Peer Commentary

Abbys Comments
On Victorias Assignment:
Introduction: You provided a great hook to start off your paper. It really grabbed my attention
without me having any prior knowledge about your topic. The use of your words really
generalized the game so it could appeal to everyone. No matter what games people play,
whether it be tetris, candy crush, or 2K, people like the aspect that they are in control. You
took advantage of this key point and used it to your benefit.
Review of Relevant Literature: I like that the first paragraph is talking about changes in
technology and how those changes have affected warfare, but some of your details seem a
little vague. Clearly, the invention of such a tool would change how a lot happens. How
would it change how things happen? What happened before compared to what would happen
now? What people are involved in the formation, adaptation and application of this new
invention? In this sentence but they can do a lot more damage, maybe describe the damage
and give an example.
Review of Relevant Literature: When talking about the influence technology has on the
nature of warfare, what specific influence has it had? Has it changed the way the public
thinks about wars? Because, there are many aspects that are taken into account when
countries go to war, one of which is public opinion. And I believe I remember you telling me
that a part in the game was keeping your civilization, or people, happy. I see that in the
second paragraph you talk more about how the nature has changed, but what else other than
technology and the way war is fought has changed?
Entering the Conversation: It seems like in the first two paragraphs you are commenting and
telling the viewpoints of video games and not really giving me your own opinion or adding
something new to the conversation. I think it would be beneficial to connect war, which was
what all your resources were about, to the video games that you are talking about in the
Entering the Conversation section. Near the end of the section it seems as if you are just
telling me about the game Civilization, but that is not new information.
Conclusion: This paragraph was very detailed and showed your interest in your topic. I like
your sentence structure because you make it seem more like a conversation with words such
as Sure, . I like how you incorporated possible questions that your reader would ask and
then answered them.
On Emilys Assignment:
Introduction: Introduction was very well written. Your explanation of all aspects of Big
Brother were detailed and flowed smoothly into your thesis. Your personal relationship to the
topic allows the reader to know a little more about you, which makes the paper more of a
conversation.
Literature Review: This section is very organized in that your themes are very clear. I could
understand what information that you received from your sources and how you were tying it
back to your topic. I think you described well all the different viewpoints of the show and the
different features that affect the show.
Entering the Conversation: The first paragraph was great in that is was so relatable because
almost everyone watches reality television. Your posed questions and viewpoints really make
the reader think about how and why they watch reality television. The ability to make an
audience rethink about themselves and their own standing on an issue is a great talent.

Entering the Conversation: The only thing that I was a little confused about is the notorious
season fifteen. Why was it notorious and what happened? This is only necessary because not
everyone is familiar with the show. I like that you gave pros and cons to why politicians
should and should not change their image/personality in a campaign and backed it up with
your resources and observations.
Conclusion: In this section, you solidly state what you proposed and added to the
conversation. It was a great ending to a great paper. It was very crisp and straight to the point.
I love even how descriptive your paper was, you still left the reader with some questions to
ponder.
On Jacobs Assignment:
Introduction: Even though your first paragraph was very detailed, it did not grab my attention
as a reader. I think with such a unique topic as yours, a story of some kind would be better
suited. Maybe include all of the other activities and organizations that are rooted in the
Student Union.
Introduction: I think this section is very scattered and would benefit with a little more
structure. I know this is an editing comment but I feel as if you use the phrase Now,.. very
frequently and should replace with a similar phrase. I think it would beneficial to regroup
your sources based on a common aspect. Maybe to add more dimension to the paper, on top
of saying what you can do in the Student Union, report on what you cant do and the gap in
what students need.
Review of Literature: I think the way you report on your sources is a little This source say
this and I think you could phrase it a little differently to make it flow better. In order for it to
be like a conversation, I feel as if you should talk a little more about your opinion as soon as
you summarize your source. The themes of this section are a little blurry. It seems as if you
are just summarizing each source instead of grouping them together with similar information.
I like that you included your observations. I think this lets the reader see your input on the
topic and that you actually have a viewpoint. It also ties in greatly with Assignment One
which was one of the requirements.
Overall, the paper could use a little more structure and organization. I would clearly define
my thesis, my literature review, my entering the conversation, and my conclusion. I would
like to see more of your opinion and how they relate to the sources.

Emilys Comments

On Victorias Assignment:
Your introduction provided good information about technology in war and serves as
good background information in introducing your topic. You said you enjoy the game;
I think that you could add your personal gaming skills to the last paragraph to show
your relationship with games that involve war and introduce your relationship with
video games in general. For example, you could tell how long youve been playing
video games, how long youve been playing Civilization, why the game first
interested you and continues to interest you, etc.
Your first paragraph in Entering the Conversation is a really great attention grabber
and introduction to the body of this section. It flows nicely and the ideas are

presented in an easily understood manner. I felt your example and approach to a

two-sided conversation was very appropriate and respectful.
You Entering the Conversation demonstrated your knowledge on the military and
Civilization well. However, once I started reading the body of the section I was
looking for a specific sentence that introduced me to what you were going to add to
the conversation before jumping straight into it. I feel that if you specifically state I
am suggesting, it would help the reader recognize what they are reading and
allow them to reflect back once they finish the section.
Your Entering the Conversation body has a lot of background information that is
useful to this section. Your conclusion presents ideas and suggestions that I feel you
should also include in your Entering the Conversation section. For example (using
the example from your third paragraph), when explaining that Civilization points out
that war is inevitable, though weaponry and tactics changes over time, what can we
take from that as a reader? Why is this information valuable and in what way can it
be used? In your conclusion, you talk about advancement in technology and political
viewpoints. You could add this information here.
Your conclusion is filled with many realistic opinions, in which I can see you feel
strongly about. It provides for a great conclusion paragraph and your ideas are
presented nicely. Specifically, I really liked the relationship between the military and
the game as a tool for learning.

On Abbys Assignment:
Your example that you described in the first two paragraphs has a great concept. I
might would use the word imagine or another similar word that alludes to the idea
that this is hypothetical and it is not in the show. Had I not known what was to be
included in the Introduction, I probably wouldve been under the impression it took
place within the show until the second paragraph.
Introduction: Your personal relationship to the show and topic is great. It really allows
us to see a more in-depth look at how you relate to the show, with your personal
environment, in addition to the actual fact that you watch Switched at Birth. Im also
glad you stated you were proposing a study here, in the beginning of the paper, to
ensure your reader wouldnt be confused.
Review of the Literature: At the end of your third paragraph in this section, you
recognize that directors might not incorporate deaf actors because the deaf
community is so small and not many people know or care about it. I think you could
also mention that in modern film and television, music, action, and drama are used
to capture an audiences attention. With sign language, people really have to pay
attention to details, or captioning, and it requires a lot of thinking and attentiveness;
in a sense, it is a whole other language that most audience members dont
understand.
Entering the Conversation: You mention ASL without actually defining it or
mentioning it specifically. Personally, I understood what you meant, but I feel like
people could be puzzled or not fully understand your population. Defining the term
would also serve in bettering your study population.
Entering the Conversation: Your study proposal was really concise, yet detailed. I
really liked that you stated your ideas in a clear manner. For example, when you
stated questions will be asked in an open manner, and other influencing would be

mentioned to gauge responses. It really allowed for an understanding and didnt

allow your proposal to get too sloppy or confusing, which it couldve easily been.
On Jacobs Assignment:
Introduction: I feel like you could lead us into your paper a little bit more; it could be
as simple as adding a couple more questions to your first paragraph. For example,
you could mention/contrast having DJs and classical music in the same area, or
enjoying coffee and a pastry or a burger and fries. I think this would intrigue your
audience and keep them engaged and interested with your paper.
Introduction: I liked your personal connection to the Student Union. You stated you
walk through the Union at least three times a day, see people socializing, and feel it
is a positive influence in the social dynamics of college; this is great because it was
up-front and your opinion was clearly stated, which is something I really thought
added to your paper. In addition, if you wanted to go into more detail, you could talk
about how youre a commuter and what role the Union serves to you in this position
(place to rest in-between classes, eat, do homework, near your parking lot/location,
etc.).
Your first description of your source was good; it explained different ways in which a
student union can benefit students and staff. The relationship of income and benefits
is still a little unclear to me. I think another example of unions that rely on student
fees offering benefits to students would help clear up this confusion.
One of your sources mentions how people with Asperger Syndrome cant handle the
union. I like that you chose this source because it shows how intense and
intimidating a student union can be to some people. I feel you could also expand on
this topic and talk about certain groups of people that could also have this kind of
response. For example, a person with ADD/ADHD wouldnt prosper in this
environment.
Your parting comments about taking advantage of the Student Union were great. I
thought they really reiterated why unions are important and how they can directly
affect your college career. In a sense, it was motivational and made me want to
engage in all the different activities the Student Union has to offer.
Jacobs Comments
1. On Victorias Assignment
a. Third Paragraph in Review of Relevant Literature - I like how you connected
the change of war to the changes in politics that has occurred. However, I
believe that the part where you said The things about war that were once
open to the public are now hidden from view. is incorrect because later you
said that the media broadcasts their own side of the story. This still results in
the information that is trying to be hidden by the government to escape to the
public through the media. I think that the two statements contradict each other
and you should read a little more into this if that is what the article said, and
add to the description of why the media is helping to hide the information.
b. Entering the Conversation - I like that you are willing to challenge the
viewpoint that video games rot childrens brains. Most people are not willing
to fight that viewpoint because it is so set in stone in peoples minds that they
are probably not going to change. However, I think that you give good reason
as to why video games can help your brain instead of rot it. You give good

examples of how video games are used in the real world to teach people
occupational skills in the military.
c. Introduction - Your introduction really grabbed my attention. It was a great
way to start the research paper because it grabs the attention of the reader
and makes them want to know what the paper has to say. Sometimes, papers
dont do too well at grabbing attention from the beginning and then it is very
hard to read through that part to get to the good parts. I also like how you
connected the reader to the paper and told them to imagine themselves
inside of your figured world.
d. Conclusion - Your conclusion is really well thought-out. It offers a great
summary of what happened in the paper and it definitely puts all the pieces of
the paper together. It offers great explanations as to why your contribution is
important. It also poses some great questions for the readers of the paper.
e. Overall - Overall, this paper brings everything together very well and makes
the research easy to understand. I like how you connected all the different
sections together. I also liked how your introduction and conclusion werent
exactly the same. Finally, I liked that it was easy to read instead of having
long, difficult words from the sources.
2. On Abbys Assignment
.
Introduction - I like how you connected the show to a real story of a deaf student. It
definitely connects the show to the real world and proves that it does have some truth to it.
Some shows depict people in a completely fictitious way. It is good to know that this show
isnt one of those because it is a group of people that are highly marginalized. I think it is
awesome that actual deaf people can connect to this show.
a.
Review of Relevant Literature - I would like to know more about Gallaudet, the
person that Stanhope thought was overlooked. What is it? What role does it play in the deaf
community? Why does it matter that it might have been overlooked? If you added a
description of what it is, it would help show what Stanhope might have been thinking. It also
might show how the show missed some important people, or it might help disprove
Stanhopes view.
c. Entering the Conversation - I think that you misunderstood the section on entering
the conversation. I think that you were supposed to use your prior research to
respond to the articles. Instead of talking about what you planned to do later in this
section, you could include it in the conclusion. I think that the entering the
conversation section should be used to dispute or add on to what the sources had to
say.
d.
Overall - I like how you connected all of the different sections together. I think that
the way you grouped the reviews of the different sources together. I like the way you
separated the sources into their viewpoints on the T.V. show. You did a great job at splitting
up the different viewpoints.
e.
Conclusion - I think that you connected the rest of the paper together very well in the
conclusion. I like how you talked about the Americans with Disabilities Act at the end. It
gave a reference to what was already happening in the world to help deaf people. I also like
the concept of the survey.
3.
On Emilys Assignment
a.
Introduction - Your attention grabber was really good. It really makes the paper stand
out from the start. I think that it really adds to the whole paper. Without a good attention
grabber it is really hard to start reading the paper.

b.
Literature Review - Your summaries of the sources are very descriptive. You did a
great job at putting just the right amount of information into them. You didnt have just a few
sentences, but you also didnt just re-type the whole source.
c.
Entering the Conversation - I would like to know more about how the producers of
Big Brother prove that they dont do as much editing as other reality shows. You could use
quotes from the publishers or articles about that specifically to support that. You could also
show how it seems to a viewer that there isnt as much influence from outside.
d.
Introduction - I think that the paragraph describing your personal relationship was
good. However, I think you were just describing how attentive you are to detail instead of
identifying your biases. Instead, you could talk about how the show has affected you or how
you view the shows storyline.
e.
Overall - This was a really well thought out paper. It was easy to read and offered a
lot of detail. There was a lot of information in the whole thing as opposed to just focusing on
the middle.
Victorias Comments

On Abbys Assignment:
Introduction:
o Your introduction was a pretty good attention grabber. The way you incorporated
some girls story into your paper was amazing and it was a good start off to what
your paper would be about. The way you told her story and her experience of
Switched at Birth very well described the show in its own way and showed its
importance/ usefulness to people.
Review of Relevant Literature:
o I think that your first paragraph needs a little more information when it comes to
examples. I mean, it has good information, however, you talk about certain things
and they would be better understood if you gave an example. Such as when you
say that the deaf population is wrongly depicted and the deaf community was
never portrayed accurately If you could give an example of such a time and
explain it a little, that would be great. Mostly because, as you say in your paper,
not many people understand the deaf population well and they do not know a lot
of what goes on in it. So to give an example of how it has been portrayed
incorrectly would better help me as a reader understand how much better
Switched at birth actually does portray being deaf.
Review of Relevant Literature:
o In your second paragraph, I think that you need a little more information. Not
much, it would just be better if you went into a little more detail about some
things. For example, in the second paragraph, you mentioned the Deaf President
Now movement. What is that?
Review of Relevant Literature:
o I really liked your last paragraph in the review of relevant literature. The way you
incorporated yourself was good to really make the reader understand what this
show does. I mean, just stating that it does something without proving how is
useless because then the reader is like, whatever. But you mentioned how it
changes peoples perspectives and opens their minds and whatnot and then said
how it clearly did that to you since you find it important enough to write about.

Conclusion:
o You have a good conclusion. You actually mentioned all of the main points
without repeating them for batum. In this way, the paper had a little more variety
and was better to read versus if you had just pretty much copied and pasted
certain things. I also like how you asked a question at the end, as well as the
question itself. The way it was done really made me, as a reader, think more about
everything you stated in the paper.

On Emily's Assignment:
Introduction:
o Your introduction is really good. The way you started the first paragraph did well
to grasp my attention as a reader and explain briefly what was going on. It did
well to explain the main points/ purpose of the show/ game.
Literature Review:
o As a reader, the first paragraph in your literature review was a little hard to
follow. It would be nice if you could go into a little more detail about what you
are talking about in that paragraph. Also, if possible, it would be easier to read if
the thoughts were a tad bit smaller. Just explain the theme there a bit more and
maybe give another example, the information that is already there is good, it is
just a little difficult to follow.
Literature Review:
o The rest of your literature review was very good. Your overall writing here
showed that you know what you are talking about when you talk about this show.
Also, you provided good examples which allowed for me as the reader to more
understand what your writing was about.
Entering the Conversation:
o Your entering the conversation was wonderful. The flow was good and your
comparison of Big Brother to other shows helped me to more understand and
realize how it is different from other reality television. I do, however, have a
suggestion. Near the end of your first paragraph you mention season 15 as being
notorious for being ridiculed. If possible, it would be nice if you could add in
what happened; just briefly. The way it is now leaves the reader wondering what
you are talking about and curious as to what happened that season for you to
actually pick it out and reference it.
Conclusion:
o Your conclusion was well written. All in all, I liked it very much, it pretty much
perfectly summed up your paper and your main points as well as explained why
they were important. I like how you showed its importance by actually
incorporating certain examples such as how a politician should actually act
because viewers/ audiences would respond better if he/ she acted real and
whatnot.
On Jacobs Assignment:
Introduction:
o I like the way your introduction is. Especially with how the hook for the first
paragraph was also a question. Not only does it engage the reader, but it also
makes them wonder what the answer is, therefore, making them more interested

to read the rest of the paper. I also like how it has quite a bit of information. Even
though it is just on what the student union does, for an introductory paragraph,
that is all that it needs.
Introduction:
o I like how direct you are in your paper. What I mean is, the way you write/ the
information you give leaves no doubt in the readers mind about what it is you are
doing or what part of the paper you are on. For example, in your last paragraph of
the introduction, you specifically state, I will start by objectively summarizing
the literature used in my research. And then you go into the literature review.
The way you do this allows the reader to really know what part of the paper you
are on and thus let them know what they should be looking for/ expecting.
Literature Review:
o In your first paragraph of the literature review you specifically stated where your
source came from. I like that you did that. Especially since you found it from
Google Scholar. Since you found it from a good place, and the reader knows that,
they are far more likely to really listen/ believe what you say about the student
union.
Literature Review:
o In your third paragraph of your literature review you show a different side of the
student union. This is cool. The way you did it allows the reader to see a different
side to the student union and realize that it is not all perfect like it sounds in
previous paragraphs. Though, I feel like this information should be last, or at the
beginning of the literature review. This is because the first paragraphs of the
literature review talk about how the student union is good and has benefits and
whatnot, then you have this paragraph about the Asperger Syndrome which
causes some students to not like the student union, and then the paragraph after
that goes back to talking about how the student union benefits the campus.
Conclusion:
o I really like your conclusion. For a few different reasons. First off, I like how you
stated your opinion on the student union right at the beginning. It left no doubt
what you thought of it. Then you accurately explained its importance without
being too wordy. And the rest of the conclusion was nice and short. It gave a good
point and was right to the point. But was still able to make the reader think about
the topic.