My Grandmother

The frail old woman seated in the wheelchair slowly looks up when she hears
approaching footsteps. I look at the deeply wrinkled face and search for some signs of
recognition but fail to do so. She, on her part, looks at me blankly and after a few
seconds continues doing what she had been doing earlier looking at her gnarled
fingers and toying with the gold band on her third finger. Sighing in disappointment, I
wonder what is on her mind. It pains my heart to know what Alzheimers disease and
arthritis hae done to this feeble woman.
!randmother has not always been like this. She used to be an energetic woman who
had much loe to share with those around her, be they her children, grandchildren or
daughters"in law. #y mother, her eldest sons wife, had not a negatie word to say
about grandma who had welcomed her into their home. In fact, mum always says that
she is blessed to hae a mother"in"law and not a monster"in"law.
#arried at the tender age of $% to a labourer, she had been a loyal and supportie wife.
!randfather, when he was alie, would sometimes regale us with stories from his past.
&e would fondly tell us that he was a lucky man to hae married grandma although the
circumstances under which they got married were not so 'oyous. !randma had been
the illage beauty but when the (apanese inaded #alaya, my great grandfather,
grandmas father, decided that marriage was the only solution to sae her from the
clutches of the rampaging (apanese soldiers who went around raping and abducting
young girls. )*e did not marry for loe, but surial. +et we are happy, unlike many
young couples these days who split een before the honeymoon is oer,- !randma
always looked shy and demure when grandpa was in his story"telling moods.
.lessed with three sons, they worked hard to bring up their boys. !randpa and
grandma, who were both illiterate, made sure that their sons got the education they
desered so that their lies would be different. /espite his meagre salary, grandfather
was able to send his sons to school and later to uniersity. &e did this by working
oertime and taking on other menial tasks. !randma did her share by washing and
ironing clothes for a rich )taukey- and his family.
All three sons got married in due time and lied with grandpa and grandma in a double
storey house my dad bought soon after becoming the managing director of a local telco.
After grandpas demise, howeer, my two uncles moed out due to work commitments.
grandma continued to lie with us as she could not bear to part with me, her first
grandson.
I am fortunate as I hae many fond memories of my grandmother. She babysat me
when my mum went to work. She accompanied me to school eery morning during my
primary school years. She made sure I had my meals, ca'oling me when I was reluctant
to eat. She was there to share my happiness and sorrow.
All this started to change when she had arthritis. It hurt me because there was nothing I
could do to ease her suffering although she put on a brae front despite the e0cruciating
pain she suffered when family members were present.
Si0 years ago, grandmother started showing signs of Alzheimers /isease. At first, she
forgot the little things what she was doing, where she had put her glasses etc. Slowly
the disease took its toll. 1ow, she has forgotten eerything. She cannot recognise her
sons and their wies2 worse still, she cannot remember me. It pains me to see a woman
who had once been a bundle of energy reduced to this.
I slowly moe towards her, bend down and take her hands in mine, hoping that
somehow, in the deep recesses of her faded memory, she can remember me. She looks
up at me in childlike innocence and smiles, not out of recognition but in the way one
would at strangers who show the slightest bit of caring. I know I hae lost her foreer.
Faith
3eeling thankful is how I feel now. The greatest present to receie is the sense of
content and gratitude that I feel. 1o matter how much I earn or the alue of properties I
owe, without sharing, how life can be4
3ew years back when I was in school, my mind was set on money and branded items.
1o matter how badly life has for me, nothing can bring me further away from my set"
mind. 3rom many hardships, I struggle for a presence, a name, a status. I need to let
people know what I hae and what I can achiee.
As time passes and sky is unlimited, people change so do I. I turn to !od. I turn to my
family. I turn to my faith. 1othing can make me feel more content than myself. I need to
satisfy my own need before I make my way to the world. 5oe, 6eace and &appiness
are what I beliee now. As I mention earlier on, faith is the tool for all lies. Imagine a
world without faith4 &ow can one trust someone or something4 Take for an e0ample a
relation between two se0es. .oth need to gain the trust and belief before embarking a
'ourney together. Its a 'ourney of understanding as well as respect. 1othing can bring
two down with the concrete tools both hae.
1o matter how much money is flowing in my bank accounts or how many properties
waiting in my list, as long as I dont feel content with myself, nothing would. All these are
material isions that count only for a short period of happiness. I want a long lasting
happiness. A happiness that can be shared by eeryone een passer"by.
I turn my life to myself, family and !7/. It reoles with them. 1ot that Im a $889
belieer in !od but somehow or another, it smooths my daily life wheneer I trust on
something. I beliee what comes around goes around in life. *hy one should feels
frustrated and irritated when aim is not reached4 *hy4 Ask yourself deep in your heart4
Is it worth the temper"rush4 The best way to do is to look at the problem with a smile on
your face and a rela0 heart. Turn back and dont let your anger out from your bo0. Think
appreciation that mistakes are made and told to you. All you need to do: ;&A1!<.
It is as simple as A.;.
In life, if only one can recognize the significant of Trust, =nderstanding, 3aith and 5oe
our world is in its greatest condition.
My Favourite Telivision Programme
The teleision >T?@ is part and parcel of many households. Therefore, watching
teleision is a culture of todays modern society. It is a faourite past"time of many
people, cutting across the culture, creed, gender and age. I must admit that I too en'oy
)sitting glued- to the T? as mum often laments. Since I watch T? whole day long, I dont
blame mum. &oweer, wheneer I watch my faourite T? programme she doesnt
complain. In fact, she often sits together to watch it, the A1ational !eographic.
The 1ational !eographic is a well"known documentary programme, focusing mainly on
the eer"changing world, on #other <arth and on nature and peoples and creatures that
colour it with. (ust the press of a switch and a button and A&ey 6resto,, the whole world
is brought before me, for me to saour its beauty and wonders. 6ersonally, I am often
awed and amazed with them.
I like this programme because it is ery educational. It is a Awindow to the world. .y
watching it, I can Atrael, Ae0plore and Adiscoer the four corners of the world. I hae
trekked up the highest peak and conBuered #t. <erest. I hae died down the deepest
trenches. I hae walked through the wilderness and be amongst the wild beasts, big
and small. Thus, this programme has helped to e0pand my horizon and improe my
knowledge and e0perience. I can proudly say I am no more a Afrog in the well.
I also en'oy watching the 1ational !eographic because it is entertaining, interesting and
stimulating. I neer imagined that such an educational programme can be ery
en'oyable. I get a chance to en'oy the kaleidoscope of sights, sounds and colours of the
world and its different peoples, all in the comfort of my own home.
In addition to that, this programme is of ery high Buality and it is produced by a team of
e0perts, all are authorities in their own field of interest. The photographic footage is
e0tremely breath"taking and inspiring. .esides, the narration is ery accurate,
informatie, iid and descriptie. Thus, I hae neer felt restless, distracted or bored
watching this programme.
The 1ational !eographic is my faourite programme as it has helped me to Agrow and
Amature. I hae watched it since I was a seen"year"old innocent child. 1ow, I am more
sensitie and aware of the world and #other <arth. I learn to be more appreciatie of
#other <arth and its beauty and wonders. I am more concern about the preseration
and conseration of the world not only now but also for posterity. In short, the 1ational
!eographic has conerted me into a more responsible citizen of the world and a
caretaker of #other <arth.
It is a touching and heart"warming T? programme and I will not hesitate to recommend
it to others so that they too hae a chance to saour amazing moments and appreciate
and care for the one and only world we lie in.
Malaysia
#alaysia is a multiracial country. #alaysia has a population of CD.CE million consisting
of F$ percent #alays, D8 percent ;hinese, G percent Indians and $ percent of other
ethnic groups. #alaysia is uniBue because of its diersity of races, religions and
cultures, the stability of the country and many places of interests. .esides, there are
many international achieements which are the pride of our nation.
/iersity of races, religions and cultures is a significant characteristic of our nation.
#alaysia is a multiracial country with a rich cultural heritage. =niBue to #alaysia is the
H7pen &ouseH concept where during the arious cultural and religious festial like &ari
Iaya, ;hinese 1ew +ear, /eepaali, !awai /ay and others, friends and families and
een strangers would isit the homes of those who are celebrating the festial, to wish
them well and en'oy the feast prepared by the hosts. Although the isitors may be from
different races, they still can tolerate with each other and lie under the same roof
where they celebrate the festial together. This will help to strengthen the ties among
themseles.
#oreoer, the stability and peacefulness of #alaysia is also a uniBueness of us. *e lie
harmoniously in a country where there are no wars and conflicts among #alaysians.
*ar is dreadful and it may deteriorate humansH lies. *e are fortunate that our country
is safe and runs off the war. So, people can lie safely here. Somehow, #alaysia is a
paradise for those IraBis or 6akistanis. .esides, our country is freed from natural
disasters such as earthBuakes. <arthBuakes may bring death and destroy many
buildings. Therefore, #alaysia is uniBue because of the stability and peaceful
enironment.
7n top of that, there are many places of interests in country such as beaches, islands
and rain forest. #alaysiaHs rain forest is considered as the oldest in the world. The
dierse species of animals and plant life continue to e0cite a great deal of scientific
research. #any beliee that some undiscoered plant may hold cures to many currently
incurable human diseases. There are many islands in our country such as 6ulau
5angkawi, 6ulau Iedang, 6ulau Jetam and many others. 6ulau 5angkawi has a lot of
historitical informations. Those who are in faour of history can go there to e0plore the
history of that place. All the beaches in those islands are beautiful. The sand is soft and
white. The accommodation is well"established and that makes those islands ideal
places to isit.
3ollowing this, there are also international achieements of our country. Those
achieements include the e0istence of Juala 5umpur International Airport >J5IA@,
3ormula 7ne >3$@ racing circuit and the 6etronas Twin Towers. J5IA is uniBue because
it has all that is needed for business, entertainment and rela0ation within its boundaries.
The airport is part and parcel of the #ultimedia Super ;orridor where high technology
industries are being actiely deeloped. 1eertheless, there is a 3ormula 7ne Iace
Track near the airport, so foreign car racing enthusiasts from all oer the world can
come for a isit to gather here. .esides that, 6etronas Twin Towers which is a building
that soars %KC metres into the sky is once upon a time, the tallest building in the world
and yet it is a national pride to the people of #alaysia.
In short, #alaysia is uniBue that it has diersity of races, religions and cultures, a stable
and peaceful enironment, places of interest and some internal achieements. Those
are important characteristic of our nation. It is rich of cultural heritage2 it would be worth
to play a isit here.
Thoughts On Sharing
Some of us may be selfish to share our study tips yet deliberately disturbing the others
while they are doing their works. Some might agree with such an attitude as a secret
weapon for crucial e0amination namely =6SI, 6#I and S6#. .ut donHt you agree that
sharing is actually the happiest thing we can do4 *e can share meaning that we hae
the capability. Sharing brings more knowledge and ideas to be e0changed. 1obody will
improe much if they are reluctant to share. In fact, when we initiate to share, we will
definitely get more and more feedback which may be beyond our knowledge. Three
people are better than only one. #ore minds contribute more thoughts. ThatHs why
group discussion is highly recommended for it is an proen effectie way to catalyst our
improement of study.
Study is only a part of our life routine and being student is merely our temporary role .
Actually that time is our precious moment to deelop into a better person. 7ne cannot
know and e0perience eerything with limited ages . &oweer, we can gain unlimited
knowledge and lesson once we start to share and e0change. .y sharing, we know
more, we continue our learning and without we can realise , we hae fostered good
friendship and become a better indiidual. 5etHs hae a ery simple e0ample,eery of us
owns one bo0 of biscuits. <ery bo0 of biscuits hae different flaour. If we are kind
enough to reciprocate our biscuits with each other, then we get to taste a ariety flaour
of biscuits. Similarily, sharing and e0changing is something mutually profitable for eery
of us. Through sharing,we apply our knowledge and subseBuently we gain more. /o
share your knowledge with others as if you intend they share theirs with you. 7nly those
who are generous to share and humble to keep on learning desere to possess more
power, wealth and knowledge.
.eing students,we are still learning and painting our lies with endless colour and
school should be the safest platform for us to practice our behaiour. &ere,sharing
makes more sense to complement each other. 1othing can be accomplished without a
cohesie teamwork. 7ne cannot be successful without any assistance proided by the
others. 3rankly,hae you shared your fortune,wealth and knowledge with your friends4 If
not, try your best wheneer you are still able to do so. *hen we are stepping into the
working world, seldom do we hae such an opportunity to share and en'oy an0iety"free
student lies. A real success is more than 'ust a straight A result or thousands and one
certificates but whether one really en'oys the process towards success. And sharing will
be a must for the particular 'oyful process.
The Night Market
One of the most interesting places in Malaysia is the night market. ou may visit
and e!perience the night market yourselves. "oth locals and foreigners agree
that the night market is the most common feature in the local society.
The night market #egins when the vendors arrive in the late afternoon. More and
more goods laden vans arrive to #egin a #risk day of #usiness. Most of the
vendors #usily set out to set up their stalls respectively in order to get ready for a
#risk day of #usiness.
The sun gradually sets and the night market picks up momentum. More cars and
vans are arriving. "y now$ the stalls are neatly and strategically arranged to
entice their customers. There is an assortment of goods sold ranging from food$
toys and clothes$ to name a few. % variety of goods is sold at low prices.
&arge rain#ow'coloured parasols are used to shade the people from rain and
shine. % concoction of #laring music can #e heard in the night market
#ackground amidst the constant shouting. (t is an ama)ing kaleidoscope of
sights$ sounds$ smells and colours.
The night market is known as a haven #y local *gourmets+ who can en,oy various
kinds of mouth'watering local cuisine. Still more people arrive$ they come from all
walks of life$ mingling freely and harmoniously. -rowds are walking up and down
in an endless stream. Some of them are stopping #y the stalls and haggling
#efore making purchases. &ittle children tag along$ amused and e!cited.
Sprinklings of tourists ,oin in to e!perience the lifestyle of typical Malaysian folks.
.hen night falls$ lighted lamps #righten up the place$ they add gaiety to this
atmosphere$ and it is like a funfair. The night wears on and the traffic of people
recedes. /endors get a chance to rest their weary legs #esides #antering with
each other.
"y 01.11 pm$ all the stalls call it a day. The vendors pack up and close the van
doors. One #y one$ they leave$ leaving #ehind pieces of papers$ plastic #ags and
discarded #o!es. (t us an eyesore2 Finally$ the night market disappears. The place
#ecomes 3uite and still once more.
4risti and 5olly
3rom the time our daughters could walk more than fifty yards carrying a small
backpack, we took them hiking in the mountains. *hen our youngest, Jristi, was si0,
and her older sister &olly was ten, Iuss and I decided the girls were proficient enough
to go on a ma'or hike to the top of a real mountain. *e lie on ?ancouer Island in
.ritish ;olumbia, and one of our faorite hikes is the trek up #t. Albert <dward.
In order to make the ascent, we first had to hike si0 and a half miles to our base camp at
;irclet 5ake. *e took our time getting to base camp, stopping oernight en route and,
on our arrial, setting up camp on the shores of the lake. After two cloudy, rainy days of
huddling in our tent, we were ecstatic to wake up to a clear blue sky on the day of our
ascent. The climb includes an ascent about K88 feet straight up a slippery slope to the
ridge. *e tied a rope around JristiHs waist for this part of the hike, and we were pleased
with both girlsH perseerance and energy.
7nce on the ridge, itHs a long, gradual hike to the final slope up to the top. The peak is
isible from a long way off, which is fortunate because like the proerbial carrot at the
end of a stick, that perfect pyramid loomed enticingly in front of us almost as soon as we
mounted the ridge. To be truthful, Iuss and I had decided we would make it at least to
the ridge, so we could all get a look at the top of a mountain. Then we would decide if
our little team had the strength to go further. *e stopped for a lunch break a short way
along the ridge and suggested, L*e could turn back anytime, you know,L looking closely
at &olly and Jristi for their reactions.
&olly urged us all onward, coninced we could and should do it. Jristi agreed, so on we
went. As we slowly made our way along the ridge, we came to a rise where we saw a
group of about a dozen teenage boys, all with heaily laden backpacks beside them,
accompanied by a man with a big dog, a huge backpack, and beliee it or not, a guitar.
The boys all looked e0hausted and unhappy, like they werenHt going anywhere anytime
soon.
*hen we passed by, there seemed to be a stirring in the group, like a breeze had
suddenly reied them. As we trudged on, we were aware that the teenagers behind us
were suddenly on their feet, backpacks hurriedly slipped on and their hike urgently
resumed.
As we started up the final slope to the peak, the boys began to oertake us with a speed
I would hae thought impossible when I first laid eyes on them minutes before. As two
hiked past us, we heard one murmur to the other, L1o little kidHs going to pass me,L *e
smiled to ourseles and continued our slow two"steps"up, one"step"back march up the
loose scree.Soon, along came the leader with his backbreaking backpack, his guitar
slung across it. I couldnHt help thinking that if I were in his position, I would hae settled
for a harmonica. <en his large 5abrador retrieer had saddlebags slung across his
back. L&e carries his own food, like eerybody else,L the leader told us.
LI hae to thank you guys,L he went on. LThis is a group of young offenders who hae
been ordered to be part of an 7utward .ound program, hiking in the mountains for
thirteen days. They were grumbling and carrying on like they were climbing #t. <erest
without o0ygen until they saw you. They couldnHt beliee that a family with little kids was
doing this for fun, and they were determined to make it to the top before you guys did.
So thanks.L
*e all laughed, and I could see &olly and Jristi grow right in front of me. That day, I
think those young offenders gae our daughters a gift, the kind of gift that parents spend
a lifetime trying to gie to their children " the gift of self"confidence, of pride, of knowing
you can do something that others think you canHt. And our two daughters had the
satisfaction of knowing that they had singlehandedly motiated other people to push
themseles that much harder.
As we lingered at the summit, one of the teens approached us, desperate to ask a
Buestion, L/o you do this often4L
In the years since, weHe hiked back up Albert <dward seeral times, but that was our
first attempt. So I guess I could answer him now, L+es, my friend. *e do.L
Mother6s 7ay
Sitting on one of the most beautiful tropical beaches on earth, I had eery
reason to be happy. 3or the past three years, my husband and I had been liing on the
priate island of 5a"naHi, &awaiHi. The calm blue 6acific stretched endlessly before me.
The white sand felt warm beneath me, and the palm trees aboe swayed gently in the
trade winds. #ost people considered this to be paradise.
So why in the world was I crying4
It was my fortieth birthday, and I found myself battling with the same demons I had
struggled with for the past twenty years: my fears of becoming a mother.
IHm sure it started with my own childhood. Though my parents loed me the best way
they knew how, life dealt them some tough blows. #y father, a (ewish soldier fighting on
the front lines of *orld *ar II, e0perienced horrors that no human being should hae to
endure, including cleaning the oens where his own people were slaughtered. &e
returned home a broken man, unable to gie me the kind of loe a child hungers for. #y
mother, a talented writer, gae up that life to marry and work 'obs she hated. She spent
the rest of her life bitterly disappointed. Somehow, between the two of them, I got lost.
As a result, the idea of becoming a parent left me confused. I held two completely
opposite images of motherhood: the harsh reality of my motherHs despair ersus the
.etty ;rocker teleision mom who baked perfect cookies, raised perfect children and
handled life with a perfect smile. .ecoming a mom myself, with all of my own real"life
wounds and inadeBuacies, left me terrified.
As the years passed, I coninced myself I didnHt want children. I, too, was a writer, and
set my sights on birthing bestselling noels. There was no room for motherhood in my
life.
I continued aoiding the whole issue, until I met /ennis. *e met in a big city on the <ast
;oast and fell head oer heels in loe. *ithin the year, we were engaged. Shortly after,
work took him to &awaiHi. *e married there. Through a Buirk of fate we ended up liing
on the tiny, rural island of 5anaHi. ;oming from a big crowded city myself, 5anaHi was like
a fairytale. There were no stoplights, no fast"food restaurants and irtually no crime. The
entire population of C,E88 people lied in 5anaHi ;ity. It was a charming illage with
hundreds of giant pine trees, colorful wooden plantation houses with tin roofs and free"
roaming roosters.
7n 5anaHi, people knew each other by the car they droe. In fact, the only Ltraffic 'amL
that e0isted on this island was when a car or an old (eep suddenly stopped because the
drier wanted to Ltalk storyL with a friend strolling down the dirt road.
A tremendous sense of community, or Hohana as itHs called in &awaiHi, e0isted on 5anaHi.
Slowly and almost magically, 5anaHi melted away my urban crustiness. I began to slow
down and truly connect to people for the first time. #y heart began to open up more and
more. I beliee this was 5anaHiHs special gift to me.
As my relationship with /ennis deepened, I found myself wanting to gie him a baby. It
was a spontaneous feeling that I couldnHt control. .ut when I admitted it aloud, all I could
do was cry. 7er and oer, /ennis reassured me that we didnHt need to hae a child. &e
already had a grown son from a preious marriage. +et he had spoken of his sadness
about missing the day"to"day raising of his son. &e would hae loed to be La true dad.L
This all brings me back to what happened on my fortieth birthday. The night before, I
came home feeling ery upset. I knew my biological clock was ticking and winding
down. I realized I had to face this fear and make a decision. .ut eerything in me
screamed, L1o,L If I decided not to be a mother, I was afraid I would regret it in my final
hours. If I chose to hae a child, I was afraid my inadeBuacies would hurt my son or
daughter the way I had been hurt.
3inally, late in the night, I crawled out of bed and got down on my knees. Tears flowing,
my prayer was short but heartfelt: L&elp me with this decision, !od. 6lease. All I ask for
is peace.L
The ne0t morning, I droe to the beach to be alone. Sitting by myself on the sand,
staring blankly at the horizon, I felt e0hausted. &ow would I eer make this life"altering
decision4
<ery once in a while I focused on the ocean, searching for my friends, the dolphins. 7n
5anaHi, we were blessed with a group, or pod, of 6acific Spinner dolphins who hae
made this bay their home. Sometimes as many as K88 would come here to rest and
play.
7er the past three years, my husband and I freBuently swam with these dolphins. In
the morning, weHd search for distant splashes that only a trained eye could see. *hen
we spotted them, weHd don our masks and slowly swim out. The trick to getting the
dolphinsH attention, we discoered, was singing into our snorkels. *eHd sing and splash
around like kids, and minutes later the dolphins would show up. There are only two
ways wild dolphins will approach you. <ither the entire pod arries, sometimes in the
hundreds, or a few of their largest males will swim close by. These scouts then return to
the group, letting them know youHre okay. /olphins are an intelligent, close"knit
community. They would neer send their most ulnerable members to inestigate.
This particular morning, I thought I saw the telltale splashes offshore. I slipped on my
mask and entered the water. #y eyes were still puffy from crying all night from
obsessing about this challenging decision. I swam out, weakly humming into my
snorkel. 3loating face down, looking into the clear water, I waited. About ten minutes
later I glimpsed a ghostly shadow in the distance. Assuming this was the scout, I stayed
perfectly still, neer e0pecting what was about to happen. Through the turBuoise mist a
single dolphin emerged. *hat I didnHt see immediately was the baby by her side.
They swam closer and closer, coming within a few feet of me. It was mesmerizing, and I
was witnessing a miracle. #other and baby began circling me. I could easily make out
the stripes on the baby " proof it was truly a newborn. I felt a powerful connection with
the mother. The instant our eyes met, I heard a gentle oice in my head. It was as
crystal clear as the water surrounding me. Iela0, the oice whispered. #otherhood is
beautiful.
3or almost an hour, the mother and baby dolphin circled around me. The whole
e0perience was like a dream: the shimmering 6acific, the gentle dolphins so close. It
was as if they were there to comfort me. !uests from the nearby hotel began gathering
on the shore. They couldnHt beliee their eyes.
<entually, some people swam out to inestigate, which sent mom and baby back into
the protection of the distant pod. I left the water in a trance.
Though my despair about the decision lifted, three years passed and still I didnHt
conceie. .y my forty"third birthday I assumed that the dolphin encounter was 'ust a
coincidence, and that perhaps !od had made a mistake. 7thers, who were less
troubled than I, might hae somehow seen the episode as an answer to my prayer for
peace. I could only assume that if I hadnHt gotten pregnant by now, I obiously wasnHt
meant " or fit " to be a mother.
A few weeks after my forty"third birthday, I found myself praying again. Something was
missing in my life. *ith all my heart, I asked !od for a fundamental change. Something
so basic, it would permanently alter eerything.
7nly days later, I discoered I was pregnant. That was oer nine months ago. Today, as
I write this story, my newborn son, Ieyn, lies sweetly and peacefully at my breast. A
perfect little boy, as beautiful as any angel I could imagine.
So why in the world am I crying now4
.ecause IHm oerwhelmed with gratitude and 'oy. 7erwhelmed with the sheer miracle
of his birth. 7erwhelmed with such deep loe that sometimes all I can do is weep.
I can see now, as clearly as I saw mama and baby dolphin swimming beside me, that
!od was utterly and absolutely right. Iela0, motherhood is beautiful.
Shadow
It started to snow outside, and hoping for a bit of diersion from the typical
#innesota winter weather, we decided to go to a horse sale in town. *e watched with
interest as the fancy horses with shiny coats came parading in. Some had glitter on their
hips or festie red and green ribbons in their manes because it was 'ust before
;hristmas. There were horses of all colors, shapes and sizes, and eeryone was in a
bidding frenzy.
5ots of people were going to get e0pensie horses for ;hristmas it seemed. Some of
the animals had e0perience working cows and some had e0perience in the show ring.
7thers could earn their keep by pulling a sleigh. <ager to own the finest prospects, a
number of people in the crowd were bidding hundreds and een thousands of dollars.
L&ereHs a four"year"old sorrel mare, $K.D"hands high, with forty"two halter points,L the
auctioneer bellowed. L&er bloodlines include Sonny /ee .ar, Tender Si0 and Manzabar
(oe. /o I hear fie thousand, fie thousand one, fie two4L
I was fascinated by the spectacle. <ery magnificent horse that came through had a
story and bloodline that the auctioneer read. The crowd would LoohL and LaahL in
response and then the bidding war would begin. A couple oer here, then a man oer
there and a lady in front of me all bid on the same horse, until he was Lgoing, going,
gone,L Then the ne0t horse entered and the process started all oer again, taking at
most, ten to fifteen minutes per horse. 3ifty to si0ty horses were sold that day.
<entually, they got to the last one, a skinny little black pony. The crowd roared with
laughter. The pony was led in by a fifteen"year"old boy, who sat on her and then 'umped
up and down on her back, proclaiming, LSheHs broke to ride.L She had big brown eyes
under a long forelock that was full of dried manure and weed seeds.
LSheHs going to take some time to clean up,L the auctioneer stated. LAnd she needs a
few groceries to fatten her up.L
Then, looking around, he asked, LAnybody know the story on this one4L
7ne of the helpers whispered something into his ear and he announced, LThe owner
forgot about this one out in the pasture and now he wants to get rid of her. She is not
registered. ThereHs no pedigree that we know of. 7kay, who will gie me three hundred
for the old mare4L
The crowd was still laughing.
L&ow about two4 7kay, one, *ill anybody gie me fifty bucks for her4L
The crowd continued to snicker at the lonely, forgotten little pony.
L7kay, get her out of here,L he told the boy who led her in.
So she turned her head as if to say good"bye then hung her head and walked out. The
boy put her back in her stall and proceeded to help the new owners with their horses.
7ne by one, the horses clip"clopped by her stall to meet their new families. The lonely
little black mare 'ust hung her head.
<ery time a person walked by, her ears would perk up and she would raise her head in
anticipation that maybe, 'ust maybe, someone wanted her. .ut then there would be only
more snickers and the sound of fading footsteps. 3inally, she would drop her head. The
pony turned around so she didnHt hae to watch the other horses parade by.
It broke our hearts to watch this. *e 'ust looked at each other and nodded. Iandy went
one way and I went the other. *e found the auctioneer and said, L*ill you take ten
dollars4L
&e looked at us, puzzled, L3or what4L he asked.
LThe little black mare,L we said e0citedly.
LS75/,L he said with a shake of his head and a smirk.
*ithout access to a proper horse trailer, we loaded her into the bed of my Toyota
pickup, and to a chorus of titters and guffaws, headed for home.
3or the last two years of her life, Shadow had the neighborhood kids begging to ride
her, brush her or 'ust be by her side, dreaming of the adentures tomorrow would bring
for the both of them. *e laugh when we remember the faces of those folks at the
auction and the sight of the dirty old pony in the bed of our pickup. .ut the 'oy and the
laughter we had sharing life with Shadow far e0ceeded the laughter at the sale barn that
night.
% -up Of -offee
I heated up a cup of coffee today in the microwae. I wasnHt sure if I should laugh or
cry as I stood there holding the steaming cup for the second time this morning. #y son
woke up crying, and it took nearly an hour of singing, consoling and rocking to get him
back to sleep. In the meantime, my coffee got cold. So, I heated it up in the microwae.
I grew up owing neer to be like my mother. She is a wonderful, strong woman, and
anyone would be proud to be like her. .ut I wasnHt going to be. 1o one in town seemed
to know her name. To the teachers and students at the arious schools her children
attended. At the grocery stores and around the auto parts stores and hardware places,
they affectionately called her L#rs. /aleL after my fatherHs first name2 and the folks at
the bank, utility companies and other such important places addressed her with /adHs
last name, as #rs. Jeffer. #om answered to all of these with a smile and kind words.
I, on the other hand, was neer as gracious about it. 7ften, I would tell the bagger at the
grocery store, L&er name is (oyce, by the way,L as he handed her the bag and told her
to hae a nice day using one of the aforementioned names. #om would always smile
and say, L+ou hae a good day, too,L as she shot me the mind"your"manners"I"taught"
you"better"than"that look. *hen we would then get to the car, I would bicker at her for
not standing up for herself. L+ou are your own person,L I would retort. L+ouHre not 'ust an
e0tension of /ad.L
LI could be called a lot worse,L she would always reply. L.esides, eeryone knows your
dad.L
<eryone in this small town did know my dad. &e was a friendly, hard"working man who
liked to flirt with the checkout girls and gie car adice to anyone who needed it. &e
could charm his way out of a speeding ticket and talk his way into a better deal with
ease. &e would not think twice about fi0ing a broken part on one of the neighbor kidHs
bikes. 7r leaing in the middle of a cold winter night to change a frightened teenHs flat
tire.
.ut eeryone knew my mom, too. *hile /ad was a great man in the community, #om
was eBually special. She had her own way of talking herself into a good deal, and she
loed to gie friendly adice to people she met. *hen she would wake up on cold,
snowy mornings to a house full of college kids who had been stranded in town, she
would weae her way through the sleeping bodies and fi0 enough pancakes for all. If
anyone was in need, my mom was right in the thick of the fight to help. She would
collect items for a family who lost all in a house fire, canned goods for the church pantry,
and clothes for a teen motherHs baby when no one else would help.
As a teen, I neer understood my mom. &ow could someone with so much to offer the
world be content to stay home and be known as an ad'unct to her husband or as
someoneHs mother4 *hy wasnHt she proud of who she was4 7nce upon a time, she
wanted to be a nurse and 'oin the 6eace ;orps. &ow could anyone gie up her dreams
for washing out dirty diapers and packing my fatherHs bologna sandwiches4
All I knew was that this was not going to happen to me. I had big dreams of making a
difference in the world " but with a bang, not a whimper. 6eople would know me. I
planned on working my way up through the ranks of the +#;A with a busy writing
career on the side. #y husband, if there was one, would be right behind me and, as for
children, they would be cute and at their nannyHs side. I would not be like my mother " I
would be me. And people would know me as someone important.
1ow here I was heating up my cup of coffee in the microwae for the second time. (ust
as I had watched her do a million times after setting it down to pack a lunch, feed the
cats, tie a shoe, retriee a towel from the dryer, find a paper that needed returning to
school, answer the phone and a million other possible interruptions. I dreamed of
downing a good cafe latte for breakfast before another busy day at the office, and here I
was drinking instant Nmocha from a L&appy .irthdayL mug with colored balloons all oer
it.
I understand now. I understood eight months ago as I held my son for the first time. I
understood when his tiny little hand wrapped around my finger and his big blue eyes
looked into mine as he drifted off to sleep. I understood when the loe I hae for my
husband tripled as I first saw the little body cuddled in his big, strong arms and saw the
tears streak down his face. I understood it all instantly.
I look forward to the day that I will be known as AndrewHs mom to the people in town and
the children at school. <ery day, as my husband returns home from work and his face
lights up as his son holds out his hands, I am proud to be #rs. 3rank &uff. (ust like my
mom is proud to be called #rs. /ale Jeffer. (ust like my mom. Those are four words
that I thought I would neer say proudly.
.y the way, if you see her, her name is (oyce.
And now I need to heat up my coffee again.
Saying Good#ye
*ith eery beginning, they say, there is always an end. And with that end, comes
the ineitable goodbye. It is also neer easy to say goodbye2 or so the saying goes.
*hy is this so4 *hat makes saying goodbye so difficult4
6eople associate goodbyes with tears and a sense of loss. Talk about HgoodbyesH and
the pictures that come to mind are of a best friend migrating, a great colleague retiring,
and a loed one dying. &umans are by nature a gregarious lot. It is ery natural to want
to be around people and things that we loe and to be saddened by their departure. The
underlying and largely unspoken reason could be that we know how our lies hae been
enriched by their presence and how it would irreocably be changed by their absence.
Then, for at least some time, there would be the painful e0perience of missing them. Is it
difficult, therefore, to understand why many of us simply hate to say goodbye4
&oweer, others may beg to differ. Saying goodbye does not always hae to be a sad
and teary affair. !oodbyes are the opposites of hellos in ery much the same way that
beginnings are the opposites of ends. The best friend who said goodbye and migrated
would be saying hello to a brand new enironment which brings with it a whole set of
new e0periences. Surely that is no reason to be sad4 #oreoer, the state of
communication technology nowadays makes it ery easy to continue to keep in touch,
be it mountain or ocean that physically separates us. And while death, especially one
that is perceied to be untimely, is undeniably a permanent loss, solace can be found in
the belief that the soul is embarking on a 'ourney to a better place" the &ereafter.
Although it is easy to be oercome by emotion in the midst of saying goodbye, we
should try to look at the positie side of things and not be drowned by our feelings
alone.
To stretch it een further, saying goodbye can also be a happy occasion, a time for
re'oicing. There are many occasions when saying goodbye marks the beginning of a
conscious effort to make a meaningful change in oneHs life. Any smoker trying to Buit the
cigarette will tell you that the day he manages to say goodbye to smoking is a happy
day. &e will probably also tell you that it is no mean feat. It is essentially the huge effort
"and an eBually huge desire to match" that makes success sweeter. In fact, when we
talk about saying goodbye, we often forget 'ust how keen we are to say goodbye to
certain things. +ou need only switch on the teleision or flip through a magazine to
realize this. *hy else would there be so many adertisements for products to help us
say goodbye to anything from stubborn stains and grease to dandruff and body odour4
Saying goodbye lets us e0perience the bitter"sweet taste of parting with something or
someone that has been a part of our lies, be it a pet, a loed one or a life"long habit.
*hether accompanied by tears and heart"wrenching pain or triumphant smiles, saying
goodbye is something we all hae to go through at one time or another. It is part and
parcel of life and we should take it in our stride. &aing said that, it is time to take leae.
!oodbye.