THE BOSS

Abigail Barnette
Copyright 2013 Abigail Barnette
All rights reserved.
Smashwords Edition
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This boo wo#ldn(t have been possible witho#t the help and s#pport o")
*eelylah +#llin' who tirelessly edited' re%edited' triple%edited' and listened to me worry' whine and
!omplain thro#gho#t the entire writing pro!ess.
Bronwyn ,reene' beta%reader and !heerleader e-traordinaire. .This is going to be so big "or yo#/
needs to be !ross%stit!hed onto a sampler somewhere in yo#r ho#se.
+y street team) 0o# g#ys are too n#mero#s to list here' b#t than yo# to all o" yo# who b#llied
"riends' loved%ones' and !oworers into giving this story a try. Thans "or dropping lins in news story
!omments and !at!hing spelling errors in the early releases o" the !hapters. Than yo# "or everything.
B#t mostly' thans to everyone who went along "or the ride. This has been the most "#n &(ve ever
had in my entire !areer. & was !onvin!ed the #niverse had made a mistae and was woring to repla!e
me. & was ready to give #p writing entirely' and then 2012 t#rned into a mira!le. Than yo# all "or
helping me see what a bad !hoi!e 1#itting wo#ld be.
Chapter 2ne
There are days that $#st "eel o""' and yo# don3t now why #ntil something momento#s happens.
Then yo# loo ba! on yo#r morning % on the !o""ee yo# spilled on yo#r ghost white 0amamoto $a!et'
the persistent smell o" garli! "rom the brea room "ridge' the lipsti! yo# had on yo#r teeth while yo#
"lirted with the brea"ast g#y % and it all maes per"e!t sense.
& was having one o" those days.
4or the past year and a hal"' every day o" my li"e has been a roller !oaster' so &3m #s#ally ready "or
anything. As the "irst assistant to ,abriella 5inters' Editor%in%Chie" o" Porteras maga6ine' & spend
!ompany time doing anything "rom ogling male models at a Calvin 7lein #nderwear shoot' to taing a
!hroni!ally !onstipated 0orie to his monthly !oloni!. &t3s !ertainly not how & envisioned my !areer in
the "ashion ind#stry' b#t &3d lie to thin &3m starting to get a handle on things.
This morning' & reported at eight%o3%!lo! as #s#al. 2n my way & pi!ed #p ,abriella3s brea"ast' an
egg white omelet and 8ova S!otia salmon "rom Barney ,reengrass % made spe!ially "or her be"ore
opening every day e-!ept 4ridays' when she "asts % and grabbed !o""ee "or mysel" and 9enelope' the
se!ond assistant. & !ame ba! to the o""i!e' set o#t the brea"ast on ,abriella3s pre"erred 5ater"ord
!hina' and ahead o" her pro$e!ted :)1; arrival' emailed a !opy o" her s!hed#le to all pertinent o""i!e
sta"". & tho#ght things were going pretty well so "ar when & noti!ed it was :)12' and hadn3t yet heard a
peep "rom ,abriella.
That was really strange. & #s#ally wo#ld have re!eived a bree6y' borderline r#de phone !all "rom her
by now' demanding something seemingly impossible. & sl#mped into my o""i!e !hair' too a sip "rom
my still s!alding latte and !hoed' b#bbling a bit over my lips and down the "ront o" my $a!et.
At least you got the drama over early today' & tho#ght' shaing my head as & dabbed the stain.
2h' & wish & had been right.
5hen ,abriella3s !ar didn3t arrive by :)30' & started to get worried. 5hen & !alled her phone and
!o#ldn3t leave a message be!a#se her voi!email was !ompletely "#ll' & pani!ed. & b#66ed <ae' one o"
the editors on the "loor. 5hile his line rang' & looed o#t the tall glass doors. & !o#ldn3t see the o#ter
o""i!e "rom my des' $#st &vana in re!eption' dr#mming her "ingertips and shooting worried glan!es at
the elevators. The glare "rom the "l#ores!ents showed me the "aint shadow o" my own re"le!tion' all dar
hair and pale sin and what looed lie two bla! voids "or eyes. Creepy.
=<ae'/ he answered' and & $#mped. >is tone was short' and & !o#ld immediately imagine the loo o"
worry on his "a!e. >is big bl#e eyes wo#ld be wide' and he3d probably be leaning one tattooed elbow on
his des' a hand b#ried in his sandy hair as he h#n!hed over his laptop.
=*o yo# now what3s going on this morning?= & ased' rising to vent#re to ,abriella3s gleaming
la!1#ered des. There was a "ingerprint beside the leather blotter' whi!h & r#bbed away with my sleeve.
=Everyone is a!ting really weird.=
=&t3s not good' Soph. 5e3re still waiting "or !on"irmation "rom Bob' b#t it loos lie ,abriella is
o#t.=
=2#t where?= & s1#irted some hand saniti6er into my palm. As soon as it absorbed' & hovered my
hand over the rapidly !ooling omelet to !he! the temperat#re. ,abriella hated mi!rowaved "ood almost
as m#!h as she hated germs.
=2#t' as in' "ired.=
This is fixable. You call Barney Greengrass and ask them to remake the omelet. Penelope can pick
it up on her way in if you catch her right now
A re!ord s!rat!hed somewhere in my brain' $arring me ba! to what <ae had said. =5hat?=
<ae hadn3t !a#ght on to my disbelie". =& don3t now the details. B#t & thin it3s sa"e to say' ,abriella
won3t be !oming ba!.= >e pa#sed' and & !o#ld hear his irritation' not with me' b#t with every "a!et o"
this day' in his noisy e-hale. =& have to go.=
A"ter & h#ng #p' & wandered aro#nd the o""i!e a bit. ,abriella was... "ired? *id that mean & was
"ired? Sho#ld & start looing "or a $ob?
& sat on the "loor beside ,abriella3s des and rea!hed #p "or the !hina plate. & stared dis!onsolately
at the weave o" the low%pile !arpet as & ate the e-pensive imported salmon my boss wo#ldn3t be en$oying
this morning. 2h shit' & paid "or the "ish on my !redit !ard. They wo#ld reimb#rse me "or that' right? &
didn3t now she was "ired when & pi!ed it #p.
& mentally !al!#lated everything & hadn3t bothered to get reimb#rsed "or this month. The only way
,abriella was o#t was i" the maga6ine was "olding' so wo#ld they be able to pay me? There was no way
Porteras !o#ld r#n witho#t her. She was lie the single s#pport str#!t#re in a badly b#ilt ho#se or
something.
& stopped !hewing at that tho#ght. &3d never really tho#ght o" Porteras in a negative light be"ore. B#t
,abriella really had been the gl#e holding the whole thing together. &n the si-teen years she3d r#n the
p#bli!ation' she3d only ever taen two si! days' and they were the st#"" o" legend. =The day ,abriella
missed wor "or 9rin!ess *i3s "#neral'= people whispered' with a to#!h o" mani! "ear in their eyes.
,abriella taing an #ns!hed#led day o"" pl#nged the o""i!e into a near%!annibalisti! "ren6y' apparently.
There was no way & was going o#t that door today. +y !ell rang. =Sophie' what the hell is going on
#p there?= !olli. Thank God. & !l#t!hed the phone tight to my ear and s!rambled
to eep the eggs "rom hitting the "loor. =& have no idea. ,abriella isn3t here.= & s#spe!ted >olli was
headed into the b#ilding' based on the lo#d
lobby noises distorting in the ba!gro#nd. =&s the shoot !an!elled? & $#st saw someone !rying and
!arrying a printer o#t the "ront door.=
=& don3t now.= >olli is my roommate. She3s also a model' and today she was s#pposed to be at the
spring $a!et shoot on the seventh "loor. By spring' wo#ld Porteras still be on the stands?
=5ell' i" this pla!e is going down' &3ll $#st go home. & have ho#rs o" "eal !ousewives *@Aed that &
have to !at!h #p on.= >olli so#nded almost bored at the idea o" the top "ashion maga6ine in the !o#ntry
going into a tailspin. 9robably be!a#se no matter what happened' she wo#ld be "ine. >olli didn3t have an
ego abo#t her $ob' and wo#ld $#st as happily do !leaning prod#!t !ommer!ials as high%"ashion shoots. &
o"ten #sed her somewhat la!adaisi!al approa!h to her !areer to get some perspe!tive on my own.
B#t right at that moment' & didn3t want perspe!tive. & wanted to r#n aro#nd s!reaming with my hair
on "ire' $#st lie everyone else. =8o' &3m s#re the shoot is still on.= 9ossibly. 9robably not. =,o #p to
seven and see what they say. & don3t want yo# to get in tro#ble with yo#r agen!y.=
=5ill do' boss'= >olli !hirped' then gasped lie a s!andali6ed yo#ng miss in a <ane A#sten movie.
=2. +. ,. 5hat i" they gave yo# ,abriella3s $ob? Bie' sin!e yo#3re her se!ond in !ommand?=
=&3m not her se!ond in !ommand. &3m her assistant. And that ind o" thing only happens in the
movies.= B#t that le"t me with a very good 1#estion & hadn3t !ome #p with d#ring my moping. 5ho
wo#ld be the new ,abriella?
The doors "rom re!eption opened' and mas!#line voi!es dri"ted in. & shi"ted my phone "rom one
hand to the other and balan!ed the plate o" eggs and salmon on my arm as & rose on legs !l#msy and
pri!ly "rom sitting in one pla!e too long. =>olli' & have to go.=
& didn3t wait "or her response be"ore & ended the !all. & dropped the phone on the des and slid the
hal"%eaten brea"ast ba! into its pla!e' $#st as m#ted "ootsteps entered the room.
& smoothed down my bla! sirt and raised my head' trying to pro$e!t an air o" !on"iden!e that
!r#mbled the moment & saw the man who3d lead the way into the room.
8ot him. 8o. & new him. 2r' didn3t. +y p#lse drowned o#t every other so#nd in the room as & too
him in. A slee' sharsin%gray s#it' no tie' open !ollar' so di""erent "rom the !as#al attire we3d s!attered
all over that hotel room "loor si- years ago.
+y throat was so dry & tho#ght it might seal itsel" o"". That was probably a good thing' be!a#se it
meant & wo#ldn3t be p#ing #p eggs and salmon all over his shiny' e-pensive bla! leather shoes.
=Are yo#...= & wat!hed his per"e!t lips "orm the words. Ae!ognition "li!ered a!ross his "a!e and he
raed his dar ash blonde hair ba! "rom his brow with his "ingers. & bra!ed mysel" "or the impa!t o" the
words that "ollowed) =,abriella3s assistant?=
Anger and morti"i!ation "o#ght over whi!h was going to send my blood into my head. & tried to will
mysel" pale as & nodded. =Cm' yeah. 0es.=
>e p#t his hand o#t. =8eil Elwood' Elwood and Stern.=
& wanted to snap' =0es' & now thatD 5e slept togetherD= There was no way in hell & was going to
say anything o" the sort. 8ot i" he didn3t remember me. Also' & didn3t te!hni!ally now who he was.
5hen we3d spent the night together' he3d told me his name was Bei"' and that he wrote "or a !ar
maga6ine. Apparently he(d misspoen' be!a#se 8eil Elwood didn(t write "or maga6ines. 8eil Elwood
owned maga6ines.
=Bad l#!'= he said apologeti!ally. &t so#nded m#!h more polite in his posh English a!!ent than it
wo#ld have i" some g#y "rom 8ew <ersey had $#st said' =Bad l#!'= abo#t my losing my "reaing $ob.
>is voi!e had !a#ght my attention the day we3d met' and it did wi!ed things to me now.
& too his hand and shoo it' ignoring the 6ings o" awareness that travelled straight #p my arm'
lighting #p every pleas#re !enter in my brain. & new that hand. Both o" them. >ad !ommitted every
detail abo#t them and what he3d done to me with them to memory. & smiled with !len!hed ba! teeth.
=0o#3re telling me.=
=Boo' & don3t want yo# to pani!.= & thin that was what he said. +y !on!entration had ind o" a
dreamy%aro#nd%the%edges 1#ality with tiny pinpoints o" bla!o#t rage s!attered aro#nd. &t made it
di""i!#lt to !on!entrate.
# can$t believe he doesn$t remember me. # can$t believe #$m losing my %ob.
=&n the meantime' !an yo# stay on here "or a "ew wees? 0o# !an train whoever ends #p as yo#r
repla!ement' and we !an "ind yo# something here that3s a better "it.=
& smiled in a really great impression o" a h#man with a "#n!tioning brain and said' =& wo#ld be
happy to stay on #ntil yo# "ind someone.=
& wo#ld also be happy to pay my hal" o" the rent' whi!h wo#ld be di""i!#lt i" & were #nemployed.
Still' & !o#ldn3t believe how !ool & was being abo#t all this.
Then & reali6ed that it was all going to hit me' event#ally. +y $ob was over. +y boss was "ired. &
was probably tainted' and & was going to see it in the "a!e o" every person & interviewed with "or the ne-t
"ive years. & might as well move ba! to +i!higan and start !ashiering at 9at(s 4oods.
&3d pra!ti!ally tied one o" those horrible polyester aprons on when & reali6ed that all was probably
not lost.
=,reat. 5e3ll be meeting with the editors at nine' whi!h is in abo#t...= 8eil or Bei" or whoever he
was pretending to be today !he!ed his wat!h' whi!h was ro#ghly the si6e o" a damn bread plate. =Ten
min#tes. Boo' & don3t really need yo# "or that' b#t what & will need is some !o""ee' and something to eat.
Can yo# do that "or me and be ba! here by ten' "or the o""i!e%wide anno#n!ement?=
=By ten?= >e didn3t want it "i"teen min#tes ago? 5asn3t he going to snap his "ingers at me?
=&s that not eno#gh time?= >e raised an eyebrow' and & was s#!ed pain"#lly ba! to that night in
Bos Angeles si- years ago. Even the way he li"ted a brow was ingrained in my memory' and he didn3t
now who & was. <#st another in a long line o" airport !on1#ests' & s#pposed.
=8o' it3s plenty o" time.= 5ay more time than ,abriella wo#ld have given me. =5hat wo#ld yo#
lie?=
& noti!ed a s#btle shi"t in the room. 2ne o" the men who3d !ome in with 8eil % & hadn3t paid m#!h
attention to them' sin!e their arrival hadn3t thrown me into an oh%god%we%"#!ed%be"ore pani! % !o#ghed
into his hand' and another openly rolled his eyes.
8eil' on the other hand' didn3t rea!t at all' waving me o"" with a' =Bagels wo#ld be "ine' get eno#gh
"or all o" #s.=
=Co""ee?= & ased' mentally !al!#lating whether & !o#ld wal or i" & wo#ld need a !ab.
=*o they not have !o""ee maers here?= the eye%roller ased with a =t!h= o" impatien!e. & resisted
the #rge to glare at him.
=2" !o#rse we do.= & hoped & so#nded !heer"#l and help"#l. =*o yo# pre"er Bolivian' Col#mbian'
we have a great dar roast "rom Chile that was pro"iled last month E =
8eil too a step toward me' his hands p#shing ba! his $a!et as he slipped them into his tro#ser
po!ets. =& now that ,abriella was very parti!#lar abo#t things aro#nd here. &3m not saying that & won3t
be parti!#lar abo#t yo#r wor' & will be. B#t &3m not going to "ire yo# i" yo# bring me the wrong !o""ee.=
=@ery good. Bagels and !o""ee.= & was "airly !ertain my "ro6en smile had irreparably damaged my
"a!ial m#s!les. 2n!e & was o#t o" the o""i!e' & r#bbed my a!hing !hee.
&t might seem odd to !omplain abo#t a boss who isn3t pi!y' b#t when yo#3re someone3s assistant' it
really helps i" that person is high%maintenan!e. Co""ee and bagels? 5hat ind o" !o""ee? Cream? S#gar?
+#g or disposable !#p? &" disposable' sho#ld it be 100F re!y!led material? +y $ob was made so m#!h
easier by ,abriella3s very spe!i"i! demands. 5itho#t them' & had to mae independent de!isions' whi!h
went against every one o" my s#bordinate instin!ts.
2ay' so & new & wasn3t going to be a s#bordinate "orever. Someday' & was going to get promoted
into a $ob & really wanted' and probably even have an assistant mysel". B#t that3s the "ood !hain o" the
woring world. 0o# bring someone else their ridi!#lo#s !o""ee order #ntil the day yo# !an order
someone to bring yo# ridi!#lo#s !o""ee. &t3s lie The &ion 'ing b#t witho#t animal hair on everything.
&" he wanted bagels' & !o#ld get him bagels. And & hoped he !hoed on them.
& stopped on the seventh "loor' and & was #ns#rprised to "ind it entirely empty and dar. 5hi!h
meant the shoot had been !an!elled' and >olli had probably gone home. & got ba! in the elevator and
headed down to the lobby.
& spotted >olli as soon as the doors opened. She(s not hard to spot. ;(10/' magni"i!ently' nat#rally
blonde' and wearing the most ratty' $#st% rolled%o#t%o"%bed !lothes that had ever gra!ed the lobby o" my
esteemed worpla!e' she stood by the se!#rity des' "rowning down at the i9hone in her hand.
=>olliD= & ran at her' then remembered & was at wor and slowed my steps. ,abriella might be o#t'
b#t & was still her assistant' and & !o#ldn3t be giving people the impression that it was time to pani!.
>olli "rowned. =0o# spilled something on yo#rsel".= & br#shed at the "ront o" my $a!et. =5ay
bigger problems. & really have to tal to yo#' lie right nowD= >olli "ollowed me o#t o" the b#ilding and
onto the street.
5e h#rried down the blo! and into a small !o""ee shop most o" the Porteras sta"" wo#ldn3t be
!a#ght dead in' be!a#se the drins weren3t e-pensive eno#gh. 5e slid into one o" the high ba!ed
booths.
=5hat the hell is going on #pstairs?= >olli hal"%whispered as she s!anned the men#. =0esterday it
was all' 3don3t be a min#te late or yo#3ll be p#nished3 and then & get there today and it3s !an!elled. 8o !all
to my agen!y or anything.=
=,abriella is "ired'= & whispered ba!. 5hat had on!e seemed lie the most important detail o" the
sit#ation seemed insigni"i!ant in the "a!e o" my morti"i!ation. =Something... worse has happened.=
& too a deep breath' ready to spill all the sordid and very personal details to my best "riend' b#t the
waitress stepped #p to tae o#r order. & waited with barely disg#ised impatien!e as >olli ordered the
l#mber$a! brea"ast with a side o" pan!aes. All & !o#ld thin o" was the rapidly gelling salmon &(d le"t
on ,abriella3s des. & ordered a !#p o" !o""ee.
=*o yo# remember the g#y & told yo# abo#t' the one & met on my way to 80C?= & waited "or the
"li!er o" re!ognition to pass over >olli3s "a!e. >er h#ge eyes opened even wider. >olli(s "a!e is lie'
ninety%"ive per!ent eyeballs.
=0o# mean...= She held #p her hands' ro#ghly ten in!hes apart.
& nodded miserably. =5ell' he3s ,abriella3s repla!ement. >e3s 8eil Elwood.=
=8eil Elwood' as in' (en$s )tyle *uarterly? As in' +ho, (aga-ine? That 8eil Elwood?= >olli3s
voi!e rose as she listed o"" the Elwood G Stern p#bli!ations. =2h my god' Sophie? 0o# slept with 8eil
Elwood?=
=& didn3t now he was 8eil Elwood thenD= & "lapped my hands "ranti!ally to sh#sh her. & didn3t even
now 8eil Elwood or his st#pid !ompany e-isted #ntil &3d gotten serio#s abo#t "ashion $o#rnalism. And
yeah' & g#ess the pi!t#res &3d seen o" him sin!e then had reminded me a little o" the g#y &3d slept with si-
years ago' b#t somehow &3d !onvin!ed mysel" that they didn3t loo that m#!h alie. =7eep yo#r voi!e
down. That3s not the worst part' oay? The worst part is that he doesn3t remember me.=
The waitress ret#rned with my !o""ee and >olli3s soda' and >olli toyed with her straw wrapper as
she leaned "orward. =>ow !o#ld he have "orgotten? & tho#ght it was lie' the hottest night ever.=
=&t was.= 5asn3t it? Si- years later and & was still thining abo#t him while spending 1#ality time
with my vibrator. B#t &3d also learned the pain"#l tr#th' in those intervening yearsH that two people !o#ld
have se- together and have two !ompletely di""erent e-perien!es.
=5ell' & tho#ght he so#nded lie ind o" a di!.= >olli sipped her !ola. =>e stole yo#r plane ti!et'
Sophie.=
That... was tr#e. And & o"ten overlooed that !r#!ial point' not be!a#se hot se- e-!#ses the"t' b#t
be!a#se it t#rned o#t to be the best thing to have ever happened to me. &n a way' & "elt lie & sho#ld than
him. =&" he hadn3t stolen my plane ti!et' & wo#ldn3t have gone to 80C. & wo#ldn3t have met yo#. 5e
wo#ldn3t be living this s#per "ab#lo#s li"e.=
=& wo#ldn3t be so 1#i! with the 3s#per "ab#lo#s li"e3 st#""' i" my boss had $#st gotten "ired'= >olli
pointed o#t. =5hat are yo# going to do?=
That was the million dollar 1#estion' wasn3t it? & sipped my !o""ee % it had a greasy sheen on top %
and grima!ed. There wasn3t e-a!tly an agony a#nt !ol#mn that !o#ld deal with this ind o" shit.
& !o#ldn3t drin the rest o" the !o""ee. & !o#ldn3t even sit still. =& have to bail' >olli. Are yo# going to
be aro#nd tonight?=
She nodded as she swallowed. =0eah' in all evening. *on3t stress o#t today' oay?=
& !o#ldn3t agree to that' and >olli new it. 5e said o#r goodbyes and & headed o#t onto the street.
The s#n was shining and the sy was bl#e. A bea#ti"#l 2!tober day in +anhattan. & hated when the
weather re"#sed to mat!h my mood.
As & waited in line at some no%name deli to pi! #p the bagels' my mind dri"ted over and over that
night si- years ago. &3d met 8eil % or Bei" % while waiting "or my plane to Toyo o#t o" BAI. & was
s#pposed to have gotten on a plane to 8ew 0or' to start !ollege at 80C' b#t at the last min#te &3d
!hi!ened o#t' and !harged an international "light on my emergen!ies%only !redit !ard.
>e3d been "orty%two' s#per d#per old by my naive' eighteen%year%old standards. B#t he3d had the
two things going "or him that & most desired in a man. >e was older than me' and he had an English
a!!ent. 5hen o#r "light got !an!elled' & spent the night with him' doing things & had only read abo#t on
the internet. &n the morning' &3d woen #p to "ind him gone' my ti!et to Toyo with him' and "o#r
tho#sand dollars wrapped #p in a note that advised me to get the ne-t plane to 8ew 0or. &3d been
"#rio#s' and yeah' si- years later' & was still pretty peeved abo#t it. >e3d had no right to !hange the
!o#rse o" my li"e that way. >e hadn3t even nown me. B#t i" he hadn3t done that' & wo#ldn3t be where &
was now.
That reali6ation made me "#rio#s all over again. 5here & was now was soon to be $obless and
woring "or a man who3d "#!ed me on!e and didn3t seem to remember me. &n a single morning'
everything had gone "rom great to horrible.
&n my ride #p to the o""i!e' & made a resol#tion to not thin abo#t that night. 2bvio#sly' 8eil hadn3t'
so why sho#ld &? & wo#ld not remember the so#nd o" his voi!e' low and !lose to my ear' telling me all
the things he was going to do to me. & wo#ld not remember his hands on me' or the "eel o" his naed
sin. & wo#ld not remember my hands tied behind my ba!' or i!e !#bes on my %
& might as well have thrown the bagels in the trash and headed straight to the #nemployment o""i!e'
i" that was my strategy. There was no way & wo#ld "orget any o" that' espe!ially woring with him every
day.
.very day until you train your replacement' & reminded mysel" as & passed my des. 9enelope still
wasn3t in. >ad someone tipped her o""? >ad ,abriella tipped her o""? 5hy wo#ldn3t she have !alled me?
& rapped on the hal"%open door. >e was already on ,abriella3s phone' taling !on"idently abo#t the
+ay iss#e. & wondered i" & wo#ld still be here then' or i" & wo#ld see it on the newsstand and start !rying
right there in "ront o" the bo- & wo#ld be living in. 8eil glan!ed #p' then away again as he motioned me
in. The eye%roller was looing thro#gh a ra! o" se1#ined minisirts' stopping o!!asionally to p#ll one
o#t and drop it on the "loor. >e looed #p at me with p#rsed lips.
2h' so we3re going to play the =& don3t now yo#' b#t & hate yo# already= game? That was "ine by
me. & wasn3t best "riends with everyone in the o""i!e and & wasn3t abo#t to start now. & raised my !hin as &
strode to 8eil3s des and dropped the bag o" assorted bagels and !ondiments neatly on the des.
>e !overed the mo#thpie!e o" the phone with his hand. =Than yo#' Sophie.=
& nodded and stepped ba! be"ore t#rning away "rom the des. & "rowned at the eye%roller' who
pretended he wasn3t eeping tabs on me. Then it str#! me where & had seen him be"ore. &n the pages o"
/anity 0air' always at some party or another in the >amptons or a trendy TriBeCa lo"t. >e was A#dy
Ainsworth' !ost#me designer "or the +etropolitan 2pera' among other ill#strio#s !ompanies. 5hat was
he doing pawing thro#gh +i!hael 7ors minis?
That mystery held my "as!ination "or abo#t thirty se!onds' #ntil & had !losed the door to 8eil3s
o""i!e behind me. Then it hit me. >e3d said' =Than yo#' Sophie.=
And & hadn3t given him my name.
Chapter Two
Aemember that promise &3d made to mysel"' that & wo#ldn3t thin abo#t how &3d had se- with 8eil?
0eah' a"ter & de!ided that he was $#st pretending not to re!ogni6e me' that promise "lew right o#t the
window.
5e assembled in the main o""i!e "or the big anno#n!ement. Elwood G Stern had p#r!hased
Porteras "rom o#r "ormer parent !ompany' b#t the "ormat and the styling wo#ld stay ro#ghly the same.
8eil addressed everyone brie"ly then let members o" the new management team tae over. 5hile they
taled abo#t grad#al !hanges to poli!ies and pro!ed#res' 8eil looed aro#nd the room' !learly assessing
ea!h employee he(d p#r!hased.
All & !o#ld thin was' # bet everyone can tell #$ve had sex with him.
2" !o#rse they !o#ldn3t possibly now that' b#t & new it. And that was eno#gh. & went thro#gh the
morning in an insane state o" hyperawareness and total paranoia. 5hen <ae stopped me on my way
thro#gh re!eption to as what & tho#ght abo#t the new boss' & pra!ti!ally sho#ted' =& don3t thin abo#t
himD= be"ore & !o#ld stop mysel".
=>e3s not ,abriella'= & said' be!a#se it was a sa"e answer' and tr#e in every !onte-t. 8eil had spoen
to everyone in a nat#ral' #nthreatening way. &" ,abriella had been there' she wo#ld have evis!erated him
with lasers "rom her eyes.
=*id yo# hear he3s ni-ed the @ersailles shoot?= <ae swore #nder his breath. =& now it3s shitty to
!omplain abo#t losing an all%e-penses%paid trip to 4ran!e' b#t that was s#pposed to be my !rowning
a!hievement here. & might have gotten a boo deal.=
4or over a year' <ae had been or!hestrating a massive photo shoot at the 9ala!e o" @ersailles.
*esigners had s#bmitted spe!ial pie!es. &t all had been meant as a "ramewor to show!ase <ae3s essay
on pre%Aevol#tion 4ren!h "ashion and its in"l#en!e on !ontemporary design.
=5hat?= & too him by the arm and p#lled him aside' so we didn3t blo! the "low o" tra""i! as the
o""i!e res#med normal operations. =>e3s !#tting it?=
=8o' he3s not !#tting it.= <ae leaned his sho#lder against the wall. =B#t we3re not going to 4ran!e.
>is idea was to shoot on a set' with the models in Baro1#e "rames. 3The "lavor o" 4ren!h nobility'
witho#t the e-pense o" 4ren!h nobility.3 And & !an3t really say & blame him. & mean' i" the maga6ine is
doing poorly % =
=>ow poorly?= & interr#pted. &t was something & was dying to now. &" Porteras was going down'
why hadn3t we heard r#mors abo#t it? 9eople were !onsistently rooting "or #s to "ail' be!a#se we were'
witho#t a do#bt' the top.
<ae "rowned. =>e didn3t say. & don3t thin we3ll ever now the whole story.=
8o' we probably wo#ldn3t. B#t that was no e-!#se "or me to start thining well o" 8eil Elwood.
=Can!eling the shoot is b#llshit. That spread was yo#r baby' and now this g#y $#st !omes along and
stabs it in the throat?=
<ae3s "rown deepened. =Ew.=
2ay' maybe & sho#ld have le"t o#t the baby stabbing. B#t & !o#ldn3t stand it i" <ae t#rned Team
8eil in one day. &3d seen how everyone had gone "rom nervo#s abo#t the "ates o" their $obs to being
!harmed by their !harismati! new boss within se!onds. &t seemed #n"air' and & was totally taing it
personally.
=& am leavingD= Cassidy' one o" the !opy writers' p#shed past #s !arrying a !arton that appeared to
hold her entire des.
=5hoa' Cass' what3s wrong?= <ae !a#ght her as she staled by' and she whirled on #s. & !an only
ass#me she was so "#ll o" venom that it had to go somewhere. The "a!t that we were the ones who
miled her "angs was $#st bad l#!.
=& am not going to wor "or himD & !ame here to wor "or ,abriella 5inters.= She li"ted her !hin a
bit when she said that holy name. =5here3s the prestige in woring "or a maga6ine owned by the same
people who p#blish three ma$or tabloids and All +oman +eekly? That3s a "at people maga6ineD=
Cassidy !o#ld drag ="at people= into several syllables by e-tending the !onsonants. She said it lie'
="""""""at peopllllle'= as tho#gh her rage over their very e-isten!e !a#sed a !hroni! spee!h impediment.
& tho#ght o" all the si6e twenty%eight dresses hanging in my mom3s !loset at home' and & reali6ed &
wo#ldn3t miss Cassidy all that m#!h.
B#t she did have one good point. Porteras wasn3t $#st a "ashion maga6ine' it was the "ashion
maga6ine. &t was "ashion' and what got printed in its revered pages di!tated what was worn by the
5estern world. 5o#ld it still be respe!ted and admired by the people who mattered i" it shared a parent
!ompany with maga6ines that paid top dollar "or papara66i shots o" pregnant !elebrities in biinis?
& went ba! to my des and !he!ed my itinerary "or the day. A lot o" st#"" got !rossed o"" by virt#e
o" my boss not being my boss anymore. & wo#ldn3t be driving ,abriella3s dog' Empress Catherine' to her
pedi!#re. & wo#ldn3t be attending a l#n!heon meeting with the Calvin 7lein advertising people either'
whi!h was a shame. & leaned my elbows on my des and !ontemplated 9enelope3s empty one a!ross
"rom mine. 5here the hell was she?
+y i9hone alerted me to a new te-t. & didn3t re!ogni6e the n#mber' b#t & !o#ld g#ess who it !ame
"rom when it said) (ay # see you in my office,
& rose and too a deep breath. & hadn3t even reali6ed 8eil was behind the !losed door. 9robably in
there with the testosterone brigade' still.
5hen & no!ed' 8eil !alled' =Come in.=
& stepped into the o""i!e' and my mood "lipped "rom relieved that his goon s1#ad wasn3t with him to
dread that & was in his o""i!e with him' alone. As nerve%wra!ing as it was to spea to him in "ront o"
people' it was even worse on my own. >e didn3t appear to be #n!om"ortable at all. >is $a!et was o""'
his sleeves were #nb#ttoned and rolled #p' and he smiled at me with gen#ine warmth as & stood in "ront
o" him.
5ell' o" !o#rse he wo#ldn3t be #n!om"ortable. >e didn3t remember having se- with me. 2r he did.
&3d de!ided that him nowing my name was de"initive proo"' b#t it really wasn3t. >e !o#ld have $#st
ased someone while & was o#t getting bagels.
>e gest#red at the sophisti!ated white !hair in "ront o" ,abriella3s des. =>ave a seatH there are
some things we need to dis!#ss.=
& held my breath. >e did remember me' a"ter all' and he was $#st waiting "or the right time to bring
it #p. 8ow he was going to "ire me.
=4irst o" all' l#n!h.= >e leaned ba! in ,abriella3s !hair. & never reali6ed it tilted' be!a#se she had
always sat #p so ramrod straight. =8o red meat' no +S,.=
& almost sighed in relie". 8ot "ired yet' and as a bon#s' he(d given me a somewhat spe!i"i! re1#est. &
rea!hed "or the notepad beside the blotter and gest#red to the pen beside it. =*o yo# mind?=
=8ot at all.= >e wat!hed me as & wrote down =8o red meat. 8o +S,'= on the top line' then
!ontin#ed' =&3ll #s#ally have brea"ast at home' so yo# don3t have to worry abo#t that. & will be having
l#n!h in today' tho#gh' and & need this % = he p#shed a manila envelope a!ross the des' =% to the !ler3s
o""i!e at City >all be"ore !losing.=
& too the envelope and d#ti"#lly wrote =Cler= in my notes' my pen hovering over the paper as &
awaited his ne-t instr#!tion.
=That3s all'= he said' and & looed #p to meet his am#sed e-pression. =&3m not a demanding boss. &
may need yo# to bring me !o""ee or mail something o!!asionally' all the #s#al assistant3s d#ties' b#t &3m
not going to send yo# all over town !aring "or my dog.=
=*o yo#...= & !leared my throat. Someone had told him abo#t Empress Catherine3s "re1#ent trips to
the holisti! vet. =*o yo# not have a dog?=
>is lips 1#ired. & remembered that hal"%smile so well. <#st lie si- years ago' & !o#ldn3t tell i" he
was smiling be!a#se he tho#ght me #tterly ridi!#lo#s' or i" he lied me.
>e3d smiled lie that when &3d "inally gotten #p the !o#rage to !ross the seating area by the gate. &3d
"elt so gross and #nattra!tive a"ter my "irst "light o" the day' wearing a "aded pair o" !om"ortable $eans
and a bla! =To 5rite Bove 2n >er Arms= t%shirt. & hadn3t straightened my hair' $#st p#lled it into a
sloppy ponytail. &3d wanted so badly to so#nd grown #p and world% weary. &3d gest#red to the gate and
said' =4irst time going to Toyo?=
And he3d smiled that mysterio#s hal"%smile and replied' =8o. B#t & bet it3s yo#rs.=
The man be"ore me now was si- years older' with a "ew more lines on his "a!e and little more gray
in his hair. B#t he still made my traitoro#s nees wea. & was !a#ght between hating him' and wanting to
$#mp into his lap. 8ot my "inest woring girl moment.
=8o'= he replied' the tilt to his lips never "ading. =& do not have a dog. *o yo# have any other
1#estions?=
5as he playing with me? & !o#ldn3t tell. B#t the way & saw it in that moment' & had nothing to lose.
=0es' & do.= & envisioned mysel" saying' .*id yo# on!e pi! #p a girl at BAI' "#! her brains o#t'
and tae her plane ti!et?= B#t my mo#th seemed to be' wisely' in agreement with the part o" my brain
s!reaming' 1o2 1o2 &nstead' & ased' =*o yo# now when 9enelope is going to be ba!?=
=9enelope?= >e "rowned a moment. =The other assistant' right. 8o' & believe' #m' +s. 5inters has
retained her servi!es o#tside o" the !ompany. 2r so >#man Aeso#r!es has in"ormed me. 2ne o" my sta""
will tae over "or her.=
& wondered i" he !o#ld hear the rage b#ilding #p inside me' lie steam in a tea ettle. +y vivid
imagination !on$#red #p a !ari!at#re o" my head morphing into an angry !artoon boiler whistle.
=,abriella...= +y throat st#! !losed. & had to stop to !lear it.
8eil $#mped dire!tly in. =Too her along.= >e pa#sed' #nderstanding trans"orming his p#66led
e-pression to one o" !on!ern. =She... didn3t o""er?=
=8o.= & p#lled down the "ront o" my !o""ee%stained $a!et. =8o' she did not 3o""er.3 5ill that be all?=
>e seemed momentarily perple-ed at my !#rtness' lie he3d never seen a!t#al h#man emotion
be"ore. @ery 1#i!ly' he said' =0es' & believe it will' Sarah' than yo#.=
)arah? That was it. The !herry on the shit s#ndae that was my day. +y !areer. >ell' my entire ad#lt
li"e. The woman & had tho#ght o" as a mentor apparently tho#ght o" me as o""i!e "#rnit#re. The man &3d
!ompared every potential lover to "or the past si- years didn3t remember having se- with me. And
$#dging by the "a!t that he !o#ldn3t even remember my name' my $ob was looing more temporary by
the se!ond.
=Are yo# 1#ite well?= 8eil ased' alarmed.
& wasn3t well at all. & was going to do the most dreaded' horrible' !areer illing thing it was possible
to do at Porteras. See' & have the bad l#! to be one o" those people who !ries when they3re angry. And
right then' & was "#rio#s.
5hen &3d "irst started woring "or ,abriella' &3d been se!ond assistant. The girl who had been "irst
assistant got le"t at the altar' and ret#rned to wor the same wee they started shooting "or a <#ne bridal
"eat#re. She had dabbed her eyes a little too obvio#sly' and within a wee' everyone was taling abo#t
=+iss >avisham= the $ilted spinster who3d had a total mental breadown at wor. & !o#ld not !ry'
espe!ially not in "ront o" 8eil.
& got to my "eet' and he rose as well. & ba!ed away with a hand at my throat' desperately a"raid he
wo#ld try to to#!h me' !om"ort me. There was no way & !o#ld tae that. =&3m "ine. & $#st... !hoed on my
own spit.=
)mooth.
& t#rned and h#rried to the door. >ow dare ,abriella !hoose 9enelope over me? She !o#ld have
o""ered me the $ob. >adn3t & been a good assistant? At least good eno#gh that she !o#ld have given me a
heads #p be"ore &3d been amb#shed by the new regime.
=& now yo# m#st be very #pset. 9erhaps yo#3d lie to tae the rest o" the day % =
& t#rned. =0o#3re right. & am #pset.= & weighed the pros and !ons o" what & said ne-t' and the meter
landed dire!tly on fuck it. &" & ended #p woring at 3ats (onthly' so be it. & looed him dead in the eye
and said' =Crown 9la6a. Bos Angeles airport. That3s why &3m #pset.=
The !olor drained "rom his "a!e. & too a se!ond o" sadisti! pleas#re "rom his s#dden and obvio#s
dis!om"ort. &" he didn3t remember me be"ore' he s#re as hell remembered me now.
And then & reali6ed' nothing had !hanged. & had $#st blown o"" my $ob' b#t ,abriella wo#ldn3t be
sitting o#tside my apartment' begging me to !ome wor "or her. Bi"e wo#ldn(t magi!ally ret#rn to the
way it had been yesterday' and & still had a latte stain down the "ront o" my "i"teen h#ndred dollar $a!et.
& had never so badly wanted the "loor to open #p and swallow me as & did at that moment. 8eil tried
an apologeti! smile' and when he !o#ldn3t eep it #p' he looed away' o#t the h#ge windows &3d
personally spot !leaned "or sm#dges "or the past two years. =0es. 5ell. As & was saying' perhaps yo#
sho#ld tae the rest o" the day. 5e3ll tal tomorrow.=
& le"t and !losed the door behind me. & hesitated beside my des' trying to de!ide i" & sho#ld !lear it
o#t right then and save mysel" a trip. B#t that wo#ld re1#ire staying in the o""i!e a moment longer' and
that was something & !o#ldn3t stand to do. & got my !oat and p#rse and le"t witho#t saying a word to
anyone.
J J J J
&n times o" great !risis' & !an always !o#nt on my very best "riend to point o#t the silver lining' to
tal thro#gh the problem at hand' and to bring some perspe!tive to the !haos that is my world.
Also' to do all that while providing m#!h appre!iated weed and boo6e.
=5hether or not he re!ogni6ed yo# the moment he saw yo#' he does at least remember yo#'= >olli
s1#eaed o#t as she e-haled a tr#ly impressive !lo#d o" pale bl#e smoe. =And yo# didn3t re!ogni6e him
"rom pi!t#res in maga6ines. 4a!e it' Soph' it3s not lie yo# g#ys had some ind o" lasting !ommitment
and he "orgot yo#. 0o# were a one%night stand.=
=& now.= & nodded miserably as & too my ne-t hit. =B#t who has anal se- with someone and
"orgets all abo#t it?=
>olli nodded enth#siasti!ally as she swallowed her sip o" wine. =+y "riend Ale-isD Bie two days
ago she was all' 3So there & was' bent over the it!hen sin with a vibrator in my p#ssy and my boy"riend
"#!ing my ass'3 and today & mentioned it and she was lie 3& have no idea what yo#3re taling abo#t.3=
She gingerly too the $oint "rom my "ingers and li"ted it to her lips. =B#t she has mad pregnan!y brain
right now.=
& shr#gged. As soon as &3d gotten home' &3d !hanged o#t o" my e-pensive wor !lothes and washed
o"" my eye mae#p. & sho#ld have "elt m#!h more rela-ed in my "lannel t#rtle $ammies' b#t & still didn3t
now what was going to happen at the o""i!e tomorrow. & wasn3t s#re there was eno#gh !annabis in the
entire #niverse to over!ome my an-iety.
>olli leaned "orward' her h#ge brown eyes going e-tra wide' lie she had an ama6ing se!ret. =5hat
i"... & went o#t and got #s Chinese "ood? And pi66a?= She raised a tri#mphantly !len!hed "ist. =And a
bo- o" !ereal.=
So' here3s the deal with >olli. She3s s#per sinny' d#e to a metaboli! disorder. 5hi!h means she has
to eat lie an elephant to loo lie a gira""e. &t might so#nd enviable' and & did envy her' "or abo#t the
"irst year & new her. B#t then & slowly started to noti!e how o"ten strangers wo#ld tell her to eat a
sandwi!h' or ass#me that she was anore-i!' $#st be!a#se she was thin and a model. & stopped saying st#""
lie' =That girl sho#ld eat'/ when & saw a sinny star in a maga6ine. Be!a#se & had seen >olli eat. And it
was !omi!ally dist#rbing.
=&3m not really "eeling the midnight % = & rea!hed a!ross the ba! o" the !o#!h and p#shed open the
blinds. =2h god. +id%almost%s#nset pig o#t. & do have to go ba! to wor tomorrow' even i" it is $#st to
get "ired. & thin &3m going to tae a hot bath and have an early bedtime.=
>olli too another deep inhale o"" the tiny st#b o" roa!h that was le"t' then !are"#lly p#t it o#t on the
edge o" the ashtray on the !o""ee table be"ore rea!hing #p to boop my nose with her "ingertip =0o# got
it' id.=
& peeled mysel" o"" the !o#!h and "elt some o" the depressive "#n li"t. &t had so#nded "#n to wallow
in my p$s all a"ternoon' b#t now & $#st "elt tired and bored and #nprod#!tive. +aybe while >olli was
eating her way thro#gh Chinatown' & !o#ld #pdate my res#me.
2r' & !o#ld tae a hot bath and drin more wine.
Boo' & don3t want to so#nd lie a waling !li!hK here' b#t sometimes' the bath and wine are totally
ne!essary.
The apartment & share with >olli is ama6ing. A two%bedroom wal #p on Canal' one o" the ma$or
selling points was the big living room window and a!!ess to the b#ilding3s roo"top garden. The walls in
the it!hen and living room were b#tter yellow' the "loors gleaming dar wood. The bedrooms were the
si6e o" shoebo-es' b#t it was still an ama6ing pla!e' espe!ially !ompared to o#r dorm room at 80C. B#t
the batht#b is the reason & will never' ever move. &n "a!t' when & do' & will probably try to st#"" it into my
s#it!ase and tae it with me.
&t3s an anti1#e' high%ba!' !law%"oot t#b with gleaming white por!elain enamel on the inside and
b#rnished !opper on the o#tside. There3s a !#rtain aro#nd it and a shower hose' so yo# !an hop in and
get !lean 1#i!' b#t today' & was planning to spend some 1#ality time in there.
& t#rned on the taps and ad$#sted the temperat#re to $#st above s!alding. 5hat !an & say? & lie to get
lobster"ied. & added way too m#!h b#bble bath and a to#!h o" sin%so"tening oil then headed to the
"ree6er to get another bottle o" !hilled white wine.
>olli was p#tting on her !oat. =&3ll see yo# laterD=
=*on3t go to that pla!e yo# got si! "rom last time'= & advised her' and lo!ed the door behind her.
Then my wine and & headed into the steamy bathroom. To "#l"ill the stereotype that was my !oping
me!hanism' & lit the sandalwood !andles on the small tray table beside the t#b' and p#lled #p some
m#si! on my phone.
5hile Bana *el Aey warbled a dirge%lie appeal abo#t singing the bl#es getting old' & san into the
bliss"#lly hot water and leaned my head ba! on the !ool por!elain.
As & lang#idly swirled my toes in the hot water' the aw"#lness o" the o""i!e that morning melted
away. So what i" & lost my $ob? & had eno#gh savings p#t aside that & !o#ld pay my hal" o" the rent and
bills "or a "ew months. &" that didn(t last' & had amassed plenty o" designer handbags and !lothes on the
$ob. & !o#ld easily eep mysel" in !onsignment shop money i" & needed to. 8i!e st#"" was' well' ni!e' b#t
not ne!essary. &3d sell it all i" & had to.
(aybe 1eil won$t fire you' & reminded mysel". Yeah4 you gave him a shock4 but he seems like a
decent guy.
8o. *e!ent g#ys did not "#! someone senseless and then steal their plane ti!et.
2" !o#rse' that g#ilt might motivate him to eep me at the !ompany. 5r a welltimed threat might...
& dismissed that one almost as 1#i!ly as &3d tho#ght o" it. 8o way wo#ld & bla!mail someone. &t
$#st wasn3t in my !hara!ter. Besides' & had no idea how many lives something lie that wo#ld impa!t. >e
might be in a relationship. >e might have a "amily. 5hat he(d done to me si- years ago was $erish in
the e-treme' b#t he(d le"t me eno#gh money that & !o#ld have gotten to Toyo i" &(d wanted to. And
while he(d been pres#mpt#o#s and r#de and !ontrolling and horrible witho#t nowing a thing abo#t my
li"e or my reasons "or r#nning away' it wasn(t worth it to sa!ri"i!e my own morals and potentially
destroy lives to eep a $ob.
&t was petty o" me' in light o" the very serio#s sit#ation & was in' b#t & really !o#ldn3t get over the
"a!t that he didn3t remember me. &3d spent si- long' "r#strating years trying to "ind someone who e-!ited
me hal" as m#!h as he had. &3d be lying i" & said & hadn3t imagined him doing the same thing' never able
to "orget me. The worst part o" it was that he still got to me. <#st thining abo#t him bro#ght pri!les o#t
all over my sin. &t always had' and probably wo#ld even a"ter he "ired me. &t was in!redibly #n"air.
& didn3t want 8eil. & wanted Bei"' the !harming English stranger in the airport. & still wanted him'
and probably wo#ld "orever.
+y body throbbed' lie it always did when & remembered that night. & pressed my thighs together
"or $#st a se!ond be"ore & slipped my hand between them.
=+hat do you want,= he ased me in my memory' his lips br#shing my ear as he pressed me against
the wall o" that hotel room. +y answer was always patheti!ally embarrassing in hindsight. &3d only had
se- with two other people be"ore him' and it hadn3t been anything to write home abo#t. &3d tho#ght o" the
iniest thing & !o#ld imagine' and shyly stammered' =6m... you could... spank me, (aybe,=
Cringe%worthy' & now' b#t & !o#ldn3t !hange the past. +y "ingers rolled over my "lesh beneath the
steaming water' and & sighed' my eyes dri"ting !losed.
>e3d smiled' and & !o#ldn3t tell i" he was maing "#n o" me or not' & still !o#ldn3t' even in my own
"antasy. =#f that$s what you want.=
& !o#ld smell his !ologne' see him #nb#ttoning the sleeves o" his gray%bl#e !hamois shirt. >e3d been
wearing a "aded *avid Bowie to#r shirt beneath it. &t was lie he3d spr#ng "#lly%"ormed "rom my
eighteen%year%old "antasies' the hot >istory tea!her who $#st !o#ldn3t help himsel".
That tho#ght opened my eyes. +an' had my daddy iss#es been that bad?
7oes it matter now, & ased mysel"' my "ingers res#ming their b#sy wor beneath the b#bbles. &
too a sh#ddering' shaing breath. & !o#ld pra!ti!ally "eel the !risp white d#vet beneath my !hee as &
relived lying a!ross his lap' !lad only in my !otton thong. &3d wished "or bla! la!e ba! then' b#t only
be!a#se & hadn3t reali6ed the almost pain"#l eroti!ism o" white !otton to men.
=!ave you ever done this before,= he3d ased so"tly' his palm maing slow !ir!les over my
ba!side.
&3d shaen my head' "eeling embarrassed by my re1#est and by how wet &3d already been' how
in!redibly aro#sed he3d made me d#ring the !ab ride over' and in the elevator' and...
& shi"ted my legs' slipping down "#rther in the water. 2h' we3d dis!#ssed the r#les ba! then' b#t &
didn3t need r#les in my batht#b. +y blood po#nded' remembering that "irst hard sma!H the sho!ing
so#nd o" it e!hoing o"" the walls' the stinging pain that had taen a moment to really set in. >e3d soothed
it nearly away with the same hand that had delivered the blow' then another had landed' and another.
Ea!h time' &(d worried & wo#ldn3t be able to tae the ne-t. +ould he think # was silly or stupid for
calling the game off,
>is long "ingers had sated beneath my thong' p#lling it #p tighter against my a!hing p#ssy be"ore
slipping it down to my nees. Then another hard slap to my ass' and his "ingers were inside me' two o"
them' ro#ghly pl#nging in and p#lling o#t. & had been so ready' wetter than &3d ever been' my mind
!ons#med with a steady !hor#s o" pleas to $#st get on with it and "#! me' already. +aybe i" & had
nown how long he wo#ld mae me wait' & wo#ld have given #p. B#t &3d taen every sho!ing !onta!t
between his hand and my ba!side' #ntil my sin had been a"lame and & was s#re & wo#ldn3t be able to
sit down on the long "light the ne-t morning.
The tight' hot spiral & was so "amiliar with now gripped my pelvis' and & pi!ed #p the pa!e'
remembering how slow and meas#red his breathing had seemed in !ontrast to my desperate panting.
>e3d spread my own $#i!es aro#nd my "olds' stroing #p' !ir!ling the #ntried opening between my
!hees. &3d p#shed #p on my elbows' abo#t to protest o#t o" modesty more than distaste' when another
searing blow landed. &n its wae the tip o" his th#mb slipped into my ass' and & hadn3t been o" a mind to
arg#e with him anymore.
& remember one desperate !ry' =Please2= and & e!hoed it to mysel" now' twisting !loser and !loser to
the edge. >e3d made me !ome then' his th#mb in my ass' two "ingers in my grasping !#nt' the other two
woring over my hard !lit #ntil &3d e-ploded. <#st lie & e-ploded in the t#b' my legs 1#ivering and
$ering' bath water sloshing onto the "loor.
=4#!.= +y other arm was over my head' mimi!ing the ar!h o" the t#b' and & !overed my eyes "or
$#st a moment' to get my breath. That night had been in!redible' b#t now & had to res!#e the hardwood
"loor' and &3d $#st $illed%o"" to a "antasy abo#t my new boss. & might have "elt better "or a "ew se!onds'
b#t now & "elt !onsiderably worse. And & still had to "a!e him the ne-t day.
Chapter Three
The ne-t morning' & got #p' "or!ed mysel" o#t o" bed' and promised mysel" that no matter what
happened' & wo#ld not $#mp "rom anything taller than two "eet today.
& dressed lie & was going into battle' in bla!' high%waisted' wide%legged tro#sers and a slee'
str#!t#red' r#st%!olored $a!et over a white blo#se. & donned dar wood bangles lie armor and did #p
my eyes in shades o" tarnished silver. The !onto#ring' my god' the !onto#ring. & wore my brown hair in
!areless waves E the type o" !areless only someone who3d spent an ho#r and a hal" on her hair alone
!o#ld a!hieve. And when & strode "rom the bathroom in a !lo#d o" "ragran!ed body lotion' >olli a!t#ally
dropped the gallon o" i!e !ream she was eating dire!tly "rom "or brea"ast.
=>oly mother o" !heebones'= she m#ttered as she li!ed her spoon !lean. =Are yo# going to wor
looing lie that?=
=9"".= & looped a sinny !ashmere s!ar" aro#nd my ne!. =&3m going networing lie this. & "ig#re &3ll
be "ired by nine%thirty' & !an at least go drop o"" some rKs#mKs.=
=0o#3re taing this really well.= >olli pi!ed #p her b#!et o" i!e !ream. =Sho#ld & be prepared "or
the inevitable "all o#t?=
=There isn3t going to be any inevitable "all o#t'= & stated "irmly. And & meant that. &3d done my
moping aro#nd' b#t rather than let mysel" be!ome a vi!tim to a sit#ation that was totally o#t o" my
hands' & wo#ld e-ert !ontrol over whatever aspe!ts & !o#ld. &(d leave my !#rrent $ob gra!e"#lly and
pro"essionally' and try to get another as soon as possible.
=+mhm.= >olli nodded as she sh#""led to the !o#!h. =<#st remember' +r. Cheeba and & will be
right here waiting i" yo# !hange yo#r mind.=
& made s#re & was o#t the door be"ore she !o#ld light #p. & didn3t want to smell lie weed at seven in
the morning.
& got my !o""ee and my brea"ast at my #s#al stop. &t didn(t tae the #s#al amo#nt o" time' tho#gh'
whi!h & really appre!iated. The last thing & wanted was to be late to my "iring. & !a#ght an earlier train
than normal' too. At least something was going to go right today.
The b#ilding(s lobby was still pretty empty when & negotiated the revolving door and "lashed my
badge at se!#rity. & got an elevator with no wait E epic2 E and when & got to the o""i!e' &(d even beat
&vana' the re!eptionist. 8o one ever got to wor be"ore she did. & s#spe!ted she lived #nder the des.
& p#n!hed the time !lo! via my destop !omp#ter and started on the totally not "#n tas o"
trans"erring all my personal "iles to an e-ternal hard drive. &(d also !lear my internet history and wipe
o#t my !onta!ts list. & wasn(t going to leave a s!rap o" help "or the new regime. At 1#arter a"ter eight' &
!he!ed my phone. 8o messages "rom 8eil.
,osh' he really wasn3t anything lie ,abriella. By now' the sy wo#ld have already been "alling'
and !rises wo#ld be raining down on #s.
5hoever had !overed "or me had emailed me 8eil3s s!hed#le "or the wee' and a list o" things that
had to be done this morning. That s#rprised me' !onsidering & had planned on being "ired and "ig#red he
was planning the same thing. +#st have been an oversight.
2ne o" the glass do#ble%doors p#shed open' and 8eil entered' in a long' bla! wool !oat that he
shr#gged o"" the moment he stepped inside.
& $#mped #p to tae it "rom him' totally o#t o" habit. &3d been hanging #p g#ests3 !oats in the o""i!e
"or yearsH it wo#ld have "elt deeply #nnat#ral to re"rain "rom taing his.
=,ood morning' Sophie.= >is tone was totally "ae and even' at odds with the #n!om"ortable way
he tried and "ailed to maintain eye !onta!t as he said it.
=,ood morning'= & replied' and & "i-ed my eyes right on him' "eeling a mean little thrill o"
satis"a!tion. That$s right. #$m refusing to acknowledge the awkwardness of this situation. +hat are you
gonna do about it, =Co""ee' bla!' two s#gars?=
=0es' than yo#.= >e re!overed impressively' adopting e-a!tly the same strategy & had !hosen to
#se) denial. =And i" yo# !o#ld set the thermostat to aro#nd si-ty%"ive' i" it3s not too m#!h tro#ble? &t3s a
bit warm in here.=
=Certainly.= & smiled my easiest' !losed%mo#th wor smile' all the while sing%songing in my head'
#8ve seen you naked4 #8ve seen you naked. >e headed "or his o""i!e' and & opened the !oat !loset and
retrieved one o" the gleaming wood hangers.
=Sophie.=
& stopped and t#rned. >e stood in "ront o" his door' wat!hing me. & had won o#r little stando"". >e
was going to bring #p what had happened yesterday. & g#ess & !o#ld have gloated over my tiny vi!tory'
b#t instead & $#st "elt really' really si! to my stoma!h.
>is e-pression was an apology written in h#man "a!ial "eat#res. Something passed between #sH an
energy so "#ll o" weight and promise that it made the air heavy. +y body went entirely still witho#t my
willing it to' b#t & wasn3t tense. All at on!e' we were the lovers in that hotel room again' and the
intervening events evaporated into ether.
And in that moment o" per"e!t tr#st' when we !o#ld have broa!hed the di""i!#lt history we had
made between #s' A#dy Ainsworth strode thro#gh the door and !on"idently deposited his !oat a!ross my
des. =+orning' 8eil. Aeady to save this maga6ine?=
Be"ore & go any "#rther' & sho#ld really e-plain A#dy Ainsworth. >e was the ind o" person who'
thro#gh nothing e-traordinary abo#t his appearan!e' manner' or dress' !ommanded all the attention in a
room the moment he stepped into it. >e was short' slightly ro#nd' and had bea#ti"#l dar sin' b#t he
wasn3t s#per good%looing' $#st average. >e wore tweed bla6ers and patterned plaid shirts with bow ties
witho#t looing lie a hipster or a nerd' even with the thi! bla!%"ramed reading glasses he sometimes
wore. >e was totally plain' b#t he e-#ded something that drew everyone to him lie a magnet.
This morning' that magneti! e""e!t was somewhat diminished by the tension between 8eil and me'
and we both seemed to reali6e that A#dy had noti!ed it' as well. & h#rried to hang #p the !oats while
A#dy looed with interest "rom me to 8eil and ba!.
=*id yo# en$oy yo#r day o""' +iss Sophie?= A#dy had a so"t voi!e and a "aint' generi! so#thern
a!!ent that & was abo#t seventy per!ent s#re was a pretentio#s p#t%on. &t was obvio#s that the 1#estion
was an admonishment' and & was s#pposed to try and "erret o#t the right response.
=0es' than yo# "or asing.= & wasn3t going to mae an e-!#se "or my absen!e. A#dy Ainsworth
!o#ld thin whatever he wanted abo#t me' and it wo#ldn3t h#rt my "eelings. & was getting "ired today'
anyway.
=&3m glad yo#3re here'= 8eil told A#dy. =Can yo# !ome in and loo at the b#dget they proposed "or
the handbag spread?=
& was instantly "orgotten' and the moment the doors !losed behind them' & dropped into my !hair. &
was almost di66y "rom whatever had happened between 8eil and me' and my relie" at having been
res!#ed "rom a potential labyrinth o" passive%aggressive !onversation with A#dy.
A#dy was the least o" my worries. 8ow that 8eil had le"t the room' & went o"" on an emotional
bender' eyeing o#r might%have%been !on"rontation "rom every possible paranoid angle. >ad he "elt what
& had? &t had seemed so obvio#s in the moment. 5as he still going to "ire me? >ad & imagined it all?
& went on a#topilot "or the "irst "orty%"ive min#tes o" my day' answering the phone' "alling ba! on
the !om"ortable ro#tine &3d been in $#st a !o#ple days ago. &3d tho#ght the maga6ine wo#ld !ome apart
witho#t ,abriella' b#t everything seemed so sho!ingly normal. +aybe & !o#ld eep woring here' a"ter
all. +aybe & !o#ld snag a position someone else had va!ated in a h#"" yesterday. Bi"e might a!t#ally
improve.
4or the "irst time in a very long twenty%"o#r ho#rs' & started to "eel lie maybe my !areer wasn3t
!ompletely over.
At aro#nd l#n!htime' 8eil emerged "rom his o""i!e and pa#sed beside my des. =& thin yo# sho#ld
$oin me "or l#n!h. 5e have some things we need to dis!#ss. &vana will !over any !alls.=
>ave l#n!h with 8eil? & had a vision o" bar"ing #p my still%beating heart right onto my des in "ront
o" him. & "elt a bit 1#easy as & got to my "eet' whi!h seemed to have been en!ased in blo!s o" lead. &
went to the !loset and got o#r !oats' handing him his "irst. To my s#rprise' he moved to tae mine "rom
my hands.
=&3ve got it'= & said as pleasantly as & !o#ld as & shr#gged it over my sho#lders. 5e were still at war'
even i" & had !ome to a sort o" #neasy pea!e abo#t wor.
& "ollowed him thro#gh the lobby' pre"erring to eep a "ew steps behind him' lie &3d done with
,abriella. >e noti!ed be"ore we even rea!hed the elevators.
=Co#ld yo# stop "ollowing along lie +ary3s little lamb? 0o#3re my assistant' not my servant.= >e
so#nded a bit irritated. At me or ,abriella? 2r both o" #s?
Even tho#gh we only stopped twi!e on the way down' & tho#ght it m#st have been the longest
elevator ride o" my entire li"e. & stood beside him' not saying anything' my ga6e "i-ed "irmly on the
n#mbers lighting #p over the doors. & didn3t want my eyes to stray to my right "or even a nanose!ond'
be!a#se & was !ertain he wo#ld noti!e me looing at him.
S#ddenly' & reali6ed how men m#st "eel when standing at a #rinal in a p#bli! bathroom.
5e !rossed the lobby' and & noti!ed people stopping to stare. 8ot at me' b#t at 8eil' and why
sho#ldn3t they? The entire b#ilding was ab#66 with the taeover o" Porteras' and people were eager to
get a glimpse o" the man who3d bree6ed in and o#sted the "eared' "ire%breathing ,abriella 5inters.
4rom the hard set o" his $aw' & g#essed he noti!ed the attention' too.
A !ar waited at the !#rb' a bla! and gray +ayba!h L2' and 8eil opened my door "or me. & gritted
my teeth. 5hen & rea!hed "or the handle to !lose it mysel"' 8eil stepped ba! hastily to go ro#nd the
other side o" the !ar.
A partition between the "ront and ba! seats separated the !ar in two. 8eil got in and #sed the
inter!om system to spea with the driver abo#t o#r destination. & was $#st grate"#l "or the !enter !onsole
between the two o" #s. &t was ni!e to have a physi!al barrier thereH !om"orting lie a podi#m at a p#bli!
speaing gig.
As we p#lled away' & too a mental inventory o" the !ar. &t de"initely had a better T@ than & had in
my apartment' and more real wood than all o" my "lat%pa! "#rnit#re !ombined. &t was also an
abnormally 1#iet ride' "ree "rom o#tside noise' so the awward silen!e between 8eil and mysel" had
been sharpened to a "ine point.
>e seemed abo#t as thrilled to be in the !ar with me as & was to be with him. >e leaned against the
door and looed o#t at the tra""i!' his mo#th a grim line. 5hen he "inally spoe' his voi!e was so"t and
pained. =& do remember yo#' Sophie.=
The words too the breath "rom my l#ngs. +y "irst instin!t was to mae some ind o" 1#ip to
de"le!t him' b#t it was "inally in the open between #s' and there was no sense in r#nning "rom it now.
=0o# didn3t yesterday.=
=&3ve never "orgotten yo#.= There was a bewildered 1#ality to his words' as tho#gh he !o#ldn3t
believe & wo#ld thin he3d let me pass "rom his memory "or an instant. =& $#st didn3t reali6e it was yo#'
#ntil yo# said... 4or ,od3s sae' the Sophie & new was going to go to <apan to tea!h English and "ind
hersel". & never tho#ght &3d see yo# again.=
=8ever tho#ght' or hoped never to?= & tried at a smile' to pass it o"" as a $oe' and it all sort o" "ell
apart' so & looed away' o#t the window. There were millions o" people in the !ity & wo#ld trade pla!es
with in a heartbeat to es!ape this moment' and yet...
&3d wanted this "or si- years. Even when &3d been "#ming mad and trying to #se his money to b#y a
last%min#te seat on a "light to 8ew 0or' &3d been more h#rt and angry by the "a!t that & wo#ld never see
him again than & had been at the way he3d le"t me.
=& sho#ldn3t have taen yo#r ti!et'= he admitted. =& did it be!a#se yo# were so bright and being so
st#pid... b#t it wasn3t my pla!e to prevent yo# "rom maing a mistae. & didn3t even now yo#.=
& sat ba! against the very !om"y leather seat. >e was apologi6ing. &3d always imagined him
apologi6ingH &(d $#st never anti!ipated he wo#ld !all me st#pid while doing it.
=&3m glad yo# went to 80C.=
5hen & looed at him again' the weighty "eeling between #s was ba!. There was no mistaing that
he "elt it' too. & too a shay breath. =So am &. &t got me a good $ob. Am & going to eep it?=
>e looed as tho#gh he wo#ld answer me' b#t the !ar stopped and the driver spoe over the
inter!om. =5e3ve arrived' +r. Elwood.=
8eil e-ited the !ar' and this time he let me get my own door. & had to admit' & was impressed by
that' b#t it was di""i!#lt to maintain any level o" e-!itement when my $ob had been le"t a !li""hanger.
The resta#rant 8eil had !hosen "or #s was a small brasserie with a sidewal !a"e still serving l#n!h
o#tside' despite the bris "all weather. The hostess smiled as we approa!hed' and 8eil mentioned a
reservation.
=8ot #nder an ass#med name this time?= & ased #nder my breath as we "ollowed the woman
thro#gh the mostly empty resta#rant. 1o wonder he needed a reservation4 this place is hopping' &
tho#ght snidely' and then & was somewhat bolstered by the "a!t he hadn3t taen me somepla!e s#per
pop#lar and !rowded. That wo#ld have been a "lashing neon sign that & was abo#t to be "ired. The
hostess led #s all the way to the ba! o" the b#ilding' past the restrooms and the it!hen' to a small
private dining room.
=This #sed to be a mob hideo#t'= 8eil said !heer"#lly as he gave his !oat to the hostess.
& #nbelted my !oat and wored on the b#ttons' giving the waitress a septi!al loo. =That3s not tr#e'
is it?=
She shr#gged with a "riendly smile. =That3s what we tell people.=
8eil moved to p#ll my !hair o#t. & ar!hed a brow at him' and he held #p his hands apologeti!ally
and too his own !hair.
=+andy will be right with yo#'= the hostess said as she handed #s o#r men#s' one page o" !risp tan
paper tied into a leather !over with neat bla! ribbon. 5henever & ate in a 8ew 0or resta#rant' &
g#iltily remembered the laminated !ard sto! at all the resta#rants in my hometown' and & !o#ld almost
hear my relatives telling me & was getting too big "or my brit!hes.
=*o yo# !are "or d#!?= 8eil ased' glan!ing #p "rom his men#. =They have a very good !old d#!
!on"it salad.=
& !o#ld have told him e-a!tly what to do with his d#!. =Are we here be!a#se yo#3re "iring me?=
>e didn(t loo #p this time. =8o. & wo#ldn3t "ire yo# $#st be!a#se we slept together in the past. &3m
the interloper here' yo#3ve been with Porteras m#!h longer.=
The tension in my wor brain eased' and & looed down at the pri- "i-e men# and weighed my
options in silen!e.
=*o yo# thin yo#3d stay on?= he ased !as#ally as the waitress ret#rned "or o#r drin orders. &3m
never s#re what &3m s#pposed to order "or a b#siness l#n!h' so & st#! to !o""ee and water. To my
s#rprise' he "ollowed my lead. &3d tho#ght he wo#ld order some "an!y e-pensive wine or something.
& !onsidered his 1#estion. &t wo#ld be insane "or anyone to want to wor "or someone they had a hot
one%night stand with. =As yo#r assistant? & don3t thin that3s something & !an manage.=
=& !ompletely #nderstand.= >e set his men# aside and sat ba! in his !hair' one hand toying with the
stem o" his water glass. =To be 1#ite honest' & don3t thin & wo#ld "eel !om"ortable ordering aro#nd
someone with whom & had a se-#al relationship. >ad a past se-#al relationship' that is.= >is 1#i!
amendment bro#ght a hot "l#sh to my !hees' and he !leared his throat while we looed "irmly away
"rom ea!h other. The waitress !ame to o#r res!#e' taing my order "or a grilled !alamari salad' and his
"or mo#les mariniMres' whi!h he prono#n!ed per"e!tly.
!e could have %ust said $#$ll have the mussels4$ & sniped silently. 5hat was the point o" sitting here'
having l#n!h with him' i" it wasn3t going to save my $ob?
& reali6e & wasn3t being entirely "air to him. >e3d apologi6ed "or stealing my plane ti!ets. >e
seemed gen#inely sorry that he hadn3t remembered me. And it wasn3t lie he !o#ld !ontrol the "a!t that
o#r wor paths had !rossed. 5e were both in a weird sit#ation' here.
A"ter the waitress le"t #s' 8eil began again. =As & was saying' & wo#ldn3t be !om"ortable eeping
yo# on as my assistant' b#t & see no reason "or yo# to leave the maga6ine !ompletely. 0o#r !oworers
spea very highly o" yo# and yo#r e-perien!e in the !ompany. 5o#ld yo# !onsider a!!epting an
assistant bea#ty editor position?=
& was glad he ased me now' be!a#se i" we3d been eating' & wo#ld have been !hoing on s1#id "or
s#re. =E-!#se me?=
=&t3s a bit o" a leap' b#t ,abriella did p#t yo#r name down on the list o" s#ggestions.= >e too a sip
o" his !o""ee. =& won3t press#re yo# into maing a de!ision right away. That3s not what this l#n!h is "or.=
,abriella p#t my name on a list? 5ith other !andidates? +eaning' she didn3t even see to my $ob
se!#rity be"ore she le"t? & tried hard to disg#ise my annoyan!e. A"ter all' she had p#t me down as a
!andidate "or assistant bea#ty editor. That was a h#ge promotion "or me' and a !han!e to a!t#ally #se my
degree. =5ell' & appre!iate the time to thin... b#t what is this l#n!h "or' i" not to dis!#ss wor?=
There was that hal"%smile again' lie a ghost o" my most private "antasies passing silently between
#s. =To !at!h #p. &t3s been si- years' a"ter all.=
=Ah.= +ell4 after # couldn$t get on my plane to Tokyo because you stole my plane tickets...
& wo#ld have to let that go' or mae my li"e really di""i!#lt. Si- years ago' &3d done lots o" st#pid
things &(d had no b#siness doing. Si- years "rom now' &3d probably be saying the e-a!t same thing.
Clearly' 8eil tho#ght o" taing my plane ti!et as one o" those st#pid things he(d had no b#siness doing.
& !o#ld a""ord to be a little more "orgiving.
=0o# now' we didn3t really now ea!h other be"ore'= & began' not #nindly. &t was $#st a "a!t we
!o#ldn3t ignore and still wor together. =There3s no reason we sho#ld "eel weird abo#t this.=
=& believe that3s #navoidable.= >e la#ghed' and the b#bble o" tension between #s b#rst. &3d "orgotten
thatH he spoe so !are"#lly and always seemed to now e-a!tly what to say' b#t la#ghed witho#t a hint o"
reservation. The !reases at the !orners o" his eyes deepened' and his wide smile showed his straight'
white teeth.
The relie" o" the moment overwhelmed me' and & la#ghed' too. And on!e & started' & !o#ldn3t stop. &t
"elt good to let down the walls &3d b#ilt #p in the "a!e o" all my "ears. & had anti!ipated getting "ired' and
that wasn3t going to happen' at least not today. &3d tho#ght that things between 8eil and & wo#ld be
weird' and they were. B#t it wasn3t the end o" the world' and & wasn3t the only one s#""ering. That did a
lot to ease my mind.
=2h' Sophie.= >e shoo his head' his smile dimming $#st a little. =&3ve tho#ght abo#t yo# so m#!h. &
was s#!h a deplorable ass.=
=2r Bei" was a deplorable ass'= & s!olded' and "o#nd mysel" somewhat sho!ed to be play"#lly
teasing' rather than tr#ly angry.
=&n my de"ense' Bei" is my middle name. & didn3t p#ll it o#t o" the air.= >is green eyes met mine' and
& didn3t "eel the #n!om"ortable #rge to loo away this time. >e lowered his voi!e. =*id & r#in yo#r li"e?
Taing those ti!ets?=
8o' he hadn3t. >e3d saved it' b#t & !o#ldn3t tell him that. &t wo#ld be too m#!h lie e-!#sing him. =&
had a !hoi!e. 0o# le"t me plenty o" money. & !o#ld have waited "or another "light' and & didn3t. & bo#ght
the ti!et to 8ew 0or. & made my !hoi!e.=
=And yo# don3t regret it?= he ased !a#tio#sly.
& shr#gged. =& do wonder what might have happened di""erently in my li"e' b#t &3m happy where &
am.=
=,ood.= >e pa#sed. .&3ve tho#ght abo#t how things !o#ld have been di""erent' as well.=
+y throat almost !losed o"" with the an-iety those words inspired in me. *id he mean between #s?
2r the way we parted? 2r $#st that yesterday wo#ld have been so m#!h easier "or him i" &3d spent it in
<apan?
=& have to be honest.=
& absol#tely hated when other people #sed that phrase' and 8eil was no e-!eption. Those words
made me sim#ltaneo#sly deno#n!e everything a person said so "ar as a lie' and s#spe!t everything that
!ame a"ter. And that was a shame' be!a#se & really' really wanted to believe what he said ne-t.
=&3ve o"ten regretted the way we le"t things. And &(ve wondered how it might have been di""erent' i"
we(d stayed in !onta!t./ >is mo#th 1#ired' and melan!holy lines deepened on his "orehead. .& almost
had the driver t#rn aro#nd and !ome ba! "or yo# on my way to the airport. And then at the gate' & ept
hoping that yo#(d... & don(t now' somehow show #p. 2r the "light wo#ld be delayed again. & almost
didn(t get on the plane. B#t at that point & new it was too late. &(d "#!ed it all #p the moment &(d le"t
that hotel room. &" & !o#ld do things over' & promise' & wo#ld do them di""erently.=
&t3s #tterly bi6arre how a ind sentiment !an h#rt yo# as m#!h as a !r#el one. +y heart shattered in
my !hest. 0eah' &3d tho#ght o" what my li"e wo#ld have been lie i" we3d gotten on that plane together.
+aybe we wo#ld have met #p again in Toyo. &t !o#ld have been a &ost in Translation ind o" thing'
and we !o#ld have lived happily ever a"ter. The "a!t that he3d been !onsidering s#!h an o#t!ome as well
wo#nded me deeply.
5hi!h was abs#rd' & reminded mysel". You knew him for less than twenty four hours. &ove at first
sight doesn$t exist. Tho#gh & new deep down that & was mo#rning the idea o" him and not any great
love' it still h#rt.
=Are yo# all right?= he ased' !on!ern darening his ga6e.
& nodded' and too a sip o" my water to swallow down the l#mp in my throat. Setting the glass ba!
on the table' & said with "or!ed !heer"#lness' =&sn3t it strange that we3re meeting #p again now?=
& reali6ed the moment & said it that he wo#ld tae it "or more than it was' as tho#gh & were
pro"essing some ind o" "ate or destiny sit#ation. >is eyebrows rose' and he glan!ed nervo#sly away' as
i" he were looing "or a net to s#ddenly s#rro#nd him. =0es' well' & !o#ldn3t... get involved with yo#. 2r
with anyone' right now. &3m going thro#gh a bit o" a nasty divor!e.=
=& wasn3t % = & stopped mysel". Better to "orge ahead than try to e-plain away the past in these types
o" !onversations. =& wo#ldn3t be interested in anything' either.=
=2h?= 5as that disappointment & heard in his voi!e? =0o#3re seeing someone' then?=
=&3m not seeing anyone.= & lied the tho#ght o" letting him stew with that' b#t it seemed too
dishonest' and dishonesty hadn(t done #s any great "avors so "ar. =The tr#th is' &3ve never "o#nd anyone
who... meas#res #p.=
And then' hand to ,od' 8eil Elwood' billionaire p#blisher and entreprene#r' giggled. &t was the
most !harming' teenage%boyish so#nd &3d ever heard "rom anyone over the age o" twenty. <#st lie that' &
was #tterly smitten with him again.
& !o#ld either wor aro#nd him every day and drive mysel" !ra6y' or & !o#ld !ontin#e on this
honesty trend. & too a deep breath and stepped o"" the most insane !li"" &3d ever stood on. =Boo' this is
going to so#nd... & don3t want anything serio#s. 0o# don3t' either. B#t we3re obvio#sly attra!ted to ea!h
other' and now we3re in this sit#ation. &" we wanted to see ea!h other !as#ally' what wo#ld that h#rt?=
& swear & le"t my body "or a se!ond. & looed down on the s!ene with the most !r#shing sense o"
sel"%awareness & hope never to e-perien!e again. +hat was # doing,
& had $#st propositioned my boss.
& remember sitting in the ba! o" the ta-i that day si- years ago' his hand on my thigh over my
$eans' his low voi!e telling me' =Anything yo# want.=
And lie that' & !ame ba! to mysel"' and & was staring into 8eil3s gorgeo#s green eyes' trying to
g#ess what he was thining.
=Sophie' &3m yo#r boss.= +y heart san' b#t then he !ontin#ed' =5e wo#ld have to be... reasonably
dis!reet aro#nd the o""i!e./
=Absol#tely. & wored too hard to get where & am.= & "rowned. .0o# don(t thin & wo#ld do anything
to get #s noti!ed? &(m not st#pid./
>e looed brie"ly p#66led at that then said' =0o#3re right' &3m not giving yo# eno#gh !redit. &
s#ppose &(m remembering yo# as that imp#lsive yo#ng woman in the airport. 0o# were what' all o"
twenty%"ive ba! then?/
5h. Yeah.
& !leared my throat. =Abo#t that. & maybe "#dged a little on my age./
>is eyes narrowed. =0o# "#dged?=
=0eah' & wasn3t heading to 80C "or a grad#ate program.= >e was going to be mad. Aeally mad. =&
wasn3t twenty%"ive. & was eighteen.=
=Eighteen. Aeally?= >is normally easy spee!h was stilted and nervo#s' pit!hed higher than be"ore.
=So that wo#ld mae yo# twenty%"o#r % =
=Twenty%"o#r'= & said at the same time he did. =That3s not a problem' is it?=
8eil had been "orty%two when we3d hooed #p. >e3d e-pressed some dis!om"ort at o#r age
di""eren!e ba! then' and that was when it had been less than twenty years.
>e made a "ew inarti!#late so#nds' lie he !o#ldn3t get his senten!e started' then pa#sed and
!olle!ted himsel". =&t is a bit o" a problem.=
=Ah.= 5hen was o#r "ood !oming? >ow "ast !o#ld & s!ar" it down and get o#t o" here?
=0o# see...= >e iss#ed a short' disbelieving la#gh. =0o#3re the same age as my da#ghter.=
Chapter 4o#r
=0o#r da#ghter?= & m#st have misheard him. & was s#re & had. Be!a#se i" his da#ghter was my age'
that meant... =0o# were married? 5hen yo# were with me?=
=8o' no' & wasn3t !heating on my wi"e or anything lie that'= he said 1#i!ly. =& wasn3t married at
the time. Emma is my !hild "rom a previo#s relationship. +y wi"e and & have only been married "or two
years.=
& let o#t a relieved breath. & wo#ld never want to help someone h#rt another person that way. Even
tho#gh it wo#ld have been "ar shittier on his part to have !ommitted the ad#ltery' & wo#ld have "elt
illogi!ally !#lpable "or #nwittingly helping him. & was relieved to now he(d been a "ree agent at the
time o" o#r tryst.
8ow there was $#st the problem o" the bombshell that had e-ploded between #s. 5e sat in silen!e
"or a bit' thining o#r private' horri"ied tho#ghts. So' 8eil was a "ather. 2" a woman my age. 2h no.
>e3d spanked me. That s#ddenly seemed more !reepy than hot. & downed the rest o" my water' and eyed
my !o""ee resent"#lly. & sho#ld have ordered wine. 2r hard li1#or.
&t was !lear that neither o" #s were !om"ortable with this new development. & didn(t bother to retra!t
my s#ggestion o" a !as#al "ling. &t seemed to be a given that it wo#ld $#st not wor o#t.
At least & was getting a promotion. And & bet' a"ter today' 8eil wo#ld avoid me lie the plag#e' so
there wo#ldn3t be any "#t#re awwardness between #s.
& tried to "ind a nat#ral path o#t o" the !onversation' and settled on' =So' do yo# have any other...
ids?=
=8o. &3d always planned to' b#t the timing was never right. And now' with one !hild who is an ad#lt'
& "eel as tho#gh those days are behind me.= >e leaned ba! in his !hair. =This is 1#ite a mess we3ve
"o#nd o#rselves in' isn(t it?=
& shr#gged.
=& do hope yo#3ll !onsider the position with the bea#ty department' in spite o" all this'= he added. &
had no reason to do#bt his sin!erity. & !o#ldn3t imagine what he wo#ld possibly gain "rom eeping me at
the maga6ine i" he didn3t want me there.
=& will.= &t was a great opport#nity' tho#gh & had never really imagined & wo#ld end #p woring in
the bea#ty department. &3d been stri!tly "o!#sed on !lothing. Still' it was better than $ob h#nting' and he
was right' it wo#ld be too weird to stay on as his assistant.
8eil and & made small tal as we waited "or o#r "ood. 5ith o#r past o#t in the open between #s' &
had e-pe!ted l#n!h to be interminable. A"ter all' & !o#ldn3t r#n o#t s!reaming i" & wanted that $ob' b#t
with o#r one%night%only a""air reindled "or "ive min#tes to die a pain"#lly embarrassing death' it was
almost asing too m#!h o" mysel" to sit there and eat with him.
To my s#rprise' & "o#nd mysel" rela-ing' en$oying mysel" even' as he told me abo#t his interest in
the maga6ine and some small !hanges he e-pe!ted in the "#t#re. >e ased me abo#t 80C' and why &
had "o!#sed on "ashion' and it seemed lie the ho#r we spent eating and !hatting passed slightly too "ast.
8eil pi!ed #p the !he!' =As yo#r boss'= he !lari"ied a"ter handing his bla! !redit !ard over to the
waitress. =8ot as a "ormer lover.=
& la#ghed. =0o# now' i" yo#3re going to be my boss' yo#3re going to have to stop bringing that #p.=
=&3ve tho#ght o" that' believe me.= >e smiled' and too a last sip o" !o""ee. =>en!e"orth' we won3t
mention it again.=
The !ar was waiting "or #s when we le"t the resta#rant. As we p#lled away' & ased' =So' this bea#ty
editor $ob. &" & did de!ide to tae it' when wo#ld it start?=
>e !onsidered a moment. =& might need yo# to train yo#r repla!ement' b#t & don3t see why yo#
!o#ldn3t start on the 4ebr#ary iss#e.=
& m#lled that over. Porteras wored on a ten wee s!hed#le. The 4ebr#ary iss#e wo#ld hit the
stands the "irst +onday in <an#ary' whi!h meant the !ontent !olle!tion pro!ess wo#ld begin in a wee.
=Tae as m#!h time as yo# need to de!ide'= he said' as i" he3d read my tho#ghts. =That3s only an
estimate.=
5e rode in silen!e "or a "ew blo!s. Then' apologeti!ally' he said' =&3m sorryH & promise this is the
last time &3ll bring it #p. B#t & have to now... did yo# ever try to !onta!t me d#ring those si- years? &(ll
admitH & didn3t try to "ind yo#. & didn3t now how yo# wo#ld rea!t. Every time & tho#ght & might loo yo#
#p' & reali6ed & didn3t have anywhere to start. &3m not "lattering mysel" by saying it' b#t &3m an easy man
to "ind. Espe!ially in yo#r b#siness' yo#3re bo#nd to have nown o" me./
This was one o" the bits & still !o#ldn3t get my head aro#nd. As !on"#sing as the rest o" the entire
sit#ation was' & !o#ldn3t !ome #p with a single reason that & had never made the !onne!tion between Bei"
at the airport and 8eil Elwood' p#blishing magnate.
Ca#tio#sly' & tho#ght o#t lo#d' =& s#ppose when yo# were "resh in my memory' & wasn3t paying
attention to who was who in the ind#stry. & was $#st trying to get thro#gh !ollege alive. And then when &
was a!t#ally woring...=
& had seen his pi!t#re !o#ntless times' and !lips o" interviews. B#t & hadn3t wored "or an Elwood G
Stern !ompany' so & hadn(t tro#bled mysel" too m#!h with what they3d been #p to. &3d been so "o!#sed
on learning how Porteras wored and trying to !arve o#t a pla!e "or mysel" there that & hadn3t had the
time or in!lination to loo past o#r walls.
=& noti!ed that yo# looed remarably lie Bei"' b#t there3s something di""erent abo#t yo# in person
than "rom pi!t#res.= 5itho#t thining' & m#sed' =+aybe yo# $#st loo di""erent when yo#3re looing at
me.=
*o yo# now what +ayba!hs really need? E$e!tor seats. Even i" the only option "or es!ape is to be
"l#ng into tra""i!.
5e p#lled #p beside the b#ilding' and my hand immediately went to the door handle. 8eil waved
me ahead. =& have another stop & need to mae' & won3t be !oming #p.=
& !an3t say & wasn3t grate"#l when & sh#t the door and went on witho#t him. The tho#ght that he
might be wat!hing me slowed my steps' and & "or!ed mysel" not to loo ba!' even when &(d entered the
lobby. & rode the elevator in a da6e. So' one o" the big mysteries o" my li"e had been more or less
wrapped #p. &(d "o#nd my se-y stranger again' and things weren(t going to wor o#t the way &(d
sometimes "antasi6ed they might. & was disappointed' b#t in a deta!hed sort o" way' lie when a "avorite
television show(s plot taes a t#rn & don(t lie. The world wasn(t going to !r#mble over this in!ident. &t
didn(t even "eel parti!#larly !ry%worthy.
& was ba! at my des "or abo#t two min#tes when A#dy !ame thro#gh the door' "rowning.
=5here3s 8eil?= he ased' peering past me at the open door to 8eil3s o""i!e.
=>e said he had to mae another stop on the way ba! "rom l#n!h.= & p#lled #p his s!hed#le and
!he!ed the time. &t was two%thirty%"ive. A meeting on !over design had been planned "or two%twenty.
A#dy stood beside me and leaned over my sho#lder. =5hat is going on with him?= he m#ttered to
himsel". To me' he said' =&" he were ,abriella' what wo#ld happen?=
=&t wo#ld end with someone $#mping o#t a window on "ire'= & snared be"ore & !o#ld stop mysel".
A#dy straightened. =5ell' that person is not going to be me. Co#ld yo# let 8eil now that & handled
the meeting' and &3ll "ill him in when & get ba! "rom Betsy <ohnson?=
=S#re.= & p#lled #p my !ompany email and typed the message.
A#dy was almost to the door when he stopped and t#rned. =& lie the way yo# did yo#r eyes today.=
& didn3t get a !han!e to say than yo# be"ore he was gone. & !h#!led to mysel". & a!t#ally lied
people lie A#dy. & view the whole =not nowing where yo# stand with them'= thing as a !hallenge.
8eil and & !rossed paths only brie"ly d#ring the rest o" the day' and & was than"#l "or that. The
sho! "rom my borderline poeti! !ar !on"ession hadn3t worn o"" yet. Sin!e he(d never mentioned his
#ns!hed#led stop' & ass#med 8eil had $#st blown o"" his a"ter%l#n!h meeting to be driven aro#nd the
blo! a "ew times so he !o#ld avoid riding in the elevator with me. Cn"ort#nately' that messed #p his
entire a"ternoon' and he mentioned sheepishly that we might be woring later than my #s#al si- o(!lo!.
As the day ti!ed on into the evening' & ept mysel" !alm and on tra! with the promise o" another hot
bath E sans se-#al "antasies abo#t my boss E and waited patiently "or him to tell me & !o#ld go home.
At aro#nd seven' he emerged "rom his o""i!e with A#dy and >ope 4oley' Porteras3s senior stylist.
=Sorry to have ept yo# so late' Sophie'= 8eil apologi6ed. =5e3re going to dinnerH will yo# be
available sho#ld we need yo#?=
=2" !o#rse.= & was dying to get home to tell >olli what had happened at l#n!h' b#t it looed lie it
was going to be a long night playing B#bble Spinner and waiting "or my boss to get ba! to the o""i!e
"rom a dinner meeting. +aybe 8eil wasn3t so di""erent "rom ,abriella' a"ter all' "rom a wor perspe!tive.
=0o# don3t have to stay here'= he added 1#i!ly. =& hope yo# didn3t thin & meant "or yo# to % =
=,abriella wo#ld have !hained her to the des'= >ope la#ghed. She had always !lashed with
,abriella' and was o"ten the only person at the maga6ine who dared to p#sh her !ontrary opinions. &3d
o"ten "o#nd ,abriella3s !alm rea!tions to >ope3s impassioned arg#ments wildly entertaining.
A#dy la#ghed with her' and 8eil did' as well' b#t & noted a distin!t "l#sh !reeping #p his ne!.
=0es' well' &3m hardly going to e-pe!t that o" yo#'= he m#mbled.
>ope and A#dy didn3t seem to noti!e his dis!om"ort' b#t did & ever. & wondered i" he had the same
mental image & was having re) !hains and dess.
& "or!ed mysel" to maintain eye !onta!t and said evenly' =5ell' have a good nightD= Then they were
E than"#lly % o#t the door. & waited "or them to enter the elevator' then $#mped #p and grabbed my !oat.
J J J J
5hen & got home' & wanted to la#n!h dire!tly into my bi6arre day' b#t >olli was in a state. A
totally #nderstandable' enraged state.
=Boo at thisD= she "#med' thr#sting her i9ad into my "a!e. =Can yo# "#!ing believe this?=
=2hhhh no.= & dropped my bag and shr#gged o#t o" my !oat as my eyes s!anned the maga6ine page
on the s!reen. A bea#ti"#l photo o" >olli % her long legs rising lie ,re!ian !ol#mns "rom a pair o" 0ves
St. Ba#rent boots' her hipbones $#tting "rom a simple pair o" bla! la!e panties' sinny arms !overing
her non%e-istent b#st % was s#perimposed with the words' =>ow Thin &s Too Thin?=
=& did that shoot last year. &(d $#st had that gastrointestinal thingD 2" !o#rse & looed ema!iated. This
is totally #n"air !riti!ismD= She handed the i9ad to me when my hands were "ree' and staled to the
it!hen.
& s!anned the arti!le' b#t it was the same ignoran!e as #s#al. +odels were too sinny. All o" them
were on the verge o" dying "rom eating disorders. 5hat ind o" e-ample were they setting' blah blah
blah. >olli wasn3t so "amo#s that she3d be!ome the target o" stand%#p !omi!s3 $oes yet' b#t & "eared that
time wasn3t too "ar o"".
Sin!e >olli and & have been "riends "or so long' &3ve learned' thro#gh trial and error' e-a!tly what
one sho#ld not say in this sit#ation. Trying to see the bright side in the !areer bene"its and the envy o"
other women was absol#tely #nwel!ome. S#ggesting she might be ignoring some deeply rooted eating
disorder she didn3t even now she had? Even worse. E-pressing my $ealo#sy o" her ability to eat a
!heeseb#rger the si6e o" her head and a!t#ally lose weight while doing it? That was the worst.
The best thing to say' really the only appropriate thing "or the sit#ation' was what & said ne-t) =This
is totally shitty.=
And it was' totally and !ompletely shitty. There was no reason "or anyone to be $#dging >olli(s
health based on her physi!al appearan!e alone. They had no idea i" she was anore-i! or not. They
weren(t her "reaing do!tors.
=Boo at the ind#stry as a whole' that3s "ine.= >olli had to raise her voi!e to be heard over the so#nd
o" the water r#nning into the empty metal tea ettle. =B#t don3t single me o#t. Be!a#se yo# now what
that says to my "#t#re employers? 3*on3t hire this model' or everyone will have a shit "it.3 &" they thin
&3m too sinny now' wait #ntil & have to !hoose between "ood and rent.=
& s!anned the arti!le. =At least they don3t mention yo# by name.=
=5hi!h wo#ld be a relie" i" my "a!e wasn3t on the title page.= She rolled her eyes. =Sorry. &3m $#st
"r#strated.=
& dropped the i9ad on the so"a and went to stand beside her. & p#t an arm aro#nd her sho#lder and
s1#ee6ed. =*o yo# "eel bad?=
=0es' & do'= >olli sni""ed in pitiable e-aggeration.
=*o yo# wanna get high and wat!h 1orbit?= & ased' p#lling her into a h#g and patting her ba! lie
& was b#rping a baby.
=0es' & do'= she mo!%sobbed into my sho#lder.
The ability to mae light o" o#r problems while sim#ltaneo#sly soothing o#r h#rt "eelings was one
o" the aspe!ts o" o#r "riendship & treas#red most.
5e settled on the !o#!h with tea and pop!orn % yo#3d be s#rprised how well those two go together %
and & p#t in the *@*. +y news abo#t 8eil !o#ld wait.
5e made it almost twenty min#tes into the movie be"ore >olli3s eyes grew wide and she e-!laimed'
=2h my godD & never ased how it went with the g#yD=
& shr#gged. =8othing to tell. That3s why & didn3t bring it #p./
=Soph. *o yo# really thin yo#3re doing me a servi!e by not telling me all the details? &3m in pain
hereH it3s yo#r d#ty as my "riend to !heer me #p thro#gh S!haden"re#de.=
=&t wasn3t that bad.= & !o#ldn3t believe how easy it was to admit it' b#t it was tr#e. =& tho#ght we
might... & don3t now. 3,et ba! together3 isn3t right' be!a#se we were never together. B#t we did tal
abo#t possibly hooing #p !as#ally.=
=,o yo#D= >olli lightly slapped my sho#lder.
=& thin we de!ided not to.= & tried to brea the news gently' b#t & !o#ld tell she was disappointed.
=T#rns o#t' he has a da#ghter my age.=
=So he was married?= >er "a!e s!r#n!hed #p in disg#st.
& shoo my head. =8o' he said she was his da#ghter "rom a previo#s relationship. >e3s only been
married "or two years' and get this' they3re getting a divor!e.=
=Then yo# sho#ld have been in thereD= She sighed. =&s that the reason yo#3re not going to...= >olli
slid her inde- "inger thro#gh a !ir!le "ormed by the "ingers o" her opposite hand.
& p#lled a throw pillow "rom behind my ba! and walloped her.
=*o yo# thin yo# wo#ld be !om"ortable with that? >aving se- with someone literally yo#ng
eno#gh to be yo#r id?= & s!olded.
>olli la#ghed and inter!epted the pillow' "l#""ing it and t#!ing it behind her. =0o#nger. 2n!e &3m
north o" "i"ty' &3m never dating anyone over twenty%one. And everything will be !oming #p >olli.=
A"ter o#r movie was "inished' and & had gone to my room to t#rn in' >olli3s response started getting
to me. +aybe she was right. 5hat was so wrong abo#t dating someone yo#nger than yo#? +y dad had
been yo#nger than my mom. 5ell' by lie two years. And & was looing "or positive e-amples' not
!o#ples who had gone down in spe!ta!#lar "lames. Still' & !o#ldn3t see any reason why & sho#ld be
grossed o#t by the age di""eren!e between 8eil and mysel".
8one o" that really mattered' tho#gh. 8eil wasn3t looing "or anything serio#s' and neither was &. &n
"a!t' &3d a!tively avoided romanti! entanglements sin!e my last year o" !ollege. There was no orgasm so
ama6ing' no s#rprise bo#1#et so sweet that it was worth rising my own dreams and identity. Besides' &
hardly had time "or >olli anymore' how wo#ld & wor a boy"riend into that s!hed#le?
& hadn3t even been home to visit my mom in a year. +y heart absol#tely dropped at the tho#ght o"
what she wo#ld thin abo#t all this. She had on!e told me she wo#ld pre"er to thin o" me as a virgin'
even i" & ended #p with three h#sbands and "o#rteen ids. 2" all the people that !o#ld have helped me
navigate this sit#ation with gra!e and !ommon sense' it wo#ld have been her. B#t there was no way she
wo#ld want to hear abo#t the time & "lew a!ross the !o#ntry' planned to "ly aro#nd the world' witho#t
her nowing abo#t it. And oh' by the way' & had se- with a stranger. &n her mind' & had gone straight to
80C' a"ter some minor tro#ble with a missed !onne!tion.
Boy4 what a missed connection. & "lopped over in bed' and t#rned my pillow to the !ool side. 5o#ld
sleeping even be an option tonight?
2#t o" habit' my i9hone lay on my bedside table' within arm3s rea!h. As ,abriella3s assistant' it
hadn3t been o#t o" the realm o" possibility to be woen in the middle o" the night "or a !risis with a "light
or a s#dden reali6ation that we were abo#t to r#n the same pair o" shoes a se!ond time. 4rom what &3d
already gathered' 8eil was going to be a di""erent type o" boss.
2r at least' that3s what & was thining right be"ore my eyes slid !losed' abo#t two se!onds be"ore my
phone vibrated. +y bedside table resonated the b#66 lie a snare dr#m' and & sat #p a#tomati!ally'
trained well by two years in servit#de.
&t was 8eil3s wor n#mber. & glan!ed at the time. Ten "orty%"ive? 5hy was he still at wor at ten
"orty%"ive' when no one else was?
=>ello?= & sti"led a yawn as & answered.
=>ello' Sophie. & hope & didn3t wae yo#.= &t dist#rbed me $#st how m#!h o" an e""e!t his voi!e had
on me. &t was lie whisey' deep and !om"orting' warming my limbs and di66ying my head.
& was so into-i!ated by him' it too me a se!ond to stammer o#t' =8% no. &' #h. & was #p.=
=,ood.= & heard a noise over the line' an inhale interr#pted by a !at!h' as tho#gh he3d stopped
breathing mid%tho#ght. Then he said' so"tly' =This wo#ld be m#!h simpler i" we !o#ld meet in person.=
=2h.= & looed down at my lap. +y "a!e was s!r#bbed "ree o" mae#p. +y hair was in a messy
topnot' and & was wearing my "lannel pa$amas with the !artoon !o""ee !#ps all over them.
&" ,abriella had s#mmoned me' she wo#ldn3t have given me more than' =Come' & need yo#.= &
wo#ld be l#!y to get a lo!ation o#t o" her' be!a#se she e-pe!ted me to eep tra! o" her s!hed#le both
in and o#t o" the o""i!e. At least & new where 8eil was !alling "rom.
=Boo' it3s going to tae me a min#te to get down there %=
=8o' no' this isn3t wor related.= >e was 1#i! to say it' and then a silen!e "ollowed in whi!h &
swore & !o#ld hear both o" o#r hearts beating lie big' nervo#s b#tter"ly wings. >e !leared his throat.
=5o#ld yo# be terribly p#t o#t i" &... stopped by yo#r pla!e?=
&" anyone had ever needed a movie montage' it was me' at that moment. & !o#ld leap o#t o" bed'
dress mysel" with !omi!al "ranti!ness' and when & answered the door & wo#ld loo lie Barbie. =2h' this
old thing?= & wo#ld say' spinning in my 1NL03s ,iven!hy inspired dress. =& $#st threw it on.=
>e !o#ld probably mae it to my apartment in twenty min#tes. & wo#ld barely have time to br#sh
my teeth and !lear #p the dirty dishes and empty *iet Coe !ans "rom the !o""ee table.
.That wo#ld be "ine'= & said' weirdly !hipper. & was s#re he !o#ld hear my "ae smile thro#gh the
phone.
=&3ll need yo#r address' "or the driver'= he said apologeti!ally.
=0o# !an3t stal me o"" the !ompany database?= & teased.
&t "ell "lat when he t#rned s#ddenly serio#s. =& wo#ld really rather not. That isn(t how & !ond#!t my
b#siness or personal li"e.=
& bl#rted o#t o#r address' already on my "eet and headed to the !loset. =<#st don3t drive too "ast. &
need to tidy #p.=
=This isn3t a state visit'= he ass#red me. =&3ll see yo# soon.=
& ended the !all and held my phone to my !hest "or a "ra!tion o" a se!ond be"ore tossing it on my
bed and ri"ling thro#gh my !lothes. 8othing "an!y' $#st a bla! !ashmere v%ne! sweater and a pair o"
!om"y $eans. Then & ran to the bathroom and set a land speed re!ord "or teeth br#shing. & was $#st
!learing the living room o" some o" >olli3s re!reational paraphernalia % he was my employer' a"ter all %
when the door b#66ed.
=0es?= & ased over the inter!om.
=&t3s 8eil.= & b#66ed him #p then !ra!ed the door. 5e3re a "o#rth "loor wal#p' and the stairs wo#nd
down a long !entral sha"t to the small lobby. The !li! o" the o#tside lat!h e!hoed #p the stairs' and my
mo#th went dry.
& heard "ootsteps. & heard his "ootsteps' headed to my apartment. 5hy was & so eyed #p by that? &
pressed a hand to the bare e-panse o" sin above the ne!line o" my sweater' and "elt the "l#tter o" my
p#lse there. & pressed my thighs together' then stopped the instant & reali6ed what & was doing.
5hat the hell was wrong with me? & had no idea why he was !oming over. 4or all & new' he was
!oming to tell me he "elt really bad abo#t "iring me' b#t he had to be!a#se he was so !reeped o#t to be
aro#nd me.
Then & opened the door' and he was standing there' and & had no "#rther do#bts. >e had !ome
be!a#se he wanted me' lie & wanted him. & !o#ld see it in his eyes the moment o#r ga6es met.
>e was slightly o#t o" breath' and !ra!ed some $oe abo#t a higher "loor being #navailable when
we moved in' b#t & !o#ldn3t pro!ess any o" it over the so#nd o" the blood r#shing to my brain.
8eil was here' on the threshold o" my apartment' looing apologeti! and waiting "or me to say
something. All my words !ompletely deserted me.
=Cm... !ome in.= & stepped ba!' and !losed the door behind him.
=&3m sorry to !ome by so late' b#t & new & wo#ldn3t be able to sleep witho#t speaing to yo#.=
So' we were getting straight to the heart o" the matter' then. & had anti!ipated some #n!om"ortable
small tal' d#ring whi!h & !o#ld try to "eel o#t what he3d !ome to say. 8ow & didn3t now what to do' or
where to p#t my hands. & !#rled my "ingers into the sleeves o" my sweater.
=At l#n!h today' & may have given yo# the impression % =
=That we didn3t have a !han!e in hell o" anything happening between #s?= & s#pplied "or him. &
tho#ght it might mae him la#gh. &t didn3t.
=& m#st admit' the age di""eren!e between #s does mae me #n!om"ortable. &t made me
#n!om"ortable ba! then' as well. &(m not the ind o" man who needs to date yo#nger women to be
happy. &t(s not a stat#s symbol "or me. And &3m not the ind o" person who pi!s #p strangers in airports'
either.=
=8either am &'= & said' maybe a little de"ensively.
>is "a!e "ell' and he too a slow step toward me. =& wo#ldn3t !are i" yo# were. 5hat &3m trying to
say is' this is !ompletely new to me. & spent that night with yo# si- years ago be!a#se & gen#inely lied
yo#' Sophie. 0o# were so !#te and dire!t and a bit odd. And we did have an aw"#lly good time
together.= >e smiled tentatively. =&t does tro#ble me that yo#3re the same age as my da#ghter. B#t yo#3re
not my da#ghter. And that night was... it was one o" the best nights o" my li"e.=
& was abo#t to respond with something pithy' b#t he !losed the small gap between #s and p#lled me
into his arms. +y "eet tangled with his' b#t he somehow ept #s #pright. 2#r ga6es lo!ed "or a "ra!tion
o" a se!ond' and my mo#th opened with a s#rprised gasp $#st as his lips met mine.
Chapter 4ive
8eil Elwood was issing me' and it was every bit as good as my highly detailed memories. >is so"t
lips !oa-ed mine apart. >is tong#e swept in and darted along the edges o" my teeth. >e held me with a
splayed hand at my lower ba!' an arm aro#nd my sho#lders. 9#lled #p tight to his !hest' & gripped the
lapels o" his bla! wool !oat and held on. There was little else & !o#ld do. &t was lie the man e-#ded
some ind o" pheromone that made my !entral nervo#s system go o""line. Standing witho#t wobbling
was not an option. &t didn3t help that it had been so long sin!e the last time &3d been issed' &3d almost
"orgotten how to do it properly. & tore o#r mo#ths apart and' with a noisy g#lp o" air' inhaled the s!ent o"
him' the "aint tra!e o" his !ologne and the wooden !as ghost o" whisey.
And that was my !l#e. =>ave yo# been drining?=
=O#ite a lot'= he admitted sheepishly. =2therwise & wo#ldn3t have had the !o#rage to !ome over
here.=
=And when the hangover hits yo#' yo#3ll probably regret that yo# had the !o#rage.= & pressed my
palms to his !hest and p#shed ba! a step. =As romanti! and lie%the%movies as yo# may have imagined
this whole s!enario' yo#3ve $ered me aro#nd so m#!h in the last twenty%"o#r ho#rs that & don3t even
now how to respond.=
Apparently' dr#nen honesty was !ontagio#s. And than god "or that' be!a#se & !o#ld have easily
been swept along in what he wanted' witho#t a single tho#ght to the !onse1#en!es. That made 8eil a
very dangero#s man "or me to be aro#nd.
>e looed !rest"allen. =0o#3re right. & sho#ldn3t have... & $#st wasn3t s#re how we3d le"t it. And &
wo#ld lie' very m#!h' to see i" there3s anything between #s.=
=& thin it3s pretty obvio#s that there is.= There was no point in denying that anymore. =B#t &(m not
s#re it(s going to wor./
=&t isn3t that &3m looing "or a serio#s relationship'= he !ontin#ed' wat!hing me warily. & wondered i"
he tho#ght he(d h#rt my "eelings by not holding onto some tort#red' #nre1#ited love "or me.
& had to p#t that notion to bed' right away. Christ' had & $#st tho#ght abo#t bed? 8o' serio#s
relationships' that(s what we were dis!#ssing. 'eep it together4 )caife. You can8t be stupid about this.
=&(m not in the maret "or anything serio#s' either. At least not right now. 8ot "or a while.= &t wasn3t
a ployH having a boy"riend was "airly low on my list o" priorities. =& $#st got a li"e o" my own two years
ago' when & grad#ated !ollege. &3m not ready to share it with anyone else.=
>e smiled with... was that admiration? & didn3t thin &3d said anything all that admirable' $#st honest.
=That so#nds "air. B#t earlier today yo# s#ggested we might see ea!h other !as#ally.= >ow did he
manage to so#nd so reasonable and smart while being stining dr#n? &t probably had a lot to do with
the a!!ent. >e !o#ld have !ome in here and said he was t#rning Porteras into a !ar maga6ine' and &
wo#ld have praised his vision' be!a#se he so#nded so !#lt#red and posh.
,od' & !o#ld be so stereotypi!ally Ameri!an sometimes.
& shr#gged. =That was be"ore & really tho#ght abo#t the $ob yo# o""ered me. & wo#ld love to tae the
position' b#t the last thing & need is to have people saying & got a promotion be!a#se & slept with the
boss.=
=That wo#ld be a problem' i" we were indis!reet. *o yo# plan on broad!asting all o" o#r se-#al
a!tivities to the entire o""i!e?= >e raised an eyebrow.
=8o' o" !o#rse not.= & tried to thin o" a time &3d ever... 5h4 fine. #$m caught. =& do o!!asionally
dis!#ss private matters with one o" my wor "riends.=
=So do &' whi!h is e-a!tly why &3m here.= >e motioned to the !o#!h. =*o yo# mind i" we %=
=2h' yeah' sorry.= & !overed my eyes with one hand' b#t it didn3t do m#!h to hide my
embarrassment. =&3m sorry' & don3t entertain m#!h.=
=2n the !ontrary' yo# entertain me immensely.= >e sat on the !o#!h and "rowned as he pi!ed #p
the hemostat >olli #sed as a roa!h !lip. The b#rned down end o" a healthy si6ed $oint was still !lamped
tightly in the pin!hers. & grabbed it "rom his hand and in my pani!' tossed it over my sho#lder to !latter
on the it!henette "loor.
=&t3s my roommate3s'= & e-plained 1#i!ly. =& wo#ld never %=
=*on3t be so $#mpy' &3m not here to in"orm on yo#.= >e patted the so"a beside him' b#t & didn3t sit
there. & sat on the arm o" the easy !hair' well o#t o" the "ield o" his se-#al magnetism.
5ho was & idding? >e !o#ld be in 4inland right now' and my girl parts wo#ld still be all a!hey at
the tho#ght o" him. <#st the "a!t that he(d said .our se-#al a!tivities/ had sent my p#lse d#e so#th.
=Sorry' & tho#ght & might have sho!ed yo#.= 5hy had & said that? +aybe e-plaining "#rther wo#ld
mae things better. =0o# now' di""erent generation and all.=
E-plaining "#rther never made awwardness better. & sho#ld have nown that by now.
=0es' terribly sho!ing'= he mo!ingly agreed. =Sin!e yo#th and re!reational dr#g #se were
invented only "ive years ago' &3ve obvio#sly never been e-posed to either.=
+y "a!e "lamed with embarrassment. =*id yo# !ome over here $#st to tease me?=
>is e-pression so"tened into one o" remorse at h#rting my "eelings. =& thin it3s 1#ite obvio#s that &
!ame over here be!a#se &3m still attra!ted to yo#. &3ve tho#ght o" yo# every day. & may have said that
be"ore' b#t it bears repeating. &" & hadn3t stolen yo#r plane ti!et % and let me e-press again how very
sorry & am abo#t that' in hindsight % =
=4orgiven'= & interr#pted him. The s#dden shi"t in his mood seemed to have less to do with al!ohol
than with me' and & was "lattered and slightly overwhelmed. B#t something he3d said be"ore wriggled in
my brain. =0o# said yo# taled to a wor !olleag#e' and that3s why yo#3re here?=
=A#dy'= he admitted. =&3m sorry' & now he wors with yo#' b#t he3s been my best "riend "or years. &
s#ppose it does !hange the dynami!' now that he3s woring "or my !ompany... b#t & needed to spea to
someone. >e(s the only person in my li"e who nows abo#t yo#' how we met. And he3s the only person
in 8ew 0or & tr#st in personal matters. There was a bit o" a !#stody battle' and & lost most o" my "riends
here.=
& "rowned. =& tho#ght yo#r da#ghter was twenty%"o#r.=
=C#stody o" the "riends.= >e smiled sadly. =A!1#aintan!es' really. & spend a lot o" my time woring.
Eli6abeth made most o" o#r !onne!tions here thro#gh her !harity wor.=
=Ah.= & really' really didn3t want to tal abo#t his divor!e' almost as m#!h as & didn3t want to thin
abo#t him being lonely in the !ity. & remembered the two wees at 80C be"ore ho#sing had dropped
>olli into my lap' how aw"#l and empty they had seemed. & didn3t need to sympathi6e with 8eil in that
way' be!a#se it was $#st another e-!#se to get involved with him "or a wrong reason. &" we were going
to do this' we were going to do it right.
& too a breath and !are"#lly !onsidered my response. =& don3t now how & "eel abo#t yo# telling...
whatever it is yo# told to A#dy. & have to wor with him' too. B#t i" yo# tr#st him to eep yo#r se!ret' &
!an. 0o# have more to lose in this sit#ation than & do' & thin.=
8eil shoo his head. =This is all going m#!h di""erently than & e-pe!ted.=
=0o# e-pe!ted yo#3d show #p and we3d "#!?= The word sent a $olt o" tension thro#gh me.
=Can yo# blame me "or trying?= >e gave me that hal"%smile that melted my bones. =& sho#ld go.
This was an inappropriate visit.=
& wat!hed him as he stood and strode toward the door' and my !hest tightened. 2ay' so he3d let
Eye%Aolling A#dy in on o#r dirty little se!ret "rom si- years ago. &3d told >olli' hadn3t &? And she
o!!asionally wored "or the maga6ine. &t might not have been the same level on the indis!retion s!ale'
b#t i" he was "eeling even a "ra!tion o" the emotional !on"#sion & was s#""ering "rom' no wonder he(d
needed a sympatheti! ear.
9l#s' he wasn3t looing "or a serio#s relationship. & loved se-' and "inding someone & wanted to have
it with' someone who was a!t#ally good at it and who didn3t want to involve me in their "ive%year plan'
was abs#rdly di""i!#lt in a !ity o" eight million people. Espe!ially when yo# were holding every
available man to the impossible standard o" being as ama6ing as 8eil Elwood.
And here he was' the g#y who set the bar "or my se-#al e-pe!tations. And he wanted e-a!tly what &
wanted.
.5ait'/ & said.
>e stopped' his "orehead !reased with !on"#sion.
=&" yo#3re down "or a little e-tra!#rri!#lar "#n' and this isn3t some ind o" weird male se-#al
s!avenger h#nt wherein yo# need to "#! yo#r se!retary to s!ore points...= +y voi!e trailed o"". & had
gotten o"" tra! somewhere. & inhaled thro#gh my nose and straightened my spine. =Then "ine. Bet3s $#st
see ea!h other !as#ally.=
=5hen yo# say 3see ea!h other3...= he began !a#tio#sly.
=& mean have se-. &n a "riendly' no%strings ind o" way.= &t never !rossed my mind to be worried
abo#t whether or not he3d thin it was .sl#tty/ o" me to want s#!h an arrangement. &t was strange' b#t &
"elt lie & !o#ld tr#st him to be honest with me and not $#dge me a!!ording to some b#llshit misogynisti!
do#ble standard. +aybe having the ind o" se- yo# have with a person yo# thin yo#3re never going to
see again is the way all relationships sho#ld start.
=And nothing is going to happen tonight'= & stated "irmly. &t too a lot o" sel"%!ontrol not to whimper
d#ring that senten!e. &3d spent so many years "antasi6ing abo#t him and only him' and now he was
standing right ne-t to me' totally willing to do all the nasty things &3d dreamed o". B#t & had a stri!t =no
se- with dr#n people= poli!y.
A slow smile tilted his lips' and the na#ghtiness promised in the e-pression was eno#gh to mae
goose b#mps stand o#t on my sin. =O#ite right. 5e3ve waited si- years' there sho#ld be nothing to
another... twenty%"o#r ho#rs?=
=Twenty%"o#r ho#rs?= & e!hoed' my heart lodging "irmly in my throat. & !rossed my arms over my
!hest' a!#tely aware o" my hard nipples !ha"ing against my sweater.
.Twenty%two?/ >e stepped toward me' his lips still twisted in a wry grin' and looed down his
straight' !lassi!ally handsome nose at me. >e didn3t to#!h me' b#t he stood so !lose his !oat br#shed my
sleeves. A thr#mming' p#rely se-#al energy throbbed between #s. &" he3d opened his arms' i" he3d made
any move to embra!e me' & wo#ld have "allen against him gladly' dr#n r#le or not. B#t he didn3t. >e
$#st ga6ed down at me tho#ght"#lly' his eyes moving over my "eat#res as tho#gh he were de!iphering an
intri!ate !ode. =& thin si- years o" wanting yo# is long eno#gh' Sophie.=
)ix years of wanting you. >e3d wanted me' $#st lie &3d wanted him. Aelie" and tension at the same
time mae "or a strange sensation. & !o#ld thin o" lots o" good reasons not to let him p#sh me #p against
the wall and "#! me with all my !lothes on' and none o" them seemed good eno#gh.
+y tong#e darted o#t to wet my lips' and & glan!ed #p. &t was easier to mae eye !onta!t when &
!o#ld be sar!asti! and g#arded. =5ell' now that all that3s o#t o" the way... & wo#ld o""er yo# a drin' b#t
& thin yo#3ve had eno#gh.=
=8o' & have a !ar waiting.= >e leaned down' his lips a "ra!tion o" a millimeter "rom mine. =&3ll see
yo# tomorrow' with "#rther instr#!tions.=
>e issed me' "ar too brie"ly' and le"t.
& stood by the door "or a long time' wondering what e-a!tly had $#st happened. At the moment' it
seemed lie & was getting what &3d hoped "or' a"ter si- long years o" not hoping very m#!h. At the same
time' &3d $#st agreed to have se- with my boss' again. >olli3s bedroom door opened a !ra!. =&s it sa"e to
!ome o#t?=
=& have no idea.= & waled on n#mb legs to the !o#!h and dropped onto it. & p#t a !o#ple "ingertips
to my bottom lip and smoothed over it slowly. & !o#ld still "eel him there' a relentless tingle that e!hoed
all the way down to my very wet panties.
=& peeed. *on(t be mad./ She padded into the living room. .&n person' he $#st loos lie a normal...
person.= She shr#gged.
=2ay' !learly yo#3ve taen yo#r !onta!ts o#t' be!a#se he3s gorgeo#s.= 5e never' ever agreed on
men' mostly be!a#se when >olli was into g#ys' they looed lie they3d $#st r#n away "rom their *isney
Channel !ontra!ts.
=0eah' & g#ess. &" yo#3re into the daddy thing.= She shr#gged.
&t taes di""erent stroes' & g#ess. =>e !o#ld have been horri"i!ally s!arred in a !hemi!al "ire' and it
wo#ldn3t matter. >e $#st... does something to me.=
=0eah' na#ghty' spany things.= >olli3s eyes glittered with las!ivio#s enth#siasm. =5hat do yo#
thin he3s going to do to yo# this time?=
=&" & stopped and tho#ght abo#t it' & wo#ldn3t be able to sleep tonight.= & probably still wo#ldn3t.
>ow was & going to get thro#gh the night and the ne-t day nowing that & was abo#t to repeat the most
"antasti! se- o" my li"e?
,od' & hoped & had a "resh set o" batteries.
J J J J
+y eyes popped open be"ore the alarm went o"". &3d never been so e-!ited to get to wor in my
entire li"e. 8ot even on my "irst day. 8ot even when +adonna !ame in to have l#n!h with ,abriella last
year.
& wondered i" 8eil wo#ld appre!iate the magnit#de o" rating higher than +adonna' and !overed my
"a!e with my pillow' s1#ealing. & new had to get mysel" #nder !ontrol. &" & spent all day swooning over
the "a!t that 8eil and & were going to hoo #p' & wo#ldn3t bring my A%game to wor. & wasn(t abo#t to
drop the ball within days o" a h#ge' s#rprise tae over by new employers.
+y morning !omm#te was boring' the way it was always boring. & got to wor and was at my des'
periodi!ally !he!ing the time' trying to !ontrol my hormones' whi!h were in "#ll%on rage mode be"ore
8eil even arrived.
>e got to the o""i!e at eight%thirty' and greeted me !as#ally as he handed over his !oat. Strangely'
nowing that we were going to have se- soon removed a lot o" the awwardness between #s' and we
were able to "#n!tion lie two normal h#man beings. Two normal' in!redibly horny h#man beings. & "elt
!on"ident that & !o#ld spea "or both o" #s on that matter' be!a#se his hand br#shed the small o" my ba!
as & moved to hang #p his !oat' and & !a#ght his eyes lingering on my ba!side when & t#rned.
=0o# !an3t do that'= & reminded him. =5e3ll get "o#nd o#t. Also' it3s in the employee handboo'
#nder 3se-#al harassment poli!y.3 The words 36ero toleran!e3 are mentioned.=
=9oint taen'= he said dryly. =& have si- people !oming in this morning to throw shoes and s!ream at
me./
=Co""ee and water "or si-. 8o problem.= 2" !o#rse' & already new abo#t the shoe meeting' b#t he
didn3t need to now that. Be"ore & too over the bea#ty editor $ob' & wanted to mae mysel" loo
indispensable' able to !on$#re things at the drop o" a hat. & "o#nd it never h#rt to leave on a high note' as
eviden!ed by my !ollege trans!ripts. .*o yo# need me to sit in and tae notes?/
=0es' please do. 2h' and be"ore & "orget...= 8eil set his bla! leather messenger bag on my des and
li"ted the "lap. >e p#lled o#t an i9ad in a slee bla! !over and handed it over to me. =Start with the
notes app. There are instr#!tions. And yo#3ll need this.=
+y eyes widened as he p#lled a slender !ard "ree "rom his wallet. >e held it between two "ingers'
o""ering it to me. =The name o" the hotel and the room n#mber are listed in the do!#ment. Cnless this
evening is in!onvenient "or yo#?=
& now "or a "a!t he saw my hand shaing when & too the ey !ard "rom him. The !orner o" his
mo#th twit!hed. >e !o#ld tell & was dying "or him. <#dging by his r#thless e""i!ien!y in setting #p o#r
=date'= & had to s#rmise he was as desperate "or me as & was "or him.
T#rning the !ard over in my hand' & glan!ed at it with "eigned disinterest be"ore slowly p#shing it
into the #nb#ttoned top o" my bla! sil shirt. & new he !o#ld see the slightly darer o#tline o" my
bla! la!e bra beneath' and & too my time slipping the "limsy ey into the !#p o" my bra.
>e !h#!led and shoo his head.
2nly when the door to his o""i!e had !li!ed sa"ely !losed behind him did & dare to li"t the !over on
the tablet and press the power b#tton. & saw the notes app on the home s!reen and & opened it' my ga6e
"li!ering nervo#sly to his door. The te-t o" the instr#!tions do!#ment was a simple' addressed to me)
)ophie
This key belongs to the + hotel on &exington Ave. (eet me in the 9+ow9 suite.
1eil
The =5ow= s#ite? & resisted the temptation to ,oogle and threw mysel" into wor. & had hoped his
instr#!tions wo#ld have been a bit more e-pli!it. Some !l#e as to what ind o" night he was e-pe!ting'
what he wanted to do to me... anything. The "a!t that he denied me even that small pleas#re maddened
and distra!ted me. That was probably the point. +aybe he was #nder the impression that & was still a
naive !ollege st#dent' b#t & was s#re & !o#ld "ind some way to torment him in ret#rn.
A wi!ed idea sprang to my mind' aided by the memory o" his voi!e in my ear' my hands g#iding
his. There had been a mirror in o#r hotel room si- years ago' and &3d sat on his lap at the edge o" the bed'
both o" #s wat!hing as & p#shed his "ingers in tight !ir!les over my !litoris. +y "a!e grew hot as &
remembered the sight o" his !o! stret!hing me' the so#nd o" my sli! "lesh moving #nder his hands as &
gasped and wriggled on him.
:&ook at how beautiful you are4; he had whispered against my $aw' his ga6e meeting mine in the
mirror. :1ever be timid about your own pleasure. 7on8t be ashamed to come.;
That image o" my own passion' and the h#ngry way he3d wat!hed me #sing his "ingers to get mysel"
o""' were seared into my mind.
0eah' & !o#ld de"initely do something with that.
The worday passed at s#!h a sl#ggish pa!e' & tho#ght "or s#re that time had slowed down
spe!i"i!ally to !o! blo! me. & sat thro#gh the shoe meeting' where no one a!t#ally threw any shoes at
8eil' tho#gh A#dy looed lie he was getting !lose when they !lashed over a +anolo. A#dy loved the
sta!ed heel and red%and%bla! !olor s!heme. 5hen 8eil said it looed lie a !lown shoe' it seemed lie
some serio#s "eal !ousewives throw down shit was abo#t to start. B#t in the end' 8eil made a point
regarding the resemblan!e to a pie!e "rom the previo#s season' and A#dy had to !on!ede. & thin A#dy
was as s#rprised as & was at 8eil3s "amiliarity with "ashion. Tho#gh his !ompany owned a men3s "ashion
maga6ine' as well' & hadn3t reali6ed how hands%on his involvement m#st have been' "or him to "ill
,abriella3s role at Porteras.
&t was strangely easy to sit thro#gh the meeting witho#t having se-y tho#ghts. 5ell' witho#t too
many. & was ro#tinely distra!ted by the sight o" 8eil3s big hands on the deli!ate' "eminine shoes' t#rning
them this way and that. & tho#ght o" him sliding s#!h an item o"" my "oot' his hand simming #p my
!al"' #nder my sirt % b#t & !ared more abo#t the maga6ine than my libido' so & ept that ind o"
daydreaming to a minim#m.
8eil at wor was an entirely di""erent !reat#re than &(d e-pe!ted. >e had a good eye "or design' b#t
an even better talent "or listening as the "ashion team presented ea!h pie!e and e-plained why they
tho#ght it sho#ld mae the iss#e. >e ased 1#estions' o!!asionally di!tated a note to me' and by the time
the meeting was over & reali6ed & didn3t have that 1#easy' on edge "eeling in my stoma!h & #sed to get
when sitting in on these things with ,abriella. 5oring "or her was s#pposed to have been a learning
e-perien!e' b#t it was di""i!#lt to learn "rom someone when yo# were !onstantly monitoring yo#r
behavior and s!hooling a blan "a!ial e-pression be!a#se yo# were terri"ied o" saying or doing
something #n"avorable.
A"ter the meeting' while 8eil was away at l#n!h' & sent a 1#i! te-t to >olli) )eeing 1eil after work.
+ill be late. 7on$t worry.
She replied lightning%"ast) Awwwwwww yeah. Get you some2
5hile & was typing a snary reply' another te-t popped #p' this one "rom <ae) Going out with some
of A$s friends tonight. )ingle guys4 interested,
2h' <ae. 5e3d broen o""i!e se-#al harassment poli!ies time and again by bo#n!ing romanti! ideas
o"" ea!h other. 5hen he wanted to now whi!h vibrator his girl"riend' Amanda' wo#ld lie best' he3d
!ome to me. 5hen & !o#ldn3t "ig#re o#t why my e-%somewhat%steady%se-%partner !o#ldn3t get o"" with
me on top' <ae had drawn me all sorts o" diagrams on the ba!s o" dis!arded photo proo"s. Sometimes
it was awesome having a platoni! straight g#y "riend. 2ther times' lie now' when he was !onsidering
asing his girl"riend to move in with him' he !o#ld pro$e!t lie' well' a pro$e!tor. Ever sin!e he3d gotten
serio#s abo#t Amanda' he3d wanted to "i- me #p with +r. Aight. & was !ertain he3d already planned o#r
do#ble dates' with $#st an empty gray =insert Sophie3s h#sband= spa!e where my "#t#re spo#se !o#ld be
slotted in. & sighed and dialed his n#mber.
=<ae.= >e always answered that way' even tho#gh &3d pointed o#t how do#!hey it so#nded.
=>ey' &3m o#t "or tonight. &3m meeting a g#y "or se- in a hotel room.= & added the last bit in the
hopes he wo#ld tae the hint that & wasn(t looing "or a 9rin!e Charming right now.
=And "or that yo#3d pass #p meeting the g#y who !o#ld be the g#y o" yo#r dreams?= >e e-haled
into the phone speaer in "r#stration. =Are yo# s#re yo#3re not interested? 2ne o" them is a 7ennedy.=
=2h yeah' be!a#se that3s a real in!entive./ & snorted. .&3ve always wanted to die #nder mysterio#s
!ir!#mstan!es in my thirties.=
=&t so#nds lie yo#3re trying to do die #nder mysterio#s !ir!#mstan!es in yo#r twenties'= <ae
s!olded. =This g#y... he3s not a stranger' right? 0o#3re not abo#t to be m#rdered in a hotel room?=
=8o' it3s someone & tr#st.= Beave it to <ae to t#rn my love li"e into an episode o" 7exter. 8ot that &
didn3t appre!iate his !on!ern. & $#st wished that when people were !on!erned "or me' they gave me !redit
"or having a "#n!tioning brain.
=5ell' have "#n.= The resignation in his voi!e made it !lear that he wo#ld be looing "or my "a!e on
the news.
=0o# too. And i" yo# hear o" a grisly m#rder at the 5' "eel "ree to tell my m#tilated body' 3& told
yo# so.3=
A"ter we h#ng #p' & made a mental list o" what & had to a!!omplish between the time & got o#t o"
wor and the time & was s#pposed to be showing #p at the hotel. & te-ted >olli and ased her to bring by
my new bla! dress with the pl#nging v%ne!line and imono sleeves. The thing barely !overed my ass'
it was so short' b#t sin!e !overing my ass wasn3t the point' & didn3t worry too m#!h.
At si- o3!lo!' & no!ed on the door to 8eil3s o""i!e. =&t3s Sophie.=
=Come in'= he !alled' and & was relieved to "ind him alone inside.
=&s there anything else yo# needed me "or?=
>e smiled' b#t he looed tired' and & got the horrible "eeling that didn3t bode well "or o#r evening.
>is sleeves were rolled ba!' his elbows leaning on glossy photographs spread o#t over his des. >e
!he!ed his wat!h distra!tedly. & was almost a"raid he wo#ld !an!el' b#t when he looed #p' his ga6e
!a#ght mine with heated intensity. =8o' &3m s#re & !an get by' i" yo# have somewhere... interesting to
be?=
=& do.= & !leared my throat. =And do yo# have somewhere interesting to be?=
.2h' & thin &(ll "ind some way to entertain mysel"./ A slow grin spread a!ross his "a!e.
& smiled and t#rned "or the door' stopping to add' =Then & g#ess &3ll see yo# in the morning.=
=& very m#!h hope so.= The prospe!t seemed to energi6e him' at least' even i" he dropped the
pretense o" o#r verbal game. =,o on. & sho#ld be there by eight.=
& pa#sed' the tip o" my tong#e pressed against my "ront teeth as & !onsidered saying anything else.
B#t it was better $#st to leave it. & too the garment bag >olli had dropped o""' p#lled on my !oat' and
headed to the 5.
Chapter Si-
The 5 was a !lassi! 8ew 0or b#ilding with bas%relie" elephant "a!es de!orating the "a!ade above
a modern glass awning. & reali6ed' as & stepped thro#gh the door' that it might loo a bit s#spi!io#s
heading into a hotel with $#st a garment bag and my p#rse. 0uck it' & tho#ght' "eeling giddy and na#ghty
as & strode thro#gh the lobby. #$m not here for an extended stay4 #$m here for ama-ing sex.
& re"rained "rom maing s#!h a pro!lamation at the "ront des' b#t only $#st barely. & stopped a
bellman "or dire!tions' b#t & de!lined his o""er to show me to the room. & rode the elevator #p and'
rea!hing the door' #sed my ey and stepped into the =5ow= s#ite.
&t was easily larger than my apartment. & wandered thro#gh the living room' where long !o#!hes
"ramed the "loor. A h#ge installation o" a!ryli! panels' ea!h with an image o" glowing golden sy and
abstra!t bla! tree bran!hes' !overed the s#btly grayed white wall perpendi!#lar to the "loor%to%!eiling
window that provided an asto#nding view o" neighboring sy s!rapers. & dropped my garment bag and
looed #p to the se!ond "loor lo"t' where & pres#med the bedroom was.
=5ow.=
& wasn(t in the room "or two "#ll min#tes be"ore there was a polite no! at the door. & opened it to
"ind a #ni"ormed waiter with a silver b#!et and a bottle o" !hampagne.
=5hat3s this?= & stepped aside and let him enter the room. >e too the !hampagne to the wet bar.
The bottle he set on the marble !o#ntertop had a long ne! o" green glass' and matte silver "oil over the
!or. & glan!ed at the label. 'rug 3los du (esnil. <==>.
The waiter smiled as he #nwrapped the "oil. =+r. Elwood re1#ested that it be sent #p #pon yo#r
arrival.=
>e(d had someone on loo o#t "or me? Sneay man.
=&s it good?= & new nothing abo#t !hampagne. & was more o" a red wine girl.
The waiter3s eyebrows li"ted and he !h#!led. =2h' it3s very good.=
A"ter the waiter departed % de!lining grat#ity be!a#se' =&t3s been taen !are o"'= % & wandered the
s#ite with a glass in hand. The room(s de!or straddled the line between modern and !om"ortableH
nothing too pretentio#s' nothing abs#rd "or the sae o" design. & went #p to the lo"t' where & "o#nd a
bathroom with a E#ropean%style shower and' to my s#rprise' a bla! leather shaving it and some
!ologne and shampoo in !ommer!ial si6ed bottles. Those weren(t standard hotel toiletries.
5as 8eil staying here? & went to the bedroom and peeed in a drawer. There were some neatly
"olded !lothes inside' and & 1#i!ly sh#t it. & didn3t want to snoop. Clearly' he3d been staying "or some
time.
& !he!ed the !lo!. &t was 1#arter to seven. +y stoma!h notted with e-!itement. & had $#st a little
over an ho#r be"ore 8eil wo#ld arrive' and & intended to sed#!e him "rom the moment he stepped
thro#gh the door.
& showered !are"#lly' so & wo#ldn3t get my hair wet' then dried mysel" and r#bbed some o" the
divine smelling hotel lotion into my sin. & "rowned at my hair in the mirror. &(d worn a to#sled #p%do all
day' b#t it was wor hair.
To my #nbelievable good l#!' when & p#lled o#t the pins my hair let down into waves & !o#ldn3t
have possibly a!hieved with a !#rling iron and in"inite patien!e. &" there were a patron saint o" se-y hair'
& wo#ld be lighting !andles to her' "or s#re.
& to#!hed #p my mae#p' thi!ening my eyeliner $#st a bit and swapping my n#de lip !olor "or a
dar berry gloss &(d "o#nd in the bottom o" my p#rse. & dressed' neatened #p the bathroom' then h#rried
downstairs.
Standing be"ore the mirror in the living area' & t#gged down the hem o" the short dress that !l#ng to
my body lie a glove. The wide sleeves "l#ttered "rom my elbows as & rea!hed #p to "l#"" my hair one
last time. & tho#ght ba! to what &3d looed lie that day at the airport si- years ago. This was a de"inite
improvement to greasy teenager sin and bad highlights in a tee%shirt and $eans.
& "o#nd an i9od pl#gged into a stereo do!' and & too the liberty o" s!rolling thro#gh the alb#ms. &
was pleasantly s#rprised to "ind some gen#inely !ool !hoi!es % 9eter ,abriel' 4loren!e P The +a!hine'
*amien Ai!e % and #ltimately & sele!ted some T@ on the Aadio. A slow' moody song "illed the entire
s#ite "rom b#ilt%in speaers.
A"ter some sear!hing' &(d "o#nd the swit!h to lower the shade over the h#ge window. There was a
dimmer swit!h in the main living area' so & t#rned down the lights' then arranged mysel" on the wide
white !o#!h. & wriggled my sirt #p a bit and spread my legs' my attention "i-ed on the door.
& !o#ldn3t believe & was doing this. & !o#ldn3t believe it was a!t#ally happening' a"ter si- years. A"ter
& had given #p hope o" ever having a se-#al e-perien!e as satis"ying as my night with Bei". Every
m#s!le in my body tensed with anti!ipation. +y breath !a#ght in my !hest as my "ingers vent#red down'
#nder the bla! la!e o" my panties. & tho#ght ba! to my white !otton #nderpants that night at the
Crowne 9la6a' and & giggled to mysel". &" anyone had told me ba! then that &3d be se- amb#shing the
man si- years later' & wo#ldn3t have believed & wo#ld have the nerve.
& !losed my eyes and stroed two "ingers down my slit. +y hips li"ted. &3d been so eager "or this
moment' now it seemed lie my sin was too sensitive to to#!h. & tho#ght o" what 8eil wo#ld see when
he waled in' and remembered the #ndisg#ised appre!iation in his eyes while he3d wat!hed o#r hands on
my body.
+y stoma!h "l#ttered with nervo#s b#tter"lies. 5hat i" he was e-pe!ting the girl "rom si- years ago'
who3d only had se- with "#mbling teenage boys? 5hat i" he got here and was t#rned o"" by my
initiative? A"ter all' he3d "o#nd my naivetK so endearing the last time we were together.
5h shut up' & s!olded mysel". +ould you really want to fuck a guy who only wanted you for your
sexual inexperience, 1o4 because that would be weird.
&(d made a salient point' & had to !on!ede.
+y "ingertips !ir!led my !lit' and a shay breath st#ttered a!ross my lips. +y "lesh "elt hot and
heavy #nder my hand' and & !#pped mysel"' letting my "ingers slip between the "olds o" my se-.
The door !li!ed open' and the weight o" my desire be!ame lie an ele!tri! !#rrent. +y l#ngs
sei6ed' my limbs 1#ivered. & opened my eyes' a so"t groan es!aping me when & saw 8eil there. >e !losed
the door and dropped his messenger bag. >is ga6e met mine and held it as he waled toward me in his
long bla! !oat and leather gloves. & don3t now how & managed to maintain eye !onta!t' b#t & did' and &
had never "elt so se-y in my entire li"e. 5hy had & ever do#bted that this wo#ld please him?
>is maddeningly ne#tral e-pression gave nothing away' b#t he !o#ldn(t disg#ise the h#nger in his
eyes. 2h' he wanted me. >e stood over me' looing down as & !ontin#ed to move my hand beneath my
panties.
=Tae those o"".= >is voi!e was so"t and deep' the tone "irm. & was being !ommanded' not ased. A
perverse thrill shot thro#gh me' and & shivered.
>is eyes "ollowed my hands as & slowly peeled the s!rap o" bla! la!e down my thighs. >e stepped
!loser and ran one gloved hand #p my !al"' raising goose b#mps on my sin. & moaned at the !ool to#!h
o" the leather' and he grasped my panties' $ering them down the rest o" the way. & slipped my "eet "rom
them and wat!hed him li"t the la!e to his nose.
=2h god.= +y e-!lamation tore o#t on a ragged breath' and & pressed my thighs together against the
po#nding a!he in my !#nt. & wanted him so badly & trembled' b#t & was a"raid o" what wo#ld happen
when we a!t#ally to#!hed. The longing' the desperate' !lawing se-#al need that had been missing "rom
every en!o#nter &3d had in the intervening si- years !rashed over me' t#rned my blood into li1#id desire
!o#rsing to every throbbing !ell in my body.
=*on3t stop'= he said' removing his gloves slowly' t#gging one "ingertip at a time. & spread my legs a
little' and he ordered' =5ider.=
& heard my p#lse in my ears as & parted my thighs "#rther. 8eil too o"" his !oat and tossed it a!ross
the ottoman' on top o" the gloves he3d already dis!arded. >e moved to stand between my spread legs'
looing down at me with his hands in his po!ets. >e was hard' his !o! a visible ridge against his "ly
beneath his #nb#ttoned $a!et.
& stroed mysel"' letting my "ingers wander "#rther' to dip inside be"ore tra!ing #pward again'
!oated in the eviden!e o" my overwhelming desire. & smoothed the sily wetness over my !litoris' into
the short' neatly trimmed strip o" hair on my mo#nd.
5ordlessly' 8eil wat!hed me r#b my !lit in slow !ir!les. Being lie this "or him' my legs open' my
p#ssy e-posed and gleaming wet while he stood there "#lly dressed' t#rned the na#ghty "a!tor #p to
eleven and then some. <#st thining abo#t what & was doing spied my aro#sal higher. & had done things
with him that &3d never done with anyone else' and that nowledge made me "eel oddly sa"e.
+y thighs tensed' and & planted my bla! p#mps "irmly against the r#g. +y orgasm wo#nd tight
inside me' ready to spring and #n!oil me "rom the inside o#t. A yelped' =AhD= o" "r#stration es!aped me'
and & li"ted my hips "rom the so"a. & was going to !ome' & was so !lose' & was going to !ome while he
wat!hed me' witho#t him ever to#!hing me' and & was so goddamn !lose %
=Stop.=
The word was !on"#sing in the !onte-t o" the moment' and that was eno#gh to sho! me into
a!t#ally stopping. +y internal m#s!les !len!hed pain"#lly' rea!hing "or the !lima- that had been
s#ddenly denied.
=5hat?= & panted' gripping the hem o" my dress to physi!ally restrain mysel" "rom relieving the
a!he.
=Come here.= >e held o#t his hand to me' and #nthining & o""ered him the one that had $#st been
b#sy between my legs. >e p#lled me to my "eet and bra!ed my swaying body against him with a palm at
my lower ba!. Being so !lose to him made me di66yH his "aintly spi!y !ologne "illed my head' and my
sin be!ame hyper aware o" his body heat' even thro#gh o#r !lothes.
5ith his other hand' he bro#ght my still damp "ingers to his mo#th and s#!ed them between his
lips. & gasped at the to#!h o" his tong#e against my "ingertips as he tasted me' and he released them with
a small' strangely serio#s smile.
& rose on my tiptoes' my hand sliding aro#nd his ne! and into his hair to t#g his mo#th down to
mine. >is groan was m#""led by o#r iss' b#t the h#ngry so#nd went bone deep' vibrating o"" my every
nerve ending. >e swayed with me to the low' insistent beat o" the m#si!. +y thighs st#! together with
the wetness that had smeared between them. +y body wept "or his to#!h' "or his !o!' "or "#l"illment.
>is tong#e stroed against mine' while one hand slid down my arm to la!e o#r "ingers together. >e
broe o#r mo#ths apart' dropping isses along my $aw on a path toward my ear. >e tra!ed the edge o"
my earlobe' and & shivered in his arms.
=& have "antasi6ed abo#t this every day "or the past si- years'= he whispered' the ragged edge o"
need apparent in his voi!e. & almost sobbed in relie" to hear those words. &t wasn3t $#st me' then. There
had been something in!redible between #s' and !learly there still was. & hadn3t been !ra6y' looing "or
this ind o" passion. &t did e-ist.
>e held me tight' his arm lo!ed behind my ba!' holding me on my "eet as he nibbled the shell o"
my ear. The pri!ly' over%sensitive "eeling made me gasp. & leaned heavily against him' my breath
speeding #p' my m#s!les tensing as he laved over and over the same' e-tremely erogeno#s spot. &t was
lie being ti!led' b#t the "eeling shot straight to my groin' and he didn(t let #p even as & writhed away
"rom his mo#th. & s1#ee6ed my legs together' my toes !#rled in my shoes' and & only reali6ed what was
happening when my !#nt spasmed with a "lood o" wetness and grate"#l relie" po#red thro#gh my
m#s!les. &t wasn3t the most mind%blowing' intense orgasm &3d ever had' b#t it did tae the edge o"" my
pain"#l need' and he had managed to do it $#st by issing my ear.
=2h'= & managed on a shay breath as & looed #p at the dar am#sement in his eyes. =& thin &3m in
tro#ble.=
=0es' it appears so.= >e grinned' boyish and sel"%!ongrat#latory' and released me' leaving me to
stand helpless and shaing as he went to the wet bar. =0o# had some !hampagne' then?=
3hampagne, &(d $#st had an orgasm in his arms' "rom him s#!ing on my ear. 8ot "rom "#!ing me
or "ingering me or eating me o#t' b#t "rom tame' ba!seat%in%high%s!hool ne!ing. And now he was
asing me abo#t champagne, & !o#ld barely stand #pright.
=& did'= & smoothed down my sirt' "eeling s#ddenly sel"%!ons!io#s.
>e po#red some and !ame ba! to me with maddening slowness. =& didn3t see another glass. *o yo#
mind i" we share?=
The other glass was #pstairs on the marble !o#ntertop beside the bathroom sin' b#t someone !o#ld
have o""ered me a million dollars to leave the room and & wo#ldn3t have. 8ot when 8eil was so !lose to
me' so oddly sel"%possessed while & was still trembling with my need.
=That is a very pretty dress./ >is eyes moved over my body in near reveren!e. >e too a sip "rom
the glass and handed it to me. =8ow t#rn aro#nd' so & !an get yo# o#t o" it.=
& t#rned slowly' my anles still wea and wobbly "rom my !lima-. 8eil stepped #p behind me' so
!lose that his tro#sers br#shed the ba!s o" my bare legs. >e "o#nd the 6ipper between my sho#lder
blades and smoothly p#lled it down. The m#si! stopped' leaving #s with only the so#nd o" the metal
teeth parting to p#n!t#ate the silen!e. >e p#shed down my sleeves one at a time' as & shi"ted the
!hampagne "rom one hand to the other. >is palms "ollowed the path the "abri! too' every to#!h igniting
a s!or!hing trail a!ross my sin. The dress "ell to the "loor' and & shivered. & still wore my bla! la!e bra
and my heels. 5hen my hand moved to the !lasp at my ba!' 8eil br#shed it aside.
=Beave it on' "or now. The shoes as well.= The r#stle o" sil told me he3d taen o"" his $a!et. 5hen
& t#rned' he was #nb#ttoning his shirt.
=Sho#ld we go #pstairs?= & ased' raising an eyebrow as & sipped "rom the glass in my hand.
>e p#lled his arms "ree and tossed the shirt to the "loor. 5hi!h was slightly alarming to me' be!a#se
& new it probably !ost more than my share o" the monthly rent. B#t 8eil was standing in "ront o" me'
shirtless' and that ind o" too pre!eden!e over everything else. >e was "it' and not $#st "it "or a man
who was almost "i"ty. Brown hair with a smattering o" silver lightly shadowed his tight !hest' and
narrowed into a line down his "lat stoma!h. >e !r#shed me to him' and the sho! o" his bare sin on
mine made it impossible to stand on my own.
>e issed me hard' his hand tangled in my long hair' and when we were both breathless he li"ted his
head to answer my 1#estion. =8ot now. & tho#ght &3d lay yo# down on this so"a and b#ry my "a!e in yo#r
!#nt "irst. Cnless yo# ob$e!t...=
+y $aw dropped. =& remember yo# being dire!t' b#t &3d "orgotten how dire!t.=
>e wined and too the !hampagne "rom me. A"ter a long swallow' he set the glass on the small
table beside the !o#!h. =& haven3t heard an ob$e!tion. And &3ve been looing "orward to this all day.=
The p#re' molten heat that s#""#sed me had nothing to do with the !hampagne. & too his hand and
p#lled him with me to the so"a' where & re!lined as &(d been when he3d arrived. >e dropped to his nees
between my spread legs and rested his !hee against my stoma!h. The evening st#bble on his $aw
s!rat!hed my sin. & tho#ght o" how it wo#ld "eel against my inner thighs' my labia' and & moaned'
raising my hips and silently willing him to rea!h his destination 1#i!ly.
>e didn3t need my #rging. >e li"ted one o" my legs over his sho#lder' then the other' and bent his
head. >is tong#e parted me' and & !#rled #p with a !hoed e-!lamation' b#rying my hands in his hair.
>e gripped my hips and p#shed them "irmly against the so"a. & "ell ba!' letting him hold me !aptive' his
big hands pressing me down as he s#!ed and nibbled. 5hen his tong#e slipped inside me & sobbed
alo#d.
=,od' the taste o" yo#'= he m#rm#red against my thigh. =& !o#ld stay here all night.=
>e p#lled my !lit into his mo#th' the st#bble on his !hees rasping my sli!' open "lesh' and my
body tightened. The stiletto heels o" my p#mps d#g into his ba!' b#t i" he didn3t !are' & didn3t either. &
li"ted mysel" against his mo#th' and he slipped a hand beneath my ass to hold me. >e pressed two
"ingers o" his other hand to my !le"t as he s#!ed me' and with the slightest tilt o" my hips they were
inside me. >e p#shed deeper and !rooed his "ingers' pressing hard against my g%spot. & "elt my p#lse
!enter #nder his tong#e' "elt the edges o" his teeth teasing my !lit' and white%hot pleas#re sei6ed every
m#s!le "iber in my body.
& sho#ted' =&3m !omingD= and "ervently prayed & wo#ldn(t brea his ne! as my nees !lamped on
either side o" his head. >e moved his "ingers in and o#t' rasping over that deli!io#s spot' and all the
tight' tense sensation that had b#ilt #p in me shattered. +y legs $ered. 2ne o" my shoes "lew o"". +y
l#ngs emptied on a high%pit!hed wail. &" there were a pri6e "or biggest orgasm' & wo#ld have won it then
de!lined to attend the !eremony' be!a#se the orgasm was reward eno#gh.
& !ame down slowly' every nerve att#ned to my s#rro#ndings with intense !larity. The pl#sh so"a
#nder my ba!' the "eeling o" 8eil3s hair between my "ingers and the heat o" my sopping wet !enter
against his mo#th. >e li"ted his head $#st as the to#!h be!ame too m#!h "or me. >is "ingers remained
inside me' tho#gh' p#lsing and "l#ttering. & sho#ld have been satis"ied' bone tired' and & new & wo#ld
be' event#ally. 8ot #ntil he3d "#!ed me' tho#gh. Even as his stroing "ingers bro#ght me ba! to the
pre!ipi!e &3d $#st "allen "rom' & new & wo#ldn3t be satiated #ntil he was inside me.
=9lease'= & begged him' trying to drag him #p my body. & needed him to "#! me' needed him so
deep in me that it h#rt. & wanted him to "#! me hard' to wear me o#t. & wanted to "eel soreness in my
m#s!les "or days. 5e3d waited long eno#gh. 5e3d waited si- years' and that was long eno#gh.
>e eased his "ingers "rom me and !overed my body. & wrapped my legs aro#nd his waist' not !aring
that my wet p#ssy was plastered against his very e-pensive tro#sers. >e had to "#! me' or & wo#ld die' &
was absol#tely s#re o" it. 5e !o#ld worry abo#t the dry !leaning bill later.
>e issed me' and & tasted mysel" on his lips be"ore he raised his head. =5e have to go #pstairs.= >e
br#shed my hands away "rom the slender silver b#!le on his belt' la#ghing as he did. =5e have to go to
the bedroomH it3s where the !ondoms are.=
& let him help me to my "eet and balan!ed with a hand on his sho#lder as & pl#!ed my remaining
shoe "rom my "oot be"ore we attempted the stairs. >al"way #p' he stopped me and pressed me against
the wall' b#rying his "a!e in my ne! to nibble at my throat. & wrapped my arms aro#nd his sho#lders'
and his hand "ell to the !lasp o" my bra' releasing it. 5e le"t it behind on the steps' his shoes' as well.
Somehow' we made it to the bed' and & lay naed on the thi! white d#vet while he #nb#!led his belt
and slid his tro#sers and bo-ers down.
4or the "irst time all night' my resolve somewhat wavered. & remembered 8eil being big. >e was
de"initely the most well endowed man &3d ever been with. B#t in the intervening years &3d somehow lost
my perspe!tive on $#st how big he really was. To say he was intimidating wo#ld have been an
#nderstatement. 9ro"essional porn stars are less well h#ng.
>e !orre!tly ga#ged my rea!tion' his e-pression grim. =& wo#ld #nderstand' i" yo# didn3t % =
=8o' no. & still want to.= & "elt lie an asshole. >e m#st have gotten my rea!tion more than on!e.
>ell' he3d gotten it more than on!e "rom me' be!a#se si- years ago &3d pra!ti!ally "led the room. B#t &3d
tr#sted him to be gentle then. & didn(t now what & was a"raid o" now. & new & had nothing to worry
abo#t. & shoo my head' embarrassed. =Sorry. & !an3t believe & "orgot s#!h a s#bstantial detail.=
>e la#ghed' his relie" evident. =& was worried yo# might have !hanged yo#r mind.=
=8ever.= & !#pped my swollen' sli! se- in my hand and pl#nged two "ingers into my body. >is lips
parted as he wat!hed me' and & saw his indrawn breath in the rise o" his !hest.
=9lease'= & moaned' moving my "ingers slowly o#t' then p#shing ba! in. & pl#!ed at my hard
nipple with my other hand' writhing against the d#vet. =9lease "#! me.=
>e got a !ondom "rom the bedside table drawer and sheathed himsel"' then he was on me' !overing
me' pinning me to the mattress. The wide tip o" his !o! p#shed against me' and & held my breath. +y
body opened rel#!tantly' my "lesh engorged "rom the pleas#re he3d already given me. The head o" him
slipped in "aster than & e-pe!ted' and & startled at the b#rning stret!h. & willed mysel" to rela- as he san
into me. That made it easier. & held onto his sho#lders as & opened aro#nd him' taing him in.
>e bra!ed himsel" with a hand against the bed and gasped' =0o#3re so tight. Am & h#rting yo#?=
.8o' it(s $#st... been a long time./ & li"ted #p' taing him deeper. >e groaned and p#lled ba!'
almost entirely o#t' be"ore slowly p#shing in again.
All my earlier "eelings o" disbelie" vanished. & was no longer sho!ed that this was happening' a"ter
s#!h a long time. & was !ompletely lost in the moment' desperate to !ommit every sensation to memory'
nowing & wo#ld never a!!#rately remember' no matter how hard & wished. 5hen he withdrew' & !l#ng
to him with my !#nt and my legs' trying to bring him ba!. & mat!hed his every move' rolling my hips'
taing more o" him on every thr#st.
Everything !eased to matter. 2#r strange relationship' o#r ages' what wo#ld happen at wor... none
o" that remained atta!hed' and "or some bliss"#l' sweaty min#tes we were $#st two people !a#ght #p in a
primal drive. +y "ingers d#g into his ba!' my nees h#gged his waist as he p#mped into me.
>e !a#ght my hand and t#gged it between #s' m#rm#ring' =To#!h yo#rsel"'= !lose to my ear. &
moaned when my "ingers en!o#ntered the obs!ene thi!ness o" him spreading me' and & r#bbed my !lit
"#rio#sly with my "ingertips' ar!hing and gasping as & ra!ed toward another !lima-. +y already sore
m#s!les protested as my body tensed on!e more' and & m#ttered nonsensi!al pleas against his ne! as he
sped his thr#sts. 5hen & !ame' & saw b#rsts o" white behind my eyelids.
8eil wasn3t "ar behind me' shoving hard' almost too hard' my eager !#nt still spasming aro#nd him
as he groaned and stilled. The deep p#lse o" his !o! sent shivers o" delayed pleas#re thro#gh me' and &
whimpered' !linging to him.
=Are yo# all right?= he ased breathlessly' the persistent throbbing still to#!hing o"" mini%"irewors
"or me.
=Ch%h#h.= That was the most intelligent thing & !o#ld manage to say.
>e eased o#t and rose "rom the bed to step into the bathroom. & !a#tio#sly "elt my p#""y "lesh. 2h' &
wo#ld de"initely pay "or that tomorrow. & grinned to mysel" at the tho#ght.
=& thin this was a really good idea'= & !alled to him' p#shing mysel" #p on my elbows. .&t(s been
ages sin!e &(ve "elt this good./
5hen he !ame ba!' he was wearing a pair o" bla! "lannel sleep pants. >e stopped beside the bed
and smiled down at me. =>ave yo# eaten dinner yet?=
=8o'= & admitted. =&3ll grab some on my way home.=
=*on3t try to be !ool'= he s!olded. =&3m not i!ing yo# o#t. & tho#ght we !o#ld order room servi!e
and see where the evening taes #s.=
=2h ho'= & la#ghed' sitting #p and swinging my legs over the side o" the bed. =0o# want to do this
again?=
=8ot e-a!tly this. +ore' and similar. &t3s been si- years' Sophie. 0o# !an3t imagine that &3ve had my
"ill o" yo# a"ter $#st an ho#r.=
The raw h#nger in his voi!e obliterated the play"#l mood between #s. >e looed away' pin!hing the
bridge o" his nose between his th#mb and "ore"inger. =Sorry'= he said 1#i!ly. =That was a bit intense. &"
yo# have somewhere to be % =
& stood and looed down at mysel". =5ell' &3m not e-a!tly dressed "or dinner' is my only problem.=
&nstantly' that play"#lness ret#rned' and he swatted my behind as he moved past me to the dresser.
>e r#mmaged thro#gh a drawer then tossed me a so"t gray t%shirt. =That3s as !overed #p as &3ll allow yo#
to be in my presen!e' yo#ng lady.=
& snorted and p#lled the shirt over my head. &t h#ng to $#st below my ass !hees' and had a "aded
white o#tline o" Bed Qeppelin3s &!ar#s logo on the "ront. & twirled in it as tho#gh it was an evening gown'
and he admired me "or a "ew se!onds be"ore heading toward the stairs. =&3ll give yo# a moment' !ome
down when yo#3re ready.=
J J J J
5e ordered heino#sly overpri!ed room servi!e b#rgers' whi!h 8eil absol#tely re"#sed to tae any
money "or. =& #nderstand that we3re not dating' b#t & thin we !an go so "ar as to !all o#rselves "riends at
this point. There3s nothing wrong with a "riend b#ying another "riend3s meal.=
=As long as & get to ret#rn the "avor some time'= & warned. & didn3t lie the idea o" being beholden to
anyone' espe!ially not a man with money and power. And & didn3t want him to thin that3s where my
interest lay. =<#st remember' &3m in this "or hot se-' not hot meals./
5e opened the shade over the h#ge window and sat on the long !o#!h' the room servi!e tray
between #s. 5hile we ate' we !hatted and wat!hed the lights o" the sys!rapers and streets o#tside. &t
was a "#ll moon' and the night was almost as bright as the day' albeit in a weird' "l#ores!ent way. 4rom
inside the so"t' warm light o" the room' & "elt lie & was looing o#t on an alien world.
=Can & as yo# something?= & "olded my legs !riss%!ross and t#gged the hem o" the t%shirt down
when & noti!ed his ga6e drop to my !rot!h. & !leared my throat' and he looed #p with a !rooed smile.
=0o# !an as me anything. & $#st might not answer.= >e dipped two "ries in et!h#p and bit them'
!hewing tho#ght"#lly. =*epending on what yo#r 1#estion is.=
=Are yo# living here?= & pl#!ed at the "ront o" the t%shirt & wore and $ered my th#mb toward the
lo"t overhead.
>e too a sip "rom a bottle o" water be"ore answering. =<#st "or now. A"ter the divor!e was
"inali6ed' Eli6abeth had si-ty days to move o#t o" o#r apartment. & spent most o" those in Bondon' b#t &
had to ret#rn be"ore they were #p. &n ten days' she3ll tae possession o" the ho#se in B.A.' and my li"e
!an go ba! to normal.=
& tho#ght it was pretty sad that =normal= "or him was being alone' even tho#gh he had been married
"or two years. Still' & didn3t now all the parti!#lars. & didn(t "eel it was my pla!e to $#dge.
=*o yo# want to now what happened?= he ased' gest#ring with a "ry. =&t isn3t tragi!' & wo#ldn3t be
o""ended i" yo# ased.=
=& wasn3t "ishing' i" that3s what yo# thin'= & !lari"ied "irmly. =B#t s#re' i" it isn3t tragi!' what
happened?=
>e shr#gged. =5e didn3t !omm#ni!ate o#r e-pe!tations well be"ore we got married. She interpreted
my not wanting any more !hildren to mean that & didn3t want another !hild right now. And it too two
years "or the both o" #s to "ig#re o#t that things weren(t going to !hange "or the better.=
=0ies.= There wasn3t m#!h else & was 1#ali"ied to say.
=& !ertainly don3t re!ommend it. &" yo# ever "ind yo#rsel" in a similar sit#ation' "orging ahead as
tho#gh nothing is amiss is de"initely the wrong ta!ti!.=
=Thans "or the tip'= & snorted. & "elt weirdly possessive' tho#gh & had no right to be. & didn3t want to
tal abo#t his e-%wi"e. & didn3t lie the idea o" him being with anyone. And & !ertainly didn3t lie the "a!t
that & "elt any o" those things. & wiped my lips with my napin and pointed o#t the window' !ontin#ing
the game we3d started while waiting "or the "ood to arrive. & drew an invisible !ir!le aro#nd the window
o" a neighboring b#ilding. =5hat abo#t the people in that one?=
8eil embra!ed the !hange o" s#b$e!t gladly. =They3re enormo#s perverts.=
=Aeally?= & giggled' tipping my head to one side.
=&t3s dist#rbing' the st#"" they get #p to.=
=5hat i" & wanted to get #p to something dist#rbing?= A little thrill went thro#gh me. & didn3t really
now how to do anything tr#ly dist#rbing' b#t & was pretty s#re he wo#ld.
A slow smile spread a!ross his lips. =4orgive me' i" yo#3ve e-tensively broadened yo#r repertoire in
the past si- years' b#t when we slept together be"ore yo# seemed to be #nder the impression that a bit o"
light spaning was dist#rbing.=
=& was only eighteen'= & reminded him' and & too a little sel"ish pleas#re in the momentary "lash o"
shame that !rossed his "a!e. =B#t no' & haven3t been going !ra6y with the whips and !hains.=
=&s that something yo#3d be open to?= >e ased the 1#estion so !as#ally it threw me "or a moment.
>e3d seemed more #n!om"ortable asing me to eat dinner with him than asing i" & wanted to be !hained
#p.
& !leared my throat. =5ell... &3ll try anything on!e. Tho#gh whips might tae some !onvin!ing.=
=Then we3ll save that "or the se!ond date.= >e la#ghed' and my heart sipped a beat.
=>ow do yo# do that?= & shoo my head and smiled to mysel"' looing down at my nearly empty
plate. =&t3s not "air that yo# get to be !ool and ri!h and own a !ompany.=
=And & have a h#ge !o!'= he reminded me' and & threw a "ry at him. =& s#spe!t what yo#3re
per!eiving as 3!ool3 is the "a!t that & have the emotional mat#rity o" a toddler !o#pled with the libido o" a
seventeen year old boy' and absol#tely no one in my li"e telling me no.=
=That3s a pretty spe!i"i! and insight"#l answer'= & m#sed' dropping my napin to my plate.
=&3ve heard it eno#gh. Sometimes sho#ted at me in anger. &t3s not as attra!tive an e-isten!e as it may
appear.= >e too another sip o" water then moved the room servi!e tray "rom between #s' settling it on
the r#g at o#r "eet.
=& don3t now' & !an see at least one #pside to it.= & rose on my nees and s!ooted toward him. =0o#
have this !ra6y hot girl who3s #sing yo# "or se-. That has to !o#nt "or at least one good thing.=
=&t3s a very good thing'= he m#rm#red against my throat as he p#lled me into his lap. >is hands "ell
to my hips' p#shing the t%shirt #p. & glan!ed at the window. =&sn3t someone going to see?=
>e li"ted his head' ga6ing o#t at the !ity beyond the glass. =0o#3re right. & s#ppose we sho#ld mae
it worth their while' then.=
+y witty retort was lost in the "l#tter o" "abri! #p and over my head' and then 8eil3s hands and
mo#th were on my breasts' and & didn3t !are i" the entire world was wat!hing.
Chapter Seven
5e were in the so"t' !om"y hotel bed' my head on 8eil3s sho#lder as he la6ily stroed my hair. The
only light in the s#ite was the "l#ores!ent glow o" the 8ew 0or night o#tside the window' and the pale
bl#e "rom the alarm !lo!3s st#pid' st#pid "a!e.
=&t3s one o3!lo!'= & groaned. & didn3t want to leave the bed. & wanted to stay sn#ggled #p with 8eil'
warm sin pressed to warm sin' and sleep #ntil we woe #p to "#! again.
& hadn3t meant to stay so late. & really hadn3t. Espe!ially sin!e this was te!hni!ally his pla!e at the
moment' and staying over seemed a bridge too "ar "or o#r "irst night. & li"ted my head and rested my !hin
on his !hest. =& have to go.=
=Aight' yo# have wor tomorrow.= >e grima!ed as he moved his arm. &3d been laying on it "or a
while. =& s#ppose yo#3ve got some horrible pri! o" a boss who won3t let yo# have the morning o""?=
& sat #p and "rowned down at him. =&s my horrible pri! o" a boss giving me the morning o""?=
=8o.= >e la#ghed and held #p his hands de"ensively when my $aw dropped. =8o' a!t#ally' & really
need yo# there in the morning. &3m interviewing someone' and & want yo# to sit in. & $#st wanted to see
yo#r "a!e when yo# tho#ght & was giving yo# the morning o"".=
=0o# asshole.= & la#ghed and leaned down' br#shing my lips a!ross his. & meant it to be 1#i!' b#t
his hand splayed at the small o" my ba!' and his other hand rose to the nape o" my ne!. As long as &
was being held there' & tho#ght & might as well let him iss me thoro#ghly.
=Are yo# s#re yo# won3t stay?= he ased' b#t we3d been over that between the se!ond and third time.
>e really hadn3t been idding abo#t having the se- drive o" a seventeen%year%old. & was twenty%"o#r
years yo#nger than him' and & had serio#s do#bts & !o#ld eep #p !onse!#tive nights o" this.
& shoo my head and "or!ed mysel" to a!t#ally get o#t o" the bed. &" & stayed m#!h longer' &3d be too
tired to mae my way home. =4riends with bene"its don3t sleep over. & e-plained all this.=
=0o# did' &3m sorry. &3m being greedy.= >e sat #p and swit!hed on the bedside lamp. =Bet me help
yo# "ind yo#r things.=
9i!ing #p the sheet we3d a!!identally i!ed to the "loor' & wrapped mysel" in it. &t wasn3t that &
was bash"#l' b#t & "ig#red the less naed we both were' the less liely we(d end #p "#!ing again. 8eil
apparently agreed' be!a#se in addition to the "lannel sleep pants' he donned the Bed Qeppelin t% shirt &3d
been wearing on and o"" all evening.
+y bra was on the steps' my dress downstairs. & was $#st t#gging down my sirt when a tho#ght
o!!#rred to me. =0o# still have my panties.=
=2h' do &?= >e had stooped to pi! #p the shoe &3d i!ed a!ross the room earlier in the evening.
=0es' & s#ppose & did tae them.=
>e was a!ting a bit too inno!ent. >e was #p to something. =Can & have them ba!?=
=5hat i" & said no' yo# !an3t have them ba!?= >e !arried my shoe with him to the !o#!h and sat
down. =5o#ld yo# lie to play a game' Sophie?=
=5hat ind o" game?= & waled toward him slowly. 2n!e he got his hands on me' & might be
powerless to leave. +y body !ame to "#ll' 1#ivering attention with every step & too.
=& don3t thin it3s a se!ret that & lie to be in !ontrol d#ring se-.= >e held #p my shoe and patted his
thigh' and & raised my leg !a#tio#sly. >e grasped my anle and slipped the toe o" my shoe on' then the
heel. B#t he didn3t release me. & stood there' my "oot bra!ed against his hard thigh' the already short sirt
riding #p to my hips' e-posing me !ompletely.
=& did noti!e'= & 1#ipped. And oh' had & ever. The "irst time we3d been together' &3d ass#med his
dominant nat#re had been abo#t g#iding me thro#gh my ine-perien!e. Tonight' tho#gh' he3d been $#st as
!ommanding' and & was a little embarrassed to admit how m#!h & lied it. There was something
in!redibly "reeing in not having to g#ess at what he wanted. Espe!ially when it had seemed lie the only
thing he3d wanted was to mae me !ome as hard as possible' as many times as possible.
& sh#ddered as his "ingers slipped #p' !aressing the ba! o" my !al". >e seemed totally #na""e!ted'
even as his hand travelled higher. =>ave yo# ever e-perimented with *omination and s#bmission?=
+y high hopes san. =0eah' & have.=
=5ere yo# the *ominant' or the s#bmissive?= >is "ingers !#rled over my nee' then swept #nder'
ti!ling the bend.
=2ne o" my e-es wanted me to tie him #p and do st#"" to him.= & shoo my head. =&t really wasn3t
my thing. &t "elt lie he was telling me' 3here' do all the wor.3 8ot really appealing.=
=Cnderstandably' i" that was how it was presented.= >e !ontin#ed stroing' and every br#sh o" his
"ingers hit!hed my aro#sal higher. .& lie to thin o" it as a gameH "or mysel"' and "or yo#. >ow !an &
mae yo# "eel and e-perien!e things yo# never have? And the !hallenge "or yo# lies in giving #p
!ontrol' testing yo#r own limits./
& swayed on my "eet. =&" yo# eep doing that' &3m never going to get o#t o" here.=
>is lips tilted in a small smile. =>ave yo# ever been the s#bmissive in a se-#al relationship?=
=2nly with yo#.=
=*oes it bother yo#?= >is hand stilled' and he st#died my "a!e "or the answer.
Sho#ld it? & was a strong' independent yo#ng woman' right? & wasn3t s#pposed to en$oy having a
man boss me aro#nd. B#t every time 8eil had given me a !ommand in his low' serio#s voi!e' &3d "allen
apart.
=>onestly?=
=8o' Sophie' & want yo# to lie to me. & "ind !omm#ni!ation terribly overrated.= >e bent his head and
issed my nee.
& shr#gged. =&t bothers me less than it sho#ld.=
=5hy sho#ld it bother yo#?= >is mo#th slipped down to the !#rve o" my !al"' his hand s1#ee6ing
and stroing there.
=Be!a#se &3m not s#pposed to lie being told what to do by some man.= & too a sh#ddering breath.
>e raised his head and looed me in the eye. =& thin yo# and & are alie in that we don3t worry
abo#t what we(re s#ppose to do. 5ithin reason.=
That was very tr#e' &3d give him that.
=&3m not looing "or a twenty%"o#r%seven s#bmissive'= he !lari"ied. =& have eno#gh to worry abo#t in
my own li"eH & don3t need the added responsibility o" telling yo# what to do every moment o" yo#r day.
Taing !ontrol d#ring se-' some light bondage and sensation play' that(s the sort o" thing & en$oy. And i"
yo# don(t want to try it' that won3t !hange my mind abo#t o#r se-#al relationship. &3d be per"e!tly happy
either way. &" yo# were willing to e-plore the possibility' tho#gh' & !ertainly wo#ldn(t ob$e!t.=
=5ell...= & pretended to !onsider' letting my nee "all slightly to the side' to give him a better view.
=&3ll try anything on!e.=
=&3m very glad to hear it.= >e play"#lly br#shed my "oot aside and stood' his hand sliding #p my leg'
#nder my sirt. >e p#lled me sharply to him as he p#shed two "ingers into my p#ssy. & !len!hed aro#nd
him and groaned. >e swallowed the so#nd' his lips "or!ing mine apart as his "ingers slowly withdrew
and p#mped in again. =5o#ld yo# lie to try something now?=
=& have to go'= & giggled against his mo#th. >e ba!ed me #p a step at a time' his "ingers still inside
me' #ntil my sho#lder blades hit the !ool s#r"a!e o" the mirrored wall. >e issed me' sliding his other
arm along mine' to la!e o#r "ingers and hold my hand !aptive.
=0o#3ll go'= he m#rm#red' his mo#th sliding to my $aw' my ne!' his "ingers still wriggling. =B#t
yo#3ll go home $#st as yo# are. 8aed #nder that very short sirt.=
& whimpered as his th#mb !ir!led my !litoris in slow' heavy stroes. & s1#ee6ed my thighs aro#nd
his hand.
=And as yo# go' with nothing between yo#r bare !#nt and the world' &3d lie yo# to remember why
yo#(re doing it. 5hom yo#(re doing it "or./ >is hand stilled' and he looed down' into my eyes. The
intensity in his ga6e swept lie "ire thro#gh me. >e "o#nd my g%spot and pressed hard. =Aemember how
it "elt' waiting "or me to arrive' to#!hing yo#rsel" while & wat!hed. Aemember that it was all "or me' that
when we3re together' this is all "or me.=
Cnbelievably' a"ter a night o" nonstop pleas#re' & still had another ama6ing orgasm in me. +y
m#s!les tightened and & rose on the balls o" my "eet' holding him "or s#pport. & tipped my head ba!' b#t
he !a#ght my !hin and "or!ed me to loo at him' ordering' =2pen yo#r eyes.=
& did' and o#r ga6es met as & !lima-ed' "rom $#st the press#re o" his "ingers. & s1#ealed and
s1#irmed' sho!ed by the magnit#de o" the release that s#""#sed me with heat and parado-i!al shivers o"
!old.
>e slipped his "ingers "rom my body and pressed them against my mo#th. & opened obediently and
s#!ed them !lean' never taing my ga6e "rom his. +y p#lse beat so "ast' & was s#re he !o#ld see it in
my p#pils.
=&(ll !all yo# a !ar. &" that(s all right?= he ased' taing my hand and drawing it to his mo#th. >e
issed my n#!les one by one.
=5ell' it3s that or p#t my bare ass on a s#bway seat.= & p#lled away' disentangling o#r hands. The
moment had sirted a bit !lose to a line & didn(t !are to thin abo#t. & didn3t want to get anywhere near
intimate. At least' not emotionally. 8ot yet.
.xcuse me4 (s. )caife4 what8s this :yet,; & s!olded mysel".
& thin 8eil pi!ed #p on my dis!om"ort. =&3ll !all the "ront des. &t will only tae a moment.=
>e went ba! #pstairs' b#t & stayed where & was. ,etting !lose to a bed with him was not a great
idea. +y legs trembled as & t#rned to !he! mysel" o#t in the mirror. & looed re!ently "#!ed' no do#bt
abo#t it. +y lips were swollen' my eyes bright' my !hees pin. +y hair was tangled' and my attempts
to !omb thro#gh it with my "ingers only made it loo stringier. &(d sweated all the !#rl o#t.
& wo#ld have no problem staying "o!#sed on o#r little .game./ & already "elt na#ghty' and & hadn(t
le"t the hotel room yet. A thrill ran thro#gh me. Every step & too' & wo#ld be thining abo#t 8eil'
thining abo#t the "a!t that & was doing something .bad'/ and & was doing it be!a#se he(d told me to. All
the anti!ipation &(d "elt earlier in the evening !rashed over me again. 5as this how it was going to be
between #s?
You might be in trouble4 self.
8eil !ame ba! downstairs $#st as & had !olle!ted my garment bag with my wor !lothes' and my
p#rse. =They3ll have a !ar in "ive min#tes.=
=& thin &3ll go and wait in the lobby.= & !ertainly wo#ldn3t sit down' and god help me i" & dropped
anything' b#t it wo#ld eep me "rom "alling ba! into bed with him.
>e !ame to my side and p#t his arms aro#nd me' "or a s#rprisingly sweet h#g. =Than yo#' & had a
wonder"#l time tonight.=
=+e too.= & rose on my tiptoes and issed his !hee. =5e3ll do this again soon?=
=& hope so. 2h' and bring that i9ad ba! to the o""i!e' will yo#? & have some things &3d lie to add to
it.=
=5ill do'= & ass#red him' and then' when & !o#ldn3t thin o" any other way aro#nd it' =&3ll see yo# in
the morning.=
=0es' see yo# in the morning.= >e grinned almost bash"#lly as & !losed the door behind me.
J J J J
Being with 8eil had overwhelmed me to the point that & "orgot what day it was. 2r was abo#t to be.
2r te!hni!ally was' sin!e it was a"ter midnight. & got home' !hanged' s!r#bbed my mae#p o""' and
!rawled into bed at two%thirty' never thining to !he! my phone3s alarm.
& woe to the shrill beeping at "ive%thirty' and almost had to man#ally peel ba! my eyelids. >olli
sat at the end o" my bed' her h#ge brown eyes wide above her !o""ee m#g. She was wearing her pin
r#nning s#it over a gray sports bra. =Someone "orgot her morning !ommitment.=
=& remember now.= & sat #p' win!ing at soreness in all my limbs. Th#rsday morning was #s#ally o#r
morning to wor o#t together' b#t &3d gotten eno#gh o" a woro#t with 8eil. =*o & have to?=
=0es. 0o# told me & wasn3t allowed to let yo# mae e-!#ses.= A tr#ly na#ghty smile !rossed her
"a!e. =And yo# have to tell me what happened last night.=
Some "riendships have !lear%!#t bo#ndaries' wherein all relationship tal ends stri!tly at the
bedroom door. That is not o#r "riendship. & p#lled on my sweats and blearily !limbed o#t o" bed. =,ive
me ten min#tes.=
>olli and & have memberships to the twenty%"o#r ho#r gym down the blo! "rom o#r apartment. &t3s
a small "a!ility' and one o" the best things abo#t it is that it(s #s#ally pretty empty early in the morning.
5hi!h might not bode well "or the pla!e staying open' b#t "or now' it s#ited o#r needs $#st "ine.
The need "or priva!y' "or e-ample' when yo#3re laying o#t all the tawdry spe!i"i! details o" wild se-
with yo#r boss while yo#3re also trying to get yo#r !ardio in on the ellipti!al.
=8o' he did notD= >olli gasped' taing a sip "rom her pin al#min#m water bottle. >er e-!lamation
was in rea!tion to my whispered re!o#nting o" 8eil wanting to p#t his "a!e e-a!tly where he(d ended #p
p#tting it.
=>e totally said that'= & made the s!o#t3s honor sign and !rossed my heart. =Aemember how & #sed
to go on and on abo#t the night in B.A.' and how it was the best se- anyone ever had' ever? >e topped it
by' lie' ten.= A shiver went #p my spine $#st remembering it. =The si! thing is' & want to do it all over
again' lie right now. 5e had se- three times last night. >e made me !ome right be"ore & le"t. & sho#ld
have rea!hed my yearly 1#ota o" partner%assisted orgasms by now.=
=&s he going to want to do it again?= she ased' hitting a b#tton on the display.
& nodded. =4rom every dis!#ssion we3ve had' &3ve gotten the "eeling that he wants to mae this a
reg#lar thing. And get this...=
+y spee!h halted. & didn3t now i" & !o#ld a!t#ally #tter the ne-t part o#t lo#d. & was worried abo#t
what she wo#ld thin' whi!h was silly' !onsidering how open she was abo#t iny st#"" the rest o" the
time. & was s#rprised at how m#!h & !ared whether she lied 8eil or not' and & worried she might mae
some ind o" $#dgment abo#t him be"ore ever meeting him.
B#t why wo#ld that matter? & shoo mysel" o#t o" my "#n. =2ay' don3t la#gh. B#t he wants to do
some domination and s#bmission type st#"" with me.=
>er eyes grew wide. =2h my god' why wo#ld & la#gh at that? &t so#nds hotD Are yo# gonna do it?=
=0eah. &3ll try anything on!e. And at least & now he !an mae it worth my while.= & sni!ered to
mysel".
=Boo at yo#' all se-#ally !on"ident.= >olli grinned' showing her per"e!t white teeth. =So' how does
this wor' do yo# lie' get dressed #p in leather and beat the shit o#t o" him' or % =
She !a#ght me mid%swallow "rom my water bottle. & almost !hoed.
=>ow !an yo# tae something awesome and mae it so#nd so #nse-y? B#t no. >e3s into being the
boss.=
=*oesn3t he get eno#gh o" that all day long?= She shoo her head. =Boo' whatever yo# want to do.
& don3t thin & !o#ld let someone tie me #p.=
5e "inished o#r woro#t and & headed ba! to the apartment to shower and get ready "or wor.
>olli $#st hit the showers at the gym' and wo#ld head to her shoot. & wo#ld never appropriately disg#ise
my envy that she had a $ob where it was not only a!!eptable' b#t also pre"erred' "or her to show #p
looing as ratty and #npolished as possible. Today' she wo#ld be posing "or Ameri!an Apparel' so the
!om"y !lothes she3d be wearing all day $#st added ins#lt to in$#ry.
!ey4 you$re the one who in%ured yourself' & reminded mysel" as & slipped my eys into my p#rse and
le"t the apartment "or wor. & really had overdone it' and not on the ellipti!al. +y inner thighs a!hedH my
voi!e was hoarse "rom enth#siasti! over#se' and even my "eet h#rt "rom the !onstant !#rling o" my toes.
&t "elt wonder"#lly wrong to str#t into wor the morning a"ter "#!ing yo#r boss' still sore in yo#r
m#s!les and other parts.
& pra!ti!ally ran to !at!h the train' and h#rried #p to the o""i!e. & was later than #s#al' b#t & so did
not want to arrive a"ter 8eil. & didn3t want him to thin & was going to tae advantage o" him by shaving
time o"" my wor day in trade "or se-. B#!y "or me' he was a!t#ally behind s!hed#le.
& p#t my !oat away and pla!ed the ipad on his des' then stopped to dash o"" a 1#i! message in the
note app.
Thank you for the wonderful night. (ay # have my panties back4 please, # may or may not be
wearing any right now.
& smiled to mysel". & totally was wearing panties #nder my green pen!il sirt' b#t he didn3t have to
now that.
=E-!#se me?=
+y head snapped #p' and & !losed the i9ad !over g#iltily. =>i' !an & help yo#?=
The woman standing in the doorway was basi!ally !ool on legs. She wore matte bla! leather pants'
an art"#lly "aded t%shirt "or a band &3d never listened to b#t whose name &3d heard everywhere' and a gold
"ringe ne!la!e. >er sin was light brown and "lawless' and she wore a n#de lip gloss to o""set the
dramati! loo o" her heavily lined eyes. She smiled' and she had the "riendliest' warmest smile &3d seen
on anyone whose last name wasn3t 2smond. =>i' h#man reso#r!es sent me #p. & have an eight o3!lo!
interview?=
=0es' o" !o#rse.= & motioned "or her to "ollow me ba! to my des. & spoe over my sho#lder. =&3m
sorry' +r. Elwood is r#nning late this morning %=
=8o' &3m not.= 8eil3s voi!e held a note o" s#rprise. >e stepped "rom behind the partition that
se!tioned o"" the !o""ee !o#nter. >e raised his eyebrows as he sipped "rom a plain bla! m#g.
& t#rned to the woman. =Can & get yo# anything? Co""ee? 5ater? Soda?=
=8o' thans.= She p#shed her dar' straight hair over her sho#lder and st#! o#t her hand "or 8eil.
=&3m *e$a 5illiams.=
=8eil Elwood.= >e shoo her hand and gest#red toward his o""i!e. =&" yo# don3t mind' &3m going to
have my assistant' Sophie' sit in on the interview. She3s been here longer than & have' and nows better
than & do what it will tae to repla!e her.=
& "ollowed them into the o""i!e' trying to mentally !ontrol the embarrassed "l#sh !reeping #p my
ne!. >ow !o#ld & have missed that he3d already arrived? & hadn3t wanted to be late' and on top o" it'
how was it going to loo to o#r interviewee? 7on$t try too hard4 she$s not going to be that difficult to
replace. That(s how it was going to loo.
8eil pa#sed beside the des and "lipped open the !over on the i9ad. +y note still ill#minated the
s!reen. & saw the !orner o" his mo#th twit!h as he read it' and it too all my willpower not to smir.
>is eyes met mine "or only a se!ond then his "#ll attention t#rned to *e$a 5illiams' who sat in the
!hair a!ross "rom him.
& haven3t 1#ite gotten over the !#lt#ral !onditioning that maes #s view other women as
!ompetition. &t3s an #gly tr#th' b#t there it is. *e$a sho#ld have been my ryptonite. She was !ool and
bea#ti"#l and "#nny. She answered every 1#estion sin!erely' b#t with a warm' sa"e h#mor. She was
per"e!t. A!!ording to all my #s#al math' & sho#ld have hated her instantly.
B#t it was impossible. 5hen 8eil ased abo#t where she3d started in the ind#stry' her answer was'
=+y plan originally was to wor #p "rom the mail room at "ock (onthly' be!ome a sta"" writer
event#ally. Then & reali6ed writing really wasn(t "or me.= She told #s what she lied abo#t her last boss)
=+argot wasn3t too spe!i"i!' b#t we were on the same wave length' and & always made s#re & got her
what she was looing "or./
To top the per"e!tion s#ndae' *e$a had to leave her !#rrent $ob d#e to her boss stepping down as
Editor%in%Chie" o" "ock (onthly. She didn(t $#st want the position & was va!ating' she needed it' and she
was !apable o" doing a good $ob.
Even i" & didn(t stay at Porteras' & wanted to now the $ob &(d done "or two years was taen !are o".
She was absol#tely the right person to do that. & was !onvin!ed o" it.
& thin 8eil was' too' tho#gh he played it !ool. =So tell me' i" yo# were woring yo#r way #p' why
wo#ld yo# want to tae another position as somebody(s assistant?=
*e$a shr#gged. =&3m good at it. Boo' & believe & sho#ld play to my strengths. &" &3m the best at what
& do' &3m going to do that' even i" it(s in a s#pporting role.=
Then & #nderstood what it was abo#t her & lied so m#!h. She was lie >olli3s long lost sister or
something. They both had the same no% nonsense attit#de' !o#!hed in a liable personality.
8eil ased her a "ew more 1#estions' then *e$a shoo o#r hands and & showed her o#t.
=>ow do yo# thin it went?= she ased me bl#ntly as we stepped into re!eption.
=&" it were #p to me' yo#3d be in.= +aybe & sho#ldn3t have said that. &3d overstepped my bo#nds. &t
was only "air to warn her' =&3m not s#re how many other !andidates he3s interviewing' tho#gh. &3ll try to
p#t in a good word.=
=Thans.= She beamed her wide' mega%"riendly smile at me' and we shoo hands again' be!a#se &
didn3t now what else to do.
5hen & !ame ba! into the o""i!e' 8eil had $#st gotten himsel" another !#p o" !o""ee' and & "rowned
at him. =Are yo# trying to p#t me o#t o" a $ob?=
=>mm?= >e glan!ed down at the m#g in his hand. =*on3t be "oolish. &" &3m #p and abo#t & !an get
the o!!asional !#p "or mysel". 5hat did yo# thin o" her?=
& nodded' determined to !ome #p with an answer that wo#ldn3t seem lie & was p#shing too hard in
any parti!#lar dire!tion. A"ter all' & didn3t have to wor with her' not "or long' anyway. And while &
new my $ob pretty well where ,abriella was !on!erned' & still had no idea how to be the right assistant
"or 8eil. B#t when & opened my mo#th' what !ame o#t was' =0o# have to hire her.=
>e looed s#rprised at that. =0o# lied her?=
=*idn3t yo#?= 5as he !ra6y? She was ama6ing. =& really thin she3s going to be the right person "or
the $ob. She3ll "it in with the people here' b#t she3s not as #ptight as the people here. And she has
e-perien!e.=
=0o#3re lobbying "airly hard "or her'= 8eil said with a small smile. =*oes this mean yo#3re taing
the position in the bea#ty department?=
=&...= & "rowned. & hadn3t given him an answer yet' and he3d interviewed my repla!ement? Then
again' he3d been planning on repla!ing me' anyway. =5as this all to "or!e me into maing a de!ision?/
=8o' it wasn3t. & swear.= >e headed to his o""i!e' and & "ollowed him. =0o# said yo# didn(t want to
be my assistant' and & agreed' it wo#ld be inappropriate. 5hy' did yo# mae a de!ision?=
& leaned against the door "rame and !ross my arms. =0es. &3ll tae the $ob.=
=,ood.= >e t#rned on the i9ad and li"ted it #p' tapping my note on the s!reen. =The answer to this
re1#est' by the way' is no. And tae o"" the ones yo# have on.=
5h my god. Co#ld & do that? & looed over my sho#lder at the glass wall in the o#ter o""i!e. Beyond'
in the lobby' &vana was taling into her headset' and the elevator doors had $#st opened.
.8ot here'/ he said' the !orners o" his mo#th twit!hing as he s#ppressed a grin. .,o ba! to yo#r
des and do it. &(m not going to tae them "rom yo#. &(m not starting some demented !olle!tion. & $#st
lie the tho#ght o" it./
.>ow will yo# now i" &(ve done it or not?/ The tip o" my tong#e darted o#t to to#!h my #pper lip
as & smiled at him.
.0o# never now' Sophie. & might !he!./
The o#ter o""i!e door opened' and A#dy !ame in' headed straight "or 8eil(s o""i!e. 8eil gest#red to
the !hair in "ront o" his des and greeted him with' .*id yo# hear "rom Carol this morning?/
.& did' and it isn(t good news. They want to drop 4ebr#ary "rom a two page ad to a single' and they
said they wo#ld get ba! to #s abo#t +ar!h./
8eil raised an eyebrow at me. .0o# have a pro$e!t yo# need to "inish' don(t yo#?/
.0es' sir'/ & !hirped' and le"t to do as he(d ordered.
8eil was right. There was no way & !o#ld be his assistant. 5e wo#ld never get anything done.
Chapter Eight
The ne-t day' abo#t a hal" ho#r a"ter my #s#al l#n!htime' 8eil !alled me into his o""i!e. >e3d had
s#shi delivered "rom some swany !atering pla!e. +y stoma!h had been growling all morning' and &
wondered i" o#r ="riends= provision wo#ld !over me snat!hing and eating his entire l#n!h. At 1#arter to
noon' he3d d#mped a h#ge sta! o" letters on my des and said' =& really need these to go o#t today.
Co#ld yo# possibly tae a later l#n!h and get them done now?=
=8ot a problem'= & had ass#red him. &nwardly' &3d tho#ght some very #n!haritable things abo#t my
boss.
5hen he s#mmoned me in a"ter the delivery g#y had painstaingly #npa!ed and plated his l#n!h' &
reali6ed why he3d delayed me.
>is entire des was !leared o""' and he sat in his high%ba!ed bla! !hair' $a!et o""' sleeves rolled
#p' no tie as #s#al. A "east o" s#shi rolls and sashimi' more than one person !o#ld reasonably eat' had
been laid in deli!ate dishes on the top o" the des. +y mo#th watered. & tried to !onvin!e mysel" it was
be!a#se 8eil looed so good today % he totally did % b#t it was mostly to do with the "ood.
=Close the door behind yo#' and hit the lo!.=
The tone o" his voi!e instantly diverted my tho#ghts "rom my empty stoma!h to my empty...
somepla!e else. & lo!ed the door and too a se!ond to pa#se and !olle!t mysel" be"ore t#rning to "a!e
him.
=>ave yo# eaten yet?= he ased' gest#ring with his !hopsti!s.
& shoo my head. =8o' someone ased me not to go to l#n!h #ntil one%thirty'= & reminded him.
>e wined at me. =5ell' now yo# see my sinister motive. Sit down.=
& p#t my hand on the ba! o" the !hair a!ross "rom him' and he said' =8o' not there.=
& hesitated' #ns#re o" what he wanted. 5as & s#pposed to sit in his lap and eat s#shi? The idea
wasn3t #nappealing' b#t it was a little !li!hK. =&s this some weird *on *raper thing?=
>e s!o""ed. =0o# sho#ld now me well eno#gh by now to have more "aith in me.= >e moved aside
a s1#are bla! plate with a tr#ly intimidating arrangement o" sli!ed rolls and patted the destop. =Cp yo#
go.=
& looed down. & was wearing an ivory la!e sater dress' not e-a!tly the length made "or sitting on
dess dem#rely. B#t & had a "eeling he wasn3t aiming "or dem#re. & edged past him and hopped #p'
!are"#l not to sit on or p#t an errant hand in one o" the other plates. & primly !rossed my anles and
ga6ed down at him e-pe!tantly. =5hat do yo# mean' & sho#ld now yo# well eno#gh by now? 5e only
met o""i!ially on +onday. 8ow it3s 4riday.=
=& thin we pa!ed 1#ite a lot o" getting to now ea!h other into o#r night together.= >e slipped his
hand between my nees and p#shed my legs apart. =2pen.=
& too a shay breath. Beneath the dress' & wore la!y !rMme%!olored panties. & hadn3t been on a
p#rpose"#l sed#!tion missionH & $#st lied to mat!h my #nderwear to my o#terwear sometimes. B#t the
panties were aw"#lly thin' and aw"#lly simpy. &" & spread my legs' he was de"initely going to get more
than the standard panty "lash.
=5hat happened to not s!rewing aro#nd at the o""i!e?= & ased' allowing him to slowly part my
thighs.
=& don3t believe & ever said we wo#ldn3t s!rew aro#nd in the o""i!e. & said we(d have to be dis!reet
abo#t it.= >is big hands rested on my inner thighs' and & gasped as he p#shed them wider apart' p#tting
me on total display. =& also don3t believe & said we were going to s!rew aro#nd now.=
=E-plain to me how this isn3t s!rewing aro#nd.= & bit my lip to stop a moan as his "ingertips
simmed over the sheer material o" my panties.
Abr#ptly' he p#lled his hands away and rea!hed "or the plate he3d moved. >e settled it on the des
between my spread thighs and pi!ed #p his !hopsti!s again. Then he smiled #p at me as tho#gh
absol#tely nothing were amiss' s#ppressing what wo#ld #ndo#btedly have been the !o!iest grin in the
history o" maleness. =5e3re eating l#n!h.=
>e li"ted a sli!e o" roll' and & had to physi!ally restrain mysel" "rom snapping at it lie a starving
dog. The se!ond the !ool ri!e and soy paper hit my tong#e' & groaned grate"#lly.
=&3m sorry to mae yo# wait so long'= he said' tr#ly apologeti!. =B#t & wanted to have l#n!h with
yo#. & was hoping to spend some time with yo# this weeend' b#t Emma is going to be in town this
evening thro#gh +onday morning. &3d lie to be able to see her as m#!h as possible while she3s here.=
+y heart san. &3d se!retly been hoping he wo#ld want to hoo #p again on the weeend' b#t &
hadn3t pressed. 5e were eeping it !as#al' and & "ig#red sin!e & wasn3t the one going thro#gh a messy'
stress"#l divor!e' &3d let him tae the lead. Still' it wasn3t lie & tho#ght he sho#ld p#t me above his
da#ghter. & swallowed be"ore answering. =8o worries. &sn3t delayed grati"i!ation s#pposed to be a t#rn
on?=
=*elayed by si- years?= >e po#red some steaming hot sae "rom a !erami! !ara"e and handed me a
!#p' !lining his own against mine be"ore sipping his.
Are we really drinking at work, & ased mysel". 2h well. 5hen in Aome.
>e "ed me two more sli!es' both with distin!tly di""erent tastes and te-t#res. As a meal' it was better
than the salad &3d been planning on getting "rom the b#ilding3s !ommissary. As a se-#al e-perien!e...
Every time he moved' he br#shed against my bare legs. 5hen he rea!hed past me "or something' his
bare "orearm gra6ed my thigh. The ba!s o" his n#!les swept #p my nee as he too "ood "rom the
plate. The entire pro!ess was an e-er!ise in "r#stration. All & wanted was "or him to p#sh my panties
aside and pl#nge his "ingers into me' something he seemed not at all in!lined to do.
& noti!ed the plate o" sashimi' and the !old sli!es o" r#by red' raw t#na. Then a very bi6arre
asso!iation !onne!ted in my mind. =& don3t now i" & want yo# to eat t#na "rom between my legs.=
8eil had been sipping his sae. >e !hoed on it. >e !overed his mo#th with his napin' !o#ghing
and la#ghing at the same time. & !o#ldn3t help b#t la#gh' too' and 1#ipped' =5as that on p#rpose or
something? 5as this all a set#p "or a bad t#na $oe?=
=8oD= >e3d re!overed "rom his violent !o#ghing' b#t his "a!e was still bright red' and his eyes
sparled with h#mor. =8o' it was not. & "orgot & was dealing with a depraved individ#al. &3ll try to plan
o#r en!o#nters with an eye "or avoiding anything yo# might spin into $#venile h#mor.=
=,ood l#! with that.= & leaned down' as his hands !ame #p to dive into my dar hair. #$m so glad #
left it down today' & tho#ght as his mo#th !overed mine and his palm !radled the ba! o" my s#ll. &t
might not seem lie it wo#ld be terribly se-y to iss someone who3s $#st been eating s#shi' and oay'
maybe it wo#ldn3t be my "irst !hoi!e witho#t a toothbr#sh' b#t in the moment & wo#ld have issed him i"
he3d $#st been eating limb#rger !heese. Every =a!!idental= to#!h had set my body on "ire' and the
intima!y o" being so e-posed to him had only ramped #p the sensations abo#t a tho#sand per!ent. >e
issed me slowly and thoro#ghly' and p#lled away with obvio#s regret.
=As m#!h as & wo#ld lie to sweep all o" this onto the "loor and !limb on top o" yo#' that wo#ld
!reate a bit more o" a mess than & wo#ld be !apable o" e-plaining when A#dy !ame to o#r meeting at
three.= >e br#shed his lips a!ross mine on!e more' brie"ly' then p#shed ba! in his !hair. =& have
something "or yo#' sin!e we won3t be seeing ea!h other over the weeend.=
>e t#rned in his !hair and grabbed the i9ad he3d lent to me be"ore.
=There3s some reading material & hoped yo# might loo at. &3ve made notes in the margins.= >e
passed it to me' the s!reen already ill#minated.
& looed down. There were indeed three boos loaded in the eboo app. The )ubmissive$s
!andbook. The Big Book of 'ink. The 7ominant (ind.
=& "elt that be"ore we moved "orward' yo# might want a primer. Then yo#3d be better e1#ipped to
tell me what yo#3d lie to do' and what yo#3re !om"ortable with.= >is voi!e was so"t and low' lie a
!aress' and & shivered. The !over o" one o" the boos showed an artisti! bla! and white photo o" a
woman on her nees' her ba! ar!hed' breasts high' her body held in the position by the intri!ate binding
o" ropes. >er eyes were blind"olded with a pale sash' her mo#th parted as i" in anti!ipation. +y p#ssy
"looded with renewed heat at the tho#ght o" 8eil doing s#!h a thing to me.
=&3ll read these'= & said' a little o#t o" breath "rom the vivid "lash o" "antasy that had assa#lted me. &
tore my eyes away "rom the pi!t#re to meet his am#sed e-pression. .*e"initely./
=&3m glad to hear it. Altho#gh' & don3t e-pe!t yo# to learn everything on yo#r own. &3ll be more than
happy to give yo# some hands%on training.= >e moved the plate between my legs aside and helped me
down "rom the des.
=>ow sel"less o" yo#.= & smiled sweetly at him as he stood.
=& pre"er my partners to be as in"ormed as possible.=
The pl#ral reminded me o" something & new & wo#ld have to as' event#ally. & s#pposed & sho#ld
as it right then. =Speaing o" partners...=
=& thin & now what yo#3re going to as.= >e s!rat!hed the ba! o" his ne!' looing sheepishly
away. =& now yo#3re not looing "or a serio#s relationship' so please' don3t misinterpret my intention
when & tell yo#... & wo#ld rather we ept o#r se-#al relationship monogamo#s.=
5kay4 not the answer # was expecting. 8ot that & minded. =&3m "ine with that. &" one o" #s meets
someone and we3d lie to p#rs#e things we !an $#st... end this.= +y throat !losed #p a little at the
prospe!t. &(d $#st "o#nd him againH how wo#ld & "eel i" 8eil s#ddenly ended things a "ew months down
the road to date somebody? That wo#ld be horrible.
& p#shed those "eelings o" inse!#rity aside. & !o#ldn3t e-pe!t that he remain available to me i" his
needs !hanged' $#st be!a#se & wasn3t ready "or something more. >e !o#ldn(t e-pe!t the same thing o"
me' either. & added 1#i!ly' =Besides' that3s really sa"er.=
=Ah' another point we do need to !over be"ore we go any "#rther. & saw my do!tor on 5ednesday
a"ternoon and had some tests done' the #s#al' yo# now.= >e waved a hand dismissively. =The res#lts
will be in on +onday' b#t & have to apologi6e "or not broa!hing this s#b$e!t sooner. That was
irresponsible' and disrespe!t"#l o" me.= >e !leared his throat and added' =&" yo# wo#ldn3t mind %=
=& a!t#ally $#st had my yearly physi!al abo#t two wees ago. Still haven3t gotten my res#lts'
tho#gh.= & shr#gged. =& ass#me yo# have m#!h better ins#ran!e than & do.=
=0es' one o" the bene"its o" being embarrassingly ri!h is that yo# "ind o#t i" yo# have syphilis m#!h
earlier than the average peasant wo#ld.= >e so#nded mildly e-asperated by the "a!t that &3d re"eren!ed
his wealth again' and & made a mental note to not bring it #p anymore. & was abo#t to apologi6e' when he
added' =Contra!eption is another !on!ern. &3m per"e!tly happy to !ontin#e #sing !ondoms. 9lease don(t
"eel the need to E =
=&3m on the pill.= & shr#gged. =Endometriosis. &" we both get an AP on o#r tests' & g#ess we !o#ld try
it witho#t. 0o# now' event#ally' down the line.=
There was a weighty silen!e between #s' $#st "or a moment' and then a no! at the door interr#pted
#s.
=0es' one moment'= 8eil !alled' !he!ing his wat!h. =*amnit. That will be the editor... &3ve
"orgotten his name.=
=2ne o" o#r editors?= & s1#eaed.
=*on3t give anything away'= he warned !on"idently' as tho#gh he new & was !apable o" playing
this game. >e rea!hed "or a plate on the des. =>ere' tae this with yo#' i" yo#3re still h#ngry.=
9#t entirely o"" my game by the #n"inished eroti! en!o#nter' and the "ear o" being !a#ght' &
st#mbled away in a da6e. & popped the lo! as 1#ietly as & !o#ld' b#t when & opened the door' <ae stood
there with a pe!#liar e-pression.
=Bo!ed door l#n!h?= he ased' his ga6e dropping to the s1#are bla! plate.
=& ordered a bit too m#!h'= 8eil answered "or me' !ool and !as#al as ever. >e was ba! behind his
des' eating his l#n!h as tho#gh & hadn3t $#st been sitting in "ront o" him with my legs wide open.
=9lease' !ome in... <ae?=
& saw the annoyan!e at not being remembered "lash a!ross <ae3s "a!e' and high%tailed it o#t o" the
room.
J J J J
& started reading The Big Book of 'ink on the train home.
& missed my stop and had to ba!tra! on another train.
+ost o" the st#""' & new abo#t already % ,od bless the internet % b#t &3d never !onsidered a!t#ally
doing any o" it. And tr#e to his word' 8eil had added notes to the margins. Copio#s notes. &t was one o"
those that had !a#sed me to miss my stop.
Beside an essay abo#t spaning' he3d pra!ti!ally written an essay o" his own) !ave you any idea
how many times #$ve %erked myself off fantasi-ing about you4 and this, # can still feel my palm smarting
from slapping your cute4 tight little ass. The way you licked your lips before asking me to spank you. #$d
like very much to do it again.
By the time & got ba! to the apartment' my blood was po#nding in my veins' and & hated' hated'
hated the real world "or intr#ding on my se- li"e. & opened the door and >olli !alled' =>eyD= "rom the
!o#!h. She was wat!hing and old episode o" Blind 7ate. =There3s a pa!age "or yo#.=
& went to the little dinette set against the wall' where a medi#m%si6ed shipping !arton sat. & didn3t
re!ogni6e the !ompany that had sent it.
4rowning' & opened the envelope in the plasti! bag sealed to the o#tside o" the bo-. There was a
pa!ing slip with a personal message) A little something to congratulate you on the new %ob. 7o let me
know if you find a use for them. 1eil.
+aybe it sho#ld have bothered me that he was spending so m#!h money on me. B#t & love presents.
Shamelessly' and witho#t reservation. & #sed my apartment ey to brea thro#gh the tape on the bo- as
>olli !ame to stand beside me. She pi!ed #p the note. &n a dementedly !heer"#l sing% song' she said'
=Someone3s got a s#gar daddy.=
=2h' sh#t #p.= & was grinning lie an idiot as & p#lled o#t a bla! bo- with a pi!t#re o" a mae#p
bag' br#shes and prod#!t arrayed aro#nd it.
=5hat new $ob?= >olli ased' looing #p "rom the note' her brow !reased in !on"#sion.
& was e1#ally !on"#sed. & had no idea what the hell 8eil had sent me. +ae#p? 5as this some ind
o" test "or the bea#ty department? And then my eyes "ell on the prod#!t des!ription on the bo-.
=2h my god'= >olli giggled. =Are those se- toys?=
& opened the lid and p#lled o#t a "a!simile powder br#sh with thi!' r#bbery bristles. The base
twisted open "or a battery. & !o#ldn3t believe how something so "#nny !o#ld also be so sweet' and so
se-y.
=0#p.= & la#ghed as & held it o#t to her. =@ibrators' the lot o" them. 2h' no' wait...= & d#g thro#gh the
bo-. =8o' there is also na#ghty st#"" to p#t on yo#r $#n to mae it tingle.=
=& need somebody to mae my $#n tingle'= >olli sighed' !are"#lly dropping the br#sh into the bo-.
=Tell me abo#t this new $obD=
That too some o" the wind o#t o" my sails. *espite the promotion' & "elt more s#!!ess in my se-
li"e than my woring li"e at the moment. &n "a!t' & wasn3t entirely !om"ortable telling >olli the tr#th
abo#t my new $ob' now that she was already as e-!ited "or me as i" & had gotten it on my own. =8eil
o""ered me assistant bea#ty editor.=
=That3s "antasti!D= >olli !a#ght me #p in a !elebratory h#g that was almost too enth#siasti! "or my
weary bones. .5hen were yo# going to tell me?/
Ba#ghing' & stepped ba!. =&t3s not a big deal' it3s ind o" a !onsolation pri6e "or being le"t behind by
,abriella. She p#t me on a !andidate list' and 8eil doesn3t "eel right eeping me on as an assistant when
we3ve slept together. So don3t get too e-!ited.=
>olli3s e-pression "ell at my evident disappointment. She held o#t her arms and h#gged me. =2h'
Soph. That probably means ,abriella was going to give yo# the $ob' anyway. &" she had stayed. And
8eil is smart eno#gh to see that.= Beave it to >olli to p#t a positive spin on what "elt lie a "alsely gotten
gain. &n a last dit!h e""ort to !heer me' she snapped her "ingers and her $aw dropped. =5e sho#ld have a
party to !elebrateD=
>olli lived "or parties. She on!e bo#ght hats and streamers to de!orate "or the !o#!h3s birthday' $#st
to have an e-!#se "or !ae. B#t we hadn3t had a get together in a while now' and with my entire li"e in
#pheaval' it wo#ld probably "eel good to blow o"" a little steam with "riends.
=4ine'= & !on!eded. =B#t hold o"" #ntil ne-t 4riday' at least. And don3t invite a b#n!h o" people "rom
Porteras.9
=4ine. 8on%wor "riends only.= She "rowned. =,od' yo# don3t seem happy abo#t this promotion
lie' at all.=
She3d !a#ght me. & sighed g#iltily. =& $#st "eel lie maybe 8eil gave me the $ob be!a#se... yo#
now.=
>olli new better than to try and p#sh that o"" with platit#des. She was an optimist' b#t not to the
point that she believed she !o#ld bend reality with her positivity. =5ell' yo#3ll have to $#st wor e-tra
hard to prove yo#rsel". B#t $#st to yo#rsel"H yo# don3t have to prove anything to 8eil. Aemember' no one
else nows yo#3ve slept with him. As "ar as everyone in yo#r o""i!e is !on!erned' yo#3re $#st getting
promoted' witho#t all that other st#"" atta!hed.
=0o# now yo# !an do this $ob' Sophie.= She gripped my sho#lders and gave a "irm s1#ee6e. =0o#
now yo#3re right "or this' no matter what someone else might thin abo#t how yo# got the $ob./
&t3s ridi!#lo#s how easily a h#g "rom yo#r best "riend !an mae yo#r sel"%do#bt vanish.
J J J J
&t being 4riday night' >olli had a party to go to. She invited me' b#t & de!lined.
=Abstaining in "avor o" staying home with yo#r new toys?= she !orre!tly observed as she p#t on her
earrings in the mirror by the "ront door.
Sometimes' &3m #tterly blown away by >olli3s bea#ty. &t3s a very bi6arre thing' to live with a model.
She loos lie a normal person ninety per!ent o" the time' b#t when she gets dressed #p to go o#t' it3s
lie the pages o" a maga6ine !ome to li"e in the living room. She was ro!ing a short' se1#ined' navy
t#be dress with a low s!ooping ba! and long sleeves. 9ointed bla! p#mps with tons o" toe !leavage
and a "ive%in!h heel added to her already willowy height.
=0o# loo ama6ing'= & said' with the same earnest appre!iation &3d had "or Cinderella3s loos when &
was "o#r.
=ThansD= >olli smiled at her re"le!tion and t#rned' maing "inger g#ns at me. =0o# s#re & !an3t
tempt yo#?=
& shoo my head. =& have new se- toys and dirty boos. There3s nowhere else & want to be tonight.=
That was a lie' & re"le!ted as she lo!ed the door behind her. &3d rather be #nderneath 8eil in his big
bed at the 5.
& retrieved the pa!age o" se- toys and too it with me to my bedroom. & too o#t ea!h o" the items
one by one' smiling with slight embarrassment. &3d never had a man b#y me something so intimate
be"ore' and it made me all giggly and na#ghty "eeling. And oddly to#!hed. @ibrators disg#ised as
mae#p were really the per"e!t gi"t "or when yo#3re !as#ally "#!ing an assistant bea#ty editor. >e(d p#t
tho#ght into this.
& too a battery "rom my nightstand and slid it into the lipsti!. & t#rned it on and it b#66ed to
s#rprisingly strong li"e in my palm. There were two other vibes' a mas!ara wand with an obs!enely
b#lbo#s tip' and the powder br#sh' as well as several =!ompa!ts= holding !ooling' warming' and
sensiti6ing gels.
B#n!h with 8eil had eyed me #p eno#gh that the vibrations "rom the s#bway had almost set me o""
d#ring my evening !omm#te. The boos and his s!andalo#s messages typed in them? >adn3t helped. &
stripped o#t o" my !lothes and dimmed my bedside lamp. &n the low' golden glow' & lay propped against
my pillows and pressed the vibe against my !lit' sighing in relie" at the dire!t stim#lation.
The note typed in the e%reader !ame ba! to my mind. 8eil had $ered o"" thining abo#t spaning
me? The idea that we3d both been "antasi6ing abo#t ea!h other "or si- years was a heady one. 5as he as
addi!ted to me as & was to him? There hadn3t been a single time in si- years that &3d mast#rbated witho#t
thining abo#t him. Even when &3d been "#!ing someone else' and yes' shame"#lly' even when it was
someone & !ared abo#t' he wo#ld "re1#ently slip into my mind at the !r#!ial moment. +ore o"ten than
not' it had been his voi!e in my memories that tipped me over the pre!ipi!e' and my deepest "ear had
been that & wo#ld sho#t his name as & !lima-ed.
& r#bbed the vibe in slow !ir!les aro#nd my !lit' my "ingers !losing over one hard nipple and
t#gging. & imagined 8eil lying in his bed at the 5' his massive !o! in his "ist' wanting me' thining o"
me' remembering the way &3d s!reamed and writhed in his lap as he3d spaned my ass. & tho#ght o" the
way he3d looed when he3d waled thro#gh the door to "ind me "ingering mysel" "or him. & wished he
!o#ld see me now' getting mysel" o"" with his present.
+y eyes "lew open. >e could see me. &" & too a pi!t#re.
& set the vibe aside' my !lit a!hing as & sprinted "rom the room' thro#gh the empty living room' to
where my digital !amera h#ng in its bag on the !oat ra!. & was so not doing this with my phone' at the
ris o" sending it to 4a!eboo or something by a!!ident.
& ra!ed ba! to my bed and lay ba!. Be"ore & pi!ed #p the lipsti! vibe' tho#gh' & rea!hed "or the
sensiti6ing !ream in the !ompa!t. &t didn3t "eel #nlie lipgloss as & tested its slip between my th#mb'
inde-' and middle "ingers. & sli!ed it over my !lit' r#bbing it in' savoring the so#nd o" the !ream % and
my own !ream % moving beneath my "ingers.
+y hands shoo as & t#rned on the vibrator and nestled the length o" red plasti! between my labia. &
drew my nees #p so that my "eet rested "lat against the bed' and moved my pelvis in small' !are"#l
!ir!les. & wanted more !onta!t' wanted to !ome' b#t & wanted to wait.
& wanted him to see.
& leaned my "orearm against my nee' so the !amera wo#ldn3t shae. Then' slowly' & drew my hand
down my body' my breath speeding #ntil & was panting' my "ingers spreading my labia on either side o"
the vibrator. & gasped and twisted my hips' too aware o" the tingling' hot sensation as my most sensitive
area absorbed the salve. +y p#lse po#nded in my pleasantly swollen "lesh' as i" every mole!#le in my
body were r#shing dire!tly to the so#r!e o" my pleas#re. The stim#lation o" the power"#l vibration was
nearly too m#!h. & p#shed the tip harder against me and !#rled my toes' my entire body going still in the
gripping sho!s that radiated "rom my !lit as my release shot thro#gh me. +y legs shoo' & sho#ted'
=2h' "#!D= and snapped the photo.
& laid there "or a long time' the !amera in one hand' the vibrator in the other' still r#nning. &t was its
!heer"#l b#66 that "or!ed me to sit #p and "inally t#rn it o"". 9#shing sweat%damp hair ba! "rom my
"a!e' & slid the b#tton on the ba! o" my !amera to display the last pi!t#re taen.
5hen & saw the photo o" my labia spread obs!enely aro#nd the sha"t o" the se- toy' & almost lost my
nerve. +y !lit was nearly as red as the bright plasti! pressed against it' and my sin and p#bi! hair
glistened with the greasy sheen o" the !ream. Two "ingers in a v p#lled ba! my "olds' and they were
wet and shiny' as well.
& !o#ldn3t give that photo to him' s#rely. & wo#ld die o" shame i" anyone ever saw it. & was !lose to
deleting it when & imagined his rea!tion. That stilled my th#mb over the b#tton.
8eil wanted me. & didn3t need any "#rther proo" than what he3d already given me. 5e3d been lovers
"or si- years % altho#gh all b#t two nights o" those years had been spent apart' and witho#t me nowing
his real name. 5e3d been given the most serendipito#s !han!e to ind#lge o#rselves in ea!h other all over
again. & had to tae the "#ll e-perien!e.
The only problem was getting the photo to him. >e was spending time with his da#ghterH & didn3t
want to spring this on him via !ell phone d#ring that. & !onsidered email' b#t that seemed a bit risy' and
& didn3t now i" he3d open it on the !ompany server' whi!h !o#ld lead to some embarrassing
!ompli!ations.
& looed to the i9ad sitting on my dresser' and a tr#ly evil tho#ght o!!#rred to me.
& had never looed so "orward to the end o" the weeend in my li"e.
Chapter 8ine
A"ter a weeend o" restless nights' & was more than ready to see 8eil again. & was on high alert "rom
the moment my eyes opened on +onday morning. & showered' dressed' and !omm#ted on total
a#topilot' the words o" the man#als & had po#red over "li!ering thro#gh my mind. 8eil(s tri! with the
s#shi on 4riday seemed to have "lipped the swit!h on my libido to "#ll power' and he was the only
person !apable o" ret#rning me to "a!tory settings. Believe me' &(d tried' over and over' with the toys
he(d sent me. B#t no matter how many times &(d !ome' & was still miserably t#rned on.
& spotted him as & !ame #p the steps "rom the s#bway station a!ross the street "rom the o""i!e. >e
stood beside his +ayba!h in the early morning light' smiling in a way &3d never seen be"ore. >e opened
the rear passenger door' and & saw the reason "or his ind e-pression.
A woman my age stepped o#t o" the !ar. &t was EmmaH & had no do#bt. +y heart st#! in my !hest.
She was an earthy sort o" pretty' her blonde hair "alling in a messy bob below her newsboy !ap' and she
wore a distressed denim $a!et that was $#st a little too big "or her. She looed so !ool and ind o" lie a
ro! star' and at the same time very m#!h lie someone3s da#ghter as she rea!hed #p "or an easy h#g
"rom her "ather.
& "elt lie a voye#r. This was a part o" 8eil3s li"e he hadn3t invited me into. Even tho#gh &3d
inno!ently witnessed the tender s!ene' & "elt lie & was intentionally snooping. & ept my head down and
hoped he wo#ldn3t noti!e me as & !rossed the street and !harged #p the wide steps.
& !o#ldn3t help b#t overhear him as' =0o#3ll !all me when yo# land?=
& heard her reply' in an a!!ent that almost mat!hed her "ather3s' =0es' o" !o#rse. B#t &3m not "lying
the plane. 0o# needn3t worry abo#t me' &3ll be on @ali#m in the ba!.=
The rest o" the !onversation was le"t behind me when & slipped thro#gh the revolving glass door and
into the b#ilding(s lobby. & gave my pass to the se!#rity g#ard at the des and ept moving. &t was while
& stood' waiting "or the elevator' that & be!ame a!#tely aware o" 8eil3s s!ent' and his presen!e behind me.
& had memori6ed his !ologne witho#t reali6ing it' had learned the pit!h o" his breathing.
+y head reeled. 5ere these things &3d $#st pi!ed #p on in the last "ive days? &" so' what the hell
was wrong with me? 2r were they something &3d !l#ng to sin!e that night si- years ago' "ine t#ning in
my s#b!ons!io#s this entire time? And i" that were the !ase' what the hell was even more wrong with
me?
=,ood morning' +s. S!ai"e'= he said evenly' and & t#rned my head. >e was !loser than & had
e-pe!ted him to be' and abo#t to be !loser when the doors opened and we stepped in to the elevator
together.
=+orning'= & managed to ret#rn as we stood sho#lder to sho#lder with sta"" "rom Porteras and a "ew
people "rom other b#sinesses in the b#ilding. =*id yo# have a ni!e weeend?= he ased benignly' his
ga6e "i-ed on the n#mbers over the doors. 5e stopped on!e and three people got o""' leaving "o#r o" #s.
Cn"ort#nately' the other two were both "rom Porteras' and they were listening to every word o" o#r
!onversation. 8ot be!a#se & was so "as!inating. & wasn3t so egotisti!al to thin their eavesdropping had
anything to do with me. They were listening be!a#se 8eil was their new boss' and they were trying to
get a handle on his !hara!ter.
8eil had to eep #p his part' too' pretending not to noti!e them. 5hi!h is why & "elt a sliver o" pity
"or him when & responded with a !hipper' =& did. & $#st lay in bed and read' all weeend long.=
& saw a "aint "l#sh !reep $#st above his !ollar. & s#ppressed a smir.
5hen we got to the o""i!e' *e$a was waiting o#tside' holding a st#dded leather sat!hel in lie# o" a
brie"!ase. She beamed at #s. =Aeporting "or d#ty.=
=,ood morning' +s. 5illiams'= 8eil greeted her.
=0o# !an !all me *e$a' &3m not too "ormal.= She shoo his hand' and then mine' maing a "inger
g#n at me as she sear!hed "or my name. =Sophia' right?=
=Sophie. @ery !lose.=
&nside' & too 8eil3s !oat be"ore & h#ng #p my own' and showed *e$a whi!h hanger to #se. =&3m
r#nning late. Again.= & whispered to her. =& #s#ally never am' b#t it3s been a hell o" a wee' with the
taeover.=
=Big !hange "rom Auto +atch?/ she ased.
& pa#sed. & wasn3t s#re what she was asing. =E-!#se me?=
=0o# now' where yo# g#ys wored be"ore the Porteras sale?= She seemed to get that & wasn3t
getting it' and we both stood lo!ed in a moment o" !on"#sion be"ore a reali6ation visibly hit her. =*idn3t
yo# !ome here with +r. Elwood? 4rom his !ar maga6ine?=
=2hD= & shoo my head' relieved that o#r mis!omm#ni!ation was over. =8o. 8o' & #sed to be
,abriella 5inters3s assistant here. &3ve only been woring "or 8eil "or lie "ive days.= & 1#i!ly
amended' =+r. Elwood. & mean.=
The morning got tied #p showing *e$a aro#nd the o""i!e' introd#!ing her to people' r#nning over
how the phones and intero""i!e messenger system wored. As & went thro#gh my tass "or the day' &
painstaingly e-plained the Porteras pro!ed#res to her. 8ot on!e did she stop me or tell me she new
what she was doing and didn3t need my help' whi!h was a ni!e !hange "rom some o" the people who3d
served % brie"ly % as se!ond assistant to ,abriella. *e$a was serio#s abo#t doing a good $ob' and she
wasn3t interested in proving that she was better than me. & lied her more every min#te.
At eleven%thirty' A#dy bree6ed into the o""i!e and anno#n!ed that it was e-tremely #rgent that he
see 8eil. 5hile A#dy introd#!ed himsel" to *e$a and gave her the third degree on her ba!gro#nd' &
went to 8eil3s door and no!ed. & !o#ld have !alled himH it wo#ld have been easier' b#t all day long &3d
been desperate to get a moment alone with him. &3d le"t the i9ad on his des' b#t people had been in and
o#t o" meetings with him all morning. & had no idea i" he3d had a !han!e to loo at the s#rprise new
wallpaper image.
=Come in'= he !alled' and & got my answer almost immediately when & stepped inside.
=Close the door'= he said gr#""ly' rising "rom his !hair and !oming toward me. & did as & was told
and popped the lo!. 5hen & t#rned' he was already at my side.
=&" things are too intense' or yo#3re #n!om"ortable' yo# !an say 3red3 to stop !ompletely' 3yellow3 to
dial things ba! a bit.= >e whispered beside my ear' so *e$a and A#dy wo#ldn3t hear beyond the door.
=Bie a tra""i! light'= he !lari"ied. .*o yo# #nderstand?/
.& do'/ & said breathless' leaning into him.
>e dragged me "rom the door % with a "irm grip on both my wrists E to the des. 5ith a hand
!lamped on the ba! o" my ne!' he bent me over and $ered #p my bla! leather pen!il sirt. & wore
te-t#red bla! tights beneath it' and he gripped the !rot!h o" them as he leaned low over my ba!.
& raised my head $#st bit and blew a strand o" hair o#t o" my mo#th. =5hat does green mean' then?=
& "elt his lips !#rve into a smile against my ear. =&t wo#ld mean 3pro!eed.3 <#st lie a tra""i! light' as &
said.=
>is "ingers were twisting the "abri! o" my tights' and my body was hyper aware o" the hard edge o"
the des grinding into the "ronts o" my thighs.
& wriggled a little in his hold and said' =,reen.=
4aster than & !o#ld anti!ipate his movement' he ripped the !rot!h o" my tights' "o#nd my panties and
p#shed them aside. 5hen he en!o#ntered my wet' willing "lesh' he $ammed two "ingers in ro#ghly' and
a strangled sob es!aped me.
Calmly' he rea!hed "or the phone and dialed the des o#tside. =*e$a? Tell A#dy &3ll meet him at the
!ar... 8o' it3s not #rgent. RCrgent( is !ode' he $#st wants to go "or a drin. Tell him &3m on to him' and &3ll
be down in "ive min#tes. & have to go over my s!hed#le "or the rest o" the wee with Sophie' & won(t
have time later... 8o' not now. 0o# stay by the phone' Sophie !an show yo# when we(re "inished.=
& listened to whole e-!hange' the air !r#shed o#t o" me by the des' my p#lse in my ears % and other
parts % almost drowning o#t the so#nd o" their !onversation. >is "ingers stayed still in me' as deep as
they wo#ld go' #ntil & was "airly !ertain &3d taen in his n#!les' too. 5hite%hot spars o" mingled
pleas#re and pain s#rged thro#gh me. & tho#ght & might !ome "rom the press#re alone' and wondered
how reasonably 1#iet & !o#ld stay i" that happened.
>e leaned ba! down and issed the shell o" my ear' tender in !ontrast his body pinning mine. =&
see yo# en$oyed the gi"t & sent yo#.=
& whimpered' trying to ro! my hips' to relieve the press#re. >e didn3t let me move' b#t he did
slowly !ir!le his "ingers inside me.
=And yo# read the boos. 0o# even p#t notes in the margins./ >e s#!ed my earlobe between his
teeth and nibbled. +y whole body sh#ddered. =There was one note in parti!#lar that & lied very m#!h.
Shall & read it to yo#?=
& nodded' and held ba! a mewl o" disappointment as he let me #p and eased his "ingers "rom my
!#nt. >e pi!ed #p the i9ad and t#rned on the s!reen' then opened the boo. =>ere' in the se!tion abo#t
determining what type o" s#bmissive yo# are...=
+y breath !a#ght a#dibly. >e looed #p' a small' !rooed smile !rossing his lips. =0o#3ve written'
3yo#rs.3 5hat do yo# mean by that' Sophie?=
=& don3t now what else to !all it.= & swallowed' and wet my s#ddenly very dry lips. & !o#ld do a lot
o" things with him that & wo#ld have never e-pe!ted mysel" !apable o" doing with another person' b#t
admitting that o#t lo#d? & !o#ldn3t even loo at him. & wo#ld have to wor on that. +aybe a time when
my stoma!h didn3t "eel absol#tely si! with denied desire. =5hen we3re together' &... & don3t $#st lie to
be !ontrolled' & need to be !ompletely !ontrolled. And it isn(t something &(ve wanted with another man'
or wo#ld want with another man. & want yo# to dominate me. & don(t want anyone else doing these
things to me. <#st yo#. 0o# mae me "eel things &3ve never imagined "eeling. & want more o" that. & want
to be... yo#rs. Totally #nder yo#r !ontrol. And that s!ares the hell o#t o" me./
& looed #p. 5hen my eyes met his' & was sho!ed to see tenderness in his ga6e. +y entire body
was trembling. & was so "r#strated at losing his to#!h that & tho#ght & wo#ld weep. +aybe it was the
"ran way &3d $#st had to spea to him' or the heightened danger that someone might try to wal into the
room and !at!h #s. +aybe it was the entire weeend' "#ll o" #n"#l"illed longing and highly se-#al
reading material. & was shaing all over' lie a dr#g addi!t denied a "i-.
=2h' Sophie.= >is voi!e was raw and strained. >e looed "or a moment as tho#gh he didn3t now
what to do. Striding over to me' he too my 1#ivering body in his arms and p#lled me into his lap as he
sat down. >is hand "o#nd its way between my thighs' gentler this time' his "ingertips parting me to !ir!le
my !lit. & !l#ng to him' my arms aro#nd his ne!' my "a!e b#ried against his sho#lder' sti"ling my
relieved sobs into his shirt. Tears streamed down my "a!e. & was embarrassed at how m#!h & wanted
him' that my emotions had gotten the better o" me. & !ame with a "#ll%body sh#dder' breathing in the
s!ent o" his !ologne' reveling in the to#!h o" his bare sin #nder my wrists.
&t was e-a!tly what & needed' to !ome "rom his to#!h' not a plasti! toy or my own hand. & needed it
to be him' to get my release #nder his total !ontrol.
>e smoothed my sirt down and p#lled ba!' $#st eno#gh that he !o#ld loo into my eyes. =Better?/
& nodded' a ragged breath es!aping me.
.Sophie' & am so sorry.=
& slid "rom his lap and wiped my eyes' hating that he !o#ld plainly see the tear tra!s on my !hees.
+y mae#p wo#ld be wre!ed' & was s#re o" it. =8o' &3m sorry. & didn3t mean to !ry. & swear' &3m not
psy!ho E=
=2" !o#rse yo#3re not.= >e seemed p#t o#t at the very s#ggestion.
=This is entirely my "a#lt. & teased yo# on 4riday' sent yo# home with boos to groom yo# in the
s#bmissive mindset then & sprang this on yo#' nowing that yo#(re ine-perien!ed. 0o# weren(t at all
prepared "or what yo# "elt.=
=B#t it didn3t bother me'= & insisted. &t really hadn3t. .&" someone told me that getting p#shed over a
des and ro#ghly "ingered wo#ld be the highlight o" my worday' & wo#ld high%"ive mysel". & !an handle
this. Aeally' & !an.=
=&t isn(t a matter o" will power. 0o# needn(t be ashamed. &(m the one who sho#ld be.= >e e-amined
the spot o" mas!ara on his shirt then !are"#lly donned his $a!et to !over it. =&t was irresponsible and
sel"ish o" me to tae things too "ar' be"ore yo# were ready.=
& stood awwardly in "ront o" his des' not nowing what & sho#ld do' or how & sho#ld respond. &
never "elt this way with anyone else. +y brain was #s#ally woring a mile a min#te' staying a "ew steps
ahead. 8ow' it seemed lie it was sh#t o"".
=5ill yo# !ome over tonight?= >e ased' p#lling the bla! ey !ard "rom his wallet. =To tal? 8o
e-pe!tation o" se-./
.2" !o#rse./ & too the !ard "rom him.
.,ood. Aight now' &3d lie yo# to tae the rest o" the day o"".=
=That3s not ne!essary'= & said 1#i!ly' swiping at my !hees. ,od' & "elt lie s#!h an ass. =& !an p#ll
mysel" together.=
=& now yo# !an.= >e !ame to stand beside me' his hand on my #pper arm' stroing me thro#gh my
shirt. >is voi!e was low and patient. =This isn3t be!a#se o" anything yo#3ve done. &t3s be!a#se o" what
&3ve done' and &3d lie to mae it right. 5hat yo#3re "eeling is the res#lt o" bad behavior on my part. &t(s
!alled s#b drop' &(m s#re yo# read abo#t it in the boos & gave yo#?/
.0eah./ & had read abo#t it' b#t &(d ind o" simmed over it. .& tho#ght maybe it wo#ldn(t apply to
me be!a#se &(m.../
.Capable o" !ontrolling yo#r emotions thro#gh sheer "or!e o" will?/ 8eil ased with a raised
eyebrow.
& sni""led miserably.
.Sometimes' it(s #navoidable. B#t this was. & sho#ld have taen more time with yo# be"ore diving
straight ahead with all this. And now &(m not able to properly handle the sit#ation be!a#se & was st#pid
eno#gh to !a#se it at wor. 9lease' tae the day o"". Consider it a gi"t "rom me. 0o#3ll still be paid. &3m
s#re *e$a is more than e1#ipped to r#n the o""i!e "or hal" a day' and we !an meet tonight at my s#ite and
tal more. B#t in the meantime' please tae !are o" yo#rsel". & "eel terrible that & !an(t do more at the
moment.=
=Are yo# s#re?= & was still hesitant to tae any spe!ial treatment. ,oing home and getting a hot bath
and a nap did so#nd tempting' tho#gh. =& mean' &3ll go' b#t E .
=Porteras hasn3t "ailed in "i"ty years' & do#bt it will on the one day yo#3re not present to hold the
pla!e together.= >e leaned down and issed my !hee. >is "a!e was m#!h so"ter midday than in the
evening' witho#t sharp "ive%o%!lo! shadow on it' and & lied that he let his lips linger a to#!h longer
than he had to "or a !as#al pe!.
=,ive yo#rsel" a moment. &3ll leave "irst' and tell *e$a yo#3re not "eeling well. And &(ll see yo#
tonight.= >e gave my arm a gentle s1#ee6e then waled away' leaving the o""i!e door open a !ra!
behind him.
& waited a "ew min#tes' #ntil & new he had le"t. >e3d taen down the de!orative mirror that
,abriella had hanging behind her des' so & sat down to his !omp#ter and woe #p the s!reen.
&mmediately' & saw 9hoto Booth open in the do!.
=0o#3re $#st as vain as the rest o" #s' +r. Elwood'= & said #nder my breath. =0o#3re $#st sneaier
abo#t it.=
& !he!ed my "a!e on the s!reen and dabbed aro#nd my eyes with a tiss#e. &t didn3t loo too bad. &
shoo my sho#lders and too a deep' !leansing breath be"ore heading o#t to my des.
=>ey' is everything oay?= *e$a ased as soon as & emerged. She3d been sitting in my !hair' b#t
immediately got #p and motioned me over.
& nodded' morti"ied. =&3m "ine. &3m $#st... not "eeling great. &3m going to go home.=
=*id he #pset yo# in there?= >er head t#rned $#st slightly' as i" she were abo#t to ba! away. =&
don3t want to wor "or a yeller.=
=>e3s not a yeller. >e(s not mean' &3m $#st...= & didn3t want to lie to *e$a' b#t obvio#sly & !o#ldn3t tell
her the whole tr#th. & 1#i!ly settled on' =&3m $#st having a hard time with this whole !ompany taeover
thing. & really lied my old boss.=
=& get that' believe me.= She gave me a !losed%lipped smile o" #nderstanding as she nodded her
head. =See' & tho#ght yo# were #pset be!a#se &3m here' taing over yo#r old $ob' and yo# really lied +r.
Elwood or something. & tho#ght yo# g#ys had wored together "or a long time.=
=8o' we3ve $#st nown ea!h other "or a while.= That didn3t so#nd too bad. 9eople met and did not
"#! ea!h other every day.
She !rossed her arms' !omprehension dawning on her "a!e. =2ay. 2ay' that e-plains it.=
=E-plains what?= Go4 go4 %ust go4 don$t become friends because you$ll be tempted to tell her too
much %ust go %
=&3m not s#re & sho#ld say anything.= She pressed the "ingertips o" one hand to her "orehead. =This is
embarrassing' b#t & ind o" got the impression that yo# g#ys were... & don3t now. 9laying <ames Spader
and +aggie ,yllenhaal in there.=
& new my mo#th was hanging open' and & hoped she too it "or sho! be!a#se the idea had never
o!!#rred or was revolting to me. =5ow' yo# have a very good imagination.=
&3d said =imagination= and not =int#ition'= right?
=0eah' a little too good. &3m sorry. &3m not trying to say anything abo#t yo# or yo#r ethi!s. At all.=
She shoo her head. =&3m sorry' let3s start over. >i' &3m *e$a.=
& "or!ed a la#gh' and hoped it didn3t so#nd too psy!hoti!. =&t3s oay. 8o o""ense taen.=
=8o' that was o""%sides.= She shr#gged. =&t3s $#st... have yo# noti!ed the way he loos at yo#? And
he3s always looing at yo#.=
=8o' & never noti!ed.= & s#ddenly remembered how very si! & was s#pposed to be. & blined and
pressed a hand to my temple. =&3m sorry' & have $#st the most !r#shing migraine' and the lights are going
to drive me boners. Are yo# going to be oay here today?=
=&3ll be "ineH & thin & have this #nder !ontrol.= She patted the des. =&3ll see yo# tomorrow?=
=0#p.= B#t tomorrow' &3d be s#re to wear my romanti!%spe!#lation%proo" ha6mat s#it.
J J J J
A long a"ternoon o"" restored me' $#st lie 8eil had predi!ted. & was still "#rio#sly embarrassed at
how the morning had t#rned o#t' and disappointed in mysel" "or being so strangely emotional abo#t se-.
2ay' yeah' the boos had mentioned that heightened endorphins and st#"" !o#ld mess with my
emotions. B#t & was #s#ally b#lletproo" when it !ame to separating se- "rom "eelings.
5hen & arrived at eight' & entered the s#ite and heard the so#nd o" the shower r#nning in the lo"t.
*avid Bowie3s =Bady Stard#st= played over the so#nd system thro#gho#t the room' lo#d eno#gh that &
pitied 8eil(s temporary neighbors.
& wondered i" & sho#ld stay downstairs' or go #p and $oin him. B#t he3d wanted to tal tonight.
+aybe he didn3t want se- at all? & wasn3t s#re where we stood on that s#b$e!t at the moment. Still' & p#t
down the bags o" taeo#t &3d bro#ght along' slipped o"" my !oat' and headed #p the stairs.
The shower in the bathroom was =E#ropean= style. 5hi!h & g#ess means that all o" E#rope loves
spilling gallons o" water dire!tly on their bathroom "loors. 5hen &3d #sed the damn thing' & hadn3t 1#ite
gotten the tri! o" it' and wo#ld have m#!h pre"erred a !#rtain to the single glass wall.
& revised that opinion' when & reali6ed what a great view it gave me.
8eil stood beneath the spray' his hair sli!ed ba! "rom his "a!e. The single overhead light !ast
shadows on his body' deepening the lines o" m#s!le in his ba! and legs. B#t the best part o" !at!hing
8eil in the shower was' hands down' the lo#d' aw"#l singing. &3d always remembered him as being
!omposed and !r#shingly !ool' and interr#pting his se!ret bathroom ro! star moment !ompletely
destroyed all that. >e was $#st a g#y' with the same goo"y habits and bad shower singing the rest o" #s
had. & was so relieved to dis!over this' & giggled to mysel"' and he t#rned his head' startled. >is
momentary e-pression o" sho! immediately trans"ormed into bash"#l la#ghter as he wiped water "rom
his eyes.
=&3m "airly !ertain that spying on a !oworer in the shower is against the Porteras se-#al harassment
poli!y.= >e t#rned o"" the water and rea!hed o#t "or a towel to wrap aro#nd his waist.
=& thin "ingering them on yo#r des might also be a no%no. &3m not saying that two wrongs mae a
right...= & lost my train o" tho#ght as he !ame toward me' towel riding low on his hips. >e rea!hed "or
me' and & dodged him. =8oD 0o#3re all wet. And & have taeo#t downstairs' so don3t dawdle.=
& h#rried to the living area' where & started #npa!ing !artons "rom the plasti! bags &3d !arried it in.
8eil was down $#st a "ew moments later' bare"oot' bare !hested' !lad only in his bla! !otton sleep
pants. >e leaned over my sho#lder' hair still dripping "rom the shower.
=5hat is all this?= he ased' dropping a 1#i!' wet iss on my ne!. & s1#ealed and tilted my head
away to avoid the now !old drops !linging to him.
=&t3s me' paying yo# ba! "or the b#rgers the other night. & hope yo# lie greasy' bad Chinese.= &
popped one o" the !ontainers open and inhaled the s!ent o" syr#py orange !hi!en.
=The worse' the better.= >e sat on the !o#!h' grinning #p at me. =0o# loo lie yo#3re "eeling well
again.=
=& am.= & gave him a little smile. =&3m sorry abo#t earlier' & was s#!h a !omplete ass./
=8o' no' it was my "a#lt' entirely.= >is brows drew together. =& sometimes mistae yo#r...
enth#siasm "or e-perien!e. & now that yo#3re game to try new things' and that e-!ites me. This time' to
the point where & didn3t e-er!ise good $#dgment.=
=&3m not #s#ally that emotional abo#t se-. &3m pretty good at sh#tting down that part o" me entirely.=
9#t bl#ntly lie that' it so#nded sort o" patheti!. =5hat & mean %/
=*on3t be silly' Sophie. & don(t want yo# to !ompletely separate yo#r emotions "rom se-.= >is tone
so"tened. .&n my e-perien!e it doesn(t mae "or very good se-. >appiness' at the very least' sho#ld be an
emotional side e""e!t o" se-./
>e had me there. &3d never had anything !lose to a great se- li"e' only $#st servi!eable. & sighed.
=2ay' yo#3re right. & was emotional. & was emotional abo#t se- with you. &t3s $#st... & "eel lie &3ve been
sober "or si- years' and now &3ve "allen o"" the wagon. &3m !ompletely hooed on yo#. &t3s terri"ying.=
=Agreed.= >e rea!hed "or my hand and p#lled me down to sit beside him. &t "elt strange to have all
my !lothes on' pressed against his bare sin. &3d !ome over in some tight%legged $eans and a striped bl#e
sweater' totally !as#al' b#t & still managed to somehow be overdressed.
=& "eel the same way. &t is a heady thing' and !on"#sing' when &3m trying to separate yo# "rom the
Sophie who3s been on my mind "or si- years.= >e la!ed o#r "ingers together as he !ontin#ed' =& had the
two o" yo# mi-ed%#p this morning. & sprang some very ro#gh play on yo#' in an #n#s#al setting' witho#t
!ons#lting yo# "irst. &3m very sorry' and i" yo# do wish to !ontin#e this relationship' yo# !an tr#st me not
to mae the same mistae in the "#t#re.=
=&" & wish to !ontin#e?= & sat #p a bit' alarmed' my elbow bra!ed against the low ba! o" the so"a.
=&"?=
=& never want yo# to "eel trapped with me'= he admitted. =And & don(t want yo# to "orge ahead as
my s#bmissive despite misgivings. &" at any time yo# "ind this arrangement isn3t woring' & want yo# to
be !om"ortable telling me' whether yo# want to remove $#st the s#bmission element or get o#t entirely.
&3m not going to do anything vindi!tive or e-treme abo#t it.=
& i!ed o"" my ballet "lat and ran my painted toes over his big' bare "oot. .& read abo#t that orgasm
denial thing' in The Big Book of 'ink. & tho#ght that was what yo# were doing. B#t it(s s#pposed to be a
p#nishment' right?/
=&t !an be #sed as a p#nishment' b#t & pre"er it as a game all on its own.= 5ith his other hand' he
rea!hed #p and smoothed ba! a "ew errant strands o" my hair that had es!aped my messy top not. >is
"ingers sated down my $aw as he lowered his hand. =As a matter o" "a!t' there are some rather
interesting things yo# !an do with mental !onditioning and orgasm training' tho#gh the boos & gave yo#
didn3t go in%depth. And & wo#ld never initiate s#!h an a!tivity witho#t yo#r e-press !onsent.=
=5hat ind o" things !an yo# do?= & noti!ed s#ddenly how warm my "a!e was' how my p#lse was
"l#ttering with anti!ipation. & was totally t#rned%on' b#t & didn(t remember how & got that way. & g#ess
aro#nd him' & was in a !onstant state o" se-#al readiness.
>is answer was m#!h more !lini!al than & e-pe!ted) =Training yo#r body to respond to a !ertain
pattern o" to#!hes' or a verbal !#e' so that yo# !an !lima- on !ommand.=
The so#nd o" his voi!e already made me !len!h in anti!ipation' so & !o#ld easily imagine him being
able to mae me !ome "rom a word alone. =That seems lie it !o#ld be ind o" dangero#s. 5hat i" yo#
made me get o"" when we were o#t in p#bli! or something?=
=& wo#ld only do that i" yo# ased me to'= he said so"tly. =That sort o" e-er!ise taes an e-treme
amo#nt o" tr#st. 5e !an revisit the idea another time. Tonight' let3s $#st start with the basi!s. 2nly i" yo#
want to' o" !o#rse.=
=Cm' yeah. & pretty m#!h wanted to "#! yo# when yo# were in the shower'/ & said' sho!ing my
own ears with my bl#ntness. .B#t "irst' let3s eat.=
&t seemed !o#nter int#itive to st#"" my "a!e with !heap taeo#t i" & wanted to "eel se-y' b#t & was
starving' and the so#nd o" my empty stoma!h wo#ld probably not mae a good so#ndtra! to an eroti!
interl#de.
5e sat on the !o#!h' happily digging thro#gh !artons with o#r !hopsti!s' when s#ddenly a tho#ght
o!!#rred to me. =2h my god' &3m so sorry. 0o# said at the o""i!e that yo# don3t eat st#"" "#ll o" sodi#m.=
=A#les are made to be broen. 2!!asionally'= he amended with a g#ilty pa#se.
The 1#iet reservation in his answer pri!ed at me. =0o# ate a b#rger the other night' too' a"ter yo#
said no red meat.=
=& try to be !ons!ientio#s o" my health most o" the time'= he said wearily. =B#t it3s damned
depressing when &3m sitting ne-t to someone who was born the same year my metabolism deserted me.
+y "ather died in his "i"ties' and &(m aware that the !lo! is ti!ing "or me' too. So & try to stay healthy
and avoid things & sho#ldn(t have. Bad "oods' stress' the lot o" it. B#t the odd ind#lgen!e won3t ill me.=
& "elt lie an asshole "or bringing #p a s#b$e!t that was !learly to#!hy to him. & pl#!ed a !h#n o"
bro!!oli "rom the !ontainer o" bee" stir%"ry and held it o#t to him. .>eyD & "o#nd 8eil "ood.=
>e gave me a very stern loo' b#t !o#ldn3t eep it #p "or long' and we la#ghed as & "ed him a bite.
=Cgh' &3m st#""ed.= & patted my stoma!h' whi!h was slightly ro#nder a"ter my s!ar"ed down meal. =&
hope yo# lie a woman with a potbelly.=
=& lie yo#'= he said' 1#ite serio#s as he sipped "rom his glass o" water. =Any way & might have
yo#.=
=5ell' we have that in !ommon.= & grinned at him. .2hD & got my paperwor in the mail todayD= &
hopped #p "rom the !o#!h' "ig#ring & !o#ld e-plain away his p#66led e-pression easier with the
do!#mentation in hand. & retrieved the torn 9lanned 9arenthood envelope "rom my p#rse and bro#ght it
to him.
=Certi"ied disease "ree.= & handed over the print o#t. =5ell' the diseases they tested "or. & !o#ld still
have T#ber!#losis or something.=
>is ga6e "li!ed #p to me be"ore he brie"ly s!anned the page. =<#st a moment' & have mine' as well.=
>e set his "ood aside and wiped his mo#th with one o" the !hint6y paper napins "rom the bag. Then
he rose and retrieved his i9ad "rom the !o#nter by the wet bar. 5hen he handed it to me' & whistled'
impressed. =0o#r do!tor emails yo#?=
=&t3s an online !hart' it will tell yo# everything yo# need to now.= >e pa#sed. =And then some' so
don3t...=
=*ig aro#nd in yo#r "as!inating medi!al history? &3ll try to restrain mysel".= & looed over the
pertinent in"ormation' noting with interest that his height was listed at L3 2=' his weight one%h#ndred
seventy%eight po#nds. =2ay. So... now that that3s o#t o" the way' and we !overed the whole s#b drop
iss#e...=
>e smiled as my ga6e dri"ted #p to the lo"t. Ch#!ling so"tly' he said' =&3ve pi!ed #p on yo#r s#btle
hint.=
& waled ahead o" him #p the stairs' grate"#l that my b#tt always loos so good in $eans. =& hope the
bedroom isn3t too 3vanilla3 "or yo#'= & said' maing air 1#otes as & gained the top step.
=Anything we do here will be "airly vanilla'= he ass#red me. =0o#3re not ready "or e-treme. Besides'
& don3t have rope or a paddle' & don(t e-a!tly travel with them./
>e was going to paddle me event#ally? A s#dden r#sh o" heat made me re"le-ively press my thighs
together. =5ell... yo# have yo#r hand. And a belt.=
>is !losed%lip smile sent a wave o" p#re l#st thro#gh me' so power"#l my mo#th dropped open and
my breaths be!ame more prono#n!ed' my !hest rising and "alling visibly as he slowly waled toward
me. The tight sin o" his bare sho#lders gleamed' so did his eyes as he looed down at me. &t was so
strange' how di""erent he !o#ld be "rom one min#te to the ne-t. &3d read abo#t that' too' the mindsets
involved in *omination and s#bmission. & wondered i" & seemed di""erent to him' too.
The "a!t that & was too timid to as ind o" !l#ed me in that & probably did.
5ith one "inger' he tra!ed the long tendril o" a "allen lo! o" hair down my ne!' to my !ollarbone.
=&" & #sed a belt on yo#' yo# wo#ldn3t sit down "or a wee.=
+y eyes "l#ttered !losed as a shiver o" anti!ipation ra!ed down my arms. & had to get mysel" #nder
some ind o" !ontrol. *idn3t &? 2r !o#ld he $#st do it "or me?
=Sophie' !ome ba! to me'= he said gently' "irmly' and & opened my eyes. =8othing is going to
happen tonight that yo# don3t want. B#t & do have an obligation to prote!t yo# "rom yo#rsel" at this
point. 8o belts. 5o#ld yo# lie to pi! a sa"e word' or shall we #se the tra""i! light again?=
=Aed' yellow' green?= & ti!ed them o"" on my "ingers. =That so#nds good to me. Easier to
remember.=
=@ery good. And & tr#st yo# to #se them. &" there is anything yo# don3t want to do' yo# need only
#se the sa"e word.= >e stepped ba!. =Cndress' please.=
& didn3t hesitate. & whipped my sweater o""' revealing my pin bra with dainty bla! pola dots on it'
and bla! la!e edging the !#ps. & wiggled o#t o" my $eans' revealing the mat!hing thong.
=@ery pretty'= he said' his lids heavy as he regarded me. =8ow' tae yo#r hair down.=
As & rea!hed #p and began p#lling o#t bobby pins' he waled in a slow !ir!le aro#nd me. >is voi!e
was low and dar as he ased' =0o# en$oy spaning then' Sophie?=
=& do.= +ore than en$oyed it. +y p#ssy !len!hed at the memory o" that sweet anti!ipation' the
moment be"ore his hand "ell.
=3& do' Sir'3= he !orre!ted me so"tly. =5hile we3re playing' yo# will !all me Sir.=
=& do en$oy spaning' Sir'= & amended.
=*id yo# lie it the "irst time & spaned yo#?= >e stopped behind me and san his "ingers into my
loosened hair' gently shaing the rest "ree. 9ins "ell to the !arpeted "loor and & heard them' that was how
heightened my senses be!ame when he was near me.
Con!entrating was di""i!#lt' with his "ingers moving lang#oro#sly over my s!alp. & bit my lip to
sti"le a moan be"ore & answered. =0es' Sir.=
=5hat did yo# lie abo#t it? Tae yo#r time'= he advised me. >is !hest br#shed my sho#lder blades'
and this time & !o#ldn3t s#ppress my whimper.
>e leaned down' so his lips were beside my ear. =5hat was that?=
+y !lit throbbed in time to the slow !ir!les he stroed thro#gh the roots o" my hair. +y hands
strayed a!ross the "ronts o" my thighs' tentatively !overing my mo#nd.
>e stilled. =*on3t to#!h.= &t too a s#rprising "or!e o" willpower to drop my arms to my sides.
=Answer my 1#estion' Sophie.= >is breath was hot a!ross my earlobe.
=Tell me what yo# lied abo#t me spaning yo#.=
=& lied...= & li!ed my lips. & shi"ted my "eet on the !arpet' b#t it didn3t ease the heaviness' the a!he
to be to#!hed. & had a moment o" "earH it had taen me only min#tes to rea!h this intense state o"
longing. >ow wo#ld & mae it thro#gh the rest o" the night?
4o!#sing on my answer helped. =& lied waiting "or it. The anti!ipation. And the way it "elt.=
=5hat did it "eel lie?= >e withdrew his "ingers "rom my hair' letting it "all aro#nd my sho#lders in
a sily !#rtain. >e moved away "rom me' only "or a moment' to t#rn o"" the lamp. 5e stood in the near
dar' with $#st the warm light "rom the lower level "iltering #p to #s.
=&t h#rt. &n a good way. And it "elt na#ghty' lie & had done something & wasn(t s#pposed to.= &t was
easier to spea when he wasn3t to#!hing me. =& wo#ldn3t mind not being able to sit down. &t3s lie a "#n
so#venir.=
& hadn3t been so pleased with it while &3d been "lying to 8ew 0or si- years ago' b#t & had $#st been
le"t money on a nightstand a"ter se-. +y pride had been more br#ised than my ass.
>is hands simmed down my arms. =So' yo# view the spaning as a reward' rather than a
p#nishment?=
,ooseb#mps rose on my arms in the wae o" his palms. =&t wo#ldn3t be a very e""e!tive p#nishment
"or me' Sir. &3d do bad things $#st to get attention.=
>e la#ghed so"tly. .&3ll have to thin o" something else' then.= Coming aro#nd to "a!e me' he said'
=Tae o"" yo#r bra.=
+y "ingers trembled as & rea!hed "or the !lasp. >e wat!hed me' his e-pression #nreadable in the
dim light. & #nhooed the band and let the straps slide down my arms.
>e waited #ntil &3d dropped the bra on the "loor to rea!h "or me. 5ith one hand' he stroed a la6y
!ir!le aro#nd the pin tip o" my breast. &t m#st have taen him an ama6ing amo#nt o" sel"%!ontrol to
stand there' #na""e!ted' and & don3t say that to "latter mysel". & new he wanted me as m#!h as & wanted
himH he was $#st somehow able to !over #p his desire. To be patient' to tae his time. 5hen all & wanted
was to have him inside me.
Br#shing ba! a lo! o" my hair "rom the top o" my breast' he leaned down and too one nipple into
his mo#th. & tho#ght & might topple to the "loor #nder the onsla#ght o" sensation that battered me. >e
looed #p' am#sed' and released me.
=& thin & will span yo# tonight' Sophie'= he said' his voi!e low and "#ll o" wi!ed promises. =&"
yo# are a very' very good girl.=
Chapter Ten
=>ow do yo# want me to be good' Sir?= & ased 8eil. & was breathless and bare #nder his ga6e. +y
panties were absol#tely plastered to my v#lva' and & was !ertain my sin was moments "rom b#rsting
into "lame. The tho#ght o" earning what & desired' "rom the only man who !o#ld give it to me' ramped
#p my aro#sal to an almost #n!om"ortable level.
.Answer a "ew o" my 1#estions. A"ter today' & don(t want to mae any mistaes with yo#./ >e idly
tra!ed one "ingertip aro#nd my nipple then went to the bed to sit on the edge. .& need to now what
yo#(re !om"ortable with. 5e !an p#sh limits later. Tonight' we(ll start simply./
& !o#ldn(t believe he wanted to tal at a time lie this. 5asn(t he s#pposed to $#st throw me down
and' yo# now' dominate me?
.& already now how yo# "eel abo#t spaning'/ he said with his hal"% smile. .5hat abo#t oral se-?/
.4or me or "or yo#?/ & ased' and my !lit was s!reaming for me4 for me4 for me2 .Be!a#se & thin
yo# already now that &(m a big "an o" having yo# go downtown./
.4or both o" #s'/ he !lari"ied. .>ow wo#ld yo# "eel abo#t s#!ing my !o!?/
4#!' did he have to #se that word? & was so "reaing t#rned%on already. .,ood 1#estion./
.Tae all the time yo# need./
& looed down at him and wet my lips. & !o#ldn3t believe what & was abo#t to say' and when & spoe'
the words didn3t even so#nd lie my own voi!e above the blood po#nding in my ears. =& want to. & want
to s#! yo# o"" and swallow yo#r !#m./
>e li"ted an eyebrow.
The sa"e%se- 1#estion had been bo#n!ing aro#nd in my mind sin!e that a"ternoon' when &3d re!eived
my test res#lts. 5hen wo#ld & be !om"ortable having #nprote!ted se- with 8eil' ass#ming everything
!ame o#t h#ny dory on his tests' too? And oay' maybe & sho#ld have !ons#lted an ob$e!tive party' or
!onsidered "or a "ew days' be!a#se my thining on the s#b$e!t was going to be !onstantly !lo#ded by
horniness. B#t &3d de!ided that & tr#sted him' at least abo#t this.
+aybe not with plane ti!ets.
.&(d lie yo# to wear a !ondom when yo#(re "#!ing me. B#t & hate the taste o" late-' we(ve both
been re!ently tested' and it(s a lower%ris a!tivity./ & made a "a!e. .That last bit so#nded lie a
pamphlet./
.As long as we do #se a !ondom d#ring inter!o#rse' &(m !om"ortable with that'/ 8eil said a"ter a
moment. .As "or sa"e words' we(ve dis!#ssed red' yellow' green' b#t i" at any time yo#(re #nable to
verbally respond' yo# !an signal to stop by showing me yo#r "ist and opening and !losing yo#r palm.
Can yo# show me that now?/
& did as he instr#!ted. &t seemed ind o" strange to me' b#t the more we planned "or what we were
going to do' the more t#rned on & got. The e-perien!e was oddly reminis!ent o" being s#per h#ngry and
trying to de!ide what to order at a resta#rant. & shi"ted "rom one "oot to the other' $#st to "eel my panties
r#bbing me.
.@ery good. &s there anything yo# wo#ldn(t lie to do tonight?/
& tho#ght abo#t it a moment. .Cm' no. 8ot really. And &(ll tell yo# i" yo# do something & don(t lie'
b#t &(m open to pretty m#!h anything that(s going to "eel good./
.And is there anything in parti!#lar that yo# would lie me to do to yo# tonight?/ >e stood again
and !losed the distan!e between #s' b#t he didn(t to#!h me. >e $#st stood there' looing down at me
with his gorgeo#s' devio#s smile.
+y heart was beating somewhere in the vi!inity o" my !ollarbones. & tho#ght my p#lse might !hoe
me. .& don(t want yo# to go too easy on me. 9art o" what gets me o"" when &(m with yo# is the way yo#
tell me to do things' the way yo# !an get a little ro#gh. & don(t want yo# to sma! the shit o#t o" me' b#t
don(t treat me with id gloves. +ae me s#bmit./
.&s that an order?/ >e grinned. .That(s not terribly s#bmissive./
& too a step "orward' bringing my bare sin against his' and smired #p at him. .+aybe & need a
better tea!her./
>is hand !ame #p to lightly grip my lower $aw' his th#mb pressing hard' b#t not pain"#lly' into my
!hee' and & gasped.
.*o yo#?/ >is tone was !ompletely di""erent' a dar' low voi!e that was a !aress and a bite all at
on!e. +y spine sti""ened' my eyes went wide' and & shoo my head as m#!h as & !o#ld with his hand
holding my "a!e.
.& !an(t hear yo#' Sophie./
.8o'/ & whispered' then !leared my throat. .8o' Sir./
=& wo#ld lie yo# to start to#!hing yo#rsel".= >e le"t me and went to the bed. >e wat!hed my hand
trail down my stoma!h' let me get almost to the 9romised Band be"ore he stopped me. =8ot there.=
& p#lled my "ingers g#iltily "rom the waistband o" my panties.
=C#p yo#r breasts'= he ordered' and & did' grate"#l to ease the a!hing press#re in them. +y th#mb
strayed over my nipple' and he t#tted disapprovingly. =& didn3t say yo# !o#ld do that. Tae yo#r hands
away.=
=&3m sorry' Sir'= & whispered' and tho#gh & a!hed' & did as he(d !ommanded. & was dripping wet and
throbbing. & "elt high' a!t#ally high' "rom the barest physi!al sensation.
>e waited a long time' wat!hing me with my hands at my sides' maing nervo#s "ists beside my
thighs. >e bra!ed his elbows on his nees' one hand "alling between them' lie he was sitting in "ront o"
a television and not a desperate' panting woman. =0o#3re doing very well.=
=9lease'= & moaned. +y breasts were tight and hot' my nipples hard peas. & had to to#!h them. The
air in the room hadn(t seemed !hilly be"ore' b#t & shivered slightly' and goose b#mps raised on my sin.
=9lease what?=
=9lease' Sir' let me...= 5hat? Come? & new there was no way. 5e3d $#st barely started' and he(d
been willing to let me go the entire weeend. =To#!h mysel"'= & "inished' my voi!e a patheti! whimper.
>e waited "or an eternity' !onsidering. >is ga6e moved #p and down my body. & swore & !o#ld "eel
it.
=8othing below the waist'= he said "inally. >is eyes "i-ed on my "ingers as & rolled my nipples
against my th#mbs. .5hat do we say now' Sophie?/
.Than yo#' Sir'/ & groaned. Standing be"ore 8eil' to#!hing mysel" the way & was' & had this !ra6y
tho#ght that & wasn(t me. & was some other Sophie' who had no r#les or obligations. 8o worries. 8o
st#dent loans. Every m#ndane detail o" my li"e melted away' and & was $#st some girl in some hotel
room' doing whatever it too to get "#!ed by the man sitting in "ront o" me.
Cnbelievably' the "amiliar sensation o" the beginning o" an orgasm !oiled behind my !lit as &
pin!hed and t#gged my nipples. ,rowing bolder #nder his stare' & dropped my head ba! with a lo#d
moan.
=*on3t !ome.=
+y eyes snapped open' and & straightened' my "ingers stilling. >e was absol#tely serio#s' a little bit
!ross with me' even. Tho#gh & new we were $#st pretending' e-!itement li!ed thro#gh me lie white%
hot "lame.
>e rose and waled slowly behind me on!e more. ,rabbing my hips so s#ddenly that & gasped and
staggered slightly' he "or!ed me to bend at the waist and bro#ght o#r !lothed pelvises against ea!h other.
=0o# will be allowed to !ome tonight. B#t not yet. 8ot right now.= +y !#nt !len!hed at his words.
.0o#(ll beg me to let yo# !ome' "irst' and then yo#(ll beg me to let yo# stop.=
Beg to stop !oming? & !o#ldn3t imagine asing "or any s#!h thing. That wo#ld be lie asing to be
denied air or "ood. & gro#nd ba! on him. >e released me' one arm sliding along mine to !at!h my hand
and steady me on my "eet.
.,et a pillow. 9la!e it in the !enter o" the "oot o" the bed' and lay a!ross it on yo#r stoma!h with
yo#r ass propped #p./ >e gripped the ba! o" my panties and t#gged them down' $#st slightly. .And
drop these to yo#r nees when yo#(re in pla!e./
& tho#ght & might !ome "rom the "ri!tion o" walking. & was in so m#!h tro#ble. & wondered when &
!o#ld reasonably begin begging.
+y hands shoo as & positioned the pillow as he(d told me. & lay down' taing a slow' deep breath as
my warm sin to#!hed the !ool white d#vet.
>e stood at the end o" the bed' looing at me' and & wriggled a little as & p#lled my panties down.
.<#st to my nees' Sir?/
.Aight.../ his "ingertips "ollowed my panties "rom $#st below the !#rves o" my b#tto!s' a!ross the
ti!lish ba!s o" my thighs' to the bend in my nees. .There./
& s1#irmed' my breath !at!hing in my throat.
2ne big' warm hand stroed my ba!' raising tingles on my spine. 5hen he rea!hed my hips' he
li"ted his hand' and & tensed "or the "irst blow. B#t he didn(t span me. &nstead' he gently r#bbed his
palm over a bare !hee. >e abr#ptly raised his hand again' and again & tensed. & willed mysel" to rela-. &t
wo#ld !ome.
.>ow hard do yo# lie it?/ he ased' his "ingertips simming along my !ra!.
.>ard?/ & ased #n!ertainly. .9retty hard?/
.Bie this?/ 5hen his hand !onne!ted with my ba!side' it sho!ed me. &t was no love tap' b#t a
stinging hot slap. The pain spread in a deli!io#s halo "rom the pla!e where he(d sma!ed me' and &
$ered' m#""ling my groan in the bed.
=>arder or so"ter?= >e leaned down and br#shed his lips over the b#rning spot he(d !reated.
=>arder'= & whimpered.
.E-!#se me?/ he ased' a""ronted. .>arder' Sir'/ & amended. Then' .>arder' please' Sir./
.,ood girl' Sophie./ Another blow "ell' de"initely ro#gher than the last. & sho#ted' a mi-ed
so#nd o" relie" and pain. 8eil !l#!ed his tong#e. .& am more than happy to span yo# e-a!tly
as hard as yo# wish' b#t we are in a hotel room. 0o#(ll have to eep yo#r voi!e down./
'eep my voice down, & grinned to mysel"' hiding my "a!e in the bed. 8eil didn(t !are abo#t the
neighbors' i" his o""%ey shower !on!ert had been any indi!ation. &(d read the boosH & new that a *om
might as a s#b to stay 1#iet as a !ontrol e-er!ise.
.Can yo# span me again' Sir?/ & ased' p#mping my hips against the pillow.
This time' the slap he gave me made me yelp lo#dly in s#rprise.
=&" yo# !an3t stay 1#iet' &(ll gag yo#'= he warned. =And don3t tell me how to do my $ob.=
.&(m sorry' Sir./ And was & ever sorry. & had $#st learned a pretty important lesson abo#t the
di""eren!e between a p#nishment span and a "#n one' & reali6ed.
8eil smoothed his hand over my sin. >is "ingertips eased between my !hees' and & held my
breath as they simmed down. .5as that hard eno#gh "or yo#?/
.0es' Sir'/ & moaned' moving my hips $#st slightly' #rging him along.
.*o yo# need another?/ A "inger slipped into my !#nt. >e slowly' easily p#shed in' and made a low
so#nd in his throat. .& thin yo# might. *o yo# want one?/
& did want him to span me again' b#t & didn(t want him to stop what he was doing with his "ingers.
.As me' Sophie. 8i!ely./
.9lease' Sir./ & gasped and panted' moaned and writhed. >is "ingers withdrew' tra!ing my wetness
over my sli!' swollen labia. >e parted me gently' !ir!ling the opening o" my vagina' dipping in $#st
barely' retreating' dipped in again' deeper' more with ea!h maddeningly slow motion' #ntil my legs were
trembling.
Then he stopped' his hand resting in e-a!tly the right pla!e' doing e-a!tly the wrong thing. 8o
movement' no penetration' no "ri!tion' and & s!reamed my "r#stration into the d#vet.
>e did span me then' harder than the last times' and & !o#ldn(t help my !ry o" mingled pain and
"#l"illed anti!ipation.
.& told yo# to eep 1#iet./ >is "ingers withdrew' and with that hand he grabbed my hair and wo#nd
a length o" it aro#nd his "ist' $ering my head ba!. >e balled #p my sopping panties and p#shed them
against my mo#th.
& had no ill#sions as to what he was going to do with those panties. & !o#ld smell my aro#sal on
them' new that his "ingers were still smeared with my $#i!es even as they tangled in my hair. 8ever in
my li"e had & "elt so dirty' so #tterly nasty and depraved. &3d also never been so "#!ing t#rned on. &
groaned' =,reen'= and he p#shed my panties into my mo#th.
=Aemember the signal'/ he reminded me' opening and !losing his palm be"ore my eyes.
>e spaned me again' the so#nd o" his sin on mine maing a reso#nding !ra! in the 1#iet hotel
room. >is "ingers p#shed into my !#nt' and & !len!hed aro#nd him. & was going to !ome. There was no
do#bt in my mind. +y body was on "ire' my hips b#!ing' a high' thin wail b#ilding #p in me. All o" the
thi!' hot "eelings in my p#ssy merged into one wave o" sensation' and $#st as the wave was abo#t to
!rest' he stopped.
=8ot yet' Sophie.=
& sh#ddered' physi!ally stopping mysel" "rom t#mbling over a pre!ipi!e. +y toes !#rled. Calves
!ramped. & wanted to !lima-' needed it lie & needed air. & s#pposed & !o#ld still !omeH & was so !lose
that a deliberate aro#sing tho#ght wo#ld tip the s!ales. B#t it wo#ldn(t have been nearly as satis"ying as
obeying orders and seeing e-a!tly how "ar he wo#ld tae this.
=Stand #p.=
+y !lit a!hed with longing. >e wasn3t going to "inish me o""? A hysteri!al sob welled in my !hest
as & got to my "eet' b#t his intent be!ame !lear when he said' =,et on yo#r hands and nees in the middle
o" the bed.=
& did as & was told' breathing hard thro#gh my nose. A drop o" perspiration trembled on my lip' and
my mo#th was slightly open to a!!ommodate the balled%#p panties inside.
& stayed still on the bed while he went to the nightstand "or a !ondom. & listened' my hearing !ra6ily
t#ned into his movements' his position in the room. & heard his breathing speed #p $#st a moment be"ore
he nelt on the bed behind me. Then his hands "ell to my hips' p#lling me ba!. +y "lesh was swollen
and sli!' and he r#bbed the wide tip o" his !o! #p and down my slit a "ew times' !oating the late- that
!overed him #ntil it was good and slippery. >e n#dged my !litoris on!e' twi!e' and & tried to p#sh ba!'
b#t his hand on the small o" my ba! stopped me.
=&3m going to "#! yo#' Sophie'= he said' p#shing against my opening. =And &3m going to let yo#
!ome.=
& whimpered. & needed my release so badly. 2#r stolen moment at the o""i!e hadn3t been nearly
eno#gh to mae #p "or the long' "r#strating weeend. 5hen the head o" him stret!hed me' & groaned and
p#shed ba!. That only !a#sed him to withdraw entirely.
=B#t &3m going to tae my time.=
+y sho#lders sagged' and my "orehead to#!hed the bed. All & !o#ld do was hold per"e!tly still and
hope E praying the most pro"ane prayer possible E that he wo#ld $#st get it over with and mae me !ome
already.
>e p#shed inside hal"way' and my breath made a strangled so#nd in my throat. & too him in with
an ease that s#rprised me' lie & had been !#stom "itted to handle his length' his girth. >e slid o#t' and &
!l#t!hed at him with my internal m#s!les. Then' he thr#st "orward and b#ried himsel" in me so deeply &
gasped.
=Shall & stop?= >e so#nded !on!erned' and & new he wasn3t teasing' b#t really in1#iring as to my
well being. >e leaned over my ba!' still hard inside o" me' and rea!hed to p#ll the panties "rom my
mo#th.
=9lease' Sir' don3t stop'= & panted' my voi!e hoarse. +y mo#th had dried o#t with the hand"#l o"
rayon that had been st#""ed in it.
=0o# remember the words?/ >is an-iety was apparent. & wondered i" he3d been with someone who
hadn3t #sed the sa"e word' or i" he $#st didn3t tr#st me to remember be!a#se o" my ine-perien!e.
=8eil' & promise'= & said thro#gh gritted teeth. =9lease' $#st "#! me.=
>e slapped my ass with a growl.
1eil .lwood growls during sex. There$s a ?uote for 4orbes.
The b#tter"lies in my stoma!h rioted and my hands "isted in the bedding. & held my breath as he
rammed hard into me' then withdrew and slammed in again. 2ne o" his hands slid "rom my hip down to
my !le"t' seeing o#t my !lit. >e stroed me in ro#gh !ir!les and & !o#ldn3t de!ide whether & wanted to
p#sh against his hand or ba! on his !o!. Cold sweat broe o#t on my "l#shed sin. & panted in time to
his thr#sts' #ntil & was pra!ti!ally hyperventilating. The release he3d denied me "or so long b#ilt #p
again' and this time it wo#ldn3t be denied. & ra!ed toward the pea' breathless' #nintelligible so#nds
b#rsting "rom my lips.
=Tell me' Sophie. Tell me what yo#3re "eeling.= >e grabbed a hand"#l o" my hair' p#lling my head
ba!.
& didn3t re!ogni6e my own desperate' raw voi!e as & s!reamed' =&3m !oming.= >e slammed hard
against me' as deep as he !o#ld go. +y legs shoo' my arms trembled with e-ha#stion. Every millimeter
o" my sin "lared with raw' se-#al response. Everything was too m#!hH his hands' his !o!' the sweat
dripping o"" my nose' the !ramps in my "eet as my toes !len!hed and released rhythmi!ally with my
orgasm.
& was vag#ely aware o" the br#sh o" his tong#e a!ross my spine be"ore he groaned' =& love to "eel
yo# !ome. Bet(s do it again' shall we?=
Still on "ire' still reeling and di66y "rom release' & !o#ld not es!ape his to#!h. >e pin!hed my !litoris
and held it' slowly p#lled his body ba! to ro! the head o" his !o! against my g%spot.
=Aight there. 2h right there' oh please' oh god' yes'= & babbled as & ra!ed toward another !lima-'
tilting my hips with his shallow thr#sts. &t was tort#re. >e was $#st barely inside o" me. +y m#s!les
!len!hed' holding his !o! tight against that sensitive pat!h' and as & b#rned toward release with shrill
gasps' he let go o" my !lit. +y blood po#nded ba! into the en"lamed "lesh' and that was all it too to
mae me spasm all aro#nd him' s!reaming' sobbing.
& !o#ldn3t tae anymore' & reali6ed with a shiver o" sensation as he san into me. >e3d told me he
wo#ldn3t stop #ntil & begged him. So' & begged him. =9lease' Sir. 8o more.=
>e withdrew slowly. =Tae the pillow. 9#t it on the "loor and neel on it.=
,oose"lesh stood o#t all over my body. & rose on 1#ivering legs and did as & was told' dropping the
pillow on the "loor at the "oot o" the bed. & nelt on it' and looed #p at him e-pe!tantly as he stood
be"ore me.
>e rolled the !ondom o"" and tossed it on the bed' then r#bbed the massive head o" his !o! against
my lips. .0o# only !ame twi!e' Sophie./
.&t was a little too intense' Sir'/ & m#rm#red' my tong#e slipping o#t to to#!h the tight' satiny sin
o" his !o!.
.2h' then yo# are in tro#ble./ >e too a breath as & ran my tong#e over the slit in his tip. .Be!a#se
nothing wo#ld give me more pleas#re than to mae yo# !ome over and over' with no let #p' #ntil yo#
were s!reaming and sobbing and begging me to stop. 5o#ld yo# lie that?/
.4#! yes' Sir. <#st as long as yo# don(t e-pe!t me to wal a"ter./ +y thighs trembled with
e-ha#stion at the mere tho#ght o" what one more orgasm wo#ld have done to me.
& too him in my "ist and p#mped his length' slowly rolling his "oresin #p and then ba!. & wet my
lips and leaned "orward to tae $#st his tip into my mo#th. 8eil3s hand "ell on my head' not to #rge me
along' b#t to thread thro#gh my hair. >e e-erted no press#re' $#st held on' and his rea!tion emboldened
me. & !ir!led him with my tong#e' slipping between the sensitive glans and the ridge o" sin & glided
ba! and "orth. Then & dove down the length o" him' taing him as deeply as & !o#ld.
>e groaned' his hips ro!ing $#st a little in time to the bobbing o" my mo#th on him. & lightly raed
the nails o" my #no!!#pied hand down the ba! o" his thigh and s#!ed him slowly' my tong#e swirling
ro#nd and ro#nd. & loved how strangely intimate a blow$ob !o#ld be' almost more so than inter!o#rse. &
loved nowing that there was no possible way my partner !o#ld be thining o" anything else. The
pleas#re & too in per"orming the a!t made me "eel almost sel"ish.
& tilted my head slightly #p' the "lat o" my tong#e lapping the #nderside o" his !o!. 8eil wat!hed
my every move. 5hen we made eye !onta!t' & held it' nowing & was the "o!#s o" his entire world. A
renewed r#sh o" desire "looded thro#gh me at the heat & saw in his eyes.
Slowly and steadily' & ept my hand s1#ee6ing and stroing' my lips sliding #p and down his length
as "ar as & !o#ld. & !#pped his balls and "elt them draw #p' heavy and hot in my hand. The telltale hit!h
in his breathing' the tight grip he had on my hair' all o" it !l#ed me in that he wasn3t going to be m#!h
longer. & slightly sped #p my e""orts' and he groaned' =2h god'= be"ore his !o! $ered and a b#rst hit
the roo" o" my mo#th. &t too me a se!ond to rea!t and swallow' b#t & did' and then again' and again'
be"ore & "inally released him.
>e let go o" my hair and o""ered me a hand #p. & too it' giggling' =& need to get a drin o" water.=
>e brie"ly p#lled me into his arms' planting a 1#i! iss on my !hee. As & headed to the bathroom'
he swatted my behind' and & sni!ered to mysel".
5hen & !ame ba! a"ter rinsing my mo#th and #sing the "a!ilities' 8eil was in bed' sitting hal"%#p
against the mo#ntain o" l#sh' !om"y pillows. & looed at the alarm !lo! on the nightstand. O#arter to
eleven.
=& sho#ld probably...= & didn3t want to "inish my senten!e' be!a#se it so#nded an aw"#l lot lie & was
trying to "#! and r#n. And & was' b#t & had wor in the morning.
=8o' !ome here. <#st "or a min#te'= he #rged' patting the bed beside him. =& don(t want yo# to go
home and have another drop./
A part o" me still tho#ght & !o#ld leave and "eel "ine' b#t the other part o" me remembered the way
&3d b#rst into tears in his o""i!e earlier that day and how shitty & had "elt. >e was rightH the whole
*ominationSs#bmission thing really !o#ld mess with my head i" & wasn(t !are"#l. & de!ided to "ollow his
lead on this one.
=>ow3s yo#r b#m?= he ased as & slid in ne-t to him. The sheets were !risp and !lean and "elt
ama6ing on my naed sin.
& smiled and shoo my head. =B#m? And it3s "ine. &3ll de"initely "eel it tomorrow.= At his loo o"
!on!ern' & 1#i!ly added' =B#t that was the point' wasn3t it? & lie to "eel totally "#!ed? Espe!ially sin!e
we don3t get together that o"ten.=
=5e !o#ld see ea!h other more "re1#ently' i" yo# wanted to'= he s#ggested as & settled in at his side.
& rested my head on his sho#lder' and he p#t his arm aro#nd my ba!.
& sn#ggled down' letting his body warm mine. =& tho#ght we weren3t doing serio#s. Seeing ea!h
other a lot seems...=
=&t doesn3t have to be serio#s.= >e issed the top o" my head. =5e see ea!h other every day at wor'
a"ter all.=
=>ey' abo#t that?= & rolled onto my side' so & !o#ld loo him in the eye. =*e$a totally nows
something is going on.=
>is hand' previo#sly stroing my #pper arm' stilled. =5hat do yo# mean?=
=She mentioned it to me. She ased how long we3d wored together' and then she made some
!omment abo#t the way yo# loo at me.= & nibbled my lower lip. =She says yo#3re always looing at
me.=
=& wor with yo#. >ow !an & do that witho#t o!!asionally looing at yo#?= he ased' a note o"
de"ensiveness !reeping into his voi!e. Then he sighed in resignation. =All right. & have noti!ed my eyes
straying #nne!essarily. &3ll wor on that. And we(ll avoid "#rther... !onta!t in the o""i!e./
The bed was ridi!#lo#sly !om"ortable' and & "elt mysel" sining deeper into it with every heartbeat.
=5here are we going to meet when yo# move o#t o" this pla!e?=
=&t seems #n"air that &(m "or!ing yo# to !ome to me' b#t yo# have yo#r roommate...= >e hesitated.
=5e !o#ld eep o#r tradition o" doing nasty things in hotel rooms. 2r are yo# averse to !oming to my
apartment?=
=8o' & $#st wanted to mae s#re yo#3re !om"ortable with that.= & shr#gged. =And & !an see why yo#
wo#ldn3t want to !ome to my pla!e. &t3s ind o" small.=
=5o#ld yo# be #n!om"ortable i" & were to !ome over?= he ased' res#ming his slow stroing o" my
sho#lder and ba!.
,ood 1#estion. >ow wo#ld & deal with having 8eil in my spa!e' where & lived every day? That
made things a little too personal' didn3t it? 2n the other hand... =A!t#ally' it wo#ld be awesome to go to
sleep right a"ter se-' instead o" getting in a !ab.=
=0o# never have to leave. & wo#ld never throw yo# o#t.= >is "oot r#bbed against my anle beneath
the blanets' and & !o#ldn3t help my smile. =As !as#al as we may be abo#t it' this is still a relationship. &
don3t ever want yo# to "eel #sed or ob$e!ti"ied. & do !are abo#t yo# and yo#r "eelings' Sophie.=
A not in my !hest' one & had never noti!ed was there' eased at his words. Even tho#gh my rational
mind tho#ght better o" 8eil' some part o" me that had never dealt with tr#st all that well had been
do#bting him' witho#t my ever nowing it.
A physi!al shiver o" relie" went thro#gh me' and he h#gged me !loser' asing in !on!ern' =Are yo#
all right?=
=0eah' &3m great. &3m better than great.= & leaned #p and issed him' a play"#l pe! to let him now
everything really was oay' then rel#!tantly rolled away "rom him. .That was ama6ing./
.That is $#st the tip o" the i!eberg'/ he said with a grin.
& lay there' letting him play with my hair' on the verge o" do6ing. Something important pri!ed at
my brain. &t too me a moment to "ig#re o#t what was bothering me. 5hen & did' & had a hard time
phrasing it. & started #n!ertainly' .>ey... when we(re together lie this... yo# don(t have to always
remind me o" the sa"e word. & mean' & appre!iate it' sin!e &(m new at this. B#t & promise &(ll #se it. &(m
not st#pid./
>is big palm rested against the small o" my ba!' maing slow' gentle !ir!les with his "ingertips. &t
stilled as he !onsidered his answer. .& now yo#(re not st#pid. &t was never my intent to mae yo# "eel
that way./
.& now' yo#(re $#st trying to be !are"#l' be!a#se o" my "rea o#t./ &t was totally illogi!al' b#t & "elt
lie & had done something wrong.
.8o. 9lease don(t "eel embarrassed abo#t that. 9erhaps & sho#ld tell yo#T/ >e too a deep breath'
and & bra!ed mysel" to hear something really bad. .& have tried being s#bmissive be"ore and' !a#ght #p
in the heat o" the moment' & "orgot to sa"e word. +y *om didn(t reali6e & was no longer en$oying
mysel"' and it t#rned o#t to be a very bad e-perien!e. & wo#ld never want to do that to yo#./
.So' was she $#st not good at her $ob' or.../
.>e'/ 8eil !lari"ied !a#tio#sly.
.2h./ 8eil slept with men' too? That was a s#rprise. 8ot ne!essarily a bad one' when & started
imagining it in my head. &n "a!t' it might t#rn o#t to be some 1#ality t#b time material' i" & le"t o#t the
whole .bad e-perien!e/ part.
.>e wasn(t a very good *om. At the time & tho#ght he was 1#ite impressive. >e s#ggested & s#b "or
him so that & wo#ld now what it "elt lie when & was the *ominant'/ 8eil e-plained. .B#t not being
s#bmissive mysel"' & didn(t en$oy it at all. & was bo#nd' & pani!ed' and & serio#sly in$#red my ne! and
sho#lder./
.&(m sorry' & didn(t mean to drag #p bad memories./ ,osh' & new how to ill a mood' didn(t &?
Then & had another tho#ght' and & !o#ldn(t not as' not i" & was s#pposed to go ba! into wor
tomorrow. .Cm' &(m sorry "or asing' b#t... it wasn(t... A#dy?/
>e looed horri"ied. .+y god' Sophie' no. >e(s my best "riend. & may be "airly easy going when it
!omes to se-#ality' b#t my private li"e is more or less !ompartmentali6ed. 2n!e & see someone in a
!ertain light' &(m very #nliely to re%!ategori6e him. Besides' A#dy is a bit o" a pr#de./
& snorted. .2ay. B#t listen' yo# don(t have to eep going on and on abo#t the sa"e words. & now
them. And & tr#st yo# to now i" yo# need to stop and !he! on me./
.& will tae that note'/ he promised. .B#t & will always be s#re the sa"e words and signals are !lear
be"ore we begin. That(s not $#st "or yo#' it(s "or me as well./
.*eal./ & eased "rom the bed rel#!tantly' be"ore & !o#ld be l#lled to sleep by all the gentle to#!hing
and warm' naed sin. As & dressed' he wat!hed me' saying nothing. &3d $#st p#lled my sweater over my
head when he "inally broe his silen!e.
=Stay the weeend with me.=
& had bent over to pi! #p my bobby pins "rom the !arpet' b#t & straightened 1#i!ly at his words.
=E-!#se me?=
=5hen &3m ba! in my own apartment' where we3ll have priva!y and not be banr#pted on tae
o#t.= The !orner o" his mo#th twit!hed with a hal"%smile. =& don3t now i" yo#3re aware' b#t &3m very
ri!h. So' my apartment is spe!ta!#lar.=
& p#t my hands on my hips. =Bisten' &3m not ri!h' and my apartment is still pretty spe!ta!#lar' +r.
Elitist. B#t & tho#ght we were eeping things stri!tly se-. *o yo# thin it(s a good idea to spend a whole
weeend together?=
>e rose "rom the bed and waled to me' totally !om"ortable in his own naedness' and p#lled my
!lothed body against him. 2ne hand groped my ass thro#gh my $eans' the other pressed against the small
o" my ba!. =*o & thin it wo#ld be a good idea to spend "orty%eight or more ho#rs "#!ing yo#? Taing
yo# in every room o" my ho#se' on every bed' des' !hair and table in the pla!e?=
& p#rred a long' slow' =+mmmmm'= as he n#66led my throat. =0o# mae a very !ompelling
arg#ment.=
=& sho#ld be settled in again weeend a"ter ne-t'= he m#rm#red against my sin. Aed%hot spars o"
desire simmered my blood. >ow !o#ld & already be !raving him' when & was still e-ha#sted "rom o#r
last en!o#nter?
& groaned inwardly. =8o' & !an3t that weeend. >olli wanted to throw me a party to !elebrate my
new $ob. 5hi!h is really $#st an e-!#se "or her to invite all o#r "riends over to get hammered' b#t she3s
really e-!ited' and & promised her &3d do it.=
=5ell' & !an hardly as yo# to t#rn yo#r ba! on yo#r "riends.= >e li"ted his head and stepped ba!.
=5hat i" & sent my driver to pi! yo# #p Sat#rday night' instead? 5e !o#ld sleep in on S#nday and have
brea"ast?/
& hesitated. .0o# don(t go to !h#r!h or anything' right?/
A loo o" sho! !rossed his "a!e. .2" !o#rse & do. 0o# new & was devo#tly religio#s' didn(t yo#?/
& didn(t now how to respond. Then & reali6ed' in a moment o" pani! that t#rned to indignation' that
he was $oing. & slapped his sho#lder. .@ery "#nny./
.& worship at 2#r Bady o" E-tremely Bate Br#n!h'/ he 1#ipped' bending his head to iss me' and &
lost mysel" in him as he wrapped his arms aro#nd me again. 5hen he raised his head on!e more' he
ased' .So' two Sat#rdays "rom now' is it?/
=0eah' & thin that wo#ld be great.= &t wo#ld also be abo#t a month into o#r =relationship= at that
point. & s#pposed one month wasn3t #nreasonable "or a "irst overnight. And it wo#ld be lie a little
va!ation "or me' $#st in the same !ity & lived in.
2h' who the "#! was & idding? & wanted to spend more time with him be!a#se & had a !r#sh on
him. 8o matter how !as#al & might want to eep things' & really lied this g#y. That didn(t mean & had to
hang my hat on some romanti! ideal. B#t & did lie being with him.
8eil !alled me a !ar' and on the ride home & leaned my "orehead against the tinted window and
!losed my eyes. Another night witho#t eno#gh sleep' b#t it was worth it. & "elt energi6ed' and weirdly
renewed. & g#ess &3d never had eno#gh mind blowing se- to reali6e what a great stress b#ster it !o#ld be.
J J J J
The ne-t a"ternoon' & was s1#irming in my o""i!e !hair' trying mae my sore ass more !om"ortable'
when A#dy !ame in and stood e-pe!tantly in "ront o" my des.
=0o# $#st missed him'= & said' gest#ring toward 8eil3s o""i!e. =>e went down to the seventh "loor to
!he! o#t the stilettos shoot.=
=& now.= A#dy3s per"e!tly pl#!ed and "illed eyebrows raised a "ra!tion. =& !ame here to tal to
yo#. And where is little miss...=
=*e$a?= & s#pplied "or him' bristling at his =little miss= !omment. =>e too her with him.=
They had le"t me behind to start !leaning o#t my des. & was glad "or the time alone' be!a#se it was
de"initely bittersweet to be moving to the bea#ty department. &3d been with Porteras "or two years' all o"
them in this very o""i!e. & was $#st going a!ross the "loor' b#t it might as well have been +ars.
=,ood.= A#dy th#mped the des with the side o" his "ist. =& needed to tal to yo# and not have the
b#sy%body blabbing it all over the o""i!e.=
=B#sy%body?= & remembered my !onversation in bed with 8eil. >ad he mentioned it to A#dy?
=5hy wo#ld yo# say %/
& don3t thin &3ve ever been the "o!#s o" so withering a stare. =5e !an !#t the b#llshit' Sophie. &
now yo#3re sleeping with 8eil. >e3s my best "riend' he tells me everything. And apparently' *e$a
nows yo#3re sleeping with him too?=
=She s#spe!ted'= & said 1#ietly. =5ill yo# lower yo#r voi!e? *e$a is a pro"essional. +ore
pro"essional than & am' be!a#se she3s not sleeping with her boss. She $#st pi!ed #p on the vibe.=
=& didn3t !ome in here to tal abo#t her' anyway. Tell me what yo# !an abo#t <ae 7ir!hner.=
=<ae?= & "rowned. =8ot a lot. >e3s got a girl"riend' he does some "reelan!ing on the side' lit !rit
essays' mostly % /
=8o' no' no. Tell me something #se"#l. *oes he still tal to yo#r old boss?= As he spoe' A#dy3s
eyes narrowed' slowly p#n!t#ating his senten!e.
=Ah. As in' is he someone to worry abo#t?= That wasn3t a 1#estion & !o#ld really answer. & lied
<ae a lot' and he3d never done anything to openly sabotage anyone' b#t he wasn3t happy with the
!hanges being made to Porteras' and he had always been at ,abriella3s be! and !all. &" he had a !han!e
to p#t her ba! on the throne' & new whi!h side o" the revol#tion he wo#ld be on' witho#t a do#bt.
Still' & wasn3t abo#t to tell that to A#dy. <ae hadn3t done anything to brea!h my tr#st' and A#dy
hadn3t done anything to earn it' yet. =& really !o#ldn3t tell yo#. &3m not in !onta!t with ,abriella these
days.=
=B#t yo# are in !onta!t with <ae.= A#dy wasn3t going to let me o"" the hoo that easily. =Boo' yo#
may not reali6e e-a!tly how m#!h wor it too to p#ll o"" the sale and restr#!t#ring o" Porteras' b#t &
have been woring on this with 8eil and @alerie "or over a year.=
/alerie, +ho the hell is /alerie, & g#ess & really didn3t have any !l#e as to what was going on
behind the s!enes. =& now yo# g#ys did a lot o" hard wor. & promise' &3m not being p#rpose"#lly
reti!ent. & $#st don3t now. B#t & !are abo#t this maga6ine. And & !are abo#t 8eil. &" & were privy to any
in"ormation that !o#ld h#rt him' & wo#ld tell him immediately.=
A#dy looed s#rprised at that' and #n!om"ortable. & p#t that down to him not e-perien!ing s#rprise
all that o"ten. >e momentarily p#rsed his lips then said' =4ine. 5e3ll leave it at that. Than yo# "or yo#r
honesty.=
>e was nearly to the door when & said' =By the way' & saw Giulio 3esar last season. 0o#r !ost#mes
were ama6ing.=
=& now. Than yo#.= B#t he !o#ldn3t hide his sm#g little smile behind the glass door.
Alone in the o""i!e' & !ontin#ed my slow removal o" my st#"" "rom what wo#ld be *e$a3s des' and
!onsidered my options. & didn3t want to p#rpose"#lly wheedle in"ormation o#t o" <ae "or A#dy. That
was !ompletely o"" the table. B#t the "a!t that <ae had be!ome a !on!ern % or a liability % was something
& sho#ld eep an eye on. & lied <ae' b#t & didn3t want my asso!iation with him to p#t my new $ob in
$eopardy. & also didn3t lie to thin that ,abriella was trying to in"iltrate the maga6ine thro#gh her
"ormer employees.
2ne thing was "or s#re' tho#gh. <ae had helped me o#t "or two years' and it wo#ld be shitty o" me
to now that he was #nder s!r#tiny and not give him a heads #p. As m#!h as & tr#ly did !are abo#t 8eil'
my "riends % even $#st wor "riends % were more important than a g#y & $#st started a !as#al relationship
with.
& had to tell <ae' and live with the !onse1#en!es i" A#dy "o#nd o#t.
Chapter Eleven
& didn3t get a !han!e to tal to <ae #ntil Th#rsday. >e3d been swamped "ighting to eep all the l#sh
photos that a!!ompanied his @ersailles story in the <an#ary iss#e. By Th#rsday morning' 8eil and A#dy
wo#ld have made their de!isions' so & "ig#red that either way' it was the right time to tell <ae abo#t
A#dy3s weirdness.
& "o#nd <ae in the !on"eren!e room' looing down at glossy photos' their printed s#r"a!es re"le!ting
the light "rom the "l#ores!ents. & !o#ldn3t tell i" he was thining' or grieving.
=>ey... yo#.= & wasn3t great with telling people news & tho#ght they didn3t want to hear. =>ow did it
go?=
=& lost "o#r pages.= >e looed #p with a h#morless la#gh. =A#dy Ainsworth tho#ght they were
red#ndant.=
& pretended to !onsider the "o#r panels he had spread o#t in "ront o" him. >e3d bro#ght #p A#dy.
That gave me eno#gh o" an opening. =Are yo# and A#dy not getting along?=
=5ho !an get along with that g#y? >e3s so $#mped #p his own ass and sel"%important.= <ae raed
his hand thro#gh his hair.
& tried a di""erent approa!h. =& !an3t wait #ntil & get into the bea#ty department. >e hardly ever goes
in there. +aybe that3s something yo# !o#ld do.=
=5hat' wor in bea#ty?= he snorted derisively. =& thin lip gloss and eye shadow are a little beneath
me at this point.=
+ow4 tell me what you really think4 dick. & was beginning to wonder why & wanted to help him save
his $ob. =2h' b#t a lady mime in bla! leather and a powdered wig' that3s totally important $o#rnalism.=
5hatever point &3d been trying to mae hadn3t penetrated even a little bit. +y senten!e was barely
"inished be"ore he abr#ptly de!lared' =8eil Elwood is going to b#rn this pla!e #p lie a dying star.= <ae
snapped his "ingers. =9oo"' $#st lie that' it3ll be gone.=
=& thin stars tae a lot longer to die than Rpoo"(./ & had never seen him so pet#lant' so #tterly
#nlieable. >e wo#ld have never dreamed o" a!ting this way when ,abriella was r#nning the show.
A good "riend wo#ld have told him e-a!tly why the photos sho#ld have been !#t. They really were
too similar' in that ea!h one had some ind o" "#r a!!essory "eat#red' and wo#ld spea to a modern
per!eption o" Soviet A#ssia rather than harening ba! to 4ren!h nobility. B#t & had a "eeling he3d
already been told this' and wo#ldn3t see my !riti!ism as help"#l. &nstead' & told him' =5ell' & thin &3m
going to $#st eep my head down. The s1#eay wheel gets the grease' and & wo#ld really lie to avoid a
grease stain.=
>e smiled at that' b#t rel#!tantly. =0o# now' & sho#ldn3t be telling yo# this.= >e pi!ed #p a photo
and dropped it. =*on3t get too !om"y. There are some... things in the wors. &3m tr#sting yo# not to pass
that along.=
9ass what along? Some vag#e prono#n!ements that were grandiose in their pretentio#sness? &
nodded solemnly. =Absol#tely' & #nderstand.=
Then & got the hell o#t o" the !on"eren!e room. <ae had always had his little oddities' lie his
sometimes embarrassingly passionate "eelings abo#t his own wor' b#t it was the ind o" st#"" & had
been able to overloo to remain "riendly with him. 8ow' with ,abriella gone' he was behaving lie a
toddler throwing a tantr#m. &t was lie... lie *r. @akell and +r. >yde.
2h' how & wished >olli were with me so we !o#ld high "ive over that
p#n.
& waled thro#gh re!eption' "eeling all it!hy and weird. & g#ess & had e-pe!ted the entire meeting to
go di""erently. &(d tried to be help"#l' and instead &(d gotten ins#lted. The new $ob &(d start tomorrow
was apparently beneath <ae. & was some lowly $oe he deigned to spea to. >ad o#r ."riendship/
always been lie that?
2r was it be!a#se & was going "rom .assistant/ to .assistant editor/ that he s#ddenly had a problem
with me? +aybe & wasn(t a threat i" he tho#ght o" me as the !hi! who got !o""ee and dry !leaning.
8ow' & was moving into editing a!t#al !ontent "or the maga6ine. +aybe he !o#ldn(t handle the tho#ght
o" being s#pportive o" someone #nless they weren(t !ompetition.
You8re no longer tied to Gabriella8s hip. !e can8t use you for anything' & reminded mysel". +aybe
my pro-imity to ,abriella had been the point o" o#r "riendship all along.
*istra!ted by my disappointment' & almost waled right thro#gh re!eption witho#t spotting *e$a
sitting on the long' white so"a' her arm on the ba!' smiling brightly at... >olli?
=>eyD= & greeted her' trying to !over my s#rprise. >olli never $#st showed #p at my wor % ,abriella
had e-pressly "orbidden personal visits' and >olli had been very !are"#l abo#t that r#le. 2n the rare
o!!asion she(d had to !ome #p to the main o""i!e "or $ob%related reasons' she(d never said hello.
=>eyD & was in the neighborhood and tho#ght it might be sa"e to stop by and as yo# to l#n!h. Sa"er
than it #sed to be.= >olli slid her hands into the ba! po!ets o" her painted%on $eans and ro!ed on the
balls o" her "eet' her lower lip !a#ght between her teeth. =And then & ran into *e$a here.=
Ah and ha. & hid my smile as m#!h as & reasonably !o#ld.
=*o yo# two now ea!h other?= 4or a !ity o" eight million people' 8ew 0or !o#ld be an in!redibly
small world.
*e$a stood' giggling awwardly as she looed to >olli "or permission or !on"irmation. & got the
"eeling there was a !onspira!y there. =>olli wored an event at A+ a "ew years ba!.=
=& was a h#man s#shi platter.= >olli beamed with pride. =&t was one o" my "irst modeling $obs. & got
to meet Aerosmith.=
& la#ghed with them' the way yo# la#gh when yo#(re the third wheel in a !onversation. &t wasn(t
that they were intentionally e-!l#ding me "rom their in%$oeH obvio#sly there was a vibe between them. &
shr#gged and smiled. =>ow !an yo# "orget a naed s#shi girl' right?=
=So' do yo# want to go to l#n!h? & !an !over things here'= *e$a o""ered.
=,reat' thans.= That wo#ld give me a !han!e to grill >olli abo#t her naed s#shi times. & wo#ld
never pass #p a !han!e to hear abo#t ro! stars eating s#shi o"" my best "riend.
.So'/ *e$a said' her eyes wide' her smile !are"#lly ne#tral as she looed "rom me to >olli. .&(ll see
yo# aro#nd some time?/
.8e-t 4riday' right?/ >olli made intentionally !heesy "inger g#ns at *e$a' who la#ghed and nodded.
.*e"initely. *e"initely'/ she agreed' ba!ing away in the dire!tion o" the o""i!e doors.
>olli t#rned away "irst' and & "ollowed s#it' not looing ba! to see i" *e$a was still wat!hing her.
>olli is totally open abo#t her se-#ality E whi!h &(m not s#re "its into any easy !lassi"i!ation. She3s
been with both g#ys and girls' and "or a while' in !ollege' she3d had this three%way relationship going
with a married !o#ple. 4or abo#t si- months in 2010' she was in an #nre1#ited love a""air with the
,eorge 5ashington Bridge. She3s pretty delight"#l that way. & now that any time & tal to her abo#t se-
st#""' she3s going to either have tried it' or at least have an opinion on it.
& didn3t now how open *e$a was abo#t hersel"' tho#gh' and & am so not in the maret to o#t people.
& ept the !onversation sa"e on the ride down.
=&t3s !ool that she remembered yo#'= & !ommented as the doors !losed.
=0eah' she3s really ni!eD= >olli hit the lobby b#tton. =& invited her to the party.=
=& gathered that./ & raised an eyebrow. .5hat happened to Rno wor people(?/
=& "ig#red this one e-!eption wo#ld be oay.= >er eyes widened. =5hy' did & do something wrong?
0o# didn(t invite him' did yo#?=
.& don(t thin it(s really his s!ene./ & "elt a little bad "or being relieved by that. & wanted to eep him
as separate "rom the rest o" my li"e as possible. 5e weren(t a !o#ple' and it was weird eno#gh woring
in the same pla!e as the person & was "#!ing. &(d de!ided & wo#ld draw the line at !as#al re!reation with
my "riends.
=0o# start in Bea#ty tomorrow' right?= >olli ased as we stepped o"" the elevator and into the
lobby. .5hy on a 4riday?/
.Be!a#se &(m driving +r. Elwood insane./ & preemptively grinned at her. .8ot in the way yo#(re
thining. *e$a is there to Rtrain( and she doesn(t really need any training. There isn(t m#!h "or me to do
in the o""i!e b#t !lean. Apparently' he "inds my !leaning style Robsessive( and Rpathologi!al(./
.0o#(re going to do so good at this $ob' Sophie'/ >olli said' and the pride in her voi!e warmed me
lie a !#p o" really good hot !ho!olate.
A "risson o" e-!itement tingled all the way down my arms. =A!t#al assistant editor $ob. &t3s going to
be a h#ge !hange./
<#st as we rea!hed the doors' my phone !hirped. &t was 8eil. =>ang on' & have to tae this.=
5e stepped o#tside% be!a#se #nbelievably' the tra""i! on Broadway in lower +anhattan is 1#ieter
than the b#ilding3s s#per e!ho%y lobby% and & answered the !all.
=0es' Sir?= & ass#med he !o#ld hear my !oy little smir thro#gh the phone. B#t when he spoe' &
!o#ld tell it wasn3t time "or "lirting. >e so#nded #tterly overwhelmed' his words !lipped. =&3ve been
!alled away. &3ll be leaving within the ho#r.=
=*o yo# need me to !ome ba!?= & held #p one "inger to >olli' <ae3s !rypti! remars "loating
thro#gh my mind. >ad something gone wrong with the deal? 5as it even possible at this point? & new
absol#tely nothing abo#t how the !ompany had !hanged hands or why.
=8o' it3s nothing wor related.= The tension in his voi!e was apparent. =&3m going home to Bondon.
+y mother has been hospitali6edH they thin she had a stroe.=
=&3m so sorry.= & !o#ldn3t imagine what & wo#ld be going thro#gh i" my mother were in the hospital
an o!ean away. =*o yo# need me to do anything "or yo#?=
=As o" tomorrow morning' yo#3re not my assistant anymore' Sophie'= he reminded me. =& wasn3t
!alling yo# "or a "avor. & wanted to let yo# now be"ore & le"t' so yo# didn3t thin...=
=So & didn3t thin yo# were bree6ing o#t o" my li"e again?= Cn!om"ortably' & had to a!nowledge
that the tho#ght wo#ld have o!!#rred to me.
=0es' e-a!tly.= >e so#nded sheepish at my 1#i! reply.
5hile we were eeping things as no%strings as possible' i" he ran o"" on me again the way he had
a"ter BAI' & wo#ldn3t $#st be pissed. & wo#ld tae an emotional br#ising. & hoped that when o#r
relationship ended' it wo#ld happen with m#t#al respe!t' b#t & !o#ldn(t entirely tr#st that yet.
>e !leared his throat. =& was going to as yo# i" yo# wanted to go o#t and !elebrate yo#r promotion
with me tomorrow night. 8ow &3m a"raid & !an3t' and &3m not s#re &3ll be ba! in time "or o#r weeend'
either.=
=This is way more important' obvio#sly. *on(t worry abo#t things with me' oay? Things are "ine.=
& hesitated be"ore & added' =Boo' i" there3s anything yo# need' !all me.=
=& will. Than yo#.= The een edge o" emotion in those "o#r simple words made my heart a!he. =&3ll
!all yo# when & get ba!.=
& h#ng #p with him' "eeling oddly empty that & wo#ldn(t see him again be"ore he le"t. Then & "elt
shitty and sel"ish. >e was obvio#sly in !risis mode' and & was worried abo#t mysel".
=&s everything !ool?= >olli ased' "rowning at me.
& shoo my head. =8o' he has to go to Bondon.= & omitted the part abo#t =going home= to Bondon.
That bothered me' and & didn(t want to admit it. =>is mom had a stroe.=
=>oly shit' his mom is still alive?= >olli grima!ed' and & new she was imagining the Crypt 7eeper
or something.
& ignored her. =>e3ll be gone "or a while' & g#ess' b#t he didn3t want me to thin he3s taing o""
permanently' lie last time. That3s a good thing' right?=
=& g#ess.= She shr#gged. =& tho#ght it wo#ldn3t really matter' anyway. 0o#3re $#st in it "or the se-.=
& opened my mo#th to protest' b#t "o#nd it strangely di""i!#lt. & stammered a little bit. =&% 0eah.
Aight' b#t & wo#ld miss the se-.=
She raised an eyebrow at me.
=5hat?= & demanded' and she $#st shr#gged and smiled. & shoo my head and waled past her. =&
tho#ght we were going to get some "ood.=
She $#st la#ghed as she "ollowed me down the steps.
J J J J
&t was totally bi6arre to ret#rn to wor the ne-t day and not go to my
old des. &t "elt even weirder not to see 8eil. &3d gone home the night be"ore and immediately !alled
my mom' lie bad mom health was !at!hing or something. 5e(d !hatted abo#t wor and "riends' b#t &(d
de"tly avoided her wheedling in1#iries abo#t my love li"e. She wo#ld not be oay with hearing abo#t my
!as#al *Ss relationship with a g#y older than she was.
A"ter that' &3d lain awae hal" the night' trying to !al!#late the length o" a "light "rom 8ew 0or to
Bondon' wondering where 8eil was. >e3d le"t the o""i!e while &3d been o#t to l#n!h' b#t & had no idea
how long it too to get thro#gh se!#rity or whatever he(d had to do. *e$a had mentioned that he3d taen
a private $et' so & s#pposed he wo#ldn3t be standing in some TSA line with his shoes o""' worrying abo#t
his poor ailing mother.
&t ama6ed me when & waled into the b#ilding and everything hadn3t gro#nd to a halt. To the
!ontrary' when A#dy had taen over r#nning all o" 8eil3s meetings and appointments the day be"ore' it
had "elt a little lie ,abriella was with #s again. Ca#ght #p in everything that had been going on with
regards to my $ob' & hadn3t noti!ed how terri"ied everyone was o" A#dy.
5hen he stopped me on my way thro#gh re!eption and said' =,ood l#! today' Sophie'= & noti!ed
the loos that got me' and & held my head #p a little higher as & !rossed the main o""i!e "loor.
&ndia @a#ghn' senior bea#ty editor' sidled #p ne-t to me as we waled. =Sophie S!ai"e' & thin yo#
$#st got the seal o" approval.=
=*on3t be too intimidated'= & 1#ipped. =>e doesn3t really lie me all that m#!h.=
She shoo my hand' whi!h is a!t#ally pretty tri!y to do when waling side by side with someone. &
was impressed at how pro"essionally & p#lled it o"".
Bet me tell yo# abo#t &ndia. &ndia had been the o""i!e Brit be"ore 8eil !ame to Porteras. She has
bla! hair and light eyes' and loos lie she !o#ld play a president3s wi"e in a movie. She nows more
abo#t nail polish than any other h#man being alive. & on!e went to a Christmas open ho#se at her
apartment' and & swear to god' she had an entire wal%in !loset o" $#st bea#ty prod#!ts' lie she(d taen a
little sli!e o" Clta and slotted it into her home.
She was also an in!redibly demanding boss by rep#tation' and & really wanted to impress her.
=*on3t be nervo#s'= she reass#red me' b#t & didn3t mind being nervo#s. &t helped me stay ahead o"
the game. =,abriella had nothing b#t good things to say abo#t yo#.=
=*id she?= +y mind sp#n. ,abriella had said things abo#t me to &ndia? Be"ore she3d le"t and p#t my
name on that list? *id that mean... =5as ,abriella !onsidering me "or this $ob before she le"t?=
=5ell' yes... didn3t she tell yo#?= &ndia blined at me as she p#shed thro#gh the doors to the bea#ty
department. The room was ama6ing' with lighted vanities and wortables !overed in !ardboard CS9S
bo-es over"lowing with samples o" the latest !osmeti!s. &n one !orner there was a light bo- and a digital
!amera on a tripod. A girl with green%striped bla! hair #p in a messy b#n leaned over the light bo-'
dri66ling sparly nail polish onto a pie!e o" glass.
=<essi!a?= &ndia ased' and the woman straightened. She was wearing the !oolest re!tang#lar
glasses &3d ever seen' and had gorgeo#s brown eyes. =This is <essi!a 8g#yen' o#r other assistant editor.=
=0esD= & remembered her "rom the short%lived online mae#p t#torial series she(d done "or the
maga6ine(s website. & shoo her hand. =& really lied the spring pins last year.=
She beamed at me. =& never tho#ght that wo#ld "ly. 0o# now ,abriella and petal pins.=
=& had "aith in yo#'= &ndia la#ghed. Then she addressed me. =Boo' & now that woring "or
,abriella was e-tremely !hallenging. B#t yo# stayed on "or two years' so & now yo# !an handle this
$ob.=
A phone rang somewhere in the o""i!e' and &ndia e-!#sed hersel" to answer it.
=So' "avorite lipsti!s. ,o.= <essi!a3s eyes twinled at the very mention o" lipsti!' and & reali6ed &
had $#st waled into my dream $ob. 5eird' &(d always seen mysel" more lie <ae' maing a big deal
over important !lothes and designers.
5hen & had been a teenager "lipping thro#gh "ashion maga6ines' the only things in the pages &(d
been able to a""ord on my meager allowan!e were the !osmeti!s. &(d saved "or wees to b#y Clarins eye
shadow 1#ads and Bobbi Brown tinted moist#ri6er. So' & new my shit where prod#!t was !on!erned.
=&llamas1#a 34lare3'= & ti!ed on my "ingertips' =0SB 3Aose Boheme'3 and o" !o#rse +AC3s 39lease
+e.3 *id & pass?=
<essi!a was abo#t to say something when &ndia h#ng #p and headed straight "or the door.
=5hat3s #p?= <essi!a ased' and her !on!ern made me a little worried.
=&t3s A#dy.= &ndia prono#n!ed his name with great disdain' stret!hing the syllables in her woring%
!lass a!!ent' lie "oodee. =&t so#nds lie &3m abo#t to be s!olded.=
=S!olded?= & ased a"ter &ndia le"t. =5hat does she mean?=
=5ell' ever sin!e Elwood too over the maga6ine' he and his little hen!hmen are instit#ting all o"
these b#llshit poli!y !hanges.= <essi!a rolled her eyes at 8eil3s name.
=Cgh'= & pretended to sympathi6e. =5hat di!s' right?=
=0o# now A#dy Ainsworth ni-ed "o#r really good pi!t#res "rom that @ersailles spread?= <essi!a3s
$aw dropped dramati!ally be"ore she !ontin#ed. =Be!a#se they had "#r in them. They3re trying to 3!#t
ba!3 on the #se o" "#r.=
=&n Porteras?= 1o4 dipshit4 in the other maga-ine you work for. =That3s never going to wor.=
<essi!a nodded in agreement =Tell me abo#t it. Come on' let me show yo# aro#nd.=
& have to admit' & was only hal" paying attention to most o" what <essi!a was telling me. )o not
smart on my "irst day in a new $ob' b#t & !o#ldn3t stop thining abo#t what a !olossal mistae it wo#ld be
to !#t "#r "rom the pages o" Porteras. &t wasn3t that & was pro%"#r. *ead animals s1#i!ed me o#t' b#t
anti%"#r designers were thin on the gro#nd. 4#r was a battlegro#nd that 8eil wo#ld lose on' and besides'
where was the line? 4irst "#r' then leather? At least we !o#ld still r#n non%"#r pie!es "rom designers who
#sed "#r' b#t when wo#ld that end?
5itho#t the s#pport o" the designers and advertisers' Porteras really wo#ld "lame o#t' and "ast.
<essi!a was showing me how to photograph a good swat!h o" wet polish % and "inishing the pro$e!t
my arrival had interr#pted in the pro!ess % when &ndia !ame in' !ompletely !rest"allen.
=5e have to start the iss#e over.= She dropped a printed' stapled list onto the !enter wortable.
.4ebr#ary?/ <essi!a !hirped' alarmed. .5e $#st got all the sample re1#ests in./
.<an#ary./ &ndia dropped into her !hair' her head in her hands. .5e have to start over on the
<an#ary iss#e./
=Start over?= <essi!a3s tone indi!ated she !o#ldn3t even !on!eive o" the idea. =B#t we3ll be lie eight
days behind s!hed#le.=
&ndia looed #p' her per"e!t bla! brows li"ted. =5ell' then & s#ppose we sho#ld !lear o#r
s!hed#les.=
=5hat3s wrong with everything? +r. Elwood loved the proo"s at the meeting% /
=8eil Elwood is a horse3s ass'= &ndia snapped' and it was so bl#nt & !o#ldn3t help my horri"ied b#rst
o" la#ghter.
=Sorry'= & m#ttered' !overing my mo#th in shame.
=&t3s all right' Sophie. Sorry./ &ndia pin!hed the bridge o" her nose' her dar brows drawing down'
her eyes s1#ee6ing sh#t tight. =&t3s a new mandate "rom on highH we3re not to "eat#re prod#!ts "rom any
!ompany that tests on animals or #ses ingredients man#"a!t#red by !ompanies that test on animals.=
<essi!a made a ind o" strangled noise. =B%b#t that means no EsteK Ba#der' no Bobbi Brown'
Clini1#e' +AC' 4eai...=
=And no one owned by any o" the !orporations lie 9ro!tor G ,amble' whi!h means yo#r per"#me
pro"ile is a b#st.= &ndia shoo her head. =This is going to red#!e #s to Avon and +ary 7ay. 8ot e-a!tly
high "ashion.=
=Avon and +ary 7ay test on animals'= & s#pplied #nhelp"#lly.
&ndia "or!ed what was very !learly a =we3re "#!ed= ind o" smile. =5ell' & g#ess it3s time to get on
the phone to some ni!e vegans and see what we !an do.=
The day was br#tal. As "ar as "irst days went' it repla!ed the time & started woring at ,A9 on Bla!
4riday as the worst "irst day o" my li"e. 5e spent most o" the morning resear!hing. All o" the samples
we had on hand were "rom !ompanies on the no%no list. &ndia de!ided that we3d spin the month as a
ret#rn to nat#ral bea#ty' in the hopes that someone in management wo#ld see how abs#rd this all was.
Boo' it wasn3t that & wanted to thin abo#t b#nnies getting lipsti! smeared in their eyes' b#t & also
didn3t want my $ob to go down the t#bes. &" word got o#t that the maga6ine was going !r#elty%"ree' we
were going to lose a lot o" ad reven#e.
<essi!a and & did most o" the r#nning in and o#t o" the b#ilding' to stop by !ompany o""i!es "or last
min#te samples' or to department stores to b#y what we !o#ldn3t get overnighted. & was e-ha#sted' my
"eet h#rt' my hands were !overed in eye shadow swat!hes in !olors named .7ale/ and .Brigid(s 4lame/'
b#t & s#pposed it !o#ld have been worse. As & was staggering thro#gh re!eption at eight o3!lo!' *e$a
was still at my old des. She looed #p and waved at me to !ome over.
,oing into the old o""i!e "elt !ompletely weird' and the most bi6arre pang o" homesi!ness gripped
me. *e$a had the i9ad 8eil had lent me' and & almost p#ed #p my heart at the sight o" it. >ad she
looed at it? >ad she seen that pi!t#re?
=+r. Elwood wanted to mae s#re he ret#rned this yesterday' b#t in the !haos with his emergen!y'
he "orgot.= She handed it to me with a smile' not one single hint o" nowing in her e-pression.
Then & "elt g#ilty and paranoid. =Thans'= & said' gest#ring to the door. =&3m going to head home' &3m
beat./
=& heard abo#t the bad timing.= She grima!ed to !onvey her sympatheti! horror. =,et some rest.=
2n the train on the way home' & opened the i9ad. & was hoping to "ind a message or something there
to tide me over #ntil & saw 8eil again' even tho#gh & reali6ed how silly that hope was. &3m s#re "lirting
with me wasn3t high priority when his poor mother was lying in a hospital bed.
Still' & was delighted when !he!ed the notes app.
)ophie
#$m so sorry # can$t be there for your first week in the beauty department. Be assured # am lending
my support from afar. )ince # don$t have your personal email address4 have mine. #$d love to hear from
you4 # find myself missing you already.
P.). 7e%a is under the impression that this iPad belonged to you4 so don8t try to return it at the
office.
>e signed it with his name and an email address &3d never seen be"ore. B#t what & "o!#sed on was
the =missing yo#= bit o" the message. +issing me? >e wo#ld have le"t this note while he was still in the
o""i!e. & have to admit' that made me "eel pretty warm and "#66y.
5hen & got home' >olli was o#t. & p#lled my laptop "rom its #s#al pla!e #nder the !o#!h and
"lipped open the s!reen. Then & logged into ,mail' typed in his address' and stared at the blan message
"ield.
2" !o#rse & wanted to tell him what a h#ge mistae it was "or the maga6ine to go !r#elty%"ree. &
wanted to tell him abo#t all the e-tra wor it !a#sed "or #s' and all the people he was pissing o""' people
he needed to r#n Porteras. & wanted to warn him that these !hanges were too sweeping and s#dden' b#t &
re!ogni6ed that now' when he was a!ross the Atlanti! tending to his mother3s medi!al !risis' was
de"initely not the time.
& was 1#estioning my loyalties' too. *id & want to tell him all o" this be!a#se & was looing o#t "or
him' or the maga6ine? The "a!t that & !o#ldn3t de!ide % and witho#t nowing i" this were an iss#e he
!ared passionately abo#t % was a little too !on"#sing "or me.
2n top o" all that' & didn3t now how m#!h o" o#r relationship was $#st se-y "#n times' and how
m#!h was "riendship. 5as he the ind o" "riend & !o#ld be honest with' or were we still in the =be ni!e'
and mae s#re yo# don3t "#! it #p= stage?
>e wasn3t the only one having di""i!#lties separating the person in his mind "or si- years "rom the
a!t#al person in the new relationship.
Sin!e & wasn3t going to broa!h the s#b$e!t in an email anyway' & tried to let go o" the he!ti! worday
and "o!#sed instead on what & really wanted to say to him. & settled on)
1eil4 # hope everything is okay. 7on$t miss me. #$ll be here when you come back.
3all me if you want. #f not4 that$s okay.
& pa#sed' my "ingers tapping gently on the eys witho#t a!t#ally typing anything. Clearly' te-t was
not my medi#m when it !ame to men. >e3d been pretty emotionally bl#nt with the =& miss yo#= tal.
5as it oay to say something lie that ba!?
& settled on' #$ll be thinking about you' and hit send. & "or!ed mysel" to go to bed witho#t waiting "or
a reply.
Chapter Twelve
&n the wee that "ollowed' my !onta!t with 8eil was !on"ined to short email messages' and that was
"ine by me. 5ith as b#sy as things were at the o""i!e' & wo#ldn3t have had time "or m#!h else.
&ndia' <essi!a' and & wored into the wee ho#rs on the weeend' then !ame in early and stayed late
all the way thro#gh Th#rsday. &3d "orgotten all abo#t the party >olli had wanted to throw "or me #ntil &
was leaving on 4riday morning.
=5e p#shed it ba! to nine so yo#3ll only be an ho#r late'= she 1#ipped as & headed o#t the door. &
really hoped & !o#ld mae it at all. &3d nown that the bea#ty department was a b#sy area o" the
maga6ine' b#t &3d no idea how m#!h planning and e""ort went into sele!ting how the prod#!ts wo#ld be
"eat#red. &3d $#st been in the meetings where they3d shown ,abriella the page proo"s and she had given a
yes or a no.
By the time & got home % to an apartment "#ll o" people at ten o3 !lo!' as >olli had predi!ted % & was
mentally and physi!ally e-ha#sted' b#t mostly !a#ght #p. At least' !a#ght #p eno#gh that we were
taing the weeend o"". 5hi!h was its own ind o" b#mmerH & was s#pposed to have spent the weeend
with 8eil. 5or wo#ld have been a !onvenient distra!tion.
A"ter a 1#i! ro#nd o" greetings and !ongrat#lations on my new position' & e-!#sed mysel" to
!hange "rom wor !lothes to party attire. Then & re$oined everyone to get my so!iali6ation on.
The party was lie most parties attended on 4riday nights by e-ha#sted woring twenty%somethings.
+#si!' boo6e' and taling. At the ris o" maing mysel" and all my "riends so#nd old be"ore o#r time'
the days o" p#shing !o#!hes o"" "ire es!apes were way' way behind #s. &n "a!t' everyone had mostly
!leared o#t by one o3!lo!' e-!ept "or *e$a. She and >olli were ind o" semi%"lirting on the !o#!h' and &
had started to "eel lie a bit o" a third wheel. So when >olli s#ggested we all go o#t and grab something
to eat' & t#rned them down.
=0o# g#ys go' &3ll stay here and !lean some o" this #p'= & said' e-aggerating my yawn. =Then &3m o""
to bed.=
=*on3t !lean it all #p'= >olli warned me. =&3ll be here tomorrow to help.=
A"ter they le"t' & too a trash bag and started !olle!ting red Solo !#ps. & was po#ring o#t an
#n"inished drin in the sin when my phone rang' and 8eil3s n#mber was displayed on the s!reen.
Cntil & saw that n#mber' &3d had no !l#e how m#!h &3d been missing him. & s!rambled to answer'
breathless and dr#n' praying & wo#ldn(t say something st#pid' and bl#rted a lo#d =>iD= into the phone.
=2h' #h' hello. & wasn3t e-pe!ting yo# to so#nd 1#ite so awae.= >e' on the other hand' did not
so#nd awae at all.
&t was probably the e-ha#stion and the boo6e' b#t & almost b#rst into tears o" relie" at "inally taling
to him again. & ept it !ool' than god. =>olli had that party "or me tonight' to !elebrate my promotion'=
& reminded him.
=0es' o" !o#rse. &3m sorry' &3d !ompletely "orgotten. Am & interr#pting it?= he ased.
=8o' not at all'= & ass#red him. =Everyone3s gone already. >ow abo#t yo#' is everything oay?=
=4ine' everything is "ine. &3m a!t#ally ba! in town. +y "light $#st got in and &(m sitting o#tside the
airport now.= There was a bit o" a pa#se' as tho#gh he didn3t now what else to say' and then he ased' =&
hate to bother yo#' b#t wo#ld yo# mind i" & !ame by?=
& !hewed my lip as & s#rveyed my apartment. &t looed lie twenty people had been !rammed in the
small spa!e' drining and hanging o#t.
=At yo#r own ris'= & warned him. =5e did $#st have a party.=
=& #nderstand !ompletely. &3ll see yo# in abo#t an ho#r then? &" it isn(t too late?/
& hadn3t heard him so hope"#l and "l#stered sin!e the night he had !ome to my apartment dr#n and
looing "or a booty !all. &t was adorable. =8o' that isn3t too late.= &t wo#ld p#t me at twenty%two ho#rs
awae' b#t & !o#ld sleep when & was dead. & $#st wanted to see him. As & p#ttered aro#nd the ho#se "or
an ho#r' !onstantly !he!ing the !lo!' & re"#sed to e-amine the an-iety that had my stoma!h all twisted
#p in nots. & missed him' so what? & was allowed to miss him' right?
At some point' & stopped po#ring o#t hal"%empty !#ps and sat down with a drin o" my own. & don3t
now when it was that &3d nodded o""' b#t the inter!om startled me awae. & sloshed r#m and Coe "rom
the !#p onto my se1#ined' white tan top and groaned. =>ang on' &3ll be right thereD=
5hat was & doing? >e !o#ldn(t hear me all the way down on the street. & hit the !all b#tton and
gasped' .Sorry' sorryD &(m b#66ing yo# #p right now./
& dabbed "ranti!ally at the stain with a !r#mpled napin' #ntil he no!ed. 5hen & opened the door'
8eil stepped immediately inside' sweeping me into a !r#shing embra!e.
=& missed yo# so m#!h'= he m#mbled against my ne!' and & staggered ba!ward' my hands !oming
#p between #s to give mysel" a little spa!e.
=5hoa there' !owboyD= & disentangled mysel"' la#ghing. =*id yo# happen to be drining on the
"light?=
>e la#ghed sheepishly and stepped ba!. =&3m sorry' it appears the 7lonopin isn3t entirely o#t o" my
system.=
=0o# tae 7lonopin to "ly?= & la#ghed with him and rose on my tiptoes to iss his !hee' one hand
against the "ront o" his sweater to retain my admittedly wobbly balan!e. =+ost people $#st get
hammered.=
=0es' and it seems that all those people were in yo#r apartment tonight.= >is eyes widened as he
too in the wasteland o" !#ps and paper plates be"ore him. =0o#r living room smells lie a still.=
=8o' that... might be me.= & looed down and br#shed at the stain on my shirt. =Bet me go !hange
o#t o" this... #nless &3m not going to be wearing it "or long?=
>e grinned at me and sh#t the door behind him. & held o#t my hand to him to lead him to my
bedroom.
&t3s strange when yo#3re showing someone the pla!e where yo# live "or the "irst time. 8eil had been
in the apartment be"ore' b#t never my bedroom. 5hen & "lipped on the light' & saw it the way & ass#med
he saw it. The white plaster walls' the green shant#ng d#vet !over and what s#ddenly seemed to be "ar
too many beaded throw pillows. 5ay too m#!h st#""ed !rammed into one small spa!e.
>e gest#red to the dress "orm beside my sewing ma!hine. =*o yo# design !lothing?=
=8o' b#t & do tailor mine.= & shr#gged. =& get a lot o" "ree st#""' not all o" it "its. 0o# !an hang yo#r
!oat on that' i" yo# want.=
+y !loset wasn3t really a !loset as m#!h as it was a water pipe & wasn3t s#pposed to hang st#"" on'
and a lot o" my bedroom window was blo!ed by an enormo#s mirror in a !hipping gilt "rame. & "elt
ind o" embarrassed. +y pla!e looed lie a hostel !ompared to his room at the 5' and & !o#ld only
imagine what his apartment was lie.
>is eyes "ollowed the movements o" my hands as & p#lled the shirt over my head. & smiled to mysel"
and made a beeline to the bathroom. =>ang on' & need to rinse this be"ore it sets.=
+y hands were trembling as & ran !old water over the stain. 5hy was & so nervo#s? <#st be!a#se
8eil was in my apartment? &t wasn3t lie he was going to $#dge me #nworthy be!a#se & wasn(t ri!hH he3d
never on!e given me that impression. And i" he did "ind my room la!ing' so "#!ing what? & wasn3t
trying o#t to be his interior de!orator. & was doing a "riends%with%bene"its ind o" thing with him. >e
probably wasn3t going to t#rn down se- be!a#se my "#66y so!s were on the "loor by my bed.
& heard m#si! start playing so"tly in my bedroom' and & grinned' shaing my head at my own
silliness. >e "elt at home eno#gh to "iddle with my i9od. & !o#ld !alm down abo#t the worthiness o" my
pla!e.
& waled ba! into my bedroom' my arms !rossed over my !hest. 8eil was standing beside my bed'
holding the "ramed pi!t#re o" me and my mom that & ept on my bedside table. >e looed #p g#iltily
and repla!ed it ne-t to my alarm !lo!. =&3m sorryH &3m to#!hing all o" yo#r things.=
=&t3s oay. 0o#3re dr#gged.= & s#ppressed my la#ghter and leaned against the door"rame. &t was
awward to bring #p the s#b$e!t while & was standing there in my bra' b#t & had to as' .So... how(s yo#r
mom doing?/
=+#!h better. +y sister and & de!ided it wo#ld be best i" m#m were to go live with her.= >e
so#nded a bit g#ilty abo#t that. =She(d been staying at my ho#se in Somerset' b#t & thin it(s a bit too
m#!h "or her now./
=0o# have a sister?= & "iled that away. & didn3t now why' be!a#se it wasn(t lie & was ever going to
meet his "amily.
>e nodded and gest#red to the pi!t#re "rame on my nightstand. =*o yo# have any siblings?=
=2nly !hild.= & went to his side and rea!hed down' gently tipping the pi!t#re onto its "a!e. =Single
mom. @ery prote!tive. She doesn3t need to be here "or this.=
>e la#ghed and p#lled me into his arms' and & went' gladly. The #nh#rried tempo o" an A 4ine
4ren6y song l#lled me into a !om"ortable' rela-ed state' as m#!h as his embra!e did. >is hand splayed
against the small o" my ba!' the other slid down my arm' la!ing o#r "ingers together as he slowly
p#lled me into a sway with the m#si!.
=& really' really missed yo#'= he whispered beside my ear as & leaned my head on his sho#lder.
& was dr#n. >e was messed #p on pills. And somehow' this was the single most romanti! moment
o" my li"e.
& had to lighten the room a little' didn3t &? =0o# were only gone "or a wee.=
=Eight days'= he !orre!ted me. >e stilled' and released my hand so he !o#ld tilt my "a!e #p to his
with two "ingers. +y lips parted in a smile as & anti!ipated his iss' b#t he waited' looing in my eyes "or
a moment that too my breath away. =B#t & wasn3t taling abo#t the trip.=
5hy do so many emotions "eel e-a!tly lie a !ollapsed l#ng?
There were a lot o" things & !o#ld say' b#t all o" them might lead to some ind o" pharma!e#ti!al
!on"ession he didn3t mean to mae' and & was way too dr#n to handle that right now. So & said' =Sh#t
#p'= and p#lled his mo#th down to mine.
& was #sed to !ontrolled' !are"#l 8eil. >e wasn(t in tonight. >is hands were everywhere' roaming
over my ba!' t#gging at the !lasp o" my bra #ntil & too pity on him and rea!hed to help him. & slid my
hands #nder his sweater and the b#tton%down beneath it' and he p#lled both over his head' bringing o#r
bare sin together as tho#gh he !o#ldn3t stand to be apart "or another moment.
&3d read the term =ravished= be"ore' &3d $#st never e-pe!ted to #se it in a !onte-t that wasn3t ironi!.
B#t there was no better way to des!ribe the series o" h#ngry' desperate isses that le"t me literally
swooning. 2" !o#rse' the al!ohol had a hand in that as well.
=Bed'= & gasped against his mo#th. & held his "a!e in both my hands as we t#mbled onto the d#vet. &
tossed my bra aside and rea!hed "or the top b#tton o" my pants. >e p#lled me beneath him as &
shimmied my $eans down my legs.
=Boo at yo#'= he m#rm#red against the tops o" my breasts' neading them in his hands. =0o# are
so "#!ing bea#ti"#l.=
& moaned and ar!hed into his to#!h' li"ting my pelvis. & r#bbed mysel" shamelessly against his thigh.
Everything we did was sloppy and !l#msy and aw"#l' b#t so wi!edly hot & didn3t want to stop' not even
when he raised his head in dismay' releasing my nipple "rom his mo#th to say' =&... don3t have a
!ondom.=
Yikes. There was that re!ord s!rat!h again' sobering me $#st eno#gh to !onsider the sit#ation. 5e3d
both had o#r !he!#ps' right? And & was on the pill. B#t the pill !o#ld "ail. 5hat wo#ld & do then? And
did my "ear o" the !onse1#en!es in the long term a!t#ally o#tweigh my horniness in the moment?
8ot one damn bit. =&3m "ine with that' i" yo# are'= & told him.
>e st#died my "a!e "or a moment' !learly weighing things o#t on his end' too. 4or as m#!h good as
all the thining wo#ld do either o" #s in o#r altered states. 8either o" #s sho#ld have been maing this
parti!#lar !hoi!e in this parti!#lar moment. All we !ared abo#t was that we "elt good and were abo#t to
"eel a whole lot better. Sin!e there wasn3t anyone more !apable% or less into-i!ated% in the room' the
!hoi!e was #p to #s.
=2h' "#! it then'= he !on!eded' and p#shed himsel" #p to iss me. & s#!ed at his tong#e' gripped
his sho#lders' writhed shamelessly against him.
& wanted him so badly that & was trembling all over. & wrapped my legs aro#nd his waist' tore my
mo#th "rom his and begged' =9lease.=
>e leaned #p to #nb#!le his belt and #n6ip his "ly' and & s1#irmed o#t o" my panties. There was a
"l#rry o" "ranti! motion between #s' and somehow we ended #p naed' on the sheets instead o" the
d#vet. & straddled his lap' trapping his thi! ere!tion between my p#ssy and his stoma!h. >e groaned in
appre!iation as & slid my sli! my "lesh over the length o" him' grinding my !lit against his impossible
hardness. & !o#ld have teased him lie that "orever' !o#ld have r#bbed mysel" on him #ntil & !ame' b#t &
was too impatient. & shi"ted my hips and rea!hed behind me to grasp him' g#iding him into me.
& have had #nprote!ted inter!o#rse somewhere along the lines o" 6ero times in my entire li"e. +y
mother raised me to view every man & slept with as someone & might have to spend the rest o" my li"e
!o%parenting with' and her lived e-perien!e had instilled deep paranoia in me. &(d never gone bareba!
with anyone be"ore' so it was a totally bi6arre "eeling as 8eil slipped inside me' all velvety and hot' with
nothing separating #s.
=>oly shit'= & rasped' !len!hing my m#s!les aro#nd him. & g#essed by his throaty groan that it "elt
$#st as ama6ing to him.
&t too me a moment to remember to move' and 8eil3s hands "ell to my hips to #rge me along. &
bra!ed my palms on his !hest and sat #p straighter' gasping as he slipped too deep.
& went slow' shi"ting my hips gently to avoid "eeling that sho! o" pain again. & didn3t mind the
=bottoming o#t= "eeling d#ring ro#gh se-' b#t right now' & wasn3t looing "or ro#gh. Aight now' & $#st
wanted him.
>is arms s#rro#nded me' and he !#rled #p "rom the bed to iss my breasts' my sho#lders' my ne!.
+y hair "ell aro#nd both o" #s' and he br#shed it impatiently aside to !over my mo#th with his. >is teeth
gra6ed my lower lip and !a#ght it gently.
Sitting lie this' in his lap with my legs aro#nd his ba!' my hands in his hair' & didn3t have a lot o"
leverage to move. &t made "or an in!redibly tight "it' tho#gh' and & wriggled' trapped on his !o!' #nable
to es!ape the deli!io#s "eeling o" "#llness.
>e !a#ght my arms behind my ba!' held my wrists in one strong hand. Beaning !lose to my ear' he
whispered' =8o' no. *on3t move.=
Shivers ra!ed down my spine. >e e-erted $#st eno#gh press#re on my wrists that it "elt... stern.
Commanding. +y head "ell ba!' my hair br#shing over my sho#lder blades.
=& want to tie yo# #p lie this'= he m#rm#red against my $aw. There was something primal and
dangero#s abo#t my throat being so e-posed to him. 5hen he nipped at my p#lse point' & too in a
breath and held it' and "elt him smile against my ne!. =5o#ld yo# let me do that to yo#?=
=0es' Sir'= & breathed. & needed him to move. & needed something to p#sh me over the edge. >e
tra!ed a path #p to my ear with his tong#e and s#!ed my earlobe into his mo#th.
*amn him. >e new what that did to me. >e "le-ed within me' p#lsing' e-erting s#!h e-1#isite
press#re against my g%spot that all & wanted to do was thrash and writhe on him. The e""e!t o" his voi!e
on my brain was almost eno#gh to throw me over the edge into bliss. >is tong#e swirled over the shell
o" my ear' then $#st behind it' and & d#g my "ingernails into my palms' willing mysel" to sit still. >e
ro!ed inside me' on!e' twi!e' rat!heting my aro#sal higher and higher with barely any movement at all'
and & spiraled o#t o" !ontrol' sho#ting' sh#ddering' trembling.
S#rprising me with his strength' he released my wrists and wrapped an arm aro#nd my waist' rolling
me beneath him. +y p#ssy "elt impossibly tight and "ar too sensitive in the wae o" my orgasm. &
babbled and pra!ti!ally sobbed as he withdrew with tort#ro#s slowness' then eased ba! in. >e slipped
one arm beneath the bend o" my le"t nee and raised my leg' driving deeper' holding me hard to him.
=9lease' please' please'= & gasped' and tho#gh & didn3t now e-a!tly what & was asing "or' & was
totally !on"ident that he did.
2h' he totally did.
>e p#mped into me with long' slow stroes' his hand splayed beside my head' pinning my hair to
the mattress. At "irst' & $#st held on to him' b#t soon & was !l#t!hing the pillows' li"ting my hips' riding
in!redible waves o" pleas#re #ntil another !lima- broe over me. & "elt it tae him over' too' and he
groaned beside my ear as his !o! $ered deep within me.
& gasped' and a"ter a moment' he li"ted his head. =Are yo# alright?=
+y "a!e grew hot with embarrassment' and & !o#ldn3t help my giggles as he slipped "rom me'
hissing #nder his breath.
=&t3s silly'= & protested. >e rolled to lie at my side' and p#lled me into his arms.
=& don3t !are i" it3s silly'= he m#ttered against my "orehead' dropping a iss there to p#n!t#ate his
words =& ased be!a#se & wanted to now.=
=&... #m' &3ve never had lie' "#ll inter!o#rse witho#t a !ondom be"ore'= & !on"essed. Then &
remembered how ine-perien!ed & had been the "irst time we3d been together' and & had to la#gh as &
added' =& didn3t reali6e & wo#ld be able to... "eel it.=
>e la#ghed at that. =& ass#me yo#3re re"erring to% /
=0o#r !#m' yes.= & !o#ld "eel it now' leaing o#t o" me and !oating my thighs. =Sh#t #p' now &3m
embarrassed.=
=*on3t be.= >e tilted my !hin #p so he !o#ld loo me in the eye. =0o# don(t ever have to be
embarrassed with me. 0o# are' witho#t e-!eption' the most e-!iting lover & have ever been with. And
that3s not the anti%an-iety dr#gs taling.=
& snorted. =That3s very ni!e o" yo#' b#t & don3t thin &3m that e-!iting.=
=*on3t be !oy' it doesn3t s#it yo#.= >e rea!hed down and p#lled the sheets and blanets over #s.
Another derisive la#gh "rom me !a#sed him to de"end his position with bl#nt tr#th. =5ell' yo# did let
me "#! yo#r ass the "irst time we met. & tho#ght that was 1#ite advent#ro#s o" yo#.=
& s1#ealed at his !r#de words and slapped his sho#lder. =>ey' yo# led me astray "rom the garden
path' or whatever. &3d never done that be"ore.=
=&3m honored to be yo#r mentor in all o" these depraved pra!ti!es./
&t "elt good to lay in his arms' to have him ne-t to me again. +aybe he was rightH maybe we sho#ld
see ea!h other more o"ten.
Something stirred in the ba! o" my mind. =Can & as yo# something?=
=8o'= he replied sleepily. =8o' we don3t now ea!h other well eno#gh "or something as intimate as a
1#estion.=
& sighed my annoyan!e at his teasing. =Si- years ago... why did yo# tae my plane ti!et' i" yo#
were $#st going to leave me eno#gh money to b#y another one' anyway?=
>is !hest rose #nder my !hee' and he held his breath "or a moment as he !onsidered his answer. =&
didn3t want to strand yo#. & $#st wanted to mae yo# slow down and thin. 0o# were so brilliant and "#ll
o" li"e... & didn3t want to see yo# do something rash o#t o" "ear. & "elt absol#tely helpless to see yo# mae
this mistae "or yo#rsel"... & s#ppose & was playing the role o" Emma3s "ather' rather than Sophie3s one%
night stand.=
=5ell' & made the right !hoi!e'= & !ongrat#lated mysel"' r#bbing the ar!h o" my "oot #p and down
his !al". &t was getting more di""i!#lt to eep my eyes open. & yawned' a bit lo#der than & was e-pe!ting.
=&3m sleepy.=
=*o yo# want me to leave?= he ased' stirring #nder my hand.
& shoo my head and sn#ggled in !loser. =8o. 8o' right now' everything is per"e!t.=
J J J J
& woe to the warmth o" 8eil3s body beside me' the !oarse hair on his !hest beneath my palm. The
late morning s#n ill#minated the room' and d#st motes !heer"#lly dri"ted in the light "rom the window.
>e3d stayed all night. That both pleased and #tterly terri"ied me.
As & sat #p to !he! the time' he stirred beside me' m#rm#ring a sleep thi!' =,ood morning.=
& opened my mo#th to answer him and % 2h god. +y breath.
>e rea!hed "or me' one arm aro#nd my waist' and & 1#i!ly stopped him with a hand against his
sho#lder' my other hand !overing my mo#th. & gasped a horri"ied' m#""led' =8oD=
>e s1#inted at me in the !lean morning light' looing a bit annoyed. =2h' "or "#% do yo# thin &3ve
never smelled morning breath be"ore?=
=0o# haven3t smelled mine' and yo# aren3t going to.= & rolled to my side' "a!ing away "rom him' and
p#lled the blanets over my mo#th.
>e spooned #p behind me' an impressive morning ere!tion pressing against my ass.
=5ell' good morning to yo#' too'= & giggled' and he n#66led his head into my sho#lder to iss my
ne!.
>e !h#!led' and & "elt it r#mbling low and deep in his !hest. =*on3t be too "lattered' it3s be!a#se &
really have to pee.=
=5ell' & g#ess we3re not doing the morning se- thing' then?= & t#rned my head to bat my eyes at him
over the top o" the blanet. >e p#lled away "rom me rel#!tantly. =8o' &3m a"raid not. & have l#n!h with
A#dy at noon' and & need to stop at home and !hange. And !hisel o"" these !onta!ts.=
=0o# wear !onta!ts?= & !o#ldn3t believe &3d never noti!ed them be"ore. & spent eno#gh time staring
into his eyes' a"ter all.
=2nly when & want to see.= >e sat #p on the other side o" the bed' s1#inting as he s!anned the room.
=5e3ll do the big' romanti! morning tomorrow' & promise.=
Tomorrow, 2h' that was right. =*o yo# still want me to !ome over? & mean' sin!e we ind o"
already spent the night?=
=& wanted to spend the weeend with yo#'= he reminded me with a grin. =0o#3re not tired o" me
already?=
Tired o" him? & was a!t#ally a little bit "reaed o#t by how m#!h & lied being with him. &(d never
let a g#y spend the entire night with me be"ore. & don(t now how it had !hanged things' b#t something
de"initely "elt di""erent. Even tho#gh & !o#ldn3t p#t my "inger on it' it worried me. This was a !as#al
relationship. &" & started wanting to spend all my time with him' i" & wanted to start sleeping in the same
bed with him and being !onstantly aro#nd him' that !o#ld be tro#ble.
B#t not eno#gh tro#ble that & wo#ld miss o#t on doing it again.
=8ot even a little. 5hat time do yo# want me?= &3d meant' o" !o#rse' =5hat time do yo# want me to
!ome over'= b#t he gave a bit o" a dismayed la#gh.
=5hen don$t & want yo#?= >e "o#nd his bo-ers beside the bed and slipped them on. =&3ll send a !ar
"or yo# at si-? &s that all right?=
2oh' he was going to send a !ar. & g#ess there were !ertain pers to "#!ing a ri!h g#y. =0#p' that3ll
wor. B#t' #h... yo# might want to p#t on some pants and get that whole ere!tion sit#ation #nder !ontrol.
& do have a roommate.=
& dashed to the bathroom and h#rriedly br#shed my teeth while he got dressed in my room. &
!he!ed my re"le!tion in the mirror' e-amining my ne!. 8o hi!eys. & appre!iated that. +y mae#p'
however' hadn3t made it thro#gh the night' and & was a little morti"ied that he3d seen me looing so
smeared and haggard this morning.
& st#mbled o#t to the living room' giving a sheepish smile to 8eil as we passed ea!h other. >olli
was sitting on the !o#!h' her legs !rossed indergarten lot#s position style. She wore a h#ge sleep shirt
with a !hi!en on it' and ba!on%and%eggs print pa$ama pants. They weren3t a set' she $#st lied to wear
them together to be ma!abre.
=0o#3re #p early.= & tho#ght she(d be passed o#t #ntil noon at least.
=>aven(t been to sleep yet. & !ame home and got s#!ed into this airbr#sh mae#p system
in"omer!ial that was oddly soothing' and then they started showing early morning rer#ns o" ."./ She
raised an eyebrow at me. .Besides' who !o#ld sleep with all the lo#d se- going on?/
+y "a!e got hot. =2h my god' what happened to the not listening poli!y?=
=&t3s not lie & had a !hoi!e.=
8eil emerged "rom the bathroom' wearing the white b#tton down he3d worn beneath his sweater last
night. >e !arried that and his !oat over his arm' his i9hone in his hand. =& !alled my driver while yo#
were in the bathroom. &3ll be o#t o" yo#r hair soon eno#gh.= >e looed ind o" sheepish abo#t that' lie
he tho#ght he was #nwel!ome.
& waved my hand. =Stay a min#te. *o yo# want brea"ast? & don3t thin we have a!t#al "ood here'
b#t & !o#ld probably s!ro#nge #p a reasonable "a!simile.=
=8o "ood?= he looed at me in alarm.
=& ate it all'= >olli admitted pro#dly. =And she3s been woring too m#!h to shop. & hear her boss is a
real asshole and won3t give her a reasonable s!hed#le.=
=& "ear her s!hed#le is o#t o" the asshole3s hands now.= 8eil pa#sed as he regarded >olli. =&
re!ogni6e yo#... yo#3ve been in Porteras.= >e snapped his "ingers. =0es' we were $#st looing at that
res!hed#led $a!et shoot. 0o# were one o" the models.=
& had woen #p in some s#rreal parody o" my own li"e. 8eil had spent the night in my bed lie a
"reaing boy"riend' my apartment was still a !atastrophe' and now & was introd#!ing him to my
roommate? 5as this !ollege again? =2h' #m' 8eil' this is >olli' my roommate. >olli' this is 8eil' my...=
& !o#ldn3t thin o" a word to a!!#rately des!ribe the sit#ation' and besides' she new already. =8eil.=
=&3m to#!hed'= he 1#ipped. >is phone !hirped. =That will be Tony.=
=&3ll !lear o#t'= >olli said' $#mping #p and pa#sing the *@A. 5e try to be !onsiderate o" ea!h other
where dates are !on!erned.
& ept mysel" "irmly on tas as 8eil !ame over and p#t one arm aro#nd my waist. & d#mped !o""ee
into the "ilter and leaned my !hee toward him "or a goodbye iss. S#per !as#al. 8othing weird abo#t
spending an entire night with a g#y. 8ot weird at all.
>is lips br#shed over my ear and he said' low' =& did get yo# a small gi"t in Bondon. & !an3t wait to
#se it on yo#.=
&" &3d had any do#bt in my mind as to what he meant by that' he removed it entirely by sma!ing my
bottom as he t#rned away.
& wondered i" 8eil3s !ar !o#ld wait #ntil a"ter & dragged him to my bedroom. 9robably not' and
besides' he had a l#n!h meeting to attend.
=&3ll see yo# tonight'= he said "rom the door. & $#st grinned in reply.
>olli emerged a"ter he le"t' and res#med her pla!e holding down the !o#!h.
8ow that 8eil was gone' & !o#ld as the 1#estion & had been dying to as sin!e the party last night.
=So... *e$a is !ool' h#h?=
>olli shr#gged. =0eah' she3s oay.=
That was >olli denial spea "or' =& want to marry her and have a million babies and wear mat!hing
o#t"its "or o#r "amily photos.= B#t & wasn3t abo#t to point that o#t' be!a#se she might t#rn it aro#nd on
me.
=5here did yo# g#ys go?= & "lopped onto the !o#!h beside her.
=2h' this really !ool twenty%"o#r ho#r 7orean pla!e she new o". They had the best spi!y bee"
so#p.= >olli sighed' her mood t#rning s#ddenly gl#m. =B#t then... she said it.=
=2h no.= The dreaded thing that people were always saying to >olli. 2r' one o" the dreaded things.
There were several. =30o#3re so l#!y?3=
=0#p. 32oh' yo#3re so l#!y' & have to diet all the time.3 5hy? 5hy' when she3s so !ool?= >olli
shoo her head. =& don3t now i" &3ll hang o#t with her again. &3m $#st getting to the point in my li"e where
& "eel lie & sho#ldn3t have to train people to not say st#pid shit abo#t my body.=
& !hewed my lower lip. 2" !o#rse' she was right. And & sho#ldn3t meddle or anything. B#t they were
so alie' they seemed destined "or ea!h other.
& s#pposed & sho#ld !l#e *e$a in. 2r' & !o#ld mind my own damn b#siness. They were both
grown#ps. &" >olli didn3t lie *e$a' it wasn3t as i" there weren3t millions o" other people in the !ity to
hoo #p with. &" it was going to happen' it wo#ld happen on its own. And it wo#ldn3t happen i" & tried to
mash them together lie two Barbie dolls.
=So' 8eil seems pretty !ool. And he spent the night'= >olli pointed o#t' slowly widening her h#ge
eyes be"ore narrowing them to nowing slits. =There3s more to the story here.=
+y "irst instin!t was to snap that she sho#ld mind her own b#siness be!a#se nothing else was going
on. >olli was my best "riend' she wo#ld see thro#gh that in a heartbeat.
=2ay' & did noti!e he was... slightly more a""e!tionate than #s#al last night. B#t he3s never not been
a""e!tionate toward me. This was di""erent tho#gh. >e was on dr#gs "rom "lying and %/
=2h' he did the 3&3m so high &3m honest3 thing?= She !ringed. =>e didn3t say the B%word' right?=
=8o' oh god. 8o' no' no.= & shoo my head. =>e $#st said he missed me a lot.=
>olli s!o""ed. =2h' that3s not that bad. As long as he didn3t !ry or anything.=
.0eah'/ & agreed' b#t my heart s#ddenly wasn(t in it. +y "#66y memory o" the night started to
slowly "ilter thro#gh some really "#!ing dist#rbing daylight !larity. &(d made some !hoi!es & never
wo#ld have with another g#y' be!a#se & was way more !om"ortable with 8eil than & had ever been with
another g#y. The "a!t that & didn(t now why% or didn(t want to thin abo#t why% didn(t give me a lot o"
"aith in my de!ision%maing sills where he was involved.
&n the past' & wo#ld have #sed that as proo" that things were moving too "ast' that & sho#ld p#t some
distan!e between mysel" and the ob$e!t o" my !on"#sion. &(d $#st had a whole wee(s worth o" distan!e
"rom 8eil' and it hadn(t helped. &t had $#st m#ddled my brain #p even more.
5as & doing what he(d admitted to doing' mi-ing #p the g#y &(d "antasi6ed abo#t "or years with the
man & was $#st getting to now? & s#pposed that !o#ld have been a part o" it. +y daydreams had all been
stri!tly !on"ined to se-. &(d never given any tho#ght to what might happen i" he really showed #p in my
li"e again' or what my "eelings might be.
Tempting as it was to spill o#t all o" this to >olli right that se!ond' & wasn(t s#re & !o#ld "a!e s#!h a
!onversation with a hangover. & got my !o""ee and headed ba! to my room' where & pla!ed the m#g on
my nightstand and "lopped onto my bed. & !o#ld smell 8eil(s !ologne on my pillow. & am not pro#d o"
the way & b#ried my "a!e into the pillow!ase and s1#ealed lie a teenager' b#t it happened.
So' things were moving 1#i!ly' when & hadn(t e-pe!ted any !hange. 5as that eno#gh "or me to
slam on the braes?
8ot even a little bit.
Chapter Thirteen
& de!ided that 8eil(s !on"#sing de!laration abo#t how m#!h he missed me had more to do with
7lonopin than any amo#nt o" a!t#al missing me. To p#t mysel" at ease abo#t $#st how physi!al and not
emotional o#r relationship was' & planned to show #p at his pla!e looing lie a se- bomb in mid%
e-plosion.
>olli has this really awesome *G, bla! t#lle dress with a tiny waist and boned bodi!e. 8ormally'
& wo#ld never dream o" borrowing her !lothes. & wear a si6e "o#r' and she wears a si6e 6ero. Adding in
her Ama6onian height' o#r wardrobes are $#st not !ompatible. >owever' the point was not to have
everything "irmly strapped down tonight' or even to have the dress on "or very long. Even tho#gh we
had to wor s#per hard to get the 6ipper #p% and breathing was probably not going to be an option% it
was worth it.
Beneath the dress' & wore the la!y bla! Agent 9rovo!ate#r !orset & had saved "or months to b#y'
and bla! sil thigh%highs with a dar seam #p the ba!s. 8o panties. That3s $#st how & was gonna roll.
5hen & stepped o#t o" the bathroom all glammed #p' with my hair long and loose aro#nd the
perilo#sly tight straps o" the dress' >olli whistled.
=Than yo#.= & did a st#pid little !#rtsey in my heels. The door b#66ed' and & h#rried to the inter!om
to answer' =&3ll be right down.=
=<#st mae s#re he doesn3t rip it o"" o" yo#'= she warned. =&t3s my "avorite.=
& grabbed my !oat o"" the ra! by the door and shr#gged it on' then pi!ed #p the overnight bag &3d
pa!ed. Bending down "elt lie & was in a "#ll%body !ast' b#t my tits looed ama6ing. =8o ripping' & will
tell him.=
=And don3t get !#m on it'= she !alled a"ter me as & stepped o#t the door.
& giggled and sh#shed her. & really hoped none o" o#r indly old neighbors heard that remar
e!hoing in the stairwell.
The +ayba!h was waiting downstairs' the driver standing beside it awwardly. =+r. Elwood
spe!i"i!ally re1#ested that & not get yo#r door "or yo#... #nless yo# wanted me to.=
& smiled and shoo my head. =5o#ld it mae yo# "eel better to get the door?/
=A lot better' thans'= the g#y said' grinning as he too my bag. & s!ooted inside the !ar !are"#lly'
mind"#l o" the s#per short dress. +y boobs wobbled pre!ario#sly' barely !ontained' and & was s#per glad
& had a !oat on.
The partition between the "ront and ba! was down' so on!e we were #nderway' & ased the driver'
=>ey' #h... where does 8eil live' e-a!tly?=
=8ine%si-ty 4i"th Aven#e.= The driver3s eyes met mine in the rearview mirror. =0o#(ve never been
to his pla!e be"ore?=
=8o' "irst time.= &t too a min#te "or the address to really hit me. =5ait' did yo# say 4i"th?=
=4i"th' par ad$a!ent.= The g#y had a !heer"#l' woring !lass 8ew 0or a!!ent. =There3s a doorman'
he3ll get yo# pointed in the right dire!tion.=
2ay. So' & was ind o" sleeping with a g#y who' yeah' & new he had some money. &t hadn(t
seemed this intimidating be"ore now. 5hi!h was totally st#pid' be!a#se a"ter all' &3d been willing to
sleep with him when &3d $#st tho#ght he was a writer heading to Toyo.
Still' & !o#ldn3t help b#t "eel some trepidation when we p#lled #p in "ront o" the digni"ied pre%war
b#ilding.
=This is +r. Elwood3s g#est' mae s#re she gets #pstairs all right'/ the driver instr#!ted the
doorman. & !l#t!hed my overnight bag as we headed thro#gh the posh de!orated lobby' straight to the
elevator.
=+r. Elwood is the si-th "loor. &3ll let him now yo#3re on the way #p.=
+aybe in the "#t#re it wo#ld be more !om"ortable at my pla!e' where there wasn3t a =get 8eil
Elwood laid= !ommittee woring behind the s!enes. Serio#sly' & was e-pe!ting an elevator operator to
greet me with' =5hi!h "loor? 2h' +r. Elwood? >ave a ni!e "#!D= B#t than"#lly' & was on my own "or
the ride.
The doors opened onto a "oyer that looed e-a!tly how & imagined the hall o" doors Ali!e t#mbled
into a"ter "alling down the rabbit hole. The golden wood paneling on the walls seemed to glow' thans to
the light "rom the bron6e and ivory glass pendant "i-t#re overhead. The "loor was white and bla! !he!'
all in marble. The door s#btly mat!hed the paneling' and when it opened' & e-pe!ted a b#tler lie B#r!h
or something to be standing there. B#t it was $#st 8eil' looing s#rprisingly !as#al in a sweater and
$eans.
=Boo at yo#.= >e beamed at me in open appre!iation. =Come in' !ome in.=
&" he tho#ght my hair and mae#p were good' he was going to die when he saw the dress. & dropped
my bag at my "eet as he rea!hed to help me with my !oat. & slipped my arms "rom the sleeves and t#rned
to "a!e him' so he got the "#ll view o" my epi! !leavage balan!ed on the whim o" gravity in the top o" the
dress.
=<es#s Christ.= The blasphemy !rossed his lips in a reverent gasp' and he p#lled me into his arms so
"ast & st#mbled in my too%tall heels.
The iss & got was e-a!tly the response & was looing "or. & melted against him' my !oat !r#shed
between #s' my mo#th !oming open #nder his. >is arms wo#nd aro#nd my waist' holding me #p'
holding me !aptive. >e let me go too soon' tho#gh' and & tottered in my shoes' gripping his arms "or
s#pport.
>e raised his head' a mi-t#re o" !on"#sion and embarrassment in his #n!ertain e-pression. +y
lipsti! was sm#dged a!ross his mo#th' and there was a pa#se be"ore he spoe' lie he wasn(t s#re what
to say. =Sorry abo#t that. 0o# s#rprised me.=
=That was the point.= & gingerly ran my th#mb along my bottom lip line. =2h' now this is
embarrassing. 5e3re wearing the same shade.=
>e wiped at his mo#th with the ba! o" his hand. =There3s a powder room thro#gh there.=
& too noti!e o" my s#rro#ndings "or the "irst time. The !he!ed marble "rom the vestib#le
!ontin#ed into the larger interior "oyer' b#t the walls here were painted linen white. A hal"%bath stood
open to the right' and & stepped in $#st long eno#gh to !he! my lipsti! in the mirror. 5hen & t#rned
ba!' 8eil had h#ng #p my !oat. >e gest#red to the other doors. =Bet me show yo# aro#nd. & sho#ld do
at least that m#!h be"ore & rip that dress o"" yo#.=
=0o# !an3t rip it' it3s >olli3s' and it(s her "avorite'= & told him sternly as & "ollowed him "#rther into
the apartment. There was a hallway to the le"t o" the "ront door. & reali6ed the elevator m#st r#n thro#gh
the !enter o" the apartment.
=Three bedrooms that way' media room' gym' and servi!e.= >e waved it o"" as tho#gh those details
were #nimportant. =And "ine' & won3t rip the dress.=
=Servi!e?= The word seemed #tterly "oreign to me as & tried to pla!e e-a!tly what type o" room
wo#ld be !onsidered a servi!e room. Then it snapped into pla!e. =2h' lie a maid?=
=A ho#seeeper' b#t &3ve given her the night o"". She doesn3t live here' anyway. & #se those rooms
mostly "or storage.= >e motioned toward the other side o" the "oyer' where a short B%shaped hallway
bent o#t o" sight. =That way is the master s#ite% we had better leave that part #ntil a"ter dinner' & thin%
and there is the library.=
=Bibrary?= & let him g#ide me with his hand on my ba!. >e rea!hed thro#gh the door and "lipped
the light swit!h' and it seemed "ar too !as#al a motion to herald the revelation o" 4ren!h Empire style
"#rnishings and a "loor%to%!eiling !olle!tion o" gorgeo#s' leather bo#nd boos.
& s!r#tini6ed the shelves "rom the door. =0o# don3t really read these' do yo#? They all mat!h.=
=&3ve read some'= he de"ended himsel". =B#t yo#3re rightH the boos "or reading are in my bedroom.
These are $#st a shamelessly showy !olle!tion./
& waled with him to the living room' a h#ge spa!e with high !eilings and a monstro#sly large stone
"irepla!e. The "#rnit#re % a !o#!h' a ba!less so"a' a "ew !hairs and a low' blo!y mahogany table % were
all modern' b#t "lavored by !lassi! styles. All the #pholstery was a shade o" pale eggshell that highly
dis!o#raged eating or drining near them. 2verhead' dar wood beams !rossed the !eiling' and the
largest embroidered r#g &3d ever seen !on!ealed the wood par1#et that wo#ldn3t have mat!hed the
"#rnishing.
2ay. *eep breaths. 8eil was really' really' really s#per ri!h. & g#ess it had been easy eno#gh to
ignore when he was living in a hotel room. A swany hotel room' b#t still' te!hni!ally homeless. 0eah'
he rode aro#nd in a +ayba!h' that sho#ld have !l#ed me in' b#t to see the pla!e he a!t#ally !alled home?
5ell' my reality was signi"i!antly ad$#sted.
=The it!hen is this way'= he led me thro#gh the ar!hed glass do#ble doors at the other end o" the
living room. 5e moved thro#gh the dining room' past the long table and its "o#rteen !hairs' and we
passed thro#gh another door into the it!hen.
=& was $#st !ooing dinner'= 8eil e-plained' moving away "rom me to the h#ge marble%topped
island in the !enter o" the room. There were tall wro#ght%iron !hairs positioned on the side opposite the
stove' and & too a seat as gra!e"#lly as & !o#ld in the world(s tightest dress. 2n the other side o" the
island was a !#tting board heaped with bo !hoy and sli!ed m#shrooms.
=0o# gave yo#r ho#seeeper the night o"" so yo# !o#ld !oo "or me?= That was very sweet' and it
p#t me more at ease. & wat!hed as 8eil e-pertly !#t a pepper into thin sli!es' his "orearms "le-ing s#btly
beneath his rolled ba! sleeves.
>e smiled and s!raped the sli!es aside' rea!hing "or a !love o" garli!. =& gave my ho#seeeper the
night o"" so & !o#ld "#! yo# in any room & wanted.=
+y p#lse sped #p.
=And to impress yo# with my !#linary sill' o" !o#rse.= >e looed #p' wined at me' and t#rned his
attention ba! to min!ing the garli!. =There3s water in the !ooler' or white wine' i" it won3t mae yo# too
tipsy.=
=5hat3s wrong with tipsy?= & slid o"" the !hair and peeed aro#nd the !orner o" the island. There
was a b#ilt%in' glass%"ront !ooler beneath the island3s bar sin' and it was "#lly sto!ed with bottled
water. Two bottles o" wine rested on their side' and & was rea!hing "or one when 8eil e-plained e-a!tly
what was wrong with tipsy.
=&(m not !om"ortable playing with a s#b who(s dr#n./
& grabbed a bottled water. =So#nds lie yo# have plans' Sir.=
There was that hal"%smile again' the one that made me wea all over. & leaned against the !o#nter
beside him' willing him to stop !hopping #p vegetables and $#st to#!h me already. Somewhere'
anywhere' it didn3t matter.
5e were on more !om"ortable gro#nd now' & reali6ed. There was no tal abo#t missing anyone'
nothing even vag#ely sentimental. & was there to be "#!ed' to !ontin#e o#r p#rely se-#al relationship
with a side o" #nthreatening "riendship. This' & !o#ld handle.
>e laid the it!hen ni"e aside and wiped his hands on a towel' looing down at me with am#sed
heat in his eyes. >e seemed to loom over meH & always "orgot how tall he was' !ompared to "ive%"oot%
"o#r me. & "elt tiny ne-t to him' strangely v#lnerable' b#t not a"raid' even when he !aressed the ba! o"
my ne! and e-erted gentle press#re to bend me over the !o#nter.
=& lie these sto!ings'= he m#rm#red !lose to my ear' bending down to tra!e his "ingers #p the dar
ba! seam "rom my nee to the thi! bla! band at the top. >is "ingers sated along the !#rve o" one
bare !hee' and he whispered in approval' =8a#ghty girl.=
>e hit!hed my sirt #p high' e-posing my naed lower hal" to his ga6e. >is palm smoothed over my
sin and & shivered' waiting "or the slap that & new wo#ld !ome. Event#ally. +y p#ssy !len!hed with
the anti!ipation' b#t when he li"ted his hand' it was to rea!h "or something on the !o#nter' not to span
me.
& raised my head. >e held a wooden spoon' and he slapped it hard against his open palm.
=2h "#! yes'/ & moaned. +y toes !#rled in my shoes. & didn3t have to wait long "or the "irst blow'
whi!h s#rprised me and $ered a ragged !ry "rom my lips. &t was de"initely more intense than his hand'
more o" a s#r"a!e pain on my sin than the deep' br#ising b#rn o" a hard slap.
.5hat sho#ld yo# say' Sophie?/
.Than yo#' Sir./ And & was grate"#l with every s!or!hing hot !ell in my body.
>is other hand slipped aro#nd the "ront o" my throat' #p to !over my mo#th' two "ingers "or!ing
past my lips. & s#!ed on them' tasting the garli! and the peppers he had !#t #p. & almost la#ghed at that'
at the abs#rdity o" being spaned over a it!hen !o#nter in the middle o" dinner prep.
=0o#3ll pardon me i" & don3t really give this my all.= >e sma!ed me with the spoon again' and &
$#mped. =B#t & have plans "or more... intense a!tivity later. & wo#ldn3t want yo# to be too sore to en$oy
it.=
& moaned and swirled my tong#e aro#nd his "ingers. +y !lit a!hed to be to#!hed' b#t & had no do#bt
he was going to mae me wait an eternity be"ore & !o#ld !ome.
>onestly' that didn3t bother me as m#!h as it wo#ld have in the past. & lied the idea o" waiting. &
new that the entire time he was teasing me' maing me die "rom anti!ipation' & was as m#!h the "o!#s
o" his attention as he was mine.
>e gave me another wha! with the wooden spoon' then $ered my sirt ba! down and p#lled his
"ingers "rom my mo#th. >e t#rned away and washed his hands at the bar sin as & stood #p' my head
spinning. Then he went !as#ally ba! to the !#tting board to grate some ginger with the edge o" his
ni"e.
& st#mbled to the !hair &3d been in' and he passed me the bottle o" water &3d "orgotten' smiling
pleasantly as tho#gh nothing had $#st happened. =& hope yo# lie sea bass.=
*amn him. >e new e-a!tly what he was doing to me. >e was tort#ring himsel"' as wellH & !o#ld
tell "rom the slight tremor in his hands as he wored.
Still' he hadn3t been idding abo#t showing o"" his !#linary prowess. &3d been somewhat !on!erned
that the whole !ooing%me%dinner thing had been "or show' to display how =normal= he was despite
living in a 4i"th "reaing Aven#e pala!e. B#t he was a!t#ally a really good !oo' whipping #p an
ama6ing meal o" grilled sea bass on a bed o" peppers' bo !hoy' and shiitae m#shrooms in a ginger and
!hili sa#!e. 5e settled down at the noo in the it!hen.
=The "ormal dining room is a bit... "ormal' & thin'= he s#ggested' and & heartily agreed.
5e taled' mostly abo#t wor and how things were going there. &t was a sa"e topi!' one that wasn3t
too personal "or "riendly !hatter' nothing that wo#ld p#sh #s into real =getting to now yo#= territory.
Cn"ort#nately' some personal details were #navoidable. There were pi!t#res on the wall' o" his
da#ghter & pres#med. & tried not to loo at those.
>e m#st have nown that &(d been rattled by his demeanor in my apartment the night be"ore'
be!a#se near the end o" the meal he said' =Sophie' & want to apologi6e i" &3ve... !rossed any bo#ndaries
with yo#. Bast night & wasn3t mysel".=
=&t3s oay. & $#st... yo# said something.= & stopped mysel". =+aybe this isn3t the right time to tal
abo#t it.=
>e smiled sadly. =&3ve learned my lesson when it !omes to relationships. &" there3s anything yo#
!an3t tal abo#t' that3s liely the thing yo# sho#ld be taling abo#t.=
=& bow to yo#r pain"#l e-perien!e'= & said' trying to mae light o" the sit#ation and "eeling it "all "lat
between #s. So !learly' $oing abo#t his divor!e was a bad !hoi!e. =5hen yo# were... high on 7lonopin
last night' yo# said that yo# missed me' and yo# weren3t taling abo#t the trip.=
>e nodded' and he didn3t meet my eyes. &t was a de"ense me!hanism' & reali6ed' and my stoma!h
dropped. 5hen he answered' his voi!e was #n!hara!teristi!ally 1#iet and serio#s' witho#t any hint o" the
play"#l teasing & was #sed to. =& wish things had happened di""erently between #s. As &3ve gotten to
now yo# over these past "ew wees' & !an3t help b#t thin that we missed an ama6ing opport#nity with
ea!h other.=
=2r not.= & dabbed the !orner o" my mo#th with my napin. =& don3t thin &3m a "#lly "ormed person
yet' imagine me si- years ago.=
=Tr#e. And perhaps we wo#ldn3t be sitting here now.= >e regarded me with his #nreadable hal"%
smile that & will probably never "ig#re o#t.
+y heart was ra!ing' and "or entirely di""erent reasons than my earlier e-!itement. This was heavier
than &3d imagined the night wo#ld be. & was !a#ght between being a"raid o" what & was "eeling and being
a"raid o" what he was "eeling. The la! o" !ontrol was #nsettling.
>e rea!hed a!ross the table and too my hand in his. & "elt lie & might get #p and bolt' #ntil he
lined o#r little "ingers together in the !lassi! pinie%swear pose. =Bet3s mae a pa!t. 8o matter what
happens with o#r !#rrent arrangement' we remain on "riendly terms. & don3t ever want to go si- years
witho#t seeing yo# again.=
There was that sneay not in my !hest again' the one & never reali6ed was there #ntil it eased
slightly at something he said or did. =& !an live with that.=
There was a long moment between #s' one that had beg#n in !om"ortable silen!e then ended with an
awward !learing o" the throat on 8eil3s part.
The mood needed a reset b#tton. =So' any big a"ter dinner plans?= & slipped my shoe o"" #nder the
table and ran my sil%!overed toes #p his anle.
>e raised an eyebrow. =As a matter o" "a!t' & have to give yo# yo#r present.=
& p#shed ba! my plate. =& am always ready "or presents.=
J J J J
5e didn(t !lear the table be"ore he led me to the master bedroom. >e t#rned #p the dimmer swit!h'
bathing the walls in a so"t golden glow "rom the inset lights.
=5ow.= >is bedroom that was arg#ably as large as my apartment.
>#ge windows displayed a spe!ta!#lar view o" Central 9ar. 2ne wall was entirely dominated by
dar wood shelving. This was !learly where all the boos that didn3t have mat!hing leather bo#nd !overs
lived' and in the middle o" them was the biggest bed &3d ever seen in my entire li"e.
=Some headboard.= & whistled to signi"y how impressed & was as & waled toward the shelves. &
spied a biography o" <ohn Adams beside a !opy o" >#go3s &es (iserables. They both had !reases in
their spines.
& may have "elt a swoon !oming on.
=& told yo# & read'= he said de"ensively as he moved thro#gh the seating area in "ront o" the marble
"irepla!e. &t was de"initely a smaller hearth than the one in the living room' b#t still... the man had a
"irepla!e in his bedroom. And !o#!hes and !hairs that & was pretty s#re were anti1#es. >e disappeared
thro#gh a door that was the same dar wood as everything else in the room' and !alled "or me to "ollow
him.
&t was a wal%in !loset. 5ait' strie that. &t was an honest%to%god dressing room. S#it $a!ets and
shirts h#ng in order o" !olor and te-t#re. There were drawers everywhere' !edar%lined' $#dging by the
!risp s!ent in the air. &ll#minated glass shelves displayed wat!hes and !#""lins that ea!h probably !ost
more than a year o" my salary. 4#rther ba! was a !olle!tion o" shoes that !emented my opinion o" 8eil
as some ind o" male Carrie Bradshaw' and a doorway that led to the master bath. The "loor in here was
herringbone patterned wood par1#et' b#t "or!ed air vents heated it at "oot level. 4or bare "eet.
2ay' the g#y & was having se- with was ri!h eno#gh that he had spe!ial heaters "or waling
bare"oot in his !loset. & may have been in over my head.
A nearly "#ll%length tri"old mirror was b#ilt in between the $a!ets and pants' and lit "rom above
with !an lights. >e stopped me "rom going any "#rther' and sat down in the deli!ate white wing !hair in
"ront o" it. 8o shit' he really had room "or an honest%to%god !hair in his !loset.
+y !loset was $#st a pipe that wasn(t s#pposed to bear weight.
=5hy don3t yo# tae that dress o""?= he s#ggested' settling ba! and resting one anle atop his
opposite nee.
=& tho#ght & was getting a present'= & reminded him.
=0o# will. &3d lie mine "irst.= >e bra!ed his elbows on the arms o" the !hair and steepled the tips o"
his "ingers. =&t3s not a re1#est. Tae o"" the dress.=
A shiver ra!ed down my spine. ,od' & loved "ollowing instr#!tions.
& rea!hed behind me "or the 6ipper' !ons!io#s that he !o#ld see my every movement in the
re"le!tion behind me. Be!a#se o" this' & posed my hand' rea!hing #nder the 6ipper as tho#gh & were
pl#!ing a berry' and slowly drew it down. The room was so 1#iet that & !o#ld hear every tooth part and
the whisper o" the t#lle as & p#shed the "abri! "rom my sho#lders. & gave a little wriggle' and the dress
"ell "ree' revealing my bla! la!e overlay !orset.
=5ho did yo# wear that "or?= he ased' his deep voi!e warning that there was only one right
answer.
=4or yo#' Sir.= +y breasts swelled over the top o" the !orset as & too a deep breath.
=And yo# didn3t wear any panties? 5as that also "or me?=
=0es' Sir.=
=Tell me why.= >e "i-ed me with his intense green ga6e' almost predatory.
& wet my lips' my p#lse po#nding between my legs' my p#ssy "looding with every beat. =Be!a#se...
& wanted to mae it easy "or yo#. & wanted yo# to be able to to#!h me.=
=0o# don3t have to mae it easy "or me.= >e looed my body #p and down' and it was lie a
physi!al !aress. =&" & wanted yo#' & !o#ld have yo#. 5e both now that.=
=0es' Sir.= >e wo#ld "ind no arg#ment "rom me. 8ot when & "elt lie thisH all & wanted was to please
him. =Any time. Anywhere.=
& !o#ld say that' and mean it with my entire so#l' witho#t "ear o" reproa!h. 5e !o#ld s#rrender
o#rselves to ea!h other when it was a game. >e !o#ld give himsel" wholly to me' thro#gh his !ontrol'
and & wo#ld own him as m#!h as he owned me.
=Come here.= >e !rooed a "inger at me' and & obeyed easily' waling toward him #ntil he held #p a
hand to stop me. =That3s "ar eno#gh.=
>e rea!hed o#t with two "ingers and tra!ed the neatly trimmed line o" hair on my mo#nd' down my
slit' parting me' simming over my already in"lamed "lesh. =Tell me again... when !an & have this?=
=Any time' Sir.= & too a breath' nowing my re1#est wo#ld be denied be"ore & even #ttered it.
=8ow' Sir.=
>e too his hand away. <#st lie & new he wo#ld. >e stood' p#tting his arms aro#nd me to gently
t#rn me' #ntil & "a!ed o#r re"le!tions in the mirror. >e held my ga6e in the glass' one hand splayed
possessively a!ross my stoma!h over the !orset. 5ith his other hand he stroed my hair ba! "rom my
bare sho#lder' his to#!h lingering on my sin. >e rea!hed into the !orset' his "ingers neading my breast
beneath the satin lining' p#lling my nipple "ree to pee above the bla! la!e. =0o# are per"e!tion'
Sophie.=
& whimpered as he !ir!led my nipple with his th#mb. >e swirled it over the pea' "#rther p#!ering
my sin and raising goose"lesh on my arms.
=& thin yo#3re ready "or yo#r presents now'= he m#rm#red against my ne!. =Tae this o"". Beave
the sto!ings and heels. &3ll be right ba!.=
>e le"t me in the !loset' moving o"" to somewhere in the bedroom. & #nhooed the "ront o" the
!orset and let it "all' "rowning at the red indentations it had le"t on my sin. Ah well' i" it didn3t bother
him to leave red mars on my ass' it wo#ldn3t bother him to see my !lothes leaving them everywhere
else. & sni!ered at that' and "rom the doorway 8eil ased' =5hat3s so "#nny?=
=8othing.= & shr#gged. =<#st giddy with anti!ipation.=
>e raised an eyebrow at me' his ga6e dropping to my e-posed breasts "or a moment be"ore he held
#p my present. 2r' presents' pl#ral' sin!e he held an item in ea!h hand. &n his le"t' a broad' leather%
!overed paddle abo#t the si6e o" a small !#tting boardH in his right' an open $ewelry bo- holding two
long' twee6er%lie !lamps with deli!ate bla! beads dangling "rom them.
=2h.= & too a deep breath at the sight. &3d heard abo#t st#"" lie this be"ore' and seen it on the
internet in some very enlightening videos' b#t & never really tho#ght & wo#ld get a !han!e to try it o#t.
&3d never been entirely s#re that my previo#s partners wo#ldn3t mae "#n o" me "or e-pressing an
interest.
8ow' here was a partner who not only wo#ldn3t la#gh' b#t who3d taen the initiative to mae one o"
my "antasies a reality. Even tho#gh he !o#ldn3t have possibly nown.
>e set the bo- and paddle on the shel" below his s#it $a!ets. =0o#3re not r#nning away' that3s
en!o#raging.=
=& wo#ldn3t leave right now i" this pla!e were on "ire.= & pressed my thighs together. =9lease' 8eil.=
=T#rn aro#nd.= >is voi!e was s#ddenly gr#""' and that only made me hotter. =5hat are yo# to !all
me?=
=Sir'= & p#rred' #nable to stop the giddy smile that broe a!ross my "a!e.
& gave a sideways glan!e to the mirror and saw him smiling to himsel"' too' as he p#lled the !lamps
"rom their bla! velvet bed. =Can & tr#st yo# to eep yo#r eyes open?=
& shivered. =0es' Sir.=
=&" yo# eep yo#r eyes open' & will let yo# !ome be"ore we leave this room. &" yo# !lose them' &3ll
mae yo# wait a very' very long time. *o yo# #nderstand?=
=5hat abo#t blining' Sir?=
>e swatted my behind lightly. =2bvio#sly blining is allowed. B#t & want yo# to see yo#rsel"
!oming' Sophie.=
=2h.= +y !hest $ered with my s#dden breath.
>e li"ted one o" the nipple !lamps and slid the ring down to ad$#st the tension. Tho#gh the !lamps
were open as wide as they !o#ld go' they still d#g "irmly into my nipple when he p#shed them into
pla!e. The tightness was immediate and intense' b#t he slowly slid the ring toward my nipple' one tiny
p#sh at a time. =Tell me when it3s too m#!h.=
& was sorely tempted to say =whenD= and !all the whole thing o""' b#t on!e the initial sho! o" the
new sensation wore o""' & "o#nd mysel" wondering with a sort o" perverted !#riosity how m#!h & !o#ld
tae. & groaned as the tension grew' "elt my eyes "l#ttering !losed' b#t then & remembered his warning'
and what he3d promised.
The deep' b#rning pin!h grew too #n!om"ortable' and & gasped' =too m#!h'= be"ore he released
some o" the tension' $#st a bit. Then' with the same !are"#l attention' he repeated the pro!ess on the other
side. 5hen & looed in the mirror' & saw my nipples' dar red between the bla! pin!hers o" the !lamps'
and "elt the motion o" the dangling $ewels in my swollen' a!hing breasts.
>e li"ted the $ewels o" one !lip with his inde- "inger. =*o yo# lie them?=
& nodded. The sensations they !a#sed were so een and bi6arre. 5hile they did h#rt' it wasn3t an
#nbearable pain' and the tips o" my nipples' !a#ght between the long' slender teeth o" the !lamps' were
already more eager' pleading to be to#!hed. 5hen he let go o" the $ewel' the swinging motion o" even
that slight weight seemed to sh#dder thro#gh my whole body. >e spread his hand and to#!hed me
lightly with $#st the "leshy pads below his "ingers' slowly br#shing ba! and "orth over my a!hing
nipple. Even that gentle !aress seemed lie lightning thro#gh me.
>e li"ted my breasts in his hands' bent his head to "li! his tong#e over the throbbing points
!onstrained by the !lamps. & gasped at the ampli"ied "eeling' the "amiliar p#ll that made my !#nt grasp
helplessly. B#t all too soon' he let me go' to stand there "#ll and heavy and a!hing as he looed me over.
=5o#ld yo# lie to !ome now' Sophie?= he ased' !#pping my !hee and tilting my head #p to loo
into my eyes.
=0es' please' Sir.= 5as that my voi!e' all needy and trem#lo#s? Co#ld that really be me?
>e p#lled me against him' his so"t sweater lie briars against my oversensitive breasts. & imagined
them swelling' "illing' growing ripe lie pea!hes straining at their own sin. >e stepped ba! and p#lled
his sweater over his head' and & wanted him to embra!e me again' to bring o#r naed sin together.
&nstead' he dropped to his nees be"ore me' reminding me' =7eep yo#r eyes open' or &3ll stop.=
9arting me with his th#mbs' he leaned "orward and swiped his tong#e over my straining !lit. A long
moan o" relie" tore "rom my throat' and my eyes began to slide !losed' b#t & stopped mysel"' "i-ing my
ga6e on o#r re"le!tion. 2n his big hand grasping my thigh thro#gh the stret!hed bla! sil o" my
sto!ing. 2n his tong#e !#rling o#t to taste me' his lower lip dragging over my engorged "lesh as he
s#!ed my !lit into his mo#th.
>e drove me !ra6y tapping with his tong#e one moment' li!ing in long' steady stroes the ne-t. >e
growled against me' his "ingers sining into my thigh as he $ered my leg over his sho#lder. & !o#ldn(t
move away "rom him' not witho#t "alling on my assH & had to tr#st him to hold me #p' be!a#se & !o#ldn(t
do it mysel" at the moment.
& stared' trans"i-ed at the image in the mirror. There was the man who so overwhelmed me with his
se-#al power that & wo#ld do anything he ased. >is hands and mo#th were on me' giving me pleas#re
be!a#se it pleased him' be!a#se in that moment & was the !enter o" his world. >e wanted me. >e wanted
to !ontrol me' to possess me' to mae me s#rrender to him !ompletely and tae all that he had to o""er.
0et at the same time he was neeling be"ore me' worshipping me' as enslaved to me as & was to him.
And that was when & reali6ed. & had "allen "or him !ompletely.
&t was my relie" at "inally a!nowledging it that triggered my !lima-' and & san my "ingers into his
hair' holding him to me' holding on "or dear li"e as my !#nt spasmed and my nipples throbbed. >e held
me #p with his arms wrapped aro#nd my thighs' and & bra!ed mysel" with my hands on his sho#lders'
never letting my eyes dri"t !losed "or a moment' taing in every detail the mirror !o#ld show me.
8eil looed #p' and & looed down at him' my heart s1#ee6ing in the vise grip o" his gorgeo#s green
eyes. =Are yo# alright?=
=0eah' &3m...= & too a breath and rea!hed "or one o" the !lamps' sliding the ring down and slipping
it o"".
=8o%= he warned' moving to stop me' b#t it was too late. The blood r#shed ba! into my sensitive
tiss#e' and it seemed to have bro#ght its "riend the ni"e gang with it. & grasped my breast and win!ed in
pain' trying to ignore the "a!t that he was plainly trying to !over #p his sho!ed am#sement at the
sit#ation.
=2h' Sophie' &3m so sorry' & sho#ld have warned yo# be"ore'= he !overed his mo#th with one hand'
his eyes s1#inted sh#t "rom la#ghter.
=0o# sho#ld have warned me that my tits were going to die?= & whined plaintively' b#t & la#ghed'
be!a#se he was la#ghing and & new this wo#ld probably seem "#nny an ho#r "rom now. =Sh#t #p'= &
giggled in pain.
=>ere.= >e br#shed my hand away and bent his head to my other breast' slowly sliding the ring on
the !lamp ba! a little bit at a time. As the tension eased' he lowered his mo#th over my tort#red "lesh'
laving me with his tong#e #ntil & was gasping. &t still h#rt lie a bastard' b#t it was an ama6ingly good
pain' lessened remarably #nder the gentle s#!tion o" his mo#th. 5hen the r#bberi6ed tips o" the !lamps
released my nipple' it didn3t "eel nearly as bad as it had with the other one.
=There'= he said' li"ting his head to br#sh his lips a!ross mine. =All better?=
The tenderness in his voi!e' in the way his hand simmed #p and down my arm' "elt lie a "ist to my
ribs.
=0%yeah'= & managed' my p#lse sipping errati!ally.
& was "ine. Better than "ine. & was in love with my boss.
And & was totally "#!ed.
Chapter 4o#rteen
There are times when it3s appropriate to do the big relationship !on"rontation moment.
5hen yo#3re lying a!ross yo#r boss3s lap' naed e-!ept "or high heels and thigh highs' getting yo#r
arms tied together with $#te rope... that3s not the right time.
&t had taen me all o" "ive se!onds to de!ide what & was going to do with this whole being in love
with 8eil thing. & was going to ignore it. 8ot be!a#se & tho#ght & !o#ld mae it all go magi!ally away'
b#t be!a#se there was no need to r#sh into anything. >e3d made it !lear to me that o#r arrangement was
monogamo#s' and he wasn3t in the maret "or an a!t#al dating relationship. There was no ti!ing !lo!
on o#r attra!tion' so the press#re was o""' more or less.
Besides' in love with someone or not' & had sin!erely meant it when &3d told him that & wasn3t ready
to share my li"e with anyone. & lied spending time with 8eil' b#t & also lied having my own spa!e'
a#tonomy to mae my own de!isions' and "reedom to !ome and go as & pleased. &n a real relationship'
yo# had to tae the other person3s time and the investment o" their "eelings into !onsideration. & didn(t
thin & !o#ld do that right now. Besides' & wasn3t s#re where 8eil stood on the relationship "ront
anymore.
&nstead o" r#nning o#t o" his apartment s!reaming in terror "rom my emotions' & de!ided &3d stay'
and have a damned good time with him.
=This sho#ld eep yo#r hands o#t o" the way'= he e-plained as he looped and layered the rope to
mae a ind o" braided sleeve aro#nd my "orearms. & was positioned with my hands at the opposite
elbows' my arms bent Barbie%style behind my ba!. >e !ontin#ed' pa#sing o!!asionally in his spee!h as
he !on!entrated on the rope' =There is a danger... o" an ine-perien!ed parti!ipant rea!hing a hand ba!
rather than #sing the sa"e word. The last thing &3d want is to a!!identallyT swat yo#r poor "ingers.=
>e bent his head and issed the palm o" one o" my hands' then patted my bottom. =>ow does that
"eel?=
=8ot too tight'= & ass#red him' wriggling my "ingers. They didn3t have that disembodied "eeling
indi!ating !#to"" !ir!#lation. =&t3ll tae some getting #sed to.=
=& have bandage s!issors in my nightstand. &" yo# "eel yo#rsel" be!oming pani!y or !la#strophobi!'
& !an !#t yo# o#t o" this very 1#i!ly.= >e tra!ed a "inger down my spine' and over the !#"" o" rope
binding me.
>e helped me to my "eet and waled me over to his bed. >is big hands steadied me' and it all "elt
entirely s#rreal' lie & was some helpless doll. &t was a little s!aryH witho#t my hands' & was very m#!h at
his mer!y. The thrill o" the sa"e s!are made me giggle' trepidation ti!ling my !lit.
The mattress stood m#!h higher than the one at the 5' so when he bent me over the side' with a
pillow beneath my t#rned head' & had to pra!ti!ally stand on my toes' even in my heels.
& wat!hed him wal ba! to the !loset' to retrieve the paddle' and when he ret#rned he ased' =>ow
m#!h do yo# want this' Sophie?/
+y still a!hing breasts p#shed into the thi! down !om"orter on his bed. The pillow beneath my
!hee smelled o" "resh la#ndry. +y arms were bo#nd' and my !#nt was sopping wet "rom my earlier
orgasm as well as my renewed desire.
=2n a s!ale o" one to ten?/ & ased' wetting my lips and smiling at him. =Twelve h#ndred' Sir./
=Twelve h#ndred seems a bit e-!essive.= >e stepped #p behind me and rested the paddle against my
b#tt. & !len!hed my m#s!les then remembered to rela-. >e wo#ldn(t do it #ntil he !o#ld !at!h me o""
g#ard. .B#t & thin we !an do twelve./
2h. & g#ess & had mis#nderstood the 1#estion. Twelve seemed lie ind o" a lot now.
The "irst !ra! o" paddle against my "lesh was more s#rprising than pain"#l. &n "a!t' it didn3t h#rt
m#!h more than a "irm slap "rom his hand.
=Are yo# taing it easy on me?= & ased' li"ting my head as best as & !o#ld' witho#t #sing my arms.
.& don(t lie yo#r tone./ >e sma!ed me again' this time hard eno#gh to steal my breath in a sharp
gasp. The stinging pain blossomed o#t "rom the wide point o" impa!t' and & s1#irmed' pressing my groin
against the edge o" the mattress.
=There will be none o" that'= he warned' holding me motionless with a hand splayed a!ross my
lower ba!. =0o#(ve got ten more to go be"ore yo# !an even thin o" to#!hing yo#rsel". Stay still. 8ow'
what do we say?/
=&(m sorry' Sir'= & said' a little breathily as the ne-t blow landed' then two more in rapid s#!!ession
with no brea between them. That was eno#gh to p#ll a !ry o" pain "rom me' and & sho!ed mysel" with
the lo#d' ragged so#nd.
& tried to imagine $#st what it wo#ld "eel lie i" he really let go' i" he really gave it to me as hard as
he !o#ld. Tonight' it was eno#gh to "eel the wi!ed sting o" leather slapping my ba!side' the $arring
impa!t o" the paddle nearly no!ing me o"" my "eet. +y "ingernails bit into my palms' and more than
on!e & tried instin!tively to move my hand ba! to stop him. 8eil had been so right. Even tho#gh &
wanted this' even tho#gh the wae o" every blow sent more blood throbbing into my !lit' & wo#ld have
tried to stop him in the most st#pid way possible' and wo#nd #p with mangled "ingers.
A"ter the seventh and eighth he stopped' br#shing his palm over my b#rning sin. >e threaded his
hand into my hair and gently t#gged my head ba!. .4o#r more. *o yo# thin yo# !an tae them?/
& moaned' .0es' Sir. 9lease Sir./
5hat was it abo#t this that made me so hot? The waiting' & s#pposed' and the endorphin r#sh that
"ollowed in the wae o" the pain. B#t more than any o" that' & reali6ed' it was the tr#st. The sense o"
doing something dangero#s' b#t not a!t#ally being in any danger' be!a#se & new 8eil wo#ld never h#rt
me. & !o#ld en$oy a hard spaning and a p#nishing "#! be!a#se & new that while he !o#ld mae me
"eel so many things % l#st' pleas#re' anti!ipation' pain % he wo#ld never a!t#ally mae me "eel a"raid. &
didn3t "ear him' and & didn3t have to "ear maing him disapprove o" me. Everything we did together was
"or o#r m#t#al pleas#re.
5hat' e-a!tly' he got o#t o" it' & had no !l#e.
The ne-t stroe was lower' a!ross my thighs and labia. That was a sho! & hadn(t been e-pe!ting'
and a strange !ombination o" pain and relie" ripped thro#gh me.
.*o yo# lie that?/ >e ased' slipping his hand down to !#p me. 2ne "inger p#shed ro#ghly into
my p#ssy' and my legs wobbled.
.0es' Sir'/ & whimpered' and he withdrew to set #p the ne-t blow. Another slap landed' so hard that
& almost ro!ed o"" my high heels' and again it was aimed at my de"enseless' e-posed !#nt. This time' he
held the paddle in "ront o" my "a!e' so & !o#ld see the wet iss le"t behind.
.0o#(re a wi!ed girl' aren(t yo#?/ he mo! s!olded' and white%hot darts o" aro#sal pier!ed every
vein in my body. & wanted him so badly & was trembling' and to see the proo" o" my desire right in "ront
o" me almost p#shed me over the edge.
.Clean it o""'/ he ordered me' holding the paddle in "ront o" my "a!e. & had to e-tend my tong#e to
li! my own wetness o"" the leather s#r"a!e o" the paddle' while his hands !aressed my s!alp' sliding
thro#gh my hair.
>e shoved my "a!e down and moved the paddle to my ba!side' giving me a swi"t' vi!io#s sma!.
Two "ingers delved into me' p#mping vigoro#sly' spearing deep. & groaned and ar!hed against his hand'
and he withdrew' spreading my wetness over my swollen labia. & moaned my relie"' and slowly he
p#shed his "ingers in again' !oa-ing more sli! "l#id "rom me.
.5o#ld yo# lie to now something interesting abo#t wet sin?/ he ased over the so#nd o" my
moans.
& nodded' gasping. Then the paddle hit me' and it "elt lie my p#ssy was on "ire.
.&t maes spanings h#rt more./
.2h' "#!D/ & pressed my !lit against the edge o" the mattress again' so !lose to !oming that my toes
!#rled inside my shoes. &t "elt lie any to#!h at all wo#ld be eno#gh to spin me o#t o" !ontrol. +y
"ingernails d#g into my palms as & h#ng on' praying "or release.
Tears leaed "rom my eyes when the last hard sma! "or!ed an a!t#al s!ream "rom me. B#t & didn(t
!ome and a!t#ally sobbed in my "r#stration.
Beaning over me' he wiped a tear "rom my !hee with his th#mb and issed the tra! le"t by it.
=&t !an(t be as bad as all that' Sophie'= he ta#nted me' stroing his th#mb over my bottom lip. >is
$eans ro#gh against my thighs' he pinned me to the bed. .Tell me what wo#ld mae it better. & already
now what yo#(ll say' b#t & love to hear it./
& let o#t a sh#ddering breath. & hadn3t even reali6ed &3d been holding it in. =4#! me' Sir.=
,ently' he smoothed his palm over my welted ba!side. .*on(t move./
& s1#ee6ed my eyes sh#t' bo#n!ing a little with impatien!e as he went to his nightstand "or a
!ondom. & heard him #n6ip his $eans' the !r#mpling o" the wrapper' and then' "aster than & had
anti!ipated' he stood behind me' the head o" his !o! prodding my ba!side. >e parted my thighs with a
hand' then positioned himsel" at the opening o" my se- and p#shed in' "illing me deeply. & moaned and
ar!hed my ba!' gripping him as he slowly withdrew and san in again.
=0o# "eel in!redible'= he groaned' his "ingers digging into my hips.
+y thighs 1#ivered with the strain o" eeping my balan!e on the balls o" my "eet while he "#!ed
me with s#!h tort#ro#s slowness that & !o#ld "eel every in!h o" him against every part o" me.
=*o yo# remember what & wanted to do to yo# last night?=
=0o# wanted to tie me #p' Sir'= & answered on a !hoing gasp as he "illed me again.
=Spe!i"i!ally' that & wanted yo# riding me with yo#r hands tied. & thin we(ll do that now.= >e
p#lled o#t o" me abr#ptly. =Stand #p.=
& whimpered dis!onsolately as he helped me straighten. &3d been waiting all night' now &3d $#st
gotten his !o! in me and he was going to stop?
=That3s eno#gh o" yo#r po#ting'= he warned. =Stay there a moment.=
>e went to the other side o" the bed' to the nightstand on what & ass#med was his side o" the bed.
There was a lamp' an alarm !lo! with an i9hone do!' a pair o" glasses' and a bo- o" tiss#e on that side.
The other nightstand was empty' e-!ept "or the mat!hing lamp. 8eil opened the drawer and withdrew a
metal !ylinder abo#t as long as my hand and as thi! as a Sharpie marer.
=5hat3s that?= & ased' wat!hing as he t#rned it in his hands. The gleaming metal intrig#ed me.
5hatever it was' it wo#ld "eel s#per !old on my body' & was !ertain.
=&t3s a vibrator'= he said' twisting the base. &t was an in!redibly slee one' nothing at all lie the
thirteen%dollar plasti! pse#do%di! one & had at home.
Then & remembered the plethora o" se- toys &3d re!ently a!1#ired' and the #se &3d gotten o#t o" them
while 8eil had been gone. & grinned to mysel".
=5hat & wo#ld lie to do'= he began' !oming to my side and t#rning me in his arms so that the "ront
o" my body was "l#sh against his. >e br#shed my hair behind my ear' his hand lingering on my $aw' and
& swayed against him. =&s to set yo# on my !o!' and #se that vibrator on yo#.=
+y mo#th went dry. The thing looed more lie a sterile s#rgi!al implement than a se- toy' its
metal s#r"a!e gleaming in the low light. =&s that... platin#m?=
.&t was that or the twenty%"o#r arat gold' and that one seemed a bit ostentatio#s./ >e grinned down
at me. =5hat do yo# say?=
=& don3t now' )ir'= & waggled my "ingers in their binding. =Being on top... that doesn3t so#nd very
s#bmissive.=
=5o#ld yo# lie me to prove yo# wrong?= There was a deli!io#s warning in his voi!e' a promise
that he wo#ld indeed prove me wrong' and & wo#ld be a very sorry % and a very happy % woman while he
was doing it.
=9lease do. Sir. 9lease prove me wrong.= & deliberately swiped my tong#e over my top lip.
The hand at my $aw s#ddenly gripped my !hin. >e gave me a gentle shae' b#t his hold was "irm'
s#rprising me. =7neel on the bed.=
& did as & was told' my needy !#nt weeping in desperation. >e sat down beside me and rea!hed "or
me. & g#ess &3d never reali6ed how hard it wo#ld be to balan!e witho#t #sing my arms. & was glad he was
there to steady me. >e p#lled me to straddle his lap' and & tried to in!h "orward on my nees to position
the head o" his !o! against me.
=8o.= >e wrapped an arm aro#nd my waist and p#lled me with him as he s!ooted #s #p the bed.
Then' lying ba!' he $ered my hips down' bringing me "l#sh against his ere!tion. The lips o" my se-
parted aro#nd his sha"t. & shi"ted on him' sliding ba! and "orth. +y !lit was swollen and a!hing' the
only relie" the press#re o" his !o! #nder me. & was almost embarrassed at how wet & wasH & was dripping
on his !o!' and my thighs were sti!y. The l#bri!ation made every sensation more slee and
p#rpose"#l' and & "elt my long%denied orgasm b#ilding' trying to hold ba! my moans so he wo#ldn3t
now #ntil it was too late.
=Are yo# going to !ome?= he ased' grabbing my hips and holding me !aptive.
=9lease'= & pra!ti!ally sobbed' !a#ght on the ra6or thin edge o" my release. =9lease' & have toD=
=0o# will'= he soothed' leaning #p to rea!h between #s. Slowly' he eased the head o" his ere!tion
into me. >e rea!hed "or the vibrator and t#rned it on' pressing the !ool' smooth metal against my !lit as
he thr#st #pward' "illing me !ompletely.
That was all it too' and & was s!reaming' gasping and writhing on him as my p#ssy gripped him in
errati! waves o" pleas#re that shoo my entire body. 9ops o" light b#rst behind my eyelids. The
vibration "rom the thin wand was s#rprisingly strong' and & li"ted #p to es!ape' to get a moment3s
reprieve "rom the sensation & had been dying "or only moments ago.
=& seem to remember yo# saying that this position wasn3t s#bmissive?= >e ta#nted' rea!hing #p to
!lamp a "irm hand over the nape o" my ne!. >e p#lled me down hard' and with no way to !at!h mysel"
& was at his mer!y. >e held me tight against his !hest' li"ting his hips to po#nd into me deeper' "aster.
The vibrator was trapped between #s' lying along the length o" my !lit' n#dging and sliding with every
thr#st' the b#66ing never letting #p. & twisted my hands in their binding. +y nails d#g into my palms. &
was going to !ome again' oh god' & was going to !ome again' and there was no way to prevent it' no way
to s1#irm "rom the sensation with his nees #p behind me and his arms lo!ed aro#nd my ba!. Tension
drew my head ba!' tightened my body lie a bowstring' and & !lima-ed with a long' pin!hed wail.
8eil la#ghed' breathless' never letting #p the long' br#tal stroes' never removing the vibrator that
had be!ome an instr#ment o" tort#re. =*o yo# still "eel yo# have too m#!h !ontrol?=
=8oD 8o' SirD= & panted in time to his thr#sts' nearly hyperventilating. +y !#nt was swollen and
pillowy "rom my orgasms' my "lesh impossibly tight aro#nd him. +y l#ngs a!hed. +y hair was
plastered to my sweaty "orehead. 5hen had & wored #p a sweat?
& was !a#ght in a never%ending loop o" stim#lation' swinging "rom too m#!h to not eno#gh to "#lly
satis"ied and ba! again' over and over. & lost !o#nt o" how many times & !ame' lost tra! o" what & said
or did. & now & pleaded with him' b#t the words =yes'= and =no'= and =please'= and =no moreD= shed all
meaning' be!oming a despairing' tri#mphant litany. .Aed/ was !onstantly in the ba! o" my mind' b#t &
didn(t want to stop' not really. 2r did &? & !o#ldn(t tell.
>is thighs slapped against my ass' the obs!ene so#nd driving my aro#sal higher as he p#mped into
me.
=0o#3re going to mae me !ome' Sophie'= he growled against my ne!. >e grabbed my ass' digging
his "ingers in' and ar!hed #p "rom the bed with a groan o" relie". This time' when & !ame' it wasn3t solely
be!a#se o" the tort#ro#s b#66ing or the relentless "#!ing. As he shoved deep' p#lsing into me' & gave
over to one last' wren!hing release' "o!#sed on his words. & made him !ome. &t didn3t matter that & was
tied #p and totally #nable to do anything b#t get "#!ed' # had made him !ome. The tho#ght !oa-ed a
hal"%sobbed moan "rom my lips. A drop o" sweat "ell "rom the tip o" my nose' and & s1#irmed' the ropes'
the vibrator' the throb o" his "lagging ere!tion too m#!h "or me.
=Aed'= & panted' s!rambling to !limb o"" him. & "ell to the bed' trying to blow the hair o#t o" my
"a!e. As 8eil immediately began to wor on the ropes aro#nd my wrists' & "or!ed mysel" to remain
patient. &t was so strange' that the binding hadn3t bothered me be"ore' b#t now & wanted to thrash and
!law my way "ree.
=Easy now'= he m#rm#red' loosening the ropes 1#i!ly. >e massaged my wrists' my "orearms' and
rolled me onto my stoma!h to wor on my ba!.
=5hat3s this "or?= & groaned in relie" as he neaded my m#s!les' and & stret!hed my "reed arms over
my head. =8ot that &3m !omplaining.=
=0o# were tied in one position "or a good' long time' and & don3t want yo# to "eel sore in the
morning.= >is big hands pa#sed in their neading o" my m#s!les and he added' =5ell' & don(t want yo#r
ba! sore' that is. & "ear there3s no hope "or the rest o" yo#.=
& "elt the hot bl#sh in my "a!e and m#""led my giggles with the d#vet. =&s my ass br#ised?=
=8ot br#ised. Cherry red' tho#gh. And yo#(re hoarse' yo# sho#ld drin some water.= >e le"t the bed
and disappeared thro#gh the !loset. & saw the bathroom light !li! on' and when 8eil ret#rned %
#nsel"!ons!io#s in his naedness' maing my stoma!h do little ba!"lips % he had not only a glass o"
water "or me' b#t a little pa!age o" single%#se toothbr#shes. =4or the morning'= he e-plained as he set
my dental%!are saviors on the empty nightstand. =So yo# don3t bolt "rom my bed the moment yo#r eyes
open.=
& smiled' remembering my pani! at waing #p with him that morning. =0o#3re s#!h a tho#ght"#l
host.=
>e smoothed his palm over my bottom. =*o yo# want me to get yo# some i!e?=
& sat #p and rea!hed "or the water. & hadn3t reali6ed how thirsty & was. =8o. & lie to "eel it'
remember?=
>e pi!ed #p the vibrator "rom the bed and t#rned it o"". =&3m going to go tae !are o" this' tae o#t
my !onta!ts then &3m going to !ome ba! to the "eeling o" a bea#ti"#l' naed woman in my arms. &" that3s
all right with yo#?= >e waited "or me to lower the water glass then issed the tip o" my nose.
=&3ll be here.= 5hen he was gone' & wriggled down in the big bed and smoothed my sweaty hair
ba! "rom my "a!e. & tho#ght o" 8eil sleeping in here' all alone. Then & tho#ght o" his wi"e' sleeping in
here with him' and my stoma!h t#rned so#r.
& looed at the bedside table on my side. >er side? 5hi!hever' it was still a bare and depressing
nightstand' all set #p "or the new woman3s weird tooth paranoia.
8eil !ame ba! and !limbed beneath the !overs beside me. =>ow did that go' then?=
=Ama6ing as always.= & "l#""ed #p the pillows behind me. There was a serio#s "o#r%per%person
pillow sit#ation going on. 5hen & leaned ba!' it "elt lie & was never going to stop sining. &t was
heavenly.
=&s there anything yo#3d want me to do di""erently? 4or ne-t time?=
& loved the way his voi!e so#nded late at night' sleepy and deep. & m#lled the 1#estion over' sliding
my "ingers along the satin edge o" the d#vet where it lay a!ross my !hest. =8o. >onestly' yo#3re very
good at nowing what & need' and yo# as what & want' whi!h is good' too. & $#st don3t see what yo# get
o#t o" it.=
=& lie the !hallenge.= >e rolled to his side to "a!e me' one arm over my stoma!h on top o" the
blanets. =&t3s a bit lie a p#66le "or me' "ig#ring o#t what it is that gives yo# the most pleas#re. 5hat
yo# need to be able to give me yo#r total s#bmission.=
=,ood l#! with that' & don3t thin &3ll ever be totally s#bmissive.= & snorted.
>e !#pped my !hee' and $#st that small to#!h sent a sho!wave o" desire tho#gh me. *espite the
"a!t that & was e-ha#sted and sho#ld have been !ompletely satiated' & wanted him again.
=0o# already are. 0o#3re thining o" s#bmission as an a!t o" h#miliation.= >e let his "ingers slide
down my $aw' his th#mb tra!ing my bottom lip. =And it !an be' i" that(s what a s#b needs. B#t yo#3ve
been given the mistaen impression that *ominan!e and s#bmission are all abo#t taing. 0o# tae the
orders' the pain' the restri!tions' while & tae !ontrol away "rom yo#. The reality is "ar di""erent. 5hen
yo# s#bmit' yo# give yo#rsel" to me wholly. 0o#r desire' yo#r attention' yo#r mind' and yo# give these
things to me be!a#se yo# want to.=
=So' that maes yo# the taer?= & ased' s#!ing the tip o" his th#mb between my lips brie"ly.
=There is no 3taer.3 & give yo# pleas#re' & give yo# limitations in regards to the sensations yo# "eel
and how yo# "eel them. B#t &3m never taing yo#r !ontrol away against yo#r will. & wo#ldn(t want that.=
>e leaned #p and !oa-ed me down' #ntil o#r lips and tong#es met in a slow' thoro#gh iss. >is hand
"isted in the hair at my nape' and he p#lled my head ba!. & gasped as o#r mo#ths parted.
=0o#r tr#st in me' yo#r ability to s#rrender totally and give yo#rsel" to me "reely... that3s the payo""
"or me' Sophie. &t3s an aphrodisia!.=
& leaned "orward' br#shing my lips a!ross his with the small "reedom o" motion he let me have.
Then' !are"#lly' so o#r heads didn3t no! together' he let me go' and & sn#ggled down beside him.
>e was so warm and naed and good%"eeling against my sin. 8o matter how so"t and "l#""y the
pillows were' they were nowhere near as !om"ortable as resting my head on 8eil3s sho#lder.
=So' yo#3ve done this with other women be"ore' right?= & waled my "ingertips thro#gh his !hest
hair. =& mean yo# ind o" taled lie yo# new what yo# were doing when we were in B.A.=
>e !overed my hand with his' holding it "lat to his !hest. =*o yo# really want to now?=
=& ased.= & r#bbed my !hee against his sho#lder. & wo#ld never get eno#gh o" his s!ent' the "eel o"
him. =&3m not going to get $ealo#s o" the people yo# #sed to sleep with. They3re not here right now.=
=0es' & have had prior relationships where *ominan!e and s#bmission were involved.= >e idly
stroed the ba! o" my hand. =B#t &3ve also had relationships where it wasn3t.=
=5hi!h way is better?= &" & ever did get long%term with someone' they wo#ld have to be able to
mae me respond the way 8eil did. & !o#ldn3t imagine it any other way.
>is hand stilled' pressing over mine. & !o#ld "eel his heartbeat beneath my palm. =Being with yo# is
better. Either way.=
+y !hest s1#ee6ed pain"#lly. B#t it was the good ind o" pain.
J J J J
5aing #p with 8eil beside me was the most e-1#isite' per"e!t "eeling.
& was all !om"ortable and warm and sa"e % a demented thing to revel in' !onsidering &3d never
a!t#ally been in anything !lose to danger in my entire li"e. Sleeping with 8eil3s warm sin pressed to
mine' his strong arm aro#nd me' made me "eel prote!ted' even i" & didn3t need prote!ting "rom anything.
& wriggled in his embra!e and rea!hed "or the single%#se toothbr#shes on the nightstand. & 1#i!ly
tore one open and st#! it in my mo#th' h#rriedly s!r#bbing away my morning breath.
=@anity' thy name is Sophie'= 8eil m#rm#red sleepily "rom behind me as he released me and rolled
away.
=&sh not vani%y'= & m#ttered aro#nd the br#sh. & rea!hed "or the hal"% "#ll water glass and 1#i!ly
swished some aro#nd my mo#th. =&t3s $#st manners.=
>is hand !losed over my hip' and & s!rambled to repla!e the glass on the nightstand be"ore he $ered
me down in the bed' smoothly !overing my body with his.
=5ell then' & have e-!ellent manners'= he said' his s#spi!io#sly minty breath in my "a!e. =Be!a#se
&3ve already been #p "or morning abl#tions.=
=2h' and that isn3t vanity?= & wriggled beneath him as he rea!hed over me to a remote on the
bedside table. >e hit a b#tton and the shades over the windows slowly rose' "looding the room with
daylight' #nimpeded by neighboring b#ildings.
=8ow' we have the entire day to o#rselves. And & haven3t the "aintest !l#e what to do with yo#.= The
head o" his !o! prodded between my thighs' maing a liar o#t o" him. >e new e-a!tly what he wanted
to do with me.
All it wo#ld tae was a shi"t o" my hips' and he wo#ld be inside me. & held his "a!e in my hands.
=0o# didn3t shave.=
=0o# lie my st#bble'= he pointed o#t' r#bbing his !hee against my throat.
& sighed' totally !ontent as he nibbled and s#!ed along my $aw' #p to my ear' "inding that totally
weird and totally awesome spot behind it' the spot that !o#ld mae me !ome when he paid it eno#gh
attention.
=& do'= & moaned' stret!hing my ne! to give him more room to tease me. & li"ted one leg aro#nd his
waist and his !o! slid into me' p#lling sighs "rom both o" #s.
=That... oh' that3s lovely'= he m#rm#red against my ne!. .B#t & sho#ld really get a !ondom./
>e was right' & new' b#t he "elt so damn good' & didn(t want to stop. At least one o" #s had the
presen!e o" mind to be responsible.
.>#rry' oay?/ To p#n!t#ate my senten!e' & s1#ee6ed him with my internal m#s!les.
.,ood lord'/ he !#rsed' dipping his head to my sho#lder. >is breath on my sin' the pri!le o" his
#nshaven !hin against me' the "eeling o" him deep inside me' with no parti!#lar h#rry to be anypla!e
else... oay' & !o#ld now "#lly #nderstood why he was into sleepovers. & !o#ldn(t thin o" any better way
to wae #p.
>e p#lled o#t and rolled away "rom me' r#mmaging thro#gh his nightstand' then 1#i!ly sheathed
himsel". >e was ba! between my legs with a speed that both impressed and "lattered me' and & giggled.
.Something "#nny?/ he ased as he ro!ed against me slowly' rea!hing down to hoo his arm #nder
my nee' holding me wide open so he !o#ld sin deeper.
=<#st en$oying my morning'= & gasped' my "ingers "isting in the pillow beside my head. =That3s
good' $#st lie that.=
=<#st lie this?= >e withdrew slowly' #ntil & was shaing and panting' desperate to have him ba!.
B#t in the position & was in' & !o#ldn3t really move.
& !lamped my lips together tightly' a !at!h in my breathing the only so#nd & !o#ld mae. &t was odd'
b#t the daylight made me "eel a little sel"%!ons!io#s. S#re' my morning breath was taen !are o"' b#t my
mae#p was probably sm#dged' & didn3t even want to thin abo#t what my hair looed lie' and this
!lose #p he !o#ld probably see every pore on my "a!e.
And $#st lie that' & was o#t o" the moment. >e went still inside me and li"ted his head. =5hat3s
wrong?=
=8othing.= 2ay. &t was di""i!#lt to lie to him when he was on top o" me. =&3m $#st "eeling a little...
sel"%!ons!io#s.=
=5hy? &s there an a#dien!e here that &3m not aware o"?= >e pretended to be !on!erned as he looed
over his sho#lder.
=0o# now' yo# !o#ld be less sar!asti!' with yo#r di! in me.= & wriggled. =Come on' let3s $#st % =
=8o' we will not 3$#st.3 There3s no point in !ontin#ing i" yo#3ve got something on yo#r mind that3s
going to prevent yo# "rom en$oying yo#rsel"./ >e moved to roll away "rom me' b#t & lo!ed my legs
aro#nd his hips.
=2ay' oay./ & s!r#n!hed #p my "a!e. =& "eel lie it3s di""erent' at night. 8ight is s#pposed to be
this dirty' wrong time. +ornings aren3t s#pposed to be se-y. And & mean' & loo% =
=0o# loo absol#tely "#!ing gorgeo#s.= >e issed me' smoothing hair away "rom my brow. =0o#
loo lie a woman who was well and thoro#ghly shagged last night' and who3s waing #p all m#ssed
and sweaty and % = he broe o"" to b#ry his nose in my sho#lder and sni""ed lo#dly % =reeing o" se- to
do it all over again.=
=Aeeing? That3s some sweet tal there'= & giggled' b#t he did' strangely' mae me "eel better.
=Sophie' & don3t !are i" yo#r mae#p is smeared' or i" yo#r hair isn3t per"e!t. The only thing & !are
abo#t is that a bea#ti"#l' se-y' !on"ident woman hal" my age wants to do depraved things with me in the
bedroom.=
=And in the it!hen'= & reminded him with a snort. =There might be some depravity we missed in
the bathroom'= he s#ggested' pressing deeper inside me. The motion dragged a long' slow sh#dder
thro#gh my body. >e !overed my mo#th with his' swept his tong#e in to tangle with mine. The heels o"
my hands rested against his sho#lders' my "ingers !#rling and #n!#rling helplessly as o#r bodies and
tong#es writhed together. 5hen he li"ted his head' he added' =9erhaps we !an "ind o#t a"ter brea"ast?=
& nodded' breathless' and ro!ed with him as he thr#st into me.
=3+ornings aren3t s#pposed to be se-y'3= he m#ttered' leaning his "orehead against mine. =Aeally' &
had tho#ght better o" yo#.=
=2h' sh#t #p and "#! me.= & grabbed one o" the pillows and sma!ed him with it.
5e had a brie"' play"#l str#ggle' wrestling with ea!h other #ntil he held both my hands #nder his'
pinned to the mattress.
=Tell me what yo# want. Tell me what it is yo# need' and &3ll give it to yo#'= he pledged against my
mo#th. >is hips li"ted and he p#lled o#t o" me #ntil $#st the head o" him stret!hed my !#nt.
& looed #p' into "ier!e green eyes that sent sho!waves o" aro#sal thro#gh every !ell in my body. &
!o#ld have played the game' said something really ra!y to tantali6e him' b#t & new & wo#ld never beat
him at dirty tal. =0o#. & want yo#.=
>e "illed me again' so 1#i! and hard it too my breath away.
=4#! me hard'= & whispered' and it t#rned into a moan as & moved with him.
>e released my hands to sit #p and grasp my hips. =5hat was that?=
=4#! me'= & repeated' tho#gh he didn3t need my #rging. >e s#rged in me' ro!ing my hips in his
hands' p#lling my whole body down the bed with the motion #ntil my ba! was bowed.
=& love to hear yo# say that'= he groaned' grinding deep. .Bo#der' Sophie./
=4#! meD= & sho#ted. & hoped there was good so#ndproo"ing between him and his neighbors. =4#!
meD & want yo# to "#! me harderD=
>e grabbed my arms and p#lled me #p' into his lap. 5e were !a#ght in a tangle o" my hair' o#r
limbs and tong#es' and when he p#lled "ree o" me he said gr#""ly' =,et on yo#r hands and nees.=
& g#ess & really do get o"" on anti!ipation more than anything else' be!a#se swit!hing positions
seemed to tae a li"etime' and & relished every se!ond o" it. >e !a#ght my hair and wrapped it aro#nd his
"ist' $ering my head ba!. =&s this all right?=
=0esD= & po#nded my hand against the mattress. =9lease $#st "#! me already.=
>e drove into me so hard that & lost my balan!e and my teeth no!ed together' b#t he didn3t let #p.
&3d ased "or this' and a hard' p#nishing "#! was what & wo#ld get. & howled my relie" as he po#nded
into me' my hands !len!hing the sheets #ntil my n#!les were white. Every time & slipped down'
#nable to hold mysel" #p #nder the "or!e o" his thr#sts' he p#lled me ba! #p' going deeper' bringing
inarti!#late sho#ts "rom my throat.
=Bie that' Sophie'= he growled' $ering on my hair. =Bet me hear yo#.=
>is other hand !a#ght me aro#nd the waist' p#lled me hal" #p so all & !o#ld do was lean on his arm
as he shoved two "ingers between my "olds to r#b my !lit.
=&3m !omingD= & gasped in total disbelie" at the intensity b#ilding to a rapid breaing point. >ow
!o#ld he do this to me? >ow !o#ld he mae me want him so m#!h' so "ast? & was almost "#rio#s at him
"or his easy nowledge o" my body. B#t it3s really hard to hold a gr#dge d#ring an orgasm. & !ame
s!reaming his name' spasming all aro#nd him.
>e let go o" me' let me "all "orward and "ollowed me as & went down' pressing me into the mattress
as he groaned with his release.
=There'= he said' o#t o" breath' slipping "rom my body a little more with ea!h heartbeat. =&sn3t that
so m#!h better than a !ab home in the dead o" night?=
& wiggled beneath him' and he rolled o"" me. & sat #p' t#!ing the !#shiony d#vet aro#nd my !hest
and beneath my arms. =2ay. 0o# proved yo#r point. 2vernights are pretty awesome.=
=0o# sho#ld respe!t the wisdom o" yo#r elders'= he said with a tired !h#!le.
=2h' the wisdom that sent me home with no panties on one o" the very "irst times we "#!ed?= &
reminded him.
=And yo# learned an important lesson "rom that' didn3t yo#?= >e rea!hed "or a "ew tiss#es "rom the
bo- on the nightstand. 5hen he(d disposed o" the !ondom in the small trash baset beside the bed' he
p#lled me down beside him. & happily sn#ggled in at his side. >is arm was trapped #nder my waist' and
his hand splayed at the small o" my ba!' sliding down to s1#ee6e my bottom. =0o# didn3t wear panties
this time' did yo#?=
=8o' b#t & did bring some.= & nibbled my lower lip and batted my eyes at him. =+ore bla! ones.
Boy shorts' very !#te. &3m s#re yo# wo#ldn3t be interested.=
>e p#lled me #p tighter' his "ingers digging into my ass. =5hy don3t yo# p#t them on and see how
interested & am?=
=2ay' even yo# m#st have a re"ra!tory period' horny as yo# are'= & pointed o#t. =Besides' & le"t my
bag in the "oyer.=
=5hy don3t yo# r#n o#t there and get it?= >e issed the tip o" my nose. =Then !ome ba! and sit in
my lap' wearing nothing b#t those panties. & will mae it worth yo#r while.=
& too a breath' the imagined pi!t#re o" 8eil3s hand down the "ront o" my panties searing thro#gh my
mind.
=2ay' b#t it3s !hilly in here. &3m taing yo#r sweater.= & rolled o#t o" the bed with !onsiderable
di""i!#lty. Serio#sly' & had no idea how 8eil got #p in the mornings at all. The damn thing was so
!om"ortable and !#shiony' & wo#ld !all into wor every single day and $#st lay aro#nd.
& pi!ed #p his sweater "rom the "loor in the !loset and t#gged it over my head. &t h#ng to mid%thigh
on me' and & had to roll the sleeves ba!.
=0o# wear that better than & do'= he 1#ipped. =,o on then. & want yo# at least on!e more be"ore
brea"ast.=
& giggled and h#rried o#t o" the room' s#!ing in my breath when my toes en!o#ntered the !old
marble in the "oyer. >e really needed to get those "loor%level heating things all aro#nd the entire
apartment. & s!ooped #p my bag' then stopped. & smelled !o""ee.
!uh. That$s weird. & tho#ght he3d given his ho#seeeper the weeend o"". +aybe he had one o"
those !o""ee ma!hines with a timer on it. That wo#ld be ama6ing. & !o#ld tae a !#p ba! to bed "or him.
& set my bag down and sprinted on tip%toes thro#gh the living room and dining room.
& was grinning lie an idiot at the tho#ght o" having my morning !o""ee with a side o" 8eil when &
p#shed thro#gh the it!hen door. Then it all "ell spe!ta!#larly apart. There was a woman seated at the
it!hen !o#nter. & gave a startled yelp at the sight o" her.
She smiled lie a Bond villain and tilted her head to one side' warbling a "alsely !hipper' =,ood
morning.=
&t was Emma. 2h god' it was 8eil3s da#ghter.
Chapter 4i"teen
=Sophie?= 8eil !alled "rom somewhere "ar o"" in the apartment' alarmed. >e m#st have heard my
startled shrie.
&n hindsight' & sho#ld have yelled ba!' =&3m "ine'= or =&t3s $#st yo#r da#ghter'= b#t all & !o#ld thin
was that he wo#ld !ome stampeding into the it!hen naed be"ore & had a !han!e to tell him anything at
all. &t was bad eno#gh & was standing there in his sweater' and nothing else' in "ront o" Emma. So &
sho#ted a lo#d' hysteri!al' =>ave pants onD=
=2h' that3s lovely. Than yo#' "or that'= Emma said' blining and t#rning ba! to the maga6ine open
on the !o#nter. She had a !#p o" !o""ee beside her' too' and the dinner "rom last night had been !leared
away.
So... she had been there "or a while. ,reat.
8eil !ame into the it!hen behind me' tying the belt o" a bla! bathrobe. >is e-pression !hanged
"rom !on!ern to !on"#sion to horror in an impressively short span o" time. =Emma? 5hat are yo# doing
here?=
=& was s#pposed to be here. 5e spoe earlier this wee.= >er ga6e raed me #p and down. =B#t yo#
m#st have had other things on yo#r mind.=
=0o# were !oming in on the twenty%ninth'= he asserted' as tho#gh $#st saying it alo#d wo#ld
somehow reverse the entire' horrible' sit#ation we were in.
=The twenty%eighth.= She li"ted her m#g and sipped "rom it. =& s#ppose when Tony wasn3t at the
airport' that sho#ld have been my "irst !l#e that yo#3d gotten the date wrong. Again.=
=>ow' #h'= 8eil !leared his throat. =5hen did yo# get here?=
=& got here right aro#nd' 3& want yo# to "#! me harder.3= She li"ted her eyebrows and blined
inno!ently at him' !hallenging her "ather to some silent battle o" wills.
& heard 8eil3s sharply indrawn breath behind me. =& s#ddenly very m#!h regret the way the morning
has gone th#s "ar.=
& t#gged the bottom o" the sweater down. &t !o#ld have rea!hed the "loor' b#t & wo#ld have still "elt
way naed. Emma had already heard me having se- with her dad' she didn3t need the "#ll peep show.
=&3m going to $#st... go.=
=0o# don3t have to go'= 8eil said' "ollowing me into the dining room. >e looed brie"ly at the
swinging it!hen door' then ba! down at me. >e lowered his voi!e so we wo#ldn3t be overheard. 5h
yeah4 now he thinks of that.
=Stay. >ave brea"ast. &t3s the least & !an do.=
=8o' yo# don(t owe me anything'= & said 1#ietly. =0o# mi-ed #p some dates' no big. 5e !an get
together another weeend.=
=8o' & insist. 9lease' there3s no reason yo# !an3t be here' $#st be!a#se Emma is. 5e3re all ad#lts. &3m
s#re & don3t need to e-plain mysel" to her.= >e p#t his hand on my #pper arm' his th#mb neading my
"lesh thro#gh the sweater. =Boo' go get dressed' and &3ll tal to her. &t !o#ld be a blessing in disg#ise'
the two o" yo# meeting. 0o# might really lie ea!h other./
Too late' & tho#ght' b#t & didn3t arg#e with him. This was the absol#te worst way he !o#ld have
introd#!ed his da#ghter and me. &t wo#ld have been pre"erable i" we3d never met at all. Sin!e 8eil and &
weren3t serio#s' there was no reason to play 3meet the "amily3. & wasn3t abo#t to tae him home to my
mom or anything. >ell' & hadn3t even mentioned & was seeing someone when &3d spoen to her last. &t
was $#st easier that way.
B#t' he really wanted me to stay' "or whatever reason' and & wasn3t going to strain things between
the two o" #s. & wo#ld get dressed and $oin them "or dys"#n!tional "amily brea"ast. & had a "eeling
Emma wo#ld mae a stronger !ase "or why the whole thing was "#!ed #p than & ever !o#ld.
# mean4 really' & tho#ght to mysel" as & donned the tight $eans and sn#g' long%sleeved' v%ne! t%shirt
&(d pa!ed intending to loo !as#ally hot "or 8eil. 8ow' & worried abo#t how m#!h !leavage it showed.
A lot. The answer was a lot o" !leavage.
#f you$d caught your mom with some guy your age4 you would react the same way. >e wo#ldn(t
even have to be my age. &3d r#n o"" a pretty impressive string o" !hronologi!ally appropriate men when
&3d been a teenager and my mom had dipped her toes ba! into the dating pool. +aybe i" Emma and &
had met thro#gh wor or "riends' we wo#ld have had no problem with ea!h other. B#t on!e yo# threw in
that whole pesy part abo#t me "#!ing her dad? & really !o#ldn3t hold it against her i" she didn(t want to
be!ome instant B44s.
& dragged a br#sh thro#gh my hair and p#lled it ba! in a low ponytail. 8eil !ame in $#st as & was
abo#t to brave the it!hen again.
=S#e le"t a 1#i!he in the re"rigerator' it3s heating #p now. 5e !an eat it while my vegan da#ghter
$#dges #s a!!ordingly./ >e went straight to the !loset. 5hen he emerged' he was wearing sweatpants
and a !heap bl#e t%shirt "rom a hal" marathon.
This was' with the e-!eption o" naedness' $#st abo#t the most !as#al &3d ever seen him. And it was
bi6arrely hot.
>e pi!ed #p speaing as tho#gh he(d never stopped. .This is all my "a#lt' be!a#se i" & had
mentioned it to S#e' she wo#ld have made something else "or brea"ast' b#t & "orgot what day my only
!hild wo#ld be ret#rning "rom Bondon. Bet me reiterate) & "orgot that my da#ghter wo#ld be 6ooming
a!ross the 8orth Atlanti! in a "lying metal death trap./ >e sat on the so"a' th#mb and "ingers spread
a!ross his eyes to massage his temples.
.So.../ & sat beside him and r#bbed his ba! absently. .So' the taling didn(t go great then?/
.8ot at all./ >e stret!hed his "a!e down with his hands. .And & have to go ba! in there./
=2h my god.= & !o#ghed a disbelieving la#gh. =0o# want me here "or this be!a#se yo#3re a"raid.=
=&% #m.= he stammered. =0es' & s#ppose & am. &t(s going to be ins#""erably awward. And & don3t
want to go thro#gh it alone.=
=*on3t yo# thin it3s only going to be worse i" & stay?= & ased' getting to my "eet.
=9erhaps' b#t...= he sighed. =& lie being with yo#. & don3t want to !#t o#r time together short. And
yo#r presen!e generally improves my li"e' so i" &(m going to end#re the most #n!om"ortable "ather%
da#ghter brea"ast ever' & might as well do it with yo# beside me "or moral s#pport.=
=4air eno#gh. & helped mae the problem.= & leaned down and issed his deli!io#sly ro#gh !hee. &
"elt a momentary twinge o" disappointment that we wo#ldn3t be p#tting that st#bble to better #se today'
a"ter all.
Ba! in the it!hen' Emma was sitting at the brea"ast noo' staring intently down at her phone.
8eil !leared his throat' and when she looed #p' li"ting one eyebrow in an eerie impersonation o"
her "ather' he said patiently' =Emma' & didn3t have a !han!e to introd#!e yo# be"ore. This is my girl"riend
Sophie. Sophie' this is my da#ghter' Emma.=
.xcuse me4 girlfriend, +hat, 8ow was de"initely not the time "or that !onversation' tho#gh. &
really didn3t want to have to e-plain to this stranger that & was involved in a no%strings' "riends%with%
bene"its relationship with her "ather. 5h4 no worries4 we8re %ust having hot4 meaningless sex is all.
7oesn8t that sound so much better4 .mma,
=8i!e to meet yo#' Sophie'= Emma said' b#t she didn3t try to shae my hand. .& didn(t now my
"ather had a girl"riend. So soon a"ter his divor!e./
1either did #. & slid onto the seat opposite her' and s!ooted down the ben!h to mae room "or 8eil.
Emma looed immediately ba! at her phone' and 8eil was b#sy taing the 1#i!he o#t o" the
mi!rowave' so & distra!ted mysel" by e-amining the "ramed photos on the wall above the brea"ast noo.
There was a m#!h yo#nger 8eil' holding a smiling' pin%!heeed toddler in his arms at what appeared to
be a polo mat!h. &n another' the same girl' older' with pigtails in her hair' stood pro#dly in "ront o" a sign
that read =Blewellyn A!ademy=. &n the ne-t one' Emma at age si- or seven held a springer spaniel p#ppy
in her lap.
=That was +erry'= 8eil e-plained' and when & looed to him' his eyes were on the photo. >e slid
the 1#i!he onto a trivet in the !enter o" the table then t#rned to get some plates. =& bo#ght her "or Emma
"or Christmas one year. 0o# sho#ld have seen the loo on her "a!e when she !ame downstairs and there
was a real p#ppy' sleeping in its bed right in "ront o" the Christmas tree.=
=And that is e-a!tly the ind o" !harming tablea# we try to dis!o#rage' dad.= Emma set her phone
aside at the so#nd o" the toaster. She slid "rom her seat and retrieved her bagel' ret#rning to the table
with it and a $ar o" !ashew b#tter.
=& thin it3s terrible when people b#y an animal to !elebrate a holiday' then $#st get rid o" it'= & said'
trying to so#nd as totally in agreement with her as possible. =B#t &3m s#re 8eil new it was going to a
good' responsible owner.=
=& don3t believe in owning other sentient beings. That(s slavery.= Emma smiled at me as tho#gh &3d
$#st said my alphabet o#t o" order or something' b#t she "elt & was very brave "or trying.
8eil ret#rned with plates and "ors and too a seat beside me. =Emma wors "or the Animal
9rote!tion 4#nd.=
=2hD &3ve heard o" them.= & beamed at her. =0o# g#ys do some really !ool wor.=
.&3m glad yo# lie it./ Emma nodded. =8ow' Sophie... what grade are yo# in?=
=Emma...= The warning tone in 8eil3s voi!e didn3t go #nnoti!ed by either o" #s. &3d hated to listen to
my "riends "ight with their parents in "ront o" me' and this was eerily reminis!ent o" that e-a!t s!enario.
&t really !reeped me o#t.
=2h' dad' &3m only teasing. She nows that.=
& was one h#ndred per!ent !ertain she was not $oing.
She !ontin#ed' .& have to brea the i!e a little. This is a rather dist#rbing morning all aro#nd' isn(t
it?= Emma leaned on her elbows and "i-ed me with a reasonable "a!simile o" polite interest. .So' how
did yo# two meet?/
5as this a tri!? 5hat did & say? & highly do#bted 8eil had dis!#ssed past one%night stands with his
da#ghter' b#t we didn(t really have a !over story in pla!e "or something lie this.
=Sophie and & met a "ew years ago'= 8eil answered "or me. =5e re!ently re!onne!ted.=
=So & heard.= Emma pa#sed with her bagel hal"way to her mo#th. =0o# now' i" yo# need me to
stay somewhere else this wee' & !an. +i!hael(s' or Eli6abeth3s % =
=That won3t be ne!essary. And & wo#ld appre!iate it i" yo# wo#ld not mention this to Eli6abeth'
sho#ld yo# see her d#ring this visit.= There was a ti! in 8eil(s $aw when he spoe his e-(s name. &n the
brie" mentions he(d made o" her to me' he hadn(t so#nded 1#ite so irritated. 5as 8eil(s da#ghter !lose
with his e-%wi"e? 2r soon to be e-. 5as the divor!e "inal? Sho#ld & have "ig#red that o#t "irst? & mean' it
didn3t matter i" he was legally married' the relationship was over' right?
2h my gosh' no wonder Emma had taen s#!h an immediate dislie to me. &" she was !lose to her
stepmother' o" !o#rse she wo#ld be o""ended when her "ather seemingly moved on so 1#i!ly. That 8eil
and & didn(t have a serio#s relationship didn(t matterH Emma didn(t now the details' she had only heard
the world .girl"riend./
=*on3t worry'= Emma said lightly' not even looing #p at 8eil as she delivered her ne-t barb. =&3m
not going to tell her yo# have a woman staying over within days o" her moving o#t. &t wo#ld destroy
her.=
& wished & had a s#per power that allowed me sn#"" mysel" o#t lie a mat!h and reignite somewhere
else.
=&3m sorry' this... this is too weird. &3m going to go.= & shoo my head and stood' trapped between the
wall and 8eil' hoping "ervently that he wo#ld move and $#st let me es!ape.
>e did' than god. =Bet me wal yo# o#t'= he said' sliding "rom his seat and shooting his da#ghter a
very terse loo. & had been on the re!eiving end o" $#st s#!h an e-pression many times "rom my mother.
& didn(t tae any o" it personally. All o" this' absol#tely every single bit o" it' was between Emma
and her "ather. &t had nothing to do with me. & was $#st a !onvenient !atalyst.
=&3m sorry' this was a total disaster'= 8eil said as he "ollowed me to the bedroom.
=&t3s oay.= & !olle!ted #p the *G, dress "rom his !loset and !are"#lly "olded it into my overnight
bag. =& wo#ld probably be pretty grossed o#t to "ind my mom with a g#y my age.=
That was the worst possible thing & !o#ld have said. 8eil looed lie &3d slapped him. =,rossed
o#t?=
=You don3t gross me o#t'= & stated "irmly. & went to him and stood on my tiptoes to p#t my arms
aro#nd his ne!. >e hesitated a moment' !learly wanting to be gr#mpy with me' b#t he !o#ldn3t resist
my patiently #pt#rned mo#th. >is lips br#shed mine and his arms tightened aro#nd my ba! brie"ly.
=B#t thin abo#t it "rom Emma3s perspe!tive'= & said 1#ietly when & stepped o#t o" his embra!e.
=0o# have parents. 0o# m#st have been #n!om"ortable with the idea o" them having a se- li"e./
=& "ear it may be a little more !ompli!ated than that.= 8eil sat down on the so"a. >e glan!ed #p at
me' g#ilt in his eyes. =Emma isn3t happy abo#t my divor!e. She grew 1#ite "ond o" Eli6abeth. Emma was
one o" the bridesmaids' a!t#ally.=
=& ind o" g#essed that she was Team Eli6abeth.= & went to his side and sat down' my hands on my
nees. &t was a good thing 8eil and & weren(t serio#s' be!a#se & !o#ldn(t imagine Emma ever p#tting on
a bridesmaid dress "or me. 8ot a"ter the introd#!tion we(d had. =+aybe the 3girl"riend3 thing $#st
s#rprised her. & now it sho!ed the hell o#t o" me.=
=Sorry abo#t that.= >e gave me a sheepish sideways glan!e. =& never tho#ght we3d have to e-plain
o#r relationship to anyone. Se!re!y has ept #s in a bit o" a b#bble this whole time. The only person in
my li"e who new abo#t yo# was A#dy. & was #nprepared' and & didn3t want to tell my da#ghter that
yo#3re the woman &3m !as#ally "#!ing.=
& n#dged his nee with mine. =&t so#nds lie she3d be more !om"ortable hearing that' than thining
yo# were in a relationship.=
=And & didn3t want to h#rt yo#'= he added' looing into my eyes. =0o# mean more to me than $#st
!as#al se-.=
+y newly in%love heart s1#ee6ed s#per hard at that' and & had to give mysel" a split%se!ond mental
to#ghness tal) & was not' #nder any !ir!#mstan!es' going to s!ream o#t' .&%love%yo#%lets%go%to%Bas%
@egas%and%get%married%right%nowD/
The best thing & !o#ld do was mae a $oe o#t o" it.
=The se- is pretty "antasti!' tho#gh.= & leaned against him' ro!ing him slightly to the side' and he
la#ghed.
=8e-t weeend?= he ased hope"#lly.
=Cm... yeah.= & "elt a weird pang at the tho#ght that & wo#ldn3t see him #ntil then. =*o yo# have a
really b#sy wee?=
=8ot parti!#larly' b#t with Emma here...= he grima!ed. =&3m sorry.=
=8o' it3s "ine.= &t wasn3t. & wasn3t "ine with it at all. & was $ealo#s and bitter' and & "elt shitty be!a#se &
new & had no right to be. 8eil was Emma3s dad' and i" he were the ind o" g#y who wo#ld give his id
the br#sh o"" % no matter how old the id was % & wo#ldn3t have had any interest in him' anyway. =& love
that yo# have a good relationship with yo#r da#ghter. At least' most o" the time. 0o#3re both really
l#!y.=
.*o yo# want to go home in the !ar?/ he ased.
& shoo my head. .Call me old "ashioned' b#t & ind o" en$oy the so%!alled Rwal o" shame.( &t(s
really more a Rwal o" pride be!a#se & got some.(/
.That yo# did'/ he agreed.
>e waled me to the elevator' waited "or it to arrive' and gave me a thoro#ghly sweet iss. And & let
it be sweet. Be!a#se it was "oolish to "ight what & was "eeling. >e obvio#sly !ared "or me' he(d said as
m#!h. B#t we were both happy with what we had. 5e didn3t need to pretend it was anything more or
less than it was. The elevator dinged' and & stepped o#t o" his arms. 4rowning' & rea!hed #p to br#sh my
"ingers over a sm#dge on his ne!.
=5hat is it?=
2h man. 8ow & really "elt bad. =& thin & gave yo# a little hi!ey last night.=
>e !lapped his hand over his ne!' and he was a!t#ally bl#shing. =Bloody hell' woman' & have to go
ba! in there and have brea"ast with my !hildD=
,rinning' he leaned down "or one last iss' and & gave him a 1#i! pe! be"ore & darted into the
elevator. 5e !o#ld drag the goodbye o#t all day' and & new it was be!a#se neither o" #s wanted to be
apart.
& "elt ama6ing. & "elt lie the ,rin!h m#st have "elt when his heart grew three si6es.
E-!ept' when & stepped o#t o" the b#ilding and onto 4i"th aven#e' & missed 8eil already.
Crap. & really had "allen "or him' and hard.
J J J J
& was glad to have taen the train' instead o" 8eil3s o""er o" a !ar home. &t gave me time to thin
abo#t the morning in a ne#tral spa!e.
8eil3s da#ghter was an animal advo!ate. All o" the !hanges to the bea#ty department s#ddenly made
sense. And the !#ts to <ae3s story. 5as this something Emma was asing 8eil to do? >e had to now it
was a bad idea.
& !onsidered what & new o" Emma. &t wasn3t a lot' beyond the "a!t that she was 8eil3s da#ghter' and
she wo#ld now hate me "or the rest o" my li"e. & dropped my head in my hands' grate"#l that this train !ar
was mostly empty. Bistening to the tinny noise "rom other people3s headphones or being stared at by
some !reepy d#de who was trying to see #nder my !lothes wo#ld not have helped my mental state at all.
So' Emma was big time into animals. 5hi!h meant she probably hated the "ashion ind#stry
altogether. A"ter all' it wasn3t e-a!tly lie designers and !osmeti! !ompanies were "alling all over
themselves to prote!t animals. And now Emma3s "ather owned Porteras. >ow m#!h in"l#en!e did she
have over him?
& had no idea how a "atherSda#ghter relationship wored. +y own dad had !#t o#t when & was a year
old. >e3d pi!ed me #p "or visits now and then #ntil & was abo#t si-' b#t it wasn3t #ntil & was a teenager
that &3d reali6ed the driving "or!e behind those daddy%da#ghter days had been my mother3s desire "or
them to happen. >e3d !ome to my high s!hool grad#ation' given me a !ard with twenty b#!s in it' and
then gone ba! home to his wi"e and other !hildren' whose names & !o#ldn3t 1#ite remember. That had
been the last time &3d seen him. &t seemed !ompletely #nliely to me that i" & woe #p tomorrow !aring
deeply abo#t animals' he might alter his personal % and pro"essional % behavior in any way to honor my
!onvi!tions. Clearly' that wasn3t the !ase with Emma and 8eil.
The p#ppy #nder the Christmas tree was my "irst !l#e that she might be a little spoiled.
B#t Emma had seemed so antagonisti! toward 8eil. Be!a#se o" the divor!e? 5as he trying to mae
#p "or her disappointment in losing a stepmother? +aing #nwise b#siness de!isions didn3t seem to be
the best way to handle that.
By the time & got to the apartment' my brain was spinning. & was so !a#ght #p in my spe!#lation that
8eil was trying to b#y his da#ghter3s love by r#nning Porteras into the gro#nd % and my g#ilt over the
"a!t that & was spe!#lating anything abo#t 8eil3s relationship with his da#ghter at all % that when &
#nlo!ed the door and stepped inside' & didn3t bat an eye to "ind *e$a standing in the it!hen in nothing
b#t a t%shirt.
=2h. >ey.= She looed s#per embarrassed' and & waved her rea!tion o"".
=*on3t worry' literally the same thing $#st happened to me.= & h#ng #p my !oat. =5ell' not literally.
5ait... yo#3re o#t o" !onte-t.=
=0eah.= She drew o#t the word with a !omi!al grima!e' her eyes sparling.
>olli emerged "rom her room' wrapped in her se-y' short bla! satin robe. The ba! had an
ama6ing art no#vea# pea!o! embroidered on it' and & had massive wardrobe envy on the rare o!!asion
that & saw it. >olli reserved it almost e-!l#sively "or wowing overnight g#ests.
=>ey there. & tho#ght yo# weren3t s#pposed to be ba! #ntil tonight'= she said' heading to the
it!hen sin. She "illed the !o""ee pot with water while she waited "or my answer.
=& wasn3t.= &t was totally inappropriate "or me to be angry with Emma "or spoiling my S#nday. B#t &
!o#ldn3t eep the bitterness o#t o" my tone. >ey' &3m only h#man. =>is da#ghter dropped by. &t did not
go well.=
=2h god. >ow 3not well3?= >olli3s nervo#s ga6e darted to *e$a. =& mean' i" yo# !an tell #s.=
There were millions o" men in 8ew 0or' so & "ig#red & was sa"e so long as & didn3t name names.
=Cm' she heard me and her "ather having lo#d' aggressive se-. That 3not well.3=
=That3ll s!rew a id #p'= *e$a noted with a li"t o" her eyebrows.
=8o' she3s an ad#lt'= & answered be"ore & tho#ght to stop mysel". 2ay' there was more than one ri!h
middle%aged man in 8ew 0or City & !o#ld be involved with.
*e$a nodded. =Ah. And wo#ld she happen to be a !ondes!ending blonde who !an3t eep her travel
itinerary !#rrent with her "ather3s personal se!retary? Be!a#se & got a very terse email "rom one o" those
abo#t "i"teen min#tes ago.=
& opened my mo#th to say something' b#t all & !o#ld really do was gape at her.
=>ey' yo#r se!ret is sa"e with me.= She looed "rom me to >olli and ba! again with a ind o" deer%
in%the%headlights e-pression. =& "ig#red it o#t on my "irst day at the o""i!e. & don3t !are who yo# have se-
with. And & de"initely pre"er it i" my boss is getting laid. & "ind it maes my $ob a lot easier.=
=0o# !an3t tell anyone'= & warned.
=8ever.= *e$a !rossed her heart' then did a "#ll%body shiver. =&3m sorry yo# have to deal with the i!e
maiden' tho#gh.=
& didn3t "eel !om"ortable responding to a slam against 8eil(s da#ghter. Even i" & ind o" agreed with
the des!ription. & !hanged the s#b$e!t. .0o# now' *e$a' this whole pantsless thing ind o" r#ins yo#r
s#per !ool ro!%!hi! image "rom the o""i!e.=
=0eah' #m. & wasn3t really planning on staying over b#t...= *e$a looed lie she physi!ally !o#ldn3t
help smiling at >olli. The long' sweet moment that they held ea!h other3s ga6es made me "eel lie a
de"inite interloper' so & headed toward my room to give them priva!y.
=&3ll get o#t o" yo#r hair. & thin &3m going to try and !at!h #p on the sleep & didn3t get.= That was as
!lose to a sala!io#s remar as & !o#ld s#mmon at the moment' b#t & had to give them something.
&n my room' & grabbed my laptop o"" my nightstand. & opened Chrome and pa#sed' my "ingers
hovering over the eys.
&3m really not a "an o" the whole =,oogle yo#r romanti! interest= trend that has be!ome so
!ommonpla!e' b#t & wanted answers abo#t the sit#ation. ,ranted' & wasn3t abo#t to "ind res#lts "or'
=*oes 8eil Elwood get along with his da#ghter and i" so' why wo#ld she want to tan my $ob?= b#t &
hated "eeling so damned impotent and in the dar.
4#! it.
& typed =8eil Elwood= in the browser3s address bar' and bra!ed mysel" "or res#lts.
Can & $#st say how weird it is to be dating someone who has a 5iipedia page devoted to him? &
!li!ed the lin and looed over my sho#lder' lie someone was going to be standing there' waiting to
!at!h me. & read the bold top line' and my g#ts !h#rned. 1eil 3harles &eif .lwood4 (B. Aborn BC
(arch <=DCE. 5kay. !e$s a fucking knight apparently. That$s heavy.
& almost !overed my eyes as & s!rolled thro#gh the intro paragraph. B#sinessman' & new.
9hilanthropist' what, Band mine vi!tim !harity' what, This was the g#y who was spaning my ass raw
on the reg?
The gist o" things seemed to be that & was in way over my head. +y eyes s!anned the se!tion abo#t
his early li"e % Born to Aose Unee ArdenV and Bei" Elwood' yo#ngest o" "o#r !hildren' lived in Bondon
#ntil he was seven' "amily moved to his "ather3s native Aey$avi % yo# now' all o" the st#"" yo# do
when yo#3re not the !hild o" a poor single mom "rom +i!higan. & dropped my head to my hands.
To the right o" the page' beneath a pi!t#re that looed more lie the man &(d met in the airport than
the way he looed now' was a bar with ba!gro#nd "a!ts. And & nearly !hoed when & saw that #nder
=partners= it listed /alerie )tern A<=FC <=FFE above .li-abeth +alton.lwood ABGGH I BG<BE
Stern? As in... Elwood G Stern? Another !he! o" the dates made my stoma!h !h#rn. 5as his
b#siness partner Emma3s mother?
That was it. 2bsessive' stalery ,oogling too over the rest o" my day. & learned that 8eil had "irst
wored "or the British arm o" his now de!eased "ather3s media !orporation be"ore breaing o#t on his
own to wor "or... Ai!hard Branson. And oh' loo' there was a photo o" 8eil and Ai!hard Branson' at
some bla! tie event in the N03s. Standing ne-t to 9a#l +!Cartney. & also learned that 8eil was the tenth
ri!hest Brit' owing to his shares in his "ather(s media and property management !ompanies in &!eland.
>is estimated net worth was L.; billion British po#nds.
And & had arg#ed with him over paying "or room servi!e.
& sh#t my laptop and set it gently aside' as i" it were some highly #nstable !ompo#nd.
There was a no! at my door' and >olli !alled' =0o# !an stop hiding in there o#t o" politeness'
she3s gone.=
=& wasn3t hiding'= & told her as & opened the door. =& was giving yo# some spa!e. & tho#ght yo#
weren3t going to see her again.=
=& was #nde!ided.= >olli "ollowed me to the bed and sat on the edge while & "lopped a!ross it
sideways.
Staring #p at the !ra! in the plaster above my bed' & set my billionaire problem aside "or a moment.
=Are yo# any !loser to a de!ision on her?=
>olli !onsidered' s!ooting ba! and p#lling her legs #p !riss%!ross. =& lie her. &3ll de"initely see her
again. B#t let3s not go pi!ing o#t toasters to p#t on the registry.=
& grinned and teased' =>olli and *e$a sittin3 in a tree...=
=5hat abo#t yo#? Two !onse!#tive nights. 0o# never stay the night. And getting !a#ght by his
da#ghterD= >er $aw dropped. =9lease tell me she did not wal in % =
=8oD B#t it was bad eno#gh. She heard everything. She totally hates me now.= & gest#red g#iltily to
my laptop. =Then & !ome home and "ind o#t' oh' 8eil is not only lie' a billionaire with his own
!ompany' b#t yeah' he3s a night and he hangs o#t with a Beatle every now and then.=
=0ies. B#t... a!!ording to *e$a' yo# sho#ld be in there with him.= >olli bit her th#mbnail. =& didn3t
tell her' by the way. She bro#ght it #p on her own.=
=5hat do yo# mean 3in there?3= & snorted. =5e3ve had se-' &3ve already !losed that deal.=
=&... don(t thin it(s $#st se- "or him' Soph. *e$a said that he ased abo#t yo# several times while he
was in England. Always trying to see how yo# were doing in the new $ob and st#""' maing it so#nd lie
he !ared abo#t yo# as an employee' b#t still. She thins the d#de is in love with yo#.=
=8o' de"initely not.= & "or!ed mysel" to ill the goo"y smile & "elt !oming on. Bie' strangle it with
my bare hands ill it. & did not need to start drawing hearts and "lowers aro#nd his name in my noteboo.
=8either o" #s are in a pla!e to p#rs#e anything serio#s.=
The memory o" that 5iipedia page "lashed thro#gh my mind. >e3d been with @alerie Stern "or
three years' married to his wi"e "or two' altho#gh they(d apparently dated "or a "ew. 5as that as long
term as he got?
5hy did that bother me?
2" !o#rse' he3d promised we3d stay "riends even i" we stopped sleeping together. >ad he made the
same promise to @alerie? 5as that why they were in b#siness together? 2r had that been a do%the%right%
thing move' giving the mother o" his !hild a $ob a"ter he !#t o#t on her?
=CghD= & p#lled my pillow over my "a!e so & !o#ld s!ream into it and i! my legs in !hildish
"r#stration. Sitting #p & groaned' =& eep assigning him all these sinister emotional motives "or
pra!ti!ally everything he does. Bie' 32h' he3s doing this be!a#se he3s a bad "ather'3 and 32h' he3s doing
that be!a#se he "eels g#ilty abo#t his e-.3 5hy !an3t & $#st lie him?=
=Be!a#se yo# really' really lie him'= >olli said with a pitying smile. =0o#3re trying to "ind ways to
avoid liing him. That3s the "irst sign.=
=2h' lie yo# with yo#r 3#nde!ided3 on *e$a?= & blew o#t a long' e-asperated breath. =0o#3re right
tho#gh. & love him. & am in love with the g#y & started a !as#al relationship with' and &3m a"raid o" what
that means.=
>olli shr#gged. =5hy does it have to be mean anything? 0o# love him. ,reat. B#t yo# don3t want
to get married and do the happy "amily thing' yo#3ve always been pretty !lear on that' right?=
=0eah'= & !on!eded. =& don3t see mysel" !#t o#t "or that ind o" li"e.=
=So' yo# love him. En$oy the time yo#3re spending with him. &" it t#rns into something more' then it
does. &" it doesn3t' well... yo#3re with him right now. <#st roll with it.=
=>ow !an yo# say something &3ve already said to mysel"' and mae it so#nd ten tho#sand times
smarter?= &t was tr#e. A lot o" the time' the voi!e o" reason in my head was $#st >olli3s voi!e !alling me
a d#mb ass. =& g#ess & $#st don3t lie the tho#ght that he might not "eel the same way abo#t me.=
=Cm' he "eels the same way. Tr#st me. &" *e$a pi!ed #p on it' then he(s into yo#./ >olli stood and
stret!hed. =&3m gonna tae a shower' and then &3m having l#n!h with my agent. 2n a S#nday' so yo#
now it3s good news' i" it !o#ldn(t wait #ntil tomorrow. 7eep yo#r "ingers !rossed' oay?=
& held #p both my hands' giving her a total o" "o#r sets o" !rossed "ingers. =Consider them !rossed.=
At least one o" #s sho#ld have something awesome happen in o#r !areer' & m#sed as & rea!hed "or
my laptop again. As soon as the s!reen blined on' & !losed the browser window. & didn3t need to now
any more. >olli was right' & wasn3t in this relationship be!a#se & wanted some traditional romanti!
"airytale. & was seeing him be!a#se we were great together in bed' and we got along as people. And so
what i" he had some big' impressive past? All the awesome shit he3d done in his li"e had happened a"ter
twenty%"o#r. & was twenty%"o#r right now' so there was no reason & sho#ld "eel inade1#ate $#st be!a#se &
didn3t have a legend o" British ro! on speed dial. & wasn3t going to worry abo#t how di""erent we were. &
was $#st going to en$oy being with him.
Chapter Si-teen
& went to wor on +onday morning "eeling really great abo#t the positive dire!tion things had
taen. &3d been promoted % on my own merit and not' as & had "eared' be!a#se o" who &3d slept with % and
despite the !#rrent !l#ster "#! going on in the bea#ty department' we were a!t#ally doing oay. 5e3d
"o#nd a really !ool' #nder%re!ogni6ed bea#ty brand we3d made the "o!#s o" the hastily overha#led
<an#ary spread' and even tho#gh it had p#t #s behind on 4ebr#ary' the sy wasn3t "alling lie it had been
d#ring my "irst wee.
Cn"ort#nately' woring in the same b#ilding as 8eil and not seeing him was psy!hologi!al tort#re. &
"elt lie an obsessed middle%s!hooler' whi!h & really didn3t lie. & "or!ed mysel" to "o!#s' and wored so
& was away "rom the door. & didn3t want to !at!h mysel" looing #p every ten se!onds' trying to get a
glimpse o" him on the o"" !han!e he was waling thro#gh the main "loor.
The only way 8eil and & were going to be able to !ontin#e o#r relationship o#tside o" wor was i" &
!o#ld eep !on!entrating on my $ob. 5hi!h is why when & went to his o""i!e at the beginning o" my
l#n!h ho#r' it had nothing to do with #s dating' and everything to do with >olli and *e$a dating.
A"ter seeing the two o" them together in the apartment' &3d de!ided that & had to meddle. <#st lightly.
<#st to give *e$a a hint. Be!a#se "rom what &3d dis!erned "rom o#r past si- years o" "riendship' dating
>olli was lie trying to solve the p#66le bo- "rom !ellraiser. *e$a was doing me a solid by not blowing
the whistle on my e-tra!#rri!#lar "#n times with 8eil' so & owed her a solid right ba!.
=>ey' +r. Elwood isn3t here'= *e$a said' looing #p "rom her !omp#ter when & p#shed thro#gh the
door.
=That3s oay. &3m not here to see +r. Elwood' &3m here to see yo#.= &t was still s#per bi6arre to be
ba! in this o""i!e' standing in "ront o" the des &3d wored behind "or two years. & looed over to the
empty des a!ross the room. =Still no se!ond assistant?=
=8o' & don3t really thin he needs one'= *e$a said tapping a b#tton on her eyboard be"ore swiveling
her !hair to "a!e me. =Either he3s not demanding eno#gh' or &3m the most !apable assistant in the
#niverse.=
=& bet it3s the se!ond one.=
She gave a little la#gh' b#t & !o#ld tell she was eager to tal abo#t >olli. >er eyebrows shot #p' and
she smiled a big' #nnat#ral smile. =So... how3s >olli?=
=,ood' she3s good.= & nodded' my lips !lamped together as & tried to "ig#re o#t how to say what &
wanted to tell her. =Boo' & thin yo# g#ys !o#ld be really good together. B#t there3s something yo#
sho#ld now.=
=2h?= she ased warily' her smile "ading a little. =*id & do something wrong?=
=5ell.../ & too a breath. =>olli is really' really sensitive abo#t her weight.=
*e$a la#ghed in disbelie". =Cm' she weighs abo#t two po#ndsD & wish & was so sinny.=
=& now' and that3s the problem.= &3d lived with >olli sin!e "reshman year at !ollege' so &3d had
plenty o" time to see how the well%meaning !omments o" strangers had a""e!ted her. & really hoped &
!o#ld mae *e$a #nderstand in a "ew min#tes what it had taen me years to learn. =She gets a lot o" !rap
"or being so sinny. 9eople get snotty with her and a!!#se her o" having an eating disorder' or they give
her a b#n!h o" praise "or her willpower. She $#st gets tired o" it. The tr#th is' it3s $#st how her body is.
She has as m#!h tro#ble gaining weight as most people do losing weight. Then yo# get a b#n!h o"
$ealo#s people taing digs at her' and there3s no way she !an win.=
=2h my god.= *e$a looed slightly ill. =And here & was' all weeend with my st#pid' 32h' &3m so
$ealo#s o" yo#' yo# !an eat whatever yo# want' & wish my thighs didn3t to#!h' blah blah blah.3= She
dropped her head into her hands. =*e$a yo# "#!ing idiot.=
=8o' loo' don3t beat yo#rsel" #p.= & "elt ind o" bad' tho#gh & didn3t now why. &" & were ro#tinely
o""ending someone' & wo#ld de"initely want to be told' and & was s#re *e$a appre!iated hearing this.
=She really lies yo#. And & thin yo# g#ys wo#ld be so great together. <#st' in this !ase' an apology
might go a long way.=
=5ill do'= she ass#red me. =Than yo#.=
=&3m abo#t to go grab some l#n!h. *o yo# want me to bring anything ba! "or yo#?=
*e$a shoo her head. =8o' &3ve got this avo!ado wrap thing in the "ridge. ,o' have a good one.=
As & t#rned to leave' 8eil !ame thro#gh the door' "ollowed by >ope. >e looed startled to see me
there. =>ello' Sophie.=
=>ello' +r. Elwood. & was $#st on my way o#t.= & passed him and nodded at >ope. =>ello.=
=,etting along alright in the bea#ty department' dear?= >ope ased. She was abo#t one h#ndred
per!ent more pleasant now that she wasn3t woring with ,abriella.
=Things are going great. A "ew b#mps' b#t it3s going great.= & nodded at her and 8eil' !at!hing his
eyes s#per brie"ly be"ore & headed thro#gh the door. &3d $#st made it to the lobby when my phone
vibrated with a te-t message "rom 8eil.
That skirt is driving me insane.
& smired to mysel" as & e-ited the b#ilding. & was hoping he3d noti!ed my "loaty green sirt beneath
the hem o" my short white wool !oat. & had de"initely started to dress with an eye to what 8eil wo#ld
"ind attra!tive. 8othing inappropriate "or the wor pla!e' still "ashionable' b#t &3d "ig#red o#t early that
he was pretty into sirts. A "lash o" o#r night in the hotel si- years previo#s !ame to me' his hand
gripping the ba! o" my waistband and ro#ghly $ering down my $eans. A hot "l#sh s#""#sed my body'
starting at my torso and spreading to my limbs. 2ay' so maybe the !lothes didn(t matter. +aybe he was
$#st into me.
=>ey' SophieD=
& startled g#iltily. & wasn3t even twenty "eet "rom the "ront door and & was thining inappropriate%"or%
the%o""i!e tho#ghts. 5hen & t#rned' <ae was $ogging down the steps to !at!h #p with me.
=0o# going to l#n!h?= he ased' stepping to the !#rb to hail a ta-i.
=0eah'= & said' not adding the part abo#t going on my own. Ever sin!e his little tantr#m in the
!on"eren!e room the other day' &3d been avoiding <ae. &t was a lot easier to do' now that & was in bea#ty.
To him' my department was a "rivolo#s $oe' aro#nd $#st to pad o#t the maga6ine3s advertising. >e
hadn(t !alled or ased how the $ob was panning o#t. & was s#rprised he even deigned to spea to me
anymore.
=+ind i" & tag along? &3ve got something & want to r#n by yo#.= The !ab he3d signaled stopped at the
!#rb and he opened the door "or me.
,ritting my teeth' & smoothed my sirt down and sw#ng my legs in' thighs "irmly together. <ae got
in beside me and gave the driver the name o" an in!redibly pretentio#s s#shi pla!e that was !#rrently the
rage among the elite at Porteras.
4#!er didn3t even as me i" & wanted s#shi.
>e t#rned to me and "lashed the big smile he reserved "or when he wanted something. 5hen &(d
"irst !ome to Porteras' that smile had given me a little !r#sh on him. 2n!e &(d learned he had a
girl"riend' &(d "irmly resolved not to !r#sh on him. 8ow that &(d seen how moody and weird he !o#ld be'
& wasn(t as $ealo#s o" Amanda anymore.
>is eyes dipped to my bare legs be"ore ret#rning 1#i!ly to my "a!e. =& $#st wanted to to#!h base
with yo#. 4ind o#t i" yo#3re still happy woring "or Porteras.=
5hat a strange 1#estion. 5e3d always been !h#mmy at wor' b#t he3d never seemed overly
!on!erned abo#t my !areer. 5e #s#ally always taled abo#t his. =Cm' & $#st got a great promotion. 5hy
wo#ldn3t & be happy?=
>e nodded' still smiling' and !h#!led lie we were sharing some private $oe. =Aight' & mean.
5ith all the !hanges' &3m s#re yo# g#ys are drowning in wor over there.=
=&t3s... been a little stress"#l'= & admitted !a#tio#sly. =>ow abo#t yo#? Are yo# ind o" over the
whole @ersailles thing? & saw the layo#t' it loos ama6ing.=
=8o' it3s de"initely... &t3s something. &t3s not what & wanted it to be' b#t it3s still going to be good "or
my port"olio.= >e settled against the seat. =& wanted to let yo# in on something happening behind the
s!enes. B#t & need to now yo#3re on o#r side.=
5minous4 much, =Side? & don3t % = & stopped mysel". 5hatever he was going to tell me' it wo#ld be
something & wanted to now' either to prote!t Porteras or to get ahead in my own !areer.
1ot to protect 1eil, & ased mysel"' in a voi!e that' again' so#nded s#spi!io#sly lie >olli. B#t i"
>olli had been here' she wo#ld have wanted me to get some $#i!y dirt. &" she was going to be my really
inept !ons!ien!e' &3d better do what she said.
=2" !o#rse &3m on yo#r side' <ae. 5e3re b#ddies' right?= & smiled' imitating >olli3s pra!ti!ed
e-pressions "or modeling. 2bvio#sly' & wasn3t as good at it as she was' b#t & didn3t thin <ae wo#ld
noti!e & was lying' so long as it was the lie he wanted to hear.
,od' how did & not reali6e what a slea6e he was? >ad he been on good behavior when ,abriella had
been aro#nd? 2r had & $#st been too swamped in her demands to noti!e anything abo#t the people
aro#nd me?
=Absol#tely.= >e adopted the tone o" a pro"essional m#lti%level mareter' too earnest to be tr#sted'
lie he wo#ld promise me anything to !lose the sale. =So' yo# didn3t hear this "rom me. B#t apparently
8eil Elwood3s da#ghter is an animal rights a!tivist' and that3s why he3s maing all o" these !ra6y
demands at the maga6ine.=
+y $aw dropped. 4irst o" all' at <ae3s !on!ern that this was somehow !on"idential in"ormation. &t
had been on 8eil3s 5iipedia page when &(d !he!ed it yesterday. Se!ond' that <ae had no !l#e & might
have already nown. 5hi!h meant my #nethi!al' !landestine roman!e with the boss wasn3t the ob$e!t o"
o""i!e gossip yet. That was a relie".
+y phone b#66ed. & !o#ldn3t resist !he!ing the message. & held #p one "inger. =>ang on' wor
te-t.=
& ept my e-pression !are"#lly ne#tral as & read) #$d like to push that skirt up and devour your cunt.
=&t !an wait'= & said' 1#i!ly t#rning o"" the s!reen. =0o# were saying?=
=5ell' "rom what we3ve heard' a lot o" designers were already giving him side%eye when he bo#ght
the !ompany' "or e-a!tly that reason. Apparently' Emma Elwood has her "ather wrapped aro#nd her
little "inger. >e3ll do anything "or her'= <ae said in total disg#st' as i" the very idea o" a "ather3s love
revolted him. =So' she de!ides to sh#n her daddy3s o""er o" a !#shy $ob at his !ompany in "avor o"
pretending to have a real $ob at ,lobal 5ellness' and now she wants him to tae Porteras vegan or
something.=
& shoo my head. =+r. Elwood seems pretty smart. & mean' he3s r#n all those other maga6ines % =
<ae !#t me o"" with a !ondes!ending la#gh. >is teeth were so straight and white. >e was lie a
snae wearing dent#res. =0eah' !ar maga6ines? >o#sewi"e st#""' tabloids. >e doesn3t now the "irst
thing abo#t what he3s gotten into here' and he3s already pissed o"" a lot o" the mae#p artists doing the
shoots "or 4ebr#ary3s iss#e. They have to #se only !r#elty "ree prod#!ts.=
=Same edi!t "or the bea#ty department' too'= & pointed o#t. =So' yo# thin it3s his da#ghter behind
all this?=
=2h' most de"initely.= 5e3d !ome to a stand still in tra""i!' and he looed o#t his window' as i" he
wo#ld be able to see the !a#se o" the hold #p ahead. *istra!tedly' he added' =2h' yo#3ll lie this. >is
b#siness partner' @alerie Stern? Emma3s mother. Apparently' Elwood !an3t eep it in his pants at wor
and has to give o#t !ompanies lie hard !andy to !over #p his mistaes. B#t serio#sly' yo# didn3t hear all
this "rom me.=
& hadn3t' so it was easy to !ross my heart and promise' =0o# didn3t tell me any o" this.=
+y phone vibrated again. =>ang on' maybe it !an3t really wait.=
& pretended to loo !on!erned while & read) #f we were alone together right now4 # would push you
over my desk4 wrap that cute little ponytail around my fist4 and pull your hair while # fucked you.
& !leared my throat and !he!ed o#t the window. The tra""i! was still snarled. & eyed the sidewal
on the other side o" the street. =Cm. & g#ess it3s ind o" an emergen!y. & sho#ld get ba!.=
=&n bea#ty?= & was beginning to really hate <ae3s derisive la#gh. =*o yo# g#ys even have
emergen!ies there?=
=5hen lip gloss !alls'= & o""ered apologeti!ally. & wasn3t r#nning ba! to the o""i!e to have se- with
8eil. That $#st wasn3t a smart idea' and the last time we3d done anything there it had been a disaster. B#t
& !o#ldn3t sit and listen to <ae3s b#llshit "or another se!ond witho#t s!reaming and ripping o#t my hair.
=& !an3t s!rew this #p right now. 0o# #nderstand' right? >ere' let me give yo# ten "or the !ab % =
=8o way' no way'= <ae said. 8ever on!e' in o#r entire o""i!e "riendship' had he let me pay my
share o" anything. Be!a#se "emale dollars are apparently worth less than male dollars. =,o get yo#r eye
shadow emergen!y #nder !ontrol.=
&gnoring the driver3s protest' & got o#t o" the !ab on the le"t when the opposing tra""i! let #p' and
darted a!ross the lanes to the sidewal. & h#rried ba! in the dire!tion o" o#r b#ilding' and when & new &
was o#t o" <ae3s line o" sight' & d#!ed into a Starb#!s and ordered a sim%mil latte and one o" their
plasti!%wrapped sandwi!hes. 5hile & waited' & !he!ed my phone and !onsidered 8eil3s last message.
Even tho#gh what he was saying to me was pretty tame !ompared to what we had been getting #p to
in private' seeing those words on my phone3s s!reen had the same e""e!t on me as i" he3d whispered them
in my ear. +y p#lse po#nded in my !lit' and & new my panties wo#ld be sopping i" & ept thining
abo#t this. Still' & tho#ght & sho#ld probably say something ba!.
And then # would get on my knees and suck the taste of my pussy off your cock' & typed' hoping none
o" the other !#stomers wo#ld pee at my s!reen. & mean' i" they did' it was their own "a#lt i" they got a
sho!. They sho#ldn3t be reading over a stranger3s sho#lder' anyway.
& hit send' then grinned to mysel" and started a new message) #$d suck you off until you exploded4
then #8d swallow your cum. (aybe # would use your little platinum friend on you while # did it.
There' that sho#ld have done it.
& got my order and headed ba! to the o""i!e. & "ig#red my !over story was sa"e' sin!e the
department had been on the edge o" !risis ever sin!e my very "irst day. & waled thro#gh re!eption'
shooting a !as#al glan!e at the glass doors to 8eil3s o""i!e. Aats. >e wasn3t where & !o#ld see him. *e$a
looed #p' and & waved with the three "ingers & !o#ld spare while still !arrying my l#n!h.
&3d $#st settled in at my des % oay' not my des' a !orner o" a wortable that had been designated
as my des % when a new te-t !ame in. & grinned to mysel". &t was $#st one word) @esus.
J J J J
At aro#nd nine o3!lo! that night' my phone rang. &t was 8eil.
Shame"#lly' & had given him his own ringtone' 4eist(s .Beis#re S#ite./ The se-y bossa nova beat
p#rred "rom my phone(s speaer' and & s!rambled to answer it' moving "rom the living room to my
bedroom and !losing the door behind me.
& hadn3t heard "rom him sin!e his last te-t at l#n!htime' so & "ig#red & new what this !all was going
to be abo#t. =>ello?= & p#rred inno!ently.
=0o# sa#!y little tease' & had to hide an ere!tion "rom the photo editing department.=
=&3m sorry' who is this?/ & ased with a giggle. .& give so many men ere!tions while they(re in the
photo editing department./
=& sho#ld tae yo# over my nee'= he said' a mo! threat' sin!e he new that wo#ldn3t be anything
lie a p#nishment "or me.
=Boo' yo#3re the one who started it'= & reminded him.
=That & did. And &3d lie to "inish it.=
& looed at my alarm !lo! and sighed. =& !o#ldn3t tonight. & have a really early meeting. Besides'
staying over on a weenight? That3s a little too !lose to domesti! "or my !om"ort.=
=8o' yo#3re right' and &3ve got a big day tomorrow' too. B#t & ass#me yo# have Sype on yo#r
laptop?=
2h. 2h' that na#ghty bastard.
=& do.= & rea!hed "or my laptop and p#lled it onto the bed with me. =5hat are yo# s#ggesting?=
=+eet me on Sype in ten min#tes'= he instr#!ted. =&3ve $#st sent my #sername to yo#r email
a!!o#nt.=
+y heart "l#ttered. 2ay' so did another part o" me. =0es' Sir.=
=See yo# in ten.=
& h#ng #p and looed aro#nd my room. & lo!ed my bedroom door % not stri!tly ne!essary' >olli
never barged in witho#t no!ing. B#t &3d never done the internet se- thing be"ore' and the e-tra
meas#re was going to go a long way toward maing me !om"ortable. Then & looed down at my
$ammies. 5hile & love my "roggies' they had to go. & "o#nd a pair o" se-y bla! la!e panties in my !lean
la#ndry and p#lled them on. & "l#""ed my hair and positioned mysel" against the pillows. & dotted on
some 1#i! lip gloss % & didn3t have time "or "#ll mae#p' and & was way too tired. Besides' he3d said he
lied me any way he !o#ld have me' and & was holding him to that.
5hen & positioned the laptop between my "eet' & was sho!ed at what the !amera showed me. &
looed pretty awesome' "or someone with no mae#p and hair that had been in a ponytail all day. The
angle wo#ld give him a !lear loo at my whole bodyH my spread thighs' my panty%!overed !rot!h' my
t#mmy' my tits' my shiny' po#ty lips' the entire pa!age. & was already growing aro#sed at the tho#ght
o" being displayed lie this "or him.
& sat #p and !he!ed my email' then typed his !onta!t into Sype.
5ithin se!onds' & had a !all. & hit a!!ept and the video i!on' then hastily reass#med my position.
5hen the !all !onne!ted' & saw 8eil' sitting on the so"a in his bedroom. >is !omp#ter m#st have
been on the !o""ee table in "ront o" him. >e was still wearing his shirt and tro#sers "rom wor' tho#gh
he3d lost the $a!et and his sleeves were rolled ba!. >e was also wearing a pair o" glasses. &3d never
seen him wear glasses be"ore. &t was #nbearably !#te.
=5ell' hello 9oinde-ter'= & teased. & rested one hand on my stoma!h' $#st above my panties' and the
other on one thigh.
=4or Christ3s sae' Sophie' yo# !an3t spring s#!h a sight on a man. 5e need a little warning./ >e
!h#!led' and p#shed #p his glasses. =*on3t tease me. +y !onta!ts were giving me a dread"#l heada!he.
Consider my nerdy appearan!e the pri!e yo# m#st pay "or the wisdom and e-perien!e o" an older
s#itor.=
=0o#3re in yo#r "orties' not yo#r eighties'= & s!olded. =*id yo# lie my te-t message?=
>e rea!hed "or something o"" !amera' a ro!s glass with amber li1#id in it. >e too a sip' made a
noise o" approval' and answered' =2nly i" yo# mean Rlie3 in the sense that & spent the entire day "ighting
the #rge to "ind a 1#iet pla!e to $a! o"".=
& giggled. =*on3t start nothin3' won3t be nothin3' yo# dirty old man.=
>e too another drin "rom his glass be"ore setting it aside. =& ass#me yo#3re alone' then?=
=& am. And & ass#me the same "or yo#?= & li"ted my head slightly' pretending to peer aro#nd him
into the room.
=Alone' lo!ed door. Tho#gh & wo#ld m#!h rather have yo# here than all the way down in
Chinatown.= >e looed "leetingly sad.
=5ell' not all o" #s !an a""ord 4i"th Aven#e'= & snorted. =Are yo# going to "eel sorry "or yo#rsel"' or
are we going to have se-?=
>e grinned at me' settling ba! on the so"a and tilting the s!reen so & !o#ld still see his "a!e. =All
right. 5hy don3t yo#... play with yo#r nipples.=
& li"ted my hands to my breasts. =Bie this?=
=8o hard to#!hes yet. 8o pin!hing. 0o#3re going to tease yo#rsel"' the way & wo#ld tease yo#'= he
instr#!ted.
=5aitD= & remembered the !ooling gel that had !ome with the se- toys he3d bo#ght me. & leaned over
to my bedside table' opened the drawer and "o#nd the small !ompa!t. =+ight as well try this st#"" o#t.=
=E-!ellent idea'= he agreed with a slow smile.
& dipped my "ingers into the gel' then slowly drew them aro#nd the nipple o" my right breast. & was
sho!ed at how well the st#"" woredH the moment it to#!hed my sin' & "elt lie the standing air was a
!old bree6e. +y nipple and a#reole tightened into a hard pea' and goose b#mps stood o#t on my "irm
sin.
=@ery ni!e'= 8eil !omplimented' and & t#rned my attention to the other breast' repeating my a!tions
"rom be"ore.
& swirled my "ingers aro#nd the pin tips in wide !ir!les that narrowed with ea!h pass. +y breasts
"elt heavy and "#ll' my nipples stood tall' pra!ti!ally begging "or attention "rom my hands. & simmed
my palms over the sti!y gel' my breath !at!hing.
=>ow does that "eel?= he ased' and & let o#t a shay sigh. >is eyebrows "li!ed #p. .That good?=
=@ery good'= & m#rm#red. =& never #s#ally to#!h mysel" lie this.=
=& "ind that very di""i!#lt to believe.= >e rea!hed "or his "ly and t#gged the 6ipper down.
=Considering the greeting yo# gave me at the hotel.=
& made a noise o" impatien!e' drawing my "ingers along the bottom !#rves o" my breasts. =That3s
not what & mean. +ost o" the time' & $#st head straight down so#th.=
=Ah.= >e p#lled his penis "rom his bo-ers. >e was semi%ere!t and growing harder as he slowly
stroed himsel".
+y p#lse sped #p. &3d wat!hed past partners $er o"" be"ore' and it had de"initely t#rned me on.
There was something sho!ing and intimate abo#t wat!hing a man to#!h himsel". B#t they had always
been doing it while wat!hing internet porn. 8ot one o" them had ever $a!ed o"" while wat!hing me.
=Tae yo#r panties o""'= he said' gliding his hand #p and down. =Bet me see yo#.=
&t was with great rel#!tan!e that & p#lled my hands "rom my a!hing breasts to slide the bla! la!e
over my bottom' #p the slope o" my bent legs to my nees' and then down. & new & was wet' and that he
!o#ld probably tell' with my legs spread apart the way they were.
>e sighed !ontentedly. =There. That3s what &3ve been thining abo#t all day. &3d love to "eel yo#
right now.=
=& !an "eel me'= & teased' rea!hing down to press two "ingertips into my opening' $#st a tiny bit.
=& see that.= >e smiled his hal" smile' la6ily gliding his hand #p and down that big !o!.
=& want yo#'= & whimpered' !ir!ling my !lit. =This is totally #n"air' yo# now.=
=*idn3t yo# wear yo#r hair p#lled ba! today?= he ased s#ddenly.
=0%yeah.= 5hy did that matter?
=,et the r#bber band'= he said' his hand stilling. =Bet3s try something.=
& rea!hed a!ross to my nightstand and grabbed the hair tie' holding it #p so he !o#ld see. =5hat
e-a!tly are we trying' here?=
=&3d rather be there to do this to yo#' mysel"' b#t & s#ppose sin!e that isn3t possible tonight' yo#3ll
have to do it'= he said' his voi!e low and dar with the promise o" something in!redible to !ome. =9#t
the r#bber band aro#nd yo#r "irst and se!ond "ingers' and spread it o#t.=
& did as he ordered' trepidation !reeping into my mind. =& thin & now where this is going.=
=*o yo# tr#st me?= he ased' in that tone & was so #sed to obeying.
=0es' Sir'= & answered. =9#t the r#bber band against yo#r thigh' and #se yo#r other hand to snap it.=
& swallowed and pla!ed the stret!hed hair tie against the top o" my thigh. 8eil made an admonishing
noise. =8ot there. The inside.=
& too a deep breath and moved my hand. The ponytail holder rested against the !#rve o" my inner
thigh' $#st above my p#ssy' and & grasped one side o" the elasti!' drawing it #p between the th#mb and
"ore"inger o" my other hand. +entally !o#nting to three' & let it go. Smarting pain blossomed in my sin'
nothing & !o#ldn3t handle.
=2h' Sophie' yo# disappoint me'= 8eil s!olded. =>arder. Bet3s see it leave a mar.=
& mewled in protest' b#t & p#lled it #p again' "#rther this time' stret!hing the band tight. 5hen it
slapped ba! down' & yelped in s#rprise and wat!hed as pin "l#shed my sin aro#nd a sho!ing white
welt.
=@ery good.= 8eil was stroing his !o!' rolling the "oresin #p and over the head' then ba! down
as he wat!hed me. =8ow' do it again' b#t this time do it to yo#r !lit.=
=Are yo# n#ts?= & la#ghed in disbelie". =0o# want me to snap my !lit with a ponytail holder?=
=&" & were there' & wo#ld do it "or yo#'= he said again' apologeti!ally. =& !an give yo# the !ommand'
i" yo# lie.=
=That3s going to h#rt lie a mother"#!er'= & pointed o#t.
=0es' it is'= he agreed. =B#t have we done anything yet that yo# didn3t lie?=
=8o'= & admitted gr#mpily. To my dismay' & was a!hing' throbbing at the tho#ght o" that bee%sting
o" pain.
*amn him "or nowing me so well.
=Then do as yo#(re told'= he warned. =2r else & won$t tae yo# over my nee. As strange as that
threat may be.=
& la#ghed and too a breath' positioning the hair tie over my mo#nd. =Bie this?=
=8o' o" !o#rse not. Spread yo#rsel" open.=
5ith the two "ingers stret!hing the r#bber band' & parted my labia' e-posing the hard b#tton o" my
straining !lit. & p#lled the elasti! #p and held my breath.
=There. That3s not so bad' is it?= >e rea!hed "or his glass and too a long swallow.
& shi"ted my hips' dreading the pain' dreading the anti!ipation b#ilding inside o" me. =& tho#ght we
weren3t s#pposed to be tipsy doing this.=
=As &3m not physi!ally doing anything to yo#' and yo#(re sober' & thin we3re sa"e.= >e nodded at
me. =*o it.=
& held my breath. 7nowing how it wo#ld "eel' seeing the eviden!e o" the welt on my thigh' !o#ld &
do this?
=Sophie.= &t was a warning. & was e-pe!ted to do as my Sir !ommanded. A thrill shot thro#gh me.
5hen we were together' & wo#ld do anything "or him. And nowing that only made me hotter "or him.
& made a helpless noise o" "ear as & released the elasti!. &t snapped hard against my straining !lit' and
the res#lting sho! o" pain !a#se me to gasp and $er my hand away.
=8o' no'= he told me. =*on3t move. *on3t !lose yo#r legs.=
& wanted to s1#ee6e my thighs sh#t to ease the b#rn. >olding them open prolonged the pain' and'
strangely' intensi"ied the pleas#re &3d gotten "rom it.
=Again'= he ordered.
&t was more di""i!#lt the se!ond time. & new what it wo#ld "eel lie' the sharp sting' the lingering
a!he. B#t & also new the pleas#re behind it' the relie" o" re!eiving a to#!h' even a pain"#l one' on my
needy' tort#red "lesh. & let the elasti! snap again and restrained my !ry' so it be!ame a high% pit!hed' thin
noise behind my !losed lips.
=0o# want to to#!h yo#rsel"' don3t yo#?= he ased. =0o# want to press yo#r hand over yo#rsel" and
ease that pain.=
=& do' Sir'= & panted. &t too real physi!al strength to eep my "ingers "rom straying.
=0o# may. Cntil & tell yo# to stop.=
& p#shed my "ingertips over my !lit' groaning my relie"' r#bbing soothing !ir!les over my tort#red
"lesh. The a"termath o" the pain had le"t me oddly n#mb' tho#gh & new that & sho#ld be aro#sed by my
to#!h. Soon' tho#gh' as the sting "aded and my "ingers pi!ed #p their pa!e' & !o#ld "eel everything $#st
"ine. & li"ted my hips a little' ro!ing against my hand.
=& thin that3s eno#gh.= 8eil3s voi!e opened my eyes' tho#gh & hadn3t even reali6ed &3d !losed them.
Ael#!tantly' & p#lled my "ingers away.
=*o yo# want to !ome' Sophie?= he ased. & !o#ldn3t tae my eyes o"" the image o" his !o! on the
s!reen. & "elt so #tterly empty. The tho#ght that & wo#ld have to wait #ntil the end o" the wee to be with
him' that we wo#ld have to be in the same b#ilding every day and not be able to to#!h ea!h other... &
wanted to !ry.
&nstead' & whimpered' =0es' Sir.=
=All right. Three more with the r#bber band' "or a ni!e even "ive. Then & wo#ld say yo#3d earned it.=
>is smile was deli!io#sly mali!io#s' and my !#nt !len!hed on a!hing emptiness.
& s1#eaed in o#trage. =4ive isn3t an even n#mberD 5hy not two more' "or "o#r?=
=5hy not "o#r more' "or si-?= he ased' raising an eyebrow.
& looed away to roll my eyes and la#gh. & really' really wanted to re"#se' to rebel against the
!ommand & didn3t lie' yet at the same time... & really wanted to do as he said. &n "a!t' & loved doing it. &
wo#ld drop him in a heartbeat i" he ever tried to order me aro#nd o#tside the bedroom the way he did in
it' b#t it really p#shed my b#ttons. &t apparently even wored when we weren3t in the same 6ip !ode.
=4ine'= & m#ttered. =Three more.=
Taing a deep breath' & positioned the ponytail holder and stret!hed it #p' waiting "or him to tell me
when.
=0o# !an3t possibly #nderstand how m#!h & want yo#.= >e stroed #p his ere!tion' pa#sing to
s1#ee6e the head' then slowly ba! down.
=& thin !an'= & panted' wetting my lips. Every part o" me "elt swollen and a!hy' "rom my lips to my
breasts to my !#nt. & wanted to !ome' and & new & wo#ldn3t #ntil he was good and ready.
& wondered what he wo#ld do i" & =a!!identally= let the elasti! slip "rom my "ingers. 5o#ld he tell
me & !o#ldn3t !ome? 5o#ld & be able to !ome' i" he "orbade me? 2r wo#ld some !ra6y part o" my brain
$#st !#t o"" the ability to orgasm based on his disapproval alone? The "a!t that & honestly didn3t now
s!ared me a little bit. 5hi!h in t#rn only aro#sed me more.
+y god' he was right. & was really good at being s#bmissive.
=& want to "eel yo#r p#ssy' the wet grip o" yo# aro#nd my "ingers.= >e too a sh#ddering breath.
=Aro#nd my !o!.=
+y !lit 1#ivered. +y voi!e did' too. =& want that' too. & want yo# to "ill me #p. 5ear me o#t.=
>e gave me a slow' enigmati! smile be"ore saying' =*o it.=
& gasped when the band snapped me' a dire!t strie that !a#ght the hood o" my !litoris and sent
ra6or%sharp sho!s o" pain down my legs.
=That3s one'= 8eil reminded me. =Are yo# wet?=
=*ripping' Sir.= ,od' & wanted to be there with him' to be on my nees in "ront o" him' begging to
s#! his !o!.
=Show me'= he #rged' his hand pi!ing #p speed as & parted mysel" and p#shed two "ingers into my
!#nt. & withdrew them and held #p the eviden!e o" my desire' shining wetly in the bl#e light o" the
!omp#ter s!reen.
=& wish & !o#ld taste yo#. *o it "or me' Sophie. Taste yo#rsel".=
& slipped my "ingers between my lips' s#!ed them !lean with a throaty moan. .Someone told me
on!e that & taste lie pineapple'/ & m#sed alo#d. .& don(t agree./
.8either do &./ >e so#nded almost o""ended at the notion. .&" & wanted pineapple' & wo#ld eat
pineapple. 5hen & eat p#ssy' &(d pre"er it taste lie p#ssy. And yo#rs is "antasti!./
.2h god./ & shivered. .& might $#st !ome "rom the so#nd o" yo#r voi!e./
=0o#(d better not. 8ow' another snap' & thin.=
This time' & !o#ldn3t help my !ry. +y "lesh was on "ire' wanting to be to#!hed' dreading the pain all
the same. And & still had one to go. 8eil swit!hed hands' rea!hing #p to swi"tly #ndo the b#ttons o" his
shirt. =5hen yo# !ome' & want yo# to remember who maes yo# "eel this way. 5ho is that?=
=0o#' Sir'= & gasped. & needed to !ome. & had to. & wo#ld do anything' say anything. =0o# t#rn me
on. 0o# mae me !ome. <#st yo#.=
=2ne more and then &3ll let yo# !ome'= he promised' and his voi!e sated down my nerve endings
lie a !aress. =<#st on!e more.=
& p#lled the elasti! #p again' let it "all' and that was all it too. The pain lan!ed thro#gh me' b#t it
was the to#!h o" the wrapped band that shot me over the pre!ipi!e. +y !len!hing p#ssy made obs!ene
so#nds' my hips li"ting' seeing his body even tho#gh he wasn(t there. +ingled !hills o" pain and
pleas#re warred on my sin' and & !#rled #p "rom the bed' moaning. & new he !o#ld see my !#nt
p#lsing' my pelvis ro!ing against the mattress' my !lit r#by red "rom aro#sal and sho!. & "ell ba! on
the pillows' too e-ha#sted to wipe away the tears o" grate"#l relie" that rolled "rom the !orners o" my
eyes. & wat!hed my !omp#ter s!reen' mesmeri6ed' as 8eil !ame with a groan' !#m ar!ing onto his
stoma!h' rolling down the ba!s o" his "ingers.
& !o#ld barely move. +y !lit and labia throbbed' and when & "elt mysel" there & was hot and swollen'
sharp welts raised in thin lines over my most deli!ate parts. And i" he had ased me to' & wo#ld have
done "ive more. Ten. +aybe it was better that he new my limits and wo#ldn3t p#sh them too "ar.
Clearly' & !o#ldn3t be tr#sted.
J J J J
The ne-t morning' at the o""i!e' & was idly testing o#t beeswa- lipsti!s on the ba! o" my hand
when &ndia st#! her head in.
=0o# g#ys' get o#t here.= Something abo#t her tone set me on immediate alert.
& looed to <essi!a. =5hat3s going on?=
=8o idea.= B#t she was already sliding o"" her stool and heading "or the door.
Everyone was gathered on the main o""i!e "loor. <essi!a and & sl#n to an #no!!#pied se!tion o"
wall. A#dy stood in the !enter o" the room' !asting his #nreadable ga6e on everyone in the vi!inity. =&
hope we3re all here'= he !alled o#t' over the h#shed whispers. =Be!a#se this is a very big
anno#n!ement.=
8eil stood in the main aisle that ran down the middle o" the room. >e wore a slee bla! $a!et over
a gray shirt' the !ollar #nb#ttoned' and he wat!hed as the last stragglers !ame in "rom the stairwell and
side o""i!es. >e waited "or the room to 1#iet "#rther be"ore he addressed #s.
=& want to than yo# all "or a "antasti! iss#e. & am tr#ly impressed at the way yo# all adapted to the
!hanges we(ve made so "ar. &n light o" what yo#(ve a!!omplished so "ar' & have the #tmost !on"iden!e
that yo#(ll handle "#t#re !hanges $#st as well.
.Cn"ort#nately' in one very important aspe!t' "ashion doesn3t seem willing to !hange. +any o" yo#
have been woring !losely with A#dy. 0o# now his pedigree' "rom !ost#ming to r#nway to $o#rnalism.
>e nows' probably better than most in this o""i!e' how di""i!#lt it !an be to brea new gro#nd. So &
tr#st his opinion in this matter' and & hope yo# do' as well./
&t was brie"' b#t & noti!ed a hint o" annoyan!e "li!er a!ross A#dy(s "a!e. Something was happening
there.
8eil !ontin#ed' .As a "ashion instit#tion' Porteras has the opport#nity to "or!e some !hange in an
area where it is de"initely needed. That3s why' "or o#r 4ebr#ary iss#e' and every iss#e therea"ter'
Porteras will not "eat#re any "#r' any leather' any prod#!t that !annot be des!ribed as 3!r#elty%"ree.3 And
we will not "eat#re the wor o" any designer who in!l#des these elements in his or her !olle!tions./
+#rm#rs o" sho! and s#rprise rippled thro#gh the room' and A#dy !leared his throat lo#dly'
waiting "or them to die down eno#gh to say' =+r. Elwood wasn3t "inished speaing.=
The silen!e that "ell was lie the blade o" a g#illotine.
=As & was saying.= 8eil swept the room with his a#thoritative ga6e. =Porteras is going !r#elty%"ree.
&ndivid#al departments will be re!eiving memos detailing spe!i"i! alterations to poli!y' b#t "or the most
part' these will all be !ommon sense. A word o" !a#tion' this is !onsidered privileged in"ormation. 5e
will see no blog posts' no tweets' no anonymo#s tips "rom ind#stry insiders !oming "rom this o""i!e' or
yo# will answer to me personally. &" this news breas be"ore it is o""i!ially anno#n!ed' & will be "or!ed
to review ea!h department individ#ally./
There was a gr#mble o" agreement' as A#dy !on"erred with 8eil 1#ietly. 5hen whatever they were
speaing abo#t had been handled' A#dy !alled o#t' .& need to see <ae 7ir!hner and Aosie Bell' the rest
o" yo# !an get ba! to wor. 5e(ll be in to#!h./
8eil s!anned the room' seeing me o#t' and when o#r eyes met & had to !are"#lly s!hool my
e-pression. & was s#re he(d !a#ght me with my mo#th hanging open in sho!. >e gave me a brie"'
reass#ring smile' then t#rned to spea with a woman "rom the !opy editing des who(d approa!hed him.
& waled ba! to the bea#ty department on n#mb legs.
=This !an3t be happening'= <essi!a said as she "ollowed me thro#gh the door.
&ndia was already there' sl#mped over her des' her head in her hands.
& !o#ldn3t believe it. & mean' & had sort o" seen it !oming' b#t nothing this e-treme. =& didn3t thin he
wo#ld a!t#ally % =
=Sin the maga6ine?= &ndia gave a r#e"#l la#gh. =&t doesn3t matter to him what happens with
Porteras. &t3s po!et !hange to him.=
=B#t all the potential money...= & !o#ldn3t imagine that 8eil didn3t see what a h#ge investment he
was throwing away.
5as this all to please Emma?
& tho#ght ba! to what <ae had said' abo#t 9orteras b#rning #p lie a dying star. & saw that same
desperation in &ndia3s e-pression now.
=&3ll write yo# ladies good re"eren!es'= she promised <essi!a and &. Then she rea!hed below her des
and p#lled #p a bottle. ,ran 9atron 9latin#m. She d#mped her !o""ee !#p into the potted palm behind
her des' po#red a shot' and said' =>ow abo#t a toast?=
That was when it really began to sin in. Porteras had hit the i!eberg' and she was going down.
5hether her !aptain wo#ld a!nowledge it was another problem altogether.
Chapter Seventeen
The new Elwood G Stern helmed Porteras hit stands on the "irst +onday o" *e!ember. The snary
T#mblr posts starting hit the internet that night.
8eil wanted to tae me o#t on 4riday to !elebrate the new iss#e. By the time & le"t wor that
evening' &(d spent "ive long days listening to whispered retellings o" #nhappy emails and terse meetings
behind !losed doors.
& didn3t now i" & sho#ld bring #p my !on!erns with 8eil. 5e had only been seeing ea!h other a
!o#ple months. 5hile we spent more time together than & thin either o" #s had planned initially' things
were still 1#ite !as#al. & wasn3t s#re how m#!h & !o#ld really tal to him abo#t the maga6ine.
2" !o#rse' wor !ame #p o"ten' b#t #s#ally in the !onte-t o" 8eil asing me how & was getting on in
the department. 2n!e' he3d ased me what & tho#ght o" a "eat#re he was !onsidering !#tting' b#t &3d
1#i!ly sh#t him down.
=& don3t want to have that ind o" a!!ess to 8eil' my boss' $#st be!a#se &3m spending time with 8eil'
the g#y &3m having se- with'= &3d e-plained' and he3d agreed that was probably a good idea.
The thing was' as m#!h as & loved 8eil % and & did love him' there was no !han!e o" denying that
now % & was s#pposed to love mysel" more. & owed it to mysel" to prote!t my interests' didn3t &? So' did &
bring #p the !hanges at Porteras' and how badly & e-pe!ted them to go? *espite what &3d told him abo#t
bo#ndaries?
5e never le"t wor in the same !ar' be!a#se we weren3t d#mb. That wo#ld have been the easiest
way to get "o#nd o#t. &nstead' & waited "or him to te-t me that he3d le"t' and "ollowed in a !ab. 5e wo#ld
tae his !ar ba! to his pla!e at the end o" the night. Sin!e o#r "irst sleepover' &3d spent every weeend
with him' b#t we rarely went o#t' opting instead to stay in and eat whatever 8eil !ooed. >e was a great
!oo' b#t & was looing "orward to a real date' even i" it was a dinner with A#dy.
8eil had proposed the idea over the phone earlier in the wee. >e3d e-plained that he3d been
spending so m#!h time with me' he hadn3t had a !han!e to see A#dy o#tside o" wor. Then & "elt ind o"
bad' be!a#se & hadn3t been spending m#!h time with >olli' either.
Then again' she3d been spending a lot o" time with *e$a these days.
+y !ab p#lled #p o#tside the resta#rant' and & got o#t' s#ddenly apprehensive abo#t the way & was
dressed. The pla!e 8eil had s#ggested was a tapas resta#rant' hip !as#al' and & was de"initely dressed "or
wor. & smoothed down my gray pepl#m sirt and ad$#sted the sho#lders o" my !apped%sleeve bla! la!e
blo#se. & hoped & wo#ldn3t sti! o#t lie a sore th#mb in a sea o" minisirts and sleeveless tops o#t to
party.
8eil was waiting "or me at the bar. >e was still wearing the navy bl#e s#it he3d worn to wor' b#t
he3d taen o"" his tie and #nb#ttoned the !ollar o" his white shirt. & envied the way he always looed
totally at ease no matter where he was. >e stood #p and !ame to my side' looping an arm aro#nd my
waist and giving me a 1#i! pe! on the !hee.
>e led me thro#gh the dining room' with a hand at the small o" my ba!. =&3ve been dying to see
yo# darling. & am so glad yo#3re here.=
7arling? 5e were doing endearments now? And he3d said it so easily' witho#t a hint o" sar!asm' or
dis!om"ort a"ter the "a!t.
& wondered i" he reali6ed he3d said it.
A#dy stood #p when we approa!hed' and smiled politely. =>ello' Sophie.=
& noti!ed there were two waters already on the table' and 8eil pered #p at the sight o" the pint glass
o" dar beer beside one. =Ah' they bro#ght o#r drins.=
=& told him to order "or yo#' b#t he wo#ldn3t.= A#dy li"ted an eyebrow. =& "eel lie yo# might be
dragging o#r +r. Elwood into the twenty%"irst !ent#ry.=
=She3s !ivili6ing me'= 8eil said' !h#!ling.
=Better than the last one'= A#dy said o""hand' then' with a glan!e to 8eil' he said' =Sorry.=
Awkward.
=>ow was wor?= 8eil ased' motioning to a passing server.
=2h... we don3t want to tal abo#t wor' do we?= & ased. Be!a#se & wanted to dodge the s#b$e!t as
m#!h as possible. & didn3t want to have to pretend that & wasn3t silently !riti!i6ing every one o" 8eil3s
b#siness !hoi!es.
=8o' we do not'= A#dy stated emphati!ally. =& want to hear more abo#t yo#./
=(ore abo#t me?= & looed to 8eil with a smir.
=0es'= A#dy answered "or him. =>e tals abo#t yo# nonstop' b#t &3d lied to hear it "rom the horse3s
mo#th' so to spea. 8ot that & "ind yo# horsey.=
=& don3t tal abo#t her nonstop.= 8eil looed at me' h#moro#sly de"ensive. =& don3t.=
=5ell' what do yo# want to now?= & ased A#dy' then' to the server who stopped beside the table'
=5ater and whi!hever sweet red yo#r sommelier re!ommends.=
That was my tri! to so#nding sophisti!ated in "ront o" people when really' & $#st !o#ldn3t remember
the names o" most wines.
=& thin it3s wonder"#l that yo# two "o#nd ea!h other again'= A#dy said on!e the waitress had le"t
the table. =5hat have yo# been doing with yo#rsel" this entire time?=
& "illed A#dy in on my ba!gro#ndH 80C' getting the $ob at Porteras' what it had been lie to be
,abriella3s assistant. &t t#rned o#t that A#dy new ,abriella a little' be!a#se they moved in the same
so!ial !ir!les. 5hile & taled' A#dy displayed all the !hara!teristi!s o" a!#te and intense attention. & "elt
lie & was on a $ob interview.
=Bet3s not overwhelm her'= 8eil said with an #n!om"ortable la#gh at one point.
A#dy br#shed him o"" as tho#gh he had a lot o" pra!ti!e ignoring what 8eil said. & have to admit'
that was a 1#ality & "o#nd 1#ite endearingH 8eil !o#ld be pretty overwhelming himsel"' and it was ni!e to
see how other people !oped with it.
B#!ily' the waitress ret#rned and we had to pa#se in my interrogation to order a "ew assorted
plates to share.
=&3m not trying to overwhelm her' &3m $#st trying to get a "eel "or what she3s lie.= A#dy too a
swallow "rom his own pint glass. =Sin!e she3s s#!h a big part o" yo#r li"e lately.=
8eil !leared his throat #n!om"ortably' and & $#mped in to save him. =2ay' so &3m dying to now
how a !ost#me and "ashion designer ends #p being best "riends with a billionaire who "lies !ommer!ial
to pi! #p !hi!s.=
8eil la#ghed' his relie" at the s#b$e!t swit!h palpable. Apparently' he was oay with taling his
"riend3s ears o"" abo#t me' b#t not with me nowing abo#t it. =That3s 1#ite a "#nny story' a!t#ally.=
=5e met thro#gh @alerie. Emma3s mother?= A#dy3s eyes narrowed $#st slightly. >e was trying to
ga#ge my rea!tion to the name.
& hated to disappoint him' b#t & didn3t now @alerie. & "ig#red & sho#ld at least now someone be"ore
& was intimidated by the mention o" her. =2h?=
=A#dy met @alerie when he was doing a semester abroad'= 8eil e-plained. =She o""ered to set him
#p with her brother' Stephen.=
A#dy nodded and la#ghed. =And having never met Stephen' when & arrived at @alerie3s apartment
and "o#nd 8eil there' & $#st ass#med he was my date.=
=& was "lattered' o" !o#rse.= 8eil smiled "ondly at the memory. =& tho#ght he was a bit o#t o" my
leag#e.=
=>e was a good sport abo#t it'= A#dy said with a la#gh.
=And... Stephen?= & ased' looing between the two o" them.
=Stephen is a tragedy best saved "or another time'= A#dy said' and 8eil raised his glass.
=&3ll drin to that.= Then he did' setting his beer down and p#shing ba! "rom the table. =E-!#se me
"or a moment. A#dy' be on yo#r best behavior while &3m gone.=
& sipped my wine #ntil 8eil was o#t o" earshot then "i-ed A#dy with wry ga6e. =2ay. *id & pass?=
=9ass what?= he ased inno!ently.
=The test.=
>e !onsidered a moment. =Cnde!ided. B#t &3m leaning toward yes. &3m sorry to be so !old abo#t it'
b#t 8eil is my best "riend' and he3s made some "oolish !hoi!es in his dating past.=
=Ah' then yo#3ll be relieved to now that we3re not dating.= & smiled !heer"#lly.
=8o' & now. &3ve heard all abo#t yo#r arrangement. 8o%strings%atta!hed se-' right?= >e smiled right
ba!. =B#t & sho#ld warn yo#' 8eil is in!apable o" eeping things !as#al with anyone. And he has a
"or!e"#l personality.=
& pointed to mysel". =Choir. As in' 3yo# are prea!hing to.3=
=>e !an3t help it. >e3s an Aries.= >e la#ghed' the "irst time all night he3d responded witho#t
s#spi!ion to something &3d said. & wo#ld !ra! him yet. >e sighed and too a sip "rom his beer' then said'
=*on3t disappoint him' Sophie. >e doesn(t let people in o"ten. & now he pro$e!ts an air o" #n"lappable
!on"iden!e' b#t he(s v#lnerable. 5ith yo#' he(s more v#lnerable than & s#spe!t yo# now./
& shi"ted in my seat and !leared my throat' "inally withering #nder A#dy(s intense stare. 7amnit.
& wanted to say so m#!hH that & was in love with 8eil' that & wo#ld never nowingly h#rt him. B#t &
was already nowingly h#rting him' by eeping my mo#th sh#t abo#t <ae(s !rypti! statements.
Actions speak louder than words4 )caife' & reminded mysel" with a mental sigh. .0o# were right.
Abo#t <ae 7ir!hner? & thin he(s still woring with ,abriella./
2ne per"e!tly groomed eyebrow rose as A#dy regarded me. .5hat do yo# now?/
.<#st that he thins there(s going to be some big taeover./ & looed over my sho#lder. 8o sign o"
8eil. .& "eel lie & !an(t tal abo#t this st#"" with 8eil. 5e(re trying to eep o#r wor li"e and o#r
personal li"e as separate as possible./
.,ood l#!./ A#dy too a sip o" water. .&(ll loo into the sit#ation with 7ir!hner. Then &(ll bring it
to 8eil' when & now more./
The waitress arrived with the plates o" "ood we wo#ld all share' and moments later' 8eil ret#rned'
as well.
=>as he threatened yo# yet?= he ased with a win as he sat down beside me.
=8o. 5e3re $#st taling.= & beamed at him. & was relieved at having !ir!#mvented the .don(t tal
abo#t b#siness/ problem' b#t & still wasn(t s#re where A#dy stood on the animal !r#elty "ias!o. 5hether
we(d agreed to tal abo#t wor or not' & "elt lie & was going to have to bring that #p to 8eil.
As we ate "rom the tr#ly deli!io#s sampling o" dishes in "ront o" #s' & listened to 8eil and A#dy tal
abo#t m#t#al a!1#aintan!es' stopping "or the o!!asional aside so that & wo#ldn3t be le"t behind in the
!onversation. &t was a bit s#rreal' seeing this part o" 8eil that &3d never seen be"ore. 5e spent most o"
o#r time together alone. @iewing the way he intera!ted with another person in his li"e' someone who
shared a history with him... it reminded me o" how >olli and & were together' able to share whole
memories with $#st a "ew words. 5e stayed s#rprisingly late' drining and taling. A"ter a brie"
arg#ment over the bill that & did not step into % the a"ter dinner !o!tails and the a"ter a"ter dinner
!o!tails had p#n!hed #p a pretty s#bstantial tab % we made o#r way to the sidewal.
=Sophie'= A#dy said' leaning in to iss the air beside my !hee. =&t was a pleas#re.=
=*itto.= & was s#rprised at how m#!h &3d beg#n to lie him. =Cm' did yo# want to !ome ba! to
8eil3s pla!e "or drins?= The words were o#t o" my mo#th be"ore & reali6ed it wasn3t really my !all to
invite him. & looed #n!ertainly to 8eil.
=8o' #m' another time & thin' A#dy?= There wasn3t any awwardness in his retra!tion o" my
invitation.
8or was there in A#dy3s easy a!!eptan!e o" the !onversation. =&t3s very sweet o" yo#' Sophie' b#t &
wo#ldn3t want to intr#de "#rther on yo#r evening. 0o# two have a good weeend.=
>e and 8eil shared an !l#msy' dr#nen man h#g' and then we went to the +ayba!h while A#dy
too eys "rom the valet "or a +aserati ,rant#rismo.
As soon as we were inside the !ar' & apologi6ed. =&3m sorry' that was really not !ool o" me to as
someone ba! to yo#r pla!e.=
=&3m $#st pleased that yo# got along so well.= 8eil said' leaning against the !orner o" the seat and
door. A#bbing the bridge o" his nose between his th#mb and "ore"inger he added' =And &3m glad yo# "eel
so !om"ortable in my home' and with me.=
=>ey' are yo# oay?= & ased' !on!ern !#tting thro#gh my inebriation. =0o# loo s#per tired.=
=& have a bit o" a heada!he. & thin & might need to see the opti!ian./ >e blined and "or!ed a smile.
=Bet me stress' this is only a small heada!he' and not the proverbial 3not tonight3 heada!he.=
=9oor baby.= The red wine with dinner had de"initely gone to my head' as had ro#nd a"ter ro#nd o"
a"ter dinner drins. & slid to my nees on the "lat "loor o" the roomy ba!seat and !limbed over to his
side o" the !ar. & leaned against his slightly spread nees and lay my head in his lap.
=2h' this evening has taen a promising t#rn.= >e la#ghed and stroed my hair away "rom my
"orehead.
=& never get to do this'= & moaned' sitting #p to rea!h "or his "ly. & estimated we3d have abo#t twenty
min#tes between the resta#rant and his apartment in the !#rrent tra""i!' so & didn3t waste any time
#n6ipping him and rea!hing inside.
=0o# !o#ld do it any time' yo# now. &t isn3t by invitation only.=
=+ost o" the time' when we3re having se-' it3s ind o" all abo#t me.= +y t#mmy "l#ttered when &
reali6ed what & was going to tell him ne-t. =5hy don3t we mae tonight abo#t yo#?=
=0o# don3t thin & tae enormo#s pleas#re "rom getting yo# o""?= he sighed !ontentedly as my hand
slipped into his bo-ers to grasp him.
=&3m s#re yo# do.= & p#lled his !o! "ree. >e was hal"%hard and growing beneath my "ingers. =& want
that' tho#gh. & want to get yo# o"". Tonight' yo#r wish is my !ommand. 8othing is o"" the table.=
=2h?= >e grinned lie a delighted s!hoolboy. &t was ridi!#lo#sly !#te. =0o# now my birthday isn3t
#ntil +ar!h' !orre!t?=
& swept my tong#e over my bottom lip and leaned down' br#shing my mo#th a!ross the head o" his
!o!. Then' with deliberate slowness' & li!ed him "rom base to tip with the "lat o" my tong#e. +y eyes
remained lo!ed on his' and my p#lse sped #p wildly. >is did' too' & !o#ld "eel it as & p#mped my "ist
along his length. & "l#ttered my tong#e against the #nderside o" the head' along the seam between his
glans and retra!ted "oresin' delighting in his s#dden intae o" breath.
=>appy birthday to me anyway' & s#ppose'= he groaned' dropping his head ba!.
Still stroing him with my "ist' & rolled my lips over my teeth and too as m#!h into my mo#th as &
!o#ld. & swirled my tong#e aro#nd him' bobbing my head slowly' letting saliva r#n between my lips'
!oating him. & wasn3t in a h#rry. & wanted to savor this all night.
The tr#th was' & had been "eeling a little... negle!t"#l. A"ter all' in most o" the se-#al relationships
&3d had' a blow $ob had been one o" the "irst a!tivities we3d engaged in. &3d been sleeping with 8eil "or
two months' and &3d done it twi!e. & don3t thin &3d ever been on more than two dates with a g#y be"ore
he was at least dropping mild hints "or one.
8eil !o#ld have =ordered= me to do it at any time d#ring o#r *Ss se- games' and he hadn3t. Sin!e it
didn3t "eel lie an obligation' & "o#nd mysel" "i-ated on his pleas#re not o#t o" a desire to impress him'
b#t a bone%deep need to mae him "eel good. & paid !lose attention to his body and his responses as &
s#!ed' li!ed' and stroed. >is hand in my hair' !onspi!#o#sly never e-erting too m#!h press#re. >is
other hand on his nee' "ingers !len!hing and #n!len!hing in rhythm with his sped%#p breathing. &
p#shed my head down' "le-ed the ba! o" my throat against the head o" him' and his hips $ered #pward.
=Sorry'= he gasped as & gagged slightly. & li"ted my head "or $#st a se!ond' to reass#re him. =8o
worries.= Then & "or!ed mysel" to rela- and too him in' all the way. & have ind o" a se!ret talent where
!o! in my mo#th is !on!erned. =4#! me' that3s in!redible'= he moaned' and & was so' so grate"#l "or all
the pra!ti!e &3d gotten on popsi!les at s#mmer !amp.
,ranted' he was a lot wider than a popsi!le' so tong#e a!tion was signi"i!antly hampered. & !o#ldn3t
do m#!h more than slide my mo#th #p and down him' b#t he seemed to appre!iate it. &t taes an
enormo#s amo#nt o" !on!entration to not gag while deep throating in the position & was in' so & !o#ldn3t
eep it #p "or long. & didn3t need to' anyway. >e grasped my !hin and gently #rged my head #p.
=,et #p here'= he ordered' patting his thighs' and & eagerly !limbed into his lap' straddling him in
the roomy seat. >e p#shed his hand between my thighs' #nder my sirt' and groaned when he
en!o#ntered the wet !rot!h o" my panties. >e p#shed the s!rap o" satin aside and pl#nged two "ingers
into me.
=That3s what s#!ing yo#r !o! did to me'= & whispered in his ear' my breath !at!hing as he slowly
p#mped those wi!ed "ingers. =That3s how m#!h it t#rns me on.=
The "ingers o" his other hand d#g into my ba!side thro#gh my b#n!hed #p sirt' and & issed him'
gasping against his mo#th' .*o yo# have a !ondom?/
>e rea!hed over to the !enter !onsole' popped it open with the side o" his "ist and rea!hed in'
!oming o#t with one bla! plasti! pa!et.
.That(s some impressive roadside assistan!e there'/ & giggled' leaning ba! so he !o#ld sheath
himsel" with a bit o" #n!hara!teristi! "#mbling. >e t#gged my panties "#rther to the side' the tip o" his
!o! "o#nd my opening' and with one hard #pward thr#st' he "illed me !ompletely. & gripped the lapels
o" his $a!et and leaned ba!' lost in the di66ying sensation o" being so intimately $oined while still "#lly
!lothed. &n the ba! o" a !ar in +anhattan tra""i!' no less.
!oly shit4 is this really my life,
>e rea!hed #p and popped the b#ttons on my blo#se' then $ered down my bra and "astened his lips
aro#nd one nipple. & rolled my hips lang#idly' wishing "or more leverage' more "ri!tion' b#t while the
+ayba!h was roomy' !ar se- positioning was still awward. Espe!ially with a somewhat tight sirt
riding #p my thighs.
=+r. Elwood?= the voi!e o" Tony' the driver' ased over the inter!om. =5e3ve arrived.=
8eil leaned "orward and hit the b#tton to spea. >e so#nded remarably !omposed' mid%!oit#s.
=*rive #s aro#nd the blo! on!e' wo#ld yo#?=
=S#re thing' sir.=
& gro#nd against 8eil' !len!hed my p#ssy all aro#nd him. =<#st on!e aro#nd the blo!?=
=2n!e aro#nd the blo! so yo# !an b#tton yo#r shirt'= he said' nipping at my bottom lip. =So we !an
head #pstairs and & !an "#! yo# silly on the most immediately available hori6ontal s#r"a!e.=
=>ori6ontal?= & teased. =5here is yo#r imagination?=
& moved to !limb o"" him' and he stopped me. =0o# !an b#tton #p while &3m still in yo#' s#rely?
Bet3s not waste the drive.=
& blew a strand o" hair o#t o" my "a!e and rolled my eyes at him. =0o#3re a real pervert' yo# now
that?=
>e b#ried his "a!e in my tits and groaned a m#""led' =& now' darling. A total deviant.=
There was that =darling= again. 5here the "#! was that !oming "rom?
& p#shed his head #p and started hastily b#ttoning my shirt. =0o# !o#ld at least mae me !ome
be"ore we get aro#nd the blo!'= & !hallenged. =&3ve been a good girl' haven3t &?=
=0o#3ve been a very good girl'= he agreed' his "ingers sating a!ross my !hest be"ore & !losed the
"inal b#tton. >e p#shed my sirt #p "#rther' b#t the slim "it made it di""i!#lt. >e had to p#sh his hand
between my thighs at an awward angle to rea!h me.
=>ow abo#t we mae a bet. &" yo# !an mae me !ome be"ore we get aro#nd the blo!...= & pa#sed to
tae a sharp breath as his "ingers "o#nd my !lit at the same time he pressed his hips #p. =0o# !an p#t it
anywhere yo# want.=
A sho!ed smile !#rved his mo#th. =,od' b#t yo# are a na#ghty thing' aren3t yo#?=
& leaned down to iss him as the !ar made the "irst !orner. 5hile one hand was o!!#pied between
my thighs' the other en!ir!led my waist' holding me still as & tried to s1#irm on his !o!.
=&sn3t that !heating' i" yo# help me?= he m#rm#red. =0o# now' it3s almost too easy' yo#3re not
"ighting at all.=
=5hy wo#ld & "ight an orgasm?= The position we were in "or!ed his !o! tight against my g%spot.
Every slow !ir!le o" his "ingers over my !lit made my entire world narrow to the "eeling in my groin. A
shiver ra!ed #p my spine.
The !ar braed' ro!ing me' and & moaned. >e p#mped against me slowly' grinding deeper b#t
never really moving. The hand at my waist slipped down to my ass' #rging me #p. +y nees d#g into
the seat on either side o" him as & grate"#lly li"ted mysel"' rising #ntil only the head o" him remained
inside me. & too a breath' ready to drop my hips and tae him all the way in' b#t he !l#!ed his tong#e.
=8o' no'= he admonished. =Stay right there. 2r maybe...= >e shi"ted $#st a bit' and a sh#ddering !ry
tore "rom my throat as he r#bbed deli!io#sly' barely inside o" me. >e grinned. =There we go.=
The !ar too the se!ond !orner. & was panting' ro!ing my !#nt ba! and "orth aro#nd him. The
broad tip o" his !o! stret!hed the s#per sensitive opening o" my vagina' his "ingers sped #p' in!reased
press#re. & held on to the ba! o" the seat' my breath b#rsting in ridi!#lo#s little mewls & wo#ldn3t have
believed i" & heard them !oming "rom anybody else' they were so porny. =&3m !omingD= & gasped' in total
disbelie" at the sheer pleas#re that sho!ed thro#gh me. >e thr#st #pward' "illing me !ompletely as my
p#ssy spasmed aro#nd him.
=*id & win the bet' then?= he ased' p#lling my hips down' hard.
=4#!D= & slammed my palm against his sho#lder. +y head was swimming' my sin !overed in
gooseb#mps. >e ept grinding into me' ept to#!hing me' wringing every last se!ond o" pleas#re o#t o"
my orgasm #ntil & sobbed' =8o moreD= against his ne!. The !ar made another t#rn' and & reali6ed & had
stopped paying attention at some point.
=5e3re here'= 8eil said' rea!hing #p to br#sh my hair ba! "rom my "a!e.
& "elt as tired as i" & had "allen asleep on a long !ar trip. +y legs were shaing. +y thighs were
sti!y. 8eil li"ted me o"" his lap and t#!ed his ere!tion into his pants with some di""i!#lty.
4or my part' & 1#i!ly smoothed my sirt down' even tho#gh the m#s!les o" my thighs were
$#mping and my nees wobbled as & raised my b#tt #p to wriggle the "abri! down. =>ow are we aro#nd
the blo! already?/
=0o# were distra!ted.= >e 6ipped his "ly and hit the inter!om b#tton. =Than yo#' Tony' we3re
ready to go #p now.=
The driver opened my door and & slid o#t. & !o#ldn3t mae eye !onta!t with him. & was positive 8eil
had "#!ed women in the ba! o" the !ar be"ore % be!a#se who wo#ldn3t i" they had a !ha#""e#r? % b#t all
the vehi!#lar shenanigans & had engaged in d#ring my li"etime had been way more private.
=,ood night' Tony'= 8eil said' b#ttoning his $a!et with one hand as he waled aro#nd the ba! o"
the !ar.
& noted the speed with whi!h he #shered me thro#gh the lobby and into the elevator. 5e weren3t in
the "oyer o" his apartment be"ore his hands were on me again' and when we did get inside' he didn3t
bother to t#rn on the lights.
=,et on yo#r hands and nees'= he ordered me' and & nelt on the !old marble. A thrill o" trepidation
went thro#gh me. 5as he really going to do this here? 8o l#be' no warm #p? & slightly regretted my
o""er o" =anywhere.=
5hen he eased into my p#ssy again' & breathed a sigh o" relie".
=Aeally' Sophie'= he admonished. =0o# didn3t thin & wo#ld mae yo# do that' witho#t any
preparation?=
>e rea!hed beneath me and ripped my blo#se open. A!t#ally ripped it. +y !#nt s1#ee6ed on him'
hard.
=0o# did it be"ore'= & reminded him. Then' in a breathy' p#t%on voi!e' & repeated the words &3d
begged him with years be"ore. =39lease? 0o# said anything & wanted. &3ve never done it be"ore. 0o#
!o#ld be the "irst.3=
>e grasped my hips in his big hands' then one th#mb slid between my !hees. =,od' b#t yo# were a
po#ty' demanding thing ba! then.=
The tip o" his th#mb p#shed into my hole' and hot and !old shivers ra!ed over my sin. =5e will do
it again' tho#gh' won3t we?=
=Absol#tely. B#t not witho#t pra!ti!e.= >e !h#!led so"tly and slowly withdrew "rom my p#ssy'
in!h by a!hing in!h. =0o# were so in!redibly tight ba! then' & thin yo# a!t#ally br#ised my !o!.=
A sho!ed la#gh es!aped me' and was 1#i!ly over!ome by a moan as he thr#st into me again.
=That3s eno#gh tal. 4#! me.=
>e did. >oly hell' did he ever. >e withdrew his th#mb and slapped my ass' hard. >e rea!hed
beneath me' gripped the "ront o" my bra' and $ered it down. 2ne o" the straps broe' b#t & didn3t !are. &
new he was good "or a repla!ement. >e shoved my sirt #p "#rther' and po#nded into me #ntil & was
s!reaming' wailing' thrashing on his !o! in some serio#s inde!ision as to whether this was pleas#rable'
or agoni6ing. 5hen & !ame' it wasn3t a pea!e"#lly breaing wave' b#t an #rgent' ele!tri!al !#rrent that
sei6ed my limbs and sapped my entire body o" strength. & !ollapsed on the "loor' sh#ddering at the !old
marble on my bare !hest. >e "ollowed me down' "or!ing himsel" into my invol#ntarily resisting body'
growling in relie".
&t was probably the only time &3d ever been "#!ed beyond my !apa!ity to spea or "#n!tion. >e
helped me to my "eet and g#ided me on my shaing legs to the bedroom. >e t#rned the lights on' very
low' and helped me o#t o" my !lothes' be!a#se & was st#mbling and !l#msy trying to do it on my own.
Then he le"t me "or a moment to go into the bathroom' and & !ollapsed in the bed' not really meaning to
"all asleep' b#t #nable to stop mysel"' all the same.
& don3t now how long & slept' b#t when & woe' the room was dar and 8eil was lying beside me'
snoring so"tly. & smiled to mysel" and rolled over to sn#ggle him.
&n his sleep' 8eil wrapped an arm aro#nd me and shi"ted his body against mine. 2ne "oot !rept
between mine' hooing aro#nd my anle.
+y heart a!hed. & loved him. & loved him way more than & sho#ld have. And & was pretty s#re he
loved me' too. 5e hadn3t said it yet' and that was ni!eH & didn3t thin & !o#ld handle an =& love yo#'=
when =darling'= had thrown me "or a pretty signi"i!ant loop.
B#t that bro#ght a whole other level o" an-iety. >e hadn3t said he loved me' and we weren3t e-a!tly
dating' no matter how m#!h time we were spending together. & had meant to tal to him abo#t Porteras
tonight' abo#t the l#ewarm re!eption his !hanges had been re!eiving. &nstead' &3d $#st gotten "#!nesia
and "orgotten abo#t the whole thing. 5as that "or the better? &" & told him abo#t my !on!erns with the
maga6ine' wo#ld he thin & was being too p#shy? 5o#ld he end things with me i" & spoe #p? &t seemed
lie a long shot that he might' b#t & was almost #nwilling to tae the !han!e.
That strengthened my resolve. There was no reason & sho#ld hold my tong#e and not tell 8eil
something & "elt he needed to now' $#st be!a#se & was a"raid o" his disapproval. &" he did love me' then
he wo#ld val#e my independent tho#ght' right? And i" he didn3t' wo#ld & really want to be with him?
5ell' even i" & did' & sho#ldn3t. & de!ided &3d mention my !on!erns over brea"ast.
J J J J
=3Cs#ally' Porteras is as thi! as a Bible'3= & read alo#d the ne-t morning' leaning over the it!hen
island while 8eil whised eggs in a !erami! bowl. >e3d started !ooing brea"ast "or #s on mornings
a"ter &3d slept over. &t had be!ome a pleasant little ro#tine. E-!ept "or maybe this morning. =3B#t the
staggering vol#me o" advertising has been notably trimmed. &s this the de!ision o" Elwood and Stern'
Porteras3s new parent !ompany' or a line in the sand drawn by designers loyal to the toppled de facto
"ashion r#ler' ,abriella 5inters?3=
=5e3ve made some !hanges' and people are wel!ome to respond to them'= 8eil said mildly' po#ring
the thoro#ghly beaten eggs into a hot "rying pan on the stove. >e was wearing a t%shirt and sweats' the
way he #s#ally did in the morning' and the it!hen towel thrown !as#ally over his sho#lder made the
ensemble oddly se-y.
=0eah' b#t this isn3t people' this is an editorial in the 1ew York Times'= & pointed o#t' as gently as
possible.
=The digital edition'= he nodded to my i9ad. =>and me the peppers?=
& p#t my i9ad down and rea!hed "or the shallow dish with !hopped green bell peppers in it. =*on3t
yo# thin maybe too many !hanges' too 1#i!ly... &t3s not going to inspire !on"iden!e in readers who
ind o" worshipped ,abriella. And what(s going to happen in <an#ary' with the new ban on all designers
who #se animal prod#!ts? & thin yo#(re limiting a lot o" !hoi!es on behal" o" the readers. That3s all &3m
saying.=
=& don3t want to tal abo#t wor' Sophie. This is the rare o!!asion where & don3t have to thin abo#t
the damned maga6ine at all.= >e was de"initely irritated with me. & wasn(t #sed to that' and & really
didn(t lie the si! "eeling in my g#t that res#lted.
B#t this was important to me' and & had made a promise to mysel" that & wasn(t going to ba! down
$#st to eep him happy. =That damned maga6ine is my $ob' 8eil. +y only $ob. & thin & have a right to be
!on!erned abo#t it.=
>e t#rned' whipping the towel "rom his sho#lder to drop it on the !o#nter. =*o yo# really thin the
maga6ine is going to "ail over one bad iss#e? There are growing pains every time a !ompany !hanges
handsH it3s the nat#re o" p#blishing.=
=&t3s not going to be $#st one bad iss#e'= & arg#ed. =,oing entirely !r#elty "ree severely limits the
maga6ine3s ability to sell ad spa!e' or to get designers to s#pport #s.=
=And that doesn3t really matter at all' does it? Be!a#se in the end' Porteras is the most important
"ashion maga6ine in Ameri!a. &n the world. &" we de!ide no... orange' "or e-ample' then orange "alls o#t
o" "avor'= he e-plained distra!tedly' t#rning ba! to "lip the omelet.
=B#t yo# don3t $#st say' 3no orange.3 0o# "eat#re the designers who aren3t #sing orange in their
!olle!tion.= >ow !o#ld he not get this? =&" yo# say' 3no "#r' no leather' no animal testing'3 yo#3re r#ling
o#t s#!h a h#ge !h#n o" advertisers and designers. 0o#3re basi!ally telling some o" the biggest' most
important !ompanies in the world that they3re not wel!ome at Porteras anymore.=
=And they aren3t. 8ew designers and !osmeti!s !ompanies will step in to "ill their pla!es. This !o#ld
be a revol#tion. A wel!ome one' & thin.=
& tried a di""erent ta!ti!. =5hat does A#dy thin?=
>is non%answer told me everything & needed to now. The pan !lattered onto the !old ba! b#rner.
=A#dy is a geni#s when it !omes to "ashion' no one wo#ld arg#e otherwise. B#t he doesn3t now the "irst
thing abo#t p#blishing.=
=So' he thins it3s insane' too?= & shoo my head. =*o yo# listen to anyone? 2r do yo# $#st pay them
h#ge amo#nts o" money and then ignore their opinions?=
8eil pi!ed #p a stal o" green onion and slapped it on the !#tting board in e-asperation. =This isn3t
a !onversation &3m willing to have with yo#' Sophie.=
=5hy? Be!a#se &3m $#st a lowly bea#ty editor?= & snapped.
=Assistant bea#ty editor'= he reminded me tersely as he !hopped the onion.
5h no4 he did not.
=4ine.= & t#rned to stal away. The hell & was going to tae that "rom him. Behind me' he swore
#nder his breath. & heard the ni"e !latter to the !o#ntertop. >e !a#ght #p with me and p#t himsel"
between me and the door. & hate when people do that. &" & weren3t so "#!ing rational' & wo#ld have $#st
no!ed him down. *amn my logi!al !alm.
>e p#t one hand on my sho#lder to stop me' and he was !a#tio#sly gentle as he did it. =Are yo#
really going to storm o#t o" here $#st be!a#se we got into a silly little arg#ment?=
=0esD= & shr#gged o"" his arm. =And it3s not silly. This is my $obD This is my !areer. & have to be
able to s#pport mysel"' and & !an3t do that i" the maga6ine goes down in "lames be!a#se yo# wo#ldn3t
listen to anyone.=
=& listen to people'= he arg#ed' and when he gest#red with his hands' droplets o" red splashed a!ross
the "ront o" his t%shirt. =& listen to % =
=0o#3re bleedingD= & was immediately grate"#l "or the la! o" omelet in my stoma!h. & !o#ld not
handle blood. 8ot mine' not someone else3s. The very sight o" it "reaed me o#t.
=5hat?= he "rowned at me' e-asperated "#rther at my interr#ption. Then he spotted the blood
r#nning down him arm. =& barely ni!ed mysel".=
=Are yo# arg#ing with yo#rsel" "or bleeding? Aeally?= & ra!ed "or the !o#nter and grabbed the
towel. =0o# !an be so "#!ing obno-io#s.=
=5ill yo# stop sniping and help me?=
=2ay' hang on.= & swallowed my s1#eamish "ear and rea!hed "or his hand. =& swear to god' i" yo#
get even a drop o" blood on me' &3m going to p#e.=
=>ere.= >e snat!hed the towel and wrapped it aro#nd his hand. =& !o#ld have sworn & $#st barely
ni!ed mysel".=
& s#ddenly "elt lightheaded. The room bla!ed o#t aro#nd the edges' and everything in the !enter
got "#66y. +y stoma!h g#rgled' and & tasted bile at the ba! o" my throat. =5hoa. & really don3t "eel
good.=
The plan was to stagger to the island and throw #p in the bar sin' b#t & ended #p $#st sitting on the
"loor and leaning my ba! against the !ooler door with my eyes sh#t. 8eil h#rried over' as i" he wo#ld
try and !at!h me' b#t & waived him o"". =Serio#sly' i" yo# get blood on me % = & "elt a di!ey b#rp well #p
in my throat' and & t#rned my head.
=0o# really are going to be si!' aren3t yo#? 2ver a little bit o" blood?= 8ow he la#ghed so"tly' and
& wasn3t impressed.
=&3m sorry' & thin blood sho#ld stay inside o" a person'= & snapped. =Besides' now that yo#3re not
dying' &3m mad at yo# again.=
=& very well !o#ld be dying'= he arg#ed. =This thing is g#shing' & hope & don3t need stit!hes.=
& made an only%slightly e-aggerated ret!hing noise.
=Sorry.= >e laid his non%bloody hand on my nee. =& hate that the de!isions &3m maing at wor are
tro#bling yo#. & hope yo# now that i" anything ever did happen' & wo#ld "ind a way to mae it #p to
yo#.=
& tho#ght o" the =G Stern= part o" his !ompany3s name' and the gossip <ae had passed along in the
!ar. & didn3t lie the idea o" a similar arrangement. =B#t that3s not what & want. 0o#3re not obligated to
mae s#re & s#!!eed in li"e $#st be!a#se we had se-.=
=& didn3t thin & was'= he said' a little de"ensively. =B#t & wo#ldn3t let someone & !are abo#t s#""er
"rom my mistaes. There3s s#!h a thing as being too independent' yo# now. & didn3t get where & am
entirely on my own steam. Every s#!!ess"#l person & now had help somewhere along the way./
& didn3t respond. & !o#ldn3t thin o" anything to say. And it was remarably di""i!#lt to not admire
him a little "or admitting that' whi!h wasn3t terribly help"#l when & wanted to stay angry.
=8othing is going to happen to Porteras'= he said "irmly. =B#t i" it did' & wo#ld help yo# "ind
another $ob.=
=And & wo#ldn3t be able to tae a hand #p "rom yo#. &t wo#ldn3t "eel right.= & shoo my head. =&
don3t want people to thin &3m with yo# be!a#se o" who yo# are' or the money yo# have. And & don3t
want anyone thining that any meas#re o" s#!!ess & might ever have is be!a#se & slept with yo#. & want
to get by on my own merit' oay?=
=& now.= >e smiled rel#!tantly. =&t3s a very admirable 1#ality.=
=Then why arg#e with me? & mean' & s#ppose & !an #nderstand yo# not wanting to tal abo#t
b#siness with me. A"ter all' &3m sitting here saying' 3no spe!ial treatment be!a#se &3m "#!ing yo#'3 b#t
&3m wanting yo# to listen to me abo#t how to r#n the !ompany. & g#ess that3s not terribly "air.= ,od' &
hated when my own parameters "or something !ame ba! to bite me. & had to pi!' one way or the other'
and & reali6ed & wanted 8eil to respe!t this bo#ndary more than & wanted to try and give him my tae on
how Porteras sho#ld be r#n. =B#t & don3t want anything "rom yo#. & $#st want yo#.=
=& now. And it(s rare that someone !omes into my li"e solely #nder that pretense.= >e looped his
#nin$#red arm aro#nd my sho#lders' gave me a tight s1#ee6e' and issed my "orehead. =& s#ppose that3s
why & love yo# so m#!h.=
Chapter Eighteen
>ave yo# ever seen a nat#re do!#mentary where a li6ard will stand near something similarly
!olored and "ree6e o#t o" p#re "ight%or%"light instin!t? That3s how 8eil looed abo#t hal" a se!ond a"ter
he said he loved me.
& had the strangest tho#ght that this might be the moment everything "ell apart between #s. That he
hadn3t meant to say it % oay' he obviously hadn3t meant to say it % and now he !o#ldn3t "ig#re o#t how to
tae it ba!' so he wo#ld be horri"ied and !all everything o"".
Be"ore he !o#ld thin too m#!h abo#t it' & ased' =*o yo#?=
=&' #m.= >e looed pretty green aro#nd the gills' lie & had a "ew moments be"ore' &(m s#re. =5hat &
meant to say...= >e wet his lips' made a sort o" pained grima!e' la#ghed' and pin!hed the bridge o" his
nose between his th#mb and "ore"inger as tho#gh he3d $#st gotten the world3s worst heada!he. =& had
planned to say that in a m#!h di""erent way. 5hen & wasn3t bleeding thro#gh a it!hen towel' "or one.=
& too his hand and slowly #nwrapped it' steeling mysel" against the na#sea that gripped me. The
bleeding had "inally slowed' tho#gh the !loth was alarmingly sat#rated. =Boo. &t3s not even that bad.
<#st a little s!rat!h.=
=2h?= >is voi!e !ra!ed lie a teenager3s. &t was ind o" adorable. =,ood god' here & tho#ght &3d
severed an artery.=
& gently !losed his "ingers and pressed the towel ba! into pla!e' trying hard to ignore how "reaed
o#t & was by all the blood. =& love yo#' too.=
>e looed over at me with a "leeting smile. =&3m relieved. & didn3t say it be!a#se & e-pe!ted anything
"rom yo#. & new what yo# wanted "rom this relationship "rom the very beginning' and &3m not trying to
p#sh % =
=& now' &...= 5asn3t telling someone yo# loved them s#pposed to "eel good? This "elt lie getting
p#n!hed in the !hest.
>e st#died my "a!e' waiting "or something. & !o#ld see the longing "or reass#ran!e in his eyes' and &
hated mysel" that & !o#ldn3t give him what he needed.
=& m#st admit' & was hoping that some day' not today' o" !o#rse' b#t some day & wo#ld tell yo# that &
loved yo#' and yo# wo#ld... respond di""erently.= >e tried to la#gh. &t was a miserable try. >e stood and
went to the sin' dropping the bloody towel into it and rinsing his hands.
=& !an3t help how & responded' sorry.= ,od' now & "elt lie an asshole. =&3m a"raid.=
=5hat are yo# a"raid o"?=
=&" we3re in love... doesn3t that !hange everything we have?= & really wished we !o#ld go ba! to ten
min#tes ago' even tho#gh we had been "ighting. At least then & new where we stood with ea!h other. &
got to my "eet' b#t & ept my distan!e. =*oesn3t that mean we have to start spending all o#r e-tra time
together and wat!h the same shows together and !oordinate o#r s!hed#les? Christ' & don3t now' wo#ld &
have to have holiday dinners with yo# and yo#r da#ghter? 5o#ld & have to tell my mom abo#t yo#?
She(s seven years yo#nger than yo#. She is not going to tae this wellD This was all so m#!h easier when
it was $#st abo#t the se- % =
>e had slowly approa!hed me as & ranted' and now his iss !#t me o"" mid%senten!e' whi!h & wo#ld
have normally been "#rio#s abo#t. &t helped at the time' tho#ghH & had "elt mysel" emotionally es!alating
with every word that !ame o#t o" my mo#th. 5ith his lips on mine' his hand in my hair' & "elt
!onsiderably !almer.
8eil li"ted his head. =8othing has to !hange' Sophie. & love yo#. &" this is "inally happening' i" we3re
"inally going to be together' &3ll tae it. Even i" it means yo# don3t spend yo#r holidays with me or
introd#!e me to yo#r "amily. &" yo# never even want to eep so m#!h as a toothbr#sh here.= >e issed
my "orehead' and p#lled me into his arms.
=&3m arg#ing with yo# abo#t being in love with yo#'/ & m#ttered' "eeling "oolish. .& was trying not to
bring love into this. & didn3t want to !ompli!ate things.=
=5ell' &3m sorry &3m so damn lovable.= >e tilted my !hin #p to smile down at me' then he issed me.
>is #ndamaged hand !#pped my $aw' his nose br#shed against mine. &t was the so"test' most romanti!
iss &3d ever had in my entire li"e. And that not in my !hest !ame !ompletely #ntied. & was in love with
someone' and he loved me ba!' and nothing bad had happened. The world hadn(t ended.
& was so relievedH & almost "ailed to noti!e what he3d a!t#ally said a moment be"ore. & p#lled ba!'
"rowning mildly #p at him. =Cm. 4inally?=
>e did the prey animal "ree6e thing again.
=>ow long have yo# been in love with me?= A thrill o" trepidation !#rled thro#gh me. & ordered it
away.
=Si- years.= Absol#tely no hesitation on his part. >is arms still en!ir!led my waist. =& "ell in love
with yo# that night in B.A.=
That "reaed me o#t' b#t way less that it probably sho#ld have. =Are yo# idding?=
=8o. 8ot at all.= >e pa#sed' his e-pression pained. =& !o#ld tell yo# the e-a!t moment' it3s that "resh
in my memory.=
& didn3t say anything. & wasn3t s#re there was anything to say.
So' he told me' anyway. Booing into my eyes' his own "#ll o" raw emotion' he told me the e-a!t
moment he3d "allen in love with me.
=5e were in the bar at the airport. And yo# shrieed in total o#trage be!a#se & didn(t lie 5illiam
4a#lner(s writing./
+y mo#th "ell open. .8eilT that was lie ten min#tes a"ter we met./
=& now. And &(m aware that it so#nds !ra6y. Better than love at "irst sight' yo# m#st admit./ >e
said the rest in a r#sh' as tho#gh he were trying to tal over the "a!t that he(d $#st admitted to loving me
"or si- years when he hadn(t even nown me "or a "#ll day at the time. .0o# didn(t hide a !ontrary
opinion to impress me. 0o# were so yo#ngT &t ama6es me now that & now $#st how yo#ng' and yet
yo# were so sel"%!on"ident. >ere yo# were' a $o#rnalist % well' yo# let me thin yo# were a $o#rnalist %
and yo# tho#ght & wored "or a maga6ine' b#t yo# didn(t iss my ass or try to networ.
.And yo# were #tterly "earless. 0o# were "lying to a "oreign !o#ntry "or the "irst time in yo#r li"e'
to a pla!e where yo# didn3t spea the lang#age and yo# didn3t now a so#l. And yo# didn3t even have
money "or a hotel room. B#t yo# weren(t worried abo#t that. 0o# were more interested in de"ending
4a#lner. & new then that yo# were the per"e!t woman "or me.= >e smiled sadly. =And that & had met
yo# too early in yo#r li"e to do either o" #s a bit o" good. & wrestled with the idea o" !ontin#ing a
relationship with yo# in Toyo' b#t & was a"raid. & tho#ght & wo#ld r#in yo#' try to mold yo# into what &
tho#ght yo# sho#ld be. So & tried to let yo# go and move on. And &3ve been maing a ridi!#lo#s mess o"
my li"e ever sin!e.=
& didn3t now what to say. 8eil was really' a!t#ally' not%"#!ing%aro#nd in love with me.
Apparently' he had been "or some time. &t was my t#rn to go all li6ard%in%the%desert.
=& sho#ldn3t have told yo#'= he said' his e-pression "alling.
=8o.= & shoo my head and smiled. =8o' &3m so glad yo# did.=
>e issed me again' his lips warm and so"t' and & melted against him. >e loved me. 8eil Elwood
and & were in love.
And & was still pretty pissed o"" at him.
=0o# sho#ldn3t have said that' yo# now.= & p#shed my hair ba! "rom my "orehead as & leaned
away. =Abo#t my $ob. Being %ust an assistant editor. That was a !heap shot.=
=& now. & meant it to be. &3m not pro#d o" that.= >e looed at me with s#!h earnest sin!erity my
heart a!hed. =& really am sorry.=
=& won3t hold a gr#dge against yo# "orever. <#st maybe lie' "orty more min#tes.= & gest#red at the
!o#nter. =0o# !an mae it #p to me by "inishing brea"ast. And not bleeding on it.=
5e ate at the island' be!a#se there was more room "or o#r gadgets. That so#nds demented and sad'
b#t 8eil lied to read the paper on his i9ad' and & lied to mae my morning per#sal o" The !uffington
Post on my phone' so it was ni!e to share the !om"ortable silen!e while we ate. & got #p to get more
!o""ee' and on imp#lse & stepped over and re"illed 8eil3s m#g' too. 5hen & sat ba! down' he !as#ally
too my hand and s1#ee6ed it' witho#t looing #p.
Sometimes' the simplest things !an tae yo#r breath away.
& p#lled my hand ba! and stood' stret!hing with a lo#d groan. =& thin &3m going to go tae a
shower. *o we have anything on the agenda today?=
=8othing at all. &" yo# want to go o#t' & wo#ldn3t be adverse to a $og thro#gh the par' maybe one
last time be"ore the snow really hits. B#t i" yo# want to stay in' &3ll serve my senten!e on the ellipti!al.=
8eil was pretty !are"#l abo#t e-er!ising' whi!h was awesome' be!a#se it meant he didn3t en!o#rage me
to sla! o"" on the weeends' either. &3d gone r#nning with him a !o#ple o" times' and then we3d !ome
ba! to the apartment all sweaty and e-ha#sted to t#mble straight into shower se-. B#t this morning' &
$#st wasn3t "eeling the #rge to hit the !risp winter air.
=&" yo# don3t mind' &3d rather not. &3m s#per tired. And my nees are illing me. &t(s lie some
perverted billionaire "#!ed me on a hard marble "loor last night or something.= & stood beside him and
leaned my head on his sho#lder as he "lipped a page on the s!reen o" his i9ad.
=&" it(s any !onsolation' &(m s#re his nees s#""ered' too./ >e p#lled my hand to his lips and gave it
a 1#i! smoo!h. =,o on' get !lean.=
So' my batht#b at home is great' b#t spoiled as & was when it !ame to getting wet and soapy' & had
to admit that 8eil3s master bath was pretty impressive. &t was a!!essible only "rom his drool%worthy
!loset' maing it this private little oasis !#t o"" "rom the rest o" the ho#se. &n addition to dar wood
!abinetry and rela-ing golden light "rom glass "i-t#res' there were more o" those marvelo#s "loor%level
"or!ed air d#!ts warming the nat#ral stone tile. The toilet was in its own little room' beside the his%and%
hers vessel sins o" brown stone. The shelves on one side o" the !o#nter were bare' waiting "or the day &
wo#ld be !om"ortable leaving something there.
& opened a !#pboard and p#lled o#t a "ew "l#""y white towels. Another really great thing abo#t 8eil
was that at his ho#se' & !o#ld #se as many towels as & wanted' and & didn(t pay "or it on la#ndry day.
Staying with him was a bit lie staying at a hotel in that respe!t. & giggled to mysel" as & rea!hed thro#gh
the shower door to t#rn on the taps. The shower was a spa!io#s !#be with !orners o" mat!hing nat#ral
stone and three glass sides. There was an ama6ing s1#are shower head in the !eiling that was lie
standing in the rain' as well as a gleaming metal deta!hable head and the standard wall%mo#nted spray.
There was a garden t#b in the bathroom' too' b#t with a shower ripped "rom my wildest pl#mbing
"antasies' &3d never bothered to try o#t the alternative.
As & stood #nder the downpo#r "rom the !eiling' washing the shampoo "rom my hair' my mind
sp#n. 5e3d said it. 5e3d admitted that we loved ea!h other. 8ow that it was in the open' it made things...
di""erent.
At dinner' A#dy had said 8eil !o#ldn3t do anything hal"way. *id that mean we were into serio#s
relationship territory? 5as the !lo! ti!ing on the =leaving a toothbr#sh= "ront?
5orse' wo#ld things get boring between #s? &t seemed lie a petty thing to worry abo#t. 8eil loved
me. Sho#ldn(t & $#st be happy with that? B#t i" we were =in love'= didn3t we have to leave all the "#n'
iny st#"" behind?
&n the past' when relationships had gotten stale or we(d arg#ed over something' &(d been oay with
!#tting the g#ys loose' be!a#se & didn(t want to do the wor. 8eil was di""erent. 5itho#t meaning to' &3d
gotten e-a!tly what &3d been a"raid o" "or most o" my short ad#lt li"e) A real' grown%#p relationship that
was going to re1#ire a!t#al investment.
=Sophie?=
& opened my eyes at the so#nd o" 8eil3s voi!e. >e had a towel wrapped aro#nd his waist' and
nothing else on.
+y heart did a !ra6y little "lip%"lop at the sight o" him. ,lass shower walls didn3t hide m#!h' even i"
they were a bit steamy' and & "elt oddly e-posed be"ore him. >e p#shed open the shower door and sh#t it
behind him with a so"t !li!' de"tly avoiding the "alling water in the !enter o" the small spa!e.
=& hope yo# don3t mind i" & $oin yo#?=
=8ot at all'= & breathed' pressing my thighs together. The last time we3d been in here' he3d "#!ed me
hard "rom behind while my tits pressed against the !old glass wall. & was not going to arg#e with him i"
that3s what he had in store "or me today.
>e motioned me away "rom the !enter shower and t#rned o"" the water. =Come over here' wo#ld
yo#?=
5ith his ba! to me' & noti!ed the silver gleam o" a pair o" hand!#""s t#!ed into the top o" the
towel at his waist' and a thrill shot thro#gh me. =0o#3re not in here to get !lean' are yo#?=
>e shoo his head slowly' and rea!hed "or the !#""s. >e t#rned to "a!e me' and held them o#t.
2bediently' & presented my wrists. ,oose b#mps popped #p all over my wet sin' and the !hill only
heightened my anti!ipation. >e lo!ed one !#"" aro#nd my le"t wrist' not too tight' then !losed the
se!ond !lasp aro#nd the other one. >e positioned me in "ront o" the gleaming steel "i-t#res and p#shed
my arms over my head' d#!ing beneath them so o#r bodies were pressed together' my hands helplessly
bo#nd behind his ne!.
=& wo#ld appre!iate it i" yo# didn(t p#ll'/ he warned me. .& don(t want my ne! wren!hed or yo#r
wrists br#ised. So' do me a "avor and try to eep "rom "alling./
=This so#nds a bit intense'= & teased. &nside tho#gh' my libido was rioting.
=&t3s going to be' & ass#re yo#.= >e rea!hed "or the deta!hable "a#!et and de"tly #ns!rewed the head
"rom the hose' tossing it aside to !latter on the tile.
5h4 good lord.
Boo' i" there is one thing any reasonably horny woman nows' it3s the val#e o" good water press#re
and a!!essible pl#mbing. Apparently' at least one #nreasonably horny man new it' too' and he had $#st
hand!#""ed me to himsel" in the shower. >e grinned at me as he rea!hed over my sho#lder to t#rn the
tap on. 5hen he tested the water "rom the hose on the inside o" his arm' & !o#ldn3t help b#t noti!e how
the stream dented his "lesh. +y thighs trembled.
>e trailed the hose down the "ront o" my body' splashing the warm water over both o" #s. Then he
smiled mali!io#sly and said' =And here we go.=
& rose #p on the balls o" my "eet' my breath whooshing "rom my l#ngs as the spray hit my !lit
dire!tly. >e pressed the opening o" the hose lightly against me' intensi"ying the press#re. &3m almost
embarrassed to admit it' b#t & thin it too me all o" eight se!onds to groan with an orgasm that set my
sin tingling.
=&3m sorry' what was that?= he ased' wrapping his arm aro#nd my waist to hold me still as the
water !as!aded down my legs. =& missed that. 0o#3ll have to do it again.=
=2h' "#!D= & !#rsed' trying to twist away "rom the relentless sensation o" the water on my post%
orgasmi!' over%sensitive !litoris. This was worse than the hair tie' be!a#se there was no !hange in
intensity' no let%#p. The m#s!les in my thighs were $#mping and & !alled him every name in the boo'
h#rled every swear word & new at him as & sobbed and broe over the edge again.
The only word & didn3t say was =red.= & had a si! desire to see $#st how "ar & !o#ld go' how m#!h &
!o#ld end#re' and when & reali6ed that' it was eno#gh to bring me over a third time. By the "o#rth & was
s!reaming' writhing against his body as he held me !aptive over my instr#ment o" tort#re. & tried to !lose
my legs' and he "or!ed his nee between my thighs. & !o#ld "eel his hard !o! against me thro#gh the
wet towel. & wanted to hold on to him' wanted to !ollapse' b#t all & !o#ld do was stand there on the balls
o" my "eet' my !alves !ramping as & !ame again and again' #ntil they "elt more lie e-plosions o" pain
than pleas#re' and with one "inal howl o" desperation "rom my hoarse throat & sho#ted' =AedD=
>e t#rned the water o"" with one hand and released the sa"ety lat!h on one o" the !#""s with the
other. >e was 1#i! eno#gh to !at!h me as & "ell into his arms' as boneless and e-ha#sted as i" & had
gone r#nning a"ter all. &" the entire e-perien!e had taen a "#ll ten min#tes & wo#ld have been very
s#rprised' b#t it had "elt lie ho#rs.
>e held me at his side and helped me stagger "rom the shower' wrapping me in the towel &3d gotten
"or mysel" and leaving his sodden one behind. >e led me thro#gh the !loset' into the bedroom' and very
thoro#ghly dried me. Then he p#lled ba! the still%m#ssed bedding and ordered' =,et in.=
=Are yo# going to "#! me?= & ased' wriggling #nder the !overs.
To my s#rprise' he p#lled the d#vet over me' leaned down' issed me brie"ly' and said' =8o. & told
yo#' & have to serve my time on the ellipti!al.=
=2h.= & "elt a little silly' being disappointed by that. A"ter all' &3d $#st pra!ti!ally passed o#t "rom
orgasms in the shower. & might not have s#rvived inter!o#rse.
=Tae a nap' darling.= >e issed me again' smiling against my mo#th. =0o#3ll want to be well%
rested. & get all my best ideas while &3m woring o#t.=
& giggled and s1#ealed and slid down in the !#shiony' !om"y heaven that was his bed.
>ow !o#ld & have ever worried that things might get boring between #s?
J J J J
+onday morning & was too si! to wor. That had happened to me on!e' maybe twi!e in my entire
li"e' and &3d always p#shed thro#gh. & "ig#red &(d be si! anyway' so & might as well get paid "or it. This
time' tho#gh' & !o#ldn3t possibly p#sh thro#gh my illnessH &3d spent most o" the morning h#gging the
toilet.
=>eyD= >olli st#! her head thro#gh the door and "rowned. =Are yo# h#ng over?=
=8o.= & tried to shae my head' b#t that was so not a good idea when & seemed to be violently
motion si!. =& !alled o"" wor. & may have bar"ed #p some intestine.=
=,ross. ,#ess what?= She leaned against the door"rame' and waited patiently "or me to dry%heave
over the bowl be"ore !ontin#ing. =& got a really' really big $ob.=
=That3s great.= &t was di""i!#lt to so#nd enth#siasti!' b#t & tried. & p#shed my sweaty hair ba! "rom
my "orehead and propped mysel" #p on my elbows on the toilet seat. =5hat is it?=
=&t3s in <an#ary...= she began' trying to so#nd mysterio#s with her e-!itement rising the whole time.
=&t3s in 9aris...=
=2h my god.= & "or!ed mysel" to my "eet and splashed some water "rom the sin into my vomity
mo#th be"ore l#r!hing at her. =2h my god' yo#3re doing 9aris "ashion wee?=
=That was why & had l#n!h with my agent on that S#nday a "ew wees agoD & new that day' b#t &
!o#ldn(t tell anybody #ntil this wee. &t was tort#reD= >olli a!!epted my h#g very !a#tio#sly' as tho#gh
she wanted a ha6mat s#it. She d#!ed #nder my arm. =9lease don3t give me what yo# have.=
& stepped ba!. Even tho#gh my g#ts were still roiling' & was over"lowing with happiness "or my
"riend.
2ay' no' that wasn3t happiness.
>olli ra!ed o#t the door as & "ell to my nees again.
J J J J
&t was a little strange ret#rning to wor in the wae o" my "ight with 8eil and the de!laration it had
led to. Be"ore' going into the o""i!e and nowing he was there had been a na#ghty thrill "or me. 8ow' it
was "r#strating. *enying o#r relationship now didn3t seem iny or "#n. &t was $#st ind o" depressing.
& !ame ba! to wor on T#esday. & was in re!eption "or all o" two se!onds be"ore 8eil waled o#t o"
his o""i!e and inter!epted me.
=Are yo# "eeling better' +s. S!ai"e?= he ased' "alling in step beside me as & headed a!ross the main
"loor to my department.
=& am' +r. Elwood' thans.= & ept my tone light' and noti!ed that when we got to the bea#ty
department' he almost p#t his hand at the small o" my ba! as & went thro#gh the door. & t#rned 1#i!ly
and looed #p with a ne#tral' pro"essional smile. =*o yo# need something?=
=8o' $#st...= his eyes moved past me to <essi!a' who was editing photos on her laptop at the big
!entral table. She barely noti!ed him there. =<#st maing s#re yo#3re all right.=
>e3d !alled the night be"ore' and &3d still been si! as a dog. A little reass#ran!e % "rom his girl"riend
and not his employee % might mae him worry less. & went to my des' p#lled my phone o#t o" my p#rse'
and te-ted him. #$m fine. #$m feeling much better. (ust have been a twentyfour hour thing.
=+orning' <ess'= & said as & tapped o#t the message. & hit send and said' =Sorry & !alled o""
yesterday. 5as it too m#!h o" a pain in the ass aro#nd here?=
=8o' not bad at all.= She shr#gged. =0o#3ll probably have to play !at!h #p' b#t at this point in the
iss#e' the "ires are mostly p#t o#t. &3m sorry yo# had s#!h a shitty weeend' tho#gh.=
=A!t#ally' it wasn3t so bad. & didn3t get si! #ntil the middle o" the night' lie +onday morning.= &
was $#st glad & hadn3t done it at 8eil3s. &3d woen #p and promptly p#ed in my lap. That wo#ld have
de"initely illed the roman!e between #s. =*o anything e-!iting?=
<essi!a shr#gged. =& went to a party in the village. 2ay band' bordering on medio!re. 0o#?=
=& spent the weeend with my boy"riend.= & got a little thrill o#t o" taling abo#t 8eil witho#t
anyone nowing & was taling abo#t 8eil. There was no way & !o#ld ever tell <essi!a or &ndia that my
boy"riend was 8eil Elwood' and not $#st be!a#se it wo#ld endanger my $ob. &3d heard them tal so m#!h
shit abo#t himH they wo#ld be morti"ied i" they new & was in love with him.
=2hD= & said 1#i!ly' remembering. >ow !o#ld & "orget? =+y roommate got hired to do r#nway "or
"ashion wee in 9arisD=
=5owD= <essi!a3s eyes went wide. =So' basi!ally' she3s made it.=
=0eahD= & hadn3t really tho#ght abo#t it' b#t... yeah. 4or a model who3d be happy standing in "ront o"
!ars at a#to shows' >olli had really e-!eeded her own !areer e-pe!tations. =She3s totally psy!hed.=
The door opened. & looed #p' e-pe!ting &ndia. &nstead' <ae stepped in. =Sophie' do yo# have a
min#te?=
& looed to <essi!a. =*o & have a 1#i! min#te?=
=&ndia isn3t here yet' so...= <ess shr#gged. =,o "or it.=
=2ay' b#t it has to be really 1#i!'= & told <ae as we waled o#t o" the department. >e led me to
the emergen!y e-it stairwell in the !orner. 5e slipped thro#gh the door' <ae seemingly oblivio#s to the
stares o" some o" o#r !oworers.
=So' yo# now it loos lie we3re !oming o#t here "or some s#per se!ret meeting' right?= & was ind
o" annoyed. & new he was still #nder the impression that & was on his side' b#t & had no idea what his
side was or what he tho#ght he was plotting to a!!omplish.
=5e are !oming o#t here "or a se!ret meeting.= >e looed over my head' thro#gh the small window
in the door. =& wanted to be the "irst to tell yo#. &3m leaving.=
=Beaving? As in' 1#itting?= &t wasn3t as h#ge a s#rprise as he was maing it o#t to be. & had been
e-pe!ting him to leave way ba! when ,abriella was still with #s. 8ot be!a#se he3d been #nhappy' & was
$#st !ertain he wo#ld get a massive boo deal or something and not need #s anymore. Be!a#se despite
all the "laws in his !hara!ter that had be!ome magni"ied abo#t a tho#sand per!ent in the past !o#ple o"
months' he really was a talented g#y. >e new e-a!tly how to wor with photographers' how to des!ribe
the loo he was going "or to !ompliment his words' and how to !ooperate i" those visions didn3t 1#ite
mat!h #p.
=&t3s Porteras3s loss'= & told him' and & meant it.
=&t doesn3t have to be yo#r loss' tho#gh.= >e p#t one hand on the wall beside my head and leaned in'
way too !lose. Be!a#se we were being !overt' & g#ess?
& too a hal"%step away "rom his arm. =5hat do yo# mean?=
>e blew o#t a breath and looed to the door. =0o# have to swear yo# won3t tell Elwood. & don3t
now what3s going on with yo# two' b#t & !an3t tr#st yo# with this in"ormation i" yo#3re going to r#n
right to him with it.=
<ae !o#ld have slapped me' and & wo#ld have been less st#nned and sho!ed. =5hat?=
=2h' !ome on'= he said with a roll o" his eyes. =0o# were in his o""i!e that day' with the door
lo!ed. & was there. And then yo# s#ddenly got promoted.=
=That3s not how & got the promotionD ,abriella % =
=,abriella p#t yo# on a list' & now. Boo' & now how hard it is. &3ve done things &3m not pro#d o"
to get $obs' believe me.= >e had a loo on his "a!e that said we$re the same4 # understand you.
B#t he didn3t #nderstand. >e didn3t #nderstand me at all.
>e smired down at me. =,abriella has ba!ers' lots o" "inan!ial ba!ers' as well as the s#pport o"
several ma$or designers. They3re going to start their own maga6ine.=
=,ood.= & meant that. 8eil3s weird new poli!ies were going to ill Porteras' anyway. =& hope she(ll
be very s#!!ess"#l./
=0o# don(t have to hope. She(s going to be s#!!ess"#l. She3s pi!ing #p the advertisers that are
"leeing this pla!e lie rats o"" a sining ship.= <ae straightened and p#t his hands in his po!ets. &
wanted to sma! the sm#g o"" his st#pid "a!e. =0o#3re looing at ,abriella3s se!ond%in%!ommand at the
new p#bli!ation. *o yo# want in?=
=5hat?= & tho#ght & might !hoe on my tong#e.
=Bie & said' it3s all h#sh%h#sh right now. B#t & !an tal to ,abriella' see i" yo# !an3t maybe get on
board. 0o# might be her assistant again' at "irst' b#t there3s de"initely a !han!e "or advan!ement. Are
yo# in?=
& wanted to say was) &et me see. +ork another two years for the woman who thought # wasn$t good
enough to take along on this new venture in the first place4 driving her dog to get its malfunctioning
colon cleansed4 and betray the man # love in order to do it, )ign me up4 and which foot do you want me
to shoot myself in4 the right or the left,
B#t my sense and reason overrode that. 5oring "or ,abriella on a new maga6ine? 9eople wo#ld
ill "or that opport#nity. Co#ld & really pass that #p? She had too m#!h p#ll in the "ashion world to "ail at
this. >er new maga6ine wo#ld be a phenomenal s#!!ess' "#eled by the ire o" "ormer Porteras readers
alienated by the !hanges Elwood G Stern had made.
=& wo#ld de"initely !onsider it'= & said !are"#lly.
=,ood.= >e grinned at me. =At least yo# now yo# won3t have to do anything depraved behind
lo!ed doors with ,abriella.=
8o' &3d be !ompromising my dignity in "ront o" everyone. +#!h better.
& staggered o#t o" the stairwell' "eeling lie &3d been hit by a tr#!.
& t#rned ba! and gave <ae my most serio#s loo as & ased #nder my breath' .&s she maing an
anno#n!ement soon then? Co#rting s#bs!ribers?/
<ae grinned and said' low' an eye o#t "or anyone who might overhear' .That(s the bea#ty part. She
has someone who wors right here at Porteras who(s borrowing the mailing list. 9ost!ards and emails
will hit s#bs!ribers this 4riday./
Borrowing? Stealing. Someone was going to steal the s#bs!ription list "or her' so she !o#ld poa!h
s#bs!ribers "rom 8eil? &t wasn(t #nheard o" "or p#bli!ations to share s#bs!ription lists' b#t not with rival
p#bli!ations. *oing it this way was dirty and #nderhanded.
B#t i" Porteras went #nder' did & really want to go down with it?
Sirens that s!reamed' .Tell 8eilD/ a!!ompanied every warning light "lashing in my head. This was
serio#s. Someone taing that list wo#ld a""e!tT well' it wo#ld probably mean everyone who ever had
a!!ess to it wo#ld be s#spe!t. +aybe they wo#ld all get "ired.
(aybe # would get fired. 5ho better than me to give her that list' sin!e &(d had my nose abo#t si-
"eet deep in ,abriella(s ass the whole time &(d wored "or her? They were going to s#spe!t me. 2h god'
8eil was going to s#spe!t me.
B#t how !o#ld & tell him? & might lose my $ob either way' when the de!eption got #n!overed. &t
wo#ldn(t be a se!ret "or long' only one !on"#sed s#bs!riber wo#ld have to write in and as what the $#n
email or post!ard was abo#t. By that time' the damage to Porteras wo#ld be done' tho#gh. &" ,abriella
new & was the whistle blower' & wo#ldn(t get a $ob with her. B#t i" & didn(t tell 8eil' & was betraying
him on a pretty personal level.
& loved him. Co#ld & really eep this a se!ret "rom him?
Chapter 8ineteen
4riday night' & was "eeling way better "rom my illness. +y stoma!h was still ind o" $#mpy and so#r
every on!e in a while' b#t & attrib#ted that to the whole stress"#l ethi!s iss#e & had going on.
& was dying to see 8eil' b#t a little !on!erned abo#t the se!ret $ob o""erSo""i!e espionage that wo#ld
#ndo#btedly blow #p d#ring the !oming wee. & new & had to warn him abo#t the s#bs!riber list' b#t &
wasn(t s#re it was my pla!e to brea the !hain o" !ommand. *id that "all #nder .let(s not dis!#ss
b#siness?/ & had already warned A#dy to eep an eye on <ae' and & ass#med he wo#ldn(t have ept my
s#spi!ions "rom 8eil. A#dy was sharp' and nothing serio#s wo#ld get past him.
&" a real $ob o""er panned o#t' & wo#ld bring it #p with 8eil then. &" he was s#per mad abo#t it' we3d
deal with it. And i" he !o#ldn3t respe!t me "or prioriti6ing my !areer over him' then maybe &3d "allen in
love with the wrong g#y' no matter how great the se- was' or how m#!h "#n we had together. & needed
to stay Team Sophie.
& headed to 8eil3s pla!e straight "rom wor' and a!t#ally beat him there. & waited "or him in the
lobby.
=This is why yo# need a ey'= he said when he arrived. >e too me into his arms and issed my
"orehead be"ore he released me and #rged me toward the elevator.
=A ey?= & !onsidered that as the doors !losed #s in. =2n one hand' yo#3re obvio#sly not a"raid that
&3ll $#st drop by at a weird time or move in while yo#3re at wor.=
=Sophie' yo# won3t even leave a spare toothbr#sh at my pla!e' & don3t thin & have to worry abo#t
yo# moving in #ninvited./
=2oh' that reminds me' did yo# get my bag?= 4or the past "ew weeends' 8eil had sent someone to
the apartment to pi! #p my weeend bag' so & didn3t have to s!hlep it to wor. & thin 8eil wo#ld have
been thrilled i" & wo#ld have $#st le"t some e-tra !lothes and things at his pla!e' b#t & was nowhere near
ready "or that.
=Tony pi!ed it #p this morning.= The doors opened and we stepped into the small vestib#le. =0o#
were abo#t to tell me yo#r other hand.=
=5hat other hand?= & ased' momentarily p#66led.
=The hand that will #ltimately de!line a ey to my apartment'= he said' not meeting my eyes as he
#nlo!ed the door.
=2h' that hand.= & tried to eep my tone light' be!a#se he was right' & wasn3t going to tae a damn
ey. =5ell' on that hand' & wo#ld have a ey to yo#r apartment. That might be a little heavy this early.=
>e held open the door "or me and dropped his brie"!ase in the "oyer. =*o yo# mind terribly i" we
order in tonight? &3m a bit tired.=
8ow that we were standing together in "amiliar lighting' & noti!ed the dar hollows #nder his eyes'
the slight pallor to his !omple-ion. =Are yo# oay? 0o#(re not !oming down with that thing & had?=
=2h' &(m "ine. <#st a little tired is all.= >e smiled bravely' b#t & "elt a !old !hill o" worry. Every time
we got #pdates at wor lately' it seemed lie bad news disg#ised as good news. & reali6ed he m#st have
been #nder an enormo#s amo#nt o" stress over the past wee.
& was determined to mae the night as rela-ing as possible "or him. +aybe &(d bring #p the meeting
with <ae' b#t not tonight. 8ot when 8eil looed so r#n down.
5e ended #p ordering pi66a and !heap red wine and eating !ross%legged on the bed in the media
room.
=0o# said media room' & imagined lie' a plasma s!reen and a ra! o" *@*s'= & said' looing #p at
the tray !eiling and re!essed lighting. The bed we sat on was s#rro#nded by movie%theatre%style seats'
"ive behind #s' two rows o" two on either side.
=& had this done when Emma t#rned si-teen. She and her "riends had sleepovers in here.= >e
gest#red to the pro$e!tor overhead. =Aepla!ed that a "ew times sin!e then' o" !o#rse.=
=2h' o" !o#rse.= & sni!ered.
=*on3t mae "#n o" me "or having money'= he s!olded. =0o#3d have more o" it yo#rsel"' i" yo#3d let
me pay "or the pi66a.=
=8o' & have to pay "or some things.=
>e too a swallow o" wine. =& "orgot to mention... Emma will be here tomorrow.=
=2h.= 5ell' &(d tho#ght & was "eeling better "rom my stoma!h b#g' now not so m#!h. +aybe & was
$#st getting an #l!er "rom stress. =Emma will be here...=
=Tomorrow'= he said slowly' the !orner o" his mo#th twit!hing as he ga#ged my rea!tion. =B#t &3d
lie yo# to stay. 0o# two had a disastro#s "irst meeting' and &3d lie yo# to be able to get along.=
& rea!hed "or the wine bottle and po#red mysel" another glass. =*oes she live here' or...=
=9art time. She travels a lot' "or her $ob' organi6ing events and "#ndraisers all over. 5hen she3s in
town' & very gra!io#sly let her stay here' rent "ree' to prevent her "rom moving in with her horrible
boy"riend.= >e p#shed the pi66a bo- toward me and re!lined on his side.
& shoo my head. =That probably won3t wor "orever.=
=8o' yo#3re right. B#t it has wored "or the past year' so &(m ever hope"#l.= >e "rowned #p at the
pro$e!tion s!reen on the wall' where a happy blonde !o#ple to#red a restored "armho#se. =So' the entire
premise o" this program is that people go looing "or ho#ses to live in and re$e!t the per"e!t ones
o#tright be!a#se they3re too la6y to paint?=
.That(s abo#t the gist o" it./ & !overed my mo#th with my hand as & spoe' !hewing #p my last bite.
& dropped the !r#st into the top o" the bo- and grabbed one o" the "limsy paper napins to wipe my
hands. =5ell' )ir' & don3t now what yo# had in mind "or the rest o" the evening' b#t & thin & broe yo#r
3don3t get tipsy3 r#le.=
The glasses we3d been drining "rom were bigger than the ones & had at home' and & was "airly
!ertain &3d dr#n most o" the bottle on my own.
=0es' & see that.= >e rea!hed #p' taing my !hin in his hand to tilt my "a!e to one side' then the
other. =0o#3re pin !heeed.=
=That3s not the wine. &t3s anger at these morons.= & shr#gged his hand o"" and gest#red at the s!reen.
=35e really lied the Cape Cod' and it was per"e!t "or o#r needs' b#t it had waaaaaaaall paaaaaaper.3=
>e la#ghed. =& !an3t tell yo# how m#!h & needed this tonight.=
=Bad T@?=
=0o#.= >is smile slowly "aded. =& "ind that when &3m with yo#' it3s impossible to worry abo#t
anything else.=
5h4 1eil. +aybe that was his problem. >e was too happy to see the !olossal mistaes he had made
with Porteras. 2r maybe he saw them' b#t lie an on!oming train' !o#ldn(t avoid them.
The problem wasn(t the !hanges he(d made. The problem was he(d made too many' too soon. & was
starting to get a sense o" what A#dy had re"erred to as 8eil(s ."or!e"#l personality./ 5hen he saw
something he wanted' he went a"ter it tena!io#sly. 5hile that was admirable' it wasn(t always sensible.
5e3d already had the =never as me abo#t my b#siness= tal where this s#b$e!t was !on!erned' and
& so didn3t want to rehash that arg#ment. 8ot when & was "#ll o" red wine and an alarming amo#nt o"
pi66a % whi!h sho#ldn3t have been a t#rn on' b#t & !hallenge anyone to not be t#rned on sitting on a bed'
even !as#ally' with 8eil Elwood.
=*o yo# ever wat!h porn in here?= The word 3porn3 maes me giggle. & !an3t help it.
=Sophie' don3t be $#venile.= >e sighed impatiently. =2" !o#rse & do. The pi!t#re is in!redible and
there3s no danger o" getting semen on my laptop.=
& shoo my head and !overed my "a!e with my hands' la#ghing as he got #p "rom the bed and
relo!ated the pi66a bo- and wine glasses. =&s that something yo#3d be interested in? 5at!hing porn and
"#!ing in here?=
&t "elt lie s#!h a nat#ral 1#estion' lie he was asing me i" &3d lie pan!aes "or brea"ast. =0eah' &
thin it !o#ld be "#n. 0o# now... &3ve never been with someone who tals abo#t se- the way yo# do. &
mean' in my other relationships we !o#ld have se-' we $#st !o#ldn3t tal abo#t it lie this.=
=&" yo# !an3t tal abo#t it' yo# damn well sho#ldn3t be having it'= he observed' draining his glass in a
heroi! swallow.
=0o#3re right.= & got to my nees on the bed. &t was made #p with pillows and blanets that mat!hed
the b#rg#ndy velvet #pholstery o" the theater seating aro#nd it. =&s there any reason we !an3t wat!h porn
and do dirty st#"" tonight?=
=8one at all.= >e waled slowly over the to bed' an #n!ertain e-pression on his "a!e. =&3m a bit
s#rprised' tho#gh. & tho#ght women o" yo#r generation had a problem with pornography.=
=&3m pretty s#re yo#3ve seen women o" my generation in porn'= & said dryly.
=5ell' o" !o#rse. & only meant...= he pa#sed' and la#ghed. =0o#3re a "eminist. & ass#med that
"eminists... didn3t !are "or that sort o" thing.=
=5e3re not a hive mind' 8eil.= & rolled my eyes at him. =& lie porn. 8ot lie' the animated st#"" with
tenta!les. And nothing s#per degrading. &" yo# b#st o#t a bo- o" barely legal girls !rying as a spe!i"i!
"etish' &3m probably not going to be happy abo#t it.=
=8o' nothing in the 3barely legal girls !rying3 genre' &3m a"raid.= >e sat down beside me and rea!hed
"or the remote. >e hit a b#tton to open #p a men# on the s!reen' sele!ted =private= and entered a
password.
=This is impressive.= & looed #p at the pro$e!tor. =&s there a hard drive in that?=
=2" !o#rse. Every porn%loving billionaire in his right mind is going !ompletely digital these days.=
>e hit another b#tton on the remote' and a gallery o" th#mbnail images popped #p. =5hat are yo# in the
mood "or?=
& snorted as & looed at the pi!t#res. There was a very similar theme going on there. =Boos lie
redheads are my only option.=
=2h yes' #m'= he looed over at me with an embarrassed' apologeti! grin. =& lie redheads.=
=& hate to tell yo#' b#t & don3t thin & wo#ld loo good as a redhead.= & li"ted one long lo! o"
de!idedly br#nette hair. =& !o#ld try it' i" yo# want.=
=0o#3d better not'= he warned. =*on3t ever !hange yo#r appearan!e solely to please me. & love yo#
e-a!tly the way yo# are.=
=As long as yo# don3t hire some new redheaded se!retary to bend over yo#r des' &3ll be happy.= &
pointed to the #pper le"t !orner o" the s!reen. =5hat3s that one?=
=E-!ellent !hoi!e'= he said' his e-pression brightening. =*o yo# spea 4ren!h?=
=8ot even a little.=
=5ell' the plot isn3t really important. The dialog#e is atro!io#s.= >e started the video.
& "rowned. =*o yo# spea 4ren!h?=
=& do.=
=*o yo# spea any other lang#ages?= This was a "as!inating side to him &3d never really !onsidered
be"ore. >e(d probably had a way better ed#!ation than &3d had.
=Besides English? &!elandi! is my se!ond lang#age' b#t &(d !onsider it almost native. &3m "l#ent in
,erman and 4ren!h' & spea some *#t!h' a bit o" ,ree. & !an do a tiny bit o" <apanese' b#t & never 1#ite
get it right' and &(m reliably in"ormed that my a!!ent is aw"#l.= >e "lashed me a smile and hit another
b#tton on the remote to dim the lights. =5hat abo#t yo#?=
=Spanish.= & shr#gged. =8ot "l#ent' b#t & do oay.=
=That3s per"e!t then' isn3t it?= >e sat down beside me and ran his hand down my ba!. =& !an !over
"or #s in 8i!e' yo# !an help #s get aro#nd +alaga.=
& snorted. =Aight.=
=&3m serio#s.= A slight "rown !reased his "orehead. =Sophie' & wo#ld love to go away on a holiday
with yo#. To have yo# all to mysel" "or more than two nights in a row' to spend all day with yo# and
hold yo#r hand in p#bli! witho#t "earing someone "rom wor is going to spot #s. <#st to rela- with yo#'
witho#t wor hanging over o#r heads.=
=5e go to dinner together. 5e go r#nning together'= & pointed o#t. B#t he was right' we were both
silently rehearsing o#r !over stories the whole time. 5h4 it was meant to be a business dinner4 not a
romantic4 candle lit one4 but the wait staff wouldn$t take no for an answer. =+aybe that3s something we
!o#ld do in the "#t#re. ,o some pla!e warm and s#nny' where & !an wear a biini.=
=5here yo# !an s#nbathe topless'= he s#ggested las!ivio#sly. .&(m going to go get a !ondom./
.>#rry'/ & told him' lying ba! on the bed and waling my "ingertips down my t#mmy.
=8ever.= >e leaned down to iss me' as on s!reen the woman in the porn !rawled a!ross a bed'
speaing so"tly to a n#de man with a tr#ly glorio#s physi1#e.
=5ow.= +y eyebrows shot #p. The d#de had to have a twelve pa!.
=&3m still hereD= 8eil la#ghed "rom the door' b#t it so#nded lie he was only hal" idding.
The a!tress rea!hed "or the a!tor3s ere!tion and slowly stroed it' whispering her lines. & slipped my
hand beneath my shirt to stroe the !#rve o" my breast.
That(s how 8eil "o#nd me when he !ame ba!' and he stopped at the end o" the bed to wat!h me
la6ily !ir!ling my nipple beneath my t%shirt.
& smiled #p at him. =5hat3s she saying?=
=2h' #m' that it3s all right' her sister won3t "ind o#t' b#t that she3s always wondered what he was lie
in bed.= 8eil shr#gged and sat beside me. =& told yo# it was a st#pid plot.=
=8o more st#pid than 3&t appears o#r "light is !an!elled' wo#ld yo# lie to get a room with me?3= &
teased' mo!ing his a!!ent.
>e ta!le%h#gged me' and we rolled together on the bed. >e b#ried his "a!e in my ne! and s#!ed
noisily on my sin' ti!ling me' maing me s1#irm and la#gh and gasp all at the same time. 4inally' he
let #p' pinning me beneath him. 2ne hand went to the top o" my yoga pants % & wanted to be !om"y on
the weeends' b#t & wasn3t 1#ite ready to spring printed "lannel p$s on him % and slipped inside. +y last
giggle died away on a !ontented sigh as he stroed me. >e p#shed my t%shirt #p with his other hand'
!#pping my breast' and !overed my mo#th with his mo#th' my body with his body.
& smiled #p at him as his "ingers "o#nd my !lit and pressed in slow !ir!les' then & tilted my head
ba! to wat!h the video. &n this position the pi!t#re was #pside down' b#t it didn3t hinder my en$oyment
any. The woman on the s!reen ran her tong#e #p and down the man3s !o!' maintaining eye !onta!t with
the !amera as her "ingers !#rled aro#nd him' !oated in her saliva.
+y rea!tion to the sight was a bone%deep sh#dder.
=& pre"er s!enes lie this'= 8eil said' nibbling along my $aw. =5hen it seems gen#ine. & detest the
over%lo#d' obvio#sly "aed en$oyment in some videos.=
=2h my god'= & whimpered' rolling my hips #nder him. =& totally agree. & lie it m#!h better when it
loos real.=
>is "ingers slipped down' two o" them sliding into me. .This is very real' isn3t it?=
=All real'= & moaned. =All "or yo#.=
=0o#3ll drive a man !ra6y' taling lie that.= >e sat #p and p#lled o"" his shirt' and & did the same.
&3d taen o"" my bra when &3d !hanged o#t o" my wor !lothes' and his hands and mo#th were on me
be"ore & got my t%shirt over my head. & p#lled him ba! down with me. & loved the way o#r sin "elt
pressed together. & loved the weight o" him between my legs' the heat o" his mo#th on my nipple' the
ro#ghness o" his hairy !hest against my belly.
The a!tress moaned aro#nd the sha"t in her mo#th' and my throat went dry.
=>ey.= & san my "ingers into his hair and gently t#gged. 5hen he li"ted his head' & looed him in
the eye and said' =& want to s#! yo#r !o!.=
>e grinned at me and leaned #p' and & started to sit #p as well. >e pla!ed one hand against my
!hest. =Stay there.=
& wat!hed the s!reen as he rose "rom the bed and stripped naed. The woman in the movie was
getting more enth#siasti! now' her mo#th bobbing #p and down her partner3s glistening ere!tion. 8eil
!ame ba! to the bed and nelt over me' a nee on either side o" my rib!age. The tip o" him br#shed my
lips' and & opened my mo#th' raising my head a little to tae him in. & rea!hed #p to grip him' and he
inter!epted my hand' g#iding it to the side o" my breast.
& !o#ld tae a hint.
& s1#ee6ed my tits together aro#nd him' letting my tong#e swirl over the head o" his !o! as he
thr#st. & was s#rprised at how m#!h o" a tease it was' not being able to s#! him deep into my mo#th.
That only made me want to do an even better $ob on what & !o#ld rea!h.
8eil3s hand snaed down my stoma!h' into my pants again' to "inger me as he slowly "#!ed my
breasts. & li"ted my hips' ro!ing #nder his gentle stroes' whimpering as his other hand tra!ed slow
!ir!les aro#nd ea!h o" my nipples in t#rn.
& started to giggle. & !o#ldn3t help it.
=Are yo# la#ghing?= he ased' la#ghing a bit himsel".
=& am.= & let my head "all ba! and moaned again as he pin!hed my !lit between his th#mb and
"ore"inger' rolling it "rom side to side. =&3m $#st having s#!h a good time.=
And that was it' really. & was "eeling so damn "antasti!. >ere & was' doing something &3d rarely done
with other partners' witho#t any "ear or shame' be!a#se & new 8eil loved me' and he gen#inely loved
"#!ing me. 5e !o#ld try anything and he wo#ld still be into me' and ready to try other things.
8ot that this was a "ail#re' by any means. 5hile his "ingers were doing a lot more "or me than his
!o! was at the moment' & got a na#ghty thrill $#st "rom being held down by him' having him dominate
me by virt#e o" position' even i" he wasn3t going "#ll *om tonight. & li"ted my head again and too him
into my mo#th' still somewhat breathless "rom la#ghter. A"ter a "ew long' slow li!s' & had to lower my
head again' b#t & held my breasts tighter aro#nd him.
=0o# now' i" yo# !ame lie this' yo# wo#ld blow all over my "a!e'= & said' as tho#gh it were an
inno!ent observation. &t totally wasn(t.
>e groaned and !losed his eyes.
& whined in disappointment as he withdrew his hand "rom between my legs.
=,et #p'= he ordered' swinging one leg over me. >e o""ered me his hand and & too it' !limbing to
my nees in "ront o" him. >e p#shed me onto my hands and gave me a sharp slap on my ass be"ore he
$ered my pants down. & "elt his weight shi"t' his arms br#sh my thighs' and then witho#t any warning'
he p#shed his "a!e against my v#lva. >e s#!ed my !lit into his mo#th and & $#mped' b#t he held my
hips' #rging me to tilt my pelvis "or easier a!!ess.
&n the porn' the woman was on top o" the man now' straddling his "a!e as he devo#red her p#ssy.
The noises she made were too breathless and spontaneo#s to be "ae. She so#nded lie she was really'
really getting o"". Bie & was really' really getting o"" with 8eil(s nose br#shing against my labia' his
tong#e tapping my !lit.
=Bet me hear yo#'= 8eil begged' pressing isses a!ross my ass' down my thighs. =&3m going to mae
yo# !ome' Sophie. And & want to hear it.=
=2h' "#!'= & gasped as his "ingers shoved into me. >e new e-a!tly what & needed. & needed him to
be ro#gh with me' to mae me "eel more than $#st pleas#re. To "eel that little twinge o" "ear' when there
was nothing to "ear. To "eel helpless' when & held all the power.
>e pressed against my g%spot with two "ingers' hard' and rolled my !lit #nder his tong#e. +y ga6e
"i-ed on the woman on s!reen' how her thighs trembled aro#nd her partner3s "a!e' how she gripped one
breast and ran the "ingers o" her other hand thro#gh her hair. 8eil3s th#mb repla!ed his tong#e. >is teeth
gra6ed the !#rve o" my b#tto! and & sh#dderedH he bit me' hard' and that was all & needed. & sobbed and
shoo' grinding ba! on his hand. & threw my head ba! as my p#ssy !len!hed aro#nd his "ingers. And &
totally let him hear me.
=4#!'= & groaned again as he withdrew his hand. A"ter a brie" pa#se to p#t on the !ondom' his !o!
too the pla!e o" his "ingers. 5ith my pants still aro#nd my nees' and his nees on either side o" my
!alves' & might as well have been tied #p be!a#se & !o#ldn(t move. >e p#shed in' hard' then drew ba!
and shoved again. There was nothing & !o#ld do b#t hold on' ro!ing with him' my balan!e pre!ario#s'
my "ingers digging into the blanet beneath me.
&n the video' the woman was on her partner3s lap' "a!ing away "rom him' the !amera angled to show
every thr#st o" his ere!tion into her shaved%bare p#ssy. They were going at it pretty vigoro#sly' her tits
bo#n!ing as she rode him. 5hat we were doing was $#st the opposite. 8eil wo#ld slam "orward' then
withdraw slowly' so & "elt every in!h o" him drag along my sensitive !hannel. +y internal m#s!les
gripped him in tight "l#tters. +y eyes rolled #p at the #nbelievable sensation.
=>ow !an yo# "eel so ama6ing?= >e teased me' leaving $#st the tip o" his !o! in me #ntil &
whimpered. >e "illed me' so deep & gasped' and leaned to sweep my hair aside. >is lips "ell on my nape'
his tong#e laving the sin there' and & shivered' over!ome by the rasp o" his sharp st#bble against my
ti!lish ne!. Every !ell in my body was on "ire "or him. Every sense had att#ned totally to se-H the
video "eeding graphi! pi!t#res to my brain' the so#nds o" the a!tors on the s!reen mingling with my own
harsh breaths. The s!ent o" 8eil3s !ologne had be!ome a power"#l aphrodisia!' and it only heightened
my desire now. Every !entimeter o" my sin had !ome to total awareness' every to#!h too m#!h and not
eno#gh.
>e pi!ed #p speed' his hand rea!hing aro#nd to !aress my throat. >e didn3t e-ert any press#re' $#st
le"t his hand there' possessive over the so"t sin o" my ne!' his th#mb br#shing #p and down in the
!#rve below my ear. A thrill shot thro#gh me at the territorial nat#re o" his to#!h. 5hen we were
together lie this' & belonged to him' body and so#l' tho#gh & new that he wo#ld never see to a!t#ally
own me. & almost wept at the se!#rity o" that "eeling. 9leas#re twisted thro#gh me lie an ar! o"
lightning' every m#s!le tightening as & panted and gro#nd ba! on him. The "eeling snapped and
writhed' and & writhed with it' tossed in the storm o" my own violent !lima-. &t too me a moment to
reali6e the hoarse' hal"%sho#ted moans were wren!hing "rom my throat' not the a!tress on the s!reen.
+y thighs trembled' as did my arms' "rom the strain o" staying #p. Be"ore & !o#ld !ollapse' 8eil
p#lled o#t and gently p#shed me to the bed. >e t#gged down my pants' and & i!ed them o"" with
e-ha#sted legs' t#rning to my ba! and rea!hing #p "or him. >e settled between my legs' issed me'
issed my $aw' my ne!' as he san easily into my body.
>is hands "o#nd mine and bro#ght them #p to either side o" my head' threading o#r "ingers together
as he moved. & ro!ed my hips in time to his thr#sts' li"ted my head to meet his greedy mo#th with my
own. 5hen he !ame' his groan was m#""led by my lips. >is head dropped to my sho#lder as his body
$ered invol#ntarily against mine.
>e leaned #p on his elbows to iss me' breathing hard' his weight still pinning me to the bed. &
giggled' disentangling o#r hands so & !o#ld rea!h #p and to#!h his "a!e. =0o# now what wo#ld be a
terrible obit#ary? 3Twenty%"o#r year old s#""o!ated #nder billionaire boy"riend.(=
=>a ha'= he groaned' grima!ing as he slipped "rom my body.
The moment he rolled to my side' & got #p and !rawled toward the head o" the bed. =9ost%se-
sn#ggle time?=
>is eyes were !losed' b#t he smiled. =,ive me a moment to get rid o" this.=
>e dit!hed the !ondom in the remaining wad o" pi66a napins and !limbed beneath the !overs. >e
#sed the remote to stop the video. & !#ddled at his side. =This is basi!ally a per"e!t 4riday night.=
=& !o#ldn3t agree more.= >e hit a b#tton on the remote' and the lights dimmed as he wrapped his
arms aro#nd me.
An ho#r later' we still hadn3t moved. & lay sprawled over 8eil3s !hest' while he stroed my hair
down my ba! with one slow hand.
=*o yo# want to go to the bedroom?= he ased' his voi!e ro#gh "rom wine and drowsiness.
=&n a min#te'= & m#rm#red. =&3m all sn#ggly.=
=5e !an sleep in here' i" yo# lie.= >e s#ggested' and & heard it thro#gh his !hest. =& stayed in here
many a night while Eli6abeth and & were having o#r di""eren!es.=
& li"ted my head slightly. =&s the divor!e "inal yet?=
=+mhm.= >is eyebrows rose. =&t was "inal be"ore & !ame to Porteras. B#t as per the terms o" the
divor!e' she had si-ty days to move o#t o" this apartment and into the ho#se in B.A.=
=2h.= & had a s#dden' b#rning !#riosity abo#t this woman & had been trying not to thin o" "or so
long. B#t trying to pretend she never e-isted wasn3t "air to 8eil. >e3d been thro#gh a divor!e' very
re!ently. That had to be tra#mati!. =& hope yo# don3t thin that yo# !an3t tal to me abo#t all o" that. &
love yo#. & don3t want yo# s#""ering thro#gh a di""i!#lt time "eeling lie yo# !an3t tal honestly with
me.=
>is hand stilled at my ba!. =0o# s#rprise me so m#!h.=
=&3m not trying to s#rprise yo#. &3m $#st trying to be a good "riend. 2r a good girl"riend' & g#ess.=
>e res#med his slow petting o" my hair' and & laid my head ba! down. =5ell' & s#ppose it3s only
"air to tell yo#... don3t e-pe!t Emma to be parti!#larly warm when she3s here tomorrow.=
=& ind o" !onsidered that ship sailed when she a!!identally heard #s having se-'= & reminded him.
=She wo#ldn3t have lied yo#' anyway'= he admitted with some rel#!tan!e. =She doesn3t tr#st people
easily. & thin that3s my "a#lt. She had a good relationship with Eli6abeth' and she was h#rt by the way
the marriage ended.=
=That doesn3t seem very "air. 0o# !o#ldn3t have a baby $#st to stay married. 8ot i" yo# didn3t want
one.=
>e wrapped his arm aro#nd me to give me a s1#ee6e. =Are yo# s#re yo# don3t mind taling abo#t
this?=
=8ot at all.= & s!ooted #p the bed to lie on the pillow and "a!e him. =Am & s#pposed to be $ealo#s o"
yo#r e-? Sensitive abo#t admitting yo#3ve been with other people? 0o#(re with me now. 5hat wo#ld be
the point?=
=4air eno#gh.= >is small' sad smile pier!ed my heart. This whole time' he3d been h#rting' and he3d
hidden it to mae things easier "or me. =Eli6abeth never mentioned her... yearning "or motherhood' i" &
!an sar!asti!ally borrow her phrase' in the two years that we dated and later lived together. &t was only
a"ter we signed a pren#ptial agreement that held a !la#se "or !hild s#pport that the idea seemed to
organi!ally o!!#r to her.=
=2h.= & didn3t now anything abo#t pren#ptial agreements. & had no idea they !o#ld !over !hild
s#pport. =& tae it that it was a lot?=
=4i"ty tho#sand per month in addition to whatever "amily !o#rt awarded. 4or two !hildren' it went
#p to seventy%"ive tho#sand' then an additional ten "or ea!h !hild therea"ter.= >is eyes met mine. =5hen
we !ame ba! "rom o#r honeymoon' she admitted she3d had her &C* removed a "ew wees be"ore the
wedding. That was a rather di""i!#lt blow to my tr#st.=
=B#t yo# stayed with her?= & wasn3t s#re i" & !o#ld have stayed with someone who seemed to be
playing me lie that.
=& stayed. 4or a year' a year and hal". &t too me a long time to "a!e that o#r separation wasn(t going
to end in re!on!iliation. & wanted to mae things wor. 9artially "or Emma. She and Eli6abeth hit it o""
right away' and they were very !lose.= >e pa#sed. =And partially "or mysel". & loved her. & didn3t want to
believe she(d had her !hange o" heart be!a#se o" the pren#p. &3m still not entirely s#re it was. And &
believe that Eli6abeth3s a""e!tion "or Emma was gen#ine' b#t Emma is 1#ite h#rt by the whole thing.
She3s angry at Eli6abeth' and at me. & thin she blames me "or not prote!ting her "rom a person who
ended #p disappointing her.=
Emma was my age' so she wo#ld have been nineteen or twenty when her "ather had gotten involved
with Eli6abeth. =>ow old is Eli6abeth?=
=Thirty%si-.= >e raised an eyebrow. =*on3t worry' & don3t have a string o" twenty%"o#r year olds in
my past.=
& rolled my eyes at him. =That wasn3t what & was worried abo#t. & was $#st thining how devastating
it wo#ld have been "or me' at twenty' to mae "riends with a woman who was older than me' to develop
a s#pportive' en!o#raging relationship with her' and then have to do#bt that "riendship. She probably
doesn3t blame yo# "or not prote!ting her. She probably blames Eli6abeth "or h#rting yo#. And hersel"'
"or not prote!ting yo#.=
>e st#died my "a!e "or a moment' and & worried brie"ly that & might have said the wrong thing and
ins#lted him. Then he said' with a slow smile o" admiration' =0o#3re a very intelligent person' Sophie.=
.& do oay "or mysel" most o" the time./ & leaned over and issed him. =0o# got divor!ed. Shit
happens. &t(s not lie yo# got married planning to get divor!ed. 0o# don(t seem lie the temporary
marriage type. *on(t tae this the wrong way' b#t & thin yo#3d mae a pretty awesome h#sband.=
=2h my' that does raise some red "lags' !oming "rom a woman who3s too a"raid o" !ommitment to
a!!ept the o""er o" spa!e in the medi!ine !hest.= >e issed me again' smiling against my mo#th. =B#t &3ll
hold onto hope.=
+y stoma!h l#r!hed. & didn3t want to e-amine that statement too m#!h.
Chapter Twenty
The ne-t morning' 8eil and & went thro#gh o#r #s#al ro#tine. 5e woe #p' pretended we wo#ld get
o#t o" bed' didn(t' taled abo#t getting o#t o" bed some more' didn(t' then "inally got #p when it seemed
lie we might be in serio#s danger o" another weird morning meeting with Emma.
.Sin!e it(s so !lose to l#n!h time already' wo#ld yo# mind i" we $#st sent S#e o#t "or bagels?/ 8eil
had to raise his voi!e over the so#nd o" my hairdryer. >e was shaving at his bathroom sin' a towel
aro#nd his hips' his hair p#shed ba! and wet "rom the shower.
& sh#t o"" the hairdryer and "l#""ed my mostly%dry brown waves' "rowning at mysel" in the mirror.
.Cm' & thin &(ll pass on brea"ast. Something abo#t meeting yo#r da#ghter again is giving me serio#s
b#tter"lies./
.& don(t now why'/ he said' "rowning as he tilted his head ba! to drag the ra6or #p his throat. .&t
isn(t as tho#gh &(m looing "or a new mother "or her. &" she doesn(t lie yo#' or i" yo# don(t lie her'
yo#(re both ad#lts. & ass#me yo# !an both be !ivil to ea!h other./
.As the day is long'/ & agreed' b#t mentally' & added' at least & can be.
S#re' the last time &(d seen Emma had to have been a sho! "or her. &" & had waled into my
mother(s ho#se and overheard her having se- with some random stranger' & wo#ld have p#t my head in
the oven.
8o matter what 8eil said' this was his da#ghter. >er not liing me might a""e!t things between 8eil
and & more than he anti!ipated.
& wrapped #p the hairdryer !ord and too it to my overnight bag to e-!hange "or my !#rling iron.
2ay' so it(s not lie & needed to impress Emma. B#t & wo#ld "eel a lot better i" & looed awesome today.
.This is a treat "or me'/ & !hirped as & pl#gged in the !ord. .& never get to see yo# shave./
.2nly be!a#se yo# don(t stay the night d#ring the wee'/ he reminded me. .0o#(re wel!ome to
stay over any time./
.& now. & still $#st... need my spa!e. And my sleep./ & grinned at him.
.4air eno#gh./ & new "rom his tone that he was trying to a!t lie my re$e!tion didn(t bother him.
>e p#t his ra6or aside and splashed water onto his "a!e.
5hile he wiped away the remaining shaving !ream with a wash!loth' & !as#ally strolled ba! to my
bag. & p#lled o#t my toothbr#sh. &t was still wet "rom when & had #sed it that morning. &t was also brand
new' tho#gh & didn(t e-pe!t 8eil to have noti!ed. >e wat!hed me in the mirror as he patted his "a!e dry'
then dropped his ga6e to the br#shed steel toothbr#sh holder between the two sins. & didn(t meet his
eyes' b#t & new what a big deal this was to him.
>e tried so hard to a!t as disinterested as & was a!ting non!halant. Both o" #s were terrible a!tors.
A giggle b#bbled #p my throat as & dropped the toothbr#sh into the holder. 5hen & looed #p' he
wiped his "a!e and tossed the towel on the !o#nter. .Come here'/ he growled' !at!hing me aro#nd the
waist. >e ha#led me onto my tiptoes' and bent his head to iss me. +y "ingers d#g into his "orearms so &
!o#ld balan!e.
&t seemed so bi6arre to me that s#!h a little thing wo#ld mae him happy. And it was $#st a
toothbr#sh' a"ter all. A part o" my mind arg#ed that it starts with a toothbr#sh. Then &(d be leaving a pair
o" shoes' a portion o" my wardrobe' then Bam2 5e were living together. & "ig#red & !o#ld most liely
spa!e o#t those steps pretty wide' tho#gh' and there was no reason we ever had to go beyond
.toothbr#sh'/ anyway.
>e li"ted his head and grinned down at me. .& "#!ing love yo#./
.& "#!ing love yo#' too./ & s1#ee6ed his arms and stepped ba!. .Come on' we !an(t be naed this
time when she gets here./
8eil was dressed and headed to the it!hen be"ore & was done with my hair' so & h#rried to p#t on a
little lip gloss and mas!ara. & dressed s#per !as#al' in $eans and a "itted bl#e tee. & padded thro#gh the
"oyer on my bare "eet' and heard the so#nd o" a ey in the door.
& serio#sly debated r#nning as "ast as & !o#ld' b#t & didn(t' be!a#se & new & wo#ld get !a#ght. The
door opened and Emma stepped in. She "or!ed a smile o" resignation' a wordless' let8s get this over with'
and said' .>ello./
.>i'/ & said' o""ering a hal"%hearted wave.
She stood silently "or a moment' shr#gged' her eyebrows shooting #p as she gest#red toward the
hallway that led to the other bedrooms. She went in that dire!tion' towing her wheeled s#it!ase behind
her' and & went to the it!hen.
S#e' the ho#seeeper' was at the it!hen island' grating ginger that smelled lie heaven. & was
s#rprised at how e""e!tively the s!ent !almed my nervo#s stoma!h.
S#e was in her thirties' blonde' tan and "it' and probably the best private !he" in the !ity. 2n top o"
that' she did the !leaning and the la#ndry' so & always "elt s#per g#ilty i" we le"t o#r !lothes strewn
a!ross the "loor or something. She wored "rom nine A+ #ntil eight in the evening' so some mornings &
h#rried o#t o" bed and tidied #p be"ore she got in.
.*on(t bother to as her "or a !r#mb' yo#(ll be !r#elly denied'/ 8eil warned me "rom the brea"ast
table.
.0o# said yo# wanted l#n!h at noon. &t(s eleven%"orty. 0o# missed yo#r window./ S#e wined at
me. .& will loo the other way i" yo# get yo#rsel" a bowl o" !ereal' Sophie./
.8o thans./ & didn(t thin my g#ts !o#ld handle "ood with the way my nerves were $#mping. & got
mysel" a !#p o" !o""ee and slid onto the ben!h beside 8eil. .Emma(s here./
.2h?/ >e looed #p' trying to disg#ise his alarm. .She was headed to her room. 5e said Rhi.( *on(t
pani!./ & sipped my !o""ee' trying to be a little !enter o" !alm while S#e !ooed.
She was nearly "inished with l#n!h by the time Emma !ame into the it!hen. 8eil got #p "rom the
table and went to greet her.
.>ello' sweetheart'/ he m#rm#red' wrapping her #p in a h#ge h#g. .>ow was yo#r "light?/
.8o babies' no ha!ing !o#ghs./ She shr#gged and stepped ba!' her hands in her po!ets. .>i'
S#e./
.5el!ome home' Emma'/ S#e said' looing over her sho#lder "rom the stove.
Emma(s ga6e rel#!tantly "ell on me' be!a#se there was nowhere else to go. .Sophie./
.Emma./ 5hat else was & going to say?
.The table is set in the dining room./ Emma gest#red over her sho#lder with her th#mb. .Are we
being e-!eptionally posh "or a reason?/
8eil nodded and !ame ba! "or his !o""ee. .& tho#ght we might all have l#n!h together. 0o# !o#ld
get to now Sophie a little better that way./
Emma(s eyebrows rose. .5hat a wonder"#l idea./
5e moved into the dining room' with Emma leading the way. 8eil p#t his hand on my sho#lder and
s1#ee6ed reass#ringly as we passed thro#gh the door.
.So' Sophie'/ Emma began as she s!ooted her !hair in. She sat to the right o" the head o" the table'
where 8eil too his seat. .Are yo# living here now?/
.5hat?/ & too my !hair' to 8eil(s le"t. .8o' no' no./
The !orners o" 8eil(s mo#th twit!hed. .Sophie stays with me on the weeends. 5e don(t get a
!han!e to spend m#!h time together d#ring the wee./
.Ah./ Emma rea!hed "or the !ara"e o" i!e water on the table and po#red hersel" a glass. .That
e-plains why the T@ room is in shambles./
A totally #ns#btle shade o" red !rept #p 8eil(s ne!.
.&(m only teasing'/ Emma !hided. .& thin it(s sweet' really. And &(ll be o#t o" yo#r hair tonight./
.2h?/ 8eil li"ted an eyebrow' b#t didn(t meet his da#ghter(s ga6e. .5ill yo# be staying with % .
.5ith +i!hael?/ she "inished "or him. .0es. &(ll be staying with +i!hael. +y boy"riend. 2" two
years. S#rely yo# don(t have a problem with a twenty% "o#r%year%old woman spending the night with her
boy"riend?/
.To#!hK./
S#e emerged "rom the it!hen and set a h#ge' s1#are bla! bowl on the table. & had gotten way too
#sed to ama6ing "ood. 5hen & went home on S#nday a"ternoon' & wo#ld end #p standing over my stove'
staring sadly into a little pot o" ma! and !heese. 8eil(s ho#seeeper had spoiled me into ma$or "ood
dissatis"a!tion everywhere else.
B#n!h was a salad o" mi-ed lett#!es' spro#ts' and shredded ohlrabi. 2n top were three !hilled
"illets o" some ind o" white "ish. S#e dished o#t the "ood "or #s % and bro#ght o#t a non%"ish%to#!hing
salad "or Emma % and le"t.
Emma !leared her throat and addressed me. .Sophie' & "eel we got o"" on the wrong "oot the last
time we met. &(m sorry. & didn(t reali6e my "ather was dating anyone' and it !ame as a bit o" a sho!.
Espe!ially so soon a"ter his divor!e./
& pa#sed mid%!hew' and hastily swallowed. & too a sip o" my water be"ore & answered. .&t(s all
right. & honestly don(t now how & wo#ld have rea!ted to !at!hing my mom with a boy"riend lie that./
2h god' why did & have to bring #p the "a!t she(d heard #s having se-? Co#ld the "loor $#st swallow
me #p' please?
8eil swooped in and saved #s. .Sophie is a bea#ty editor at Porteras'/ he said' rea!hing "or his
water glass. .They(ve re!ently gone !ompletely !r#elty "ree./
.>ave they?/ Emma speared some lett#!e with her "or. .That(s very... "orward thining o" yo#./
.+m'/ 8eil intoned non!ommittally. .&t was yo#r mother(s idea./ >e glan!ed at me brie"ly' then
down at his plate. .&(m $#st eeping Porteras warm "or her' while she % /
.,rapples with her inability to do the h#mane thing and e#thani6e her old' yappy dog?/ Emma
rolled her eyes. .>ow is it woring o#t' Sophie?/
5hy was she asing me? >ow the "#! did she e-pe!t me to answer that? Espe!ially now that my
head with spinning at the idea o" 8eil no longer woring at Porteras. 5hy hadn(t he mentioned this to
me?
& new how she expected me to answer' b#t & didn(t want to lie. 8ot $#st to get her on my good side.
So & didn(t really answer at all. .&t(s been... interesting. &t(s been a lot o" wor' b#t we(re dis!overing
some !ool prod#!ts we wo#ld have never so#ght o#t be"ore./
There. *iplomati!. 8ot a lie.
.2h' &(m so pleased to hear it'/ Emma said' beaming at her "ather. Then' as she looed ba! to her
plate' she added' .Bots o" #ntried lipsti!s to "ill #p the pages' and in a neat ripple e""e!t' no one sprays
poison in a rabbit(s eyes./
.Emma' !o#ld yo# at least dim yo#r hostility?/ 8eil ased' so#nding per"e!tly pleasant.
& wondered i" all their "amily l#n!hes went over lie this' or i" & was the magi! ingredient maing it
all possible.
& was ready to settle in "or a ro#gh meal when Emma p#t down her "or' !losed her eyes' and said'
.0o# now what? 0o#(re right. &(m sorry. Sophie' & am sorry. & have been very r#de to yo#./
.2h?/ & don(t now why & so#nded so s#rprised by that. & already new she(d been r#de. .&" it helps
any' &(m very #nderstanding. 0o# !o#ld !ontin#e being r#de to me' and &(d probably get over it./
.5hat an odd thing to say./ She smiled' and it was a!t#ally gen#ine. .& lie that yo#(re so honest./
.8o one wo#ld ever a!!#se Sophie o" withholding the tr#th./ 8eil said over his water glass.
& tho#ght abo#t <ae and ,abriella and whatever they were s!heming' and my g#ts notted #p. )hit.
# should have told him last night4 exhausted or not. & resolved & wo#ld tell him as soon as possible.
.So' how did yo# g#ys meet?/ Emma sat #p in her !hair' very straight' and said' .This is me'
p#tting on my Rtaing an interest( hat. So yo#(d better mae it good./
&(d $#st slid a bite o" "ish into my mo#th' so & !hewed while 8eil answered. .5e met at BAI. 5e
were both on the same "light to Toyo. &t got delayed' and we... too the opport#nity to get to now ea!h
other better./
.,ross'/ she said with a "or!ed smile and a nod. Then her "orehead !reased with !on"#sion. .5ait'
yo# haven(t gone to Toyo sin!e we went last year. 5ere yo# and Eli6abeth% .
8eil looed lie a man who !o#ld see the train !oming' b#t he $#st !o#ldn(t get o"" the tra!s in
time.
5ell' she(d lied my honesty be"ore. & hoped she wo#ld still appre!iate it now. .&t was be"ore they
got together' a!t#ally./
>er narrowed ga6e slid to her "ather' who was swallowing water at a rapid rate. .E-a!tly how long
be"ore?/
.Si- years ago. 5e met si- years ago. & was eighteen'/ & stated "irmly' be"ore 8eil !o#ld try to bl#""
his way o#t o" his da#ghter(s interrogation. Better to get it all o#t now' & "ig#red. .&" it maes yo# "eel
any better' & told him & was twenty%"ive./
Emma p#shed her plate ba! and slowly "olded her hands in her lap. .This was a lovely salad. &t(s a
shame & won(t be able to "inish it./
.The way Sophie and & met.../ 8eil pa#sed and released a resigned sigh. .Things happened the way
they happened' and & don(t regret any o" it. That(s all & !an say witho#t digging mysel" a deeper grave./
& snorted. .Boo' it(s weird. &t(s in!redibly weird. Bet(s $#st "a!e that "a!t and move on./
.,ood idea'/ Emma agreed reasonably. She smoothed her napin in her lap. She "or!ed a smile at
her dad. .+#m wanted to now i" yo#(re !oming "or Christmas' and i" yo# were' wo#ld yo# be bringing
anyone?/
As she ased the 1#estion' her ga6e slowly dri"ted over to me' in the most obvio#s way possible.
8eil answered !a#tio#sly. .5e... >aven(t dis!#ssed anything yet. Tell yo#r mother &(ll tal to her this
wee./
.2h' yo# and Emma(s mom have Christmas together?/ & don(t thin my mom and dad had ever
even been in the same room together a"ter he(d le"t #s.
.Every year'/ 8eil e-plained. .5e tried to parent Emma as a team as m#!h as possible' even a"ter
we separated./
.That(s really !ool./ +y heart h#rt a little. Emma was so l#!y to have had a "ather. B#t it was
totally weird to thin o" 8eil in that !onte-t' at the same time. >ere was a woman my age' who saw him
in a !ompletely di""erent light than & did. A !onte-t & !o#ld never #nderstand' be!a#se & hadn(t had a
"ather. +aybe that(s why this "elt so weird.
.&(m going to go grab my sweater'/ & said' p#shing ba! "rom the table. .&(ll $#st be se!ond./
&(d le"t my loose' !om"y sweater on the !o#nter in 8eil(s bathroom. &t had ind o" been my es!ape
plan' i" & "elt the need to get away gra!e"#lly. &(d tho#ght it had wored' b#t then & heard a no! on the
door.
.Come in'/ & !alled' and 1#i!ly to#!hed #p my lip gloss in the mirror' so he(d thin that(s what had
taen me so long.
.& am so sorry to spring that 1#estion abo#t Christmas on yo#'/ 8eil said as he stepped #p behind
me. .@alerie ased me last wee. & was meaning to bring it #p' b#t & !o#ldn(t thin o" a way to do it
witho#t "rightening yo# o""./
.&t(s oay. 4or all yo# now' & don(t !elebrate Christmas. & might be in a Satani! !#lt./
.0o# !o#ld !ome along'/ he s#ggested. .Stay a wee at my !o#ntry ho#se. 5e !o#ld !elebrate the
new year in 9aris./
+y head sp#n at the tho#ght. & had only been to 9aris on!e' and that had been on b#siness "or the
maga6ine. & hadn(t had the !han!e to really en$oy the whole e-perien!e. & was dying to go ba!.
B#t Christmas with a romanti! partner? That was a bit heavy' !onsidering we(d $#st started seeing
ea!h other in 2!tober.
& didn(t want to h#rt his "eelings. & t#rned and rea!hed #p to p#t my arms aro#nd his ne!. .Than
yo#. That(s very sweet. B#t &(ll be spending the holiday with my "amily ba! in +i!higan./
>e s!r#n!hed his "a!e #p in embarrassment. .0es' o" !o#rse. &(m sorry' that was st#pid o" me./
.8ah./ & shoo my head and rose on my tiptoes to iss his !hee be"ore & t#rned ba! to the mirror.
.&t(s easy to "orget that we don(t a!t#ally live in o#r little "ortress o" solit#de' isn(t it?/
.5o#ld that we !o#ld./ >e stepped !loser' trapping me between his body and the edge o" the
!o#nter. .A"ter the holidays' then. Bet me tae yo# away somewhere./
& tilted my head to the side as he bent to n#66le my ne!. The "eeling o" his lips br#shing my sin'
the smoothness o" his shaved "a!e' p#lled a sigh "rom deep in my !hest. .&s it that easy? 0o# $#st de!ide
we(ll r#n away to somewhere e-!iting' and we go?/
.*o yo# have a passport?/ he m#rm#red against my ne!.
.+mhm./ ,od' the things he !o#ld do to me with those lips' that voi!e. >e !o#ld have proposed a
trip to Siberia in <an#ary' and & wo#ld have agreed.
.Then it(s that simple. &" yo# wanted to go./
+y stoma!h t#rned over with dread. &t all so#nded "ine and romanti! now' b#t what wo#ld happen
a"ter & told him abo#t <ae and Porteras? & had to tell him' even i" this wasn(t the most !onvenient time.
.Bisten... there(s something & have toE.
.Sophie?/
& "rowned at the so#nd o" Emma(s voi!e. & heard her no! on the bedroom door' and 8eil g#iltily
stepped ba!.
.&n here'/ & !alled ba! !heer"#lly. Cgh' & really hope she didn(t thin we(d been getting #p to
something.
& h#rried o#t' into 8eil(s bedroom' as she opened the door !a#tio#sly. .0o#r phone was ringing.
They !alled eight times in a row' so & tho#ght it m#st have been an emergen!y./
.0o# didn(t thin it was an emergen!y the "o#rth time?/ 8eil teased her' and & shot him a loo. &
didn(t want him to !hastise Emma' even in $est' "or anything having to do with me. 8ot when we were at
an #neasy pea!e abo#t o#r weird sit#ation.
.5ho the hell wo#ld !all me eight times in a row?/
The s!reen o" my phone lit #p lie a light b#lb over my head' and the dreaded ringtone started
playing. .&mperial +ar!h/ "rom The .mpire )trikes Back. &(d !hanged it in a "it o" pi1#e on the "irst day
8eil(s !ompany had taen over Porteras.
.Sophie' yo#(re white as a sheet'/ 8eil said in alarm. & swayed on my "eet and he steered me to the
so"a.
.&t(s ,abriella'/ & said' "eeling legitimately di66y. &(d always heard the term .triggered/ applied to
st#"" that reminded people o" horrible things in their past. & didn(t thin there was a single thing in my
li"e that had been so psy!hologi!ally s!arring that & wo#ld have an an-iety atta! to be reminded o" it.
B#t ,abriella(s n#mber was on the s!reen' and she was waiting "or me to tae her !all.
.Emma' !an yo# e-!#se #s?/ 8eil ased so"tly. Emma le"t and !losed the door behind her' and he
sat beside me on the !o#!h while & stared at the phone in my palm. &t went to voi!email' and within
se!onds' the ringtone so#nded again.
8eil n#dged my nee with his. .&t might be important./
.&t might not. She !o#ld be !alling ten times in a row be!a#se she !an(t remember the phone
n#mber "or her dog(s a!#p#n!t#rist./ & tried to la#gh' b#t it !ame o#t as a sob. & dropped my head to my
#no!!#pied hand' morti"ied. & was crying in "ront o" 8eil. <es#s Christ' & was crying in "ront o" him.
.Sophie.../ he so#nded as alarmed as & "elt. >is arms went aro#nd my sho#lders awwardly. .&
didn(t reali6e yo# were so.../
.Cowed by my old boss?/ & la#ghed sadly and wiped my eyes' p#lling o#t o" his embra!e. .>ey'
g#ess what' & have been the s#bmissive in a relationship be"ore. & $#st got paid "or it./
That depressed me so m#!h' & !ried harder. 8eil too my phone "rom my hands' swore at it' and
m#ted the ringer.
.5hat(s going on?/ he ased gently. .There(s something yo#(re not telling me./
& "elt so horrible. >e(d praised my honesty over l#n!h. To his da#ghter. 5hose tr#st he was trying
to earn ba!. .Boo' there(s something & have to tell yo#' and when & do' &(m a"raid yo# won(t lie me
very m#!h./
>e looed slightly alarmed. .Sophie' & !an(t thin o" anything that wo#ld mae me not lie yo#. B#t
i" it(s really that bad' perhaps yo#(d better $#st say whatever it is' so we !an get the "ight o#t o" the way
now./
.0o#(re s!hed#ling o#r "ights?/ & !o#ldn(t help my tear"#l b#rble o" la#ghter. .2ay' $#st...
remember that & love yo#' oay?/
The phone was ringing again. & rea!hed "or it' silen!ed it' and when & set it aside' he too my hands.
&(d never seen him loo so !a#tio#s' lie he was bra!ed "or something really horrible' b#t he didn(t want
to believe it wo#ld be as bad as he anti!ipated. Then & reali6ed & probably looed $#st the same.
.Aemember <ae 7ir!hner?/ & looed into 8eil(s eyes "or some ind o" a!nowledgement. >is
mo#th parted' and a verti!al line appeared between his eyebrows. >e didn(t remember' and he was going
to try a g#ess. & rolled my eyes. .The editor who resigned this wee?/
.0es' oh. The ins#""erable one who always wedged Tr#man Capote re"eren!es into as many
!onversations as possible./ >e shoo his head in am#sement then "ro6e. .0o# told A#dy to eep an eye
on him. & ass#me this phone !all has something to do with his resignation?/
.<ae le"t Porteras be!a#se he(s going to wor with ,abriella on a pro$e!t./ & too a deep breath. &
"ig#red & might as well get it all o#t. .She(s starting #p her own maga6ine. That(s where yo#r advertisers
are going. She(s going to !rib Porteras(s s#bs!ribers and yo#(re going to have to "old. She(s got
someone who !an "eed her the s#bs!ription list' b#t & swear to ,od' 8eil' it(s not me./
.5ell' & didn(t e-pe!t that./ 8eil pin!hed the bridge o" his nose. .>ow long have yo# nown abo#t
all this?/
.& had a vag#e idea something was going on while yo# were in Bondon taing !are o" yo#r mom'/ &
admitted. .That(s why & told A#dy to eep an eye on <ae. And & wanted to tell yo# abo#t the
s#bs!ription list' b#t yo# looed so tired and things were going so well with #s... & didn(t want to stress
yo# o#t any more./
>e looed h#rt. & wasn(t prepared "or that.
.<ae is trying to get me a $ob with ,abriella(s new organi6ation. >e told me earlier this wee and &
hadn(t made #p my mind' so... & "elt lie & !o#ldn(t tell yo#./ &(d pi!ed my $ob over o#r relationship.
This ind o" thing probably happened all the time with people who dated !oworers' right?
E-!ept... 8eil wasn(t $#st a !oworer. >e was my boss.
.2h shit'/ & whispered. .& $#st told my boss that & was !onspiring with a !ompeting p#bli!ation./
>e didn(t loo at me. >e p#lled his hands away "rom mine. @ery 1#ietly' lie he was "ighting "or
!ontrol' he said' .Sophie. 0o#(re "ired./
& !onsidered it a personal vi!tory that & didn(t start !rying again. +y biggest worry was that i" &
!ried' 8eil wo#ldn(t a!t#ally "ire me' and that wo#ld mae me "eel all manip#lative and shitty. & already
"elt manip#lative and shitty eno#gh.
.Answer yo#r phone. 5e(ll tal abo#t this' b#t & need a moment to mysel"./ >e got #p and le"t the
room' and & wondered i" & was s#pposed to r#n a"ter him.
8o. >e needed a moment' & wo#ld give him one. And & wo#ld see what the hell ,abriella wanted.
& too a deep breath. The phone was ringing again. & answered it.
.& don(t remember it ever taing twelve !alls to get in to#!h with the Sophie & new./ ,abriella
spoe slowly' dragging ea!h word o#t lie honey dripping "rom a bottle. .& hope this isn(t a indi!ation o"
what & !an e-pe!t in the "#t#re./
.Sorry' & wasn(t near my phone./ 5hy was & apologi6ing? & didn(t wor "or her anymore. & didn(t
have to answer the damn phone i" & didn(t "eel lie it. ,iven my !#rrent state o" #nemployment' & wasn(t
going to mention that part.
.The details don(t !on!ern me. & need yo# to meet me "or br#n!h tomorrow a"ternoon. 2ne o(!lo!.
+y assistant will te-t yo# the resta#rant./
And then she h#ng #p. & don(t now what & was e-pe!ting' b#t &(d tho#ght she might not treat me
lie her employee' sin!e & wasn(t anymore. & g#ess that "aith was woe"#lly mispla!ed.
& "o#nd 8eil in the living room. A "ew wees ago' he(d repla!ed the white !o#!hes Eli6abeth had
!hosen with a bla! leather so"a and mat!hing arm!hairs with deep seats that were per"e!t "or !#rling #p
in' b#t whi!h probably in"#riated his da#ghter. 8eil was on the !o#!h' slo#!hed in the !orner o" it' one
"oot #p on the !#shion' his wrist bra!ed on his bent nee as he stared at the "lames in the "irepla!e.
.>ey'/ & said "rom the door.
>e looed #p. .That was "ast./
.She $#st wanted to as me to l#n!h tomorrow./ & shr#gged. Then' witho#t thining' & bl#rted' .&(ll
probably go home tonight. 0o# now' be well% rested./
>e ga6ed silently at me "or a long time. & "elt lie & was on trial. & s#ppose & did that to mysel"' so &
end#red it.
4inally' he said' .9lease eep in mind as we have this !onversation that & do still love yo#' and & am
in no way s#ggesting we end o#r relationship. & wo#ld rather !#t o"" my own th#mb than brea #p with
yo#./
.So' "ired "rom the maga6ine' not "ired as yo#r girl"riend. ,ot it./ & breathed a long' shay sigh o"
relie".
That str#! me as odd. & wasn(t as bothered abo#t losing my $ob as & wo#ld have been by losing
8eil? 5here the "#! were my priorities?
.B#t'/ he began' and he let that .b#t/ hang between #s a moment. .0o# didn(t tell me yo# had a
potential $ob o""er at a !ompeting !ompany. And yo# new the sit#ation was serio#s. & !an(t help b#t
"eel a bit betrayed./
.&t wasn(t personal'/ & said 1#i!ly. .9lease' don(t "eel lie & was thining & wo#ld p#ll something
behind yo#r ba!./
>e nodded. .& don(t thin that. & thin that yo# !onsidered yo#r !areer options' and yo# !onsidered
how this might a""e!t o#r relationship' and yo# !hose yo#r !areer./
.&sn(t that what &(m s#pposed to do?/ & tho#ght that was what & was s#pposed to do. 8ot give #p
!areer opport#nities "or a g#y' not let love get in the way o" b#siness... &t(s how &(d ordered my
priorities. .& love yo#' 8eil' b#t & didn(t want to throw away an opport#nity "or mysel" be!a#se & was
dating yo#./
.0o# didn(t have to throw away the opport#nity. B#t yo# !o#ld have at least had the de!en!y to
give me some !l#e' some warning./ >e got #p "rom the !o#!h and went to the door' sh#tting it "irmly. &
had the same sense that he did' that this !onversation might get... lo#d.
.& did give yo# warning'/ & reminded him. .& told yo# the way Porteras was r#nning' yo# were
going to have tro#ble. And we weren(t s#pposed to tal abo#t b#siness' remember?/
.That is s#!h b#llshit' Sophie. 0o# o""ered !on$e!t#re on the "#t#re o" the maga6ine when yo# new
there was a greater threat that a!t#ally e-isted. And the only reason yo# didn(t tell me was be!a#se yo#
apparently didn(t tr#st me to handle the problem in a way that wo#ldn(t !a#se negative !onse1#en!es "or
yo#. & have been a "ar better boss than ,abriella' and yo#r loyalty still lies with her./
So' this was a pro"essional bee"? & didn(t now how to get aro#nd that one. .& told A#dy. & "ollowed
the !hain o" !ommand at Porteras "or this ind o" thing. & wo#ldn(t have done anything di""erent i" &(d
still been woring #nder ,abriella./
.& thin'/ he began' weighing ea!h word !are"#lly be"ore he said them' .that yo#(re right when yo#
say yo# were s#bmissive to ,abriella. &n a p#rely non%se-#al' and a !ompletely #nhealthy way. 5hat
$ob has she o""ered yo#?/
2h' this wasn(t going to be "#n to admit. .She hasn(t o""ered me any $ob' yet. <ae tho#ght she
might want me to !ome ba! as her assistant./
>e nodded slowly. .So' yo# rised yo#r $ob at Porteras and yo#r relationship with me to be an
assistant to a demanding' borderline ab#sive boss who !alls yo# #ntil yo# !ry? 5hen yo#(re already a
bea#ty editor with my p#bli!ation?/
.Assistant bea#ty editor'/ & reminded him 1#ietly.
.Then maybe it is better that yo# don(t wor "or me' a"ter all./
.0o#(re right. That was a sad tr#th we were going to have to "a!e event#ally' anyway. & !an(t wor
with yo# and loo o#t "or mysel". &(m always going to be in a position where & !an spy "or yo#' so &(m
always going to be wondering i" & sho#ld #se what & now "or me' or "or yo#./
.Spy "or me?/ he was a#dibly disg#sted. .& have ased yo# to do no s#!h thingD/
.0o#(re asing me to right nowD/ >ow !o#ldn(t he see that? .0o# want me to be yo#r girl"riend
some o" the time' yo#r employee the rest o" the time./
.0o#(re asing me the same thingD/ >is ga6e shi"ted to the door' and he lowered his voi!e. .0o#
don(t want me to treat yo# di""erently than any other employee' b#t when & don(t listen to yo#r
doomsday predi!tions "or the maga6ine' yo#(re h#rt and o""ended./
& was h#rt and o""ended now. 8ot be!a#se he wasn(t right. >e was. 5e were !learly two people
who were not e1#ipped to navigate the o!eans o" ethi!al problems we had made "or o#rselves.
.& thin o#r sit#ations are a little di""erent here. &(m maing the !hoi!e to "ight "or my "orty%
tho#sand a year $ob' yo# might tae a hit on a "ew o" the millions sitting in yo#r ban a!!o#nt./
.Billions'/ he was in"#riatingly 1#i! to !orre!t. .And & regret to in"orm yo# that "orty%tho#sand is
"ar less than a "ew million. & still have more to lose. Besides' do yo# really believe that yo# wo#ld be in
danger o" homelessness or starvation i" yo# lost yo#r $ob?/
.0es' 8eil' that(s what people doD &" they don(t have as m#!h as yo# do' people start to !are abo#t
losing a paltry s#m lie "orty%tho#sand dollarsD/ & didn(t !are i" Emma overheard' or S#e in the it!hen.
.And i" they lose their $obs' they sometimes lose their apartments or their "riends when they !an(t repay
rent money./
>e p#shed his hand thro#gh his hair. & had never seen him this angry' even when we(d arg#ed in the
it!hen that morning he(d !#t his hand. .And yo# !o#ld prevent all o" that "rom happening with a phone
!all. &" things were really bad' i" yo# were going to be thrown onto the street' yo# !o#ld !ome to meD B#t
yo# don(t want to admit it' be!a#se yo# now that i" yo# ased me "or anything' i" yo# ased me "or a
million dollars right this instant' & wo#ld give it to yo#. & wo#ld do that be!a#se & love yo#' and that
terri"ies yo# be!a#se yo# don(t want to love meD/
& "elt lie someone had $ammed their sho#lder dire!tly into my stern#m. & tho#ght & might have
tro#ble breathing' b#t l#!ily' the pain was !ompletely emotional. .5hat the hell are yo# taling
abo#t?/
.0o# do it with everyone in yo#r li"e. *o yo# really thin >olli will i! yo# into the street? 8o' o"
!o#rse yo# don(t really thin that' b#t the tho#ght maes it easier to hold her at arm(s length rather than
tr#st that she loves yo# and wo#ld never treat yo# that way. 5hen people !are abo#t yo#' yo# get
s!ared. &t(s why yo#(ve never had a serio#s relationship be"ore. And yo#(re doing it to me now./ >e
looed so... wo#nded.
>e swallowed' and his voi!e so#nded pain"#lly dry when he spoe again. .0o# new & wo#ld be
"#rio#s with yo# over something lie this./
.0o# are "#rio#s'/ & pointed o#t. +y vision got all wavy. 1o. & was not' #nder any !ir!#mstan!es'
going to start !rying.
+hy, Because then he8ll see you8re vulnerable, And he8ll know he8s someone worth crying over,
2h god. >e was right. >e was !ompletely right.
.0es. &(m in!redibly angry with yo# right now. B#t &(m not st#pid' Sophie' and neither are yo#.
0o# new yo# sho#ld have told me what was happening at Porteras' b#t yo# were too a"raid to admit
that yo# might !are abo#t me more than yo# !are abo#t yo#r $obD/ >e pa#sed' !learly "r#strated. .& love
yo#. &" yo# had !ome to me and told me this was going on' & wo#ldn(t have prevented yo# "rom leaving
the !ompany to wor "or ,abriella again. & wo#ldn(t have lied it' b#t & wo#ldn(t have stopped yo#. &
tr#st yo# to do what(s right "or yo#. 0o# !an tr#st me to do what(s right "or yo#' too./
That made the tears start "lowing. *amnit.
>e !ame over and too me in his arms' and & didn(t resist him. >e held me and let me !ry all over
his shirt that had probably !ost more than my rent. >e issed the top o" my head. .& don(t want yo# to go
to home tonight./
.& don(t want to go home' either./ & b#ried my "a!e against his !hest and grate"#lly a!!epted the
tightening o" his arm aro#nd me. .& hate "ighting with yo#./
.5e(ll get past this. &t will still be a sore spot "or me' "or a while' b#t we will get past it. <#st
promise me that yo# won(t let ,abriella s#! yo# in again. 0o# deserve better than the way she treated
yo#./ >e pa#sed. .+ae s#re yo# get anything she o""ers in writing. Bene"its' salary' bon#ses % .
.8eil?/ & said gently' looing #p. .&(m sorry. &t(s very di""i!#lt "or me not to % . .+eddle?/ &
la#ghed thro#gh my tears. >e sighed. .& was going to say help yo# avoid ma$or mistaes./ .& don(t want
to avoid ma$or mistaes. This is my li"e. & only have one !han!e to live it' and &(d lie to be the one in
the driver(s seat. & love yo#. B#t & don(t want yo# to live my li"e "or me./
At least he had the sense to loo remorse"#l.
& new what & was going to say ne-t be"ore & "#lly !ommitted to saying it. & had never bared my
"eelings so honestly to anyone be"ore. B#t & had to. &t was !r#!ial that 8eil now how important he was
to me' espe!ially now that & had totally "#!ed him over. And espe!ially now that & new &(d done it on
p#rpose to p#sh him away.
.& want yo# to live my li"e with me'/ & "inished' and & "elt lie my heart was going to leap "rom my
throat' & was so s!ared. This !ompletely !ontradi!ted the .sa"e relationship path/ !hart & had drawn #p in
my head' b#t & didn(t !are.
>e too a breath. & !o#ldn(t read the emotions that !rossed his "a!e. 4inally' he simply smiled and
said' .& want the same thing' Sophie./
.,ood./ That helped ease some o" the si! "eeling. .&(m really sorry "or not telling yo#./
.& now yo# didn(t do it to deliberately h#rt me./ >e released me and stepped ba!. .0o# did it
be!a#se yo# were prote!ting yo#rsel". &t might not seem so to yo#' b#t there is a world o" di""eren!e
between the two. &(m angry and h#rt' and &(m not entirely "orgiving yo# at this moment' b#t nowing
why yo# did it helps./
.And & !an appre!iate why yo# "ired me./ 2w' it st#ng a bit to say it now. The sho! was wearing
o"".
5e sat together on the !o#!h in silen!e "or a while' both o" #s !learly #nhappy with how the day
had gone' both o" #s desperately wanting to mae it all di""erent' witho#t really nowing how.
.& have to !all A#dy'/ 8eil said s#ddenly' "or!ing some !heer"#lness into his voi!e. .This may tae
a while. B#t why don(t we go o#t tonight? Emma is going to be b#sy with horrible +i!hael. 0o# and &
!o#ld go see a movie or have dinner o#t. Anything "rom sitting aro#nd and stewing abo#t this./
&n a strange way' it was a relie" that he wasn(t my boss anymore. 8ow he !o#ld $#st be my
boy"riend' and & !o#ld $#st be his girl"riend.
Even i" things were strained between #s at the moment.
2" !o#rse' this meant my l#n!h with ,abriella tomorrow wo#ld be li"e%or%death. 2ay' li"e%or%
#nemployment. Same di""eren!e.
Chapter Twenty%2ne
=Boo at yo#'= 8eil said with a low whistle as & leaned !lose to the mirror' applying eyeliner. =0o#
never get this dressed #p on the weeend "or me.=
=Be!a#se & don3t have to.= & blined a "ew times. The !old sensation o" the li1#id at the edge o" my
eyelid "aded as it dried. =0o# lie me with or witho#t.=
=That & do.= >e3d been leaning against the sin' wat!hing me' seemingly "as!inated by the whole
pro!ess as & p#t on my mae#p. & s#spe!ted he $#st lied wat!hing me. =&" ,abriella 5inters had any
intelligen!e at all' she wo#ld appre!iate yo# the same way.=
=5ell' hope"#lly she3ll appre!iate me sans earrings' be!a#se & didn3t bring any.= & "rowned' and
hoped & !o#ld eep my hair "rom moving "or the entire l#n!h' so she wo#ldn3t noti!e.
.& might be able to help with that./ 8eil straightened and went o#t o" the bathroom. By the time he
ret#rned' &3d applied my mas!ara. & noti!ed the distin!tive light%bl#e bo- in his hand. >e t#rned it aro#nd
in his palm and !a#tio#sly met my ga6e in the mirror. =This was s#pposed to be a Christmas gi"t' b#t... &
thin it might mae a better good l#! !harm.=
8othing on this planet wo#ld ever riddle me with s#!h an-iety as the sight o" 8eil holding a small
$ewelry bo- with an earnest e-pression on his "a!e. >e li"ted the lid and too o#t a bl#e velvet
drawstring bag' whi!h he #p%ended into his palm. 5hen two gleaming st#d earrings shoo o#t' & had to
"or!ibly stop my sigh o" relie".
=2h my god.= & stared down at the tr#ly bea#ti"#l gems in their gleaming ro#nd settings. =&s that
white gold?=
=9latin#m' and pin sapphires.= >e held them o#t to me. =*o yo# lie them?=
=They3re absol#tely bea#ti"#l.= & too them' "eeling oddly !hoed #p. =8eil' this is too m#!h.=
=0o# don3t want me to tell yo# how to live yo#r li"e' don3t tell me how to spend my money'= he
s!olded gently' leaning "orward to iss my !hee. =& now that yo# will do bea#ti"#lly today. ,abriella
is a "ool i" she doesn3t hire yo#.=
& admired the earrings a moment be"ore p#tting them on' and 8eil !ontin#ed' =2" !o#rse' & thin
yo# might be a bit o" a "ool to !onsider woring "or her when &3ve o""ered to help yo# "ind another $ob...=
=That3s eno#gh'= & warned sweetly. A"ter o#r near n#!lear "ight the day be"ore' we3d !ome to a tr#!e.
>e wo#ldn3t give me #nsoli!ited !areer advi!e' and i" & got into dire "inan!ial straits' & wo#ld remember
to as him "or help be"ore doing anything drasti! lie a high interest !redit !ard.
=&3m sorry we "o#ght.= >e said 1#ietly. =Those... might be a bit o" an apology as well.=
& smiled as & "astened the ba! o" one st#d. =&3m not sorry' a!t#ally. &t was ni!e to have a "ight with
my boy"riend' not my boss. & didn3t have to hold ba!.=
>e gave me that hal"%smile and wat!hed as & p#t on the other earring.
Then' so"ter' & said' =These are bea#ti"#l. Than yo# so m#!h.=
>e !ame to stand behind me' his arms en!ir!ling my waist. =& love yo#' Sophie. 8o matter how we
might "ight' & love yo#. 5e3re having some growing pains' b#t &3d m#!h rather arg#e than not tal abo#t
o#r problems. That didn3t wor o#t so well "or me the last time.=
+y heart did a ridi!#lo#s little "l#tter. >e wanted #s to wor o#t. To what end' & didn3t now' and &
didn3t want to spe!#late. Things were moving pretty "ast already.
=&s this the part where & mention the s#per awesome mae%#p se-?= & giggled. =& want to mae s#re
&3ve got my !li!hKs right.=
=& thin this is the part where yo#3re going to be late "or yo#r l#n!h' and &3m going to be late "or my
meeting' i" we don3t behave o#rselves.= >e gave me one last pe! on the !hee and went to his !loset to
dress.
The meeting he was having at Porteras this a"ternoon was an emergen!y one he3d arranged last
night. >e was going to meet with the rest o" management and dis!#ss the in"ormation &3d given him %
and my "iring. They were also planning to #n!over $#st who was stealing the s#bs!riber list. A lot o" the
sta"" had wored #p "rom the mailroom' or assistant positions that(d had a!!ess to the list. 4erreting o#t
the !#lprit was going to be di""i!#lt.
& p#t the meeting o#t o" my mind' to "o!#s on my own. 8eil wo#ld be o#t most o" the a"ternoon' b#t
we(d made dinner plans. & hoped everything wo#ld be sewn #p by then' so we !o#ld get ba! to normal.
+y phone b#66ed' and & pi!ed it #p. &t was a te-t "rom >olli) )ome raccoons have moved into your
room4 is it cool if they stay there,
& snorted and shot ba!) #$ll be home today. BT+ # got fired.
Almost immediately' she responded) +haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat,
&t wo#ld be easier to e-plain in person.
J J J J
,abriella wanted to meet at a br#n!h pla!e in the +eat 9a!ing distri!t. &t was part 4ren!h bistro'
part daylight%ho#rs night!l#b. There was a line o#tside the door' b#t when & gave my name to the
r#nway model%looing hostess' & was #shered right inside.
,abriella' <ae' and 9enelope sat at a !orner table in the b#sy dining room. ,abriella and 9enelope
had taen the tall%ba!ed booth seat against the wall' while <ae was installed in one o" the !hairs on the
other side. They were all well%dressed' impe!!ably groomed' l#-#riating in an air o" their own sel"%
importan!e that was bolstered by the timid glan!es and whispers at the tables aro#nd them.
They looed lie "#!ing vampires.
=Sophie' it3s so ni!e to see yo# again.= ,abriella rose "rom her !hair and leaned over the table when
& approa!hed' issing the air on either side o" my "a!e. She3d never greeted me 1#ite so e""#sively. &
wasn3t s#re she3d ever a!t#ally greeted me' !ome to thin o" it. >er !hin%length' r#by red bob swayed
lie the pend#l#m in 9oe3s story as she sat ba! down.
=Sophie' yo# loo good'= <ae said' standing to p#ll me into a h#g. & went along with it' be!a#se to
him' we were still old "riends. >e didn3t now & tho#ght he3d be!ome an ins#""erable di!. =0o# loo
great' have yo# lost weight?=
=Cm. 8o?= & smoothed the "ront o" my $a!et. =*id yo# thin & needed to lose weight?=
+ow4 moody much, & !o#ldn3t "ig#re o#t why' b#t "or some reason' everything anybody said lately
poed the badger. 9robably be!a#se & was so tired and stressed o#t.
=8o' no. <#st noti!ing'= <ae said with a "ro6en sort o" =oh' shit'= smile.
As & too my seat at the table' & reali6ed what my problem was. &3d been woring with real people'
spending time with real people. ,abriella and <ae were $#st broadly drawn !ari!at#res o" their own
maing. &t was so sad that they !o#ldn3t see how ridi!#lo#s it all was. &t made me even sadder to thin
that &3d bo#ght into their =we3re so important= !li1#e mentality "or my entire !areer so "ar. >ad & really
wanted to be $#st lie them? *id & still?
The tho#ght made me 1#easy. B#t then' & was always 1#easy lately. & was pretty s#re & was getting a
stress #l!er.
Cari!at#res or not' they were willing to give me a $ob. So & needed to nod' smile and play along. &
had spent two years swallowing my opinion o" ,abriella 5intersH & !o#ld go another ten i" & had to.
=>ow have yo# been "inding Porteras4 Sophie? Be honest.= ,abriella3s h#ge bl#e eyes narrowed as
she waited to s!r#tini6e my answer. There wasn3t a single line on her "a!e' b#t & got the impression she
was "rowning.
& !o#ld be honest. & didn3t wor there anymore. =5ell... & was promoted to assistant bea#ty editor % =
=& now all this.= ,abriella waved her hand. =5hat & want to hear is how the maga6ine is doing
internally.=
=2h. 5ell' there are some growing pains.= & new that wasn3t what she wanted to hear. She wanted
me to openly !ondemn the new !ompany and give her se!rets she !o#ld weaponi6e. 5hether & still
wored "or Porteras or not' & wasn3t abo#t to sabotage 8eil "or their saes. =& thin they3re going to lose
some s#bs!ribers as they !ontin#e to tiner with the "ormat' b#t they3ll attra!t new ones' as well. There
is a maret "or !r#elty%"ree "ashion' and &(m pro#d that Porteras is going to be on the !#tting edge o"
that movement.=
=>ow... diplomati! o" yo#.= ,abriella looed am#sed at my answer.
=And is Elwood giving yo# any more problems?= <ae ased. To his !redit he so#nded a!t#ally
!on!erned. & had to give him a bit o" a brea thereH he didn3t now 8eil and & were dating. 4rom his point
o" view' he3d seen me !ome o#t o" the boss3s lo!ed o""i!e all shaen #p and "l#shed and "reaed o#t.
Then &3d gotten a promotion the ne-t wee.
Better to !lear that #p right away. =& never had a problem with +r. Elwood. & barely wored "or him
at all be"ore & was promoted' and that was on ,abriella3s re!ommendation. And than yo# so m#!h "or
that' ,abriella. &t really meant a lot to me that yo# tho#ght me !apable o" the $ob.=
She gave me a benevolent smile. =& new yo#3d do well there' Sophie. &t wasn3t a "avor to promote
yo#.=
A waiter !ame over with men#s' and & t#!ed my hair behind my ear as & s!anned it. Almost
immediately' & noti!ed 9enelope3s eyes light #p.
9enelope and & had gotten along oay when she3d been se!ond assistant in ,abriella3s o""i!e. Tall
and willowy with ginger hair and !at%lie green eyes' she had o"ten been mistaen "or a model in her
early days at Porteras. B#t she had a photographer3s eye "or detail' and she 6eroed in now on the pin
sapphire wining in my ear. =5hat lovely earrings. Ti""any' right?=
=2h my' 8eil Elwood m#st pay his assistant editors m#!h better than & did'= ,abriella m#rm#red'
raising one eyebrow and p#rsing her lips as her ga6e "li!ered over the men#. & honestly don3t now why
she ever bothered to loo at the damn thingsH any resta#rant in 8ew 0or wo#ld mae her whatever she
ased "or' and she new it.
& ordered a !heddar and ale salad with baed eggs. ,abriella had her !#stomary salmon. <ae'
having the totally #n"air metabolism o" a d#de' got eggs benedi!t with the m#""ins swapped o#t "or
portobello !aps' and 9enelope st#! to water' sin!e she was doing a deto-i"ying !leanse. As we ate' we
!hatted amiably abo#t what ,abriella had been #p to sin!e leaving Porteras.
As m#!h as woring "or her had stressed me o#t' & did lie ,abriella. & respe!ted the hell o#t o" her
"or getting what she wanted o#t o" li"e' and not allowing the #s#al roadblo!s o" gender and stereotype
to hold her ba!. And & had to admire how 1#i!ly she3d gotten a new maga6ine organi6ed and sta""ed'
even i" their "irst iss#e wasn3t d#e #ntil 4ebr#ary.
=&t will be !ompletely digital'= she said with lang#id pride. =& m#st admit' &3ve never lied the idea
o" a totally paperless p#bli!ation. & tho#ght it !heapened the brand when Porteras began o""ering a
digital edition' b#t we $#st weren3t thining o#tside o" the bo- then. <ae has shown me that a maga6ine
!an be bea#ti"#lly presented' with 1#ality !ontent' and trans!end the limitations o" print.=
=5ow' <ae. & had no idea yo# were so talented with the !omp#ter st#""'= & said' tr#ly impressed.
>e smired and li"ted his water glass to his lips' pa#sing be"ore he dran to say' =5ell' in my new
role at (ode' &3m able to tae some pretty big riss.=
=0o#3re wel!ome'= ,abriella said easily. She dropped her napin on her plate. =Sophie' yo# !o#ld
be taing those riss' as well. >ow wo#ld yo# "eel abo#t... assistant !reative dire!tor?=
& was so grate"#l & didn3t have a mo#th"#l o" anything' be!a#se & wo#ld have sprayed it all over the
table.
=E-!#se me?= & looed "rom ,abriella to <ae. A!ross the table' 9enelope was smiling the benign
smile o" someone !ontent to wait "or her day to !ome. =0o#3re not serio#s.=
=Totally serio#s' Sophie'= <ae ass#red me' looping one arm over my sho#lders in a b#ddy%b#ddy
gest#re. =& told ,abriella abo#t the wor yo#3ve been doing in the bea#ty department' and how hard it3s
been "or yo# g#ys to "ind worthwhile prod#!ts to "eat#re. She pi!ed #p the <an#ary iss#e % =
=,hastly'= ,abriella said #nder her breath. =8ot yo#r se!tion' o" !o#rse.=
=And we agreed that with the parameters yo#3ve been given' yo# e-!eeded beyond e-pe!tation'=
<ae !ontin#ed.
=Aight' b#t there are two other people woring with me in the bea#ty department. &t3s not $#st my
wor yo#3re looing at. &ndia does a great $ob % =
=&ndia does a great $ob drining d#ring the wor day'= ,abriella said' her ga6e sliding slyly to
9enelope' who smired and shoo her head. =And we already have <essi!a 8g#yen woring "or #s in
another !apa!ity. Sophie' &3m not going to beg yo#. 0o# either tr#st me when & say that & now yo# !an
do the $ob and a!!ept the position' or yo# toddle o#t o" here and go ba! to Porteras.=
=She !an3t go ba! to Porteras'= 9enelope said' sipping her !o""ee. =0o#3re getting "ired' aren3t
yo#?=
+y stoma!h dropped. =>ow the hell !o#ld yo# possibly now that? &t $#st happened.=
=Twenty min#tes ago.= She held #p her phone' displaying a te-t message. &t said' )caife$s out.
=5ho % = & shoo my head. 5ho wasn3t important. 5ell' it was. B#t that wo#ld be important later.
.& had an idea & was getting !anned.=
=Be!a#se o" yo#r involvement with 8eil Elwood?= ,abriella ased 1#ietly.
=5hat? 8o. &3m not involved with him.= & looed to <ae' be!a#se & !o#ldn3t handle the pointed
stares "rom the other side o" the table.
>e shi"ted #n!om"ortably and !o#ldn3t meet my eyes.
=<ae tells me yo# had a lo!ed%door interl#de with Elwood'= ,abriella said' "i-ing me with her -%
ray vision that & swore wo#ld see right into my so#l. =0o#r wor attendan!e !hanged drasti!ally on!e he
was installed. 0o# too a long l#n!h with him on the se!ond day he was there' and yo# too two hal"%
days and a si! day...=
=& was a little shaen by the "a!t that the boss & lied woring "or s#ddenly wasn3t my boss anymore'
and & didn(t now how se!#re my $ob was'= & said' as politely as possible. =>ow do yo# now all o"
this?=
=>al" the remaining sta"" at Porteras is still loyal to ,abriella' Soph'= <ae said' looing #tterly
ba""led that & didn3t reali6e this mysel". =&t3s not lie they3re #nwilling to share this in"ormation.=
>ow the "#! had this gone "rom a $ob interview' no' a $ob o""er' to a goddamned interrogation by
the (ean Girls !li1#e?
=And those are very e-pensive earrings'= 9enelope observed.
=8o one is !ondemning yo#' Sophie. 5e3re simply !on!erned that yo#r loyalties might not lie in the
right pla!e.= ,abriella st#died me as tho#gh she were going to paint me "rom memory later. =0o#
#nderstand' o" !o#rse' that "#t#re involvement with +r. Elwood' or any employee o" an Elwood and
Stern !ompany' will be... dis!o#raged' sho#ld yo# a!!ept my o""er?=
=There3s nothing to dis!o#rage'= & insisted. Shit. 5o#ld she hire a private investigator to "ollow me?
2r wo#ld she $#st have one o" her simpering sy!ophants do it?
That made me "eel bad. 8ot too long ago' &3d been one o" those sy!ophants. >ow o"ten had & done
things "or her that had h#rt my !o%worers? 9robably plenty' and witho#t 1#estion' be!a#se &(d wanted
to be good at my $ob. +y mind ra!ed over all the times she3d ased me to eep an eye on the elevators'
to see what time this editor or that assistant arrived to wor. The times she3d sent me on errands to
"ashion ho#ses and ased me who3d been waiting in the lobby with me. 9robably all those times had
been abo#t espionage more than errands.
>oly "#!' &3d been living in a "reaing soap opera and &3d never noti!ed. Be!a#se & had wanted the
glamor and the drama' or maybe & had tho#ght & was s#pposed to want it.
& "elt s#per di66y. & g#lped down some water and hoped my "a!e didn3t loo as red as it "elt.
=&t isn3t that & don3t want the $ob'= & began !a#tio#sly. =2bvio#sly & need a $ob' sin!e &3m
#nemployed. B#t & really have to thin abo#t this. &t3s s#!h a h#ge responsibility' and & don3t want to tae
it lightly. Can & let yo# now tomorrow?=
=That3s reasonable' right' ,abriella?= <ae ased nervo#sly.
She sighed. =& really had hoped "or more enth#siasm. B#t then' yo#r !a#tio#s nat#re was one o" the
reasons & hired yo# as my assistant.=
5e !hatted a bit more' b#t it was !lear that as the point had been rea!hed' the =interview= was over.
<ae o""ered to wal me o#t' and while & didn3t want to be anywhere near him' & !o#ldn3t re"#se.
=Bisten... is there anything going on with yo# and 8eil Elwood?= <ae ased. =0o# seem... o"". And
yo# didn3t e-a!tly la#gh at those a!!#sations.=
=Be!a#se they3re not "#nny'= & said "irmly as he hailed a !ab "or me. =& don3t have to sleep aro#nd to
be s#!!ess"#l.=
=4ine' "ine. & won3t as again.= >e held his hands #p. A ta-i !oasted #p to the !#rb' and & rea!hed "or
the door as <ae !ontin#ed' =*on3t blow this' Sophie' that !o#ld be the biggest mistae o" yo#r li"e.=
=8o press#re.= & tried not to snap' b#t & bet & so#nded snappish. =& really am going to have to thin
abo#t this. &t3s a ma$or de!ision.=
=And yo# have to !he! with 8eil Elwood?= The !orner o" <ae3s mo#th li"ted in a wry smile' lie
he had !a#ght me doing something & sho#ldn3t have.
2ay' sleeping with my boss was something & sho#ldn3t have done. ,etting into a relationship with
him' that was worse. B#t & didn3t regret it "or an instant' and no $ob was worth losing what & had with
8eil or h#rting him "#rther. +y mind was already made #p' now & $#st wanted to get the hell away "rom
these people. =,oodbye' <ae.=
& didn3t loo ba! at him as & got into the !ab.
J J J J
+eeting 8eil "or dinner sho#ld have been re"reshingly stress "ree. 4or the "irst time' & wasn3t
worried abo#t r#nning into someone "rom wor. &n a !ity o" eight million people' it was strangely easy
to get !a#ght by someone yo# least wanted to see when yo# were doing the thing yo# least wanted to get
!a#ght doing. Tonight' we !o#ld honestly say that we didn3t wor together.
& was at the resta#rant' a !o6y' intimate pla!e with so"t lighting and a 1#iet dining room' "or abo#t
twenty min#tes witho#t any sign o" 8eil. 5hi!h was totally bi6arreH barring that one time & beat him to
his apartment a"ter wor' he was never late. & !he!ed my phone. >e hadn3t !alled me.
That str#! me as odd. S#rely he !o#ldn3t still be tied #p at Porteras. 5o#ldn3t he have let me
now?
& tried not to eep my eyes on the door' b#t & spotted him the moment he !ame into view. >e looed
apologeti! and ashamed as he approa!hed' b#t he looed tired' too. *e"initely not himsel".
=& am so sorry.= >e slid into the seat a!ross "rom me. =5e had a hell o" a day' and & !ompletely
"orgot we were meeting "or dinner.=
=2#!h'= & said #nder my breath. =>ow 1#i!ly we go "rom 3& "#!ing love yo#'3 to 3& "orgot abo#t
yo#.3=
>is "a!e s!r#n!hed #p as he reali6ed how what he3d said had so#nded. =8o. 8o' &3m sorry' that
didn3t...= >e too a deep breath thro#gh his nose' as tho#gh mentally wiping the slate !lean. =&3m sorry &
didn3t !all. &(m not "eeling right.=
=Another heada!he?= & reali6ed & was leaning "orward slightly' e-amining him' as tho#gh & !o#ld
diagnose his illness.
=& have to remember to s!hed#le an appointment to see someone.= >e rea!hed a!ross the table and
too my hand in his. >is th#mb br#shed a!ross my n#!les' and & drew a shay breath.
& was maing the right !hoi!e' t#rning down ,abriella3s o""er' wasn3t &? A part o" me was
disappointed that when the !hips were down' when & had to mae a really important de!ision abo#t #s'
!harming' panty%melting 8eil hadn3t shown #p to dinner to mae the !hoi!e easier. &n his pla!e' weird'
stand%o""ish 8eil%with%a%heada!he had t#rned #p. Another part o" me was glad it was playing o#t this
way. Be!a#se the shine o" a new relationship wasn3t going to last "orever' and & needed to be able to
mae my !hoi!e abo#t this $ob % and ,abriella3s ridi!#lo#s re1#irement % with that in mind. 5o#ld & t#rn
down the o""er i" & new 8eil and & wo#ldn3t be together in three months? Aight now' where & was
sitting' a"ter waiting twenty min#tes "or a no%!all' no%show boy"riend... the answer was still yes. & loved
him' insane as it probably was to love someone &3d only been in a relationship with "or a two months.
B#t something abo#t #s $#st wored. & !o#ldn3t imagine not being with him in three months. & !o#ldn3t
imagine not being with him in three years. &t $#st seemed right that we were together' and & s#spe!ted he
"elt the same way.
=*on3t worry abo#t it. 0o# had a stress"#l day.= & shr#gged. =&t3s not lie we3re going to always be
per"e!t.=
>e s1#ee6ed my hand be"ore releasing it to pi! #p his men#. =& had a stress"#l day? & wasn3t the
one interviewing "or a $ob. >ow did it go?=
=&t went... not great.= & wasn3t s#re how m#!h & sho#ld tell him abo#t the reason it hadn3t gone great.
Tho#gh 8eil had agreed to let me mae my own mistaes and not meddle' it wo#ld be a lot easier "or
him to say he was going to stop meddling than to a!t#ally do it. =She o""ered me a $ob' b#t &3m not going
to tae it.=
>e set the men# aside' brow "#rrowed in !on!ern. =5hy not?=
=& wo#ldn3t want to wor with them again. &t was #n!om"ortable "or me' sitting there with them'
being aware o" how important they "o#nd themselves. They3re the !enter o" their own little world' still'
and & was e-pe!ted to "awn over them and try to earn their approval. & g#ess when & wored "or
,abriella be"ore' & got so #sed to that e-pe!tation that & didn3t see anything weird abo#t it.= & !o#ld have
stopped there' b#t being honest "rom the very start was better than trying to hide anything "rom him.
=And they are !onvin!ed &3m sleeping with yo#.=
=0o# are sleeping with me'= he observed.
& snorted. =B#t they have no reason to believe that. They had all this s#pposed eviden!e' lie the "a!t
that & too a si! day... it was $#st st#pid' in!onse1#ential st#"". B#t their little spies had !ome to this
!on!l#sion "or them' so ,abriella o""ered me this $ob on the !ondition that & brea things o"" with yo#.
Even a"ter & lied and said we weren3t dating.=
The loo & had been dreading !rossed 8eil3s "a!e' a darening e-pression lie a th#nderhead o"
over%thining rolling right in to spoil o#r dinner. =5hat $ob did she o""er yo#' e-a!tly?=
& too a sip o" water "rom the stemmed glass in "ront o" me. =Assistant !reative dire!tor o" her new
maga6ine.=
=,ood lord.= >e shoo his head. =5ell' & s#ppose this !alls "or a !ongrat#lations?=
=&3m not taing it'= & stated "irmly. =She3s trying to !ontrol what & do in my private li"e. And <ae is
$#st as bad. & tho#ght we were "riends' b#t & g#ess & didn3t noti!e how obno-io#s he was #ntil & started
woring aro#nd normal people.=
=& don3t thin there are any normal people at Porteras'= 8eil opined. =+ysel"' in!l#ded. & !annot
wait #ntil @alerie is able to tae it o"" my hands.=
& wasn3t s#re what wo#ld happen when he 1#it woring at Porteras. & didn3t s#ppose he3d starve or
anything' b#t what wo#ld he do? 5o#ld he go ba! to England? & didn3t want to thin abo#t that now'
even tho#gh & new & sho#ld be"ore & "inali6ed my de!ision. B#t & tr#sted him to tell me i" he didn(t plan
to stay in the !o#ntry' espe!ially now that he new & was t#rning down a $ob "or him. =>ow did the
meeting go?=
=8ot well'= he !on"essed. =There is a lot o" !on!ern that perhaps the s#bs!ribers were s#pporting
,abriella and the !#lt#re aro#nd her' not the maga6ine. And A#dy and & spoe' he sho#ld be !alling yo#
this evening to o""i!ially let yo# go.=
=A#dy is going to do it?= & made a "a!e at that. =& tho#ght yo# already "ired me. 5hy do we have to
drag him into it? 8ow it3s going to be all awward the ne-t time & see him.=
=B#t it3s not awward to "#! the man who "ired yo#?= >e !h#!led' b#t his la#gh 1#i!ly t#rned in
a grima!e o" pain.
=2h my god. 8eil' are yo# oay?= & p#shed my !hair ba!' intending to get #p' b#t he motioned "or
me to sit.
=8o' it3s $#st these horrible !onta!ts.= >e pin!hed the bridge o" his nose. =&3m not "eeling well'
Sophie. & hate to s#ggest we !an!el o#r plans % =
>e looed pale' and slightly sweaty. This wasn3t him "aing si! to get o#t o" taling abo#t o#r
sit#ation. & was s#re 8eil wo#ld never do anything lie that' anyway. >e looed really' really ill.
=&" yo# need to go home' go home. *o yo# need me to !ome with yo#?= & ased.
=8o' no. &3ve ept yo# "ar too long this weeend.= >e managed a tired smile. =Bet me drive yo#
home?=
& shoo my head. =0o# loo lie yo# need to go eat abo#t an entire bottle o" ib#pro"en. & !an get
home "ine on my own. &" yo# go to wor tomorrow' &3ll !all yo# d#ring yo#r l#n!h. And i" yo#3re si!'
&3ll !ome over and bring yo# !hi!en so#p. 5hi!h & will "eed to yo# thro#gh a plasti! b#bble while
wearing one o" those Ebola s#it things' be!a#se & !an3t a""ord to get si! again right now.=
>e tried to smile. >e still looed miserable. =& love yo#. 5e(ll tal tomorrow./
=& love yo#' too.=
& waled with him to the door. >e tossed a bill on the hostess3s station and apologi6ed "or holding
the table. 2#tside' & wondered i" & sho#ld o""er my sho#lder to lean on' he looed so bad. 4or a se!ond' &
!onsidered overr#ling him and getting into the !ar with him to go straight to the emergen!y room' b#t
8eil was a big boy. >e !o#ld be si! on his own' i" he wanted to. & saw him sa"ely into his !ar' and
wat!hed the +ayba!h p#ll away "rom the !#rb be"ore heading toward the s#bway station on the ne-t
blo!.
So' o#r date was a b#st. And & was going to get o""i!ially "ired. B#t at least & new & was t#rning
down the $ob with ,abriella3s new maga6ine "or the right reasons. & loved 8eil even when he was si!
and nearly standing me #p. That had to !o#nt "or something.
5hen & got to the apartment' & "o#nd >olli and *e$a sn#ggled on the !o#!h' wat!hing A 3hristmas
)tory.
=Tell me it3s not Christmas Eve'= & said' with a note o" pani!' gest#ring to the television. =Be!a#se i"
it is' & missed my "light home.=
=*@*'= *e$a said. =&t3s the "i"teenth.=
=& tho#ght yo# were hanging o#t with 8eil tonight'= >olli said' moving her "eet so & !o#ld sit on the
!o#!h.
=>e wasn3t "eeling well. & hope he3s not !oming down with that thing & had.= & waved her o"". &
wasn3t planning to stay #p' & $#st needed some time on my own' and & didn3t need to horn in on their
evening. & patted my stoma!h. =&3m still not entirely over it.=
*e$a "rowned' and traded a loo with >olli. =Cm.=
=Soph...= >olli began #n!ertainly. =5e(ve a!t#ally been meaning to tal to yo# abo#t that. 0o#3ve
had that twenty%"o#r ho#r stoma!h thing "or lie a wee now.=
=8o' it3s only been...= & !o#nted ba!ward in my head. >ow long had it been? 5ith my $ob going
down the t#bes' & had lost time' lie one o" those alien abd#!tion stories. =2h my gosh' it has been a
wee. *o yo# thin & sho#ld go to a do!tor?=
5o#ld my health ins#ran!e still !over that' now that & was !anned?
.& thin yo# sho#ld'/ *e$a said. 5hy were they taling to me lie & was st#pid? She went on. .This
thing has been !oming and going' right? And yo#(ve been really tired./
.&t(s the stress' it has to be./ & shoo my head. .Stress is what !a#ses #l!ers' right? &(ve had this
aw"#l heartb#rn % /
=Sophie... oh my god. >ow are yo# not getting this?= >olli3s mo#th dropped open.
=& now. 2h my god' & now.= & shoo my head' one hand li"ting my long bangs o"" my "orehead. =&
sho#ld have gone last wee' be"ore my bene"its were #p in the air. &" they want to do tests or anything
it(s going to !ost a "ort#ne' and & !an(t a""ord private ins#ran!e % =
And then & looed at >olli and *e$a' and & saw gen#ine pity in their "a!es. 5ell' pity and' =are yo#
"#!ing idding me?=
And then & got it.
2h god. & totally got it.
#$m pregnant.
Chapter Twenty%Two
#$m pregnant.
=8o.= & shoo my head. =8o' no' no' no.=
&t wasn3t an #l!er' it wasn3t a stoma!h b#g. & was pregnant.
& !o#ldn(t be.
+y mind "li!ed ba! thro#gh every time we3d had se-. &t was impossible that & was pregnant. & was
on birth !ontrol. 5e #sed prote!tion. &" my pills had a N:F e""e!tive rate' and !ondoms had a N:F
e""e!tive rate' we sho#ld have been nearly 200F !ertain o" this not happening' right?
*e$a sat #p' s!ooting >olli "orward so she !o#ld swing her legs o"" the !o#!h. =2ay' oay' &3ve
done this be"ore' there is no reason to pani!. &(m going to *#ane Aeade to get yo# a test. >olli' yo# eep
her !alm' and get a !alendar. Try to "ig#re o#t where things got "#!ed #p.=
&t was too late. Bie hitting a r#n o" pie!es in a $igsaw p#66le' everything "it together really "ast. &
hadn3t had a stoma!h b#g. &3d had aw"#l morning si!ness that had $#st !ome and gone at all !ra6y ho#rs.
And & wasn3t tired all the time "rom too m#!h se-. 5ell' & was tired all the time "rom too m#!h se-' b#t
mostly "rom being overloaded with baby hormones.
& "elt lie & was going to throw #p' and not as a pregnan!y symptom. & ra!ed to my room and
grabbed my laptop. & p#lled #p my s!hed#le as >olli stood ne-t to my bed' her arms !rossed over her
!hest.
=0o# g#ys weren3t #sing prote!tion?= she ased' !hewing on her bottom lip.
=& was on the pill' and we #sed !ondoms. 5e only went witho#t one time. B#t it seemed "ine' yo#
now' we3d both had re!ent !he!%#ps...= >ow !o#ld that so#nd so #nbelievably st#pid now' when it had
seemed totally sensible ba! then? .&(m not !ra6y' right? & sho#ld have been sa"e./
=&t only taes one #nl#!y time' Soph. And remember how yo#(re always saying that the green pills
are a waste' yo# don3t even tae them' be!a#se yo# !an always remember what day yo# need to start the
pin ones?= >olli lowered her voi!e. =And yo# $#st tho#ght it might serio#sly be Christmas Eve.=
2h god. >ad & started a pa! late? 5ay late? & tho#ght & might hyperventilate and pass o#t at the
slow reali6ation that &(d probably done e-a!tly that. &(d been so b#sy with wor' and the taeoverT and
the st#pid' re!less "#n o" a new relationship. &(d probably been missing pills le"t and right. )ophie.
You8re an idiot.
.0o# now' this happens'/ >olli tried in an attempt at moral s#pport. .8ot to !are"#l people.
0o#(re $#stT & hate to b#st o#t the to#gh love' b#t & tho#ght yo# were smarter than this' homie./
& looed #p at her' and b#rst into tears. =& $#st lost my $obD=
She sat beside me and wrapped her arms aro#nd me. =>ey' it3s going to be "ine. &" yo# are pregnant'
yo# have some options. 8eil isn3t going to $#st abandon yo#' right? >e3s a good g#y.=
>e was a good g#y. B#t how on earth was this !onversation going to go? !ey4 1eil4 #$m really
embarrassed4 and please don$t flip out4 but we$ve replicated and now # need to borrow some money even
though #$ve re%ected every offer of help you$ve ever given me and also # kind of helped sabotage your
company. 5h4 and you divorced your ex over something similar. But we8re cool4 right,
>olli r#bbed my ba! s#pportively as & looed at my online !alendar. B#t & !o#ldn3t remember when
my last period was. & had no "#!ing !l#e' be!a#se & didn3t !hart it' & #sed my pills to eep tra!.
<es#s' &(d really tho#ght it wo#ldn(t happen to me. And now it had and it was terri"ying.
=5hat am & going to do?= & looed #p at >olli' "#lly aware that my mas!ara was probably r#nning in
rivers down my "a!e "rom the tears & !o#ldn3t hold ba!. & held #p my hands helplessly. =5hat am &
going to do?=
=0o#3re going to do whatever3s best "or yo#'= >olli stated "irmly' resting her !hee on my sho#lder
as she p#t her arms aro#nd me. =0o# don3t want ids tho#gh' right?=
=8o' oh god' never.= & sat ba! and shoo my head' "eeling aw"#l. 5as & a bad mother?
8o' that was !ra6y tal. & wasn3t a mother. & was an... a!!idental in!#bator. A horrible "ear gripped
me. =5hat i" he3s !hanged his mind? >e said he didn3t want anymore ids' b#t what i" & tell him &3m
pregnant and he wants to eep the...=
& !o#ldn3t even say the word.
=&t3s not #p to him' Soph.=
That didn3t mae it any easier. That $#st meant & had to mae this de!ision all on my own.
1o4 you don$t' & reminded mysel". You$re %ust freaking out. 1eil is in love with you. !e$s going to be
%ust as mortified by all this as you are. & had to tell him. Shit' be"ore & even too the test' & had to tell
him' i" "or no other reason than to demand he b#y a !ondom !ompany' be!a#se this was not happening
again.
2h' who was & idding? >olli probably had an entire drawer o" !ondoms' in varying te-t#res and
shades. & !o#ld have looed in her room that night. &nstead' &(d made the st#pidest possible !hoi!e.
=&3m going to !all him'= & told >olli. =& now he3s not "eeling well' b#t... "#!' does that mae me a
bad person?=
=&" yo# need to !all him...= >olli shr#gged. =& s#ppose the worst that !o#ld happen is that he
wo#ldn3t answer.=
& wiped the tears "rom my !hees and !limbed o"" my bed. =2ay. &3m going to go get my phone.=
&t too me two tries to mae the damn !all my hands were shaing so badly. 5hen & "inally
managed to dial him' he didn3t answer. @oi!email pi!ed #p a"ter si- rings' and & "o#nd mysel" in a very
strange predi!ament. 5hat' e-a!tly' was the eti1#ette "or telling someone yo# were eighty per!ent s#re
that yo# were pregnant? 0o# !o#ldn3t do that via voi!email. Te-ting was o#t. &nstead' & le"t a lame' =&t3s
Sophie. Call me'= and waited with >olli "or *e$a to ret#rn.
>olli had made me some tea % =0o#3ll need something to pee' when she gets ba!'= % and tried to
stay !hipper. 5hen she set the !#p and sa#!er in "ront o" me' she said' =So... & bet 8eil drins a lot o"
tea. Being British and all.=
=8o' he drins !o""ee' mostly.= & shoo my head. =>e3s probably going to drop dead o" a heart
atta! "rom all the !a""eine.=
=5ell' this is !a""einated' b#t & don3t thin a little bit will h#rt the... thing.= >olli t#rned away "rom
me 1#i!ly and d#mped way too m#!h s#gar into her own !#p. =5hat do yo# thin *e$a meant?=
& sipped my tea. =+eant by what?=
=She said 3&3ve done this be"ore.3 And then she ran o#t to get a pregnan!y test.= >olli tried "or a
!as#al shr#g. She3s never going to be a model%slash%a!tress' is all &3m going to say abo#t her attempt to
be non!halant.
=+aybe she had a pregnan!y s!are be"ore.= &t was totally sel"ish and #n"air o" me to wish something
so aw"#l on another woman' b#t & was really glad to now someone personally who had gone thro#gh
the same thing & was going thro#gh.
=& now' it3s $#st...= >olli shoo her head. =8o' &3m being a $er. 0o#3re lie' legitimately worried
abo#t the !ontents o" yo#r #ter#s and &3m a!ting weird abo#t my girl"riend3s past.=
=,irl"riend?= &" anything !o#ld momentarily tae my mind o"" the idea o" a !h#bby%!heeed horror
slowly siphoning away my li"e "or!e' it wo#ld have to be good news abo#t my "riend3s li"e. =So yo# g#ys
are lie' o""i!ial now?=
=0eah' we3re e-!l#sive. & don3t now' & tho#ght she was going to drive me !ra6y' she3s so bossy and
ind o"'= >olli moved her hands all aro#nd her head' !rossing and rolling her eyes. =0o# now. &
tho#ght we might be too similar.=
=0o#3re !lones o" ea!h other'= & pointed o#t.
=0eah' well.= She grinned at me. =T#rns o#t & m#st be one nar!issisti! bit!h' be!a#se & "#!ing love
my !lone.=
=A nar!issisti! model? 0o#3d be the very "irst.= & made a "inger g#n at her. =&3m happy "or yo#.
Aeally happy "or yo#.=
=*on3t worry abo#t this.= She waved a hand at my midse!tion. =&" yo# de!ide to get rid o" it' we !an
hang o#t and have a post abortion sl#mber party with i!e !ream and !ae.=
=0o# and !ae.= & la#ghed to mysel"' even tho#gh the tho#ght was horribly depressing' in my "rame
o" mind. 5hat wo#ld my mom say? 5hat wo#ld my s#per Catholi! "amily thin o" me?
=And i" yo# de!ide to eep it' &3ll help yo# pi! o#t the !olor "or the n#rsery. 9rovided' o" !o#rse'
that yo# "ind an apartment with a room yo# !an mae into a n#rsery.= She too a sip o" her tea' maing a
"a!e at what & ass#med was the si- po#nds o" s#gar she3d nervo#sly d#mped into it. =& mean' yo# !an3t
eep it here. 8o pets allowed' it3s in the lease.=
The door opened' and *e$a stepped in' >olli3s ey!hain dangling "rom one hand' a plasti! bag in the
other. =2ay. & have the test. Are yo# going to do it now' or in the morning?=
=5hat3s the di""eren!e?= >ow & managed to stop mysel" "rom l#nging a!ross the room and snat!hing
the bag "rom her hands' & wo#ld never now.
=5ell' they say yo#3re s#pposed to tae them in the morning' be!a#se that3s when the highest
!on!entration o" hormones is sitting aro#nd in yo#r pee.= *e$a held the bag o#t to me. =B#t & "ig#red
yo#3d want to now right now' so & got a two pa!.=
=>ow m#!h do & owe yo#?= & went "or my p#rse' and she shoo her head.
=<#st go tae the test' oay? 5e3ll "ig#re that o#t later.=
That3s !ode "or' .&3m not going to as yo# to pay me' be!a#se yo# $#st lost yo#r $ob'= b#t & wasn3t in
the mood to be parti!#larly pride"#l at the moment.
& too the bag into the bathroom with me and ripped the bo- pra!ti!ally in hal" to open it. +y hands
were shaing' whi!h didn3t mae it easy to get the "oil pa!et #ndone. 5hen & held the damn thing' it
seemed #tterly wrong that & sho#ld be so terri"ied o" a tiny !h#n o" !heap plasti!. This st#pid little thing
held so m#!h power over my li"e. +y entire "#t#re' possibly.
& sat on the toilet and tried to "ig#re o#t what angle wo#ld wor best. Cnlie most men &3d ever met'
women don3t generally have a bi6arre !hildhood history o" peeing on things' so &3d never had any
pra!ti!e. Then' & had to over!ome my nerves to a!t#ally get things "lowing. & managed to "or!e a "ew
drops' and peed on my hand.
=0o# have to be "#!ing idding me'= & m#ttered #nder my breath. &t was hard eno#gh taing a pee
test at the do!tor3s o""i!e' and that little plasti! !#p was a m#!h bigger target.
& looed at the sin. The gleaming por!elain !#p we #sed as a toothbr#sh holder tried not to mae
eye !onta!t with me.
=Sorry' >olli' &3ll b#y yo# another.= & emptied o#r toothbr#shes into the sin then sat ba! down'
positioned the !#p between my legs' and #rged mysel" to rela-.
& didn3t get m#!h' b#t & hoped it wo#ld be eno#gh. +y heart in my throat' & dipped the !otton%ish tip
thing on the end o" the test into the bottom o" the !#p.
5at!hing the test sat#rate and the wet mar !reeping thro#gh the little plasti! window was not
#nlie wat!hing a !ar a!!ident "rom the sidewal. & new what was going to happen' b#t & was powerless
to stop it "rom happening as the horror #n"olded be"ore my very eyes. As my #rine washed a!ross the
test strip' there it was' !lear as day. Two bright' #nmistaable pin lines. &t didn(t even need a "ew
min#tes to develop.
=8o.= & shoo my head and set the !#p on the "loor. At least & had the presen!e o" mind to p#t the
!ap ba! on the test' so it wo#ldn3t dribble as & sh#""led' my pants still aro#nd my anles' to the torn
instr#!tion sheet on the "loor. & !ompared my test with the diagram' !ertain &3d made a mistae reading it.
B#t there it was. 2ne line "or negative. Two "or positive.
& really was pregnant.
+y ears were ringing. & looed #p at my re"le!tion in the mirror' my eyes wide' my "a!e pale. &
looed ba! at the test in my hand' and "l#ng it to the "loor in disg#st. =0o#3re a liarD=
>olli no!ed on the door. =SophD Are yo# oay?=
& slid down the wall and !overed my "a!e with my hands. The door opened $#st a little bit. =Soph?=
=&3m not oay.= & wiped my tears "rom my !hees on the ba! o" my hand. =&3m pregnant.=
=2h' honey.= >olli so#nded $#st as #pset as & "elt. That added g#ilt to my rea!tion. Co#ld & be any
more dramati!?
2ay' so & new that having #nprote!ted se- wasn3t a great idea. &3d done it anyway. B#t this wasn3t
the worst%!ase s!enario. & !o#ld "i- this.
& stood #p' d#mped the !#p into the toilet' "l#shed' and said' =&3m pregnant' and we need a new
toothbr#sh holder.=
=0#!. &3ll give yo# a min#te.= >olli !losed the door' and & wel!omed the spa!e. & $#st needed to
thin.
There was a "#!ing baby in me.
<es#s Christ.
A real baby? Bie a rip o#t o" my vagina Aliensstyle baby? 5hat was & going to do abo#t that?
& tho#ght abo#t the pi!t#res in 8eil3s it!hen. Emma with her p#ppy. The "irst day o" s!hool. 8eil
had obvio#sly been a part o" her li"e. >e didn3t want to have any more ids' tho#gh. & had no do#bt he
wo#ld "inan!ially s#pport me i" & !hose to eep it' less do#bt that he wo#ld wal away "rom me and a
baby witho#t providing emotional s#pport' as well. B#t when & tried to imagine what li"e wo#ld be lie
living on 4i"th aven#e with a baby and a nanny while my older' more s#!!ess"#l h#sband made billions
o" dollars... the pi!t#re didn3t loo appealing.
& lied my apartment. & lied my room. & lied my batht#b. And & really' really lied not having a
h#man being & didn(t even now #sing me "or li"e s#pport.
B#t it was a baby' right? &t was our baby' hal" me' hal" 8eil. Sho#ldn3t that magi!ally #ndo all my
worries? Sho#ldn3t & be happy that & made a baby with the g#y & loved? *idn3t everyone want this?
5as & s#pposed to want this?
& p#t o#r toothbr#shes in the medi!ine !abinet' washed my hands then stepped o#t o" the bathroom.
>olli and *e$a were waiting in the living room' and & held #p one "inger to stave o"" their 1#estions.
=5ait. & $#st want to try 8eil one last time.=
&n my room' & opened my re!ent !alls. Ten o" them so "ar. & was looing a little obsessive. B#t & was
pretty s#re he wo#ld #nderstand' on!e he new what they were all abo#t. This wo#ld be the last !all
tonight.
=8eil... & really need yo# to !all me.= & too a breath' and & new he wo#ld hear my teary sn#""ling.
=&t3s s#per important. &... & don3t now what to do. & $#st really need to hear yo#r voi!e.=
2ay. )o not my best moment.
>ope"#lly' patheti!ally' & too the phone with me into the living room. !e said he was sick. !e$s
probably in bed right now. That didn3t mae me "eel better.
=Are yo# oay?= *e$a ased as & entered the room.
& nodded. =&3m in sho!.=
=& #nderstand that' believe me.=
>olli3s head whipped #p to loo at her with a bad attempt at disg#ising her !#riosity.
*e$a sighed. =0es' & got a!!identally pregnant on!e. &t3s not something & p#t on my rKs#mK.=
=5hat did yo# do?= & ased' be!a#se & new >olli wo#ldn3t' and & really needed to hear someone
say they had all the answers.
=& had an abortion.= *e$a shr#gged' her wide eyes bo#n!ing between me and >olli. =5hat? &t3s no
big deal. & was at a party' &3m pretty s#re someone p#t shit in my drin' and then ne-t morning &3d woen
#p and &(d had se- with this g#y.=
=That(s not se-'= >olli said gently. =That so#nds more lie yo# got roo"ied and raped.=
=& now'= she said' looing slightly embarrassed. =And &(ll tal to yo# abo#t it later. This isn3t the
rape !onversation' it3s the Sophie is pregnant !onversation. &3m trying not to steal her th#nder.=
& la#ghed at that. & don3t now why. =Sorry. &t $#st stries me as totally insane that we3re having this
dis!#ssion.=
*e$a gave me a !losed%lip smile o" sympathy. =0o#3re going to be oay. 0o# have somebody to go
thro#gh this with yo#. +r. Elwood isn3t going to leave yo# stranded.=
=And while we both thin it3s !reepy and weird that yo# have a boy"riend we have to !all 3+r.
Elwood'3 & agree with *e$a'= >olli said with a de!isive nod. =>e3s going to s#pport yo# with this' no
matter what.=
As i" on !#e' my phone b#66ed. =&t3s him.= & didn3t leave the room to tae the !all. & didn3t "ig#re &
wo#ld be breaing the news to him over the phone. & wo#ld wait and do it in person' tonight' i" he let
me. =8eil?=
=This is Emma.=
& "rowned. =Emma... what are yo# % =
=*ad is in the hospital.= There was a "aintly hysteri!al 1#ality to her voi!e. =They $#st gave me his
things' and & saw yo#3d tried to !all him.=
=&n the...= 5ait' this was all wrong. & was the one having a !risis. 5e !o#ld only have one !risis at a
time. =5hat happened?=
She made an impatient noise. =& don3t now. >e was #n!ons!io#s in the ba! o" the !ar when Tony
"o#nd him. Boo' are yo# going to !ome down here? 0o#3ve been !alling all night' yo# m#st have been
worried.=
& had been' b#t "or reasons & didn3t !are to dis!#ss with her at the moment. =5hi!h hospital? &3ll be
there as "ast as & !an.=
=9resbyterian' east si-ty%eighth.=
=&s he oay?= 2" !o#rse he was oay. &t was impossible "or 8eil to not be oay. &t $#st !o#ldn(t
happen.
=& don3t now' & haven3t seen him. >e wasn(t awae when the amb#lan!e arrived. 8ow &3m waiting
"or the bloody do!tor to !ome o#t and bloody tal to me'= she snapped impatiently. =&3ll now more by
the time yo# get here. Come thro#gh the emergen!y entran!e' &3ll wait "or yo# there i" & !an.=
She h#ng #p witho#t saying goodbye' and & n#mbly hit the dis!onne!t b#tton. & stared ba! at >olli
and *e$a' a paralysis o" "ear and disbelie" lee!hing the blood "rom my veins. =8eil had some ind o"
!ollapse. >e3s in the hospital.=
=5hat?= >olli s1#eaed. =5hat the hell is going on' Soph?=
=& don3t now.= & rea!hed "or my p#rse' dropped my phone into it' grabbed my eys and headed "or
the door. & wanted to say something else' b#t & $#st !o#ldn3t. =& don3t now'= & repeated' and then & dashed
o#t the door.
Every step & too down the stairs $arred all the way to my s#ll. >e8s okay4 this is nothing4 he8s fine'
t#mbled thro#gh my mind. This wasn3t happening. This wasn3t my li"e. & wasn3t pregnant. +y boy"riend
wasn3t in the "#!ing hospital. 8one o" this was real.
B#t it was. *ist#rbingly' aw"#lly real.
Chapter Twenty%Three
Tr#e to her word' when & got to the hospital Emma was waiting by the emergen!y room doors'
b#ndled #p in her winter !oat. >er eyes were red' lie she had been !rying.
=&s he oay? &s 8eil oay?= & ased' as i" she wo#ldn3t now whom & was there to see.
=They3ve moved him to a room' & !an tae yo# #p.= She gest#red to the a#tomati! doors behind her'
and we went inside.
5ith every step & too' my nerves gripped my stoma!h tighter' twisting it into nots.
=@isiting ho#rs are over' b#t sin!e he was $#st admitted they said they3d mae an e-!eption'= Emma
said 1#ietly in the eerie silen!e o" the elevator.
=Than yo# "or !alling me.= & wanted to h#g her. The tho#ght that 8eil !o#ld be in here "or days
witho#t me nowing made me pani!y' even tho#gh it hadn3t happened. .*o they now what(s wrong
with him?/
.CmT/ Emma(s ga6e darted away' her brow wrinling in !on!entration. .They(re r#nning some
tests./
& had the "eeling she new more than she was saying. Then again' & was pretty paranoid at the
moment.
5e stepped o#t o" the elevator' and & wrinled my nose at the hospital environment. The 1#iet'
interr#pted only by so"t' "ar away beeps. The s#spi!io#sly !lean smell even tho#gh yo# new the pla!e
was !rawling with germs. Someone had made a bag o" pop!orn in the brea roomH as we passed by the
open door' the s!ent wa"ted o#t to mi- with the sharp' #nnat#ral odor o" disin"e!tant' and & gagged.
A n#rse was standing o#tside one o" the rooms' writing in a patient !hart. She looed #p' slightly
annoyed' and said' =@isiting ho#rs are % =
=5e have permission'= Emma said a#thoritatively' and she led me past the n#rse. & envied people
who !o#ld do that. <#st wal aro#nd a hospital lie they owned the pla!e. Emma was "ar more
!om"ortable here than & was.
8eil was in a h#ge !orner room. The lights were low' and the !#rtain aro#nd his bed was p#lled
when & peeed inside.
=Come on'= Emma said gently. =>e was awae and taling to me not long ago.=
& new & probably wasn3t her "avorite person. & !o#ldn3t blame her. B#t she3d taen the time to !all
me' and she was being so ind' despite her dis!om"ort aro#nd me. At that moment' & had to really "ight
my #rge to h#g her.
=*ad?= Emma p#shed ba! the !#rtain a bit. 8eil was lying "lat in the big' weird hospital bed. There
was a heart monitor on' beeping steadily' and two big bags o" !lear "l#id hanging "rom an &@ pole ne-t
to him. >e opened his eyes $#st a little' then a bit more' then s1#inted at #s' and & reali6ed he probably
wasn3t wearing his !onta!ts.
=&t3s me' baby'= & went to his side and leaned down' br#shing my lips a!ross his "orehead. =5hat the
hell happened?=
=2h' Sophie.= >e hal"%la#ghed' hal"%wept' his arms !oming #p to hold me. & stepped 1#i!ly ba!'
so he didn3t tangle me in his &@ t#bing. >e dropped his arms and r#bbed one hand over his "a!e.
=They3ve given me eno#gh sedatives to ill a whole pa! o" elephants.=
=>e3s had a spinal tap'= Emma e-plained. =And painillers "or the heada!he.=
=2h my god' why didn3t yo# tell me yo# were so bad? & never wo#ld have let yo# leave by yo#rsel"'
i" & had nown.= & sat down in the arm!hair beside his bed and too his right hand' the one that didn3t
have a b#n!h o" t#bes in it.
=& didn3t now & was.= >e blined a "ew times as he remembered. =& didn3t "eel all that bad #ntil &
woe #p in the emergen!y room. +y god' &3m so relieved yo#3re here.=
=Emma !alled me.= & looed #p at her with a grate"#l smile.
=0o# sho#ld p#t her on yo#r emergen!y !onta!ts'= Emma told him. =&" & had been in Bondon% =
=Than god yo# were still here.= +y relie" was so a!#te' & !o#ld !ry. 8eil was... alive. & had
honestly tho#ght' "rom the way Emma had looed when & arrived' that he might have been dying. =5hat
do they thin is wrong with yo#?=
8eil s1#ee6ed my hand. >e was !oming aro#nd a bit' b#t his spee!h was halting. =TheyT don3t
now. & am most de"initely anemi!. The heada!he had them worried' #ntil they "o#nd o#t & wasn3t
having a stroe.=
=2ay. 2ay' those all so#nd "i-able. &3m $#st than"#l that yo#3re all right.= And that & wasn3t
!arrying a re!ently de!eased billionaire3s heir. B#t & wasn3t going to tell him that now' or he really wo#ld
have a stroe.
=&3m going to go get some !o""ee'= Emma said 1#ietly' e-!#sing hersel" "rom the room.
2n!e she was gone' 8eil li"ted o#r entwined hands to his lips and issed the ba!s o" my "ingers.
=&3m so glad she !alled yo#. &3ve been medi!ated o#t o" my head sin!e & got here.=
=& $#st "eel bad & didn3t get here #ntil now. 0o# had all these pain"#l things done to yo# % =
=And yo# weren3t here to get 1#easy and throw #p while they were happening?= he ased with a
wry !h#!le. & remembered the morning he3d !#t his hand' and now & !o#ldn3t remember i" &3d been si!
over the blood' or be!a#se & was pregnant.
& r#bbed my hand #p and down his arm. & wasn3t s#re what & was s#pposed to do to !om"ort him.
=5as it aw"#l?=
=Tr#th"#lly' it wasn3t that bad. They do hand o#t painillers lie !andy here. B#t & was thining' on
the ride home...= >e pa#sed' his ga6e "li!ing brie"ly to my "a!e' then down again. =& want yo# to
!onsider ,abriella3s o""er.=
=& !o#ldn3t wor with them. They3re a b#n!h o" assholes.= & tried to la#gh' b#t my stoma!h was still
in nots. Every time & "inished a senten!e' & had a moment o" pani!' thining' 7id # %ust tell him #$m
pregnant,
&" he new right now' he wo#ld want to give me money or some other $ob in his !ompany. & didn3t
want either. Besides' the man was already hospitali6ed' he didn3t need more stress.
=Those assholes are going to b#ild an empire. 0o# !an3t miss o#t on this !han!e.= >is 1#iet intensity
set me on alert. >e might have been dr#gged' b#t he3d obvio#sly p#t some !learheaded tho#ght into this.
=5ell...= & began !a#tio#sly. =,abriella told me & don3t get the $ob i" &3m involved with yo#' so...=
>e still !o#ldn3t meet my eyes. =Then it might be "or the best i" we3re not involved with ea!h other.=
The pain and disappointment hit me "irst' starting as a s1#ee6ing a!he in my !hest and ringing in my
ears. & serio#sly wondered i" it were possible & was having some pregnan!y%related heart !ondition. And
even tho#gh &3d heard him' & still #ttered a hoarse' sho!ed' =5hat?=
=& don3t want to be the man who r#ins yo#r li"e.= >is voi!e was thi! with held ba! emotion. =&
love yo# too m#!h to let something so important pass yo# by.=
=0o#3re on dr#gs. +aybe we sho#ldn3t have this !onversation right now'= & said' p#lling my hand
ba!.
=&3m not that dr#gged.= >e made a noise o" disg#st. =5ell' & am that dr#gged' b#t tr#th be told' &
made this de!ision be"ore & ever !ame to the resta#rant' be"ore & new abo#t ,abriella3s st#pid
pro!lamation. Being with me while woring "or her is only going to !ompli!ate things "or yo#.=
.8eil' &(m not going to wor "or ,abriella. & don(t even want to % .
>e !#t me o"". .Bisten to yo#rsel". This is Toyo all over again. 0o# have a li"e !hanging
opport#nity in "ront o" yo#' b#t yo#(re maing the easy !hoi!e./
.This is nothing lie Toyo'/ & whispered' the vise grip "eeling in my !hest tightening down hard. .&
was a st#pid id then' maing a d#mb !hoi!e "or emotional reasons./
>e didn(t say anything.
5h god. That was how 8eil saw me) a st#pid twenty%something who was maing a bad' emotionally
driven !hoi!e witho#t thining o" the !onse1#en!es.
>e didn(t tr#st me eno#gh to mae #p my own mind.
.0o# told me that woring "or ,abriella was #nhealthy'/ & reminded him thro#gh my pain"#lly tight
$aw. .0o# were "#rio#s at the tho#ght & wo#ld throw yo# over to wor "or her./
.That was when & tho#ght yo# were going to be o""ered a $ob as an assistant. Assistant !reative
dire!tor isT yo# might have wored at Porteras "or "i"teen years witho#t rea!hing that position./ >is
voi!e broe a little as he !ontin#ed' .0o#r !areer matters too m#!h to yo#. & !an(t stand by while yo#
miss this !han!e./
& stared at him' willing him to loo #p' to see the tears already spilling down my !hees. =& !an3t
believe this.=
=Sophie' please% =
=& !an3t believe yo#3re doing this to me againD= & new & probably sho#ldn3t raise my voi!e be!a#se
o" the other patients' b#t & !o#ldn3t help it. 5hat the "#! was going to happen now? *id & tell him abo#t
the pregnan!y? *id & $#st go on my merry way and deal with it all on my own? >ere he was' basi!ally
telling me to brea #p with him over a $ob' and & was in!#bating a "et#s he helped mae. So m#!h "or
not being in this alone. =5hat is wrong with yo#?=
=Everything is e-a!tly the same as it was si- years ago.= >e was so !alm' so maddeningly !alm.
=&3m wat!hing yo#' abo#t to mae a h#ge mistae' and what !an & do besides leave to prevent yo# "rom
maing it?=
=0o#3ve never prevented me "rom doing a damn thing. 0o# $#st don3t want to "eel responsible "or
my !hoi!es.= & shoo my head in disg#st. =And yo# tal abo#t me having a problem admitting things.
0o#3re willing to r#n away be!a#se yo# don3t want to "eel g#ilty.=
=That3s not "airD= he snapped. =Boo at me' Sophie. &3m a middle%aged man in a "#!ing hospital
bed. 5hat i" &3d had a heart atta! and died? 5hat i" &3d had a stroe and been paraly6ed? 5o#ld yo#
really want to be tied to me "or the rest o" my li"e? Caring "or me while & was si! or dying?=
=2h "or "#!s sae' yo#3re not ninety. 0o#3re in yo#r "ortiesD= >ad they given him a hand"#l o"
overrea!tion pills along with the painillers? =5hat 3rest o" yo#r li"e?( 5e3re not married' we3re dating.=
=And maybe &3m at the point in my li"e where that isn3t eno#gh anymore. & love yo# more than &
reasonably sho#ld. &3ve tried' Sophie' & have really tried not to p#sh "or too m#!h' too "ast' b#t that seems
to be the path we3re on. &" it isn3t what yo# want' then we need to let ea!h other go now' be"ore we wind
#p bitter and #nhappyD=
& don3t now that &3d ever seen 8eil so... angry. And h#rt. +y god' he was h#rt. Be!a#se he tho#ght &
didn3t want him.
5hat a "#!ing idiot.
Even tho#gh & was "#rio#s with him' even tho#gh & new & sho#ldn3t want him i" he was willing to
do this to me' & did. & new & sho#ld be happy to be rid o" him.
And even tho#gh & new it was hopeless' even tho#gh & new now that we wanted polar opposites
"rom this relationship' & had to try. =& love yo#.=
4inally' he held my ga6e "or longer than a "ew se!onds. >is eyes % god' his eyes... &(d never really
stood a !han!e % were gla6ed with #nshed tears. +aybe it sho#ld have made me "eel vindi!tively better
to see that he was miserable' b#t it was hard to hate someone lying in a hospital bed. =And & love yo#.
*on3t ever do#bt that.=
=& don3t.= & wiped at my !hee with my "ingertips. & didn3t do#bt that he loved me. 8ot "or a
moment. >e loved me eno#gh to let me go' to not r#in my li"e when we new we wanted di""erent
things. And that almost made me love him more. =B#t yo#3re really an asshole.=
& stood #p and waled away. & didn3t loo ba! at him.
=Tae a "ew days to thin it over'= he said' so#nding "ar more tired than be"ore. & "elt so g#ilty' that
we had arg#ed in the hospital. & was a terrible girl"riend.
=& won3t be angry i" yo# de!ide to tae the $ob'= he !ontin#ed. =B#t yo# said yo# weren3t looing "or
a !ommitment "rom me. Betting this opport#nity pass yo# by' !hoosing me over this $ob... that3s a
!ommitment. 0o# sho#ld be honest with yo#rsel"' and with me. *on3t pass #p this $ob e-pe!ting that it
won3t !hange anything between #s. &t will.=
& t#rned' wiping my eyes 1#i!ly. =4ine. ,ive me a "ew days.=
=&3ll !all yo#. 5hen all o"... this is over.= >e gest#red to the bed. =& $#st want yo# to be happy'
Sophie.=
=0o# have no idea what wo#ld mae me happy'= & sni""ed miserably.
=8either do yo#'= he pointed o#t gently. =0o# told me that yo# $#st got yo#r li"e' and yo# weren3t
ready to share it with anyone. & don3t want to lose yo#. B#t & will let yo# go' i" it3s what yo# need.=
5hen & le"t the room' Emma was standing o#tside the door. She3d heard every word' goddammit.
She tried to say something' then stopped' and shoo her head. =& s#ppose & might see yo#... again?
&3m not entirely s#re what to say' a"ter all that.=
& didn3t have the time or the energy to engage her. =<#st mae s#re he doesn3t do anything st#pid
while he3s in here.=
Everything & needed to now was all laid o#t in her e-pression. She tho#ght he3d already done
something st#pid. +aybe she !o#ld tal some sense into him.
& got a !ab home' despite my #nemployed stat#s and dwindling ban a!!o#nt. & $#st !o#ldn3t bring
mysel" to !ry on the s#bway in "ront o" strangers.
J J J J
9la!es loo di""erent when yo#3re sad. & stepped into the apartment and h#ng my !oat #p on the
same peg & hang it on every night' b#t it looed wrong there.
& heard la#ghter "rom >olli3s room. & tip%toed to my bedroom. They were having a good time' there
was no reason "or them to !ome r#nning o#t to !onsole me. & wo#ld still be emotionally shattered in the
morning.
& didn3t bother to t#rn on my bedroom light. & didn3t want to see mysel" in the mirror. As silly as it
so#nded' & was a"raid & wo#ld loo pregnant. & new my t#mmy was still mostly "lat' and the little !#rve
at the bottom wo#ld be there' "et#s or not' so there was no reason to s!r#tini6e my body 1#ite yet.
Be!a#se the metaphori!al h#man heart is a !r#el son o" a bit!h' when & lay in bed' all & !o#ld thin
abo#t was that day si- years ago.
90irst time going to Tokyo,9
91o4 but #$ll bet it$s yours.9
A tear slid "rom my eye and dripped into my hair.
9)o what4 are you like4 from .ngland or something,9
91o4 this is the accent # use when # try to pick up women in airports.9
8ot only had he broen my heart' b#t he3d r#ined one o" my "avorite memories. ,reat.
4or a bitter moment' & wished that 8eil had never !ome to Porteras. That he had remained Bei"' the
mysterio#s stranger "rom my one #nbelievable night. & !o#ld have held onto him then' at a sa"e distan!e.
& !o#ld have $#st ept on being mysel" % or whoever &(d tho#ght & was be"ore he(d !ome ba! into my
li"e.
&" o#r "light had never been delayed' i" &3d $#st gone to 80C right o"" the bat' & wo#ld never have
met him. & wo#ldn3t be in the predi!ament & was in right now. That "illed me with so m#!h pani!' & !o#ld
barely breathe. 2ne rash de!ision' and & had really "#!ed things #p "or mysel" this "ar down the road?
>ow !o#ld & ever mae a serio#s !hoi!e again' nowing that?
And now & had to mae a really big de!ision.
There was no way & was having this baby. & new 8eil well eno#gh to now that he wo#ld want to
be a part o" its li"e' whether he3d planned to have another !hild or not. And while that was admirable' &
didn3t want to be tied to him lie that. & !o#ldn3t imagine trying to get over loving him while parenting a
!hild together' apart.
And & didn3t want a id. & didn3t !are that people said' =it3s di""erent when they3re yo#rs.= The
tho#ght o" spending ho#rs on a par ben!h' wat!hing some gr#bby toddler play in a sandbo-... my sin
!rawled at the notion. &t wo#ld be di""erent when it was mine? 0eah' it wo#ld be real' and & wo#ld be
miserable and trapped in a li"e &(d never wanted. That wasn(t "air "or a !hild' and & wasn3t abo#t to go
thro#gh what my mother had gone thro#gh when she3d !hosen to eep me.
Adoption was... not an option. & didn3t want to be pregnant. & really didn3t want to give birth' no
than yo# very m#!h. &3d have to e-plain to everyone & new that & was having a baby and giving it #p'
and they3d all want to weigh in with their opinions or try to get me to !hange my mind. 5o#ld & have
se!ond tho#ghts every time a well%meaning stranger to#!hed my belly? +aybe a stronger person !o#ld
withstand all o" that' b#t not me.
Then there was the other really big de!ision. *id & let 8eil go?
>e was right. &" & t#rned down this $ob to be with him' & was maing a !ommitment. &t wo#ld be
st#pid o" me to see it any other way. 8o one passed #p the opport#nity o" a li"etime to !as#ally date
someone. &" & didn(t tae the $ob' & !o#ld end #p resenting 8eil and destroying everything we had
together' anyway.
B#t & !o#ldn3t wor "or ,abriella. 8ot when she tho#ght she !o#ld "reely mae ridi!#lo#s demands
over my personal li"e.
And yes' "ine' & did "eel more "or 8eil than $#st yo#r #s#al !as#al relationship st#"". >olli was right'
& was never planning to do the happy%"amily thing... b#t i" & ever were to do it' it wo#ld be with 8eil. &
didn3t want to brea #p with him. & !o#ldn3t imagine my li"e witho#t him. >e3d be!ome my !losest "riend
and the only lover &3d ever a!t#ally' well... loved.
& pi!ed #p the phone then remembered the time. Then & de!ided & didn3t !are. &t didn3t matter i"
,abriella had some ama6ing pla!e "or me in her ama6ing !ompany where & wo#ld be ama6ingly
s#!!ess"#l. She wo#ld mi!romanage my li"e more than 8eil wo#ld. And at least & !o#ld reason with him
and get him to ba! o"".
+aybe that was what a relationship a!t#ally was. <#st learning to be able to stand the other person
and mae them happy. 5hat a !on!ept.
5hen ,abriella answered the phone' she so#nded !on"#sed. =Sophie S!ai"e is !alling me. At this
ho#r. 5hi!h seems odd' be!a#se & tho#ght she wanted a $ob % =
=& don3t want the $ob.= & bl#rted. =8ot i" yo# thin yo# !an tell me what & !an and !an3t do in my
personal li"e. 0o#' or <ae. &t3s never going to happen.=
=0o# !an3t date the owner o" a !ompeting p#bli!ation i" yo# want to wor "or me. That3s not
negotiable.= She said ea!h word !are"#lly' rolling them aro#nd her mo#th lie a "ine wine. & !o#ld
per"e!tly vis#ali6e her "a!ial e-pression' her big' bl#e eyes wide in her de!eptively ind "a!e.
=& #nderstand. Than yo# "or the opport#nity.= &3d said =Than yo#'= and not ="#! yo#'= right?
=,oodbye' Sophie.=
She h#ng #p' and & sat staring at my phone "or a long time. & "elt lie & hadn3t really lost anything. &
was $#st as #nemployed as & had been be"ore the phone !all. & was $#st as pregnant. +y boy"riend was
$#st as hospitali6ed. And possibly not my boy"riend. & had no !l#e where we wo#ld go "rom here.
& !o#ld wal away "rom all o" it' & reali6ed. & !o#ld go' have the abortion' brea #p with 8eil' tell
him &3d taen the $ob' and start !ompletely over. Everything wo#ld go ba! to the way it had been be"ore
8eil had waled into Porteras.
B#t & !o#ld never go ba! to the way things had been the day be"ore that "light to Toyo had been
delayed. & !o#ld never #n%now 8eil' or stop "eeling the way & "elt abo#t him. & wo#ld probably never
stop loving him.
& !o#ld stay with him. & !o#ld have his baby. 2r not. The !lo! was ti!ing' and & didn3t now what &
was going to do.
5hat the hell was & going to do?
Abigail Barnette is the alter%ego o" a#thor' blogger' and "#nny person' Jenny Trout. 5riting as
<enni"er Armintro#t' she made the 6)A Today bestseller list with her deb#t novel' Blood Ties Book 5neJ
The Turning. >er novel American /ampire was named one o" the top ten horror novels o" 2011 by
Booklist (aga-ine 5nline. As Abigail Barnette' she writes award winning eroti! roman!e. 5hen she(s
not writing' she(s sleeping or otherwise in!apa!itated.
She is a pro#d +i!higander' mother o" two' and wi"e to the only person alive !apable o" spending
e-tended periods o" time with her witho#t wanting to m#rder her.