boy world of
business.
Of lollipops
and gumdrops
title; content Yesterday I decided to stop designing no more.
Of sharp cut suits
by jonathan singer amusement parks. I was in my favorite coffee shop, and tempers to match.
That’s the catch:
pouring sugar into my cup. I pretended to read, but be mean, aggressive, tough,
I wasn’t fooling anyone. That’s because alternative don’t love another too much,
because
manipulate electrical currents to produce sound newsweeklies always lie.?? hey,
where’s the profit in that?
kaboom My second love was there, but I was too Welcome to the world
of cheap thrills
nervous to look. Apparently she was drinking a can and empty bottles of
sgt jonathan singer of guava nectar. Or so I heard. I was desperately Jack Daniell’s finest
malt liquor
damn straight seeking someone to tell my decision to. laying on the floor
besides your favorite
?Someone in the booth behind me was lampshade,
playing a piano. He was playing a nice upbeat or party hat,
The School Lunch Pogrom or whatever you want to call it now.
is my favorite punk band number but when I turned around to look no one Where dreams always come true,
for $8.75 plus tax,
was there. My attention span was always too short not counting the popcorn
or medium sized
My Favorite Punk Band anyways. I could listen to music, but I couldn’t beverage
is The School Lunch Pogrom actually “read” it.?? of your choice.
Speedy cars
On my way out I considered talking to my and fast girls,
cute little mammas
i am in love with a sandwich second love. Not that I had anything to say, but she with big red curls,
did live down the block from me. As I approached and all the money in the world,
they say it’ll never work out and it’s all yours
her I tried not to look but I couldn’t help but listen. till the clock strikes 12.
señor self destruct Apparently she had an interest in pirates. Here’s the climax of the novel,
in case you didn’t see it coming.
all my friends are dressed as pears
(oh shit) You have all anybody could want.
Anybody but you.
the social dean’s list i don’t know why I cut my right arm. i guess i do
All you want is your old world back,
i miss mary some things left handed. with that old, beat up, rusty Catalac
and the love of your life
riding shot gun on a gorgeous summer day,
this is very bad i’ll make it a kiss for the movie version with a big beach hat
and shades just a bit too big for her
i had to purge all my files :( pretty little head.
You want to hustle and sweat
allen ginsberg eats dirt for the pizza company for the team,
making barely minimum wage
Answers on Page 36 in a burger shack
A Pogrom is a mass killing of Jews Then The Real Nirvana Will Begin: The Stony of a next to Joey’s on Manhassat Ln,
saving up for that big upcoming date
The School Lunch Pogrom is a mass feeding of Viennese Dessert Table to the best falaffal joint
I’ve actually seen an old lady get up from her in town;
gentiles. just you
wheelchair and fight for the last cream puff. and the woman you love.
Yesterday I Decided to Stop Designing Amusement Old smelly shoes

that never fit right,
Parks ------------------------------------------------------------- and that blue Knicks blazer
After my first love moved away, I decided 11 april 2007 that was always a tad too tight
around the waste,
to get a new pair of shoes. She wanted to save the straightedge but hugged your shoulders
perfectly,
seals, so I got a fine pair of canvas sneakers. Those this morning I decided to stop designing amuse- and made you feel like
ment parks David Hasslehoff from Baywaytch,
shoes were full of ideas.?? if you squinted real hard
I probably killed 1,000 bugs in my first (i have a big fucking headache) and didn't count your crew cut.
Denim jeans
month of wearing them. But for some reason I did- ------------------------------------------------------------- with a hole in the crotch,
and an emo band t-shirt
n’t care. Death seemed so trivial at the time. ?? that your nipples stick out of,
I had just finished my first wasted year and kike even when it's 75 and sunny
as hell.
was a few weeks into the second one. Since I slept even my mother makes mistakes These are your tresures.
These are your prized possessions,
half the day I considered my self half dead. At least when everything else loses interest
you’re going to get blown up in the life
I still had my dreams.?? you always thought
One night I dreamt I was a door to door i’ll wear a helmet you always wanted.
pirate. In this dream five of us pirates would knock Hundreds of women,

and liquor and booze
on doors and threaten people with swords and guns A.K.A. I-D-I-O-T up the wazzoze,
and shit. We didn’t get much money. People who shaped like a pear and oblivious is not your cup of
English Tea.
saw us would say “not interested,” and would then Be
yourself, who you used to
slam the door in our faces.?? beyond emo be.
(beyond emo) Love your life,
I must have had the dream because she get it back,
always looked cute in a pirate outfit. Or a cowgirl then you’ll see
that it’s the little things that count
outfit, but it’s not like that mattered anymore. The freethought zone when you’re lying awake
with a hole in your heart
truth was that she was gone and I was never going the entire world’s population came from six peo- that nothing in the world can fill.
to see her again.?? ple, you dumb fuck
Except for her.
-DB
40
Ode to Hector Walking Arm
By David K. Ginn
r e i nc a r na t i o n
H ow many satiri-
Oh Hector, why do you hurt us so?
We kill the ants skies hung in corners cal haiku’s can
We kill the spiders remind me of the dying day o ne write in a
We kill the crazy ships (coming soon)
But you come around
half hour?
when like a breeze i'll dissipate By David Becerra
And with that eerie sound
a cloud in the atmosphere
You shake your metal hips
no memories forgotten This worldly pleasure
Oh Hector, oh Hector, why do you cause us pain?
The world goes black (only lost) Using others for leisure
For your purple smack (only time) Just does not get old!
And nothing is ever the same rain upon a distant field
I just hurt myself
with scattered light
The Couch and dancing leaves
The color is so splendid
By Ilyssa Fuchs Who has a band-aid?
trees becoming
We sit quietly on her grey couch. It’s starting to wear A healthy dessert
now. The navy blue stripes have faded in the sunshine. By Sadie Feathers I still can’t fit in my shirt!
The fabric is pilled up. There are small tears in the seats Trimspa didn’t work!
from years of use, it is a living timeline. She snakes her
arm behind my head. Her fingertips gently graze the Insidious dream
small patch of skin behind my ear. I giggle, she laughs Why can’t reality be
too. We are alone now. Years of people getting involved A sweet fairy tale?
in our business, it feels good to sit just with her. She
mutes the TV and whispers something to me. I look back
To keep one’s smile
at her and comment on her whispering. “We are alone Reality Check
Is a gift greater than all
now,” I say, there is no one here to hear. She knows, I By Ilyssa Fuchs
How’re your insides?
know, but we’ve had to whisper for so long, our voices
are permanently soft. She pulls me closer and runs her One door closes another opens,
hand over my stomach. The little hairs stand up like small Like grains of sand, Philosophical
soldiers waiting for command. I feel we’ve waited forev- My heart’s still broken. Metaphorically speaking
er for this moment. I lean in and our mouths meet, like A frozen pond that cracks and streams, Who gets anything?
they have so many times before. The hills and valleys of And runs away with all my dreams.
my lips fit perfectly, like a jigsaw puzzle, in between hers. I saw this movie
I want to stay in the moment forever. I run my fingers To let go is to die, It was really deep and stuff
through her jet black hair. It is as soft now as it has To go out silent in the fight.
Really made me think
always been. We kiss passionately, her lips pressed tight- Fire burns bright,
Deep twilight fills the night.
ly on my own. Her hands caress the small mounds which Did you see that show?
protrude from my chest. My arms wrap around her back, It’s just like reality!
To hold on is to suffer,
she shivers, and I shiver too. It seems as if we are in a My life is thrilling!
Immense, repetitive pains.
perfect moment, but it only lasts so long. I hear a phone
Blood boils,
ring and Heats up in the veins. I need me a map
awake in
To find various fast foods
a cold Rejection turns to regret.
sweat. I What’s a Canada?
Regret to despair,
sit up And fills up the mind,
and real- Till there is nothing else there.
ize I am Poetic license
still alone And no where to run, How do I apply for that?
in my And no where to hide. No D.M.V right?!
own bed. I’ve made my own choices,
Hundreds I’ll hold on and survive. Let’s stop complaining
of miles Really, let’s all just agree
away from her grey couch, with those faded navy blue Nationalism!
stripes, and it’s pilled up fabric, with tears in the seats.
41
Your Words
By Alex H. Nagler
S m ell o f r a i n
These are your words sir, they will bury you.
soft clouds yield the smell of rain I wasn’t sure what this meant, but then Ariana Huffington
Found Barack Obama’s college poetry.
black and white mixing to yellow What would these articles say about me?
sleep What would the things I’ve wrote do to my future?
pink hands in the sky candy color Would they harm me? Benefit me?
tasting the change in season Could my words incarcerate me?
Would swearing too much do me in at a later date?
feeling the coldness of numbers I’m a politician.What does all this swearing bode.
advancing of restrictions “Fuck Resnet.” Will it fuck me?
but the green (turning red) leaves ease
Social Diet What is the price of a fat portfolio?
I have no idea.
offering hope where there is no
By Wally #234
such thing
By Sadie Feathers A break from the phony and the fake

Return to the real Tumultuous existence
By: Dave Becerra
Lock them in a box and air tight that seal
See how much better us normal people will feel. Bar code babe
Forget the yachts, benz’s and bling Intensity shade
SOMA And J-Lo’s 4 million dollar ring Abnormal cell
The path to hell
We are all brainwashed; we need to shut the TV and turn the fame off
By Vincent Michael Festa Through dust and grunge
Healthcare, welfare and taxes –
Innocent hung
That was her. This is what I grind my axe with
Warranted arrest
That was her picture. I couldn’t care less about celebrity obscurity… I am definitely concerned with Lonely recess
And I can't bear to look national security Brevity
because right now Tummy tucks, facelifts, and bleached blonde hair – being forced to see this just Humanity
I feel neglected. isn’t fair Visage not steady
Choking poison
I know they make it easier to stare, but take those sunglasses off when you’re
Asbestos corrosion
Because I can't bear indoors Love found in loathing
to see the one person There’s no sun, so how can there be glare? Rage found in showing
you don't have I still can’t find enough quarters for the city bus fare The strength of the steel
in your possession. Not being able to bring food to the table, I don’t need to see your houses or The earth and the bone
cars… I already know you’re financially stable Screams and moans
Regime overthrown
Commercial and meaningless music – blow my bloody nose is how I use it
The piles of corpses
Grab your brothers, sisters, aunts, and uncles, join hands around the world to Being trodden by horses
boycott fashion, trends and fads. You can’t hear their voices
Believing the enquirer… that is pretty sad They burn more in churches
Celebrities and politics, how did that door get open?
You got a nose job? I’m sorry, it just looks broken
You must be joking. HOW MUCH FOR THAT SUBWAY TOKEN? SOMA v.2 (ending)
So, shut them down cut them down
By Vincent Michael Festa
Hillary Duff… wish I never heard that sound
If you’re looking for talent, there’s none to be found.
Right now
I'm just a little sad right now Talent-less rappers like Nelly and Ludacris I feel sad
because of this. Maybe Jessica Simpson really did have chicken in her tuna fish that she's
We need a working class revolution not around
To rid ourselves of this social pollution
Paris Hilton, I would attend that public execution anymore.
Paying money to see those movies…they owe us money…some retribution
Why can’t any of you see that reality TV is as fake as can be? Maybe one day
I’m not selling anything. You don’t have to buy it she'll come
Social diet. I’m not asking you to give up carbs from the sky
So why don’t you try it?
…and I'll catch
her…
again...
I'm very sorry.
42
past/present/future
Decembre 28, 2006
This afternoon I was cleaning out my basement because the whole house is under cleaning. It was when
I found a lot of old papers of typewritten poems, novelties, amateur writings, scribbles, marginal notes,
print-outs, and other fun things that I saved over the years.
It takes me back during the Brentwood and Plainview days, when a lot of names and reactions came up.
All these papers and notes are a document of where I was, who I met, what I was doing, and how I real-
ly felt at the time. I found an old group photo, some written works, former interests, names once forgot-
ten, and references that can only be compared to that era and only that era.
I went through my old issues of The Compass, my first newspaper from the Selden/Hauppauge era. I
hate to say that almost nothing good had ever come out of that Selden era. The people had made that
all possible. Had I known now about them and the scene now what I didn't before, maybe things might
have been a little different. I'd like to know if the opposite sex in that vicinity are as sporty, deviant, and
edgier now than when I left 6 years ago.
I have two other boxes full of memorabilia I'm not parting with: various pictures, invitations, holiday cards,
phone numbers, calling cards, packages of handwritten letters sent in with poems and their pictures,
etcetera. Some pictures I can't even look at because it's just a reminder of what isn't and what never
was. That's the saddest part, when you have a possession that burns that image into your head.
I'm in Huntington right now with peace and quality time to myself, just thinking about the past 10-12
amount of years that have transpired. If the chance were ever handed to me, yes. I do feel like wanting
to go back to take in everything a little better, to have been better prepared and to have seen better
around me because I know it could have been better since I didn't realize back what was really at stake.
I try not to give away my age, though it's very obvious when you see it. People do tell me I look five years
younger than I really am, sometimes seven. Good. I'm going to take advantage of that and roll twelves
for as long as I can.
What can I do with this, what was the past and what I have taken from it? What is inside me that just
makes me want to feel like going back, to ignore the boundaries and just go for it? Is it still possible to
even connect to the past anymore?
Even now, I'm trying to do as much as I possibly can because I felt like I never had enough of what I
wanted to have or do. I don't think I can.
I am going through old pictures, comparing "then" to "now". Even sometimes I'm trying real hard not to
kick myself.
-Vincent Michael Festa.
43
The Master Illusionist
I’m pretty sure I’ve reached the end. A few weeks ago, I developed sight. I’ve bare- convinced herself it was a dream, or that it never really
Six months ago I discovered I have the ability ly slept since. happened, but she turned her eyes back to the professor
to override other people’s senses. At first I didn’t under- I was sitting in philosophy class last Tuesday and resumed taking notes, her hand shaking just a little.
stand it, but after a while it became clear how awesome when my thoughts began to turn away from pranks and
it was. Smell came first. I was with my friend Ox, onto more practical applications.
telling him how bad my brother’s feet had smelled the Marybeth Winnings is, in my opinion, the I was in my room yesterday, making Dawn
night before. I wanted him to suffer like I had, although hottest girl on campus. I’m pretty sure there aren’t a lot McKenzie believe she was suddenly naked, when there
I don’t know why. Maybe it’s because Ox is so cool, or of people who agree, but they’d at least say she’s damn was a knock on my door.
maybe I’m just an asshole. cute. She has short black hair, a soft, friendly face and The spontaneity of being inexplicably naked
Whatever the case, he started freaking out. eyes that trap me every time I see her. She was sitting a had begun to wear Dawn’s sense of judgment, and I was
Apparently, I’d made him smell it without even realiz- few rows away from me that Tuesday, and as I stared at about ten minutes away from getting her to sleep with
ing. It was pretty cool. I felt good. her I couldn’t help wishing my power worked on me. As you can imagine, I did not want to be interrupt-
I toyed with that for a while, but it got pretty myself. ed.
boring. Luckily, I developed the ability to manipulate I thought about what it would be like to kiss the I didn’t know who it was, but I made sure they
hearing. That was much cooler. I fucked around with soft skin on her neck, which was always exposed, as if saw a police car arrive, followed by an officer getting
everyone, making them hear noises and strange whis- calling out to me. I had, over the past few months, out and telling them to leave.
pers. A lot of people were genuinely freaked out, and learned how to bottle my abilities when I needed to. Dawn and I sat closer to each other, and I could
understandably so. The longer I stared at her neck, watching her hair tell it wouldn’t take much more for me to get to her. I
When my ability to alter touch and taste came bounce over it every time she moved, the harder it got to made her see us on a hotel poolside, naked and ready to
around, I began to mix the four. At first, I made the control my power. make love. She asked if she was dreaming, and I told
people in my English class feel spiders crawling over Minutes went by, and then I made a daring her she was.
their shoulders. That was fun. Next, I added the sound move. I sent out the feeling of my lips against her neck, There was another knock on my door, and this
of hissing snakes. As they were running to the doors, I then quickly turned back to my notebook. I glanced time I was angry. I closed my eyes and made the person
added the smell of gasoline and the taste of cranberries. over at her and saw that she’d gotten the signal. hallucinate an earthquake. The knocking stopped. I
Class was cancelled due to the “strange illness” Knowing that she’d felt it was too much to smiled and turned back to Dawn.
that had plagued the students, and for the first time I bear. I kept the signal going, making her feel my tongue There was a loud crash, followed by the sound
became aware of how powerful my gift was. I immedi- below her ear as it slid down to her shoulders. She of someone running through my living room. I made
ately began self-training, waking up early every morning shifted a lot, rubbing at her neck half-heartedly to figure the person see a wall, then feel it as they crashed into it.
to try and understand the skill better and thus be able to out what was kissing her. The footsteps didn’t stop.
use it expertly. I had never been so excited in my entire life. I I sealed Dawn’s hallucination and automated
Telellusionism is the ability to telepathically made her feel my hand on her breasts, then along her the activities I clearly wouldn’t have the chance to phys-
alter another’s senses by way of connecting with his or stomach, and finally on the base of her thighs. She ically participate in. I turned to my door and saw a
her brainwaves and transmitting a new signal. Most became extremely rigid and crossed her legs, something young man, not much older than I am, standing with a
telepathy has involved the reading of minds or the occa- she obviously didn’t want to do because of her skirt. very angry expression on his face.
sional future-seer, and since all of these gifts involve the I made her feel my hand between her legs, and “Can I help you?”
connection of the brain to an alternate “network”, they she let out a gasp. The man looked over to Dawn, who was on my
can usually be inverted. This type of inversion has only Some of the other students looked at her, and I bed, squirming as she worked herself to an orgasm.
ever been performed by messing with parts of the mind knew I was causing a scene. If I didn’t do something, “What the hell are you doing, you sick fuck?”
that are more beyond our understanding than the telepa- my fun would end too soon. I concentrated immensely, “It’s none of your business.”
thy itself. Examples have included sleep-deprivation, pulling the entirety of my training to the surface. I The man grabbed my neck and held me against
hypnosis, trauma and even psychosis. Whether these opened my eyes and saw that it was working. the wall. “You killed my brother. You made him think
examples were controlled tests or recorded anomalies, Everyone in the room was witness to the vision he was eating. Fast food, chocolate, whatever the hell
the result has almost always been disastrous. of Marybeth getting up and walking out the door, com- you made him think. He died, asshole. He fucking
Cases of telekinesis and various forms of men- plete with the sounds of her shoes against the floor and starved to death. I hope you’re happy with yourself.”
tal invasion have, for the most part, proven to be much the brush of wind as she walked by each person. I closed my eyes and made him see me disap-
more successful. Most people who are reported to have I maintained a running vision of Marybeth’s empty desk, pear. I knew it worked, because for a second he was
possessed these skills have disappeared, likely bought and I prayed no one would go near it. It would be too disoriented. Then he spun around and screamed.
out by sinister corporations or the government. much work to convince someone that they weren’t “I know you’re still in here! Why don’t you
This, like all the other information I’ve read, is touching her, especially since I’d have to make them see face me, asshole?”
incomplete. There seem to be large powers in the world their hand on the empty desk. I began to question As he turned around I saw the gun tucked into
trying to keep anything related to this a huge secret. My whether or not there was an internal nervous sense that his jeans.
goal is to stay below the radar, and do whatever I can to would allow someone to be aware of what they’re doing I made him see me in the doorway, scared,
get the most from my skill. with their own body. pleading with him to be reasonable. He took out his gun
There was a man in Nebraska who could, my That didn’t matter now, though, since I seemed and pointed it the vision.
slightly-crazy book tells me, alter other people’s sense of to be in the clear. I made Marybeth feel my tongue “I know what you can do. You have to be
sight. Now that’s awesome. He was an illusionist, as between her legs, and she gasped louder. She jumped in stopped.”
were many like him. They could make people see or her desk as I continued, trying desperately to keep her I let him feel the vision’s throat in his hands,
hear things, but it was always clear that it wasn’t real. calm so that no one noticed. She gasped even louder, made him smell the sweat of my body.
Swinging a hand through a vision of chocolate bunnies and was surprised that no one was turning around. As I Then I made the vision run.
will prove its non-existence, as will seeing that the radio went to work on her, she began to relax, letting the feel- The man ran out the door after the vision, and I
is turned off even when you can still hear music. ing take over and becoming more and more sure that no did nothing to stop him. Even as I heard the car slam on
None of the books talk about what would hap- one was going to notice. its breaks, and the thud of his body against the pave-
pen if someone could combine these talents. What if Her gasps turned into moans, the moans into ment, I did nothing.
someone swung their hand through the chocolate and screams. She slouched in her chair, threw her head back I turned to my bed, where Dawn was running
felt it slap against them? What if they could smell the and came violently, gripping the sides of her desk. She her hand through her hair and smiling.
sweet combination of sugar and cocoa? What if they breathed heavily and looked around the room, suddenly “That was incredible. You ready to go again?”
could taste it, hear the crunch as they bit it, and feel it aware once again of the other people around.
go down to their stomach? How far would that be from Her eyes were wide with disbelief when she
the chocolate really being there? saw that no one had even flinched. I’m not sure if she I didn’t sleep last night. I’ve been practicing.
44
I don’t want what happened yesterday to hap- breath as it pounces on them. I keep trying but there’s bodies. It’s not enough. I need to see it all.
pen again. I never wanted to hurt anyone. I’m in my nothing I can do to stop it. I’m climbing to my roof, desperate to get a
room, alone, staring at the blank T.V. screen. Marybeth Marybeth is going to call again soon, and I’m good luck at the apocalypse I’ve caused. I’m at the top
Winnings called me twice, telling me how weird it was afraid to know what twisted sexual fantasy I’ve made now, looking over, and I see a carnival.
that she keeps dreaming about me. her live this time. There’s no death, no madness, no chaos. It’s a
Everyone in the town is hallucinating. I I’m losing control. carnival, and it’s the happiest place in the world.
thought I could make them overlook the deaths of two The T.V. screen is black, except for my reflec- I’ve done it. I’ve made myself see. I’ve made
people, and I may have been right, but there are conse- tion. Now is the time to practice the one skill I was myself hear. I made myself taste and touch and smell.
quences. I’m learning now that there are consequences always afraid to try: turning it on myself. It’s no wonder I’d convinced myself that this
for everything. I try to make myself see what everyone else is power was the answer to everything; it’s so goddamned
I tried to massively connect with them, but it seeing, and there’s nothing. I try smelling something beautiful.
was too much. I concentrated so hard on the signal that simple, and it doesn’t work. I know if I can only make I make myself see a lake in front of my house.
they’re all connected. They’re all feeling everything I myself hallucinate, I’ll be able to convince myself that I I look at my feet and notice that I’m standing on a
feel, seeing whatever comes to my mind. d o n ’t have this power. If I do that, the chaos stops. waterfall. I know that if I close my eyes and dive, I’ll
I hear them screaming outside, running from Now I’m running out of my room and onto the be underwater. Once there, I’ll be free.
pink elephants and saber-toothed tigers. I know they front yard, needing to know what I’ve caused. I jump. I definitely haven’t reached the end.
can feel the jaws on their bodies, and the animal’s hot There’s fire, there’s wreckage, and there are Not yet.
A Pause
My fingers stand still. I give them an order and yet they’ve in love with the artificial, it hurts to love I guess.
frozen, they’ve gained independence from my commands. My fin-
gertips feel balmy; the word alone makes me think of how many I look at the crowned heart held by two white golden hands,
times I’ve seen it in connection to a dead body in a murder mys- it’s the last thing I’d ever part with in this room. T h e r e ’s no special
tery. T h e r e ’s no summer heat yet I feel sweaty, and tired as if the inscription on it, it wasn’t made up to the standards of royalty, for
sun had taken a bat to my ribs. The bandage on my left pointer all intents and purposes its nothing more than an ordinary ring. I
keeps unfolding, bending outward towards the keyboard at rest breathe through my nose heavily; I know that’s not true though.
underneath. I let my hands fall, the moisture on my palm smacks There’s the sentimental attachment that makes it significant yet
right into the plastic of the laptop’s casing. I can’t figure out what worthless to anyone else but her. I play with my ring for a minute,
to type, my mind draws a blank. All I can do is piece together ran- taking it off and rolling it in my open palm. Feeling it almost tickles
dom words that make about as much sense as a psych patient’s and with my thumb I push it back towards my middle finger. I’ve
manifesto. I back off for a moment, my back touching the seat for gotten used to wearing it nowadays, weird for someone who’s
the first time in hours. I’m trying to release my tension, trying to never worn a piece of jewelry in their life. I feel like turning to
center myself on something calm, something quiet where I can someone and saying “I miss her you know,” but there’s no one else
lose my thoughts in the ether. My cheek rests on my knuckles as left in the office to say it to. Three whole days, that’s as long as I
my eyes travel around the room. Another boring night full of blank could last before that same feeling creeps back into my heart and
white walls and the fear that sleep is days away. My hand starts fully claims it again. I don’t know how it infects me each time,
tugging at my jeans, I can’t think of a word that quite explains how maybe through my ring, or from the satellites where I pick up her
it feels pinched between my fingers. ‘Does it matter?’ I ask myself. voice. Maybe it’s been latent in my heart to begin with, hidden
My eyes move toward some unremarkable place on my desk inbe- somewhere in the muscle’s walls waiting until it knew she had
tween the computer and my iced tea. It’s just the fake pattern of been gone much too long. I still can’t think of a love story to write,
wood in a red hue, nothing special. I think to myself how amazing but right now I’d settle for just about anything to regain control of
it is that almost anything natural tends to be boring nowadays. So these fingers again.
45
She Blooms, in me!
By Adina Silverbush
Giggling, Sweetness
Sunlight illuminates her hidden treasure
Toys of childhood, her spirit is young
Dancing with plants
Smiling gnome
A piece of her hair still lingers
Spring takes over and beauty overruns us
Grape vines try to escape,
we still battle the blackberries
The garden goddess is still alive,
only now she blooms in me!
Mothers garden like something out of a
dream.
Keeps me company.
46
47
Alex H. Nagler isn’t Professor Nagler;
that’s his dad.
Alex H. Alex H. Nagler can’t help but smile at
Nagler is...
that opening paragraph.
By Alex H. Nagler
___________
Alex H. Nagler really does have pen -
Looking back at the past year, I’ve had guin pajamas. Really.
some great “Alex H. Nagler is” moments
through the past ten issues. The whole
thing really started off as a mixture
between the Daily Show’s Senior
Correspondent thing and Facebook status.
So, for this Lit Sup, combined with some
of my poetry (streams of consciousness, as
I hate writing the a/b/a/b rhyme scheme or Alex was in Cape Cod, behind Boston’s
anything close to it), I’m including some power grid during that summer’s blackout.
of my better “Alex H. Nagler is”es from Suck it, bitch.
the past year, without any of their original
contexts.
Alex H. Nagler’s middle name isn’t Alex H. Nagler isn’t elitist, he just wants
Hamilton, it's Harrison. Do you know how some physical gates. And his French fries.
many times he has heard the Alexander
Hamilton Nagler thing? He’s not named
after the feisty founding father that could
never be President, dammit. It’s been used
since the fourth grade, so stop already. Oh,
and have a nice day.
Alex H. Nagler hates this student gov -

ernment and all its problems, but he sure
Alex H. Nagler, contrary to what you loves writing about it.
may believe, can survive half an hour with -
out Internet. But that’s about it.
Alex H. Nagler enjoys writing these

things, in case you haven’t noticed by now.
Alex H. Nagler is Frosty the Snowman.

Just without all the cocaine connotations.
48
I Hate My Job
A sparse office. There are two desks; SARAH: Early?
one desk sits stage left and faces the EARLY: Sarah? EARLY: No!
stage right wings, while the other is EARLY: Sarah?
upstage center and faces the audi - SARAH: Do you know what’s in the Sarah picks up a letter opener and
ence. EARLY, early thirties and skinny, box? SARAH: I can li ve without the runs around the side of her desk with
sits at the stage left desk. He is mov - Jorgensen file. it. Early gets up and runs in front of
ing furiously through a large stack of EARLY: Yes. the box. Sarah easily shoves him out of
papers, scribbling on each one before EARLY: I know. the way. She gets down on the ground
moving on to the next. SARAH: What’s in the box? and attempts to stick the letter opener
Enter SARAH, late twenties, from the SARAH: But I really need the Fuller into the tape. Early grabs her arms,
stage right wings. She is carrying a EARLY: You didn’t check? folder. and they both grapple with the letter
large rectangular cardboard box, and opener for a moment.
she is having trouble wrapping her SARAH: It’s taped shut. EARLY: The Fuller folder?
arms around it. She staggers across SARAH: Tell me what’s in the box!
the stage and stops in front of Early’s EARLY: Oh. SARAH: The Fuller folder.
desk. She stands there for a few sec - EARLY: No!
onds, trying to get a good grip on the SARAH: So, what’s inside? EARLY: You asked me for that on
box. Early does not look up. She clears Wednesday. SARAH: Tell me!
her throat. No response. A beat. Sarah stares at Early.
SARAH: This Wednesday? EARLY: Okay, fine!
SARAH: Early? SARAH: I shook the box.
EARLY: Yes, this Wednesday. They stop grappling and stand for a
No answer. Early stops working. beat.
SARAH: I know that I definitely don’t
SARAH: Early! EARLY: You shook the box? have it. EARLY: I don’t know what’s in the box.
EARLY: Sarah? SARAH: I shook the box. And I EARLY: I know for a fact that you have SARAH: You don’t know what’s in the
dropped it on the floor. Just now. it. box?
SARAH: Where do you want it?
EARLY: You shook it and you dropped SARAH: Why do you say that? EARLY: I don’t know what’s in it, but
EARLY: Want what? it? it’s my responsibility. So fuck off,
Early stops working. Sarah. For once in your life, just fuck
A beat. Sarah juggles the box. SARAH: Actually, I didn’t shake it so the fuck off!
much as jump with it and listen to it EARLY: Because I needed it this morn-
SARAH: Early! rattle. ing and I didn’t have it. So, that means They stand facing each other for a
that you must have it. And when beat.
EARLY: Sarah? EARLY: You shook the box? you’re done with it, please give it to
me. SARAH: Let’s open it together, Early.
SARAH: This is heavy, Early! SARAH: So it’s something that can be
broken? A beat. Early goes back to work. Sarah EARLY: What? No!
EARLY: I know. Corpora t e ’s been goes back to work, scribbling even
b reathing down my neck all day. Early looks at Sarah, who smiles. He more furiously. After a beat, Sarah SARAH: Fo rget about corporate!
Where have you been? goes back to his paperwork. She fol - gets up from her desk and walks over Forget about Fuller, and forget about
lows suit. They work for a beat. to the to right drawer in Early’s desk. Jorgensen, too. We’ve been here too
Early looks up at Sarah, then returns to She throws it open and begins to furi - long, Early! We deserve to know
his paperwork. SARAH: Early? ously rummage through it. When she what’s in this box. We deserve to do
is finished, she slams it shut and walks something else besides paperwork!
EARLY: Just put it on your desk. I don’t EARLY: Sarah! back to her own desk.
want to lift it later. It’s probably heavy. She stretches out the hand that holds
SARAH: I definitely don’t have the Sarah throws open the drawer on the the letter opener. Early stares at it.
Sarah drops it on the floor in front of Jorgensen file. Can you just check your left side of her desk and repeats her After a moment, he turns and walks
Early’s desk. Early doesn’t look up. desk? rummaging with the same kind of fury back around his desk. He sits down
Sarah sits at her desk and begins to as previously demonstrated. She picks and resumes his work.
work her way through a large pile of EARLY: No! up all of the file folders and throws
papers. The two work in total unison them on the floor on the side of her Sarah stands in front of the box.
for a beat. SARAH: Why not? desk. She gets on the ground and rum - Eventually, she turns back to her desk.
mages through them. She stops after a She picks up the files from the floor
SARAH: Early? EARLY: Because I know that I gave it moment, stares at the mess, and then and places them in the drawer. She
to you yesterday. You asked me for it puts her hand on the side of the desk shuts the drawer. She sits down at her
EARLY: Sarah? and I gave it to you. to hoist herself up. Two file folders desk.
come away with her hand. She looks at
SARAH: Can you give me the SARAH: That makes no sense, because them for a moment, then walks over to They work in unison.
Jorgensen file? I only needed it just now. Early’s desk and places one of them
down. EARLY: Sarah?
EARLY: I gave it to you yesterday. EARLY: Check your desk, Sarah.
Sarah walks back to her desk. She No response.
SARAH: That’s impossible. SARAH: I already did, Early! steps over the pile of file folders and
sits down. EARLY: Sarah!
EARLY: How is that? Early looks up from his paperwork.
They work in unison for a beat. SARAH: Early?
Sarah stops working. EARLY: Check your fucking desk,
Sarah. Sarah stops working. EARLY: This folder on my desk. Is it the
SARAH: Why would I have asked you Fuller folder?
for the Jorgensen file yesterday? I did- Early goes back to his paperwork. SARAH: Early!
n’t need it yesterday. I need it today. Sarah does as well, but she moves SARAH: It’s the Fuller folder.
slowly and angrily. After a beat, she EARLY: Sarah?
EARLY: You needed it yesterday. You stops working and slams down her EARLY: And you have the Jorgensen
specifically asked me for it and I gave pen. Sarah gets up from her desk, SARAH: What’s in the box, Early? file?
it to you. walks over to Early’s desk, opens the
top left drawer and begins to go EARLY: Don’t worry about it, Sarah. SARAH: I have the Jorgensen file.
Sarah opens the top right drawer of through it. When she is done rummag -
her desk and rummages through it. ing, she shuts it and stands over Early A beat. EARLY: Good.
She sits back in her chair for a beat as for a moment. She walks away, sits
Early continues to work through his back at her desk, and goes back to her SARAH: Early? SARAH: Good.
paperwork. Then, she returns to her paperwork.
paperwork. EARLY: Sarah! They continue to work in unison.
After a beat, Sarah stops working.
SARAH: Early? SARAH: Can I open the box? END SCENE.
49
MACK THE K N I F E BAR & PUB – M A N HATTA N , NEW Y O R K
9: 51 P M – F R I D AY
DON’T ASK, DON’T TELL.
By Vincent Michael Festa.
Tom Fayh or n sat silen tly with his han ds f olded un der
Don't ask, don't tell. h is ch in . Th e bar ten der came ov er , dr yi n g a sh ot g lass
w ith a dir ty w h ite r ag .
One policy that I prefer to live by is this “Hey, Tom,” said th e bar ten der .
one. One phrase that stands out to be Fayh or n look ed up at th e bear ded man w ith th e
true, w h ite apr on stan din g bef or e h im. He w as still dr yin g th e
g lass but doin g it absen tly n ow , h is atten tion f ocused on
Don't ask, don't tell. Fayh or n .
“Wh at is it, Mack ? ”
How would you like it if you were in a
“Well,” said th e bar ten der . “I h ate to both er you,
conversation and asked for someone's
name that you were curious about, Tom, but you’ v e g ot a ph on e call.”
only to have the other person tell you He g ot up f r om th e table an d th e bar ten der led h im
things you didn’t want to know or beh in d th e bar . An g r y customer s w er e alr eady callin g out,
cared to ask about? pr otestin g th e lack of ser v ice. Fayh or n ig n or ed th em. He
took his hat of f , sh ook his hair , an d r eplaced th e h at on his
Don't ask, don't tell. h ead. He pick ed up th e ph on e an d r ested th e cr adle on h is
sh oulder . He r each ed down below th e coun ter an d br oug h t
How would you feel reading about a up a bottle of Jack Dan iels an d a small g lass.
crush's private life, details you didn't
“Wh ich lin e is it on , Mack ? ”
need to know or cared about that strike
Th e bar ten der h ad alr eady mov ed past h im an d was
you differently about someone. Details
mixin g dr in k s f or a youn g couple at th e en d of th e bar .
that makes you feel left out, foolish, or
jealous? “I t’ s on th r ee, Tom,” h e called w ith out looki n g up.
Fayh or n pr essed th e button n ext to th e wh ite tape
Don't ask, don't tell. w ith th e n ame AMBR OSE scr aw led acr oss it in quick black
letter s. He un scr ewed th e cap of f th e Jack Dan iels an d
I had a lot of things ruined for me w aited f or th e lin e to con n ect. I t alw ays took at least th ir -
because friends chose to interfere in ty secon ds to con n ect f r om th e bar ph on e. P iece of cr ap is
my personal life just to get a rise. w h at it w as.
Realise how it feels when someone He w as just beg in n in g to pour h is dr in k w h en h e
from a team messes up and you pick
h ear d th e v oice on th e oth er lin e, th e v oice h e’ d been
up the slack, how you wait in line for a
expectin g .
movie only for someone to give the
ending away, or even the idea of “Tom, ar e you th er e? ”
someone getting in between you and “Y eah , I ’ m h er e Kat.” Th en h e added, h alf - jok in g ,
what you need to do when it's only “How ’ d you k n ow wh er e to f in d me? ”
your responsibility, your dilemma, or “Ar e you k iddin g , Tom? ”
your business. “As a matter of f act, I am.”
“We n eed you f or th is case. I t’ s pr etty bad. We g ot
Don't ask, don't tell. blue an d f or en sics dow n th er e n ow , but th ey’ r e n ot mov -
in g un til w e g et th er e.”
Because of what happened in the past, Fayh or n g lan ced at h is w atch . “ Giv e me th e addr ess.
I make it an effort to try and get out of
I ’ ll tak e a taxi.” He fin ish ed h is dr in k s as sh e gav e h im th e
as much of getting to know someone
addr ess. He closed h is eyes an d mov ed h is mouth silen tly,
as I can before I, not others, decide for
myself what I want to know about a committin g it to memor y. He th an k ed h er an d hun g up th e
person. I want to take full control and ph on e.
responsibility, not others, of my life He took his h at of f an d felt alon g th e velv et br im. He
and destiny. I, not others, want to tur n ed to th e bar ten der , w h o w as pour in g a dr in k f or an
make the effort of taking or firing my ol d man w ith a scar alon g h is n eck . “How much f or th e
shots, not others. dr in k , Mack ? ”
“I t’ s on th e h ouse, Tom,” th e bar ten der r eplied,
To each, his or her own. ag ain with out look in g up.
Fayh or n smiled. “I ’ m g on n a put you g uys out of
busin ess.”
50
1402 223rd S TR EET – M A NHATTAN, N EW Y O R K li ke a seri al kil ler to me.”
10 :38 PM – FR I D A Y “So why do you think it’s a cult ?” Kat asked.
“I just do. You saw those cir cle s. You were there .
The buil ding was abandoned, that was the first thi ng . The Didn’ t somethi ng feel …stra ng e?”
lobby floor was decor ated wi th concent ri c ci rcl es: orang e, “Ki nd of. What do you want to do?”
red, bla ck . In the cent er was a body. “We can star t by paying thi s gu y’s famil y a visit.
His midsecti on was caved in, making it seem li ke he died Where’ d he live?”
of starvat ion rat her than being cr ushed. There was no mur- “Long Isla nd.”
der weapon visi ble. His eyes wer e open and wi de, as if he ha d Fayhorn sli pped his coat on. “Let’ s take a ri de.”
watch ed Satan h imself f ly dow n f r om th e ceilin g just
moments befor e he died. And that pr obably wasn’ t far from
the truth. P EN N STATION – M AN HATTA N, NEW Y O R K
He cro uche d down besi de the body and stared. He could- 10 :21 A M – S A T U R D AY
n’t be sure how much time passed, but when Kat put a ha nd on
his shoulder it felt like he was waking from a dream. “We can’ t be doing thi s,” Kat said as they passed under
“Now you know why they call ed us,” she said. the bi g sign that said PENN SHOPPING. “We have to fil e
Fayhorn nodded. It was certa inl y no myster y how thi s papers, go back to the cri me scene - Jesus, Tom, this is insane. ”
man ha d died: he was crushed to death by an anvil . “We ha ve to get out there and take a look before any one
“It’ s just like in the cart oons, isn’ t it?” Kat said. else does. This gu y Ar nold li ved alone , so for all we know
Fayhorn nodded agai n. “This was the work of a truly the re could be people at hi s house ri ght now, goi ng thro ugh
sick mind.” shit and movi ng thi ng s around -- people connec ted wi th the
“Do you want me to bag the evide nce?” murder.”
Fayhorn hel d the photograph in his hand. It showe d They fol lowed the signs t o the Long Isla nd Rai lr oad and
the man, laying dead just as he was r ight now . But instea d of made it just in time to see thei r trai n go by. Kat laug hed.
his ar ms lying peacefull y by his side the y were clutchi ng a “It was your idea to get the hot dogs,” Fayhorn said as he
thi rt y-pound anv il that ha d bee n dropped on his midsection. sat down on his br iefc ase. “So I don’t know why you’r e
On the bottom of the picture there was one wor d scraw led in laughing.”
red ink : Kat just shru gged her shoul ders. “You want to get a
drink ? ”
Z WOL F Thre e minutes later they were sitting in the back of a
mock-I r ish pub near the tic ket counter , each wit h a drink in
“What do you thi nk tha t means?” Kat asked. the ir hand.
Fayhorn shook his head. “I t could mean anyt hing, “How ’ve you bee n doing?”
rea ll y. Whoever kill ed hi m was trying to send a messag e. “Wel l.”
L et’s get some pri nts and some mud samples from the floor “I’m still missing my leathe r boots. You should give
since it was ra ini ng this afte rnoon. Any glob of mud that the m back.”
might even resemble the bottom of a work man’ s boot I want “We’ re alre ady in trouble for skipping town. Let’ s
photogra phed and quarant ine d. We’ ll also need a traj ectory make the most of it and not fi ght .”
estimation and the ar ea of possible propulsio n. I want to know Kat sat back and tossed her bla zer onto the booth seat.
how fast this thing was going and how high it would have to “What do you want to do then, get drunk? That’s the answer ,
be to go that fast .” isn’ t it? How many days have you been sober in the past few
Kat crouched down besi de hi m. “Thi s is why the y call months? Two? It ha s to be thre e at most, and I’l l bet those
you for these case s. Nothi ng surpri ses you.” days were an acci dent.”
He smiled. “I always thought it was the hat .” Fayhorn was sil ent.
“I knew it. One day you’ re gonna wake up and rea li ze
tha t you’ve let your enti re li fe slip through your fi ng er s.”
7t h P R E C I N C T – M A NHATTAN, N EW Y O R K Fayhorn fini shed his drink. “I doubt that .”
8: 04 A M – S A T U RD A Y
Kat sat wit h her feet up on her desk, her long brow n hai r A R N O LD R E SI DE NCE – M A N O RV I L LE , N E W Y O RK
running smoothl y down he r sho ulders. Her gun stra ps wer e 2 :18 P M – S ATU R D AY
on over the blue blouse she was wear ing. Her blazer was
thr own over the desk, partiall y coveri ng stacks of paperw ork The house smell ed old, as if it had been abandone d years
tha t were yet to be fi led. She lit a cigaret te as Fayhorn sat ago inste ad of days. Fayhorn frow ned. The situation was the
down across fro m her. exact opposite of what he’d expected. The carpet was clean,
“So, what are you thi nk ing, Tom? ” the Bible was on the end table, every remote was accounte d
Fayhorn shook hi s hea d. “I don’t know . He was mur- for and the televisi on was per fectl y polished.
dered, but you already know that .” The kit chen was even wor se. Every chai r was pushe d
“Why don’t you tell me what you’ re rea ll y thi nk ing ? ” in, ever y cabinet closed, no dishe s in the sink, no hal f-eat en
Fayhorn sighed. He might as well. “I was thi nk ing it cer eal bowl s on the table; everythi ng was perfect .
was some sor t of cult thing, but the message seems a lot more “Hey Kat, are you getting what I’m get ting ? ”
51
Kat nodded. “This isn’t the typical cl eanup before the happ en. He sensed what was goi ng on, and knew that she’ d be
daily commute.” better off in the city, taking car e of her work and li ving he r
“It doesn’t seem li ke it.” li fe in peac e -- or ignora nce. He had a feel ing she could do
“So wha t do you think it is? ” nei ther , whethe r he tr ied to stop her or not.
Fayhorn opened the coffee maker and ra n his fi ng er He looked back at the picture and frow ned.
insi de. Not only were there no signs of rec ent usage, but It was a photograph of a boy lying on the fl oor of a high
the re was no fil ter. That bothe red him. “I think he planne d school gymnasium, his body twisted in a way Fayhorn ha d
on leavi ng . It looks li ke he wasn’t planning on being back never seen before . It seemed as if the k id had tr ied to turn hi s
for a whil e.” body 180 degrees whil e rea ching for his sneaker . All four
“How do you know? ” li mbs wer e broken, and althoug h the photograph mad e it dif-
Fayhorn brow sed thro ugh the cabinet s. “Thi s isn’t a ficul t to tell, the nec k and spine pro babl y were , too.
cl ean house, Kat. This is a house tha t’s rea dy to be sold.” “What happened to thi s kid?”
Kat smil ed. “Yo u said houseca t.” Forester - a fit, youthful deputy in his ear ly thi rti es-
“I was talking about somethi ng , wasn’ t I?” looked up from hi s logbook and pointe d at the gl ass doors. “We
“You alw ays are. ” found him at the hi gh school, just a few hour s afte r cl asses
wer e over. We figu re some kids wai ted in the locker r oom
unt il everyone left , then beat him in the gym. They r eally
W E EK ’ S COFF EE SHOP – H AMPTON B A YS , N EW Y O R K had it in for the gu y.”
3: 37 P M – S A T U R D AY “So he was wai ting wi th them?”
“We don’t know what the boy was doing the re. A jani -
Fayhorn closed his notebook and shrug ged. “I guess that’ s it, tor found the body and dial ed 9- 1-1. The sce ne’s intac t --
the n.” minus the body, of course -- but if you want to chec k it out-”
Kat frow ned. “No, Tom, that can’ t be it. No way.” Fayhorn slid the photogra ph back and walked to the
“I’m afrai d it is. What else do you want me to say? ” door. “Come on, Kat!”
“I don’t know . Wha t are you gonna do, leave?” “Where ’re we going?”
“I didn’ t say I was leaving.” “To re li ve your glor y days.”
“Tom, if not for you, the n at least do it for me. Ple ase.” “You mean every day before I met you?”
Fayhorn sigh ed. “Fine, you win.” He looked up at the Tom smiled. “Even better: hi gh schoo l.”
wai ter. “I guess I’ m goi ng to add on a hambu rger platter… Kat handed the stack of paper s back t o the rec eptionist .
wi th extra fr ies.” “Stil l counts.”
The wai ter nodded. “Give it a fe w minutes.”
Fayhorn looked over at Kat, who was smil ing. “Ar e you
happ y now? Just because I or dered it doesn’t mean I’m going R I VER HEAD H IGH S CHOOL – R IV E R H E A D , NEW Y OR K
to eat it. And what was that about doing it for you?” 5: 06 P M – S A T U R D AY
“I’m just gonna eat by myself whi le you stare at me in
frus trat ion long enoug h to warr ant a chi ldish storm-off to the Forester nodded to the gu ard as they ducked under the
car ? Whe n I order , you order. Clear?” yell ow tape surroundi ng the gy mnasi um. He looked back at
“Quite. Now let’s talk about our fri end Mr. Arno ld.” Fayh or n . “ Ar e you sur e th is is r elated to your case,
Kat shrugg ed. “I thi nk we should go bac k to the Detective?”
pr eci nct. There’ s nothi ng more we can do he re.” “I’m pr etty sur e it is.”
Fayhorn shook hi s hea d. “No, no. There’ s ple nty to do “I hat e to admit it, but we do ha ve more than one
here .” unso lved murder in this town.”
“Like what ?” “Not like thi s.” Fayhorn r eplied.
“Fi nd out why hi s house was cl eaned to perfec tion They ducked under another set of yellow tape that ha d
when he died.” pr eviously formed a peri meter around the body. Kat looked
“Why would someone do that ?” around, conf used. “There ’s no blood or any thing.”
“The same rea son people always cle an things: to get ri d Forester nodded. “There was none on the sce ne. Ther e
of a mess.” wer e no le sions on the body, and the cor oner’ s report said the
br uises were caused by the bones breaki ng outwards.”
“I wish I ’ d seen the photo before we left .”
S H ER I F F’S OFF I C E – R I VER H E A D , NEW Y OR K “How many bones wer e broken?” Fayhorn asked.
4: 34 P M – S A T U R D AY Forester was sil ent at fi rst, the n bit hi s lip uncomfort -
ably and took a breat h. “Al l of them.”
Fayhorn ran his fingers along the br im of his hat . He Fayhorn shook hi s hea d. “I mean the whole body.”
didn’t like the air i n the lobby ; it made hi s eyes hu r t. Kat was “So do I.”
looking throug h a stack of papers the rec eptionist ha d ha nd- Kat smil ed. “On sec ond thought, I’ m gla d you didn’t
ed her, but so far she didn’t look impr essed. show me.”
Fayhorn looked at her for a whil e, as he often did. Fayhorn looked around the gym, surveying the are a
Ther e was a quali ty in he r -- somethi ng he’ d nev er be able to but not seeing any thing el se out of plac e. He paused when he
descr ibe but had alw ays respect ed. He car ed for her eno ugh came to a gia nt banner advert isi ng the football team’ s next
to want he r off the case, but he could see now tha t it woul dn’t home game. The banner was held by four r opes, one for ea ch
52
cor ner. The ropes looped thr ough bronze ri ngs and wer e Fayhorn fli pped his cell phone open and gestured to
ancho red to metal poles by the doors and iron fra mewor k in Kat. “I’l l cal l in if you fi nd a motel.”
the ceil ing. “We’ ll be in a heap of shi t if we don’t come back agai n.
“What happened to the rope? ” Fayhorn asked. This’ ll be the thi rd time I’ ve gotten in trouble for thi s, Tom.”
Kat and Forester looked at the banner , confu sed. “Does that mean you’ re going back without me?”
Fayhorn point ed to the ri ght corner. “That rope… it’s Kat sighed and looked for a phonebook.
tied on both ends, li ke the others. But it’s got a knot in the “Deputy, wha t’s thi s gu y’ s name?”
middle, whi ch the others don’t have.” “John Wilse y. He was a local real tor.”
“You think someone cut the rope and the n ret ied it? ” “Get me an address and a list of ne arby famil y.”
Kat asked.
“It’ s plausible, espec ial ly if time wasn’t on thei r side. If
the y nee ded that par t of the banner loose but didn’ t want to W I L S EY R E S I D E N C E – EA S T MORICHES, N EW Y O R K
spend a few minut es messing with the anc hors, it makes sense 9: 14 A M – S U ND A Y
tha t they’d cut it.”
“Let’ s get the banner down.” Kat said. Fayh or n an d Kat sat un comf or tabl y on th e couch as
A few m inu tes later Forester was in the ir on framew ork th e gir l r etur n ed f r om th e kitch en . Sh e han ded th em each
of the ceil ing, cutting the upper right rope with a r azor. “I a g lass an d sat acr oss f r om th em.
don’t know how these gu ys do it.” he call ed down. “I thoug ht “Th an k s f or th e lemon ade, Ms. Wilsey- - ” Fayh or n
it was scary gett ing up he re, but navigat ing throug h the se said.
bars is a lot worse. ” “Y ou can call me Ellen .”
“Jus t kee p steady and go slowl y.” Kat call ed back. Fayh or n sipped h is dr in k an d n odded. “ I t’ s g ood.”
After another minu te, the rope bro ke and the ri ght side “I made it myself .”
of the banne r fe ll over itself, drooping just above the floor. “Y ou did a g r eat job.” He paused. “I k n ow th is may
They all stared at the bric k wall the banne r had been cover- n ot be a g ood time f or you, an d you’ r e pr obably w on der in g
ing. S omeone had writ ten, i n thre e-foot high l etters wit h re d w h y we’ r e in v estig atin g you f ath er ’ s death .”
paint : “I t cr ossed my min d, but I ’ m still ok ay to talk about
it.”
ELF “Ellen , did your f ath er act str an g ely at all in th e
w eek s leadin g up to h is h ear t attack ? Maybe h e lef t th e
“What do you thi nk tha t means?” Kat asked. h ouse a lot, or at r an dom times? ”
Fayhorn frowne d. “It means I know why our buddy “Noth in g lik e th at.”
Arnol d was call ed ‘Z Wolf’ .” “Was th er e an yth in g dif f er en t about h is beh av ior ?
“Z Wolf and Elf? Sounds li ke Dungeons & Dragons to me. Sl eep sc h edule, bi polar i sm, depr essi on , i n c r ease or
You think it’s some sort of gee k cult ?” decr ease in ph ysical activ ities? ”
Fayhorn shook hi s hea d. “No.” “No. At least, n ot th at I n oticed. He w as completely
“The n wha t?” h imself . Wh y is th at impor tan t? ”
“It means there are at least ten more mur ders we don’t “So h e didn ’ t act out of th e or din ar y at all? ” K at
know about.” ask ed.
“Himself ,” Ellen r eplied. “ He w as h imself . Wh y do
you ask ? ”
S H ER I F F’S OFF I C E – R I VER H E A D , NEW Y OR K “We believ e your f ath er may h av e been in v olv ed in
7: 18 P M – S A T U R D AY an un auth or ized placebo exper imen t per f or med by a local
r esear ch lab an d th at it may h av e played a r ole in wh at
Fayhorn shuff led throug h a box of case fi les. “Elf and zwölf h appen ed to h im.”
are consecuti ve numb ers in the German nu mera l system. Elf “Y ou’ r e tellin g me a bun ch of doctor s k illed my
is eleven, zwölf is twelve. We need to fi nd out when and dad? ”
wher e the first ten murder s happ ened.” “We don ’ t kn ow an yth in g for sur e. Th at’ s wh y we’ r e
“Do you want me to cal l the sheri ff? ” Forest er asked. h er e.”
“No. We need to keep this t o oursel ves, at least unti l the Ellen n odded, h er eyes swellin g . “I ’ m sor r y. I
morni ng . As soon as this goes back to the prec inct , we’r e th oug h t I w as ok ay to talk about it, but h ear in g th at it was-
gonna lose it to the FBI.” n ’ t h is f ault… I always told h im to eat h ealth y an d exer cise
“Isn’t that good?” lik e I do, but h e n ev er listen ed. I t’ s so self ish , but I almost
“I’m not looking forwa rd to the m stepping on our f eel r eliev ed to k n ow th er e w as n oth in g I could h av e
shoes, especia ll y since I’m alr eady stepping on yours. But don e.”
when the time’ s r ight, I care more about the case bei ng solved “Th at’ s n ot self ish ,” K at said. “I t mean s you car ed
tha n taking cre dit for it.” about h im.”
“Bu llshi t.” Kat laug hed. “I h ope th at’ s wh at it mean s.”
“Don’t listen to her.” “Y ou’ v e an swer ed all our question s, Ellen , an d r ig h t
Forester pulled out a fol der. “This one’ s from Monday, n ow you’ v e don e th e best you can to h elp h im, ev en
labeled as a hea rt attack. It ’s pret ty str aight forwa rd, but we th oug h h e’ s passed on . As soon as we f in d mor e in f or ma-
can chec k it out.” tion , we’ ll let you k n ow .”
53
Ellen n odded as th ey h an ded th eir lemon ade g lasses Wilsey an d w h at sh e’ s f eelin g , but I h av e to sacr if ice wh at
back to h er . “ Th an k you.” I kn ow I can do to help her in or der to h elp oth er s, so don ’ t
attack my meth ods, be cause your def in ition of sen sitiv ity
applies on ly to immediate situation s. An d, lastly, if you’ r e
L ON G I S L A ND E XP RES SWAY – R I VER H E A D , NEW Y OR K g oin g to disag r ee w ith me, disagr ee w ith my decision to
10 :02 A M – S U N D AY deliber ately do w h at I did, in stead of in sin uatin g th at an y
par t of it was based on in stin ct- or an y oth er in stin ctual
Fayhorn chec ked the rent al car ’s rear view mirr or as tr ait of my ch ar acter .”
the y drove down the hi ghw ay. “I w ill n ev er , ev er ask ag ain . Y ou talk mor e n ow th an you
“No one’ s fol lowing you,” Kat said. did wh en w e w er e tog eth er .”
“You ne ver know. ” “I r eally don ’ t.”
“So wha t was all that bull shi t about a placebo experi ment? ” Kat laug h ed loudly. “ Y ou so do. Y ou used to be able to talk
Kat asked. my ear of f w ith th at existen tial cr ap, but n ow it’ s lik e,
“I ha d to come up with something.” w h oa! Didn ’ t k n ow th er e was a ser mon in tow n .”
“Yea h, wel l it real ly got her worked up. What’s the “Y ou took aw ay my on ly dev oted listen er .”
point of solving murder cases if “Y ou lan ded on th e bed, dr un k , ask ed me to f uck you-
you’ re gonna destr oy people’ s - ag ain - - an d th en called me by someon e else’ s n ame.”
li ves in the proc ess?” Fayh or n sig h ed. “ I t w as a r an dom n ame. I was
“Y ou r eally do dr un k . I ’ v e n ev er ev en h ear d th e n ame Fsh aw n bef or e.
h av e a pen si on f or I t mig h t n ot h av e ev en been a n ame- - I could h av e
drama, don’t you?” been tr yin g to th r ow up. I don ’ t r emember .”
“Y ou h av e a “I t w as th e last in a ser ies of v er y, v er y lon g
pen sion f or bein g str aws.”
insensi tive.” “Y ou pulled th em.”
Fayhorn shook “How about th e on e w h er e w e’ r e par tn er s,
his he ad. “It’ s not th en w e each g et r eassig n ed, a f ew mon th s later - ”
about sensi tivity, it’s “K at- ”
about pri ori ties.” “A f ew mon th s later we’ r e sleepin g tog eth er ,
“Explain. ” th en we’ r e all on dates w ith f low er s
“An y per son w h o an d meetin g th e par en ts, an d
liv es th eir lif e in an y sor t th en we’ r e n ot- ”
of mor al f ash ion does so n ot
by in stin ct, but by aw ar en ess.
Th ey’ r e opposites, Kat. A k ar ate exper t
tr ain s h imself to f ig h t by in stin ct, but a k ar ate master
tr ain s h imself to f ig h t by awar en ess. On ce you h av e th e
in stin ct, w h at mak es you better th an all th e r est is your
on en ess with th e wor ld. Wh en you can f eel th e ch an g es in
th e win d an d k n ow th e soun ds people mak e wh en th ey’ r e
ev en th in k in g about appr oach in g you, you’ v e ach iev ed “Don ’ t- ”
aw ar en ess.” “An d th en , a f ew week s af ter we’ v e called it quits,
“How does th at apply to you bein g an in sen sitiv e ass- sudden ly we’ r e par tn er s ag ain . How th e h ell did th at h ap-
h ole? ” pen ? ”
“L ik e th is: I could g o eith er w ay with a subject lik e “I th oug h t we could still be f r ien ds.”
Ellen Wilsey. Maybe I ’ m str uck by sen sitiv ity, an d I ch ase “Y ou w er e r ig h t. But th at’ s n ot wh y you did it.”
th at f eelin g , or mayb e I k eep my min d on th e mission an d Fayh or n sh ook h is h ead. “Non e of th is ev en mat-
label human emotion as noth in g mor e th an a distr action . I ter s.”
could do on e of th ose, or f all somew h er e in th e middle, but “Wh at doesn ’ t? ”
w h atev er th e case, it won ’ t be because of in stin c t. Ev er y “Th is con v er sation about us, th e on e w e h ad about
situation , n o matter h ow big or small, r equir es a complete- Ellen Wilsey, w h atev er you’ r e about to say n ext.”
ly n ew set of mor al pr ior ities. Y ou h av e to be aw ar e of “Wh y doesn ’ t it matter ? ”
ev er yth in g - - past, pr esen t an d f utur e; w h er e you ar e, “ Because w e w ouldn ’ t h av e ev en star ted talk in g
w h er e you ar en ’ t. Th at’ s th e aw ar en ess th at in f or ms your about our r elation sh ip if I ’ d told you wh at I kn ew wh en w e
decision s, K at. I k n ew I w as k ick in g up a dir ty r ock f or an g ot in th is car .”
in n ocen t g ir l be f or e I ev en walk ed in to h er h ouse. I “An d w h at do you kn ow ? ”
th oug h t about h er f eelin g s an d h ow much it w ould h ur t “Th at Ellen Wilsey isn ’ t tellin g us ev er yth in g .”
h er to h av e h er f ath er ’ s death sudden ly be an un solv ed “ Ok ay, you’ v e succ essf ully ch an g ed th e subject.
case, but I also th oug h t about th e people w h o ar e g oin g to Back to th e late Joh n Wilsey’ s daug h ter - - w h at w ould sh e
die if we don ’ t g o th r oug h w ith it. Sh e’ s g oin g th r oug h a w an t to h ide? ”
r oug h time, but h er f ath er w en t th r oug h a r ough er on e. “Someth in g th at scar es h er . Wh atev er it is, w e h av e
Ten or elev en oth er people did, too. I ’ m aw ar e of Ms. to f in d out bef or e sh e- - an d oth er s- - g et h ur t. I h av e some
54
ban k in g busin ess I h av e to tak e car e of , so I ’ m g on n a dr op Fayh or n jumped back , tr ipped ov er th e cof f ee table
you of f w ith th e deputy. Fin d out an yth in g you can about an d f ell to th e couch . Ellen str ode to h im, h er h ips mov in g
th e Wilsey f amily.” in g r acef ul r h yth m w ith h er ar ms.
“I r eally must th an k you. I w as g ettin g so tir ed of
bein g th e sweet ch ick .”
WI L S E Y R E S I DE N CE – E A S T M OR I CH E S , N E W Y OR K “Wh at th e h ell’ s g oin g on ? ”
11: 39 A M – S U N DA Y Ellen low er ed h er k n ee to th e couch , pr essin g it
f ir mly between h is leg s. “ I don ’ t k n ow h ow you man ag ed
Fayh or n h eld up h is g lass of lemon ade an d smiled. it, but you made th e con n ection s. Th at’ s br ain s. I h av en ’ t
“Just as g ood as it w as bef or e.” f oun d a min d lik e th at in a lon g , lon g time.”
“Th an k you,” Ellen said as sh e set th e pitch er on th e Fayh or n tr ied to sh if t f r ee, th en san k back in to th e
cof f ee table. cush ion .
“But your act isn ’ t.” Ellen smiled. “I t’ s a will spell. Th ey’ r e dif f icult to
Ellen f r oze, th en looke d up at h im slowly . “ Wh at do per f or m, but I ’ v e g otten a lot better lately. Y ou dr an k
you mean ? ” some damn g ood lemon ade, mixed w ith some items you’ d
“I don ’ t buy it. Ev er yth in g you told us you didn ’ t r ath er n ot k n ow about. I did th e in can tation s ear lier , to
k n ow- - my par tn er couldn ’ t see th r oug h it, but I did.” sav e time. Will spells ar e so g r eat b ecause th ey on ly tak e
“I don ’ t k n ow w h at you’ r e talk - ” ef f ect w h en th e master star es in to th e slav e’ s eyes f or at
“Y ou told us your f ath er displayed n o abn or mal least th ir ty secon ds.”
beh av ior bef or e h is death . Y ou said h e didn ’ t g o out at “Wh at h av e you don e to me? ”
r an dom times an d th at h e n ev er alter ed h is sleep sch ed- “I fig ur ed, if you lef t quietly, it w ould w ear of f in six
ule.” h our s an d n oth in g would h av e h appen ed. Bu t n ow - w ell,
“I w as tellin g you th e tr uth .” I ’ m af r aid I can ’ t let you leav e.”
“I kn ow . I saw it in your eyes. Th at’ s wh at tipped me Fayh or n tr ied to g et up ag ain .
of f . Y ou see , I ’ m f ollow in g a str in g of mur der s, all don e in “Stay dow n !” Ellen yelled. He f ell back to th e couch .
bizar r e, impr obable f ash ion s, an d I ’ m con v in ced your Sh e r an h er f in g er s ov er h is sh ir t slow ly, lick i n g h er lips.
f ath er ’ s death is someh ow con n ected.” “I don ’ t th in k I told you h ow badly br ain s tur n me on .”
“Wh y? ” Fayh or n sh ook h is h ead.
“Because your f ath er sold a h ouse to William Ar n old, “Take my sh ir t of f ,” sh e said quietly.
th e same house I was in yester day. Last nig h t, as I was lay- Fayh or n g r abbed th e en ds of h er sh ir t an d pulled it ov er
in g aw ak e in my motel, I popped open my laptop an d h er h ead.
r esear ch ed your f ath er ’ s clien ts. Un f or tun ately, I could- Ellen closed h er eyes an d sig h ed deeply. “ P ut your self
n ’ t f in d a tr an saction w ith R ick y L umis, a teen ag e r wh o in side of me an d don ’ t look back .”
w as k illed r ecen tly in h is h ig h sch ool g ymn asium.”
“So my f ath er isn ’ t con n ected.”
Fayh or n sh ook h is h ead. “ I did, h ow ev er , f in d a car WI L S E Y R E S I DE N CE – E A S T M OR I CH E S , N E W Y OR K
r eg ister ed to R ick y Lu mis. Th at car was, eigh t mon th s ag o, 12: 41 P M – S U N DA Y
r eg ister ed to a Mr . Joh n Wilsey of th is addr ess. Y our dad
sold h im th e car .” Fayh or n star ed up at th e ceilin g . “Th at w as aw k -
“I f you th in k my f ath er w as in v olv ed, w h y did you w ar d.”
pr eten d it w as a r esear ch scan dal? ” Ellen k n elt beside h im, h er h ousedr ess f or min g
“Because I h ad to k n ow if you w er e in v olv ed.” n eatly ar oun d h er leg s. “Wh y, mister , you h av e def iled me.
“ I ’ m n ot.” Sh ame on you.”
“Y es, you ar e. Y our f ath er displayed n o abn or mal “Oh w ell.”
beh av ior because h e w asn ’ t ki lled in th e same w ay as th e Ellen ch an g ed h er appear an ce back . “ Oh w ell? I
oth er s. Y ou con f ir med th at f or me w h en you told me th e tr ied to play a g ame with you, detectiv e. Th e least you
tr uth . Wh en you wen t alon g w ith th e r esear ch bit, I k n ew could do is play alon g .”
you w er e h oldin g back. Y our f ath er w as mur der ed, Ellen , “I ’ m n ot in th e mood.”
an d you n eed to tell me w h o was r espon sible.” “Hatin g your self f or sleepi n g w ith th e en emy? ”
“He w asn ’ t mur der ed.” Fayh or n tur n ed an d sh ook h is h ead. “No. Actually,
“Y es, h e w as. He w as mur der ed because h e k n ew I k in d of en joye d th at par t.” He pull ed h is ar m back an d
someth in g about th e ser ial k illin g s. Wh at did h e k n ow? ” pun ch ed h er in th e r ig h t eye. Sh e f ell of f th e couch an d
“I don ’ t k n ow . I-” Ellen paused, th en beg an to scr eamed.
sh ak e. “Y ou son of a bitch ! Don ’ t mov e!”
Fayh or n took a step tow ar ds h er . “Ar e you ok ay? ” “I didn ’ t dr in k th e lemon ade, Ellen . I ’ m smar ter
Ellen ’ s eyes lit up as br oad, black str eak s f low ed th an th at.”
f r om h er scalp in to h er blon de h air . Her h ousedr ess “How ’ d you k n ow it w as dr ug g ed? ”
f lapped as it mor ph ed in to a r ed tan k- top an d black sk ir t. “I didn ’ t. I t just tasted cr appy th e f ir st time. I
Tattoos be g an wr itin g th emselv es alon g h er ar ms an d w ouldn ’ t dr in k it ag ain .”
dow n h er leg s. Sh e tur n ed to Fayh or n an d smiled. “We just- ”
“Th at’ s g ood wor k , detectiv e.” “Y ep, w e did.”
55
“I f you wer en ’ t un der th e spell, w h y’ d you do it? ” k n ee h e’ d h ur t w h en h e’ d jumped out of th e car .
Fayh or n sh r ug g ed. “ I t seemed lik e th e th in g to do.” Th er e w as a loud poppin g soun d as th e oil bur n er
“I ’ m g on n a k ill you.” e xploded, n ear ly disin teg r atin g th e r emain s of th e h ouse
Fayh or n g r abbed h is g un an d poin ted it at h er h ead. as it sh ot th em acr oss th e yar d. A f lamin g beam h it
“I don ’ t th in k you w ill.” Fayh or n in th e sh in ben eath th e in jur ed k n ee, br in g in g
Ellen low er ed h er h ead an d g r ipped th e car pet. “ Ala h im to th e g r oun d.
n u sum, v en si dun !” As h e cr awled back to th e tr ee f or cov er , h e f elt a
Sh e disappear ed. h eel dig in to h is back .
Fayh or n star ed f or a min ute, th en put h is g un back Ellen look ed down at h im, smilin g as h er homely out-
in its h olster . “ Well, th at w as dif f er en t.” f it bur n ed aw ay. Her pin k h ousedr ess caug h t a f lame at
th e bottom an d bur n ed of f , leav in g h er completely n ak ed.
Sh e sh ook h er body f ier cely an d let th e black str eak s f low
S OU TH F OR K M OTE L – R I V E R H E A D, N E W Y OR K th r oug h h er h air . Th e tattoos on ce ag ain cov er ed h er
2: 17 P M – S U N DA Y body, an d th e r ed tan k top an d black sk ir t mater ialized
ov er h er .
Fayh or n en ter ed th e r oom an d f r oze. “Y ou can ’ t r eally bur n a witch , detectiv e. Th at’ s just
For r ester came in beh in d h im, tur n ed ar oun d an d in th e movi es. Well, ok ay, you could, but I w ouldn ’ t mak e
v omited. it easy f or you.”
Kat lay on th e bed, h er th r oat slit f r om ear to ear . A Fayh or n sh ook f r ee an d tr ied to g r ab h er by th e
metal pole h ad be en dr iv en th r oug h th e ceilin g , h er mid- an k le. Sh e leapt ov er h im an d scow led. “ Y our bitch h ad to
section , th e bed an d th e f loor ben eath . Her blan k , lif eless die, detectiv e, on e w ay or an oth er . Y ou k n ow it w as th e
eyes star ed upwar ds. on ly w ay.”
Fayh or n k n elt by th e bed, h is body sh ak in g as h e Fayh or n con tin ued h is cr aw l to th e tr ee, scr eamin g
closed h er eyes an d k issed h er lips sof tly. in pain as h is k n ee h it a r ock .
For r ester h ad beg un to g et up wh en Fayh or n came “I ’ m g oin g to be made a g oddess, with or with out you.
back to th e door way an d g r abbed h im by th e th r oat. Th e I ’ m on e aw ay f r om my in duction , an d you can eith er w or -
deputy ch ok ed out in coh er en t syllables w h ile Fayh or n sh ip me or let me eat your sk ull. Wh ich eve r you ch oose, I
took h is pi stols an d dr opped h im to th e g r oun d. w in .”
“Detectiv e!” For r ester scr eamed as Fayh or n g ot in Fayh or n r each ed th e tr ee an d tur n ed ov er on h is
th e sh er if f ’ s patr ol car . “ Wait!” back .
Fayh or n star ted th e en gi n e an d sped away. “I am about to be made on e of th e most pow er f ul
demon s in th e w or ld! I h ave ch osen you, detectiv e! Y ou
can be my slav e, or you can die!”
WI L S E Y R E S I DE N CE – CE N TE R M OR I CH E S , N E W Y OR K Beh in d th e tr ee w as th e br ief case Fayh or n h ad lef t
3: 47 P M – S U N DA Y f or h imself . He open ed it, pulled put a pair of pistols, an d
sh ot at h er .
Ellen h ear d th e appr oach in g en g in e an d smiled. He emptied out both clips, missin g h er as sh e duck ed
Sh e’ d obv iously g otten h is atten tion . Sh e could almost f eel aw ay. He dr opped th e g un s r each ed back in to th e case.
h er blood boil with excitemen t as th e soun d g ot closer . I t “Y ou’ v e g ot to do better th an th at if you w an t to tak e
tur n ed h er on in a lot of ways. me dow n .” Ellen said as sh e g ot up. “ Did I men tion th e
Sh e pulled th e cur tain f r om th e w in dow an d jumped w h ole demon - g oddess th in g ? ”
as th e patr ol car cr ash ed th r oug h th e f r on t w all of th e Fayh or n sw un g th e sh otgu n ar oun d, pumped it an d
h ouse, tear in g th r oug h beams an d br in in g th e secon d f ir ed.
f loor dow n on a slan t. Ellen put her h an d out an d tr ied to dive , but it was too
Sh e dov e in to th e k itch en an d looke d up as th e car late. Th e bullet blew a h ole th r oug h h er h an d an d h er
cr ash ed in to th e stair w ay an d stopped. Sh e r een ter ed th e ch est, exitin g out h er back an d disappear in g in to th e dis-
liv in g r oom cautiously, waitin g f or Fayh or n to open th e tan ce.
door an d g r eet h er . Sh e f ell to th e g r oun d, clutch in g th e g apin g w oun d
I n stead, sh e saw th e w h eels still spin n in g alon g th e w ith h er h ollow ed h an d. Fayh or n lay th e sh otg un dow n
ban ister , th e empty seats in side, an d th e r ope h an g in g an d slouch ed ag ain s t th e tr ee.
f r om th e g as tan k. Ellen tur n ed h er h ead to h im an d smiled. “Th an k
Sh e r an back in to th e k itch en as th e f use bur n ed to you, detectiv e. I ’ ll see you soon .” Sh e slid h er h an d to th e
th e tan k . dir t an d wr ote in h er ow n blood:
Th e car exploded, blow in g th e sides of th e h ouse
clear on to th e law n an d br in g in g th e secon d stor y dow n in 14
a f ier y mess. Flamin g f ur n itur e an d wall section s f lew
in to th e dr iv ew ay, accompan ied by wh atev er r emain ed of Her body collapsed in w ar ds an d tur n ed to ash es.
th e patr ol car . Fayh or n tur n ed an d w atch ed w h at r emain ed of th e late
Fayh or n duck ed beh in d th e n ear est tr ee, still h old- Joh n Wilsey’ s r ur al h ome bur n to th e g r oun d. He r each ed
in g th e bur n t en d of th e r ope. Wh en th e smok e clear ed in to th e br ief case, r etr iev ed th e bottle of Jack Dan iels, an d
en oug h h e limped towar ds th e law n , h oldin g th e bloodied dr an k .
56
CORRIDORIUM
The corridor was white and faceless. The afrai d of being enlig htened?” edge of the paper.
built-i n lamps provided a shadowless inter- “They’re afraid to let someone els e have He dis appeared.
minabilit y that was only a charade of comfort. power. It makes them feel weak.”
At the end of the hall was a single white door “You were an author. You wrote over ten
with a matching handle. To the right was a card novels before you turned twenty-fi ve, and then, a The door buzzed open. Three guards ran
scanner and above it a surveil lance camera, both few years la ter, here you are. No one will tell me in and threw Elle rton against the wall . The man
colored likewi se. why, and if you’re not going to, I’m wasti ng my in the suit followed, tossing the chair across the
The guards held his arms fir mly, and for time.” room and picking up the sheet of loose paper,
a second he thought they might damage his sui t. Haglund sank back in his chair. “They which now read, in two-inc h red letters:
Aft er bri efly considering a proud struggle, he don’t want me to wri te. That’s why I’ m here.”
resolved to hold still until they were fini shed. “If that’s true, I can have you out of here I GOT OUT
He’d have time to struggle later. in a week. Yet somehow I think you’re not telli ng
A man i n a bla ck and whi te s ui t me everything.” The man crumbled the paper and threw it
approached him, hands folded beneath his si lver “I need a favor from you.” Haglund said. against Haglund’s empty chair. He turned
tie cli p. “Mr. Elle rton, I hope you understand “There are things at my apartment, things I lef t around and grabbed Ell erton by the neck.
these are formal measures, and we’re require d to there when they detained me against their own “Do you have any idea what you’ve done?
take them by law.” consti tuti on. I need you to bring me these You miserabl e son of a bitc h, do you have the
El lert on smile d. “I’ll bet. They checked things .” sli ghtest cl ue what you’ve let out?”
me when I came in, you know.” “A s of right now, I seem to be forbi dden Ell erton tri ed to pry the man’s hands off.
“Yes, I do.” to bring you anything to writ e with, if that’s what “What the hell just happened? Where did he go?”
“Well then you got me. I confess. Here’ s you’re asking.” The man squeezed El lert on’s neck harder.
a question: do you think if I mention the contra- “I’ m ask ing for my lord and savior. “We are all dead me-” The man began to cough.
band fairy in court I can get off on insanit y? I They’ve denied my right to practice rel igion, but Ell ert on pul le d his hands away and
can go check my books if you want.” they haven’t forbade it. I need my papers on the breathed heavily. The man in the suit coughed
The man smil ed back, then stepped for- salvation of Chris t and the inst itut ion of the per- blood onto the floor, then fell back against the
ward and scowled. “Empty ‘em!” fect state. It ’s in the top drawer of my dresser. table.
The guards violently reached into his I also need my ring, which was a gift from my “No, don’t do this ! Can you hear me?
pockets, pull ing everythi ng they found out and grandmother, God rest her soul. It’s in a small Don’t do this!”
dumping it into a plastic tray. jewelry box on the dresser. Bring me everythi ng The man’s head swelled, and Elle rton
“Hey!” Elle rton protested. “You can’t do in that jewelry box, plus the papers, and then could see the blue veins in his head bulging.
that!” we’ll talk.” “Don’t do thi-” The man screamed as his
The man looked at Eller ton sternl y. “Any Eller ton couldn’t think of how else to forehead expanded, and Ell erton ducked as his
pens, pencils, notepads, lips tick, chapstic k, proceed. “I guess I’ll see what I can do.” head exploded, spla tter ing a mixture of blood,
cover-up, ointment, memo pads, rocks, stones, brai ns and skull over the wall s.
jewels or other cosmetics and/or implements?” El le rton grabbed one of the guards.
El lert on shook free of the guards’ grasp. It was the next morning. Haglund sat in “What the hell is happening?”
“Yeah, what you guys just took from me.” his chair, smili ng warmly as Elle rton entered. The guard stared at him blankly.
“Anythi ng else?” Eller ton sat across from him and put the jewelry “Answer me!”
“No.” box on the table, along with a collect ion of loose The guard’s eyes swelled until blood
The man nodded. “I ’ll take you in.” papers and a torn coil bind. began to flow from the sockets. Eller ton turned
“They gave me hell getting it in here. to the other guards, who were all convulsing . He
They tore your book apart, then made sure you ran out and into the corridor, feeling li ke he was
El lert on sat down and shook hands with weren’t smuggling a writi ng implement in your about to throw up. He reached the door at the end
the young man. “James Haglund?” jewelry box. Whatever you did to piss these peo- and turned the knob.
“Yes. ” the man sai d. “I suppose that ple off, you did it well.” It was locked.
makes you my attorney?” Haglund looked through the papers until He turned around and saw that the corri-
“I t does. I’m Richard El lert on. Before we he found one that caught his attention. His dor was shorter. He wasn’t sure how it was pos-
begin, I’ d like to ask you why you feel you’re smil ed widened. “Thank you, Mr. Ellerton. sibl e, but less than twenty feet away the corridor
here.” Thank you so much.” ended in what looked like a black void. He stared
Haglund leaned back in his seat and “Can we talk about your case now?” forward, feeling weak and dizzy. Something in
crossed his arms. “They’re afraid of me. They “The jewelry box?” the blacknes s was moving towards him, but he
think I want to hurt people.” Ell ert on si ghed and sl id the box to couldn’t make out what it was.
“Do you?” Haglund. He opened it and pulled out a chain “I can help you!” Elle rton yelle d. “I can
Haglund paused, then leaned forward. necklace with a cross pendant. El lert on nodded help- ”
“Do you have a pen?” uncomfortably as Haglund kissed the cross. The object moved cl oser to him, and he
El lert on shook his head. “They took my “Thank you, Jesus. Thank you, for your saw that it was a blank white sign with a wooden
pens.” salvation.” picke t.
“Fascist s. They always take the pens El l ert on l ooked down at the paper “No, please don’t!”
away. You see the pattern, don’t you? The writ- Haglund had pull ed aside. In two-i nch red let - The pi cket das hed at hi m, drivi ng
ten word is power. They try to take it away, ters, it read: through his chest and pinning him to the door.
because they thi nk it takes away my power.” He spat blood onto the sign, tryi ng desperately to
“And it doesn’t?” I GOT OU pull it out of him before his muscles went limp.
“No. Everyone’s power is contained with- His head fel l forward, and he saw a piece of paper
in.” He began to trace his finger along the table. He stare d at it for a moment, unsure of its mean- land on the floor beneath him. It read, in perfect
“I t’s the rele ase- the release is what we fear.” ing. He looked back up at Haglund as the pris on- scri pt:
El lert on nodded. “Do you feel you’re a er opened his ri ght palm to reveal a small puddle “-and this paper was the last thing he
politi cal prisoner?” of blood in the center. The tips of his fingernail s saw.”
“I ’m a pri soner of the fearful. Whether were sharp and bri ght red, and he smiled even His eyes remained open as his body rest-
it’s fascis m, Nazism, theocracy, democracy- it bright er as he pressed the cross int o his hand. ed li mply around the picket . His feet slid for a
doesn’t matter . The people are always afraid. ” “Wait, what-” moment, then rested li fele ssly on t he floor of the
“Afr aid to let you wri te, because they’re Haglund sl ammed the cross onto the right corridor.
57
By Jowy Romano
58
59
Photos by Jamie Freiermuth
61
SB Press Interviews Taliesin Jaffe
By Andrew Pernick sheisters who want to make a buck. the groans and the sighs and the ‘Oh you’re working with a bad director,
___________ There’s drama and there’s infighting and man!’ and they sit and they start the what any good actor will do, and it does
there’s great acts of nobility and people video and a few minutes in they’re say- happen, you will eventually work with a
If you have watched an anime that has being unbelievably cool and helping ing, ‘No, let’s not go yet. Hold on. bad director, you turn off any sense of
been released State-side in the last fif- each other out. It’s like any business. Okay. Heh. This is pretty good.’ And yourself and you call up a performance
teen years, chances are Taliesin Jaffe has It’s a little bit of everything. I think slowly, the audience that was going to you’ve done before for a good director
had some part in its production. From we’ve been lucky for a while. There get up and leave are now totally into it. that you think this director will like and
voice acting to translation, direction to hasn’t been a ton of competition, weird- I love watching that happen. That pleas- you do it for them and hope that they
casting, he is the veritable Jack of All ly enough, just because there’s a ton of es me to the core. like it. If you’re a good enough actor,
Trades. If you have read The Pre s s over Anime and there’s so much work and you can even give somebody who does-
the last five years, Andrew Pernick has t h e r e ’s a certain amount of peace AP: Given how hard the industry is, n ’t know what they want something that
had some part in it, from writing to copy between everybody and definitely how are you not dead yet? will hopefully please somebody. You
editing to managing the whole produc- everybody in the dubbing industry, at have to give them what they want
tion nightmare. The following is the least, just about everybody in the dub- J a ff e : I don’t know. There’s certainly because they are in charge. As an actor
first round, first minute knockout of the bing industry, not everybody, is pretty a pretty good reputation for voice direc- you really have no say in what is the
Anime heavyweight versus the journal- cool with each other and that’s why we tors not living to ripe old ages. This is a final product.
ist featherweight. It turned out to be, get West Coast actors coming to Texas high-stress job. I know that Anime has
surprisingly, a fair fight. and East Coast actors coming to the at least hospitalized me once. The orig- AP: What do you think of To m
West Coast and everyone can jump inal Read or Die scripts, I fell over and I Stoppard?
AP: How did you come to be in the around a bit just because we’re always had a niacin and caffeine overdose. It’s
Anime industry? happy to see each other. an enormous amount of work and every- J a ff e : Oh, Tom. The greatest living
AP: What’s your favorite story from body just works so hard. I don’t know American playwright. English play-
J a ff e : Oh God. I started, actually, as a the industry? how I keep doing it – I’m just getting wright. Not American. He’s phenome-
fan of Japanese Animation from the time older and it keeps getting harder. nal and I just recently got a collection of
I was about eleven or twelve years old. J a ff e : Oh. I’m trying to think of what poetry that he adapted into English. I’ll
I was watching Saint Seiya and I can definitely tell. I don’t know. You AP: What happens when a casting read him all day long. I’d like to see
Dragonball Z and City Hunter on the know who Clarine Harp is. I did spend director miscasts? ‘Arcadia’ done well. I’d like to do the
Japanese rentals stores direct on televi- last year in Texas and I was living in ‘ A r c a d i a ’ Anime! We could do
sion. I became a member of the CFO Clarine Harp’s knitting room for a year. J a ff e : I tend to cast my own shows. I ‘Arcadia’ as an Anime. We should do
and started my own Japanese Anime fan There’s a lot of stories I can’t tell or know a few people who use casting that. I want an animated ‘Arcadia’ and I
club in high school. I was already an she’ll kill me. Let me see. Oh my God. directors and there’s been a couple of want to direct the dub. I’ve said it.
actor and working in film and working All the ones I can think of are not appro- times in certain shows where I’ve gone There.
in theater and I was watching what peo- priate to talk about. I had an actor ‘Oh, I’ve made a mistake!’ Usually the
ple were doing in bringing it to the almost die on me once. I had an actor, mistake is not a big one; we’ve had AP: What do you think of ‘Titus
states and decided I could do something he was an older gentleman, collapse in enough time to play with everything and Andronicus’?
about this and I made a demo and start- the middle of one of my recording posts pretty much know it’s going to work.
ed working for Jonathan Klein at New and we didn’t have the air conditioning That’s the nice thing about Anime: you J a ff e : T h a t ’s my least favorite
Generation Pictures. working and he had a little something know what everyone looks like, you’ve Shakespeare play. How do you know
happen and he fell over. Big guy, too. got auditions on tape and you can put about this? I actually ended up buying it
AP: Having worked on practically And he’s down, clutching his chest and them together and you can paint a very on DVD. I saw the Judy Taymore ver-
every aspect of the dubbing and subbing we run in and we’re trying to call an good rough sketch of what it’s going to sion and went nuts for it. God!
process, which part do you enjoy most? ambulance and he grabs me by the shirt look like and iron that out. I’d be hard- Shakespeare wrote a movie script, it’s
collar and says, “Don’t let me die in the pressed, at least in my dubs, for people just they didn’t have them back then! I
J a ff e : Oooooooh. Acting is just the Valley!” and falls over and we could not to see anything that I would admit is a ended up using parts of it for ROD the
most fun by no stretch of the imagina- stand up for two minutes to get to the casting mistake, but it does happen and TV at certain points. It even worked its
tion and directing is really the most phone to call the ambulance we were you just work as hard as you can to way into little bits of Hellsing at this
rewarding. You feel better about every- laughing so hard. He was fine, by the cover it up as best as you can. There are point. The new Hellsing, anyway. I
thing if you’re directing. But script way. mistakes in casting where people were love any Shakespeare. Almost any
adapting is the part where you feel that just not thinking clearly. I think it can Shakespeare. Ninety percent. Just any
you have the most say over what gets AP: How do you make sub fans cry? be a really big obstacle in Anime when time you can have fun with language,
done. Script adapting is the part where someone is honest-to-God miscast. especially with Anime, people are not
you have the most say over what’s on J a ff e : Oh. Hit them with a stick. No. used to having interesting language in
the show is good or not. Depending on I have nothing against sub fans. There AP: What happens when you have a their cartoons. Borrowing…making
the mood I’m in it’s one of those three. are plenty of Anime that I watch subti- bad script? homage to Shakespeare, not ‘borrowing’
If I’m feeling lazy I’ll choose the acting. tled. I’m more than happy to admit that because we don’t do that…is always
If I feel like working really hard I’ll sometimes I’ll be watching a dub and go J a ff e : I rewrite it, line by line. It’s fun, stealing old words if you can get
choose script adapting and somewhere ‘I don’t like what they did’ and I’ll hit happened. I’ve been handed things that away with it.
in the middle is directing. the click button and I’ll turn to the sub- are just… Which is why I always do my
title and go ‘Oh God! The same people own scripts, I don’t like other peoples’ AP: Tell us about the translation of
AP: In general, what is the industry did the subtitle!’ at which point I’ll just scripts because they’re just crap. Not all metaphor.
like? watch it in Japanese and laugh. The of them. Some people have given me
people who are adamant that they saw a fabulous scripts. What we’ll do is sit J a ff e : One of the three hardest things
J a ff e : I think it’s just like anything dub in 1979 that was Ninja the Wonder down and not record for five days and to do in adapting scripts and one of the
else that’s entertainment based. It’s a Boy have convinced themselves that we sit, for free I might add, and we’ll sit things that always gets you into trouble
collection of passionate people. There’s have not evolved past Ninja the Wonder and rewrite it until it’s good. I don’t let is when you have pun or metaphor in the
people who’re true believers who have Boy in 25 years. I don’t necessarily deal bad scripts go by, ever, ever, ever. show is the minute the subtitle fans just
been around for ages and are into Anime with them. I like it when I’m at a con- AP: What happens when you’re start hitting us with scripts. And the
and want to make it work and there’s vention and my favorite thing to do is go working with a bad director? subtitle fans will demand that we trans-
people who actors and are working to be to a convention and sit in the very, very late the puns or the metaphor literally
actors and it’s a process for them and it’s back of the theater and when they hear J a ff e : I apologize to the actors. No, I
not about the cartoon and there’s some it’s going to be a dub show and hear all do exactly what he tells me to do. W h e n Continued on next page
62
SB Press Interviews Taliesin Jaffe (...Continued)
Continued from previous page not only speaking the languange the game of logic. I read them in
and give it to you in a way that is in question and B, being able to the freshman year of high school
physically indecipherable but is bring it to a point where it’s just and it really affected the way I
actually correct. It is technically nice and simple and soft and not in work. The subtitle is really
correct, but if it makes no sense, the way. I think we did that pretty designed to capture the literal
how correct can it be? One of the well with Mr. Kim in Read or Die meanings and take a literal structure
things we try to do, at least when the TV where it’s a Chinese accent, of a Japanese sentence, or any for-
I’m working on a dub, and there’s at but it’s a Hong Kong Chinese eign language but let’s talk about
least a few other directors who accent. I’ve seen some off e n s i v e Japanese, and nail that to a pegged
agree with this, is you take the func- Chinese accents in Anime and I’m wall and you can really make deci-
tion of the metaphor, the mechanics hopefully not one of them. sions on what adjectives and what
of it, and you put it into a new body, AP: What’s your version of the nouns are the most appropriate.
a new shell, so you have the same history of the English language? You have these words that are most
end result of finding the meaning of often translated this way and while
the metaphor while unfortunately J a ff e : Oh boy. Really quick. A this is not an exact science by any
having to drop the original bunch of paganistic people hanging stretch of the imagination, you can
metaphor entirely. Same thing hap- out in England get conquered by the get pretty close to about 90% accu-
pens with puns. We had a show Picts and the Saxons and the racy, if such a thing existed, and
called Ergo Proxy and there was a Romans and the Northlanders and you can actually use the word
pun at one point that says, ‘If a the Southerlanders and the Vikings ‘accurate’, except you can’t hit that
freeder has a part-time job, who come back in and the Romans come t a rget, you can hit what’s around it.
conducts the orchestra?’ And it back in like two or three times and You can get within a very narrow
makes no sense in English, it’s a we get this mish-mash of language. m a rgin. The dubbing really deals
complete mess. Nobody knows The English language is this mess with a whole other part of the show.
what a ‘freeder’ is – it’s a Japanese where we have a bunch of grammar The dubbing doesn’t deal with
slang word, so we had to spend and grammar rules that are from the being literal. It doesn’t do it well.
hours finding a way to make some- Germanic languages that’s then The subtitles do it very well.
thing viable so that everybody mixed with twenty-five percent of Dubbing works really well with
would understand while keeping the the Romance languages, a quarter of subtext and is all about bringing out
same mechanics of the question and it is the Russian languages and it’s text and subtext and bringing out
the same answer. I’m not going to this complete mish-mash of ideas class identification and role identi-
give it away because the DVD’s not that come together into this nearly fication and theater to the Anime,
out yet. unlearnable, deeply complicated which is kind of important because
language that’s somehow managed i t ’s entertainment, and theater is
AP: What happens with the dif- through this finagling and not hav- important to entertainment. In that
ference between dialects and ing any rules and having I before E place, we get to actually tell the
accents? except after C except when it’s not story; instead of just telling you
and all of this structure, and this what they’re saying, we get to tell
J a ff e : One I’m comfortable language is really well-designed for you why they’re saying it and make
doing, and one I’m not. We get to a telling stories and being ridiculous sure you’re laughing when you’re
point, and I like especially using and being a liar and being a liar well supposed to laugh and you’re not
accents for shows, I like giving peo- and creatively and being circumlo- laughing when there’s a subtitle
ple some regional identity if it’s cutious and being verbose in that t h a t ’s awkward and that you’re
appropriate to the show. Some sense. It lends well to writing and upset when you’re supposed to be
shows don’t need it. You don’t real- to stories and it gives us a lot of upset and you understand the rela-
ly need accents in Sailor Moon; exciting ways to write. It’s one of tionships between the characters
t h e r e ’s only a couple of places the reasons I love dubs is because and if there’s any of these quiet,
where it would be kind of fun. For the English language is really so very subtle Japanese undertones,
shows like Hellsing and Read or much fun to play with and, given and the Japanese have these hints to
Die and shows like that, it’s great the opportunity, it does so much the the audience in a language that only
because if you’re in Europe, you Japanese can’t. Which is not to say the Japanese can really understand,
have some Londoners and some the Japanese language doesn’t do we can take that and shake it out
South Londoners and North things we can’t like cadence and and present it in a more Western
Londoners and some Welshmen and timing. We don’t have any gender style and hopefully give you some
a couple Scotsmen and you build a classification for our nouns. It’s of that understanding and what’s not
European cast and have fun with just a place to play that’s really being said.
that. The place where you have to exciting as a writer.
be careful is that you want to keep a AP: Lastly, what do you think
base American accent as kind of a AP: What is the diff e r e n c e of I-CON?
base point because you want to be between the science of dubbing and
very careful with non-English the science of subbing? J a ff e : This is the best dealer’s
accents because those can get a lit- room I have ever seen in my entire
tle iffy and those are not a function- J a ff e : I can answer that. T h e life. I am spending more money on
ing dialect. It’s a mish-mosh, it’s beginning of that is that it’s the sci- Doctor Who merchandise than is
not a standard, it can go any way, so ence of subbing and the art of dub- ever reasonable. Lot’s of Doctor
if you’re not careful, you can get bing. The biggest difference with Who. Yay!
into the realm of the mildly off e n- that is that with subtitling, I always
sive or to the very offensive if like to use Lewis Carroll as the way AP: Thank you.
you’re not careful and if you don’t of describing this. Lewis Carroll
have an actor who is capable of A, wrote these fabulous math books on J a ff e : Thank you so much.
logic systems and match logic and
63
Silly Putty Discovered Ask a High Dude
To Be Not So Silly Trying to Give You
Directions Anything
A satire by Joey Safdia researchers, all it ever does is “sit there
____________ and do nothing” when left alone, and the
timeframe in which it is still fun has been
Rummaging through his attic at home recorded somewhere between “not long”
during Spring Break, one Stony Brook and “a few minutes.”
University student discovered one of his “A block of clay with a misleading
By A High Dude Trying to baby is dying, you idiot! Do you have a
favorite toys as a child, Silly Putty, was name is still just a block of clay, no mat-
Give You Directions phone or not?
simply not as “silly” as he remembered it ter what interesting properties it has,”
___________
being when he was a child. said Ryan Scott, researcher at MIT’s
-Still Frantic in Michigan
“I remember playing with this stuff all Center of Research for the Advancement
Dear High Dude Trying to Give Me Dear Still Frantic,
the time as a kid. It was so much fun,” of Polymers (CRAP).
Directions,
Thomas Jacobson, 19, told reporters at a Local politicians denounced the lack of
Chill out. Just CHILL OUT! There’s
press conference the other day. “But when simplistic joy found in modern Silly
My mother won’t let me get a lip ring, a shortcut you can take. Uhhh… do you
I found it while cleaning the attic and Putty. Some state legislators are already
even though Marcy Landers down the mind driving through corn?
started to play with it, it just wasn’t any- hard at work crafting a bill requiring the
street has two and her mother doesn’t
where near as fun as I remembered it.” toy to be more fun. If passed, it would
care. My mother is so controlling, it
Jacobson further described his recent make not enjoying Silly Putty punishable
drives me crazy. Last week, I wanted to Dear High Dude Trying to Give Me
attempts to derive enjoyment from the by a minimum of one year in jail.
get a tattoo on my stomach, and she said Directions,
thixotropic polymer, including pulling Despite the overwhelming support for
no! She said she didn’t approve of any
and stretching it, pressing it against news- the bill, many feel that it will not help
“art” that portrayed Jesus being fondled Stop! Please, stop trying to give me
paper to see the words imprinted in the those affected by Jacobson’s discovery. A
by naked fairies. Can you believe that? directions! My baby is coughing blood
Putty, rolling it into a ball and throwing small number of the tragic victims have
She’s so uptight. I don’t want to run all over the car! I need an ambulance!
it, and seeing what shape is needed to even gone so far as to demand that the
away, but I can’t see any other options. You stupid stoned bastard, help me!
make it float in water. All of these activi- makers change the Putty’s adjective from
ties failed to register the same quantity of “silly” to “bland,” in order to prevent
-Opressed Soul in Michigan -Desperately Frantic in Michigan
innocent childish pleasure that they were future generations from falling victim to
able to produce over a decade ago. false advertising.
Dear Opressed Soul, Dear “Totally Freaking Out for No
“Simply put, the stuff just doesn’t real- “It’s sad what one act of retrospection
Reason”,
ly live up to its can do, and
Alright, whoa. Just like, chill for a
name,” said i t ’s shameful
second, so I can figure out what you’re Once you’re back on the main road,
Jacobson. that the toy
saying. Okay, where are you running you keep going until you hit the shop-
The comment company
away to? My mind is like- BAH! right ping plaza. Not that lame place with the
sparked a wide c o u l d n ’t be
now, and you’re messing with my high. shitty bodega, because that place is- oh,
range of negative bothered to
Just go down that road right there by the wait- oh, dude! That’s all that’s over
r e a c t i o n s make sure that
Piggly Wiggly. Yeah. Stop and get there. Okay, forget the corn. Bad idea.
amongst local their products
some food, man. Like, mad food. T h e n , Just keep going, and then- oh, fuck, are
university stu- were actually
keep going until you see- dude, I totally you the fuzz?
dents, most of enjoyable
lost my train of thought.
whom were rather than
unprepared for tricking our
Dear High Dude Trying to Give Me
the news. Many children into
Dear High Dude Trying to Give Me Directions,
responded harsh- thinking they
Directions,
ly to the idea that were fun,”
I’ll find it myself!
Silly Putty could said one par-
My baby’s sick! Do you have a phone?
be “anything less ent, speaking
-Leaving in Michigan
than totally fuck- on the condi-
-Frantic in Michigan
ing awesome” tion of
Dear Leaving,
while others a n o n y m i t y.
Dear Frantic,
mourned the sud- Her child was
Yeah, well, fine! Be that way, slut! I
den loss of a one of the
Alright, like, slow down. You’re talk- was all like, trying to help you, and
favorite child- many Stony
ing so fast, it’s like your head is moving you’re all like, I’m gonna call the 5-0.
hood toy. None, however, refuted his Brook students devastated by this tragedy.
while your mouth is all still, or some- That’s right, you better leave! Just keep
claim. “I don’t even see what’s so silly about
thing like that. T h e r e ’s a guy around the going, bitch! And, uh… there’s gonna
“I can’t believe that Silly Putty wasn’t Silly Putty. So it picks up dirt and lint?
corner, and he’s got some primo shit. If be a fork in the road, and you need to
all that much fun,” said a grief-stricken You could see newspaper ink when you
you keep going past the liquor store- no, bear right, ‘cuz, if you bear left that
Katrina Morris, 21, a political science push it against a newspaper? Big deal. I’d
wait, I’ve never been past there. takes you back into town! T h e r e ’s
major. “I mean, me and my friends used hardly call that silly. The problem is that
gonna be a sandwich shop on your left,
to goof around with it all the time when these companies put products ahead of
but you want to go past it, and then
we were really little. I just can’t believe people, playtime, and putty, and now look
Dear High Dude Trying to Give Me make a right, but not the right after it,
that I wasn’t really having fun when I was at the results. Look at my baby!”
Directions, but the right before it’s after it! And
a kid and that my whole childhood was a Jacobson, with the support of Senator
then you’ll see a movie house, and a pet
waste.” Hillary Clinton, has called another press
What are you talking about? My store with mad fuzzy animals-
Researchers examined the material and conference set for tomorrow evening.
discovered that, while it did have some Though speculations have been running
unique and interesting properties, nothing wild, the prevailing rumor at this time is
about the children’s toy could be accu- that he will attempt to prove that Crayola
rately construed as “silly.” According to d o e s n ’t rock.
64
In Response to Kidnapping of Princess,
Mushroom Kingdom Launches Retaliatory
Strike on Neighboring Valley of Bowser
A satire by Joey Safdia declared that it was armed with nuclear assured people that the Koopa Army would those two plumbers who are always going
___________ Bob-ombs, while opposing Wario Land for prevail. around, stomping Goombas into paste and
its Fire Flower enrichment program. Attitudes between Mushrooms and throwing fireballs at everything they see.
War broke out over the volatile Wart, Prime Minister of Subcon, has Koopas have been historically hostile. The Why, a few years ago, I once saw the green
Nintendo region at sundown last night called for a ceasefire between the two people of both nations have enthusiastical- one, Luigi, find a Starman and use it to kill
when the Mushroom Kingdom launched a states and a Subconian peacekeeping force ly rallied behind their leaders. 27 Mega Moles. You call that self-defense?
strike against the Valley of Bowser in retal- to be deployed to the region. Mushrooms “Those Koopas have always been kid- He was invincible!”
iation for the kidnapping of a high-ranking and Yoshis alike doubt the effectiveness of napping our princess,” said Martha, an eld- “And I think the Mushroom King is
Mushroom official. the Subconian military to handle such a erly Mushroom seamstress who makes lying about those two guys being
“The Valley of Bowser has gone too far task, its forces seen as weak and made only Tanooki Suits. “It seems like they do it plumbers,” he added. “How are two short,
this time. But this was not their first atroc- of Shyguys, Fryguys, Birdos, Ninjis, every few years, the same old tired fat Italian plumbers from Brooklyn able to
ity committed against our population and Snifits, and Pidgits. scheme. Why, he even captured Princess do all the stuff that they do. They don’t
our sovereignty,” asserted the Mushroom “Subcon won’t be able to keep the Toadstool in the beginning of Super Mario teach you that at plumbing school!”
King to his people in a speech this after- Koopas from committing more acts of war R P G. ” “I’d love to kick all their asses,” said
noon. “In the diplomatic arena, they have against the Mushroom Kingdom, nor will “I’ve heard some people tell me that a Jack, a Mushroom soldier who, in his civil-
refused to recognize the legitimacy of a they take any action to impose sanctions war is unnecessary and what we’re doing is ian life, works as a human resources man-
Mushroom state, asserting instead a false against King Koopa,” said Toad, the advi- wrong, but that’s total bullshit,” said Bob, ager in the International Question Mark
claim of rightful Koopa ownership to the sor to the king, in a press conference earli- a Mushroom college student. “I’m not say- Block Production Plant’s office in down-
very land we live off of. And they have er today. “We need to be sure that our peo- ing that I’m happy that innocent turtles are town Grass Land. “Those pussy Koopa
turned this policy into acts of aggression, ple are safe and that Bowser will no longer dying, but they captured the princess and if Troopas just attack us while hiding behind
installing Piranha Plants in our piping sys- pose a threat to our nation.” we don’t respond, they’ll keep attacking innocent Goombas. They should come out
tem as well as setting up lava pits, bottom- “Our military avoids civilian death as us. How is it that when they drop Bob- and fight man to man, like we do. They
less chasms, swinging fire chains, falling much as possible,” Mario told reporters ombs on us, no one says anything, but even put Thwomps and Chain Chomps in
platforms, and other diabolic tools of mur- when pressed about the bombing of resi- when we retaliate in self-defense, it’s sud- their castles and have Bullet Bill cannons
der in our own land. Violating our borders dential neighborhoods. “The same cannot denly a human rights abuse?” deployed at their borders and almost every-
by sending in squadrons of Goombas, be said for them. Their king often sends “Those polka-dotted bastards are only where else in their shitty country. They’re
Koopa Troopas, Bullet Bills, Bloopers, Lakitus to rain Spiny’s eggs down on us, after our land! This is outrageous!” said afraid to fight. Know why? Because we’d
Spiny’s, and Lakitus. This underhanded, their goal being to simply kill as many Jerry, a Koopa Troopa refugee who lost his kick their green and red shelled asses.
cowardly act—the kidnapping of the innocents as they can. We are forced to kill home and family in the initial bombing. Yeah, kick them right into all their
princess—cannot go unanswered for the civilians because the enemy hides “They say, ‘We’re just defending friends.”
sake of our security and freedom.” inside the homes of these poor ourselves.’ Bullshit! They are an “There never was a Valley of Bowser.
Bob-ombs were dropped on residential people. We do not kill need- imperialist superpower and The instruction booklet makes no mention
areas of the Koopa state after the lessly.” they’ve spent their whole exis- of such a place,” said Sarah, a religious
Mushroom Kingdom gave all civilians in Bowser has denounced tence expanding their territory Mushroom banker. “It clearly states that
these towns 24-hour notice that their towns Mario’s comments as “com- into our lands and driving our the Player gave this land to the Mushroom
would be targeted. Mushroom Defense pletely unfounded and lacking people away in fear. How else people. And some people say that Koopas’
Force (MDF) troops have already entered any realistic historical basis” as can you explain the fact that we holy book, Nintendo Power Magazine,
those towns, and the Super Mario Brothers well as denying the only have World 8 teaches peace. They want us to think that
are rumored to be preparing to enter existence of any while they have their religion is a religion of peace, but we
Bowser’s Keep through the plumbing sys- “moral high 1-7? And the can see that it is clearly an ideology of
tem on a secret mission to rescue the ground the whole self- hate. Their culture is demonic. They even
princess. Such rumors however, have been defense conduct rituals to bring their dead back to
denounced by government officials. thing is life as walking Dry Bones! And Bowser
King Bowser Koopa has refused to a lie, even sends his children to fight! His own
release his hostage, Princess Peach too. childre n!”
Toadstool, unless his demands are met, Despite the calls of politicians for peace,
including the withdrawal of all Mushroom historians believe that it’s not going to be
forces to the pre-1985 borders as well as We ’ r e so easy. According to Roy Haldman, a 19
full access to all Warp Zones and payment not a year old who owns every Nintendo gaming
of 3,394,099,215 coins which he claimed threat to them. console from the NES to the Wii, “The ten-
were “unjustly stolen” from their land by The shrooms over sions between the Mushroom Kingdom
the Super Mario Brothers. The Mushroom there have all the and the Valley of Bowser, a lot of people
King has refused, stating that the power-ups, including the d o n ’t know, extend well beyond this inci-
Mushroom people “won’t respond to tac- 1-Up mushroom. And dent, even before the whole Donkey Kong
tics that rely on fear and bullying.” we’ve never invaded them! crisis and the Console Wars. These people
Yoshi’s Island has shown the Mushroom Mushroom Ever! Have you ever seen a hate each other so much and no solution is
Kingdom its full support while condemn- Kingdom Koopa Troopa or a Cheep going to offer a quick fix to this situation.
ing the Valley of Bowser as a state-sponsor claims to Cheep ever attack some- It will take a lot to forget God knows how
of Phantos. This declaration has angered have”. The one? No! All they’re ever many years of violence and bloodshed
Wario Land, who claimed that Yoshi, Hammer Brothers, doing is walking or between the two sides. Now if you’ll
President of Yoshi’s Island, has shown sup- Bowser’s top generals, swimming around, going excuse me, I have to get back to research-
port for the Mushroom Kingdom after it echoed his comments and about their business. It’s ing the new Sonic game.”
www.hunkymario.com
65
Guitar Hero 2 Causes Roth Quad Residents
Press Bender Report Seeing Smoke
on the Water at
By Vincent Michael Festa staff meetings when Guitar Hero 2 was
___________ played, many staffers circled around the
small tables binging on Fun Dip and Dots,
Over the course of thirty days, the and licking on crushed Smarties and “for-
Roth Pond
morale and health of the Press has signifi- ever” U.S. postage stamps. Photo editor
cantly been lowered due to non-stop play- and Dudley, John O’Dell, unsuccessfully
ing of Guitar Hero 2 for Playstation 2. As mixed Skittles, Sprees, and Sweettarts, and
a result, many Press staffers are feeling the ended up in the SB infirmary where he is
negative effects of rock stardom and loss currently doing a stint in rehab. Nonsense by Joey Safdia for him this Sunday at noon.
of star power. Adina “Queen Of Hearts” Silverbush, ___________ “I just can’t believe he’s gone. He was
“This has been the worst I ever seen the bees-ness manager, was a rare case in such a nice guy,” a tearful Krystal
staff, even on production,” said Rebecca which she turned into a groupie. While the Roth Regatta was cancelled Olerudo, 19, told reporters this after-
Kleinhaut, Managing editor and “I love hanging out with them on the due to bad weather, the day was far from noon. “He always wanted to be a hero.
Oktoberfest maiden. “I walked in here one buses of SB while they tour from the Press uneventful for residents when Roth Pond He died getting his wish, but I am still so
production and not only the whole office office to Roth Quad, though I miss my was somehow set ablaze in what investi- proud to be able to say I knew him.”
was a mess, but some staffers as well.” Jowy,” lamented Silverbush. gators believe to be an act of arson. Not Chuckling, Olerudo added, “He was
Known as the group “Rock Out With Speaking of Jowy Romano, he was one long after the rain stopped, UPD began such a huge fan of Frank Zappa and the
Your Cock Out,” staffers formed their own of the very few who was not affected by receiving calls regarding the sightings of Mothers.”
Guitar Hero 2 band without knowing what the Guitar Hero 2 bender in which he is a “smoke on the water.” “Fire in the sky” The ramifications of the arson are
would be in store for them. For the most drummer and is part of a real band, thank was also believed to have been a result being felt by many. 37 residents of
part, the store sold broken dreams, shat- you. of the alleged crime. Mount College have suddenly found
tered relationships, and dashed hopes of Other episodes included trashing of “We all came out to Montreux on the themselves displaced and their personal
making it big. dorms and the Press office, pretending to Lake Geneva shoreline to make records belongings have been destroyed.
Press staffers started to sleep on the be like Steve Vai, Joe Satriani, and Jon with a mobile. We didn’t have much “When it was all over, we had to find
couches in exhaustion in as many Bon Jovi, and even ego clashes between time,” reported Zack Cider, a junior another place,” said Sally Roberts, a sen-
overnights as possible. News editor, and the staff members because of the wrong majoring in biology who had just fin- ior majoring in women’s studies, remem-
6’4” Mouse-keteer, James “Loud” notes that caused a loss in points and mul- ished his 26th straight hour of Guitar ber the day’s events. She had been in her
Laudano lived up to the stereotype of the tiplier. H e ro. “But some stupid guy room on the third floor when the
Seattle-based grunge free-loading “Like, I was one note off of 100%, and with a flare gun burned fire was set and escaped
wannabe whose career will never take off. like, oh, they said ‘you suck’,” quoted fea- the place to the with minor burns.
“After a while playing Guitar Hero for ture editor Jonathan ‘Lupin the 3rd’ Singer. ground.” “But Swiss time
16 hours straight starts to take its toll,” “I was like ‘dude, you’re not playing for Although no was running out.
says Laudano. “Next thing I know, I’m art, you’re playing for money!’” motive for It seemed
without pants and sleeping in the halls out- None of the members know what being the act that we
side of the Press office during No-Pants a real rock and roll star is like, you closet can be w o u l d
Wednesday.” Limp Bizkit fan whoever you are reading deter- lose the
Production manager, and Photoshop this. However, the band has decided to mined race.”
“champine” of the world, Jesse Shoepfer take a break from actual playing for a at this “Smoke
did not follow in the same path as while to concentrate on Guitar Hero 3. point, on the water,
Laudano. “Hopefully O’Dell won’t go into seclu- the fire fire in the
“Unlike James, I’m going to live in a sion like Syd Barrett from Pink Floyd did,” spread s k y,” she
van down by the river. Hopefully your Schoepfer said. “Oh yeah, your mom to parts added.
mom can come by.” stopped by and went for a ride. And it was o f Displaced
Some have taken the unfortunate course good.” Mount residents were
of using and abusing hard candies. During College moved temporari-
already under ly to the Grand
r e p a i r, spreading Hotel, but were immedi-
throughout parts of the build- ately dissatisfied with the arrange-
ing and displacing numerous residents, ments.
including one who was already under “It was empty, cold, and bare,” said
investigation for using his computer as a Mike Warrens, a freshman who opted
host server for an illegal Internet gam- instead to stay with a friend. Living
bling program which is a violation of arrangements were limited to a few red
ResNet user policy. lights and a few old beds, according to
“This is an awful, awful tragedy for Warrens.
many students, especially so soon after Stony Brook residents have come
the Chapin fire. I guess one has to look together and shown support for their fel-
at the bright side of things like this. They low students in their time of need. Most
burned down the gambling house,” said are still feeling the full effects of both
UPD Officer Jeffery Smith. “It died with the smoke on the water and, to a lesser
an awful sound.” extent, the fire in the sky.
Smoke on the water, fire in the sky. “No matter what we’ll get out of this,
But the day was not without its I know we’ll never forget,” said Cider.
heroes. Claude Henderson, known to his “Who knows? Perhaps one day someone
friends as “Funky Claude,” was seen will write a song about this whole mess.
“running in and out, pulling kids out the But hopefully not that group Deep
ground.” Memorial services will be held Purple. They totally suck.”
66
Who Killed Babmi? Ovtcharenko Did X-Ray
By Vladimir Mikhail Fyodorov Would you like to touch my monkey?” carrier pidgeon named Benito last sent out By Sze Chun Chan (JC)
___________ In return, Festa ordered a state-takeover by Festa. ___________
of all media outlets to ensure that negative When Festa realized that Benito did not
MAY 3, 2037 criticism was suppressed. return the entire Great Land wept and There are those brightly pastel colored
“I’m sure Ovtcharenko will get his mourned for two weeks, and the people and plasticky microscope kits that the
ROOTERS- Many people struggled to words out through Moscow’s pirate radio”, cried “fowl play”. However, speculations geekier, more inclined and curious of us
answer that burning question for almost 50 grinned Festa. went nowhere and no action was taken. fiddled with as kids. And there are the
years, recently asked on an episode of The Republic of O and the Great Land Festa recently had a meeting with U.S. much larger microscopes that require the
Jeopardy! Contrary to belief, it wasn’t the of VMFX have not always been at odds President Madeline Scheckter, also a for- help of a particle accelerator called the
Sex Pistols after all. Instead, the UN and a with each other. Both leaders were seen at mer Press staffer, to discuss mending ties Synchrotron spitting out beams of X-ray
majority of world leaders are pointing the fundraisers, intelligentsia gatherings, and with the rival newspapers and the rival radiation to operate.
finger at one Alex Ovtcharenko, ruler of emergency meetings such as: donating for countries while discussing the fundamen- The X-ray microscope is what Chris
the People’s Republic of O, (formerly industrial-artist lifestyles, P re s s and tals of Jewish-American princesses. When Jacobsen, a professor at the Stony Brook
Russia), and former Patriot columnist of Patriot meetings, and Nintendo night President Scheckter asked to see Bambi, University’s department of physics and
“How To Be A Man’s Man.” respectively. both were shocked to find that Bambi was astronomy has been working on along with
If it is indeed Ovtcharenko that no more. a group of graduate and post-doctorate stu-
killed Bambi, it may bring the “I’m sorry but I’m appalled that dents from Stony Brook at Brookhaven
Republic closer to an all-out war an innocent animal was taken National Laboratory.
with the Great Land of VMFX, (for- away,” Scheckter said. “That X-ray microscope technology is not
merly Italy), led by leader and for- reminds me, what are we having for new, Jacobsen said. It has been around
mer Press staffer Vincent Michael dinner?” since the 1980’s, but its use hasn’t been
Festa. People on both sides are Ovtcharenko’s response to the common until the last decade. X-ray
preparing for the worst. accusation? 500,000 soldiers microscopes became commercially avail-
“It is my belief, my one true marching to The Land to the tune of able in the last five years. Each unit,
belief, that it was Ovtcharenko that NON’s “Total War”. In fact, depending on the application and resolu-
killed Bambi”, said leader Festa, as Ovtcharenko has enlisted Boyd tion, could cost from $100,000 into the
he addressed the people in Rome a Rice to help lead the Republic to millions of dollars. Jacobsen’s group at
million strong. “We are going to takeover. Stony Brook has built its own X-ray
move forward and declare war on “Do you want…total war?! DO microscopes from scratch and is now
the Republic, after tonight’s Lost YOU WANT. . . TO TAL WAR?!” improving and working with their design
rerun on RAI.” Boyd declared to the troops as they daily.
A sniper shell was found in the get ready to march on. Here’s how the X-ray microscopes
thigh of Bambi, the beloved family Festa plans to counter by sending designed by Jacobsen’s team works: it is
pet of the leader, and one could only PETA (People for the Ethical placed outside a beamline (a series of
speculate that round was from Treatment of Animals) after optics in an evacuated tube) next to the
Ovtcharenko. Ovtcharenko. synchrotron at Brookhaven Lab. The syn-
“So what do you do when you just tame Over time the two parted ways in life “No way!” said Ovtcharenko laughing. chrotron takes stationary electrons and
six beautiful buxom blonde bombshells? and both weaseled their way into their par- “There’s no way shaved women and gra- magnetically drives them to velocities near
Simple…go hunting, you fools!”, liaments and took over from there. Both nola-eating peace-loving hippies are going the speed of light. Because the synchrotron
answered Ovtcharenko, as he maintained kept in touch and were proud of having to step foot in my wonderful country. Now is donut-shaped, it bends the particles
to become Europe’s Ubermench of 2037. taken over their countries by force. They if you excuse me, T.A.T.U. are waiting for causing them to release electromagnetic
When Thumper heard of Bambi’s off- even enjoyed each other’s women as well. me outside the Kremlin.” radiation and lose energy. The X-rays emit-
ing, he was outraged. But the rift started when Festa drove The attempted takeover of either side ted from the moving particles go through
“SON OF A BITCH!” Thumper decried. Ovtcharenko home one night from a rivals that of the failed U.S. invasion of the beamline where they are “caught” and
The declaration of war has the people Laibach reunion show in 2019 and put in Pokemon Island, where former U.S. can be used by the X-ray microscope.
on both sides in a frenzy. Citizens of the the wrong mix CD in by accident. President James Bouklas attempted to Many uses for these X-Ray microscopes
Republic are celebrating the latest victory “The Sundays started playing, and that’s convert the Pokemon into Republicans have an advantage over the more familiar
in a series of contests that claim to be start- when the conflict started to grow,” remi- and force them to drive SUV’s. The optical and electron microscope designs.
ed over rival campus newspapers, The nisced Festa, as he sat in the Colisseum Pokemon instead turned into anti-capital- For instance, while an electron microscope
Press and The Patriot. with a meaty lion. “Then he pointed and ist anarchists and steered the U.S. influ- has a higher resolution, the X-ray micro-
In the Republic, people attended the lat- laughed at me and my feelings were hurt.” ence away. scope can map out different types and
est parade in Moscow while Ovtcharenko All was forgiven days after the incident “Serves them right for booing us!” compositions of material in a sample by
rode down the street and waived to the until Festa decided to visit an underground Pikachu said in a faux Stalin accent, refer- using different colors to represent each one
crowd. Out in the open he enjoyed a steak, record store in the Republic in an attempt ring to the U.S. boo-ing of the Island’s with greater chemical sensitivity. This is
kissed a babushka, and hugged and shook to pick up some obscure Russian extreme Synchronized Marching performance at called “spectromicroscopy.” One of
hands with the citizens of the Republic. In noise folk from children, and was disgust- the Warsaw 2024 Olympics. The Island Jacobsen’s recent researches involves the
the Great Land, the public protested the ed when the store didn’t carry any. won the gold while the U.S. placed 15th use of this contrast image.
inappropriate murder of Bambi and looked “What? My Republic music stores are out of 16. Biofuel is one of the potential replace-
up to Festa to take action and rioted when not good enough for you?” Ovtcharenko President Scheckter hopes to intervene ment fuels for a shift from oil and natural
it found out that Vinardo’s Pizza in remembered attacking Festa over a dinner between the two before conflict breaks out gas, but at present, scientists’ current
Brentwood, NY was not chosen the best of meat, meat, and more meat…and lots of by inviting them to a peace treaty signing method of exploiting photosynthesis ener-
pizzeria in town. Stolishnaya vodka, too. (Festa was report- at the Sizzler. gy on a large scale is inefficient. For exam-
Sprockets, a German public-access tele- ed to only have a salad and bottled water. “I don’t know about that,” Festa doubt- ple, ethanol production from grains like
vision show formerly broadcast on Bitch.) Ovtcharenko then ordered Festa to ed. “Hooters, maybe?” corn recovers only a small fraction of the
Saturday Night Live, went back on the air leave at once and never to return! As the time counts down, Sprockets energy that is potentially available.
to inform Europe of current events. Over the years the two competed in a signed off to update the Europeans on fur- For biofuel to be more efficient, non-
“Festa’s words have become tiresome,” game of one-upsmanship. When one built ther developments. grain materials would have to be used.
said Sprockets host Dieter on-air dressed in missiles, so did the other. When one built a “Well it is war in springtime and I am as Jacobsen is looking at Lignocelluloses,
Kraftwerk leotards. “I’ve never seen a sad- totalitarian army, so did the other. Even lit- happy as a little girl!” Dieter exclaimed. otherwise useless and excess materials like
der person since Einsturzende Neubauten’s tle sissy-Mary claims of who had the high- “Now is the time when we dance!”
Blixa Bargeld realized he had nothing. est score in Halo 15 were delivered by a Continued on next page
67
X-Ray Instincts/ I Got Your Back
(... Continued)
By Vincent Michael Festa to maybe hear from her again and pos- that she cared enough to not have me
___________ sibly ask her what I did wrong or what w o rry. I found out that she had to go
I said that night that was out of line and away upstate to take care of undis-
Ever had a feeling so strong that tells that caused her to not talk to me again. closed health problems and that she
Continued from previous page you what to do you do it? Inside of you, Those questions in my head swam with agreed to give dinner and dessert anoth-
woodchips and cornstarch. Yet, through his is there a charge or force that wants you the suspense of waiting to hear from her er go as soon as everything was sorted
new method of viewing the effects of dif- to go for it and you pursue it? W h e n made me tense. After a non-returned out.
ferent methods of cellulose extraction, he you do it and have it done and over phone call and just only a couple of After which I was done speaking to
is helping to find better methods. with, do you feel that overwhelming weeks, I decided to give up. I negotiat- her over the phone I was overcome with
This process works by using the X-ray amazement because it happened so ed with myself that I accepted being amazement, an amazement that I did
microscope to produce a color-contrast fast? How you feel that you crossed friends with her if we ever spoke again. something out of line. I chose to do
image of the lignocellulose’s material. The boundaries because it was that one, ran- Move on. Cut my losses. It’s over… something because my soul told me to
microscope provides a different color for dom, intense event in your every day open a box to see what could be inside.
each material. For example, red for cellu- life that you usually don’t experience …or so I thought. Inside was content, closure, and a
lose, the material that ethanol is now creat- on a regular basis that you brought up sigh of relief. There were elements of
ed from, and green for lignin, the stiff to do yourself and just couldn't believe One night I was walking in the cool, all that we had in common and then
material of the plant. Once differentiated, the results? What do you do? b r e e z y, 50-degree March weather com- more. Some sympathy, some sadness,
two different types of microbes known as plete with full moon and stars. I was on the colors grey and blue. The thought of
T. fusca and F. succinogenes can be Trust your first instincts. I did. my way to Roth Quad when out of finally coming together to meet again
applied to degrade the plant walls. The cel- nowhere I seen another girl walk by and picking up where we left off and
lulose can then be extracted more easily I met this girl over Facebook with her eyes and then the Miss up in the aerial drift of knowing that in due
and converted into biofuel. and after months of communicating on- my head. I was wondering whatever time everything will be all right.
Another advantage that the X-ray line I decided to finally ask her what happened to her and to see if she’s still For a good half-an-hour I was ana-
microscopes have over electron designs is she was up to and if she had the time to around. I was thinking “what if?” lyzing this with another friend of mine
that the microscope releases less radiation sit down and have dinner with me. She “What if I was still in touch with her?” to sort the rest out because despite what
than its electron counterpart for thicker finally agreed to dinner and eventually “What if I made that call tonight?” went through telephone lines I wanted
specimens. Scientists often have a problem we met. For the next two hours every- “What if we were in contact with each to assess that everything would be all
with electron microscopes destroying or thing went perfectly. Us sitting at the other again like we used to on an every- right. Eventually everything went AOK.
“frying” samples because the electrons table for just two hours getting to know day basis?” It had to be those questions One month we met again over ice
emit an intense beam of radiation. each other, picking out each others because all that time I was so used to cream and despite her rejecting me the
“You can look at a sample under the strengths, weaknesses, plusses, minus- not hearing from her since our night rest of the night went way better than I
electron microscope,” Jacobsen smiled and es, and so forth. No mistakes, no stress, out. expected. We sat as long as we could
said “but don’t expect to use that same no worries. Just a great conversation The new questions were with going over music mix CD’s, self-help
sample again.” closing the night out with me giving her me for a bit and then it gotten more politics, friends to the end, the big pic-
In France, museums and major art col- an Elliott Smith Figure 8 CD because I intense in the stomach. My instincts to ture, and the even bigger picture of why
lectors are using X-ray microscope tech- knew she was a huge fan of his. She call her were really getting to me. So she went silent for a while (for reasons
nology to check the authenticity of paint- was amazed and was very happy in intense it was what my very heart and I will not reveal).
ings. “There [are] an awful lot of applica- receiving her last Christmas gift despite soul told me to do, to go for it and give We still keep in touch and we still
tions.” Jacobsen added. her not finding it due to having no her a call again. hang out. Because of how much we
There are some disadvantages to the X- money. We walked out of the restaurant I arrived at the Union, went know each other and how much we
ray microscopes. Though they release less saying “goodbye” to each other. I downstairs, and reached for the phone have in common, we at times feel like
radiation than electron microscopes, the X- walked away knowing that it was one of in the office, and jumped at the chance we are the same person. We both go
ray still risks damage to DNA samples and the best nights in my life, to sit with to contact my female friend. through the same emotions, setbacks,
kills cells. someone I had lots in common with and disappointments, soundtracks, tri-
Jacobsen is currently looking for more who fit my style. She picked up and said “hello”. I umphs, failures, charges, and so forth.
uses for his group’s design. Another recent c o u l d n ’t believe it. We have lots of respect for each other.
project has the group collaborating with And that was it. For two months I We know what we both want from each
the marine sciences department at Stony have heard nothing of her. Not one mes- She was very happy to hear from me other as friends and we have lots of
Brook. Plankton can be viewed through the sage or phone call to say how great din- as I was very happy to hear from her. respect that we’re not willing to lose.
microscope to determine how many metals ner was, how she had a nice time, or We spoke for a good twenty minutes We continue to have great times and
they can absorb. This finding could be “thanks” for the CD. For those two and caught up on a lot of things. She I’m not about to let it slip by a second
used to add more iron into parts of the months I was wishing on a falling star told me that everything was fine and time.
ocean by dumping large amounts of plank-
ton, which could absorb atmospheric car-
bon dioxide, a greenhouse gas. This tech-
nique could possibly reduce global warm-
ing. The risk is the uncertainty as to
whether large amounts of plankton would
disrupt the ecosystem.
The group at Stony Brook was started
by Janos Kirz, but at present Jacobsen is
the only professor at Stony Brook to work
on X-ray microscopes. Jacobsen leads a
multi national group of researchers and
graduate students.
“He’s a fantastic guy to work for,”
Andrew Stewart, a post-doctorate
researcher at Stony Brook from the
University of Glasgow in Scotland and a
part of Jacobsen’s group, said. “We’re
pushing the boundaries of science.”
68
JUDAS
By Vincent Michael Festa after all I have done for her and tried to come and pain I deal with. It’s a one-way and use them responsibly, you may be
___________ help her be on the right track, decided to situation where the winner takes all and able to prevent these events in life from
stab me in the back and sell me out so she the loser suffers and is left with confu- happening or even confront your would-
I had a friend who I had since kinder- can join a group of deceitful little tramps sion, heartache, and unanswered ques- be benedicts. Frederich Nietzsche once
garten, throughout high-school, and from Oneonta and be “accepted” (and tions. Those who win will have no regard said: “whatever kills me makes me
beyond. He had no friends all throughout yes, I still stand by my word. They still for the other’s feelings, well-being, or stronger.”
going to school up to that point. I decid- indeed are tramps.) Little Miss No-Self- livelihood. I have been through this situ- I look back at the people who used me
ed to be a friend and introduce him to Esteem was so desperate to be part of the ation many times over the course of my and threw me out and in return I have
mine and I saved him. If not for me, he decided to be everything I don’t want to
would have never had a social life in be: them. That is how you become a bet-
high-school. He finally found a scene ter person, by separating yourself from
with people in common to hang out with the swine who want to drag you down
and made friends. But having friends and not doing or being the things that
w a s n ’t enough. He wanted to be accept- they are. In drawing the line, you force
ed, and he did what my other “friends” yourself to be a better person, disciplin-
told him to do in order to gain accepting yourself to become the things oppo-
ance. I almost had my high-school prom site of what you won’t stand against.
and graduation ruined because who I I have become an individualist, not a
thought were my “friends” went behind socialist as I described it. I try my best to
my back just because he needed approval make my own decisions and not have
from someone cooler in our circle who people sway me to become someone I am
d i d n ’t like me. This is how he repays me. not or for personal gain. I don’t believe
A couple of years down the road the or like the idea of me paying the price for
same said “friend” I had since kinder- other people’s mistakes, choices, or fool-
garten that I saved kept on cock-blocking ishness, and I refuse. Because of these
me, interrupting in my personal aff a i r s , Smiley Guy “socialist” events and their actions, I’ve
and constantly went behind my back to tried my best to not turn into my own
many of his other lady friends’ I haven’t in-crowd, pay for friends, and have them life and it’s very sickening to be a part of. worst enemy.
met yet just to ruin my chances with pretend to like her instead of making real It is because Judas has been an unwel- In turn, I have absolutely no respect
them. He thought it was a joke because of ones because her place in society was so come part in my life, stabbed into the for those who let others make their deci-
how much some things in life mattered to important to her and above her own fam- ground upside-down, coming to visit sions for them. It’s disheartening to see
me and had his friends in on practical ily (me). She would take part in whatev- once every few years. In fact, he visits us people choosing to be on their hands and
jokes played on me about the diff i c u l t i e s er it took to do so: taking part in their all. He is a part of us whether we dread
in life I was going through. vicious practical jokes, cruel ways of him or want him to interfere. Not to
And that’s when I said “good-bye” and thinking, and exploiting my personal life sound like a preacher, and I am not reli-
blew this thing called a 15-year friend- just to uphold the reputation of being the gious, but figuratively speaking that Now, the state of New Jersey
ship. Christ only knows just what other most heartless sorority up in Oneonta. inside of us all is the possibility of Judas
chances I would had blown and screwed Over time my princess cousin per- happening in our lives.
can have her.
up by my ex-friends had I stayed with suaded my entire family that she did Imagine when things in life are at a
them. Hang out with losers, and eventu- nothing wrong. She lied and held on to harmony and balance. You feel your best
ally you will be one. her belief that what she did was justified only to have your surroundings unravel
Once I had a selfish ex-girlfriend from just to be true to her affiliation. Only very quickly by those you love or trust. knees just to get what they want because
Commack who I regret meeting to this until after she graduated was when she Sometimes, when you feel that you will they are so desperate. These feeble-
very day, one who I gave and gave and tried to “apologise” to me for what she be on the receiving end of being hurt, minded and hopeless numbers and sell-
gave and got nothing back. She was did to me, only because I now had a min- you can prevent it and confront those outs are what they really are.
another one who did not have friends or imal job, a car, and a girlfriend. Yes, to who you feel will do you in. Other times, My apologies for the brutal, harsh,
a social life through high-school, but she her I had to prove myself and become at it’s very swift and there’s nothing you black-as-night subject matter and for
at 23 still wanted to be part of the least somebody to her if she were to even can do about it until it’s too late. sounding so righteous. (The longer you
American Idol- watching, Juicy Couture- acknowledge me in my life. All I could Normally, people do this for personal hold back on saying something, the more
wearing, fast-car driving, Disney-fanta- do was keep silent and lose my words. gain because they can’t win it by them- d i fficult it is to let it out.) These events
sizing, N-Sync progeny that all girls To this day, because I refused to accept selves. They need others to supply the have had such an impact in my life, I felt
wanted to be a part of. I can count two her forgiveness and fake apology, she has winnings for them, even by the ones who it was only fitting to tell you, Press read-
situations where she wanted to be cool denied responsibility for her actions and will be betrayed. The people who betray er, what is and has been on my mind as I
and accepted; and listened, said, and did excluded me out of her life while making their closest friends and family will do it always do and for too long I have been
to what her friends told her (her friends, every attempt to avoid giving me the out of desperation, spite, approval, and silent. I needed to let the daemons out. I
by the way, weren’t her real friends as completeness in my life to go on. People other reasons. They are to be seen as needed to say something. No, I won’t
they toyed around with her as well!). have refused to believe me because she weak, desperate, treacherous, and/or dan- apologise.
Because of my ex-‘s stupidity and has made herself out to be the greatest gerous and will do whatever it takes to Should you be on the receiving end of
willingness to do what others told her, person to walk the planet. There are not have the one thing that they want. To an attack? Remember that you don’t have
she purposely lost me like it was a game enough days for the rest of my life to them, the trade-off is great when your to deal with the issue. You don’t have to
and I had to walk 70 blocks in New York write about how I really feel about this agony lasts longer than the things in life accept it. Be as strong as you can. Do
City to find her, and on her birthday. T h e very person who I thought I loved and they go after that they throw out. what is right to throw these people out of
second time for kicks, only ten minutes was part of my family. Over time I have been slighted so your life and stand up for yourself.
after we broke up, she blurted out in front much in my life that something had to be Stamp out the snakes and serpents in
of our circle of friends what she had done See where I’m going with this? done. I had to be stronger. I needed to your life.
to a guy in the back seat of his car behind build the resistance that would help me And should you be just one of the
a restaurant. Since the days of Judas, Cain and reject these poor ideals, the third eye to snakes and serpents I have spoken about?
Now, the state of New Jersey can have Abel, Julius Caesar, references in see past the pettiness, and the knowledge God help you.
her. Dante’s Inferno, and etcetera, the idea of for me to become a better person. It takes
However, the worst of the worst could betrayal is a sickening one, an idea in a long time, but in the end, if you rely on
come from your family. My cousin, who which I truly despise because of the out- the right role models, the right resources,
69
Global Climate Brainiac: Where the
Change: Causes, Heart Remains
Consequences, and
By David K. Ginn legendary Edmund St. Claire and lost.
___________ Edmund stabbed Tomcruise with an elec-
tric pitchfork and killed him instantly.
His name was Tomcruise Evans. He BonoCactusBird I tried to save Tomcruise
How One Can Help was the villain. He was the badass of
badassery, the misfit who turned to evil in
order to find his place in the world. His
and help him on a path to good, but it was
too late. A few of BonoCactusBird I’s dis-
ciples, PomPom Magnigirl, Suresh
One Can Help to

story was a sad, sad story. LaMont, Burgeis Conwaferson and
Suddenly, with the only warning being BreakfastNook, all cried out in despair as
the aforementioned adverb “suddenly,” BonoCactusBird I fell into a deep abyss of
Tomcruise Evans was murdered in cold molten lava.
Fix the Problem

blood by the writer. Tomcruise Evans had Edmund St. Claire left in search of his
ceased to be entertaining, and the author long lost love.
didn’t have any of the old articles to use as The End.
references to his character. Being relative-
By AnaMaria Rivera or sea level change,” Black mentioned. ly certain that the character was still alive, From within the depths of the molten
___________ He believes water resource is the the writer killed him. lava rose a solitary figure: not a musician
biggest issue the world faces. He was brought back to life immediate- with the great misfortune of having the
Global climate change is now a Another effect, according to Black, ly by the overwhelming power of the same name as a more famous musician,
house-hold term. People across the is an increase in tropical diseases such story’s diegesis. Seeing no need to write, not an anthropomorphic cactus, not a talk-
nation are reminded every day of the as malaria and yellow fever. Also a the writer stopped. ing bird and not a rock of burning lava.
influence agriculture, technology, and shift in the eco-system contributes to Then he began again, seeing less need What arose was all of those, fused togeth-
en e rgy consumption has on the environ- the displacement of habitat and expan- to stop writing than he did to write. He er from the molten lava- and the dark
ment. sion of desert. “There is a noticeable wrote about this in the story, discussing nature within BonoCactusBird I. His
This increasing threat is not just a change in migration patterns,” Black the idea of writing about the needs of writ- name was BonoCactusLavaBird I, and he
debate in the scientific world anymore. added. For instance, caribou are arriv- ing as opposed to not writing, and whether felt a nightmare of dark vengeance inside
The media, political figures and educa- ing early to their summer homes and the lesser need trumps the greater need due of him.
tional institutions contribute to educat- leaving late. to a subjective technicality. What kind of vengeance?
ing the globe on what is happening, Tomcruise Evans faced off against the The kind that makes people pay.
wh y, and what needs to be done.
Black, like so many others
David Black, a geological record
expert and professor at Stony Brook involved in the re s e a rc h ,
Southhampton, gave a lecture on the
causes and consequences of climate
feel humans have a dramat -
v a r i a b il i t y. ic effect on this change and
“Has it been this warm before? W hy
is it getting warmer? What changes are th ere are things we can do
occurring in the climate and by how in our daily lives to help.
much and how fast will it continue to
get warm in the future?” are the ques-
tions Black covered in his lecture. Black said most predictions suggest
According to Black, this is not the climate changes gradually. “We don’t
first time the earth has seen an increase know how far it goes…we don’t know
in temperature. With the combination where we are crossing the line,” he
of greenhouse gases, solar variability, added. Black believes it is not a ques-
volcanism, and ocean circulation, the tion of if, but rather how much warmer
Earth has frequent changes in median and how fast it will increase. “The
temperature. problem is not insurmountable, we just
Scientists use proxies to detect and need some common sense,” he said.
record the difference in changes in rela- Black, like so many others involved
tion to the past and present. These in the research, feel humans have a dra-
proxies include: a vostok, which is an matic effect on this change and there
ice drilling station that reads ice cores are things we can do in our daily lives
that show different isotopes ratio to help. A change in the type of light
depending on the temperature, and bulb one uses can reduce the amount of
marine sediments, (also known as energy consumed.
mud), by showing the difference in the “We have to consider alternate ener-
ocean and atmosphere. gy resources”, he stated. Our fossil fuel
Black explained the 20th century was resources will have to be considered at
not the warmest in 100 years on aver- some point. There are other options
age, but experienced the fastest such as solar, wind, hydro-electric and
increase and magnitude in temperature nuclear energ y.
change for any 100 year period. “This Other small, but significant ways to
has a tremendous effect on the entire help are using warm water instead of
continent,” Black added. hot, lowering the temperature on the
An increase in hurricanes and water heater, and seeing how much
droughts, Black said, is an implication. energy one’s house uses and how one
“The media tends to focus on warming can lessen the intake.
70
The Genesis Project Security in the Wake
of Virginia Tech
By Miguel A. Sanchez is vastly changing. Deleuze and Guattari (see
__________ also: A Thousand Plateaus) were one of many
to propose that intelligence and perception
With the advent of Turing’s theories of were not accidental matters and were rather
computation, and the development in the the spontaneous and revolutionary conse- By Andrew Pernick of the RSP units see the service as little
1930s of Godel’s Theorem, there was wide- quence of creative structure. Indeed, Penrose ___________ more than just a means to a few easy
spread skepticism about AI. In particular, the has asserted that human intelligence is unique bucks.
course towards the achievement of artificial in its capacity to understand and adapt in the Shots fired. Over 30 dead. It can’t hap- This leaves the police and the RAs. As
intelligence at the level of computation and most creative aspects. Creative structure per- pen here, right? Stony Brook’s response anyone with a car can plainly observe, the
neural networking, though various advances severes beyond all functional methodologies to the tragedy of Virginia Tech has been campus’ police force seems far too
in dynamical systems (such as Markov chains, because the internal mechanisms, or rules, are nothing short of “cardboard security” – obsessed with the policing of traffic viola-
and chaos) have led to tremendous under- not so innate. The learning mechanisms, and police patrols that are just for show, RSP tions and far too obstinate to care about
standing of the obstacles blocking the devel- the capacity for thought to persevere through making random sweeps inside buildings, anything more serious than drunken stu-
opment of artificial life. Sir Roger Penrose the boundaries of natural existence, require and little else. dents causing a disturbance. Should a real
(see also: The Emperors New Mind) has indi- the leap towards recollecting and ascertaining Students who have taken to walking emergency occur, the campus police are ill
cated that the bounds towards artificial intelli- past information, but since information is from the dormitories to classes have prob- equipped to handle such a situation, or so
gence are significant, since Godel’s incom- vastly degraded due to parsing in a finite level ably, by now, noticed the blue lights atop anecdotal evidence shows.
pleteness theorem profoundly indicates that of neural nets, the quality of that information the phone boxes that have a direct-dial into
algorithmic approaches to computation would in memory feedback responses is highly inad- the emergency call center. The operating RSP is a joke (no offense
be futile. Due to the uncertainty of grasping a equate in precise learning and acquisition
complete axiomatic field of mathematical processes. In truth, the system has a universal
theory behind the blue light system is that meant to those who work for
a student should be able to plan a route
thought, the human mind is not, in many mathematical component that is not based on from their home (or wherever they are the service). At night[...]
ways, a machine of computation. The fact linguistic systems; it is a binary mechanism to leaving) to their destination, such that they
that Godel was even able to develop a precise store and recall past chains of infinite and are always between one blue light and the
RSP worker is to sit at the
theory of incompleteness was, for Penrose, highly degraded signifiers. To believe that next. In other words, standing at one blue main entrance of every
precisely the effect that causes one to under- presence is possible (read also: Heidegger, light, one can always see the next one.
stand that machine intelligence is limited. Its Being and Time) is inaccurate, and indeed, Sadly, this is far from the case. First dorm to check the IDs.
basic computational mechanisms are trapped thought, and all memory processes utilizing off, what good is this system when some-
in an uncertain and imprecise paradigm. recall mechanisms to fill in missing data in thing so simple as a power failure brings The Resident Assistants are, truth be
Shifting from such a paradigm, and under- memory and perception, is required. the entire system crashing to its knees? told, the only legitimate line of defense
standing the next road where intelligence is Virtual thoughts are a new mathematical Second, stray but a scant several hundred against serious problems, and that is
possible, requires that one take a leap of faith. paradigm that is unlike the algorithmic com- feet from the academic mall and the blue assuming that a disaster begins in a dormi-
But not a leap of faith where the subject is ponents of Turing Machines. The movement lights are few and far between. Where this tory building. That said, the RAs are rela-
aware of the consequences; rather, the conse- towards creative structure requires the need to author lives, which will not be disclosed, tively neutered when it comes to their abil-
quences of one’s choices are uncertain, and as model new mathematical systems that are one cannot see one blue light from the ity to handle truly violent or hazardous sit-
choice becomes more limited, the shock and based on more exact deterministic grounds next. uations, as they are required to rely upon
terror of that one choice is significant. The and find a way to cut the chain of infinite hier- the ineptitude of the police force to take
repetition that has caught the world of mathe- archy of signifiers. The creative concept is the over.
matics and science is the consequence of capacity to utilize the understanding of exis- The solutions to these problems will
something lacking within the system. tential limitation and choice, the capacity for most likely not be implemented, due to
The paradigm of science and mathematics systems to learn and understand without being cost-efficiency reasons. First off, more
is to achieve a new level of understanding that dependent on psychological functionalism - blue light call boxes need to be erected,
could fix a road towards achieving the that is, that specific signs of intelligence are but those cost hundreds of dollars, which
Genesis Project, which is a project in search of possible by analyzing behavioral changes in will most likely be seen as wasteful spend-
a true intelligence that is profoundly based on the organism. At a larger level, that may be ing. Second, RSP needs to have its fund-
taking the linguistic system into consideration. possible, but at a local level, the processes ing increased tremendously, such that
Linguists are highly aware of their rationalist towards AI are only possible on a cellular there are enough desk units to cover all
limitations; only a linguist knows he or she level, not merely computational machines. RSP is a joke (no offense meant to those entrances to all buildings and enough walk
must intuitively demonstrate the syntactical The genesis project is the realization that AI who work for the service). At night, the units to effectively cover the campus.
adequacies of a sentence. Even theories of may never be possible the way functionalists concept is that an RSP worker is to sit at Third, the police force needs to be re-
parsing in finitely subdivided neural networks dream of it. The possibility may be to move the main entrance of every dorm to check trained and re-tasked to handle violent
lead to inadequacies that are profound, since beyond that, towards vast integration of the IDs of all who enter. Sadly, RSP is incidents and the threat thereof. Their
the risk of a finite amount of memory degra- human intelligence with machine intelligence, u n d e r-funded and undermanned to the thinking needs to be corrected so that they
dation must be taken into account. Hence, and at a cellular level, like neurons breeding point where many buildings lack an RSP care less about expired parking meters (a
neural networking has severe limitations. with highly sophisticated computer chips, uti- desk worker. In addition, the service is so purely revenue-generating mentality) and
Even if one were to take into consideration lizing the capacity for greater memory capac- understaffed that only main entrances can more about issues of life-and-death, such
Markov’s process, the limitations are signifi- ity and recall. This in itself would allow the be covered, when they are covered at all, as the possibility of a student with a
cant, since training and imposing probability possibility of advancing further into evolution, and all buildings (by law) have multiple weapon deciding to take his frustrations
weighs on a chain only severely cracks the where the bounds of natural systems are limit- entrances, all but one of which are uncov- out on his fellow students. Finally, the
potential to overcome the problems of the ing the capacity for survival and the future of ered. campus needs an emergency reporting
Ramsey sentence. Functional states have the human space exploration. The RSP units who are assigned to walk mechanism such that should a disastrous
problem of not being equivalent to input and The final leap would be what theorist have about the campus in pairs are armed with event occur, all buildings and all class-
output, and so Turing Machines, which are speculated as the complete attainment of the little but a flashlight and a radio. Some rooms can be notified simultaneously, so
purely algorithmic in nature, are not the step to final stages of human integration with compu- (names withheld) see the system as a joke, that all students, faculty, and staff can be
take towards achieving a form of artificial tation, the capacity to recall and gather past which it is – by the time an RSP walk unit informed.
construction of human intelligence. brain states, using it to recreate matter at the arrives, whatever incident they have been This campus can be made much safer,
What’s unique about perception and the quantum and creative level. At this stage, the- called to has already passed. The service but only if the administration decides it is
binding principle is that all mammals have the orists have called it the Omega point, and it is of walking students from their buildings to more important to spend money on safety
capacity to achieve a level of learning and likely that the road towards the Omega point their dorms is done with aplomb, it must mechanisms than it is to spend money on
adaptation, significant to the point that one’s would be ideal, but it remains the last hope of be said, but there are too few walking DVD rental vending machines and other
basic understanding of evolution in mammals the Genesis Project. units, too few desk units, and far too few such frivolities.
71
Created
More Like Boring Wars: Battle for the Boring By David K. Ginn
Oh man, what were we to fight vampires in space. The the squad, and
thinking? We rented Vampire only laugh we got was when she everyone is preju-
Wars: Battle for the Universe, argued with someone and retorted, dicial towards
thinking it would be so ridiculous it quite profoundly, “ooga booga”. her. She’s one of
would give us a laugh, or maybe We played it six times. She defi- two hot women in
even be so bad it would be awe- nitely says it. the movie, and,
sadly, that kept
most of my atten-
tion. The other
hot woman, by
the way, was the
lead actress from
Final Destination didn’t really show it, though.
2, a movie that is so bad is fucking This movie was so boring I
awesome in every possible way. I wanted to vomit my mind so that I
wish more than a semi-hot young wouldn’t have to think about any-
actress had thing ever
been trans- again. This
ferred from m o v i e
that movie. could have
Something been bad-
like enter- ass awe-
tainment somely bad
value would if less than
have been two thirds
useful. of it had
This been bor-
half-vampire hot woman (who isn’t ing, pointless dialogue. God, they
even that hot) is also psychic. The talked. What they hell did they talk
reason, of course, is because... about? I don’t know. They just
Nope. There is no reason. She’s talked.
just psychic. She claims that all Michael Ironside is in this
vampires are. I wish I could be as movie. Don’t see it just for that.
learned in vampire mythology as Okay, maybe.
the film’s
writers.
What’s actu-
ally not so
bad about the
m o v i e ?
C a p t a i n
Cliché does-
n’t make it, so
Sergeant
some. We were so wrong. I don’t care that the last Stoic has to
There’s an elite group of paragraph had three or more tense take over.
soldiers traveling through space conflicts. I had a tense conflict He’s a much
fighting weird, mutant vampires. It when I wished, as we were watch- better actor than most of the lot. He
makes no sense. You can shoot ing the movie, that we had already played Jammer on Battlestar No, really, don’t.
them. They aren’t even real vam- watched it and were free to never, Galactica, which makes him cool
pires. I have no idea what the hell ever see it again. My wish didn’t because he was a big part of the
they were. come true. The movie got worse. It SciFi Channel’s webisodes that
In this elite squad is the was like a boring canker sore. aired between Seasons 2 and 3. He
most annoying Asian woman ever There’s a half-vampire in was too good for this movie. He
72
Created
Nothing Cremains but a Violent Urge to Kill Myself By Joe Donato
Cremains begins innocently and 2! There was an entire section two and half minute runtime,
enough: a woman in full bondage of 60s and 70s horror porn trailers because there was more entertain-
get-up (or about as full as bondage full of comedy gold. Imagine ment in the previews than any sin-
can be) is struggling on the floor of something like the fake Grindhouse gle moment of Cremains.
a bare white-walled room. Her trailers, and you might have an Okay, well that’s not entire-
thonged-ass is aimed at the camera- idea. ly true, there was this great part in
the first thing we see. A man comes I especially liked the movie the blooper reel where this redneck
to help her, freeing her from the which the DVD menu and spent 5 hours forgetting his line.
restraints. It turns out this con- Seduction Cinema’s
cerned man is actually the killer website insist on calling Vampire
who tied her up in the first place. Seduction, but is actually Joe
Truly a twist for the ages! Sarno’s most likely self-proclaimed
You’d think there would be masterpiece Veil of Blood. I know
more to this killer but I don’t think it’s called Veil of Blood because
he ever came back. Cremains had between a bunch of sex scenes and
other plans for my evening. Four weird dancing they repeated the
tales of nonsense and exposition name four times.
awaited, ending in the brutal final Sarno’s other 1974 vision of
tale of the Cremainder. mystery, suspense, and sizzling hot
What is the Cremainder, eroticism, Butterflies, is also fea-
you ask? It may have been the left- tured. In this trailer the voiceover
overs of a particularly messy math claims, “Butterflies are love.
problem, I don’t really remember. I Butterflies are life. Butterflies are

think he was a dude in a black out- lust.” He should have also claimed
fit who killed people, and either his that butterflies are sniffing panties,
story was shot in real-time, or he mooning people on the side of the
was a very slow killer. I also think road, and getting nasty rashes from
he died in the end, and he was prob- rubbing your face against a couch.
ably cremated. But that’s not all; we are also intro-
That’s not important duced to the All-American Sex
though; what is important is this Symbol Harry Reams (of Deep * - That’s telekinesis, readers!!
movie had fucking awesome pre- Throat), who has the power to
views. Imagine a gauntlet of terri- remove a woman’s clothes with
ble horror porn. There were girls mind-bullets!*
fighting knights, Erotic Survivor There’s at least a half hour
(yes, like the TV show, but erotic- of previews here to enjoy.
er), and The Erotic Witch Project 1 Cremains should have stuck to a
73
The Joel Plaskett Emergency – missing something, or on the other hand, if 8) The Apples In Stereo – New
Ashtray Rock you enjoyed it, checking out Noisettes Magnetic Wonder: Arguably the biggest
(4/17/2007, MapleMusic) wouldn’t be a bad move. band to emerge from the Elephant Six
___________ Collective’s ‘90s psych-pop revival, The
The 10 Best Albums That I Neglected Apples in Stereo constantly evoke
For one reason or another, Canadian So Far This Year Beatlesque comparisons, fairly or not. On
rockers often have a hard time making it 1) Brother Ali – The Undisputed NMW, The Apples In Stereo bring in a
big in the U.S. I can’t help but think of The Truth: Lyrically, this is the best rap album heavier ‘70s prog-rock influence.
Simpsons’ episode where American and in a sort-of long time. “I never said I had 9) Do Make Say Think - You, You're
Canadian customs agents bicker over juris- a business mind, I just don’t believe quit- a History in Rust: Post-rock is a relatively
diction. But even if he is a puck-slappin’ tin’ time exists/ain’t no finish line to this, new genre, and in spite of its focus on
maple-sucker, Joel Plaskett’s blue-collar you gotta gimme mine, I really shine, my holistic sound and typically a lack of
indie rock will likely appeal to your inner given time is this/live and die with the lyrics, DMST took a step forward within
Tom Petty. grind, driven by the fist,” Ali spits, proving the genre that (as their website says) “fea-
Plaskett has called Ashtray Rock a con- Noisettes – What’s The Time, Mr. the worth of the album’s title. The beats tures full-on verse-chorus-verse singing
cept album about a pair of adolescent Wolf? (04/17/07, Mercury) are all produced by Ant (of Atmosphere) so that builds towards lovely massed vocals.”
friends; the title is the non-fictional name you know they’re good, too. Whatever is Even so, in You, You're a History in Rust,
of a woodsy teenage hangout spot in his I swore when I started writing this that I in the water in Minnesota is breeding can- organic feel is not sacrificed at all.
native province of Nova Scotia. Though it was going to avoid making any compar- did and brilliant hip-hop like no single city 10) Andrew Bird – Armchair
may not be the most apt musical compari- isons to Yeah Yeah Yeahs. Released in has for more than a decade. Apocrypha: Andrew Bird is something of
son, the whole character-driven theme is a Europe back in February, the garage-y Brit 2) Klaxons – Myths of the Near an indie rock genius, even if I didn’t like
bit like The Who’s Tommy; the listener has trio gained a lot of attention; four singles Future: I was going to write about this, but Armchair Apocrypha as much as The
a detachment enough to watch, and yet is have come off of the album since this past I thought it was too out there. The whole Mysterious Production of Eggs. And
not so removed as to lack human interest. fall. Noisettes lead singer Shingai “new rave” scene springing up in the UK "Scythian Empires" is one of my favorite
Stateside, Plaskett may be remembered Shoniwa does have that Karen O growl in recalls the ‘90’s drugged-out raves with a anti-Iraq War songs.
from Thrush Hermit, a ‘90s alternative her voice, but sounds maybe a bit more more poppy electronica style. Then all of
rock band that never quite made it big in like a mellowed-out Beth Ditto of The England and the songs start showing up on
the U.S. (though I do remember their Gossip. Much like the aforementioned video game soundtracks. Go figure.
videos being on MuchMusic) back when bands, the faster the tempo and the grittier 3) The Twilight Sad - Fourteen
Sloan turned Maritime Canada into the sound, the better it works, and other Autumns and Fifteen Winters: All the buzz
“Seattle of the East.” As the lead singer points come up short. is that “oh no, they’re going to get called
and primary songwriter, Plaskett was the This is Noisettes’ debut album, but it’s Scotland’s The Arcade Fire.” As though
driving force behind Thrush Hermit, and a not necessarily coming out of nowhere. that’s a bad thing. I think it’s a safe bet that
couple of years after their breakup in ’99, Having opened for the likes of Bloc Party, all this critical acclaim will turn The
he would form The Joel Plaskett TV On The Radio, and Muse, they Twilight Sad into one of indie art rock’s
Emergency. drummed up a lot of buzz. After their five- biggest new artists.
“Drunk Teenagers” may be a hackneyed track EP last year, the major label Mecury 4) Menomena – Friend and Foe: In
title for a rock song, but the hook is so scooped them up quick. January, I made the early claim that this
agreeably populist. “Drunk teenagers/out What’s The Time, Mr. Wolf? kicks off was the album of the year. Very artsy indie
getting’ hammered on a Saturday with the daringly coarse and fast-paced rock that also plays with a lot of sam-
night/drunk teenagers/you can pick your “Don’t Give Up,” which sounds like it’s plings.
poison/the city or the country, we just begging to be put into the next iPod com- 5) J Dilla – Ruff Draft: The album’s
wanna make some noise;” you can’t hate mercial. “Scratch Your Name” is built first release on CD, it contains some of the
it. As an opening vignette, and the fuzzy around post-punk-type shredding guitar cult-favorite producer’s rawest and most
electric slide of the guitars is a fun throw- riffs, and the band’s challenge to “scratch experimental beats with some real psyche-
back. “Fashionable People” has a catchy your name into the fabric of this world delic and soulful samples. “Sounds like
keyboard thing going on in a way that’s before you go” is likely intended as a self- it’s straight from the mah’fuckin’ c a s-
much softer than his previous three challenge for the band’s future success. sette!” he calls out on the intro, and you
albums, but it’s not necessarily a bad thing. The most recent single, “Sister Rosetta,” just have to smile because it’s so true. RIP
“Snowed In/Cruisin’” has that impending has a nice clap-along melody that almost Jay Dee.
natural-disaster doom opposite a feeling of makes me want to invoke a comparison to 6) A Band of Bees – Octopus:
enjoying the isolation, and this is where Poly Styrene of the influential X-Ray Whoever said the mid-1960s had to end,
the conflict between best friends comes in. Spex. “Bridge To Canada” is probably the anyway? These modern British kids show
“Penny For Your Thoughts” is very remi- most Karen O-like anthem on the album. a variety of influence from psychedelia,
niscent of ’50s rock. And then, inevitably, But once the tracks start slowing down — folk, and reggae; they’re not unlike The
on the surf-y “The Instrumental,” we learn “The Count of Monte Christo” and the Zombies were 40 years ago. So it may
that the girl that led to the rift between the three tracks that close out the album: sound like something you’ve heard before,
friends leaves. “Face Of The Earth” has a “Mind The Gap,” “Cannot Even (Break but I mean that in a good way.
very late-‘70s “classic rock” folky guitar. Free),” and “Hierarchy” — the warbling 7) !!! – Myth Takes: Sometimes I
If you’re looking for storytelling from vocals feel out of place and the quasi-Riot feel like an idiot listening to Chk Chk Chk,
Plaskett, Ashtray Rock is a solid concept Grrl elements go out the window; it sounds other times I feel like I’m in on a brilliant
album. However, I’d suggest Thrush as if Kathleen Hanna were covering some inside joke. Nonetheless, there’s plenty of
Hermit’s Clayton Park or the Emergency’s old English sailor pub songs. great indietronica songs here, like “Break
La De Da. If Yeah Yeah Yeahs’ Show Your Bones In Case of Anything” and “All My Heroes
last year left you feeling like you were Are Weirdos.”
74
Batfight Pocket’s Musical Theater Night:
definitely isn’t. It’s just delightfully ran-
Reviewing ‘Cause I Was In It

dom. It’s this dead-panned goofiness that
makes Batfight successful and cohesive.
The one genuinely eepy part is Shaan tak- Monday finally came and we were
ing a drill in the forehead. Ouch. Pretty ready to go on. We had the University
exciting though, especially considering this Café for the night, I had physically threat-
is just a summary of the events prior to the ened people with random acts of violence
opening title. if they didn’t show up, and we were going
The rest of Batfight is badass too. to put on a good show. And we did. We put
I’m just too lazy to write the lengthy on a helluv a show for those who came to
review it deserves. The grand bat fight watch. We basked in the respective glow
duel takes place with a sheet of white paper of other people’s friends and supporters.
And yeah, I was in it.
By Stephanie Hayes underneath. Blood is shed but not a drop
The theme was shows that had pre-
___________ manages to tarnish that immaculate white
miered, or been revived, were running in
floor. It’s awesome. The actors are pretty,
the last ten years. I personally sang “This
So, there’s this movie called Cremains the screaming is loud, the soundtrack is
Is The Moment” from “Jekyll and Hyde.”
and, lemme tell you, it’s dog shit. It’s so solid. You can’t really ask for more. But a Adina Silverbush, everyone’s favorite
shitty, I couldn’t even smile at the shitti- last note: as a potential viewer, you should Business Manager for The Pre s s, did
ness. I was actually bored, and bad horror know my heart breaks everytime I see Miss “There’s A Fine, Fine Line” from “Avenue
movies should never be boring. G’bless Lalwani’s fragile, drilled-into body picked Q.” There were twenty-three acts in total
fledgling writer/director/actor Mitch up and carted away. My eyes are brim- and it was just a really fun time.
Hansen. Hansen saw that a movie could be ming with tears at the mere thought. By Alex H. Nagler When asked to comment on the night,
The same crew has since pumped out a ___________ Amanda Marschall, one of two directors
filmed in the overly obscure, amateur style
of Cremains, but with a self-aware knowl- series of shorts called Hot Friz City. Think of the evening stated, “Basically, I really
There is no musical theater program at would love for this event to help the the-
edge of its idiocy. The result is a bad horror secret Frisbee dealings, nonsense Shaan
Stony Brook. That’s one of the first things atre or music department establish a real
masterpiece of epic proportions… minced cameos, Spider-Man, and a hilariously
that struck me when I got here. We don’t musical to put on for the campus.”
down to a manageable six and a half min- relentless campus cop. Yep, undeniably have musicals per se, but we do have Marschall continued, “Tonight we showed
utes. Brace yourself for the most riveting smileworthy but I’m lacking the motiva- revues. And Monday, April 23rd was we have huge amounts of talent and inter-
YouTube experience of your life: Batfight. tion of the Frisbee-less guys and am giving Pocket Theater’s “Broadway The Pocket ests in musical theatre and I think it is
The opening filter effects are laid on up… writing this review, I mean. Way: A Tribute to the Last Ten Years of about time Stony Brook embraces musi-
supah thick. There’s a man singing in a Broadway”, and as stated in the title, I was cals. I am so proud of everyone because
way that makes me think he missed his in it. the show was a great success!”
calling as the main character in a true life Batfight: From the inside, it was a fun thing to And it was. I know that odds are I’ll do
Eraserhead scenario. Then, a switch to the http://youtube.com/watch?v=IZ7Arp94Mo put together. Rehearsal time was scarce it again next year, unless we get an actual
c due to the amount of people involved but musical production underway.
lovely Shaan Lalwani. Her eyes, glammed
Hot Friz City, episode one: the rehearsals we did get were valuable.
out in gigantic white-frame sunglasses,
http://youtube.com/watch?v=4O2olz6S- Finally, we somehow pulled everything Alex H. Nagler humbly re c o m m e n d s
stare vacantly upwards while she prattles
KE together and got a rough run-through done “Assassins” by Stephen Sondheim. It’s
on about snakes and the shedding of their a small cast, minimal dancing, gre a t
Hot Friz City, episodes 2-4: http://findthe- on Friday, April 20th. All of our hard work
skins. Pretty darnn eerie. Is the talk of was going to pay off. We may have had to subject material, easy to advertise, and
montheepisodeonepage
snakes a metaphor for a larger, all-encom- do the show on a Monday, but we were he can already sing most of the
Spider-Man backstory: http://comingsoon Balladeer part.
passing theme in the movie? Yeah… no, it going to put the show on.
Hot Road Circuit – The Underground is a Dying Breed

By Mike Passaretti tle odd to me initially. Once I listened to By far the catchiest chorus on the CD, highly, I was leaning towards three-starts,
___________ the rest of the album it made more sense. easily a single, “45s” is the classic A-A-B, however the more I listen to this album the
It definitely grasps the overall integrity of cookie-cutter song, but is that such a bad more I know I’m going to love it. The
It’s been incredibly intriguing to watch the album, cleanly and swiftly. thing? I don’t think so, because this song fourth star is there for future potential.
this band change and shape into the musi- Andrew’s vocals are impressive as ever. rocks pretty hard. The chorus, “things What held it back from a perfect score?
cal icons they are today. Maybe “icon” is He may not have a Bono-esque voice that don’t turn out like we planned it / no mat- The production. The quality of the instru-
a bit of a stretch if compared to the likes of the world will remember for years to ter what we say / I’ll hold you closer, tear ments, the overbearing reverb/delay on the
Madonna, but they have undeniably come, but it’s strong enough to make you my heart out / I will find another way.” vocals, and the overall mix just seem to
formed a silhouette in the territory of inde- feel like you are a part of the song. The Like I said earlier, it’s not ground-break- come up short. It lacks power and empha-
pendent music that will outlive most of us. lyrics are not ground-breaking, but the ing, but in the context of the music, it sis where it’s needed to bring everything to
The foothold they have created in my heart honesty and passion he puts into its deliv- works too well to ignore! the front. Sometimes I struggle to hear
and in my mind with their past music is ery will grab your attention. Now to my favorite song, “Spit You certain parts that I wish were brought to
nothing short of dazzling. The Stand-out tracks on the album include Out.” It’s very unique sounding compared the front of the mix.
Underground is no exception. “What We Believe In,” “45s,” and my per- to the rest of the album. It also sounds Overall, this is a really solid release
Hot Rod Circuit has always been the sonal favorite, “Spit You Out.” The first very similar to a band I’ve heard before, from a scene favorite. Hot Rod Circuit
kind of band that I will listen to a great line in the “What We Believe In” will give however I can’t put my finger on the name never ceases to impress me. It may not be
deal for a short period of time, and then the listener a clear idea as to the direction of the band right now. It’s more “indie” their peak, but it’s incredibly strong. I’d be
forget about for a couple months, until of the song: “I am so high I can feel you in than the rest of the album--less structure, excited to see where the boys go from
maybe hearing someone mention them in my bones / I’m staring at the window.” It more music. My favorite part, that really here. Their unique style will be their trac-
passing, or even a lyric that triggers an may seem like something that’s been done, makes this song spectacular, is the transition on a slippery road that they have so
emotion that stirs up old feelings. This cliché, etc., but the rest of the song really tion between the chorus into the bridge. gracefully maneuvered over the years.
album will leave a longer lasting impres- pulls together pretty nicely. It’s a catchy The overlapping vocals, the guitar solo, Since their inception a decade ago, I would
sion than anything previous. tune that I find myself humming in the the simple drums…it’s glorious. be very proud of this release for such a
Their choice for the first song was a lit- middle of my daily routine quite often. Even though I regard this album very momentous occasion.
75
Pokemon Diamond and Why Spider-Man Hot Fuzz:
Pearl: Hands-on 3 Will Suck! the Real Review
pokemon in the first place is totally By Justin Meltzer By Justin Meltzer
AWOL, which leaves the stage open for ___________ ___________
some other grey-haired scientist. Instead of
being warmly introduced into Pokemon, Yes, I know I will get a lot of shit for Warning: Spoilers Ahead
writing an article about the years most
you pretty much steal some to keep from
anticipated movie, but as The Pre s s’s Well, we’ve all seen Shaun of the Dead,
being killed by blood-thirsty, children-eat-
o fficial “unofficial” movie critic, it is the highly influential British parody of
ing fake Pidgeys, and due to the amazing
my duty to warn the people what they pretty much every zombie film ever made.
impression you make on the stolen poke-
are to expect from this most impressive Well, the people who brought you that cul-
mon, you can't give them back. Guess this of films. Absolutely nothing! tural phenomenon are back, but this time
By Nick Fox new scientist will have to recruit you and Yes, you heard right, don’t expect it’s cop films that are on the chopping
___________ your friend into helping him know every anything from this film. Nothing at all, block. And they’ve seen every single cop
pokemon in the world. Sounds like the not even in the slightest. Here’s why: film ever made, so you’d better be fuckin’
So, yes, dear readers, Nick Fox woke up beginning of a pokemon-collecting adven- I t ’s because they gave away almost the prepared!
at 7am to rush down to the local in-mall ture! whole film in the previews. The movie, We start the movie by following the
video-game store to get a copy of both 4) I don’t know how many of you out which is said to premiere at 139 min- exploits of London’s number one cop,
Pokemon Diamond and Pearl. there are familiar with the witty banter utes long has probably shown about Nicholas Angel. He is the toughest, most
some trainers along the trail have, but… do half of the actual footage through the badass cop in all of London, having gradu-
For those of you living under Geodudes, they still like wearing shorts? I don’t real- previews. If there is a bootleg, leaked ated from his class with perfect grades and
Pokemon Diamond and Pearl were ly know, because I haven’t seen any old- copy of the movie out right now (it is receiving some of the highest honors of any
school witty banter. Sure, the word “n00b” April 28 at the time of this writing) it is police officer around. The only problem is
released simultaneously Sunday morning
just because someone grabbed all the that he is too good and is making everyone
at 8am here on Long Island, and I was is thrown around, but shorts? Nope.
trailers off of the net and edited them else look bad. So the administration does
among the first to pick them up. 5) WTF is up with this fucking watch?
together to make the movie! This is what any administration would do in this
Poketch? How do I even say that? And
squarely the fault of the marketing’s situation; they get rid of him by relocating
Well, enough of the bullshit, let’s get why does it have a calculator? Are there
promotions department, so it should be him. Off he goes to some quiet town in the
right into the Muk. math-type pokemon in this game? Perhaps e v e r y o n e ’s responsibility to give them middle of bumblefuck England. The only
a Trigotron? Guess I won’t be catching a firm “Fuck You!” problem is that this quiet town has some
First off, the graphics aren't as unhashed him since I failed that. Is this some sort of W h y, oh why do they choose to do very suspicious activity relating to the
as I previously thought. Instead of mostly new Geodude evolution? Geomotree? this? I have a couple of beliefs on the deaths of its town members, which are
top down view, it’s now mostly 3/4 view, That’s not a stone at all! m a t t e r, but first let’s sight precedent. written off as accidents, but #1 cop Nicolas
which is ok. Things like buildings and stuff I t ’s the year 2002 and the summer Angel knows better.
look kind of three dimensional, and things All jokes aside, why do I need a watch movies are being released. The trailer Hot Fuzz borrows from other action/cop
are kind of pretty looking but I can't com- to remind me of how many hours I’ve comes on the screen in the theater and movies such as Bad Boys 2 and Point
pare the graphics to anything found in the wasted playing a game based on fake ani- the movie is called Blue Crush. Ring Break, but the jokes in this movie are orig-
FF3 release (those beginning cut scenes mals? I’m sure I could spend less time any bells? Watch the trailer and you inal and witty. When they kill someone in
made me speechless) catching real animals, you know, outside. have just witnessed the plot to the the film, there is plenty of blood, gore, and
whole film. Jump back to now, Spider- violence. You can’t deny the humor in the
Man 3 is about to come out and if you film, but there are other points to consider
So graphics aside, here are some game But anyway, the game is good so far,
h a v e n ’t heard of it in one sense or for the movie as a whole. The story is
play issues: and color-wise, looks amazing on the DS
another you have officially been in a clever with lots of twists and turns around
1) The game relies a lot on the touch- lite. Owning a DS fat, I felt bad for myself,
cave with your eyes closed and you fin- every corner (as is typical with suspense,
pad. Nothing fun like minigames (yet, I but my girlfriend let me look at the cool
gers in your ears… and you are on thriller and murder mysteries), but the pro-
have hopes after reading the game book- pokemon on hers. By cool, I mean color- gression is what bothers me. We see and
Mars.
let), but mostly touching through menus to ful, not uncute. I'm still waiting for those. The movie has been so over hyped understand how the character has a stick up
get your pokemon to attack or to throw a and over publicized that it has taken his ass, but it doesn’t really humanize him
pokeball, etc. So go pick up Pokemon Diamond and away the artistic qualities and theatrical in the eyes of the viewer. I personally
This is ok, since you can get through all Pearl. I am not getting paid to say that. intrigue of the film. Why watch a film couldn’t seem to feel for this character until
of the menus with the d-pad, but silly New pokemon, as well as old favorites like when you know everything that is more than halfway through the movie when
things like extra description menus of Geodude and Abra are around to teleport going to happen? I mean, they released his new cop pal Danny Butterman teaches
pokeballs and potions can get unnecessary away and totally ruin your night. four - count ‘em - four official theatri- him to relax a little.
after a few hours. Uploading from Fire Red, Leaf Green, and cal trailers in the theatres. Usually they The movie really is great overall but gets
2) The pokemon - I know it's only three other Advance generation Pokemon games only release one or at most two for big- even better near the end. As the gunfight
hours in... but can I get some less cute make filling your pokedex even less nerve- ger summer movies, but four? What the starts, we find out how incredibly loony
pokemon? The starting three pokemon are, wracking! hell! And the worst part is that every- they can get with it, shooting everyone in
one loves it. Nobody seems to realize town from the shopkeepers, to the old
as everyone suspects, a grass-type, a fire-
that they are ruining the movie for ladies, to the priest. In the end, everyone
type, and a water-type. The grass-type If Pokemon has taught me anything in
themselves by watching all the trailers. gets theirs, and then some. If you liked
pokemon is a turtle, the water-type is a life, it is to never trust your childhood
S e r i o u s l y, it’s not funny anymore! Shaun of the Dead you must see this picture
penguin, and the fire-type is a.... chim- friend. He will always take that Pokemon
I would just like to mention that the and to everyone else I recommend this film
panzee? Of course I went with the chim- with the type advantage over yours, and
movie, Spider-Man 3 won’t actually very much. I give it an amazing five out of
panzee, whose name happens to be CHIM- will always try to screw you. Friends, suck, but it won’t be as much fun seven stars. Great Job!
CHAR! All cute as hell, including the you’re on notice. because of all the footage they have
pokemon you fight in the wild which shown in the trailers. The worst of Rated R for graphic violence, language,
include both beavers and electric cat-like which was the 7 and a half minutes of one or two annoying laughs, and a shit-load
things. Pidgey rip-off's are also included. footage they showed on NBC.com after of gun violence.
3) WTF happened to Professor Oak? “Pokemon Diamond/Pearl” an episode of Heroes. But whatever,
The loveable old man who gets you into just go see the movie and enjoy. P.S.- Rat Porn
76
This Is Why We Can’t Have Nice Things:
Perry Goldstein, The Lack of Musical Theater, and My
Edifice-Crush on the Metropolitan Opera House
By Alex Nagler received by singers of musical theater, currently working on creating an ACH there is no musical theater program here
___________ the way such singers use their voices in 102 course that has as its goal the pro- at Stony Brook and why we do have
that medium, is quite different from the duction of a musical. In addition, stu- operas. While I love the opera (as should
There is no musical theater program at training that classical musicians receive. dents can take advantage of the opportu- be noted by my titular edifice-crush on
Stony Brook. That’s one of the first Many voice teachers would assert that nity to form a club devoted to musical the Metropolitan Opera House), I also
things that struck me when I got here. It these two styles are incompatible. The theater productions. The Tabler Center love the Great White Way. I understand
always puzzled me that we have such a Music Department has two part-time fac- has a 300-seat performance space, with that the faculty can’t support teaching in
l a rge student body and a fantastic music ulty who teach voice and are experts in movable lighting, lighting board, grand a style they’re not accustomed to and that
program, and yet, we have no musical opera and classical song tradition. piano, staging, etc., that would be avail- the rights are expensive, but can’t we
theater program. Fitting in with the Neither is experienced in musical theater, able to such students. Student produc- give it a shot? “You’re A Good Man
p a p e r’s sudden swing back towards and, as that style is outside their experi- tions of "Hair" and other musicals have Charlie Brown” was successful, but it
investigative features, I figured that ence, it wouldn't be appropriate for them taken place—all that is required are stu- was done by faculty. Pocket’s Musical
emailing Dr. Perry Goldstein, head of the to teach that style. And then there is the dents with energy and commitment. The Night was great, but it was a revue. Isn’t
college of Arts, Culture and Humanities huge apparatus, dramatic and musical, resources are here to help them with their there some way that we can get an hon-
( Tabler Quad) and Director of required by musical theater productions. productions.” est-to-goodness musical done?
U n d e rgraduate Studies and The Music Department doesn't have the He added in a follow-up email, “I was “Hair” worked. People are still talking
Musicianship, Composition and Theory resources to mount such productions. able to speak with Deborah Mayo, the about it. To the students of Stony Brook,
was a good idea. And yeah, it was. The Music Department does produce two Undergraduate Studies Director in the I’m taking on the role of Don Quixote,
Dr. Goldstein decided the question opera events per year, part of its mission Department of Theatre Arts. She told me the Lord of La Mancha. I’m hurling
was one that was definitely worth inves- to train singers and instrumentalists in that although the Department was able to down the gauntlet to thee. Make a musi-
tigating. He discussed it with some of his the operatic tradition. Musical theater, mount productions in the past of such cal happen so that we have something
colleagues and came to the following on the other hand, is outside the purview musical comedies as "A Funny Thing new to talk about once all the students
decision: the faculty and budget of the of most departments of music. Happened on the Way to the Forum," and who were in “Hair” graduate. I’m think-
Music Department can’t handle a musi- But students who love musical theater "Godspell," they have not been able to do ing we need another national anthem,
cal. But rather than ramble on about it shouldn't despair. There are ways to be so recently because of limited resources. folks, and I think it just begun in the ball-
myself, I’ll let Dr. Goldstein say it for involved in musical theater, and those It is very expensive to put on musicals. park. Yes, I’m talking about the ever-
himself: ways are growing. A successful perform- The rights are expensive, an orchestra popular Sondheim musical, “Assassins.”
“Although the Music Department does ance of "You're a Good Man, Charlie has to be hired, and the productions Check my review of the Pocket perform-
teach certain kinds of vernacular music, Brown" was just given at the Tabler themselves are prohibitively costly. ance for my justification.
such as courses in popular music, jazz, Center. This was an initiative of Campus She did mention that there will be a My thanks go out to Dr. Goldstein for
and music of other cultures, and has a Residences, and the plan next year is to course taught by actress Marie Danvers responding to my question and doing the
jazz band and jazz combos, the emphasis put on another musical comedy and (who appeared in the Broadway produc- legwork to make sure that his response
in the department is on the classical tra- increase the number of students involved tion of "The Phantom of the Opera" as was a thorough one. It’s nice that there’ll
dition. In other words, all of the per- in the production. Students interested in "Christine") next semester. It is called be an ACH class with musicals, but it
formance faculty except for our profes- being involved can contact me at pgold- "Singing for Actors," and is under the looks like the ability to produce a musi-
sors of jazz is an expert in the classical stein@notes.cc.sunysb.edu. Now that rubric THR 351, Special Topics. cal falls on the shoulders of Pocket
tradition. We don't have the resources to there is an undergraduate College of Arts, So there we are. The voice faculty isn’t Theater. Godspeed, Pocket.
employ a jazz or rock guitarist to give Culture, and Humanities, there may be equipped to handle musical theater and
lessons to students, nor an expert per- opportunities to mount productions at the musicals cost too much to put on. These Alex H. Nagler has the ability to close
former in popular styles. The training Tabler Center through the College. I am are both very valid reasons as to why down schools in Indonesia.
Fear of a Blank Planet — Porcupine Tree

By Joe Donato graph, as the album is all about jacking in and ing less time outside. Imagine our society in Nokia Theater in NYC in late May. I highly
___________ tuning out, being desensitized to everything in twenty years at this rate; I believe that's what suggest you check out the album and see them
your world. Obviously I'm not advocating this album is all about. live.
"Why would you want to watch something living your life in front of a TV; it's all about Musically, it follows the trend Porcupine
that's depressing? I always watch comedies." moderation. Live your life, but also take a Tree has been setting for the last two albums,
I've heard this a few times, and I have never break sometimes. That's not what this album but it executes far better than Deadwing, and
understood it. An engaging story is some- is about; it's about a darker world, in which at least a bit better than In Absentia. The style
thing that tugs at your emotions without con- children are raised by their Xboxes and com- is progressive rock, with a sprinkling of metal
sequence. After all, at the end it's all just a mit crimes only because there's nothing better here and there. As usual, the lyrics are soft
story. You come out of it having experienced to do. and soothing, although in this context more
feelings-sadness, happiness, and anger-all It's not necessarily reality, but it's a path haunting. The entire mood of the album is
without anyone having to get hurt. Life is all we're heading down. Our society grows more great; it gives you a sense of dread, but main-
about dynamics, and it's not healthy to only technological and busy by the day. Traffic is tains some upbeat sections throughout. I think
experience a small range of emotions. With getting worse, people have to work more to without those upbeat moments they'd alienate
that said, Fear of a Blank Planet is a downer sustain themselves, and they have less time to more of the audience than they already are.
of an album. take care of their kids. These kids rely on TV Porcupine Tree is currently touring to pro-
I'm also debating the irony of that last para- and computers to occupy themselves, spend- mote the album. They'll be playing at the
”My Virginia Tech The mainstream media isn’t telling For those who still think that pharma- Then assess if these companies are
Shooting Comments you about gun control, the coming ceutical companies test on animals for working for the public good or if they
By Matthew Rammelkamp police state, and the unanswered ques- the public good, I urge you to reconsid- are in the business of making money
___________ tions about this terrible shooting that e r. Pfizer, GlaxoSmithKline, and over and see all life - human and animal - as
FOX News isn’t telling you. 30 other drug companies sued South expendable.
In response to the devastating shoot- Check out www. j o n e s r e p o r t . c o m , Africa for making cheap and much-
ing that occurred this past week at w w w.infowars.com, and www. p l a n e t- needed generic versions of AIDS med- John Edwards’ G r a s s ro o t s
Vi rginia Tech University, I just have prison.com. T h a n k s . ications. Those two companies have Campaign for P re s i d e n t
two comments. Drug Company Crimes Against also been exposed in a scandal in New By Laura Positano
One, I find it sketchy that police and Humanity and A n i m a l s York City which involved using ___________
E M T workers at Vi rginia Tech claim By Matthew Rammelkamp orphans as test subjects for controver-
that campus police were given a federal ___________ sial medications. They are now being The American middle class is suff e r-
order to stand down and not pursue investigated by the city health depart- ing, and its demise is imminent if the
killer Cho Seung-Hui as Monday's According to recent opinion polls, ment. Supposedly the trials were government doesn’t radically change.
bloodshed unfolded. This explains the only 13% of the public has confidence designed to test the `toxicity' of A ID S So say supporters of John Edwards. In
complete non-response of the police in or trust in the pharmaceutical industry, medications and involved giving chil- his second bid for the presidency, he is
the two-hour gap between Cho's first ranking amongst the likes of big tobac- dren as young as four a high-dosage running on a platform geared towards
two murders and the wider rampage that co, the oil industry, and insurance com- cocktail of seven drugs at one time. restoring the success of A m e ri c a ’s mid-
would follow later that morning. panies (Harris Poll published in July of Another study looked at the reaction in dle class: affordable health care and
Two, I find it a shame that the estab- 2005). Vioxx and about half of all drugs six-month-old babies to a double dose income tax reform. Despite his wife
lishment is using this shooting to approved by the FDA are either recalled of measles vaccine. E l i z a b e t h ’s recent recurrent bout with
destroy our right as Americans to own or relabeled due to dangerous and fatal H o ffman LaRoche is being sued c a n c e r, Edwards has stayed on the cam-
guns. Here are two things you gun con- side-effects unforseen by animal testing because its blockbuster acne medication paign trail because he is determined to
trol nuts need to realize: criminals don't (U.S. General Accounting Off i c e Accutane has been linked to teen sui- eliminate poverty in A m e r i c a .
obey laws, and gun control only dis- report). cides, and so has Glaxo's antidepressant Such a campaign focus was called
arms the victims. In June, 2002, the New England Paxil, among many others. New Yo rk “populism” in earlier elections, dating
The Bush Administration is doing Journal of Medicine announced that it Attorney General Elliot Spitzer is suing back to the 1880s when candidates tried
everything it can to give the military would accept “biased journalists” - Glaxo for fraud for suppressing four of to back urban workers, farmers, and
and police in this country a monopoly those who accept money from drug the five Paxil studies. It turned out 80% those opposing rich people. As in the
on gun ownership. Despite being false- companies - because it is too difficult to of the studies showed the drug was nineteenth century’s Gilded Age, mas-
ly seen as an NRA-supporter, Bush sup- find ones that have no ties. In 2002, harmful and potentially dangerous. sive gaps between the rich and everyone
ports disarming airline pilots, forfeiting ABC News reported that ties between They failed to report this when getting else exist because of governmental cor-
gun rights for misdemeanors, and doctors and pharmaceutical companies Paxil approved by the FDA. Novartis' ruption and disregard for the needs of
a rgues that the total DC gun ban is a amount to over $2 billion a year spent mind-altering Ritalin is simply a way workers.
reasonable restriction on the 2nd on over 314,000 events that doctors for someone to profit off of the bad par- Edwards was part of an evening of
Amendment. attended. Representatives from drug enting skills of those who feed their house parties given last week across the
During the devastating aftermath of companies "sweet-feed" gullible doc- children refined sugar products. nation. I was pleasantly treated by Ed
Hurricane Katrina, this administration tors into prescribing their drugs, while If you don't believe that the same Smith of East Patchogue to a DVD of
declared Martial Law in New Orleans safer and cheaper alternatives exist - executives who you think are in the Edwards, followed by a conference call
and suspended the Bill of Rights. Law- such as generics or natural cures. Some business of "finding cures" would mur- with Edwards as he spent a few minutes
abiding homeowners were handcuffed of these “special events” that A B C der in cold blood - go see the hit in a campaign stopover in an airport.
by the U.S. military and forced to sit on reported involved pharmaceutical com- Hollywood movie The Constant This was sponsored by the John
sidewalks while their homes were raid- pany representatives renting out the top G a r d e n e r. If you don't think that drug Edwards grassroots org a n i z a t i o n ’s
ed and their guns were confiscated floors of high-scale restaurants and giv- company representatives with no med- S u ffolk County chapter of One Corps.
In the event of a natural disaster, ing presentations to doctors. ical background give false information The DVD focused on Edwards’ s t a t e d
shouldn't homeowners be allowed to Furthermore, the Institute for Evidence- to doctors and bribe them with dinners goals of restoring A m e r i c a ’s moral
protect their families and private prop- Based Medicine in Germany reported and football tickets, go see the movie leadership on the world stage, affo rd-
erty? In the event of a hijacking, that 94% of the information in drug Side Eff e c t s . able quality healthcare for all
shouldn't airline pilots be able to save company literature aimed at pharma- When they claim they use animal Americans, the elimination of poverty,
everyone on board by shooting the ceutical companies have absolutely no tests to predict the safety of their drugs, and the strengthening of A m e ri c a ’s mid-
hijackers? In the event of a school basis in fact. Virtually all of the infor- I urge you to think about their other dle class. In addition, his disagreement
shooting, shouldn't the principal or mation contained therein has been crimes- what they are being investigat- with President Bush’s war in Iraq
teachers be able to gun down the armed either distorted or exaggerated, the ed for, sued for, and what they've (which Hilary Clinton supports) and
nut? study revealed. already plead guilty to and/or settled. concern about global warming were
78
mentioned. With his background as a The second event, held on Earth Day, army but did not know how to do any- presses . Soon after, he crossed the
trial lawyer, he has experience defend- April 22nd, was composed of “Reduce thing. The “great break of [his] life” Rhine into Germany. After returning
ing powerless people from special inter- Your Carbon” local outreach events that was spent with the British artillery out- from Germany, Rooney wrote with a
ests. aimed to reduce individual environmen- fit . The military newspaper, Stars and friend The Story of the Stars and
Edwards was not more specific about tal impacts. As noted in an e-mail to Stripes, put out a bulletin asking for Stripes, and the movie company Metro
his plans on the conference call he held supporters, this campaign is like no newspaper reporters to work for them. Goldwyn Mayer (MGM) bought the
with concurrent house parties nation- other. He was hired, despite having only had screenplay for $50 million.
wide. Suffice it to say, he mostly experience writing for college media. U n fo rt u n a t e l y, the actor who was sup-
focused on his desire to have the 47 Andy Rooney of 60 Minutes A p p e a r s He “did not know how to be a newspa- posed to play the lead died and the
million Americans who are uninsured at Suffolk Community College perman” as much as he did not know movie ceased being produced. So
protected by health insurance. By Laura Positano how to shoot a howitzer gun in his dis- Rooney returned to the world of jour-
His campaign’s goal, in having these ___________ astrous attempt at applying for off i c e r nalism for work, where he asked his
house parties, was to generate support training. friend, journalist Edward R. Murrow,
as well as campaign contributions to On We d n e s d a y, April 25, the writer After getting hired, Rooney got to see for a job, with no luck. Rooney got a
raise matching funds in time for the Andy Rooney of 60 Minutes fame came World War II in a way he would not job writing for Arthur Godfrey - who
March 31st deadline. E-mails to sup- to the Ammerman campus of Suff o l k have seen otherwise. While working for was a “big deal in television and radio”
porters ask them to help the Edwards Community College in Selden for the Stars and Stripes, he lived in a London - and his radio show. Not too long after,
campaign make history with contribu- Campus Activities Distinguished apartment, or, as he called it, a “flat.” CBS broadcast the radio show on televi-
tions that support Edwards’ mission of Lecture Series. He apologetically To this day, he has fond memories of sion. While the money was good,
combating poverty in America and explained that he “writes better than London, and he travels there often. Rooney wanted to do something he con-
abroad. The tension of needing to raise [he] speaks,” noting that he rarely does He had much to write about sidered to be more worthwhile, and so
enough funds to be viable against other speaking engagements. His qualms did over the course of the three years he he started doing documentaries on top-
Democratic contenders is evident in the not stand in the way of a successful lec- was with Stars and Stripes. As he put it, ics ranging from colleges, small towns,
fundraising e-mail entitled, “the clock ture. Though the audience appeared to “you have to have something to write and cars, to the politician Barry
is ticking.” comprise of less than 300 tickets sold about,” or it can be discouraging. As a G o l d w a t e r. His favorite was “Strange
The clock is ticking, as the time by the Campus Activities Board Stars and Stripes reporter, he worked Case of the English Language,” since
draws nearer to the pushed-back pri- (approximately 100 people were there), with the 8th Air Force beside Wa l t e r English is, in his opinion, the best lan-
maries of January and February. As of there was a sense of spellbound cama- Cronkite, a good friend of his. He had guage in the world (but not perfect).
March 31st, $2,842,722.05 was raised raderie among those who were in atten- some war lessons and adventures while E v e n t u a l l y, he ended up at 60
by online donors alone. In politics, dance. there. Reporters covering the 8th A i r Minutes. Rooney marveled that he was
funds equal viability, and without them, The distinguished lecture was a Force made the decision to get gunner there at the start of the television age. In
t h e r e ’s not much chance against the jovial, collegial, and eloquent one. training. In addition, Rooney’s bomber the question session, he noted that the
competition. Edwards’ campaign for From sitting in his chair, as opposed to plane was hit. He was called into coverage of World War II was more
President is a valiant one; with many standing at the lectern that was on the unsafe France for the June 6th invasion. accurate than the current coverage of
Americans uninsured and working two stage, Rooney felt he was “just talking” Rooney told of how, in the city of the Iraq War due to government vetting
or three jobs to make ends meet, his to the audience. Upon observing the France, there was a side of a church that of reporters’ questions and information.
platform gives him a fighting chance at sign language interpreter in the corner, was knocked down and a killed major’s The Holocaust “was one of the biggest
the presidency. One hopes his platform Rooney joked that when one of his tele- body was laid on top of the church roof. mysteries of all time;” he witnessed the
and ebullient personality will be enough vision scripts was translated into This was a “great story” for which he atrocious concentration camps and
to raise funds to the point of making Japanese, the meanings were all received a bronze star. He quipped wondered how Germany went to such
him a top contender for within the changed. He mused that the same might afterwards to the audience, “Keep in bizarre lengths. Journalists today are
Democratic Party. It is an ambitious occur with sign language. This drew mind that you’re looking at someone more aware of ethics, thanks to journal-
campaign, aiming to combat poverty as enormous laughs from the audience. w h o ’s dumber than he is brave.” Th e ism schools, and are less likely to fall
well as serious environmental prob- Rooney went on to discuss how he World War II legendary journalist Ernie prey to shoddy reporting of yesterday,
lems. April was declared by the became involved with journalism, but Pyle, who was “one of the greatest jour- he observed. He sees the problems of
Edwards campaign to be Global he also talked about his educational nalists of all time” according to Rooney, d i fferent generations, and so he doesn’t
Warming Month, a month of environ- background. Rooney went to the A l b a n y stayed with him and other war corre- think his attitude about life is dominat-
mentally conscious events. Namely, Academy in upstate New York, which spondents in the hotel. Rooney went on ed by his 88 years. Rooney’s advice to a
there have been two events for Edwards he described as a “good school,” where to recall that Stars and Stripes, which crowd of mostly students was the fol-
supporters to show their concern about he wrote for many college publications. had a circulation of two million, need- lowing: appreciate chances to learn and
the planet. The first one was on April He was drafted at the end of his third ed somewhere to print in France. Since opportunities that are available while in
14th, when there were Step It Up ral- year in school. With regret, Rooney the Germans did not destroy the French college. One could say his lecture was
lies, focused on convincing Congress to noted that he never returned to college. presses, Stars and Stripes utilized the quite educational.
cut national carbon emissions by 2020. When he was drafted, he went into the New York Herald’s French bureau’s
79
Horoscopes: This is It, This is Mystical Shit
By Alex Walsh The cosmic implications of typhoid are bet is this: someone close to you is going Leo (July 23-August 22): This summer
___________ unclear, but the river crossing clearly fore- to die. Maybe that surprise party for is very much a mixed bag for you. Your
shadows a wise choice in an important Grandpa isn’t such a good idea. Assuming party has astoundingly good luck through-
I was sound asleep the other night, decision. Unfortunately, your death on you make it out of May intact – and that’s out in terms of material gains, finding four
having self-medicated a bad cold with September 1st indicates that, although a bit of an assumption, let me tell you – abandoned wagons. Profiting off the
NyQuil and whiskey, when I had the most wise, your choice will require great sacri- things are likely to quiet down for a while. expense of others never felt so good. It’s
astounding dream in the history of dream- fice. Best of luck! June, July, heck, even August isn’t so bad true, you have a broken wagon axle in late
having. How astounding, you ask? Well, for you. Congrats! You’re the luckiest so June – perhaps symbolizing some automo-
I’ll gladly tell you. Here’s how it went far, despite a rough start. There’s even a tive trouble – but just days before you’d
down: I was on an escalator made of PEZ wagon find in mid-August, giving you a stumbled upon a wagon with, get this, a
candies with former Speaker of the House set of clothing and 21 bullets. Don’t spend spare wagon axle! Things just fall into
Newt Gingrich. Just as I was about to get it all in one place. September, though… place sometimes. Unfortunately, these
off at the bottom, the state of Vermont – maybe we shouldn’t talk about September. good times are interspersed with bad. A
not a guy in a suit shaped like Vermont, No, my integrity as a member of the for- failed ford at the Big Blue River crossing
mind you, but the embodiment of the state tune-telling community drives me onward. portends a mistake in a time of decision.
itself (it smelled heavily of maple syrup Short story: you get measles, an ox dies, Shortly thereafter, health troubles hit. A
and patchouli) – appeared before me. there’s heavy fog, and you die. All within broken leg and arm in the transition from
Banishing Mr. Gingrich from the PEZ- five days! Doesn’t take an astounding May to June are signs of a loss of strength.
calator with its magic, the Green Mountain astrologer like me to know that’s bad. Perhaps a moral weakness born of your
state turned to me and sang. Well, rapped. Taurus (April 20-May 20): In the early new material wealth? In June, fever
“What you know about that?” part of the summer, your fate will be large- strikes. The rising stress of your lifestyle
Given my experience in divination, of ly determined by the forces affecting those puts the heat on. This all leads up to
which I’m sure you are all aware, I was around you. Nothing happened directly to exhaustion on July 29th, a complete break-
able to correctly interpret this nocturnal you until August 8, but your party’s good down both mentally and physically. Death
visitation. I was to become a soothsayer. fortune in finding plentiful wild fruit and visits you two days later.
My new mission, delivered from on high, making a successful ford of the Big Blue
was to determine the fates of my fellow River are encouraging signs. May, June,
students by seeking portents in Oregon and July will be easier for you than for
Trail. Firing up my Apple II emulator, I set many other signs, but with that comes a
to work. These are my results… slight feeling of boredom. Things are pret-
ty good for you, but couldn’t they get bet-
ter? Lack of advancement at work and Cancer (June 21-July 22): Way to go,
slow progress in your relationships are Cancer. Bucking the trend of easy Junes.
likely in this period. If you’re asking for That was getting a bit repetitive, now was-
something to happen, be careful what you n’t it? Anyway, after generally coasting Vi rgo (August 23-September 22):
wish for: August will most certainly pres- through May, June opens up with a nice bit Resilience is the key theme of your sum-
ent trying times. A broken leg and injured of dysentery. This points to trouble at the mer. Who would think that a person could
ox in the early part of the month are indi- workplace. Some mild embezzlement get measles four times and live? Well, I
cators of obstacles preventing you from uncovered, mayhaps? Be more careful suppose you didn’t live that last time, but
reaching your goals. Things unravel quick- next time. July brings the usual troubles – you made it further than anyone else.
ly, leading to your death on the 27th. A poor water and insufficient grass symbol- Measles, as I’m sure you’re aware, is a
pity, if you’d held out a couple more izing the “no fuel” feeling of the doldrums highly contagious virus spread through
Aries (March 21-April 19): May starts weeks, the Indians would have helped you of summer – but is otherwise calm. Keep respiration. This points to another danger
off hard for you. After a mere four days on find food. an eye on your friends going into August; that spreads easily from the mouth: gossip.
the trail, you caught cholera. This does not a snakebite on the 14th is a sign of betray- It is likely that some person who feels
bode well. Perhaps some conflict at work al. What the leprechaun says is true: wronged by you will talk bad about you. It
is on the horizon? Perseverance pays off, they’re always after your lucky charms. recurs just about once a month. This poi-
though. Your party finds lots of wild fruit While old friends may not stand the test of son-tongued malefactor is persistent.
in June – a clear symbol of success. But time, new ones can come through when Fortunately, you have a steady stream of
not material success. No, this points to you need them. Despite a recurrence of wild fruit to reinforce your inner strength.
advancement in interpersonal relation- dysentery in early September (didn’t I tell Is there someone in your life who is always
ships. Has a new love entered the picture? you to be more careful?), you’re the only there for you? That’s your fruit bush. This
Don’t push it too fast, a lost trail in early one in your party who lives to see the help- person appears again in August, this time
July delays the party several days – indi- ful Indians on the 9th. New friends bearing as a Shoshoni Indian who helps you cross
cating a period of great indecision in your gifts are always welcome. Unfortunately, the Snake River – guiding you through a
life. Nothing will come easily until the end you die later in the day. Them’s the breaks. personal crisis. Death doesn’t hit until
of the month. A found wagon points to Gemini (May 21-June 20): May is going September 30th: you’re a survivor. Kind
material gains. It may not be literally one to be hard for Aries, but it’s going to be of.
set of clothing, 42 bullets, and a wagon absolute shit for you. I’m really sorry. Hey,
tongue, but it is likely to be just as excit- I’m a Gemini, too. I’m not just doing this
ing. August is mostly quiet, until the end to be mean. In any case, there’s absolutely
when failure and success – a case of no way that exhaustion and a broken leg
typhoid and a good caulk-n-float across within the first ten days can be good. No
the Snake River – come one after the other. amount of wild fruit’s gonna fix that. My Continued on next page
80
ping the wagon every time is a bad sign.
Continued from previous page But if you think about it, there’s a glimmer
of hope. What are the odds that someone
would survive three consecutive wagon
flips? Sure, you take a beating, but you’re
not broken. It would probably be better to
avoid the beating itself entirely, but you
work with what you’ve got. Fate has some-
thing special planned for you, and I don’t
just mean death from dysentery on August
Libra (September 23-October 23): June
27th.
7th: Dysentery. June 10th: Death. Sorry.
You really didn’t make it far, did you? Fort
Laramie was only two days away.
Pisces (February 20-March 20): You’re

one of the more fortunate signs, thankfully.
Capricorn (December 23-January 20): A I’m sure that reading through all the tales
model of good health, you are. While those of tragedy above has scared you a bit. But
around you are struck down by cholera, don’t worry, Pisces. Yours is slightly less
measles, dysentery, and typhoid, you man- tragic. It starts off bad, though. Almost as
Scorpio (October 23-November 23):
age to make it through. Sure, there’s some soon as you hit the trail, thieves pilfer a
You are constantly beset by bad luck!
heavy fog here and there, and the oxen are good portion of your food. This shortage,
Misfortune strikes in the form of lost oxen
always asking for more grass, but at least alleviated by the help of friendly Indians,
and broken wagon wheels again and again.
you’ve got your health. Be wary of over- represents an experience that teaches you
This is no fault of your own, of course, and
confidence, though. As the early summer the value of accepting help and friendship
people will respect you for your ability to
wears on and you find that few troubles from others. Things settle down after that,
see this and not let it get you down. The
slow you down, you may begin to feel though. An uncommon proliferation of
first trouble finds you on May 18th. Three
untouchable. As Spider-Man has shown us, wild fruit in mid-June further replenishes
oxen lost! That’s a yoke and a half! A
disregard for possible trouble simply your food stocks – remember, we’re talk-
resupply at Fort Laramie (sorry, Libra)
because you’re doing well can lead to ing about personal growth with wild fruit.
puts things to rights. Your strength lies in
unfortunate consequences. In mid-July, Good stuff. Things stay easy until mid-
always remembering that no matter what
your good luck breaks when a thief steals August, when cholera strikes. This could
happens, there’s a metaphorical Fort com-
five oxen. Surely a bit more attentiveness foreshadow the end of your employment.
ing up, and things will get better. You’re a
could have prevented this? This is not just At least you don’t have long to worry
banker from Boston! Who’s going to keep
a physical loss - a reminder of your own about it. A broken leg is followed quickly
you down? Nobody. That attitude is hard to
mortality shatters the illusion you’ve built by death on August 19th.
maintain, as it seems there’s some obstacle
up, leaving you mentally adrift. And adrift
in your way (one ox injured, broken wagon
is not a good place to be. Especially on the Turns out Oregon Trail is sort of a
axle, lost trial, lose three days) just about
Snake River. A bad ford leads to your depressing game. My belief that choosing
every other week. But keep your chin up!
drowning in early September. to hunt, buy extra food, or stop to rest
You don’t die until September 27th. That’s
would interfere with the workings of des-
a good run, right?
tiny probably contributed to that. Look on
the bright side: death is often figurative in
fortune telling. Could be you’re just going
to have a bad hangover? Eh?
Fate has spoken!
Aquarius (January 21-February 19): Oh

Sagittarius (November 24-December
man, you don’t want to know. If at all pos-
22): My advice to you is this: avoid deci-
sible, avoid supermarkets.
sions at all costs. I’m going to be com-
pletely honest here. I have never seen
someone flip the ferry before. I didn’t
know it was possible. In any case, you fail
every river crossing. Ford, float, or ferry, it
doesn’t matter. You’re going down. This
seems negative, as river crossings repre-
sent important decisions. Obviously, flip-
81
Top 99 Campus Slogans 51.
52.
The Stony Brook Press—Wait, they’re a newspaper?
The Stony Brook Patriot—We only print in red, white, and blue!
53. The Stony Brook Patriot—Gays and minorities need not apply
By Joe Safdia and Irv Novoa
54. RSP—Mediocrity at its finest!
___________
55. RSP—We’d give half our best half the time if we gave half a damn
56. RSP—Protecting the campus from forks and pennies
1. Roosevelt Quad—Shady place for shady people
57. RSP—When pretty good is fantastic, OK is pretty good, poor is OK, and
2. H-Quad—Quad so boring, it didn’t even get a name!
not trying is perfect
3. Mendhelson Quad—More of the Greek alphabet than you’d ever want!
58. RSP—Moderately mediocre!
4. Chapin Apartments—Where the fuck are you?
59. RSP—So worthless you wouldn’t even know we were there!
5. Chapin Apartments—Where the fuck are we?
60. RSP—None of the responsibilities of being a cop with none of the perks!
6. Chapin Apartments—Still a myth to most seniors
61. RSP—Meh
7. Seawolves football team—Partying even after we lose because we don’t
62. Roth Dining—You can’t even see the cockroaches!
know what winning is like
63. SAC—Complete with two ballrooms right near the Wang Center. Wait a
8. Seawolves football team—What is this “winning” you speak of?
minute…
9. Seawolves football team—The worst sports record since Charlie Brown’s
64. Campus Dining—Half the taste at twice the price!
baseball team
65. Campus Dining—Making starvation seem like a nutritious alternative!
10. Seawolves football team—It’s a Charlie Brown Christmas everyday!
66. Campus Dining—Cannibalism is still an option
11. Seawolves football team—Where football careers go to die
67. The Stony Brook Press—Fair and balanced anti-Bush coverage
12. Kelly Quad—The New Jersey of Stony Brook
68. Stony Brook Administration—Canceling classes during a snowstorm to
13. Kelly Quad—Somewhere there’s an American Indian crying
save a few lives just isn’t worth the eff o r t
14. Kelly Quad—When wallowing in your own filth is the norm
69. Stony Brook Administration—We’ll plow the icy walkways when we’re
15. Roosevelt Quad—Rest in peace, Jimmy Hoff a
good and ready!
16. Roosevelt Quad—Makes fun of itself!
70. UPD—When skaters on an iced-over pond are a higher priority than West
17. Roosevelt Quad—Curfew is at 10:00. Violators will be shot
Apartment break-ins
18. Roosevelt Quad—Making commuting from Florida an appealing option
71. The Stony Brook Patriot—And you thought the Statesman was worthless!
19. Roosevelt Quad—If Eleanor knew, she wouldn’t have bothered
72. The Stony Brook Press—The only paper desperate enough to accept a list
20. Roosevelt Quad—Where special people are given a special place… to die
of Top 99 Campus Slogans!
21. Roosevelt Quad—The manifestation of all of Campus Residence’s fail-
73. The Stony Brook Statesman—Enough advertisements to turn you into a
ures
communist!
22. Tabler Quad—Built in a hole for a reason
74. Campus Dining—You can barely taste the gym mat in the soup!
23. S c h o m b e rg — Too small to make fun of
75. Taco Bell—For the diarrhea-lover in you!
24. West Apartments—Where the old people go… to die
76. H-Quad Dining—You’d think there was actual food at the end of those
25. West Apartments—Like cancer, it’s spreading!
long lines!
26. Stony Brook Administration—All the thrill of being raped without the
77. Campus Dining—Spray-on bacon and powdered eggs at a fantastic price!
risk of unwanted pregnancy!
78. Campus Dining—There’s a reason the meal plan is mandatory!
27. Campus Residences—(See above)
79. USB Delivery—Order when you’re not hungry and by the time its gets
28. Deng Lee’s—It takes 10 minutes to enter your system and 30 minutes to
there, you are hungry!
leave!
80. USB Delivery—The only pizzeria in the world that can run out of medi-
29. Deng Lee’s—Coming out of your body any way it can!
um plain pies but still have large pies with toppings!
30. Deng Lee’s—Chinese food just as Mexicans always imagined it
81. Roosevelt Quad—Singles for psychos
31. Roth Quad—When a cesspool is our only redeeming quality…
82. Kelly Quad—Balconies on the first floor for easy burglary access!
32. Roth Quad—We have a pond… kinda
83. Greek Life—You don’t even need us for this one…
33. Roth Pond—The primordial ooze that spawned Roosevelt
84. Greek Life—Individuality got you down?
34. Roth Pond—When you want to see your penis glow in the dark
85. RA’s—Assisting residents like Kevorkian assists quadriplegics!
35. Roth Pond—Where you can grow a third penis just in case the first two
86. Benedict burg e r s — A great alternative to meat!
d o n ’t work
87. Campus Dining—Did you want flavor with that?
36. Strawberryfest—What the fuck is this!!??
88. Greek Life—All the fun of waiting on someone hand and foot with none
37. I-CON—Mmm mmm, smell that nerd
of the paycheck!
38. I-CON—Where all the virgins over 40 can go
89. Stomping Ritual pledges—Giving the biggest social outcasts something to
39. Strawberryfest—Celebrating the invention of the strawberry!
make fun of between classes
40. Black Womyn’s Weekend—The dumbest on-campus event in Stony Brook
90. The Stony Brook Patriot—Did you want apple pie to go with your
herstory!
blowjob, Mr. Bush?
41. Spirit Night—Celebrating 100 years of Stony Brook pride, since 2004!
91. Lacrosse team—They told us mud wrestling wasn’t gay enough
42. Spirit Night—Because we know you’ve been waiting for this night to
92. RSP—Yes! We do Day Field now!
give a damn
93. Stony Brook Administration—Incest was involved somehow…
43. LEG—Apathy at its finest!
94. Stony Brook Hospital—Don’t worry. I’ll just die myself
44. LEG—The rough equivalent of a city block municipal
95. Stony Brook Hospital—Oh, you wanted us to amputate the other leg?
45. LEG—And you thought USG was worthless!
96. Jasmine—Holy shit, they sell food here!
46. USG—And you thought LEG was worthless!
97. SBUTV—Following the example of all other TV channels, there’s noth-
47. USG—Impeachment fun for the whole family!
ing on
48. USG—Proving the uselessness of student government since Polity proved
98. SBUTV—We really can’t make fun of it because no one has actually ever
the uselessness of student government!
watched it
49. The Stony Brook Press—Hippies on board
99. Greek Life—Branding? Yeah, that’s a great idea!
50. The Stony Brook Statesman—Wait, we’re a newspaper?
82
Word Search
By David K. Ginn
letsgobacktomyplaceandwellmakearatpornoletsgobacktomyplaceandwellmakearatpornoletsgoback-
tomyplaceandwellmakearatpornoletsgobacktomyplaceandwellmakearatpornoletsgobacktomyplace-
andwellmakearatpornoletsgobacktomyplaceandwellmakearatpornoletsgobacktomyplaceandwell-
makearatpornoletsgobacktomyplaceandwellmakearatpornoletsgobacktomyplaceandwellmakearat-
pornoletsgobacktomyplaceandwellmakearatpornoletsgobacktomyplaceandwellmakearatpornolets-
gobacktomyplaceandwellmakearatpornoletsgobacktomyplaceandwellmakearatpornoletsgobacktomy-
placeandwellmakearatpornoletsgobacktomyplaceandwellmakearatpornoletsgobacktomyplace-
andwellmakearatpornoletsgobacktomyplaceandwellmakearatpornoletsgobacktomyplaceandwell-
makearatpornoletsgobacktomyplaceandwellmakearatpornoletsgobacktomyplaceandwellmakearat-
pornoletsgobacktomyplaceandwellmakearatpornoletsgobacktomyplaceandwellmakearatpornolets-
gobacktomyplaceandwellmakearatpornoletsgobacktomyplaceandwellmakearatpornoletsgobacktomy-
placeandwellmakearatpornoletsgobacktomyplaceandwellmakearatporno
Words: my a
lets place rat
go and porno
back well
to make
Point/Counter-Point chessboard to a checkerboard is like com-

With Justin Meltzer and James Are you colorblind, you fool? Checkers Moves back to Justin paring oranges to oranges (or apples to
Laudano pieces come in TWO colors only. RED YES apples, whatever you prefer). Get it right!
___________ and BLACK! They generally come in
only ONE shape. CIRCLES! Whereas, Are you retarded? The boards are the Back to James
Should a checkerboard be the same chess pieces are a bit more diverse. They exact same thing. 64 squares, period. It MAYBE!
color as a chess board? can come in many different shapes, mate- doesn’t matter what game you play on it
Okay, perhaps that was a valid point. I
Starts with Justin seem to be running out of arguments and
YES it’s only my second turn. Well, I’ll do
what most great debaters do when they are
A checkerboard and a chessboard are faced with infallible logic… I will begin
and always should be one and the same. to get nasty. JUSTIN! YOU ARE A
As children, the first game of the two that DAMNED IDIOT! I’D LIKE TO SEE
we are taught is checkers. As we become YOU PLAY CHECKERS OR CHESS OR
older and wiser, we graduate to the more WHATEVER THE FUCK AFTER I
difficult game of chess. Notice how we BASH YOUR FACE IN WITH THE
play both games on the same board. If we BOARD! IT WON’T MATTER WHAT
were to use different boards it would con- COLOR THE BOARD IS BECAUSE IT
fuse and agitate youngsters who can’t yet WILL BE COVERED WITH RED
fully differentiate between the two games, BLOOD! Back to you, Justin.
as well as old men who come to the park
and can’t yet decide which game they Concluding Statement by Justin
want to play. If we made separate boards
not only would we have to pay twice the Checkmate, bitch. King me.
amount for playing each game but we
would also have to know which board is Concluding Statement by James
which, and frankly I just don’t have the
time for that. Do the right thing and keep rials, and colors. Therefore, a CHECK- because they both work for the same rea- Fuck you.
chessboards and checkerboards the same. ERS board needs to convey the same unison. If you were to compare a
formity that the pieces do. It CANNOT be chess/checkerboard (they are the same And the winner is: Both Justin AND
Moves on to James brown and/or white. Chessboards afford thing) to, say, a backgammon board then James because they were able to trick you
NO the players a bit more wiggle room. you have an argument, but to compare a into reading this stupid shit!
83
The Pizza Company by Jonathan Singer
???? ?? ??????? ?? ????????.

“We were married by a Reform rabbi in Long Island. A very Reform rabbi. A Nazi.”- Woody Allen
84
85
86
Joe Donato
87
88
Seawolves Sports
With Chef Heath
Get Involved!
www.whereisyourgodnow.com
89
90 www.thestonybrookpress.com
91
We Love You James.
Congratulations on
Graduating.
The Stony Brook Press
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SH Writer’s Conference: The Beach SB

Makes Writers Like Each Other Combats

If You are Thinking of Reading This

Can You Hear It Now ?

Wanna Know Where You Can Stick Your

by The Stony Brook Press, a student run non-profit

organization funded by the Student Activity Fee.

policy. For more information on advertising and dead-

lines call (631)632-6451.

To The Undergraduate Students of Stony Brook University,

Spitzer Pushes NY Gay

This past Wednesday, April 25th, the

Meal Plan Informational: Conclusions

Rally Against the Supreme Court Ruling

I you say in it? How do you start to tell

T mental organization with headquar-

Photos by : Jamie Freiermuth

i loved this cloud, now gone

It all started back in the summer years ago

By Wally #234 Every day’s forgotten

I lie awake on this night so cold,

In other words, I’m a bullshit artist

He was always good like that.

Yesterday I Decided to Stop Designing Amusement Old smelly shoes

pirate. In this dream five of us pirates would knock Hundreds of women,

By Sadie Feathers A break from the phony and the fake

Decembre 28, 2006

-Vincent Michael Festa.

Alex H. Alex H. Nagler can’t help but smile at

Alex H. Nagler hates this student gov -

Alex H. Nagler enjoys writing these

Alex H. Nagler is Frosty the Snowman.

One Can Help to

Fix the Problem

Nothing Cremains but a Violent Urge to Kill Myself By Joe Donato

problem, I don’t really remember. I Butterflies are life. Butterflies are

Reviewing ‘Cause I Was In It

Hot Road Circuit – The Underground is a Dying Breed

Fear of a Blank Planet — Porcupine Tree

Pisces (February 20-March 20): You’re

Aquarius (January 21-February 19): Oh

Point/Counter-Point chessboard to a checkerboard is like com-

???? ?? ??????? ?? ????????.

With Chef Heath

The Stony Brook Press

death egg zone

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