Going on DATES

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Table of contents
Table of Contents
The D Word ................................................................................... 2
How to Deal With Flakes ................................................................. 4
How to Meet Up With a Girl ............................................................. 6
The Date Matrix ............................................................................. 9
Slow and Steady ......................................................................... 11
Going on DATES
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JOSHUA PELLICER
The D Word
S
o youre going out and collecting girls phone numbers like candy.
What next? You set up a date. The only thing is, you dont typically
want to refer to it as a date. Some girls are more traditional and
really like that, but in my experience, most girls dont. The idea of a
date puts a lot of pressure on the upcoming interaction, and pressure is
something you want to avoid.
The reason for this is that dates have a very proper connotation associated
with them. Going on a date suggests youre going to go to a restaurant
and eat dinner. Youre going to be sitting across from each other, asking
boring interview-style questions and trying to force yourselves to have
conversation. Meanwhile, underlying the whole awkward interaction is
the question: Am I going to sleep with this person or not? Thats the
decision shes mulling over the entire time shes talking to you.
If youre approaching things with this frame, when you push forward
and escalate, shes going to be weighing that question at every juncture.
Typically, shell be more resistant to you. Every time you make an advance
and try to communicate Oh, we have a lot in common, shes going to
hear, We have a lot in common, so we should sleep together. And shes
going to have to rebut that, and say, No, thats not what this means.
Shell be a lot more resistant to your rapport, your body language, to
feeling attraction a lot more resistant to everything because of that
date frame. Even if she really likes you, and really wants to connect
on a deeper level, you risk making it very diffcult for that to happen
because everything will be super logical. It will feel very hard to create
room for playfulness and emotional connection.
Instead, dont come at things with the frame of were going on a date.
Dont do that unless youre in a relationship. You can go on a date
with someone youre in a relationship with, but not a girl you just met
recently. Instead, you meet up with her or hang out with her. You go out.
You get coffee. You get drinks. Anything but go on a date.
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How to Deal With
Flakes
L
ets address the tough part of going out with a lot of girls: a certain
percentage of those girls are going to fake on you. Accept that fact
now, and dont let it discourage you. When you frst start getting
numbers and trying to meet up with girls, youre going to fnd that about
three out of ten of them fake, across the board. Not for any particular
reason, or anything you did wrong, just because thats what happens.
There are a lot of different types of girls, some of which have a really
hard time committing to things. You cant blame yourself for it, and
believe it or not you cant blame them. Thats just how its going to be.
Now, if 80% of girls you ask out fake on you, you are defnitely doing
something wrong. But, even if youre doing everything right, about 30%
of girls will still fake on you. They may not even call to let you know.
They may just not show up. And they may never answer any texts or
calls ever again. Youve got to be okay with that now. Understand that
it has nothing to do with you. Its just how it is.
If a girl fakes on you once, that does not always mean shes not interested
and doesnt want to hang out with you again. It usually means something
else, like she doesnt want to get committed too fast, or shes dating
someone else. It could also mean that she wanted to see you, but when
the time came to actually go out and do it she felt too much pressure and
decided that bailing on you was easier. Girls get nervous too, you know.
The reason a girl fakes doesnt really matter, the point is just that
hanging out with you is not going to work for her at that specifc time.
Dont take it personally. Some girls just fake on everybody, all the time.
They fake on their friends, they fake on their parents, and they will
certainly not give a second thought to faking on some guy they met and
chatted with for 15 minutes at a bar last Friday night.
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JOSHUA PELLICER
If a girl does fake on you, it can still be salvageable. The thing that
actually determines whether or not you end up seeing her later is the
way you handle the fake.
First, you never want to blame her. A lot of guys do this. They start to
get angry at her because she didnt show up. And lets be honest, it
hurts when youre sitting there waiting for a girl, expecting something to
happen, and then she doesnt show up. You feel rejected. But you cant
get negative and take it out on her. You have no idea why she didnt
show up. Why assume the worst, and get yourself all fustered because
some girl didnt show up when she said she would? High value guys who
understand women and have loads of female options dont ever do that.
They just chuckle at how silly some girls can be, and move on to the
next girl on their list.
Another tendency a lot of guys have is to get back at the girl for being
so rude. Theyll write her an angry text message like I waited for you
and you didnt show up. Never do that to me again or I dont need
this kind of stuff in my life. Its an extreme emotional reaction to being
faked on; to being rejected. And not only does it ruin your mood, it
pretty much guarantees that girl will never speak to you again. Which is
terrible, because if you only understood that her faking is not that big
of a deal, you could easily salvage the situation and come out on top.
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JOSHUA PELLICER
How to Meet Up
With a Girl
S
ay youre showing up to meet a girl at a place youve never been
to before. There are a couple of ways you can play this.
First, you could show up 15-20 early, then leave before the date
starts. If its a bar, meet the bartender frst. Get a drink, get their name,
tip really well, then leave. If its a restaurant, meet the hostess, or
waiters, or whoever you need to talk to. Say, I have a reservation a
little bit later on. I just wanted to swing by and talk to you. Then leave.
Go somewhere nearby and wait for her phone call. This is important.
Showing up fashionably late, in her eyes, is what you want to do. When
she calls, just say Im right around the corner. Ill be right there. Even
if youve been there early. It doesnt really matter.
A great place to do this is at a lounge, or a bar thats a little more low-
key. Show up early and meet the bartender. Then, when your girl gets
there, introduce her to the bartender by name. This is really powerful. It
works best in a place thats not too busy. If its a really busy venue, the
bartender will be working like crazy and wont really give you the time of
day. Theyll freak out if youre trying to talk to them. Theyll be thinking,
dude, I dont want to talk to you about stuff, just take your drink and
leave. But, in a low-key place, theyll be happy to chat with you and be
friendly for a minute or two.
Important note: the frst drink you get, tip well. A lot of guys dont do
this, but its kind of common knowledge. Especially tip well before your
girl shows up. Nine times out of ten, the bartender is going to respect
that you tip well and talk you up in front of the girl. And you really
want this to happen, because the bartender has the highest value in the
entire place.
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JOSHUA PELLICER
How much do you tip? If you get a beer and you tip a buck, thats
normal. If you tip two, thats a little better. Thats kind of cool. Dont be
obnoxious about it, like youre bragging and throwing around a lot of
money, but do be conscientious. They need to know you tipped well, so
dont just put the money down and walk off, or they wont know who left
it. They need to see where youre sitting. Put it down and sit there for a
minute, and make sure you get their name. When your date shows up
and you order drinks, introduce them to the bartender.
Typically, what will happen is that, for that one extra dollar you tipped,
the bartender will make you look awesome. Theyll give you compliments,
meet the person that youre with, and give you a ton of value, which is
worth way more than the extra buck you gave them.
How do I know it works this way? Simple: I used to be a bartender.
Heres other thing you could do when setting up a date, especially if
youre meeting a girl but you dont want to get stuck buying her a bunch
of drinks: get there ahead of time and buy yourself a drink. This is great,
because if you dont have a drink when she walks in, the pressure is
on you to start buying her stuff. But if youre already set with your frst
drink, shell get her own. Especially if shes a few minutes late, which
most girls will be. Im not saying you should do this to save money; Im
saying you should do this because you dont want to trade money for
her time, ever. Its okay to buy her a drink, but you want to do it after
youve gone into rapport with her and theres a reason for you to do
that.
Now, if she shows up and things are going well, great. If, for whatever
reason, she fakes on you at the last minute, a great way to mitigate that
is to have already made other plans. If you have any kind of thought
in your mind that, maybe, she might fake on you, make other plans
for that night to go out to some other place. Maybe even double-book.
It doesnt have to be with another girl. If your friends are going to be
around, say, Ill probably call you around 8:00 and see if you want to go
to this bar. Im going to be around such-and-such area. Set it up ahead
of time, so if something goes wrong and she does fake, youve got
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another option. Its okay. You wont take it personally because youve
got something else to do that night, and her faking is not a big deal.
I had to train myself, so hard, to not be pissed off when women didnt
show up for dates. In the beginning, it was so diffcult for me to even
get a date in the frst place. Then Id show up thinking all the work was
done, and Id quickly realize that it wasnt. Id get there and she wouldnt
show up, or shed be really late or reschedule at the last minute. It was
no fun.
Now, if it was a business meeting someone I was potentially going to
do business with that was doing that Id probably not want to work
with them. But meeting a girl for a date is not a business partnership.
Dont think that it is. A lot of men treat dates like business meetings.
Theyre not.
Just because she gave you her number and seemed interested does not
mean that she signed a social contract saying she has to see you again.
There are a lot of things at play here, some of which are within your
control, and some of which are not.
If she does fake, the best thing to do is to leave the ball in her court. For
example, lets say you go to a place, then leave early, before its time
for you to meet. As youre around the corner, she texts you fve minutes
beforehand and says, Im not going to make it. Your response back
should be: Okay, no worries. Im actually running late myself. Im going
to go meet some people at XYZ venue. Let me know when you want to
hang out again. Thats it. Completely leave it in her court. Dont keep
pushing it. Youll ruin it if you keep pushing it.
Going on DATES
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JOSHUA PELLICER
The Date Matrix
L
ets say that you met a girl when you were out one night, and youre
planning on hanging out with her another time. If youre wondering
what to do, use what I call the Date Matrix. This basically contrasts
two things: the time of day you met her and whether or not you met
her in an environment where there were lots of people, or with very few
people, or alone.
The point is, when you frst meet up, you want to do something thats
the opposite of the environment you frst met. So, if you meet her with
a lot of people at nighttime, then the next time you see her you want to
meet her during the daytime, alone.
Theres a specifc reason for this. When you meet someone, they have
a series of environments they need to see you in before they feel fully
comfortable with you. Most of those environmental elements revolve
around whether or not it was daytime or nighttime, because those are
completely different environments. The other main factor is whether or
not it was a social or personal environment.
If you meet a girl in the opposite environment of what she met you in,
she will get an extremely well-rounded view of who you are. Youll be
able to build comfort and go into rapport easier. Shell typically be more
comfortable being sexual with you. Shell feel like shes known you for
a longer period of time, even though shes only hung out with you once
beforehand.
This effect is called a Time Warp. Its a very powerful effect. It basically
allows someone to feel like theyve been with you a lot longer than they
actually have. You can use this to your advantage when planning a date,
or you can actually achieve this effect all at once. Say you just met a
girl during the daytime, but its right before dusk, and youre by yourself.
Pretty soon, when it gets dark, take her to a place thats social. Go to
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a bar, or meet up with your friends. Youll cover both of the extremes
immediately, and shell have a very well-rounded view of who you are.
Another way you can use this effect to your advantage is, when you go
out, to change venues often. Not often as in every fve minutes, but you
can spend roughly an hour to an hour-and-a-half in one venue and then
bounce to the next. And this doesnt just mean bar-hopping. A park is
a venue. So is a coffee shop. Going to eat dinner is another example.
Going from bar to bar, or club to club, is a typical pattern thats great for
this, as long as the next place is pretty different from the last. different
place.
The reason this is so powerful is that we tend to create memories based
on events, not based on time. I can sit in a room with you for ten hours
and not know anything about you or know who you are, and I wouldnt
have any memory of being in a room with you. But if I spend ten minutes
with you doing something totally out of the ordinary, then Im going to
remember you specifcally. We track events, not time.
Have you ever had where you thought, Man, its been such a long day?
Even if it was a normal length day, why does it feel like a long day?
Probably because a lot of stuff happened to you that brought you out of
your comfort zone that day. Things that were new and different. Things
that were memorable.
We will typically have a feeling about a person and say, Ive known
this person for a long time. It doesnt actually mean that weve known
them for a lot of years. It means that weve gone through a lot with
that person. When youre hanging out with a girl, you want to create
that sense of Ive known this person for a long time, because weve
gone through a lot together. This is especially important if a girl is more
traditional, because shell need to build a lot more rapport and trust with
you before shes comfortable moving forward.
Going on DATES
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JOSHUA PELLICER
Slow and Steady
A
lot of guys ask me, should I sleep with a girl on the frst date?
Those guys are asking the wrong question. A lot of guys will meet
women and feel like they need to sleep with them immediately.
Its ridiculous. You should only sleep with a girl when she is ready.
Sometimes, thats right away. Sometimes it takes longer.
Guys who are really good at attracting and meeting women are not in a
huge hurry. If you know what youre doing, and you have an abundance
of female options, why would you be in a huge hurry to sleep with any
one girl? If you are a guy who has lots of options, you wouldnt need to
sleep with a girl on the frst night. It defeats the purpose of creating all
this pre-selection and attraction, and making her think that lots of other
girls want to be with you and that a lot of guys respect you. That all goes
out the window if she gets the sense that, all of a sudden, you really
need to get laid. Thats incongruent. A lot of guys have this mentality
and they freak themselves out because they need to make it happen
that night.