Anterograde

tomorrow

Genre: romance, tragedy, angst

Summary: Kyungsoo is stuck in the hours while Jongin begs the
seconds, because time stops for someone who can't remember
and runs from someone who can't miss the last train home.
Characters:
Do Kyungsoo
Kim Jongin
Prologue: Daisies
Sunlight drifts into Kyungsoos dream, refracts into something cool and salty and
maybe inoling heels digging into the soft oerla! between ocean and beach" #e
turns and the wet sand transforms into cold linens"
$hen he o!ens his eyes the coc%tail of seagull wings and shades of blue is re!laced by
a ceiling, meters too low, a small window at the end of a narrow bedroom, and
!eeling wood floorboards under worn rugs" &ts his room, albeit not e'actly the same
as it were yesterday, because there are green stic%y notes !asted oer eery inch of
eery wall that he cant recall haing !laced" Second s%in of colored te'ts and
diagrams, numbers and dates" A bree(e lifts the curtains and ruffles the notes, !lays a
melody in the tune of dri((led !a!er a!!lause"
)he sight is unfamiliar but not strange, li%e something that must hae ha!!ened once
before and sli!!ed through his memory" *aybe there has been a day between today
and yesterday" *aybe there has been more than a day" Somehow he doesnt hae to
read the notes to %now that they will e'!lain how many days has !assed, and what
hes meant to do today"
+ut the little s!ec%s of yellow notes amongst the green, some on the floor and walls
and table and one on the !illow ne't to his, stri%e him most" )he handwriting is
different" )here are no dates" Just words"
Kyungsoo !ro!s himself u! slowly, habitually reaching to clas! the night table as he
slides out of bed" ,ug fu((y under bare toes, scent of si' ocloc% coffee brewing in the
caf- downstairs gentle on the !alate" #e !ic%s u! the yellow stic%y on his !illow and
reads it, .Your name is Do Kyungsoo. You have short-term memory loss,
antesomething amnesia, so you wont remember what happened last night. But let
me help you out"/
And the one on the !illow neighboring, .Last night I put my head on this pillow and
my arms around your waist. My names Kim ongin. I !all you hyung. Yesterday
you loved me. "oday youll love me again./
#e ta%es a ste! bac%, eyes wide and mouth crac%ed o!en" #is heel crunches on
another" ."his is where you undressed me"/
#"his is where I undressed you,$ is !osted on the wall, right on to! of a green note
that says 0Mi%ins no longer serves ri!e !a&es'()*()*+((,"
A few inches beside another one says, .-nd here I pushed you up against the wall
and &issed you really hard .appro/imately, it was &ind o0 dar&1 and we thought we
should have se/"/
1er the table is !osted, .2ere you sat, dangling your legs. I put my palm on your
&nee!ap and you bent 0orward and &issed me 0irst./
+y the treasure chest at the end of his bed: .3e tal&ed about ballet. You hummed a
tune and my 0ingers did an arabres4ue here .be!ause your !eiling is too low and Id
rather not hit my head, o&ay1 here, grand %et5 onto the 0loor, 0ouett5 en tourant and
then sissonne on the ba!& o0 your hand. 6as de valse 0ast up your arm and you
smiled"/
At the bac% of his bedroom door: .I leaned on this and read your green sti!&y notes
while you went around !leaning up invisible messes. It !ame to me that all the green
loo&s li&e grass, and grass is boring without daisies. 7o I hope you li&e yellow8/
And as he o!ens the door, one smac%s him on the forehead: .-nd heres Kim ongin.
7ay hello to me8/
Kyungsoo loo%s u!, ga(e flic%ing uncertainly u! the contours of shar! collarbones,
tanned flesh, defined 2aws" 1ne millimeter at a time" )he urge to slam the door and
call the !olice because there is a stranger in his apartment and this stranger has
written him un4uestionably !reepy notes hits him in the face"
)hic% !ulse and di((iness ma%e his head light and stomach turn" #e really cant feel
his fingers, or %nees for that matter" +ut eerything settles down again3almost as if it
were always meant to3when his eyes gra(e a dumb grin and a !air of glittering eyes"
.#i, hyung,/ Jongin says, the corners of his li!s falling, though features still soft" #is
oice is new, certainly, and Kyungsoo cant recall !recisely when hes heard it before3
if eer"
Still, its almost too natural to re%indle Jongins smile with a tiny .#ello,/ and
somehow the syllables are !erfect on his tongue, !erha!s because hes said it a
thousand times already" Perha!s because theyre meant to be"
Part one: 4ost and stuc%
Kyungsoo has a scra!boo% of faces and dates" Polaroid collage with little sentences
inscribed underneath" )his is 5itao, new Chinese waiter doing $ednesday night shifts
67 June 89:9;< here is =ifan, model re>uesting ,ha!sody in +lue with a dry whis%ey
eery Sunday 6:? December 899?;< +ae%hyun there, but he moed out 67 July 899@;"
&ts a syno!sis of Do Kyungsoo: neighbors, ac>uaintances, old friends, new strangers,
!resented with military !recision"
Aear the end is a sna!shot of a hunched figure, leaning on a bric% wall, with one %nee
bent and the other !ro!!ing his entire weight" A cigarette rests idly between long,
thin fingers" *onochromatic grey ghosts along his countenance" $hite smo%e twirls
from the ends of his li!s, diffusing through hair and dri((led rain into a strange sense
of solitude"
)wo words are scratched underneath" B9eighbor, smo&ing#.
CC
)he news!a!er is dated :8 July 89:8" +ut more than the fact that Kyungsoo can swear
it was only 8D Aoember 899@ yesterday, his shirt ta%es u! a good >uarter the front
!age !hoto" #is faorite shirt" )he one that hed gotten for being em!loyee of the
wee%, with a lo!sided, handCsewn Pororo logo, right u! in all of its magnified glory on
the coer story"
#astily scanning oer the headlines of 0massive disorder in downtown 7eoul !aused
by raining money, Kyungsoo focuses bac% on the !icture" &ts certainly his shirt, the
one that hes wearing right now and has rolled out of bed in twenty minutes ago, in
fact" *ore !recisely, the one that he cant remember wearing to any e'!ensie
!enthouse, which a!!arently the !icture was ta%en in"
According to the article, .:steemed novelist Kim ongin has %ust been bailed out 0or
destru!tion o0 publi! order, a0ter literally blowing a storm o0 hundred-thousand
won bills out the window o0 his 7eoul penthouse with an unnamed a!!ompli!e.
;alling it a <billion-won !on0etti display, he has !aused the largest tra00i! %am in
7eoul history, e00e!tively blo!&ing o00 streets within a two-&ilometer distan!e as !ity
residents rushed to !olle!t the money"/
+ut according to Kyungsoo, as he shoes the news!a!er under *inseo%s nose,
.Aational Post is !ulling really elaborate !ran%s these days3but where did they find
my shirtE/
*inseo% frowns hard at the article, and really hard at Kyungsoo, and then towards
the other end of the bar" Kyungsoo is too busy reCreading the article and doubleC
chec%ing his shirt to notice it, or the fact that there is someone e'ce!tionally wellC
dressed seated at the end *inseo%s wideCeyed stare, someone hiding an amused turn
of the li!s behind a glass of whis%ey"
CC
)hey meet for the first time, Kyungsoo thin%s, in the a!artment eleator" &ts early
Friday morning, :G
th
of July, an hour when the world runs on uncertain lam!lights,
drun%en howls, and the occasional !unch of laughter" )here are 2ust the two of them
at this hour, and an obtrusie %ind of silence"
#aing 2ust returned from the bar, Kyungsoo tries to fight off the coc%tail of metallic
smo%e and the thic% scent of alcohol caught in his hair" )he last ringlets of sa'o!hone
nestle oer his fingers and cin>uillo beat lingers under his s%in, but none of it is
enough to fill the abyss that stands between him and the stranger"
)he stranger, with an unlit cigarette between his teeth, turns first" )he unflattering
eleator lighting enshrouds him in 2aundice yellow and a heay eil of lethargy"
Kyungsoo wonders, with the cin>uillo !ounding into his eins, if the mans s%in is as
!lastic as it seems"
.#ot" )he weather" &ts hot,/ he says, !roffering a hand that Kyungsoo grabs with
hesitation" #is gras! is sur!risingly cold, long fingers and nails cut short and shar!,
leathery s%in stretched taut oer gaunt %nuc%les"
.Hm,/ Kyungsoo bal%s, as soon as he catches the stranger staring holes into his face"
)he handsha%e suddenly feels more of a deliberate 2udgment than an abru!t greeting"
*ore frightening than tense and more awful than aw%ward"
+etween the crea%s of the eleator flooring and s!utters of the fluorescent light bulb,
Kyungsoos oice comes out as a s>uea% two !itches higher than its su!!osed to be,
.=eah" #ot tonight"/
)he stranger says nothing" &nstead he leans bac% on the eleator walls and stares,
eyes flic%ering u! and down the length of Kyungsoos figure" &ts the %ind of stare that
ma%es Kyungsoo draw bac% behind his 2ac%et, though a thin layer of cashmere does
little to hide him from the others glaring fi'ation" )ime stands on its toes until the
doors o!en, when Kyungsoo lets out a gas! of air he didnt %now he was holding in"
1nly later, after Kyungsoo has wor%ed his way down the a!artment corridors and
noted that the stranger has trailed after him, does he reali(e that its !robably not the
first time theye met"
.Do & %now you from somewhereE/ #e finally as%s, oice echoing uneasily down the
long hallways" )he stranger has sto!!ed at the neighboring door, twirling a %eychain
around his forefinger" A slier of moonlight wor%s in from the railings and gleams off
of something on his suit" Kyungsoo notes a !air of cufflin%s, shiny and e'!ensieC
loo%ing, too e'!ensieCloo%ing to belong to someone who would lie in this %ind of
residence"
.Do youE/ )he strangers li!s wor% into a slow smir%"
Kyungsoo !ic%s the lint in his !oc%et" #e doesnt remember coming u!on the
strangers face while reiewing the memory boo% earlier" +ut !erha!s he s%i!!ed a
!age" &ts ha!!ened before" #e hurriedly reaches for his bag, and is sto!!ed with a
bar% of laughter, .So you werent %idding about the amnesia"/
.$hatE/
.&nteresting" Cool" ,eally" $hats the last thing you remember doingE/ )he stranger
interru!ts, in no a!!arent hurry as he slum!s against his door and regards the way
Kyungsoo is fumbling with the loc%"
Ien in the dar%, the twin%le of sadistic amusement gleaming from his grin is
distinct" &t ma%es him loo% older than he seems, almost sadly so"
Kyungsoo thin%s so hard he forgets to answer, and by the time he turns around again,
the stranger has gone"
CC
)hey meet again for the first time in the staircase" )he sun is brea%ing into a *onday"
A gust of summer blows away the last rays of moonlight" Kyungsoo rushes down for
his 2ob at the factory and the man with an unlit cigarette between his li!s wor%s his
way u!" )heir ga(es collide, and maybe their shoulders gra(e, and thats enough for
Kyungsoo to free(e midCste!"
+ut the man doesnt s!are a second to ac%nowledge Kyungsoos flabbergasted stare"
#e sim!ly %ee!s climbing, whee(ing and !anting, face !ale and beaded with
!ers!iration" Kyungsoo watches his legs >uier and wobble with each ste!, as if
theyre no longer strong enough to su!!ort the inisible, enormous weight on his
shoulders" As if he would >ua%e and to!!le oer with the smallest tic%le of a bree(e"
&ts almost breathta%ing how bro%en his bac% loo%s from this angle, all fabrics caing
oer blades of bones, shar! angles and emaciated lines" #alf a thought !asses about
maybe ta%ing a !hoto of this man, but Kyungsoo doesnt %now what he would label
that !hoto, and !lus hes late for wor%, so he runs on"
For Kyungsoo, summers in suburban Seoul are made of me((o oices threading dee!
into midnight, cardboard bo'es of leftoer toys dragging across rubber coneyor
belts, red bean slush and wrin%led news!a!ers under soft %isses of dus%" )here are
more entries in his scra!boo%s now" #is life is surging with columns of blac% notes<
5itao and =ifan are now more than friends, *inseo% has found a new tune< there is a
stranger liing in the acated a!artment to the left, and they might hae s!o%en
before"
CC
)hey meet for the last of first times when Kyungsoo swings o!en his door and comes
face to face with enormous, dilated !u!ils"
.#i,/ the man grins, cigarette bobbing lim!ly from the corner of his mouth, .*y
name is Jongin" &m a writer" Aoelist" & moed in ne't door a wee% ago" For the sa%e
of ins!iration, artistry, discoering !oerty, aoiding the !ress mob at my usual !lace,
so on" )he !oint is: wee tal%ed before" )wice"/
.1h,/ Kyungsoo immediately falls bac% on his usual res!onse, .Sorry3& hae
anterograde amnesia so3/
.=ou dont remember me" & %now" =ou forget eerything by the end of each day so you
wont remember me by tomorrow"/
Jongin ste!s bac%, nurses a flame from his (i!!o onto his 2oint, ta%es a dee! drag, and
lets the smo%e gush iscous and white from his teeth, .Anyways" 4isten" & need to get
a manuscri!t into my editor31h Sehun3if you %new him youd %now how much of a
fuc%ing douche he is, but the !oint is: if & dont get in something in a month hes
going to nag li%e a bona fide bitch3and, to be fran%, &m out of ideas" +ut not really" &
hae an idea" And the idea inolesJ/
&ts not until Kyungsoo is coughing bac% smo%e does he reali(e he hasnt been
breathing the whole while, .Hm, yes, inoles whatE/
.=ou,/ Jongin smiles"
)he thing about Jongins smile is that only his mouth moes u!wards, so all
Kyungsoo sees is a beautiful !icture of !ricey starched white shirts and grinning
misery" A whole lot of suffering wra!!ed u! in e'!osed teeth and narrowed eyes" )he
!rettiest ad2ecties to dot an abandoned soul, most delicate e!ithets to cross a closed
heart"
Kyungsoo writes that down on the Polaroid he ta%es of Jongin that night" "his is
ongin, new neighbor, novelist, sad smile .=> uly +(=+1. 3e will have interviews.
2e wants to write a boo& about me.
CC
During $ednesdays dinner, Kyungsoo decides that although his daily rituals are
sim!le and re!etitie, its best that way" #is memory doesnt last long enough for him
to %ee! u! with longCterm changes and its not li%e he can grow tired of doing
something he cant remember doing, in any case"
.So what do you doE/ Jongin interru!ts, a !en tuc%ed behind his ear and another one
between his fingers"
Kyungsoo says that he wor%s at the neighboring toy factory from nine to fie, gluing
little shiny little marble eyes onto stuffed cartoon characters" A breath of artificiality
for the s!ar%le of life" )he 2ob is !urely for financial su!!ort, albeit Kyungsoo thin%s
that he might hae grown attached to his cowor%ers and the !lushness of the toys, the
soft fabrics, the foreer cheerful smiles" )he 2ob ma%es 2ust enough for rent and
necessities" Still, its alright because seen ocloc% fi'es eerything" At seen, he heads
for the bar to nurse transient melodies from his soul" )echnically the hour is about
demurely collecting change under drun%en chaos, but for Kyungsoo, its about
molding words out of thin air, gas!s of smo%e and shudders of music, closed eyes and
faint sighs embracing the cro! circles of sawdust in the car!ets" &ts about muses
sli!!ing through fingers and curling around his toes" Seen is about !assion" A
dream"
Kyungsoo lets all the two hundred and si' bones of his body fall in !lace as he
breathes, .&t might be lac%luster, & guess" +ut its hard to feel the lac%luster when
youe neer really felt the luster" Felt alie, & mean"/
.So youre li%e a wal%ing cor!seE/
.*ore li%e a wal%ing fossil"/
*inseo%, his childhood friend and fellow singer in the bar, always 2o%es that because
time has sto!!ed for Kyungsoo four years ago, he must be !er!etually twenty years
old" +ut its not really a 2o%e, and !eo!le hae sto!!ed laughing a long time ago"
.& thin% its funny though,/ Jongin remar%s, dro!!ing his cigarette stub in the beer
can before ta%ing an a!!reciatie si!" Kyungsoo tries not to wonder how it tastes,
nicotine and tobacco drowning in fi((ling wheat" &nstead he !eers oer at Jongins
note!ad, and the little illegible lines of blac% in% left s!rawled oer the edges" Jongin
e'!lains that theyre for a boo% hes writing" A romance about a man who erases
himself at the end of each day" Kyungsoo >uestions the romance in that" Jongin says
no worries, writers are certified bullshitters< 2ust %ill someone and itll end u!
romantic"
)hey met for second time twenty minutes ago, when Jongin banged on Kyungsoos
door with a si'C!ac% of #ite and a 2oint !o%ing out between la' fingers, .#i, &m
Jongin, your new neighbor" $ee met before3/ at which !oint Kyungsoo !rom!tly
reached for his boo% and Jongin commented, .&m on the last !age, & thin%" )he guy
wearing a suit"/
Kyungsoo stared at the !hoto, and bac% at Jongin, and then twenty minutes later here
they are: sitting on the fire esca!e, tal%ing about large !hiloso!hies and subCideal
romances that Kyungsoo cant >uite loo! his head around" )heir %nuc%les and
shoulders are bum!ing, which ma%es Kyungsoo uncomfortable, and een more so
that Jongin doesnt seem to care" &n fact, Jongin doesnt seem to be the ty!e to care
about anything"
.$hat do you mean, its funnyE/
.*ore im!ortantly, how does it feel to be !er!etually twenty years oldE/
Kyungsoo contem!lates, .Good"/
.+ut isnt it terribleE =oure caught in time but time moes on" =ou cant remember
!eo!le coming or leaing" )he world diminishes around you while youre stuc% in the
center" All of your old friends leae or die and you cant ma%e new ones" =ou cant
loe" =ou cant hate"/
.So why is it funnyE/
.&ts so sad its funny,/ Jongin shrugs, .Peo!le tend to feel bad for !oor, harmless
souls li%e you" Carrying a largerCthanClife burden with smallerCthanClife ambitions"
4i%e watching an ant die under a magnifying glass and s>uealing in 2oy oer the
sadness of it all" &ts hilarious" $ell & mean, & ma%e a liing off e'!loiting it for all its
worth, but its still hilarious"/
Jongin flic%s off the end of his cigarette and they watch ashes swirl down three flights
of stairs together" A bree(e" Jongin inhales summer, e'hales to'ins" Kyungsoo !ic%s
at his toes and fingers and the little bits of rust in the steel staircase before saying,
decisiely, something that he isnt sure he wanted to say, .=ou sound so miserable"/
.All noelists are"/
.&s that why you smo%e so muchE/
Jongin writes 0ine/pli!ably ?ood 7amaritan and !onse4uently nosy in the column
headed under Character )raits" Pretending not to see it, Kyungsoo nudges him for the
answer until eentually Jongin com!lies with a sneer, .=ou dont need to %now" $hy
dont we tal% more about how you %ee! trac% of3/
.Ao,/ Kyungsoo sna!s firmly, .Ao, & want to %now"/
.4isten the boo% is about you3/
.)his conersation is about us"/
4owering his head, Jongin mutters something about !ains in the asses before ri!!ing
his face bac% u! with a blan% smile that curdles Kyungsoos guts, .1%ay" About us"/
.& wont remember it by tomorrow, anyway,/ Kyungsoo reminds him"
#ollowing his chee%s in on the 2oint until the little flic%er of orange disa!!ears,
Jongin lets the words flood out with white ehemence, .&ll tell you what ma%es me
miserable,/ Jongin loo%s somewhere into the distance, and that is when eerything
falls a!art, .& hae idio!athic !ulmonary fibrosis" &t means that my lungs are
drowning in snot" &m dying" )hat ma%es me fuc%ing miserable, alrightE/
)he noise of street endors and traffic and children !laying suddenly becomes
unbearably soft" Kyungsoo stares at his %nuc%les and feels the blood rushing out of
his face, .&m3&m sorry3& didnt %now you were3/
.&n other words, god is suffocating me in slow motion" &n three years my heart is
going to be lo!sided trying to !um! enough o'ygen through my body" &m going to
hae organ failure" Iating is going to be im!ossible because how do you eat a meal
while breathing through strawsE And why do & smo%e, you as%E $hy do & smo%e"
$hy"/
Kyungsoo watches his %nuc%les go bloodless" #e wants this to end" #es sorry" #es
sorry and he doesnt understand3but Jongin doesnt really want him to"
.& smo%e to die faster" & smo%e so that when &m etheri(ed on the hos!ital table &d go
out with a swoosh instead of a swish,/ Jongin nods, s!ea%s of misery in the form of
discursie gray, .+ut this isnt funny, you %now" )his is 2ust !lain sad" &m the saddest
fuc% on the !lanet" *iserable, isnt itE/ And a shrie% of dry laughter to !unctuate the
monochromatic anger, .Aah, &m 2ust fuc%ing with you" &t is funny" &ts funny because
my life is full of this: you thin% youre esca!ing, until you run into yourself" )wentyC
three years later it turns out that the longest way round is the shortest way home, and
&e been running in circles since the getCgo" $hat a riot, huhE/
Aeither of them laughs, though Jongin does snort when eentually Kyungsoo finishes
things off with a gentle, .&ll forget by tomorrow"/
)heir interiew dawdles until its seen" Kyungsoo sings tonight, li%e any other night,
but the words and tunes are coming out of his mouth and not his heart and the only
thing he can remember is smo%e" )he li>uid !ain see!ing from Jongins seams"
#e goes home at halfC!ast midnight and stic%s a note u! on the wall, a bright yellow
one smac% in the center of eerything, so he wont miss it tomorrow: #?rab a toy
0rom wor&. Leave it by the apartment ne/t-door. .=@ uly +(=+1$
CC
Kyungsoo comes home from the bar, two days later, to find a stuffed Pororo by his
door" &ts the same toy that he stitches at wor%, and if he s>uints hard enough he can
almost be sure that hes the one who glued the eyes on because hes the only one who
manhandles su!erglue that way" )here is a )han% =ou card underneath Pororo that
says, in angry blac% in%, .6itys pretty 0u!&ing e/pensive 0rom someone who !ant
!are"/
#e has no idea what those words mean, but the !ang in his heart is too loud to be
dismissed" Suddenly all the melodies and rhythms fade away into an oerwhelming
silence" *ore sour than disa!!ointment, more bitter than loneliness" )onight the
a!artment ne'tCdoor is bu((ing with strident, uneen laughter that sounds something
li%e sobs" A whole multitude of oices and chatter, ague shouts of Luhan ongin
7ehun under the semiCbu(( of neerCem!ty bottles of scotch and od%a" $hile
!assing by to ta%e out the garbage, Kyungsoo catches a glim!se of three ery beautiful
faces floating beyond the curtains, a shar! glare of chandelier lights, the !ungent
scent of alcohol and cologne and lu'ury"
#is own a!artment loo%s !articularly desolate at this hour" Dimness swallows all of
the walls and corners" #e reCwrites all of his stic%y notes in green instead of blue, and
Friday !asses with the silent clic%s of gel !ens against neon !a!er"
CC
)hough technically Kyungsoo cant remember haing met the writer nursing what
must be his fiftieth cigarette of the hour, the card in his hand says that theyre
su!!osed to hae regular interiews" *ore than the card, he &nows that theye met
before" And the thoughts not sur!rising3nothing is really3!erha!s due to the messy
ha(e of cigarette smo%e that !uts eerything out of focus: coffee cu!s, moist windows,
the fraying and tarred edges of the writers noteboo%< it slows eerything down, dulls
all of the shines into glows and all of the corners into cures"
)he writer smo%es, hastily, and Kyungsoo feels this alien, em!tied sensation watching
him" 4i%e something crac%ing slowly, dee!ly, irreersibly within him"
)he coffee sho! during the eening of July 8:
st
is a low rumble of clin%ing !orcelain
cu!s, the continuous drone of tired students, whi!!ed cream murmuring into
ca!!uccinos" &ts not !articularly loud, but the noise is the %ind to >uic%sand
someone" Drown them slowly and leae nothing e'ce!t clawing fingerti!s and air
bubbles brea%ing the surface"
Kyungsoo builds half a >uestion oer whether or not all writers loo% li%e this, with
dar% circles bruising eyes and com!le'ion caught between yellow and white and
occasional twitches of the brow" )he >uestion colla!ses as soon as the writer stubs out
his 2oint and catches Kyungsoos ga(e" 1ne long, hard line from one !air of eyes to
another"
.=ou o%ayE/ )he writer, who introduced himself as Jongin, demands bris%ly"
Jongin doesnt seem to hae the time or !atience to acce!t any alternaties, so
Kyungsoo only nods, .=eah" &m fine"/
.)ell me about the accident four years ago" 1r well, yesterday, as you would
remember it,/ Jongin !rom!ts" )heres a hint of an'iety in his oice" Kyungsoo cant
hel! but notice the ugly smattering of bandages oer his %nuc%les" )he !ur!le and
green smudges around his wrist" And suddenly he wonders if its a writers thing at
all, those angry eyes and bloody %nuc%les and unconscious flinches"
.&t was 2ust a ty!ical accident,/ Kyungsoo says" )hough he cant remember days
haing !assed from the !articular eening, somehow the shoc% no longer registers, .&
was coming home from the factory3the one & wor% at right now, got hit by a fruit
truc%" &t was carrying a!!les" ,ed ones"/
.=oue always been wor%ing at the factoryE/
.Ier since & was eighteen" & went as soon as & finished high school" *y mom !assed
away and my dad was sic% so & had to foot his3/
.=eah, o%ay,/ Jongin interru!ts" Kyungsoo can see the loo% of e'as!eration on his
face and wants to !rotest and no, its not 2ust a ty!ical sob story about 2ust another
%id !laying hero" &ts a story about family and warmth and hardCearned coo%ies by the
bedside and counting the dro!s of &K and !raying to cartoon characters for
ha!!iness"
+ut Jongin is not in the mood to entertain any clarifications, .So if you werent such a
res!onsible human, you woulde become a singerE/
.& guess so"/
.And then you got hit by a truc%" )errific luc%,/ Jongin >ui!s and scratches something
out on his note!ad" Furiously"
Kyungsoo chews on his lower li!, a bad habit" .AreJ you angryE/
.Ao,/ Jongin sna!s, a beat too >uic%ly" Kyungsoo falls >uiet while Jongin reads the
ne't >uestion, scarcely loo%ing u! from his !en, .#ow do you %ee! trac% of your lifeE
All the details"/
.Hsually, & ta%e !ictures of new !eo!le & encounter, !ut them in a noteboo% and list
what &e learned about them" & reCread it at the beginning of eery day and u!date it
at the end" 1ther things, & write on my walls, and my !lanner" )he tem!orary issues &
!ut on stic%y notes and !aste them whereer" Hsually on my walls"/ Kyungsoo !eers
at his coffee, and bac% u! again when nothing returns e'ce!t the noisy grinding of
!en against !a!er"
.Do you find that you hae to relearn thingsE 4i%e if you figure out how to wal% to the
coffee sho! today, by tomorrow would you forget how to wal% here againE/
.$ell, no" & can remember the answers" & 2ust cant remember learning them"
)omorrow & wouldnt remember wal%ing here with you" & would only %now where this
!lace is"/
.Conenient"/
.Are you really not u!setE/
.Ao"/
.At allE/
.4isten" $ere writing about you" A noel about you" 4ets not tal% about me, o%ayE/
.$hy are you u!setE/
Jongins shoulders sag and he dro!s his noteboo%, !en, eerything with a clatter"
,ubbing a coarse hand through his crum!led features, he stares at Kyungsoo with
worn e'as!eration" Perha!s he ree%s a little of guilty conceit as he mutters, .&ssues"
1%ayE Peo!le with actual memories hae issues"/
Kyungsoo doesnt ac>uiesce to Jongins im!atient ta!!ing, .&f you need someone to
tal% to about the issues, you %now that &m3/
.=oure the !erfect !erson to dum! eerything on, of course, because nothing would
eer burden you because youd neer fuc%ing remember, rightE/
)here is a ague feeling in Kyungsoos guts that maybe hes said that !reious line
one too many times" *aybe theye been in this situation before: Jongin frustrated
and tattered on the fence of art and reality, Kyungsoo confused and worried, trying to
hel! Jongin down with no idea how"
.&m sorry,/ he says, finally, when Jongin has sto!!ed retching for o'ygen" #e doesnt
ta%e his eyes off the way Jongins fingers are trembling, .=oure right" &m sorry if &
as%ed you this before and &m 2ust reminding you of something un!leasant, & really
dont mean3/
.&ts about hands,/ Jongin suddenly decides" &t ta%es Kyungsoo a long time to
recogni(e Jongins oice because its low, monotonous, and awfully >uiet" &ts nothing
li%e what is usually and diffuses through the air li%e ether"
.4isten" *y life is about hands" &ts about shoing your diamondCringed hands down
my bileCwashed throat" &ts about shredding my soul with a !air of your e'!ensie
gloes" &ts all about hands" Aails drawing crescent blood" &n%Csmudged finger!rints
down thighs" Knuc%les crushing reflections behind a thin layer of !aint and glass"
#ands, hands, hands"/
A si! of coffee and Kyungsoo !resents an a!ologetic grin, .& still dont reallyJ/
.&m dying, o%ayE/
Kyungsoo feels his heart !lummet as Jongin continues, with the numbness of a man
who has announced the same thing thousands of times already, .&m going to be dead
in three years, maybe two" Probably less" +ut you %now, !eo!le wont loe me when
&m dead" )hats a fact" Peo!le might !ity me" $orshi! me" Say that & was a genius
mind, reel in the great !erformance art that was my life" And what do & do with all
thatE Can & sell itE Can & hae a future and a whiteCwashed house and argue about
what !lants to !ut in the front yard with their fuc%ing assemblyCline pityE/
Jongins eyes are red" #is li!s are white" )he silence is blac%"
.=ou %now what & thin%,/ Kyungsoo has no idea what hes saying, only an in%ling that
he !robably shouldnt be saying it at all3but the words come out on their own, .&
thin% that youre 2ust afraid"/
Jongin doesnt s!ea% for a long time, and when he does, he doesnt loo% u! from his
noteboo% anymore, .So if you can retain memories of how to do something, do you
also retain feelingsE &f you fell in loe with a woman today, would you still loe her
tomorrowE/
.& dont %now,/ Kyungsoo gnaws on his lower li! again, .+ut & su!!ose if & cant
remember doing anything with her, then & cant really3you cant loe someone you
hae no memories of, rightE &snt loe based on memories and actionsE/
.&s it"/
Kyungsoo fidgets with his sleees, .=oure still u!set"/
.Ao"/
.=ou3&3am not your friend3or your thera!ist3or3& guess & dont een >ualify as an
ac>uaintance but3Jongin,/ Kyungsoo stammers, unsure again of what hes saying,
.=ou can tal% to me" & wont 2udge you" & cant say & understand eerything but &32ust
3wouldnt you feel better if3/
.Shut u!,/ Jongin sna!s, eyes still fi'ated on burning holes into his noteboo%,
.Do not lecture me"/
.Ao, Jongin & 2ust3/
.=ou dont hae any right to assume what ma%es me feel better because you dont
understand !ain, do youE $hat ma%es you thin% you can 2udge meE =ou cant een
loe" =ou said it yourself" =ou cant loe so you cant be hurt, can youE )omorrow
youll wa%e u! and eerything will be fuc%ing fine" Ierything will be fuc%ing dandy
li%e its always been and hey, do you eer thin% that youre only so ha!!y each day
because youd forgotten about all the times youe hurt eeryone elseE Do you eer
thin% about thatE $hat if you hurt someone yesterdayE At least normal !eo!le hae
the decency to feel guilt" =ou cant feel anything, cant understand shit, Do Kyungsoo,
because3you, are, 2ust, a, wal%ing!orpse"/
$hen Kyungsoo feels something welling in his eyes, Jongin has already slammed his
noteboo% down and stormed out of the cafe"
And it turns out that the noteboo% doesnt actually hae any writing on it, 2ust
massie twines of in% balled into ri!!ed !ages"
CC
.=ou loo% de!ressed,/ *inseo% comments one day, sometime by the end of July,
when red bean slush is no longer enough for the heat" $hile they wait for the
musicians to un!ac% their instruments and tune, he turns to Kyungsoo with arched
brows, .$hat ha!!enedE/
Kyungsoo frowns, thin%s bac% all the way to when he rolled out of bed this morning,
and sha%es his head, .Aothing" & had a !retty normal day" $hyE/
.& dont %now,/ *inseo% shrugs, .=ou 2ust loo% %ind of solemn is all"/
As Kyungsoo chews on his li! and !onders oer why he would loo% solemn when
eeryone has been !erfectly amiable, *inseo% chats with 5itao about how the rich
writer guy hasnt shown u! to the bar for days"
)hey sing their usual song, a few new im!ro lines, before Kyungsoo reali(es that
*inseo% was right" #is heart is not in the music"
CC
)he night washes tides of motorcycle hums and human chatter oer Kyungsoos
immobile figure" *idnight has !assed hours ago, and his eyes are burning with
fatigue, but Kyungsoo sim!ly couldnt fall aslee!, so here he is, gnawing on his li! and
fli!!ing through his scra!boo%"
At some !oint before hes reali(ed it, he began counting the number of new !ictures
to the number that has been crossed out" And, to his disa!!ointment, almost all of his
old high school friends hae moed out and away, and he hasnt made any new notes
on any of them since years ago" #e tries to dial +ae%hyuns old number, and of
course, its out of serice" &ts !robably been out of serice for months, years" #ow
longE
.#ey,/ a oice !o!s out from the dimness" Kyungsoo bolts a meter and a half and
nearly shrie%s"
+ut somehow the !erson standing on the neighboring balcony doesnt loo% all that
unfamiliar" #e has an aw%ward %ind of smile, li%e it !hysically hurts to moe his face
that way, .$hat are you doing thereE/
Kyungsoo hesitates about telling the truth" #e does it anyway, .Counting the number
of !eo!le &e lost contact with"/
.AndE/
.)heres a lot,/ and he feels awfully li%e sobbing" )he distant rumbles of friendshi!
and laughter and camaraderie, things he no longer !ossess, !ush out his tears and he
turns his head bac% to the scratched !hotos in his boo%" )he old, fading smiles and
the !ain see!s in one molecule at a time" #e doesnt want to cry, and he doesnt %now
why hes crying, .Just yesterday &J & was friends with all of them butJ it says here
thatJ they moed awayE )hey leftE )heyre goneE $hyE Am & really aloneE/
)he guy on the neighboring balcony breathes out fogs and glitter clouds, hiding a
strangled laugh, .=eah, youre really fuc%ing alone" $ere all alone, e'ce!t you dont
lie long enough to reali(e it"/
Kyungsoo !uts his head down in his arm and cries harder than hes eer cried before,
and he %nows this because this is not the %ind of !ain that can be forgotten by
tomorrow"
#e doesnt see the blan% loo% on the other mans face, doesnt hear the mans
cigarette falling out from between his fingers and onto the ground three floors below"
CC
)he ne't morning Kyungsoo wa%es u! with swollen eyes and a sour aftertaste in his
mouth" )here is a scra!boo% in his arms, !a!er cuts oer his fingers, and the wall of
green notes ma%es him sic% to the guts"
CC
.&m not a ery good human being" & haent been one,/ a stranger in the eleator
begins when Kyungsoo stumbles inside" Kyungsoo almost flinches, e'ce!t somehow
hes not sur!rised to hear this oice" )he low timber and the crac%s around each
syllable" A %ind of grudging reluctance, shy naiety des!ite the words, .&e hurt
eeryone who has eer really tried for me" Ien myself" &m a coward, and & ta%e it out
on other !eo!le becauseJ &m afraid of admitting it"/
Kyungsoo nods, and ta%es in eerything about this man before him3the loosened tie,
the heay shadows under his eyes and the caed chee%s, the hunched bac%, the
!ainful eleations of his chest, straining against a whiteC!ressed shirt" Somehow his
swollen eyes the taste of battery acid that wouldnt wash out with mugs of mil%
disa!!ears so easily" #is heart clenches as he reaches out and touches the mans arm,
.=oull be o%ay"/
.*y name is Jongin"/
Kyungsoo might not hae heard the last syllable" Still, the name is familiar on his li!s
as he echoes it, .Jongin"/
.&m a writer,/ Jongin says, and the eleator doors slide o!en as if on cue" Kyungsoo
doesnt moe" )hey reel in the stillness, the drone of the entilator and their uneen,
noisy e'hales" And as the doors close again, Jongin tells a story about a boy who fell
in loe with dancing, and a dancer, and fell too hard, too fast" A story about someone
named Jongin who was tram!led under e'!ectations and !ressure and gae himself
u! and sto!!ed loing !eo!le, himself, !assion, as!iration" &ts not a long one, and it
ends with a new story"
.So he became a writer, and he wrote about that dancer who he loed and cast away"
)he innocence that crumbled in his hands, ineitably" Peo!le gathered and !aid for
the !ity !arty and it made him rich and famous and sad3someone called him
miserable, once3and he wrote more about corroding dreams and des!air and moonC
watching from well bottoms, and it made him richer, and sadder, and more famous,
and eentually god decided to !ut him out of his misery" +ut he had to write one more
boo%, because hes become the %ind of bastard who lied on misery" Parasitic
de!endency on suc%ing the agony out of others bones"/
)he eleator o!ens" )his time Kyungsoo ta%es a ste! forward, and !ulls Jongin after
him" )heir ste!s form a nice %ind of rhythm"
.And there was this !articularly interesting !erson he met, who !ractically begged to
be written about" #e was eerything sad, but he was so ha!!y chasing after
im!ossible dreams" #e wor%ed at a factory and wanted to be a singer3een though
he couldnt remember shit" #e was an amnesiac forced to abandon himself at the end
of each day and who refused to com!ly" Someone who struggled against the
oerwhelming odds of loss, for a deadCend" &t was %ind of funny, li%e watching a
hamster run itself to death in a wheel, for an e'it that didnt e'ist"/
.)hey met one day in July" )he day the writer found out he was going to die" #e
inited this guy u! to his house, where they turned u! a giant fan and let it snow cash
from the windows3big cris! bills" )hat day the writer was angry at the world, and
2ealous, and he wanted to show the amnesiac that hed neer achiee his dreams" )hat
becoming a singer was the stu!idest idea on the whole fuc%ing !lanet for someone
who couldnt een live, couldnt eer e'!erience loe or loss or agony or ha!!iness"
)hat him becoming a singer was li%e a robot tal%ing about writing loe songs" Absurd
and fuc%ing hilarious"/
.Jongin wanted to show off how rich he was, how awesome life could be after losing
himself and giing eerything u!" #e was someone who cared more about !rotecting
em!ty !ride than his own life" Peo!le said bigCass !arties with cham!agne towers and
chocolate fountains ma%e a !erson ha!!y, so Jongin rinsed and re!eated in all of
those, and !eo!le said that he was ha!!y" #e was god fuc%ing ha!!y and3/
.)he amnesiac couldnt see it" #ere he was, this guy who couldnt een remember
losing his fuc%ing best friends and !arents, this guy who lied off of ti!s and counted
!ennies, the most !athetic %ind of earthworm, and he couldnt fuc%ing understand
when glory was thrown in his face" Glory, fame, wealth, !ower, status" Ierything
that Jongin3that &3hae eer wor%ed for"/
Jongin runs a hand through his hair, shiering des!ite the heat"
.)hat was when & reali(ed it wasnt because you were stu!id" &t was because &, Kim
Jongin, was a moron" )he whole time & was 2ust trying to !roe to mysel0 that & was
ha!!y, that throwing away all &e eer wanted to be, to wallow in des!air, to ma%e a
show out of myself, was the right thing to do" & moed into the shithole of an
a!artment building you lied in not for ins!iration, but to watch you suffer" )o
confirm that you were suffering" & watched you sing night after night and !rayed that
youd fuc% u! and go out of tune and get s!lashed in the face with a tub of beer" & tried
to blit( your little cocoon of bliss because3because3&J & 2ust wanted someone with
me" &n the >uic%sand" +ut you didnt sin%" & was wrong" & am wrong, and a fuc%ing
moron"/
.+ut youre not a moron,/ Kyungsoo interru!ts"
)heyre leaning on the railing on Kyungsoos tiny balcony" Kyungsoo is bent oer the
metal, estimating the shadows s!layed across the grass, with arms tuc%ed under his
chest and head bobbling occasionally" Jongin is ne't to him, !ro!!ed u! on his
elbows and facing the other way, legs crossed and ga(e on at the stars as Kyungsoo
whis!ers, .=oure 2ust lost"/
Jongin loo%s at him for the first time, really, from under his lashes" )he moonlight
runs down his face, highlighting all of the soft creases and the !lastic flesh, and
Kyungsoo thin%s that Jongins so remar%ably frail li%e this, so remar%ably beautiful"
.&m going to be more lost" 4ost, and lost, and then,/ Jongin whis!ers, .1ne day, poo0,
&ll be gone" &ll be to the world li%e those !hotos in your scra!boo% are to you" )he
world wont remember losing me"/
Kyungsoos oice is crac%ing all oer the !lace and nails are digging u! rust when he
finally s!ea%s, .Ao, no dont gopoo0"/
Jongin snorts, the dismissie %ind of moc%ery that snarls youre %ust saying it, and
ma%es Kyungsoo want to grab him by the shoulders and scream that he cares, that he
really means it3Do Kyungsoo wont allow Kim Jongin to go poo0" I'ce!t he has no
idea why he cares, and Jongin might be right" #e might be 2ust saying it" #e might
not care" #e doesnt really %now this Kim Jongin, after all, doesnt hae any
memories of what has ha!!ened between the two of them"
.& 2ust really want to remember you, for een one e'tra minuteJ/
+ut if it were as sim!le as that, his chest wouldnt hurt nearly as much as it does now"
)heir shoulders touch a little, but neither of them moes away"
Part two: &nisible walls
.&m Jongin, and &m here to3/
.$rite"/
Jongins 2aw swings o!en, shoc% registering slowly on his tilted eyebrows" )he
seconds come and go, s%ittering along a thin line of hesitation" 1utside the window
the grass dissoles into the s%y, burred colors and bright chaos" Kyungsoo waits"
&ts not until Jongin s!ots the scra!boo% lying o!en on the %itchen counter does he
rela' into the doorframe, .1h" So youe read u! on your notes alreadyE/
.=u!,/ Kyungsoo nods, and doesnt >uite notice the loo% of fleeting disa!!ointment
oer Jongins e'!ression"
)oday the conersation resumes in Jongins a!artment ne'tCdoor" &ts a whiteCwashed
bo' cluttered full of balled !a!ers, halfCem!ty cans of beer, a myriad of achromatic
sha!es: sheets brittle and distorted oer the nude mattress< ta!estries dangling lim!ly
li%e surrender flags" 4ittle cigarette stubs and yellow !ills are arranged on a !lastic
coffee table to s!ell, .KYA9?7B;/" Ierything is a thin eneer of white fragility,
barely holding away the !ostCmodern asbestos" &t ostraci(es Kyungsoo but ta%es in all
of Jongin, la!s u! all of his lethargic ste!s and long lashes"
Kyungsoo thin%s that Jongin herds eerything in the room together" S!layed out
against the couch, Jongin is the %ind of guy to belong in this sort of !lace, !robably,
or the %ind of guy who has gotten used to this high class su!erficiality" A %ind of
stuffed, hollow man, shadows falling between the emotion and the res!onse"
.=ou dont li%e this !lace, do youE/
.&ts all blac% and white" &t doesnt loo% li%e anyones ho3/
.#ere,/ Jongin calls suddenly"
Kyungsoo almost doesnt turn around fast enough to catch the bundle of stillC
!ac%aged yellow stic%y notes that Jongin tosses him" .$hats thisE/
.Come on, really" =oue got to recogni(e these"/
.Ao, & mean, why are you giing them to meE/
.=ou were the one who said my room is blac% and white,/ Jongin shrugs, leans bac%
onto his couch until the hollow of his throat is fully e'!osed and suddenly hes all
2agged edges of chins and cartilage and elbows, %nuc%les, nails, .So color it" & bet
youre dying to" And loo%, its the color of the sun" *a%es you feel alie, doesnt itE/
.=oure awful"/
.=our admonishing stare,/ Jongin grins, .is my faorite"/
So Kyungsoo gies in, though only after ordering for Jongin to, .Call me hyung from
now on" &ts ridiculous how unmannered you are"/
Jongin laughs dismissiely, smo%e e'!loding li%e glitter clouds oer his head and
mouth wide with glee" Pulling a chair u! against the nearest wall, Kyungsoo hel!s
himself u!, halfCtottering as he tears o!en the first !ac%age and sli!s his thumb under
the first note" Aligning it at !erfectly !er!endicular angles, Kyungsoo runs his thumb
oer the edges and smoothes down the corners" )he wall is toasted warm from the
sunlight and Jongins oice comes in a comforting hum from behind him, mists of
little insignificant words drifting oer wistful grimaces"
.Do you eer wonder this3how many ten ocloc%s hae you s!ent doing the same
!recise thing, with the same glue gun and same buc%et of marbles and the toy from
the day before the day before the day before all of yesterdaysE #ow many times hae
you sat down at your em!ty dinner table and wondered if tomorrow you will
remember todayE/
$ith time Kyungsoo notices that Jongin is really not as%ing >uestions" #es
answering them" Filling the foot!rints that Kyungsoo had left behind" Gentle and
entrancing, consonants bro%en fullCsto! and owels ta!ering to infinity" Ga(e di!!ing
far, far, away, lost somewhere in Kyungsoos as Kyungsoo lights his walls abla(e in a
field of golden conflagration"
.Do you eer thin% that you cant remember because there is nothing to rememberE &f
you do the e'act same thing eery single day of the wee%, eery wee% of the month, all
twele months of the year, doesnt memory lose !ur!oseE $hat do you thin% will
ha!!en if you begin brea%ing the routineE/
)hey s!end the night li%e this" Kyungsoo doesnt go to the bar and he doesnt sing,
2ust listens to the course of Jongins whis!ers and the murmurs of the !archment
under his s%in, the beats of his !ulse see!ing into the inisible crac%s of whiteCwashed
room" )he !rocess of letting Jongin brea% him out of his routine is almost too easy"
At some !oint Kyungsoo finishes with the notes and Jongin with his >uestions"
)heyre on their old s!ots on the couch and the arm chair, bas%ing in the dus%, when
a tune settles between them" &t grows, fluid and effortless, starts from the end and
ends at the start, and it ma%es an inisible string from Kyungsoos tongue to the
Jongins fingerti!s, lifting them li%e marionette strings oer his la!"
1n their way to slee!, Kyungsoo molds the melodic lines, the aCflat, the bCshar!C
minor, the Jongin loo% your hands are dancing, the Jongin & li%e you a lot< Jongin
defines the meter, the fourCfour, the fourCthree, the hyung are you ha!!y, the hyung
fossili(e me in your time"
Jongins last >uestion is a soft one, and he mutters it 2ust as Kyungsoos eyes flutter
closed, .#ow many times hae you neglected something really im!ortantE/
CC
July is the cruelest month, and its last day the most bitter"
.)he !eo!le,/ Kyungsoo says, and hes so e'hausted today" #is bones ache and his
ribs cut into his lungs and he cant breathe and eerything hurts, s!ins, hurts, s!ins"
.)he !eo!le are gone" All of them are gone"/
Jongin %ee!s staring" Kyungsoo trembles and gri!s onto his scra!boo% for life, !a!er
crushing under his nails but maybe he wants to crush it" *aybe he doesnt really want
to remember" *aybe he can get in another accident and ma%e all of it go away,
.+ae%hyun he3&3& tried to find him3says here,/ he fli!s o!en the boo% and !oints to
a weathered !age, face in the !hoto barely distinguishable from too many glossing
touches, .says here that he moed away" See, it says his number isnt in use anymore"
+ut +ae%hyun was my high school friend" +est friend" & 2ust3& really wanted to %now
why he moed" $here he moed to" All & wanted to do was !atch things u! in case we
had a fight"/
.So & called his mom, and & could remember how she hugged me during graduation
and told me that &m 2ust li%e a son to her, and that &m much better behaed than
+ae%yhun, and that if & eer need some motherly adice & should go to her3and
+ae%hyun !unched my shoulder and eeryone was laughing and it3but when & called
today she 2ustJ it was still her but she soundedJ she was soJ tired" Frustrated"
Jongin she was si!& o0 me"/
.Ao,/ Jongin blanches, .=ou didnt really as% for +ae%hyun, did youE/
.And she screamed at me, said to neer call her again and then she apologiCed" )o
me" +ecause she couldnt een blame me for calling her to remind her that +yun
+ae%hyuns dead" )hat he was %illed in the same accident as me" )hat & was the one
who suried instead of him"/
.4isten, hyung, its really not your fault3/
.#ow many times hae & done this, JonginE #ow many times did & hae to call her
and as% her about where her dead son wentE Jongin what have I been doingE $hy
didnt anyone 2ustJ why didnt & write it downE $hyE/
Jongin doesnt answer" #e shifts, barely, and slum!s against the staircase railing"
.Did you %now about thisE/ Kyungsoo as%s, finally, after the seconds hae stumbled
into minutes, and his neres eru!t into a frantic shout when Jongin fails to answer
again, .=ou %new about this, didnt youE $hy would you let me do thisE/
$ith a sigh, Jongin !ries the scra!boo% out of Kyungsoos hand, .=ou werent
!lanning to write it down today, were you, hyungE =oure u!set but that doesnt mean
that youll do it, will youE Are you thin%ing that maybe all of this can go away when
you wa%e u! againE/
)hough Kyungsoo ma%es a noise to !rotest, he really doesnt hae anything to say"
Jongins !robably right" #eay guilt, and maybe a little rage, !reci!itates from the
dam!ness in his !alms"
.Afraid" =oure afraid" &ts better reo!ening someone elses wounds than running the
ris% of reo!ening your own, because time heals !ain li%e hers, but it sure as fuc% is
not going to heal yours" $hile the rest of us moe on, youre going to be stuc% here all
by yourself, crying about the same thing eeryday" =ou %now that" And you hate
yourself for %nowing it and3/ Jongin gri!s Kyungsoos wrist, lowers his oice until
its all ebbs and flows, .&ts not your fault" )rying to !rotect yourself is not wrong"/
Kyungsoo ta%es a ragged gas! and before Jongin can start again, he 2er%s his wrist out
and snatches bac% his scra!boo%" Swallowing bac% the sting in his nose, he scribbles
.died 0our years ago .D= uly +(=+1/ oer +ae%hyuns cheerful grin" *aybe the
handwriting is a little bro%en, a little sha%en, blurred with little !lo!s of saline li>uid"
*aybe Jongin is sha%ing his head" *aybe hes going to regret this eery single
morning from today forward"
+ut at least he wont be left behind"
CC
Jongin carries in the first morning of August and two greaseCstained brown !a!er
bags, throwing both carelessly across the tiny dining table in Kyungsoos %itchen as
he turns around to e'!lain, .=ou gae me the %ey to your a!artment yesterday"/
.& %now,/ Kyungsoo !oints to a note on the wall, e'ce!t he thin%s that he mighte
%nown een without the note" Ierything about Jongin is new but familiar, abru!t
but warm, in a way, li%e something easie to the mind but fossili(ed in the sa! of the
soul"
.#ow much do you %nowE/ Jongin as%s, while !ulling egg toasts out of the bags and
hel!ing himself with great familiarity around the %itchen"
.=our name is Jongin, youre my neighbor,/ Kyungsoo follows the beeline that Jongin
ma%es from the cu!boards to the dining room, .=ou used to dance, but you gae that
u! to be a noelist, and you hae a sad smile and youre always smo%ing becauseJ
because youre dy3/
)he sound of !a!er ri!!ing out of metal, as Jongin fetches the scra!boo% from the
%itchen counter, fli!s to the last !age, and ri!s it out, is almost too raw for the ear"
Kyungsoo falls silent and watches Jongin whi! out a (i!!o and %indle a flame onto
the sheet, .=ou dont need to %now" &m one of those !ages thats going to be
abandoned one day" &t wont een be a !retty !age" &tll be blood and tears oer !ul!
and !a!er and, honestly, its better not to hae a !age of me at all"/
.+ut3/
.Just forget it".
$hen Jongin leaes, Kyungsoo secretly rewrites the !age, dusts u! the ashes and
!uts them in a 2ar" #e does this not because he wants to remember Jongin from
today, but because he wants the Kyungsoo tomorrow to %now of the boy behind
Jongins secretie smiles today" #e wants the Kyungsoo tomorrow to %now that
behind the Jongin who ghosts along cigarette stubs, who tosses bac% !ills with glasses
of mil%, is a Jongin who can laugh with his whole face and body" A Jongin who !uts
his baseball ca!s on bac%wards and blows his chee%s u! at une'!ected moments" #es
a child with an old mans scars, the gentlest romanticist hiding within a shell of hard
cynicism"
)hough Kyungsoo doesnt hae a !icture this time, he thin%s that he doesnt really
need one" )he words come out on their own, wishes at the end of eery stro%e, and
Kyungsoo thin%s that theyre more re!resentatie than any !icture could be of that
rare flic%er of stardust in Jongins eyes" 1f the way he calls him hyung" 1f the way he
!ulls both of their baseball ca!s bac%wards and !oints out how they match"
#e doesnt write that Jongin is dying"
CC
)he man on the last !age of his scra!boo% is Jongin on certain days, a writer on
others, and a stranger during brief eleator rides" 1n good days he has a smooth olie
com!le'ion< on bad days he wears 2aundice oer his flesh li%e a !unishment"
Sometimes he is a boy sitting on the neighboring balcony, legs dangling off the ledge
and cigarette hanging on !arched li!s, arms !o%ing out from behind rusted fences"
Sometimes he is the tired man leaning against the wall, drowning in the rain with
hair dam! and bac% hunched" Sometimes they share a >uiet second in the corridors,
others countless hours s!ea%ing with lidded eyes, oer thic% diides of indigo smo%e
and ringlets of blues" 1ccasionally it hurts to see him, ma%es Kyungsoos chest throb
with something heaier than !ity, but most of the time seeing the man ma%es
Kyungsoos head light and di((y"
And although Kyungsoo doesnt record the details, there is always something when
they come into contact" Iery time their eyes catch, when they s!rawl themseles out
against the night s%y, telltale gra(es of %nuc%les between shallow breathes" &ts
something ine'!licably warm, light, transient" A little li%e fireflies" )he %ind of
something that lingers 2ust long enough in his !alms to disa!!ear by the time he
learns to want" )he %ind of something that tells him this has ha!!ened before, and
that ne't time, too, theyll fly away" Sli! between his fingers li%e fleeting memories"
+ut this %ind of something is !robably not romantic" .4oe you,/ are two words that
are neer said" )heyre too definitie, too abru!t without motie, solid eidence,
rationali(ed e'!lanations because at the end of each day sometimes Jongin is a
stranger, sometimes Jongin is a boo%, but he is neer more than a friend" )ime %ee!s
them at arms length, an inisible and im!enetrable diide"
Days come and go and Kyungsoo finds the border between dont go and good night"
1f course Kyungsoo is always dying to reach out and draw Jongin bac% in" #e thin%s
that theye fit before, een though between them there is no entangling of toes or
ma(es of interloc%ed fingers" )here is only the tsunami of te't and slow wae of
music" And maybe thats all they are"
$ith a tic% of the second hand he always ste!s bac% into, .Good night"/
$ith Kyungsoo and Jongin there is !robably no romance, not in the usual definition
of the word" +ut maybe there is a little of something else, between comfort and need,
between ho!e and faith, between the na!e of Kyungsoos nec% and the creases of
Jongins !alm"
CC
)heyre two souls floating on a roofto! of Samsung )ower, seentyCthree floors u!
into the night, almost high enough to blow stars into constellations, yet still too close
to earth" Kyungsoo counts the number of !ills left in Jongins !lastic orange bottle
while Jongin watches smo%e ri!!le into the air and dissi!ate"
.$hats it li%eE/
.$hats what li%eE/
.+eing forgotten"/
Jongin tuc%s his hand underneath his head, and they ga(e u! together at the
obscured moon and stars embedded in the clouds" #e wor%s his 2aw u! and down
silently for a few seconds before the answer finally !o!s, a croa%ed, .&ts li%e being
%illed" $i!ed out and deleted against your will"/
.And whats it li%e forgettingE/
Kyungsoo loo%s dee! into the s%y, .&ts li%e dying, too,/ and neer before has he
wished so bad to lie 2ust a little longer" )heir %nees touch" Kyungsoo inhales the
smo%e that Jongin e'hales" )onight they smell of in% and rain and cotton and streetC
side snac%s, metallic fall, and each other"
.=ou %now,/ Jongin turns, a flic%er of absence oer his e'!ression, .hyung, when &
used to dance, & li%ed the assistant" #e was Chinese" 4u #an" *y first loe, & su!!ose"
& res!ected him, followed after him, and he too% care of me" And then one day &
bro%e" Crac%ed under the !ressure and !ain and & was sic% of eerything" & too% it out
on him" #e tried to fi' me" Ieryone tried to fi' me" +ut you %now, fi'ing a !erson
isnt li%e fi'ing a toy" $hen you fi' a !erson you !ut yourself u! to be bro%en"/
1ne of them swallows, louder than Jongins whis!er, .And & shattered him into too
many !ieces"/
.*y editor31h Sehun3hes an ass" +ut hes efficient" Puts me bac% together een if
its in the wrong way and my heads glued on bac%wards" )he !oint is he shoes all of
my !ieces together so & dont lose anything" $e stic% together" #e %ee!s me li%e a
stray dog, & guess, hes good for me"/
.And, then one day he tells me, hes dating someone from a ballet com!any" & go,
o%ay, cool, but dancers can be melodramatic" And he goes, no, this ones great, his
name is 4u #an, you two should meet u!, didnt you say you used to danceE/
.1h3/
.So we met u!" &t was ineitable" +ut you %now whatE #e still remembers what %ind
of coffee & dran%" Iight years and he didnt een try to forget me" #e loo%s li%e cra!
een if hes in loe with Sehun" =ou %now whyE &ts the memories" )heyre %illing him"
& cant sae him from them" Aeither can Sehun,/ Jongin grimaces, and suddenly the
smo%e no longer flows but s!utters from his teeth, .Ao one can sae anyone from
their memories"/
&ts clear what Jongin is getting at" Kyungsoo attem!ts fighting his ne't words, but its
ultimately im!ossible"
.&ts good that you wont remember me, really, because this way & can sae you" )his
way when & fuc% u!, you wont hae to carry it" +eing forgotten isnt unbearable
com!ared to being remembered" & can stand dying at the end of each day, hyung" &ts
o%ay to forget me"/
Kyungsoo doesnt hear Jongins loud, .&m dying anyway,/ that gets lost somewhere
in the stars< instead he hears the muted, .dont let me die,/ in the fingers that Jongin
laces into his own" So he leans oer and !resses their noses together, gies Jongin his
o'ygen and the scent of tic tacs on his tongue, and ta%es away a lungful of nicotines
shadows and ground !ain %illers and bitter o!ioids"
.=ou %now why you always loo% so oldE +ecause you thin% that nothing is worth
remembering, because nothing is ideal, and youre right3nothing is ideal" +ut eery
moment is worth remembering, Jongin" Iery time you fuc% u! &ll get to see a
human, eery time you fall &ll get to see loe washing you ashoreJ and & dont care if
in eight years &ll loo% li%e cra!" &t might be because & dont hae any memories, and &
cant really be hurt, but3for me3to loe and hurt and brea% myself down for
someone worth it3/
Jongin cu!s Kyungsoos 2aw and tilts his chin and their first memory is of one %issing
away the dis>uiet" And strangely, it is one that Kyungsoo cannot bring himself to
record"
CC
.4isten, there was a time before when & said that & wanted to write about you,/ Jongin
says" )he sand shifts oer their toes< distant mutters of the sea carries his oice away,
.)he thing was, though, & didnt really want to write about you" & wasnt trying to
write at all, & mean" $riting is about obsering, but & was trying to !ersuade andJ
this time & want to obsere" & want to learn about you"/
Kyungsoo waits for Jongin to sto! coughing to res!ond, .+ut &e been telling you
about me" All afternoon" And if &e been telling you about me for two months, &m
not sure what there is left to3/
#is sentence sto!s on a erb when Jongin !uts his hand on his nec%" Jongin re%indles
it on a con2unction when Kyungsoo ga!es with sur!rise" A grin lights u! his entire
face, small and somehow ear to ear, no teeth but brighter than the moon and all of the
stars, as Jongin says, .+ut there is still a whole character you haent told me about"
=oue told me about the Kyungsoo at twenty years old" Kimchi s!aghetti, dry 2o%es,
lunches by the tree trun%" )he one who died" =ou haent told me, though,
about hyung, the one who is liing, who sings !erfectly offCtune songs in a bar, who
lies eery single day li%e his last and first"/
.&3/ Kyungsoo begins, and that is when it dawns that he has nothing to say" Jongins
hand is warm and heay and !erfect on his nec%"
.& want to learn about you, hyung" Aot the you yesterday, or the you tomorrow" & want
to learn about the you today" & want to %now how you feel, why you didnt go to the
bar today, what your first thought was when you wo%e u!, if youre tic%lishJ/
.=eah"/
.$hatE/
.&m tic%lish,/ and Kyungsoo has no idea what hes doing when he !uts his hand on
to! of Jongins, and feels the flu' of warmth into his !alm, .And & li%e your hand
here" &ts horrible" &n a nice way"/
Jongin !robably meant to laugh, but at some !oint the laughter decom!osed into
coughs that double both of them oer" And while they s!rawl out oer the beach side
by side, sand in hair and ocean in their fingers, Kyungsoo caresses Jongins nec%,
feels the air whee(ing in and out, and closes his eyes, .& want to learn about you, too"
)oday, & dont want to forget you"/
So Jongin hel!s him remember, traces all of the lines and angles and !asts and
futures of Kim Jongin into Kyungsoos s%in with li!s and lashes" Slee! is li%e wa',
!olyester, styrofoam, wool, gra!hite, and it wra!s him u! before he can reach bac%
and try to gras! the ends of Jongins toes and fingers"
.)omorrow,/ Kyungsoo says, at the !eri!hery of dream and reality" Jongins hand
ghosts along his collarbones, soothing his !rayers, .& want to see you dance"/
.$hyE/
.$hen you tal% about it, its li%e you light u! a littleJ & want to see you light u!
com!letely" Glowing" 1erflowing with it" 4i%e firefliesE/
$hen Kyungsoo wa%es u! again, there is sand in the ridges of his toes, the ocean in
the ends of his hair, and fireflies in his room" Do(ens of little fireflies in the dar%ness
before dawn, twin%ling li%e stars in the water, shining into his little bedroom with the
ceiling too low and walls too close" #e stares !er!le'ed at their !resence, but een
more by a strange urge to fall bac% on his !illow and laugh"
CC
.&m here to !ic% you u!,/ says the man at the door" #is name is Jongin, Kyungsoo
thin%s, but he cant remember where hes heard that name before" And as he frowns
and chec%s his notes, Jongin grabs him close and !ec%s him on the li!s, .)his should
be a better reminder"/
+efore Kyungsoo has a chance to !ush him away, though whether or not he would
hae !ushed him at all is doubtable, Jongin has gotten his arm slung around
Kyungsoos nec% and began dragging him out the a!artment, .Come on, lets go"/
.$here are we3/ Kyungsoo yel!s as Jongin !ractically throws him oer the window
!ane of a filthyCrich loo%ing conertible, a treacherous little thing !ar%ed u! against
the curb, all blac% e'teriors and !lush white interiors, not een bothering to o!en the
door, .goingE/
.)o see fireflies,/ Jongin says, muffling coughs in his sleees, and its only when
Kyungsoo buc%les u! and loo%s oer does he reali(e that the boy is grinning from ear
to ear, .,eal ones"/
.$here are we goingE &s there a field around hereE/ #e as%s, but Jongin doesnt say
much, only turns u! the radio and blasts !o! tunes to fill u! the air, and maybe to
obscure his obscenely !leased smile"
)he car s!eeds from lan%y alleys to the shadows of s%yscra!ers and the grassy
suburbs, dee!er into the night" Somewhere along the lines Kyungsoo notices Jongin
stic%ing his free arm out the side, dangling loosely off the window !ane, and finds the
nere to do the same" )he wind rubs away the neres in his s%in and breathes in
s!ar%s in their hair" &ts a small thrill, but big enough of one to ma%e his heart beat a
tad faster" Kyungsoo begins singing, oice e'cited and distinct oer the radio, and he
%nows that Jongin is watching how the inisible currents swirl behind his digits" Ibbs
and flows with the color of his wandering melodies"
I'ce!t instead of driing to a field, or een a !ar%, Jongin cuts the ignition in front of
an abandoned warehouse" Kyungsoo turns to him ga!ing, .& thought you said we were
going to see fire3/
.$ait,/ Jongin interru!ts, and Kyungsoo understands that hes not going to be
briefed on this until after it ha!!ens, so he lets Jongin drag him out the car with
fingers loo!ed almost too easily between his, !romising things about colored smo%e
and light and magic that seem to hae ery little to do with actual firebugs"
&ndeed it has irtually almost nothing to do insects, and almost eerything to do with
a !air of trans!arent gloes and an e'!losion of flames oer them and an uneen
smir% oer Jongins li!s as he orders Kyungsoo to !ay attention" )he door slams,
moonlight dims, and Kyungsoo loses his breath"
Jongin is a fleeting glim!se of hard muscles and fluid grace gliding through s!ace, but
more than that, there are literally lines of fuc%ing light strea%ing out of his !alms"
,iers of glowing green and yellow and blue light gushing out of his hands and
floating li%e neon smo%e and water" #e !aints his fingers with a close, shimmering
!recision"
)heres no music, 2ust the hushed melody in their lungs: Kyungsoos infinite inhales,
long diminuendos when he remembers to breathe at all< Jongins >uic% e'hales, shar!
crescendos when moist heels slide against wet cement and !alms slice the ebbs and
flows of li>uid fluorescence into the night"
And then Jongin ma%es a gesture for Kyungsoo to come closer, a sim!le tilt of the
forefinger really, but Kyungsoos heart is in his throat as he wobbles u! and it nearly
2um!s out when Jongin suddenly runs his hand down the front of his shirt, a
swee!ing line from his nec% to his chest with o!en !alms" )hough the colors are
ethereal and anish into the air, Jongins touch lingers behind hot and unforgettable"
.,eal fireflies,/ Jongin grins, .4ight !eo!le u! from the inside out"/
.$hat are you een sayingE/ Kyungsoo laughs, and een harder when he catches
Jongin flushing from the nec% u!"
Jongins answer begins with a stammer but disa!!ears under a bout of fitful coughs
and sha%ing, folded shoulders" )here are beads of !ers!iration oer his forehead"
Somehow, it doesnt loo% right"
CC
)here are one hundred and twentyCtwo %ilometers from Jongins midair mansion to
Kyungsoos rundown bar, and somewhere in there Kyungsoo gri!s Jongins hand oer
the steering wheel and !ulls them oer, .Are you o%ayE/
.$hat do you meanE/
.)he !ills3)essalon Perles, Phenergan, Codeine, and how do you een !ronounce
this oneE And your coughing, and whats3E/ Kyungsoo tugs the little !lastic halfC
mooned thing in the gloes com!artment, .=ou3is this a3omit containerE/
Jongin blanches, .Ao, its not"/
.=oure sic%, arent youE/
)he drone silence is the loudest thing Kyungsoo has eer heard" Finally Jongin shifts
away, loo%s into the distance" Kyungsoo watches the way his Adam a!!le 2um!s u!,
hesitates, and dro!s, and he suddenly regrets as%ing" Ierything brea%s, crac%ling
along the seams as he croa%s a te!id, .$hat is itE &ts not terminal, is3/
.*y lungs"/
)here is nothing in the air but heay breathing, and maybe a hinge of a sob in
Kyungsoos throat"
.#ow many, how many months3days3E/ #e as%s, wearily, more tired than the ashes
crumbling off the end of Jongins cigarette" 4ighting u! and fading into gray" 4ighting
u! and fading" Fading"
.)he doctor said, two years,/ and Jongin tries to smile, with the 2oint between his li!s,
hanging li%e moc%ery and sadness, .&ts a !retty long time, considering &e only been
alie for twent3/
.Ao" Sto! smo%ing"/
+lin%ing slowly, Jongin falls into a little tric%le of crac%ed sniggers" )he uneasiness is
tangible" .$hat are you going to do about itE &m dying anyway" )wo years, two and a
half years, whats the big differenceE &ts 2ust a matter of time, and its not li%e it
would matter for you, anyway, its not li%e you can remember what we did3/
#is 2aw is blunt and hard against Kyungsoos %nuc%les and Kyungsoo almost cant
beliee that hes 2ust !unched Jongin as the man flies bac% and bum!s his head
against the headrest" #is cigarette falls and settles on the seat"
.)his,/ trembling, teeth chattering, Kyungsoo !ic%s the 2oint u! and watches the
smo%e twirl, .this is what &m going to do about it,/ and stuffs it in his mouth" )he
flame is still there and the !ain of being burnt is not the searing %ind, but the
s!earing %ind" &ts the sort that ri!s through Kyungsoos flesh, the %ind of !ain that
slices eery nere and hurts, really hurts"
Jongins eyes are unwaering as Kyungsoo chews and swallows the cigarette, flints of
tobacco and !a!er and filter rough as %nies across burn wounds" Smo%e see!s down
his throat and he cho%es a little, tears welling u! cold behind his eyes" )he tobacco
tastes of dirt and medicine and it tastes worse under Jongins e'!ressionless stare"
.)he ne't time & see you smo%ing,/ Kyungsoo gul!s it all down, tongue screaming in
agony as it !resses against the roof of his mouth, .&m going to do this again" +ecause,
yeah, yeah, its not li%e time matters to me" &tll be the same if & die today or
tomorrow, really, wouldnt itE &f you thin% youe got the right to cut yourself off from
me, why wouldnt &E/
.=oure so fuc%ing dumb, hyung"/
Kyungsoo is in too much !ain to answer, but he %ind of agrees"
CC
.&ts weird, that writer guy doesnt smo%e anymore,/ *inseo% remar%s the first night
that Kyungsoo shows u! to the bar in wee%s, a!!arently" #e ta%es a >uic% si! of water
and glances at the musicians before turning bac% to Kyungsoo, .#e used to smo%e
them by the handfuls, & swear" And the e'!ensie suit, too" &ts li%e hes a different
guy"/
Curling his tongue absentmindedly to stro%e at the burn mar% that hed gotten some
time ago, Kyungsoo traces *inseo%s ga(e to a man biting down a !atroni(ing grin,
seated across the room" &ts halfC!ast twele, and the bar is bustling full of !eo!le and
chatter, but the seconds their eyes catch all Kyungsoo can see is that man and the
sha!e of his li!s, the dar% glint under his lashes" )he entire room em!ties in the flash
of a second until all that is left is Kyungsoo and the man in the leather 2ac%et" Luiet,
colorless, surreal"
At some !oint the music starts and *inseo% nurses a tune" Kyungsoo moes his 2aw
u! and down on instinct, because he %nows that its his cue to 2oin" )he micro!hone
heay in his !alm and he waits for his oice, only nothing comes out" Dry croa%s and
>uic% blin%s and !anic see!s in, further when he hears *inseo% ta!!ing the floor in
im!atience"
)he man across the room arches his brows, mouths something that Kyungsoo doesnt
>uite understand, and lifts a hand tentatiely" Per!le'ed, Kyungsoo watches his
fingers dance through the air, and then somehow the sound of a !iano ghosts from
nowhere, glitters loud and clear and it all comes together, eerything sin%s in" )he
melody traels through the mans body, guiding it into corners and cures and
Kyungsoo thin%s that he is the most beautiful man, most beautiful artist on the
!lanet" )he melodies flow from the mans fingerti!s and into his heart almost as if
that was the sole !ur!ose of its e'istence"
&ts a night in a month li%e Se!tember, or maybe 1ctober, when Kyungsoo deliers his
best !erformance to a dancer in a leather 2ac%et" And afterwards, as Kyungsoo waits
for *inseo% to diide the ti!s, the dancer ma%es his way !ast the tables with a bashful
smile, .& dont hae an umbrella"/
Kyungsoo blin%s, suddenly aware of the rain drumming against the window" *inseo%
nudges him, .#e says he doesnt hae an umbrella"/
Kyungsoo %ee!s blin%ing until eentually the dancer sighs and slings his arm around
Kyungsoos nec% carelessly, clearly a gesture that hes done more than once before,
and begins dragging him out, .Come on, come on" $al% me home, hyung"/
At the mention of 0hyung, Kyungsoo immediately thin%s of the last !age in his
scra!boo%, the one without a !hoto, about a man who is really a boy, a writer who is
really a dancer, a neighbor who is really much more" Kim Jongin" )he !age had a note
on the side that said to !retend to hae neer read it, because Kim Jongin doesnt
want to be remembered"
So Kyungsoo !retends that he doesnt %now that Jongin is his neighbor, .$here do
you lieE/
.& %now you %now"/
.& swear & dont"/
.&n your a!artment"/
.Ao really"/
.=es really"/
Kyungsoo grumbles, Jongin smir%s, and Kyungsoo %nows that he has no alternatie
but to ta%e him there"
Seoul at one ocloc% smells of dam! earth, drenched windbrea%ers, and Jongins
fabric softener" Kyungsoo offers to hold the umbrella, !erha!s so that his %nuc%les
can brush against Jongins shoulder when they come too close in their un!arallel
lines" )heyre in a relationshi! a!!ro!riately summari(ed by two slender silhouettes,
shoulders barely gra(ing, feet !attering down wet sidewal%s somewhere between dus%
and dawn" &ts a !icture full of adolescent naiety, adolescent blushes and an'ieties
and sudden !ronouncements of, .& li%e you,/ and .what are you saying,/ and .&m
going to %iss you,/ and rough li!s, gentle caresses, mouth smiling and fumbling
against %nuc%les and wrists"
CC
.&snt it %ind of boring using only one colorE/ Jongin remar%s as Kyungsoo darts from
one end of the bedroom to the other, straightening out and reorgani(ing and dusting
off all of the details because eerything loo%s horrendous with a guest around"
.&t would be a headache otherwise,/ Kyungsoo res!onds, smoothing out the last
wrin%les in his comforter"
.=eah, but you cant tell whats im!ortant li%e this" Ierythings green" 4i%e a lawn"
=oue got grass on your wall,/ Jongin laughs aw%wardly at his own 2o%e while
Kyungsoo gies u! on cleaning and slum!s down on the rug, .Alright, humorless
today, are we"/
.So youJ whatJ are youE/ Kyungsoo doesnt e'actly broach the sub2ect, because he
already %nows the answer and really its all formalities, !retending not to %now
Jongin when he feels li%e he does and when he has memori(ed eery line about him
in the scra!boo%"
.&m a writer"/
.& thought you were a dancerE/
.& used to,/ Jongin !ic%s his way across the room, bending his nec% slightly because
the ceiling is too low, and dro!s himself ne't to Kyungsoo" )heir feet fit together
!erfectly, toes scarcely bum!ing and all the lines aligned, .$hen & was young, & did
some ballet"/
Kyungsoo as%s for Jongin to e'!lain what ballet is li%e, because hes neer seen it
before, and Jongin decides to do a lie demonstration with his fingers, .So heres the
head and these are the legs and, ready, set, go3,/ an arabres>ue, he calls it, .and
when they 2um! li%e this,/ its called a grand 2et-, and .gie me your !alm,/ a twirl of
the wrist, s!inning nails dig laughter out of Kyungsoos !alm, .fouett- en tourant,/
and his smile disa!!ears into curious fi'ation as Jongins fingers s%itter to the edge of
his !alm and oer to the bac%, .here a sissonne, one, and a two, and3,/ they both sto!
breathing momentarily, when his fingers cross Kyungsoos wrist and u! his forearm,
arm, shoulder, collarbone, nec%, lower li!, sto!"
Jongin !ries a smile o!en on Kyungsoos mouth with a thumb, and leans in to smear
it away with his own and its a sweet, chaste %iss that Kyungsoo reels in"
+ut when Jongins hand sli!s around his waist to bring him in closer, Kyungsoo 2er%s
away with a gas!, .$ait, no"/
Still da(ed, Jongin stares holes into Kyungsoos mouth as he scam!ers away, !erches
on the side of his wor%table uncomfortably, .& dont eenJ & dont %now you" & mean
3& mean, & dont really rememberJ/ and he trails off when Jongin stands u!, grabs
his hand, and raises it oer his chest" #e feels Jongins thundering heartbeat, and
Jongins thin !ulse, and Jongins whis!ers oer his earlobe"
.4isten,/ Jongin says, .this is me, in loe with you,/ and he brings their hands oer
Kyungsoos chest, and Kyungsoo is suddenly aware of how hard his own heart is
!ounding out of his chest and the sudden heat in his chee%s, .and this, it sounds %ind
of familiar, doesnt itE/
)here is game in Jongins eyes and a challenge in the small !artition between his li!s
and Kyungsoo has no idea what hes doing, but the moment Jongin !uts his hand
oer his %neeca! eerything combusts, turns into fingers digging into bac% of nec%s
and messes of tongues and breathlessness and bum!ing %nees against hi!s" &ts
almost natural to brea% all of the inisible barriers between them, reach across and
touch the reality oer one anothers flesh" Guide hand oer hand and li!s oer li!s
and they fit so !erfect together, creices into slo!es and s!eed into hesitation" Fall in
one another endlessly until theye hit the !it bottom, until Jongin has gotten him
bac%ed u! against the wall, legs bum!ing the inner seams of his thighs and breath
scalding oer the base of his nec%"
Kyungsoo forgets to breathe when Jongin shoc%s the silence, ri!!ing his (i!!er o!en
and !ulling down his 2eans and briefs at once" #e doesnt %now where to loo%, really,
because hes neer done this before, and Jongin seems more than familiar with the
!rocedures as he fists Kyungsoo, dragging hot fingers until Kyungsoo is so hard it
almost hurts" #e buc%s, on instinct, and Jongin seems to notice the way hes gri!!ing
bac% and studies Kyungsoo from under his lashes, .&ts o%ay, well go slow"/
)hough the definition of slow might be sub2ectie, Kyungsoo is !ositie that Jongin is
ste!!ing out of bounds when he o!ens his mouth and closes it around his coc%,
immediately sliding further down the shaft, li!s furious and scalding and
into'icating, tongue flic%ing across the slit and rubbing im!atiently u! the underside
of his coc%" )hrowing his head bac%, Kyungsoo thrusts uncertainly into Jongins
mouth, though the uncertainty ends the moment Jongin moans and the %not of
!leasure unraels into his guts" From there its about heat and moans, nail bed
scra!ing against scal!s and whim!ers !refi'es to shar!ly gas!ed, .Jongin, Jongin,/
and low moans suffi'es to muffled shudders behind clenched teeth"
$hen Kyungsoo is about to come, Jongin !ulls away and crushes him against the
wall, mouth ferent and hot and whis!ering fast instructions about, .ta%e my !ants,/
between, .off, now/ 2olts of, .hurry,/ electricity, .hyung"/ As Kyungsoo follows his
orders to the syllable, Jongin !eels away his shirt, throwing it anywhere before
awarding Kyungsoo with a light trail of %isses from his mouth to his 2aw and lower,
down his nec% and off his shoulder, s%ittering along the length of his arm until he
finds the 2unction between the fingers" Slowly, with his eyes s>uared in Kyungsoos,
he suc%s off their fingers together" As Kyungsoo reels in the warmth of Jongins
tongue, Jongin !ushes him oer the bed"
)he first digit that Jongin inserts into Kyungsoo hurts, the second one is blind agony,
and Kyungsoo waits for Jongin to ni! the !ain away, distracting little !ec%s s!iraled
along his nec%" #e rela'es in time for Jongin to thrust in dee!er, and that is when his
hi!s 2er% u! on their own" A strong wae of !leasure !unches him numb and
inarticulate< his 2aw dro!s but nothing comes out" Jongin remembers the s!ot and
when he re!laces his fingers with his coc% its the same damned s!ot that he hits, the
same s!ot that ma%es Kyungsoo let go of eerything" A noise between a grunt and a
scream comes out from his throat" Jongin s>uee(es his thigh before thrusting in again
and faster, rougher, oer, and oer until Kyungsoo comes in strea%s of white oer his
stomach, and %ee!s going until a sudden, shar!, grunt"
As they fall bac% onto the bed together, Kyungsoo worries himself about !erha!s
folding u! the clothes that Jongin has tossed eerywhere, and Jongin about wra!!ing
his arms around Kyungsoos waist in the !erfect way" )he rim of Kyungsoos starched
shirt, scented of cigarette fumes and the wet transition between fall and winter,
wrin%les at the ridge between their hi!s" Jongin slowly slides his hand down the
buttons, uncli!!ing each one with the leisure of time and the faint bu(( of !leasure in
his throat, .=ou %now, & neer told you my name was Jongin" #ow did you
rememberE/
Kyungsoo flushes, face turning !in% to red as he tries to bury his head into the !illow,
.=ou %new, didnt you, that & hae a !age about you in my boo%E/
.1f course & did,/ Jongin mutters, and Kyungsoo wonders why it sounds as if hes
been whee(ing3whee(ing this whole time, maybe since the beginning, .& hae the %ey
to your a!artment, and no sense of !riacy or obedience" +ut you dont seem to hae
any either, seeing as you wrote us down een though & told you not to"/
.+ut & would %ee! writing,/ Kyungsoo says, .& want to remember us" & really3& want
to hae3& want to 2ust3a relationshi!" & want to hae a real relationshi! with you,
where we can tal% about what we did yesterday or the day before thatJ/
Jongin says nothing, only buries his nose in the na!e of Kyungsoos nec%, breathing
heaily still"
.)omorrow, tomorrow !lease, dont let me forget you, Jongin" & want to remember
this, & want to remember us"/
.Dont worry, hyung" &m a writer" & remember things for a liing"/
)hey stay u! all night" Jongin ma%es cu!s of oerCsoa%ed tea and they drin% them on
Kyungsoos balcony, legs e'tended and oerla!!ing, toes fidgeting against toes"
Kyungsoo tries to tal% about eerything he can thin% of, anything to %ee! awa%e
because when he falls aslee! it will all be oer, the beautiful stars and the warm fu((
in him and the ama(ing smoothness of Jongins s%in gliding down his own, the star%
contrasts" #e rambles about how nice Jongin loo%ed when he danced in the bar li%e
that, how !erfect their oices and moements fit together, how the s%y is so clear and
how the weatherman said it would rain tomorrow"
+ut eentually, Kyungsoos eyes grow unbearably heay and he slum!s against
Jongin, semiCconscious of the cool bree(e teasing his s%in and the lines Jongin draws
into his nec%" Jongin !uts Kyungsoos head in his la! and stro%es his hair, continuing
Kyungsoos words as if theye neer sto!!ed, because maybe things dont hae to
end so >uic%" +ecause he, too, is ho!ing"
Slee! ta%es Kyungsoo away, anyway"
CC
&n the last seconds of summer, hours are always too short and seconds too long" )he
days are growing shorter and though Kyungsoo cant say that he has any !roof,
tre!idation gnaws at him with eery sunset and he can feel it lingering oer him"
Filling the creases of his s%in, gliding down his s!ine, dri!!ing off his toes" A longing"
A fear" )he sin%ing cold of winter, the rain without a beginning, the same hours that
he %nows hes !assed once before" And then night swarms in and !aints eerything
blan%"
Part three: )omorrow
Sunlight drifts into Kyungsoos dream, refracts into something cool and salty and
maybe inoling heels digging into the soft oerla! between ocean and beach" #e
turns and the wet sand transforms into warm linens"
$hen he o!ens his eyes the coc%tail of seagull wings and shades of blue are re!laced
by a ceiling, meters too low, a small window at the end of a narrow bedroom, and
!eeling wood floorboards under worn rugs" &ts his room, albeit not e'actly the same
as it was yesterday, because there are now green and yellow stic%y notes !asted oer
eery inch of eery wall" Aotes that he cant recall haing !laced: a second s%in of
colored te'ts and diagrams, numbers and dates" A bree(e lifts the curtains and
ruffles them, !lays a melody in the tune of dri((led !a!er a!!lause"
)hough Kyungsoo is unsur!rised by the state of his room, somehow he is ta%en
abac% by the oerwhelming number of yellow notes" )he confusion, howeer, fades
automatically into a smile when he climbs onto the balcony and notices a figure
leaning on the ad2acent railings"
.#ae you read the yellow onesE/ )he stranger as%s abru!tly, glint in his !u!ils
turning mischieous as he notes Kyungsoos matte stare, .Go bac% and read them"
And o!en your door when & %noc%"/
So Kyungsoo goes bac%, reads them, and o!ens the door when Jongin %noc%s" )en
minutes later theyre bent oer the %itchen sin% ma%ing brea%fast while Jongin
!o%es his stomach, counting the ridges of his ribs, ruining eerything the !erfect
way" Hneasy sto!s and easy goes, crawling along with arms around waists and chins
sun% into shoulders"
*aybe this can re!eat foreer, Kyungsoo thin%s" *aybe one day hell wa%e u! an old
man and Jongin will still !o%e him in the stomach, breathe incoherent teases into
his ear, and ma%e a mess out of eerything 2ust li%e today" )heyll eat brea%fast oer
the balcony, wrin%led feet in fluffy sli!!ers and gray hair too thin to hide bright
smiles" #e would li%e that"
CC
4oema%ing between Kyungsoo and Jongin is summari(ed by nondescri!t etches
oer fraying !ages, com!iled in a little list that Jongin has titled "hings that "urn
Do Kyungsoo on" 1n odd days there are s!ontaneous combustions at the dro! of a
!en, een days there is Jongin molding his hands to the te'ture of Kyungsoos
goosebum!s"
*ainly theyre made of regular nights at the bar, when eeryone else has abandoned
them to a glass of untouched Scotch as arbitrator" Kyungsoo finds himself staring
stu!idly at Jongins face while he sings, contem!lating how its !ossible for
someone to loo% so flawless and bro%en at once" +eautiful as in%wor%s, ha!!iness
s!illing oer the contours li%e aged tea, Jongin is li%e an artifact of lost !erfection3
though the !erfection !art bites the dust as soon as he loo%s u! and, catching
Kyungsoos wideCeyed ga(e, win%s"
)heres something about Jongins win% that ma%es Kyungsoo almost dro! his
micro!hone, and certainly the time signature of the song" &t doesnt ta%e long before
Kyungsoo cro!s off entirely, because that is when Jongin has closed the distance
between them, !retty li!s breathing blues oer slee% !ers!iration" Kyungsoos heart
thuds against his chest with eery semiCintentional bum! of the wrists and whis!er
of, .& dare you, really"/
)he game of dares turns lethal when the lounge door shuts and leaes Jongin
crushing Kyungsoo into the wall, .Say that againE =ou dare meE/ Palms and %nees
s%imming u! thighs, incoherent mumbles !unctuating eery whine and whim!er"
Hrgency runs eerything oer while frustration guides hands down metal (i!!ers"
1r maybe not frustration"
*aybe 2ust urgency, because theyre always in a rush for the grains of sand
anishing from the creases of their !alms" +ecause as winter folds into s!ring,
loema%ing is less about shar! thrusts and smoldering ga(es, and more about
humid silences tra!!ed between the sheets in Jongins a!artment" +ecause as
s!ring comes, the crests disa!!ears and leae only a steady stream of troughs"
CC
Kyungsoo stretches oer Jongins mattress, watching the curtains blow life into
hundreds of yellow stic%y notes oer the walls, while Jongin meets the hollow of his
throat with both thumbs" A distracted whis!er fractures the calm, .&m sorry"/
)he air resonates not of Jongins little a!ology, but of the gas!s of air whistling into
his lungs" Sliding his hand under Jongins starched shirt, Kyungsoo counts the
number of Jongins ribs with his forefinger" #e leaes behind little !rints of stic%y
!ers!iration and come, soothing .one, two, three3/s" Jongin 2um!s, startled, while
Kyungsoo !ec%s the sur!rise off his li!s, .7hhh" Dont be sorry"/
&t ta%es Jongin a ery long time before he rela'es into Kyungsoos ministrations,
allowing the other to smother his !alms down his sides and !aint him in warmth
and comfort, .&ts 2ust that & cant een, !ro!erly, love you"/
Kyungsoo snorts, digs his finger shar!ly between the ribs, and Jongin eru!ts with
laughter, which Kyungsoo s%illfully cu!s with both hands and ca!s under a longer,
fuller %iss" )here is a faint shadow of iolet under their bodies as Kyungsoo !ulls
away, letting the hues of his sigh drift lethargically" .Jongin, listen" & dont care
about se'" &ts more than good enough, li%e this" $ere already ma%ing loe"/
Jongin buries his face in the !illow" Kyungsoo !ries him out" Jongin loo%s away"
Kyungsoo forces his face bac%" Ientually Jongin brea%s into an embarrassed
chortle, .=oure %illing me, hyung" =oure really %illing me"/
.$hyE/
)here is no res!onse, so Kyungsoo thin%s that maybe its 2ust another one of those
things that Jongin says for no reason" 1ne of those things that comes and goes" As
the s%y dar%ens, the >uestion dissi!ates together with the light, and it doesnt return
again"
CC
.$here does a thought go when its forgottenE/
.& dont %now" AwayE/
.)hats ague"/
.&m not a writer"/
.Dont be ague"/
.$ell, it dies" )he thought dies"/
.$hat if & dont want toE/ Jongin flic%s his (i!!o o!en and shut, watching the
tongue fire flic% around the steel ca!" .Dont let me die, hyung" Promise me youll
remember me"/
.1%ay" & !romise" &ll remember you"/
.Foreer"/
.Foreer"/
)here are times that the truth hurts more than the lie, and times when the lie itself
is !ainful enough to ri! Kyungsoo a!art"
.$ill you loe me tomorrowE/
.1f course"/
.Promise me that"/
.&ll loe you tomorrow, and &ll remember you foreer" Just gie me the lighter
before you burn my a!artment down"/
Jongin writes him a note to hold him to their !romise, #My name is ongin. Im the
writer who lives ne/t door. 7ee you tomorrow, hyung. Dont 0orgetE$Kyungsoo
laughs at the e'clamation mar% and Jongin !unches his shoulder and they roll
together, under the coers, oer a slight slo!e of ho!e" Kyungsoo figures then that
lies are also what !ieces Jongin together, so maybe he can lie a little"
)he ho!e ends, eentually, and the lies fail" Jongins oice is small and lonely as he
mutters into Kyungsoos hair, .& only hae two things in this world, hyung" &ts 2ust
you and dancing" )hats all &e got going for me, and soon, theyre going to care
the dance out of my bones, and, eentually, theyll ta%e you, tooJ/
Kyungsoo lets Jongin sna%e his hand around his nec% and draw him into an
embrace" )he fire flic%s off and the dar%ness settles" &ts raining out" PitterC!atter on
the windowsill"
CC
)here are moments when Kyungsoo watches Jongin dance that he notices how
Jongins moements lag behind, not significantly but 2ust enough" #esitant buc%s of
the 2oints, fear and desire in the tellCtale hesitation" &ts as if his muscles are
straining for something that his tendons hold bac%, as if hes caught !er!etually
chasing some melody that is always a beat faster" Jongin !robably %nows it himself<
the glimmer of frustration and grief dilating in his !u!ils is unmista%able"
+ut eentually, een those moments disa!!ear" )here is no more frustration or
grief, no moement, no struggle, not really" Just an a!!arition sitting on the other
end of the bar" Disintegrating slowly into !articles of dust and light"
)hen there are the moments when Kyungsoo sings that he notices the clenching and
unclenching of Jongins fist" )he bite mar%s in his lower li!, the downcast eyes, the
surrendered shoulders" Ierything comes a!art not with a shout, but with the
ineitable gas! for air" Gently, steadily, ineitably"
And ultimately, the sentence that describes Jongin as a dancer in the bac% of the
scra!boo% becomes something li%e a lie, because Jongin doesnt dance anymore"
#es not really a writer, either" #e doesnt seem to be the man in the !age" #e
doesnt seem to be a human at all, !erha!s 2ust a cor!se re!eating at the end of
eery hour, .#yung, do you remember whenJE/
CC
Kyungsoo is hanging between being suffocated and scalded by a midsummers night
as he ste!s into the eleator" )he stranger already inside nods a terse greeting" &ts
the :8
th
of July, a moment when the world runs on uncertain lam!lights, drun%en
howls, and the occasional !unch of laughter" )here are 2ust the two of them at this
hour, and an obtrusie %ind of !eace"
#aing 2ust returned from the bar, Kyungsoo tries to fight off the coc%tail of
metallic smo%e and the thic% scent of alcohol caught in his hair" )he last ringlets of
sa'o!hone nestle oer his fingers and cin>uillo beat lingers under his s%in, but none
of it is enough to fill the abyss that stands between him and the stranger"
)he stranger, with an unlit cigarette between his teeth, turns first" )he unflattering
eleator lighting enshrouds him in 2aundice yellow, a heay eil of lethargy"
Kyungsoo wonders, with the cin>uillo !ounding into his eins, if the mans s%in is as
!lastic as it seems"
.#ot" )he weather" &ts hot,/ he says, !roffering a hand that Kyungsoo grabs with
hesitation" #is gras! is sur!risingly cold, long fingers and nails cut short and shar!,
leathery s%in stretched taut oer gaunt %nuc%les" +ut more than that, hes
trembling, Kyungsoo reali(es" #is teeth are chattering and he can barely ma%e eye
contact"
.Hm,/ Kyungsoo bal%s" #e wants to as% if the strangers o%ay, why hes sha%ing li%e
that, but between the crea%s of the eleator flooring and s!utters of the fluorescent
light bulb, the words are lost, .=eah" =eah" #ot tonight"/
)he stranger says nothing" &nstead he leans bac% on the eleator walls and lets his
eyes glide down the length of Kyungsoos figure, as if hes waiting for Kyungsoo to
recogni(e him" &ts the %ind of attention that ma%es Kyungsoo draw bac% behind his
2ac%et, though a thin layer of cashmere does little to hide him" )ime stands on its
toes until the doors o!en, when Kyungsoo lets out a gas! of air he didnt %now he
was holding in"
1nly later, after Kyungsoo has wor%ed his way down the a!artment corridors and
noted that the stranger has trailed after him, does he reali(e that its !robably not
the first time theye met"
.Do & %now you from somewhereE/ #e finally as%s, oice echoing uneasily down the
long hallways" )he stranger has sto!!ed at the neighboring door, twirling a
%eychain around his forefinger" A slier of moonlight wor%s in from the railings and
gleams off of something on his suit" Kyungsoo notes a !air of cufflin%s, shiny and
e'!ensieCloo%ing, too e'!ensieCloo%ing to belong to someone who would lie in
this %ind of residence"
.Do youE/ )he stranger frowns, and it resounds much more of a !lea"
Kyungsoo !ic%s the lint in his !oc%et" #e doesnt remember coming u!on the
strangers face in the scra!boo% or the rows of green notes on his walls" +ut !erha!s
he s%i!!ed a !age" &ts ha!!ened before" #e hurriedly reaches for his bag, and is
sto!!ed with a bar% of laughter, .So you dont remember" Aothing at allE/
.$hatE $hat am & su!!osed to rememberE/
.Aothing" ,eally, nothing,/ )he stranger laughs, or maybe sobs, as he slum!s
against the neighboring door and slides down, down, down" Ien in the dar%, the
twin%le of fear gleaming from his croo%ed grin is distinct" &t ma%es him loo%
younger than he seems, almost sadly so"
CC
)he watermelon tastes of grimy windows and the air of some %ind of inisible,
dimming melody decom!osing at the eins" Kyungsoo finds it hard to swallow"
Ierything is im!erce!tible today, teetering by the edge of e'istence"
.Jongin,/ he says, !ic%ing out the blac% seeds with careful forefingers, .$hy are you
so >uietE/
.&e always been >uiet,/ Jongin res!onds"
)heyre sitting crossClegged on Kyungsoos balcony, mildewed walls behind them
and an unending country of suburbs etheri(ed before" Kyungsoo feels li%e all of it is
2ust a film set built out of dust and crac%ing dreams" )here must be a real world
somewhere out there, where laughter doesnt seem an im!ossibility on the barren
desolation of Jongins face"
.Ao you haent"/
.=ou wouldnt %now" &ts not li%e you remember"/
.$hy are you so u!setE/
.&m not"/
.=ou are"/
Jongin bites angrily into a chun% of watermelon" )ric%les of 2uice run down the side
of his mouth and he smears them away roughly with the bac% of his hand" #es
u!set, that much is clear, Kyungsoo decides, or !erha!s a little more than u!set"
$aiting !atiently, Kyungsoo !ic%s u! the sound of Jongin biting, chewing,
swallowing, hitching for air" +ut Jongin doesnt brea% out of the routine, only
continues eating faster and faster"
.4oo%, what did & say wrongE Jongin, & want to hae a relationshi! with you but you
cant be li%e this3/
.Ao, hyung" & can, because we dont een have a fuc%ing relationshi!,/ Jongin
suddenly sna!s, brittle and cold, .And were neer going to hae a relationshi!" =ou
get it, dont youE =ou can %ee! trying but youre neer going to remember me"
)hats 2ust the way it is"/
Kyungsoo doesnt want to cry, but a little whim!er crac%s his !o%erCfaced faMade
and screws eerything u!" Jongin grows angrier, .=ou dont een hae a right to be
u!set" =ou wa%e u! each morning and youre all fine and dandy but what about
meE/
.&m sorr3/
.Im in love with you, damn it, but & still hae to introduce myself to you eery
fuc%ing morning and do you een understand how that 0eels83Ao, you dont,
because you dont actually loe me" $ithout all my notes, there is nothing" )here is
actually, e'actly, really nothing" &m really 2ust a stranger to you, and this
relationshi! is all 2ust a !lay" &ts 2ust another noel" Fabrication" Ierything" &m
not een writing a fuc%ing noel, fuc%, Im living it"/
After a long !ause, .&m sorry,/ unwinds eentually, from one of them" *aybe both
of them"
.)wo nights ago, & went through and too% off all the notes about us in your
a!artment, and yesterday, & tried to see if you would remember the night that we
met for the second time3een a little s!ar% of recognition3but of courseJ/
Jongin laces his fingers into Kyungsoos and holds them together, stic%y smudges of
watermelon 2uice smearing oer sweaty !alms" .#ere are the facts" &m going to die"
1ne day youre going to forget us" And then, the day after that, youre going to forget
me" Aot een because of your amnesia" Just because of time" +ecause thats what
time does" &t ta%es the little !ieces" )he insignificant ones first, and then it snea%s
the significant onesJ +ut then by the time you do reali(e it, theyll be gone, and you
wont %now whats missing until3/
.Ao, no Jongin, its not li%e that3my head is bad, but my heart,/ Kyungsoo !resses
both their hands against his chest, and breathes in dee!ly, as if the air can fill the
ga! between them" Jongins warmth see!s through his shirt and it ma%es his
stomach light, unloc%s the words from somewhere he had not %nown e'isted, .*y
heart is good" &ll remember you there" & cant remember anything about you, but
when you hurt, my heart hurt" $hen you laugh, my heart laughs" & can loe you
een without memories so 2ust hang on" #ang on, !leaseE/
After a long struggle, Jongin manages to force a smile onto his face but it >uiers,
and ultimately crac%s as he says, contem!latiely, brutally, .)his isnt a romance
noel, hyung" &t doesnt wor% that way"/ #e inhales, and the final nail comes not
with a bang but a sorry whis!er, .Dont you see it, hyungE 1ur ending is so clear" &ts
all been drafted from the ery beginning, before we eer met"/
)hough Jongin is waiting for a rebuttal, though theyre both waiting for a rebuttal,
Kyungsoo doesnt hae anything to say" )he sobs wrac% through his body heay and
awful and he cant manage the slightest !rotest as Jongin rambles on, .=ou %now3
one day, & wont be able to touch your face, tal% to you" &ll 2ust3lay there, watching
you cry with eyes wide o!en, body numb, and, and my hand, around yoursJ =oull
hold my hand li%e right now, but itll be cold, and itll hurt, more than it does now"
And when that day comes, hyung, !romise me youll let me go" =oull go home, ta%e
away the daisies3/
.Ao"/
.+ecause, listen, hyung" =ou dont desere toJ/ Jongins Adams a!!le bobs u!,
sto!s, and doesnt come down" #is oice brea%s" Kyungsoo suddenly reali(es that
Jongins been crying, too" #es been crying all along, !erha!s before Kyungsoo wo%e
u!, .see daisies witherJ/
.Ao,/ Kyungsoo gras!s both of Jongins hands, collects all of the crumbling bones
and the threadbare tendons, and gas!s little !rayers onto the feeble %nuc%les, .Ao,
no, no"/
CC
+etween the months and the seconds, Kyungsoo loses trac% of the hour hand and
forgets how to read cloc%s and calendars" Sometimes he forgets the date" 1ther
times he loo%s out the window and wonders what season theyre in" #is scra!boo% is
no longer u!dated and hes not sure if hes twenty or twentyCfie because it doesnt
matter either way" #es always going to be caught in the same s!ot, thats 2ust how
things are"
+ut when Jongin comes in eerything settles bac% together" &ts the last months of
fall" 89:G" #es twentyCfie, almost twentyCsi' three months, and so dee!ly in loe
that it hurts" &t hurts because its already the last months of fall, because summer
was oer and he cant een remember it, because hes in the %ind of loe that ma%es
him greedy and angry and sad for eerything that he cant hae"
)he %ind of loe that ma%es him cling onto Jongin at the end of eery night and beg
for him let him remember all of today, and yesterday, and3
.)omorrow,/ Jongin interru!ts" Kyungsoo thin%s that he smells a little of iodine or
antise!tics, doubleC!rinted hos!ital sheets" .=ou can remember tomorrow" &ll
remember all of our yesterdays, and you can remember all of our tomorrows" &tll be
great"/
Kyungsoo dead!ans, .)hat ma%es no sense" #ow do you een remember
tomorrowE/
.$ell,/ Jongin rela'es into Kyungsoos arms, lets his bac% fill the cure of
Kyungsoos chest and chee% glide oer Kyungsoos, .)omorrow & remember that we
will go to the beach, andE/
.And whatE/
.And what do you remember well doE/
.Jongin what are you een saying, how do you remember something thats neer
ha!!ened3/
.Shush" 4ets see" & remember that the water is going to be abla(e with light" )he sun
will be setting, all iolet and red into the clouds" +ut itll be >uiet, mostly 2ust the
sound of water and wind, and your oice" =oure going to sing *y 4ady and bury
your feet in the sand while watching me %ic% around in the water" &ll dance, youll
sing" &ll tri! oer, youll !luc% your feet from the sand and try to catch me" Aoticing
how nice you loo%, &ll get the sudden urge to !ut you in a com!romising !osition"
&ll ma%e loe to you right there and then so that there will be sand all oer the !lace
and youll frea% out, of course, and do the laundry four times, scrub eerything
down3but thats later, of course3first well hae dinner sitting on the roof of the
car, la(y and slow" $e can hae hamburgers, with lots of cheese"""/
Kyungsoo contem!lates, .And well watch the dus%" &ll %ee! singing and youll grab
my hand, drag me off the roof" $ell dance together" 4augh" =oull laugh harder but
&ll laugh longer" *os>uitoes eerywhere, !robably" &d li%e to go but you want to
stay longer, because youre li%e that, and &ll drag you bac% and youll shrug me off
but eentually youll gie, because &ll hit you" 1r maybe &ll gie, when you grab my
hand and !ull me in and %iss me really hard"/
Jongin grabs his hand and !ulls him in so close Kyungsoo can feel his e'hales on his
tongue, .4i%e thisE/
.$hat are you thin%ing right nowE/
.#ow much & want to stay li%e this"/
)here are >uestions Kyungsoo doesnt as% Jongin" #e doesnt as% Jongin if they can
stay together foreer, or how many tomorrows are really left, because sometimes
the truth is too bright" #e can only hold onto the seconds, each gesture, each
contact, each syllable" Jongin comes in seconds" Ierything comes in seconds"
&f only the seconds could last long enough"
CC
$hen Kyungsoo wa%es u! the ne't day, howeer, they dont go to the beach" &n fact,
there is no 0they" )here are no yellow notes on his walls, no words on the last !age
of his scra!boo%, no com!romising !ositions or hamburgers oer car roofs" )here is
only Kyungsoo rushing down the stairs for the factory, eating su!!er before an
em!ty dining table, waiting for seen ocloc% to come with eyes !eeled on the
neighboring balcony and a strange feeling that something might be amiss"
As he nurses a tune under the ha(y stage lights, he stares at the em!ty seat on the
other side of the bar and contem!lates what that hollow !it in his chest means, why
eery note is coming off on the wrong %ey" *inseo% tries to ad2ust his olume to
coer for Kyungsoos mista%es" #e gies u! by the time they hit the brea%, .$hats
u! with youE/
.& dont %now,/ Kyungsoo mutters" Aothing out of the ordinary has occurred today"
Ierything has gone according to the notes in his scra!boo%"
.$heres that writer guyE Kim JonginE/
.$hat writer guyE/ is what Kyungsoo meant to as%, but it somehow comes out as a
gas! of ine'!licable !anic and !ain almost too loud to be registered" 1n instinct, he
reaches for his scra!boo%, goes through the !ages once, and again, and again with
the same sha%ing whim!er, .& dont %now any writer guys"/
A bundle of dryC!ressed daisies sli! out from the bac% coer" Kyungsoo brea%s"
)heres no one to catch him this time"
CC
#e wa%es u! in 1ctober to green on his walls, the color of synthetic grass that neer
dies" 1ctober withers the world at each sunset, until it ree%s of decom!osing leaes
and forgotten !romises" $ith 1ctober arries endless rain that washes out immortal
foot!rints and brings new customers into the bar"
#e wa%es u! in Aoember to snow !iled thic% and high outside his window" A
familiar urge to bury his face in his !illow and cry li%e tomorrow will neer come
curdles in his guts" Aoember carries days that anish into thin air and nights that
become the beginning to the end and the ending to the beginning" &n Aoember the
tomorrows sto! coming" &n Aoember he wonders how long hes lied li%e this, how
much longer hes going to %ee! liing li%e this, how many tomorrows there are left
before time will let him go"
#e wa%es u! in December, four days to Christmas, to a %noc%ing at his door"
Dar%ness swallows his a!artment as he ma%es his way through the corridors,
fingers outstretched as he undoes the chains and !ulls it o!en and3
.#yung,/ whim!ers the boy at his door" $hat Kyungsoo ta%es in is a conflation of
ashen li!s and swollen eyes, shiering under a thin hos!ital gown with nothing sae
for snowfla%es on his hair and !lastic sli!!ers under his feet" )he boy might hae
been trying to smile, the traces of which are left tugging sadly at the corner of his
mouth, but it all thaws away when he tries wor%ing his 2aw again, .#yung,/ and its
a sob, .hyung, hyungJ/
An enormous, ine'!licably warm tide of relief washes oer Kyungsoo, e'ce!t its not
enough to sto! him from croa%ing, hesitantly, .$ho are youE/
A !ause"
.1f course, of course youd forget" #ow silly of me"""/
Kyungsoo watches something well u! the boys already reddened eyes with
breathless curiosity, or !erha!s a !ric% of indefinable em!athy" &ts terrifying how
easily this !erfect construction of bones brea%s down in slow motion" )he boy gies
in a tremble at a time, unwinding at the seams, into an eru!tion of noiseless wails"
Forearms rubbing away tears and whole chest sha%ing with inconsolable grief, he
eentually gul!s eerything down, hard"
#e ma%es a little gesture of a wae, and it loo%s so fragile, .Sorry to disturb you" &
2ust thought3in case you remembered3but, 2ust, neer mind" &ll 2ustJ/
)here is nothing but the hush of colliding snowfla%es, gleaming little s!heres of
light, li%e fireflies, as Kyungsoo wra!s his hand around the boys wrist" #e isnt
really thin%ing of fragility when he !ulls the boy in closer to the door" &n fact he isnt
sure what hes thin%ing as he says, .Ao, its snowing" 4et me get you a 2ac%et" =oure
going to catch a cold"/
.A cold,/ the boy !arrots, and his laugh sounds li%e the saddest thing this side of the
unierse, .&m going to catch a cold"/
CC
1n their way to the hos!ital, the boy introduces himself as Jongin" #e gies
Kyungsoo four facts in the bac%seat of a ta'i" 1ne, hes a writer" )wo, theye met
before" )hree, hes dying" Four, hes ta%en himself out of Kyungsoos notes or
scra!boo% because of those facts"
.)hey said & had si' months left" *aybe a year if & behaed,/ Jongin says, eyes
reflections of the dawn flying !ast the windows, .So & wanted to !lay a hero" 4et
myself be forgotten, to sae you from all the yesterdays and leae you with all the
tomorrows butJ then & heard that & had !neumonia" &t wasnt si' months" & had
four wee%s" *aybe three" And & crac%ed" +eing stuc% with the yesterdays while you
moed on without me suddenly wasnt all that a!!ealing anymore and3really, &m
sorry" & lied" &m not a hero" Just a coward"/
)heir %nees touch" Kyungsoo doesnt moe away, .Do youJ li%e meE/
.4i%e you,/ the boy echoes, and hes laughing again as he says, .Ao, & 2ust want to be
in all of your tomorrows" & want you to remember me"/
Kyungsoo %nows the truth, and he can tell that Jongin %nows it too" $ishes are only
wishes, and !rayers are only !rayers" )he city flying !ast the windows might glow
with Christmas and the warmth of Aew =ears but it doesnt change the fact that too
much is too much" Some things are sim!ly not !ossible"
.& mean, you dont have to remember me" &Nm not delusional" ,eally you can 2ust
dro! me off at the hos!ital andJ 2ustJ & 2ust wanted to see you one more time, and
& guess & did soJ &m really sorry for bothering you,/ Jongin laughs, and each time
he laughs Kyungsoo thin%s that it sounds more li%e a cry, .=ou must thin% &m a
frea% or something, randomly !o!!ing u! at your door li%e this"/
.& dont thin% youre a frea%,/ Kyungsoo interru!ts, and the tension fades a little
when he manages a grin, .& thin% youre a moron, for running out of the hos!ital in
this %ind of getu! when its snowing outside"/
)he car sto!s" &t ta%es a few moments before either of them reali(es that theyre
already at the entrance, and that the time has come for Kyungsoo to leae and
Jongin to stay" For their last second, theyre all !olite smiles and aw%ward bowing
of the heads, as if theye only 2ust met for the first time and that Jongins red eyes
mean nothing"
.So,/ Jongin says, not >uite shiering with Kyungsoos 2ac%et oer his shoulders, but
still chattering nonetheless, .& 2ust, & hae one last re>uestE/
.=eahE/
.$ill you say my nameE 1ne last time"/
Kyungsoo clears his throat and tries to re!licate the syllables, but somehow theyre
stuc% to the sides of his throat een as he o!ens his mouth" Aothing comes out" +y
the time he reaches u! to touch his nec%, he reali(es hes sha%ing and that there is
something wrong with him" )he world is coming down on him in slow motion and
his heart hurts really, ery bad"
.Jong"""/ Kyungsoo gul!s down the hesitation and focuses on the bare syllables,
.Jongin"/
.)han% you" )han% you,/ And the second than% you is said softly, almost as if its
meant for more significant things" Perha!s something of a, .)han% you for meeting
me, finding me, digging me u! from the debris of bro%en !ieces" )han% you for
giing me life, tears, wishes, rows and rows of yellow stic%y notes lighting u! my
room when the ta!estries hae shut off the sun" )han% you for teaching me how
bright fireflies can shine"/
+ut Kyungsoo doesnt hear any of that" All he hears is Seoul at dawn, the whistles of
a bree(e and Jongin whee(ing for o'ygen"
.=oure welcome,/ he returns stiffly" &ts a cold today" Jongin doesnt shier as he
crawls out the car, slams the door, and loo%s bac%"
,olling down the window, Kyungsoo wonders why it feels li%e his whole world is
colla!sing" 1utside, with the wind shar!ening his bones and coursing through his
hair, Jongin smiles mee%ly" Kyungsoo nods" A few shreds of snow ma%e it down
from the s%y, and disa!!ear"
.$ell"/
.1%ay"/
)heye gien u! words, because there is a mutual understanding that words are
clumsy" $ords are li%e little comets, strea%ing behind them a reign of tears and
hesitation" )hey cant afford words" Ao tears or comets or hesitation in this
e'change between a stranger and a memory, only glimmers of snow" Kyungsoo
e'tends his hand aw%wardly across the window !ane" Jongin ta%es it, laughing at
something funny that Kyungsoo cant understand, and then he turns around and
wal%s" 4egs too thin, bac% too bent, head held too !itiably high des!ite his trembling
fingers"
Kyungsoo turns to the drier with a grin two shades too bright, .Drie me bac%,
!lease"/
#es trying to !retend that its all natural, because it is" After all, he doesnt %now
this Jongin" #e doesnt understand the meaning of tomorrows or yesterdays and on
to! of that, hes already late for wor%" $ith a dee! inhale of cris! winter, Kyungsoo
tells himself that he doesnt want to run at all, that there are no tears threatening to
fall, no tears blurring his ision een though3
)hey fall, anyway, one by one, as does Jongin" Kyungsoo screams so loud he doesnNt
recogni(e his own oice"
CC
Standing at the bac% of the room, Kyungsoo gathers leftoer words from the
doctors" Something somethings about o'ygen treatments not being enough,
antibiotics but the lier is shutting down, %ee! him in the &CH maybe but its not
li%e itll change anything, at least down the feer in an ice bath but his lungs wont
hold u!" #e doesnt understand any of the big words, the multiCsyllable Symbicort
or )heo!hlline or corticosteriods, but he understands the tic%ing of the second hand
in between the lines, the incessant bee!ing of the monitors, the meaningless
a!ologies about, .theres nothing more we can do"/
.& dont want to die,/ Jongin says, muffled under the o'ygen mas%" Kyungsoo settles
in the stool beside his bed and studies the !lastic eins e'tending out of Jongins
an%les" Somehow he loo%s so tiny, so full of emaciated edges"
.=oure not going to die" )hey said youll be fine"/
.4iar,/ Jongin laughs, shifting his head away, and thats when Kyungsoo reali(es
that hes not really laughing" )hat hes crying" .)heres going to be a new guy in this
bed in three wee%s" Four, to!s" &e got !neumonia" 1n to! of the fibrosis & hae
fuc%ing pneumonia"/
.=oure going to be fine,/ Kyungsoo insists, een though Jongin is wrong about the
three wee%s, because its really something more li%e two" .)heres nothing wrong
with you"/
.Ao,/ Jongin screws his eyes shut" Kyungsoo doesnt %now what else to do but stand
u! and drag his fingers oer Jongins chest"
Jongin >uic%ly flinches away, .Aow whatE/
.$riting god a note" & hae to" #e cant ta%e away these lungs" =ou need them,/
Kyungsoo decides, !ulling Jongin closer to continue scribbling inisible lines into
Jongins flesh, .=ou really need them"/
)he silence falls, and after it falls it neer lifts again" Jongins murmur is 2ust a ghost
behind the hum of the air conditioner"
.$hen & first heard & was going to die, & thought3finally, than% you3but now, now &
2ust3& 2ust want one more minute, one more millisecond3& want more time, with
you, hyungJ & haent loed you yet, &m not doneJ/ and his eyes close before
Kyungsoo has a chance to grab his hand and tell him that they hae enough time"
)hat theres no rush, that itll be fine, because hes going to go home and write all of
this down3Kim ongin, west wing, room two-twenty, 7eoul 2ospital, ta&e the ta/i
to the southern entran!e, were not 0inished yet3so that he can come bac%
tomorrow, and the day after that, and the day afterJ
CC
.*m, we can try tattooing my nameJ onto your face,/ Jongin says, ta%ing a long
drag of o'ygen from his mouth!iece" )he nurse had let him into a wheelchair
earlier, said he was doing much better and should get out of his room" )ry wal%ing
down the hallways, she said" And so here they are, two little figures wra!!ed u! in
big bundles of wool and cashmere, bracing the stale air down endless corridors" )he
steady ta! of Kyungsoos heel is comforting, almost, a testament to the reality of
their e'istence: theyre still together, the two of them< theyre ma%ing it through one
more day"
.& cant see my own face though"/
.$ell it cant go on mine" &d loo%J awful with my own name on myJ face,/ Jongin
chuc%les, s!uttering for air and waing away Kyungsoos concerned hand, .& mean
the !ress already thin%sJ &m a narcissist" Just imagineJ them finding out about a
fuc%ingJ tattoo3ha"/
)hey say nothing, merely watching the other !atients !ass" &ts a welcomed %ind of
!eace that theyre no longer afraid of, though eentually Jongin brea%s it again, .Are
you going toJ the bar tonightE/
Kyungsoo shrugs, .*aybe not tonight"/
.=ou saidJ the same thingJ yesterday,/ Jongin grins, eyes a little melancholy under
the occasional moan of the o'ygen tan%, .)omorrow, go to the bar" =ouJ hae to
sing" &ts whatJ you do" Sing" 4ie life"/
.&m liing it with you,/ Kyungsoo !rotests, .& can sing right now"/
.Ao dont ma%e an idiot out of3/
+ut Kyungsoo sings, melodies frosting delicate and translucent des!ite the
suffocating atmos!here, brea%ing the Jongins scowl one scoff at a time" #esitantly,
Jongins fingers begin ta!!ing on the arm of the wheelchair"
&t doesnt ta%e long for him to reali(e that Jongin isnt 2ust nursing a beat, that his
fingers are dancing some %ind of magic into the cold" And as Kyungsoo %neels
before him, coming head to head and eye in eye, eerything !erfectly in sync,
Jongins fingerti!s s%itter u! his %nuc%les" 4ight and easy" .Arabres>ue,/ he
whis!ers, words surfacing as white mists oer the !lastic" #is hand does a little
lea!" .Grand 2et-,/ and a twirl of the wrist, s!inning nails digging laughter out of
Kyungsoos !alm, .fouett- en tourant,/ to the edge of his !alm and oer to the bac%,
.here a sissonne, one, and a two, and3,/ they both sto! breathing momentarily,
when his fingers cross Kyungsoos wrist and u! his forearm, arm, shoulder,
collarbone, nec%, lower li!, sto!"
)hey share a smile, during which Kyungsoo !resses his li!s against Jongins fingers,
molding easily oer the cold, !runing flesh" Jongins flush is almost too bright
against the white bac%dro! of his hos!ital gown" Kyungsoo thin%s that he could be
glowing, !erha!s a little li%e a firebug"
$ith time their song ends, and the nurse calls Jongin bac% into his room because
the unfiltered air isnt %ind to his lungs" Aothing is %ind to his lungs"
.Aight hyung,/ Jongin breathes, as they hoo% him to his daily dose of mor!hine" #is
eyes are beginning to flutter closed, and Kyungsoo %nows that hes gras!ing at the
seconds when he says, .& loe you"/
.Ao, Jongin" )ell me that youll see me tomorrow"/
.#yung & might not ma%eJ/
.ust. )ell" *e" )hat you,/ and Kyungsoos oice falters all too suddenly, words and
thoughts colla!sing at once" #e remembers the way Jongins fingers had danced so
ade!tly u! his arm, so naturally, as if they were born for the single !ur!ose only
minutes earlier, and it all feels so surreal to this Jongin lying etheri(ed under
blan%ets of fluorescent lighting, this Jongin who will !robably neer dance again"
.Jtomorrow" )omorrowJ/
Jongin !uts his hand on Kyungsoos nec%, draws him a little closer, smudging
Kyungsoos tears with a thumb, .1%ay" See youJ/
)he tric%les of fluid dri!!ing into his !lastic eins ta%e him away before the last
word"
CC
)here are no more yesterdays, and gradually no more todays either, 2ust tomorrows"
)heyre running out of time" )he shadows are becoming too long, the lights blin%ing
too slow, the monitors song always on the erge of a fugue" Giggles always eru!t
from under Jongins frown, swelling slowly into raucous laughter" )oo loud" )oo
rushed" #es laughing as if hes afraid he wont get a chance to laugh again" As if hes
afraid all the lights will turn off if he doesnt %ee! u! his dis!lay" So Kyungsoo wra!s
his arm around Jongins waist, when no one is watching, and !resses their
foreheads together" #e tells Jongin that its o%ay" )hat he doesnt hae to laugh so
hard" )hat he understands, whateer it is"
.&m on borrowed time""" #ow much do you thin% the interest isE/ Jongin muses one
day, contem!lating the thought as the nurse slides a giant metal tube into his bac%"
#e ta%es a long drag of o'ygen and holds it while blood and !uss !ours into a !lastic
container"
.& dont %now,/ Kyungsoo answers >uietly"
.At the last moments you beginJ !raying for thingsJ will & ma%e it for the winterJ
can we ma%e %imchi togetherJ/
.Do you want %imchiE/
.And then you want moreJ $ill & ma%e itJ to %iss you under the mistletoe" AndJ
will & ma%e itJ for Aew =ears, because & want, & want to eatJ rice ca%es, with you"
$ill youJ ma%e it for our birthdayJ & want to seeJ the mole on your tragusJ when
& lean, in, toJ whis!er in your earJ show youJ true fireJ fliesJ/
.Sto! it, Jongin, youll ma%e it to all of them" $ee already made it for the
mistletoe, today,/ Kyungsoo insists, !ointing to the neonCwra!!ed bo'es at the
other end of the room, .$e hae Christmas" &f wee gone through Christmas we can
do Aew =ears, too, and our birthdays, and & can show you my mole right now if you
3/
.And its neer enough, becauseJ the more & hae ofJ you the more &J reali(e that
&m still missingJ so much of youJ of usJ/
.$e can celebrate it together,/ Kyungsoo interru!ts, .$ell celebrate eerything
together, o%ayE 1%ayE Just, dont cry, Jongin3/
.=oure the oneJ crying, hyung"/
.Shut u!"/
.& dont want to die yet, hyung,/ Jongin chuc%les drily, dro!lets of li>uid rolling
down the creases of his eyes" Kyungsoo isnt sure if theyre the tears that hae fallen
onto him, or the tears that are falling out of him"
CC
#e cant tal% anymore, the headCnurse e'!lains in hushed whis!ers, as if it were
some terrible secret, his lungs dont su!!ly enough o'ygen as it is and its best not
to agitate him" +ut to Kyungsoo it doesnt really matter, because he doesnt need to
hear Jongin s!ea%" #e doesnt need to touch Jongin, either, or the see him" #e 2ust
needs to be near him" )o %now that Jongin is breathing, still, that Jongin can hear
him when he sings for him, that his li!s can twitch a little with eery lame 2o%e
Kyungsoo throws at him"
Kyungsoo doesnt really understand how he %nows this guy, or why his %nees
automatically buc% when he sees the strangers room number" )hen again, he
doesnt understand a lot of things" And by the number of >uestions Jongin !ass
him, scratched out slo!!ily oer little yellow stic%y notes, neither does Jongin"
#Bne day youll loo& to the bal!ony ne/t to yours and you wont see an asshole
draining !igarettes. During those days will you be sad8$
Kyungsoo loo%s u! from the note, blin%ing reluctantly, .&m already sad" & miss
seeing you on that balcony,/ and he doesnt fail to recogni(e the shoc% registering on
Jongins e'!ression"
#2ow did you &now that it was me8$ Jongin writes, so >uic%ly that the handwriting
is illegible but Kyungsoo %nows what hes as%ing, because hes as%ing the same
>uestion himself"
.&t was 2ust a feeling,/ Kyungsoo grins, and hes so glad that hes finally caught
something in memory" *aybe theye got ho!e after all" *aybe tomorrow Jongin
will get his lungs and Kyungsoo his memory, and the day after that they can tal%
about what they did tomorrow" About silly notes, trembling hands, glassy eyes"
)onight he goes home with Jongins name on his li!s" ,e!eating it li%e a !rayer,
again and again and again until its as natural as breathing, he carries it into his
dream, begs a million times for god to !lease at least let him %ee! the name" Please
at least let him hae Jongin, let him struggle out of those dreams without ta%ing
Jongin away" #e doesnt need to %now anything, not of their !ast or their future or
their irtues and ices" All he wants is 2ust a name" Any little !iece of Kim Jongin"
CC
$hen Kyungsoo wa%es u! he finds a whole assortment of crum!led stic%y notes in
his !oc%ets, littered in barely legible scribbles of !en and !encil" )heyre written by
a !racticed, albeit sha%en hand, with lines s!iraling and barely hanging on" #e
smoothes the first note oer his !alm, carefully smothering away the wrin%les"
#Do you thin& there is a god8$
#I0 theres a god, do you thin& hed give me some e/tra time8 It doesnt have to be a
lot. ust an e/tra wee&, or even day. -nything. I wouldnt mind an hour. - se!ond.
I want more time. I %ust want more time.$
#Youre !rying.$
#I shouldve stopped smo&ing earlier, huh8$
#7top being so brave, hyung.$
)he last note is green and, with edges fraying, corners dogCeared and yellowing,
clearly older than the other two" )he handwriting is more determined, !ressed
down with so much force that the words are !hysically im!rinted into the !a!er"
#oweer, its still distinct enough for him to recogni(e: #My name is ongin. Im the
writer who lives ne/t door. 7ee you tomorrow, hyung. Dont 0orgetE$
CC
Sometimes when Kyungsoo loo%s at Jongin in the hos!ital bed, hes not sure if hes
loo%ing at a reflection or the original" &ts almost as if time has worn away him from
the outside, turned him trans!arent, left 2ust enough of him to be a shadow"
Kyungsoo wants to tal% to him, but the nurse says that its unli%ely that Jongin can
manage, so he can only loo% down at the .Jongin/ scribbled loosely on the bac% of
his hand, and match it to the .Kim Jongin/ name!late hanging at the end of the bed"
)he seconds refract into %aleidosco!e souls oer the bedsheets, and Kyungsoo
counts them one by one as Jongin drags his body around" Feeble, whistling moans
inflate the hush between them as he lifts an arm, which Kyungsoo immediately
clas!s with both hands"
Jongins first murmurs are nearly indistinguishable from the gush of air rushing out
of his !lastic mas%, and he re!eats himself with !ainsta%ing determination until
Kyungsoo ma%es out, .$ill you be here tomorrowE/
.$hyE/
.+e here tomorrow, the thirteenth,/ the boy says, negotiating for each syllable with
dee! inhales of air, .1ur birthdayJ tomorrJ aerageJ twelfthJ fourteenthJ
thirteenJ/
Kyungsoo bal%s" Jongin win%s" Ierything ends too easily, but they hold it together
with a thin string of ho!e" Kyungsoo doesnt go home tonight" #e begs for the
nurses to let him stay oernight and by some miracle they relent, though they tell
him to %ee! >uiet, because Jongin needs his rest" +ecause Jongin is really hanging
onto life by nothing by that thin string of ho!e"
#e tries to stay u! all night, to be able to loo% Jongin in the eye tomorrow morning
and be the first to tell him, .#a!!y birthday, to Kim Jongin and Do Kyungsoo,/
without loo%ing at any notes" )omorrow he needs to sae Jongin" #e has to sae
him" ,emember him"
CC
Sunlight drifts into Kyungsoos dream, refracts into something cool and salty and
maybe inoling heels digging into the soft oerla! between ocean and beach" #e
turns and the wet sand transforms into cold linens"
$hen he o!ens his eyes the coc%tail of seagull wings and shades of blue is re!laced
by a frail green line 2um!ing through a blac% screen, a small window at the end of a
narrow hos!ital room, and !lastic floor tiles" Plastic eerything" &ts not his room,
and he has no idea how he could hae wo%en u! by a strangers bedside" )here are
words written on the bac% of his hand, a loose, fading .remember onginF our
birthday tomorrow .=D
th
anuary +(=G1./
Kyungsoo drags himself u!right, bac% crac%ing and nec% sore from slum!ing oer
the bed all night, and that is when he notices that the stranger on the bed has been
watching him, a twin%le of a smile lingering oer his indistinct features"
.#elloE/ Kyungsoo blin%s" )he stranger doesnt res!ond, though maybe the corner
of his eye flinches" *aybe his thumb twitches" Kyungsoo loo%s at the name!late on
the end of the bed" Kim Jongin"
)here is an unsettlingly een stream of air gushing in and out of a bi(arre metal
a!!aratus by the bedside" Kyungsoo traces his ga(e oer the !lastic e'tending out of
it and into Kim Jongins nose" #es about to as% a >uestion, !robably about the
strange message on his hand, when something stri%es him and he blurts a, .#a!!y
birthday, to us"/
)he stranger named Kim Jongin seems to ta%e an e'tra shar! gas! of air" #is hand
twitches in Kyungsoos gras!, and gradually, he falls bac% aslee!"
Kyungsoo almost begins thin%ing that its natural, that the stranger is !robably 2ust
tired, but the constant bee!ing from the monitor with green lines sto!s, and some
%ind of alarm goes off loud and noisy and a slew of doctors and nurses rushes inside
and shoulder him away, too far away, as they try to wa%e the stranger bac% u!" And
he reali(es that this is wrong" All of this is wrong" $rong
.Kim Jongin, time of death nine twentyCseen, January thirteenth, year twoC
thousand and fourteen" *onday"/ 3rong.
&ts not until Kyungsoo has made it out of the hos!ital that the tears slam him in the
face, %noc%s him off guard and shatters his whole body into a thousand irreersible
!ieces" #e has no idea why the world seems to hae ended on such a beautiful
January day, or why hes sobbing in the middle of the street as if tomorrow will
neer come" $hy the name on the bac% of his hand burns harder than any goodbye"
CC
&ts early Friday morning, second wee% of July, an hour when the world runs on
uncertain lam!lights, drun%en howls, and the occasional !unch of laughter" )here
are 2ust the two of them in the eleator at this hour"
#aing 2ust returned from the bar, Kyungsoo tries to fight off the coc%tail of
metallic smo%e and the thic% scent of alcohol caught in his hair" )he last ringlets of
sa'o!hone nestle oer his fingers and cin>uillo beat lingers under his s%in, but none
of it is really enough to distract him" +ut today he feels awfully em!ty, li%e someone
has ta%en him a!art while he was slee!ing, stolen something from his core, and !ut
the rest of him bac% together again"
)he stranger, with an unlit cigarette between his teeth, turns first" )he unflattering
eleator lighting ma%es him loo% tired, and thin, and generally awful" Kyungsoo
wonders, with the cin>uillo !ounding into his eins, if the mans s%in is as !lastic as
it seems"
.Are you Do KyungsooE/ )he stranger as%s, turning around 2ust in time for the
eleator to slide o!en"
.=es,/ Kyungsoo res!onds, hesitantly ste!!ing out with the other after him, .#ae
we met beforeE/
.Ao, not really,/ the stranger smiles, e'tending a hand, .&m 1h Sehun" & was Kim
Jongins editorE/
Something in Kyungsoo stirs, but not enough" .Aice to meet you"/
.&m %ind of busy, so &m 2ust going to cut this short,/ Sehun says, dislodging
something bul%y from his briefcase and handing it to Kyungsoo" &ts a noteboo%,
Kyungsoo reali(es, an old one weathered and dogCeared from use, smeared all oer
with runny in% and gra!hite, .)his is Jongins last noel" #andCwritten and
eerything" For you"/
Ientually Sehun disa!!ears down the corridors and Kyungsoo finds himself sitting
on the balcony, moonlight gra(ing the noteboo% in his la!" #e fli!s to the last !age
on a whim, 2ust to chec% if its a sad ending, because he doesnt li%e sad endings"
#My name is ongin. Im the writer who lives ne/t door. 7ee you tomorrow, hyung.
Dont 0orgetE$
Prologue: Daisies
SunOea setlost u!loi u KyungsooCo san, !relomi se u nePto hladno i slano, Pto
moQda u%l2uOu2e !ro!adan2e !eta u me%ano !re!litan2e !laQe i o%eana" Jedan o%ret,
i laQni !esa% !retori se u hladnu !ostel2inu"
Kada 2e otorio oOi, %o%tel od galeboih %rila i ni2ansi !lae (amen2en 2e taanicom,
metrima !renis%om, malim !ro(orom na %ra2u tesne sobice i ogul2enim drenim
das%ama is!od !ohabanih te!iha" )o 2e n2egoa soba, ia%o ne baP ona%a %a%a 2e
bila 2uOe, (ato Pto su sada (eleni !a!iriRi (ale!l2eni !re%o sa%og centimetra sa%og
(ida, Oi2eg se ras!oreSian2a on ne moQe setiti" Drugi slo2 Oine obo2eni (a!isi i
di2agrami, bro2ei i datumi" Poetarac !odignu (aese i (a%oitla (a!ise, !euPeRi
melodi2u usaglaPenu sa romin2a2em !a!irnog a!lau(a"
Pri(or 2e ne!o(nat, ali ne stran, %ao nePto Pto se sigurno ne%ada dogodilo i s%li(nulo
%ro( n2egou memori2u" *oQda 2e !roPao 2edan dan i(med2u 2uOe i danas" *oQda 2e
!roPlo iPe od 2ednog dana" Ae%a%o, on ne mora da !roOita !a!iriRe da bi (nao da Re
mu oni ob2asniti %oli%o 2e dana !roPlo i Pta bi trebalo danas da radi"
Ali Qute mrl2ice med2u (elenom, ne%e na !odu i (idu i stolu i 2edna na 2astu%u do
n2ega, na2iPe su ga (a!re!astile" ,u%o!is 2e drugaOi2i" Aema datuma" Samo reOi"
Kyungsoo se !ola%o !odboOi, !osegnu, i( nai%e, (a ruO%om noRnog stoOiRa %ad
s%li(nu i( %reeta" Tu!a te!ih is!od n2egoih nagih noQnih !rsti2u, miris 2utarn2e
%afe %o2a se %ua u %afeu ni( ste!enice" 1n !odignu Quti !a!iriR sa sog 2astu%a i
!roOita: "vo%e ime %e Do Kyungsoo. ImaH &rat&oroIni gubita& pamJen%a, anteneHto
amneCi%u, pa se neJeH seJati Hta se sinoJ desilo. Da ti pomognem"
Jedan na susednom 2astu%u: 7inoJ, stavio sam glavu na ova% %astu& i svo%e ru&e
o&o tvog stru&a. Mo%e ime %e ongin. Kovem te hyung. uIe si me voleo. Danas,
voleJeH me opet.
C *y name is Kim Jongin" & call you hyung"
=esterday you loed me" )oday, youNll loe me again"
1n %ora%nu una(ad, oOi2u Pirom otorenih" Jedna n2egoa !eta se nad2e na drugo2:
Bvde si me s&inuo.
Bvde sam %a tebe s&inuo, 2e ista%nuto na (idu, baP na rhu (elenog !a!iriRa %o2i
%aQe Mi%in ne sluLi viHe ri!e !a&es .).).+((,.1
Ae%oli%o centimetara !ored: I ovde, gurnuo sam te uCa Cid i pol%ubio %a&o, i
pomislili smo da bi trebalo da imamo se/"
Aa stolu sto2i: Bvde si sedeo, &lateJi nogama. 7tavio sam svo% dlan na tvo%e &oleno,
ti si se nagnuo napred i prvi me pol%ubio.
Kod P%rin2e na %ra2u n2egoog %reeta: 6riIali smo o baletu. "i si pevuHio melodi%u i
mo%i prsti su igrali arabesque ovde .%er %e tvo% pla0on preniCa&, i radi%e ne bih da
udarim glavu, o&e%1, grand jet na podu, fouett en tourant, i onda sissonne
na tvom potil%&u.
Aa ratima s!aaRe sobe: Bvde sam se naslonio i Iitao tvo%e papiriJe do& si ti Iistio
nevidl%ive nerede. 6omislih, sva ova Celena bo%a, iCgleda malo &ao trava, a trava %e
dosadna beC belih rada. 6a, nadam se da voliH Lutu.
Kad otori rata, ne%o ga (e%nu u Oelo: - evo ga i Kim ongin. KaLi mi Jao.
Kyungsoo !ogleda gore, (ureRi nesigurno u obrise oPtrih %l2uOnih %osti, !re!lanulu
%oQu, definisanu ilicu" *ilimetar u trenut%u" Aagon da (alu!i rata i !o(oe !olici2u
(e%nu ga u lice, 2er strana! %e u n%egovom stanu i ta% strana! mu %e napisao
nesumn%ivo %eCive poru&e.
Gust !uls i rtoglaica uOiniPe da mu se stoma% o%rene" Ae oseRa so2e !rste, ni
%olena" Ali, se dod2e na so2e mesto, s%oro %ao da 2e odue% ta%o trebalo da bude,
%ada n2egoe oOi o%r(nuPe glu!ai %e( i !ar blistaih oOi2u"
BUao, hyung". Jongin reOe, ugloi usana !oOePe da se s!uPta2u, mada mu 2e i(ra( lica i
dal2e me%an" A2ego glas 2e no, (acelo, i Kyungsoo ne moQe !reci(no !ri(ati %ada ga
2e Ouo, a%o ga 2e i%ad Ouo"
&!a%, s%oro da 2e i !reiPe !rirodno da !orati JonginCo osmeh sa siRuPnim B5drao.
i ne%a%o, slogoi sarPeno (uOe na n2egoom 2e(i%u, moQda (ato Pto 2e to eR re%ao
hil2adu !uta" *oQda (ato, Pto 2e to sud2eno"
Part one: 4ost and stuc%
Kyungsoo ima album sa licima i datumima" KolaQ sli%a sa %rat%im reOenicama
na!isanim is!od n2ih" 1o 2e 5itao, noi %onobar, radi Oetrt%om noRnu smenu 67"
2un 89:9";< eo ga =ifan, model %o2i (ahtea B,ha!sody in +lue. sa%e nedel2e sa
suim is%i2em u ruci 6:?" decembar 899?";< eo +ae%hyunCa, ali on se odselio 67" 2ul
899@";" 1o 2e re(ime Do KyungsooCa: %omPi2e, !o(nanici, stari !ri2atel2i, noi
stranci, !ri%a(an hirurP%i !reci(no"
+li(u %ra2a, nala(i se fotografi2a !ogrbl2ene figure, naslon2ene na cigleni (id, sa 2ednim
sai2enim %olenom, do% drugo !odu!ire Oitau n2egou teQinu" Cigareta do%ono
miru2e i(med2u dugih, tan%ih !rsti2u" *onohromats%e sie sablasti duQ n2egoog lica"
+eli dim %o2i se %oitla i( ugloa n2egoih usana, Piri se %ro( %osu i romin2a2uRu %iPu u
Oudan oseRa2 usaml2enosti"
De reOi su ure(ane is!od" KomHi%a, puHi.
-
Datum na noinama 2e :8" 2ul 89:8" Ali, Kyungsoo se moQe (a%leti da 2e te% 8D"
noembar 899@" bio 2uOe" A2egoa ma2ica (au(ima dobru Oetrtinu sli%e sa naslone
strane" A2egoa omil2ena ma2ica" 1na %o2u 2e dobio 2er 2e bio radni% nedel2e, sa ruOno
uPienim Pororo logom, u so2 so2o2 slai na naslono2 !riOi"
4etimiOno s%enira2uRi naslo B*asian nered u centru SeoulCa, i(a(an %iPom noca.,
Kyungsoo se o!et fo%usira na sli%u" )o 2e nesumn2io n2egoa ma2ica, ona %o2u nosi
u!rao sada, u %o2o2 se !re 89 minuta i(al2ao i( %reeta, (a!rao" Preci(ni2e, ona
ma2ica (a %o2u ne moQe da se seti da 2e nosio u ne%om s%u!om !ot%rol2u, gde 2e
oOigledno sli%a sniml2ena"
Prema Olan%u BHaQeni !isac, Kim Jongin, u!rao 2e !oloQio %auci2u (bog remeRen2a
2anog reda, na%on Pto 2e dosloce na!raio olu2u od noOanica od :99 i :999 wonCa,
baciPi ih %ro( !ro(or sog !ot%rol2a sa neimenoanim sauOesni%om" Aa(aPi to
B%onfete od mili2ardu wonCa., i(a(ao 2e na2eRi (asto2 u saobraRa2u u istori2i SeoulCa,
efe%tno blo%ira2uRi ulice u radi2usu od 8 %ilometra, do% su stanonici grada !ohitali
da sa%u!e noac."
Kyungsoo reOe, %ad RuPnu noine is!od *inseo%Coog lica, BAacionalne noosti
(bi2a2u detal2no ra(raSene Pale oih dana, ali, gde su naPli mo2u ma2icuE.
*inseo% se namrPti !ogledaPi Olana%, i 2oP ise !ogledaPi KyungsooCa, a onda baci
!ogled na drugi %ra2 bara" Kyungsoo 2e !reiPe (au(et !ononim Oitan2em Olan%a i
!roeraan2em so2e ma2ice da bi to !rimetio" Da bi !rimetio da 2e ne%o i(u(etno
dobro obuOen smePten u uglu *inseo%Coih ras%olaOenih oOi2u, ne%o %o %ri2e smePa%
i(a OaPe is%i2a"
C
Pri !ut su se sreli, Kyungsoo misli, u liftu" Peta% 2e, rano 2utro, :G" 2ul, reme %ada 2e
set !re!un ne!ou(danih uliOnih setala, !i2anih urli%a i !oremenih na!ada smeha"
H oom trenut%u, tu su samo n2ih do2e, i nametl2ia tiPina"
Ka%o se te% ratio i( bara, Kyungsoo !o%uPaa da se oslobodi %o%tela od metalnog
dima i gustog mirisa al%ohola uhaRenog u n2egoo2 %osi" Posledn2i tonoi sa%sofona
ugn2e(diPe se u n2egoim enama, ali ni ra(laOen2e cinquillo ta%ta !od n2egoom
%oQom ni2e dool2no da !o!uni !onor i(med2u n2ega i stranca"
Stranac, sa ne(a!al2enom cigaretom i(med2u (uba, !ri se o%renu" Ae!ri2atno
osetl2en2e u liftu, !o%ri ga Qutom bo2om i teP%im elom mrtila" Kyungsoo se u!ita,
sa ritmom %o2i i dal2e tuOe u n2egoim enama, da li 2e %oQa oog Ooe%a starno
!lastiOna %ao Pto i(gleda"
BKruRe" Kreme" KruRe 2e"., on reOe, !ruQa2uRi ru%u %o2u Kyungsoo sa o%lean2em
uhati" A2ego stisa% 2e i(nenad2u2uRe hladan, dugi !rsti, i no%ti iseOeni %rat%o i oPtro,
%oQa (ategnuta !re%o %oPOatih (globoa"
BHm,. Kyungsoo i(usti, %ad uhati stranca %a%o (uri u n2egoo lice" ,u%oan2e mu se
od2ednom uOini %ao o!re(na !rocena, a ne %ao obiOno u!o(naan2e" Pre (astraPu2uRe
nego na!eto, iPe uQasno nego ne!ri2atno"
&(med2u P%ri!e lifta i !uc%etan2a fluorescentne si2alice, KyungsooCo glas i(aSe %ao
%ri%, da tona iPi nego Pto bi trebalo da bude: BDa, ruRe 2e eOeras".
Stranac niPta ne reOe" Hmesto toga, on se nasloni (a (idoe lifta i !oOe da (uri, oOima
%o2e tre!ere duQ KyungsooCoe figure" )o 2e ta%a ne%i !ogled da natera KyungsooCa
da se !ouOe i(a so2e 2a%ne, mada mu tana% slo2 %aPmira malo moQe !omoRi da se
sa%ri2e od fi%siranog (eran2a oog drugog" Kreme sto2i na !rstima do% se rata ne
otoriPe i Kyungsoo is!usti dahta2 a(duha, nesestan da ga 2e (adrQaao"
)e% %asni2e, do% 2e hodao hodnicima i !rimetio da stranac ide (a n2im, te% tada 2e
shatio da oo eroatno ni2e !ri !ut da su se sreli"
BDa li te (nam odne%udE., on na!o%on u!ita, glas muOno od2e%u2e hodnicima"
Stranac se (austai na susednim ratima, rteRi %l2uOee o%o %aQi!rsta" 1ds2a2
meseOine odbi se od neOega na n2egoom odelu" Kyungsoo !rimeti !ar dugmadi (a
manQetne, blistaih, i re%ao bi, s%u!ih, !reiPe s%u!ih da bi !ri!adali ne%ome %o Qii
u re(idenci2i %ao oa"
BDa liE., stranOee usne oformiPe (lo%oban smePa%"
Kyungsoo se ne seRa da 2e naiPao na n2egoo lice do% 2e !relistaao %n2igu seRan2a
rani2e" *oQda 2e !res%oOio stranicu" DogaSalo se i rani2e" HQurbano !osegnu (a
torbom, ali ga u(i% smeha (austai, B5naOi nisi se Palio u e(i amne(i2e".
BVtaE.
B&nteresantno" Kul" Starno" Tega se !osledn2eg seRaPE., stranac ga !re%ide, oOigledno
be( Qurbe, nasloniPi se na rata, !osmatraPi %a%o Kyungsoo nes!retno o!i!aa
brau"
Ta% i u mra%u, setlucan2e sadistiO%e ra(onode i( n2egoog %e(a 2e i(ra(ito" )o uOini
da i(gleda stari2e nego Pto 2este, s%oro tuQno"
Kyungsoo 2e toli%o ra(miPl2ao da 2e (aboraio da odgoori, i do% se o%renuo, stranac
2e eR nestao"
C
Sreli su se o!et, !ri !ut, na ste!enicama" Ponedel2a% 2e" Aalet etra odua !osledn2e
(ra%e meseOine" Kyungsoo hita na !osao u fabrici, do% Ooe% sa ne(a!al2enom
cigaretom i(med2u usana %oraOa %a gore" A2ihoi !ogledi se sudariPe, i moQda se
n2ihoa ramena o%r(nuPe, i to 2e dool2no (a KyungsooCa da se (aledi"
Ali Ooe% ne odo2i ni se%undu da !rimeti KyungsooCo (a!an2en !ogled"
Jednostano 2e nastaio da se !en2e, (adihano, bledog lica, sa %a!l2icama (no2a"
Kyungsoo !osmatra %a%o mu se noge %lima2u i tre!ere sa sa%im %ora%om, %ao da
iPe nisu dool2no 2a%e da !ot!ore ogromnu, neidl2iu teQinu na n2egoim
ramenima" Kao da bi se (atresao i sruPio sa na2man2im golican2em !oetarca" S%oro 2e
eliOansteno %a%o sloml2eno n2egoa led2a i(gleda2u i( oog ugla, t%anina i(dubl2ena
!re%o seOia od %osti2u, oPtri ugloi i tan%e lini2e" Pomisli da bi moQda mogao da sli%a
oog Ooe%a, ali ne (na %a%o bi o(naOio tu sli%u, a i eR %asni na !osao, ta%o da
nastal2a da trOi"
C
5a KyungsooCa, leta u !redgrad2u SeoulCa su saOin2ena od me((o glasoa %o2i se niQu
do dubo%o u noR, %artons%ih %uti2a !unih odbaOenih ograOa%a, bl2u(gaice od crenog
!asul2a i naboranih noina is!od me%ih !ol2ubaca !raPine" Sada ima iPe unosa u
n2egoom albumu" A2ego Qiot 2e na2e(da %olona crnih (a!isa: 5itao i =ifan su sada
iPe od !ri2atel2a< *inseo% 2e !ronaPao nou melodi2u< stranac Qii u u!raQn2enom
stanu naleo, i, moQda su !riOali rani2e"
C
Sreli su se !osledn2i od !rih !uta %ada 2e Kyungsoo otorio so2a rata i naPao se
licem u lice sa ogromnim, !roPirenim (enicama"
BUao., Ooe% se is%e(i, cigareta se mlitao %lati u uglu n2egoih usana, B*o2e ime 2e
Kim Jongin" Ja sam !isac" ,omano!isac" Preselio sam se u stan !ored !re nedel2u
dana" 5bog ins!iraci2e, umePnosti, ot%rian2a siromaPta, i(begaan2a rul2e noinara i
ta%o dal2e" Poenta 2e, !riOali smo rani2e" Da !uta".
B1h., Kyungsoo mu smesta dobaci so2 uobiOa2en odgoor, B&(ini, imam
anterogradnu amne(i2u, !a ne""".
BAe seRaP me se" 5nam" 5aboral2aP se na %ra2u sa%og dana !a me se neReP seRati
sutra".
Jongin na!rai %ora% una(ad, !ribliQi !lamen i( u!al2aOa cigareti, dubo%o udahnu i
is!usti gust, beli dim" BAego, sluPa2, treba da !redam ru%o!is som uredni%u, 1h
SehunCu, da ga !o(na2eP, (nao bi %a%a 2e %reten, ali !oenta 2e: a%o ne nabaim nePto
(a mesec dana, (ocaRe mi %ao !raa %uO%a, a da budem is%ren, nemam ide2a" Ali ne
(a!rao" &mam ide2u" A ta ide2a u%l2uOu2e""".
Do% se ni2e (a%aPl2ao, Kyungsoo ni2e shatio da ni2e disao se reme, BDa, hm,
u%l2uOu2e PtaE.
B)ebe., Jongin se osmehnu"
A2ego osmeh 2e ta%a da se samo n2egoe usne !omera2u na gore, !a 2e se Pto
Kyungsoo moQe ideti !rele!a sli%a s%u!e uPtir%ane bele %oPul2e i iscerene !atn2e"
*nogo bola umotano u red (uba" Aa2le!Pi !ridei da obeleQe na!uPtenu duPu,
na2neQni2i e!iteti da otore (atoreno srce"
Kyungsoo (a!isa to na !olaroidnu sli%u Jongina %o2u 2e snimio to eOe" Bvo %e
ongin, novi &omHi%a, pisa!, tuLan osmeh .=>. %ul +(=+1. ImaJemo interv%ue. Bn Leli
da napiHe &n%igu o meni.
-
)o%om eOere u sredu, Kyungsoo odluOi da 2e, ia%o su n2egoi dneni rituali
2ednostani i !onal2a2u se, na2bol2e ta%o" A2egoo !amRen2e ne tra2e dool2no dugo
da bi on mogao da !rati dugoroOne !romene, a i ni2e %ao da moQe da se umori radeRi
nePto Oega se, u sa%om sluOa2u, neRe seRati"
BPa Pta onda radiPE., Jongin se ubaci, sa olo%om i(a ueta i 2oP 2ednom i(med2u
!rsti2u"
Kyungsoo reOe da radi u fabrici igraOa%a od ? do W, le!i male s2a2ne mermerne oOi na
li%oe i( crtaRa" Dah i(ePtaOenosti (a is%ru Qiota" Posao 2e is%l2uOio (a finansi2s%u
!ot!oru, ia%o Kyungsoo misli da se moQda e(ao (a %olege i !liPane igraO%e, me%ane
materi2ale, eOite edre osmehe" 5arad2u2e dool2no (a i(na2ml2ian2e stana i
neo!hodne !otre!Ptine" *ada, to 2e o%e2, 2er X ueOe !o!ral2a se" H X, on ide u bar,
negu2e !rola(ne melodi2e i( so2e duPe" )ehniO%i, radi se o staloQenom s%u!l2an2u
%usura usred !i2anog haosa, ali (a KyungsooCa, reO 2e o obli%oan2u reOi niot%uda,
oblacima dima i mu(ici od %o2e se 2eQi, (atorenim oOima i slabim u(dasima
!ril2ubl2enim u( o!il2%e na te!isima" Se 2e o mu(ama %o2e %li(e %ro( n2egoe !rste i
ui2a2u o%o n2egoih nogu" Sedam 2e u e(i strasti" Sna"
Kyungsoo do!usti da sih 897 %osti2u !adne u mestu %ad udahnu, B*oQda 2e to
nedostata% Qiahnosti, !ret!ostal2am" Ali teP%o 2e osetiti nedostata%, %ad ni%ad nisi
osetio Qiahnost".
B5naOi, ti si %ao hoda2uRi leP".
BKiPe hoda2uRi fosil".
*inseo%, n2ego drug i( detin2sta i %olega i( bara, ue% se Pali %a%o 2e (a KyungsooCa
reme stalo !re D godine, !a on ne!restano ima 89 godina" Ali to i ni2e Pala, a i l2udi
su dano !restali da se sme2u tome"
BJa mislim da 2e smePno., Jongin !rimeti, is!uPta2uRi !i%aac u limen%u sa !iom !re
nego !o!i uaQeni gutl2a2" Kyungsoo !o%uPa da se ne !ita %a%og 2e u%usa, ni%otin i
duan %o2i tonu u PiPta2uRu !Penicu" Hmesto toga, on (airi u JonginCo blo%OiR (a
beleP%e i male neOit%e lini2e crnog mastila o!ruQene na iicama" Jongin ob2asni da su
one (a %n2igu %o2u !iPe" 42ubana !riOa o Ooe%u %o2i briPe sebe na %ra2u sa%og dana"
KyungsooCu ni2e 2asna l2ubana !riOa u semu oome" Jongin reOe da ne brine, !isci
su di!lomirani seratori, ubi2eP ne%oga i (arPiRe se romantiOno"
Sreli su se drugi !ut !re 89 minuta, %ada se Jongin naPao is!red KyungsooCoih rata
sa cigaretom i(med2u mlitaih !rsti2u" BUao, 2a sam Jongin, to2 noi %omPi2a" Sreli
smo se !re""". Kyungsoo br(o !osegnu (a so2im albumom i Jongin reOe, BJa sam na
!osledn2o2 strani, mislim""" *oma% u odelu".
Kyungsoo (uri u sli%u, !a na(ad u JonginCa i 89 minuta %asni2e, eo ih, sede na
!oQarnim ste!enicama, !riOa2u o eli%im filo(ofi2ama i sarPenim romansama"
A2ihoi (globoi i ramena se sudara2u, Pto Oini da se Kyungsoo oseRa nelagodno, a 2oP
iPe to Pto JonginCa to uo!Pte ne brine" 5a!rao, Jongin ne i(gleda %ao ti! %o2i brine
(a bilo Pta"
BKa%o to misliP smePno 2eE.
B+itni2e 2e, %a%o se ti oseRaP 2er si ne!restano 89CgodiPn2a%E.
Kyungsoo ra(misli, BDobro".
BAli, ni2e li to gro(noE )i si (atoOen u remenu, a ono nastal2a dal2e" Ae moQeP da se
setiP l2udi %o2i dola(e ili odla(e" Set se sman2u2e o%o tebe do% si ti u centru" Si to2i
stari !ri2atel2i Re otiRi ili umreti, a ti ne moQeP da oformiP noa !ri2atel2sta" Ae moQeP
da oliP" Ae moQeP da mr(iP".
B5aPto 2e to onda smePnoE.
B)oli%o 2e tuQno da 2e smePno., Jongin slegnu ramenima" B42udi su s%loni da se
oseRa2u loPe (bog 2adnih, be(a(lenih duPa %ao Pto si ti" AoseRi breme eRe od Qiota sa
ambici2ama man2im od istog" Kao da gledaP mraa %a%o umire !od mi%ros%o!om, i
riPtiP ushiReno (bog tuge" )o 2e urnebesno" Dobro, 2a Qiim od is%oriPRaan2a toga, ali
2e i dal2e urnebesno".
Jongin ugasi %ra2 cigarete i oni se fo%usiraPe na !e!eo %o2i, %oitla2uRi se, !ade tri
s!rata niQe" Poetarac" Jongin udiPe leto, i(diPe to%sine" Kyungsoo !oOe da OaO%a rSu
na OeliOnim ste!enicama !re nego Pto reOe, odluOno, nePto (a Pta ni2e siguran da li 2e
imao nameru da %aQe, B5uOiP ta%o mi(erno".
BKao i si !isci".
BJe lN (bog toga !uPiP toli%oE.
Jongin na!isa neob%aHn%ivo dobri 7amariJanin i shodno tome, n%uH&alo u %oloni
odmah is!od osobine li&ova. Pretara2uRi se da to ne idi, Kyungsoo !oOe da ga gur%a
da mu odgoori, do% se na %ra2u Jongin ne !o%ori sa !odrugl2iim osmehom, BAe
moraP da (naP" 5aPto ne bismo !riOali malo o tome %a%o !ratiP""".
BAe., Kyungsoo mu Orsto odbrusi, BAe, Qelim da (nam".
BSluPa2, %n2iga 2e o tebi""".
BAli oa2 ra(goor 2e o nama".
S!ustiPi so2u glau, Jongin !romrml2a nePto, !re nego 2e !odignu sa be(i(raQa2nim
osmehom, B1%e2, o nama".
B&ona%o Ru to sutra (aboraiti., Kyungsoo ga !odseti"
JonginCoa brana !ro!usti !o!lau gorOine, B,eRi Ru ti (aPto sam mi(eran., on
!ogleda negde u dal2inu i to 2e trenuta% %ad se se ras!alo, Bimam idio!athic
!ulmonery fibrosis" )o (naOi da se mo2a !luRa uta!a2u" Hmirem" )o me Oini 2ebeno
mi(ernim, o%e2E.
5u%oi uliOnih !rodaaca, saobraRa2a i dece %o2a se igra2u od2ednom !ostaPe
nei(drQio tihi" Kyungsoo (uri u so2e (globoe i oseRa %a%o mu %r 2uri telom, B&(ini,
2a""" 2a nisam (nao da""".
BDrugim reOima, +og me guPi u slow motionCu" Kro( tri godine, mo2e srce Re se
is%ositi, trudeRi se da !um!a dool2no %iseoni%a %ro( mo2e telo" 1rgani Re mi
ot%a(ati" AeRu moRi da 2edem, 2er, %a%o moQeP da 2edeP %ada diPeP na slam%uE & (aPto
!uPim, !itaPE 5aPto !uPim" 5aPtoE.
Kyungsoo i dal2e gleda u so2e (globoe %o2i su !ot!uno be( %ri" Yeli da se oo (arPi"
Yao mu 2e" Yao mu 2e i ne ra(ume, ali Jongin ni ne Qeli da on ra(ume"
BPuPim da bih umro Pto brQe., Jongin %limnu glaom, gooreRi o mi(eri2i u formi
dis%ur(ine sie, BAli, to ni2e smePno, (naP" )o 2e 2ednostano tuQno" Ja sam
na2tuQni2e biRe na !laneti" +edno, ni2e liE. Pisa% suog smeha ubaci se u 2ednobo2ni
bes" BAah, samo te (a2ebaam" Jeste smePno" SmePno 2e 2er 2e mo2 Qiot !un ooga:
misliP da si uma%ao do% ne naletiP na sebe" 8G godine %asni2e, is!ostal2a se da 2e
na2duQi (aobila(ni !ut, na2%raRi !ut do %uRe, a 2a trOim u %rug se reme" Praa
!obuna, (ar neE.
Ai2edan od n2ih do2e se ne sme2e, mada Jongin fr%nu %ada Kyungsoo (arPi se sa
blagim, B5aboraiRu do sutra".
&nter2u im 2e traRio reme do X" Kyungsoo !ea eOeras, %ao i sa%e eOeri, ali reOi i
note dola(e i( n2egoih usta, a ne i( srca i 2edina star %o2e se seRa 2e dim" )eOna bol
%o2a curi i( JonginCoih Paoa"
StiQe %uRi u !ola :8 i le!i !a!iriR na (id, setlo Quta bo2a (e%nuta u centar da 2e sutra
ne bi !romaPio ACmi igraI&u sa posla. Bstavi %e pred stanom pored .=@. %ul +(=+1.
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Kyungsoo stiQe %uRi i( bara, da dana %asni2e, i (atiOe Porora !red ratima sog stana"
)o 2e ista igraO%a %o2u on !roPia na !oslu, i, a%o dobro !ogleda, bio bi s%oro siguran
da 2o2 2e on (ale!io oOi, 2er 2e on 2edini %o2i nanosi le!a% na ta2 naOin" &s!od, nala(i se
(ahalnica na %o2o2 2e na!isano, srditim crnim mastilom 7aLal%en%e %e %ebeno s&upo
od ne&oga &ome ne moLe biti stalo.
1n nema !redstau Pta te reOi (naOe, ali bol u n2egoom srcu 2e !reglasan da bi ga
(anemario" 1d2ednom, si ritmoi i melodi2e i(bledePe u !ora(nu tiPinu" 42uRu od
ra(oOaren2a, gorOu od samoRe" KeOeras, susedni a!artman (u2i od !is%aog,
neu2ednaOenog smeha, %o2i (uOi malo %ao 2eca2" *noPto glasoa, ne2asnih u(i%a
B4uhan, Jongin, Sehun. is!od Qagora !oluC!ra(nih flaPa is%i2a i ot%e" Do% 2e
!rola(io da i(baci smeRe, Kyungsoo s!a(i G !rele!a li%a i(a (aesa, oPtar blesa%
setlosti i o!or miris al%ohola, !arfema i lu%su(a"
A2ego a!artman i(gleda !usto, naroOito u oo reme" *agla 2e !rogutala se (idoe i
RoP%oe" 1n !re!isa se so2e beleP%e na (elene, umesto !laih !a!iriRa i !eta% !roSe
u( tiho P%l2ocan2e hemi2s%e"
C
&a%o se, tehniO%i, Kyungsoo ne moQe setiti da 2e u!o(nao oog !isca %o2i drQi ono Pto
bi bila !eta cigareta u sat remena, na %artici u n2egoo2 ruci !iPe da bi trebalo da
ima2u redone inter2ue" *ada, !ored %artica, on Cna da ga 2e u!o(nao rani2e" )a
misao ni2e i(nenad2u2uRa, (a!rao, niPta ni2e, moQda (bog (br%ane i(maglice od dima
%o2a stal2a se an fo%usa: Pol2e (a %afu, laQne !ro(ore i !ohabane iice !iPOee
ses%e< se 2e us!oreno, ublaQeno, (atu!l2eno"
Pisac !uPi, i Kyungsoo oseti stran, !ra(an !ogled na sebi" Kao da se nePto u n2emu
slama !ola%o, dubo%o, ne!oratno"
KafiR, eOeri 8:" 2ula, moQe se o!isati %ao tiho (ec%an2e !orcelans%ih Pol2a,
ne!restano (u2an2e umornih studenata, mrmor Plaga u %a!uRinu" Ai2e naroOito
glasno, ali bu%a 2e ta%a da moQe da te !roguta, %ao Qii !esa%" )oneP !ola%o, do% ne
ostane niPta osim !rsti2u i mehuriRa a(duha na !orPini"
Kyungsoo se u!ita da li si !isci i(gleda2u oa%o, tamne %ese is!od oOi2u, ten nePto
i(med2u bele i Qute, !oremeni tr(a2i obra" Pitan2e se stro!oPta %ad !isac ugasi
cigaretu i uhati KyungsooCo !ogled" Jedna duga, Orsta lini2a od 2ednog !ara oOi2u
do drugog"
BJe lN si dobroE., !isac, %o2i se !redstai %ao Jongin, u!ita Qustro"
1n i(gleda %ao da nema ni remena ni str!l2en2a da !rihati bilo %a%u alternatiu,
!a Kyungsoo samo %limnu, BDa, dobro sam".
B,eci mi nePto iPe o nesreRi %o2a se dogodila !re Oetiri godine" &li, dobro, 2uOe, %a%o ti
to !amtiP"., Jongin reOe sa nagoePta2em nero(e u glasu" Kyungsoo ne moQe a da ne
!rimeti ruQne (ao2e !re%o n2egoih (globoa" 1d2ednom se u!ita, da li 2e to uo!Pte
star !isaca, te besne oOi, %rai (globoi i nehotiOno tr(an2e"
B+ila 2e obiOna nesreRa., Kyungsoo !oOe" &a%o ne moQe da se seti da su dani !roPli od
te eOeri, ne%a%o, Po%a iPe nema" BKraRao sam se %uRi i( fabri%e, one u %o2o2 sada
radim, i udario me 2e %amion" Preo(io 2e 2abu%e" 1ne crene".
B1due% si radio u fabriciE.
B1d %ad sam na!unio :@ godina" 5a!oslio sam se Oim sam (arPio sredn2u P%olu"
*ama mi 2e !reminula, a tata 2e bio bolestan, !a sam morao da""".
BDa, da, o%e2., Jongin se ubaci" Kyungsoo s!a(i ogorOeni i(gled JonginCoog lica i
htede da !rigoori, 2er ne, to ni2e ti!iOna tuQna !riOa o 2oP 2ednom detetu %o2e i(igraa
hero2a" )o 2e !riOa o !orodici i to!lini i teP%o (arad2enim %olaOiRima !ored bolniO%og
%reeta i bro2an2u %a!l2ica infu(i2e"
Ali Jongin ni2e ras!oloQen (a !o2aPn2en2e, B5naOi, da nisi bio ta%o odgoorno dete,
!ostao bi !eaOE.
BPret!ostal2am".
B& onda te 2e udario %amion" Strahoita sreRa., Jongin se naPali i mahnito i(greba
nePto u som blo%Oetu"
Kyungsoo !oOe da gric%a so2u don2u usnu, loPa nai%a, BJe lN si""" l2utE.
BAe., Jongin odbrusi" Kyungsoo uRuta i Jongin !roOita sledeRe !itan2e, 2eda
gleda2uRi i(nad so2e olo%e, BKa%o !ratiP !romene u QiotuE Yelim se detal2e".
B1biOno sli%am noe l2ude %o2e sretnem, (ale!im sli%e u album i na!iPem Pta sam
nauOio o n2ima" Ponoo Oitam se na !oOet%u, a aQuriram na %ra2u sa%og dana"
Druge stari !iPem na (idoima i u ro%oni%u" Priremena dePaan2a !iPem !o
le!l2iim !a!iriRima i (ale!im gde god" 1biOno na (idoe".
BJe lN ti se dePaa da moraP !onoo da uOiP ne%e stariE Aa !rimer, a%o danas nauOiP
%a%o da dod2eP u %afiR, do sutra ReP eR (aboraiti %a%o da dod2eP !onooE.
BPa ne" *ogu da (a!amtim odgoore" Samo ne mogu da (a!amtim %a%o sam ih
nauOio" Sutra, neRu se seRati da sam !ePaOio do ode sa tobom" Samo Ru (nati gde 2e
oo mesto".
B5godno".
BJe lN starno nisi l2utE.
BAe".
BHo!PteE.
BSluPa2, !iPemo o tebi" ,oman o tebi" #a2de da ne !riOamo o meni, o%e2E.
B5aPto si l2utE.
Jongin slegnu ramenima i is!usti ses%u, olo%u, se u( (e%et" )rl2a2uRi hra!ae
ru%e, on se ogorOeno (agleda u KyungsooCa, !a !romrsi, BProblemi" 1%e2E 42udi sa
starnim seRan2ima ima2u !robleme".
BA%o ti treba ne%o da !o!riOaP sa n2im o tim !roblemima, (naP da sam 2a""".
B)i si sarPen (a istresan2e, narano, (ato Pto te niPta ne moQe o!teretiti, (ato Pto se
2ebeno neReP seRati, 2e lN daE.
Kyungsoo ima ne%i ne2asan oseRa2 u creima da 2e Jongin moQda re%ao tu reOenicu
!reiPe !uta" *oQda su eR bili u oo2 situaci2i: Jongin frustriran na iici umetnosti i
realnosti, Kyungsoo (bun2en i (abrinut, !o%uPaa da !omogne ali nema !redstau
%a%o"
B&(ini., Kyungsoo reOe, %onaOno, ne s%ida2uRi !ogled sa JonginCoih !rsti2u %o2i
drhte" BH !rau si, i(ini a%o sam te oo !itao i !re, i samo te !odseRam na nePto
nemilo, starno nisam""".
B,u%e., Jongin od2ednom !relomi" KyungsooCu 2e trebalo remena da !re!o(na
n2ego glas, ni(a%, monoton i gro(no tih" ,as!rPu2e se %ro( a(duh %ao etar"
BSluPa2, mo2 Qiot 2e o ru%ama" 1 guran2u to2ih sarPenih ru%u ni( mo2e grlo" 1
sec%an2u mo2e duPe !arom s%u!ih ru%aica" Se 2e o ru%ama" ,ane od no%ti2u u
obli%u !olumeseca" *astilom ra(mrl2ani otisci !rsti2u !o bedrima" Pesnicama
smrs%ani odra(i i(a tan%og slo2a bo2e i sta%la" ,u%e, ru%e, ru%e".
Kyungsoo !o!i gutl2a2 %afe, i i(in2aa2uRi se osmehnu, B& dal2e ne""".
BHmirem, o%e2E.
Kyungsoo se oseti %ao da ima oloo umesto srca, %ad Jongin nastai, sa obamrloPRu
Ooe%a %o2i 2e ob2aio istu star eR hil2adu !uta, B+iRu mrta (a tri godine, moQda
de" Keroatno man2e" Ali (naP, l2udi me neRe oleti %ad budem mrta" )o 2e
Oin2enica" 42udi Re me saQal2eati" 1boQaati" Slaiti" ,eRi da sam geni2e, da 2e mo2
Qiot bio umetniO%a !redstaa" & Pta da radim sa timE *ogu li to da !rodamE *ogu li
2a da imam buduRnost i le!u belu %uRu i da se !re!irem o tome %o2e bil2e da staim u
doriPteE.
JonginCoe oOi su crene" Hsne su bele" )iPina 2e crna"
BJe lN (naP Pta 2a mislimE., Kyungsoo nema !o2ma Pta goori, reOi same i(la(e, BJa
mislim da si ti 2ednostano u!laPen".
Jongin uRuta ne%o reme, ne s%ida2uRi !ogled sa so2e ses%e, a onda !rogoori, sa
!ogledom i dal2e fi%siranim na sesci, BA%o moQeP da !oratiP seRan2a %a%o da uradiP
nePto, moQeP li !oratiti i oseRan2aE A%o se (al2ubiP u ne%u deo2%u danas, hoReP li 2e
oleti sutraE.
BAe (nam., Kyungsoo o!et !oOe da QaRe so2u don2u usnu, BAli !ret!ostal2am da,
a%o ne mogu da se setim da sam uradio bilo Pta sa n2om, onda""" onda (a!rao ne
mogu, 2er, ne moQeP oleti ne%oga %oga se ne seRaP, (ar neE Ai2e li l2uba (asnoana
na seRan2ima i !ostu!cimaE.
BDa li 2eE.
Kyungsoo se u(r!ol2i, B& dal2e si l2utE.
BAe".
B)i""" Ja""" nisam to2 !ri2atel2""" Ai tera!eut" Ai""" !ret!ostal2am da ne mogu biti
%alifi%oan ni %ao !o(nani%, ali Jongin"""., Kyungsoo !oOe da (amuc%u2e, nesiguran
u e(i onoga Pto goori, B*oQeP da !riOaP sa mnom" Ja te neRu osuSiati" Ae mogu da
%aQem da se ra(umem, ali""" 2a""" (ar se ne bi oseRao bol2e a%o""".
BHmu%ni., Jongin !uOe, oOi2u i dal2e !riOrPRenih (a ses%u, BAe drQi mi !redaan2e".
BAe, Jongin, samo sam""".
BAemaP !raa da !ret!ostal2aP (bog Oega Ru se oseRati bol2e 2er ti ne ra(umeP bol"
5aPto misliP da moQeP da me osud2u2ePE Ae moQeP ni da oliP" Sam si re%ao" Ae moQeP
da oliP, !a ne moQeP biti !ored2en" Sutra ReP se !robuditi i se Re biti 2ebeno su!er"
Se Re biti 2ebeno ba2no %ao Pto 2e ue% i bilo i he2, da li !omisliP da si 2edino ti sreRan
sa%i dan 2er si (aboraio sa%i !ut %ada si !oredio ne%og drugogE Da li !omisliP na
toE Vta a%o si !oredio ne%oga 2uOeE Aormalni l2udi bar ima2u dosto2ansta da
oseRa2u %riicu" )i ne moQeP da oseRaP, ne moQeP to da ra(umeP, Do Kyungsoo, 2er ti,
si, samo, hoda2uRi leH..
Kad Kyungsoo oseti da nePto %a!l2e i( n2egoih oOi2u, Jongin 2e eR tresnuo ses%om i
od2urio i( %afiRa"
&s!ostal2a se da ses%a (a!rao i nema ni%a%e (a!ise"
C
B&(gledaP !otiPteno., *inseo% !ro%omentarisa 2edan dan, !red %ra2 2ula" Do% su
Oe%ali da mu(iOari ot!a%u2u i naPtimu2u instrumente, on se o%renu %a KyungsooCu,
!odignutih obra, BVta se desiloE.
Kyungsoo se namrPti, !riseRa2uRi se se do trenut%a %ada 2e ustao i( %reeta i
odmahnu glaom, BAiPta" &mao sam s%ro( normalan dan" VtoE.
BAe (nam., *inseo% slegnu ramenima, B&(gledaP !reiPe o(bil2no".
Do% se Kyungsoo !ita (aPto i(gleda o(bil2no %ada su si ostali sarPeno l2uba(ni,
*inseo% Ras%a sa 5itaoCm o tome da se ona2 bogati deO%o ni2e !o2aio u baru danima"
1ni !ea2u uobiOa2enu !esmu, sa !ar noih !obol2Panih stihoa, %ad Kyungsoo shati
da 2e *inseo% u !rau" Ae !ea srcem"
C
AoR (a!l2usnu KyungsooCoo ne!omiOno telo talasom Pumoa motora i l2uds%og
Oarl2an2a" PonoR 2e !roPla !re sat remena i n2egoe oOi gore od umora, ali on
2ednostano ne moQe (as!ati, i eo ga, gric%a so2u usnu i !retura !o albumu"
Pre nego Pto 2e to shatio, !oOeo 2e da bro2i noe sli%e, i one %o2e su !recrtane" &, na
n2egoo ra(oOaren2e, si n2egoi drugoi i( sredn2e P%ole su se !reselili i nema noih
beleP%i o n2ima s%oro godinu dana" Po%uPa da !o(oe +ae%hyunCo bro2, ali narano,
ni2e u fun%ci2i" Keroatno ni2e u fun%ci2i eR mesecima, godinama" Koli%o dugo eRE
B#e2., (aOu se glas niot%ud" Kyungsoo (amalo risnu"
Ali ne%a%o, osoba %o2a sto2i na susednom bal%onu, ne i(gleda s%ro( ne!o(nato" &ma
ne(gra!an osmeh, %ao da oseRa fi(iO%u bol %ada se nasme2e, BVta radiP odeE.
Kyungsoo o%lea da li da %aQe istinu, ali 2e sa%a%o reOe, B+ro2im l2ude sa %o2ima sam
i(gubio %onta%t".
B&E.
B*nogo ih 2e., Kyungsoo se oseti uQasno" Hdal2ena tutn2aa !ri2atel2sta i smeha i
drugarsta, stari %o2e on iPe nema, i(a(a su(e u n2egoim oOima i on se o%renu
sli%ama u albumu" Stari, bledi osmesi""" 1n ne Qeli da !laOe, i ne (na (aPto !laOe" BJoP
2uOe, 2a""" bio sam !ri2atel2 sa sima n2ima, ali eo ode !iPe da""" da su se odseliliE Da
su otiPli" Aema ih iPe""" Jesam li 2a (aista samE.
DeO%o na bal%onu i(dahnu maglu i blistai dim, s%ria2uRi osmeh" BDa, (aista si
2ebeno sam" Si smo mi sami, samo Pto ti ne QiiP dool2no dugo da to shatiP".
Kyungsoo s!usti glau u so2e dlanoe, i !oOe da 2eca 2aOe nego i%ada" 5na da 2e oo
bol %o2i ne moQe biti (aboral2en do sutra"
Ae idi be(i(ra(an !ogled na licu deO%a, i ne Ou2e (u% cigarete %o2a !ada tri s!rata
niQe"
C
SledeReg 2utra, Kyungsoo se budi oteOenih oOi2u, sa gor%im u%usom u ustima" Album
2e u n2egoim ru%ama, !ose%otine od !a!ira na n2egoim !rstima" 5id !re!un (elenih
!a!iriRa od %oga mu se !oraRa"
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BJa nisam dobra osoba" Aisam ni%ad ni bio., stranac u liftu !oOe %ad Kyungsoo uleti
unutra" 1n umalo ustu%nu, samo Pto, ne%a%o, ni2e i(nenad2en Pto Ou2e oa2 glas"
Aa!rsline na%on sa%og sloga" Kino o!iran2e i stidl2ia nainost u!r%os reOima,
BPoredio sam sa%oga o%o sebe" Ta% i sebe" Ja sam %u%aica i is%al2u2em se na
drugim l2udima 2er""" PlaPim se da to !ri(nam".
Kyungsoo %limnu do% s%enira deO%a is!red sebe: o!uPtena %raata, teP%e sen%e is!od
n2egoih oOi2u, udubl2eni obra(i, !oi2ena led2a, !odi(an2e n2egoih grudi u( ogroman
na!or" Ae%a%o, KyungsooCoe nate%le oOi i u%us %iseline u ustima, %o2i Pol2a mle%a ne
bi u%lonila, nestaPe ta%o la%o" A2egoo srce se stegnu %ad istu!i i dota%nu n2egou
ru%u, B+iReP o%e2".
B*o2e ime 2e Jongin".
Kyungsoo moQda ni2e Ouo !osledn2i slog" &!a%, to ime 2e !o(nato na n2egoim
usnama, BJongin".
BJa sam !isac., Jongin reOe i rata lifta se otoriPe" Kyungsoo se ne !omera" *rtilo,
(u2an2e entilatora i neu2ednaOeno, teP%o disan2e" Kada se rata !onoo (atoriPe,
Jongin is!riOa !riOu o deOa%u %o2i se (al2ubio u !les, u !lesaOa, !re2a%o, !rebr(o" PriOu
o ne%ome (anom Jongin, %oga su oOe%ian2a i !ritisa% !rega(ili, da 2e on odustao i
!restao da oli l2ude, sebe, strast, ambici2u" )o ni2e duga !riOa, i (arPaa se noom"
BPa 2e !ostao !isac i !isao o !lesaOu %oga 2e oleo i odbaio" 1 neinosti %o2a se
(drobila u n2egoim ru%ama" 42udi su se s%u!ili i !latili (a 2adnu (abau i to ga 2e
uOinilo bogatim i slanim i tuQnim, ne%o ga 2e u to reme na(ao i mi(ernim, !a 2e
nastaio da !iPe o rSaim snoima i oOa2an2u, o gledan2u u mesec sa samog dna, i to
ga 2e uOinilo 2oP bogati2im, i 2oP tuQni2im, i 2oP !o(nati2im, i na %ra2u, +og 2e rePio da ga
!oPtedi bede" Ali on mora da na!iPe 2oP 2ednu %n2igu, 2er 2e !ostao %reten %o2i Qii od
bede" 5aistan od sisan2a agoni2e i( %osti2u drugih l2udi".
Krata lifta se o!et otoriPe" 1og !uta, Kyungsoo na!rai %ora% na!red i !ouOe
JonginCa (a sobom" A2ihoi %oraci formira2u le! ritam"
B& ta naroOito interesantna osoba %o2u 2e u!o(nao, %o2a 2e bu%alno !re%lin2ala da se
!iPe o n2o2" 1n 2e bio 2adan, ali ta%o sreRan 2ureRi nemoguRe snoe" ,adio 2e u fabrici i
hteo da !ostane !eaO, ia%o niOega ni2e mogao da se seti" &mao 2e amne(i2u i bio
!rimoran da na!usti sebe na %ra2u sa%og dana, ali i odbi2ao da se !oinu2e" +orio se
sa !ora(nim gubicima i (arPaao u Rorso%a%u" +ilo 2e ne%a%o %omiOno, %ao %ada
gledaP hrO%a %o2i do smrti trOi unutar toO%a, traQeRi i(la( %o2i ne !osto2i".
BSreli su se 2ednog 2uls%og dana" Dana %ada 2e !isac sa(nao da Re da umre" Po(ao 2e
tog deO%a u so2 stan, i oni su u!alili ogromni entilator i %ro( !ro(or ras!rPili sneg od
eli%ih seQih noOanica" )og dana, !isac 2e bio l2ut na set, i l2ubomoran, i hteo 2e da
!o%aQe deO%u sa amne(i2om da ni%ad neRe ostariti so2e snoe" Da 2e Qel2a da !ostane
!eaO na2glu!l2a ide2a na celo2 2ebeno2 !laneti (a ne%oga %o ne moQe ni da Livi, %o ne
moQe da doQii l2uba ili gubita%, agoni2u, sreRu" Da 2e to %ao da robot goori o
!isan2u l2ubanih !esama" A!surdno i 2ebeno urnebesno".
BJongin 2e Qeleo da !o%aQe %oli%o 2e bio bogat, %a%o 2e Qiot e'tra %ad i(gubiP sebe i
odustaneP od sega" 1n 2e bio osoba %o2o2 2e iPe stalo do PtiRen2a !onosa nego Qiota"
42udi %aQu da ogromne Qur%e sa %ulama od Pam!an2ca i Oo%oladnim fontanama Oine
osobu sreRnom, !a 2e !robao se to, i, l2udi su re%li da 2e on sreRan" +io 2e 2ebeno
sreRan a""".
BDeO%o sa amne(i2om ni2e mogao to da idi" DeO%o %o2i ne moQe da se seti da 2e
i(gubio so2e 2ebene na2bol2e !ri2atel2e i roditel2e, deO%o %o2i 2e Qieo od bro2an2a
ba%PiPa, na2!atetiOni2i obli% cra, ni2e mogao 2ebeno da shati da mu 2e blaQensto
baOeno u lice" Slaa, bogatsto, moR, status" Se (a Pta se Jongin""" (a Pta sam se 2a
muOio".
Jongin !rouOe ru%u %ro( %osu, drhteRi u!r%os ruRini"
B)ada sam shatio da to ni2e 2er si ti bio glu!" )o 2e (bog toga Pto sam 2a, Kim Jongin,
bio moron" Se reme, 2a sam Qeleo da do%aQem sebi da sam 2a sreRan, da 2e
odbacian2e sega Pto sam i%ada Qeleo da budem bila is!rana star" Preselio sam se u
ru!Oagu od stana, ne (bog ins!iraci2e, eR da bih gledao tebe %a%o !atiP" Da bih
!otrdio da !atiP" Gledao sam te %a%o !eaP sa%o eOe, nada2uRi se da ReP (a!la%ati i
da Re te !o!rs%ati !iom !o licu" #teo sam da s2ebem to2u Oauru blaQensta 2er""" 2er
2a""" 2a sam samo Qeleo ne%oga sa mnom" H Qiom !es%u" Ali ti nisi !otonuo" PogrePio
sam" Ja sam 2ebeni moron".
BAli ti nisi moron., Kyungsoo se ubaci"
Aaslon2eni su na !riruO2u KyungsooCoo malog bal%ona" Kyungsoo 2e nagnut !re%o
metala, !rouOaa2uRi sen%e raPirene na trai, ru%u !resai2enih is!od grudi" Jongin 2e
!ored n2ega, naslon2en na la%toe, o%renut u drugom smeru, !re%rPtenih nogu,
!ogleda (a%l2uOanog na (e(dama, %ad Kyungsoo doPa!nu, B)i si samo i(gubl2en".
Jongin ga !ogleda, !ri !ut" *eseOina obas2a n2egoo lice, istiOuRi me%e bra(de i
!lastiOnu %oQu, i Kyungsoo !omisli %a%o i(gleda i(anredno %rh%o, i(anredno
!rele!o"
B+iRu 2oP iPe i(gubl2en" &(gubl2en, i i(gubl2en i onda., Jongin Pa!nu, B2ednog dana,
!uf, neRe me iPe biti" Ja Ru (a set biti ono Pto su sli%e u albumu (a tebe" Set se neRe
seRati da me 2e i(gubio".
KyungsooCo glas na!rsnu, BAe, nemo2 da odeP !uf".
Jongin fr%nu, !re(rio, B)i to samo %aQeP., i Kyungsoo !oQeli da ga uhati (a ramena i
risne da mu 2e stalo, da on to starno misli, Do Kyungsoo neRe do(oliti da Kim
Jongin ode !ufZ Samo, on nema !o2ma (aPto mu 2e stalo, Jongin 2e moQda u !rau"
*oQda on to samo %aQe" *oQda mu ni2e stalo" 1n (a!rao i ne (na oog JonginCa, ne
(na Pta se dogodilo med2u n2ima"
BJa starno Qelim da te (a!amtim, bar 2ednu minutu".
Ali da 2e ta%o 2ednostano, n2egoe grudi ne bi bolele ni bli(u onoli%o %oli%o ga bole
sada"
A2ihoa ramena se dota%nuPe, ali se ni2edan od n2ih ne !omeri"
Part two: inisible walls
BJa sam Jongin, i ode sam da""".
BPiPeP".
JonginCoa ilica se otori, Po% se !ola%o !o2al2u2e na n2egoim %osim obrama"
Se%unde dola(e i odla(e, Qure !re%o tan%e lini2e o%lean2a" Kyungsoo Oe%a"
Jongin !rimeti album sa sli%ama na %uhin2s%om !ultu, B1h, (naOi eR si !roOitao
so2e beleP%eE.
BDa!., Kyungsoo %limnu, i ne !rimeti ra(oOarani i(ra( JonginCoog lica"
Danas, ra(goor se nastal2a u JonginCoom stanu" )o 2e bela %uti2a, !retr!ana
i(guQanim !a!irima, !olu!ra(nim limen%ama !ia, mnoPtom be(bo2nih obli%a: %rti
OarPai i(rnuti !re%o ogol2enog duPe%a, ta!iseri2e %o2e se mlitao n2iPu, %ao (astae
%o2e simboliPu !reda2u" Yute !ilule i !i%aci ras!oreSeni na stolu ta%o da formira2u
reO Kyungsoo. Se 2e gla(ura %rh%osti %o2a !rogan2a KyungsooCa i !roQdire JonginCa,
guta n2egoe trome %ora%e i duge tre!aice"
Kyungsoo misli da Jongin se drQi na gomili" ,aPiren na %auOu, i(gleda %ao deO%o %o2i
!ri!ada oa%om mestu, ili %ao deO%o %o2i se eR nai%ao na !orPnost" Kao !un,
Pu!al2 Ooe%" Sen%e !ada2u i(med2u emoci2a i odgoora"
BAe sid2a ti se oo mesto, (ar neE.
BS%ro( 2e crnoCbelo" Ae i(gleda %ao da""".
BIo., Jongin reOe i(nenada"
Kyungsoo se 2eda o%renu dool2no br(o da uhati seQan2 i dal2e u!a%oanih Qutih
le!l2iih !a!iriRa %o2i mu Jongin dobaci, BVta 2e ooE.
BDa2, molim te" *oraP da ih !re!o(naP".
BAe, mislim, (aPto mi ih da2ePE.
B)i si re%ao da mi 2e soba crnoCbela., Jongin slegnu ramenima, B1bo2 2e" Kladim se da
umireP od Qel2e" & idi, to 2e bo2a sunca, Oini da se oseRaP Qiim, 2e lN daE.
BHQasan si".
B)o2 !re%oraa2uRi !ogled., Jongin se isceri, Bmi 2e omil2eni".
Kyungsoo !ristade, ali te% na%on Pto naloQi JonginCu, B5oi me hyung od sad"
A!surdno 2e %oli%o si ne%ulturan".
Jongin se nasmePi, dim e%s!lodira u blista obla% i(nad n2egoe glae" PribliQiPi
stolicu na2bliQem (idu, Kyungsoo se !odiQe, !omalo %leca2uRi, otori !ri !a%et i tutnu
!rst !od !ri !a!iriR" PoranaPi ga le!o, !alcem !red2e !re%o iice" 5id 2e to!ao od
sunOee setlosti i JonginCo glas se (aOu %ao utePni Pum i(a n2ega, i(maglica malih,
be(naOa2nih reOi !re%o (amiPl2ene grimase"
BJe lN se (a!itaP ne%ad""" Koli%o si !o!odnea !otroPio radeRi 2ednu istu star, sa istim
!iPtol2em (a le!a%, istom %ofom sa %li%erima i igraO%omE Koli%o !uta si seo (a so2
!ra(an sto i !itao se da li ReP se sutra seRati danasE.
Posle ne%og remena, Kyungsoo !rimeti da Jongin (a!rao ne !ostal2a !itan2a" 1n
odgoara na n2ih" Po!un2aa otis%e sto!ala %o2e 2e Kyungsoo utisnuo" AeQno i me%o,
suglasnici sloml2eni taO%om, o%ali naoPtreni do bes%ra2a" Pogled tone dale%o, i gubi
se negde na KyungsooCu do% !ali n2egoe (idoe (latastim !lamenom"
BDa li i%ad !omisliP da se ne seRaP, 2er, nemaP Oega da se seRaPE A%o radiP istu star
sa%i dan u nedel2i, sa%e nedel2e u mesecu, danaest meseci u godini, (ar !amRen2e
ne gubi srhuE Vta misliP da Re se dogoditi a%o !re%ineP rutinuE.
Jednog trenut%a, Kyungsoo (arPi sa !a!iriRima, a Jongin sa !itan2ima" Sada su na
so2im mestima na %auOu i fotel2i" HQia2u u sutonu, sa melodi2om i(med2u n2ih" 1na
!oOe da raste, la%o, be( na!ora, !oOin2e s %ra2a i (arPaa na !oOet%u, neidl2ia
struna od KyungsooCoih usana do JonginCoih !rsti2u"
Aa !utu u %reet, Kyungsoo obli%u2e note, rano la, mols&o si, onda ongin vidi tvo%e
ru&e pleHu, ongin, mnogo mi se dopadaHF Jongin definiPe ta%t, dvo-Ietvrtins&i,
tro-Ietvrtins&i, onda hyung %e lM si sreJan, hyung CadrLi me u svom vremenu.
JonginCoo !osledn2e !itan2e 2e blago, on ga !romrml2a baP %ada se KyungsooCoe oOi
(atoriPe, BKoli%o si !uta (anemario nePto starno aQnoE.
C
Jul 2e na2o%rutni2i mesec, a !osledn2i dan 2e na2gori"
B42udi., Kyungsoo reOe, danas 2e baP iscr!l2en" Kosti ga bole, a rebra mu se useca2u u
!luRa i ne moQe da diPe, i se ga boli, i rti se, boli, rti se, B1tiPli su" Si su otiPli".
Jongin nastal2a da (uri" Kyungsoo drhti i steQe so2 album, !a!ir se guQa !od
n2egoim !rstima, ali moQda on to i Qeli" *oQda ne Qeli da se seRa" *oQda moQe da
doQii 2oP 2ednu nesreRu i da uOini da se nestane" B+ae%hyun, 2a""" !robao sam da ga
nad2em, !iPe ode"""., on otori %n2igu i !o%a(a oPteRenu stranicu, lice na fotografi2i
2eda da moQe da se ra(a(na od !reiPe !reRutnih dodira, B!iPe da se odselio" Kidi,
!iPe da n2ego bro2 iPe ni2e u fun%ci2i" Ali on 2e bio mo2 drug" Aa2bol2i drug" Ja
samo""" 2a sam starno Qeleo da (nam (aPto se odselio" Gde se odselio" Se Pto sam
Qeleo 2e da sredim stari (a sluOa2 da smo se !osad2ali".
BPa sam !o(ao n2egou mamu" SeRam se %a%o me 2e (agrlila na maturi i re%la da sam
2o2 %ao sin, da se mnogo bol2e !onaPam od +ae%hyunCa, i da, a%o mi i%ada (atreba
ma2Oins%i saet, mogu da se obratim n2o2, i""" i +ae%hyun me 2e (e%nuo !o ramenu, i
si su se sme2ali i""" ali %ad sam 2e danas !o(ao""" to 2e i dal2e bila ona, ali 2e (uOala"""
bila 2e ta%o""" umorna" Frustrirana" Jongin, bilo 2o2 2e mu%a od mene".
BAe., JonginCoo lice !ostade bledo, BAisi al2da !itao (a +ae%hyunCaE.
B& riPtala 2e na mene, re%la da 2e ni%ad iPe ne (oem i onda se i(inila" Jer iPe ne
moQe da me %rii 2er 2e (oem i !odseRam da 2e +yun +ae%hyun mrta" Da 2e !oginuo
u nesreRi %o2u sam i 2a doQieo" Da sam 2a ona2 %o2i 2e !reQieo, a ne on".
BSluPa2, hyung, to starno ni2e to2a %riica""".
BKoli%o !uta sam oo uradioE Koli%o !uta sam 2e (ao i !itao gde 2e otiPao n2en mrta
sinE Jongin, Pta 2a radimE 5aPto ni%o 2ednostano""" 5aPto nisam to (a!isaoE 5aPtoE.
Jongin ne odgoori" Samo se o%renu, i sro(a se na ogradu ste!eniPta"
BJe lN si ti (nao (a ooE., Kyungsoo na!o%on u!ita, na%on Pto se se%unde sudariPe sa
minutima" A2egoi neri bu%nuPe u mahnit risa% 2er Jongin ne odgoori ni oa2 !ut"
B5nao si (a oo, (ar neE 5aPto si mi do(olio da uradim ooE.
Jongin u(dahnu i u(e album i( KyungsooCoe ru%e" BAisi !lanirao to da (a!iPeP danas,
(ar ne, hyungE H(nemiren si, ali to ne (naOi da ReP to uraditi" *oQda misliP da Re se
oo nestati %ada se sutra !robudiP".
&a%o Kyungsoo is!usti !rotestu2uRi (u%, Oini se da nema Pta da %aQe" Jongin 2e
eroatno u !rau" )egobna %riica, i moQda malo gnea, nataloQiPe se na n2egoim
dlanoima"
BH!laPen" )i si u!laPen" +ol2e 2e otarati tud2e rane nego suoOiti se sa ri(i%om
otaran2a so2ih, (ato Pto reme leOi rane %ao n2ene, ali sigurno neRe (aleOiti to2e"
Do% mi ostali nastal2amo dal2e, ti ReP biti (atoOen ode, !laOuRi (a istom stari sa%i
dan" 5naP to" & mr(iP sebe 2er (naP to i"""., Jongin (grabi KyungsooCo (glob i sni(i so2
glas, Bto ni2e to2a %riica" )o Pto !o%uPaaP da (aPtitiP sebe ni2e !ogrePno".
Kyungsoo is!usti hra!a dahta2, trgnu so2 (glob i( JonginCoe ru%e i naP%raba
AMNB 6N: G ?BDI9: .D=. %ul +(=+1 !re%o +ae%hyunCoog edrog %e(a" *oQda 2e
ru%o!is malo is!re%idan, u(drman, umrl2an sitnim %a!l2icama slane teOnosti" *oQda
Jongin odmahu2e glaom" *oQda Re Qaliti (bog ooga sa%og +oQ2eg 2utra"
C
Jongin unese !ro 2utro agusta i de braon%aste !a!irne %ese u KyungsooCo stan,
nemarno ih baci na oman2i sto u %uhin2i, !a se o%renu da ob2asni, .Dao si mi %l2uO
sog stana 2uOe".
B5nam., Kyungsoo !o%a(a na beleP%u na (idu, mada, Oini mu se da 2e to (nao i be(
beleP%e" Se u e(i JonginCa 2e noo ali !o(nato, grubo ali srdaOno, %ao nePto ne2asno
(a um, a ure(ano dubo%o u duPi"
BKoli%o (naPE., Jongin u!ita do% adi 2a2a i( %esa i ru%u2e %uhin2om sa eli%om
!risnoPRu"
B)o2e ime 2e Jongin, ti si mo2 %omPi2a., Kyungsoo !rati !reOicu %o2u Jongin na!rai
od %redenca do tr!e(ari2e, BAe%ada si !lesao, ali si odustao da bi bio !isac, imaP tuQan
osmeh i ue% !uPiP 2er""" 2er umi""".
Jongin u(e album sa !ulta, otori !osledn2u stranicu i iPOu!a 2e, (u% !a!ira
!o%idanog sa metala, !reiPe siro (a uPi" Kyungsoo uRuta i (agleda se u JonginCa %o2i
adi u!al2aO i !ali !a!ir" BAe moraP to da (naP" Ja sam 2edna od onih strana %o2e Re
2ednog dana biti na!uPtene" AeRe Oa% biti ni le!a strana" +iRe %ri i su(a !re%o !a!ira
i is%reno, bol2e da nemaP stranu o meni uo!Pte".
BAli""".
BSamo (aborai".
Kad 2e Jongin otiPao, Kyungsoo 2e ta2no !re!isao stranu, !o%u!io !e!eo i staio ga u
teglu" Ai2e to uradio da bi se sutra seRao JonginCa od danas, eR (ato Pto sutra Qeli da
(na o deO%u i(a n2egoih ta2anstenih, Rutl2iih osmeha" 1n Qeli da Kyungsoo od sutra
(na da 2e ona2 Jongin %o2i !uPi i guta !ilule, ustari Jongin %o2i moQe da se sme2e
celim so2im licem i telom" Da 2e on Jongin %o2i stal2a %a!e nao!aO%e, %o2i oli da
na!um!a obra(e i na!uRi usne u neoOe%ianim trenucima" 1n 2e dete sa oQil2cima
starca, na2neQni2i romanti% sa%rien u l2uPturi teP%og cini(ma"
&a%o Kyungsoo oog !uta nema sli%u, (a!rao mu i ne treba" ,eOi se same niQu, i on
!omisli %a%o su one re!re(entatini2e od bilo %o2e fotografi2e tog ret%og !lamiO%a
(e(dane !raPine u JonginCoim oOima" AaOin na %o2i ga (oe hyung" AaOin na %o2i
obrRe n2ihoe be2(bol %a!e nao!a%o i istiOe %a%o se slaQu"
Ae (a!isu2e da Jongin umire"
C
Jongin 2e deO%o sa !osledn2e stranice albuma odred2enim danima, !isac drugim, a
stranac to%om %rat%ih oQn2i liftom" )o%om dobrih dana, ima maslinast ten, to%om
loPih, nosi Qutu bo2u !re%o %oQe %ao ne%a%u %a(nu" Pone%ad, on 2e deOa% %o2i sedi na
susednom bal%onu, sa nogama %o2e se %late sa oboda, cigaretom i(med2u suih usana
i ru%ama !rotnutim %ro( (ard2alu ogradu" Pone%ad 2e umoran Ooe% naslon2en na (id,
na %iPi, laQne %ose i !ogrbl2enih led2a" Pone%ad dele tihe se%unde u hodnicima, a
ne%ad bes%ra2ne sate ra(goora sa s!uPtenim %a!cima, !re%o debelih granica od dima
modre bo2e i uo2a%a melanholi2e" S remena na reme, KyungsooCa (aboli %ada ga
ugleda i n2egoe grudi se na!une neOim teQim od saQal2en2a, ali na2OePRe %ada ga
sretne, n2egoa glaa !ostane lagana i oPamuRena"
&, ia%o Kyungsoo ne (a!isu2e detal2e, ue% !osto2i to nePto %ada dod2u u %onta%t"
Sa%i !ut %ada im se !ogledi sretnu, %ada se o!ruQe na!ol2u gleda2uRi u noRno nebo"""
)o 2e nePto neob2aPn2io to!lo, la%o, setlucao, nestalno" Kao sici" AePto Pto umire
na n2egoim dlanoima dool2no dugo da bi nestalo %ada on shati da to Qeli" AePto
Pto mu goori da se to eR dogodilo i da Re sledeRi !ut, ta%od2e odleteti" S%li(nuti %ro(
n2egoe !rste %ao !rola(na seRan2a"
Ali ta%o nePto eroatno ni2e romantiOno" BKolim te., de reOi %o2e ni%ad nisu
i(reOene" 1ne su !reiPe definitine, %onaOne, i(nenadne, Orst do%a(, racionalno
ob2aPn2en2e 2er na %ra2u sa%og dana, Jongin 2e stranac, !one%ad 2e %n2iga, ali ni%ad
iPe od !ri2atel2a" Kreme ih ra(da2a, neidl2iom i ne!robo2nom granicom"
Dani dola(e i odla(e i Kyungsoo !ronala(i granicu i(med2u ne idi i la&u noJ. Aarano,
on ue% umire od Qel2e da Jongin ostane" *isli da se u%la!a2u ia%o med2u n2ima ni2e
bilo u!letenih !rsti2u" Samo cunami te%sta i talas s!ore mu(i%e" & moQda 2e to se Pto
su oni"
Sa ot%uca2em male %a(al2%e, on se ue% !olaOi u( B4a%u noR".
&(med2u n2ih do2e, eroatno nema romanti%e" +ar ne u uobiOa2eno2 definici2i te reOi"
Ali moQda tu !osto2i malo neOega drugog, i(med2u ugodnosti i !otrebe, i(med2u ere i
nade, i(med2u KyungsooCoog !otil2%a i bra(da JonginCoog dlana"
C
De duPe %o2e !luta2u na %rou Samsung torn2a, sedamdeset i tri s!rata gore u noRi,
s%oro toli%o iso%o da mogu oduati (e(de u sa(eQd2a, ali o!et ta%o !rebli(u (eml2i"
Kyungsoo bro2i !ilule !reostale u JonginCoo2 !lastiOno2, narandQasto2 boOici do%
Jongin !osmatra %a%o se dim mreP%a i rasi!a !o a(duhu"
BKa%o 2e toE.
BKa%o 2e PtaE.
B+iti (aboral2en".
Jongin stai ru%e is!od glae do% (a2edno !osmatra2u mesec i (e(de o%ruQene
oblacima" 1n !odignu ilicu, !a 2e tiho s!usti, !re nego Pto odgoori, B)o 2e %ao da si
ubi2en" &s%oren2en i i(brisan !roti so2e ol2e".
BA %a%o 2e to (aboral2atiE.
Kyungsoo se (agleda dubo%o u nebo, B& to 2e %ao da umireP., i !oQeli, %ao ni%ada !re
da Qii samo malo duQe" A2ihoa %olena se dodiru2u" Kyungsoo udiPe dim %o2i Jongin
i(diPe" KeOeras, oni miriPu na mastilo, i %iPu, !amu%, uliOnu (a%us%u, metalnu 2esen i
2edno na drugo"
B5naP., Jongin se o%renu, traOa% os%udnosti !re%o n2egoog lica, Bhyung, %ada sam
!lesao, sid2ao mi se asistent" +io 2e %ine(" 4u #an" *o2a !ra l2uba, !ret!ostal2am"
PoPtoao sam ga" Pratio sam ga, i on 2e brinuo o meni" A onda sam 2ednog dana
!u%ao" Slomio se !od !ritis%om i bolom i bilo mi 2e sega dosta" &stresao sam se na
n2emu" Po%uPao 2e da me !o!rai" Si su !o%uPali" Ali, (naP, !o!ral2an2e osobe ni2e
%ao !o!ral2an2e igraO%e" Kada !o!ral2aP osobu, slamaP sebe".
Jedan od n2ih !roguta, glasni2e od JonginCoog Pa!ata, BA 2a sam n2ega smrs%ao u
toli%o mnogo deloa".
B*o2 uredni%, 1h Sehun, on 2e %reten" Ali 2e efi%asan" 1n me s!a2a, ma%ar !ogrePno,
sa glaom (ale!l2enom nao!aO%e" Poenta 2e da on gura se mo2e deloe (a2edno, da ne
bih niPta i(gubio" DrQimo se (a2edno" 1n me drQi %ao (alutalog !sa, !ret!ostal2am da
2e on dobar (a mene".
B& onda mi 2edan %aQe da i(la(i sa ne%im i( balets%e firme" Ja sam u fa(onu, o%e2, %ul,
ali !lesaOi mogu biti melodramatiOni" A on Re, ne, oa2 2e su!er, (oe se 4u #an,
trebalo bi da se u!o(nate, (ar nisi re%ao da si i ti !lesaoE.
B1h""".
BPa smo se naPli" +ilo 2e nei(beQno" Ali (naP PtaE 1n se i dal2e seRa %a%u %afu !i2em"
1sam godina i ni2e ni !o%uPao da me (aborai" &(gleda oOa2no ia%o 2e (al2ubl2en u
SehunCa" Je lN (naP (aPtoE 5bog seRan2a" 1na ga ubi2a2u" Ae mogu da ga s!asim od
n2ih" Ae moQe ni Sehun., Jongin na!rai grimasu" BAi%o ni%oga ne moQe s!asiti od
seRan2a".
Jasno 2e Pta Jongin Qeli da %aQe" Kyungsoo !o%uPa da se us!rotii, ali 2e %ra2n2e
nemoguRe"
BDobro 2e Pto me se neReP seRati, starno, 2er, na ta2 naOin mogu da te s!asim" 1a2
!ut %ad (a2ebem, ti neReP morati da se nosiP sa tim" +iti (aboral2en ni2e
ne!odnoPl2io %ao biti (a!amRen" *ogu da !odnesem da umirem sa%og dana,
hyung" 1%e2 2e da me (aboraiP".
Kyungsoo ne Ou2e glasno Amirem sva&a&o, %o2e se i(gubi negde med2u (e(dama<
umesto toga, on Ou2e !riguPeno 9e da% mi da umrem. Aagnu se i !ritisnu n2ihoa lica,
da2uRi JonginCu so2 a(duh i miris ti%Cta%Ca na 2e(i%u, a u(ima2uRi dah od ni%otina i
antibioti%a i gor%ih o!i2ata"
BJe lN (naP (aPto ti ue% i(gledaP ta%o staroE 5ato Pto misliP da niPta ni2e redno
!amRen2a, 2er niPta ni2e idealno, i, u !rau si, niPta ni2e" Ali sa%i trenuta% 2e redan
!amRen2a, Jongin" Sa%i !ut %ada (a2ebeP, 2a Ru ideti Ooe%a, sa%i !ut %ad !adneP,
2a Ru ideti l2uba %a%o te dolaOi do obale""" +riga me a%o (a godinu dana budem
i(gledao %ao gono" )o Re moQda biti 2er nemam seRan2a, i ne mogu da budem
!oreSen, ali""" (a mene, da olim i mr(im i slomim se (bog ne%oga 2e redno""".
Jongin uhati n2egou ilicu i !odignu n2egou bradu" A2ihoa !ra us!omena 2e
nemir oteran !ol2u!cem" Vto 2e Oudno, to 2e ona %o2u se Kyungsoo ne usuSu2e da
(abeleQi"
C
BSluPa2, !osto2ao 2e !eriod %ada sam goorio da Qelim da !iPem o tebi., Jongin reOe,
!esa% 2e is!od n2egoih !rsti2u, udal2eni Pumoi mora nose n2ego glas, BStar 2e u
tome da, 2a nisam (a!rao Qeleo da !iPem o tebi" Aisam se uo!Pte ni trudio da !iPem"
Jer, !isan2e 2e o !osmatran2u, a 2a sam !o%uPaao da te ubedim i""" 1a2 !ut Qelim da
!osmatram" Yelim da (nam iPe o tebi".
Kyungsoo saOe%a da Jongin !restane da %aPl2e, !a odgoori, BAli !riOao sam ti o sebi"
Celo !o!odne" & !riOam ti o sebi eR da meseca, nisam siguran da li 2e nePto ostalo da
se %a""".
,eOenica se (austai na glagolu %ad Jongin stai ru%u na KyungsooCo rat" 1n
i(nenad2eno (enu" Ke( obas2a celo JonginCoo lice, mali, ali od ueta do ueta, (ubi
se uo!Pte ne ide, ali 2e o!et blistai2i od meseca i sih (e(da, %ad reOe, BAli, tu 2e cela
2edna osoba o %o2o2 mi nisi !riOao" PriOao si mi o dadesetogodiPn2em KyungsooCu"
Kimchi P!agete, i(li(ane Pale, ruO%oi !od dretom" 1 onom %o2i 2e umro" Aisi mi
!riOao o hyungCu, onom %o2i 2e Qi, %o2i sarPeno !ea u baru, %o2i Qii sa%i dan %ao
da mu 2e !ri i !osledn2i".
BJa., Kyungsoo !oOe i tad mu sinu da (a!rao nema Pta da %aQe" JonginCoa ru%a 2e
to!la i teP%a i sarPena na n2egoom ratu"
BYelim da (nam se o tebi, hyung" Ae o tebi 2uOe, ni o tebi sutra" Yelim da (nam o tebi
danas" Yelim da (nam %a%o se oseRaP, (aPto nisi otiPao u bar, Pta si !ro !omislio %ada
si se !robudio, 2esi li golicl2i""".
BDa".
BVtaE.
BJesam golicl2i., Kyungsoo nema !o2ma Pta radi %ada stai so2u ru%u na JonginCou
i oseti bu2icu to!lote na som dlanu, B& sid2a mi se to2a ru%a oa%o" HQasna 2e" Aa
dobar naOin".
Jongin eroatno htede da se nasme2e, ali u 2ednom trenut%u, smeh se ra(loQi u
%aPal2" Do% su se i(leQaali na !laQi, sa !es%om u %osi, i o%eanom med2u !rstima,
Kyungsoo !omiloa JonginCo rat i (atori oOi, BJa Qelim da (nam se o tebi ta%od2e"
Danas, ne Qelim da te (aboraim".
Jongin mu !omaQe da se seti, usnama crta2uRi lini2e i ugloe, !roPlost i sadaPn2ost
Kim JonginCa na KyungsooCou %oQu" San 2e %ao osa%, !oliester, una, grafit, i
obmotaa ga !re nego Pto moQe da se i(bai i POe!a JonginCoe !rste"
BSutra., Kyungsoo reOe, na !eriferi2i 2ae i sna" JonginCoa ru%a na n2egoim %l2uOnim
%ostima, BSutra Qelim da te idim %a%o !lePeP".
B5aPtoE.
BKad !riOaP o tome, ne%a%o se o(ariP""" Yelim da idim da !ot!uno si2aP" Kao siciE.
Kada se Kyungsoo !robudio, !esa% 2e !o n2egoim noQnim !rstima, o%ean u %osi, i
sici u sobi" *noPto malecnih sitaca u tami !re (ore, setluca2u %ao (e(de na
!orPini ode, ca%le se u n2egoo2 malo2 sobi sa !renis%im !lafonom i !reus%im
(idoima" 1n ih (a!an2eno gleda, sa neobiOnim nagonom da se rati na 2astu% i sme2e"
C
BDoPao sam da te !o%u!im., reOe Ooe% na ratima" A2egoo ime 2e Jongin, Kyungsoo
misli, ali ne moQe da se seti gde 2e Ouo to ime" Kada se namrPti i !roeri so2e beleP%e,
Jongin ga !ribliQi sebi i !ol2ubi, B1o bi trebalo da te !odseti".
Pre nego Pto 2e Kyungsoo us!eo da ga odgurne, mada 2e sumn2ao da bi ga uo!Pte
odgurnuo, Jongin 2e eR obaio ru%e o%o n2egoog rata i !oOeo da ga uOe i( stana,
B#a2de, idemo".
BGde me"""., Kyungsoo (a%eta %ad ga Jongin bu%alno !rebaci !re%o !ro(ors%og
o%na %abrioleta %o2i i(gleda sramno s%u!o, !odmu%la, mala star !ar%irana na
iiOn2a%u, crni e%steri2er, i !liPano beli enteri2er, ni ne trudeRi se da otori rata,
BodiPE.
BDa idimo sice., Jongin reOe, !riguPiPi %aPal2 u ru%au" )e% %ad se Kyungsoo
nagao da ga !ogleda, shatio 2e da se deOa% %e(i od ueta do ueta, Bone !rae".
BGde idemoE Je lN !ol2e u bli(iniE., Kyungsoo u!ita, ali Jongin ne reOe mnogo, samo
u!ali radio i ras!rPi !o! melodi2u u a(duh da bi (asenio so2 bestidno (adool2an
smePa%"
Kola ubr(aPe od us%ih ulica do sen%i obla%odera i tranatih !redgrad2a, !a dubl2e u
noR" Aegde na !oloini !uta, Kyungsoo 2e !rimetio da 2e Jongin !romolio ru%u %ro(
!ro(or, i smogao hrabrosti da uradi isto" Ketar milu2e nere u n2egoo2 %oQi i i(diPe
is%rice u n2egou %osu" HshiRen2e 2e malo, ali dool2no eli%o da uOini da n2egoo srce
brQe (a%uca" PoOeo 2e da !ea, u(bud2enim i i(ra(itim glasom, (na2uRi da Jongin
!osmatra itlan2e neidl2iih stru2a i(a so2ih !rsti2u" 1se%a i !lima bo2e KyungsooC
oih tumara2uRih nota"
Ali umesto da o(i do !ol2a, ili bar !ar%a, Jongin ugasi motor is!red na!uPtenog
s%ladiPta" Kyungsoo se o%renu %a n2emu, B*islio sam da idemo da idimo si""".
BTe%a2., Jongin ga !re%ide i Kyungsoo shati da neRe biti obaePten !re nego se se
dogodi, !a samo do!usti da ga Jongin i(uOe i( %ola, !rsti2u (a!etl2anih !rela%o
med2u n2egoim, obeRaa2uRi dim u bo2i i setlo i magi2u, stari %o2e se rlo malo tiOu
setleRih bubica"
Pra%tiOno, ni2e imalo niPta u e(i sa inse%tima, a imalo 2e se u e(i sa !arom
!roidnih ru%aica i e%s!lo(i2om !lamena nad n2ima i %e(om !re%o JonginCoog lica
%ad naredi KyungsooCu da obrati !aQn2u" Krata se (alu!iPe, meseOina se (amagli, a
KyungsooCu (astade dah"
Jongin !redstal2a lebdeRe setlucan2e snaQnih miPiRa i teOne gracio(nosti %o2e 2edri
%ro( !rostor, ali, !orh sega, sa JonginCoih dlanoa 2ure lini2e 2ebene setlosti"
HQarene re%e Qute, (elene i !lae setlosti %o2e te%u i( n2egoih ru%u i !luta2u %ao
neons%i dim" 1n !omera so2e !rste sa blistaom !reci(noPRu"
Aema mu(i%e, samo !riguPena melodi2a u n2ihoim !luRima< KyungsooCoi bes%ra2ni
udisa2i, JonginCoi br(i i(disa2i, %ad laQne !ete !oOePe da %li(e !re%o betona, a
dlanoi da se%u bu2icu teOne fluorescenci2e"
A onda Jongin signali(ira KyungsooCu da se !riliQi, 2ednostaim nagibom %aQi!rsta"
KyungsooCu srce sto2i u grlu do% se on tetura, i umalo is%oOi %ada Jongin i(nenada
s!usti ru%u na n2egou ma2icu, lini2om od rata do grudi" +o2e su eteriOne i eR su
iPOe(le, ali JonginCo dodir se oteQe to!lo i ne(aborano"
BPrai sici., Jongin se isceri, BKada obas2aP osobu od glae do !ete".
C,eal fireflies" 4ight !eo!le u! from the inside out"
BVta ti uo!Pte !riOaPE., Kyungsoo se nasme2a, 2oP iPe %ada !rimeti rumenilo na
JonginCoim obra(ima"
JonginCo odgoor !oOe (amuc%ian2em i nestade !od nastu!om grOeitog %aPl2a i
drhta2a sai2enih ramena" Ka!l2ice (no2a !o2aiPe se na n2egoom Oelu"
Ae%a%o, oo ne i(gleda dobro"
C
Hdal2eni su sto dadeset i da %ilometra od KyungsooCoog bara, i tu negde,
Kyungsoo (grabi JonginCou ru%u i !ouOe 2e, BDa li si dobroE.
BKa%o to misliPE.
BPilule""" )essalon Perles, Phenergan, Codeine, i %a%o se oo uo!Pte i(goaraE & to2
%aPal2 i Pta 2e"""., Kyungsoo !o%a(a na malu !lastiOnu star %od ru%aica, Bti""" 2e lN oo
!osuda (a !oraRan2eE.
Jongin !reblede, BAe, ni2e".
B+olestan si, (ar neE.
1a tiPina 2e na2glasni2a star %o2u 2e Kyungsoo i%ada Ouo" Aa!o%on, Jongin se
mrdnu, gleda2uRi u dal2inu" Kyungsoo !osmatra %a%o mu se adamoa 2abuOica !odiQe,
o%lea, !a se o!et s!usti i on od2ednom (aQali Pto 2e !itao" Se se ras!ade, !uca2uRi !o
Paoima %ad Kyungsoo mla%o reOe, BVta 2e u !itan2uE Ai2e al2da terminalnoE.
BPluRa".
Aema niOega u a(duhu sem teP%og disan2a i moQda 2eca2a u KyungsooCoom grlu"
BKoli%oE Koli%o meseci, danaE., on u!ita, i(nureno"
BDo%tor 2e re%ao de godine., Jongin !o%uPa da se nasme2e sa cigaretom u ustima,
B)o 2e !riliOno dug !eriod, s ob(irom da sam Qieo samo dadeset i """.
BAe" Pre%ini da !uPiP".
Pola%o tre!RuRi, Jongin u!ade u bu2icu na!u%nutih smePa%a" H(nemirenost 2e
o!i!l2ia" BVta ReP ti da uradiP !oodom togaE Ja sa%a%o umirem" De, de i !o
godine, u Oemu 2e ra(li%aE Samo 2e !itan2e remena, i ni2e %ao da Re to tebi nePto
(naOiti, ni2e %ao da moQeP da se setiP Pta smo""".
JonginCoa brada 2e trda i tu!a is!od KyungsooCoe !esnice, i Kyungsoo s%oro da ne
moQe da eru2e da 2e u!rao udario JonginCa %ad oa2 !olete na(ad i udari glaom o
naslon" Cigareta is!ade i smesti se na sediPte"
B1o., drhteRi, Kyungsoo !odiQe cigaretu, B1o Ru da uradim !oodom toga. i stai 2e
u usta" Plamen 2e i dal2e !risutan ali bol %o2i oseRa ni2e od o!e%otina" )o 2e !atn2a %o2a
!ara n2egoo meso, %ida se n2egoe nere, i boli, mnogo boli"
JonginCoe oOi su fi%sirane na KyungsooCu %o2i QaRe i guta cigaretu" Duan i !a!ir i
filter oPtri %ao noQ do% dim curi ni( n2egoo grlo" 1n se (a%aPl2a i ledene su(e i(biPe i(
n2egoih oOi2u" Duan ima u%us !rl2aPtine i le%oa %o2i 2e 2oP gori is!od JonginCoog
be(i(raQa2nog !ogleda"
BSledeRi !ut %ada te idim da !uPiP., Kyungsoo !roguta, 2e(i% risnu u agoni2i %ad ga
!ritisnu na ne!ce, BuradiRu oo o!et" Jer da, ni2e %ao da mi 2e reme bitno" +iRe isto
a%o umrem danas i a%o umrem sutra, (ar neE A%o misliP da imaP !raa da mi te
odu(meP, (aPto ne bih imao i 2aE.
B)a%o si 2ebeno glu!, hyung".
Kyungsoo 2e u !reeli%im boloima da bi odgoorio, ali se ne ne%i naOin slaQe"
C
BTudno, ona2 !isac ne !uPi iPe., *inseo% o!a(i, te noRi %ada se Kyungsoo !o2aio u
baru na%on oOigledno duQeg remena" Po!i gutl2a2 ode, !a se o%renu na(ad %a
KyungsooCu, BAe%ad 2e !uPio %ao lud, %unem se" & s%u!o odelo" Kao da 2e sad drugi
deO%o".
Prela(eRi 2e(i%om !re%o o!e%otina %o2e 2e nedano (adobio, Kyungsoo !rati *inseo%C
o !ogled do Ooe%a na drugom %ra2u !rostori2e" Pola 2edan 2e i bar ri od l2udi, ali
%ad se n2ihoi !ogledi susretoPe, obli% usana tog Ooe%a i tamni blesa% is!od n2egoih
tre!aica su se Pto Kyungsoo idi" Prostori2a se is!ra(ni u 2ednom mahu" Se Pto 2e
ostalo su Kyungsoo i Ooe% u %oQno2 2a%ni" Se 2e tiho, be(bo2no, nestarno"
Jednog trenut%a, mu(i%a !oOe i *inseo% !odesi (u%" Kyungsoo instin%tino !omeri
ilicu gore i dole, 2er 2e n2ego red da se !ridruQi" *i%rofon 2e teQa% na n2egoom
dlanu, on Oe%a so2 glas, ali niPta ne i(la(i" Sui %rici i br(i tre!ta2i, a onda ga !re!lai
oseRa2 !ani%e, 2oP iPe %ad (aOu *inseo%Coo nero(no lu!%an2e nogom o !od"
Toe% na drugom %ra2u !rostori2e !odignu obru, i(usti nePto Pto Kyungsoo ne
ra(ume i !odignu ru%u" Smeten, Kyungsoo !osmatra n2egoe !rste %o2i !lePu %ro(
a(duh i ne%a%o, (u% %laira !o2ai se ni ot%ud, (asetli glasno i 2asno i od2ednom,
se dod2e na so2e mesto" *elodi2a !utu2e %ro( telo Ooe%a, !redodi ga i i2uga i
Kyungsoo misli da 2e on na2le!Pi Ooe%, na2le!Pi umetni% na !laneti" *elodi2a dolete
od Ooe%oih !rsti2u do KyungsooCoog srca, s%oro %ao da 2e to 2edina srha n2enog
!osto2an2a"
Se!tembars%a 2e, ili moQda o%tobars%a noR %ada Kyungsoo !ruQi so2 na2bol2i nastu!
!lesaOu u %oQno2 2a%ni" & %asni2e, do% 2e Oe%ao da *inseo% !odeli ba%PiP, !lesaO !rid2e
sa srameQl2iim osmehom, BAemam %iPobran".
Kyungsoo tre!nu, od2ednom sestan %iPe %o2a udara o !ro(or" *inseo% ga gurnu,
B,e%ao 2e da nema %iPobran".
Kyungsoo nastai da tre!Re, i na %ra2u, deO%o u(dahnu i obai ru%u o%o KyungsooC
oog rata, gest %o2i oOigledno do%a(u2e da 2e to uradio mnogo !uta rani2e i ot!rati ga
na!ol2e" B#a2de, ha2de, ot!rati me %uRi, hyung".
Aa !omen reOi hyung, Kyungsoo se odmah seti !osledn2e stranice u som albumu,
one %o2a ne sadrQi sli%u, one o Ooe%u %o2i 2e ustari deOa%, o !iscu %o2i 2e ustari
!lesaO, o %omPi2i %o2i 2e ustari mnogo iPe" Kim Jongin" Stranica sadrQi !odsetni%
%o2i %aQe da se !retara da 2e ni%ad ni2e !roOitao 2er Kim Jongin ne Qeli da bude
(a!amRen"
& Kyungsoo odglumi da ne (na da 2e Jongin n2ego %omPi2a, BGde QiiPE.
B5nam da (naP".
BKunem se da ne (nam".
BH tom stanu".
BAe, starno".
BDa, starno".
Kyungsoo !romrml2a nePto, i Jongin se (lo%obno nasmePi" 5na da nema i(bora sem
da ga odede tu"
Seoul u 2edan sat miriPe na laQnu (eml2u, nato!l2ene %abanice i JonginCo
ome%PiaO" Kyungsoo se !onudio da drQi %iPobran, eroatno (ato da bi n2egoe ru%e
mogle dodirnuti JonginCoa ramena %ada se !reiPe !ribliQe" A2iho odnos moQe biti
sumiran dema tananim figurama, ramenima %o2a se 2eda dodiru2u, sto!alima %o2a
tru!%a2u !o mo%rom trotoaru negde i(med2u sumra%a i (ore" Sli%a !re!una
mladalaO%e nainosti, rumenila i nemira i i(nenadnih reOi Bdo!adaP mi se. i BPta
!riOaP. i B!ol2ubiRu te., grubih usana, neQnih dodira"""
C
BAi2e li dosadno da %oristiP samo 2ednu bo2uE., Jongin !rimeti, do% Kyungsoo leti sa
2ednog %ra2a sobe na drugi, sreSia2uRi i !remePta2uRi i briPuRi se Qio 2er stan
i(gleda %atastrofa, !ogotoo u( gosta"
B5adaalo bi mi glaobol2u da ni2e ta%o., Kyungsoo odgoori, rana2uRi !osledn2e
bore na 2organu"
BAli, oa%o ne (naP Pta 2e bitno" Se 2e (eleno" Kao liada" &maP trau na (idu"., Jongin
se ne(gra!no nasme2a so2o2 Pali %ad Kyungsoo !reSe na OiPRen2e te!iha" BAismo baP
ras!oloQeni (a Palu danas".
B)i""" Vta si tiE., Kyungsoo !ita Oisto formalno, 2er eR (na se o n2emu" Pretara se da
ga ne (na ia%o oseRa da ga (na, ia%o 2e (a!amtio sa%u reO o n2emu (a!isanu u
albumu"
BJa sam !isac".
B*islio sam da si !lesaO".
B+io sam., Jongin !roSe %ro( sobu, nagin2uRi rat (bog !renis%og !lafona, i stade
!ored KyungsooCa" A2ihoa sto!ala se sarPeno u%la!a2u, !rsti se 2eda dodiru2u i se
lini2e su !oranane" BKada sam bio mlaSi, !omalo sam !lesao""" balet".
Kyungsoo u!ita %a%o balet i(gleda 2er ni%ada rani2e ni2e ideo balet i Jongin odluOi da
mu uQio demonstrira so2im !rstima, B(naOi oo 2e glaa, a oo su noge i G, D sad.
arabes>ue, ta%o on to na(a Bi %ada oni s%oOe oa%o., to se (oe grand 2et-, i Bda2 mi
so2 dlan., o%ret (globa, no%ti %o2i se rte i(mamiPe osmeh i( KyungsooCoog dlana,
Bfouett- en tourant., n2ego osmeh se !retori u rado(nao !ogled %ad JonginCoi
!rsti !oQuriPe na iicu n2egoog dlana i na(ad, Boo 2e sissonne, 2edan i da i"""., obo2e
!restaPe da diPu %ada JonginCoi !rsti !reSoPe KyungsooCo (glob, i %renuPe duQ
nadla%tice, ru%e, ramena, %l2uOne %osti, rata, don2e usne, sto!"
Jongin !alcem ra(uOe KyungsooCoe usne u osmeh, !a se nagnu i (ama(a ga so2im"
*io, Oedan !ol2ubac"
Ali, %ad JonginCoa s%li(nu na Kyungsoo"o stru%, on se trgnu, BTe%a2, ne".
& dal2e oPamuRen, Jongin !il2i u KyungsooCoe usne %ad oa2 !obeQe i sede %od
radnog stola" BJa te Oa%""" Ja te ne (nam" *islim, ne mogu da se setim"""." Jongin
ustade, (grabi n2egou ru%u i stai 2e na so2e grudi" Kyungsoo oseRa JonginCoe
gromoite ot%uca2e srca i JonginCo slab !uls i JonginCoe Pa!ate u so2o2 uPno2
P%ol2ci"
BSluPa2., Jongin reOe, Boo sam 2a, (al2ubl2en u tebe., i !rinese n2ihoe ru%e
KyungsooCoim grudima, i Kyungsoo od2ednom !ostade sestan br(ih ot%uca2a sog
srca i i(nenadne to!lote u obra(ima" B& oo""" oo (uOi !o(nato, (ar neE.
&gra 2e u JonginCoim oOima, i(a(o na usnama & Kyungsoo nema !o2ma Pta radi, ali u
momentu %ada 2e Jongin staio so2u ru%u na n2egoo %oleno, se se (a!alilo,
!retorilo se u !rste na !otil2%u, (br%u 2e(i%a i (adihanost, i %olena %o2a udara2u u
%u%oe" S%oro 2e !reiPe !rirodno da slomi neidl2ie bari2ere med2u nima, !osegne
na drugu stranu i dota%ne starnost na JonginCoo2 %oQi" ,u%a na ruci i usne na
usnama ta%o se sarPeno u%la!a2u, !u%otine na ni(brdici i ubr(ano o%lean2e"
+es%ra2ni !adoi do% se ne nad2oPe na samom dnu !onora" Kyungsoo !ribi2en u(a
(id, JonginCoe noge na unutraPn2o2 strani n2egoih butina, a reo dah na ratu"
Kyungsoo forgets to breathe when Jongin shoc%s the silence, ri!!ing his (i!!er o!en
and !ulling down his 2eans and briefs at once" #e doesnt %now where to loo%, really,
because hes neer done this before, and Jongin seems more than familiar with the
!rocedures as he fists Kyungsoo, dragging hot fingers until Kyungsoo is so hard it
almost hurts" #e buc%s, on instinct, and Jongin seems to notice the way hes gri!!ing
bac% and studies Kyungsoo from under his lashes, .&ts o%ay, well go slow"/
)hough the definition of slow might be sub2ectie, Kyungsoo is !ositie that Jongin is
ste!!ing out of bounds when he o!ens his mouth and closes it around his coc%,
immediately sliding further down the shaft, li!s furious and scalding and
into'icating, tongue flic%ing across the slit and rubbing im!atiently u! the underside
of his coc%" )hrowing his head bac%, Kyungsoo thrusts uncertainly into Jongins
mouth, though the uncertainty ends the moment Jongin moans and the %not of
!leasure unraels into his guts" From there its about heat and moans, nail bed
scra!ing against scal!s and whim!ers !refi'es to shar!ly gas!ed, .Jongin, Jongin,/
and low moans suffi'es to muffled shudders behind clenched teeth"
$hen Kyungsoo is about to come, Jongin !ulls away and crushes him against the
wall, mouth ferent and hot and whis!ering fast instructions about, .ta%e my !ants,/
between, .off, now/ 2olts of, .hurry,/ electricity, .hyung"/ As Kyungsoo follows his
orders to the syllable, Jongin !eels away his shirt, throwing it anywhere before
awarding Kyungsoo with a light trail of %isses from his mouth to his 2aw and lower,
down his nec% and off his shoulder, s%ittering along the length of his arm until he
finds the 2unction between the fingers" Slowly, with his eyes s>uared in Kyungsoos,
he suc%s off their fingers together" As Kyungsoo reels in the warmth of Jongins
tongue, Jongin !ushes him oer the bed"
)he first digit that Jongin inserts into Kyungsoo hurts, the second one is blind agony,
and Kyungsoo waits for Jongin to ni! the !ain away, distracting little !ec%s s!iraled
along his nec%" #e rela'es in time for Jongin to thrust in dee!er, and that is when his
hi!s 2er% u! on their own" A strong wae of !leasure !unches him numb and
inarticulate< his 2aw dro!s but nothing comes out" Jongin remembers the s!ot and
when he re!laces his fingers with his coc% its the same damned s!ot that he hits, the
same s!ot that ma%es Kyungsoo let go of eerything" A noise between a grunt and a
scream comes out from his throat" Jongin s>uee(es his thigh before thrusting in again
and faster, rougher, oer, and oer until Kyungsoo comes in strea%s of white oer his
stomach, and %ee!s going until a sudden, shar!, grunt"
Kad !adoPe na %reet, Kyungsoo htede da, moQda s!a%u2e stari ra(bacane !o celo2
sobi, %ad mu Jongin obai ru%e o%o stru%a" 1bod KyungsooCoe uPtir%ane ma2ice
%o2a miriPe na dim cigarete i laQan !rela( i(med2u 2eseni i (ime, nabora se na
grebenu n2ihoih %u%oa" Jongin !ola%o s!usti ru%u na dugmad, do%ono
ot%o!Oaa2uRi sa%o dugme sa Pumom (adool2sta u grlu, B5naP""" Aisam ti re%ao da
se (oem Jongin" Ka%o si (a!amtio.
Kyungsoo (arumeni, n2egoo lice, !ostade ro(e, !a creno %ad (aroni glau u so2
2astu%, B5nao si, (ar ne, da imam stranicu o tebi u mom albumuE.
BAarano da 2esam., Jongin !romrml2a i Kyungsoo se u!ita (aPto (uOi %ao da teP%o
diPe, se reme, moQda od !oOet%a" B&mam %l2uO od tog stana ali ne i oseRa2 (a
!riatnost" *ada, Oini se ga ni ti nemaP, s ob(irom da si (a!isao se ia%o sam ti
(abranio".
BAli 2a Qelim da nastaim da (a!isu2em., Kyungsoo reOe, BYelim da se seRam nas" Ja
samo, 2a""" Qelim da imam e(u" Yelim da imam !rau e(u sa tobom, da moQemo da
!riOamo o tome Pta smo radili 2uOe, i dan !re toga""".
Jongin ne reOe niPta, samo (aroni glau u KyungsooCo !otil2a%, i dal2e teP%o diPuRi"
BSutra, sutra, molim te, ne do(oli mi da te (aboraim" Yelim da se seRam ooga,
Qelim da se seRam nas".
BAe brini, hyung" Ja sam !isac" Ja (arad2u2em !amteRi stari".
1stali su budni cele noRi" Jongin 2e na!raio Oa2 %o2i su !ili na bal%onu, nogu
!rotegnutih i !re!letenih, rc%aih !rsti2u" Kyungsoo !o%uPaa da !riOa o semu Oega
moQe da se seti, o bilo Oemu Pto Re ga drQati budnim, 2er %ada (as!i, se Re biti gotoo,
!redine (e(de i to!lo (u2an2e u n2emu i neeroatna me%oRa JonginCoe %oQe" 1n
bunca o tome %a%o 2e Jongin i(gledao !rele!o %ada 2e !lesao u baru, %a%o su se
n2ihoi glasoi i !o%reti sarPeno u%lo!ili, %a%o 2e nebo ta%o edro %ad 2e !rognostiOar
re%ao da Re sutra !adati %iPa"
Ali na %ra2u, KyungsooCoi %a!ci !ostaPe ne!odnoPl2io teP%i i on se nasloni na
JonginCa, !oluCsestan seQeg !oetarca na so2o2 %oQi i JonginCoih !rsti2u na som
ratu" Jongin s!usti KyungsooCou glau na so2e %rilo, nastal2a2uRi n2egoe reOi %ao
da ni%ad nisu !restale 2er, moQda, stari ne mora2u da se (arPe ta%o br(o" Jer se, i on
nada"
Ali san u(e KyungsooCa sa%a%o"
C
Posledn2ih trenuta%a leta, sati su ue% !redugi, a se%unde !re%rat%e" Dani su se
%raRi, i, ia%o ne moQe to do%a(ati, stre!n2a ga 2ede sa sa%im (alas%om sunca i on
moQe da 2e oseti %a%o se oteQe o%o n2ega" Po!un2aa sa%u n2egou !oru, %li(i ni(
n2egou %iOmu, %a!l2e na n2egoe !rste" TeQn2a, strah, (ims%a hladnoRa, %iPa be(
!oOet%a, sati (a %o2e 2e siguran da 2e eR doQieo" A onda dod2e noR i !onoo obo2i se
u crno"
Part three: )omorrow
SunOea setlost u!loi u KyungsooCo san, !relomi se u nePto hladno i slano, Pto
moQda u%l2uOu2e !ro!adan2e !eta u me%ano !re!litan2e !laQe i o%eana" Jedan o%ret,
i laQni !esa% !retori se u hladnu !ostel2inu"
Kada 2e otorio oOi, %o%tel od galeboih %rila i ni2ansi !lae (amen2en 2e taanicom,
metrima !renis%om, malim !ro(orom na %ra2u tesne sobice i ogul2enim drenim
das%ama is!od !ohabanih te!iha" )o 2e n2egoa soba, ia%o ne baP ona%a %a%a 2e
bila 2uOe, (ato Pto su sada (eleni i Quti !a!iriRi (ale!l2eni !re%o sa%og centimetra
sa%og (ida, Oi2eg se ras!oreSian2a on ne moQe setiti" Drugi slo2 Oine obo2eni (a!isi i
di2agrami, bro2ei i datumi" Poetarac !odignu (aese i (a%oitla (a!ise, !euPeRi
melodi2u usaglaPenu sa romin2a2em !a!irnog a!lau(a"
&a%o Kyungsoo ni2e i(nenad2en stan2em so2e sobe, ne%a%o 2e (a!re!aPRen (bog
!o(amaPnog bro2a Qutih !a!iriRa" Konfu(i2a se, meSutim, !retorila u osmeh %ada 2e
i(aPao na terasu i !rimetio figuru naslon2enu na susednom ogradi"
BJe lN si !roOitao QuteE., stranac i(nenada u!ita, ods2a2 u n2egoim (enicama !ostade
ragolast %ad !rimeti KyungsooCoo bledo !il2en2e" BKrati se i !roOita2" & otori rata
%ad !o%ucam".
Kyungsoo se ratio, !roOitao, i otorio rata %ada 2e Jongin !o%ucao" Deset minuta
%asni2e, oni su nagnuti nad sudo!erom, !rae doruOa%, Jongin bro2i grebene
KyungsooCoih rebara, u!ro!aPRaa2uRi se, na sarPen naOin" ,u%e o%o stru%a,
brade u ramenima"
*oQda oo moQe da se !onal2a (aue%, Kyungsoo misli" *oQda Re se 2ednog dana
!robuditi %ao starac i Jongin Re i dal2e boc%ati n2ego stoma%, neranomerno disati u
n2egoo uo i !raiti nered, baP %ao danas" DoruOa% na terasi, naborana sto!ala u
!a!er2astim !a!uOama, sia %osa, !retan%a da sa%ri2e blistae osmehe" 1n bi to oleo"
C
Hdaran2e i(med2u KyungsooCa i JonginCa moQe biti sumirano graurama na
!ohabanim stranicama, smePtenim u malo2 listi %o2i 2e Jongin na(ao O7tvari &o%e
pale Do Kyungsoo-a.#
1biOno, ono se sasto2i od obiOnih noRi u baru, %ada si na!uPta2u sebe u OaPi is%i2a"
Kyungsoo uhati sebe %a%o tu!ao (uri u JonginCoo lice do% !ea, ra(miPl2a2uRi %a%o
2e moguRe da ne%o i(gleda ta%o bes!re%orno i sloml2eno u isto reme" SreRa se ra(lia
!o %onturama %ao usta2ao Oa2, Jongin i(gleda %ao artefa%t i(gubl2enog sarPensta,
doduPe, deo o sarPenstu nestade Oim Jongin !odignu ru%u i namignu"
&ma nePto u JonginCoom namigian2u Pto uOini da Kyungsoo umalo is!usti
mi%rofon" Jongin sman2i ra(dal2inu med2u n2ima, le!uP%aste usne i(diPu melanholi2u"
KyungsooCoo srce !os%oOi u grudima sa sa%im !oluCnamernim dodirom (globoa i
Pa!atom, B&(a(iam te".
&gra i(a(oa !ostade smrtonosna %ada se rata (alu!iPe i Jongin !ribi KyungsooCa u(a
(id, BPonoi to a%o smeP" &(a(iaP meE." Dlanoi i %olena %o2a %li(e !o butinama,
ne!oe(ano mrml2an2e %o2e naglaPaa cil2en2e i !renemagan2e" Hrgentnost ubr(a se
do% frustraci2a odi ru%e !re%o metalnih ra2sferPlusa" A moQda to i ni2e frustraci2a"
*oQda 2e to samo !otreba, 2er, oni su u eOito2 Qurbi (a !es%om %o2i nesta2e sa
n2ihoih dlanoa" Jer, %ada se (ima !re%la!a sa !roleRem, udaran2e ni2e iPe oPtro
!rodiran2e i atreni !ogledi, eR laQne tiPine (arobl2ene u !ostel2ini JonginCoog
stana" Jer, %ad dod2e !roleRe, bu2ica nesta2e, i ostal2a stabilan !roto% u %oritu"
C
Kyungsoo se tegli na JonginCoom duPe%u do% !osmatra (aese %o2e i(diPu Qiot u
stotine Qutih !a!iriRa na (idoima, do% Jongin masira so2e grlo !alOeima" ,astro2en
Pa!at !relomi smireno, B&(ini".
Ka(duh (aibrira, ne od JonginCoog i(in2en2a, eR od dahta2a %o2i (iQde u n2egoim
!luRima" Hu%aPi ru%u !od JonginCou ma2icu, Kyungsoo !oOe da bro2i rebra so2im
%aQi!rstom, blago BJedan, da, tri"""." Jongin se trgnu, a Kyungsoo !ol2ubi
i(nenad2en2e na n2egoim usnama" BShhh""" Aemo2 da se i(in2aaP".
JonginCu 2e dugo trebalo da se o!usti i do!usti KyungsooCu da stai so2e dlanoe na
n2egou %oQu i obo2i 2e to!lotom i !odrP%om, B,adi se o tome da, 2a Oa% ne mogu ni da
te olim %a%o treba".
Kyungsoo fr%nu, (abi so2e !rste oPtro i(med2u JonginCoih rebara i smeh i(bi i(
JonginCa" Kyungsoo uhati JonginCoo lice sa obe ru%e i !ruQi mu dug !ol2ubac"
42ubiOasta sen%a 2e !od n2ihoim telima %ad se Kyungsoo odmaOe i !usti da ni2anse
n2egoog daha !luta2u letargiOno" BJongin, sluPa2, briga me (a se'" KiPe 2e nego dobar"
*i oa%o eR odimo l2uba".
Jongin (aroni glau u 2astu%" Kyungsoo 2e !odiQe" Jongin odrati !ogled" Kyungsoo
rati n2egou glau na(ad" Aa %ra2u, Jongin !ostid2eno reOe, BHbi2aP me, hyung"
Starno me ubi2aP".
B5aPtoE.
Aema odgoora, !a Kyungsoo !omisli da 2e to 2oP 2edna od onih stari %o2e Jongin
%aQe be( ra(loga" Jedna od onih stari %o2e dod2u i odu" Do% nebo !osta2e tamni2e,
!itan2e se rasu, i ne rati se"
C
BGde misao ode %ada 2e (aboral2enaE.
BAe (nam" Dale%oE.
B)o 2e neodreSeno".
BJa nisam !isac".
BAe budi neodreSen".
BPa umire" *isao umire".
BVta a%o 2a ne QelimE., Jongin otora i (atara u!al2aO, !osmatra2uRi !lamen" BAe
do(oli mi da umrem, hyung" 1beRa2 da ReP me se seRati".
B1%e2, obeRaam" SeRaRu te se".
B5aue%".
B5aue%".
Posto2e remena %ada istina boli iPe od laQi i remena %ada 2e laQ dool2no bolna da
!o%ida osobu na !ola"
B#oReP li me oleti sutraE.
BAarano".
B1beRa2 mi".
BKoleRu te sutra, i !amtiRu te (aue%" Sad mi da2 ta2 u!al2aO !re nego mi (a!aliP stan".
Jongin mu na!isa !oru%u da bi se seRao obeRan2a, BMo%e ime %e Kim ongin. a sam
pisa! &o%i Livi pored. Pidimo se sutra, hyung. 9emo% da CaboraviHZ. Kyungsoo se
nasme2a u(iOni%u, Jongin ga udari i oni se al2a2u (a2edno, is!od !o%riaOa, na
blago2 ni(brdici nade" Kyungsoo shati da su laQi ono Pto odrQaa JonginCa, !a 2e
moQda u redu da malo laQe"
Aa %ra2u, nadan2e se (arPilo i laQi su oslabile" JonginCo glas 2e tih i usaml2en %ad
!romrsi u KyungsooCou %osu, B&mam samo de stari na oom setu, hyung" )ebe i
!les" Hs%oro, is%oreniRe !les i( mo2ih %osti2u, i na %ra2u, u(eRe i tebe""".
Kyungsoo do(oli JonginCu da obai2e ru%e o%o n2egoog rata i !ribliQi ga u (agrl2a2"
Katra se ugasi i tama se nastani" Aa!ol2u !ada %iPa"
C
H ne%im trenucima, %ada Kyungsoo !osmatra JonginCa %a%o !lePe, moQe da !rimeti
%a%o n2egoi !o%reti (aosta2u, ne (naOa2no, ali dool2no" AeodluOni !o%reti (globoa,
strah i Qudn2a u i(da2niO%om o%lean2u" Kao da se n2egoi miPiRi na!reQu (a nePto Pto
n2egoe tetie (adrQaa2u" Kao da 2e (arobl2en, ne!restano 2ureRi melodi2u %o2a 2e
ue% (a ta%t brQa" Jongin eroatno to (na, setlucan2e frustraci2e i 2ada %o2e se Piri
n2egoim (enicama 2e oOigledno"
Kremenom, i ti trenuci su nestali" Aema iPe frustraci2e, ni Qal2en2a, ni !o%reta, ni
borbe, niOega" Samo duh %o2i sedi na drugom %ra2u bara, i ras!ada se !ola%o na
Oestice !raPine i setlosti"
1nda su tu trenuci %ada Kyungsoo !ea i !rimeRu2e %a%o Jongin steQe !esnice,
tragoe ugri(a na don2o2 usni, umorne oOi, s!uPtena ramena" Se se ras!alo, ne u(
!o%liO, eR u( nei(beQan u(dah" AeQan, stabilan, nei(beQan"
Aa!oslet%u, reOenica %o2a o!isu2e JonginCa %ao !lesaOa na %ra2u albuma, !osta2e
nePto %ao laQ, 2er, Jongin iPe ne !lePe" A, ni2e ni !isac" Ae Oini se %ao da 2e on Ooe%
sa te stranice" Ae Oini se Oa% ni da 2e Ooe%, moQda samo leP %o2i na %ra2u sa%og sata
!onal2a, B#yung, 2e lN se seRaP %ada""".
C
4etn2a noR oPuri KyungsooCa %ad (a%oraOi u lift" Stranac u liftu %limnu saQet !o(dra"
:8" 2ul 2e, reme %ada 2e set !re!un ne!ou(danih uliOnih setala, !i2anih urli%a i
!oremenih na!ada smeha" H oom trenut%u, tu su samo n2ih do2e, i nametl2i mir"
Ka%o se te% ratio i( bara, Kyungsoo !o%uPaa da se oslobodi %o%tela od metalnog
dima i gustog mirisa al%ohola uhaRenog u n2egoo2 %osi" Posledn2i tonoi sa%sofona
ugn2e(diPe se u n2egoim enama, ali ni ra(laOen2e cinquillo ta%ta !od n2egoom
%oQom ni2e dool2no da !o!uni !onor i(med2u n2ega i stranca"
Stranac, sa ne(a!al2enom cigaretom i(med2u (uba, !ri se o%renu" Ae!ri2atno
osetl2en2e u liftu, !o%ri ga Qutom bo2om i teP%im elom mrtila" Kyungsoo se u!ita,
sa ritmom %o2i i dal2e tuOe u n2egoim enama, da li 2e %oQa oog Ooe%a starno
!lastiOna %ao Pto i(gleda"
BKruRe" Kreme" KruRe 2e"., on reOe, !ruQa2uRi ru%u %o2u Kyungsoo sa o%lean2em
uhati" A2ego stisa% 2e i(nenad2u2uRe hladan, dugi !rsti, i no%ti iseOeni %rat%o i oPtro,
%oQa (ategnuta !re%o %oPOatih (globoa" Ali !orh sega, on drhti, Kyungsoo shati"
A2egoi (ubi P%l2oca2u i 2eda da moQe da ga !ogleda"
BHm., Kyungsoo i(usti" #tede da u!ita da li 2e stranac dobro, (aPto se trese, ali
i(med2u P%ri!e lifta i !uc%etan2a fluorescentne si2alice, reOi se i(gubiPe" BDa, da" KruRe
2e eOeras".
Stranac niPta ne reOe" Hmesto toga, on se nasloni (a (idoe lifta i !oOe da !rela(i
oOima duQ KyungsooCoe figure, %ao da Oe%a da ga Kyungsoo !re!o(na" )o 2e ta%a
ne%i !ogled da natera KyungsooCa da se !ouOe i(a so2e 2a%ne, mada mu tana% slo2
%aPmira malo moQe !omoRi da se sa%ri2e" Kreme sto2i na !rstima do% se rata ne
otoriPe i Kyungsoo is!usti dahta2 a(duha, nesestan da ga 2e (adrQaao"
)e% %asni2e, do% 2e hodao hodnicima i !rimetio da stranac ide (a n2im, te% tada 2e
shatio da oo eroatno ni2e !ri !ut da su se sreli"
BDa li te (nam odne%udE., on na!o%on u!ita, glas muOno od2e%u2e hodnicima"
Stranac se (austai na susednim ratima, rteRi %l2uOee o%o %aQi!rsta" 1ds2a2
meseOine odbi se od neOega na n2egoom odelu" Kyungsoo !rimeti !ar dugmadi (a
manQetne, blistaih, i re%ao bi, s%u!ih, !reiPe s%u!ih da bi !ri!adali ne%ome %o Qii
u re(idenci2i %ao oa"
BDa liE., stranac se namrPti"
Kyungsoo se ne seRa da 2e naiPao na n2egoo lice u albumu ili na (elenim !a!iriRima
!o (idu" *oQda 2e !res%oOio stranicu" DogaSalo se i rani2e" HQurbano !osegnu (a
torbom, ali ga u(i% smeha (austai, B5naOi, ne seRaP se" +aP niOegaE.
BVtaE Tega bi trebalo da se seRamE.
BAiOega" Starno" AiOega"., stranac se nasmePi, ili moQda (a2eca, %ad se nasloni na
rata i s%li(nu dole, dole, dole" Ta% i u mra%u, setlucan2e straha i( n2egoog %e(a 2e
idl2io" )o Oini da i(gleda mlad2e nego Pto 2este, s%oro tuQno".
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4ubenica ima u%us OaSi, a a(duh ne%e neidl2ie, ne2asne melodi2e u n2egoim
enama" KyungsooCu 2e teP%o da !roguta" Danas 2e se ne!rimetno, %lac%a se na iici
!osto2an2a"
BJongin., Kyungsoo reOe, adeRi crne semen%e so2im o!re(nim !rstima, B5aPto si
ta%o tihE.
BJa sam ue% tih"., Jongin odgoori"
Aala(e se na KyungsooCoom bal%onu, sedeRi u%rPtenih nogu" 5idoi !uni !lesni i(a,
a bes%ra2no !redgrad2e is!red n2ih" Kyungsoo oseRa %ao da su na setu (a sniman2e
filma, sagrad2enom od !raPine i sloml2enih snoa" *ora da 2e starni set tamo
negde, gde se smeh ne Oini %ao nemoguRi i(ra( na JonginCoom !ustom licu"
BAe, nisi".
BKa%o ti (naPE Ai2e %ao da se seRaP".
B5aPto si u(nemirenE.
BAisam".
BJesi".
Jongin !oOe l2utito da gri(e !arOe lubenice" Ka!l2ice so%a cure i( n2egoih usana, a on
ih grubo briPe so2im ru%aima" H(nemiren 2e, to 2e 2asno, ali Kyungsoo misli da 2e to
moQda nePto malo iPe od u(nemirenosti" Te%a2uRi str!l2io, Kyungsoo u!i2a (u%e
Qa%an2a i gutan2a lubenice" Ali Jongin ne !rogoara, samo nastal2a da 2ede se brQe i
brQe"
BGleda2, Pta sam !ogrePno re%aoE Jongin, 2a Qelim da imam e(u sa tobom, ali ne
moQeP da budeP oa""".
BAe, hyung" *ogu" Jer mi nemamo 2ebenu e(u., Jongin i(nenada !uOe, B& ni%ada 2e
neRemo ni imati" ShataP to, (ar neE *oQeP da !o%uPaaP, ali me neReP ni%ada
(a!amtiti" Jednostano 2e ta%o".
Kyungsoo ne Qeli da !laOe, ali 2edan 2eca2 slomi n2egou fasadu i se ode u d2aola"
Jongin, 2oP besni2i, B)i Oa% nemaP !raa da budeP u(nemiren" +udiP se sa%og 2utra, i
se 2e su!er i s2a2no, ali Pta 2e sa mnomE.
BYao mi""".
BJa te olim, 2ebote, a o!et moram da se !redstal2am sa%o 2ebeno 2utro" Je lN ti
uo!Pte (naP %a%o 2e toE Ae, ne (naP, 2er me ti (a!rao ne oliP" +e( onih beleP%i, tu
nema niOega" Aema a!solutno, baP niOega" Ja sam (a!rao tebi samo stranac, i oa
e(a 2e samo !redstaa" JoP 2edan roman" &(miPl2otina" Ja Oa% ni ne !iPem 2ebeni
roman, 2a ga 2ebeno !roQil2aam".
Aa%on duQe !au(e (aOu se B&(ini. od 2ednog od n2ih" *oQda od obo2e"
BPre de eOeri, !o%u!io sam se beleP%e o nama i( tog stana, i 2uOe, hteo sam da
!roerim da li ReP se setiti eOeri %ada smo se drugi !ut sreli, bar trun%a
!re!o(naan2a, ali narano""".
Jongin u!lete so2e !rste u KyungsooCoe i stegnu ih, le!l2ie mrl2e so%a od lubenice
!o (no2aim dlanoima" BIo Oin2enica" Ja Ru umreti" Jednog dana, ti ReP nas
(aboraiti" A onda, dan !osle toga, (aboraiReP mene" Ta% ne (bog to2e amne(i2e" KeR
(bog remena" Jer to reme radi" H(ima male deloe" Pro one be(naOa2ne, a onda
one bitne""" & onda, !re nego Pto shatiP, si Re nestati, i ti neReP (nati Pta nedosta2e
do%""".
BAe, Jongin, ni2e ta%o""" *o2a glaa 2e loPa, ali mo2e srce., Kyungsoo !ritisnu n2ihoe
ru%e na grudi i udahnu dubo%o, %ao da a(duh moQe da !o!uni !ra(ninu med2u
n2ima" JonginCoa to!lota %ao da !rodire %ro( n2egou %oQu i Oini n2ego stoma%
laganim, ot%l2uOaa2uRi reOi sa mesta (a %o2a ni2e ni (nao da !osto2e, Bmo2e srce 2e
dobro" 5a!amtiRu te tu" Ae mogu da (a!amtim niPta o tebi, ali %ad si ti !ored2en,
mo2e srce 2e !ored2eno" Kad se ti sme2eP, mo2e srce se sme2e" *ogu da te olim i be(
seRan2a samo se drQi" DrQi se, molim te".
C Ao, Jongin, itNs not li%e that"
*y head is bad, but my heart""" my heart is good" &Nll remember you there"
& can loe you een without memories, so 2ust hang on" #ang on, !leaseE
Aa%on duge borbe, Jongin us!ea da isforsira osmeh na lice, %o2i !odrhtaa i na %ra2u
se ras!ade %ad reOe (amiPl2eno, brutalno, B1o ni2e l2ubana !riOa, hyung" Ae ide to
ta%o". 1n udahnu" B5ar ne idiP, hyungE AaP %ra2 2e 2asan" Se 2e s%icirano na samom
!oOet%u, Oa% !re nego Pto smo se uo!Pte u!o(nali".
&a%o Jongin Oe%a !rigoor, ia%o obo2e Oe%a2u !rigoor, Kyungsoo nema Pta da %aQe"
Jeca2i stru2e %ro( n2egoo telo, teP%o i uQasno, i on ne us!e ni na2man2i !rotest da
na!rai %ad Jongin nastai, B5naP, 2ednog dana, neRu biti u stan2u da dota%nem to2e
lice, da !riOam sa tobom" Samo Ru""" leQati, !osmatra2uRi te %a%o !laOeP, u%oOenog
tela, i, i mo2a ru%a o%o to2e""" DrQaReP mo2u ru%u baP %ao sada, ali biRe hladna i
boleRe, boleRe iPe nego sada" & %ad ta2 dan dod2e, hyung, obeRa2 mi da ReP me !ustiti"
Da ReP otiRi %uRi i s%inuti bele rade""".
BAe".
BJer, sluPa2, hyung" )i ne (asluQu2eP da"""., JonginCo glas se slomi" Kyungsoo tada
shati da i on !laOe, da !laOe se reme, Bda idiP bele rade %a%o enu".
C +ecause, listen, hyung" =ou donNt desere to""" see daisies wither"""
BAe., Kyungsoo stegnu obe JonginCoe ru%e, s%u!iPi se smrs%ane %osti i !o%idane
tetie i mlitae (globoe, BAe, ne, neZ.
C
&(med2u meseci i se%undi, Kyungsoo iPe ne mari (a %a(al2%e i satoe i %alendare"
Pone%ad (aborai i datum" Pone%ad !ogleda %ro( !ro(or i !ita se %o2e 2e godiPn2e
doba" A2ego album iPe nema aQuriran2a i ni2e siguran da li ima 89 ili 8W godina 2er
iona%o nema e(e" He% Re biti na istom mestu, 2ednostano ta%o stari sto2e"
Ali %ad dod2e Jongin, se se sredi" Posledn2i 2e mesec 2eseni" 89:G" &ma 8W godina" 5a
tri meseca 87, i ludo 2e (al2ubl2en, toli%o da boli" +oli 2er 2e eR !osledn2i mesec 2eseni,
2er 2e leto gotoo, a on ga se ne seRa, 2er 2e u ta%o2 e(i %o2a ga Oini !ohle!nim i
besnim i tuQnim (bog sega Pto ne moQe da ima"
H ta%o2 e(i %o2a ga tera da se drQi (a JonginCa sa%e noRi, !re%lin2uRi ga da mu
do(oli da se seti sega od danas, i od 2uOe i"""
BSutra., Jongin se ubaci" Kyungsoo !omisli da Jongin miriPe na 2od, antise!ti%e i
bolniO%e OarPae" B)i moQeP da se seRaP sutra" Ja Ru !amtiti sa naPa 2uOe, a ti !amti
sa naPa sutra" )o bi bilo s2a2no".
C =ou can remember tomorrow" &ll remember all of our yesterdays"
Kyungsoo reOe be(i(raQa2no, B)o nema smisla, %a%o se uo!Pte !amti sutraE.
BPa., Jongin se o!usti u KyungsooCoim ru%ama, do(oli da n2egoa led2a !o!une
!ra(ninu u KyungsooCoim grudima i da im se obra(i dodirnu, BSutra, seRam se da
Remo iRi na !laQu, iE.
B& PtaE.
B& Pta ti !amtiP da Remo raditiE.
BJongin, o Oemu ti uo!Pte !riOaPE Ka%o !amtiP nePto Pto se ni2e ni dogodilo""".
BShush" Da idimo" Ja !amtim da Re oda biti blistaa" Sunce Re (ala(iti, l2ubiOasta i
crena bo2a med2u oblacima" +iRe tiho, samo (u%oi ode i etra i tog glasa"
PeaReP i (a%o!aaReP sto!ala u !esa% do% sam 2a u odi" Ja Ru !lesati, ti ReP !eati"
Ja Ru se sa!lesti, ti ReP i(uRi sto!ala i( !es%a i !o%uPati da me uhatiP" Kad
!rimetim %a%o le!o i(gledaP, dobiRu i(nenadnu Qel2u da te staim u
%om!romitu2uRu !o(ici2u" KodiRemo l2uba baP tada i tu, i !esa% Re biti sud !o
nama, i ti ReP !oludeti, narano, i o!raReP eP D !uta, ali to 2e !osle, narano, !re
toga, eOeraRemo sedeRi na %rou %ola" *oQemo da 2edemo hamburgere, sa dosta
%aO%aal2a""".
Kyungsoo se (amisli, B& gledaRemo (ala(a% sunca" Ja Ru nastaiti da !eam, i ti ReP
(grabiti mo2u ru%u i oduRi me sa %roa" PlesaRemo (a2edno" Sme2aRemo se" )i ReP
se sme2ati 2aOe, ali 2a Ru se sme2ati duQe" Komarci Re biti suda, eroatno" Ja Ru
Qeleti da %renemo, ali ti ReP hteti da ostanemo 2oP malo, 2er si ti ta%a, i 2a Ru te uRi,
a ti ReP se boriti, ali ReP se na %ra2u !redati 2er Ru te 2a udariti" &li Ru se moQda 2a
!redati %ad ti uhatiP mo2u ru%u i !ol2ubiP me strasteno".
Jongin POe!a n2egou ru%u i !riuOe ga toli%o bli(u da Kyungsoo moQe osetiti
JonginCoe i(dahe na so2im usnama, B1a%oE.
B1 Oemu ra(miPl2aP sadaE.
BKoli%o Qelim da ostanemo oa%o".
Posto2e !itan2a %o2e Kyungsoo ne !ita JonginCa" Ae !ita ga da li oo moQe da tra2e
(aue%, ili %oli%o 2e sutra starno !reostalo, 2er, !one%ad, istina 2e !resetla" *oQe
2edino da se drQi (a se%unde, sa%i gest, sa%i dodir, sa%i slog" Jongin tra2e
se%undu" Se tra2e se%undu"
Samo %ad bi se%unde tra2ale dool2no dugo"
C
Kada se Kyungsoo sutradan !robudio, oni nisu iPli na !laQu" 5a!rao, nema toga
Boni." Aema Qutih !a!iriRa na (idoima, nema reOi na !osledn2o2 strani albuma,
nema %om!romitu2uRih !o(a ni hamburgera na %rou %ola" )u 2e samo Kyungsoo,
%o2i trOi ni(a ste!enice ne bi li stigao na !osao, eOera (a !ra(nim tr!e(ari2s%im
stolom, Oe%a sedam sati sa !ogledom na %omPi2s%o2 terasi i Oudan oseRa2 da 2e nePto
!ogrePno"
Do% !odePaa melodi2u is!red magloitog scens%og osetl2en2a, (uri u !ra(no
mesto na drugom %ra2u bara i !ita se Pta ta !ra(nina u n2egoim grudima
!redstal2a" 5aPto sa%a nota dola(i i( !ogrePnog notnog %l2uOa" *inseo% 2e
!o%uPao da !rilagodi so2u 2aOinu da bi !ri%rio KyungsooCoe greP%e, ali 2e sa
remenom odustao" BVta 2e s tobomE., on reOe %ada su i(aPli na !au(u"
BAe (nam., Kyungsoo !romrml2a" AiPta Oudno se ni2e dogodilo danas" Se se
dogad2a u s%ladu sa beleP%ama"
BGde 2e ona2 !isacE Kim JonginE.
BKo2i !isacE. 2e ono Pto 2e Kyungsoo hteo da !ita, ali to ne%a%o i(ad2e %ao u(dah
neob2aPn2ie !ani%e i bola, gotoo !reiPe glasan da bi bio registroan"
&nstin%tino, on !osegnu (a so2im albumom, !relista se stranice, !a 2oP 2ednom,
!a 2oP 2ednom, sa istim drhtaim u(dahom, BJa ne (nam ni2ednog !isca".
Sno! osuPenih belih rada s%li(nu sa (adn2e %orice" Kyungsoo se slomi" Aema
ni%oga da ga uhati oa2 !ut"
C
+udi se u o%tobru, u( (elenu bo2u na (idoima, bo2u sintetiO%e trae %o2a ni%ada ne
umire" Set u o%tobru ene sa sa%im (alas%om sunca, do% ne nastane !ara od
trulog liPRa i (aboral2enih obeRan2a" Sa o%tobrom stiQu bes%ra2ne %iPe %o2e briPu
besmrtne otis%e sto!ala i doode noe l2ude u bar"
+udi se u noembru, u( beli, sneQni !o%riaO %o2i ugleda %ro( !ro(or" Po(nati
nagon da (aroni glau u 2astu% i !oOne da !laOe %ao da sutra neRe doRi, (gruPa se u
n2egoim creima" Aoembar donosi dane %o2i nesta2u be( traga i noRi %o2e !osta2u
!oOeta% %ra2a, i %ra2 !oOet%a" H noembru, sutra !resta2u da dola(e" H noembru,
on se !ita %oli%o 2e dugo Qieo oa%o, %oli%o dugo Re 2oP Qieti oa%o, %oli%o 2e sutra
!reostalo !re nego ga reme !usti"
+udi se u decembru, Oetiri dana !re +oQiRa u( %ucan2e na ratima" )ama guta
n2ego stan do% %oraOa do rata, Oita2uRi !oru%e na (idoima" 1t%l2uOaa rata
rata, otara ih i"""
B#yung., Pa!nu deOa% na ratima" 1no Pto Kyungsoo idi 2e mePaina modrih
usana i oteOenih oOi2u, %o2a drhti is!od tan%e bolniO%e odore ni sa Oim !re%o sem
!ahul2ica u %osi i !lastiOnih !a!uOa na nogama" DeOa% !o%uPaa da se nasme2e
tragoima %o2i su ostali na ugloima n2egoih usana, ali se se oto!i %ada !omeri
so2u ilicu, Bhyung., 2eca2, Bhyung, hyung""".
1groman, neob2aPn2ii talas ola%Pan2a !re%lo!i KyungsooCa, ali to ni2e dool2no da
ga (austai da i(goori, BKo si tiE.
Pau(a"
BAarano, narano da si (aboraio" Ka%o glu!o od mene""".
Kyungsoo !osmatra %a%o nePto teOe i( deOa%oih eR crenih oOi2u sa ogromnom
rado(naloPRu, ili moQda sa trun%om neob2aPn2ie em!ati2e" 5astraPu2uRe 2e %a%o se
oa sarPena %onstru%ci2a %osti2u la%o slama" DeOa% (adrhta, Paoi !u%oPe od
eru!ci2e neOu2nog !laOa" ,u%aima obrisa su(e do% mu se ceo grudni %oP trese od
neutePne Qalosti, ali na %ra2u, !roguta se"
Aa!rai mali !o%ret, sliOan mahan2u, %o2i delu2e ta%o %rh%o, B&(ini Pto te
u(nemiraam" Samo sam mislio, (a sluOa2 da se seRaP, ali""" samo""" nema e(e"""
samo Ru""".
Pahul2e se sudara2u, male setluca2uRe sfere, %ao svici %ad Kyungsoo uhati
deOa%o (glob i !ouOe ga %a ratima" Ai2e ra(miPl2ao o n2egoo2 %rtosti tada,
(a!rao, ni2e sestan uo!Pte o Oemu ra(miPl2a, BAe, !ada sneg" Dod2i da ti dam
2a%nu" 5a%aOiReP ne%u !rehladu".
BPrehladu., deOa%o smeh (uOi %ao na2tuQni2a star u unier(umu, B(a%aOiRu
!rehladu".
C
Aa !utu (a bolnicu, deOa% se !redstaio %ao Jongin" ,e%ao 2e KyungsooCu Oetiri
Oin2enice na (adn2em sediPtu ta%si2a" Pra, on 2e !isac" Druga, eR su se sreli" )reRa,
on umire" Tetrta, obrisao 2e sebe i( n2egoog albuma (bog tih Oin2enica"
B,e%li su da imam Pest meseci" *oQda godinu a%o se !a(im., Jongin reOe, do%
n2egoe oOi refle%tu2u (oru %o2a leti !ored !ro(ora, BPa sam hteo da i(igraam
hero2a" Da do!ustim da budem (aboral2en, da te s!asim od sih 2uOe i da ti
ostaim sa sutra ali""" onda su mi re%li da imam !neumoniaCu" Ai2e bilo Pest
meseci" &mao sam Oetiri nedel2e" *oQda tri" & !u%ao sam" 5a!eo sam sa sim 2uOe
do% si ti nastaio be( mene i to od2ednom ni2e deloalo ona%o %a%o sam to
(amiPl2ao i 2a, starno""" i(ini" 4agao sam" Ja nisam hero2" Ja sam %u%aica".
A2ihoa %olena su se dota%la, Kyungsoo se ni2e i(ma%ao" BJe lN ti se 2a""" sid2amE.
BSid2aP., deOa% !onoi i !onoo se nasme2a do% i(goara, BAe, 2a samo Qelim da
budem u sim to2im sutra" Yelim da me se setiP".
C & 2ust want to be in all of your tomorrows"
Kyungsoo (na istinu" Siguran 2e da 2e i Jongin (na" Yel2e su Qel2e" *olite su samo
molite" Grad %o2i se %reRe !o%ra2 !ro(ora moQda si2a (bog +oQiRa i to!line (bog
Aoe godine, ali to ne men2a Oin2enicu da 2e !reiPe, !reiPe" Ae%e stari
2ednostano nisu moguRe"
B*islim, ni2e da ti moraP da me se seRaP" Ja nisam u (abludi" Starno, moQeP da me
ostaiP %od bolnice i""" samo""" 2a sam samo Qeleo da te idim 2oP 2ednom""" Pto sam i
uradio, !ret!ostal2am" &(ini starno Pto sam te u(nemirio., Jongin se nasme2a"
Sa%i !ut %ad se nasme2e, Kyungsoo misli da n2ego smeh (uOi se iPe %ao !laO"
B*ora da misliP da sam Ouda%, %o2i ti se niot%uda !o2aio na ratima".
BAe mislim da si Ouda%., Kyungsoo ga !re%inu, ten(i2a !oOe da bledi %ad us!e da se
isceri, Bmislim da si moron, 2er si !obegao i( bolnice u oa%om stan2u, a na!ol2u
!ada sneg".
Kola se (austaiPe" Prod2e !ar trenuta%a !re nego obo2e shatiPe da su eR na ula(u
u bolnicu i da 2e doPao trenuta% da Kyungsoo ode, a da Jongin ostane" A2ihoe
!osledn2e se%unde, %ulturni osmesi i nelagodni na%loni, %ao da su se !ri !ut sreli i
%ao da JonginCoe crene oOi ne (naOe niPta"
B#e2., Jongin reOe, BJa samo""" imam 2oP 2edan, !osledn2i (ahte.
BDaE.
B#oReP li reRi mo2e imeE Posledn2i !ut".
Kyungsoo !roOisti grlo i !o%uPa da i(goori slogoe, ali ne%a%o, oni su (a!eli na
iicama n2egoog grla Oa% i %ad 2e otorio usta" AiPta ne i(la(i" Kad 2e !osegnuo da
dodirne so2 rat, shatio 2e da se trese i da nePto ni2e u redu sa n2im" Set se
obruPaa na n2ega, i n2egoo srce 2a%o, 2a%o boli"
BJong"""., Kyungsoo !roguta o%lean2e i fo%usira se na slogoe, BJongin".
B#ala ti" #ala ti., drugo hala 2e i(reOeno me%o, s%oro %ao da se odnosilo na
mnogo (naOa2nice stari" *oQda na nePto %ao B2vala ti Hto si me sreo, pronaHao,
iCvu&ao iC &rhotina sloml%enih deliJa. 2vala ti Hto si mi pruLio Livot, suCe, Lel%e,
redove i redove Lutih lepl%ivih papiriJa &o%i osvetl%ava%u mo%u sobu &ada Cavese
ugase sun!e. 2vala ti Hto si me nauIio &oli&o %a&o svi!i mogu da svetle.#
Ali Kyungsoo ne Ou2e niPta od toga" Se Pto on Ou2e 2e Seoul u (oru, (iQduci
!oetarca i JonginCoo teP%o disan2e"
BAema na Oemu., Kyungsoo u(rati %ruto" Danas 2e baP hladno, ali Jongin ne drhti
do% i(la(i i( %ola" 1n (alu!i ratima i !ogleda na(ad" 1tara2uRi !ro(or, Kyungsoo
se u!ita (aPto se oseRa %ao da mu se ceo set sruPio" Aa!ol2u, do% etar !rodire u
n2egoe %osti i 2uri %ro( %osu, Jongin se nasmePi" Kyungsoo %limnu" Ae%oli%o
!ahul2a !ade sa neba, !a nestade"
BPa".
B1%e2".
1dustali su od reOi, 2er dele miPl2en2e da su reOi nes!retne" ,eOi su %ao male %omete
%o2e ostal2a2u i(a sebe ladainu su(a i sumn2e" 1ni ne mogu da !riuPte reOi" Aema
su(a, ni %ometa, ni sumn2e u oom ra(gooru" Samo blistai sneg" Kyungsoo is!ruQi
ru%u %ro( !ro(ors%o o%no, Jongin 2e uhati, sme2uRi se neOemu Pto Kyungsoo ne
moQe da ra(ume, a onda se o%renu i ode" Aoge !remrPae, led2a is%ril2ena, glaa
!reiso%o u!rs%os !rstima %o2i drhte"
Kyungsoo se o%renu %a o(aOu, BKratite me na(ad, molim as".
Po%uPaa da se !retara da 2e se oo !rirodno i normalno, 2er 2este" Aa %ra2u
%ra2ea, on ne !o(na2e oog JonginCa" Ae ra(ume (naOen2e sih 2uOe i sutra i !orh
sega, eR %asni na !osao" Sa dubo%im u(dahom seQe (ime, Kyungsoo reOe sebi da
ne Qeli da trOi, da mu id ni2e (amagl2en, da su(e ne !rete da !adnu ali"""
1ne !ada2u, 2edna !o 2edna" Kyungsoo risnu, ta%o glasno, da ne moQe da !re!o(na
so2 glas"
C
Do% sto2i na %ra2u sobe, Kyungsoo %u!i do%tors%e nala(e i !isma" AePto u e(i
tretmana %iseoni%om, ali to ni2e dool2no, antibiotici, ali 2etra ot%a(u2e, moQda da
ga !rebace na inten(inu negu, ali ni2e %ao da Re to nePto !romeniti, bar Re sni(iti
tem!eraturu, ali !luRa neRe i(drQati" 1n ne ra(ume oe %ru!ne reOi, Symbicort i
)heo!hilline i %orti%osteroidi, ali ra(ume ot%uca2e male %a(al2%e i(med2u redoa,
ne!restano !iPtan2e monitora, besmislena i(in2en2a %ao B9e moLemo viHe niHta da
uradimo..
BAe Qelim da umrem., Jongin reOe, glas !riguPen mas%om (a %iseoni%" Kyungsoo se
smesti u stolicu !ored %reeta i !osmatra !lastiOne ene %o2e i(la(e i( JonginCoih
ru%u" Ae%a%o, on i(gleda ta%o sitno"
BAeReP da umreP" ,e%li su da ReP biti dobro".
B4aQo., Jongin se nasme2a, odmahu2uRi glaom, i tad Kyungsoo shati da se on
(a!rao ne sme2e" Da !laOe" B5a tri nedel2e, u oom %reetu Re biti ne%i drugi deO%o"
5a Oetiri, !lafon" &mam !neumoni2u" Pored fibro(e, 2a imam 2ebenu !neumoni2u".
B+iReP dobro., Kyungsoo insistira, ia%o Jongin ni2e u !rau (a tri nedel2e, 2er 2e iPe
%ao de, BSe 2e u redu sa tobom".
BAe., Jongin (atori oOi" Kyungsoo ne (na Pta iPe da uradi sem da ustane i !red2e
!rstima !re%o JonginCoih grudi"
Jongin se br(o i(ma%nu" BVta sadE.
BAa!isaRu +ogu !ismo" *oram" Ae sme da u(me ta !luRa" Potrebna su ti.,
Kyungsoo odluOi, !ribliQiPi se JonginCu i nastal2a2uRi da crta neidl2ie lini2e na
n2egoo2 %oQi, BStarno su ti !otrebna".
)iPina !ade, i na%on Pto !ade, iPe se ne diQe" JonginCoo mrml2an2e 2e %ao utara
i(a Puma %lime"
BKada sam !ri !ut Ouo da Ru da umrem, mislio sam""" na!o%on""" hala""" ali sada"""
sada, Qelim bar 2oP 2ednu dodatnu minutu, milise%undu" Yelim iPe remena, sa
tobom, hyung" Aisam te 2oP oleo, nisam 2oP (arPio., n2egoe oOi su se (atorile !re
nego 2e Kyungsoo us!eo da ga uhati (a ru%u i da mu %aQe da ima2u dool2no
remena" Da nema Qurbe, da Re se biti o%e2, 2er Re on da ode %uRi i da (a!iPe se
oo BKim ongin, Capadno &rilo, soba ++(, 7eoul 2ospital, idi ta&si%em do %uLnog
ulaCa, nismo %oH CavrHili# da bi mogao da se rati sutra, i dan !osle, i dan !osle"""
C & 2ust want one more minute, one more millisecond"
& want more time, with you, hyungJ & haent loed you yet, &m not doneJ
C
B*m, moQemo da istetoiramo mo2e ime""" na to2e lice., Jongin reOe, u(ima2uRi
dubo%i udah a(duha" *edicins%a sestra ga 2e staila u %olica rani2e 2er mu 2e bilo
bol2e, a i da bi i(aPao i( sobe" BProba2 da PetaP hodnicima., re%la 2e" & eo ih, de
malene figure umotane u unu i %aPmir" HdiPu usta2ali a(duh u bes%ra2nim
hodnicima" ,anomerno ta!%an2e KyungsooCoe !ete 2e %ao testament (a n2ihoo
!osto2an2e< i dal2e su (a2edno, !roQil2aa2u 2oP 2edan dan"
BAli ne mogu da idim so2e lice".
BPa, ne moQemo na mo2e" &(gledao bih""" uQasno sa mo2im imenom na""" mom licu.,
Jongin se (a%aPl2a, B*islim, noine eR smatra2u da""" da sam narcisoidan" Samo
(amisli""" da sa(na2u (a 2ebenu""" tetoaQu""" ha".
AiPta ne goore, samo !osmatra2u druge !aci2ente" DobrodoPao mir %oga se iPe ne
!laPe, %ad Jongin !relomi, BJe lN ideP u bar""" eOerasE.
Kyungsoo slegnu ramenima, B*oQda ne eOeras".
B)o si isto""" re%ao""" i 2uOe., Jongin se isceri, oOi2u melanholiOnih is!od !oremenih
Pumoa boce sa %iseoni%om, BSutra, idi u bar" )i""" moraP da !eaP"""to 2e ono Pto ti
radiP""" Pea2" Yii Qiot".
BYiim ga sa tobom., Kyungsoo se us!rotii, B*ogu da !eam i sada".
BAe, ne !rai idiota od se""".
Ali Kyungsoo !ea, (u%oi se neQno i !ro(raOno lede u a(duhu u!r%os (aguPl2io2
atmosferi, i ome%Paa2u JonginCo namrPten !ogled" 1%lea2uRi, JonginCoi !rsti
!oOePe ta!%ati naslon (a ru%e"
KyungsooCu ni2e trebalo dugo da shati da JonginCoi !rsti, ne samo da !rate
ritam, eR !lePu ne%u rstu magi2e u ledu" Kad Kyungsoo %le%nu !red n2im, naPaPi
se oOi u oOi, se se ne%a%o sloQi" JonginCoi rhoi !rsti2u na KyungsooCoim
dlanoima" 4agano i !ola%o" BArabes>ue., on Pa!nu, reOi %ao belo in2e na !lastici"
A2egoi !rsti na!raiPe mali s%o%, Bgrand 2et-. i o%ret na (globu, !rsti %o2i se rte
i(mamiPe osmeh i( KyungsooCoog dlana, Bfouett- en tourant., do %ra2a n2egoog
dlana i na(ad, Beo sissonne, 2edan, da i"""., obo2e !restaPe da diPu %ad JonginCoi
!rsti !red2oPe !re%o KyungsooCoih (globoa, !a !re%o nadla%tice, ru%e, ramena,
%l2uOne %osti, rata, don2e usne, sto!"
1ni dele osmeh, to%om %oga Kyungsoo !ritisnu so2e usne na JonginCoe !rste, na
hladnu, modru %oQu" Jongin (arumeni, s%oro !reiPe blistao u odnosu na bolniO%u
odoru" Kyungsoo !omisli da si2a, moQda %ao sitac"
Kada se n2ihoa !esma (arPila, sestra !o(a JonginCa na(ad u sobu, 2er nefiltriran
a(duh ni2e dobar (a n2egoa !luRa" AiPta ni2e dobro (a n2egoa !luRa"
B4a%u noR, hyung., Jongin i(dahnu, do% mu da2u dnenu do(u morfi2uma" 1Oi
!oOin2u da mu se (atara2u, i Kyungsoo (na da on to shata %ad reOe, BKolim te".
BAe, Jongin" ,eci mi da Remo se ideti sutra".
B#yung, moQda ne us!em""".
BSamoZ ,eci" *i" Da ReP., KyungsooCo glas se od2ednom !o%oleba, reOi i misli se
slomiPe" 1n se seti naOina na %o2i su JonginCoi !rsti !lesali ta%o ePto u( n2egou
ru%u, ta%o !rirodno, %ao da im 2e to 2edina srha" )a%o 2e nerealno da oa2 Jongin
leQi aneste(iran is!od !o%riaOa od fluorescentnog setla, Jongin %o2i eroatno
ni%ad iPe neRe !lesati" BSutra""" sutra""".
Jongin stai ru%u na KyungsooCo rat, !ribliQi ga sebi, i obrisa n2egoe su(e
!alcem, B1%e2, idimo se""".
Perlice teOnosti %o2e %a!l2u u n2egoe !lastiOne ene, u(ePe ga !re !osledn2e reOi"
C
Aema iPe 2uOe, a !oste!eno, nema ni danas, samo sutra" Ponesta2e im remena"
Sen%e !osta2u !reduge, setla tre!Ru !res!oro, !esma monitora na iici be%sta"
Ki%ot i(bi i( JonginCoog namrPtenog lica, ali ue% ote%ne u !romu%ao osmeh"
PreiPe glasan" PreiPe uQurban" 1n se sme2e %ao da se !laPi da iPe neRe imati
!rili%u da se nasme2e" Kao da se !laPi da Re se setla ugasiti a%o ne !rati monitore"
Pa Kyungsoo uhati n2ego (glob, %ad ni%o ne gleda, i !ritisnu so2e Oelo na
n2egoo" KaQe mu da 2e o%e2" Da ne mora da se sme2e toli%o" Da on ra(ume"
B*o2e reme 2e !o(a2ml2eno" Koli%o misliP da 2e %amataE., Jongin ra(miPl2a, do%
sestra !ostal2a ogromnu metalnu e!ruetu u n2ega" Ja%o udahnu i (adrQa a(duh
%ad %r i su%rica s%li(nuPe u !lastiOnu !osudu"
BAe (nam., Kyungsoo odgoori tiho"
BH !osledn2im trenucima, !oOneP""" !oOneP da se moliP (a stari""" hoRu li !reQieti
(imu""" moQemo li da na!raimo %imchi (a2edno""".
BJe lN QeliP %imchiE.
BA onda""" QeliP iPe" #oRu li doQieti""" da te !ol2ubim is!od imele" &""" hoRu li
doQieti""" nou godinu, 2er, 2er, Qelim da""" 2edem rice ca%es sa tobom""" #oRu li
doQieti naP rod2endan""" Qelim da idim ona2 mladeQ na tom uetu""" %ada se
nagnem""" da ti Pa!nem""" da ti !o%aQem""" !rae sice""".
BPre%ini, Jongin, doQieReP se to" KeR smo us!eli da dod2emo do imele, danas.,
Kyungsoo insistira, !o%a(u2uRi na %uti2e umotane u neons%i !a!ir na drugom %ra2u
sobe, B&mamo +oQiR" A%o smo !regurali do +oQiRa, moQemo i do Aoe godine, i
naPih rod2endana i""" mogu ti i sad !o%a(ati mladeQ a%o Qe""".
B& to ni%ad ni2e dool2no, 2er""" Pto te iPe imam""" se iPe shatam da mi i dal2e fali
toli%o mnogo tebe""" nas""".
B*oQemo da slaimo (a2edno., Kyungsoo ga !re%ide, BSe Remo !roslaiti (a2edno,
o%e2E Samo, nemo2 da !laOeP, Jongin".
B)i !laOeP""" hyung".
BUuti".
BAe Qelim 2oP da umrem, hyung., Jongin se suo na%aPl2a, do% %a!l2ice teOnosti
cure i( ugloa n2egoih oOi2u"
C
1n ne moQe iPe da goori, glana sestra ob2asni uQurbanim Pa!atima, %ao da 2e to
ne%a straPna ta2na" A2egoa !luRa ne mogu biti snabdeena sa dool2no %iseoni%a i
na2bol2e 2e da ga ne !otresamo" Ali (a KyungsooCa, to ni2e ni aQno" Jer, on ne mora
da Ou2e da Jongin goori" Ae mora ni da ga dodirne, ni da ga idi" Samo Qeli da mu
bude bli(u" Da (na da Jongin diPe, da moQe da ga Ou2e %a%o !ea (a n2ega, da
n2egoe usne mogu da se is%rie, bar malo, %ada mu is!riOa ne%i bedni ic"
Kyungsoo (a!rao ne ra(ume %a%o (na oog deO%a, ni (aPto mu %olena %leca2u %ada
ugleda bro2 na n2egoim ratima" Ali dobro, on ne ra(ume mnoge stari" A sudeRi
!o bro2u !itan2a, naP%rabanim na Qutim !a!iriRima, ne ra(ume ni Jongin"
Oednog dana, pogledaJeH na susedni bal&on, i neJeH CateJi &retena sa !igaretom.
"ih dana, hoJeH li biti tuLan8#
Kyungsoo !odiQe !ogled sa !a!ira, tre!RuRi" BJa sam eR tuQan" Aedosta2e mi da te
id2am na tom bal%onu". Vo% se !o2ai !re%o JonginCoog lica"
BKa&o si Cnao da sam to %a8#, Jongin na!isa, ta%o br(o, da 2e ru%o!is neOita%, ali
Kyungsoo (na Pta on Qeli da !ita, 2er se i on sam to !ita"
B&mao sam ta%a oseRa2., Kyungsoo se is%e(i, sreRan 2er mu 2e bar nePto ostalo u
seRan2u" *oQda i!a% ima nade (a n2ih" *oQda Re sutra Jongin !oratiti so2a !luRa,
a Kyungsoo so2e !amRen2e, a dan !osle toga Re !riOati o tome Pta su radili sutra" 1
glu!aim !a!iriRima, drhtaim ru%ama, sta%lenim oOima"
KeOeras, on %oraOa %uRi sa JonginCoim imenom na usnama" Ponal2a2uRi ga %ao
molitu, o!et, o!et i o!et, do% ni2e !ostalo !rirodno %ao disan2e" Aosi ga u san,
!re%lin2a2uRi +oga milion !uta da mu do(oli da (a!amti bar ime" Da se iPOu!a i(
snoa, a da mu on ne bude odu(et" 1n ne mora da (na se, ni n2ihou !roPlost, ni
buduRnosti, ni rline ni mane" Se Pto on Qeli 2e ime" *ali deo Kim JonginCa"
C
Kada se Kyungsoo !robudio, !ronaPao 2e Oita asortiman i(guQanih !a!iriRa u
dQe!u, !re!unih P%rabotina %o2e se 2eda ra(a(na2u" Aa!isane ueQbanom, ali
drhtaom ru%om" 1n is!rai !ri !a!iriR !re%o sog dlana, !aQl2io glaOa2uRi se
borice"
Be lM misliH da posto%i Bog8#
O-&o posto%i, %e lM misliH da bi mi dao %oH vremena8 9e mora da bude puno. Bar
nedel%a, ili Ia& dan. Bilo Hta. 9e bi mi smetalo ni da mi da %edan sat. 7e&undu.
Qelim viHe vremena. Qelim samo %oH vremena.#
O"i plaIeH8#
O"rebalo %e da prestanem da puHim rani%e, ha8#
O6re&ini da budeH ta&o hrabar, hyung.#
Posledn2i !a!iriR 2e (elene bo2e, i iice su is%r(ane i is%ril2ene i !oQutele" 1Oigledno
2e stari2i od ostalih" ,u%o!is 2e odluOni2i, sloa su na!isana sa mnogo iPe sile,
s%oro da su fi(iO%i utisnuta u !a!ir" *ed2utim, i!a% 2e dool2no idl2io da
!re!o(na, Mo%e ime %e Kim ongin. a sam pisa! &o%i Livi pored. Pidimo se sutra,
hyung. 9emo% da CaboraviHE
-
Pone%ad, %ad Kyungsoo !ogleda u JonginCa u bolnici, ni2e siguran da li gleda u
odra( ili u !rau osobu" Kao da ga 2e reme iscr!elo, uOinilo ga !ro(irnim, ali
ostailo dool2no da bi bio sen%a" Kyungsoo Qeli da !riOa sa n2im, ali sestra %aQe da
Jongin ni2e u stan2u, !a moQe samo da (uri u ongin naQrl2ano na n2egoo2 ruci"
Se%unde se !relomiPe !re%o !ostel2ine i Kyungsoo ih bro2i, 2ednu !o 2ednu, do%
Jongin !omera so2e telo" 1ronuli u(dasi !o!uniPe !ra(ninu med2u n2ima, %ad
Jongin !odignu ru%u %o2u Kyungsoo istog trenut%a uhati i stegnu"
JonginCoo mrml2an2e 2e s%oro nera(uml2io (bog PiPtan2a a(duha i( n2egoe
!lastiOne mas%e, !a on !onal2a, odluOno, do% Kyungsoo ne shati, B#oReP li biti
ode sutraE.
B5aPtoE.
B+udi ode sutra, trinaestog"""., deOa% reOe, !regoara2uRi (a sa%i slog sa dubo%im
udisa2ima a(duha, BnaP rod2endan""" sutra""" !rose%""" danaesti""" Oetrnaesti"""
trinaesti""".
Kyungsoo ga (austai" Jongin namignu" Se se (arPi ta%o la%o, ali se oni drQe
(a2edno, tananom niti nade" Kyungsoo ne ide %uRi eOeras" Pre%lin2e sestre da ga
!uste da !renoRi ode, i ne%im Oudom, one !o!uPta2u, ali mu goore da bude tih,
2er Jongin mora da odmara" Jer JonginCa niPta ne drQi u Qiotu, sem te male niti
nade"
Po%uPaa da ostane budan cele noRi da bi, sutra mogao da !ogleda JonginCa u oOi i
bude !ri %o2i mu %aQe B7reJan rod%endan Kim ongin-u i Do Kyungsoo-u#, be(
gledan2a u beleP%e" Sutra, on mora da s!asi JonginCa" *ora da ga s!asi" *ora da ga
se seti"
C
SunOea setlost u!loi u KyungsooCo san, !relomi se u nePto hladno i slano, Pto
moQda u%l2uOu2e !ro!adan2e !eta u me%ano !re!litan2e !laQe i o%eana" Jedan o%ret,
i laQni !esa% !retori se u hladnu !ostel2inu"
Kada 2e otorio oOi, %o%tel od galeboih %rila i ni2ansi !lae, (amen2en 2e tananom
(elenom lini2om %o2a s%a%uRe !o crnom e%ranu, malim !ro(orom na %ra2u tesne
bolniO%e sobe i !lastiOnim !loOicama" Se 2e !lastiOno" 1o ni2e n2egoa soba, i on
nema !redstau %a%o se !robudio !ored %reeta oog stranca" Aa n2egoo2 ruci,
na!isane su slabo, bledo sledeRe reOi, B7eti se ongin-a, naHeg rod%endana sutra
.=D. %anuar +(=G1.
Kyungsoo se us!rai" A2egoa led2a %rc%a2u, i rat ga boli 2er 2e !roeo noR
naslon2en na bolniO%om %reetu" )ad shati da ga stranac !osmatra, ods2a2 osmeha
tre!eri !re%o n2egoog ne!omiOnog i(ra(a lica"
B5draoE., Kyungsoo tre!nu" Stranac ne odgoara, moQda se samo ugao n2egoog
o%a !omeri" *oQda mu se !alac trgnu" Kyungsoo !ogleda tablu sa imenom !ored
%reeta" Kim Jongin"
H(nemiru2uRe ranomeran !roto% a(duha Pi%l2a i( bi(arnog metalnog a!arata
!ored %reeta" Kyungsoo !rati !lastiOne slamOice i( a!arata do JonginCoog lica"
#tede da mu !ostai !itan2e, eroatno o neobiOno2 !oruci na so2o2 ruci, %ad ga
nePto odalami, i on i(brbl2a, BSreRan nam rod2endan".
Stranac !o imenu Kim Jongin u(e oPtar udah a(duha" Kyungsoo oseti tr(a2
n2egoe ru%e, a onda, stranac o!et utonu u san"
Kyungsoo !omisli %a%o 2e to normalno, da 2e stranac eroatno samo umoran, ali
%onstantno !iPtan2e monitora sa (elenim lini2ama !restade i ne%a rsta alarma se
u%l2uOi" *noPto do%tora i sestara !ohita unutra i odgurnu ga, !redale%o"
Po%uPaa2u da !robude stranca" 1n shati da 2e oo !ogrePno" Da 2e se oo
!ogrePno" PogrePno"
BKim Jongin, reme smrti, ?:8X, :G" 2anuar 89:D" Ponedel2a%". PogrePno"
Kad 2e Kyungsoo i(aPao i( bolnice, su(e ga tresnuPe u lice, uhatiPe ga nes!remnog i
!olomiPe n2egoo telo u hil2ade ne!oratnih !arOiRa" Aema !o2ma (aPto i(gleda %ao
da 2e set stao ta%o le!og 2anuars%og dana, ni (aPto 2eca na sred ulice %ao da sutra
neRe doRi ni (aPto ime na n2egoo2 ruci !eOe gore nego bilo %o2e Cbogom.
C
Peta% 2e, rano 2utro, druga nedel2a 2ula, reme %ada 2e set !re!un ne!ou(danih
uliOnih setala, !i2anih urli%a i !oremenih na!ada smeha" H oom trenut%u, samo
su n2ih do2e u liftu"
Ka%o se te% ratio i( bara, Kyungsoo !o%uPaa da se oslobodi %o%tela od metalnog
dima i gustog mirisa al%ohola uhaRenog u n2egoo2 %osi" Posledn2i tonoi sa%sofona
ugn2e(diPe se u n2egoim enama, ali ni ra(laOen2e cinquillo ta%ta !od n2egoom
%oQom ni2e dool2no da mu odrati !aQn2u" Ali danas, on se oseRa odratno !ra(no,
%ao da ga 2e ne%o !re!oloio do% 2e s!aao, u%rao nePto i( n2ega i o!et ga s!o2io"
Stranac, sa ne(a!al2enom cigaretom i(med2u (uba, !ri se o%renu" Ae!ri2atno
osetl2en2e u liftu uOini da i(gleda umorno i mrPao i generalno uQasno" Kyungsoo se
u!ita, sa ritmom %o2i i dal2e tuOe u n2egoim enama, da li 2e %oQa oog Ooe%a
starno !lastiOna %ao Pto i(gleda"
BJe lN si ti Do KyungsooE., stranac u!ita, o%renuPi se baP %ada se rata otoriPe"
BDa., Kyungsoo odgoori, neodluOno %oraOa2uRi na!ol2e, BJe lN smo se u!o(naliE.
BAe baP, stranac se nasmePi, !ruQa2uRi ru%u, BJa sam 1h Sehun, bio sam Kim JonginC
o uredni%E.
AePto se u KyungsooCu us%omePa, BDrago mi 2e da sam te u!o(nao".
B1a%o, (au(et sam, !a Ru da s%ratim !riOu., Sehun reOe, i(adi nePto gloma(no i(
a%to%e i !reda ga KyungsooCu" )o 2e ses%a, Kyungsoo shati, stara i !ohabana,
uma(ana mastilom i grafitom, B1o 2e JonginCo !osledn2i roman" ,uOno na!isan i
se" 5a tebe".
Aa %ra2u, Sehun nestade u hodnicima, a Kyungsoo sedi na terasi, do% meseOina
milu2e ses%u u n2egoom %rilu" 1n o%renu !osledn2u stranicu i( hira, Oisto da !roeri
da li 2e %ra2 tuQan, 2er on ne oli tuQne %ra2ee"
Mo%e ime %e ongin. a sam pisa! &o%i Livi pored. Pidimo se sutra, hyung. 9emo% da
CaboraviHE
- #My name is ongin. Im the writer who lives ne/t door.
7ee you tomorrow, hyung. Dont 0orgetE$