My Philosophy

by Woody Allen
[The following is chapter 4 of
Getting Even, by Woody Allen,
First Vintage Books Edition, Copyright !"#$
The development of my philosophy came about as follows: My wife, inviting me to sample her very
first souffl, accidentally dropped a spoonful of it on my foot, fracturing several small bones.
Doctors were called in, X-ays ta!en and e"amined, and # was ordered to bed for a month. During
this convalescence, # turned to the wor!s of some of $estern society%s most formidable thin!ers -- a
stac! of boo!s # had laid aside for such an eventuality. &corning chronological order, # began with
'ier!egaard and &artre, then moved (uic!ly to &pino)a, *ume, 'af!a, and +amus. # was not bored,
as # had feared # might be, rather, # found myself fascinated by the alacrity with which these great
minds unflinchingly attac!ed morality, art, ethics, life and death. # remember my reaction to a
typically luminous observation of 'ier!egaard%s: -&uch a relation which relates itself to its own self
.that is to say, a self/ must either have constituted itself or have been constituted by another.- The
concept brought tears to my eyes. My word, # thought, how clever0 .#%m a man who has trouble
writing two meaningful sentences on -My Day at the 1oo.-/ True, the passage was totally
incomprehensible to me, but what of it as long as 'ier!egaard was having fun2 &uddenly confident
that metaphysics was the wor! # had always been meant to do, # too! up my pen and began at once
to 3ot down the first of my own musings. The wor! proceeded apace, and in a mere two afternoons --
with time out for do)ing and trying to get the two little 44s in to the eyes of the bear -- # had
completed the philosophical wor! that # am hoping will not be uncovered until after my death, or
until the year 5666 .whichever comes first/, and which # modestly believe will assure me a place of
reverence among history%s weightiest thin!ers. *ere is but a small sample of the main body of
intellectual treasure that # leave for posterity, or until the cleaning woman comes.
Critique of Pure Dread
#n formulating any philosophy, the first consideration must always be: $hat can we !now2 That is,
what can we be sure we !now, or sure that we !now we !new it, if indeed it is at all !nowable. 7r
have we simply forgotten it and are too embarrassed to say anything2 Descartes hinted at the
problem when he wrote , -My mind can never !now my body, although it has become (uite friendly
with my legs.- 4y -!nowable,- incidentally, # do not mean that which can be !nown by perception of
the senses, or that which can be grasped by the mind, but more that which can be said to be 'nown
or to possess 'nownness or 'nowability, or at least something you can mention to a friend.
+an we actually -!now- the universe2 My 8od, it%s hard enough to find your way around in
+hinatown. The point, however, is: #s there anything out there2 9nd why2 9nd must they be so
noisy2 :inally, there can be no doubt that the one characteristic of -reality- is that it lac!s essence.
That is not to say it has no essence, but merely lac!s it. .The reality # spea! of here is the same
*obbes described, but a little smaller./ Therefore the +artesian dictum -# thin!, therefore # am-
might be better e"pressed -*ey, there goes ;dna with a sa"aphone0- &o, then, to !now a substance
or an idea we must doubt it, and thus, doubting it, come to perceive the (ualities it possesses in its
finite state, which are truly -in the thing itself,- or -of the thing itself,- or of something or nothing. #f
this is clear, we can leave epistemology for the moment.
Eschatological Dialectics As a Means of Coping with Shingles
$e can say that the universe consists of a substance, and this substance we will call -atoms,- or else
we will call it -monads.- Democritus called it atoms. <eibni) called it monads. :ortunately, the two
men never met, or there would have been a very dull argument. These -particles- were set in motion
by some cause or underlying principle, or perhaps something fell someplace. The point is that it%s too
late to do anything about it now, e"cept possibly to eat plenty of raw fish. This, or course, does not
e"plain why the soul is immortal. =or does it say anything about the afterlife, or about the feeling
my >ncle &ender has that he is being followed by 9lbanians. The causal relationship between the
first principle -i.e., 8od, or a 4 wind/ and any teleological concept of being .4eing/ is, according to
?ascal, -so ludicrous that it%s not even funny .:unny/.- &chopenhauer called this -will,- but his
physician diagnosed it has hay fever. #n his later years, he became embittered by it, or more li!ely
because of his increasing suspicion that he was not Mo)art.
The Cosmos on Five Dollars a Day
$hat, then, is -beautiful-2 The merging of harmony with the 3ust, or the merging of harmony with
something that 3ust sounds li!e -the 3ust-2 ?ossibly harmony should have been merged with -the
crust- and this is what%s been giving us our trouble. Truth, to be sure, is beauty -- or -the necessary.-
That is, what is good or possessing the (ualities of -the good- results in -truth.- #f it doesn%t, you can
bet the thing is not beautiful, although it may still be waterproof. # am beginning to thin! # was right
in the first place that everything should be merged with the crust. 7h well.
Two Parales
9 man approaches a palace. #ts only entrance is guarded by some fierce *uns who will only
let men named @ulius enter. The man tries to bribe the guards by offering them a year%s
supply of choice chic!en parts. They neither scorn his offer nor accept it, but merely ta!e his
nose and twist it until loo!s li!e Molly screw. The man says it is imperative that he enter the
palace because he is bringing the emperor a change of underwear. $hen the guards still
refuse, the man begins to +harleston. They seem to en3oy his dancing but soon become
morose over the treatment of the =ava3os by the federal government. 7ut of breath, the man
collapses. *e dies, never having see the emperor and owing the &teinway people si"ty dollars
on a piano he had rented from them in 9ugust.
# am given a message to deliver to a general. # ride and ride, but the general%s head(uarters
seem to get farther and farther away. :inally, a giant blac! panther leaps upon me and
devours my mind and heart. This puts a terrific crimp in my evening. =o matter how hard #
try, # cannot catch the general, whom # see running in the distance in his shorts and
whispering the word -nutmeg- to his enemies.
Aphorisms
#t is impossible to e"perience one%s own death ob3ectively and still carry a tune.
The universe is merely a fleeting idea in 8od%s mind -- a pretty uncomfortable thought, particularly
if you%ve 3ust made a down payment on a house.
;ternal nothingness is 7.'. if you%re dressed for it.
#f only Dionysus were alive0 $here would he eat2
=ot only is there no 8od, but trying getting a plumber on wee!ends
;ven as a !id # always went for the wrong women, when we went to see &now $hite, everyone fell in love with
&now $hite, # immediately fell for the wic!ed (ueen.
&hould # marry $.2 =ot if she won%t tell me the other letters in her name.
.from $ithout :eathers/
#%m such a good lover because # practice a lot on my own.
My love life is terrible. The last time # was inside a woman was when # visited the &tatue of <iberty.
4ise"uality doubles your chances of a date on a &aturday night.
&7=@9:
=atasha, to love is to suffer. To avoid suffering, one must not love. 4ut, then one suffers from not loving.
Therefore, to love is to suffer, not to love is to suffer, to suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love, to be happy,
then, is to suffer, but suffering ma!es one unhappy, therefore, to be unhappy one must love, or love to suffer, or
suffer from too much happiness, # hope you%re getting this down.
.from <ove and Death/
Death
# don%t want to achieve immortality through my wor!. # want to achieve it through not dying.
#t%s not that #%m afraid to die, # 3ust don%t want to be there when it happens.
7n the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done 3ust as easily as lying down.
There are worse things in life than death. *ave you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman2
# thin! you should defend to the death their right to march, and then go down and meet them with baseball bats.
.$oody 9llen, on the '''/
&e"
The difference between se" and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to ma!e fun of
you.
.$oody 9llen, (uoted in -=ew Aor! Tribune-, BCDE/
&e" without love is an empty e"perience. 4ut as empty e"periences go, it%s one of the best.
&e" between a man and a woman can be wonderful, provided you can get between the right man and the right
woman.
8od
#f only 8od would give me some clear sign0 <i!e ma!ing a large deposit in my name at a &wiss ban!.
.from $ithout :eathers/
A9<;:
Aou%re problem is you thin! you%re 8od.
#';:
$ell, #%ve got to model myself after someone.
.from Manhattan/
# as!ed the girl if she could bring a sister for me. &he did. &ister Maria Teresa. #t was a very slow evening. $e
discussed the =ew Testament. $e agreed that *e was very well ad3usted for an only child.
#f you want to ma!e 8od laugh, tell him your future plans.
Miscellaneous
#t seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better ... while the bad ones
seemed to en3oy the wa!ing hours much more.
.:rom &ide ;ffects/
This year #%m a star, but what will # be ne"t year2 9 blac! hole2
.BCDD/
9t the opera in Milan with my daughter and me, =eedleman leaned out of his bo" and fell into the orchestra pit.
Too proud to admit it was a mista!e, he attended the opera every night for a month and repeated it each time.
.from &ide ;ffects/
More than any other time in history, man!ind faces a crossroads. 7ne path leads to despair and utter
hopelessness. The other, to total e"tinction. <et us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly.
.from 9nnie *all/
# too! a speed reading course and read $ar and ?eace in twenty minutes. #t involves ussia.
My one regret in life is that # am not someone else.
#nterestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought - particularly
for people who can never remember where they have left things.
# will not eat oysters. # want my food dead. =ot sic! -- not wounded -- dead.
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
$hat if everything is an illusion and nothing e"ists2 #n that case, # definitely overpaid for my carpet.
$hy are our days numbered and not, say, lettered.
D7#&:
Aou have no values. Aour whole life, it%s nihilism, it%s cynicism, it%s sarcasm, and orgasm.
*9A:
A%!now, in :rance # could run on that slogan and win.
.from Deconstructing *arry/
Is sex dirty? Only if it's done right.
(Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Se!
"hat #se$ was the most fun I ever had without laughing.
(Annie %all!
&on't 'no(' masturbation) it's se with so*eone I
love.
(Annie %all!
Sex without love is an e*+ty e+erien(e) but as e*+ty e+erien(es go) it's one of the best.
Sex between a man and a woman (an be absolutely wonderful , +rovided you get between the
right *an and the right wo*an.
-y love life is terrible. "he last ti*e I was inside a wo*an was when I visited the Statue of .iberty.
Love is the answer , but while you're waiting for the answer) se raises so*e +retty interesting
/uestions.
I'* su(h a good lover be(ause I +ra(tise a lot on *y own.
"he food in this +la(e is really terrible. Yes) and su(h s*all +ortions. "hat's essentially how I feel
about life.
(Annie %all!
If it turns out that there is a God) I don't thin' that he's evil. 0ut the worst that you (an say about
hi* is that basi(ally he's an undera(hiever.
(.ove and &eath!
I'* short enough and ugly enough to su((eed on *y own.
(1lay it Again Sa*!
I'* really a timid person , I was beaten u+ by 2ua'ers.
(Slee+ers!
My brain , it's *y se(ond favorite organ.
(Slee+er!
2. %ave you ever ta'en a serious political stand on anything?
A. Yeah. Sure. 3or twenty,four hours on(e I refused to eat gra+es.
(Slee+er!
Eternal nothingness is fine if you ha++en to be dressed for it.
(4etting Even) '-y 1hiloso+hy'!
5ot only is there no God) but try getting a +lu*ber on wee'ends.
(5ew Yor'er) '-y 1hiloso+hy'!
"he lion and the calf shall lie down together but the (alf won't get *u(h slee+.
(Without 3eathers) '"he S(rolls'!
It's not that I'* afraid to die. I 6ust don't want to be there when it ha++ens.
(&eath!
"he thing to re*e*ber is that ea(h ti*e of life has its a++ro+riate rewards) whereas when you're
dead it's hard to find the light swit(h. "he (hief +roble* about death) in(identally) is the fear that
there *ay be no afterlife , a de+ressing thought) +arti(ularly for those who have bothered to shave.
Also) there is the fear that there is an afterlife but no one will 'now where it's being held. On the
+lus side) death is one of the few things that (an be done as easily lying down.
("he Early Essays!
Money is better than +overty) if only for finan(ial reasons.
("he Early Essays!
I was thrown out of (ollege for cheating on the *eta+hysi(s ea*7 I loo'ed into the soul of another
boy.
(Woody Allen7 8lown 1rin(e of A*eri(an %u*or!
-y +arents were very old world. "hey (o*e fro* 0roo'lyn) whi(h is the heart of the Old World.
"heir values in life are 4od and (ar+eting.
(Woody Allen7 8lown 1rin(e of A*eri(an %u*or!
I have never been an intellectual but I have this loo'.
A fast word about oral contraception. I as'ed a girl to slee+ with *e and she said 'no'.
(Woody Allen 9olu*e "wo!
I a* at two with nature.
(Woody Allen7 8lown 1rin(e of A*eri(an %u*or!
So*e guy hit *y fender) and I told hi* 'be fruitful, and multiply.' 0ut not in those words.
(Woody Allen7 8lown 1rin(e of A*eri(an %u*or!
I wanted to be an ar(h,(ri*inal as a (hild) before I dis(overed I was too short.
(Woody Allen7 8lown 1rin(e of A*eri(an %u*or!
I as'ed the girl if she (ould bring a sister for *e. She did. Sister -aria "eresa. It was a very slow
evening. We dis(ussed the 5ew "esta*ent. We agreed that %e was very well ad6usted for an only
(hild.
(Woody Allen7 8lown 1rin(e of A*eri(an %u*or!
And *y +arents finally reali:e that I'* idnapped and they sna+ into a(tion i**ediately7 they rent
out *y roo*.
(Woody Allen and %is 8o*edy!
!oody "llen humorous #uotes...$
-y one regret in life is that I a* not so*eone else.
(Woody Allen and %is 8o*edy!
%eath is an a(/uired trait.
(Woody Allen and %is 8o*edy!
I don't want to a(hieve immortality through *y wor';I
want to a(hieve it through not dying.
(Woody Allen and %is 8o*edy!
I too' a speed reading (ourse and read War and 1ea(e in twenty *inutes. It's about <ussia.
(2uote and =n/uote!
&ae the money and run.
(3il* title!
If only 4od would give *e so*e clear sign> .i'e *a'ing a large de+osit in *y na*e at a Swiss
ban'.
(Sele(tions fro* the Allen 5oteboo's) 5ew Yor'er!
On bisexuality7 It i**ediately doubles your (han(es for a date on Saturday night.
(5ew Yor' "i*es!
I re(ently turned sixty. 1ra(ti(ally a third of *y life is over.
(Sayings of the Wee') Observer!
I had a terrible education. I attended a s(hool for e*otionally disturbed tea(hers.
Another good thing about being poor is that when you are seventy your (hildren will not have
de(lared you legally insane in order to gain (ontrol of your estate.
&he baby is fine. "he only +roble* is that he loo's li'e Edward 4. <obinson.
I'* astounded by +eo+le who want to ''now' the universe when it's so hard to find your way around
8hinatown.
%ow (an I believe in God when 6ustlast wee' I got *y tongue (aught in the roller of an ele(tri(
ty+ewriter?
I sold the *e*oirs of my sex life to a +ublisher , they are going to *a'e a board ga*e out of it.
0asi(ally *y wife was immature. I'd be in *y bath and she'd (o*e in and sin' *y boats.
If there is reincarnation) I'd li'e to (o*e ba(' as Warren 0eatty's fingerti+s.
"he only ti*e *y wife and I had a simultaneous orgasm was when the 6udge signed the divor(e
+a+ers.
I do not believe in an after life) although I a* bringing a (hange of underwear.
If you want to mae God laugh) tell hi* your future +lans.
If you're not failing every now and again) it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative.
"here are two ty+es of +eo+le in this world7 good and bad. "he good slee+ better) but the bad see*
to en6oy the wa'ing hours *u(h *ore .
-ore than any ti*e in history manind faces a crossroads. One +ath leads to des+air and utter
ho+elessness) the other to total etin(tion. .et us +ray that we have the wisdo* to (hoose (orre(tly.
What if everything is an illusion and nothing eists? In that (ase) I definitely over+aid for *y
(ar+et.
Interestingly) a((ording to *odern astrono*ers) space is finite. "his is a very (o*forting thought ,
+arti(ularly for +eo+le who (an never re*e*ber where they have left things.
?@.AB of all statistics are *ade u+.
Why ruin a good story with the truth?
Sex is lie having dinner' so*eti*es you 6o'e about the dishes) so*eti*es you ta'e the *eal
seriously.
It is i*+ossible to travel faster than light and (ertainly not desirable) as one's hat 'ee+s blowing
off...
I failed to *a'e the chess team be(ause of *y height.
Sex between $ people is a beautiful thing. 0etween A) it's fantasti(.
I'* very +roud of *y gold pocet watch. -y grandfather) on his deathbed) sold *e this wat(h.
I don't thin' my parents li'ed *e. "hey +ut a live teddy bear in *y (rib.
Woody Allen %&otes 'ages ( $