CaM 50 of tae ge chee Aftermath of a Fight or Disagreement . Instructions: "This exercise is a guide for processing and evaluating a fight or any discussion of an issue that did not go well. The goal is to increase understanding between the two of you without falling back into the disagreement. ‘The belief here is that there is no absolute “reality” in a disagreement but rather there are two “subject realities”, ‘This form is designed to help you get at these two realities and to ease similar situations in the future. 1. Feelings Each of you is to take turns describing what you were feeling during the disagreement. ‘You ‘may either chose from the list below or come up with your own description. Remember to keep your comments simple and keep to the format “I felt... avoiding statements such as, “felt like you. 2. 24, I felt defensive, Tfelt listened to. My feelings got hurt, felt understood. Melt angry. felt sad, felt happy. felt misunderstood. I felt criticized, . I didn't take my partner's complaints personally. 1 felt like my partner didn’t even like me. felt cared for. I was worried. |. [felt afraid, I felt safe. 3. Twas relaxed. | felt Iwas right and my partner was wrong. . [felt that both of us were partly right, felt out of control. . felt in control. |. [felt righteously indignant. felt we were both morally justified in our views. 1 felt unfairly picked on. felt appreciated. 5. 1 felt unappreciated. [felt unattractive. I felt attractive. 3 . I was morally outraged. . I felt taken for granted. ). I didn’t feel taken for granted. I felt like leaving. . [felt like staying and talking through, Twas overwhelmed with emotion . [felt calm. I felt powerful. elt powerless. Tfelt I had no influence. I felt I could be persuasive. felt like my opinions didn’t even matter. ‘There was a lot of give and take. . Thad no feelings at all. . Thad no idea what I was feeling. 1 felt lonely. }. I felt alienated. . Other feelings? Copyright © 2000, 2001, 2004, 2006 by The Gottman Institue, Inc. All rights reserved,Aftermath of a Fight (continued) 2. Share your subjective reality. Summarize your own reality about the disagreement. What was the reality for you? 3. Find something in your partner’s story that you can understand, Now, try and see how your partner's subjective reality might make sense, given your partner's perspective. Tell your partner about one piece of his/her reality which makes sense to you 4, Are you Flooded? Check and see if either of you is flooded. If so, take a break and self-sooth before continuing. 5. Admitting your own role. Ivis essential that each of you take some responsibility for what happened. See if anything from the list below applies to your situation, Thave been very stressed and irritable lately. Thave not expressed much appreciation toward my partner lately. Lhave taken my partner for granted. Thave been overly sensitive lately. Thave been overly critical lately. Thave not shared very much of my inner world. Thave not been emotionally available. Thave been turning away from my partner. Thave been getting easily upset. . Ihave been depressed lately. + Twould say that I have a chip on my shoulder lately. Thave not been very affectionate. }. [have not made time for good things between us. Thave not been a very good listener. 5. Lhave not been asking for what I need. Thave been feeling a bit like a martyr. . Thave needed to be alone. Thave not wanted to take care of anybody. PRI AVAwNE =s BSSRESS Add your own, Overall, my contribution to this fight ws 6. Making it better in the future 1. What is one thing your partner could do differently next time? 2. What is one thing you could do differently next time? Copyright © 2000, 2001, 2004, 2006 by The Gottman Institute, Inc. All rights reserved.