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For Forced Entertainments Marathon Lexicon

First performed Kulturhaus Mousunturm, Frankfurt, 2003.

Simon Bayly
s.bayly@roehampton.ac.uk


ZERO

[Text played back to performer via recording on CD/cassette Walkman, performer out from behind any
table or chair, right at the front, grandstanding a little, its nearly the end after all.]

I am zero.

Zero is not just a number. It also means something elselike failure ortotal uselessness: she
made no baskets, or, he made zero baskets -- meaning he failed to scorein basketball. Or he
gave zero assistance, showed zero tolerance, demonstrated zero respect.

Zero is often used in the description of an undesirable individual. It is not uncommon these days
to hear, on dating scene, the phrase "get rid of the 'zero' and get yourself a hero".

I am zero - the quantity of nothing. Take a look [look up to audience for a bit].

I could have been nothing all on its own, a numberless nothing. That choice was not offered to
me. I was looking to forward to being nothing. I put in my bid, but nothing was already taken
[vacant half-gesture of pointing out the nothing speaker]. Nothing comes before zero and some
interesting stuff was said about nothing. In fact there was a lot of interesting stuff before this,
which leaves nothing or not much to really say about zero. Roughly zero.

So I am zero. It feelsit feels all right, not too serious. Better than zygote or zebra or zabaglione.
Or zeitgeist.
So, whats left to say? [uneasy pause] Is zero a number? Consider the following scene:
[Other performers to do Ernie and Bert?]
Ernie: I've put a number of biscuits in that Jar. You can have them if you give me your teddy.
Bert: Great.
Bert hands over the teddy and looks eagerly in the jar.
Bert: Wait a Minute. There's No Biscuits Here. You Said You Put a Number of Biscuits in
There.
Ernie: That's right, zero is a number.
[sensing possibility of being upstaged by Ernie and Bert]


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[Reading] Clearly some sort of an avoidance mechanism is in operation. The name itself invokes
a kind of anxiety perhaps associated with "nothingness", a kind of emptiness which humankind
finds uncomfortable and prefers to avoid confronting. As with all such anxiety- provoking ideas,
some other imagery is substituted which provides a veneer to mask the disquieting emotional
undertones of the discomforting idea. Zero represents the amount of nothing.

Its quite late. Has this finished yet? Does anyone have a watch? You are anticipating that this is
the ending. We already had some interesting stuff about the end, hours and hours ago, way before
the end. Normally, I like endings which reveal too much, far too much. But this time, everything
that could have happened seems to have already happened.

Are you tired? I feel okaya bit shitty actually. Id rather not talk any more, but there you go.
This is theatre, so there has to be some talking, otherwise it would bewell it would
bedance?.mimeor what? This is theatre, isnt it?

I should be under my duvet back in 1973 waiting for all the numbers on my red LED digital
watch change - to zero. Did you ever do that? Stare at a digital watch, watching the numbers
change from one into another, change from two three five nine to zero. All the zeros. And then
starting all over again. I dont have a digital watch any more. Does anyone have one? I dont meet
people with digital watches. Some train stations have them still, digital but still mechanical, not
just LEDs, you can hear the numbers clicking over like they dont care about anything. The
sound of the numbers clicking over. As I was listening to that somewhere, once I heard the pre-
recorded announcement about the late night train that wasnt coming. It stuttered not the
voice of the announcer, but the message itself, hiccupping, swallowing, swallowing and re-
swallowing itself. But Im rambling. Sorry about that. Lets get back to zero.

Why dont I read to youto pass the time. A lot of time has passed todayyesterday. In case
youre wondering, this - what I am doing now - is not actually reading more like
ventriloquismthere was a lot of interesting stuff about ventriloquism before, very sophisticated,
yes, very high level ideaswere you here? Maybe you missed it. Well it was good stuff and very
well spoken, yes, very well read should I say. Rather well read. Wather well wed. Can you see my
lips moving? Can you? Thats because my technique is very good. No one can do this better than
me. No one. Theres a lot of talent locked up in my body. Yes there is, there is and there is a
whole lot more to it than reading aloud. A WHOLE LOT more.

All that other stuff - oh yeah and there was really a lot of VERY interesting stuff about technique
and I should know about that all that stuff theres been about nerves and children and rhetoric
and fucking and failure and piss and torture and video and breathing and climax, all that was said
or read, well you know that, it all adds up to zero. [Pause] Yes it does. And I am zero. Here I am.
I am really doing this. And - guess what - zero comes last! Did you figure that out? Well done,
well done. . Thats right, theres nothing after this! Its all planned out. Weve already had
nothing and the end, as well as all that other shtick. This is it. I am going to have the last word. I
am performance degree zero. Pure 100% zero performance, performance OF zero. No one will
speak after me, no one will come on, the lights will go off forever and the curtain will come down
for the last time. FOR EVER. When I walk out of here, its all over. This place is going down.
No more theatre! No more getting up and down, up and down, moving about, no more
important-looking running around, going on, going off, no more jumping, no more bodies
colliding, no more revealing lycra outfits, no more animal costumes, no more props, no more

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waving around pretend guns like anyone gives a shit. Its about time, isnt it? Isnt it? No more
collecting pre-paid tickets purchased by credit card, no more publicity, no more maudlin talking
into microphones, no more rehearsed movement sections, no more symbolic visual effects, no
more smoochy-coochy singing, no more stupid, stupid drippy atmospheric music, no more long
and boring boring speeches, no more crappy coloured lights going on and off, no more clever
changes of scene, no more greatest shows in the world by Robert Lepage, in fact no more shows
at all by anyone, no more multimedia anything, no more staged talking or reading or criticism or
entertainmentand no more dancing either, no more shameless bodies paraded across the
proscenium, no more waiting in the wings, no more overpriced interval drinks, no more please
switch off your mobile phones and do not film or photograph the performance. Film away! Take
a shot! Photograph me, why dont you? No more evil organic ice-creams served by good-looking
young people in black T-shirts, no more representing anything, no more making it relevant, no
more corporate sponsors, no more crises, no more witty remarks, no more sound effects, no more
ranting on and on and on and on, and no more seats, the rows and rows of seats, the rowsno
more audience laughing, no more coughing, sneezing, spitting, retching, thinking, clappingno
more acting of course of course, no more acting which means no more actors, no more
programmes with pictures of the actors and a list of all the stuff theyve ever done in all the awful
rubbish plays theyve ever done in all the rubbish theatres in the rubbish towns that theres ever
been.

Ok, thats about covered it. I think we all recognize and understand these feelingsor are they
ideas? Anyway, its all fairly familiar stuff. Yup, I think Ill stop therethe tone was okay, feels
about right. Give it a rest. Pour me a glass of water please. Anyone got the time? Is it past
midnight? Anyway, theres no time, so... OK, lets wind down now, relax, justjust go with it.
Ill read to you:

Arithmetick (a Greek word) is a Science teaching the Manner and Use of Numbering. This
science may be wrought diversely, with pen or with counters, and finally the use of computer age
in solving large-scale problems by means of distributed, multithreaded, and parallel algorithms.
There are many amusing things in the universe, but the human mind is the most amusing of all.
Before the advent of a fairly general writing ability the finger numbers were widely used as a
universal numerical language. The numbers were indicated by means of different positions of
fingers and hands. In a rudimentary way we still occasionally express numbers by our fingers.
Neither the spoken numbers nor the finger numbers have any permanency. To preserve
numbers for the purpose of records it is necessary to have other representations. Furthermore,
without some memory aids the performance of calculation is extremely difficult.
The use of a positional system with a zero seems to have made its appearance in India in the
period A.D. 600- 800. Around A.D. 800 the system was known among the Muslims in Baghdad
and it gradually superseded the older type Arabic numerals. One of the greatest Muslim
mathematicians of this time was Mohammed ibn Musa al-Khowarizmi, whose work, Al-Jabr wal-
Mqabalah contributed much to the spread of calculations with the new system, first in the
Muslim world and later in Europe.

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The concept of number is the obvious distinction between the beast and man. Thanks to
number, the cry becomes a song, noise acquires rhythm, the spring is transformed into a dance,
force becomes dynamic and outlines figures.

[Theatre seems to have re-appearedLook up from text in desperation]
It is difficult to explain zero to people. Even teachers.
Zero is the only digit which cannot stand alone. It is a lonely number, lonelier than one. It
requires some sort of companion to give meaning to its life. It can go on the left. On the right.
Or both ways. Or in the middle as part of a threesome. Witness "01", "10", or "102". Even
"1000" [write these on the blackboard??] A relationship with other numbers gives it meaning. It is a
dependent number. By itself it is nothing.

In scoring for tennis, zero is called love. Because zero looks like an egg, the French called it
"l'oeuf". Which is French for "egg." Love: loeuf?

Zero is the only digit which cannot stand alone. It is a lonely number, lonelier than one. It
requires some sort of companion to give meaning to its life. A relationship with other numbers
gives it meaning.

Zero is the only digit which cannot stand alone.