Morons Oxymoronic

Guide To And For The Birds

(Addendum To Morons Guide To Oxymorons)

As told by Oxy to Barry J. Lipson

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Morons Oxymoronic Guide To

And For The Birds

(Addendum To Morons Guide To Oxymorons)

Oxy takes aim at slurping up the Oxymoronic Birds too y'all,

Avian Snipes, Boobies, Tits, Cocks, Peckers, Suckers and all.

Introduction
Oxy has asked me to introduce his newest slurpage, his Addendum to Morons Guide To
Oxymorons, this Morons Oxymoronic Guide To And For The Birds. In chewing
his wordy worldly cud, passing his undulations from stomach to stomach, he ruminates over the
birdy and birdbrained references already appearing in the main volume. While he was
recovering from his recent frightening overflight by the Blue Bird of Happiness, whence he was
scared as colorless as an Albino Blackbird, he nonetheless rejoiced that he was not occupying
the Jailbirds Seat, but still enjoying sitting in the Catbird Seat his slurpages entitled him to,
where he could still feast on Turkey Ham and Chicken Fingers, along with his cherished
Hamburgers. That Blue Bird, he mused, is A Real Turkey!
In developing this Addendum, from a Birds Eye View he further ruminated over what to
include. First, he thought it batty that the only true Flying Mammals, with such great oxymoronic
names as Giant Vampire Bat, Ghost Bat, Hoary Bat and Australian False Vampire Bat,
were not bird enough to be included. But then again perhaps that could be too bloody bloody. He
does, though, understand excluding the Common Vampire Bat, and excluding merely Gliding
Mammals, even the deferential Sugar Glider Phalangers and Lesser Anomalures. But he has
no empathy or sympathy for such Gliders whose name jactitations maliciously mislead, such as
Noble Giant Flying Squirrel, Smoky Flying Squirrel, Hairy-Footed Flying Squirrel, ComplexToothed Flying Squirrel and even Long-Eared Flying Mouse.
And how far back should he go? As far back as the Flyers of the Age of Dinosaurs who were NonDinosaur, Non-Avian Reptiles, called, as translated from the Greek "Winged Lizards? But we
use for them the Greek-style names Dimorphodon, Pteranodon, Pterodactylus, Plesiosaurus,
Pterosaurs, Quetzalcoatlus, Rhamphorhynchus, etc., which certainly denudes them of their
oxymoronic potential, at least on this side of the Atlantic.
Then what about creatures such as the flightless Bird-Footed Dinosaur, and those other Greeknamed flightless Dinosaurs from whence science tells us the Birds evolved (or perhaps devolved),
who Went to the Birds? But, the same basic problemo exists. Theyre mainly all Greek To Us!
That leaves the Mythical, the Quizzical, the Quick and the Dead! The Mythical takes us from the
Roc, a legendary Gigantus of an elephant-eating, prayer-evoking Bird of Prey; to the
sorrowful Dicky-Bird singing "Tit Willow" in The Mikado; to the pen & ink Tweetie Bird that,
as the cover photo shows, Oxy could slurp but he could not swallow (but then Swallow is a
Bird Of Another Feather); and to the songful Little Jazz Bird be one too [see Footnote 1],
leaving for further exploration herein the Quizzical, the Quick and the Dead! So on to the Aviary
and the Birds Of Jove, by Jove!
---- Barry J. Lipson, Scribe
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Thus, here goes Oxy with the Quizzical [Snipes],

the Quick [Todays Aviary], and the Dead [Extinct]:
The Quizzical: Snipers Snipe Snipe - Snipe Hunts
"A Snipe Hunt, a form of Wild-Goose Chase that is also known as a fool's errand, is a type of
practical joke that involves experienced people making fun of credulous newcomers by giving
them an impossible or imaginary task" such as where inexperienced campers are told the tall tale
of the elusive "Snipe" and sent out to catch them by sprinkling salt on their tails, or by using some
other "preposterous method. While, because of this many believe the Snipes (sometimes even
characterized as a four-legged animal) are mythical, Snipes, a family of shorebirds, do exist, but
are difficult to catch [even] for experienced hunters, so much so that the word 'sniper' is derived
from it to refer to anyone skilled enough to shoot one" [Wikipedia]. Following are half a dozen of
the more Oxymoronic of the eighteen or so Snipe species:

Giant Snipe
Great Snipe
Imperial Snipe
Jack Snipe
Noble Snipe
Solitary Snipe

The Quick: Boobies, Tits, Cocks, Peckers, Suckers & All That Jazz 1
Following are five dozen or so of the more Oxymoronic of the Bird Brained names of Existing
Bird Species:

Agile Tit Tyrants

Arsefoots
Bearded Tits
Birds Of Jove
Birds Of Juno
Birds Of Minerva
Birds Of Night
Birds of Prey
Butcherbirds
Chachalacas
Cock-Of-The-Rocks
Cock-Tailed Tyrants
Crested Honeycreepers
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I'm a little Jazz Bird

And I'm telling you to be one too
For a little Jazz Bird ...
Is the only kind of bird to be
" Little Jazz Bird "
Blossom Dearie
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Diabolical Nightjars [Satanic Eared]

Drab Seedeaters
Fluffy-Backed Tit Babblers
Goatsuckers
Graceless Honeyeaters
Great Tits
Hairy Woodpeckers
Hawfinches
Helmeted Woodpeckers
Hoopoes
Invisible Rails
Jackass Penguins
Kookaburras
Laughing Jack Asses
Lulu's Tody-Tyrants [Flycatchers]
Masked Boobies
Mockingbirds
Montezuma's Oropendolas
Moreporks
Oahu Oos
Oleagenous Foliage Gleaners
Ovenbirds
Penduline Tits
Pete Woodalls
Pewees
Red Capped Manikins
Red-Cockaded Woodpeckers
Red-Knobbed Coots
Red-Rumped Bush Tyrants
Riflemans [Riflemen]
Semipalmated Plovers
Shy Mollymawks
Tinkling Cisticolas
Tits
Treecreepers
Tufted Tit-Tyrants
Wandering Tattlers
White Arses [Wheatarses/Wheatears]
White-Cheeked Bushtits
White-Necklaced Partridges
White Rumped Robins
White-Throated Swallows
Woodcocks
Woodpeckers
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Yellow-bellied Sapsuckers
Zilpzalps
But what about the two British Birds who are reportedly visiting the Aviary today, the
Foxy Bird and the Dolly Bird? As an Ox, Oxy merely notes, and so states, that I do
not understand why Foxy and Dolly are getting bird stares. Like the Emu and the Ostrich
they are flightless and taller than most other respectable Birds, but worse yet they are kind
of drab, without any fancy drabs, feathers or plumage, and they exhibit an odd even
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number of mammalian protuberances which [at which point the witch of a Censor Bird
inserts her EXPLETIVE DELETED]. Then too, Songbird Peggy Lee crooned about the
Shady Lady Bird, the Shocking Mocking Bird, and the Slumming Hummingbird. Thats
right, Slumming Hummingbird, Not Slumbering Hummingbird.

The Dead: Some Extinct Or Currently In Hiding Bird Species

Following are five dozen or so of the more Oxymoronic of the Bird Brained names of Extinct or
Currently In Hiding Bird Species:

Alejandro Selkirk Firecrown

Anjouan Island Sparrowhawk
Arabian Ostrich
Broad-Billed Parrot
Car Nicobar Sparrowhawk
Carolina Parakeet
Catanduanes Bleeding-Heart
Cave-Nesting Masked Owl
Cebu Bar-Bellied Cuckoo-Shrike
Daito Varied Tit
Dodo
Eastern Canary Islands Chiffchaff
Elephant Bird
Eskimo Curlew
Giant Hoopoe
Great Auk
Guadeloupe Burrowing Owl
Hooded Seedeater
Ivory-Billed Woodpecker
Kangaroo Island Emu
Laughing Owl
Laysan Millerbird
Little Spotted Kiwi
Mangarevan Whistler
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Woe to those who have been tickling his foot with the feather of Censorus Maximus (The Censor Bird).
---Laurence Jewett
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Manu'a Shrikebill
Mount Lofty Spotted Quail-Thrush
Mysterious Starling
Negros Celestial Monarch
New Caledonia Painted Buttonquail
New Caledonian Boobook
Norfolk Island Morepork
North Island Snipe
Northern Giant Antpitta
Northern Stripe
Painted Vulture
Paradise Parrot
Passenger Pigeon
Pile-Builder Megapode
Pines Solitaire
Pink-Headed Duck
Principe Olive Ibis
Red-Moustached Fruit-Dove
Runion Sacred Ibis
Saint Helena Cuckoo
Sakarha Pygmy Kingfisher
Sangihe Dwarf-Kingfisher
Seychelles Chestnut-Sided White-Eye
Short-Toed Nuthatch Vang
Slender-Billed Grackle
Society Parakeet
Socorro Elf Owl
South Island Snipe
Sulu Bleeding-Heart
Sumatra Blue-Wattled Bulbul
Tahitian Sandpiper
Tongan Metallic Pigeon
Tonkean Henna-Tailed Jungle Flycatcher
Turquoise-Throated Puffleg
Upland Moa
Vanderbilt's Babbler
Volcano Islands Peregrine Falcon
Zagros Coal Tit

Im out of here!
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