How to be an Ally

People who are committed to working with and advocating for people who
have been oppressed will understand and incorporate the following ideas into
their practice

Cumulative Impact
All of our experiences are connected. Therefore, targets will often relate the
present experiences to those of the past. Repeated negative experiences over a
period of time (long and/or short) may have accumulated (rather than
resolved) because it has not always been safe for them to challenge the people
and institutions who have treated them negatively.
A good ally understands that the target may be carrying around the cumulative
impact of a long series of negative treatment. If they seem irritated or
unusually upset, the ally tries not to take it personally, but instead, tries to offer
support by:
Acknowledging the degree of feelings the person is experiencing
Offering to listen to the stories of how the person has been negatively
treated (without interrupting, arguing, justifying, or trying to give
advice, or fix it.)
Ask if there is anything that can be done to be supportive

Intent vs. Impact
A good ally will be responsible for all actions and accountable for the impact.
When something has been said that is hurtful or inappropriate, there is a
tendency to want to explain the intent (Oh, you know I didnt mean that. or
It was just a joke!). However, the pain, hurt, and impact are still real.
A good ally first apologizes and asks about the negative impact. Then, the ally
will ask how they can help, be supportive, make amends, and avoid similar
transgressions in the future.

Distinguishing Behavior
Most potential allies will be seen as just another man white
administrator until they show through their actions that they are actively
working as an ally and advocate. When the ally speaks up and intervenes, they
distinguish themselves from the overall dominant (i.e. agent) group who
generally both consciously and unconsciously perpetuate -isms (i.e. adultism,
sexism, lookism, sizism, classism, ableism, racism and more).

Common Dialogue Pitfalls
There are some common phrases that well-meaning people use when trying to
be a supportive advocate and ally. However, even though the intention is often
to soothe or relate, these statements may be perceived as dismissive and
invalidating.
Examples:
1. PLEs: Perfectly logical explanations.
2. Yeah, but
3. I dont see it that way; (therefore, it doesnt really happen)
4. That doesnt happen to me(so it doesnt exist)
5. I know someone whoand they dont agree with you
6. Dont you think that
7. Youre overreactingyoure too sensitive
8. He/shes a good personthey never meant to do that...
9. That was not my intent! You misunderstood me!
A good ally will be sensitive to the feelings and statements and choose
validating and affirming responses.
Examples:
1. That sounds really difficult. Do you want to talk more about that?
2. Your feelings matter, and you matter
3. I can tell you are very upset. Lets talk more about this and see what we
can come up with.
4. I see you have been hurt by his/her action(s). Lets brainstorm how we
might resolve or talk to that person about that.
5. Im so sorry I hurt you.




















Adapted by Sally Eck (2013) from materials developed by Elsie Y. Cross Associates and Kathy Obear