10/1/2014 Forget He Said, She Said!

Four Tricks to Writing Better Dialogue

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Forget He Said, She Said! Four Tricks to Writing
Better Dialogue
Posted by Tiffany Reisz on Friday, December 7, 2012 Under: Guest Posts
Please welcome our guest this week, Tiffany Reisz - the acclaimed author of The
Original Sinners novels at Mills & Boon. Enjoy her big article here that brims with a
wealth of feisty ideas for writing great dialogue. Caution: her examples are X rated!
Hi Writers!
My name is Tiffany Reisz, and Im the author of The Original Sinners series for
Mills & Boon. My books are famous for three thingshardcore kink, barely legal
sexual encounters, and damn good dialogue.
No matter what you write, sci-fi, romance, or erotic thrillers like I do, you have to
have good dialogue in your books. The sad truth is that most writers have no idea
how to write the good stuff. Their dialogue sounds stiff and wooden. Its heavy on
exposition and light on entertainment.
Luckily, learning to write better dialogue is easier than you think. Below are four
tricks I use every day when writing my scenes. Ill show you how a bad dialogue
writer might have written the exchange and then show you what I wrote that made
it into print.
Trick #1 Humor
Do you know what I enjoy most about the legendary Shakespeare tragedy Hamlet?
The witty dialogue. Even this dark play that ends in a bloodbath is hilarious. Hamlet
feigns madness and the result is a seventeen-year-old Tiffany snickering in the
library, taken completely aback that Shakespeare was one funny dude.
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10/1/2014 Forget He Said, She Said! Four Tricks to Writing Better Dialogue
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What do you read, my Lord?
Words, words, words.
HA! Classic.
Im one funny dude (dudette?), and my characters are funny too. Humor is one of
the best tricks a writer can use to reveal character. What a person jokes about tells
more about them than anything. Cracking a joke when scared shows that your
character is tough. A handsome man teasing a beautiful woman until she laughs is
a charmer. A woman who can make a man laugh seems powerful and strong.
From chapter three of THE SIREN, my female lead character Nora (a writer AND
Dominatrix) is trying to talk her sexy editor Zach into leaving a boring party with
her.
NO HUMOR VERSION.
I really shouldnt leave, Zach said, terrified of what would happen the second
he was alone with Nora.
You should leave, Nora said. This party is boring. We can have fun doing
something else somewhere else.
WITH HUMOR VERSION
I really shouldnt leave, Zach said, terrified of what would happen the second
he was alone with Nora.
Come on, Zach. This party sucks and not in the good way. Ive had pap smears
more fun than this.
How could any man resist a woman like that? Zach certainly cant and out of the
party he goes. The Ive had pap smears more fun than this line is so popular with
readers, one fan turned it into an ecard. Humor is quotable and memorable.
Everything you want your writing to be.
Trick #2 Answer a Question with a Fish
Most people answer a question with an answer, right?
Q: Where are we going?
A: The bookshop.
Q: What are we buying?
A: The Siren by Tiffany Reisz
Q: And then what?
A: Were having sex afterwards.
But simply answering a question with a straight answer is boring. Next time one of
your characters asks another character a question, have that character give
anything but a straight answer. Answer with a rainbow, a bicycle, a fish, another
question! Anything but a straight answer.
In chapter two of The Angel, Nora is giving a ride home (after church, of course) to
a teenage boy she once seduced. Hes a little nervous about her new car.
STRAIGHT ANSWER VERSION
You want me to drive your brand-new BMW? Michael asked.
Sure. Youre old enough to drive. I trust you.
ANSWER WITH A FISH VERSION
You want me to drive your brand-new BMW? Michael asked.
Youre old enough to drive, right? And considering Ive let you inside my body,
its not that big of a stretch to let you drive my car.
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10/1/2014 Forget He Said, She Said! Four Tricks to Writing Better Dialogue
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Straight answer = boring.
Fish answer = better
Trick #3 The Volley
The volley is a great trick for getting a lot of information into a scene in a fun and
frisky way. Plus it shows how tenacious and curious a character can be. I love
spunky characters who are fearless and dont mind putting their cute little noses
into other peoples business.
From SEVEN DAY LOAN. In this scene two almost strangers whove spent one
passionate night together are getting to know each other the next day. Daniel is
rich and older. Eleanor is poor and only twenty-three. Yet, shes the one whos
here to help him. I try to prove that shes more than up for the task.
NO VOLLEY VERSION
I want to get to know you, Daniel, Eleanor said. I hope you dont mind
answering questions. You have a big house for a librarian.
Yes, I do. I married a wealthy woman and she died. I inherited the house.
VOLLEY VERSION
Im curious. Youre a curiosity. As long as you dont mind answering personal
questions
How personal? Daniel interrupted.
Unapologetically intrusive, knowing me. Unconscionably so.
You have a large vocabulary, Eleanor.
And you have a large She paused as he gave her a warning look. House.
I do.
How does a librarian afford a house like this? That was the first
unapologetically personal question, for those of you keeping count.
And back and forth goes the dialogue until the reader knows everything they need
to know about Daniel. I, the author, didnt have to insert a huge chunk of telling
explanation. Eleanor playfully interrogates him and the reader learns not only who
Daniel is but what kind of person Eleanor iscurious, playful, nosy, unapologetic.
Keep the verbal ball in the air and youll score points with readers.
Trick #4 A or B? No, C.
No trick in the dialogue repertoire is more powerful than the A or B? No, C
technique. The title probably makes no sense but Im sure youve seen it in action.
This occurs when one character offers another character a choice and the other
character replies with a third option.
Its a verbal swerve, a curveball the reader and other character doesnt expect. It
can be used for comedic purposes or dramatic purposes. In my erotic novella
Submit to Desire, I use it for humor. In my novel The Siren, I use it to punch my
readers in the stomach. It worked.
In Submit to Desire, a worried brother asks his sister why shes suddenly taken up
with the infamously kinky Kingsley Edge.
Do you like him because hes rich and infamous or do you actually like him?
Simon asked.
Charlotte thought about the question, a perfectly valid one, a few seconds
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10/1/2014 Forget He Said, She Said! Four Tricks to Writing Better Dialogue
http://www.writers-village.org/writing-award-blog/forget-he-said-she-said-four-tricks-to-writing-better-dialogue 4/6
before answer.
Yes.
Instead of answer with A I like him because his rich and infamous or B I like him
because I genuinely like him she answers with Yes, in other words All of the
above.
In THE SIREN, my Nora is remembering the last time she and her ex-lover Sren
spent the night together. She left him years ago for valid but heartbreaking
reasons. As much as they still love each other, she feels she cant go back to him.
As much as she doesnt want to go back to him, she desperately loves him. I try to
show how much in this A or B? No, C exchange.
NORMAL A OR B EXCHANGE
If you come back to me will you run or will you crawl?
Ill run back to you.
WITH A OR B? NO, C EXCHANGE
Dont say I ran from you. I could never run from you, Nora said.
Then what do you call it if it wasnt running?
I crawled. It is what Im good at after all.
When you come back to me- he began and she pulled back to meet his eyes.
I wont.
If you come back to me, he said, making a rare concession, will you run or will
your crawl?
Resting her head on his strong shoulder, she watched as a tear forged a river
down his long and muscled back.
Ill fly.
I have lost count of the number of readers who told me they sobbed at that
moment. One is even getting Ill fly tattooed on her body. Now that is memorable
dialogue.
One final trick of the trade is to read all your dialogue out loud. If it sounds weird
and unnatural coming out of your mouth, then itll sound weird and unnatural to
your readers.
Thats it! Happy reading and happy writing. Make that dialogue better. Now you
know how! Ill just be over here staring at Daniels bighouse.
For more of my writing, check out my blog with free stories full of witty dialogue
at www.tiffanyreisz.com/storytime.
Tiffany Reisz books inhabit a sexy shadowy world where
romance, erotica and literature meet and do immoral and possibly illegal things to
Dr John Yeoman, MA Oxon, MPhil,
PhD Creative Writing, FSRS* is a
UK university tutor in the short
story. He has 42 years experience as
a successful commercial writer,
newspaper editor and one-time
chairman of a major PR consultancy.
He has published innumerable works of humour,
some intended to be humorous.
* Founder, the Society for the Rehabilitation of the Semi-colon

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10/1/2014 Forget He Said, She Said! Four Tricks to Writing Better Dialogue
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Next post: A Novel... Previous post: A Very Original...
each other. She describes her genre as "literary friction," a term she stole from her
main character, who gets in trouble almost as often as the author herself. Reisz's
debut novel, The Siren, was published by Mira on July 24, 2012. It is the first book
in her The Original Sinners series. Reisz describes it as "not your momma's Thorn
Birds," and she means it. Visit Tiffany on her
blog www.tiffanyreisz.com/storytime or on Twitter @tiffanyreisz Reisz lives in
Lexington, Ky.
In : Guest Posts
Tags: dialogue
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Lisabet Sarai 2 years ago

Excellent post, Tiffany! Thank you.

Reply
chinasoap 2 years ago
Just the tips I needed. I'm going to revise my most recent story now!

1


Reply
John_Yeoman 2 years ago Mod > chinasoap
That's good news, Chinasoap. Any pretext is a good one for revising
a story. Irving Wallace revised The Prize so often that he reckoned
he'd written several million words before he found a draft he liked!


Reply
Margay 2 years ago
What great tips! I love all the examples, too!

1


Don Maker 2 years ago
I absolutely agree that dialogue should be alive. However, as Ndaba
implies, it should be in character. While Ms. Reisz may strive for humor or
wit, a writer must bear in mind the "voice" of the actual character, which
may be snide, pompous, erudite without humor, or whatever. Oddly, she
says "Forget the he said/she saids", but in my opinion uses them more than
necessary! For example:
I really shouldnt leave, Zach said, terrified of what would happen the
second he was alone with Nora.
In my novel "Zenobia", I don't think I used "X said" more than twice. I might
have written this:
I really shouldnt leave. Zach was terrified of what would happen the
second he was alone with Nora.
On the other hand, I would actually have tried to show the terror, again
without the "he said".
Zach licked his lips and casually stuck his hands in his pockets so Nora
couldn't see them tremble. "I really shouldn't leave." What might happen if
he ever allowed himself to be alone with this woman?
In her second example, Nora is not identified. That's great, because we
already know who's speaking--and her voice should identify her anyhow.
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10/1/2014 Forget He Said, She Said! Four Tricks to Writing Better Dialogue
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John_Yeoman That's a truly
systematic plan, ManyMoose. I don't
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Mel Goldberg I hate to say this but
the opening is too enigmatic and
introduces too many
ALSO ON WRITERS' VILLAGE
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already know who's speaking--and her voice should identify her anyhow.

1


Reply
John_Yeoman 2 years ago Mod > Don Maker
Excellent points, Don. One approach to dialogue tags is that they
should be used only when unavoidable, to indicate who's speaking.
Otherwise, the 'who' should be obvious from the context or the
speaker's idiom.
As you point out, it's often better to replace tags with body language
or actions.
'"You're wrong!" she hissed' becomes '"You're wrong!" She threw a
bread stick at me and burst into tears.'
Too much of that, however, and we start to sound like Patricia
Cornwell on a bad day...

1


Reply
John_Yeoman 2 years ago Mod
True, Ndaba. The 'fish' version - or an oblique reply to a statement - can be
confusing. However, I suspect that Tiffany does this very well, as does the
crime writer Kathy Reichs. She'll often go further and interlace an exchange
with comments, apparently irrelevant, from a third person. If you read the
passage too fast, yes, it's confusing. But go back and read the sub-text
slowly. The result can be hilarious. What's more, that jumble of voices is
the flavour of real life.


Reply
Ndaba Sibanda 2 years ago
.Thanks, Dr Yeoman, thanks Tiffany. l found your examples very
scintillating and relevant .
Writing dialogue for the sake of having a conversation is not enough. l do
agree that the dialogue should not be commonplace , humour spices it up.
However, what would you say to the argument or observation that,
ANSWERING WITH A FISH VERSION could a good thing for some
readers but a recipe for ambiguities and confusion as far as other readers
are concerned, and hence even something off-putting?

1


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