Restoring Hope

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Restoring Hope
March 7th, 2012 by Steve Pavlina
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Lacking clarity about what you want to experience in life is a common
problem. Another problem is having a reasonable sense of what you desire but
feeling blocked in moving forward. With either of these problems, you may
experience a feeling of stuckness, sometimes even hopelessness.
One of the main causes of this stuckness is tolerating too much of what you
dont want in your life. One reason this happens is that your standards for what
you wish to experience may have risen, but you havent followed up with
enough action to ensure that the various parts of your life meet these new
standards.
The solution is fairly simple, but it can be difficult to put into practice because
it usually requires some courage. That solution is to actively say no to what
you dont want in your life, to release it and let it go. This clears out the clutter,
so you can invite and experience more of what you desire. Unfortunately in
stuck situations, people often do the opposite. They cling even more tightly to
what they have, even though it isnt what they really want.
Jobs and relationships are typical sources of stuckness, so lets focus on those.
If you feel stuck in a different area of your life, you can apply these same
concepts to that area.
A Quick Evaluation
For each area of your life where you feel a little (or a lot) stuck, give it a quick
rating on a scale of 1-10. A 1 means that you absolutely dont like this, and a
10 means that you love it as-is.
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If you rate some part of your life an 8, 9, or 10, then Id say its a keeper. This
part of your life is meeting your standards, and youd probably feel worse if
you dropped it.
If some part rates as a 1, 2, or 3, its usually a no-brainer to drop it. Youll feel
relieved when you do. It may not be easy, but you havent got much to lose by
letting it go. Youll let go of some unnecessary stress, and continuing to
tolerate it would be bad for your health anyway. As I shared in my last
newsletter, each year of high stress that you endure can cause you to age by the
equivalent of up to 6 years.
The tricky parts are in the 4-7 range, especially those 6s and 7s, so lets discuss
how to handle them. For the sake of simplicity, lets refer to that whole middle
range as a 7.
The Dreaded 7
A 7 by itself means youre getting some of what you want, but youre still not
experiencing what you desire. Its okay, certainly not horrible, but its not truly
fulfilling either. If you settle for that 7, youll be leaving some significant
desires unfulfilled in this area.
A 7 might be a career path with work you semi-enjoy, but its not the best fit
for your talents. Or it can be work you love, but it doesnt generate enough
income to pay the bills.
A 7 might be a relationship with someone you love and respect, but your sex
life is dead, and you crave a more passionate connection. Or maybe youre
very close to someone you enjoy spending time with, but their lack of ambition
leaves you feeling frustrated.
A 7 means you havent tipped onto the fulfillment side yet. There may be a lot
of good stuff there, but something thats pretty important to you is still missing
like a decent income, a passionate connection, or a healthy ambition.
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With an 8, 9, or 10, youve got the truly important items down. Whats missing
is something that would be nice to have but certainly not essential. Youve
already tipped onto the fulfillment side.
A 7 really isnt good enough since you know those 8s, 9s, and 10s are still out
there. Its not an inhuman task to achieve at least an 8. Those 7s may be in the
ballpark, but they arent in the right section of the ballpark.
If that 7 is trending downwards, it means that this part of your life is getting
worse. As you decline in this area, it will get harder to keep tolerating that 7.
One thing that can create a downward trend is if your 7 is a stagnant part of
your life, such as a dead-end job thats the same every year. As you learn and
grow, it will feel less tolerable to you.
If that 7 happens to be trending upwards, then this part of your life is
improving. If you wait a bit, it may eventually become an 8, 9, or 10.
But if that 7 is likely to remain a 7, then its generally best to let it go.
Why 7s Are Stressful
You can hold onto that 7 until you spot an 8, 9, or 10, and then try to trade up.
Many people do this, but it doesnt always work. Sometimes clinging to that 7
makes it difficult or impossible to spot an 8, 9, or 10. This is especially true
with jobs and relationships. If someone sees you in a 7 job, theyll often
assume youre a 7 worker, and people dont usually offer 8+ jobs to the 7 types.
Youll be glossed over, lumped in with the crowd you associate with. And its
easy enough to see how a 7 relationship can repel more compatible prospects
too; youve made yourself less available.
What many people dont recognize is that long-term 7s are often stressful.
Stress is largely caused by feeling that your life is out of your control. The
dissatisfaction of tolerating what you dont want reinforces that youre not in
control and increases your stress levels, which can cause health problems and
shorten your lifespan.
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If you can transform a 7 into an 8, 9, or 10, then by all means do so. But if you
can reasonably predict that your 7 isnt realistically going to improve much, its
wise to let it go and focus on landing an 8, 9, or 10. Otherwise if you cling to
that 7, it will get in your way and block you from improving. Only stick with
7s when there is clear and realistic hope that they are improving into 8s, 9s, or
10s. This means that youre seeing real signs of progress. When this happens,
others will often notice that youre making progress too, and theyll comment
on it. Youve lost weight. You seem so much happier than when I saw you
last. Youre a lot more productive this year.
Letting Go
Many people assume its best to hold onto that 7 until something better is
within easy reach, but this is usually an ineffective strategy. The fear is that if
you let go of the 7, you may be stuck with something worse. And that often
does happen. Upon dropping a 7, sometimes people fall into the realm of 1s,
2s, and 3s for a while. That isnt a bad thing though. This contrast can be very
motivating. A temporary backslide isnt a reason to avoid dropping a 7 its
part of the path to an 8, 9, or 10.
Having a 7 can make you complacent. You cant be so complacent with or 1, 2,
or 3. You cant convince yourself that everything is fine anymore. The truth is
that your 7 was a miss, but you tried to convince yourself you had a partial hit.
When you fall from a 7 to below a 4, youre not really much worse off; youre
just more aware that youre missing the mark.
A common experience after dumping a 7 is to recast it as a much lower number
in retrospect, especially after experiencing what a 9 or 10 feels like. Theres a
good chance that your future self would find your current rating of a 7 to be
ridiculously optimistic. You may be settling for a 3 or 4 while trying to
convince yourself its much better than it is. This happens because being stuck
for a while tends to cause people to lower their standards. They get used to
tolerating what they dont want, so they give up on some of what they do want,
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labeling it as unrealistic or impossible. Instead of feeding their desires, they
increase their tolerance for the undesirable. Of course this path doesnt lead to
fulfillment; it leads to apathy and helplessness.
Restoring Flow
Whenever I drop those 7s from my life, I usually feel relieved afterwards. Even
if theres nothing to replace a dropped 7 right away, I still feel good about it.
One reason is that Im letting go of stress. Its stressful to keep wanting a 7 to
become an 8, 9, or 10 and having it remain perpetually a 7. When I let go of the
7, I also release any attachment to forcing it to become something more than it
could be.
Another benefit is that when I release a 7, I gain more appreciation for the 9s
and 10s in my life. Each 7 drags me down a bit. A 7 is a disappointment. When
I surrender that struggle, I remember how I created some of the 9s and 10s in
my life through a process of flow instead of force. By paying more attention
to the 9s and 10s I already have, I get back in touch with that flow, and I
remember what its like to flow towards my desires with grace and ease. The 7
struggle reminds me that I took a wrong turn somewhere, accidentally creating
what I didnt want.
Can Your 7 Become an 8, 9, or 10?
Last year I realized that my social life was falling into that 4-7 range. It was
right around 7, but in retrospect Id now assign it a 3. I had a lot of richness
with so much online communication coming to me, but it also included a lot of
what I didnt want the obligation of so much communication piling up,
having to spend more time online just to keep up with everything, and being
constantly targeted by spammy marketers who see me as a potential dollar sign.
I kept trying to tweak and force that 7 into something better. But eventually I
asked myself if it would realistically ever become an 8, 9, or 10. I thought that
with luck it could become an 8 someday, but it would clearly never become a 9
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or 10. I saw there would always be a significant infusion of what I dont want,
partly because what I want is at odds with what others want.
Your Desires vs. Your Reality
I wanted to receive email from people Im happy to connect with and no email
whatsoever from Internet marketers who are fishing for promotional outlets.
But many Internet marketers clearly want the opposite; whenever I have an
open comm channel, they flood it.
I wanted to have a Facebook page with better admin tools, the ability to disable
the inbox for private messages (I dont need another inbox), and civil and
interesting discussions, but Facebook can actually make more money by
keeping their service less user-friendly. More hassle means more page views
and more ad impressions, which means more money for Facebook. For the
average user this hassle is tolerated. For me it eventually made the whole
service not worth the effort.
I wanted to host discussion forums where people would have deep
conversations about personal growth, holding themselves to standards of
interaction much as they would when talking face to face. But many wanted to
use the forums for a contrary purpose, such as posting spam or just messing
with people.
These channels certainly provided some benefits. I met some great people. I
participated in interesting discussions. I received new insights. Lots of growth
oriented people were brought together. There was a lot of good there.
But these channels could only become 7s at best. They could provide some of
what I wanted but not enough of it to make them truly fulfilling in the long run.
They got close, but not close enough. If I settled for these channels, Id be
forever denying myself the experience of an 8, 9, or 10.
Learning From Disappointment
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The benefit of experiencing a 7 is that it can give you more clarity about what
an 8, 9, or 10 looks like. The disappointment of being almost fulfilled helps
you get more clear about what you truly desire.
Im disappointed that if I put a contact form on my website, lots of people send
messages that are of zero interest to me. Im disappointed that even if I post
clear instructions for whats okay to send and what isnt, some people will
always ignore them.
Im disappointed that Facebook forced me to have an inbox if I have an
account, which would invariably receive a lot of spam, and their fan page
admin tools were among the buggiest Ive encountered in a major online
service. Im disappointed they seem to put the growth of their user base and
going public ahead of fixing known problems that have received hundreds of
thousands of public complaints just on Facebook itself.
Im disappointed that when I hosted public forums, some people would create
accounts just to spam it, while others would make personal attacks against
other members, get banned by a moderator, and then email me to complain
about how they were unfairly singled out.
I dont have any resentment towards the people involved. I chose these
solutions in an attempt to fulfill certain desires. I still have those desires, and
Im not abandoning them. But I did find it necessary to abandon solutions that
are never going to be truly fulfilling.
When I dropped these 7s from my life, I let go of a lot of benefits, but I also let
go of a lot of stress. I no longer feel a sense of resentment towards these
aspects of my social life since the out of control elements are essentially gone
now.
Letting Go of Unreasonable Expectations
A good way to let go of a solution that got stuck at a 7 is to acknowledge the
hopes and expectations you had about that solution which are not being
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satisfied. Then admit to yourself that theyre never going to be satisfied. Admit
that further progress is basically hopeless. The mistake you made was
upstream, and youre not going to fix it by forcing a downstream solution.
I can admit that it was unreasonable of me to expect that I could host an open
communication channel on a blog that attracts millions of readers and avoid the
problem of flooding. If I have an open channel, it will get flooded. I may be
able to reduce the volume of flooding, and I can semi-control how it gets
flooded, but I cant eliminate the problem entirely.
I can admit that expecting a high degree of maturity from channels where
people can hide behind anonymity was an unreasonable expectation. Some
people use anonymity to avoid accountability, so they can behave in ways
theyd never do in person. So if I participate in communication channels that
allow for anonymity, Ill always have to deal with those consequences.
I can admit that it was unreasonable to expect an online service company thats
focused on growth to slow down and fix serious problems with the user
experience, or to expect them to improve the user experience in ways that
would likely reduce their income, especially during a time when its business
model remains uncertain. That companys goals for their service are unlikely to
mesh well with my desires for the service. Its never going to be a truly
win-win relationship if their priorities are growth and money while my
priorities are connecting and communicating efficiently.
One pattern I can see in the above is too often assuming that other peoples
values align with my own. I dont go around spamming people, and if I share
something online, its linked to my real life identity. But I accept that its
unreasonable to expect everyone to behave similarly.
Where have you been suffering from unreasonable expectations that are
unlikely to be fulfilled? Did you expect something from your job that turned
out to be unrealistic in retrospect? Did you cast unreasonable expectations onto
a relationship partner?
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Is it possible youve also been making unreasonable expectations of yourself,
silently resenting yourself for not being as good as you hoped to be?
Admitting defeat here may sound like giving up, but I think its more akin to
growing up.
Enjoying the Silence
Once you identify and release your unrealistic expectations, forgive yourself.
So you screwed up. Learn from this and move on.
Its all well and good to set the bar high, but we need to make sure that we
choose the right vehicle for getting there. Otherwise well be subjecting
ourselves to a lot of frustration.
You probably wont get rich working at a regular job since that path rarely
leads to wealth. You probably wont enjoy a fulfilling relationship with
someone whos unwilling to communicate openly about problems. Those are
unreasonable expectations.
Once you do release that 7, what then? I think its nice to enjoy the silence for a
little while. So if you quit that not-quite-satisfying job, just enjoy its absence
first. If you leave an unfulfilling relationship, dont rush into a new one right
away.
Allow yourself to enjoy the absence of frustration. Celebrate the release of that
7. Really let it go physically, emotionally, and spiritually.
Changing Course
When you start craving some of the benefits you lost, begin moving in a
direction that you believe could yield an 8, 9, or 10. Dont try to return to the
old world. You already know that path is a dead end. Trust your earlier
judgment, and take a different path this time.
I learned that in order to create a more fulfilling social life, Ill have a better
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chance of creating an 8, 9, or 10 if I can avoid the problem of flooding as well
as the problems that arise from anonymity. A simple way to do that is to focus
on interacting with people offline and to stop using the Internet to invite new
social connections. In the offline world, I virtually never have those problems.
I like meeting new people. I like having deep discussions. I enjoy having a lot
of input, stimulation, and social variety. But in order to recreate the same type
of richness offline that I previously had on the online side, Im going to have to
walk a different path socially.
Because of all the social richness I enjoyed online, I could afford to be a bit
lazy with my offline socializing. I didnt need to rely on my local network as
much. Even when I wanted more in-person time with people, someone would
always be passing through Vegas that I could meet up with.
But Ive seen just how important it is to release the old before we can fully
invite the new. I was never quite motivated to build a rich offline social
network while I had so much going on via the Internet.
The Addictive Nature of 7s
Those 7s can actually be highly addictive. Theyre addictive because you only
get rewarded some of the time. Its the same reason gambling is addictive.
Its well established that intermittent positive reinforcement yields a stronger
conditioning effect than consistent positive reinforcement. The former keeps
your dopamine levels high, so the emotional reward you feel doesnt diminish
so much over time. This is because your brain stays locked into learning mode.
It keeps trying to figure out the pattern. If it cant figure out the pattern, it
keeps giving you emotional rewards for every perceived positive outcome. If
there is no pattern in the positive outcomes because the outcomes are random,
then your brain can never fully complete the learning cycle.
Online socializing, for instance, can be very addictive. Sometimes you check
email or Facebook and get a delightful outcome. Your dopamine surges, and
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you feel emotionally rewarded. Other times theres nothing, or you get a
negative outcome that may produce some cortisol or adrenaline. Its very much
like playing a slot machine.
This can also happen with in-person relationships. Those hot-cold relationships
that are sometimes really passionate and other times downright abusive can
actually create addiction as well. Its one reason people stay with abusive
partners. People stay in abusive jobs for similar reasons they still get those
intermittent, random rewards that condition them to stay.
In such situations we need to take a step back and ask ourselves where these
patterns are leading. You can try to fight your biology, or you can just accept
that this is how your brain works. Then you may decide that its best to opt out
of systems and solutions that cause you to get stuck in 7s and become addicted
to them.
Those 9s and 10s can be rewarding but without being addictive. Initially the
dopamine release conditions a positive association, but then the dopamine
levels trail off. At that point you can continue to do those activities by choice,
knowing that youll get a positive outcome, but its not going to be an addictive
feeling. You remain in control.
The point is that if you settle for a 7, you may be settling for a long-term
addiction. That addiction can blind you to the reality that your 7 will never
become a 9 or 10. Youre like the gambler who keeps playing in the hopes of
landing that big win, which only ensures youll lose big in the long run.
Restoring Hope
Changing course can be challenging, but what makes it exciting is the
restoration of hope. When you release a 7, you restore hope that you can and
will eventually experience an 8, 9, or 10. That alone can move you up a notch
or two.
I no longer have to settle for a 7 in this area. I can see a path to a 9 or 10. I can
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enjoy the benefits I desire while avoiding the blocks that made my social life
less than fulfilling in the past.
These days I get just a few emails per day, and most are from friends and
family. If I go on vacation for a few weeks, I dont have to return to a massive
backlog of communication. That is so nice!
Even nicer is that I no longer have to deal with the immature drama from the
forums and Facebook. No one is picking fights and then whining to me
afterwards.
Now I can post something on my blog, such as this article, and not receive any
feedback about it. A flood of feedback is just confusing and distracting anyway
since people never agree; in fact, they often argue with each other when
offering up their evaluations. I can easily live without that. Its more helpful to
rely on my own evaluation of what Ive shared.
Instead of putting more energy into channels that could only become 7s at best,
Im investing my energy into channels that can become 9s and 10s, which in
my case involves building a rich social network of people that I can connect
with face to face and whose company I enjoy.
9s and 10s Are Easier
One thing Ive learned is that the path to a 9 or 10 is often pretty simple. The 7s
are usually a lot more complicated.
Managing a busy online community is complicated. Inviting a friend over for
tea and sitting and talking for a few hours is easy.
The path to a 9 or 10 is also more rewarding that staying stuck at a 7. Seeing
and hearing someone laugh is nicer than reading an LOL. Saying goodbye with
a hug is better than logging off. A real smile is more fulfilling than an online
smiley.
After hanging out with a friend in person, I often say to myself, That was a
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really cool conversation. I should do that more often.
But I dont recall processing a bunch of emails and then saying to myself,
That was a really cool email session. I should do that more often.
Raising Your Vibe
When you let go of a 7 and release the associated stuckness, youll probably
notice a shift in your vibe. Life will feel a bit different than it did before. This
will help you become aware of new opportunities to create 9s and 10s that you
may not have noticed before.
In the past I felt so overloaded in trying to keep up with what was happening
online that I didnt have much motivation or energy to invite face to face
connections on top of that. Now that my energy has opened up in this area, Im
experiencing easy and spontaneous connections a lot more often.
I do feel that the Law of Attraction plays a role here. When were tolerating a
7, we block connections to 9s and 10s. Life cant help but notice when youre
saying yes to a 7. Its waiting on you to say no to that 7 before it can bring you
anything better.
Tolerating a 7 will induce you to lower your vibe to become a match for that 7.
You cant cling to a 7 and seriously intend a 9 or 10 to show up. I noticed this
effect in myself as I felt some resentment towards the hassles of dealing with
my online social life. Feeling resentment only attracts more experiences that
give rise to resentment. I certainly experienced plenty of that. Now that this
resentment is gone, I feel much more optimistic socially, and I keep seeing
evidence that the people around me are picking up on this too.
Presently Id rate my social life at about an 8 right now, which is higher than
its been in years. One thing that makes it an 8 is this newfound sense of
optimism I feel towards this part of my life. I truly believe that the path Im on
will eventually yield a 9 or 10.
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Dont underestimate the power of raising your vibe. If you cling to that 7, its
sure to drag you down. Youll be inclined to lower your standards, and you
may eventually feel that further improvement is hopeless. Youll begin to see
8s, 9s, and 10s as impossible or unrealistic. Theyre not impossible though.
Youve just made a wrong turn. Youre stuck in a dead end where forward
progress is exceedingly difficult. Reject the 7 first, then choose another path,
and hope will be restored. Quite often you wont even be able to see the 8s, 9s,
and 10s until youve released your grip on the 7.
Hope is a key aspect of growth. Its important to know and expect that we can
and will continue to improve. Without an honest expectation of improvement,
we face stagnation, which is stressful and tears us down.
If you feel like some part of your life is stuck and that creating an 8, 9, or 10
experience is highly unrealistic, then start releasing the pieces of that stuck
situation. Quit the job that keeps you stuck, and choose another path. Let go of
the unsatisfying relationship, and open yourself to new possibilities. Restore
hope once again.
Remember that the 7s arent there to trap you. Those 7s are there to help you
get clear about how to create your 8s, 9s, and 10s.
Uncopyrighted by Pavlina LLC, www.StevePavlina.com. Feel free to share.
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