Peer reviews were one of the most helpful parts of my ENGL 1102

class. Before this class I had mostly only thought of peer reviews as a form of
proofreading, where all you did was look for grammatical errors and syntax
problems. Throughout my time in this course though, I realized that peer
reviewing can greatly help the reader and writer discover new ideas and take
their papers in entirely new directions. Now I love to get as many people to
read my papers as possible and see what direction they think I should move
my paper. Reading other peoples papers and getting feedback on my own
were so incredibly helpful for my writing. By doing peer reviews I got to see
my classmates unique ideas and writing styles. This helped me to in turn
think differently myself and allowed me to come up with all kinds of new
ideas.
In the example below, I show the comments I made on a paper while
peer reviewing during the semester. I paid close attention to the flow of the
paper and tried to make sure everything was worded properly. I also did my
best to ensure that the thesis and topic sentences were connected well. Its
very important to keep your focus narrow and someone other than the writer is
much better at identifying when a writer is moving too far off topic or away
from his original points. Overall I tried to give friendly advice and inform my
classmate about how he could best improve his essay.

Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep

By Erin Box

Commented [Z1]: Dont forget to put the final product in

MLA format.

Does the use of technology (empathy box/ mood organ) to achieve emotions, such as
empathy, make these emotions less human? In a world where the best of mankind has

Commented [Z2]: It might be a good idea to give a little

more background knowledge on the world in the novel.

vacated the planet, those who are left behind attempt to keep in touch with their own
humanity by placing emphasis on human emotion, particularly empathy. In this world,
however, there are few people remaining with whom to form personal relationships. In
order to overcome the obstacle that is isolation, people use technology such as the empathy
box and mood organ to regulate their feelings and connect with others. It is assumed that
using these technologies makes people feel more connected and aware of each other, but if

Commented [Z3]: The start of this sentence is too similar

to your previous one, maybe start it with This is difficult
however, because?
Commented [Z4]: Dont start three sentences in a row
with the same word.

one looks closely, it appears as though the use of technology may be replacing actual
human interaction and lessening the value of true empathy and emotion.
In the novel, emotion is seen as the main trait that distinguishes humans from nonhumans. The religion of the culture in this novel, Mercerism, is centered on the concept of
empathy and having feelings for and connections with others. This seems ironic, when we
see that (specifically in the case of Iran, as observed by her husband, Rick) when followers
of Mercerism grasp the handles of the empathy box to connect with Mercer, they become
detached from reality and actually detach themselves from the real people in their lives.
This raises the question; does the empathy box create the need for an empathy box in the
first place? And can the artificial connection it creates replace actual human bonds?
In the beginning of the novel, when Iran is an adamant follower of Mercerism and user
of the empathy box, and Rick is a major proponent of the mood organ, their marriage and
personal relationship is very unhealthy. They cannot get along and are already fighting
almost as soon as they wake up. As opposed to interact, like one would expect a married
couple to, Iran fuses with Mercer, and Rick dials moods for both of them using their mood
organs. These technologies had taken the place of human interaction in the case of this
marriage. Towards the end of the novel, after Mercer had been exposed as a fraud, Rick and
Irans relationship began to show signs of significant change. In the last scene, Rick passed
up the opportunity to dial a mood using his mood organ, and Iran chose to cope with the
situation of the toad without fusing with Mercer. In this same passage, the relationship
between Iran and Rick seemed to be as healthy as it had ever been. The couple spoke
amicably towards each other, and Iran, out of care for her husband, chose to appreciate and

Commented [Z5]: I think you thesis would sound better if

you fully back your claim and dont use phrases like it
appears and may that state the obvious. Dont act like
youre on the fence about what youre claiming.
Commented [Z6]: I like the claim youre making with your
thesis that technology is replacing actual human interaction
in the novel lessening the value of empathy.
Commented [Z7]: You dont need to state In the novel
its unnecessary.
Commented [Z8]: This is worded kind of weirdly, maybe
change it to The dominant religion in this novel?
Commented [Z9]: Maybe change to This is ironic,
because?
Commented [Z10]: This is a good evidence that you could
expand on and analyze instead of just using it as a minor
add on.
Commented [Z11]: Use a synonym for detach like
remove, since you already used the word detached in this
sentence.
Commented [Z12]: *questions
Commented [Z13]: This entire paragraph feels a bit weak
and more like youre introducing concepts that youre going
to touch on later in your paper. Perhaps you could combine
this second paragraph with your first one or elaborate a bit
more on emotion in this paragraph?
Commented [Z14]: This topic sentence is way too wordy.
Leave out the additional info for now and include it later in
the paragraph. Just trim it down to be something like In the
beginning of the novel Iran and Ricks personal relationship
is very unhealthy.
Commented [Z15]: Reword this, maybe Instead of
interacting like a normal married couple?
Commented [Z16]: *their
Commented [Z17]: Id change this to After Mercerism
has.

care for the frog (that she believed) meant a lot to him. This was the fist time in the novel a

Commented [Z18]: Good point here, way to show how

their relationship changes without technology.

human couple demonstrated emotions and actions that one would expect in a legitimate

Commented [Z19]: *first

married couple who had feelings for one another. From this observation, it appears that

Commented [Z20]: Just use the word marriage here, or

trim the sentence down some more. Its worded strangely.

when technology is out of the way, true human relationships have the opportunity to
blossom.
If the ability to experience emotion, particularly empathy, is what sets humans apart
from androids, then why do humans feel the need to use technology to experience these
emotions? Some major themes of the novel Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep are: what

Commented [Z21]: I feel like you could make this topic

sentence simpler and more clear and concise.

is human and the dichotomy of human versus inhuman. As Jill Galvan discussed in her
1997 paper, this novel interrogates a fixed definition of the human subject and at last
acknowledges him as only one component of the living scene. In a world where androids

Commented [Z22]: Nice source! Make sure to include the

citation.

talk about loving one another (as in the case of Irmgard and Roy Batty) and humans need to

Commented [Z23]: Expand on this and analyze it!

dial a number on a mood organ to get along with their own spouses, how do we know
where do we draw the line between what is human or inhuman? That is where the VoightKampff test comes in to play. It is supposed the subjects ability to feel empathy, the most
human emotion. But each time the test is administered, it becomes evident that every test
question focuses on human empathy towards animals (animals who were, in many
scenarios, inhumanely treated by humans). No questions tested for empathy towards

Commented [Z24]: Expand on this idea. What evidence

backs up the claim youre making here?

another human. Because many people lack the extreme empathy towards animals that
appears to be expected in this story, it seems as though these tests would be difficult for
many true humans to pass. Thus, making it appear that these empathy and emotion
technologies have set the expected norm for human feeling above what they would

Commented [Z25]: Why should I believe this, what

evidence supports it?

naturally be. Because of this hunt for perfect humanity, true humanity is no longer enough.
If humans use technology to increase empathy and emotion in order to become more

Commented [Z26]: I feel like youre making a big claim at

the end of your paragraph here. You should stay focused on
why humans feel the need to use these technologies like
you outlined in you topic sentence.

human, does this mean that androids, if using the same or similar technology, could ever fit
under the category of human? If there is a new, dynamic, definition of what is or is not
human, then if and when will the two meet? In the beginning of this novel, androids are
depicted as being cold, unfeeling machines. As the novel progressed, androids were given

Commented [Z27]: Once again your topic sentence feels

too wordy and could be made more clear and concise.
Definitely thing about rewording this.
Commented [Z28]: Make sure to put in a citation of your
quotes in these sentences.

more and more human qualities (Luba Luft was a beautiful opera singer who appreciated
art, Rachael seemed very fond of Rick, and Roy and Irmgard appeared to have genuine
feelings for one another). Over time, Philip K. Dick lead the reader to believe that androids
were not so different from us humans (after all, they are made out of organic matierials), so
we consider that maybe, just maybe, they do have the ability to experience emotion.

Commented [Z29]: Go into more detail with these points!

Tell me why theyre true and expand on your evidence and
analyze it.
Commented [Z30]: How does Philip K. Dick do this?

However, towards the end of the book androids start to do evil, inhumane things, like
pulling the legs off a spider. As we read this passage it becomes clear that androids are not

Commented [Z31]: You can develop this further and talk

about some of the other inhuman actions of the androids.

and could never be human. After all, what human would do something as heinous as to cut

Commented [Z32]: Dont make such a big claim like this

towards the end of our paragraph, focus on what you laid
out in your topic sentence.

the legs off of a spider? No one, right? This turn of events causes the reader to bring into

Commented [Z33]: I like the sarcasm, made me laugh.

question his own humanity as he judges that of the androids in the story.
In the end we are brought back to contemplate the validity of the use of the mood organ
and empathy box to control human emotion. Perhaps the widespread use of the mood organ
and empathy box have created a new definition of what it means to be human, and perhaps
this new definition was made (at least in part) for the purpose of excluding androids from
what we call human. But are these enhanced traits even human, or have we lost true
humanity in search of a humanity that excludes androids?

Commented [Z34]: I like this point, good job of ending

somewhere different from where you started. The direction
you take at the end here with the definition of being human
changing is very interesting.

I think you're headed in a good direction with your essay. You have some very good
points that have been developed fairly well. I would maybe improve some of your topic
sentences a bit and make sure that they encompasses the main idea of the paragraph and
your paper. Maybe add a bit more background information to the start of your paper and
make the second paragraph contain more detail since it feels very underdeveloped. You
also have a tendency to veer off topic in a lot of your paragraphs so be careful about only
talking about what you outline in your topic sentence. There is also a ton of evidence you
could analyze a bit more, basically everything you put in parentheses falls into this
category. You could also potentially expand on the outside source more and include an
additional quote or two from the source you used or another source entirely. Overall good
work.