A riotous collection of one liners, short jokes, and top quality football jokes...

If these don't register on your chuckle meter, check your pulse!

ONE LINERS

1. Wisdom is knowing what to do with what you know.

2. Ninety percent of politics is deciding who to blame.
3. Dogs have masters - cats have servants.
4. If ignorance is bliss, I guess that would explain why I'm so miserable.
5. The trouble with life is that you're half way through it before you realize it's a
do it yourself thing.
6. All the world's a stage and I've got an obstructed view.
7. I'm still not sure I understand ambiguity.
8. Space is an illusion. Disk space doubly so.
9. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
10. Nothing in life can hurt you - except of course barbed wire, but that's another
story.
11. Talk is cheap until you hire a lawyer.
12. Age is only important when it comes to dead fish and good wine.
13. If cars have horsepower, why don't boats have fishpower?
14.You learn something new every day - if you're not careful.
15. A horse walks into a bar. The barman says "why the long face?"
16. Somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note
on the windscreen saying ‘Parking Fine.’
17.Don't take life too seriously; you’re not getting out alive.
18. What streets do ghosts haunt? Dead ends!
19. With no walls or fences on the Internet, who needs Windows or Gates?
20. I used to be schizophrenic, but we're better now.
21. Impotence: nature's way of saying, "no hard feelings."
22. To err is human... to blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human;
in fact it is downright natural.
23. Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.
24. Computers aren't intelligent, they only think they are.
25. Teamwork is essential - it allows you to blame someone else.
26. Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
27. Why do 24 hour stores have locks on their doors?
28. Afghans can’t watch the news coz there’s a teleban.
 29.When I die I want to go in my sleep like my Grandfather did, not screaming like
the passengers in his car.

INSURANCE CLAIM FORM QUOTES

True extracts from UK Insurance Claim forms. These were collected by

Norwich Union for their annual Christmas magazine.

1. "A pedestrian hit me and went under my car"

2. "The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention."
3. "I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and
headed over the embankment."
4. "I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I thought."
5. "To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck the pedestrian."
6. "An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished."
7. "I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by
some stray cows."

MILITARY PERFORMANCE APPRAISALS

These Are Actual Lines Form Military Performance Appraisals "OERS"

(Officers Efficiency Reports):

1. A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.

2. A prime candidate for natural deselection.
3. Bright as Alaska in December.
4. One-celled organisms out score him in IQ tests.
5. Fell out of the family tree.
6. Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it.
7. If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.
8. If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
9. It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.
10. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.

OTHERS

• Judge: “Well, sir, I have reviewed this case and I have decided to give your wife
$700 a week.”
Husband: “That’s fair, your Honour. I’ll try to send her a few bucks myself.”
 • New born babies in these new state-of-the-art high tech delivery rooms come
out cordless!
• Cut up onions floating down a river can make a bridge on the river cry.
• A woman is sitting at a bar when a man approached her and says: “Hi, sweetie,
want a little company?
“Why?” asks the woman. “Do you have one to sell?”
• The trouble with jogging is that the ice falls out of your glass.
• Ever notice how many people are just dying to get into the cemetery?

FOOTBALL QUOTES

Original statements made by football players, managers etc.

• "That's great, tell him he's Pele and get him back on."
John Lambie, Partick Thistle manager, when told a concussed striker did not
know who he was.
• "I've told the players we need to win so that I can have the cash to buy some
new ones"
Chris Turner, Peterborough manager, before LC QF, 1992.
• "Tell the Kraut to get his ass up front. We don't pay a million for a guy to hang
around in defence."
NYCosmos executive, on Beckenbauer's positioning.
• "I spent a lot of my money on booze, birds and fast cars. The rest just
squandered"
George Best.
• "If we played like that every week we wouldn't be so inconsistent"
Bryan Robson, Man U, 1990.
• "I was saying the other day, how often the most vulnerable area, for goalies is
between their legs"
ANDY GRAY, SkySport
• Richard Keys: Well Roy, do you think that you'll have to finish above Manchester
United to win the league?
Roy Evans: You have to finish above everyone to win the league, Richard.
• "If you can't stand the heat in the dressing-room, get out of the kitchen."
TERRY VENABLES, Capital Gold
• "It's now 1-1, an exact reversal of the score on Saturday."
(Radio 5 Live)
• "Football today, it's like a game of chess. It's all about money."
(NEWCASTLE UNITED FAN, Radio 5 Live)
• "I don't believe in luck... but I do believe you need it."
ALAN BALL
• "Merseyside derbies usually last 90 minutes and I'm sure todays won't be any
different."
TREVOR BROOKING
• "Dumbarton player Steve McCahill has limped off with a badly cut forehead."
TOM FERRIE
• "And I honestly believe we can go all the way to Wembley...unless somebody
knocks us out."
DAVE BASSETT
• "What makes this game so delightful is that when both teams get the ball they
are attacking their opponents’ goal."
JIMMY HILL
• "Newcastle, of course, unbeaten in their last five wins."
BRIAN MOORE
• "Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in the air for even
longer."
DAVID ACFIELD
• "What I said to them at half time would be unprintable on the radio"
GERRY FRANCIS
• "If there weren't such a thing as football, we'd all be frustrated footballers."
Mick Lyons
• "He's one of those footballers whose brains are in his head"
Derek Johnstone - BBC TV Scotland
• "The crowd think that Todd handled the ball.... they must have seen something
that nobody else did"
Barry Davies (1975)
• "I can see the carrot at the end of the tunnel"
Stuart Pearce (1992)
• Jimmy Hill: Don't sit on the fence Terry, what chance do you think Germany has
got of getting through?
Terry Venables: I think it's fifty – fifty
• "And Arsenal now has plenty of time to dictate the last few seconds."
PETER JONES

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