By Thomas Altaffer, LCSW

Pamela M. Altaffer, LCSW

August 31, 2014
HELPING YOU HEAL YOUR RELATIONSHIP FROM THE INSIDE OUT
WWW.LovingYourRelationship.com
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Table of Contents
DISCLAIMER ................................................................................ 2
CHAPTER 1: INTRODUCTION .................................................... 3
CHAPTER 2: THIRTY YEARS LEARNING TO LOVE ................. 4
CHAPTER 3: THE ULTIMATE SPIRITUAL PATH........................ 6
CHAPTER 4: DEPENDENCE RELATIONSHIP ........................... 8
CHAPTER 5: 50/50 RELATIONSHIP ......................................... 10
CHAPTER 6: INTIMATE COMMUNION ..................................... 12
CHAPTER 7: TWO VIEWS OF RELATIONSHIP ....................... 14
CHAPTER 8: TWO TYPES OF THERAPY ................................. 16
CHAPTER 9: INTEGRATING STAGES INTO TREATMENT ..... 18
CHAPTER 10: TREATMENT IS DYNAMIC ................................ 20
CHAPTER 11: NEGOTIATING TRANSITIONS .......................... 22
CHAPTER 12: WHAT STOPS US FROM LOVING? .................. 24
CHAPTER 13: RELATIONSHIP DRIVERS ................................ 26
CHAPTER 14: ATTACHMENT DISTURBANCE ........................ 28
CHAPTER 15: ATTENTION IS IMPORTANT ............................. 30
CHAPTER 16: SWAY TEST ....................................................... 32
CHAPTER 17: CHECKING SELF CONCEPT/SELF ESTEEM .. 34
CHAPTER 18: CHECKING SOCIAL RELATIONSHIPS ............. 36
CHAPTER 19: COMMITTED PARTNERSHIPS ......................... 38
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DISCLAIMER


This booklet is presented for educational and research purposes. It is not
intended to replace medical care. There is no guarantee that these
approaches will perform as discussed. Negative side effects of these
treatments are not documented. However, there is no assurance that there
will be no negative side effects for your patients. Any consequences of the
use of these techniques are the responsibility of the individual. The
procedures presented are not intended to diagnose, treat or prevent any
disease.
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CHAPTER 1: INTRODUCTION


What follows in this booklet is derived from a training Pam and I did at the Imago
Institute in New York City in 2012.
At this advanced training for therapists we demonstrated our approach to working
with couples that does not depend on diagnosing dysfunction, setting rules or
deciding who is right and who wrong. Instead, our approach is centered in the
understanding that it is our own judgments, trauma, limiting beliefs and negative
feelings that are interfering with the natural expression of love and intimacy.
The therapists at Imago were particularly well suited to understand this point. Dr.
Harville Hendrix and Dr. Helen LaKelly Hunt began Imago in 1980, with the
understanding that much of the frustration that develops in our adult relationships
have their roots in early childhood.
This presentation is designed to help you understand what this means for your
relationship and introduce you to the possibility that by healing trauma, judgment,
limiting feelings and beliefs, it is possible to obtain a level of freedom and intimacy in
relationship that you might not have even thought possible.
The specific steps to healing trauma and limiting feelings and beliefs is beyond the
scope of this booklet but can easily be found on our website at
www.AskandReceive.org.
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CHAPTER 2: THIRTY YEARS LEARNING TO LOVE





Relationships are not easy. In fact, they are the hardest thing any of us will ever do.
For Pam and me, our relationship almost ended before it began.

When my wife Pam and I were married almost 30 years ago, we were under a great
deal of stress. We had moved, gotten new jobs, gotten married and made a number of
other changes as well, and we knew we needed help. As young therapists ourselves we
asked around and found the best couples therapist around and drove an hour up to
see her every week. On our trip up to see her we would be happy and getting along.
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Then we would meet with her for an hour and fight the whole way home.
As this repeated week after week we started to pull away from each other until one
week the therapist told us that we should get divorced. She felt that our differences
were too much and that we should divorce now and find other partners.
Luckily, even though we were just beginner therapists, we knew that there was
something wrong with that advice. It felt wrong for a therapist to be making the
decision about the future of our relationship. It felt wrong to focus so painfully on
what was making us unhappy. And we were smart enough to know that if we
abandoned each other we would both carry that scar for the rest of our lives.
As a result we started looking for another way to heal, and what we found turns
traditional couples therapy on its head. What we found doesnt focus on what is not
working. It doesnt involve making deals. It doesnt even involve changing our
partner. In fact, what we found turns couples therapy into the most powerful tool for
personal healing yet discovered!

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CHAPTER 3: THE ULTIMATE SPIRITUAL PATH





When two people fall in love and decide to spend the rest of their lives together they
are making an incredible leap of faith. They are choosing love over fear and
commitment over selfishness, and doing it for better and for worse, in sickness and
in health, until death do they part.
Is it any wonder that so many relationships fall apart? It is hard to stick to these
lofty goals when the children are screaming, you are unemployed and the mortgage
has to be paid. This is why we consider relationship to be the ultimate spiritual path. It
forces us to do battle with our selfish nature on a regular basis. Whatever issues we
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have will come up in the context of the relationship and will act as a lever to separate
us, both from each other and from our loving nature.
It is this separation from our loving nature that is of primary importance. It is this
separation that leads to our experience of pain and upset. In the context of
relationship though, it is so easy to blame this separation on our partner and convince
ourselves that if we can only control (or get rid of) our partner, then we will be happy.
It is this misperception that leads to most conflict in relationship and virtually all
divorce. It is an easy mistake to make, and one that all of us make over and over
again. If a relationship is to ripen and mature there has to be a gradual evolution as we
shift from an external focus on changing our partner to an internal one focusing on
healing ourselves.
It is this crisis which is the opportunity for a couples evolution. We refer to this as
a spiritual evolution because it is a developmental process leading us away from our
frightened ego defined childish views to a deeper, wiser more loving and open
understanding.
While all of us will resist this evolution (because it can be painful), it is one that
leads not only to improved relationships, but to a quieter and more loving mind.
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CHAPTER 4: DEPENDENCE RELATIONSHIP





David Deida has written and spoken about the spiritual and developmental nature of
relationships and sexuality for years, and he believes that there are basically three types
of relationship. We think this is important because the different forms of relationship
often require different types of coaching. Also, often when someone presents for
help, they are trying to negotiate a shift from a lower level of relationship to a higher
one.
Mr. Deida believes that for almost all of human history there was pretty much only
what he calls the Level 1 relationship. This is a relationship based on dependence
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between the members. Think of an arranged marriage or a marriage based on very
distinct roles (e.g. the man hunts or works while the woman cares for the children and
the home).
This is a very stable form of relationship. Divorce is unusual because each member
needs the other to perform his or her role. Love and intimacy are not necessary to a
relationship such as this, and while there can be a good deal of passion, this can also
involve a good deal of fighting and abuse.
Level 1 relationships are still the norm, both in the United States but especially in
areas where there are limited social resources.
According to Mr. Deida, it really wasnt until the 1960s that a new form of
relationship evolved. The reason this happened had to do with increasing social
resources but also because of an arising need within some of these relationships for
more flexible roles and a greater sense of equality and possibility. While this was
driven largely by women wanting more from their relationship, many men also
realized that this new way of relating brought them many benefits as well.

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CHAPTER 5: 50/50 RELATIONSHIP





The level 2 relationship is what we now think of as the modern style. It involves a
more or less equally shared relationship in which two independent people come
together to share in the tasks of partnership. Instead of each member shouldering his
or her distinct role, responsibilities are divided so that there is a more or less equal
distribution of work. In this form of relationship it is common for both partners to
work, to perform childcare and household chores.
This is very different than the Level 1 relationship and it brings a great deal more
equality and freedom into the relationship but it does so at the risk of turning the
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relationship into more of a business partnership, of losing the aliveness that might
have existed in the level 1 relationship.
Because each member of this relationship is more independent, these relationships
are dramatically less stable and more prone to divorce. If we dont have to stay
together for survival, many people will decide to leave in hopes of creating
something better with someone else.

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CHAPTER 6: INTIMATE COMMUNION





Deidas third level of relationship is Intimate Communion. This is a level of
relationship that is only just now starting to manifest in the world. It is a level of
relationship that can only be consistently practiced by people who are willing and able
to take full responsibility for their lives, their feelings, their judgments and their
actions. It is a form of relationship that is entirely voluntary, not based on survival
needs or a desire for help doing chores. It involves the moment to moment
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willingness to choose to be open and alive within the relationship, to share oneself
fully and to practice, practice, practice.
There are many couples who are starting to feel the limits of their 50/50
Relationship and want more. They yearn to be more fully themselves within their
relationship and to be fully seen, while at the same time, fully see and accept their
partner. As wonderful as it sounds, this is the least stable of all the relationship forms
since it is entirely voluntary. Also, since true intimacy is so frightening, it takes great
maturity to not run and hide when our fears or insecurities start to come out.
For those who can do it though, this is where the juice is. This is where passion,
intimacy, acceptance and freedom lie, but it can only be had for those who are willing
to risk losing it all to obtain.
Because of the nature of our work, Pam and I find ourselves almost exclusively
working with clients who (whether they know it or not) yearn for this level of
relationship.
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CHAPTER 7: TWO VIEWS OF RELATIONSHIP





Having seen the three levels, it becomes easy to see that there are really two different
ways of looking at relationship. Depending on which of these views you hold to really
determines what your relationship looks like as well as what form of coaching is most
likely to benefit you.
We call the first view Traditional because it has been around the longest. It sees
love as something separate from the lover. In this view, love is something that
happens to you. It is something that comes from outside of you and is as delicate as a
butterfly, likely to take flight if someone makes a wrong move or a loud noise. And,
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once it is gone, it may never come back. Once the infatuation period in the
relationship has ended, judgments begin to emerge about your partner. The
Traditional relationship will try to change the other or try to make a deal or
compromise with the partner.
On the other hand, what we call the Evolved view sees love as something innate.
The state of love belongs within you. It can be triggered by your partner, your child, a
beautiful sunset, but it lives within you. As a result, your experience of love depends
on you. Each partner is responsible for his or her own happiness, pleasure and
satisfaction. When there is an interruption in the flow of loving connection then, it
can be found again within you once you have released whatever fear, judgment,
trauma or limiting belief might be interfering.
Couples who are willing to embrace the Evolved view have so much added power
for transforming their relationships for the good because it brings home the
transformative power to each member of the couple.
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CHAPTER 8: TWO TYPES OF THERAPY





So there are two types of treatment for the two views of relationship, the Traditional
and the Evolved.
Traditional treatment tends to involve a great deal of discussion of resentments,
disappointments and problems, expression of negative emotions and there is a strong
focus on compromise. This is the sort of therapy Pam and I received as newly minted
therapists. Because even at that time we were struggling toward an Evolved
perspective, the Traditional approach didnt work for us.
In the Evolved approach treatment always begins with a strong, positive mutual
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intention (e.g. We want to share our lives joyfully with each other). And then each
member of the couple owns whatever comes up to block them from realizing that
intention in every moment.
If you think it, its yours.
If you feel it, its yours.
This is practically the opposite of the Traditional response. What makes the
Evolved treatment possible are new techniques for shifting and releasing trauma,
limiting beliefs and negative feelings. There are many of these new techniques that are
finding support now in the world of psychotherapy, but few people have started
applying them to healing relationships. This is one of the major ways that we have
contributed to the field of couples coaching.
When we are working with a couple, we always teach them several ways of healing
their own negative feelings, thoughts and judgment. Releasing Through Love and Ask and
Receive are two powerful techniques that we have developed to specifically target these
issues and release them. Once released, it is amazing to see how relationships can be
rapidly and powerfully transformed!
To learn more about these techniques, please come to www.AskandReceive.org.
With our friend and co-developer, Sandi Radomski, we have created powerful tools
for shifting not just emotional issues but almost any kind of chronic problem.
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CHAPTER 9: INTEGRATING STAGES INTO TREATMENT





Since this presentation was developed to train Couples Therapists, this slide
demonstrates the importance of directing treatment at each stage of relationship.
While we discuss the stages as discrete levels, the truth is that most of us have parts of
all three forms in our current relationship.
As a result, especially in the beginning of a coaching relationship it can be useful to
make sure that issues of safety, power and role dynamics are looked at and goals and
structure are built in where needed in order to help people get on with the job of
evolving their relationship to the highest level they may desire.
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We do not mean to suggest that higher levels of relationship are better than
lower ones. The designation of higher and lower was made by Deida to mark the level
of complexity within each. There are happily married people at each level of
relationship, so we dont want to imply that everyone should strive for a level 3
relationship. If it aint broke dont fix it, or first do no harm are good precepts for
any kind of coaching. It is not a matter of moving people along to level 3 relationships
no matter what. What is important is to help couples derive happiness from the
relationship they have. Of course, having said that, many couples do choose to
progress to higher level relationships once they discover that such things are possible.
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CHAPTER 10: TREATMENT IS DYNAMIC





As we work with a couple we find that they move between all three stages. For
example their household management may be at level 1 with very distinct roles and
expectations about what is the mans responsibility and what the womans, while their
work lives are at level 2 in which they each have their own money and are responsible
for different parts of the budget. And perhaps their relationship with their sexuality is
at level 3 in which they take responsibility for their own feelings, needs and
satisfaction, and they work at not projecting judgment or blame.

This sort of relationship is common and often there is a good deal of shifting as the
21
couple discovers what is best for them at this time.
22




CHAPTER 11: NEGOTIATING TRANSITIONS





Often coaching starts with one member trying to negotiate a transition from a lower
stage. Very often this will be driven by the female partner (though not always) who
has become dissatisfied at the current level and wants more. This often provokes
anger and confusion in the other partner who is still unaware that more is possible.
That partner might say I am the same man you married., I do the same things I
always did, or Why cant you go back to the way you used to be?
When one member of the couple is ready to move up to the next level, it can be
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very hard for the one who feels left behind. The result is that that member will often
regress as an attempt to regain some control, coming up with rules, agreements or in
some cases becoming explosive, violent or withdraw.
In these situations, both members are acting out of love and a desire to strengthen
the relationship, but because they are focused on a different stage, their efforts are
misperceived.
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CHAPTER 12: WHAT STOPS US FROM LOVING?




There is a secret revolution going on now in psychotherapy in which those therapists
who are in the trenches working with people day in and day out are starting to use
some amazing new techniques for treating trauma. The revolution is a secret because
insurance companies and licensing boards are very strict in what they will consider for
reimbursement. If a technique or treatment doesnt contain the word Behavioral it
wont be paid for.
Even though many of these new treatments such as Eye Movement
Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) or Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT)
have been around for years and have significant positive research behind them, they
are still not considered evidence based by many insurance companies. This
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movement toward trauma treatment is therefore done under the radar of the
insurance companies and is part of the reason so many honest therapists have left the
field and redefined themselves as coaches.
These techniques are the missing link when helping people who are at a higher level
of functioning. What is the point of recognizing that you are responsible for your own
feelings and thoughts if you cant do anything to change them. This is where these
new trauma treatments are proving so useful. With these simple techniques, many
people find that feelings, thoughts and judgments that have plagued them for years
can be released in moments.
What we are discovering is that all of us have trauma in our lives and that trauma
shapes our perceptions, thoughts and feelings. It is as though when a person is
exposed to a trauma it locks a negative thought and feeling into a persons psyche and
then locks it away so the person can deal with the traumatic situation. In locking the
thought and feeling away though it turns it into a filter that then influences how a
person thinks and perceives from then on and the embedded feelings can be triggered
later in their lives by unexpected stimuli.
Tom and Pam have studied many of these techniques and train therapists both
naturally and internationally in Releasing Through Love and Ask and Receive. We feel that
these two techniques are particularly good at helping people to release the judgments,
limiting beliefs and feelings of unforgiveness that really block our loving natures.
26




CHAPTER 13: RELATIONSHIP DRIVERS





Much of the time when we first meet with a couple their relationship is challenged.
The members of the couple have become polarized and there is a good deal of
arguing, with each member insisting on the correctness of their view. There is a great
deal of blaming and everyone is very focused on what is going wrong. This
perspective does not lend itself to positive change. Since what you focus on gets
stronger, this perspective only builds more polarization.
When we begin coaching with a couple we quickly want to shift to a more
27
successful perspective. In the successful perspective, there is a mutual intention of
support, joy and love in the relationship. The focus is on developing appreciation,
gratitude and what is going well.
Most couples can manage this change in perspective at least briefly, and notice a
big shift in how their bodies feel and even a shift in their thinking. Once someone can
access this perspective the challenge is to find and release thoughts, feelings, trauma,
judgment and unforgiveness that act as triggers to pull the person out of this state.
Much of our focus is on helping each member to hold on to this positive
perspective so that it can feed back on itself and develop.
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CHAPTER 14: ATTACHMENT DISTURBANCE





Looking more deeply into the real drivers of relationship problems we find that most
of them did not begin in the current relationship. The seeds of our relationship
problems existed long before.
A well accepted principle of couples treatment derives from Attachment Therapy
and looks at distortion in the attachment between parent and child. Incomplete or
problematic attachment can lead to problems with intimacy and trust that can distort
any relationship to some degree. The problem is that all of us have some attachment
disturbance. We cannot escape childhood without some, even if we had the best
29
parents in the world.
The good news is that what causes attachment problems are the same things that
block feelings of love: trauma, limiting beliefs, judgment and negative feelings. The
new techniques for resolving trauma can be used as successfully for these early
attachment wounds as for more recent issues if you are working with a coach who is
well versed in their use.
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CHAPTER 15: ATTENTION IS IMPORTANT





Childhood attachment issues are not all the same. Parents often say that they treated
all their children the same way but they turn out very different. Part of the reason for
this is that we each have a different nature, and the timing of the attachment wound
can result in very different learning. Also, as a child ages he or she is moving through
a developmental process that can also change the meaning of a wound. For example,
if a parent leaves a family, even just for a few days, it can be interpreted very
differently depending on the developmental level of the child. A very young infant
might experience extreme abandonment and feel that the world is a dangerous and
31
uncaring place, a young child might think that he did something to make the parent
go away and feel that there is something wrong with himself, or an older child might
be angry that the parent went away.
Depending on the developmental level and other fairly random factors, these
attachment wounds act to distort our understanding of intimacy and our willingness
to be vulnerable. It is through relationship that we experience these hurt places in
ourselves which then allows us to heal them. All we have to do is understand that
these thought/feelings are within us and that we can learn to use tools to release
them. Once released, what we experience is much greater freedom and happiness in
our intimate relationships. Those upsetting incidents that seemed to occur with
frustrating frequency before will dramatically reduce or even stop all together.
32



CHAPTER 16: SWAY TEST





One simple experiment that we can do to help us find some of our attachment issues
is to learn to communicate with our bodies. Our bodies are always trying to
communicate with us but we have never learned to listen. The feelings, thoughts and
reactions within the body provide all the information we really need to begin to heal if
we can only start to listen and understand better.
A simple exercise for tuning into the body is something our partner Sandi
Radomski, ND, LCSW, calls the Sway Test. All you need to do to try this out is to
stand up with your feet together, your arms crossed in front of your chest, and your
33
eyes closed. Then you make a statement such as Yes, and simply stand there and
notice the reaction of your body. Does your body sway forward? If so, it is answering
yes or I am congruent with that statement. Does it sway backward? If so, it is
answering no or I am not congruent with that statement. For almost everyone
yes is signaled by swaying forward and no is signaled by swaying backward. Test
this out first with things you already know the answer to. Say my name is (say your
name) and notice if you sway forward. Then say my name is (say a different name)
and notice if you sway backward.
For some people the reactions of their bodies are very dramatic and distinct, for
others it is very subtle and takes some time to really calibrate. This is really worth your
time because coupled with a powerful technique such as Ask and Receive or Releasing
Through Love, it allows you to start repairing those early attachment issues.
34



CHAPTER 17: CHECKING SELF CONCEPT/SELF ESTEEM





As a little test of concept, here is a list of self concept/self esteem statements that you
can now use along with the Sway Test to check for early attachment issues. When you
do the Sway Test notice if you sway forward or backward when you make the
statements. If you find yourself swaying backwards to a statement such as I like
myself, dont blame or argue with yourself. It doesnt mean that you hate yourself or
that you are psychologically disturbed. It means that the statement is not congruent
for you at this time and it presents an area for potential healing.
If you go through all of these statements and they are all positive, think about a
35
situation that is not working out so well and do the statements again. Sometimes it
can be a bit complicated to find these unhealed aspects because they are hidden by
dissociation.

36



CHAPTER 18: CHECKING SOCIAL RELATIONSHIPS





Now if you wish, you can use the Sway Test to check for your congruence with a list
of statements regarding social relationships. As with the self esteem statements, you
might find that you get a different response depending upon what areas of your life
you are thinking about.
Many people who are sensitive to their inner process may notice that they dont
even really need to do the Sway Test, that they get other forms of body focused
communication when they make the statement. They might feel a twinge in their heart
or solar plexus area, or a voice in their head may say thats not true! or the
37
statement may just not feel true when you say it. These are all interesting and useful
forms of communication.
If you notice that one or more statements do not appear true for you (at least in
certain contexts), dont worry about it or try to argue yourself out of it. Neither of
these reactions will change your result. Instead, you can use one of the new Power
Therapies to release the reaction. It is often quite surprising how releasing these issues
creates change in your life.
38



CHAPTER 19: COMMITTED PARTNERSHIPS





Having come this far, her are 16 more statements having to do with committed
partnerships. You can check them out in the same way you did the earlier belief
statements. Again, remember if you find one (or several) statements that are not
congruent for you, you can easily release them with one of the Power Therapies.
If you are interested in finding ways to release limiting beliefs, trauma or negative
feelings we recommend that you find a coach to help you though because it can be
hard to find and treat your own limiting beliefs. However if cost is an issue for you,
we have created quite a bit of training material that is available at AskandReceive.org.
39

For more ideas and special offers, look at our relationship packages below.
Apply for a FREE 30 Minute
Discovery Session
Pam is offering COMPLEMENTARY
Transform Your Relationship Discovery
Sessions (Value@over $100).
There are 3 different Discovery Sessions you can
choose from:
1) Transform your Relationship Discovery Session
2) Transform you Relationship with Yourself
Discovery Session
or
3) Bringing in a Beloved Partner Discovery
Session
In these Discovery Sessions, Pam will walk you through:
Discovering what is unconsciously sabotaging you from
having the relationship of your hearts desire.
Getting clarity about what you want in a relationship.
One simple steep you can take immediately to get into
action.
(For more information just click one of the 3 sessions above)

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LOVING YOUR
RELATIONSHIPS.COM
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Tucson, AZ 85719

Phone Pam at: (609) 432-0174

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