how to lose weight by being lazier than you are hungry

1
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The baseball bat was on top of the many different colored boxes. Each box looked pretty stupid to me. I
dont know why but I hate boxes. Fuck boxes I said to myself.
Would you believe that I hate boxes? Why not? I hate boxes. Are there nothing to hate about boxes?
Well baseball is stupid, I know baseball is fucking boring and stupid.
So like I said, there were these colored boxes on top of this baseball bat. No wait. Check that. There is all
these boxes. This much we know. We know about the boxes. But then on top of the boxes there is a
baseball bat.
Oh man, hows that for a plot that really grabs you. Imagining all those boxes you are I bet. Oh yeah All
those colored boxes. Heck yeah you are.
And on top of them yu know what is there
I dont even need to tell you.
So I was walking down the street with a pygmy on a leash that I got from Petco, dont worry, it wasnt
racist or non-consensual okay? So this pygmy was on a leash and then all the suden bam,. Colored boxes
everywhere. I have no idea what happened.
Pygmy was also how they self-identified, before you get any ideas okay? Im not calling them a pygmy
like an old hunter or something calls a short tribes person a pygmy, this person preferred to be called a
pygmy. Now this pygmy you see, this pygmy was fucking mad.
This pygmy was bonkers the way it looked at all the colored boxes. It was so confused by the colored
boxes that it didnt know what to do. Luckily I was there, I knew what to do.
I took out of my wallet a fishing rod and suddenly began luring all the colored boxes with a bright blue
lure that I had. Yes I thought, now this was a clever idea. Suddenly the boxes all began streaming
towards me and this pygmy was going absolutely bonkers as usual just jumping up and down and
smiling, choking on their own spittle. When the pygmy coughed I knew it was inevitable from its
absolutely insane mannerisms.
All the sudden I had this amazing looking colored boxed fishing lure. Now what. Now what was the plan?
I had everything on this fishing rod and the pygmy was still going crazy so now what?
Well, wouldnt you know it, there was a gigantic star shaped bus driving by. It had five wheels and it
looked like shit. What an ugly bus I thought. I could tell the pygmy thought it wasnt an ugly bus but the
pygmy was fucking stupid, choking on its spittle uncontrollably.
It was at that moment I realized that I had been pulling on its leash and that it was choking to death.
Not liking to speak English, as the pygmy identified as a non-english speaker although the pygmys
original language had in fact been English, but that was not how the pygmy wanted to live life. Thats
not the point though. The point is that five-wheeled buses are ugly.

At this point I was mad with the rage of all my senses being pummelled by thiss monstrosity of a bus. I
had already gotten out my palm pilot to text a message to the head of the la times editorial pages when
I noticed that the pygmy had stopped breathing entirely at this point. It was lying on the ground bright
blue, I had killed it.
I went over to the pygmy and gave it a swift kick across the face which I thought might wake it up, but
instead I just snapped the neck, and suddenly the pygmys skin was just barely hanging on, it was th only
thing connecting the pygmys head to its body.
just kidding the pygmy said.
Wow, the pygmy had really gotten me this time. Normally I was used to its tricks and shenanigans but
this time I was completely un prepared for its silliness.
How did you make your head come off without dyuing I asked the pygmy.
The pygmy began to tell me it was because it went to college and learned about how to use proper
pronouns for people by asking them what their pronouns should be. I thought this was kind of
interesting.

2
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If you had seen fifteen sharks yourself than you would know what I was talking about. Then I would
know what I was talking about. Unfortunately, nobody knew a thing about what the next person was
talking about

This was the root of the chaos

Once again, everyone was gripped by the madness.
A duck read outloud about something which I did not know existed. It quacked like a very silly silly duck
in between chapters, this amused the audience who didnt care to much for the written text.
I myself enjoyed the quacking as well as the written text . I thought the duck had some interesting things
to say about politics although I kind of think that sort of thing is pointless because well no one gives a
shit about what you think.
That may sound harsh but it is very true. Pkay its not true. But I dont give a shit.
Anyway this duck was extremely cute. It had these yellow feathers that I thought looked really good on
it. Wow, thats a nice duck I thought to myself. I could tell that other people in the audience were
thinking the same thing. It was quite a fowl. It had just the right amount of fluff on it to make it look
extra cute.
I looked at some of the audience members. This disgusting lady, now, she was good looking enough, but
she was sizing up this duck like she was just ready to pet it when it was I who should have been petting
the duck, well anyway, she was looking at the duck and I could tell what was on her mind.

She was going to take a picture of it and put it on Instagram.
Well fuck if I just let that happened. Naturally, I rushed the stage. The ducks security guards all came
down on me at once.
You dont understand this duck is being exploited for its cuteness and I have the power to stop the
madness. I fel a swift kick to my rib and I winced over in pain.
Suddenly it stopped and I saw it, the duck was over me and it was looking down at me. It quacked at the
guards and stuck out its ffeathered hand to pull me up.
What a duck this was, I reached up to grab his feathered hand when suddenly I realized how much
heavier I was than this duck. I put all my weight on the duck and the duck fell right down on my chest.
We were laughing uncontrollably and someone started yelling at me.

3
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I ate a banana chip. So naturally I had to write it down in my diaryh. I opened up the beautiful rose
colored book with the maroon pages. Taking out my felt pen that was shaped like a quill I wrote in my
diary dear diary, have you ever had a banana chip?
I went onto facebookk immediately to tell all my friends about this. Banana chips huh I said, what a
world! I kept looking to see if anyone liked it but no one liked it.
FUCKING INGRATES I would have said if I was not so pretty.
I opened back up my amazingly beautiful rose colored diary and began drawing a pony. This pony was a
very pretty pony and it had long cool hair that shimmered in the sunlight. My dad would have gotten me
a pony if I asked for a pony but I didnt ask for a pony. But he TOTALLY would have gotten me one.
Anyway I was looking at smy super cool pen when I realized something, I needed a really cool diary table
to write on my diary on. When I realized I didnt have this I ran down my stairs.
DAD
He looked up at me smoking his corn cob lightbulb pipe.
What is it sweety? he said as he inhaled the battery acid smelling smoke.
IF I WANTED Asorry, if I wanted a pony, would you get me a pony?
He began coughing and spitting up black bile and he dropped his lightbulb. Luckily I had a lot of
methamphetamine in my room as well and plenty of extra lightbulbs so I went to grab one.
Here you go! Hehehe I said as I handed daddy a lightbulb an eighth of an ounce of pure crystal meth.
If I wanted a pony?
OF COURSE ID GET YOU A PONY he said as he packed the really primo looking ice into the lightbulb.
Baby wants a PONy/ SHE SGETS A PONY he said.
I ran back up to my room and opened the very velvety pages of my rose diary.
I have the best dad in the world! He said hed get me a pony!
Just then, someone liked my facebook status about banana chips. I was soooo happy!

4
Satan is really cool. I would like to be satan, the I could do whatever I wanted.
If I was satan I think I would destroy everything.

5

Absolutely amazing the way that the rooftop looked. It had sop many tiles that it was making me so
happy. I couldnt believe it so I had to climb onto the roof myself to make sure the tiles were not just an
obstacle illusion. They were Mexican tiles, this fact made me even more happy.
AUTHENTIC
Wow, what a great roof.

I climbed down off my neighbors roof into his back yard and looked into his window. He was cooking
pancakes with his kids.
I banged on his window and yelled howdy neighbor!
He looked back at me and waved slowly.
My neighbor is so cool! I thought. We are like best friends.
I decided that it wdas really hot out so I took all of my clothes off and went for a swim. The water was
really refreshing, I decided it was because so much money had been spent on the pooll. Luckily the
diving board had ladder that went up from the pool itself so I didnt have to waste time getting out and
climbing up all sorts of stairs and putting my feet on concrete although wet concrete smells really great.
By this time a pitbull wasrunning at me to play with me. I jumped as high as I could into the pool and
made a really big splash!
The dog barked at me really nicely. For a pitbull bark, it was rea;lly authentic and loud.
I like a facebook page about pitbulls and they say that pitbulls are really friendly so I knew this was also a
very friendly dog.
I got out of the pool and the pitbull barked and jumped up hitting me in the chest with its paws and I
flew into the pool.
I got back out and found a dog toy and we started playing tug of war with the rope. Stupid daog I heard
my neighbor say.
I marched tright over there.
Dont call this dog stupid I said, this dog is a very smart dog and if I had an awesome dog like this I would
walk it everyday and appreciate how amazing this dog is.
Why dont you get one? my neighbor asked.
Well, its a lot of work I said, and I like to do stuff and OI dont think it would be okay to leave a pitbull in
my backyard when I went out to do stuff.
Oh, no its okay, they love the houses, people say that you shouldnt get a pet because they go crazy
uin the houses but the alternative is getting locked up in a pound so the best you can do for an animal is
adopt it.
I heard the sirens and saw all these police officers get out of their car with guns but then my neighbor
yelled over at them, no its cool, its cool now. All the police officers started laughing and I was
laughing and my neighbor was laughing as well.
Well, we should get going said the police officers.
Yeah, maybe you should I thought.
I yelled sick em to the dog but the dog wasnt listening to me.