Getting together: Ting hun or pamamanhikan?

By XXXXXX
Sub: For Chinoys who are balancing two rich cultures in their hands, the question
of which tradition to uphold must be decided early on
BOTH the Chinese and Filipino ethnicities are cultures with rich and colorful
traditions, especially when it comes to weddings. But with modern times, and
with more people of different races intermarrying, some of the standing wedding
traditions seem to be blurred, compromised, omitted for practicalitys sake, or
helplessly lost in translation. And for the Chinoys, who are balancing two rich
cultures in their hands, the question of which tradition to uphold must be decided
early on.
A first step on the couples painstaking journey to couplehoodthat, is if they
choose to do things the traditional wayis to decide whether they will go Chinese
or Filipino. Will it be a kiu hun or a pamamanhikan? Either way, the kiu hun or
pamamanhikan is given importance in both the Filipino and Chinese communities,
since it is where new ties and relationships are creatednot only between the
couple, but among the members of their families and their ancestors, who forged
relationships in a similar manner. Whichever the couple decides to go with, here
are some Chinese and Filipino traditions to bear in mind when going about the
formality of asking for the brides hand.
For Filipinos, the pamamanhikan is the first (often awkward) meeting of the two
families. In the modern setting, this is just a formality between the the guys and
the girls families, since we assume that the guy already popped the question to
the girl on a prior datemore like asking for the parents blessing. But on a more
traditional note, there are some colorful old practices among Filipinos that fall
under this formality.
In the olden days, there is what they call paninilbihan. The man who wishes to
marry into a traditional family must offer himselfmore specifically, his service
to the womans family, in lieu of a dowry. To prove his sincerity, he must
accomplish household chores like fetching water, chopping firewood, and other

errands for a year. Even though there are still traditional families in the provinces
who still demand for paninilbihan, this is already quite unheard of in modern
Filipino families.
Instead, some simpler tasks are casually expected of a man when he pays a visit to
his bride-to-bes house, which might be a rather subconscious practice of the
paninilbihan process. Simpler tasks meaning driving the future in-laws to the
supermarket for groceries or even changing busted lights. Simple tests, one might
call it, for the family to make sure that they are marrying their daughter off to an
able and genuine guy.
Another interesting Filipino pamamanhikan practice is the pamalaye in Cebu. This
requires a more laborious preparation, since the guys family would visit the girls
home bringing all sorts of gifts like food, wine, and even musicians. They would
also bring with them two supposedly wise people learned in the art of debate,
called the Mamae and the Sagang. These two would represent each party, one
for the mans family and one for the womans, and would thoroughly discuss
binding contracts. Upon reaching an agreement and both parties are satisfied, the
two families finally enjoy each others company by taking delight in the small
festivity brought earlier by the guys family.
On the other hand, Chinese kiu hun traditions also have faint similarities to the
pamamanhikan practices of indigenous Filipinosonly with more specific and
elaborate details.
The Chinese way of formally asking for the brides hand is slightly similar to the
pamalaye. The man who wishes to marry a woman would visit her house,
together with his parents and one married sibling. In the absence of a married
sibling, a male unmarried sibling would do. The mans party would bring food to
symbolize fortune and prosperity, like round fruits, sweets, and sticky cakes. In
return, the womans family would receive the other family with homemade
noodles and sticky sweets. There are also circumstances when both families
would agree to meet on neutral ground, like a restaurant. In this case, it is
traditionally the guys family who must pay for the meals and the reservation,
although less traditional couples would split the bill.

Going down to the specifics of the event, the meeting requires that there be an
equal even number of members from both sides of the family. And for some
reason, younger unmarried siblings from both sides arent encouraged to join the
encounter. Nevertheless, there is only one reason for both families to go through
all the nitty-gritty of these details: to discuss the date, guest list, and other
specifics of the ting hun (engagement) and the wedding. And since it is technically
the man asking for the womans hand, it is the responsibility of the mans family
to bring to the table a list of favorable auspicious dates for the ting hun and the
wedding.
For older Chinese families, the mans family would normally hold the cards, since
they are the ones footing the billall of it. This is also applicable to more
traditional and old rich families who arrange the marriage between their sons and
daughters to strengthen the family name. But modern Chinese and Chinoys would
go about everything the simpler and more practical waythey do away with the
things they can do without, and let the couple save up for their wedding.
Although there are some Chinese-Filipino couples who would skip the toils of kiu
hun and even the ting hun for practicality, there are still couples who want to
keep themselves rooted in their culture, and do things the way they have always
been done. At the end of the day, whichever they prefer to doto ting hun or to
pamamanhikan or to just leave formalities behind and go straight to the I dos
all the pre-wedding, wedding, and post-wedding details are just tthere to make
the couple stronger for the tougher challenge ahead of them: the marriage.