Double Commitment

How to Double Commitment
By Mia Summers
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Copyright 2007 MeetYourSweet.com
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::: 3 :::
Contents
How to Double Commitment in Your Relationship
Chapter 1.
What IS Commitment? Commitment Defined
Mutuality in Relationships
Commitment Defined
Spontaneity in Relationships
9
11
12
Chapter 2.
15
Why Do You Want to Increase Your Relationships Commitment Level?
15
1. Increasing Commitment Due to Cultural Conditioning.

16
2. Increasing Commitment Out of Fear
18
3. Increasing Commitment Because the Relationship Is More Real That Way 20
The Best Reason for Wanting To Increase Commitment
22
Chapter 3.
23
How Likely Is Your Partner to Commit To You?
23
Communication
Common Goals
Bring Out the Best in Each Other
Make Love an Action Word
Balance Me Time with We Time
24
26
28
29
29
::: 4 :::
Chapter 4.
32
Things That Dont Help Grow Commitment
32
1. Inadvertently Suffocating Your Partner

2. Hint-Dropping
3. Dont Let Things Slide
32
34
34
Chapter 5.
38
Commitment-Phobes: If They Wont Commit, Are They Even Able To Commit?38

What to Do If Your Partners Having a Hard Time Committing
40
Afterword
45
From First Dates to Soul Mates
45
::: 5 :::
How to Double Commitment

by Mia Summers
::: 6 :::
Chapter 1.
What IS Commitment? Commitment Defined
Commitment is a pretty big word, both in our society and in relationships
at large.
To commit to something literally means to pledge yourself to a position or an
issue. A commitment is essentially a vow: a pact.
When you commit to something, you pledge yourself to it and make your
intentions absolutely clear.
When it comes to commitment in terms of relationships, that definition tends
to get a little blurred. Many people make the mistake of thinking that to be
committed to something like a relationship there has to be an element of
need present.
In other words, theres the idea that to be committed to someone, there needs
to be some external factor present like a mortgage, children, or a joint
business which links you to that person; e.g., you cant be committed to
them without needing to have them in your life.
This is nonsense. Commitment in relationships is all about wants, not
needs.
Need and dependency are issues that are strongly similar. Theyre interlinked.
When you need someone, youre essentially dependent on them for something,
whether that something is financial resources, a self-esteem boost, emotional
security, whatever.
If youre dependent on your partner, or you want them to be dependent on
you thinking, perhaps, that commitment is all about needing someone that
raises a red flag!
In fact, dependency and commitment arent related at all. Dependency
actually kills off genuine commitment.
When you need someone, or youre dependent on them, spontaneity doesnt
::: 7 :::
even come into the question. Need is need, and theres no element of
choice about it when needs, not wants, are the issue, words like trapped,
desperate, and stuck come to mind.
Commitment, on the other hand, is a spontaneous thing: a couple that are
committed to one another have chosen to live in that manner because they
want to, not because they have to.
Remember that word: spontaneous. The element of choice of spontaneity is very important to a good, strong, long-term relationship.
Without choice, either one or both parties are bound to feel beholden to the
other. Questions of inequality get called up.
Resentment begins to grow.
The concept of need naturally introduces an element of potential desperation,
or fear, into the definition of a relationship: usually, fear that the source of that
need will be taken away, and/or the fear of being powerless.
Well discuss the issue of fear in greater detail later on. For now, I think it
will suffice to leave you with an interesting quote that sums up my point
perfectly.
Ready?
The opposite of love is fear.
Take a second to think about it.
Most people think that the opposite of love is hate a strong, aggressive
sensation of irrepressible loathing and disgust.
I disagree. I think the opposite of love is fear, not hate.
To me, love is all about equality: mutual power and the simultaneous absolute
lack of power.
That phrase may sound confusing the first time you read it, so take a moment
to think about what I mean.
::: 8 :::
Mutuality in Relationships
Ill say it again:
Love is all about equality: mutual power
and the simultaneous absolute lack of power.
Love is absolute, mutual trust: youve entrusted someone with absolute control
over your heart, emotions, and life; you do so because you trust them. With
genuine love, this is a mutual deal, hence the idea of power (you hold this
persons heart in your hands) combined with the absolute lack of it (since
theyve got your heart in their hands!).
Fear, on the other hand, is all about inequality and powerlessness. Fear is
an essential component of an unbalanced relationship for example, a
relationship where one person is less committed than the other.
This lack of equality leaves the more-committed person feeling fear: fear that
the other might leave them; fear that theyre being taken for a ride; fear that
their heart will be broken.
Theres nothing good to be found in fear;
its an intensely negative, anxiety-ridden
emotion. Nothing positive can come out
of it.
Fear and love cannot

exist simultaneously.
Fear is an unhealthy thing to associate with your relationship. It will kill off
the love, if you allow it to, and replace it with resentment and deep-seated
anxiety.
Fear and love cannot exist simultaneously. If youre scared of a possible
consequence that might eventuate in relation to your partner or your
relationship, then that fear will negatively affect your love.
For example, lets say that you feel that you need your partner, or that you
depend on your partner, and youre afraid that their level of commitment
might be less than yours.
::: 9 :::
Well, its pretty difficult to get truly comfortable, and allow your true self free
reign, in a relationship where youre constantly worrying about your partners
commitment to you.
The original, positive feelings that you had about the relationship (love,
admiration, affection, security) are gradually replaced by negative ones
(anxiety, fear, worry about the future, resentment for being made to feel that
way).
Do you see how, over time, this sort of thing will naturally lessen your love
and your commitment to that relationship?
Its not anybodys fault per se, but its a definite truth. Because how can you
be truly, genuinely, effortlessly committed to a relationship which, directly or
indirectly, spawns feelings of powerlessness, anxiety, and fear?
Which leads me back to the original question: what is commitment?
What is commitment?
::: 10 :::
Commitment Defined
My definition of commitment is that it is something that evolves naturally and
effortlessly out of true, balanced love, and open, honest communication.
If two people in a relationship are being honest about themselves and their
lives, and theyre capable of loving each other for who they really are, then
commitment the desire to stay together and support one another will
spring naturally from that love and honesty.
When it comes to defining commitment, Im going to ask you to remember
two basic facts.
1. Commitment is not about need. Commitment is about wanting, not
needing.
Remember, need and dependency are interlinked. When you need
someone in the true sense of need, not just the ideal of poetic
flattery the element of fear is called up.
2. Remember that fear and love cannot exist simultaneously. When
the emotion of fear is suggested in relation to your partner or your
relationship, it negatively affects the level and quality of your love.
So need engenders fear, which in turn kills off the love.
Contrary to popular belief, need is the antithesis to commitment!
Now put the shoe on the other foot. Just as commitment is not about you
depending on your partner, it is also not about trying to get them to depend
on you, either.
Trying to get someone to need you, out of a desire
to increase their ties to the relationship, or a fear
that they might leave you, is deeply unhealthy.
In fact, its almost parasitic. A true relationship
one thats balanced, genuine, healthy, and loving
is based on mutual want, not need.
Need engenders
fear, which in
turn kills off the
love.
::: 11 :::
It doesnt matter whether that need is one-sided or mutual: a relationship

based on dependency is going to be unstable, no matter what else it has going
for it.
A good relationship is one where both partners are mutual in their spontaneous
love and commitment to the other one. The two key words here are mutual
and spontaneous.
Weve already talked about the importance of mutuality to a balanced
relationship; so lets take a quick look at the importance of spontaneity.
Spontaneity in Relationships
Spontaneity, in a relationship, is about unrestrainedly experiencing emotion
and affection.
Unfortunately, some people often, people who wish their partner to be more
attached and committed to them attempt to use strategies and techniques in
an effort to increase their partners commitment to them.
Effectively, they try to manipulate their partners feelings.
Remember this: it is not your job to try to make anybody else feel anything.
To try to do so is not only manipulative and reminiscent of self-deification
(playing God, in other words), but its also pretty much impossible!
Ill say it again:
You cannot make anyone feel anything.
As this statement relates to commitment, it basically means that you cannot
find ways to get someone to commit to you. Commitment is something that
evolves organically, in its own way, when the time is right.
It cant be sped along, or helped along the way, or forced into existence, by
any manipulative efforts on anyones behalf.
::: 12 :::
To increase your partners genuine love and commitment to you, all you can
do is to be as whole, compassionate, and authentic as you can be: to be your
real, honest self, and to refrain from manipulative behavior.
For example, some women might go to huge efforts
to dress sexually and spend a great deal of time and
effort on their hair, nails, and makeup, because they
feel that if they look attractive, their partner will
reciprocate with an engagement ring.
Another example might be the person who agrees
to sign a mortgage on a house with their partner,
because they know that that mortgage means that
their partner has to stay with them until its been
paid off.
It is not your
job to try to
make anybody
else feel
anything.
This idea of reciprocity of doing things in order to get something out of it is

unhealthy in the extreme.
Commitment is not about manipulation; its not about doing things to get
something out of it.
Trying to force someone to depend on you, in a hope that it will increase their
commitment to the relationship, is more likely to result in resentment than
anything else.
Manipulation will not help the relationship, or you as a person; itll just drive
the other person away.
True commitment develops without pressure or force.
These things kill commitment off, not foster its growth. Commitment can only
develop naturally: the best environment for it to grow is one of peace and
trust.
Something else for you to think about (warning: this may shake you up a little
bit), is that if you feel as though you have to scheme, plan, and strategize ways
to convince your partner that youre fabulous and worth committing to, thats
actually not a good sign.
::: 13 :::
I am NOT going to provide you with a program for getting someone to commit
to you, because like Ive already said nothing you can do will make anyone
increase their commitment.
Instead, I am going to supply you with information about your own motives
for wanting to increase the commitment levels in the first place. Well then
take a look at how likely your partner is to commit to you in the long run;
and finally, give you ideas for improving the overall quality and health of your
relationship because commitment springs naturally from a healthy, loving
relationship, not because youve followed an X-Y-Z formula.
If you do feel as though you need to figure out techniques for getting your
partner to be more committed to you, well, that could mean one of two
things:
1. This person is not a likely candidate for commitment to anyone right
now, or
2. This person, and your relationship with this person, may actually not
be the best choice for you at the moment.
Well deal with this concept in more detail in Chapter Four, but in the
meantime, its just something that Id like you to bear in mind for now.
Dont reject it outright, and dont embrace it wholeheartedly quite yet either;
just put it into a holding pattern in a quiet corner of your mind, and well
discuss it further later on in this book.
And now, lets take a look at the reasons that you have for wanting to increase
the commitment level of your relationship in the first place. Examining your
motives will enable you to take the best course of action, and should yield
some useful knowledge about your relationship, too!
It is not your job to try to make

anybody else feel anything.
::: 14 :::
Chapter 2.
Why Do You Want to Increase Your Relationships Commitment
Level?
Its always a good idea to examine your motives for anything you do
particularly, your motives for the actions you take which relate to your
relationship.
Often, in matters of the heart (like love), we take action to resolve things that
we see as problems, without really thinking about why were doing it.
Sometimes, this habit of blindly following instinct and desire can lead us
down the wrong path. Perhaps we end up perpetuating a situation that isnt
really good for us, or we end up spending a lot of time and energy in chasing
goals that we havent really considered in the long run.
In addition to the merits of motive-consideration in terms of getting us to think
about whether or not what we think we want is actually what we want, it can
also yield a lot of information about the relationship that youre trying to work
on.
Your reasons for trying to increase the commitment levels in your relationship
can tell you a lot about the weak points of that relationship, or areas that
could do with some improvement. Its a valuable way of taking inventory of
the overall health of your relationship.
So what do you think your reasons are for wanting to increase the commitment
level of your relationship?
There are three common reasons for wishing to increase commitment levels
in a relationship, which were going to look at now.
::: 15 :::
1. Increasing Commitment Due to Cultural Conditioning.

One of the most common reasons for feeling a need to increase the
relationships commitment levels is something called cultural conditioning.
Our society conditions people women in particular, but men almost as
much to believe that if theyre not married, or if their partner doesnt want
to marry them (or otherwise openly demonstrate their solid commitment to
a long-term relationship), then their situation must be somehow lacking in
some important and necessary qualities. Their relationship must somehow be
inferior.
They believe that if that relationship proceeds
for a certain amount of time without a concrete
move towards real, tangible commitment
usually, a wedding ring - that theyre somehow
missing out on something.
Another common reaction is to take from the
situation that there must be something wrong
with them personally that theyre undesirable,
or not marriage material, or that they have
an unattractive personality.
If this is the case with you, I suggest that you
take a deep look inside and consider your
motives for wanting to get married in the first
place.
Often, in matters
of the heart (like
love), we take
action to resolve
things that we see as
problems, without
really thinking
about why were
doing it.
Why is it so important to you to get married? Is it for reasons of self-esteem:

that youd somehow feel better about yourself if you had a ring on your finger,
or the piece of paper that proves youre married?
Is it for reasons of financial security?
Is it for the promise of forever?
Or perhaps you just feel like the relationship is stuck in a superficial,
unsatisfying rut, and that a proposal of marriage would help to mix things up
a bit and make the relationship more satisfying.
::: 16 :::
Unfortunately, theres a bit of an issue here. Statements of commitment, like

marriage, are just that: outward statements of an inner truth.
If those outward statements have been coaxed into being by pressure from
you (for example, hinting, nagging, asking outright), or are birthed out of
falseness (for example, if you manipulated a higher level of commitment into
being), then that outward statement will be shallow and meaningless.
Why not just

relax and enjoy
your wonderful
relationship?
Like commitment itself, for gestures of commitment

like a marriage proposal to signify a real move
towards healthy, long-term commitment, they must
be genuine and spontaneous.
Ill say it again if you feel as though youve got to
manipulate someone into seeing that you are the
one for them, then you need to be aware that the
very necessity of those manipulations signifies that
that relationship is probably not the best one for you.
Lets look at it from another perspective. Lets say your relationship is great
the two of you get along fabulously, you love each other, and you know you
want to be with each other for a long time.
Well, in that case, then whats the rush? Why not just relax and enjoy your
wonderful relationship?
Being married isnt going to change anything, or make your relationship
somehow more. If that happenstance evolves naturally and organically in
its own time, then thats great but its not something that can be forced into
being.
Remember the importance of spontaneity!
For a gesture of commitment to be worth anything at all, it needs to spring
spontaneously from a balanced relationship.
When I say balanced, I mean that both people in that relationship need to
be in accordance with each other that this level of commitment and this
relationship is definitely what they want.
::: 17 :::
If either person is uncertain to any degree at all then the meaning of that
gesture (like a marriage proposal) is automatically cancelled out.
Remember, the state of being married isnt the end youre aiming for here
its the state of being which encourages the growth of the relationship into
marriage.
What I mean is this: the ring on your finger isnt
your ultimate goal. Its merely a symbol that
that ultimate goal a balanced, healthy, mutual
relationship has been achieved.
Remember the
importance of
spontaneity!
So if a proposal of marriage has been coaxed into existence by either member

of the relationship, instead of being something thats just evolved naturally,
then theres a problem; because inequality naturally signifies instability in a
relationship, and thats bad news for everyone concerned.
So, no matter what your situation is whether youre trying to fix an unbalanced
relationship, or whether youre trying to get some sort of commitment-trophy
out of an already-satisfying relationship trying to force commitment isnt the
answer to your problems.
2. Increasing Commitment Out of Fear

Another really common reason for wanting to increase the commitment level
of the relationship is because youre afraid that your partner may leave you.
The key word in this sentence is afraid.
Now, weve already spent a fair amount of time discussing why fear and love/
commitment are mutually exclusive, so well just briefly touch on this here.
Fear engenders the sort of panicky desperation that actually drives people
away.
If you hold on too tight, you end up smothering your partner. Do you think
that being suffocated will make them want to hold on to you tighter?
::: 18 :::
NO!
It makes them want to struggle out of your embrace and flee for the hills in
the opposite direction.
Remember: a relationship thats based on fear is unstable.
The only way to really get around this fear is to learn to embrace the present
moment. This might sound a little simplistic Oh, sure, like thatll work.
But trust me: simple is good. Simple works!
There are few guarantees in life. There is certainly never any guarantee that
your partner will stick with you forever not even if theyve said that they
will.
A relationship
thats based on
fear is unstable.
Not even if youve got a ring on your finger.

Not even if theyve signed a legally-binding
document promising to do so.
Not even if theyve got your name tattooed onto
their body!
To get over this fear, you really do need to learn to find peace in the present
moment. Time spent seeking the goal, striving for that achievement, trying to
get somewhere in your relationship is essentially wasted time.
If youre afraid that your partners going to leave you, then you need to sit
down with them and have an honest talk with them about it. Even if you get
them to make some sort of verbal commitment to you, that still wont cancel
out the truth that for whatever reason your gut instincts are telling you that
somethings off.
After all, if you were completely secure and relaxed, you wouldnt feel as
though you needed to extract commitment from your partner. Youd already
sense that they were committed to you, and would be content with things as
they are.
::: 19 :::
So: if youre afraid that they might leave you, you need to take steps to
address that issue with your partner. Its not something that you can fix by
playing mind-games and attempting to manipulate them into increasing their
commitment to you; you need to talk to your partner about your feelings and
give them the information they need to take care of you.
Well talk more about how to communicate openly, assertively, and honestly
in Chapter Three (How Likely Is Your Partner To Commit?).
3. Increasing Commitment Because the Relationship Is More Real That Way

Sometimes, people wish to intensify the commitment level of their relationship
out of a desire to get to the real part of the relationship.
Not out of fear that their partner will leave, or out of boredom, or a need
for change; simply out of a desire to rush through the initial stages of the
relationship to get to the good stuff.
Again, if this is the case with your own relationship, I suggest that you slow
right down. No stage of the relationship is any more real than the other
stages the early days are just as important, fulfilling, and satisfying, as the
later, more ostensibly committed stages.
Youre not going to gain anything by hoping to
speed the process up somehow think of your
growing relationship like a house being built.
Every house needs a solid foundation, a sound
infrastructure, and carefully constructed walls and
supports before it is safe to live in.
If your houses construction is being rushed if
corners are being cut, a slipshod jobs being done
on the basics of the structure, important steps are
being hurried or skipped altogether then that
house will never be safe to live in.
It could come
collapsing down
around you at any
moment.
You might end up with the outward semblance of a house faster than you
otherwise would have, but in reality, that house isnt safe.
::: 20 :::
It could come collapsing down around you at any moment.

By rushing through the early stages of your relationship, youre exchanging the
time that youve saved by cutting corners for at least an equal expenditure
of time further down the track.
Even though you might feel as though youve achieved something by hurrying
ahead and saving time, such rushing does not bode well for the future.
Essentially, youve exchanged some time right now, for a lot of time in the
future! At some point in the future and likely, at many points in the future
- youre going to need to invest time, energy, and effort in identifying and
repairing the damage to your house thats occurred as a direct result of hurrying
through the basic construction process.
It could come collapsing down around you at any moment. youre laying
the foundations for your future. The foundations are vitally important to
the structure that youre going to end up with in the long term theyre not
something you should rush!
Remember, just because youve got a ring on your finger, or because somebody
says that theyll stick with you forever, or because youve got a marriage
contract on paper, that doesnt mean that anything about your relationship is
going to change. The belief that it will is nothing but a harmful myth.
The truth: genuine, lasting, meaningful commitment cannot be rushed. It has
to grow on its own, in an environment of mutual trust and love. Anything else,
and the end result will be nothing but a shallow sham.
So relax, slow down, and learn to embrace the moment enjoy the current
moment as it exists right now, both for yourself, and for the long-term health
of your relationship.
It could come collapsing

down around you at any moment.
::: 21 :::
The Best Reason for Wanting To Increase Commitment

So weve looked at all the wrong reasons for why most people want to increase
the commitment levels of their relationship.
Weve looked at why fear isnt a valid reason; why the desire for change isnt
a good reason; and why using commitment to validate the relationship isnt a
good reason, either.
So what is a good reason?
Well isnt it obvious?
The best reason for wanting to increase the commitment level in your
relationship is love.
When you truly love someone, youre naturally
committed to them emotionally. You want to put in
the effort. You want to stay with this person, because
life just feels better and more enjoyable when the
two of you are together.
You want to grow your relationship youre
naturally interested in increasing and improving
the quality and depth of your communication and
interpersonal honesty, and you want to be the best
partner that you can be to this person.
The best reason

for wanting to
increase the
commitment
level in your
relationship is
love.
So how can you increase the love levels and, as a

natural offshoot of that love, the commitment levels
in your relationship?
Well find out in the next chapter.
::: 22 :::
Chapter 3.
How Likely Is Your Partner to Commit To You?
How likely do you feel your partner is to commit to you? How solid do you
feel that your connection is? Can you see your relationship lasting in the long
term?
These arent easy questions to answer.
A technique that might make it a little simpler for you is to consider the
relationship from your partners point of view. What qualities and good points
do you bring to the relationship that would make them want to stick around
(as opposed to needing to stick around)?
Taking the wants-versus-needs point into account, reasons like, We have
a mortgage together, The children need their mom/dad, and The family
business would fail if we separated, are not valid points because theyre
centered around your partner needing you, not wanting you.
The aim of this exercise is to consider the reasons
that your partner would choose, of their own free
will, to be with you. In the long run, those reasons
are the ones that will help to determine whether
or not the two of you will stay together in the long
run.
It may help you to start off by making a list of the
good things about your relationship that you both
enjoy, or that you know your partner particularly
enjoys.
Consider the
reasons that
your partner
would choose,
of their own
free will, to be
with you.
As a sample list, here are some of the points that you might think of:

You make your partner feel good just by being around you.
They feel that you value and cherish them.
You bring out their best qualities: when theyre around you, they
::: 23 :::
feel like a better version of themselves.

You have fun together.
You have great sex.
You support one another.
Life seems better and more enjoyable when youre together than
it does when youre apart.
Obviously, this is just a sample list. If none of these things seem to apply to
yourself or to your relationship, perhaps youve got other ways of making your
partner feel good about themselves.
Or, perhaps you just need to put a little more work into the relationship in
order to create some valid reasons for your partner to stick around, and to
increase the quality and depth of the bond between the two of you!
Here are some ideas for doing just that.
Communication
Communication is the number-one most important part of any healthy,
balanced, committed relationship.
Being a good communicator is all to do with being honest and authentic
about who you are, and what you believe and feel.
If you cant communicate your own truths to your partner if you are
deliberately withholding aspects of your personality, or youre not giving them
the whole story about your wants and desires, your opinions, your thoughts,
and your personality - then how can they ever get to know you properly?
And if they cant get to know you properly, for who you really are, how can
they ever love you properly or commit to the person that you really are?
Being honest and communicative is the best recipe for a good relationship,
::: 24 :::
hands-down.
One particular aspect of communication that many people struggle with
is being honest about things they feel may result in a conflict of ideas or
opinions.
Conflict is something that many people shy away from. Because its such
a taboo issue to so many couples, issues and disagreements get bottled up
inside, or buried beneath other issues, or simply ignored because its easier
that way.
This is like sounding the death knell of your
relationship. First of all, if you arent capable of
being honest with your partner, then you have
to ask yourself what kind of a bond you actually
have; and second of all, bottling things up inside
doesnt mean theyve been taken care of.
It just means that theyll erupt out, in an emotional
explosion, when you least expect it and the
increased pressure and significance that youve
added to the issue by not talking about it will
likely mean that that eruption, when it comes,
will be twisted out of all reasonable proportion.
The trick to it is
to create a safe
environment
of honesty
and truthful
communication.
Its not always easy to be honest with someone, especially if you feel that
what you should say may challenge them, or may make them feel as though
youre provoking them.
Its really important to communicate to your partner your need for the type
of environment where you and your partner promise to talk to each other if
somethings up and that youll each actively listen to, and really hear, what
it is that your partner has to say.
You need to be able to talk to each other without fear of judgment or
condemnation to be able to air your personal truths without having to censor
your thoughts or watch your tongue.
Good communication isnt about attacking the other person, or about telling
them that theyre wrong. Of course, disagreement is a natural part of any
::: 25 :::
relationship, romantic or not; but it doesnt have to be dealt with as a fight

or an argument.
Good communication is about being honest and truthful moment-tomoment throughout your relationship.
Contrary to popular opinion, it is actually possible to express conflicting
opinions in a non-threatening, non-aggressive, peaceful and loving way.
Good
communication
is about being
honest and truthful
moment-to-moment
throughout your
relationship.
If you disagree with your partner, it doesnt

have to spell the end of the world you can
air your opinions and disagreement without
creating a situation. When you express your
disagreement, it doesnt mean youre devaluing
your partner or their opinion; its simply about
expressing your own personal truth of how
you feel at the present moment, and asking
them, in return, how they feel about it. Its a
simple exchange of truths.
Ultimately, the greatest thing you can do for your partner and your relationship
is to commit to growing the relationship, as well as your partners own spiritual
and emotional development, and their knowledge of you as a person.
You do this by committing yourself to communicating even the hard stuff,
even if you think itll challenge them.
True, meaningful communication is the ultimate sign of commitment from
you, the ultimate sign that you respect and care for your partner, and is the
best thing you can to towards contributing to an environment of caring, loving,
respectful commitment.
Common Goals
Couples who have goals in common are almost always much more committed
to one another than couples who have separate life orientations. What do the
two of you have in common?
::: 26 :::
You may not have reached the point in your relationship where youre
comfortable having The Talk just yet.
(For those of you that are unaware of what The Talk is, its the one that centers
around the question, where is this relationship going? Its where you discuss
the life goals and achievements you each have in mind, and think about the
degree of compatibility that those goals have with each other. Incidentally, its
generally a sign of at least moderate commitment if youre both comfortable
even having this chat.)
If neither you nor your partner is comfortable having The Talk just yet, dont
feel as though you have to add to the emotional pressure of the situation by
forcing them into an intense conversation.
You can bring up the matter gently and without creating a sense of urgency or
obligation, or injecting too much meaning into whats essentially just a casual
chat about the kinds of things you both want to do with your lives.
All you have to do is mention some things youd like to do in the next six
months, or year, or five years however far ahead it is youre thinking here
and see if your partner has thought about what they might be interested
in doing, and whether or not their goals might be in line with yours to any
extent.
Tip: it helps to have a variety of goals for a
variety of periods in your life. For example,
you might want to run a marathon together in
the next six months (or take a camping holiday,
or go on a road trip around the country, or
spend a long weekend in a different city); you
might want to take a trip to India in the next
12 months (or go on safari in Africa, or go
bungee-jumping, or get your qualifications for
scuba-diving); you both might be interested in
property purchases in the next five years; and
so on.
Common goals
and interests
constitute a
large part of the
emotional glue
that binds happy
couples together
Please dont be alarmed by this Im not necessarily suggesting that you
::: 27 :::
make plans to do these things together, especially if you dont feel that your
relationship is up to that sort of long-term planning!
Im merely suggesting that you have a few casual conversations about the
matter of the future, just to scope out whether your general desires and hopes
coincide at all. This will help to give you some sort of idea where your partner
might think the relationship is going, and will help you to both sort out your
understanding of what the future might hold for both of you.
If your goals are very different, it will help to plan out together some things
you can achieve together that youre both interested in doing.
Common goals and interests constitute a large part of the emotional glue that
binds happy couples together if commitments an issue, you could start out
small, perhaps with a trip that youd like to take in the next six months.
If thinking six months ahead is too much commitment,
start really small say, a weekend getaway sometime
soon. You could plan it around the kinds of things that
youre both interested or, if you really dont share
any interests at all, you could each pick a variety of
pastimes from each others hobby-basket and get
involved in the ones that you think sound the most
interesting.
Discuss the
life goals and
achievements
you each have
in mind.
Its a great way to bring you closer together the more experiences, goals,
and interests that you share, the easier it will be for commitment to just fall
naturally into place.
Bring Out the Best in Each Other

Bring out the best in your partner. Appreciate their good points, and make
sure you tell them that you do! Remember, commitment springs naturally out
of love and its much easier to love someone who makes you feel really
good about yourself. Supporting and appreciating each other is what loves
all about.
Is your partner funny? Dont hold your laughter back allow yourself to
::: 28 :::
wallow in their humor and let the belly-laughter roll.

Are they sweet? Tell them that they are, and how much you appreciate it.
Perhaps they have a knack for making you feel better after a hard day if so,
make sure they know what a difference their support makes to you!
Dont be stingy with your compliments and appreciation, and dont be afraid
to tell them that they make you happy. Coming across as committed and
enthusiastic in the relationship yourself is one of the best ways for fostering
an environment of commitment.
Make Love an Action Word

Express your love for your partner through actions as well as words.
Do they look tired or stressed? Give them a back rub.
If you know theyre coming home late from
work on a particular night, you might decide to
put your own appetite on hold and cook them
a delicious meal for you both to enjoy together
when they arrive home.
Dont be
stingy with your
compliments and
appreciation.
Leave a Post-It note on the steering wheel of their car or the cover of the book
theyre reading, telling them how much they mean to you.
Actions speak much louder than words. Theres no need to do anything
overblown or super-extravagant: just a few small actions every now and then
to bring a smile to their face will be more than sufficient to encourage the
growth of love and commitment.
Balance Me Time with We Time

Retain your individuality, and allow your partner to maintain theirs.
::: 29 :::
Maintaining your own sense of self, as well as an interest in all the things that
make you you, is really important for your own happiness, as well as for the
health and longevity of your relationship.
When the boundaries of your individual personalities begin to blur and blend
in with each other (which is actually a relatively common phenomenon for
couples who spend a great deal of time together), the quality of time spent
together tends to decrease.
For example, many couples that move in together begin to find, after a few
months have passed, that theyre spending more time together than ever
before, but that the quality of that time has diminished markedly.
Although they spend a lot of time together, most of that time is occupied in
low-value activities like hanging out with a takeout and the TV, instead of
actually interacting with one another.
This is a good example of quantity time, as opposed to quality time.
A great way to increase the amount of quality time spent together is believe
it or not to actually spend a bit more time apart, doing your own thing.
Me time is just as important as we time when it comes to happy
couplehood you need to take the time to nourish and nurture your own
spirit, and take some time for yourself away from your partner.
This also relates to the issue of not smothering your partner. Just like you, your
partner needs me time. They need to be allowed to have the opportunity to
enjoy and maintain their identity as an individual, and to do things on their
own.
Not only is making a point of taking me-time a powerful tool for creating
much-needed space and individuality in the relationship, but it also ties
in to the truth of that old adage, Absence makes the heart grow fonder!
Giving them the opportunity for moderate amounts of time apart is a sign of
::: 30 :::
real maturity youre mature and self-aware enough to give them the gift of
missing you.
Ensuring that each of you has access to adequate me-time will help you to
achieve several things:
It will help you to redefine yourself as a person, and maintain

your individual identity which is essential to keeping a fresh,
healthy perspective on your relationship, and on life in general
It will give you the time necessary to enjoy the things that you
like doing (that your partner doesnt necessarily share your
enthusiasm for), thus keeping your interests and your life wellbalanced and full
It will add spice to the conversation and increase the

conversational options available to you both youll both have
more energy and more things to talk about
It will increase your mutual desire to spend quality time together

when you do see each other, instead of just chilling out in
tracksuits on the couch 24/7. Having fun together, not just downtime, is essential for long-term happiness: the couple that plays
together, stays together.
Having fun together, not just down-time, is essential

for long-term happiness: the couple that plays
together, stays together.
::: 31 :::
Chapter 4.
Things That Dont Help Grow Commitment
Insecurity in a relationship is a common desire to increase a partners level of
commitment. We want to cover our backs, and make sure that we dont have
to go out on a limb any more than we have to our hearts are valuable, after
all, and nobody wants to be needlessly reckless with theirs!
But sometimes, this desire to increase our partners commitment to us leads
us to do strange things. Things that actually end up driving them away, rather
than bringing them closer to us.
Many of these actions come naturally to us without making a conscious
effort to examine our actions and think about how they might be coming
across to our partner, wed never have a clue that we were acting in a lessthan-productive manner.
Thats why its really important to keep an
eye on your levels of self-absorption when it
comes to your relationship. You must always
take the time to think about how youre
acting from your partners point of view to
ensure a healthy balance of your desires
versus their desires.
You must always

take the time to think
about how youre
acting from your
partners point of
view.
In this chapter, were going to take a look at some of the mistakes that people
in relationships most commonly make when theyre trying to increase the
commitment level of the relationship.
1. Inadvertently Suffocating Your Partner

Someone whos insecure in a relationship finds it very difficult to just sit back,
relax, and let the relationship grow on its own. They feel compelled to try to
control the relationship and their partners feelings, to check up on it all the
time to make sure absolutely sure that nothing could be wrong.
::: 32 :::
Its almost obsessive, in some cases some people admit to feeling as though
they cant take their attention off the relationship for even a moment, in case
something goes wrong while their backs turned.
This is pretty understandable after all, we all want to take the best care
possible of the things that mean the most to us.
But smothering a relationship and taking care of it are not the same thing!
If you find yourself constantly checking with your partner to make sure
everythings OK, that theyre happy in the relationship, that theyre content
with the way things are going, and that nothings wrong, you may feel as
though youre making an effort to keep things on the right track.
This may be your reality; but its definitely not reality for your partner or the
relationship itself!
What youre actually doing, when you do this, is telling your partner that you
expect something to be wrong that you have no faith in the relationship, and
in your natural connection with each other, to take care of itself.
Youre saying that you feel like youre not naturally suited to each other, and
that you feel like your love needs constant caretaking in order to survive.
Demonstrating such insecurity and neediness is not a good way to increase
your partners commitment levels to the relationship.
Instead of suffocating your partner with demands for emotional reinforcement,
you need to relax and allow them to just be give them some space, and have
some trust in your connection, attraction, and love for each other.
Smothering a relationship
and taking care of it are not
the same thing!
::: 33 :::
2. Hint-Dropping
Being indirect and dropping hints about issues that are important to you is not
a constructive way to handle communication.
Its quite child-like, in fact.
If youre guilty of hint-dropping, you may not see it as
child-like: you may see it as the safest way to get your
point across.
But your partner doesnt see it that way! Being indirect
about meaningful things (like commitment, for example)
is an incredibly frustrating way to get a point across.
Most people
appreciate
honesty and
directness.
Its hard on both of you, in fact. Its irritating and frustrating for your partner,
who can often tell that somethings up (but cant understand exactly what it is
that you want); and it makes things difficult for you, because youre trying to
communicate something and its not getting across properly.
Most people appreciate honesty and directness. It takes a certain amount
of moral stamina, as well as self-esteem and confidence, to be capable of
candor on subjects that are important to you but its a sign of respect to the
person youre communicating with.
If you want your partner to commit to you, then show them your respect
and your love for them through your actions: articulate your thoughts openly,
instead of attempting to manipulate your partner through game-playing.
3. Dont Let Things Slide

Be wary of actions that harm your relationship.
When youre comfortable with someone, its relatively commonplace to let
your personality slide a little bit to let aspects of your character show that
you wouldnt have dreamed of showing when youd first started dating.
::: 34 :::
Maybe you get grumpy when youre tired, and instead of making an effort to
smile and be pleasant and thus counteract your grumpiness in a productive,
albeit more effortful, way - you take it out on your partner, and vent your
feelings by being snappy and crotchety.
Perhaps youve taken to nagging your partner asking repetitively for them to
change aspects of their behavior or habits, and failing to change your methods
when the nagging proves itself to be useless as a modification tool.
Or do you criticize your partner more often than you realize? Maybe you find
fault with them a little too often, and are a little too eager to articulate your
findings.
There are many ways of bringing a relationship down from the inside, and
they dont all have to be extravagant, large-scale events often, theyre the
insidious daily occurrences which simply erode away your enjoyment in each
others company.
Be aware that these sorts of things actively harm your relationship, and destroy
the bond of love and trust between you and your partner. The sooner you
cut them out, the better. Think about why you might be doing these things:
often, these sorts of behaviors are more about petty, unarticulated resentments
manifesting themselves than a real desire to, say, criticize your partners
unwashed hair/penchant for TV watching over breakfast/odd socks.
There are many

ways of bringing a
relationship down
from the inside.
Again, it all boils down to communication. I

normally advocate that, if you notice yourself
doing these things, you show your partner
that you respect and care about him or her by
acknowledging that youve been behaving in
this way, and telling them that youre making
efforts to change that behavior.
Or perhaps youre on the receiving end of this sort of treatment? If thats the
case, its definitely your responsibility to communicate your dissatisfaction to
your partner pronto, before it becomes a major issue!
Again, its really important that you dont let resentments build up this is
a natural destroyer of true commitment and love. You need to learn to talk
::: 35 :::
about your feelings openly and honestly: assertively, but without aggression.
If something that your partners doing is bothering you, make sure that you tell
them that it does. Dont make the mistake of hoping that itll all just somehow
go away on its own that your partner will magically just stop doing it, or that
youll learn to deal with the negative feelings without needing to talk about
it. They wont; and you wont.
Resentments tend to linger and self-magnify if theyre not quickly rooted out
and addressed through simple communication.
This approach is
going to almost
guarantee you a
sympathetic ear!
This isnt something that has to be a big

deal theres no need for sweaty palms
or a dry mouth. Even if youre nervous
about confrontation (even the kind of mild,
assertive-not-aggressive confrontation that
were talking about here), just remember
this: the more honest you are, the less hurt
youll cause.
What I mean by this is quite simple: all you have to do is break down for your
partner what youre thinking and feeling.
You dont need to just blast them with a complete, out-of-the-blue
announcement that their behaviors been bothering you. You can warm up to
it by explaining that theres something youd like to address, and that youre a
little nervous/flustered because you dont want to cause offense.
Then, you can explain that youd like to make a habit of being as open and
honest as possible, so youre trying to overcome your natural reluctance to
directly address potential issues.
After that, you can bring up the issue, whatever it is.
This approach is going to almost guarantee you a sympathetic ear!
Prefacing these kinds of statements with an admission of your own vulnerability
really takes the sting out your following words, and helps your partner to view
your words objectively meaning theyre that much more likely to take your
request on board, and act on it.
::: 36 :::
Ultimately, the solution to any problem in your relationship is communication.

Communicating effectively isnt always easy it takes time to get comfortable
with addressing important issues, and with wording your statements in such a
way that your partner is able to understand your true meaning without getting
bogged down by personal subtexts.
Your persistence will definitely pay off, though the best thing you can do
to engender commitment in your relationship is to commit yourself to the
wellbeing of the relationship and of your partner.
In the truest sense of the word, commitment is about respecting your partner
enough to be honest and authentic with them. This will enable you both to be
your truest, most honest selves, and to love each other for who you really are
meaning that you can give each other the love, encouragement, and support
that you both need to feel and act your best.
Commitment is about respecting

your partner enough to be honest
and authentic with them.
::: 37 :::
Chapter 5.
Commitment-Phobes: If They Wont Commit, Are They Even
Able To Commit?
From time to time, you will probably come across people that it will be
difficult to increase the commitment level and value of the relationship with,
no matter how much time, energy, and effort is invested.
Several of my own personal friends have made the mistake of attempting
relationships with these sorts of people despite the warning signs, they
went ahead and committed their emotions and energy to trying to change
someones personal truth as it existed in the present moment.
Im sure you can recognize these sorts of people when your friends and
associates are attempting relations with them theyre easy to spot, from an
objective distance.
But when its happening to you when its your heart and your emotions at
risk perversely, its often actually more difficult to realize whats going on.
So were going to take a quick look at the types of people who its not a
good idea to get involved with; then, well deal briefly with what to do if
youre already involved, and its your own partner whos having a hard time
committing.
If you arent open with your

partner about what youre
true feelings, youre admitting
defeat.
::: 38 :::
Here are some of the warning signs of people who you should stay away from
if its commitment that youre after:

People who are just out to have fun and who tell you that
theyre not interested in a relationship (for whatever reason).
Do not make the mistake of assuming that you can get them to
change their mind about this: if theyre definite enough to about
their stance on the topic to be up-front about it, pay attention
and believe them. Two words: caveat emptor!
People who are with you because they have settled. In other
words, they dont believe they can do any better. They may have
reservations and misgivings about the relationship, but theyre
afraid (at the present moment, anyway) to try for what they
really want. Youll never be able to relax with this sort of person,
because you know deep down that the moment something or
someone better comes along, theyll take off like a shot.
People who are depending on you for something. It doesnt matter

what it is financial resources, a place to say, a job, for selfesteem reasons, anything. A relationship based on dependency
is always going to be wildly unstable and unpredictable
remember, dependency fosters resentment, which kills off the
love.
People in a transitional phase of their lives, whose life is

undergoing a major change. Specifically, Im talking about
people who have just ended, or who are in the process of ending,
a serious relationship. Obviously, there are always exceptions
to the rule, but in the vast majority of cases, someone whose
life has just turned a big corner doesnt even know themselves
what direction theyre going to head in next which makes
committing themselves to a new relationship pretty difficult, and
pretty unlikely.
::: 39 :::
What to Do If Your Partners Having a Hard Time Committing

If youre already involved with someone who seems to be having reservations
about commitment, its not going to be of much use to you knowing the sorts
of people you should avoid.
Its too late for that youre already involved!
So what should you do about it? How can you recoup the situation and
minimize any potential pain or misunderstanding?
Basically, you are going to have to talk to your partner
about the situation and your feelings.
Some reluctance to do this is understandable you
may feel as though articulating your feelings will cause
them to run in the opposite direction. After all, if you
think theyre a commitment-phobe, then so much
as mentioning the word commitment will have an
adverse effect, right?
Youre not
being true to
yourself, and
thus youre
also not being
true to your
partner.
Well maybe. But, in truth, it sounds as though youre stuck between a rock
and a hard place. I think the best thing for you to do is to confront the issue
and you can start by acknowledging, to yourself, the fact that you feel as
though there may be a problem.
Lets look at this rationally here. Your options are:

To be honest about what youre thinking to yourself and to your

partner.
To acknowledge to yourself what youre thinking and feeling, but

remain silent about it to your partner.
To pretend to yourself and your partner that theres no problem.
Well, it already sounds as though Option #3 isnt actually an option for you
(since youre reading this book, for a start!), so lets look at the relative merits
of t Options #1 and #2.
::: 40 :::
Well look at Option #2 first.

If you arent open with your partner about what youre true feelings, youre
admitting defeat.
Youre saying, Yes, I know theres no hope here. I know that I cant tell my
partner what Im thinking, because my true feelings are the complete opposite
of what he or she wants to hear. Im going to pretend to myself for a little bit
longer (or a lot longer) that everythings fine, and that Im happy to be in an
undefined, uncommitted relationship, because to me thats better than no
relationship at all.
Can you see how that kind of relationship isnt really a relationship at all? A
relationship thats based on emotional dishonesty and concealment doesnt
have much of an opportunity to grow.
Dont smile
and pretend to
yourself that
everythings
OK if you
know its not.
Youre not being true to yourself, and thus youre also

not being true to your partner: youre presenting a halfimage of yourself to them. Youre not giving them the
full story.
In the short run, this may be something that youre
content with; but how long do you think youll be able
to keep up the faade for? Youll probably be able to
stick it out for awhile after all, if you really like or
even love this person, youll make an effort to keep
things going but eventually, your feelings are going
to get the better of you.
And you know what happens when feelings get bottled up the result is an
eruption. An unexpected, inconvenient, and unattractive eruption.
One thats far less attractive, and far less effective, than simply addressing
your thoughts and emotions now, while theyre still manageable.
So thats option two. Now lets look at option one: the one where youre
honest about what youre thinking to yourself, and to your partner.
This is probably the most emotionally challenging option to choose, because
you are putting yourself in a position of vulnerability.
::: 41 :::
If youve sensed that theres a lack of certainty in your partners commitment

to you and the relationship, bringing up the fact that youve noticed that lack
is strongly counterintuitive: it goes against your instincts.
Your instincts are probably telling you to procrastinate: to go with option two
or three, because theyre easier and you have less chance of scaring your
partner off that way.
And Ill be honest with you if your partner is a commitment-phobe, there is
a chance that he or she may actually be frightened away by you mentioning
your thoughts and feelings on this matter. Obviously, you dont want this to
happen: you love, or at least like, your partner, and want the relationship to
last.
But a relationship in which you cannot rely on your partners commitment
to you is not a real relationship. Its a sham and one thats placing an
unwelcome, and certainly unfair, emotional burden on you.
If youre being forced to pretend that youre content to be in a relationship with
someone whos being evasive about the emotional energy and time theyre
willing to commit to that relationship, then thats not a healthy situation.
Its going to make you unhappy, even while youre pretending to yourself that
youre better off in this relationship.
Dont smile and pretend to yourself that everythings OK
if you know its not you have a right (and, actually,
it could be argued that you owe it to yourself and the
relationship that you claim to be committed to) to be
honest here. Things cant possibly get any better unless
you lay all your cards on the table, and request that your
partner does the same.
The fact remains: honesty is the best policy. Remember,
you dont have to make a huge big deal out of your
feelings remember how we discussed, in Chapter
Three, how to have a low-key conversation with your
partner about mutual goals and interests?
::: 42 :::
Being true
to yourself
is a really
important
part of being
a happy
person.
Those same principles can be applied here. Dont put too much pressure
on your partner: you want to strike the right balance of awareness of their
potential uncertainty, and honesty about your own feelings and needs.
So dont come right out and pin them to the wall with a statement of neediness
and insecurity; but on the other hand, dont beat around the bush either
(remembering that candor and directness are necessary for respect and love
to flourish).
A simple, This is how I feel at the moment. How do you feel about that?
will suffice admirably.
Emotional honesty in itself is a major step in and of itself towards commitment.
It signifies that not only do you respect your partner enough to be honest
about a difficult topic, but that you yourself are mature enough to hold up
your end of the bargain in a proper, committed relationship.
Being true to yourself is a really important part of being a happy person, and
being a good, committed partner you need to be firm about what you need
and expect out of a relationship.
There are two possible outcomes from the conversation that you will have
with your partner, if you pick option number one: either they will reassure
you and lay your feelings to rest, or they will confirm your suspicions that
theyre not ready to commit.
If the former is true, then thats wonderful and youve got
nothing to worry about.
If the latter is true, then thats going to be difficult for you to
hear but, at the risk of sounding infuriatingly optimistic,
think how terrible it would have been if youd waited to
have this conversation.
If youd procrastinated and put it off, think how much
time you could have wasted pretending to yourself that
everything was OK!
::: 43 :::
Dont put
too much
pressure
on your
partner.
Be sure that you dont blame yourself for initiating the problem, or your
partners reaction, by initiating the conversation (unless you tried to have the
talk in the first couple of weeks of dating someone, in which case you really
gave them little other option to respond!).
A commitment-phobe is a commitment-phobe. If youve been with this person
long enough to know that youre committed to the relationship, then theyve
almost certainly had plenty of time to figure out where theyre at, too.
What Im saying is this: there is little to be gained from delaying this conversation
(again, unless youre still in the really early days of a relationship). There is no
point in wasting your time hanging around, waiting for your partner to wake
up and realize how fabulous you are.
Remember, you cant force anyone to feel anything for you that they wouldnt
do on their own so if your partners uncertain about their feelings for you,
there is nothing you could have done to change their mind or heart.
So dont waste your time or energy in trying to convince them that youre right
for each other - firstly, because you cant (its as simple as that); and secondly,
because there are too many people out there right now, wondering when
theyll get to meet someone just like you!
You cant force anyone to feel anything for you
::: 44 :::
Afterword
I hope this book has been of use to you.
The issue of commitment is a huge and complicated one there are so many
varieties on the question, How can I get my partner to be more committed to
me? that I cant even begin to address them all individually.
The thing is, they all boil down to essentially the same question, and theres
only one answer to that question.
You cannot hope to get anybody to truly commit to you if youre not honest.
You need to be honest with yourself, about what youre feeling and thinking;
and you need to be honest with your partner, too, and convey to them your
personal truths.
If youre not honest, and you allow communication to lapse, that is the closest
thing to a guarantee that I can think of that the commitment levels in your
relationship will nosedive.
Fortunately, the converse is also true: the best recipe there is for a
positive, loving, healthy, balance, mutually committed relationship is
communication.
\
Its as simple as that.
So start working on your communication with your partner. You dont have to
bite off more than you can chew: remember to break it down for them into
small, bite-sized chunks of truthfulness.
You can start by telling them that youd
like to start working on improving the
communication between the two of you,
and asking them how they would feel
about taking part in that.
You cannot hope to

get anybody to truly
commit to you if
youre not honest.
::: 45 :::
Thats all it is. Theres no trick to it. Building a fantastic relationship is as easy
as saying, This is how I feel. How do you feel about that?
So give it a shot. See what you can build out of that one simple phrase.
I think you may be pleasantly surprised!
Mia Summers
::: 46 :::
::: 47 :::
From First Dates to Soul Mates

If you are someone either in a relationship or contemplating a relationship
where you want to move to the next level of commitment, chances are the
road to success is pitted with its fair share of frustrations and setbacks.
You have seen it happen in the movies. You may have seen it happen with
friends. They meet a guy or a gal, fall in love, move in together, get engaged,
and seem to live happily ever after. They make it look so easy, and make the
elusiveness of real love in your life almost seem a myth! Why then is it so hard
for you to have a committed relationship? When is it going to be your turn to
live the dream?
Now everyone has a theory when it comes to commitment. Some say you
should never use the L word until the other person does. Others say you
should cancel a date every so often to show your partner that you arent
always available. Others still say you should become close friends with their
friends and family, so its almost impossible to separate you from their life.
With all these mixed messages, what do we know is correct? What do we
know will work? Should we call her back the day after the date? Should we
flirt with his friends to make him jealous and possessive? Should we fake
an illness or a personal crisis to see if he will come and rescue you, and
make him see how much he treasures and loves you? How do you take your
relationship from first date to soul mate?
Thats where Meet Your Sweets latest book can help provide some definitive
answers. Its called From First Dates To Soul Mates: How to Take Things To
the Next Level of Commitment without Screwing It Up!
Author Amy Waterman recognizes the power of peoples opinions in finding
the best way to take things to the next level and create a committed relationship,
and it sidesteps the game playing, manipulation, and emotional trickery that
many people believe is necessary to get your man or woman to commit to
you.
Commitment isnt something that should be forced. Similarly, commitment
isnt something that only one person can create. True commitment, the type
that leads to deep and lasting relationships, is something that must come
naturally, is completely non-manipulative, and is effortless.
::: 48 :::
Real commitment is much more than a promise to take it to the next level. Its
much more than a promise to move in together. Its much more even than a
wedding ring, or a public declaration that they love you and want to be with
you forever.
Its a natural feeling that cant be mimicked, and something much deeper than
simple hollow words. Devotion is not an action; its an unthinking feeling that
wells from within.
According to Amy, the commitment you are seeking, the type that lasting
relationships are founded on, ..is a natural emotional response to being in a
relationship that just plain feels GREAT.
So how do you create the right environment for the relationship to naturally
flourish to the point of natural, meaningful, deeper commitment?
By a range of different tips, techniques, and insightful perspectives, all laid
out neatly and logically, in an easy-to-use format by the talented writers at
Meet Your Sweet.
Whether its understanding the biological basis of commitment, the setting of
realistic expectations, knowing how a committed relationship grows, knowing
the 6 stages of commitment, or the transition from dating to a relationship,
Amy has readers absorbed from the first sentence.
No matter if you are starting a new relationship, are making the transition
from dating to exclusivity, or moving from a relationship to a long-term
commitment, Amy has pertinent advice that is going to help you create a
relationship environment and dynamic that is going to take you from strength
to strength,
Do you know the 5 Elements of Attraction?
Do you know what you can expect from a committed partner?
Do you understand what a partner can expect from you/
What does commitment mean to you?
And if thats not enough, Amy helps readers take the material off the page
and into their everyday lives through a series of useful and thought-provoking
exercises. Ever wondered how great all this looks in theory but dont understand
::: 49 :::
how it applies to you and your relationship? Take one or all of the exercises
outlined in this weighty guide to start making some real changes in your life.
Relationships are never easy, and in most cases it feels as though we are flying
blind. Put an end to the guesswork of understanding your relationships and
find out concrete techniques and methods to take the relationship forward, in
a way that commitment comes naturally, motivation-free, and effortlessly.
From First Dates To Soul Mates. Keep an eye out for it by visiting Meet Your
Sweets web page at:
http://www.meetyoursweet.com/commitment
::: 50 :::

Double Commitment

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Double Commitment

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How to Double Commitment

What is Meet Your Sweet?

What IS Commitment? Commitment Defined

Why Do You Want to Increase Your Relationships Commitment Level? 

1. Increasing Commitment Due to Cultural Conditioning.

How Likely Is Your Partner to Commit To You? 

All Rights Reserved (c) 2008 MeetYourSweet.com

Things That Dont Help Grow Commitment

1. Inadvertently Suffocating Your Partner

Commitment-Phobes: If They Wont Commit, Are They Even Able To Commit?38

From First Dates to Soul Mates

All Rights Reserved (c) 2008 MeetYourSweet.com

How to Double Commitment

All Rights Reserved (c) 2008 MeetYourSweet.com

Fear and love cannot

All Rights Reserved (c) 2008 MeetYourSweet.com

All Rights Reserved (c) 2008 MeetYourSweet.com

All Rights Reserved (c) 2008 MeetYourSweet.com

It doesnt matter whether that need is one-sided or mutual: a relationship

All Rights Reserved (c) 2008 MeetYourSweet.com

This idea of reciprocity of doing things in order to get something out of it is

All Rights Reserved (c) 2008 MeetYourSweet.com

It is not your job to try to make

All Rights Reserved (c) 2008 MeetYourSweet.com

All Rights Reserved (c) 2008 MeetYourSweet.com

1. Increasing Commitment Due to Cultural Conditioning.

Why is it so important to you to get married? Is it for reasons of self-esteem:

All Rights Reserved (c) 2008 MeetYourSweet.com

Unfortunately, theres a bit of an issue here. Statements of commitment, like

Why not just

Like commitment itself, for gestures of commitment

All Rights Reserved (c) 2008 MeetYourSweet.com

So if a proposal of marriage has been coaxed into existence by either member

2. Increasing Commitment Out of Fear

All Rights Reserved (c) 2008 MeetYourSweet.com

Not even if youve got a ring on your finger.

All Rights Reserved (c) 2008 MeetYourSweet.com

3. Increasing Commitment Because the Relationship Is More Real That Way

All Rights Reserved (c) 2008 MeetYourSweet.com

It could come collapsing down around you at any moment.

It could come collapsing

All Rights Reserved (c) 2008 MeetYourSweet.com

The Best Reason for Wanting To Increase Commitment

The best reason

So how can you increase the love levels and, as a

All Rights Reserved (c) 2008 MeetYourSweet.com

They feel that you value and cherish them.

feel like a better version of themselves.

You have fun together.

You have great sex.

You support one another.

All Rights Reserved (c) 2008 MeetYourSweet.com

relationship, romantic or not; but it doesnt have to be dealt with as a fight

If you disagree with your partner, it doesnt

All Rights Reserved (c) 2008 MeetYourSweet.com

Please dont be alarmed by this Im not necessarily suggesting that you

All Rights Reserved (c) 2008 MeetYourSweet.com

Bring Out the Best in Each Other

All Rights Reserved (c) 2008 MeetYourSweet.com

wallow in their humor and let the belly-laughter roll.

Make Love an Action Word

Balance Me Time with We Time

All Rights Reserved (c) 2008 MeetYourSweet.com

All Rights Reserved (c) 2008 MeetYourSweet.com

What IS Commitment? Commitment Defined

Why Do You Want to Increase Your Relationships Commitment Level?

1. Increasing Commitment Due to Cultural Conditioning.

How Likely Is Your Partner to Commit To You?

Things That Dont Help Grow Commitment

1. Inadvertently Suffocating Your Partner

Commitment-Phobes: If They Wont Commit, Are They Even Able To Commit?38

From First Dates to Soul Mates