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Active Participant
Parents need to be active participants in the life of their child. Your child learns by watching you,
so be aware of what you project. Embrace your parenting job with enthusiasm, compassion, a
sense of humor and a clear memory of what its like to be a child. Take the time to know your
childs personality and parent your child based on her strengths and weaknesses, according to
family relationship expert, Dr. Gary Smalley. If your child is loyal, consistent and compliant
because she wants your approval, a disapproving look or a soft word could rectify a misstep. A
strong-willed, take-charge and independent child, however, requires more discipline.
Nurturer
Whether you are male or female, you can nurture your child. You can demonstrate unconditional
love by addressing the behavior and not the character of the child when applying correction,
advises KidsHealth. Express forgiveness when your child shows remorse for a misdeed. If you
know what behaviors are mistakes or age-appropriate exploration, you can make allowances for
those behaviors in ways that encourage your child to grow and learn. Employ positive
reinforcement when you set limits and keep your expectations realistic and appropriate to your
childs development and abilities. Your toddler probably wont sit still for several hours and your
teen isnt going to blindly accept everything you say.
Teacher
A large part of your job as parent is to teach your child what he needs to become a productive
and responsible adult. Model the behavior you want to see and take advantage of teachable
moments to impart wisdom and common sense to your child. Your child will respond best to
lessons that are creative, fun and impart a sense of adventure and discovery, according to Dr.
Lisa Marotta, a private practice psychologist in Oklahoma City, Oklahoma. Set clear limits for
your childs behavior and employ logical consequences when your child complies or defies those
limits. Your child should know that you have confidence in his ability to learn and respond to
new challenges.
Communicator
Family communication isnt always easy, but it is a priority if you want to be an effective parent.
Actively listen when your child speaks, looking directly at her and making it clear that what she
has to say is important to you. You can validate her feelings and repeat the important points in
your own words to make sure youre both on the same page. Negotiate with your child,
presenting clear choices whenever possible. Always treat your child with kindness and respect,
giving praise and encouragement when you have the opportunity, advises Dr. Marotta.
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Express love and affection:
Love them unconditionally; don't force them to be who you think they should be in order
to earn your love. Let them know that you will always love them no matter what.
Avoid comparing your children to others, especially siblings. Each child is individual and
unique. Celebrate their differences and instill in each child the desire to pursue their
interests and dreams. Failure to do so may give your child an inferiority complex, an
idea that they can never be good enough in your eyes.
Teach your children that it is okay for them to be different, and they do not have to
follow the crowd. Teach them right from wrong when they are young, and they will
(more often than not) be able to make their own decisions, instead of listening
to/following others.
Remember that your child is not an extension of yourself. Your child is an individual
under your care, not a chance for you to relive your life through them.
Stop being judgmental and judging your child's friends they choose to talk to.
When your child acts out in a harmful and spiteful manner, tell him or her that
suchbehavior is unacceptable and suggest alternatives. Avoid statements such as:
"You're bad." "Go away!", etc. (as difficult as it may be to remain positive).
Be assertive yet kind when pointing out what they have done wrong. Be stern/serious,
but not cross or mean, when you tell them what you expect.
Avoid public humiliation. If they misbehave in public, take them aside, and scold them
privately.
Reasonably model the behavior and character you hope your children will adopt and
continue to live by the rules that you set. Show them by example in addition to verbal
explanations. Children have a tendency to become what they see and hear unless they
make a conscious and concerted effort to break the mold.
A child may have an opposite disposition, ie: introverted when you are extroverted, for
instance; and not be able to fit into the pattern and style that you choose, but will make
ones own decisions.
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Be consistent:
Enforce rules that apply to every person leading a happy and productive life -- notmodel
rules of your ideal/dream person.
Enforce the same rules all the time, and resist your child's attempts to manipulate you
into making exceptions.
Communicate clearly. Children should be very familiar with the consequences of their
actions. If you give them a punishment, be sure they understand the reason and the
fault, if you cannot articulate the reason and how they are at fault the punishment will
not have the discouraging effects you desire.
Life is a great teacher. Don't be too quick to rescue your child from the results of their
own actions if the consequences are not overly severe. Example: Cutting themselves
may hurt, but it's better than leaving them unaware of why sharp objects should be
avoided.
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Listen to them:
Express interest in your children and involve yourself in his and her life.
Create an atmosphere in which they can come to you with a problem however large or
small.
Want to teach kids about charity? Get involved and take your kids with you to a soup
kitchen or homeless shelter and help serve up meals. Explain to them why you do acts
of charity so they understand why they should.
Teach kids about chores by setting a schedule and having them help you out. Don't tell
your child to do something, but ask for their help. The earlier they learn to help you, the
longer they will be willing to.
Want your kids to listen to you? Show them you can listen to them.
If you want your son or daughter to learn to share, set a good example and share your
things with them.
Give up your vices. Gambling, alcohol and drugs can jeopardize your child's
financial security. Smoking, for example, almost always introduces health
hazards to your child's environment. Second-hand smoke has been linked to
several respiratory ailments in children. It could also contribute to the early death
of a parent. Alcohol and drugs might also introduce health hazards or violence to
your child's environment.
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Help them feel safe:
Respect their privacy as you would want them to respect yours; for example, if you
teach your child that your room is out of boundaries to them, respect the same with their
room. Allow them to feel that once they enter their room they can know that no one will
look through their drawers, or read their diary.
Let your child live his/her life and let them make their own choices in life.
Instill in them, a sense of belonging by displaying individual and family portraits on the
walls of the house.
Don't argue with your spouse in front of the children. If they are sleeping, argue quietly.
Children may feel insecure and fearful when they hear parents bickering. In addition,
children will learn to argue with each other the same way they hear their parents argue
with each other. Show them that when people disagree, they can discuss their
differences peacefully.
Give your child some space and let them choose what they want to do with their life.
Avoid favoritism. Surveys have shown that most parents have favorites, but most
children believe that they are the favorite. If your children are quarreling, don't choose
sides, but be fair and neutral.
Avoid rescuing them. Help your kids know their options, and the consequences
of each one, then both you and they live with whatever option they select,
generally.
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Provide order:
Set boundaries such as bedtimes and curfews, so they learn that they have limitations.
By doing so, they actually get a sense of being loved and cared about by their parents.
They might rebel at those boundaries, but inwardly enjoy knowing that concerned
parents guide and love them.
Teach them what is right and wrong. If you are religious, take them to the religious
institute that you follow. If you are an atheist or an agnostic, teach them your moral
stance on things. In either case, don't be hypocritical or be prepared for your child to
point out that you are not "practicing what you preach".
Make sure that they have a healthy way of life. Many parents do this the wrong way.
Instead of forcing children to try eating something, give them a choice between two
things. It can push children, especially preteens and up, to a very emotional point, if you
begin to harp for them to change their eating habits. If they want something unhealthy,
suggest an alternative or a smaller size. If you know they favor a certain unhealthy food
at a restaurant, taking them there a lot is not good. And if you startover-explaining to the
child that it is unhealthy or that they shouldn't get it -- they may take it the wrong way
and feel like you are insulting them. Once this happens, they will no longer want to go
out to eat with you, and they will feel bad eating around you which could make them
want to sneak and hide junk food from you. When you tell them they can't have
something or shouldn't... it can create one of two things. One, it could make them want it
even more and find out how to get it anyways. Two, it could make them feel extremely
bad (contrary/oppositional), and they might go all out with all unhealthy foods except
that one which could be worse than giving choices to get cooperation.
When trying to enforce healthy eating habits, start it at a younger age. Giving rewards of
candy to children may create a bad habit, because once they get older, some may feel
they should reward themselves which can lead to obesity. While they are young, start
them out with healthier snacks. Instead of chips, try goldfish (crackers), grapes, etc. The
eating habits they learn as they are younger are the ones they continue to have. Also,
never make your child finish their plate, if they say they are hungry. This can continue
throughout their life causing them to finish no matter what portions are on their plate.
Don't routinely do things for your children that they can learn to do for themselves. While
getting them a glass of water before bed is a nice way to make them get to sleep faster,
don't do it so often that they come to expect it.
Allow your kids to experience life for themselves. Don't make decisions for
them all the time; they must learn how to live with the consequences from the
choices they make. After all, they will have to learn to think for themselves
sometime. It's best they start when you are there to help minimize the negative
consequences and accentuate the positive ones. They need to learn that their
own actions have consequences (good and bad). By doing so, it helps them to
become good decision makers and problem solvers so that they are prepared for
independence and adulthood.
Spend a lot of time with your kids and love them with all your heart. Be careful not
to stifle/smother them, however. There's a big difference between protecting someone
and imprisoning them within your too unyielding demands.
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Spend time with each child individually: try to divide your time equally if you have
more than one child.
Listen and respect your child and respect what they want to do with their life.
Set aside a day to go to a park, theme parks, museum or library depending on their
interests.
Attend school functions. Do homework with them. Visit their teacher at open house.
Even if it means taking some time away from work. Remember that children grow fast,
and soon will be on their own. Your boss may or may not remember that you missed
that meeting, but your child will most certainly remember that you didn't attend the play
they were in.
Tips
Reflect on your own childhood frequently. Identify mistakes your parents made, and
make an effort to avoid passing them on to the next several generations. Every
generation of parents/children gets to make a whole set of new successes and/or
mistakes.
Don't live your life through them. Let them make their own choices and live their life how
they want to.
If you're trying to quit a habit yourself, look into groups that can help you overcome it.
Always get support, and have someone you can talk to when you begin to get a craving
for your habit. Remember that you're not only helping yourself, but you're helping your
child as well.
A teen who is on the brink of adulthood needs the support of a parent more than ever.
Do not think that just because they are almost 18 or 21 years old that you can leave
them to figure it all out on their own. Do not intervene/interfere unnecessarily, however.
You have to walk a fine line.
Address your needs to be loved, but value your children's needs over others. Do not
abandon your children for your love interests. Make your child a priority when you are
dating, and do not put your child in danger by introducing someone new into the
household that you do not know well. Children need to feel safe, secure and loved. If
you are suddenly leaving them out and not addressing their needs in order to tend to a
new boyfriend or girlfriend, your children will grow to feel insecure and abandoned. Love
is needed by everyone, but not at the expense of your child's emotional health. This
also applies to older children.
Don't belittle their choice in friends. Furthermore, try to maintain your own friendships.
Do not share your own past misbehavior with your children because they will compare
themselves to you and thus, expect less from themselves. "So! You were like that too".
Warnings
Do not strictly follow the parental behavioral stereotypes of your culture, race, ethnic
group, family, or other defining factor. Please do not believe that there is only one way
to raise a child.
Do not be afraid to be a parent. Do your best, be their friend, but never let them forget
you are their parent, not a collaborator.
Parenting does not stop when a child grows up. Being a good parent remains a life-long
role. But remember that once they become adults, the decisions they make in life are
ultimately theirs with their consequences.
http://godhungry.org/2005/09/11/top-ten-characteristics-of-a-good-parent-conclusion/ 12
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Conclusion
A good parent prays for his/her children. One of he greatest privileges I have as a parent
is to pray for my children. It occurred to me a few years ago, if Im not praying for my
children, then who is? I pray for my children in both the big and little things of life. I
pray for their protection against the evil one. Most of all, I pray that they might come to
love God and treasure him above all else.
A good parent is gracious. Her children see the way their mom treats people. They see
her graciousness in the way she talks with the person at H.E.B. or Walmart. They
witness graciousness in the way mom or dad relates to their friends. These children see
graciousness in the way their parents relate to one another. No smart aleck talk between
mom and dad. No put downs. These parents exude grace.
Good parents understand that kids first learn about the grace of God not in theological
explanations but in lives of their mom and dad.
A good parent builds an atmosphere of encouragement. Youve seen them. Moms and
dads who love their children and yet, for whatever reason, constantly discourage and
frustrate them. This may be the dad who regularly second guesses his son or
daughter. He communicates doubt instead of confidence. Consequently, his son or
daughter grows up to be hesitant, afraid to step out and risk, and unsure of himself. A
good parent communicates that she believes in her children. Regardless of their age,
children need parents who are encouragers.
A good parent creates an atmosphere of joy and laughter at home. I know a father who
looks like he is miserable much of the time. I suspect there is little laughter in his
home. How sad! Our children live in a tough world. At school they may feel
tremendous social pressure, hear many put downs, and yet have to deal with the
pressure of grades, the future, etc. Home should be a place where we look forward to
being at the end of the day. A good parents works to create a home that is a place of
warmth, acceptance, and laughter.
A good parent realizes that one of the best gifts that he can offer his children is
himself. Too many parents try to buy their way to their childrens hearts. Ive been
around many teens during the last eight years. I have not known any who I thought were
deprived by having to drive an older model car, etc. However, I have known a number
of teens whose parents were too busy for them and unavailable emotionally. I have
known several who received no moral or spiritual direction from their parents,
whatsoever. Consequently, these kids felt as if their parents really did not know what
was going on in their lives not to mention their hearts. My children need a parents who
is fully engaged in their lives.
When my children were small, I would generally run every morning. I remember them
asking me a few times, Why do you run, Daddy? My general answer was, so I can
be your Daddy longer. That is true on many levels. I bless my children when I take
care of myself. When I spend time in daily prayer, reading Scripture, and perhaps
reading a book that feeds me, I bless my children. I want to give them a dad (or mom)
that takes care of himself.
- See more at: http://godhungry.org/2005/09/11/top-ten-characteristics-of-a-goodparent-conclusion/#sthash.L4xB38mA.dpuf
Parenting is difficult work but can ultimately be so rewarding. In the meantime, know
that we are all learning (or should be learning). The following are some reflections
regarding wisdom and parenting.
Wise Parents Teach Their Children to Accept Responsibility.
They dont spend a lot of time blaming other people. It is easy to get into the habit of
blaming others for the behavior of your children. Its the coachs fault. Its the teachers
fault. Its the youth ministers fault. The larger issue is if I am teaching my child to
accept responsibility or to blame others when things go wrong.
Wise Parents Allow Their Children to Experience the Consequences of Behavior.
Youve seen this person. This parent will not allow his child to experience pain as the
natural consequence of the childs behavior. If he throws a toy out the window of a
moving car, the toy is gone! If she throws a tantrum in Toys-R-Us, we leave the store
without a toy. Far too many parents verbally fuss at their children but instill no real
consequences.
Wise Parents Look Down the Road.
What is the future going to be like if things continue the way they are now? You either
pay now or you pay later. Parenting is hard work. If you refuse to address misbehavior
when children are young, you (and they) will ultimately pay for it. For instance, if your
child fusses and whines, you may be able to stop this by going to McDonalds for a treat.
When she gets ice cream, she may stop fussing for a while, but think about what this
child is learning: If I want something or if I am disagreeable, mom and dad will buy me
something to make me feel better. I once overheard a parent requesting that others let
his child win at a game so that he would feel good. What?
Wise Parents Love Their Children for Who They Are.
You may have a child who has special needs. Your child may have physical or emotional
issues that need to be addressed. Perhaps your child has great difficulty reading, doing
math, or just keeping up. Sometimes parents will get caught up in wanting to create a
good impression before friends or in what their friends say regarding their children. We
may constantly talk about how incredibly amazing and wonderful our children are. One
parent is talking about their gifted and talented son. The other parent is talking about
their daughter who was chosen for this or that award. Meanwhile, many, many parents
are silent as they wonder why their children struggle so much. Dont get caught up in
your childs feeling inferior or different. Your child needs to be loved just as she is.
Wise Parents Dont Try to Fill Their Own Emptiness by Using Their Children.
Youve seen him. Hes the dad who is almost living vicariously through his son. He goes
ballistic with the coaches. He never stops talking about his sons athletic performance.
In fact, all he ever says about his son is what he did in the last game. As one young man
said, My dad only sees me as a football player. That is all he talks about with me. Maybe
it is the mother who pushes her daughter to date the quarterback. She pushes her
teenage daughter to run with a popular crowd and date popular people. She lives
vicariously through her daughter. Wise parents dont use a child to somehow satisfy
their own emptiness.
Stay Proactive
For many parents, outside stressors affect how well they raise their children. According to the American Academy of Pediatrics,
parents should write down a list of stresses that affect their life daily and think of ways to handle these difficulties. Your list
might encompass stresses you have to face at work, your living conditions, your current lifestyle and your personal relationships.
Getting rid of these stresses can improve parent and child relationships.
Build Self-esteem
Helping a child build his self-esteem gives him the confidence he needs for a successful future. From the time he is a baby, your
tone of voice, your comments and your expressions affect your child. Offer praise often, even in the small things. If he puts toys
away, even if theyre not in the correct spot, say, You did so great taking care of your toys. Youre such a big boy! Encourage
him as much as you can whether its playing at the park, meeting new friends or playing at home.
Make Time
Whether you stay home with your daughter or work full time and come home exhausted, set aside time. Take 15 minutes to play
with her and her favorite toy or color in a coloring book. Even a toddler feels more important when you take time to get down on
her level and do something she enjoys. If youre tight on time, let her help you with tasks. She can help add ingredients for dinner
or stir ingredients together. She can help you sort laundry or put it in the washer or dryer.
Set an Example
Children, younger ones especially, watch everything you do. Pay attention to how you handle anger with others. If you dont
handle your anger well, it sets a bad example. If you face disappointments, show a good example in your reactions. Treat others
the way you want your son to treat others. Teach your son to respect others, their feelings and their opinions by doing the same
with him.
Discipline
Discipline is one of the toughest roles as a parent. You might be afraid if you discipline your daughter she wont like you
anymore, but discipline helps her learn self-control and enables her to set limits later in life. Even as babies, children can learn
the meaning of the word no. Set up rules that your daughter will understand and have consequences in place for breaking the
rules. With young children, a consequence might be losing a privilege such as a favorite toy or being put in timeout. Most of all,
stay consistent with the consequences.
Know Yourself
As you settle into the role of parent, know yourself. Unresolved feelings from your childhood can hinder an emotional connection
with your son. Address any traumas from your childhood through counseling or talking with a loved one. Realize that youre not
perfect and even good parents make mistakes. Remind yourself that you love your child and you are doing the best you can.