Doris Lessing

was born of British parents in Persia (now Iran) in 1919

and was taken to Southern Rhodesia (now Zimbabwe)
when she was five. She spent her chidhood on a ar!e
farm there and first came to "n!and in 19#9. She
brou!ht with her the manuscript of her first nove$ The
%rass is Singing, which was pubished in 19&' with
outstandin! success in Britain$ in (merica$ and in ten
"uropean countries. Since then her internationa repu)
tation not on* as a noveist but as a non)fiction and
short stor* writer has fourished. +or her coection
of short noves$ Five, she was honoured with the 19&#
Somerset ,au!ham (ward. She was awarded the
(ustrian State Pri-e for "uropean .iterature in 19/1$
and the %erman +edera Repubic Shakespeare Pri-e of
19/0. (mon! her other ceebrated noves are The
Golden Notebook, The Summer Before the Dark,
Memoirs of a Survivor and the five voume Children of
Violence series. 1er short stories have been coected in
a number of voumes$ incudin! To oom Nineteen and
The Tem!tation of "ack #rkne$% whie her (frican
stories appear in This &as the #ld Chief's Countr$ and
The Sun Bet(een Their Feet) Shikasta, the first in a
series of five noves with the overa tite of Cano!us in
*rgos+ *rchives, was pubished in 1929. 1er nove The
Good Terrorist won the 3. 1. Smith .iterar* (ward for
19/&$ and the ,ondeo Pri-e in Ita* that *ear. The
Fifth Child won the %rin-ane 4avour Pri-e in Ita*$ an
award voted on b* students in their fina *ear at schoo.
The Making of the e!resentative for ,lanet / was made
into an opera with Phiip %ass$ ibretto b* the author$
and premiered in 1ouston. 1er most recent works
incude the nove$ Ben, in the &orld (the se5ue to The
Fifth Child- and two voumes of her autobio!raph*$
.nder M$ Skin, and &alking in the Shade)
B$ the same author
67RIS ."SSI8%
879".S
:he %rass is Sin!in!
:he %oden 8otebook
Briefin! for a 6escent into 1e
:he Summer Before the 6ark
,emoirs of a Survivor
6iar* of a %ood 8ei!hbour
If the 7d 4oud ...
:he %ood :errorist
:he +ifth 4hid
Pa*in! the %ame
(iustrated b* 4harie (dard)
.ove$ (!ain
,ara and 6ann
Ben$ in the 3ord
'Cano!us in (r!os; *rchives'
series Re; 4oonised Panet &$
Shikasta :he ,arria!es Between Zones
:hree$ +our$ and +ive
:he Sirian "<periments
:he ,akin! of the Representative for
Panet /
6ocuments Reatin! to the
Sentimenta (!ents in the 9o*en
"mpire
'Children of Violence' novel/
se0uence
,artha =uest
( Proper ,arria!e
( Rippe from the Storm
.andocked
:he +our)%ated 4it*
7P"R(S
:he ,arria!es Between Zones :hree$
+our and +ive (,usic b*
Phiip %ass
:he ,akin! of the representative for
Panet / (,usic b* Phiip %ass)
S17R: S:7RI"S
+ive
:he 1abit of .ovin!
( ,an and :wo 3omen
:he Stor* of a 8on),arr*in! ,an
and 7ther Stories
3inter in >u*
:he Back ,adonna
:his 3as the 7d 4hief?s 4ountr*
(4oected (frican Stories$ 9o.1)
:he Sun Between :heir +eet
(4oected (frican Stories$ 9o. 0)
:o Room 8ineteen
(4oected Stories$ 9o.1)
:he :emptation of >ack 7rkne*
(4oected Stories$ 9o. 0)
.ondon 7bserved
:he 7d (!e of " ,a!nifico
P7":R@
+ourteen Poems
6R(,(
"ach 1is 7wn 3iderness
Pa* with a :i!er
:he Sin!in! 6oor
878)+I4:I78
In Pursuit of the "n!ish
Particuar* 4ats
Rufus the Survivor
%oin! 1ome
( Sma Persona 9oice
Prisons 3e 4hoose to .ive Inside
:he 3ind Bows (wa* 7ur 3ords
(frican .au!hter
(A:7BI7%R(P1@
Ander ,* Skin; 9oume I
3akin! in the Shade; 9oume II
The Fifth Child
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Previous* pubished in paperback b* +amin!o 199C The Fifth
and b* Paadin 19/9
+irst pubished in %reat Britain b* Child
>onathan 4ape .td 19//
4op*ri!ht D 6oris .essin! 19//
6oris .essin! asserts the mora ri!ht to be
identified as the author of this work
:his nove is entire* a work of fiction. :he names$
characters and incidents portra*ed in it are the work of the
author?s ima!ination. (n* resembance to actua persons$
ivin! or dead$ events or ocaities is entire* coincidenta.
Photo!raph of 6oris .essin! b* D In!rid 9on Eruse
ISB8 ' &/B '/9'C 9
Set in ,eior
Printed and bound in %reat Britain b*
4a*s .td$ St Ives pc
( ri!hts reserved. 8o part of this pubication ma* be
reproduced$ stored in a retrieva s*stem$ or transmitted$ in
an* form or b* an* means$ eectronic$ mechanica$
photocop*in!$ recordin! or otherwise$ without the prior
permission of the pubishers.
:his book is sod subFect to the condition that it sha not$
b* wa* of trade or otherwise$ be ent$ re)sod$ hired out or
otherwise circuated without the pubisher?s prior consent
in an* form of bindin! or cover other than that in which it
is pubished and without a simiar condition incudin! this
condition bein! imposed on the subse5uent purchaser.
1arriet and 6avid met each other at an office part*
neither had particuar* wanted to !o to$ and both
knew at once that this was what the* had been waitin!
for. Someone conservative$ od)fashioned$ not to sa*
obsoescentG timid$ hard to pease; this is what other
peope caed them$ but there was no end to the
unaffectionate adFectives the* earned. :he*
defended
a stubborn* hed view of themseves$ which was that
the* were ordinar* and in the ri!ht of it$ shoud not be
critici-ed for emotiona fastidiousness$ abstemious)
ness$ Fust because these were unfashionabe 5uaities.
(t this famous office part*$ about two hundred
peope crammed into a on!$ ornate$ and soemn room$
for three hundred and thirt*)four da*s of the *ear a
boardroom. :hree associated firms$ a to do with
puttin! up buidin!s$ were havin! their end)of)*ear
part*. It was nois*. :he poundin! rh*thm of a sma
band shook was and foor. ,ost peope were dancin!$
packed cose because of ack of space$ coupes bobbin!
up and down or revovin! in one spot as if the* were
on invisibe turntabes. :he women were dressed up$
dramatic$ bi-arre$ fu of coour; 2ook at me3 2ook at
me3 Some of the men demanded as much attention.
(round the was were pressed a few non)dancers$ and
2
amon! these were 1arriet and 6avid$ standin! b*
humorous air to be an effort. 1e was makin! simiar
themseves$ hodin! !asses ) observers. Both had menta comments about her; she seemed to disike
refected that the faces of the dancers$ women more these occasions as much as he did. Both had found out
than men$ but men$ too$ coud Fust as we have been who the other was. 1arriet was in the saes department
distorted in screams and !rimaces of pain as in enFo*) of a firm that desi!ned and suppied buidin!
ment. :here was a forced hecticit* to the scene ... but materiasG 6avid was an architect.
these thou!hts$ ike so man* others$ the* had not So what was it about these two that made them
e<pected to share with an*one ese.
freaks and oddbasH It was their attitude to se<I :his
+rom across the room ) if one saw her at a amon! was the si<tiesI 6avid had had one on! and difficut
so man* e*e)demandin! peope ) 1arriet was a paste affair with a !ir he was reuctant* in ove with; she
bur. (s in an Impressionist picture$ or a trick photo) was what he did not want in a !ir. :he* Foked about
!raph$ she seemed a !ir mer!ed with her surround) the attraction between opposites. She Foked that he
in!s. She stood near a !reat vase of dried !rasses and thou!ht of reformin! her; ?I do beieve $ou ima!ine
eaves and her dress was somethin! fower*. :he *ou are !oin! to put the cock back$ startin! with meI?
focusin! e*e then saw cur* dark hair$ which was Since the* had parted$ unhappi* enou!h$ she had
unfashionabe ... bue e*es$ soft but thou!htfu . . . sept ) so 6avid reckoned ) with ever*one in Sissons
ips rather too firm* cosed. In fact$ a her features
Bend J 4o. 3ith the !irs$ too$ he woudn?t be sur)
were stron! and !ood$ and she was soid* buit. (
prised. She was here toni!ht$ in a scaret dress with
heath* *oun! woman$ but perhaps more at home in a
back ace$ a witt* travest* of a famenco dress. +rom
!ardenH this concoction her head startin!* emer!ed. It was
6avid had been standin! Fust where he was for an
pure nineteen)twenties$ for her back hair was seeked
hour drinkin! Fudicious*$ his serious !re*)bue e*es
down into a spike on her neck at the back$ with two
takin! their time over this person$ that coupe$ watch) !oss* back spikes over her ears$ and a back ock on
in! how peope en!a!ed and separated$ ricochetin! off her forehead. She sent frantic waves and kisses to
each other. :o 1arriet he did not have the ook of 6avid from across the room where she circed with her
someone soid* panted; he seemed amost to hover$
partner$ and he smied mati* back; no hard feein!s.
baancin! on the bas of his feet. ( si!ht *oun! man (s for 1arriet$ she was a vir!in. ?( vir!in no(,' her !ir
) he ooked *oun!er than he was ) he had a round$ friends mi!ht shriekG ?are *ou cra-*H? She had not
candid face and soft brown hair !irs on!ed to run thou!ht of hersef as a vir!in$ if this meant a ph*sio)
their fin!ers throu!h$ but then that contempative !a-e o!ica condition to be defended$ but rather as some)
of his made itsef fet and the* desisted. 1e made them thin! ike a present wrapped up in a*ers of deicious*
fee uncomfortabe. 8ot 1arriet. She knew his ook of prett* paper$ to be !iven$ with discretion$ to the ri!ht
watchfu apartness mirrored her own. She Fud!ed his person. 1er own sisters au!hed at her. :he !irs
/ 9
workin! in the office ooked studied* humorous when took her hand and the* s5uee-ed their wa* out of this
she insisted$ ?I am sorr*$ I don?t ike a this seepin! room into the ne<t$ which had the buffet and was as
around$ it?s not for me.? She knew she was discussed fu of nois* peope$ and throu!h that into a corridor$
as an awa*s interestin! subFect$ and usua* unkind*. sparse* popuated with embracin! coupes$ and then
3ith the same chi* contempt that !ood women of her pushed open the first door whose hande *ieded to
!randmother?s !eneration mi!ht have used$ sa*in!$ them. It was an office that had a desk and hard chairs$
?She is 5uite immora *ou know$? or$ ?She?s no better and$ as we$ a sofa. Sience . . . we$ amost. :he*
than she ou!ht to be$? or$ ?She hasn?t !ot a mora to her si!hed. :he* set down their !asses. :he* sat facin!
name?G then (her mother?s !eneration)$ ?She?s man) each other$ so the* mi!ht ook as much as the* wished$
mad$? or$ ?She?s a n*mpho? ) so did the eni!htened and then be!an to tak. :he* taked as if tak were what
!irs of now sa* to each other$ ?It must be somethin! in had been denied to them both$ as if the* were starvin!
her chidhood that?s made her ike this. Poor thin!.? for tak. (nd the* went on sittin! there$ cose$ takin!$
(nd indeed she had sometimes fet hersef unfortu) unti the noise be!an to essen in the rooms across the
nate or deficient in some wa*$ because the men with corridor$ and then the* went 5uiet* out and to his fat$
whom she went out for a mea or to the cinema woud which was near. :here the* a* on his bed hodin!
take her refusa as much as evidence of a pathoo!ica hands and taked$ and sometimes kissed$ and then
outook as an un!enerous one. She had !one about sept. (most at once she moved into his fat$ for she
with a !ir friend$ *oun!er than the others$ for a time$ had been abe to afford on* a room in a bi! communa
but then this one had become ?ike a the others?$ as fat. :he* had aread* decided to marr* in the sprin!.
1arriet despairin!* defined her$ definin! hersef as a 3h* waitH :he* were made for each other.
misfit. She spent man* evenin!s aone$ and went home 1arriet was the odest of three dau!hters. It was not
often at weekends to her mother. 3ho said$ ?3e$ unti she eft home$ at ei!hteen$ that she knew how
*ou?re od)fashioned$ that?s a. (nd a ot of !irs woud much she owed to her chidhood$ for man* of her
ike to be$ if the* !ot the chance.? friends had divorced parents$ ed adventitious and
:hese two eccentrics$ 1arriet and 6avid$ set off from hapha-ard ives$ and tended to be$ as it is put$ dis)
their respective corners towards each other at the same turbed. 1arriet was not disturbed$ and had awa*s
moment; this was to be important to them as the known what she wanted. She had done we enou!h at
famous office part* became part of their stor*. ?@es$ at schoo$ and went to an arts coe!e where she became
e<act* the same time . . .? :he* had to push past a !raphic desi!ner$ which seemed an a!reeabe wa* of
peope aread* s5uee-ed a!ainst wasG the* hed their spendin! her time unti she married. :he 5uestion
!asses hi!h above their heads to keep them out of the whether to be$ or not to be$ a career woman had never
wa* of the dancers. (nd so the* arrived to!ether at bothered her$ thou!h she was prepared to discuss it;
ast$ smiin! ) but perhaps a trife an<ious* ) and he she did not ike to appear more eccentric than she had
1'
11
to be. 1er mother was a contented woman who had
of woman he needed. If 1arriet had seen her future in
ever*thin! she coud reasonab* wantG so it appeared
the od wa*$ that a man woud hand her the ke*s of
to her and to her dau!hters. 1arriet?s parents had taken
her kin!dom$ and there she woud find ever*thin! her
it for !ranted that fami* ife was the basis for a happ*
nature demanded$ and this as her birthri!ht$ which she
one.
had ) at first unknowin!*$ but then ver* determined*
6avid?s back!round was a 5uite different matter. 1is
) been travein! towards$ refusin! a muddes and
parents had divorced when he was seven. 1e Foked$ far
dramas$ then he saw his future as somethin! he must
too often$ that he had two sets of parents; he had been
aim for and protect. 1is wife must be ike him in this;
one of the chidren with a room in two homes$ and
that she knew where happiness a* and how to keep it.
ever*bod* considerate about ps*choo!ica probems.
1e was thirt* when he met 1arriet$ and he had been
:here had been no nastiness or spite$ if pent* of
workin! in the do!!ed discipined manner of an
discomfort$ even unhappiness ) that is$ for the chi)
ambitious man; but what he was workin! for was a
dren. 1is mother?s second husband$ 6avid?s other home.
father$ was an academic$ an historian$ and there was a
8ot possibe to find the kind of house the* wanted$
ar!e shabb* house in 7<ford. 6avid iked this man$
for the ife the* wanted$ in .ondon. (n*wa*$ the*
+rederick Burke$ who was kind$ if remote$ ike his
were not sure .ondon was what the* needed ) no$ it
mother$ who was kind and remote. 1is room in this
wasn?t$ the* woud prefer a smaish town with an
house had been his home ) was$ in his ima!ination$
atmosphere of its own. 3eekends were spent ookin!
his rea home now$ thou!h soon$ with 1arriet$ he
around towns within commutin! distance of .ondon$
woud create another$ an e<tension and ampification
and the* soon found a ar!e 9ictorian house in an
of it. :his home of his was a ar!e bedroom at the back
over!rown !arden. PerfectI But for a *oun! coupe it
of the house overookin! a ne!ected !ardenG a shabb*
was absurd$ a three)store*ed house$ with an attic$ fu
room$ fu of his bo*hood$ and rather chi*$ in the
of rooms$ corridors$ andin!s . . . +u of space for
"n!ish manner. 1is rea father married one of his
chidren$ in fact.
kind; she was a nois*$ kind$ competent woman$ with
But the* meant to have a ot of chidren. Both$
the c*nica !ood humour of the rich. >ames .ovatt was
somewhat defiant*$ because of the enormit* of their
a boat buider$ and when 6avid did consent to visit$
demands on the future$ announced the* ?woud not
his pace coud easi* be a bunk on a *acht$ or a room
mind? a ot of chidren. K"ven four$ or five . . .? ?7r si<$?
(?:his is $our room$ 6avidI?) in a via in the South of
said 6avid. ?7r si<I? said 1arriet$ au!hin! to the point
+rance or the 3est Indies. But he preferred his od
of tears from reief. :he* had au!hed and roed about
room in 7<ford. 1e had !rown up with a fierce private
the bed and kissed and were e<uberant because this$
demand on his future; for his own chidren it woud
the pace where both had e<pected and even been
a be different. 1e knew what he wanted$ and the kind
prepared to accept rebuff or a compromise$ had turned
10 1C
out to be no dan!er at a. But whie 1arriet coud sa*
to 6avid$ 6avid to 1arriet$ KSi< chidren at east$? the*
coud not sa* this to an*one ese. "ven with 6avid?s
5uite decent saar*$ and 1arriet?s$ the mort!a!e of this
house woud be be*ond them. But the* woud man)
ma!e somehow. She woud work for two *ears$ com)
mute with 6avid dai* to .ondon$ and then ...
7n the afternoon the house became theirs$ the* stood
hand in hand in the itte porch$ birds sin!in! a
around them in the !arden where bou!hs were sti
back and !istenin! with the chi* rain of ear* sprin!.
:he* unocked their front door$ their hearts thuddin!
with happiness$ and stood in a ver* ar!e room$ facin!
capacious stairs. Some previous owner had seen a
home as the* did. 3as had been pued down to
make this a room that accommodated near* a the
!round foor. 7ne haf of it was a kitchen$ marked off
from the rest b* no more than a ow wa that woud
have books on it$ the other haf with pent* of space
for settees$ chairs$ a the spraw and comfort of a
fami* room. :he* went !ent*$ soft*$ hard* breath)
in!$ smiin! and ookin! at each other and smiin!
even more because both had tears in their e*es ) the*
went across the bare boards that soon woud have ru!s
on them$ and then sow* up the stairs where od)
fashioned brass rods waited for a carpet. 7n the and)
in!$ the* turned to marve at the !reat room that woud
be the heart of their kin!dom. :he* went on up. :he
i f rst foor had one ar!e bedroom ) theirsG and openin!
off it a smaish room$ which woud be for each new
bab*. :here were four other decent rooms on this foor.
Ap sti !enerous but narrower stairs$ and there were
four more rooms whose windows$ ike the rooms
1#
beow$ showed trees$ !ardens$ awns ) a the perspec)
tives of peasant suburbia. (nd above this foor was an
enormous attic$ Fust ri!ht for the chidren when the*
had !ot to the a!e for secret ma!ica !ames.
:he* sow* descended the stairs$ one fi!ht$ two$
passin! rooms$ and rooms$ which the* were ima!inin!
fu of chidren$ reatives$ !uests$ and came a!ain into
their bedroom. ( ar!e bed had been eft in it. It had
been specia* made$ that bed$ for the coupe the* had
bou!ht the house from. :o take it awa*$ so said the
a!ent$ woud have meant dismantin! it$ and an*wa*
the owners of the bed were !oin! to ive abroad. :here
1arriet and 6avid a* down side b* side$ and ooked
at their room. :he* were 5uiet$ awed b* what the*
were takin! on. Shadows from a iac tree$ a wet sun
behind it$ seemed to be enticin!* sketchin! on the
e<panses of the ceiin! the *ears the* woud ive in
this house. :he* turned their heads towards the win)
dows where the top of the iac showed its vi!orous
buds$ soon to burst into fower. :hen the* ooked at
each other. :ears ran down their cheeks. :he* made
ove$ there$ on their bed. 1arriet amost cried out$ ?8o$
stopI 3hat are we doin!H? +or had the* not decided to
put off havin! chidren for two *earsH But she was
overwhemed b* his purpose ) *es$ that was it$ he was
makin! ove with a deiberate$ concentrated intensit*$
ookin! into her e*es$ that made her accept him$ his
takin! possession of the future in her. She did not have
contraceptives with her. (Both of course distrusted the
Pi.) She was at the hei!ht of her fertiit*. But the*
made ove$ with this soemn deiberation. 7nce. :wice.
.ater$ when the room was dark$ the* made ove a!ain.
M ell,' said 1arriet$ in a itte voice$ for she was
1&
fri!htened and determined not to show it$ ?3e$ that?s
done it$ I?m sure.?
1e au!hed. ( oud$ reckess$ unscrupuous au!h$
5uite unike modest$ humorous$ Fudicious 6avid. 8ow
the room was 5uite dark$ it ooked vast$ ike a back
cave that had no end. ( branch scraped across a wa
somewhere cose. :here was a sme of cod rain* earth
and se<. 6avid a* smiin! to himsef$ and when he fet
her ook$ he turned his head si!ht* and his smie
incuded her. But on his termsG his e*es !eamed with
thou!hts she coud not !uess at. She fet she did not
know him... . ?6avid$? she said 5uick*$ to break the
spe$ but his arm ti!htened around her$ and he !ripped
her upper arm with a hand she had not beieved coud
be so stron!$ insistent. :his !rip said$ Be 5uiet.
:he* a* there to!ether whie ordinariness sow*
came back$ and then the* were abe to turn to each
other and kiss with sma reassurin! da*time kisses.
:he* !ot up and dressed in the cod dark; the eectric)
it* wasn?t on *et. =uiet* the* went down the stairs of
their house where the* had so thorou!h* taken pos)
session$ and into their !reat fami* room$ and et
themseves out into the !arden that was m*sterious
and hidden from them$ not *et theirs.
?3eH? said 1arriet humorous* as the* !ot into his
car to return to .ondon. ?(nd how are we !oin! to pa*
for it a if I am pre!nantH?
=uite so; how were the*H 1arriet indeed became
pre!nant on that rain* evenin! in their bedroom. :he*
had man* bad moments$ thinkin! of the senderness of
their resources$ and of their own frait*. +or at such
times$ when materia support is not enou!h$ it is as if
we are bein! Fud!ed; 1arriet and 6avid seemed to
1B
themseves mea!re and inade5uate$ with nothin! to
hod on to but stubborn beiefs other peope had
awa*s Fud!ed as wron!)headed.
6avid had never taken mone* from his we)off
father and stepmother$ who had paid for his education$
but that was a. ((nd for his sister 6eborah?s edu)
cationG but she had preferred her father?s wa* of ife as he
had preferred his mother?s$ and so the* had not
often met$ and the differences between brother and
sister seemed to him summed up in this ) that she had
chosen the ife of the rich.) 1e did not now want to ask
for mone*. 1is "n!ish parents ) which was how he
thou!ht of his mother and her husband ) had itte
mone*$ bein! unambitious academics.
7ne afternoon$ these four ) 6avid and 1arriet$ 6av)
id?s mother$ ,o*$ with +rederick ) stood in the
fami* room b* the stairs and surve*ed the new kin!)
dom. :here was b* now a ver* ar!e tabe$ which
woud easi* accommodate fifteen or twent* peope$ at
the kitchen endG there were a coupe of vast sofas$ and
some commodious armchairs bou!ht second)hand at a
oca auction. 6avid and 1arriet stood to!ether$ feein!
themseves even more preposterous* eccentric$ and
much too *oun!$ faced with these two eder* peope
who Fud!ed them. ,o* and +rederick were ar!e and
untid*$ with a !reat dea of !re* hair$ wearin! comfort)
abe cothes that compacent* despised fashion. :he*
ooked ike benevoent ha*stacks$ but were not ookin!
at each other in a wa* 6avid knew we.
?( ri!ht$ then$? he said humorous*$ unabe to bear
the strain$ ?*ou can sa* it.? (nd he put his arm around
1arriet$ who was pae and strained because of mornin!
12
sickness and because she had spent a week scrubbin!
1ere 6avid au!hed$ makin! a point ) and an od
f oors and washin! windows.
one$ which ,o* reco!ni-ed$ and faced$ with a con)
?(re *ou !oin! to run a hoteH? en5uired +rederick
scious au!h. ?@ou are not materna$? said 6avid. ?It?s
reasonab*$ determined not to make a Fud!ement.
not *our nature. But 1arriet is.?
?1ow man* chidren are *ou intendin! to haveH?
?9er* we$? said ,o*$ ?it?s *our ife.?
asked ,o*$ with the short au!h that means there is
She teephoned >ames$ her first husband$ who was
no point in protestin!.
on a *acht near the Ise of 3i!ht. :his conversation
?( ot$? said 6avid soft*.
ended with ?I think *ou shoud come and see for
?@es$? said 1arriet. ?@es.? She did not reai-e$ as
*oursef.?
6avid did$ how anno*ed these two parents were.
?9er* we$ I wi$? said he$ a!reein! as much to what
(imin!$ ike a their kind$ at an appearance of uncon)
had not been said as to what had; his difficut* in
formit*$ the* were in fact the essence of convention$
keepin! up with his wife?s unspoken an!ua!es was
and disiked an* manifestation of the spirit of e<a!!er)
the main reason he had been peased to eave her.
ation$ of e<cess. :his house was that.
Soon after this conversation$ 6avid and 1arriet a!ain
?4ome on$ we? !ive *ou dinner$ if there is a decent
stood with 6avid?s parents ) the other pair ) in
hote$? said 6avid?s mother.
contempation of the house. :his time the* were out)
7ver that mea$ other subFects were discussed unti$
side it. >essica stood in the midde of a awn sti
over coffee$ ,o* observed$ ?@ou do reai-e that *ou
covered with the wood* debris of the winter and a
are !oin! to have to ask *our father for hepH?
wind* sprin!$ and critica* surve*ed the house. :o
6avid seemed to wince and suffer$ but he had to face
her it was !oom* and detestabe$ ike "n!and. She
it; what mattered was the house and the ife that woud
was the same a!e as ,o* and ooked twent* *ears
be ived in it. ( ife that ) both parents knew because
*oun!er$ bein! ean and brown and seemin! to !isten
of his ook of determined intention$ which the* Fud!ed
with sun oi even when her skin was without it. 1er
fu of the smu!ness of *outh ) was !oin! to annu$
hair was *eow and short and shin* and her cothes
absove$ cance out a the deficiencies of their ife$
bri!ht. She du! the hees of her Fade)!reen shoes in the
,o*?s and +rederick?sG and of >ames?s and >essica?s awn and ooked at her husband$ >ames.
ife$ too. 1e had aread* been over the house and now he
(s the* separated in the dark car)park of the hote$
said$ as 6avid had e<pected. ?It?s a !ood investment.?
+rederick$ said$ ?(s far as I?m concerned$ *ou are both
?@es$? said 6avid.
rather mad. 3e$ wron!)headed$ then.?
?It?s not overpriced. I suppose that?s because it?s too
?@es$? said ,o*. ?@ou haven?t rea* thou!ht it out.
bi! for most peope. I take it the surve*or?s report was
4hidren ... no one who hasn?t had them knows what
a ri!htH?
work the* make.? ?@es$? said 6avid.
1/ 19
?In that case I sha assume responsibiit* for the compain. 3hen she had taken in the si-e and poten)
mort!a!e. 1ow on! is it !oin! to take to pa* offH? tia of the new house$ she was more sient than usua
?:hirt* *ears$? said 6avid.
for some da*s. She had not found it eas* brin!in! up
?I? be dead b* then$ I e<pect. 3e$ I didn?t !ive *ou
three !irs. 1er husband had been an industria chem)
much in the wa* of a weddin! present.?
ist$ not bad* paid$ but there never had been much
K@ou? have to do the same b* 6eborah$? said >essica.
mone*. She knew the cost$ in ever* wa*$ of a fami*$
K3e have aread* done much more for 6eborah than even a sma one.
for 6avid$? said >ames. K(n*wa*$ we can afford it.?
She attempted some remarks on these ines one
She au!hed$ and shru!!ed; it was most* her mone*. evenin! at supper. 6avid$ 1arriet$ 6oroth*. 6avid had
:his ease with mone* characteri-ed their ife to!ether$ Fust come home ate; the train was dea*ed. 4ommutin!
which 6avid had samped and reFected fierce*$ prefer) was not !oin! to be much fun$ was !oin! to be the
rin! the parsimon* of the 7<ford house ) thou!h he worst of it$ for ever*one$ but particuar* of course for
had never used that word aoud. +ash* and too eas*$ 6avid$ for it woud take near* two hours twice a da*
that was the ife of the richG but now he was !oin! to
to !et to and from work. :his woud be one of his
be behoden to it. contributions to the dream.
K(nd how man* kids are *ou pannin!$ if one ma*
:he kitchen was aread* near what it ou!ht to be;
askH? en5uired >essica$ ookin! ike a parakeet perched
the !reat tabe$ with heav* wooden chairs around it ))
on that damp awn.
on* four now$ but more stood in a row aon! the wa$
?( ot$? said 6avid.
waitin! for !uests and sti unborn peope. :here was
?( ot$? said 1arriet.
a bi! stove$ an (!a$ and an od)fashioned dresser with
?Rather *ou than me$ then$? said >essica$ and with
cups and mu!s on hooks. >u!s were fu of fowers from
that 6avid?s other parents eft the !arden$ and then
the !arden where summer had reveaed a penitude of
"n!and$ with reief.
roses and iies. :he* were eatin! a traditiona "n!ish
8ow entered on to this scene 6oroth*$ 1arriet?s
puddin!$ made b* 6oroth*G outside$ the autumn was
mother. It occurred to neither 1arriet nor 6avid to
estabishin! itsef in f*in! eaves that sometimes hit
think$ or sa*$ K7h %od$ how awfu$ havin! one?s mother
the windowpanes with sma thuds and ban!s$ and in
around a the time$? for if fami* ife was what the*
the sound of a risin! wind. But the curtains were
had chosen$ then it foowed that 6oroth* shoud come
drawn$ warm thick fowered curtains.
indefinite* to hep 1arriet$ whie insistin! that she
?@ou know$? said 6oroth*$ ?I?ve been thinkin! about
had a ife of her own to which she must return. She
*ou two.? 6avid put down his spoon to isten as he
was a widow$ and this ife of hers was most* visitin!
woud never have done for his unword* mother$ or
her dau!hters. :he fami* house was sod$ and she had
his word* father. ?I don?t beieve *ou two ou!ht to
a sma fat$ not ver* nice$ but she was not one to
rush into ever*thin! ) no$ et me have m* sa*. 1arriet
0'
01
is on* twent*)four ) not twent*)five *et. @ou are on*
Fust thirt*$ 6avid. @ou two !o on as if *ou beieve if
*ou don?t !rab ever*thin!$ then *ou? ose it. 3e$
that?s the impression I !et$ istenin! to *ou tak.?
6avid and 1arriet were istenin!; their e*es did
meet$ frownin!$ thou!htfu. 6oroth*$ this ar!e$ whoe)
some$ home* woman$ with her decisive manner$ her
considered wa*s$ was not to be i!noredG the* reco!)
ni-ed what was due to her.
?I do fee that$? said 1arriet.
?@es$ !ir$ I know. @ou were takin! *esterda* of
havin! another bab* strai!ht awa*. @ou? re!ret it$ in
m* view.?
?"ver*thin! could ver* we be taken awa*$? said
6avid$ stubborn. :he enormit* of this$ somethin! that
came from his depths$ as both women knew$ was not
essened b* the 8ews$ which was bastin! from the
radio. Bad news from ever*where; nothin! to what the
8ews woud soon become$ but threatenin! enou!h.
?:hink about it$? said 6oroth*. ?I wish *ou woud.
Sometimes *ou two scare me. I don?t rea* know wh*.?
1arriet said fierce*$ ?Perhaps we ou!ht to have been
born into another countr*. 6o *ou reai-e that havin!
si< chidren$ in another part of the word$ it woud be
norma$ nothin! shockin! about it ) the* aren?t made
to fee criminas.?
?It?s we who are abnorma$ here in "urope$? said
6avid.
?I don?t know about that$? said 6oroth*$ as stubborn
as either of them. ?But if *ou were havin! si< ) or ei!ht$
or ten ) no$ I know what *ou are thinkin!$ 1arriet$ I
know *ou$ don?t IH ) and if *ou were in another part of
the word$ ike "!*pt or India or somewhere$ then haf
00
of them woud die and the* woudn?t be educated$
either. @ou want thin!s both wa*s. :he aristocrac* )
*es$ the* can have chidren ike rabbits$ and e<pect to$
but the* have the mone* for it. (nd poor peope can
have chidren$ and haf of them die$ and e<pect to. But
peope ike us$ in the midde$ we have to be carefu
about the chidren we have so we can ook after them.
It seems to me *ou haven?t thou!ht it out ... no$ I? !o
and make the coffee$ *ou two !o and sit down.?
6avid and 1arriet went throu!h the wide !ap in the
wa that marked off the kitchen to the sofa in the
ivin!)room$ where the* sat hodin! hands$ a si!ht$
stubborn$ rather perturbed *oun! man$ and an enor)
mous$ fushed$ cumsi* movin! woman. 1arriet was
ei!ht months pre!nant$ and it had not been an eas*
pre!nanc*. 8othin! serious* wron!$ but she had been
sick a ot$ sept bad* from indi!estion$ and was disap)
pointed with hersef. :he* were wonderin! wh* it was
that peope awa*s critici-ed them. 6oroth* brou!ht coffee$
set it down$ said$ ?I? do the washin!)up ) no$ *ou Fust sit
there.? (nd went back to the sink.
?But it is what I fee$? said 1arriet$ distressed. ?@es.?
?3e shoud have chidren whie we can$? said
1arriet.
6oroth* said$ from the sink$ ?(t the be!innin! of the
ast war$ peope were sa*in! it was irresponsibe to
have chidren$ but we had them$ didn?t weH? She
au!hed.
?:here *ou are$ then$? said 6avid.
?(nd we kept them$? said 6oroth*.
?3e$ here I am certain*$? said 1arriet.
:he first bab*$ .uke$ was born in the bi! bed
0C
attended most* b* the midwife$ with 6r Brett there$
too. 6avid and 6oroth* hed 1arriet?s hands. It !oes
without sa*in! that the doctor had wanted 1arriet in
hospita. She had been adamantG was disapproved of )
b* him.
It was a wind* cod ni!ht$ Fust after 4hristmas. :he
room was warm and wonderfu. 6avid wept. 6oroth*
wept. 1arriet au!hed and wept. :he midwife and the
doctor had a itte air of festivit* and triumph. :he* a
drank champa!ne$ and poured some on itte .uke?s
head. It was 19BB.
.uke was an eas* bab*. 1e sept most peaceab* in
the itte room off the bi! bedroom$ and was content)
ed* breast)fed. 1appinessI 3hen 6avid went off to
catch his train to .ondon in the mornin!s$ 1arriet was
sittin! up in bed feedin! the bab*$ and drinkin! the tea
6avid had brou!ht her. 3hen he bent to kiss her
!oodb*e$ and stroked .uke?s head$ it was with a fierce
possessiveness that 1arriet iked and understood$ for
it was not hersef bein! possessed$ or the bab*$ but
happiness. 1ers and his.
:hat "aster was the first of the fami* parties. Rooms
had been ade5uate* if sketchi* furnished$ and the*
were fied with 1arriet?s two sisters$ Sarah and
(n!ea$ and their husbands and their chidrenG with
6oroth*$ in her eementG and brief* b* ,o* and
+rederick$ who aowed that the* were enFo*in! them)
seves but fami* ife on this scae was not for them.
4onnoisseurs of the "n!ish scene wi b* now have
reai-ed that on that powerfu$ if nowhere re!istered$
*ardstick$ the "n!ish cass s*stem$ 1arriet scaed
rather ower than 6avid. 3ithin five seconds of an* of
the .ovatts or the Burkes meetin! an* of the 3akers$
0#
the fact had been noted but not commented on )
verba*$ at east. :he 3akers were not surprised that
+rederick and ,o* said the* woud be there for on*
two da*sG not that the* chan!ed their minds when
>ames .ovatt appeared. .ike man* husbands and wives
forced to separate b* incompatibiit*$ ,o* and >ames
enFo*ed meetin! when the* knew the* must short*
part. In fact$ the* a enFo*ed themseves$ a!reein! that
the house was made for it. (round the !reat fami*
tabe$ where so man* chairs coud be comfortab*
accommodated$ peope sat throu!h on! peasant
meas$ or found their wa* there between meas to drink
coffee and tea$ and to tak. (nd au!h ... .istenin! to
the au!hter$ the voices$ the tak$ the sounds of chidren
pa*in!$ 1arriet and 6avid in their bedroom$ or per)
haps descendin! from the andin!$ woud reach for
each other?s hand$ and smie$ and breathe happiness.
8o one knew$ not even 6oroth* ) certain* not 6oroth*
) that 1arriet was pre!nant a!ain. .uke was three
months od. :he* had not meant for 1arriet to be
pre!nant ) not for another *ear. But so it was. K:here?s
somethin! pro!enitive about this room$ I swear it$? said
6avid$ au!hin!. :he* fet a!reeab* !uit*. :he* a*
in their bed$ istenin! to .uke make his bab* noises
ne<t door$ and decided not to sa* a word unti after
ever*one had !one.
3hen 6oroth* was tod$ she was a!ain rather sient$
and then said$ ?3e$ *ou? need me$ won?t *ouH?
:he* did. :his pre!nanc*$ ike the other$ was
norma$ but 1arriet was uncomfortabe and sick$ and
thou!ht to hersef that whie she had not chan!ed her
mind at a about si< (or ei!ht or ten) chidren$ she
0&
woud be Fo* sure there was a !ood interva between in this mirace; the* were abe to unite a these so
this one and the ne<t.
different peope$ and make them enFo* each other.
+or the rest of the *ear$ 6oroth* was peasant* :he second chid$ 1een$ was born$ ike .uke$ in the
around the house$ heped ook after .uke and to make
fami* bed$ with a the same peope there$ and a!ain
curtains for the rooms on the third foor. champa!ne anointed the bab*?s head$ and ever*one
:hat 4hristmas$ 1arriet was a!ain enormous$ in her wept. .uke was evicted from the bab*?s room into the
ei!hth month$ and she au!hed at hersef for her si-e ne<t one down the corridor$ and 1een took his pace.
and unwiediness. :he house was fu. ( the peope :hou!h 1arriet was tired ) indeed$ worn out ) the
who were here for "aster came a!ain. It was acknow) "aster part* took pace. 6oroth* was a!ainst it. K@ou
ed!ed that 1arriet and 6avid had a !ift for this kind of are tired, !ir$? she said. ?@ou are bone tired.? :hen$
thin!. ( cousin of 1arriet?s with three chidren came$ seein! 1arriet?s face; K3e$ a ri!ht$ but *ou aren?t to
too$ for she had heard of the wonderfu "aster part* do an*thin!$ mind.?
that had !one on for a week. ( coea!ue of 6avid?s :he two sisters and 6oroth* made themseves
came with his wife. :his 4hristmas was ten da*s on!$ responsibe for the shoppin! and the cookin!$ the hard
and one feast foowed another. .uke was in his pram work.
downstairs and ever*one fussed over him$ and the 6ownstairs amon! a the peope ) for the house was
oder chidren carried him around ike a do. Brief*$ a!ain fu ) were the two itte creatures$ 1een and
too$ came 6avid?s sister 6eborah$ a coo attractive !ir .uke$ a wisp* fair hair and bue e*es and pink cheeks.
who coud easi* have been >essica?s dau!hter and not .uke was sta!!erin! about$ aided b* ever*one$ and
,o*?s. She was not married$ thou!h she had had 1een was in her pram.
what she described as near misses. In !enera st*e she :hat summer ) it was 19B/ ) the house was fu to
was so far removed from the peope in the house$ a the attic$ near* a fami*. :he house was so con)
basic British ) as the* defined themseves reative to venient for .ondon; peope traveed up with 6avid for
her ) that these differences became a runnin! Foke. She the da* and came back with him. :here was !ood
had awa*s ived the ife of the rich$ had found the wakin! countr* twent* minutes? drive awa*.
shabb* hi!h)mindedness of her mother?s house irritat) Peope came and went$ said the* were comin! for a
in!$ hated peope bein! crammed to!ether$ but con) coupe of da*s and sta*ed a week. (nd how was a
ceded that she found this part* interestin!. this paid forH 3e$ of course ever*one contributedG
:here were tweve aduts and ten chidren. 8ei!h) and$ of course$ not enou!h$ but peope knew 6avid?s
bours$ invited$ did appear$ but the sense of fami* father was rich. 3ithout that mort!a!e bein! paid for$
to!etherness was stron! and e<cuded them. (nd 1ar) none of this coud have happened. ,one* was awa*s
riet and 6avid e<uted that the*$ their obstinac*$ what ti!ht. "conomies were made; a vast hote)si-e free-er
ever*one had critici-ed and au!hed at$ had succeeded bou!ht second)hand was stocked with summer fruit
0B 02
and ve!etabes. 6oroth* and Sarah and (n!ea botted
fruit and Fam and chutne*s. :he* baked bread and the
whoe house smeed of new bread. :his was happi)
ness$ in the od st*e.
:here was a coud$ thou!h. Sarah and her husband$
3iiam$ were unhappi* married$ and 5uarreed$ and
made up$ but she was pre!nant with her fourth$ and a
divorce was not possibe.
4hristmas$ Fust as wonderfu a festiva$ came and
went. :hen "aster . . . sometimes the* a had to
wonder where ever*bod* was fittin! themseves in.
:he coud on fami* happiness that was Sarah and
3iiam?s discord disappeared$ for it was absorbed in
worse. Sarah?s new bab* was 6own?s s*ndrome$ and
there was no 5uestion of them separatin!. 6oroth*
remarked sometimes that it was a pit* there wasn?t two
of her$ Sarah needed her as much$ and more$ than
1arriet. (nd indeed she did take off on visits to her
Sarah$ who was afficted$ whie 1arriet was not.
>ane was born in 192'$ when 1een was two. ,uch
too fast$ scoded 6oroth*$ what was the hurr*H
1een moved into .uke?s room$ and .uke moved one
room aon!. >ane made her contented noises in the
bab*?s room$ and the two itte chidren came into the
bi! fami* bed and cudded and pa*ed !ames$ or the*
visited 6oroth* in her bed and pa*ed there.
1appiness. ( happ* fami*. :he .ovatts were a
happ* fami*. It was what the* had chosen and what
the* deserved. 7ften$ when 6avid and 1arriet a* face
to face$ it seemed that doors in their breasts few open$
and what poured out was an intensit* of reief$ of
thankfuness$ that sti astonished them both; patience
for what seemed now such a ver* on! time had not
0/
been eas*$ after a. It had been hard preservin! their
beief in themseves when the spirit of the times$ the
!reed* and sefish si<ties$ had been so read* to con)
demn them$ to isoate$ to diminish their best seves.
(nd ook$ the* had been ri!ht to insist on !uardin!
that stubborn individuait* of theirs$ which had
chosen$ and so obstinate*$ the best ) this.
7utside this fortunate pace$ their fami*$ beat and
battered the storms of the word. :he eas* !ood times
had utter* !one. 6avid?s firm had been struck$ and he
had not been !iven the promotion he e<pectedG but
others had ost their Fobs and he was uck*. Sarah?s
husband was out of work. Sarah Foked doefu* that
she and 3iiam attracted a the i uck in the can.
1arriet said to 6avid$ private*$ that she did not
beieve it was bad uck; Sarah and 3iiam?s unhappi)
ness$ their 5uarein!$ had probab* attracted the
mon!o chid ) *es$ *es$ of course she knew one
shoudn?t ca them mon!o. But the itte !ir did ook
a bit ike %en!his Ehan$ didn?t sheH ( bab* %en!his
Ehan with her s5uashed itte face and her sitt* e*esH
6avid disiked this trait of 1arriet?s$ a fataism that
seemed so at odds with the rest of her. 1e said he
thou!ht this was si* h*sterica thinkin!; 1arriet
suked and the* had to make up.
:he itte town the* ived in had chan!ed in the five
*ears the* had been here. Bruta incidents and crimes$
once shockin! ever*one$ were now commonpace.
%an!s of *ouths hun! around certain cafes and street)
ends and owed respect to no one. :he house ne<t door
had been bur!ed three times; the .ovatts? not *et$ but
then there were awa*s peope about. (t the end of the
09
road there was a teephone bo< that had been vanda)
i-ed so often the authorities had !iven up; it stood
unusabe. :hese da*s$ 1arriet woud not dream of
wakin! at ni!ht b* hersef$ but once it woud not have
occurred to her not to !o an*where she peased at an*
time of the da* or ni!ht. :here was an u!* ed!e on
events; more and more it seemed that two peopes
ived in "n!and$ not one ) enemies$ hatin! each other$
who coud not hear what the other said. :he *oun!
.ovatts made themseves read the papers$ and watch
the 8ews on teevision$ thou!h their instinct was to do
neither. (t east the* ou!ht to know what went on
outside their fortress$ their kin!dom$ in which three
precious chidren were nurtured$ and where so man*
peope came to immerse themseves in safet*$ comfort$
kindness.
:he fourth bab*$ Pau$ was born in 192C$ between a
4hristmas and an "aster. 1arriet was not ver* we; her
pre!nancies had continued uncomfortabe and fu of
minor probems ) nothin! serious$ but she was tired.
:he "aster festivities were the best ever; that *ear
was the best of a their *ears$ and$ ookin! back
afterwards$ it seemed that the whoe *ear was a cee)
bration$ renewed from a sprin! of ovin! hospitait*
whose !uardians were 1arriet and 6avid$ be!innin! at
4hristmas when 1arriet was so ver* pre!nant$ ever*)
one ookin! after her$ sharin! in the work of creatin!
ma!nificent meas$ invoved with the comin! bab* ...
knowin! that "aster was comin!$ then the on!
summer$ then 4hristmas a!ain ...
"aster went on for three weeks$ a of the schoo
hoida*s. :he house was crammed. :he three itte
chidren had their own rooms but moved in to!ether
C'
when beds were needed. 3hich of course the* adored.
?3h* not et them seep to!ether awa*sH? 6oroth*$ the
others woud en5uire. ?( room each for such itte
tiddersI?
?It?s important$? said 6avid$ fierceG ?ever*one shoud
have a room.?
:he fami* e<chan!ed !ances as famiies do when
stubbin! toes on some sna! in one of them; and ,o*$
who fet hersef both appreciated but in some devious
wa* criticised$ too$ said$ ?"ver*one in the wordI "ver*)
bod*I? She had intended to sound humorous.
:his scene was at breakfast ) or$ rather$ mid)mornin!
) in the fami* room$ breakfast continuin! indefinite*.
( the aduts were sti around the tabe$ fifteen of
them. :he chidren pa*ed amon! the sofas and chairs
of the sittin!)room area. ,o* and +rederick sat side
b* side$ as awa*s$ preservin! their air of Fud!in!
ever*thin! b* the perspectives of 7<ford$ for which$
here$ the* often !ot teased$ but did not seem to mind$
and were humorous* on the defensive. 6avid?s father$
>ames$ had been written to a!ain b* ,o*$ who had
said he must ?fork out? more mone*$ the *oun! coupe
simp* were not copin! with feedin! Ance :om 4ob)
bei!h and a. 1e had sent a !enerous che5ue and then
had come himsef. 1e sat opposite his former wife and
her husband$ and as usua both kinds of peope were
observed e<aminin! each other and marvein! that
the* coud ever have come to!ether. 1e ooked fitted
out for some sportin! occasion; in fact$ he was off
skiin! short*$ ike 6eborah$ who was here with her
itte air of an e<otic bird that had ai!hted in a stran!e
pace and was kept there b* curiosit* ) she was not
C1
!oin! to admit to admiration. 6oroth* was there$ dis) arms$ covered up so as not to upset ever*one$ and
pensin! tea and coffee. (n!ea sat with her husbandG
3iiam was ookin! ever*where but at his wife.
her three chidren pa*ed with the others. (n!ea$
1e ooked instead at 1arriet$ who sat nursin! Pau$
efficient$ brisk (?a coper$? as 6oroth* said$ the ?thank two months od$ in the bi! chair that was hers because
%od? bein! unspoken)$ aowed it to be known that she it was comfortabe for this function. She ooked
fet the two other sisters took up a of 6oroth* and eft e<hausted. >ane had been awake in the ni!ht with her
her nothin!. She was ike a cever$ prett* itte fo<. teeth$ and had wanted ,umm*$ not %rann*.
Sarah$ Sarah?s husband$ cousins$ friends ) the bi!
She had not been much chan!ed b* presentin! the
house had peope tucked into ever* corner$ even on
word with four human bein!s. She sat there at the
the sofas down here. :he attic had on! a!o become a
head of the tabe$ the coar of her bue shirt pushed to
dormitor* stacked with mattresses and seepin! ba!s
one side to show part of a bue)veined white breast$
in which an* number of chidren coud be bedded. (s
and Pau?s ener!etica* movin! itte head. 1er ips
the* sat here in the !reat warm comfortabe room$
were characteristica* firm* set$ and she was observ)
which had a fire burnin! of wood coected b* ever*)
in! ever*thin!; a heath*$ attractive *oun! woman$ fu
one *esterda* from the woodand the* had been wak) of ife. But tired . . . the chidren came rushin! from
in! in$ the rooms above resounded with voices$ and
their pa* to demand her attention$ and she was sud)
with music. Some of the oder chidren were practisin! den* irritabe$ and snapped$ ?3h* don?t *ou !o and
a son!. :his was a house ) and this defined it for
pa* upstairs in the atticH? :his was unike her ) a!ain
ever*one$ admirin! what the* coud not achieve them) !ances were e<chan!ed amon! the aduts$ who took
seves ) where teevision was not often watched.
over the Fob of !ettin! the chidren?s noise out of her
Sarah?s husband$ 3iiam$ was not at the tabe$ but
wa*. In the end$ it was (n!ea who went with them.
oun!in! a!ainst the dividin! waG and the itte dis)
1arriet was distressed because she had been bad)
tance e<pressed what he fet his reation to the fami* tempered. ?I was up a ni!ht$? she be!an$ and 3iiam
was. 1e had eft Sarah twice$ and come home a!ain. It interrupted her$ takin! command ) e<pressin! what
was evident to ever*one this was a process that woud
the* a fet$ and 1arriet knew itG even if she knew wh*
continue. 1e had !ot himsef a Fob$ a poor one$ in the it had to be 3iiam$ the dein5uent husband and
buidin! trade; the troube was that he was distressed
father.
b* ph*sica disabiit*$ and his new dau!hter$ the
?(nd now that?s !ot to be it$ sister)in)aw 1arriet$? he
6own?s s*ndrome bab*$ appaed him. @et he was ver* announced$ eanin! forward from his wa$ hand
much married to Sarah. :he* were a match; both ta$
raised$ ike a band)eader. ?1ow od are *ouH 8o$ don?t
!enerous* buit$ dark$ ike a pair of !*psies$ awa*s in
te me$ I know$ and *ou?ve had four chidren in si<
coourfu cothes. But the poor bab* was in Sarah?s
*ears . . .? 1ere he ooked around to make sure the*
C0 CC
were a with him; the* were$ and 1arriet coud see it.
?3h* notH? said 1arriet. She smied at her mother;
She smied ironica*. ?1ow coud I do betterH?
?( crimina$? she said$ ?that?s what I am.? ?:he* are !oin! to have four more chidren$? 6oroth*
?%ive it a rest$ 1arriet. :hat?s a we ask of *ou$? he said$ appeain! to the others.
went on$ soundin! more and more facetious$ histrionic ?%ood %od$? said >ames$ admirin! but awed. ?3e$
)) as was his wa*. it?s Fust as we I make so much mone*.?
?:he father of four chidren speaks$? said Sarah$
6avid did not ike this; he fushed and woud not
passionate* cuddin! her poor (m*$ def*in! them to
ook at an*one.
sa* aoud what the* must be thinkin!; that she was
?7h don?t be ike that$ 6avid$? said Sarah$ tr*in! not
!oin! out of her wa* to support him$ her unsatisfactor*
to sound bitter; she needed mone*$ bad*$ but it was
husband$ in front of them a. 1e !ave her a !ratefu 6avid$ who was in a !ood Fob$ who !ot so much e<tra.
ook whie his e*es avoided the pathetic bunde she ?@ou aren?t rea* !oin! to have four more chidrenH?
protected. en5uired Sarah$ si!hin! ) and the* a knew she was
?@es$ but at east we spread it out over ten *ears$? he sa*in!$ four more chaen!es to destin*. She !ent* put
said. her hand over the seepin! (m*?s head$ covered in a
?3e are !oin! to !ive it a rest$? announced 1arriet. shaw$ hodin! it safe from the word.
She added$ soundin! defiant$ ?+or at east three *ears.? ?@es$ we are$? said 6avid.
"ver*one e<chan!ed ooks; she thou!ht them ?@es$ we certain* are$? said 1arriet. ?:his is what
condemnin!. ever*one wants$ rea*$ but we?ve been brainwashed
?I tod *ou so$? said 3iiam. ?:hese madmen are out of it. Peope want to ive ike this$ rea*.?
!oin! to !o on.? ?1app* famiies$? said ,o* critica*; she was
?:hese madmen certain* are$? said 6avid.
standin! up for a ife where domesticit* was kept in its
?I tod *ou so$? said 6oroth*. ?3hen 1arriet?s !ot an
pace$ a back!round to what was important.
idea into her head$ then *ou can save *our breath.? ?3e are the centre of this fami*$? said 6avid. ?3e
?>ust ike her mother$? said Sarah fororn*; this are ) 1arriet and me. 8ot *ou$ ,other.?
referred to 6oroth*?s decision that 1arriet needed her
?%od forbid$? said ,o*$ her ar!e face$ awa*s
more than Sarah did$ the defective chid notwithstand) hi!h* cooured$ even more fushed; she was anno*ed.
in!. ?@ou?re much tou!her than she is$ Sarah$? 6oroth* ?7h a ri!ht$? said her son. ?It?s never been *our
had pronounced. ?:he troube with 1arriet is that her st*e.?
e*es have awa*s been bi!!er than her stomach.? ?It?s certain* never been mine$? said >ames$ ?and I?m
6oroth* was near 1arriet$ with itte >ane$ istess not !oin! to apoo!i-e for it.?
from the bad ni!ht$ do-in! in her arms. She sat erect$ ?But *ou?ve been a marveous father$ super$? chir)
soidG her ips were set firm$ her e*es missed nothin!. ruped 6eborah. ?(nd >essica?s been a super mum.?
C# C&
1er rea mother raised her ponderous brows.
added$ in his facetious wa*$ and coud not hep send)
?I don?t seem to remember *our ever !ivin! ,o* in! a ook at his wife.
much of a chance$? said +rederick.
?3e$ natura* *ou are wecome$ Brid!et$? said
?But it?s so co)o)o)d in "n!and$? moaned 6eborah. 6avid. 1e sent a !ance to 1arriet$ who said at once.
>ames$ in his bri!ht$ overbri!ht cothes$ a handsome ?But of course.? She meant$ :hat !oes without sa*in!G
we)preserved !ent dressed for a southern summer$
and the wei!ht of a thousand marita discussions was
aowed himsef the ironica snort of the odster at
behind it$ causin! Brid!et to ook from 6avid to 1arriet
*outhfu tactessness$ and his ook at his wife and her
and back$ and then around the whoe fami*$ sa*in!$
husband apoo!i-ed for 6eborah. ?(nd an*wa*$? he
?3hen I !et married$ this is what I am !oin! to do. I?m
insisted$ ?it isn?t m* st*e. @ou?re 5uite wron!$ 1arriet.
!oin! to be ike 1arriet and 6avid$ and have a bi!
:he opposite is true. Peope are brainwashed into house and a ot of chidren . . . and *ou? a be
beievin! fami* ife is the best. But that?s the past.? wecome.? She was fifteen$ a pain dark pump !ir who
?If *ou don?t ike it$ then wh* are *ou hereH? the* a knew woud short* bossom and become
demanded 1arriet$ much too bei!erent* for this beautifu. :he* tod her so.
peasant mornin! scene. :hen she bushed and ?It?s natura$? said 6oroth* tran5ui*. ?@ou haven?t
e<caimed$ ?8o$ I didn?t mean thatI? an* sort of a home rea*$ so *ou vaue it.?
?8o$ of course *ou don?t mean it$? said 6oroth*. ?Somethin! wron! with that o!ic$? said ,o*.
?@ou?re overtired.?
:he schoo!ir ooked around the tabe$ at a oss.
?3e are here because it?s ove*$? said a schoo!ir
?,* mother means that *ou can on* vaue some)
cousin of 6avid?s. She had an unhapp*$ or at east
thin! if *ou?ve e<perienced it$? said 6avid. ?But I am
compicated$ fami* back!round$ and she had taken to
the ivin! proof that isn?t so.?
spendin! her hoida*s here$ her parents peased she ?If *ou?re sa*in! *ou didn?t have a proper home$?
was havin! a taste of rea fami* ife. 1er name was
said ,o*$ ?that?s Fust nonsense.?
Brid!et.
?@ou had two$? said >ames.
6avid and 1arriet were e<chan!in! on! supportive
?I had m* room$? said 6avid. 'M$ room ) that was
humorous ooks$ as the* often did$ and had not heard home.?
the schoo!ir$ who was now sendin! them pathetic
?3e$ I suppoe we must be !ratefu for that conces)
!ances.
sion. I was not aware *ou fet deprived$? said +rederick.
?4ome on$ *ou two$? said 3iiam$ ?te Brid!et she?s
?I didn?t$ ever ) I had m* room.?
wecome.?
:he* decided to shru!$ and au!h.
?3hatH 3hat?s the matterH? demanded 1arriet. ?(nd *ou haven?t even thou!ht about the probems
3iiam said$ ?Brid!et has to be tod b* *ou that she
of educatin! them a$? said ,o*. ?8ot so far as we
is wecome. 3e ) we a do$ from time to time$? he
can see.?
CB
C2
(nd now here was appearin! that point of difference
that the ife in this house so successfu* smoothed
over. It went without sa*in! that 6avid had !one to
private schoos.
?.uke wi start at the oca schoo this *ear$? said
1arriet. ?(nd 1een wi start ne<t *ear.?
?3e$ if that?s !ood enou!h for *ou$? said ,o*.
?,* three went to ordinar* schoos$? said 6oroth*$
not ettin! this sideG but ,o* did not accept the
chaen!e. She remarked$ ?3e$ uness >ames chips in
to hep ...? thus makin! it cear that she and +rederick
coud not or woud not contribute.
>ames said nothin!. 1e did not even aow himsef
to ook ironica.
?It?s five *ears$ si< *ears$ before we have to worr*
about the ne<t sta!e of education for .uke and 1een$?
said 1arriet$ a!ain soundin! over)irritabe.
Insisted ,o*; ?3e put 6avid down for his schoos
when he was born. (nd 6eborah$ too.?
?3e$? said 6eborah$ ?wh* am I an* better for m*
posh schoos than 1arriet ) or an*one eseH?
?It?s a point$? said >ames$ who had paid for the posh
schoos.
?8ot much of a point$? said ,o*.
3iiam si!hed$ cownin! it; ?6eprived a the rest of
us are. Poor 3iiam. Poor Sarah. Poor Brid!et. Poor
1arriet. :e me$ ,o*$ if I had been to posh schoos
woud I !et a decent Fob nowH?
?:hat isn?t the point$? said ,o*.
?She means *ou?d be happier unempo*ed or in a
i f th* Fob we educated than bad* educated$? said
Sarah.
?I?m sorr*$? said ,o*. ?Pubic education is awfu.
C/
It?s !ettin! worse. 1arriet and 6avid have !ot four
chidren to educate. 3ith more to come$ apparent*.
1ow do *ou know >ames wi be abe to hep *ouH
(n*thin! can happen in the word.?
?(n*thin! does$ a the time$? said 3iiam bitter*$ but
au!hed to soften it.
1arriet moved distressfu* in her chair$ took Pau
off her breast with a ski at conceain! hersef the* a
noted and admired$ and said$ ?I don?t want to have this
conversation. It?s a ove* mornin!. . .?
?I? hep *ou$ of course$ within imits$? said >ames.
?7h$ >ames ...? said 1arriet$ ?thank *ou . . . thank
*ou... . 7h dear ... wh* don?t we !o up to the woodsH
. . . 3e coud take a picnic unch.?
:he mornin! had sid past. It was midda*. Sun
struck the ed!es of the Fo* red curtains$ makin! them
an intense oran!e$ sendin! oran!e o-en!es to !ow on
the tabe amon! cups$ saucers$ a bow of fruit. :he
chidren had come down from the top of the house and
were in the !arden. :he aduts went to watch them
from the windows. :he !arden continued ne!ectedG
there was never time for it. :he awn was patchi*
ush$ and to*s a* about. Birds san! in the shrubs$
i!norin! the chidren. .itte >ane$ set down b* 6oroth*$
sta!!ered out to Foin the others. ( !roup of chidren
pa*ed noisi* to!ether$ but she was too *oun!$ and
stra*ed in and out of the !ame$ in the private word of
a two)*ear)od. :he* skifu* accommodated their
!ame to her. :he week before$ "aster Sunda*$ this
!arden had had painted e!!s hidden ever*where in it.
( wonderfu da*$ the chidren brin!in! in ma!ica e!!s
from ever*where that 1arriet and 6oroth* and Brid!et$
the schoo!ir$ had sat up haf the ni!ht to decorate.
C9
1arriet and 6avid were to!ether at the window$ the
bab* in her arms. 1e put his arm around her. :he*
e<chan!ed a 5uick ook$ haf !uit* because of the
irrepressibe smies on their faces$ which the* fet were
probab* !oin! to e<asperate the others.
?@ou two are incorri!ibe$? said 3iiam. ?:he* are
hopeess$? he said to the others. ?3e$ who?s compain)
in!H I?m notI 3h* don?t we a !o for that picnicH?
:he house part* fied five cars$ chidren wed!ed in
or on the aduts? aps.
Summer was the same; two months of it$ and a!ain
the fami* came and went$ and came a!ain. :he schoo)
!ir was there a the time$ poor Brid!et$ cin!in! fast
to this mirace of a fami*. Rather$ in fact$ as 1arriet
and 6avid did. Both more than once ) seein! the !ir?s
face$ reverentia$ even awed$ awa*s on the watch as if
she feared to miss some reveation of !oodness or !race
the moment she aowed her attention to apse ) saw
themseves. "ven uneasi* saw themseves. It was too
much ... e<cessive ... Sure* the* shoud be sa*in! to
her$ ?.ook here$ Brid!et$ don?t e<pect so much. .ife
isn?t ike thatI? But ife is ike that$ if *ou choose ri!ht;
so wh* shoud the* fee she coudn?t have what the*
had so pentifu*H
"ven before the crowd !athered before the 4hristmas
of 192C$ 1arriet was pre!nant a!ain. :o her utter
disma*$ and 6avid?s. 1ow coud it have happenedH
:he* had been carefu$ particuar* so because of their
determination not to have an* more chidren for a
whie. 6avid tried to Foke$ ?It?s this room$ I swear it?s a
bab*)makerI?
:he* had put off tein! 6oroth*. She was not there$
an*wa*$ because Sarah had said it was unfair that
#'
1arriet !ot a the hep. 1arriet simp* coud not
mana!e. 7ne after another$ three !irs came to hepG
the* had Fust eft schoo and coud not easi* find
work. :he* were not much !ood. 1arriet beieved she
ooked after them more than the* her. :he* came or
didn?t come as the mood took them$ and woud sit
around drinkin! tea with their !ir)friends whie 1ar)
riet toied. She was frantic$ e<hausted . . . she was
peevishG she ost her temperG she burst into tears ...
6avid saw her sittin! at the kitchen tabe$ head in her
hands$ mutterin! that this new foetus was poisonin!
her; Pau a* whimperin! in his pram$ i!nored. 6avid
took a fortni!ht?s eave from his office to come home
and hep. :he* had known how much the* owed
6oroth*$ but now knew it better ) and that when she
heard 1arriet was pre!nant a!ain she woud be an!r*.
9er*. (nd she woud be ri!ht.
?It wi a be easier when 4hristmas starts$? wept
1arriet.
?@ou can?t be serious$? said 6avid$ furious. ?7f course
the* can?t come this 4hristmas.?
?But it is so eas* when peope are here$ ever*one
heps me.?
?>ust for once we? !o to one of them$? said 6avid$
but this idea did not ive for more than five minutes;
none of the other househods coud accomodate si<
e<tra peope.
1arriet a* weepin! on her bed. ?But the* must come$
don?t put them off ) oh$ 6avid$ pease ... at east it?
keep m* mind off it.?
1e sat on his side of the bed watchin! her$ uneas*$
critica$ tr*in! not to be. (ctua* he woud be peased
not to have the house fu of peope for three weeks$ a
#1
month; it cost so much$ and the* were awa*s short of
mone*. 1e had taken on e<tra work$ and here he was
at home$ a nursemaid.
?@ou simp* have to !et someone in to hep$ 1arriet.
@ou must tr* and keep one of them.?
She burst out in indi!nation at the criticism. ?:hat?s
not fairI @ou aren?t here stuck with them ) the* aren?t
an* !ood. I don?t beieve an* of these !irs have done
an hour?s work in their ives.?
?:he*?ve been some hep ) even if it?s on* the
washin!)up.?
6oroth* teephoned to sa* that both Sarah and
1arriet were !oin! to have to mana!e; she$ 6oroth*$
needed a break. She was !oin! home to her fat to
pease hersef for a few weeks. 1arriet was weepin!$
hard* abe to speak. 6oroth* coud not !et out of her
what coud possib* be wron!; she said$ ?9er* we$ I
suppose I? have to come$ then.?
She sat at the bi! tabe with 6avid$ 1arriet$ the four
chidren there$ too$ and ooked severe* at 1arriet. She
had understood her dau!hter was pre!nant a!ain
within haf an hour of arrivin!. :he* coud see from
her set an!r* face that she had terribe thin!s to sa*.
?I?m *our servant$ I do the work of a servant in this
house.? 7r$ ?@ou are ver* sefish$ both of *ou. @ou are
irresponsibe.? :hese words were in the air but were
not spoken; the* knew that if she aowed hersef to
be!in she woud not stop with this.
She sat at the head of the tabe ) the position near
the stove ) stirrin! her tea$ with one e*e on bab* Pau$
who was fretfu in his itte chair and wanted to be
cudded. 6oroth*$ too$ ooked tired$ and her !re* hair
was disordered; she had been !oin! up to her room to
#0
tid* hersef when she had been swaowed in embraces
with .uke and 1een and >ane$ who had missed her
and knew that the crossness and impatience that had
rued the house woud now be banished.
?@ou know that ever*one is e<pectin! to come here
for 4hristmas$? she demanded heavi*$ not ookin! at
them.
?7h *es$ *es$ *es$? camoured .uke and 1een$
makin! a son! and dance of it and rushin! around the
kitchen. ?7h *es$ when are the* comin!H Is :on*
comin!H Is Robin comin!H Is (nne comin!H?
?Sit down$? said 6avid$ sharp and cod$ and the*
!ave him astonished$ hurt ooks and sat.
?It?s cra-*$? said 6oroth*. She was fushed with the
hot tea and with a the thin!s she was forcin! hersef
not to sa*.
?7f course ever*one has to come$? 1arriet said$ weep)
in! ) and ran out of the room.
?It?s ver* important to her$? said 6avid apoo!etica*.
?(nd not to *ouH? :his was sarcastic.
?:he thin! is$ I don?t think 1arriet is an*where near
hersef$? said 6avid$ and hed his e*es on 6oroth*?s$ to
make her face him. But she woud not.
?3hat does that mean$ m* mother isn?t near hersefH?
en5uired .uke$ the si<)*ear)od$ read* to make a word
!ame of it. "ven$ perhaps$ a ridde. But he was per)
turbed. 6avid put out his arm and .uke went to his
father$ stood cose$ ooked up into his face.
?It?s a ri!ht$ .uke$? said 6avid.
?@ou?ve !ot to !et someone in to hep$? said 6oroth*.
?3e have tried.? 6avid e<pained what had happened
with the three amiabe and indifferent !irs.
?6oesn?t surprise me. 3ho wants to do an honest Fob
#C
these da*sH? said 6oroth*. ?But *ou have to !et some)
one. (nd I can te *ou I didn?t e<pect to end m* da*s
as *our and Sarah?s skivv*.?
1ere .uke and 1een !ave their !randmother
increduous ooks and burst into tears. (fter a pause$
6oroth* controed hersef and be!an consoin! them.
?( ri!ht$ it?s a ri!ht$? she said. ?(nd now I?m !oin!
to put Pau and >ane to bed. @ou two$ .uke and 1een$
can put *ourseves to bed. I? come up and sa* !ood
ni!ht. (nd then *our !ran is off to bed. I?m tired.?
:he subdued chidren went off upstairs.
1arriet did not come down a!ain that evenin!G her
husband and her mother knew she was bein! sick.
3hich the* were used to ... but were not used to i
temper$ tears$ fretfuness.
3hen the chidren were in bed$ 6avid did some of
the work he had brou!ht home$ made himsef a sand)
wich$ and was Foined b* 6oroth*$ who had come down
to make hersef tea. :his time the* did not e<chan!e
irritabiites; the* were to!ether in a companionabe
sience$ ike two od campai!ners facin! trias and
difficuties.
:hen 6avid went up into the !reat shadow* bed)
room$ where i!hts from an upstairs window in a
nei!hbourin! house a !ood thirt* *ards awa* sent
!eams and shadows on to the ceiin!. 1e stood ookin!
at the bi! bed where 1arriet a*. (seepH Bab* Pau
was *in! aseep cose to her$ unwrapped. 6avid cau)
tious* eaned over$ foded Pau into his cuddin!
banket$ took him to his room ne<t door. 1e saw
1arriet?s e*es shine as she foowed his movements.
1e !ot into bed and$ as awa*s$ sid out his arm so
##
that she coud put her head on to it and be !athered
cose to him.
But she said$ ?+ee this$? and !uided his hand to her
stomach.
She was near* three months pre!nant.
:his new bab* had not *et shown si!ns of indepen)
dent ife$ but now 6avid fet a Fot under his hand$
5uite a hard movement.
?4an *ou be further aon! that *ou thou!htH? 7nce
more he fet the thrust$ and coud not beieve it.
1arriet was weepin! a!ain$ and he fet$ knowin! of
course this was unfair$ that she was breakin! the rues of
some contract between them; tears and miser* had not
ever been on their a!endaI
She fet reFected b* him. :he* had awa*s oved to
ie here feein! a new ife$ !reetin! it. She had waited
four times for the first itte futters$ easi* mistaken
but then certainG the sensation that was as if a fish
mouthed out a bubbeG the sma responses to her
movements$ her touch$ and even ) she was convinced
) her thou!hts.
:his mornin!$ *in! in the dark before the chidren
woke$ she had fet a tappin! in her be*$ demandin!
attention. 6isbeievin!$ she had haf sat up$ ookin!
down at her sti fat$ if soft$ stomach$ and fet the
imperative beat$ ike a sma drum. She had been
keepin! hersef on the move a da*$ so as not to fee
these demands from the new bein!$ unike an*thin!
she had known before.
?@ou had better !o and !et 6r Brett to check the
dates$? said 6avid.
1arriet said nothin!$ feein! it was beside the point;
she did not know wh* she fet this.
#&

But she did !o to 6r Brett. made about the infuences of their bedroom. :he*
1e said$ ?3e$ perhaps I was out b* a month ) but if responded to the Fokes with reief. But a this Festin!
so$ *ou have rea* been ver* careess$ 1arriet.? had an ed!e on it$ and peope were ookin! at the
:his scodin! was what she was !ettin! from ever*) *oun! .ovatts different* from the wa* the* had done
one$ and she fashed out$ ?(n*one can make a mistake.? before. :he 5uiet* insistent patient 5uait* that had
1e frowned as he fet the emphatic movements in brou!ht them to!ether$ that had caused this house to
her stomach$ and remarked$ ?3e$ there?s nothin! ver* come into bein! and had summoned a these unike*
much wron! with that$ is thereH? 1e ooked dubious$ peope from various parts of "n!and$ and the word$
however. 1e was a harassed$ no on!er *oun! man$ too ) >ames was comin! from Bermuda$ 6eborah from
who$ she had heard$ had a difficut marria!e. She had the States$ and even >essica had promised to put in a
awa*s fet rather superior to him. 8ow she fet at his brief appearance ) this 5uait*$ whatever it was$ this
merc*$ and was ookin! up into that professiona* demand on ife$ which had been met in the past with
reticent face as she a* there$ under his hands$ on!in! respect (!rud!in! or !enerous)$ was now showin! its
for him to sa* somethin! ese. 3hatH (n e4!lanation) reverse side$ in 1arriet *in! pae and unsociabe on
?@ou? have to take it eas*$? he said$ turnin! awa*. her bed$ and then comin! down determined to be one
Behind his back$ she muttered$ ?:ake is eas* *our) of the part* but faiin!$ and !oin! upstairs a!ainG in
sefI? and chided hersef$ @ou bad)tempered co() 6oroth*?s !rim patience$ for she worked from dawn to
"ver*one arrivin! for 4hristmas was tod 1arriet was dusk and often in the ni!ht$ tooG and in the chidren?s
pre!nant ) it was a mistake ) but now the* were 5ueruousness and demands for attention ) particu)
peased$ rea*. . . . But ?Speak for *ourseves$? said ar* itte Pau?s.
6oroth*. Peope had to ra* around$ even more than (nother !ir came in from the via!e$ found b* 6r
the* awa*s did. 1arriet was not to cook$ do house) Brett. She was$ ike the other three$ peasant$ a-*$
work$ do an*thin!. She must be waited upon. seein! nothin! to be done uness her attention was
"ach new person ooked started on hearin! this directed to it$ affronted b* the amount of work needed
news$ then made Fokes. 1arriet and 6avid came into b* four chidren. She did$ however$ enFo* the peope
rooms fu of fami*$ takin!$ who fe sient knowin! sittin! around and takin!$ the sociabe atmosphere$
the* were there. :he* had been e<chan!in! condem) and in no time she was sharin! meas and sittin!
nations. 6oroth*?s roe in keepin! this househod !oin! around with themG she found it 5uite in order to be
was bein! !iven fu credit. :he pressure on 6avid?s waited on b* them. "ver*one knew that she woud find
saar* ) not$ after a$ a ar!e one ) was mentioned. an e<cuse to eave when this dei!htfu house part*
>okes were made about >ames?s probabe reception of broke up.
the news. :hen the teasin! be!an. 6avid and 1arriet 3hich it did$ rather earier than usua. It was not
were commended for their fertiit*$ and Fokes were on* >essica (in her bri!ht summer cothes that made
#B
#2
no concession to the "n!ish winter e<cept for a si!ht
cardi!an) who remembered peope esewhere who had
been promised visits. >essica took hersef off$ and
6eborah with her. >ames foowed. +rederick had to
i f nish a book. :he enraptured schoo!ir$ Brid!et$
found 1arriet *in! down$ her hands pressed into her
stomach$ tears runnin! down her face$ moanin! from
some pain she woud not specif* ) and was so shocked
she$ too$ wept and said she had awa*s known it was
too !ood to ast$ and went off back home to her mother$
who had Fust remarried and did not rea* want her.
:he !ir who had come to hep went home$ and
6avid ooked for a trained nann* in .ondon. 1e coud
not afford one$ but >ames had said he woud pa* for it.
Anti 1arriet was better$ he said; uncharacteristica*
!rump*$ he was makin! it cear he thou!ht that 1arriet
had chosen this ife and now shoud not e<pect ever*)
one to foot the bi.
But the* coud not find a nann*; the nannies a
wanted to !o abroad with famiies who had a bab*$ or
perhaps twoG or to be in .ondon. :his sma town$ and
the four chidren$ with another comin!$ put them off.
Instead$ (ice$ a cousin of +rederick?s$ a widow
down on her uck$ came to hep 6oroth*. (ice was
5uick$ fuss*$ nervous$ ike a itte !re* terrier. She had
three !rown)up chidren$ and !randchidren$ but said
she did not want to be a nuisance to them$ a remark
that caused 6oroth* to make dr* remarks$ which 1ar)
net fet ike accusations. 6oroth* was not peased to
have a woman of her own a!e sharin! authorit*$ but it
coud not be heped. 1arriet seemed unabe to do
an*thin! much.
She went back to 6r Brett$ for she coud not seep or
#/
rest because of the ener!* of the foetus$ which seemed
to be tr*in! to tear its wa* out of her stomach.
?>ust ook at that$? she said as her stomach heaved
up$ convused$ subsided. 'Five months)'
1e made the usua tests$ and said$ ?It?s ar!e for five
months$ but not abnorma* so.?
?1ave *ou ever had a case ike this beforeH? 1arriet
sounded sharp$ peremptor*$ and the doctor !ave her an
anno*ed ook.
?I?ve certain* seen ener!etic babies before$? he said
short*$ and when she demanded$ ?(t five monthsH
.ike thisH? he refused to meet her ) was dishonest$ as
she fet it. ?I? !ive *ou a sedative$? he said. +or her.
But she thou!ht of it as somethin! to 5uiet the bab*.
8ow$ afraid of askin! 6r Brett$ she be!!ed tran5ui)
i-ers from friends$ and from her sisters. She did not
te 6avid how man* she was takin!$ and this was the
i f rst time she had hidden an*thin! from him. :he
foetus was 5uiet for about an hour after she dosed
hersef$ and she was !iven a respite from the ceaseess
batterin! and strivin!. It was so bad that she woud cr*
out in pain. (t ni!ht$ 6avid heard her moan$ or
whimper$ but now he did not offer comfort$ for it
seemed that these da*s she did not find his arms
around her an* hep.
?,* God,' she said$ or !runted$ or !roaned$ and then
sudden* sat up$ or scrambed out of bed and went
doubed up out of the room$ fast$ escapin! from the
pain.
1e had stopped puttin! his hand on her stomach$ in
the od companionabe wa*$ for what he fet there was
be*ond what he coud mana!e with. It was not possibe
that such a tin* creature coud be showin! such fearfu
#9
i
stren!thG and *et it did. (nd nothin! he said seemed
to reach 1arriet$ who$ he fet$ was possessed$ had !one
ri!ht awa* from him$ in this batte with the foetus$
which he coud not share.
1e mi!ht wake to watch her pacin! the room in the
dark$ hour after hour. 3hen she at ast a* down$
re!uatin! her breathin!$ she woud start up a!ain$
with an e<camation$ and$ knowin! he was awake$
woud !o downstairs to the bi! fami* room where she
coud stride up and down$ !roanin!$ swearin!$ weep)
in!$ without bein! observed.
(s the "aster hoida* approached and the two oder
women made remarks about !ettin! the house read*$
1arriet said$ ?:he* can?t come. :he* can?t possib*
come.?
?:he*? e<pect it$? said 6oroth*.
?3e can mana!e$? said (ice.
?8o$? said 1arriet.
3ais and protests from the chidren$ and 1arriet
did not soften. :his made 6oroth* even more disap)
provin!. 1ere she was$ with (ice$ two capabe
women$ doin! a the work$ and the east 1arriet coud
do...
?@ou?re sure *ou don?t want them to comeH? asked
6avid$ who had been be!!ed b* the chidren to make
her chan!e her mind.
?7h$ do what *ou ike$? 1arriet said.
But when "aster came$ 1arriet was proved ri!ht; it
was not a success. 1er strained$ abstracted face as she
sat there at her tabe$ stiff* upri!ht$ braced for the ne<t
Fot$ or Fab$ stopped conversation$ spoied the fun$ the
!ood times. ?3hat have *ou !ot in thereH? asked 3i)
iam$ Focuar but uneas*$ seein! 1arriet?s stomach
convuse. ?( wresterH?
&'
?%od on* knows$? said 1arriet$ and she was bitter$
not Fokin!. ?1ow am I !oin! to !et throu!h to >u*H? she
demanded$ in a ow appaed voice. ?I can?tI I simp*
can?t do itI?
:he* a ) 6avid$ too ) Fud!ed that she was simp*
e<hausted because this bab* was comin! too soon. She
must be humoured. (one in her ordea ) and she had to
be$ she knew that$ and did not bame her fami* for not
acceptin! what she was bein! sow* forced to accept
) she became sient$ morose$ suspicious of them a and
their thou!hts about her. :he on* thin! that heped
was to keep movin!.
If a dose of some sedative kept the enem* ) so she
now thou!ht of this sava!e thin! inside her ) 5uiet for
an hour$ then she made the most of the time$ and sept$
!rabbin! seep to her$ hodin! it$ drinkin! it$ before she
eaped out of bed as it woke with a heave and a stretch
that made her fee sick. She woud cean the kitchen$
the ivin!)room$ the stairs$ wash windows$ scrub cup)
boards$ her whoe bod* ener!etica* den*in! the pain.
She insisted that her mother and (ice et her work$
and when the* said there was no need to scrub the
kitchen a!ain$ she said$ ?+or the kitchen no$ for me
*es.? B* breakfast time she mi!ht have aread* worked
for three or four hours$ and ooked ha!)ridden. She
took 6avid to the station$ and the two oder chidren
to schoo$ then parked the car somewhere and waked.
She amost ran throu!h streets she hard* saw$ hour
after hour$ unti she understood she was causin! com)
ment. :hen she took to drivin! a short wa* out of the
town$ where she waked aon! the countr* anes$ fast$
sometimes runnin!. Peope in passin! cars woud turn$
&1
ama-ed$ to see this hurr*in! driven woman$ white)
faced$ hair f*in!$ open)mouthed$ pantin!$ arms
cenched across her front. If the* stopped to offer hep$
she shook her head and ran on.
:ime passed. It did pass$ thou!h she was hed in an
order of time different from those around her ) and not
the pre!nant woman?s time either$ which is sow$ a
caendar of the !rowth of the hidden bein!. 1er time
was endurance$ containin! pain. Phantoms and chi)
meras inhabited her brain. She woud think$ 3hen the
scientists make e<periments$ wedin! two kinds of
anima to!ether$ of different si-es$ then I suppose this
is what the poor mother fees. She ima!ined pathetic
botched creatures$ horrib* rea to her$ the products of
a %reat 6ane or a bor-oi with a itte spanieG a ion
and a do!G a !reat cart horse and a itte donke*G a ti!er
and a !oat. Sometimes she beieved hooves were cut)
tin! her tender inside fesh$ sometimes caws.
In the afternoon$ she coected the chidren from
schoo$ and$ ater$ 6avid from the station. She waked
around the kitchen as suppers were eaten$ encoura!ed
the chidren to watch teevision$ and then went up to
the third foor where she hastened up and down the
corridor.
:he fami* coud hear her swift heav* steps$ up
there$ and did not et their e*es meet.
:ime passed. It did pass. :he seventh month was
better$ and this was because of the amount of dru!s she
took. (ppaed at the distance that had !rown up
between her and her husband$ between her and the
chidren$ her mother$ (ice$ she now panned her da*
for one thin!; that she woud seem to be norma
between the hours of four$ when 1een and .uke ended
&0
schoo$ unti ei!ht or nine$ when the* went to bed. :he
dru!s did not seem to be affectin! her much; she was
wiin! them to eave her aone and to reach the bab*$
the foetus ) this creature with whom she was ocked in
a stru!!e to survive. (nd for those hours it was
5uiet$ or if it showed si!ns of comin! awake$ and
i f !htin! her$ she took another dose.
7h how ea!er ever*one was to wecome her back
into the fami*$ norma$ hersef; the* i!nored$ because
she wanted them to$ her tenseness$ her tiredness.
6avid woud put his arms around her and sa*$ ?7h$
1arriet$ *ou are a ri!htH?
T(o months to go)
K@es$ *es$ I am. Rea*.? (nd she sient* addressed the
bein! crouchin! in her womb; K8ow *ou shut up or I?
take another pi.? It seemed to her that it istened and
understood.
( scene in the kitchen; fami* supper. 1arriet and
6avid commanded the head and foot of the tabe. .uke
and 1een sat to!ether on one side. (ice hed itte
Pau$ who coud never !et enou!h cuddin!; he !ot so
itte from his mother. >ane sat near 6oroth*?s pace$
who was at the stove$ ade in her hand. 1arriet ooked
at her mother$ a ar!e heath* woman in her fifties$
with her bush of iron)!re* curs$ and her pink fresh
face$ and her ar!e bue e*es ?ike oipops? ) a fami*
Foke ) and thou!ht$ I?m as stron! as she is. I? survive.
(nd she smied at (ice$ thin$ wir*$ tou!h$ ener!etic$
and thou!ht a!ain$ :hese eder* women$ ook at them$
the*?ve survived ever*thin!.
6oroth* was fiin! their pates with ve!etabe soup.
She sat down$ at eisure$ with her own pate. Bread
was passed around$ a bi! basket of it.
&C
(
1appiness had returned and sat at the tabe with
them ) and 1arriet?s hand$ unseen beow the eve of
the tabe)top$ was hed over the enem*; 5ou be 0uiet)
?( stor*$? said .uke. ?( stor*$ 6add*.?
7n da*s when there was schoo tomorrow$ the chi)
dren had supper ear* and went up to bed. But on
+rida*s and Saturda*s the* ate with the !rown)ups
and a stor* was tod durin! the mea.
1ere$ encosed in the hospitabe kitchen$ it was
warm and steam* with the sme of soup. 7utside was
a busterin! ni!ht. ,a*. :he curtains were not drawn.
( branch stretched across the window; a sprin!
branch$ fu of pristine bossom$ pae in the twii!ht$
but the air that beat on the panes had been basted
down south from some iceber! or snow)fied. 1arriet
was spoonin! in soup$ and broke hunks of bread into
it. 1er appetite was enormous$ insatiabe ) so bad she
was ashamed and raided the frid!e when no one coud
see her. She woud interrupt her nocturna pere!rina)
tions to stuff into hersef an*thin! she coud find to
eat. She even had secret caches ike an acohoic?s
hoards$ on* it was food; chocoate$ bread$ pies.
6avid be!an$ ?:wo chidren$ a bo* and a !ir$ set off
one da* to have an adventure in the forest. :he* went a
on! wa* into the forest. It was hot outside$ but under the
trees it was coo. :he* saw a deer *in! down$
restin!. Birds fitted about and san! to them.?
6avid stopped to eat soup. 1een and .uke sat with
their e*es on his face$ motioness. >ane istened$ too$
but different*. +our *ears od; she ooked to see how
the* took in the stor*$ and copied them$ fi<in! her e*es
on her father.
?6o the birds sin! to usH? en5uired .uke doubtfu*$
&#
frownin!. 1e had a stron!$ severe faceG and$ as awa*s$
he demanded the truth. ?3hen we are in the !arden
and the birds sin!$ are the* sin!in! to usH?
?7f course not$ si*$? said 1een. ?It was a ma!ic
forest.?
?7f course the* sin! to *ou$? said 6oroth* firm*.
:he chidren$ first hun!er appeased$ sat with their
spoons in their hands$ wide e*es on their father.
1arriet?s heart oppressed her; it was their open trust)
funess$ their hepessness. :he teevision was on; a
professiona* coo voice was tein! about some mur)
ders in a .ondon suburb. She umbered over to turn it
off$ podded back$ served hersef more soup$ pied in
the bread ... She istened to 6avid?s voice$ toni!ht the
stor*teer?s voice$ so often heard in the kitchen$ hers$
6oroth*?s )
?3hen the chidren !ot hun!r*$ the* found a bush
covered with chocoate sweets. :hen the* found a poo
made of oran!e Fuice. :he* were seep*. :he* a*
under a bush near the friend* deer. 3hen the* woke up$
the* said thank *ou to the deer and went on.
KSudden* the itte !ir found she was aone. She
and her brother had ost each other. She wanted to !o
home. She did not know which wa* to wak. She was
ookin! for another friend* deer$ or a sparrow$ or an*
bird$ to te her where she was and show her the wa*
out of the forest. She wandered about for a on! time$
and then she was thirst* a!ain. She bent over a poo
wonderin! if it woud be oran!e Fuice$ but it was water$
cear pure forest water$ and it tasted of pants and
stones. She drank$ from her hands.? 1ere the two oder
chidren reached for their !asses and drank. >ane
interaced her fin!ers to form a cup.
&&
KShe sat there b* the poo. Soon it woud be dark.
She bent over the poo to see if there was a fish who
coud te her the wa* out of the forest$ but she saw
somethin! she didn?t e<pect. It was a !ir?s face$ and
she was ookin! strai!ht up at her. It was a face she
had never seen in her whoe ife. :his stran!e !ir was
smiin!$ but it was a nast* smie$ not friend*$ and the
itte !ir thou!ht this other !ir was !oin! to reach up
out of the water and pu her down into it ...?
( heav*$ shocked$ indrawn breath from 6oroth*$
who fet this was too fri!htenin! at bedtime.
But the chidren sat fro-en with attention. .itte
Pau$ !ri--in! on (ice?s ap$ earned from 1een ?Be
5uiet$ shut up.?
?Ph*is ) that was the itte !ir?s name ) had never
seen such fri!htenin! e*es.?
KIs that Ph*is in m* nurser* schooH? asked >ane.
?8o$? said .uke.
?8o$? said 1een.
6avid had stopped. (pparent* for inspiration.
1e
was frownin!$ had an abstracted ook$ as if he had a
headache. (s for 1arriet$ she was wantin! to cr* out$
KStop ) stop itI @ou are takin! about me ) this is what
*ou are feein! about meI? She coud not beieve that
6avid did not see it.
?3hat happened thenH? asked .uke. ?3hat happened
e<act*H?
?3ait$? said 6avid. K3ait$ m* soup . . .? 1e ate.
KI know what happened$? said 6oroth* firm*. ?Ph*)
is decided to eave that nast* poo at once) She
ran
fast aon! a path unti she bumped into her brother. 1e
was ookin! for her. :he* hed each other?s hands and
the* ran out of the forest and the*$ ran safe* home.?
&B
K:hat was it$ e<act*$? said 6avid. 1e was smiin!
ruefu*$ but ooked bemused.
?(nd that was what rea* rea* happened$ 6add*H?
demanded .uke$ an<ious.
K(bsoute*$? said 6avid.
?3ho was that !ir in the poo$ who was sheH?
demanded 1een$ ookin! from her father to her
mother.
?7h Fust a ma!ic !ir$? said 6avid casua*. ?I have no
idea. She Fust materiai-ed.?
?3hat?s materiai-edH? asked .uke$ sa*in! the word
with difficut*.
?It?s bedtime$? said 6oroth*.
?But what is materiai-edH? .uke insisted.
?3e haven?t had an* puddin!I? cried >ane.
?:here?s no puddin!$ there?s fruit$? said 6oroth*.
?3hat is materiai-ed$ 6add*H? .uke an<ious*
persisted.
?It is when somethin! that wasn?t there sudden* is
there.?
?But wh*$ wh* is itH? waied 1een$ distressed.
6oroth* said$ KApstairs$ chidren.?
1een took an appe$ .uke another$ and >ane ifted
some bread off her mother?s pate with a 5uick$ con)
scious$ mischievous smie. She had not been upset b*
the stor*.
:he three chidren went noisi* up the stairs$ and
bab* Pau ooked after them$ e<cuded$ his face puck)
erin!$ read* to cr*.
(ice swift* !ot up with him and went after the
chidren$ sa*in!$ K8o one tod me stories when I was
itteI? It was hard to te whether this was a compaint
or$ Kand I?m better for it.?
67
Sudden*$ .uke appeared on the andin!. ?Is ever*)
one comin! for the summer hoida*sH?
6avid !anced worried* at 1arriet ) then awa*.
6oroth* ooked steadi* at her dau!hter.
?@es$? said 1arriet weak*. ?7f course.?
.uke caed up the stairs$ ?She said$ L7f courseLI?
6oroth* said$ ?@ou wi have Fust had this bab*.?
?It?s up to *ou and (ice$? said 1arriet. ?If *ou fee
*ou can?t cope$ then *ou must sa* so.?
?It seems to me that I cope$? said 6oroth*$ dr*.
?@es$ I know$? said 6avid 5uick*. ?@ou?re
marveous.?
?(nd *ou don?t know what *ou woud have done ) ?
?6on?t$? said 6avid. (nd to 1arriet; ?,uch better that
we put thin!s off$ and have them a at 4hristmas.?
?:he chidren wi be so disappointed$? said 1arriet.
:his did not sound ike her od insistence; it was fat
and indifferent. 1er husband and her mother e<amined
her curious* ) so 1arriet fet their inspection of her$
detached$ unkind. She said !rim*$ ?3e$ perhaps this
bab* wi be born ear*. Sure* it must.? She au!hed
painfu*$ and then sudden* she !ot up$ e<caimin!$ ?I
must move$ I have toI? and be!an her do!!ed$ painfu
hour)after)hour wak back and forth$ up and down.
She went to 6r Brett at ei!ht months and asked him
to induce the bab*.
1e ooked critica* at her and said$ ?I thou!ht *ou
didn?t beieve in it.?
?I don?t. But this is different.?
?8ot that I can see.?
?It?s because *ou don?t want to. It?s not *ou who is
carr*in! this ) ? She cut off monster, afraid of
anta!o)
ni-in! him. ?.ook$? she said$ tr*in! to sound cam$ but
&/
her voice was an!r* and accusin!$ ?woud *ou sa* I
was an unreasonabe womanH 1*stericaH 6ifficutH
>ust a pathetic h*sterica womanH?
?I woud sa* that *ou are utter* worn out. Bone
tired. @ou never did find bein! pre!nant eas*$ did *ouH
1ave *ou for!ottenH I?ve had *ou sittin! here throu!h
four pre!nancies$ with a kinds of probems ) a
credit to *ou$ *ou put up with ever*thin! ver* we.?
?But it?s not the same thin!$ it is absolutel$ different$
I don?t understand wh* *ou can?t see it. 4an?t *ou see
itH? She thrust out her stomach$ which was heavin!
and ) as she fet it ) seethin! as she sat there.
:he doctor ooked dubious* at her stomach$ si!hed$
and wrote her a prescription for more sedatives.
8o$ he coudn?t see it. Rather$ he woudn?t ) that was
the point. 8ot on* he$ but a of them$ the* (ouldn't
see how different this was.
(nd as she waked$ strode$ ran aon! the countr*
anes$ she fantasi-ed that she took the bi! kitchen
knife$ cut open her own stomach$ ifted out the chid )
and when the* actua* set e*es on each other$ after
this on! bind stru!!e$ what woud she seeH
Soon$ near* a month ear*$ the pains be!an. 7nce
she started$ abour had awa*s !one 5uick*. 6oroth*
ran! 6avid in .ondon$ and at once took 1arriet into
hospita. +or the first time$ 1arriet had insisted on a
hospita$ surprisin! ever*one.
B* the time she was there$ there were stron! wrench)
in! pains$ worse$ she knew$ than ever in the past. :he
bab* seemed to be fi!htin! its wa* out. She was bruised )
she knew itG inside she must be one enormous back
bruise ... and no one woud ever know.
3hen at ast the moment came when she coud be
&9
!iven obivion$ she cried out$ ?:hank %od$ thank %od$
it?s over at astI? She heard a nurse sa*in!$ ?:his one?s a
rea itte tou!hie$ ook at him.? :hen a woman?s
voice was sa*in!$ ?,rs .ovatt$ ,rs .ovatt$ are *ou with
usH 4ome back to usI @our husband is here$ dear.
@ou?ve a heath* bo*.?
?( rea itte wrester$? said 6r Brett. ?1e came out
au!h$ ?1e?s ike a tro$ or a !obin or somethin!.? (nd
she cudded him$ to make up. But he was stiff and
heav*.
?4ome$ 1arriet$? said 6r Brett$ anno*ed at her. (nd
she thou!ht$ I?ve been throu!h this with 6r bood*
Brett four times and it?s awa*s been marveous$ and
now he?s ike a schoomaster.
i f !htin! the whoe word.?
She raised hersef with difficut*$ because the ower
haf of her bod* was too sore to move. :he bab* was
put into her arms. "even pounds of him. :he others
had not been more than seven pounds. 1e was muscu)
ar$ *eowish$ on!. It seemed as if he were tr*in! to
stand up$ pushin! his feet into her side.
?1e?s a funn* itte chap$? said 6avid$ and he
sounded disma*ed.
1e was not a prett* bab*. 1e did not ook ike a bab*
at a. 1e had a heav*)shoudered hunched ook$ as if
he were crouchin! there as he a*. 1is forehead soped
from his e*es to his crown. 1is hair !rew in an unusua
pattern from the doube crown where started a wed!e
or trian!e that came ow on the forehead$ the hair
*in! forward in a thick *eowish stubbe$ whie the
side and back hair !rew downwards. 1is hands were
thick and heav*$ with pads of musce in the pams. 1e
opened his e*es and ooked strai!ht up into his moth)
er?s face. :he* were focused !reen*)*eow e*es$ ike
umps of soapstone. She had been waitin! to e<chan!e
ooks with the creature who$ she had been sure$ had
been tr*in! to hurt her$ but there was no reco!nition
there. (nd her heart contracted with pit* for him; poor
itte beast$ his mother disikin! him so much ... But
she heard hersef sa* nervous*$ thou!h she tried to
B'
She bared her breast and offered the chid her nippe.
:he nurses$ the doctor$ her mother$ and her husband
stood watchin!$ with the smies that this moment
imposed. But there was none of the atmosphere of
festiva$ of achievement$ no champa!neG on the con)
trar*$ there was a strain in ever*one$ apprehension. (
stron!$ suckin! refe<$ and then hard !ums camped
down on her nippe$ and she winced. :he chid ooked at
her and bit$ hard.
' &ell,' said 1arriet$ tr*in! to au!h$ removin! him.
?:r* him a itte more$? said the nurse.
1e was not cr*in!. 1arriet hed him out$ chaen!in!
the nurse with her e*es to take him. :he nurse$ mouth
ti!ht with disapprova$ took the bab*$ and he was put
unprotestin! in his cot. 1e had not cried since he was
born$ e<cept for a first roar of protest$ or perhaps
surprise.
:he four chidren were brou!ht in to see their new
brother in the hospita ward. :he two other women
who shared the room with her had !ot out of bed and
taken their babies to a da*)room. 1arriet had refused
to !et out of bed. She tod the doctors and nurses she
needed time for her interna bruises to heaG she said
this amost defiant*$ careess*$ indifferent to their
critica ooks.
6avid stood at the end of the bed$ hodin! bab* Pau.
B1
($
,J
1arriet *earned for this bab*$ this itte chid$ from
whom she had been separated so soon. She oved the
ook of him$ the comica soft itte face$ with soft bue
e*es ) ike buebes$ she thou!ht ) and his soft itte
imbs ... it was as if she were sidin! her hands aon!
them$ and then encosin! his feet in her pams. ( rea
bab*$ a rea itte chid ...
:he three oder chidren stared down at the new)
comer who was so different from them a; of a different
substance$ so it seemed to 1arriet. Part* this was
because she was sti respondin! to the ook of him
with her memories of his difference in the womb$ but
part* it was because of his heav*$ saow umpishness.
(nd then there was this stran!e head of his$ sopin!
back from the e*ebrow rid!es.
?3e are !oin! to ca him Ben$? said 1arriet.
?(re weH? said 6avid.
?@es$ it suits him.?
.uke on one side$ 1een on the other$ took Ben?s
sma hands$ and said$ ?1eo$ Ben.? ?1eo$ Ben.? But
the bab* did not ook at them.
>ane$ the four)*ear)od$ took one of his feet in her
hand$ then in her two hands$ but he vi!orous* kicked
her awa*.
1arriet found hersef thinkin!$ I wonder what the
mother woud ook ike$ the one who woud wecome
this ) aien.
She sta*ed in bed a week ) that is$ unti she fet she
coud mana!e the stru!!e ahead ) and then went
home with her new chid.
:hat ni!ht$ in the connubia bedroom$ she sat up
a!ainst a stack of piows$ nursin! the bab*. 6avid was
watchin!.
B0
Ben sucked so stron!* that he emptied the first
breast in ess than a minute. (wa*s$ when a breast
was near* empt*$ he !round his !ums to!ether$ and
so she had to snatch him awa* before he coud be!in.
It ooked as if she were unkind* deprivin! him of the
breast$ and she heard 6avid?s breathin! chan!e. Ben
roared with ra!e$ fastened ike a eech to the other
nippe$ and sucked so hard she fet that her whoe
breast was disappearin! down his throat. :his time$
she eft him on the nippe unti he !round his !ums
hard to!ether and she cried out$ puin! him awa*.
?1e?s e<traordinar*$? said 6avid$ !ivin! her the sup)
port she needed.
?@es$ he is, he?s absoute* not ordinar*.?
?But he?s a ri!ht$ he?s Fust ...?
?( norma heath* fine bab*$? said 1arriet$ bitter$
5uotin! the hospita.
6avid was sient; it was this an!er$ this bitterness in
her that he coud not hande.
She was hodin! Ben up in the air. 1e was wrestin!$
i f !htin!$ stru!!in!$ cr*in! in his characteristic wa*$
which was a roar or a beow$ whie he went *eowish
white with an!er ) not red$ ike a norma cross bab*.
3hen she hed him to !et up the wind$ he seemed to
be standin! in her arms$ and she fet weak with fear at
the thou!ht that this stren!th had so recent* been
inside her$ and she at its merc*. +or months$ he had
been fi!htin! to !et out$ Fust as now he fou!ht in her
!rasp to become independent.
3hen she aid him in his cot$ which she was awa*s
!ad to do because her arms ached so bad*$ he be)
owed out his ra!e$ but soon a* 5uiet$ not seepin!$
fu* aert$ his e*es focused$ and his whoe bod* fe<in!
BC
and unfe<in! with a stron! pushin! movement of
hees and head she was famiiar with; it was what had
made her fee she was bein! torn apart when he was
inside her.
She went back into bed beside 6avid. 1e put out his
arm$ so that she coud ie b* him$ inside it$ but she fet
treacherous and untruthfu$ for he woud not have
iked what she was thinkin!.
Soon she was e<hausted with feedin! Ben. 8ot that
he did not thrive; he did. 1e was two pounds over his
birth wei!ht when he was a month$ which was when
he woud have been ess than a week od if he had
!one fu term.
1er breasts were painfu. ,akin! more mik than
the* ever had had to do$ her chest sweed into two
burstin! white !obes on! before the ne<t feed was
due. But Ben was aread* roarin! for it$ and she fed
him$ and he drained ever* drop in two or three
minutes. She fet the mik bein! dra!!ed in streams
from her. 8ow he had be!un somethin! new; he had
taken to interruptin! the fierce suckin! severa times
durin! a feed$ and brin!in! his !ums to!ether in the
hard !rindin! movement that made her cr* out in pain.
1is sma cod e*es seemed to her maevoent.
?I?m !oin! to put him on the botte$? she said to
6oroth*$ who was watchin! this batte with the ook$
it seemed to 1arriet$ ever*one had when watchin! Ben.
She was absoute* sti and intent$ fascinated$ amost
h*pnoti-ed$ but there was repu!nance there$ too. (nd
fearH
1arriet had e<pected her mother to protest with ?But
he?s on* five weeks odI? ) but what 6oroth* said was
?@es$ *ou must$ or *ou? be i.? ( itte ater$ watchin!
B#
Ben roar$ and twist and fi!ht$ she remarked. ?:he*?
a be comin! soon for the summer.? She spoke in a
wa* new to her$ as if istenin! to what she said and
afraid of what she mi!ht sa*. 1arriet reco!ni-ed it$ for
this was how she fet sa*in! an*thin! at a. So do
peope speak whose thou!hts are runnin! aon!
secret* in channes the* woud rather other peope
did not know about.
7n that same da*$ 6oroth* came into the bedroom
where 1arriet fed Ben$ and saw 1arriet puin! the
chid cear of breasts that had bruises a around the
nippes. She said$ ?6o it. 6o it now. I?ve bou!ht the
bottes$ and the mik. I?m sterii-in! the bottes now.?
?@es$ wean him$? said 6avid$ a!reein! at once. But
she had fed the other four for months$ and there had
been hard* a botte in the house.
:he aduts$ 1arriet and 6avid$ 6oroth* and (ice$
were around the bi! tabe$ the chidren havin! !one up
to bed$ and 1arriet tried Ben with the botte. 1e
emptied it in a moment$ whie his bod* cenched and
uncenched$ his knees up in his stomach$ then
e<tended ike a sprin!. 1e roared at the empt* botte.
?%ive him another$? sad 6oroth*$ and set about pre)
parin! one.
?3hat an appetite$? said (ice socia*$ tr*in! hard$
but she ooked fri!htened.
Ben emptied the second botte; he was supportin! it
with his two fists$ b* himsef. 1arriet bare* needed to
touch it.
?8eandertha bab*$? said 1arriet.
?7h come on$ poor itte chap$? said 6avid$ uneas*.
?7h %od$ 6avid$? said 1arriet$ ?poor 1arriet is
more
ike it.?
B&
a
?( ri!ht$ a ri!ht ) the !enes have come up with
somethin! specia this time.?
?But what$ that?s the point$? said 1arriet. ?3hat is
heH?
:he other three said nothin! ) or$ rather$ said b*
their sience that the* woud rather not face the impi)
cations of it.
?( ri!ht$? said 1arriet$ ?et?s sa* he has a heath*
appetite$ if that makes ever*one happ*.?
6oroth* took the fi!htin! creature from 1arriet$ who
coapsed e<hausted back in her chair. 6oroth*?s face
chan!ed as she fet the cums* wei!ht of the chid$ the
intransi!ence$ and she shifted her position so that
Ben?s pistonin! e!s coud not reach her.
Soon Ben was takin! in twice the amount of food
recommended for his a!e$ or sta!e; ten or more bottes
a da*.
1e !ot a mik infection$ and 1arriet took him to 6r
Brett.
?( breast)fed bab* shoudn?t !et infections$? he said.
?1e?s not breast)fed.?
?:hat?s not ike *ou$ 1arrietI 1ow od is heH?
?:wo months$? said 1arriet. She opened her dress
and showed her breasts$ sti makin! mik$ as if the*
responded to Ben?s never appeased appetite. :he*
were bruised back a around the nippes.
6r Brett ooked at the poor breasts in sience$ and
1arriet ooked at him; his decent$ concerned doctor?s
face confrontin! a probem be*ond him.
?8au!ht* bab*$? he conceded$ and 1arriet au!hed
out oud in astonishment.
6r Brett reddened$ met her e*es brief* in acknow)
ed!ement of her reproach$ and then ooked awa*.
BB
?( I need is a prescription for diarrhoea$? said
1arriet. She added deiberate*$ starin! at him$ wiin!
him to ook at her$ ?(fter a$ I don?t want to ki the
nast* itte brute.?
Ie si!hed$ took off his !asses$ and rubbed them
sow*. 1e was frownin!$ but not in disapprova of
her. 1e said$ ?It is not abnorma to take a disike to a
chid. I see it a the time. Anfortunate*.?
1arriet)said nothin!$ but she was smiin! unpeas)
ant*$ and knew it.
?.et me have a ook at him.?
1arriet took Ben out of the pram$ and aid him on
the tabe. (t once he turned on to his stomach and
tried to !et himsef on a fours. 1e actua* succeeded for
a moment before coapsin!.
She ooked steadi* at 6r Brett$ but he turned awa* to
his desk to write a prescription.
?:here?s obvious* nothin! much wron! with him$? he
said$ with the same baffed$ offendin! note that Ben did
brin! out of peope.
?1ave *ou ever seen a two)month bab* do thatH? she
insisted.
?8o. I must admit I haven?t. 3e$ et me know how
*ou !et on.?
:he news had fown around the fami* that the new
bab* was successfu* born$ and ever*thin! was a
ri!ht. ,eanin! that 1arriet was. ( ot of peope wrote
and ran!$ sa*in! the* were ookin! forward to the
summer hoida*s. :he* said$ ?3e are on!in! to see the
new bab*.? :he* said$ ?Is itte Pau sti as deicious as
he wasH? :he* arrived brin!in! wine and summer
produce from a over the countr*$ and a kinds of
B2
peope stood bottin! fruit and makin! Fams and chut)
ne*s with (ice and 6oroth*. ( crowd of chidren
pa*ed in the !arden or were taken off to the woods for
picnics. .itte Pau$ so cuddesome and funn*$ was
awa*s on somebod*?s ap$ and his au!h was heard
ever*where; this was his rea nature$ overshadowed b*
Ben and his demands.
Because the house was so fu$ the oder chidren
were in one room. Ben was aread* in a cot with hi!h
wooden satted sides$ where he spent his time puin!
himsef up to a sittin! position$ fain!$ roin! over$
puin! himsef up ... :his cot was put in the room
where the oder chidren were$ in the hope that Ben
woud be made socia$ friend*$ b* his sibin!s. It was
not a success. 1e i!nored them$ woud not respond to
their advances$ and his cr*in! ) or$ rather$ beowin! )
made .uke shout at him$ ?7h shut upI? ) but then he
burst into tears at his own unkindness. 1een$ at the
a!e to cherish a bab*$ tried to hod Ben$ but he was too
stron!. :hen a the oder chidren in the house were
put into the attic$ where the* coud make as much
noise as the* wanted$ and Ben went back into his own
room$ ?the bab*?s room? ) and from there the* heard
his !runts and snuffes and roars of frustration as he
tried some feat of stren!th and fe down.
:he new bab* had of course been offered to ever*one
to hod$ when the* asked$ but it was painfu to see how
their faces chan!ed confrontin! this phenomenon. Ben
was awa*s 5uick* handed back. 1arriet came into the
kitchen one da* and heard her sister Sarah sa* to a
cousin$ ?:hat Ben !ives me the creeps. 1e?s ike a
!obin or a dwarf or somethin!. I?d rather have poor
(m* an* da*.?
B/
:his afficted 1arriet with remorse; poor Ben$ whom
no one coud ove. She certain* coud notI (nd 6avid$
the !ood father$ hard* touched him. She ifted Ben
from his cot$ so much ike a ca!e$ and put him on the
bi! bed$ and sat with him. ?Poor Ben$ poor Ben$? she
crooned$ strokin! him. 1e cutched her shirt with both
hands$ pued himsef up$ and stood on her thi!h. :he
hard itte feet hurt her. She tried to cudde him$
persuade him to soften a!ainst her ... Soon she !ave
up$ put him back in his pen$ or ca!e ... a roar of
frustration because he had been put down$ and she
hed out her hands to him$ KPoor Ben$ dear Ben$? and
he !rasped her hands and pued himsef up and stood
!runtin! and roarin! with triumph. +our months od
. . . 1e was ike an an!r*$ hostie itte tro.
She did make a point of !oin! to him ever* da*
when the other chidren were out of the wa*$ and
takin! him to the bi! bed for a time of pettin! and pa*$
as she had with a of them. 8ever$ not once$ did he
subside into a ovin! moment. 1e resisted$ he strove$
he fou!ht ) and then he turned his head and cosed his
Faws over her thumb. 8ot as an ordinar* bab* wi$ in
the suckin! bite that reieves the pain of teethin!$ or
e<pores the possibiites of a mouth$ ton!ue; she fet
her bone bend$ and saw his cod triumphant !rin.
She heard hersef sa*$ ?@ou aren?t !oin! to do me in$
I won?t et *ou.?
But for a whie she did tr* hard to make him
ordinar*. She took him down into the bi! ivin!)room
where a the fami* were$ and put him into the pa*)
pen there ) unti his presence affected peope$ and
t he* tended to !o awa*. 7r she took him to the tabe in
B9
her arms$ as she had done with the others ) but coud
not hod him$ he was too stron!.
In spite of Ben$ the summer hoida*s were wonder)
fu. (!ain$ there were two months of it. (!ain$ 6avid?s
father$ brief* descendin!$ !ave them a che5ue$ and
the* coud not have mana!ed without. ?It is ike bein!
in the midde of some bood* !reat fruit puddin!$ this
house$? said >ames. ?%od knows how *ou do it.?
But afterwards$ when 1arriet thou!ht of those hoi)
da*s$ what she remembered was how the* a ooked
at Ben. :here woud be a on! thou!htfu stare$ pu-)
-ed$ even an<iousG but then came fear$ thou!h ever*)
one tried to concea it. :here was horror$ too; which is
what 1arriet fet$ more and more. 1e did not seem to
mind$ or even to notice. It was hard to make out what
he did think of other peope.
1arriet a* inside 6avid?s arms one ni!ht before
seepin!$ takin! over the da*$ as the* awa*s did$ and
she remarked$ out of a current of thou!hts about the
summer$ ?6o *ou know what this house is !ood forH
3hat peope come forH It?s for a !ood time$ that?s a.?
1e was surprised. "ven ) she fet ) shocked. ?But
what ese do we do it forH? he en5uired.
?I don?t know$? she said$ soundin! hepess. :hen she
turned in to his embrace$ and he hed her whie she
wept. :he* had not *et resumed ove)makin!. :his
had never happened before. ,akin! ove durin! pre!)
nanc*$ and ver* soon after pre!nanc* ) this had never
been a probem. But now the* were both thinkin!$
:hat creature arrived when we were bein! as carefu
as we knew how ) suppose another ike him comesH
+or the* both fet ) secret*$ the* were ashamed of the
thou!hts the* had about Ben ) that he had wied
2'
himsef to be born$ had invaded their ordinariness$
which had no defences a!ainst him or an*thin! ike
him. But not makin! ove was not on* a strain for
them both$ it was a barrier$ because the* had to be
reminded continua* of what threatened them ... so
the* fet.
:hen somethin! bad happened. >ust after a the
fami* had !one awa*$ as the schoo term be!an$ Pau
went into Ben?s room b* himsef. 7f a the chidren$
he was the most fascinated b* Ben. 6oroth* and (ice$
who were to!ether in the kitchen$ 1arriet havin! !one
off to take the oder ones to schoo$ heard screams.
:he* ran upstairs to find that Pau had put his hand in
to Ben throu!h the cot bars$ and Ben had !rabbed the
hand and pued Pau hard a!ainst the bars$ bendin!
the arm deiberate* backwards. :he two women freed
Pau. :he* did not bother to scod Ben$ who was
crowin! with peasure and achievement. Pau?s arm
was bad* sprained.
8o one fet ike sa*in! to the chidren$ ?Be carefu of
Ben.? But there was no need after the incident with
Pau?s arm. :hat evenin! the chidren heard what had
happened$ but did not ook at their parents and 6oro)
th* and (ice. :he* did not ook at each other. :he*
stood sient$ heads bent. :his tod the aduts that the
chidren?s attitudes to Ben were aread* formed; the*
had discussed Ben and knew what to think about him.
.uke$ 1een and >ane went awa* upstairs sient*$ and it
was a bad moment for the parents.
(ice said$ watchin! them$ ?Poor itte thin!s.?
6oroth* said$ ?It?s a shame.?
1arriet fet that these two women$ these two eder*$
78
tou!h$ seasoned survivors$ were condemnin! her$ 1ar)
riet$ out of their vast e<perience of ife. She !anced at
6avid$ and saw he fet the same. 4ondemnation$ and
criticism$ and disike; Ben seemed to cause these
emotions$ brin! them forth out of peope into the
i!ht .. .
:he da* after this incident$ (ice announced that
she fet she was no on!er needed in this house$ she
woud !o back to her own ife; she was sure 6oroth*
coud mana!e. (fter a$ >ane was !oin! to schoo now.
>ane woud not have !one to schoo this *ear$ a proper
schoo$ a da*$ for another *ear; the* had sent her
ear*. Precise* because of Ben$ thou!h no one had
said it. (ice eft$ with no su!!estion it was because of
Ben. But she had tod 6oroth*$ who had tod the
parents$ that Ben !ave her the horrors. 1e must be a
chan!ein!. 6oroth*$ awa*s sensibe$ cam$ matter)of)
fact$ had au!hed at her. K@es$ I au!hed at her$? she
reported. :hen$ !rim$ KBut wh* did I:
6avid and 1arriet conferred$ in the ow$ amost
!uit*$ increduous voices that Ben seemed to impose.
:his bab* was not si< months od *et ... he was !oin!
to destro* their fami* ife. 1e was aread* destro*in!
it. :he* woud have to make sure that he was in his
room at meatimes and when the chidren were down)
stairs with the aduts. +ami* times$ in short.
8ow Ben was amost awa*s in his room$ ike a
prisoner. 1e out!rew his barred cot at nine months;
1arriet cau!ht him Fust as he was about to fa over the
top. ( sma bed$ an ordinar* one$ was put into his
room. 1e waked easi*$ hodin! on to the was$ or a
chair. 1e had never crawed$ had pued himsef
strai!ht up on to his feet. :here were to*s a over the
20
f oor ) or$ rather$ the fra!ments of them. 1e did not
pa* with them; he ban!ed them on the foor or the
was unti the* broke. :he da* he stood aone$ b*
himsef$ without hodin! on$ he roared out his
triumph. ( the other chidren had au!hed$ chucked$
and wanted to be oved$ admired$ praised$ on reachin!
this moment of achievement. :his one did not. It was
a cod triumph$ and he sta!!ered about$ e*es !eamin!
with hard ) peasure$ whie he i!nored his mother.
1arriet often wondered what he saw when he ooked
at her; nothin! in his touch or his ook ever seemed to
sa*$ :his is m* mother.
7ne ear* mornin!$ somethin! took 1arriet 5uick*
out of her bed into the bab*?s room$ and there she saw
Ben baanced on the window)si. It was hi!h ) heaven
on* knew how he had !ot up thereI :he window was
open. In a moment he woud have faen out of it.
1arriet was thinkin!$ 3hat a pit* I came in ... and
refused to be shocked at hersef. 1eav* bars were put
in$ and there Ben woud stand on the si$ !rippin! the
bars and shakin! them$ and surve*in! the outside
word$ ettin! out his thick$ raucous cries. ( the
4hristmas hoida*s he was kept in that room. It was
e<traordinar* how peope$ askin! ) cautious* )?1ow
is BenH? and hearin!$ ?7h$ he?s a ri!ht$? did not ask
a!ain. Sometimes a *e from Ben oud enou!h to reach
downstairs sienced a conversation. :hen the frown
appeared on their faces that 1arriet dreaded$ waitin!
for it; she knew it masked some comment or thou!ht
that coud not be voiced.
(nd so the house was not the sameG there was a
constraint and a wariness in ever*bod*. 1arriet knew
that sometimes peope went up to ook at Ben$ out of
79
the fearfu$ uneas* curiosit* he evoked$ when she was
out of the wa*. She knew when the* had seen him$
because of the wa* the* ooked at her afterwards. (s if I
were a criminaI she ra!ed to hersef. She spent far
too much of her time 5uiet* seethin!$ but did not
seem abe to stop. "ven 6avid$ she beieved$ con)
demned her. She said to him$ ?I suppose in the od
times$ in primitive societies$ this was how the* treated a
woman who?d !iven birth to a freak. (s if it was her
faut. But we are supposed to be civii-edI?
1e said$ in the patient$ watchfu wa* he now had
with her$ ?@ou e<a!!erate ever*thin!.?
?:hat?s a !ood word ) for this situationI 4on!ratua)
tionsI "<a!!erateI?
?7h %od$ 1arriet$? he said different*$ hepess*$
?don?t et?s do this ) if we don?t stand to!ether$
then ...?
It was at "aster that the schoo!ir Brid!et$ who had
returned to see if this miracuous kin!dom of ever*da*
ife was perhaps sti there$ en5uired$ ?3hat is wron!
with himH Is he a mon!oH?
?6own?s s*ndrome$? said 1arriet. ?8o one cas it
mon!o now. But no$ he?s not.?
?3hat?s wron! with him$ thenH?
?8othin! at a$? said 1arriet airi*. ?(s *ou can see
for *oursef.?
Brid!et went awa*$ and never came back.
:he summer hoida*s a!ain. It was 192&. :here were
fewer !uests; some had written or run! to sa* the*
coud not afford the train fare$ or the petro. ?(n*
e<cuse is better than none$? remarked 6oroth*.
?But peope are hard up$? said 6avid.
?:he* weren?t so hard up before that the* coudn?t
2#
afford to come and ive here for weeks at a time at *our
e<pense.?
Ben was over a *ear od now. 1e had not said one
word *et$ but in other wa*s he was more norma. 8ow
it was difficut to keep him in his room. 4hidren
pa*in! in the !arden heard his thick$ an!r* cries$ and
saw him up on the si tr*in! to push aside his bars.
So he came out of his itte prison and Foined them
downstairs. 1e seemed to know that he ou!ht to be
ike them. 1e woud stand$ head owered$ watchin!
how ever*one taked$ and au!hed$ sittin! around the
bi! tabeG or sat takin! in the ivin!)room$ whie the
chidren ran in and out. 1is e*es were on one face$
then another; whomever he was ookin! at became
conscious of that insistent !a-e and stopped takin!G or
turned a back$ or a shouder$ so as not to have to see
him. 1e coud sience a room fu of peope Fust b*
bein! there$ or disperse them; the* went off makin!
e<cuses.
:owards the end of the hoida*s$ someone came
brin!in! a do!$ a itte terrier. Ben coud not eave it
aone. 3herever the do! was$ Ben foowed. 1e did not
pet it$ or stroke it; he stood starin!. 7ne mornin! when
1arriet came down to start breakfast for the chidren$
the do! was *in! dead on the kitchen foor. It had had
a heart attackH Sudden* sick with suspicion$ she
rushed up to see if Ben was in his room; he was
s5uattin! on his bed$ and when she came in$ he ooked
up and au!hed$ but soundess*$ in his wa*$ which
was ike a barin! of the teeth. 1e had opened his door$
!one 5uiet* past his seepin! parents$ down the stairs$
found the do!$ kied it$ and !one back up a!ain$
5uiet*$ into his room$ and shut the door ... a that$
76
b* himsefI She ocked Ben in; if he coud ki a do!$
then wh* not a chidH
3hen she 3ent down a!ain$ the chidren were
crowdin! around the dead do!. (nd then the aduts
came$ and it was obvious what the* thou!ht.
7f course it was impossibe ) a sma chid kiin! a
ive* do!. But officia* the do!?s death remained a
m*ster*G the vet said it had been stran!ed. :his
business of the do! spoied what was eft of the
hoida*s$ and peope went off home ear*.
6oroth* said$ Kpeope are !oin! to think twice
about
comin! a!ain.?
:hree months ater$ ,r ,c%re!or$ the od !re* cat$
was kied in the same wa*. 1e had awa*s been afraid
of Ben$ and kept out of reach. But Ben must have
staked him$ or found him seepin!.
(t 4hristmas the house was haf empt*.
It was the worst *ear of 1arriet?s ife$ and she was
not abe to cai a that peope avoided them. "ver* da*
was a on! ni!htmare. She woke in the mornin! unabe
to beieve she woud ever !et throu!h to the evenin!.
Ben was awa*s on his feet$ and had to be watched
ever* second. ie sept ver* itte. 1e spent most of the
ni!ht standin! on his window)si$ starin! into the
!arden$ and if I)Iarriet ooked in on him$ he woud turn
and !ive her a on! stare$ aien$ chiin!; in the haf
dark of the room he rea* did ook ike a itte tro or
a hob!obin crmuchin! there. If he was ocked in durin!
the da*$ he screamed and beowed so that the whoe
house resounded with it$ and the* were a afraid the
poice woud airrive. 1e woud sudden*$ for no reason
she coud see$$ take off and run into the !arden$ and
then out the !ate and into the street. 7ne da*$ she ran
2B
a mie or more after him$ seein! on* that stubb* s5uat
itte fi!ure !oin! throu!h traffic i!hts$ i!norin! cars
that hooted and peope who screamed warnin!s at
him. She was weepin!$ pantin!$ haf cra-ed$ desperate
to !et to him before somethin! terribe happened$ but
she was pra*in!$ 7h$ do run him over$ do$ *es$ !lease
. . . She cau!ht up with him Fust before a main road$
!rabbed him$ and hed the fi!htin! chid with a her
stren!th. 1e was spittin! and hissin!$ whie he Ferked
ike a monster fish in her arms. ( ta<i went b*G she
caed to it$ she pushed the chid in$ and !ot in after
him$ hodin! him fast b* an arm that seemed woud
break with his faiin! about and fi!htin!.
3hat coud be doneH (!ain she went to 6r Brett$
who e<amined him and said he was ph*sica* in
order.
1arriet described his behaviour and the doctor
istened.
+rom time to time$ a we)controed increduit*
appeared on his face$ and he kept his e*es down$
i f ddin! with pencis.
K@ou can ask 6avid$ ask m* mother$? said 1arriet. K1e?s
a h*peractive chid ) that?s how the* are
described these da*s$ I beieve$? said od)fashioned 6r
Brett. She went to him because he was od)fashioned.
(t ast he did ook at her$ not evadin! her.
K3hat do *ou e<pect me to do$ 1arrietH 6ru! him
si*H 3e$ I am a!ainst it.?
She was cr*in! inward*$ @es$ *es$ *es$ that?s e<act*
what I wantI But she said$ ?8o$ of course not.?
?1e?s ph*sica* norma for ei!hteen months. 1e?s
ver* stron! and active of course$ but he?s awa*s been
77
that. @ou sa* he?s not takin!H But that?s not unusua.
3asn?t 1een a ate takerH I beieve she wasH?
?@es$? said 1arriet.
She took Ben home. 8ow he was ocked into his
room each ni!ht$ and there were heav* bars on the
door as we. "ver* second of his wakin! hours$ he
watched. 1arriet watched him whie her mother man)
a!ed ever*thin! ese.
6avid said$ ?3hat is the point of thankin! *ou$
6oroth*H It seems ever*thin! has !one a on! wa*
be*ond thank)*ous.?
?"ver*thin! has !one a on! wa* be*ond. Period.?
Said 6oroth*.
1arriet was thin$ red)e*ed$ ha!!ard. 7nce a!ain she
was burstin! into tears over nothin! at a. :he chidren
kept out of her wa*. :actH 3ere the* afraid of herH
6oroth* su!!ested sta*in! aone with Ben for a week
in (u!ust whie the fami* went off to!ether
somewhere.
8either 1arriet nor 6avid woud norma* have
wanted to !o an*where$ for the* oved their home.
(nd what about the fami* comin! for the summerH
?I haven?t noticed an* rush to book themseves in$?
said 6oroth*.
:he* went to +rance$ with the car. +or 1arriet it was
a happiness; she fet she had been !iven back her
chidren. She coud not !et enou!h of them$ nor the*
of her. (nd Pau$ her bab* whom Ben had deprived
her of$ the wonderfu three)*ear)od$ enchantin!$ a
charmer ) was her bab* a!ain. :he* were a fami* stiI
1appiness ... the* coud hard* beieve$ an* of them$
that Ben coud have taken so much awa* from them.
3hen the* !ot home$ 6oroth* was ver* tired and
2/
she had a bad bruise on her forearm and another on
her cheek. She did not sa* what had happened. But
when the chidren had !one to bed on the first evenin!$
she said to 1arriet and 6avid$ ?I have to tak ) no$ sit
down and isten.?
:he* sat with her at the kitchen tabe.
?@ou two are !oin! to have to face it. Ben has !ot to
!o into an institution.?
?But he?s norma$? said 1arriet$ !rim. ?:he doctor
sa*s he is.?
?1e ma* be norma for what he is. But he is not
norma for what we are.?
?3hat kind of institution woud take himH?
?:here must be somethin!$? said 6oroth*$ and be!an
to cr*.
8ow be!an a time when ever* ni!ht 1arriet and
6avid a* awake takin! about what coud be done.
:he* were makin! ove a!ain$ but it was not the same.
?:his must be what women fet before there was birth
contro$? 1arriet said. ?:errified. :he* waited for ever*
period$ and when it came it meant reprieve for a
month. But the* weren?t afraid of !ivin! birth to a
tro.?
3hie the* taked$ the* awa*s istened for sounds
from ?the bab*?s room? ) words the* never used now$
for the* hurt. 3hat was Ben doin! that the* had not
beieved him capabe ofH Puin! those heav* stee bars
asideH
?:he troube is$ *ou !et used to he$? said 1arriet.
K(fter a da* with Ben I fee as if nothin! e<ists but him.
(s if nothin! has ever e<isted. I sudden* reai-e I
haven?t remembered the others for hours. I for!ot their
29
supper *esterda*. 6oroth* went to the pictures$ and I
came down and found 1een cookin! their supper.?
$It didn?t hurt them.?
?She?s eight)'
1avin! been reminded$ b* the week in +rance$ of
what their fami* ife rea* was$ coud be$ 1arriet was
determined not to et it a !o. She found she was a!ain
sient* addressin! Ben; ?I?m not !oin! to et *ou
destro* us$ *ou won?t destro* me ...?
She was set on another rea 4hristmas$ and wrote
and teephoned to ever*one. She made a point of
sa*in! that Ben was ?much better$ these da*s.?
Sarah asked if it woud be ?a ri!ht? to brin! (m*.
:his meant that she had heard ) ever*one had ) about
the do!$ and the cat.
?It? be a ri!ht if we are carefu never to eave (m*
aone with Ben$? said 1arriet$ and Sarah$ after a on!
sience$ said$ ?,* %od$ 1arriet$ we?ve been deat a bad
hand$ haven?t weH? ?I suppose so$? said 1arriet$ but she
was reFectin! this submission to bein! a victim of fate.
Sarah$ *esG with her marita probems$ and her mon!o
chid ) *es. But she$ 1arriet$ in the same boatH
She said to her own chidren$ ?Pease ook after (m*.
8ever eave her aone with Ben.?
?3oud he hurt (m* the wa* he hurt ,r ,c%re!orH?
asked >ane.
?1e kied ,r ,c%re!or$? .uke said fierce*. ?1e
killed him.?
?(nd the poor do!$? said 1een. Both chidren were
accusin! 1arriet.
?@es$? said 1arriet$ ?he mi!ht. :hat?s wh* we have to
watch her a the time.?
:he chidren$ the wa* the* did these da*s$ were
/'
ookin! at each other$ e<cudin! her$ in some under)
standin! of their own. :he* went off$ without ookin! at
her.
:he 4hristmas$ with fewer peope$ was nevertheess
festive and nois*$ a successG but 1arriet found hersef
on!in! for it to be over. It was the strain of it a$
watchin! Ben$ watchin! (m* ) who was the centre of
ever*thin!. 1er head was too bi!$ her bod* too s5uat$
but she was fu of ove and kisses and ever*one adored
her. 1een$ who had on!ed to make a pet of Ben$ was
now abe to ove (m*. Ben watched this$ sient$ and
1arriet coud not read the ook in those cod *eow)
!reen e*es. But then she never coudI Sometimes it
seemed to her that she spent her ife tr*in! to under)
stand what Ben was feein!$ thinkin!. (m*$ who
e<pected ever*one to ove her$ woud !o up to Ben$
chuckin!$ au!hin!$ her arms out. :wice his a!e$ but
apparent* haf his a!e$ this afficted infant$ who was
radiant with affection$ sudden* became sientG her
face was woefu$ and she backed awa*$ starin! at him.
>ust ike ,r ,c%re!or$ the poor cat. :hen she be!an to
cr* whenever she saw him. Ben?s e*es were never off
her$ this other afficted one$ adored b* ever*one in the
house. But did he know himsef affictedH 3as he$ in
factH 3hat (as he:
4hristmas ended$ and Ben was two and a few months
od. Pau was sent to a itte nurser* schoo down the
road$ to !et him awa* from Ben. :he natura* hi!h)
spirited and friend* chid was becomin! nervous and
irritabe. 1e had fits of tears or of ra!e$ throwin!
himsef on the foor screamin!$ or batterin! at 1arriet?s
knees$ tr*in! to !et her attention$ which never seemed
to eave Ben.
/1
#
6oroth* went off to visit Sarah and her fami*.
1arriet was aone with Ben durin! the da*. She tried
to be with him as she had with the others. She sat on
the foor with buidin! bocks and to*s *ou coud push
about. She showed him coourfu pictures. She san!
him itte rh*mes. But Ben did not seem to connect
with the to*s$ or the bocks. 1e sat amon! the itter of
bri!ht obFects and mi!ht put one bock on another$
ookin! at 1arriet to see if this was what he shoud do.
1e stared hard at pictures hed out to him$ tr*in! to
decipher their an!ua!e. 1e woud never sit on 1ar)
riet?s knees$ but s5uatted b* her$ and when she said$
?:hat?s a bird$ Ben$ ook ) Fust ike that bird on that
tree. (nd that?s a fower$? he stared$ and then turned
awa*. (pparent* it was not that he coud not under)
stand how this bock fitted into that or how to make a
pie of them$ rather that he coud not !rasp the point
of it a$ nor of the fower$ nor the bird. Perhaps he was
too advanced for this sort of !ameH Sometimes 1arriet
thou!ht he was. 1is response to her nurser* pictures
was that he went out into the !arden and staked a
thrush on the awn$ crouchin! down and movin! on a
ow fast run ) and he near* did catch the thrush. 1e
tore some primroses off their stems$ and stood with
them in his hands$ intent* starin! at them. :hen he
crushed them in his stron! itte fists and et them
drop. 1e turned his head and saw 1arriet ookin! at
him; he seemed to be thinkin! that she wanted him to
do somethin!$ but whatH 1e stared at the sprin!
f owers$ ooked up at a backbird on a branch$ and
came sow* indoors a!ain.
7ne da*$ he taked. Sudden*. 1e did not sa*$
?,umm*$? or ?6add*$? or his own name. 1e said$ ?I
/0
want cake.? 1arriet did not even notice$ at first$ that he
was takin!. :hen she did$ and tod ever*one$ ?Ben?s
takin!. 1e?s usin! sentences.? (s their wa* was$ the
other chidren encoura!ed him; ?:hat?s ver* !ood$
Ben$? ?4ever BenI? But he took no notice of them. +rom
then on he announced his needs. ?I want that.? ?%ive
me that.? ?%o for a wak now.? 1is voice was heav* and
uncertain$ each word separate$ as if his brain were a
umber)house of ideas and obFects$ and he had to
identif* each one.
:he chidren were reieved he was takin! norma*.
?1eo$ Ben$? one woud sa*. ?1eo$? Ben repied$
carefu* handin! back e<act* what he had been !iven.
?1ow are *ou$ BenH? 1een asked. ?1ow are *ouH? he
repied. ?8o? said 1een$ ?now *ou must sa*$ LI?m ver*
we$ thank *ou$L or$ LI?m fineL.?
Ben stared whie he worked it out. :hen he said
cumsi*$ ?I?m ver* we.?
1e watched the chidren$ particuar* .uke and
1een$ a the time. 1e studied how the* moved$ sat
down$ stood upG copied how the* ate. 1e had under)
stood that these two$ the oder ones$ were more socia*
accompished than >aneG and he i!nored Pau
ato!ether. 3hen the chidren watched teevision$ he
s5uatted near them and ooked from the screen to their
faces$ for he needed to know what reactions were
appropriate. If the* au!hed$ then$ a moment ater$ he
contributed a oud$ hard$ unnatura)soundin! au!h.
3hat was natura to him$ it seemed$ in the wa* of
amusement was his hostie)ookin! teeth)bared !rin$
that ooked hostie. 3hen the* became sient and sti
with attention$ because of some e<citin! moment$ then
/C
he tensed his musces$ ike them$ and seemed absorbed
in the screen ) but rea* he kept his e*es on them.
(to!ether$ he was easier. 1arriet thou!ht; 3e$ an*
ordinar* chid is at its most difficut for about a *ear
after it !ets to its feet. 8o sense of sef)preservation$ no
sense of dan!er; the* hur themseves off beds and
chairs$ aunch themseves into space$ run into roads$
have to be watched ever* second ... (nd the* are aso$
she added$ at their most charmin!$ dei!htfu$ heart)
breakin!* sweet and funn*. (nd then the* !radua*
become sensibe and ife is easier.
.ife had become easier ... but this was on* as she
saw it$ as 6oroth* brou!ht home to her.
6oroth* came back to this househod after what she
caed ?a rest? of some weeks$ and 1arriet coud see her
mother was preparin! for a ?rea tak? with her.
?8ow$ !ir$ woud *ou sa* that I am interferin!H :hat I
!ive *ou a ot of unwanted adviceH?
:he* were sittin! at the bi! tabe$ mid)mornin!$ with
cups of coffee. Ben was where the* coud watch him$
as awa*s$ 6oroth* was tr*in! to make what she said
humorous$ but 1arriet fet threatened. 1er mother?s
honest pink cheeks were bri!ht with embarrassment$
her bue e*es an<ious.
?8o$? said 1arriet. ?@ou aren?t. @ou don?t.?
?3e$ now I?m !oin! to have m* sa*.?
But she had to stop; Ben be!an ban!in! a stone
a!ainst a meta tra*. 1e did this with a his force. :he
noise was awfu$ but the women waited unti Ben
stopped; interrupted$ he woud have ra!ed and hissed
and spat.
?@ou have five chidren$? 6oroth* said. ?8ot one. 6o
*ou reai-e that I mi!ht Fust as we be the mother of
/#
the others when I?m hereH 8o$ I don?t beieve *ou do$
*ou?ve !ot so taken over b*. . .?
Ben a!ain ban!ed the tra* with his stone$ in a fren-*
of e<utin! accompishment. It ooked as if he beieved
he was hammerin! meta$ for!in! somethin!; one coud
easi* ima!ine him$ in the mines deep under the earth$
with his kind ... (!ain the* waited unti he stopped
the noise.
?It?s not ri!ht$? said 6oroth*. (nd 1arriet
remem)
bered how her mother?s ?:hat?s not ri!htI? had re!u)
ated her chidhood.
?I?m !ettin! on$ *ou know$? said 6oroth*. ?I can?t !o
on ike this$ or I? !et i.?
@es$ 6oroth* was rather thin$ even !aunt. @es$ 1ar)
riet thou!ht$ fu of !uit as usua$ she shoud have
noticed.
?(nd *ou have a husband$ too$? said 6oroth*$ appar)
ent* not knowin! how she was turnin! the knife in
her dau!hter?s heart. ?1e?s ver* !ood$ *ou know$ 1ar)
riet. I don?t know how he puts up with it.?
:he 4hristmas after Ben became three on* part*
i f ed the house. ( cousin of 6avid?s had said$ ?I?ve
been inspired b* *ou$ 1arrietI (fter a$ I?ve !ot a
home$ too. It?s not as bi! as *ours$ but it?s a nice itte
house.? Severa of the fami* went there. But others
said the* were comin!; made a point of comin!$ 1arriet
reai-ed. :hese were the near reations.
(!ain a pet was brou!ht. :his time it was a bi! do!$
a cheerfu boisterous mon!re$ Sarah?s chidren?s
friend$ but most particuar* (m*?s. 7f course a the
chidren oved him$ but Pau most of a$ and this made
1arriet?s heart ache$ for the* coud have no do! or cat
in their home. She even thou!ht; 3e$ now Ben is
/&
more sensibe$ perhaps . . . But she knew it was
impossibe. She watched how the bi! do! seemed to
know that (m*$ the ovin! itte chid in the bi! u!*
bod*$ needed !enteness; he moderated his e<uberance
for her. (m* woud sit b* the do! with her arm around
his neck$ and if she was cums* with him$ he ifted his
mu--e and !ent* pushed her awa* a itte$ or !ave a
sma warnin! sound that said$ ?Be carefu.? Sarah said
this do! was ike a nursemaid to (m*. ?>ust ike 8ana
in ,eter ,an,' the chidren said. But if Ben was in
the
room$ the do! watched him carefu* and went to ie
in a corner$ his head on his paws$ stiff with attention.
7ne mornin! when peope were sittin! around havin!
breakfast$ 1arriet for some reason turned her head and
saw the do!$ aseep$ and Ben !oin! sient* up to him
in a ow crouch$ hands hed out in front of him ...
?BenI? said 1arriet sharp*. She saw those cod e*es
turn towards her$ cau!ht a !eam of pure maice.
:he do!$ aerted$ scrambed up$ and his hair stood
on end. 1e whined an<ious*$ and came into the part
of the room where the* a were$ and a* down under
the tabe.
"ver*one had seen this$ and sat sient$ whie Ben
came to 6oroth* and said$ ?I want mik.? She poured
him some$ and he drank it down. :hen he ooked at
them a starin! at him. (!ain he seemed to be tr*in!
to understand them. 1e went into the !arden$ where
the* coud see him$ a s5uat itte !nome$ pokin! with a
stick at the earth. :he other chidren were upstairs
somewhere.
(round the tabe sat 6oroth*$ with (m* on her ap$
Sarah$ ,o*$ +rederick$ >ames and 6avid. (so
/B
(n!ea$ the successfu sister$ ?the coper?$ whose chi)
dren were a norma.
:he atmosphere made 1arriet sa* defiant*$ ?(
ri!ht$ then$ et?s have it.?
She thou!ht it not without si!nificance$ as the* sa*$
that it was +rederick who said$ ?8ow ook here$ 1arriet$
*ou?ve !ot to face it$ he?s !ot to !o into an institution.?
?:hen we have to find a doctor who sa*s he?s
abnorma$?said 1arriet. ?6r Brett certain* won?t.?
?%et another doctor$? said ,o*. ?:hese thin!s can
be arran!ed.? :he two ar!e ha*stack* peope$ with
their red we)fed faces$ were united in determination$
nothin! va!ue about them now the* had decided there
was a crisis$ and one that ) even indirect* ) threatened
them. :he* ooked ike a pair of Fud!es after a !ood
unch$ 1arriet thou!ht$ and !anced at 6avid to see if
she coud share this criticism with himG but he was
starin! down at the tabe$ mouth ti!ht. 1e a!reed with
them.
(n!ea said$ au!hin!$ ?:*pica upper)cass
ruthessness.?
8o one coud remember that note bein! struck$ or at
east not so sharp*$ at this tabe before. Sience$ and
then (n!ea softened it with ?8ot that I don?t a!ree.?
?7f course *ou a!ree$? said ,o*. ?(n*one sensibe
woud have to.?
?It?s the wa* *ou said it$? said (n!ea.
?3hat does it matter how it is saidH? en5uired
+rederick.
?(nd who is !oin! to pa* for itH? asked 6avid. ?I
can?t. ( I can do is to keep the bis paid$ and that is
with >ames?s hep.?
?3e$ >ames is !oin! to have to bear the brunt of this
/2
#'
7ne$? said +rederick$ ?but we? chip in.? It was the first
time this coupe had offered an* financia hep. ?,ean$
ike a their sort$? the rest of the fami* had a!reedG
and now this Fud!ement was bein! remembered. :he*
3oud come for a sta* of ten da*s and contribute a pair
7f pheasants$ a coupe of bottes of ver* !ood wine.
:heir ?chippin! in?$ ever*one knew$ woudn?t amount
to much.
+u of division$ the fami* sat sient.
:hen >ames said$ ?I? do what I can. But thin!s are
cot as !ood as the* were. @achts are not ever*one?s
Priorit* in hard times.?
Sience a!ain$ and ever*one was ookin! at 1arriet.
?@ou are funn* peope$? she said$ settin! hersef apart
r f om them. ?@ou?ve been here so often and *ou kno( /
I mean$ $ou rea* know what the probem is. 3hat are
3e !oin! to sa* to the peope who run this institutionH?
?It depends on the institution$? said ,o*$ and her
Ar!e person seemed fu of ener!*$ conviction; as if
she had swaowed Ben whoe and was di!estin! him$
thou!ht 1arriet. She said$ mid* enou!h$ thou!h she
trembed$ ?@ou mean$ we have to find one of those
Paces that e<ist in order to take on chidren famiies
simp* want to !et rid ofH?
?Rich famiies$? said (n!ea$ with a defiant itte sniff.
,o*$ confrontin! impertinence$ said firm*$ ?@es. If
there is no other kind of pace. But one thin! is
obvious; if somethin! isn?t done$ then it?s !oin! to be
catastrophic.?
?It is catastrophic$? said 6oroth*$ firm* takin! her
Position. ?:he other chidren . . . the*?re sufferin!.
Hou?re so invoved with it$ !ir$ that *ou don?t see it.?
?.ook$? said 6avid$ impatient and an!r* because he
a/
coud not stand this$ fibres tan!ed with 1arriet$ with
his parents$ bein! tu!!ed and torn. ?.ook$ I a!ree.
(nd
some time 1arriet is !oin! to have to a!ree. (nd as
far
as I am concerned$ that time is now. I don?t think I can
stick it an* on!er.? (nd now he did ook at his wife$
and it was a peadin!$ sufferin! ook. ,lease, he was
sa*in! to 1arriet. ,lease)
?9er* we$? said 1arriet. ?If some pace can be found
that .. .? (nd she be!an to cr*.
Ben came in from the !arden and stood watchin!
them$ in his usua position$ which was apart from
ever*one ese. 1e wore brown dun!arees and a brown
shirt$ both in stron! materia. "ver*thin! he wore had to
be thick$ because he tore his cothes$ destro*ed
them. 3ith his *eowish stubb* ow)!rowin! hair$ his
ston* unbinkin! e*es$ his stoop$ his feet panted apart
and his knees bent$ his cenched hed)forward i f sts$ he
seemed more than ever ike a !nome.
?She is cr*in!$? he remarked$ of his mother. 1e took
a piece of bread off the tabe and went out.
?( ri!ht$? said 1arriet$ ?what are *ou !oin! to te
themH?
?.eave it to us$? said +rederick.
?@es$? said ,o*.
?,* %odI? said (n!ea$ with a kind of bitter appreci)
ation of them. ?Sometimes when I?m with *ou$ I under)
stand ever*thin! about this countr*.?
?:hank *ou$? said ,o*.
?:hank *ou$? said +rederick.
?@ou aren?t bein! fair$ !ir$? said 6oroth*.
'Fair,' said (n!ea$ and 1arriet$ and Sarah$ her
dau!hters$ amost a at once.
/9
(nd then ever*one but 1arriet au!hed. In this wa*
was Ben?s fate decided.
( few da*s ater$ +rederick ran! to sa* that a pace
had been found and a car was comin! for Ben. (t once.
:omorrow.
1arriet was frantic; the haste of it$ the ) *es$ ruthess)
nessI (nd the doctor who had authori-ed thisH 7r
woudH ( doctor who had not even seen BenH She said
a this to 6avid$ and knew from his manner that a
!ood dea had !one on behind her back. 1is parents
had taked to him at his office. 6avid had said some)
thin! ike ?@es$ I? see to it? when ,o*$ whom
sudden* 1arriet hated$ had said$ ?@ou? have to be
firm with 1arriet.?
?It?s either him or us$? said 6avid to 1arriet. 1e
added$ his voice fu of cod disike for Ben$ ?1e?s
probab* Fust dropped in from ,ars. 1e?s !oin! back
to report on what he?s found down here.? 1e au!hed )
crue*$ it seemed to 1arriet$ who was sient* takin!
in the fact ) which of course she had haf known
aread* ) that Ben was not e<pected to ive on! in this
institution$ whatever it was.
?1e?s a itte chid$? she said$ ';e's our child)'
?8o$ he?s not$? said 6avid$ fina*. ?3e$ he certain*
isn?t mine.?
:he* were in the ivin!)room. 4hidren?s voices rose
sharp and distant from the dark winter !arden. 7n the
same impuse$ 6avid and 1arriet went to the window
and pued back the heav* curtains. :he !arden hed
dim shapes of tree and shrub$ but the i!ht from this
warm room reached across the awn to a shrub that
was stark* back with winter$ it twi!!* !rowths that
showed a !itter of water$ and iuminated the white
9'
trunk of a birch. :wo sma fi!ures$ indistin!uishab*
unise< in their man*)cooured padded Fackets$ trou)
sers$ wooen caps$ emer!ed from the back under a
ho* thicket$ and came forward. :he* were 1een and
.uke$ on some adventure. Both hed sticks and were
proddin! them here and there into ast *ear?s eaves.
?1ere it isI? 1een?s voice rose in triumph$ and the
parents saw$ emer!in! into the i!ht on the end of the
stick$ the summer?s ost red)and)*eow pastic ba. It
was dirtied and s5uashed$ but whoe. :he two chidren
be!an a fast stampin! dance around and around$ the
rescued ba hed aoft in triumph. :hen$ sudden*$ for
no obvious reason$ the* came racin! up to the french
doors. :he parents sat down on a sofa$ facin! the doors$
which burst inwards$ and there the* were$ two si!ht$
ee!ant itte creatures$ with farin! red$ frost)burned
cheeks and e*es fu of the e<citements of the dark
widerness the* had been part of. :he* stood breathin!
heavi*$ their e*es sow* adFustin! to reait*$ the
warm$ it fami* room and their parents sittin! there
ookin! at them. +or a moment it was the meetin! of
two aien forms of ife; the chidren had been part of
some od sava!er*$ and their bood sti pounded with
itG but now the* had to et their wid seves !o awa*
whie the* reFoined their fami*. 1arriet and 6avid
shared this with them$ were with them in ima!ination
and in memor*$ from their own chidhoods; the* coud
see themseves cear*$ two aduts$ sittin! there$ tame$
domestic$ even pitiabe in their distance from widness
and freedom.
Seein! their parents there aone$ no other chidren
around$ and above a$ no Ben$ 1een came to her
father$ .uke to his mother$ and 1arriet and 6avid
91
(
embraced their two adventurous itte chidren$ their
itte !ir$ 6oroth* in miniature$ never sa*in! an*thin!
chidren$ hodin! them ti!ht. unnecessar*. But now her ar!e bue e*es were fi<ed in
8e<t mornin! the car$ which was a sma back van$ terror on her mother?s face.
came for Ben. 1arriet had known it was comin!$
?8o$ of course we aren?t$? said 6avid$ soundin! curt.
because 6avid had not !one to work. 1e had sta*ed so
.uke e<pained$ ?:he* are sendin! Ben awa* because
as to ?hande? herI 6avid went upstairs$ and brou!ht
he isn?t rea* one of us.?
down suitcases and hodas that he had packed 5uiet*
In the da*s that foowed$ the fami* e<panded ike
whie she was !ivin! the chidren breakfast.
paper fowers in water. 1arriet understood what a
1e fun! these into the van. :hen$ his face set hard$
burden Ben had been$ how he had oppressed them a$
so that 1arriet hard* knew him$ he picked Ben up
how much the chidren had sufferedG knew that the*
from where he sat on the foor in the ivin!)room$
had taked about it much more than the parents had
carried him to the van$ and put him in. :hen he came
wanted to know$ had tried to come to terms with Ben.
fast to 1arriet$ with the same hard set face$ and put his
But now Ben was !one their e*es shone$ the* were fu
arm around her$ turned her awa* from the si!ht of the of hi!h spirits$ and the* kept comin! to 1arriet with
van$ which was aread* on its wa* (she coud hear itte !ifts of a sweet or a to*$ ?:his is for *ou$ ,umm*.?
@es and shouts comin! from inside it)$ and took her 7r the* rushed up to kiss her$ or stroke her face$ or
to the sofa$ where ) sti hodin! her ti!ht ) he said$
nu--e to her ike happ* caves or foas. (nd 6avid
over and over a!ain$ ?3e have to do it$ 1arriet. 3e
took da*s off from work to be with them a ) to be
have to.? She was weepin! with the shock of it$ and
with her. 1e was carefu with her$ tender. (s if I were
with reief$ and with !ratitude to him$ who was takin!
i$ she decided rebeious*. 7f course she thou!ht a
a the responsibiit*.
the time of Ben$ who was a prisoner somewhere. 3hat
3hen the chidren came home$ the* were tod Ben kind of a prisonerH She pictured the itte back van$
had !one to sta* with someone. remembered his cries of ra!e as he was taken awa*.
?3ith %rann*H? asked 1een$ an<ious. :he da*s went b*$ and normait* fied the house.
?8o.? 1arriet heard the chidren takin! about the "aster
+our pairs of suspicious$ apprehensive e*es became hoida*s. ?It wi be a ri!ht now that Ben isn?t here$?
sudden* fu of reief. 1*sterica reief. :he chidren said 1een.
danced about$ unabe to hep themseves$ and then :he* had awa*s understood so much more than she
pretended it was a !ame the* had thou!ht up then and
had wanted to acknowed!e.
there.
3hie she was part of the !enera reief$ and coud
(t supper the* were overbri!ht$ !i!!in!$ h*sterica.
hard* beieve she had been abe to stand such strain$
But in a 5uiet moment >ane asked shri*$ ?(re *ou
and for so on!$ she coud not banish Ben from her
!oin! to send us awa*$ tooH? She was a stoid$ 5uiet
mind. It was not with ove$ or even affection$ that she
9C
thou!ht of him$ and she disiked hersef for not bein!
abe to find one itte spark of norma feein!; it was
!uit and horror that kept her awake throu!h the ni!hts.
6avid knew she was awake$ thou!h she did tr* to hide
it.
:hen one mornin! she started up out of seep$ out of a
bad dream$ thou!h she did not know what$ and she
said$ ?I?m !oin! to see what the* are doin! to Ben.?
6avid opened his e*es$ and a* sient$ starin! over
his arm at the window. 1e had been do-in!$ not aseep.
She knew he had feared this$ and there was somethin!
about him then that said to her; Ri!ht$ then that?s it$
it?s enou!h.
?6avid$ I?ve !ot to.?
?6on?t$? he said.
?I simp* have to.?
(!ain she knew from the wa* he a* there$ not
ookin! at her$ and did not sa* an*thin! more than that
one s*abe$ that it was bad for her$ that he was makin!
decisions as he a* there. 1e sta*ed where he was for a
few minutes$ and then !ot out of bed$ and went out of
the room and downstairs.
3hen she had !ot her cothes on$ she ran! ,o*$
who was at once cod* an!r*. ?8o$ I?m not !oin! to te
*ou where it is. 8ow *ou?ve done it$ then eave it
aone.?
But at ast she did !ive 1arriet the address.
(!ain 1arriet was wonderin! wh* she was awa*s
treated ike a crimina. "ver since Ben was born it?s
been ike this$ she thou!ht. 8ow it seemed to her the truth$
that ever*one had sient* condemned her. I have
suffered a misfortune$ she tod hersefG I haven?t committed
a crime.
9#
Ben had been taken to a pace in the 8orth of
"n!andG it woud be four or five hours? drive ) perhaps
more$ if she was unuck* with traffic. :here was bad
traffic$ and she drove throu!h !re* wintr* rain. It was
ear* afternoon when she approached a ar!e soid
buidin! of dark stone$ in a vae* hi!h amon! moors
she coud hard* see for !re* driftin! rain. :he pace
stood s5uare and upri!ht amon! disma drippin! ever)
!reens$ and its re!uar windows$ three rows of them$
were barred.
She entered a sma entrance obb* that had a hand)
written card tacked on the inner door; ?Rin! for (ttend)
ance.? She ran!$ and waited$ and nothin! happened.
1er heart was beatin!. She sti sur!ed with the adren)
ain that had !iven her the impetus to come$ but the
on! drive had subdued her$ and this oppressive buid)
in! was tein! her nerves$ if not her intei!ence ) for$
after a$ she had no facts to !o on ) that what she had
feared was true. @et she did not know e<act* what
that was. She ran! a!ain. :he buidin! was sient; she
coud hear the shri of a be a on! wa* off in its
interior. (!ain$ nothin!$ and she was about to !o
around to the back when the door abrupt* opened to
show a sattern* !ir wearin! Ferse*s$ cardi!ans$ and a
thick scarf. She had a pae itte face under a mass of
cur* *eow hair that had a bue ribbon hodin! a
5ueue ike a sheep?s tai. She seemed tired.
?@esH? she asked.
1arriet saw$ understandin! what this meant$ that
peope simp* did not come here.
She said$ aread* stubborn$ ?I?m ,rs .ovatt and I?ve
come to see m* son.?
9&
It was evident that these were words this institution$
whatever it was$ did not e<pect to meet.
:he !ir stared$ !ave an invountar* itte shake of
the head that e<pressed incapacit*$ and then said$ ?6r
,acPherson isn?t here this week.? She was Scottish$
too$ and her accent was stron!.
?Someone must be deputi-in! for him$? said 1arriet
decisive*.
:he !ir fe back before 1arriet?s manner$ smiin!
uncertain*$ and ver* worried. She muttered$ ?3ait
here$ then$? and went inside. 1arriet foowed her
before the bi! door was shut to e<cude her. :he !ir
did !ance around$ as if she panned to sa*$ @ou must
wait outside$ but instead she said$ ?I? fetch someone$?
and went on into the dark caverns of a corridor that
had sma ceiin! i!hts a aon! it$ hard* disturbin!
the !oom. :here was a sme of disinfectant. (bsoute
sience. 8o$ after a time 1arriet became aware of a hi!h
thin screamin! that be!an$ and stopped$ and went on a!ain$
comin! from the back of the buidin!.
8othin! happened. 1arriet went out into the vesti)
bue$ which was aread* darkenin! with the approach)
in! ni!ht. :he rain was now a cod deu!e$ sient and
re!uar. :he moors had disappeared.
She ran! a!ain$ decisive*$ and returned to the
corridor.
:wo fi!ures appeared$ a on! wa* off under the
pinpoints of the ceiin! i!hts$ and came towards her. (
*oun! man$ in a white coat that was not cean$ was
foowed b* the !ir$ who now had a ci!arette in her
mouth and was screwin! up her e*es from the smoke.
Both ooked tired and uncertain.
1e was an ordinar* *oun! man$ thou!h worn down
9B
in a !enera wa*G taken bit b* bit$ hands$ face$ e*es$ he
was unremarkabe$ but there was somethin! desperate
about him$ as if he contained an!er$ or hopeessness.
?@ou can?t be here$? he said$ in a furried indecisive
wa*. ?3e don?t have visitin! da*s here.? 1is voice was
South .ondon$ fat and nasa.
?But I am here$? said 1arriet. ?I am here to see m* son
Ben .ovatt.?
(nd sudden* he took in a breath$ and ooked at the
!ir$ who pursed her ips to!ether and raised her
e*ebrows.
?.isten$? said 1arriet. ?I don?t think *ou understand.
I?m not Fust !oin! awa*$ *ou know. I?ve come to see m*
son$ and that is what I am !oin! to do.?
1e knew she meant it. 1e sow* nodded$ as if
sa*in!$ @es$ but that isn?t the point. 1e was ookin!
hard at her. She was bein! !iven a warnin!$ and from
someone who was takin! the responsibiit* for it. 1e
mi!ht be a rather pitiabe *oun! man$ and certain* an
overtired and inade5uate* fed one$ doin! this Fob
because he coud not !et another$ but the wei!ht of his
position ) the unhapp* wei!ht of it ) was speakin!
throu!h him$ and his e<pression and his reddened$
smoke)tired e*es were severe$ authoritative$ to be taken
serious*.
?3hen peope dump their kids here$ the* don?t come
and see them after$? he said.
?@ou see$ *ou don?t understand at a$? said the !ir.
1arriet heard hersef e<pode with ?I?m sick of bein!
tod I don?t understand this and that. I?m the chid?s
mother. I?m Ben .ovatt?s mother. 6o $ou understand
thatH?
92
Sudden* the* were a three to!ether in understand)
in!$ even in desperate acceptance of some kind of
!enera fatait*.
1e nodded$ and said$ ?3e$ I? !o and see ...?
?(nd I am comin!$ too$? she said.
:his rea* did aert him. ?7h no$? he e<caimed$
?@ou are not' 1e said somethin! to the !ir$ who be!an
runnin! surprisin!* fast down the corridor. ?@ou sta*
here$? he said to 1arriet$ and strode after the !ir.
1arriet saw the !ir turn ri!ht and disappear$ and
without thinkin! she opened a door at her ri!ht hand.
She saw the *oun! man?s arm raised in imprecation$
or warnin!$ whie what was behind that door reached
her.
She was at the end of a on! ward$ which had an*
number of cots and beds aon! the was. In the cots
were ) monsters. 3hie she strode rapid* throu!h the
ward to the door at the other end$ she was abe to see
that ever* bed or cot hed an infant or sma chid in
whom the human tempate had been wrenched out of
pattern$ sometimes horrib*$ sometimes si!ht*. (
bab* ike a comma$ !reat oin! head on a stak of a
bod* ... then somethin! ike a stick insect$ enormous
bu!in! e*es amon! stiff fra!iities that were imbs ...
a sma !ir a burred$ her fesh !utterin! and metin!
) a do with chak* swoen imbs$ its e*es wide and
bank$ ike bue ponds$ and its mouth open$ showin! a
swoen itte ton!ue. ( ank* bo* was skewed$ one
haf of his bod* sidin! from the other. ( chid seemed
at first !ance norma$ but then 1arriet saw there was
no back to its headG it was a face$ which seemed to
scream at her. Rows of freaks$ near* a aseep$ and a
sient. :he* were itera* dru!!ed out of their minds.
9/
3e$ near* sient; there was a drear* sobbin! from a
cot that had its sides shieded with bankets. :he hi!h
intermittent screamin!$ nearer now$ sti assauted her
nerves. ( sme of e<crement$ stron!er than the disin)
fectant. :hen she was out of the ni!htmare ward and
in another corridor$ parae to the one she had first
seen$ and identica. (t its end she saw the !ir$ fo)
owed b* the *oun! man$ come a itte wa* towards
her and then a!ain turn ri!ht. . . . 1arriet ran fast$
hearin! her feet thud on the boards$ and turned where
the* did$ and was in a tin* room hodin! troe*s of
medicines and dru!s. She ran throu!h this and was
now in a on! cement)foored passa!e that had doors
with inspection !ries in them a aon! the wa facin!
her. :he *oun! man and the !ir were openin! one of
these doors as she arrived beside them. ( three were
breathin! heavi*.
KShit$? said the *oun! man$ meanin! her bein! there.
?.itera*$? said 1arriet as the door opened on a
s5uare room whose was were of white shin* pastic
that was buttoned here and there and ooked ike fake
e<pensive eather uphoster*. 7n the foor$ on a !reen
foam)rubber mattress$ a* Ben. 1e was unconscious.
1e was naked$ inside a strait)Facket. 1is pae *eow
ton!ue protruded from his mouth. 1is fesh was dead
white$ !reenish. "ver*thin! ) was$ the foor$ and Ben
) was smeared with e<crement. ( poo of dark *eow
urine oo-ed from the paet which was soaked.
?I tod *ou not to comeI? shouted the *oun! man. 1e
took Ben?s shouders and the !ir Ben?s feet. +rom the
wa* the* touched the chid$ 1arriet saw the* were not
brutaG that was not the point at a. :he* ifted Ben
99
thus ) for in this wa* the* had to touch ver* itte of
him ) out of this room$ aon! the corridor a itte wa*$
and throu!h another door. She foowed$ and stood
watchin!. :his was a room that had sinks a aon! one
wa$ an immense bath$ and a sopin! cement shef
with pu!s a aon! it. :he* put Ben on this shef$
unwound the strait)Facket$ and$ havin! adFusted the
temperature of the water$ be!an washin! him down
with a hose that was attached to one of the taps. 1arriet
eaned a!ainst the wa$ watchin!. She was shocked to
the point where she fet nothin! at a. Ben did not
move. 1e a* ike a drowned fish on the sab$ was
turned over severa times b* the !ir$ when the *oun!
man interrupted the hosin! process for the purpose$
and was fina* carried b* them both to another sab$
where the* dried him and then took a cean strait)
Facket from a pie and put it on him.
?3h*H? demanded 1arriet$ fierce. :he* did not
answer.
:he* took the chid$ trussed$ unconscious$ his ton!ue
oin!$ out of the room$ down the corridor$ and into
another room that had a cement shef ike a bed in it.
:he* put Ben on it$ and then both stood up and si!hed;
?Phew.?
?3e$ there he is$? said the *oun! man. 1e stood for a
moment$ e*es cosed$ recoverin! from the ordea$ and then it
a ci!arette. :he !ir put out her hand for oneG he !ave it to
her. :he* stood smokin!$ ookin! at 1arriet in an
e<hausted$ defeated wa*.
She did not know what to sa*. 1er heart was hurtin!
as it woud for one of her own$ rea chidren$ for Ben
ooked more ordinar* than she had ever seen him$
1''
with those hard cod aien e*es of his cosed. Pathetic;
she had never seen him as pathetic before.
?I think I? take him home$? she said.
?It?s up to *ou$? said the *oun! man short*.
:he !ir was ookin! curious* at 1arriet$ as if she
were part of the phenomenon that was Ben$ of the
same nature. She asked$ ?3hat are *ou !oin! to do with
himH? She added$ and 1arriet reco!ni-ed fear in her
voice$ ?1e?s so stron! ) I?ve never seen an*thin! ike
it.$
?8one of us have seen an*thin! ike it$? said the
*oun! man.
?3here are his cothesH?
8ow he au!hed$ scornfu$ and said$ ?@ou?re !oin! to put
his cothes on and take him home$ Fust ike thatH?
?3h* notH 1e was wearin! cothes when he came.?
:he two attendants ) nurses$ orderies$ whatever
the* were ) e<chan!ed ooks. :hen both took a dra! on
their ci!arettes.
1e said$ ?I don?t think *ou understand$ ,rs .ovatt.
1ow far have *ou !ot to !o$ for a startH?
?+our or five hours? drivin!.?
1e au!hed a!ain$ at the impossibiit* of it ) of her,
1arriet ) and said$ ?1e?s !oin! to come round on the
Fourne*$ and then whatH?
?3e$ he? see me$? she said$ and saw from their
faces that she was bein! stupid. ?( ri!ht$ then$ what do
*ou adviseH?
?3rap him in a coupe of bankets$ over the strait)
Facket$? said the !ir.
?(nd then drive ike he$? he said.
:he three now stood in sience$ ookin! at each
other$ a on!$ sober ook.
1'1
?@ou tr* doin! this Fob$? said the !ir sudden*$ fu
of ra!e a!ainst fate. ?@ou Fust tr* it. 3e$ I?m eavin! at
the end of this month.?
?(nd so am 1$ no one sticks it on!er than a few
weeks$? said the man.
?( ri!ht$? said 1arriet. ?I?m not !oin! to compain$
or an*thin!.?
?@ou? have to si!n a form. 3e have to be covered$?
he said.
But the* coud not easi* find the form. (t ast$ after a
ot of rumma!in! about in a fiin! cabinet$ the*
produced a sip of paper$ mimeo!raphed *ears a!o$
that said 1arriet ac5uitted the institution of a
responsibiit*.
8ow she picked Ben up$ touchin! him for the first
time. 1e was dead* cod. 1e a* heav* in her arms$
and she understood the words ?a dead wei!ht?.
She went out into the corridor$ sa*in!$ ?I?m not !oin!
throu!h that ward a!ain.?
?3ho coud bame *ouH? said the *oun! man$ weari*
sarcastic. 1e had !ot hod of a oad of bankets$ and
the* wrapped Ben in two$ carried him out to the car$
aid him on the back seat$ and pied more bankets
over him. 7n* his face showed.
She stood with the two *oun! peope b* the car.
:he* coud hard* see each other. (part from the car
i!hts$ and the i!hts of the buidin!$ it was dark. 3ater
s5ueched under foot. :he *oun! man took out of his
overa pocket$ a pastic packa!e containin! a s*rin!e$ a
coupe of needes$ and some ampues.
?@ou had better take these$? he said.
1arriet hesitated$ and the !ir said$ ?,rs .ovatt$ I
don?t think *ou reai-e ) ?
1'0
She nodded$ took the packa!e$ !ot in.
?@ou can !ive him up to four shots a da*$ no more$?
said the *oun! man.
(s she was about to et the cutch peda out$ she
asked$ ?:e me$ how on! do *ou think he woud have
astedH?
:heir faces were white patches in the !oom$ but she
coud see that he shook his head$ turnin! awa*. :he
!ir?s voice came; ?8one of them ast on!. But this one
. . . he?s ver* stron!. 1e?s the stron!est an* of us have
seen.?
?3hich means he woud have asted on!erH?
?8o$? he said. ?8o$ that?s not it at a. Because he?s so
stron!$ he fi!hts a the time$ and so he has to have
bi!!er shots. It kis them.?
?( ri!ht$? said 1arriet. ?3e$ thank *ou both.?
:he* stood watchin! as she drove off$ but amost at
once vanished into the wet dark. (s she rounded the
drive$ she saw them standin! in the dim* it porch$
cose to!ether$ as if reuctant to !o in.
She drove as fast as she coud throu!h the wintr*
rain$ avoidin! the main roads$ keepin! an e*e on the
heap of bankets behind her. (bout haf)wa* home she
saw the bankets heave and convuse$ and Ben woke
with a beow of ra!e$ and thrashed about$ andin! on
the foor of the car$ where he be!an to scream$ not ike
the thin hi!h automatic screamin! she had heard at the
institution but screams of fear that vibrated throu!h
her. She stuck it out for haf an hour$ feein! the thuds
that Ben made vibrate throu!h the car. She was ookin!
for a a*)b* that had no other car in it$ and when she
found one$ she stopped$ et the en!ine run$ and took
out the s*rin!e. She knew how to use it$ from some
1'C
iness of the other chidren. She broke open the
capsue$ which had no brand name on it$ and fied the
s*rin!e. :hen she eaned over the back of the seat. Ben$
naked e<cept for the strait)Facket$ and bue with cod$
was heavin! and stru!!in! and beowin!. 1is e*es
ooked up at her in a !are of hate. 1e didn?t reco!ni-e
her$ she thou!ht. She did not dare unwind the Facket.
She was afraid of inFectin! him an*where near his
neck. (t ast she mana!ed to !rab$ and hod$ an anke$
Fabbed the neede into the ower part of his caf$ and
waited unti he went imp; it took a few moments.
3hat was this stuffH
(!ain she put him on the back seat under the
bankets$ and now she drove on the main roads home.
She !ot there at about ei!ht. :he chidren woud be
sittin! around the kitchen tabe. (nd 6avid woud be
with them; he woud not have !one to work.
3ith Ben a mound of bankets in her arms$ his face
covered$ she went into the ivin!)room$ and ooked
over the ow wa to where the* a sat around the bi!
tabe. .uke. 1een. >ane. .itte Pau. (nd 6avid$ his
face set and an!r*. (nd ver* tired.
She remarked$ ?:he* were kiin! him$? and saw that
6avid woud not for!ive her for sa*in! this in front of
the chidren. ( showed fear.
She went strai!ht up the stairs to the bi! bedroom$
and throu!h it to ?the bab*?s room?$ and put Ben on the
bed. 1e was wakin! up. (nd then it be!an$ the fi!htin!$
the heavin!$ the screamin!. (!ain he was on the foor$
roin! around on itG and a!ain he fe<ed and bent and
thrashed$ and his e*es were pure hate.
She coud not take off the strait)Facket.
She went down into the kitchen$ and !ot mik and
1'#
biscuits whie her fami* sat and watched her in tota
sience.
Ben?s screams and stru!!in! were shakin! the
house.
?:he poice wi be here$? said 6avid.
?Eeep them 5uiet$? she commanded$ and went up
with the food.
3hen Ben saw what she hed$ he became sient and
sti$ and his e*es were avid. She ifted him ike a
mumm*$ put the cup of mik to his ips$ and he amost
drowned as he !uped; he was starvin!. She fed him
bits of biscuit$ keepin! her fin!ers cear of his teeth.
3hen what she had brou!ht was finished$ he be!an
roarin! and faiin! a!ain. She !ave him another Fab.
:he chidren were in front on the teevision$ but
were not watchin! it. >ane and Pau were cr*in!. 6avid
sat at the tabe with his head in his hands. She said
soft*$ for him to hear$ ?( ri!ht$ I am a crimina. But
the* were murderin! him.?
1e did not move. She had her back to him. She did
not want to see his face.
She said$ ?1e woud have been dead in a few months.
3eeks$ probab*.? ( sience. (t ast she turned. She
coud hard* bear to ook at him. 1e ooked i$ but that
was not it ...
She said$ ?I coudn?t stand it.?
1e said deiberate*$ ?I thou!ht that was the idea.?
She cried out$ ?@es$ but *ou didn?t see it$ *ou didn?t
see ) I?
?I was carefu not to see$? he said. ?3hat did *ou
suppose was !oin! to happenH :hat the* were !oin! to
turn him into some we)adFusted member of societ*
1'&
and then ever*thin! woud be ove*H? 1e was Feerin! to hep her. :wo *oun! poicewomen stood there$ and
at her$ but it was because his throat was stiff with tears. 6avid was takin! to them. :he* went awa*.
8ow the* ooked at each other$ on!$ hard$ seein!
3hat had the* been todH She did not ask.
ever*thin! about each other. She thou!ht$ ( ri!ht$ he
:owards the time the chidren were due home$ she
was ri!ht$ and I was wron!. But it?s done. said to Ben$ ?I want *ou to be 5uiet now$ Ben. :he
She said aoud$ ?( ri!ht$ but it?s done.? other chidren wi be here and *ou? fri!hten them
?:hat?s the mot <uste, I think.? screamin! ike that.?
She sat down beside the chidren on the sofa. 8ow 1e became 5uiet; it was e<haustion.
she saw the* a had tear)stained faces. She coud not
1e was on the foor$ which was b* now streaked
touch them to comfort them$ because it was she who
with e<crement. She carried him to the bathroom$ took
made them cr*. off the Facket$ put him in the bath and washed him$
3hen she at ast said ?Bed$? the* a !ot up at once and saw that he was shudderin! with terror; he had
and went$ without ookin! at her.
not awa*s been unconscious when the* washed him
She took suppies of suitabe food for Ben up to the
in that pace. She took him back to the bed$ and said$
bi! bedroom. 6avid had moved his thin!s to another
?If *ou start a that a!ain$ then I?m !oin! to have to put
room. that thin! back on *ou.?
3hen Ben woke towards mornin! and be!an his 1e !round his teeth at her$ his e*es ba-in!. But he
roarin!$ she fed him$ and dru!!ed him.
was afraid$ too. She was !oin! to have to contro him
She !ave the chidren breakfast as awa*s$ and tried throu!h fear.
to be norma. :he* tried$ too. 8o one mentioned Ben. She ceaned his room whie he a* movin! his arms
3hen 6avid came down$ she said$ ?Pease take them
about$ as if he had for!otten how to do it. 1e had been
to schoo.?
in that coth prison$ probab*$ ever since he had been
:hen the house had on* her and Ben in it. 3hen he in the institution.
woke$ she fed him but did not dru! him. 1e roared and :hen he s5uatted on his bed$ movin! his arms and
stru!!ed$ but$ she thou!ht$ much ess.
starin! around his room$ reco!ni-in! it$ and her$ at
In a u$ when he seemed worn out$ she said$ ?Ben$ ast.
*ou are at home$ not in that pace.? 1e was istenin!.
1e said$ ?7pen the door.?
?3hen *ou stop makin! a that noise$ I? take *ou
She said$ ?8o$ not unti I am sure *ou wi behave
out of that thin! the* put *ou in.?
we.?
It was too soon$ he be!an stru!!in! a!ain. :hrou!h
1e was about to start a!ain$ but she shouted at him$
his screams she heard voices$ and went to the banis)
?Ben$ I mean itI @ou shout and scream and I? tie *ou
ters. 6avid had not !one to his office$ had sta*ed home up.
1'B
1'2
1e controed himsef. She handed him sandwiches$
which he crammed into his mouth$ chokin!.
1e had unearned a the basic socia skis that it
had been so hard to teach him.
She taked 5uiet* whie he ate. ?(nd now isten to
me$ Ben. @ou have to isten. @ou behave we and
ever*thin! wi be a ri!ht. @ou must eat proper*.
@ou must use the pot or !ot to the avator*. (nd *ou
mustn?t scream and fi!ht.? She was not sure he heard
her. She repeated it. She went on repeatin! it.
:hat evenin! she sta*ed with Ben$ and she did not
see the other chidren at a. 6avid went up to the other
room awa* from her. 1ow she fet at this time was that
she was shiedin! them from Ben whie she re)edu)
cated him for fami* ife. But how the* fet it$ she
knew$ was that she had turned her back on them a
and chosen to !o off into aien countr*$ with Ben.
:hat ni!ht she ocked the door on him$ and boted
it$ eft him undru!!ed and hoped he woud seep. 1e
did$ but woke$ screamin! in fear. She went in to him$
and found him backed a!ainst the wa at the end of
the bed$ an arm up over his face$ unabe to hear her$
whie she taked$ and taked$ usin! reasonabe persuas)
ive words a!ainst this storm of terror. (t ast he became
5uiet and she !ave him food. 1e coud not !et enou!h
food; he had rea* been starvin!. :he* had had to
keep him dru!!ed$ and$ when dru!!ed$ he coud not
eat.
+ed$ he a!ain backed himsef a!ainst the wa$ s5uat)
ted on the bed$ and ooked at the door where his Faiers
woud enter; he had not rea* understood he was at
home.
1'/
:hen he nodded off ... woke with a beowG nodded
off ... woke ... She camed him$ and he dropped off.
6a*s passedG ni!hts passed.
1e at ast understood he was at home and safe.
Sow*$ he stopped eatin! as if ever* mouthfu were his
ast. Sow*$ he used his pot$ and then aowed
himsef to be taken b* the hand aon! the passa!e to
the avator*. :hen he came downstairs$ dartin! !ances
around him to see the enem* before he coud be
captured a!ain. (s he saw it$ this house was where he
had been trapped. (nd b* his father. 3hen he first set
e*es on 6avid$ he backed awa*$ hissin!.
6avid did not tr* to reassure himG as far as he was
concerned$ Ben was 1arriet?s responsibiit*$ and his
was for the chidren ) the rea chidren.
Ben took his pace at the bi! tabe$ amon! the other
chidren. 1e kept his e*es on his father$ who had
betra*ed him. 1een said$ ?1eo$ Ben.? :hen .uke;
?1eo$ Ben.? :hen >ane. 8ot Pau$ who was miserabe
that Ben was there a!ain$ and took himsef off to fump
into a chair and pretend to watch teevision.
Ben at ast said$ ?1eo.? 1is e*es were movin! from
face to face; friend or foeH
1e ate$ watchin! them. 3hen the* went to sit and
watch teevision$ he did$ too$ cop*in! them for safet*$
and ooked at the screen because the* did.
(nd so thin!s went back to norma$ if that was a
word that coud be used.
But Ben did not trust his fatherG he never trusted him
a!ain. 6avid coud not even come near him without
Ben free-in!$ and backin! awa*$ and$ if he came too
cose$ snarin!.
3hen she was sure Ben had recovered$ 1arriet acted
1'9
on an idea she had been deveopin!. :he !arden had
!ot bad* out of hand ast summer$ and a *outh caed
>ohn came to hep with it. 1e was unempo*ed$ and
did odd Fobs.
+or a few da*s he had cut hed!es$ du! up a coupe
of aiin! shrubs$ sawed off a dead branch$ mowed the
awn. Ben woud not be parted from him. 1e crouched
at the french doors$ waitin! for >ohn to arriveG then
foowed him around ike a pupp*. >ohn did not mind
Ben at a. 1e was a bi!$ sha!!*$ amiabe *outh$ !ood)
natured$ patient; he treated Ben in a rou!h)and)read*
wa*$ as if Ben were indeed a pupp* that needed
trainin!. ?8o$ *ou must sit there now and wait ti I?ve
done.? ?1od these shears for me$ that?s ri!ht.? ?8o$ I?m
!oin! home now$ *ou can come to the !ate with me.?
Ben sometimes whined and !ri--ed when >ohn went
off.
8ow 1arriet went down to a certain cafe ) ?Bett*?s
4aff?$ as it was known ) where she knew he hun! out$
and found him there with some mates. :his was a !an!
of unempo*ed *oun! men$ about ten of them$ and
sometimes there were a coupe of !irs. She did not
bother to e<pain an*thin!$ for b* now she knew that
peope understood ver* we ) that is$ if the* weren?t
e<perts$ doctors.
She sat amon! these *ouths$ and said that it woud
be two *ears$ perhaps more$ before Ben went to schoo.
1e wasn?t suitabe for ordinar* nurser* schoo. She
ooked at >ohn deiberate*$ in the e*es$ when she used
the word ?suitabe?$ and he simp* nodded. She woud
ike Ben taken care of durin! the da*. :he mone*
woud be !ood.
11'
?@ou want me up at *our houseH? >ohn asked$ sa*in!
no to this proposition.
?It woud be up to *ou$? said 1arriet. ?1e ikes *ou$
>ohn. 1e trusts *ou.?
1e ooked at his mates; the* consuted each other
with their e*es. :hen he nodded.
8ow he arrived most mornin!s about nine$ and Ben
went off with him on his motorbike; went e<utant*$
au!hin!$ without a ook back at his mother$ his father$
his brothers and sisters. :he understandin! was that
Ben shoud be kept we awa* from his home unti
supper time$ but often it was on! after that when he
arrived. 1e had become part of the !roup of *oun!
unempo*ed$ who hun! about on pavements$ sat
around in cafes$ sometimes did odd Fobs$ went to the
cinema$ rushed about on motorbikes or in borrowed
cars.
:he fami* became a fami* a!ain. 3e$ amost.
6avid came back to seep in the connubia room.
:here was a distance between them. 6avid had made
and now kept this distance because 1arriet had hurt
him so bad*; she understood this. 1arriet informed
him that she was now on the Pi; for both it was a
beak moment$ because of ever*thin! the* had been$
had stood for$ in the past$ which had made it imposs)
ibe for her to be on the Pi. :he* had fet it deep*
wron! so to tamper with the processes of 8atureI
8ature ) the* now reminded themseves the* once fet
) was at some eve or other to be reied upon.
1arriet ran! up 6oroth* and asked her if she woud
come for a week$ and then be!!ed 6avid to !o off with
her on a hoida* somewhere. :he* had not been aone$
ever$ since .uke was born. :he* chose a 5uiet countr*
111
hote$ and waked a !ood dea$ and were considerate
with each other. :heir hearts ached a !ood deaG but
then that seemed to be somethin! the* must ive with.
Sometimes$ particuar* in their happiest moments$
the* coud not stop their e*es from fiin!. But at ni!hts
when she a* in her husband?s arms$ 1arriet knew this
was nothin! ike the rea thin!$ not ike the past.
She said$ ?Suppose we do what we said we woud )
I mean$ !o on havin! chidrenH?
She fet how his bod* tensed$ fet his an!er.
?(nd so it a never happenedH? he asked at ast$ and
she knew he was curious to hear her; he coud not
beieve his earsI
?(nother Ben woudn?t happen a!ain ) wh* shoud
itH?
?It?s not a 5uestion of another Ben$? he remarked at
ast$ and he was keepin! his voice emotioness because
of his an!er.
She knew that what he coud have assauted her
with was e<act* what she awa*s tried to concea from
hersef$ or at east the worst of it; she had deat the
fami* a morta wound when she rescued Ben.
She persisted$ ?3e coud have more chidren.?
?(nd the four we have don?t countH?
?Perhaps it woud brin! us a to!ether a!ain$ make
thin!s better ...?
1e was sientG and a!ainst that sience she coud
hear how fase her words had run!.
(t ast he en5uired$ in the same emotioness wa*$
?(nd what about PauH? +or it was Pau who was the
most dama!ed.
?Perhaps he woud !et over it$? she said hopeess*.
110
?1e is not !oin! to !et over it$ 1arriet.? (nd now his
voice vibrated with what he was suppressin!.
She turned awa* from him$ and a* weepin!.
3hen the summer hoida*s were due$ 1arriet wrote
carefu etters to ever*one$ e<painin! that Ben was
hard* ever in the house. She fet unfaithfu and
treacherous doin! this; but to whomH
Some of them came. 8ot ,o*$ or +rederick$ who
did not for!ive her for brin!in! Ben backG nor woud
the* ever$ she knew. 1er sister Sarah came with (m*
and with 6oroth*$ who now was (m*?s support
a!ainst the word. But (m*?s brothers and sisters went
to sta* with their other cousins$ (n!ea?s chidren$ and
the .ovatt chidren knew the* woud not have com)
pan* for the hoida*s because of Ben. Brief*$ 6eborah
was there. She had been married and divorced since
the* had seen her. She was a spik*$ ee!ant$ increas)
in!* witt* and desperate !ir$ who was a !ood aunt to
the chidren$ in an impusive unskied wa*$ with
e<pensive and unsuitabe presents. >ames was there.
1e said severa times that the house was ike a ar!e
fruit)cake$ but this was kindness. :here were some
!rown)up cousins$ at a oose end$ and a coea!ue of
6avid?s.
(nd where was BenH 7ne da*$ 1arriet was shoppin!
in the town$ and she heard the roar of a motorbike
behind her$ and turned to see a creature ike a space)
a!e Focke*$ presumab* >ohn$ crouched ow over the
bars$ and behind him$ cutchin! ti!ht$ a dwarf chid;
she saw her son Ben$ his mouth open in what seemed
to be a chant or *e of e<utation. "cstatic. She had
never seen him ike this. 1app*H 3as that the wordH
She knew he had become a pet or a mascot for this
11C

!roup of *oun! men. :he* treated him rou!h*$ it himsef to be ike them. 1e knew he mustn?t tak with
seemed to 1arriet$ even unkind*$ cain! him 6ope*$ his mouth fu$ for instance$ or eat with his mouth
6warfe*$ (ien :wo$ 1obbit$ and %remin. ?1e*$ open. 1e carefu* obe*ed such imperatives$ the ener)
6ope*$ *ou?re in m* wa*.? ?%o and fetch me a ci!arette !etic anima movements of his Faws confined behind
from >ack$ 1obbit.? But he was happ*. In the mornin!s$ cosed ips$ waitin! ti his mouth was empt* before
he was at the window waitin! for one of them to come sa*in!$ ?Ben !et down now. Ben wants !o to bed.?
and fetch himG if the* faied him$ ran! up to sa* the* 1e was not in ?the bab*?s room? now$ but the one
coudn?t make it that da*$ he was fu of ra!e and nearest to his parents on the andin!. (:he bab*?s room
deprivation$ and stamped beowin! about the house. was empt*.) :he* coud not ock him in at ni!ht; the
It was a costin! a !ood bit of mone*. >ohn and his sound of a ke* turnin!$ the side of a bot$ made him
!an! were havin! !ood times at the .ovatts? e<pense. e<pode into screamin!$ kickin! ra!e. But the ast thin!
8ot on*$ these da*s$ at the e<pense of >ames$ Ben?s before the* sept$ the other chidren ocked their doors
!randfather$ for 6avid was doin! a kinds of e<tra 5uiet* from inside. :his meant 1arriet coud not !o in
work. :he* did not scrupe to put the screws on. ?3e? to them to see how the* were before she went to bed$
take Ben off to the sea$ if *ou ike.? ?7h !ood$ that?d be or if the* were sick. She did not ike to ask them not to
ove*.L It? be twent* 5uid$ then ) there?s petro.? (nd ock their doors$ nor make a bi! thin! of it b* cain!
the roarin! machines went off to the coast$ crowded in a ocksmith and havin! specia ocks fitted$ openabe
with *oun! men and !irs$ Ben with them. 3hen the* from the outside b* an adut with a ke*. :his business
returned him; ?:hat cost more than we thou!ht.? ?1ow of the chidren ockin! themseves in made her fee
muchH? ?(nother ten 5uid.? e<cuded$ for ever shut out and repudiated b* them.
?It?s ver* nice for him$? a cousin mi!ht sa*$ hearin! Sometimes she went soft* to one of their doors and
that Ben was off to the seaside ) Fust as if this were a whispered to be et in$ and she was admitted$ and there
norma thin!$ a itte bo* bein! taken off for a treat. was a itte festiva of kisses and hu!s ) but the* were
1e woud come in from a da* of safet* and enFo*) thinkin! of Ben$ who mi!ht come in ... and severa
ment with >ohn and his mates$ where he was teased times he did arrive sient* in the doorwa* and stare
and rou!hed up$ but accepted$ and stand b* the tabe$ in at this scene$ which he coud not understand.
where his fami* was$ a ookin! at him$ their faces 1arriet woud have iked to ock their door. 6avid
!rave and cautious. ?%ive me bread$? he woud sa*. said$ tr*in! to Foke about it$ that he woud$ one of these
?%ive me biscuits.? da*s. ,ore than once she woke to see Ben standin!
?Sit down$ Ben$? .uke$ or 1een$ or ane ) never Pau sient* there in the haf dark$ starin! at them. :he
) woud sa*$ in the patient$ decent wa* the* had with shadows from the !arden moved on the ceiin!$ the
him$ which hurt 1arriet. spaces of the bi! room emptied into obscurit*$ and
1e scrambed ener!etica* onto a chair$ and set there stood this !obin chid$ haf visibe. :he pressure
11# 11&
of those inhuman e*es of his had entered her seep and
one mornin!$ .uke and 1een$ >ane and Pau behind
woken her. her$ to see Ben s5uattin! on the bi! tabe$ with an
?%o to seep$ Ben$? she woud sa* !ent*$ keepin! her uncooked chicken he had taken from the refri!erator$
voice eve because of the sharp fear she fet. 3hat was which stood open$ its contents spied a over the
he thinkin! as he stood there$ watchin! them seepH f oor. Ben had raided it in some sava!e fit he coud not
6id he want to hurt themH 3as he e<periencin! a contro. %runtin! with satisfaction$ he tore the raw
miser* she coud not be!in to ima!ine$ because he was chicken apart with teeth and hands$ pusin! with
for ever shut out from the ordinariness of this house barbaric stren!th. 1e had ooked up over the part*
and its peopeH 6id he want to put his arms around
shredded and dismembered carcass at 1arriet$ at his
her$ ike the other chidren$ but not know howH But
sibin!s$ and snared. :hen 1arriet saw the vitait* die
when she put her arms around him$ there was no down in him as she scoded$ 'Naught$ Ben$? and he
response$ no warmthG it was as if he did not fee her made himsef stand up there on the tabe$ and then
touch. Fump down to the foor and face her$ the remains of the
But$ after a$ he was in the house ver* itte. chicken dan!in! in one hand.
?3e aren?t far off bein! norma a!ain$? she said to ?Poor Ben hun!r*$? he whined.
6avid. 1opefu*. .on!in! for him to reassure her. But 1e had taken to cain! himsef Poor Ben. 1e had
he on* nodded$ and did not ook at her. heard someone sa* thisH In the !roup of *oun! men
In fact$ those two *ears before Ben went to schoo and their !irs$ had someone said$ ?Poor BenI? ) and he
were not too bad; afterwards she ooked back on them
had then known it fitted himH 3as this how he thou!ht
!ratefu*.
of himsefH If so$ this was a window into a Ben
In the *ear Ben was five$ .uke and 1een announced
conceaed from them$ and it broke one?s heart ) broke
the* wanted to !o to boardin!)schoo. :he* were
1arriet?s heart$ to be accurate.
thirteen and eeven. 7f course this went a!ainst ever*) :he chidren had not commented at a on this scene.
thin! 1arriet and 6avid beieved in. :he* said thisG :he* had sat themseves around the tabe for breakfast$
said$ too$ that the* coud not afford it. But a!ain the ookin! at each other$ not at her or at Ben.
parents had to face how much the chidren understood$
:here was no wa* Ben coud !et out of !oin! to
how the* discussed$ and panned ) and then? acted. schoo. She had !iven up tr*in! to read to him$ pa*
.uke had aread* written to %randfather >ames$ 1een with him$ teach him an*thin!; he coud not earn. But
to %randmother ,o*. :heir fees woud be paid for. she knew the (uthorities woud never reco!ni-e this$
.uke said$ in his reasonabe wa*$ ?:he* a!ree it or acknowed!e that the* did. :he* woud sa*$ and
woud be better for us. 3e know *ou can?t hep it$ but ri!ht*$ that he did know a ot of thin!s that made him
we don?t ike Ben.? into a part)socia bein!. 1e knew facts. ?:raffic i!hts
:his had happened Fust after 1arriet had come down !reen ) !o. :raffic i!hts red ) stop.? 7r$ ?1af a pate of
11B 112
chips$ haf price bi! pate of chips.? 7r$ ?Shut the door$
because it is cod.? 1e woud sin!son! these truths$
imparted to him presumab* b* >ohn$ ookin! at 1arriet
for confirmation. ?"at with a spoon$ not with fin!ersI?
?1od on ti!ht !oin! around corners.? Sometimes 1ar)
riet heard him sin!in! these so!ans in bed at ni!ht$
thinkin! of the dei!hts of the da* to come.
3hen he was tod he must !o to schoo$ he said he
woud not. 1arriet said there was no wa* around it$ to
schoo he must !o. But he coud be with >ohn at
weekends$ and on hoida*s. :antrums. Ra!es. 6espair.
Roars of ?8oI 8oI 8oI? :he whoe house resounded
with it.
>ohn was summonedG he arrived in the kitchen with
three of his !an!. >ohn$ instructed b* 1arriet$ said to
Ben$ ?8ow isten$ mate. @ou Fust isten to us. @ou?ve
!ot to !o to schoo.?
?3i *ou be thereH? asked Ben$ standin! b* >ohn?s
knee$ ookin! trustfu* up at him. Rather$ his pose$ the
set of his ifted face$ said he trusted >ohn$ but his e*es
seemed to have shrunk into his head with fear.
?8o. But I was at schoo. 3hen I had to be.? 1ere the
four *oun! men au!hed$ for of course the* had pa*ed
truant$ as a their sort did. Schoo was irreevant to
them. ?I was at schoo. Rowand here was at schoo.
Barr* and 1enr* were at schoo.?
?:hat?s ri!ht$ that?s ri!ht$? the* a said$ pa*in! their
parts.
?(nd I was at schoo$? said 1arriet. But Ben did not
hear her; she did not count.
It was fina* arran!ed that 1arriet woud take Ben
to schoo in the mornin!s$ and that >ohn woud be
11/
responsibe for pickin! him up. Ben woud spend the
hours between schoo?s end and bedtime with the !an!.
+or the sake of the fami*$ thou!ht 1arrietG for the
chidren?s sake ... for m* sake and 6avid?s. :hou!h he
seems to come home ater and ater.
,eanwhie the fami* had ) as she fet it$ saw it )
faen apart. .uke and 1een had !one to their respec)
tive boardin!)schoos. In the house were eft >ane and
Pau$ who were both at the same schoo Ben was at$
but bein! in hi!her casses woud not see much of Ben.
>ane continued soid$ sensibe$ 5uiet$ and as abe to
save hersef as .uke or 1een. She sedom came home
after schoo$ but went to friends. Pau did come home.
1e was aone with 1arriet$ and this$ she thou!ht$ was
what he wanted$ and needed. 1e was demandin!$
shri$ difficut$ often in tears. 3here was that enchant)
in!$ deicious itte chid$ her Pau$ she wondered as
he na!!ed and whined$ now a ank* si<)*ear)od$ with
!reat soft bue e*es that often stared at nothin!$ or
seemed to protest at what he saw. 1e was too thin. 1e
had never eaten proper*. She brou!ht him home from
schoo and tried to make him sit down and eat$ or she
sat with him$ and read$ and tod him stories. 1e coud
not concentrate. 1e mooned restess* about$ and da*)
dreamedG then came to 1arriet to touch her$ or cimb
on her ap ike a smaer chid$ never appeased or at
rest or content.
1e had not had a mother at the proper time$ and that
was the troube$ and the* a knew it.
3hen he heard the roar of the machine that was
brin!in! Ben back home$ Pau mi!ht burst into tears$ or
ban! his head on the wa with frustration.
(fter Ben had been at schoo for a month$ and there
119
had been no unpeasant news$ she asked his teacher ?3hat do *ou mean$ ,rs .ovattH? but 5uick*$ and
how he was !ettin! on. She heard$ to her surprise$ then$ to stop 1arriet tein! her$ she funked it with ?1e
?1e?s a !ood itte chap. 1e tries so hard.?
is h*peractive$ perhapsH 7f course that is a word that I
:owards the end of the first term$ she was sum)
often fee evades the issue. :o sa* a chid is h*perac)
moned on the teephone b* the headmistress$ ,rs
tive does not sa* ver* muchI But he does have this
%raves. ?,rs .ovatt$ I wonder if *ou ...?
e<traordinar* ener!*. 1e can?t keep sti on! ) we$ a
(n efficient woman$ she knew what went on in her ot of chidren can?t. 1is teacher has found him a
schoo$ and that 1arriet was the responsibe parent of rewardin! itte bo* because he does tr*$ but she sa*s
.uke$ 1een$ >ane and Pau. she has to put more effort into him than a the rest put
?3e a find ourseves at a oss$? said she. ?Ben is to!ether ... 3e$ ,rs .ovatt$ I?m !ad *ou came in$ it
rea* tr*in! ver* hard. 1e doesn?t seem to fit in with has been a hep.? (nd as 1arriet eft$ she saw how the
the others. It?s hard to put one?s fin!er on it.? headmistress watched her$ with that on!$ troubed
1arriet sat waitin! ) as she had done$ it seemed to inspection that hed unacknowed!ed unease$ even
her$ far too often in Ben?s short ife ) for some kind of horror$ which was part of ?the other conversation? ) the
acknowed!ement that here mi!ht be more than a rea one.
difficut* of adFustment.
:owards the end of the second term$ she was tee)
She remarked$ ?1e has awa*s been an oddba.? phoned; 3oud she come in at once$ peaseH Ben had
?:he odd man out in the fami*H 3e$ there?s usua*
hurt someone.
one$ I?ve often noticed it$? said affabe ,rs %raves.
1ere it was; this is what she had dreaded. Ben had
3hie this surface conversation went on$ the sensiti-ed
sudden* !one berserk and attacked a bi!!er !ir in the
1arriet was istenin! for the other$ parae conversa) pa*!round. 1e had pued her down$ so that she fe
tion that Ben?s e<istence compeed. heavi* on the asphat$ bruisin! and !ra-in! her e!s.
?:hese *oun! men who come and coect Ben$ it?s an :hen he had bitten her$ and bent back her arm unti it
unusua arran!ement$? smied ,rs %raves. broke.
?1e?s an unusua chid$? said 1arriet$ ookin! hard at ?I have spoken to Ben$? said ,rs %raves. ?1e doesn?t
the headmistress$ who nodded$ not ookin! at 1arriet.
seem to be remorsefu in an* wa*. @ou mi!ht even
She was frownin!$ as if some anno*in! thou!ht were think he doesn?t know he did it. But at that a!e ) he is
pokin! at her$ wantin! attention$ but she did not fee si<$ after a ) he shoud know what he is doin!.?
incined to !ive it an*. 1arriet took Ben home$ eavin! Pau to be picked up
?1ave *ou ever known a chid ike Ben beforeH? ater. It was Pau she wanted to take with her; the chid
1arriet asked. had heard of the attack$ and was h*sterica$ screamin!
:his risked the headmistress sa*in!$ ?3hat do *ou that Ben woud ki him$ too. But she had to be aone
mean$ ,rs .ovattH? (nd in fact ,rs %raves did sa*$ with Ben.
10'
101
Ben sat on the kitchen tabe$ swin!in! his e!s$ eatin!
bread and Fam. 1e had asked if >ohn woud come here
to pick him up. It was >ohn he needed.
1arriet said$ ?@ou hurt poor ,ar* >ones toda*. 3h*
did *ou do that$ BenH?
1e seemed not to hear$ but tore umps of bread off
with his teeth$ and then !uped them down.
1arriet sat down cose to him$ so that he coud not
i!nore her$ and said$ ?Ben$ do *ou remember that pace
*ou went to in the vanH?
1e went ri!id. 1e sow* turned his head and ooked
at her. :he bread in his hand was trembin!; he was
trembin!. 1e remembered$ a ri!htI She had never
done this before ) had hoped she woud never have to.
?3e$ do *ou remember$ BenH?
1is e*es had a wid ookG he coud have Fumped
down from the tabe and run off. 1e wanted to$ but
was !arin! around into the corners of the room$ at the
windows$ up the staircase$ as if he mi!ht be attacked
from these paces.
?8ow isten to me$ Ben. If *ou ever$ ever$ ever
hurt
an*one a!ain$ *ou? have to !o back there.?
She kept her e*es on his$ and hoped that he coud
not know she was sa*in! inward*$ But I?d never send
him back$ never.
1e sat shiverin!$ ike a wet$ cod do!$ in spasms$ and
he went throu!h a series of movements$ unconscious*$
the vesti!es of reactions from that time. ( hand went
up to shied his face$ and he ooked throu!h the spread
i f n!ers as if this hand coud protect himG then the hand
fe$ and he turned his head awa* sharp*$ pressin! the
back of the other hand to his mouth$ !arin! in terror
over itG he brief* bared his teeth to snar ) but then
100
checked himsefG he ifted his chin$ and his mouth
opened$ and 1arriet saw that he coud have emitted a
on!$ anima how. It was as if she actua* heard this
how$ its one* terror ...
?6id *ou hear me$ BenH? 1arriet said soft*.
1e sid down off the tabe$ and thumped his wa* up
the stairs. 1e eft behind him a thin trai of urine. She
heard his door shut$ then the beow of ra!e and fear he
had been hodin! back.
She ran! >ohn at Bett*?s 4aff. 1e came at once$ b*
himsef$ as she had asked.
1e heard the stor*$ and went up to Ben in his room.
1arriet stood outside the door$ istenin!.
?@ou don?t know *our own stren!th$ 1obbit$ that?s
the troube. It?s wron! to hurt peope.?
?(re *ou an!r* with BenH (re *ou !oin! to hurt
BenH?
?3ho?s an!r*H? said >ohn. ?But if *ou hurt peope$
then the* hurt *ou.?
?Is ,ar* >ones !oin! to hurt meH?
( sience. >ohn was nonpussed.
?:ake me to the caff with *ouH :ake me now$ take me
awa* now.?
She heard >ohn ookin! for a cean pair of dun!arees$
heard him persuadin! Ben into them. She went down
into the kitchen. >ohn came down the stairs with Ben$
who cun! to his hand. >ohn !ave her a wink and a
thumbs)up si!n. 1e departed with Ben on his motor)
bike. She went to brin! Pau home.
3hen she asked 6r Brett to arran!e an appointment
with a speciaist$ she said$ ?Pease don?t make me out as
some kind of h*sterica idiot.?
She took Ben to .ondon. She eft him in the care of
10C
6r %i*?s nurse. :his doctor iked to see a chid first$ ?3e$ ,rs .ovatt$ woud *ou sa* it is untrueH +irst I
without its parents. It seemed sensibe. Perhaps she is must sa* it is not *our faut. (nd then that it is not
sensibe$ this one$ thou!ht 1arriet$ sittin! b* hersef uncommon. 3e can?t choose what wi turn up in the
drinkin! coffee in a itte cafe$ and then wondered$ otter* ) and that is what havin! a bab* is. .ucki* or
3hat do I mean b* thatH 3hat am I hopin! for$ this
unucki*$ we can?t choose. :he first thin! *ou have to
timeH 3hat she wanted$ she decided$ was that at ast
do is not bame *oursef.?
someone woud use the ri!ht words$ share the burden. ?I don?t bame m*sef$? said 1arriet. ?:hou!h I don?t
8o$ she did not e<pect to be rescued$ or even that e<pect *ou to beieve it. But it?s a bad Foke. I fee I?ve
an*thin! much coud chan!e. She wanted to be been bamed for Ben ever since he was born. I fee ike
acknowed!ed$ her predicament !iven its vaue. a crimina. I?ve awa*s been made to fee ike a crimi)
3e$ was it ike*H In confict$ haf fu of a on!in! na.? 6urin! this compaint ) shri$ but 1arriet coud
for support$ haf c*nica ) &ell, (hat do $ou e4!ect3 / not chan!e her voice ) *ears of bitterness came pourin!
she returned to find Ben with the nurse in a itte room out. ,eanwhie 6r %i* sat ookin! at her desk. ?It
off the waitin!)room. 3ith his back to the wa$ Ben rea* is e<traordinar*I 8o one has ever said to me$ no
watched the nurse?s ever* movement$ as a war* anima
one$ ever$ L1ow cever of *ou to have four marveous
does. 3hen he saw his mother$ he rushed to her and
norma cever !ood)ookin! chidrenI :he* are a credit
hid behind her.
to *ou. 3e done$ 1arrietIL 6on?t *ou think it is
?3e$? said the nurse tart*$ ?there?s no need for that$
stran!e that no one has ever said itH But about Ben )
Ben.? I?m a criminaI?
1arriet tod Ben to sit down and wait for her; she 6r %i* en5uired$ after a pause for ana*sis of what
was comin! back soon. 1e !ot behind a chair and stood 1arriet had said$ ?@ou resent the fact that Ben isn?t
aert$ his e*es on the nurse. cever$ is that itH?
:hen 1arriet was sittin! opposite a shrewd pro) ?7h m* God,' said 1arriet vioent*. ?3hat is the
fessiona woman who had been tod ) 1arriet was pointI?
convinced ) that this was an unreasonabe worr*in! :he two women e*ed each other. 1arriet si!hed$
mother who coudn?t hande her fifth chid. ettin! her vioence subsideG the doctor was an!r*$ but
6r %i* said$ ?I?m !oin! to come strai!ht to the point$
not showin! it.
,rs .ovatt. :he probem is not with Ben$ but with *ou.
?:e me$? said 1arriet$ ?are *ou sa*in! that Ben is a
@ou don?t ike him ver* much.?
perfect* norma chid in ever* wa*H :here?s nothin!
?7h m* God,' e<poded 1arriet$ ?not a!ainI? She
stran!e about himH?
sounded peevish$ whin*. She watched 6r %i* notin!
?1e is within the ran!e of normait*. 1e is not ver*
her reaction. ?6r Brett tod *ou that$? she said. ?8ow
!ood at schoo$ I am tod$ but often sow chidren catch
*ou are sa*in! it.? up ater.?
10# 10&
?I can?t beieve it$? said 1arriet. ?.ook$ Fust do some)
6r %i* sudden*$ une<pected*$ aowed what she
thin! ) oh a ri!ht$ humour meI (sk the nurse to brin!
was thinkin! to e<press itsef. She sat up$ si!hed
Ben in here.? heavi*$ put her hands to her face and drew them
6r %i* considered this$ then spoke into her down$ unti she sat with her e*es shut$ her fin!ers on
machine. her ips. She was a handsome midde)a!ed woman$ in
:he* heard Ben shoutin! ?8o$ noI? and the nurse?s fu command of her ife$ but for the fash of a moment
persuasive voice. an unicensed and ie!itimate distress showed itsef$
:he door opened. Ben appeared; he had been pushed and she ooked beside hersef$ even tips*.
into the room b* the nurse. :he door shut behind him$ :hen she decided to repudiate what 1arriet knew
and he backed a!ainst it$ !arin! at the doctor. was a moment of truth. She et her hands fa$ smied$
1e stood with his shouders hunched forward and and said Fokin!*$ ?+rom another panetH 7uter spaceH?
his knees bent$ as if about to sprin! off somewhere. 1e ?8o. 3e$ *ou saw him$ didn?t *ouH 1ow do we
was a s5uat$ bur* itte fi!ure$ with a bi! head$ the know what kinds of peope ) races$ I mean ) creatures
*eow stubbe of his coarse hair !rowin! from the different from us$ have ived on this panetH In the
doube crown of his head into the point ow on his past$ *ou knowH 3e don?t rea* know$ do weH 1ow do
heav* narrow forehead. 1e had a fattish farin! nose we know that dwarves or !obins or hob!obins$ that
that turned up. 1is mouth was fesh* and cur*. 1is kind of thin!$ didn?t rea* ive hereH (nd that?s wh*
e*es were ike umps of du stone. +or the first time we te stories about themH :he* rea* e<isted$ once.
1arriet thou!ht$ But he doesn?t ook ike a si<)*ear)od$ . . . 3e$ how do we know the* didn?tH?
but much oder. @ou coud amost take him for a itte ?@ou think Ben is a throwbackH? en5uired 6r %i*
man$ not a chid at a. !rave*. She sounded as if 5uite prepared to entertain
:he doctor ooked at Ben. 1arriet watched them the idea.
both. :he doctor then said$ ?( ri!ht$ Ben$ !o out ?It seems to me obvious$? said 1arriet.
a!ain. @our mother wi be with *ou in a minute.?
(nother sience$ and 6r %i* e<amined her we)
Ben stood petrified. (!ain 6r %i* spoke into her
kept hands. She si!hed. :hen she ooked up and met
machine$ the door opened$ and Ben was haued back) 1arriet?s e*es with ?If that is so$ then what do *ou
wards out of si!ht$ snarin!. e<pect me to do about itH?
?:e me$ 6r %i*$ what did *ou seeH?
1arriet insisted$ ?I want it said) I want it reco!ni-ed.
6r %i*?s pose was war*$ offendedG she was cacuat) I Fust can?t stand it never bein! said.?
in! the time eft to the end of the interview. She did ?4an?t *ou see that it is simp* outside m* compe)
not answer. tenceH If it is true$ that isH 6o *ou want me to !ive *ou
1arriet said$ knowin! it was no use$ but because she a etter to the -oo$ LPut this chid in a ca!eLH 7r hand
wanted it said$ heard; ?1e?s not human$ is heH? him over to scienceH?
10B 102
?7h %od$? said 1arriet. ?8o$ of course not.?
:hat 4hristmas$ .uke wrote to sa* he wanted to !o
Sience.
to his !randparents$ who were somewhere off the coast
?:hank *ou$ 6r %i*$? said 1arriet$ endin! the inter)
of southern SpainG and 1een went to %randmother
view in the re!uar wa*. She stood up. ?3oud *ou be
,o*?s house in 7<ford.
prepared to !ive me a prescription for a rea* stron!
6oroth* came for 4hristmas$ Fust three da*s. She
sedativeH :here are times when I can?t contro Ben$
took >ane back with her; >ane adored the itte mon!o
and I have to have somethin! to hep me.?
chid (m*.
:he doctor wrote. 1arriet took the bit of paper. She
Ben spent a his time with >ohn. 1arriet and 6avid
thanked 6r %i*. She said !oodb*e. She went to the
) when he was there$ but he worked more and more )
door$ and !anced back. 7n the doctor?s face she saw
were with Pau throu!h the 4hristmas hoida*s. Pau
what she e<pected; a dark fi<ed stare that refected
was even more difficut than Ben. But he was a norma
what the woman was feein!$ which was horror at the
?disturbed? chid$ not an aien.
aien$ reFection b* the norma for what was outside the
Pau spent hours watchin! teevision. 1e escaped
human imit. 1orror of 1arriet$ who had !iven birth to
into it$ watchin! restess*$ movin! about as he
Ben.
watched$ and ate$ and ate ) but never put on wei!ht.
She found Ben aone in the itte room$ backed into
Inside him seemed to be an unappeasabe mouth that
a corner$ !arin!$ unbinkin!$ at the door she came in
said$ +eed me$ feed me. 1e craved$ ever* bit of him )
b*. 1e was trembin!. Peope in white uniforms$ white
for whatH 1is mother?s arms did not satisf* him. 3ars
coats$ in rooms that smeed of chemicas ... 1arriet
and riotsG kiin!s and hiFackin!sG murders and thefts
reai-ed that without meanin! it$ she had reinforced
and kidnappin!s . . . the ei!hties$ the barbarous
her threats. If *ou behave bad*$ then ...
ei!hties were !ettin! into their stride and Pau a*
1e was subdued. 1e kept cose to herG no$ not ike a
sprawed in front of the set$ or wandered about the
chid with its mother$ but ike a fri!htened do!.
room$ eatin! and watchin! ) bein! nourished. So it
"ver* mornin! now$ she !ave Ben a dose of the
seemed.
sedative$ which$ however$ did not have much effect on
:he patterns for the fami* had been set; and so the
him. But she hoped it woud keep him damped down
future woud be.
unti schoo ended and he coud roar off with >ohn on
.uke awa*s went for his schoo hoida*s to %rand)
the motorbike.
father >ames$ with whom he ?!ot on? so we. 1e iked
:hen it was the end of Ben?s first *ear at schoo. :his
his %randmother >essica$ who was !reat fun$ he said.
meant that the* coud a !o on$ pretendin! that not
1is (unt 6eborah was fun$ too; her attempts and
much was wron!$ he was Fust a ?difficut? chid. 1e
faiures at matrimon* were a on!)runnin! seria stor*$
wasn?t earnin! an*thin!$ but then pent* of chidren
presented comica*. .uke was ivin! with the rich$
did not; the* put in time at schoo$ and that was a.
and thrivin!G and sometimes >ames brou!ht him home
10/
109
to visit his parents$ for the kind* man was unhapp* at
what went on in that misfortuned house$ and knew
that 1arriet and 6avid *earned for their edest. :he*
did visit him at his schoo for Sports 6a*sG and .uke
sometimes came home for haf)terms.
1een was happ* at ,o*?s house. She ived in the
room her father had once made his rea home. She was
od +rederick?s favourite. She$ too$ sometimes came for a
haf)term.
>ane had prevaied on 6oroth* to come and reason
with 1arriet and 6avid$ for she wanted to ive with
6oroth* and (unt Sarah and the three heath* cousins
and poor (m*. (nd so she did. 6oroth* brou!ht >ane
home sometimes$ and the parents coud see that 6oro)
th* had ?taked? to >ane to make her kind to them$ and
never$ not ever$ critici-e Ben.
Pau remained at home; he was there much more
than Ben.
6avid said to 1arriet$ ?3hat are we !oin! to do with
PauH?
?3hat can we doH?
?1e needs treatment of some kind. ( ps*chiatrist ..
?3hat !ood is that !oin! to doI?
?1e?s not earnin! an*thin!$ he?s a rea mess. 1e?s
worse than BenI (t east Ben is what he is$ whatever
that ma* be$ and I don?t think I want to know. But
Pau.. .?
?(nd how are we !oin! to pa* for itH?
?I wi.?
6avid now added a part)time Fob teachin! at a
po*technic to his aread* heav* oad of work$ and was
hard* ever at home. If he did come home durin! the
1C'
week$ it was ate at ni!ht$ and he fe into bed and
sept$ e<hausted.
Pau was sent to ?tak to someone?$ as the phrase
!oes.
1e went near* ever* afternoon after schoo. :his
was a success. :he ps*chiatrist was a man of fort*$
with a fami* and a peasant house. Pau sta*ed there
for supper$ and even went over to pa* with the
chidren when he did not actua* have an appoint)
ment to tak with the doctor.
Sometimes 1arriet was aone in that !reat. house a
da*$ unti Pau came home at about seven to watch the
teevision ) and Ben$ too$ thou!h his teevision)watch)
in! was different. 1is attention was hed b* the screen
unpredictab*$ and accordin! to no pattern 1arriet
coud see$ usua* on* for a minute or two.
:he two bo*s hated each other.
7nce$ 1arriet found Pau in a corner of the kitchen$
stretched up on tiptoes$ tr*in! to evade Ben?s hands$
which were reachin! up to his throat. Short powerfu$
Ben; :a spider* Pau ) if Ben wanted to$ he coud ki
Pau. 1arriet thou!ht that Ben was tr*in! to
fri!hten
Pau$ but Pau was h*sterica. Ben !rinned vindic)
tive*$ fu of triumph.
?Ben$? said 1arriet. ?Ben ) do(n)' (s if to a
do!$
warnin! it. 'Do(n, Ben$ do(n)'
1e turned sharp*$ saw her$ dropped his hands. She
put into her e*es the threat she had aread* used$ her
power over him; his memories of the past.
1e bared his teeth and snared.
Pau screamed$ his terror burstin! out of him. 1e
raced up the stairs$ sippin! and fain!$ to !et awa*
from the horror that was Ben.
1C1
?If *ou ever do that a!ain ...? threatened 1arriet. Ben
Ben insisted$ ?But wh* can?t I come with *ouH?
went sow* to the bi! tabe and sat down. 1e was ?Because I? be at schoo$ too. 8ot here. I? be far
thinkin!$ so she beieved. '1f $ou ever do that a!ain$ awa*. +ar$ far awa*.?
Ben ) . .? 1e raised his e*es and ooked at her. 1e was Ben stiffened. 1e assumed his ri!id crouchin! pose$
cacuatin!$ she coud see. But whatH :hose cod$
i fsts hed out. 1e !round his teeth to!ether$ his e*es
inhuman e*es ... 3hat did he seeH Peope assumed he
maevoent.
saw what the* did$ that he saw a human word. But
?Ben$? said 1arriet$ usin! her specia voice. ?Ben$ stop
perhaps his senses accommodated 5uite different facts$
it.
data. 1ow coud an*one knowH 3hat was he thinkin!H
?4ome on now$ 1obbit$? said >ohn$ uneas* but kind.
1ow did he see himsefH
?I can?t hep it. I?ve !ot to !et awa* from home some
?Poor Ben$? he woud sometimes sti sa*. time$ haven?t I:
1arriet did not te 6avid about this incident. She ?Is Barr* !oin!H Is Rowand !oin!H Is 1enr*H?
knew he was at the ed!e of what he coud stand. (nd ?@es$ a four of us.?
what was she !oin! to sa*H ?Ben tried to ki Pau Sudden*$ Ben rushed out into the !arden$ where he
toda*I? :his was a on! wa* be*ond what the* had set
be!an kickin! at a tree trunk$ ettin! out s5ueas of
for themseves$ outside the permissibe. Besides$ she
ra!e.
did not beieve Ben was tr*in! to ki Pau; he was
?Better the tree than me$? said >ohn.
demonstratin! what he coud do if he wanted to.
?7r me$? said 1arriet.
She tod Pau that Ben was absoute* not tr*in! to
?I?m sorr*$? said >ohn. ?But there it is.?
hurt him$ on* to fri!hten him. She thou!ht Pau
?I cannot ima!ine what we woud have done without
beieved her. *ou$? said 1arriet.
:wo *ears before Ben was due to eave the schoo
1e nodded$ knowin! it was true. (nd so >ohn eft
where he earned nothin!$ but at east had not harmed
their ives$ for !ood. Ben had been with him amost
an*one$ >ohn came to sa* he was departin! from their ever* da* of his ife since he was rescued from the
ives. 1e had been !ranted a pace in a Fob)trainin! Institution.
scheme in ,anchester. 1e$ and three of his mates.
Ben took it hard. (t first$ he did not beieve it. 3hen
Ben was there$ istenin!. 1e had been tod b* >ohn
1arriet arrived to fetch him and$ sometimes$ Pau from
aread*$ in Bett*?s 4aff. But he had not taken it in. >ohn schoo$ he woud be at the schoo !ates$ starin! down
had come up on purpose to sa* this to 1arriet$ with the road where >ohn had appeared !orious* on his
Ben present$ so that Ben coud accept it. motorbike. Reuctant* he went home with her$ sittin!
?3h* can?t I come$ tooH? demanded Ben. in the corner of the back seat opposite from Pau$ if
?Because *ou can?t$ mate. But when I come and visit Pau was not at the ps*chiatrist?s$ and his e*es
m* mother and father$ I? come and see *ou.? searched the streets for si!ns of his ost friends. ,ore
1C0
1CC
than once$ when he was not an*where in the house$
1arriet found him in Bett*?s 4aff$ sittin! isoated at a
tabe$ his e*es on the door$ where the* mi!ht appear.
In the street one mornin!$ a minor member of >ohn?s
!an! was standin! outside a shop)window$ and Ben$
crowin! with peasure$ rushed to him; but the *outh
said casua*$ ?1i$ it?s 6umbo. 1eo$ 6ope*$? and
turned awa*. Ben stood transfi<ed with disbeief$ his
mouth open$ as if he had received a bow across it. It
took him a on! time to understand. (s soon as he !ot
home with 1arriet and Pau$ he woud be off a!ain$
runnin! into the centre of the town. She did not foow
him. 1e woud come backI 1e had nowhere eseG and
she was awa*s peased to have Pau aone with her )
if Pau was there.
7nce$ Ben came thumpin! into the house$ with his
heav* run$ and dived under the bi! tabe. ( poice)
woman appeared and said to 1arriet$ ?3here?s that
chidH Is he a ri!htH?
?1e?s under the tabe$? said 1arriet.
?Ander the ... but what forH I on* wanted to make
sure he wasn?t ost. 1ow od is heH?
?7der than he ooks$? said 1arriet. ?4ome out$ Ben$
it?s a ri!ht.?
1e woud not come out; he was on a fours$ facin!
where the poicewoman stood$ watchin! her neat shin*
back shoes. 1e was rememberin! how once someone
in a car had captured him and taken him awa*;
uniforms$ the aroma of officiadom.
?3e$? said the poicewoman. ?(n*one?d think I was a
chid)snatcherI I shoudn?t et him !o runnin! around
ike that. 1e mi!ht !et himsef kidnapped.?
1C#
?8o such uck$? said 1arriet$ ever* inch the Fo*
copin! mum. ?,ore ike* he?d kidnap them.?
?It?s ike that$ is itH?
(nd the poicewoman departed$ au!hin!.
6avid and 1arriet a* side b* side in the connubia
bed$ i!hts out$ the house sti. :wo rooms down$ Ben
sept ) the* hoped. +our rooms down$ at the end of the
passa!e$ Pau sept behind a sef)ocked door. It was
ate$ and 1arriet knew 6avid woud be aseep in a
minute or two. :he* a* with a space between them.
But it was no on!er a space fu of an!er. 1arriet knew
that he was too permanent* e<hausted to be an!r*.
(n*wa*$ he had decided not to be an!r*; it was kiin!
him. She awa*s knew what he was thinkin!; he often
answered$ aoud$ to her thou!hts.
:he* sometimes made ove$ but she fet$ and knew he
did$ that the !hosts of *oun! 1arriet and *oun!
6avid entwined and kissed.
It was as if the strain of her ife had stripped off her
a a*er of fesh ) not rea fesh$ but perhaps metaph*s)
ica substance$ and invisibe$ unsuspected$ unti it had
!one. (nd 6avid$ workin! as he did$ had ost the sef
that was the fami* man. 1is efforts had made him
successfu in his firm$ then !ained him a much better
Fob in another. But that now was where his centre was;
events have their own o!ic. 1e was now the sort of
man he had once decided never to be. >ames no on!er
supported this fami*G he on* paid for .uke. :he
candour$ the openness that had come from 6avid?s
stubborn trust in himsef had been overaid b* his new
sef)confidence. 1arriet knew that if she were to meet
6avid now$ for the first time$ she woud think him
hard. But he was not hard. :he rock she fet there in
1C&
him was endurance. 1e knew how to stick thin!s out. ?1ow do we knowH I?ve never known what he?s
:he* were sti aike. thinkin!.?
:omorrow$ which was a Saturda*$ 6avid was !oin! ?Perhaps he thinks there?s more of his kind
to a cricket match at .uke?s schoo. 1arriet was visitin! somewhere.?
1een at her schoo; 1een was in a pa*. 6oroth* was ?Perhaps he does.?
comin! in the mornin! to et the two escape for the ?Provided it?s not a femae of the speciesI?
weekend. >ane woud not be with her$ but at a part* at ?Ben makes *ou think ) a those different peope
a schoo friend?s house she did not want to miss. who ived on the earth once ) the* must be in us
Pau was !oin! with his father to visit his brother. somewhere.?
Ben woud be aone with 6oroth*$ who had not seen ?( read* to pop upI But perhaps we simp* don?t
him for a *ear. notice them when the* do$? said 6oroth*.
1arriet was not surprised when 6avid said$ ?6o *ou ?Because we don?t want to$? said 1arriet.
think 6oroth* understands how much oder Ben is ?I certain* don?t want to$? said 6oroth*. ?8ot after
than he ooksH? seein! Ben ... 1arriet$ do *ou and 6avid reai-e that
?Shoud we warn herH? Ben isn?t a chid an* on!erH 3e treat him ike one$
?But she understands ever*thin!$ after about five but...?
minutes.?
:hose two *ears before Ben coud !o to the bi!
( sience. 1arriet knew 6avid was near* aseep. 1e schoo were bad for him. 1e was one*$ but did he
roused himsef to sa*$ ?1arriet$ has it occurred to *ou know he wasH 1arriet was ver* one*$ and knew she
that in a coupe of *ears? time Ben wi be adoescentH was...
1e? be a se<ua bein!H? .ike Pau$ when he was there$ Ben now went at once
?@es$ it has. But he?s not on the same cock as we to the teevision when he came in from schoo. 1e
are.? sometimes watched from four in the afternoon unti
?Presumab* those peope of his had somethin! ike nine or ten at ni!ht. 1e did not seem to ike one
an adoescenceH? pro!ramme more than another. 1e did not understand
?1ow do we knowH Perhaps the* weren?t as se<ua that some pro!rammes were for chidren$ and others
as we are. Someone said we?re overse<ed ) whoH @es$ for !rown)ups.
it was Bernard Shaw.? ?3hat was the stor* of that fim$ BenH?
?( the same$ the thou!ht of Ben se<ua scares me.? ?Stor*.? 1e tried the word$ his thick cums* voice
?1e hasn?t hurt an*one for a on! time.? tentative. (nd his e*es were on her face$ to discover
(fter that weekend 6oroth* said to 1arriet$ ?I what she wanted.
wonder if Ben ever asks himsef wh* he is so different ?3hat happened in that fim$ the one *ou?ve Fust
from us.?
seenH?
1CB 1C2
?Bi! cars$? he woud sa*. ?( motorbike. :hat !ir 1e oved musicas; The Sound of Music, 3est Side
cr*in!. 4ar chased the man.?
Stor$, #klahoma3, 4ats.
7nce$ to see if Ben coud earn from Pau$ she said ?(nd now she is !oin! to sin!$? Ben tod her when
to Pau$ ?3hat was the stor* of that fimH? she asked ?3hat is happenin! now$ BenH?
?It was about bank robbers$ wasn?t itH? said Pau$ fu
7r$ ?:he* are !oin! to dance around$ and then she
of scorn for stupid Ben$ who was istenin!$ his e*es
wi sin!.? 7r$ ?:he* are !oin! to hurt that !ir.? ?:he
movin! from his mother?s face to his brother?s. ?:he*
!ir ran awa*. 8ow it is a part*.?
panned to rob the bank b* tunnein!. :he* near*
But he coud not te her the stor* of the fim.
reached the vaut$ but the poice cau!ht them in a trap.
?Sin! me that tune$ Ben. Sin! it to me and Pau.
:he* went to prison$ but most of them escaped. :wo But he coud not. 1e oved the tune$ but coud brin!
of them were shot b* the poice.? out on* a rou!h$ tuneess roar.
Ben had istened carefu*. 1arriet found Pau teasin! Ben; askin! him to sin! a
?:e me the stor* of the fim$ BenH? tune$ then tauntin! him. 1arriet saw fur* ba-e in
?Bank robbers$? said Ben. (nd repeated what Pau Ben?s e*es$ and tod Pau not to do that ever a!ain.
had said$ stumbin! as he reached for e<act* the same ?3h* not:' cried Pau. ?3h* notH It?s awa*s Ben$
words.
Ben$ Ben ...? 1e faied his arms at Ben. Ben?s e*es
?But that was on* because I tod him$? said Pau. !ittered. 1e was about to sprin! on Pau ...
Ben?s e*es fared$ but went cod as he tod himsef ) 'Ben,' warned 1arriet.
1arriet presumed ) ?I mustn?t hurt an*one. If I do$ It seemed to her that these efforts she made to
the*? take me to that pace.? 1arriet knew ever*thin! humani-e him drove him awa* into himsef$ where he
Pau was thinkin!$ feein!. But Ben ) she had to tr* to
. . . but (hat: / rememberedH ) dreamed ofH ) his own
!uess.
kind.
4oud Pau perhaps teach Ben$ without either of 7nce$ when she knew he was in the house$ but coud
them knowin! itH
not find him$ she went up from foor to foor ookin!
She woud read a stor* to them both$ and ask Pau to
into the rooms. :he first foor$ which was sti inhab)
repeat the stor*. :hen Ben copied Pau. But inside a ited$ with 6avid and hersef$ Ben and Pau$ thou!h
few minutes he had for!otten it.
three of the rooms were empt*$ their beds standin!
She pa*ed !ames ike snakes)and)adders and udo
read*$ spread with fresh piows and aundered duvets.
with Pau$ Ben watchin!G and then$ when Pau was
:he second foor$ with its cean empt* rooms. :he
with his other fami*$ she invited Ben to tr*. But he
third foor; how on! since chidren?s voices$ their
coud not !et the han! of the !ames. au!hter$ fied that foor and spied out of the open
@et certain fims he woud watch over and over windows a over the !ardenH But Ben was not in an*
a!ain and never tire of them. :he* had hired a video.
of those rooms. She went on 5uiet* up to the attic.
1C/ 1C9
:he door was open. +rom the hi!h sk*i!ht fe a
distorted rectan!e of i!ht$ and in it stood Ben$ starin!
up at dim suni!ht. She coud not make out what he
wanted$ what he fet ... 1e heard her and then she
saw the Ben that this ife he had to ead kept subdued;
in one eap he had reached the dark at the ed!es of the
eaves and vanished. ( she coud see was the obscur)
ities of an attic that seemed boundess. She coud hear
nothin!. 1e was crouchin! there$ starin! out at her ...
She fet the hair on her head ift$ fet cod chis )
instinctive$ for she did not fear him with her mind.
She was ri!id with terror.
?Ben$? she said soft*$ thou!h her voice shook. ?Ben
. . .? puttin! into the word her human caim on him$
and on this wid dan!erous attic where he had !one
back into a far)awa* past that did not know human
bein!s.
8o rep*. 8othin!. ( botch of shadow momentari*
dimmed the thin dirt* i!ht under the sk*i!ht; a bird
had passed$ on its wa* from one tree to another.
She went downstairs$ and sat cod and one* in the
kitchen$ drinkin! hot tea.
>ust before Ben went to the oca secondar* modern
schoo$ the on* schoo of course that woud have him$
there was a summer hoida*$ amost ike those in the
past. Peope had written each other$ had run!; ?:hose
poor peope$ et?s !o there$ at east for a week. . .? Poor
6avid . . . awa*s that$ 1arriet knew. Sometimes$
rare*$ poor 1arriet ... ,ore often$ irresponsibe 1ar)
riet$ sefish 1arriet$ cra-* 1arriet ...
&ho had not let Ben be murdered, she
defended
hersef fierce*$ in thou!ht$ never aoud. B* ever*thin!
the* ) the societ* she beon!ed to ) stood for$ beieved
1#'
in$ she had had no aternative but to brin! Ben back
from that pace. But because she had$ and saved him
from murder$ she had destro*ed her fami*. 1ad
harmed her ife ... 6avid?s ... .uke?s$ 1een?s$ >ane?s . . .
and Pau?s. Pau$ the worst.
1er thou!hts circed in this !roove.
6avid kept sa*in! she shoud simp* not have !one
up there ... but how coud she not have !one$ bein!
1arrietH (nd if she had not$ she beieved 6avid woud
have.
( scape!oat. She was the scape!oat ) 1arriet$ the
destro*er of her fami*.
But another a*er of thou!hts$ or feein!s$ ran deeper.
She said to 6avid$ ?3e are bein! punished$ that?s a.?
?3hat forH? he demanded$ aread* on !uard because
there was a tone in her voice he hated.
?+or presumin!. +or thinkin! we coud be
happ*.
1app* because (e decided we woud be.?
?Rubbish$? he said. (n!r*; this 1arriet made him
an!r*. ?It was chance. (n*one coud have !ot Ben. It
was a chance !ene$ that?s a.?
?I don?t think so$? she stubborn* hed on. ?3e were
!oin! to be happ*I 8o one ese is$ or I never seem to
meet them$ but we were !oin! to be. (nd so down
came the thunderbot.?
?Stop it$ 1arrietI 6on?t *ou know where that thou!ht
eadsH Po!roms and punishments$ witch)burnin!s and
an!r* !ods ) I? 1e was shoutin! at her.
?(nd scape!oats$? said 1arriet. ?6on?t for!et the
scape!oats.?
?9indictive !ods$ from thousands of *ears a!o$? he
hot* contended$ disturbed to his depths$ she coud
1#1
see. ?Punishin! !ods$ distributin! punishments for
insubordination ...?
?But who were we to decide we were !oin! to be this
or thatH?
?3hoH 3e did. 1arriet and 6avid. &e took the
responsibiit* for what we beieved in$ and we did it.
:hen ) bad uck. :hat?s a. 3e coud easi* have
succeeded. 3e coud have had Fust what we panned.
"i!ht chidren in this house and ever*one happ* ...
3e$ as far as possibe.?
?(nd who paid for itH >ames. (nd 6oroth*$ in a
different wa* ... 8o$ I?m Fust statin! facts$ 6avid$ not
critici-in! $ou)'
But this had on! a!o ceased to be a sore point with
6avid. 1e said; ?>ames and >essica have so much mone*
the* woudn?t have missed three times as much.
(n*wa*$ the* adored doin! it. (nd 6oroth* ) she
compained about bein! used$ but she?s been (m*?s
nursemaid ever since she !ot fed up with us.?
?3e Fust wanted to be better than ever*one ese$
that?s a. 3e thou!ht we were.?
?8o$ that?s how *ou are twistin! it around now. (
we wanted was ) to be ourseves.?
?7h$ that?s a$? said 1arriet airi*$ spitefu*. ?:hat?s
a.?
?@es. 6on?t do it$ 1arriet$ stop it . . . 3e$ if *ou
won?t$ if *ou have to$ then eave me out. I?m not !oin!
to be dra!!ed back to the ,idde (!es.?
?Is that where we?ve been dra!!ed back toH?
,o* and +rederick came$ brin!in! 1een. :he* had
not$ woud not$ for!ive 1arriet$ but 1een must be
considered. She was doin! we at schoo$ an attractive$
sef)sufficient !ir of si<teen. But coo$ distant.
1#0
>ames brou!ht .uke$ ei!hteen *ears od$ a handsome
bo*$ 5uiet$ reiabe and stead*. 1e was !oin! to buid
boats$ ike his !randfather. 1e was a watcher$ an
observer$ ike his father.
6oroth* came with >ane$ fourteen. 8on)academic$
but ?none the worse for that?$ as 6oroth* insisted. ?I
coud never pass an e<am.? :he ?and ook at me? was
unspokenG but 6oroth* woud chaen!e them a
simp* b* her presence. 3hich was ess substantia
than it had been. She was rather thin these da*s$ and
sat about a !ood dea. Pau$ eeven *ears od$ was
histrionic$ h*sterica$ awa*s demandin! attention. 1e
taked a ot about his new schoo$ a da*)schoo$ which
he hated. 1e wanted to know wh* he coudn?t !o to
boardin!)schoo ike a the others. 6avid said$ fore)
stain! >ames with a proud ook$ that he woud pa* for
it.
?Sure* it is time *ou sod this house$? ,o* said$
and what she was sa*in! to her sefish dau!hter)in)aw
was?(nd then m* son can stop kiin! himsef workin!
too hard for *ou.?
6avid came in 5uick* to support 1arriet$ ?I a!ree
with 1arriet$ we shoudn?t se the house *et.?
?3e$ what do *ou think is !oin! to chan!eH? asked
,o*$ cod. ?Ben certain* isn?t.?
But private* 6avid said somethin! ese. 1e woud
ike the house sod.
?It?s bein! with Ben in a sma house$ Fust the thou!ht
of it$? said 1arriet.
?It woudn?t have to be a sma house. But does it
have to be the si-e of a hoteH?
6avid knew that even now$ thou!h it was fooish$
1#C
i.
she coud not fina* !ive up her dreams of the od ife
the hopeess$ who move up the schoo from cass to
comin! back. cass$ waitin! for the happ* moment when the* can
:hen that hoida* was !one. ( success$ on the eave. (nd$ more often than not$ the* are truants$ to
whoe$ for ever*one tried hard. "<cept for ,o* ) so the reief of their teachers. Ben had at once become
1arriet saw it. But it was sad for both parents. :he* one of these.
had to sit istenin! to tak about peope the* had not Some weeks after he went to the bi! schoo$ he
met$ on* heard of. .uke and 1een visited famiies of
brou!ht home a ar!e$ sha!!* dark *outh$ fu of eas*
schoo friends. (nd these peope coud never be asked
!ood nature. 1arriet thou!ht$ >ohnI (nd then$ But he
here. must be >ohn?s brotherI 8oG Ben had been drawn to
In September of the *ear Ben became eeven$ he
this bo*$ it was cear$ first of a because of his memor)
went to the bi! schoo. It was 19/B. ies of that happ* time with >ohn. But his name was
1arriet prepared hersef for the teephone ca that 6erek$ and he was fifteen$ soon to eave schoo. 3h*
must come from the headmaster. It woud be$ she
did he put up with Ben$ *ears *oun!er than he wasH
thou!ht$ towards the end of the first term. :he new 1arriet watched the two as the* heped themseves to
schoo woud have been sent a report on Ben$ from the food from the refri!erator$ made themseves tea$ sat in
headmistress who had so consistent* refused to front of the teevision$ takin! more than the* watched.
acknowed!e that there was an*thin! remarkabe about In fact$ Ben seemed oder than 6erek. :he* i!nored
him. ?Ben .ovatt is not an academic chid$ but . . .? But her. >ust as when Ben was the mascot$ the pet of the
whatH ?1e tries hard.? 3oud that have been itH But he !an! of *ouths$ >ohn?s !an!$ and had seemed to see
had on! a!o stopped tr*in! to understand what he on* >ohn$ now his attention was for 6erek. (nd$ soon$
was tau!ht$ coud hard* read or write$ more than his for Bi*$ for "vis$ and for 9ic$ who came in a !an!
name. 1e sti tried to fit in$ to cop* others. after schoo and sat around and fed themseves from
:here was no teephone ca$ no etter. Ben$ whom the refri!erator.
she e<amined for bruises ever* evenin! when he came 3h* did these bi! bo*s ike BenH
home$ seemed to have entered the tou!h and often
She woud ook at them$ from the stairs perhaps$ as
bruta word of the secondar* schoo without she came down into the ivin!)room$ a !roup of *ouths$
difficut*. ar!e$ or thin$ or pump$ dark$ fair$ or redheaded ) and
?6o *ou ike this schoo$ BenH? amon! them Ben$ s5uat$ powerfu$ heav*)shoudered$
?@es.?
with his brist* *eow hair !rowin! in that stran!e
?Better than the other schooH? pattern$ with his watchfu$ aien e*es
) and she
?@es.?
thou!ht$ But he?s not rea* *oun!er than the* areI 1e?s
(s ever*one knows$ a these schoos have a a*er$ much shorter$ *es. But it amost seems that he domi)
ike a sediment$ of the uneducabe$ the unassimiabe$ nates them. 3hen the* sat around the bi! fami* tabe$
1## 1#&
takin! in their st*e$ which was oud$ raucous$ Feerin!$
bood* fare of the evenin!. Shootin!s and kiin!s and
Foke*$ the* were awa*s ookin! at Ben. @et he spoke
tortures and fi!htin!; this is what fed them. She
ver* itte. 3hen he did sa* somethin!$ it was never
watched them watchin! ) but it was more as if the*
much more than @es$ or 8o. :ake thisI %et thatI %ive
were actua* part of the stories on the screen. :he*
me ) whatever it was$ a sandwich$ a botte of 4oke. were unconscious* tensin! and fe<in!$ faces !rin)
(nd he watched them carefu* a the time. 1e was nin!$ or triumphant or crueG and the* et out !roans or
the boss of this !an!$ whether the* knew it or not. si!hs or *es of e<citement; ?:hat?s it$ do itI? ?4arve
:he* were a bunch of !an!*$ spott*$ uncertain
him upI? ?Ei him$ sice himI? (nd the moans of
adoescentsG he was a *oun! adut. She had to concude e<cited participation as the buets poured into a bod*$
this fina*$ thou!h for a whie she beieved that these
as bood spurted$ as the tortured victim screamed.
poor chidren$ who sta*ed to!ether because the* were
:hese da*s the oca newspapers were fu of news
found stupid$ awkward$ and unabe to match up to
of mu!!in!s$ hod)ups$ break)ins. Sometimes this !an!$
their contemporaries$ iked Ben because he was even
Ben amon! them$ did not come into the .ovatts? house
cumsier and more inarticuate than the*. 8oI She
for a whoe da*$ two da*s$ three.
discovered that ?Ben .ovatt?s !an!? was the most
?3here have *ou been$ BenH?
envied in the schoo$ and a ot of bo*s$ not on* the 1e repied indifferent*$ ?Been with m* friends.?
truants and drop)outs$ wanted to be part of it. ?@es$ but whereH?
1arriet watched Ben with his foowers and tried to ?Been around.?
ima!ine him amon! a !roup of his own kind$ s5uattin! In the park$ in a cafe$ in the cinema$ and$ when the*
in the mouth of a cave around roarin! fames. 7r a
coud borrow (or steaH) motorbikes$ off to some seaside
settement of huts in a thick forestH 8o$ Ben?s peope
town.
were at home under the earth$ she was sure$ deep
She thou!ht of rin!in! the headmaster$ but then;
under!round in back caverns it b* torches ) that was
3hat is the pointH If I were in his pace$ I?d be reieved
more ike it. Probab* those pecuiar e*es of his were
the* took themseves off.
adapted for 5uite different conditions of i!ht.
:he poiceH Ben in the hands of the poiceH
She often sat in the kitchen$ b* hersef$ when the*
:he !an! awa*s seemed to have pent* of mone*.
were across the ow wa in the ivin!)room$ watchin!
,ore than once$ dissatisfied with what the* found in
the bo<. :he* mi!ht spraw there for hours$ a after)
the refri!erator$ the* brou!ht in feasts of food$ and ate
noon and evenin!. :he* made tea$ raided the refri!er)
a evenin!. 6erek (never BenI) woud offer her some.
ator$ went out to fetch pies$ or chips$ or pi--as. :he*
?.ike a bit of take)awa*$ oveH?
did not seem to mind what the* watchedG the* iked (nd she accepted$ but sat apart from them$ for she
the afternoon soap operas$ did not turn off the chi) knew the* woud not want her too cose.
dren?s pro!rammesG but best of a the* enFo*ed the :here were rapes$ too$ amon! those news items ...
1#B
1#2

She e<amined those faces$ tr*in! to match them with ?I do mind$? she said.
what she had read. 7rdinar* *oun! men?s facesG the* ?It?s a bi! house$? said Bi* the out$ the one she was
a seemed oder than fifteen$ si<teen. 6erek had a most afraid of. 1e did not ook at her$ but crammed
fooish ook to him; at u!* moments on the screen he food into his mouth$ and made a noise eatin!.
au!hed a ot in a weak e<citabe wa*. "vis was a ean$ ?It?s not *our house$? said 1arriet.
sharp bond *outh$ ver* poite$ but a nast* customer$ ?7ne da* we? take it awa* from *ou$? said "vis$
she thou!ht$ with e*es as cod as Ben?s. Bi* was a au!hin! oud*.
huk$ stupid$ with a!!ression in ever* movement. 1e ?7h$ perhaps *ou wi$ *es.?
woud !et so ost in the vioence on the bo< that he :he* a made ?revoutionar*? remarks ike this$
woud Fump to his feet and seem amost to disappear when the* remembered.
into the screen ) and then the others Feered at him$ and ?4ome the revoution$ we? . . .? ?3e? ki a the
he came to himsef and sat down. 1e scared her. :he* rich shits and then . . .? ?:here?s one aw for the rich$
a did. But$ she thou!ht$ the* weren?t a that intei) and one for the poor$ ever*bod* knows that.? :he*
!ent. Perhaps "vis was ... If the* were steain! (or woud sa* these thin!s amiab*$ with that air of repe)
worse)$ then who panned it a$ and ooked after themH tion peope use when cop*in! what others doG when
BenH ?1e does not know his own stren!th.? :hat the* are part of a popuar mood or movement.
formua had !one with him throu!h schoo. 1ow did 6avid came back from work ate$ these da*s$ and
he contro the ra!es that she knew coud overcome sometimes did not come at a. 1e sta*ed with one of
himH She was awa*s covert* on the watch for cuts$ the peope he worked with. It happened that he arrived
bruises$ wounds. ( had them$ but nothin! ver* bad. ear* one ni!ht and found the !an!$ nine or ten of
7ne mornin!$ she came down the stairs to find Ben them$ watchin! teevision$ with beer cans$ cartons of
eatin! breakfast with 6erek. :hat time she said take)awa* 4hinese$ papers that had hed fish and
nothin!$ but knew she coud e<pect more. Soon she chips$ a over the foor.
found si< of them at breakfast; she had heard them$ 1e said$ ?4ear that mess up.?
ver* ate$ creep upstairs and find beds for themseves. :he* sow* !ot to their feet and ceared it up. 1e
She stood b* the tabe$ ooked at them brave*$ read* was a man; the man of the house. Ben ceared up with
to face them out$ and said$ ?@ou aren?t Fust to seep them.
here$ an* time *ou fee ike it.? :he* kept their heads ?:hat?s enou!h$? said 6avid. ?(nd now !o home$ a
down and went on eatin!. of *ou.?
?I mean it$? she insisted. :he* traied off$ and Ben went with them. 8either
6erek$ said$ au!hin!$ intendin! to sound insoent$ 1arriet nor 6avid said an*thin! to stop him.
?7h$ sorr*$ sorr*$ sorr* I?m sure. But we thou!ht *ou :he* had not been aone to!ether for some time.
woudn?t mind.? 3eeks$ she thou!ht. 1e wanted to sa* somethin!$ but
1#/ 1#9
was afraid to ) afraid of arousin! that dan!erous an!er
of hisH
?4an?t *ou see what is !oin! to happenH? he fina*
asked$ sittin! down with a pate of whatever he coud i f
nd in the refri!erator.
?@ou mean$ the* are !oin! to be here more oftenH?
?@es$ that?s what I mean. 4an?t *ou see we shoud
se this paceH?
?@es$ I know we shoud$? she said 5uiet*$ but he
mistook her tone.
?+or %od?s sake$ 1arriet$ what can *ou be waitin!
forH It?s cra-* . . .?
?:he on* thin! I can think of now is that the
chidren mi!ht be peased we kept it.?
?3e have no chidren$ 1arriet. 7r$ rather$ I have no
chidren. 5ou have one chid.?
She fet that he woud not be sa*in! this if he were
here more often. She said$ ?:here is somethin! *ou
aren?t seein!$ 6avid.?
?(nd what?s thatH?
?Ben wi eave. :he*? a be off$ and Ben wi !o
with them.?
1e considered thisG considered her$ his Faws movin!
sow* as he ate. 1e ooked ver* tired. 1e was aso
ookin! much oder than he was$ coud easi* be taken
as si<t*$ rather than fift*. 1e was a !re*$ rather stooped$
shadow* man$ with a strained ook$ and a war* !ance
that e<pected troube. :his was what he was directin!
at her now.
?3h*H :he* can come here an* time the* ike$ do
what the* ike$ hep themseves to food.?
?It?s not e<citin! enou!h for them$ that?s wh*. I think
1&'
the*? Fust drift off one da* to .ondon$ or some bi!
town. :he* went off for five da*s ast week.?
?(nd Ben wi !o with themH?
?Ben wi !o with them.?
?(nd *ou won?t !o after him and brin! him backH?
She did not rep*. :his was unfair$ and he must
know itG after a moment or two$ he said$ ?Sorr*. I?m so
tired I don?t know whether I?m comin! or !oin!.?
?3hen he?s !one$ perhaps we coud !o and have a
hoida* to!ether somewhere.?
?3e$ perhaps we coud.? :his sounded as if he
mi!ht even beieve it$ hope for it.
.ater the* a* side b* side$ not touchin!$ and taked
practica* about arran!ements for visitin! >ane at her
schoo. (nd there was Pau$ at his$ with a Parents?
9isitin! 6a*.
:he* were aone in the bi! room where a the
chidren but Ben had been born. (bove them the
emptiness of the upper foors$ and the attic. 6own)
stairs$ the empt* ivin!)room and kitchen. :he* had
ocked the doors. If Ben decided to come home that
ni!ht$ he woud have to rin!.
She said$ ?3ith Ben !one$ we coud se this and bu*
some sensibe house somewhere. Perhaps the chidren
woud enFo* comin! to visit if he wasn?t there.?
8o rep*; 6avid was aseep.
Soon after that$ Ben and the others went off a!ain for
some da*s. She saw them on the teevision. :here was a
riot in 8orth .ondon. ?:roube? had been forecast.
:he* were not amon! those throwin! bricks$ umps of
iron$ stones$ but stood in a !roup at one side$ eerin!
and Feerin! and shoutin! encoura!ement.
8e<t da* the* returned$ but did not sette down to
1&1
watchin! teevision. :he* were restess$ and went off
3as his identification with this !an! of his now so
a!ain. 8e<t mornin! the news was that a sma shop
!reat that he did not think of this as his homeH
had been broken into$ one that had a post)office She remarked to him$ when he was out of earshot of
counter in it. (bout four hundred pounds had been the others$ ?Ben$ if for some reason *ou can?t find me
taken. :he shopkeeper had been bound and !a!!ed. here$ I?m !oin! to !ive *ou an address where *ou can
:he postmistress was beaten up and eft unconscious. awa*s reach me.? (s she spoke$ she fet that 6avid
(t about seven that ni!ht the* came in. "<cept for
was watchin! her satirica*$ disapprovin!*. ?(
Ben$ the* were fu of e<citement and achievement.
ri!ht$? she said sient* to the invisibe 6avid$ ?but I
3hen the* saw her$ the* e<chan!ed !ances$ enFo*in!
know *ou woud do the same$ if I didn?t ... :hat is the
the secret she did not share. She saw them pu out
kind of person we are$ and there?s nothin! we can do
wads of notes$ fin!erin! them$ pushin! them back into about it$ for better or worse.?
pockets. If she were the poice$ she woud be suspi) Ben took the sheet of paper on which she had written
cious on the stren!th of their eation$ their hectic faces. her name$ 1arriet .ovatt$ care of ,o* and +rederick
Ben was not fevered$ ike the others. 1e was as he Burke and their 7<ford address$ which did !ive her a
awa*s was. @ou coud think he had not been part of ) certain spitefu peasure. But she found the sheet of
whatever it was. But he had been there at the riot$ she paper *in! for!otten or unre!arded on the foor of his
had seen him. room$ and did not tr* a!ain.
She tried; ?I saw *ou ot on the teevision$ *ou were It was sprin!$ then summer$ and the* came ess
at the 3hitestone "states.?
often$ sometimes not for da*s at a time. 6erek had
?7h *eah$ we were there$? boasted Bi*. ac5uired a motorbike.
?:hat was us$? said 6erek$ !ivin! himsef thumbs)up 8ow$ whenever she heard of a break)in$ or a mu!)
approva$ and "vis ooked sharp and knowin!. Some !in!$ or a rape an*where$ she bamed themG but thou!ht
others with them$ who came sometimes$ not re!uars$ she was unFust. :he* coud not be bamed for ever*)
ooked peased.
thin!I ,eanwhie$ she was on!in! for them to eave.
( few da*s ater$ she remarked$ ?I think *ou ot ou!ht She was a ferment of need to start a new ife. She
to know that this house is !oin! to be sod ) not at wanted to be done with this unhapp* house$ and the
once$ but 5uite soon.?
thou!hts that went with it.
She was watchin! Ben particuar*$ but whie he did But the* did come$ sometimes. (s if the* had not
turn his e*es on her$ and ) she supposed ) took the been absent for so on!$ sa*in! nothin! about where$
news in$ he said nothin!. the* woud drift into the ivin!)room$ and sit them)
?So *ou?re !oin! to se$ thenH? said 6erek$ she fet as seves around the set$ four or five of them$ sometimes
much for poiteness as for an*thin!. as man* as ten or eeven. :he* did not now raid the
She waited for Ben to mention it$ but he did not. refri!erator; there was ver* itte in it these da*s. :he*
1&0
1&C
brou!ht in enormous 5uantities of a variet* of food)
stuffs that ori!inated in a do-en countries. Pi--as$ and
5uichesG 4hinese food$ and IndianG pita bread fied
with saadG tacos$ tortias$ samosas$ chii con cameG
pies and pasties and sandwiches. :hese were the
conventiona and hidebound "n!ish$ were the*H 8ot
prepared to eat an*thin! but what their parents knewI
It did not seem to matter to them what the* ate$
provided there was a ot of it$ and the* mi!ht strew
crumbs and crusts and cartons about$ and not have to
cean an*thin! up.
She tidied up after them and thou!ht; It?s not for
on!.
She woud sit b* hersef at the bi! tabe whie the*
sprawed about on the other side of the ow wa$ and
the teevision noises made a counter)current to their
oud$ nois*$ rancorous voices ) the voices of an aien)
ated$ non)comprehendin!$ hostie tribe.
:he e<panse of the tabe soothed her. 3hen first
bou!ht$ as a discarded butcher?s tabe$ it had had a
rou!h$ much)cut)about surface$ but it had been paned
down$ and at that sta!e of its ife had shown the cean
cream* white of the new a*er of wood. She and 6avid
had wa<ed it. Since then$ thousands of hands$ fin!ers$
seeves$ the bare forearms of summer$ the cheeks of
chidren who had faen forward aseep sittin! on
aduts? aps$ the pump feet of todders hed up to wak
there$ ever*one appaudin!; a this$ the smoothin!s
and caressin!s of twent* *ears$ had !iven the wide
board ) it was a of a piece$ cut on! a!o from some
!i!antic oak ) a !eamin! siken surface$ so smooth
i f n!ers skated over it. Beneath this skin the knots and
whors a* submer!ed$ their pattern known intimate*
1&#
to her. :he skin had been scarred$ thou!h. 1ere was a
brown haf)circe where 6oroth* had set down a too
hot saucepan and$ an!r* with hersef$ had snatched it
up. :here was a curvin! back wea$ but 1arriet coud
not remember what had made it. If *ou ooked at the
tabe from a certain an!e$ it had areas of tin* dimpes
or dents$ where trivets had been set to keep the heat of
dishes off the precious surface.
3hen she eaned forward$ she coud see hersef in
the !eam ) du*$ but enou!h to make her ean back
a!ain$ out of si!ht. She ooked ike 6avid; od. 8o one
woud sa* she was fort*)five. But it was not the
ordinar* a!ein! of !re* hair$ tired skin; invisibe sub)
stance had been eached from herG she had been
drained of some in!redient that ever*one took for
!ranted$ which was ike a a*er of fat but was not
materia.
.eanin! back where she coud not see her burr*
ima!e$ she ima!ined how$ once$ this tabe had been set
for feasts and enFo*ment$ for ) fami* ife. She re)
created the scenes of twent*$ fifteen$ tweve$ ten *ears
a!o$ the sta!es of the .ovatt board$ first 6avid and
hersef$ brave innocents$ with his parents$ and 6oro)
th*$ and her sisters ... then the babies appearin!$ and
becomin! sma chidren ... new babies . . . twent*
peope$ thirt*$ had crowded around this !eamin!
surface and been mirrored in it$ the* had added other
tabes to the ends$ broadened it with panks set on
trestes . . . she saw the tabe en!then$ and widen$ and
the faces mass around it$ awa*s smiin! faces$ for this
dream coud not accommodate criticism or discord.
(nd the babies . . . the chidren . . . she heard the
au!hter of sma chidren$ their voicesG and then the
1&&
'
wide shine of the tabe seemed to darken$ and there he did not fee the 5uestions she was askin!. Indiffer)
was Ben$ the aien$ the destro*er. She turned her head ent*$ casua*$ he ooked awa* a!ain$ and his e*es
cautious*$ afraid to aert in him senses she was sure went to the faces of his mates$ his foowers.
he possessed$ and saw him there$ in his chair. 1e sat (nd saw ) whatH
apart from the others$ awa*s apartG and$ as awa*s$ his 6id he ever remember now that she ) his mother$
e*es were on others? faces$ observin!. 4od e*esH She but what did that mean to himH ) had found him in
had awa*s thou!ht them codG but what did the* seeH that pace$ and brou!ht him homeH 1ad found him a
:hou!htfuH 7ne coud beieve him thinkin!$ takin! in poor creature haf dead in a strait)FacketH 6id he know
data from what he saw and arran!in! it ) but accordin! that because she had brou!ht him home$ this house
to inner patterns neither she nor an*one ese coud had emptied itsef$ and ever*one had !one awa*$
!uess at. 4ompared with the raw and unfinished eavin! her aoneH
*ouths$ he was a mature bein!. +inished. 4ompete. (round and around and around; if I had et him die$
She fet she was ookin!$ thou!h him$ at a race that then a of us$ so man* peope$ woud have been happ*$
reached its ape< thousands and thousands of *ears but I coud not do it$ and therefore ...
before humanit*$ whatever that meant$ took this sta!e.
(nd what woud happen to Ben nowH 1e aread*
6id Ben?s peope ive in caves under!round whie the knew about the haf)dereict buidin!s$ the caves and
ice a!e !round overhead$ eatin! fish from dark subter) caverns and sheters of the bi! cities where peope
ranean rivers$ or sneakin! up into the bitter snow to ived who coud not find a pace in ordinar* homes
snare a bear$ or a bird ) or even peope$ her (1arriet?s) and houses; he must do$ for where ese coud he have
ancestorsH 6id his peope rape the femaes of humani) been durin! the periods of da*s$ or weeks$ when he
t*?s forebearsH :hus makin! new races$ which had was !one from homeH Soon$ if he was often enou!h
f
ourished and departed$ but perhaps had eft their part of !reat crowds$ part of the eement ookin! for
seeds in the human matri<$ here and there$ to appear e<citement in riots$ street fi!hts$ he and his friends
a!ain$ as Ben hadH ((nd perhaps Ben?s !enes were
woud be known to the poice. 1e was not someone
aread* in some foetus stru!!in! to be bornH) easi* overooked ... *et wh* did she sa* thatH "ver*)
6id he fee her e*es on him$ as a human woudH 1e
one in authorit* had not been seein! Ben ever since he
sometimes ooked at her whie she ooked at him ) not was born ... 3hen she saw him on teevision in that
often$ but it did happen that his e*es met hers. She
crowd$ he had worn a Facket with its coar up$ and a
woud put into her !a-e these specuations$ these scarf$ and was ike a *oun!er brother$ perhaps of 6erek.
5ueries$ her need$ her !assion to know more about him 1e seemed a stout schoobo*. 1ad he put on those
) whom$ after a$ she had !iven birth to$ had carried cothes to dis!uise himsefH 6id that mean that he
for ei!ht months$ thou!h it had near* kied her ) but knew how he ookedH 1ow did he see himsefH
1&B 1&2
3oud peope awa*s refuse to see him$ to reco!ni-e
she wondered how soon the* woud a simp* !o off$
what he wasH
perhaps not knowin! the* woud not return. She
It woud not$ coud not$ be someone in authorit*$
woud sit there$ beside the 5uiet soft shine of the poo
who woud then have to take responsibiit*. 8o schoo)
that was the tabe$ and wait for them to come back$ but
teacher$ or doctor$ or speciaist had been abe to sa*$
the* woud not come back.
?:hat is what he is?; neither coud an* poiceman$ or (nd wh* shoud the* sta* in this countr*H :he*
poice doctor$ or socia worker. But suppose one da* coud easi* take off and disappear into an* number of
someone who was an amateur of the human condition$ the word?s !reat cities$ Foin the underword there$ ive
perhaps an anthropoo!ist of an unusua kind$ actua*
off their wits. Perhaps 5uite soon$ in the new house
saw Ben$ et?s sa* standin! on a street with his mates$
she woud be ivin! in (aone) with 6avid$ she woud
or in a poice court$ and admitted the truth. (dmitted
be ookin! at the bo<$ and there$ in a shot on the 8ews
curiosit* ... what thenH 4oud Ben$ even now$ end up
of Berin$ ,adrid$ .os (n!ees$ Buenos (ires$ she
sacrificed to scienceH 3hat woud the* do with himH
woud see Ben$ standin! rather apart from the crowd$
4arve him upH "<amine those cud!e)ike bones of his$
starin! at the camera with his !obin e*es$ or searchin!
those e*es$ and find out wh* his speech was so thick
the faces in the crowd for another of his own kind.
and awkwardH
If this did not happen ) and her e<perience with him
unti now said it was unike* ) then what she foresaw
for him was even worse. :he !an! woud continue to
support themseves b* theft$ and sooner or ater woud
be cau!ht. Ben$ too. In poice hands he woud fi!ht$
and roar and stamp about and beow$ out of contro
with ra!e$ and the* woud dru! him$ because the* had
to$ and before ver* on! he woud be as he had been
when she had found him d*in!$ ookin! ike a !iant
su!$ paid and imp in his coth shroud.
7r perhaps he coud evade bein! cau!htH 3as he
cever enou!hH :hese mates of his$ his !an!$ certain*
were not$ !ivin! themseves awa* b* their e<citement$
their eation.
1arriet sat there 5uiet*$ with the teevision sounds
and their voices comin! from ne<t doorG and she
sometimes ooked at Ben 5uick*$ and then awa*G and
1&/
1&9
Doris Lessing
Ben, in the World

?( wonderfu nove$ fawess as a back pear? Dail$ Mail
?7utstandin! ... ( tour de force that poses stark 5uestions
about modern)da* Britain and what it is to be human.?
Sunda$ Times
'Ben, in the &orld picks up the stor* of Ben .ovatt$ the
nean)
dertha anti)chid who in The Fifth Child e<periences the
fami* as an en!ine of hatred$ reFection and perfectionism
mobiised a!ainst him. 8ow an adut$ Ben inhabits the word
of the modem freak; the word of the homeess$ the unre!is)
tered$ the unwanted. 3ith the mind of a chid in a !iant$
simian bod*$ he is at once vunerabe and threatenin!$ capa)
be of vioence and terrib* dependent upon approva and
trust . . . .essin! has a strikin! abiit* to iustrate human
mora worth throu!h such a simpe ens. In this short$ !rip)
pin! and tra!ic nove$ she conve*s a powerfu messa!e about
the imits of ove and the destructive power of sefishnessG
and most of a about our bruta desire to ive our ives unfet)
tered b* the hepess$ b* those who sow us down with their
need for kindness.? Sunda* "<press
'Ben, 1n the &orld is hu!e in scope$ humanit* and pathos.
.essin! created a monsterG her triumph is that he not on*
personifies the human *earnin! to beon!$ but that we aso
come to ove him.? Dail$ Telegra!h

famin!o