A Biblical Approach To Pre-Marriage Counseling

A BIBLICAL APPROACH
TO
PRE-MARRIAGE
COUNSELING
A BIBLICAL APPROACH
TO
PRE-MARRIAGE
COUNSELING
BY
WM. R. WEIR
ISBN 0-88172-204-9
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TABLE OF CONTENTS
Foreword ........................................................................................
Acknowledgements .........................................................................
Introduction ..................................................................................
THE SESSIONS ............................................................................
INTRODUCTION ........................................................................
SESSION ONE .............................................................................
The Importance of Pre-marital Counseling ...............
Marriage Involves Conflict .................................
Groundrules for Counseling Sessions ......................
This is who I am ..............................................
Situations which may contribute to marriage problems .
SESSION TWO .............................................................................

The Seriousness of The Marriage Covenant ...............
SESSION THREE .........................................................................
ASSIGNMENT #1 ............................................
What Real Love is

What Marriage is
What is my Part in This P roposed Mar riage
SESSION FOUR ...........................................................................
ASSIGNMENT #2 ............................................
M y L o ve Fo r T h i s Pe r s o n
Goals of Marriage
Why not Stay Single?
G o d s V i e w o f M a r r i a g e
G o d s V i e w o f M a r r i a g e . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
SESSION FIVE .............................................................................
ASSIGNMENT #3 ............................................
H o w L o v e A f f e c t i o n a n d Wa r m t h a r e C o m m u n i c a t e d
M a r r i a g e I n v o l v e s Tw o Fa m i l i e s
I n f l u e n c e s To M a r r i a g e A t t i t u d e s
SESSION SIX................................................................................
ASSIGNMENT #4 ............................................
What can I Contribute to This Marriage?

What is my Spouse Bringing to This Marriage?
Spiritual Principles Essential to Children
G o d s w o r d t o p a r e n t s . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
G o d s w o r d t o d a d s . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
G o d s w o r d t o m o m s . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
SESSION SEVEN .........................................................................
ASSIGNMENT #5 ............................................
Our roles in marriage ........................................
This is What I am Like as a Person

SESSION EIGHT ..........................................................................
ASSIGNMENT #6 ............................................
Time Spent W ith Parents in-Laws

What is a Budget? ............................................
Why a Budget? ................................................
How to Budget ................................................
G u i d el i n e to E va l u a te Yo u r M a j o r E x pe n s e s . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Ho w to Tra i n Yo u r C h i l d i n M o n e y M a t te r s . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Potential Trouble Spots

SESSION NINE ............................................................................
Communication
Seven Wise Descisions
The Honeymoon ...............................................
Sex in the Marriage Context ................................
N o w T h a t We a r e O n e
Birth Control .................................................
Source Material for The Sexual Side of Marriage .......
P l a n n n i n g t h e We d d i n g : . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Hi n t s Fo r R e c e p t i o n . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Marriage Information Sheet ................................
P r e l i m i n a r y We d d i n g I n f o r m a t i o n . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
BIBLIOGRAPHY ..........................................................................
FOREWORD
The contents of this pre-marriage guide will be a great help to
those who desire to minister to couples entering the marriage relationship.
I have used this material since 1983, during which time it was in
its preparatory form.
Although I have not followed the contents of each session rigidly,
I have found this material to be an excellent guide for both counselor
and the couple being counseled.
The assignments are very eective in provoking thought about
areas of possible conflict in the marriage relationship that the couple
would not otherwise have addressed before marriage. The questions
also provide opportunity for open, honest, and prayerful discussion
on sensitive issues that come up as a result of the assignments.
Each couple is uniquecoming from a dierent set of backgrounds. Using this pre-marital counseling program as a guide will
prove to be a useful tool in helping to establish open and frank communication with the couple.
Bill Weir has counseled with many couples and has developed and
assembled the contents of this publication over a period of at least
fifteen years. It is from this background of experience that he has
been able to handle this material competently and also to apply it
practically.
Samuel E. Tissot
ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS
Without the encouragement and help received from a number of
people, this volume would not be in existence.
Special recognition is oered to Eugene P. Vedder, Jr. for saying on
numerous occasions, You really should get that material into print,
and then for using his computer to improve the set-up of the pages. I
wish to thank Grant Steidl for suggestions made regarding wording.
The permission to use some of the answers to assignments submitted by various couples is greatly appreciated. The responses will enable
the reader to better understand the scope of the questions.
Finally, I would give to my wife, Mollie, the public expression of
my thanks and love for reading and rereading the manuscript many
times and making valued suggestions.
May this book be used for the glory of God and the blessing of His People.
WM. Weir
INTRODUCTION
Numerous books have been written as guides to pre-marital counseling. That is good. Some books pretend to be written from a biblical perspective but oer very little actual biblical guidelines for those
who desperately need the help the Scriptures can give. This book is
written with a desire to explore the subject of marriage from Gods
point of view and to give help from the One who invented marriage.
My wife and I have been involved in counseling young couples
for over fifteen years. Shortly before that, when asked by a couple to
perform their marriage ceremony, we determined that it was necessary to help them as much as possible by providing spiritual direction in their plans. Because these young people were, at that time,
finishing their studies at a distant university, any planned counseling
proved to be next to impossible. However as other couples followed
the first, a program of open discussion was formulated, culminating
in about twelve hours of counseling sessions, each one taking one and
a half to two hours. From this program has grown the material which
makes up this book.
One of the blessings of the time spent in working with young
couples in pre-marital counseling is the loving relationships which are
developed between those counseled and those doing the mentoring.
In some cases, on-going counseling may continue after the marriage
has taken place.
Involvement with a young couple in pre-marital counseling usually
begins when they ask me, Will you perform our wedding ceremony?
My response has been, Do you realize that, if I am to ociate at your
wedding, it will involve about twelve hours of counseling before the
wedding? This question will require a yes answer and an agreement
to meet with my wife and me to discuss what is involved.
During this initial contact I generally add, Im going to say something now which may seem oensive. It is not meant that way, but
knowing what goes on in the world I must say it. Then I add, I hope
you are not already involved in sexual activities. If you are, I must ask
you to stop until after the wedding. Then I explain that to be involved
sexually prior to marriage is contrary to Scripture, is sin against God,
and must not be continued. I point out that I have spoken with a
number of married people who wished they had waited till after they
were married, but not one who did wait has expressed regret at not
having had sex before marriage.
THE SESSIONS
We have found that each session lasts at least an hour and a half.
One of our main purposes is to begin to establish open and frank
communication between the couple. One of the chief causes of marital
breakdown and one that can be a continuing problem throughout any
marriage is that of not having open and honest communication. We
encourage the couple while they are engaged to share information
about themselves so that each may really know what makes the other
tick. What happened to me way back in grade four may have had a
significant impact on who I am! There may be areas that the couple
have never talked about together such as What will we do if we find
we are unable to have children? There are a number of those dicult
areas that we will introduce as this book proceeds.
INTRODUCTION
It has been a help to have my wife Mollie sit in on each session so
that the bride may feel totally comfortable and so that the womans
viewpoint may not be missed. As we work through the sessions I
often ask Mollie for her input on a topic. She, in turn, feels free to add
her input as we go along.
We begin each session with prayer asking the Lord for guidance
and that He might reveal any areas that may need special attention.
We also pray that we might see Gods truth in the Scriptures used. At
the conclusion of each session we pray together, again asking God to
help us to profit from what we have discussed and to continue to lead
us as the sessions continue.
Our first discussion or session has to do with the necessity for
pre-marriage counseling, so we work with the material which follows,
entitled The importance of pre-marital counseling.
SESSION ONE
The Importance of Pre-marital Counseling
If you go back a generation or so to the years following World
War 2, you can scarcely find a couple who were married during that
time who first had pre-marriage counseling. Why then is it so necessary now? Probably the most important reason is that people of
that era, whether Christian or not, when they were wed, they were
determined to stay married. Because of the present worldly attitude
toward marriage and fidelity, marriages are now subject to intense
pressures which did not exist in the nineteen-forties. Young people,
whether they are Christians or not, need all the help and Biblical
direction they can get.
When you consider that many years of schooling and training
are required for most jobs todayjobs which will generally last less
than 15-20 yearshow much more important it is to receive help
for a marriage which in the will of the Lord could last 50 to 60
years!
The Christian biblical perspective views marriage as a relationship which will only terminate with death. A committed Christian
minister or pastor is not interested in performing weddings in
which divorce is an option. Nor will he be interested in performing a wedding between a believer and an unbeliever, because this
is contrary to Gods mind and is a serious unequal yoke. See 2
Corinthians 6:14.
Marriage Involves Conflict
Two people who marry will in the process unite themselves in
every aspect of their being. They will become intertwined psychologically, physically, intellectually, spiritually, and socially. Each of
these can become potential areas of conflict.
In spite of the fact that they are entering into the oneness of the
marriage relationship, the bride and groom are dierent in almost
every way that one can think of. They are of dierent sexes and
from dierent family backgrounds. They have dierent attitudes
and customs. They perceive things dierently. They are possibly
from dierent church backgrounds and were brought up in dierent
neighborhoods.
SESSION ONE - THE IMPORTANCE OF PRE-MARITAL COUNSELING
As life together begins, many adjustments will have to be made

in the lives of both people. Its not just mine anymoreits ours.
This applies to car, furniture, time, money, friends, family, living
space, and dwelling. We have known several couples who have purchased homes prior to their marriage. Usually one person of the
couple moves into the house to maintain it. It is not long before that
person has arranged the master bedroom and washroom to suit his
or her personal preferences.
Suppose it is the prospective groom who occupies the home. It
is not long before he has the bedroom closet arranged to eciently
display his clothing. The washroom is organized to have everything
at hand. Imagine his chagrin after his marriage to suddenly discover that instead of all that delightful space in the closet he must
now organize his clothing in half the space. The bathroom with
everything so available now is festooned with pantyhose and other
articles of feminine clothing and beauty aids. It takes real commitment and a desire to make the marriage work if the couple is to
succeed together.
There are also physical adjustments to be made. My body isnt
just mine anymore, nor my privacy. His or her family is now mine
with all that that involves. Some people marry a person whose family
they can hardly stand, thinking that after they are married they will
have nothing to do with their spouses family. This is not true. Each
married person will find that they are intricately interwoven with
the family of their spouse whether they like it or not.
Groundrules for Counseling Sessions
Total honesty and frankness is required. If a person is not being
totally frank with his or her intended, this can lead to problems
further on. A marriage built on deception is in trouble.
No subject should be considered taboo or o limits by the
couple. The counselor should be prepared to give honest and complete answers to questions asked.
The couple should be assured of the integrity of the person(s)
doing the counseling. Anything shared is to be in total confidence.
It would be of great value if the counselor would make himself
available to the couple even after the wedding takes place. We have
found it helpful to try to get together with the couple a year after
the wedding. As well as being available to help, we also would like
to know whether there were areas the couple felt we either did not
cover at all or did not cover suciently.
Some of the sessions will involve assignments that the couples
complete prior to the session. The measure in which the couples do
the assignments is the measure of benefit they will get out of them.
Note: Counselors have found, and so have many couples, that the
commitments made prior to marriage seem to be more important and
binding than some made after the wedding.
This is who I am
During the first session the couple should have the opportunity
to tell something of their back-ground. This exercise helps the counselor to see areas of possible problem. It also assists the couple being
married to begin sharing in front of the other and with the mentoring
person(s). Some suggested topics are listed, others can be added. The
idea is not to pry but to get to know the couple well.
1. National background.
2. Family history. (Where have you lived? Any significant happenings which have aected you as a person?)
3. Number of brothers and sisters.
SESSION ONE - THIS IS WHO I AM
4. Position in the family (youngest, oldest, etc.). How do you feel

about being in that position?
5. Relationship with parents.
6. How did you meet the person you intend to marry? What attracted you to that person?
7. How long have you known each other?
8. When did you know he/she was the one for you?
A BIBLICAL APPROACH TO PRE-MARRIAGE COUNSELING
9. How do you spend your time on dates?
10. What is your pet peeve?
11. What character trait do you most admire in other people?
12.What were the circumstances of your salvation?
Situations which may contribute to marriage problems

1. One of the couple is a Christian and the other is not. One,
having realized that he or she is a sinner, has believed on the Lord
Jesus Christ. He or she, understanding that Jesus came to earth to
redeem sinners, has accepted the cleansing and forgiveness provided through Christs finished work on the cross and has received
eternal life. The other has not. For two such people to marry is
contrary to the Word of God (see 2 Cor. 6:14) and can only lead
SESSION ONE - SITUATIONS WHICH MAY CONTRIBUTE TO MARRIAGE PROBLEMS
to serious problems in the marriage. Scripture also says, Can two

walk together unless they are agreed? (Amos 3:3 NKIV).
2. Perhaps the bride or the groom was brought up in a single-parent
home. This may cause problems because the single parent had to
fulfill the tasks of both partners. How is the bride or groom to know
what the unique role of the missing parent should have been? Let
us go back one more generation. Suppose the father of the groom
came from a one-parent home. Having not had a dad, the grooms
father may not have been able to know just what a dads proper role
is. We are familiar with a family in which the father of the groom
was deserted by his dad at a very early age. When he had children
(the groom was the oldest of these), he made many mistakes which
influenced the grooms thinking in many ways. The groom, though
he had a dad, did not have a good model of the love and care, or of
the discipline, which he himself would need to be a good father.
3. Possibly the groom had no sisters. What does he know of a womans
menstruation period? It would be well if he could be informed that
at certain times of the month his wife may seem like a dierent
person. His understanding of this ordinary function can help a
great deal at this sometimes dicult time.
4. Sometimes unresolved diculties exist in the minds of engaged
persons which can cause serious problems later. More and more
we are hearing of people who were abused as children either sexually or in other ways. Deep hurts exist which need somehow to
be brought to light and a process of healing begun. We know of
a lovely married lady without children who was sexually molested
as a child. We wonder whether some of the fallout of that childhood experience is still going on. In another instance a wedding
was performed where the groom was a homosexual. Neither the
one performing the marriage nor the bride was aware of this situation. Following the honeymoon, where the marriage had not been
consummated, the marriage was annulled. Think of the heartache
which could have been avoided with proper counseling.
5. The bride and groom need to really know each other prior to marriage. They may know physical intimacy if they have engaged in
pre-marital sex, but still be strangers in other ways. We know of a
couple who had been intimate prior to marriage and had conceived
a baby, who found they didnt really know one another. She was an
organized, meticulous person; he can best be described as a slob.
When he got ready for bed at night he would undress and drapehis pants over his shoes so he could sleep a minute longer in the
morning and then jump into his shoes and pull on his pants like a
fireman. He was from a German background and enjoyed all the
German dishes such as sauerkraut and wiener schnitzel. His bride
did not know how to cook such dishes and said the odour of them
in the house made her sick. As you might imagine, this marriage
ended in divorce with the child suering the trauma of a broken
family.
6. Each person may be from a dierent religious or denominational
background though both are Christians. My wife (we grew up in
dierent denominational settings) has said many times during
our more than forty years together, Honey, it is not easy to unlearn
or to forget things learned in childhood. We have worked with
several couples who have struggled with how to happily deal with
this situation.
7. There may possibly be some physical problem that needs to be
brought to light. Has either perspective partner been exposed
to a sexually transmitted disease (AIDS, venereal warts, etc?) or
does one of the couple know in advance that they will be unable
to produce children. This must certainly be shared. We have experienced the devastating eect that this may cause even when one
learns of such a situation before marriage.
8. It is possible that one of the couple is heavily in debt and that the
future mate knows nothing of this. It is an unfair burden not to
share this information before marriage.
9. Sometimes the spiritual goals of the couple are not the same. The
Scripture says, Can two walk together unless they are agreed?
(Amos 3:3 NKIV). Where the goals are not the same, a tug-of-war
may result with little or no progress.
10. If a marriage is based only on physical attraction this may be an
inadequate base for the trials ahead. As the wife becomes pregnant
SESSION ONE - SITUATIONS WHICH MAY CONTRIBUTE TO MARRIAGE PROBLEMS
and is no longer the slim and graceful person she was, problems
may surface. As a person ages it becomes more and more dicult
to maintain that youthful beauty. Unless the marriage is based on
more than physical appearance, a bald head or a growing paunch
may bring disillusionment.
11. Some marriages have been based on a common interest such as
golf. When a family comes, the wife may be unable to continue to
play golf as before. If the husband is not restricted in the same way,
this may cause resentment on the part of the wife.
12.Another stress factor in marriage could be a truth not shared. If
one of the couple had been engaged but had second thoughts, this
should be shared. Possibly the person is feeling, Im not ready
for marriage; Im being forced into it by my mother or some other
person or circumstance. Having given my word I dont want to back
out even though I know that this marriage, for me, at this time is
not right. How much better to be open and discuss this prior to
marriage than have years of regret later.
13. Possibly there is deception as to ones motive for marriage. It could
be that I want to be the first child in my parents family to be
married. It may be that Im locked into fulfilling a vow made before
others at an unresponsible moment, such as, Ill be married by the
time Im 21. Possibly it might be to escape an uncomfortable home
situation or to get out on my own and run my own show. Maybe its
because Im afraid I may become an old maid or a lifetime bachelor;
or is it because of my need for aection or sexual release? If these
motives were faced and dealt with it could eliminate a lifetime of
unhappiness.
14. If one person of the couple is addicted to drugs or has been involved with drugs the other partner should know this. It will create
serious problems later if this is not shared before marriage.
To conclude this section we must point out that marriage involves
stress, boredom, frustration, hurt, heartache, adjustment, and not
getting my own way. But it can also be bliss, exciting, fun, fulfilling,
happy, and successful if based on the right motives and continually
worked on beginning right now.
SESSION TWO
The Seriousness of The Marriage Covenant
This section deals mainly with a number of the parts of the
common wedding ceremony. As I began checking the various sections
of the ceremony I was delighted to see how much is taken right from
Scripture. In going over this with the couple I stress that the marriage
ceremony is not just a quaint adjunct to the day but is in fact a covenant
involving God. We shall see how serious that can be.
1. Marriage is an honorable and holy estate instituted by God.
This phrase near the beginning of the ceremony says that marriage
itself is Gods idea. Genesis 2:18-25 shows us that God began marriage prior to Adam and Eves fall into sin. He has not changed that.
Psalm 68:6 tells us that He puts the solitary into families.
2. Dearly beloved, we are met together in the sight of God and
these witnesses to join.... This clearly states that the joining of two
persons in the bonds of holy matrimony is a covenant involving God.
Malachi 2:14,16 and Prov.2:16-17 both refer to marriage as a covenant
in which God is involved.
Just how serious a covenant involving God is, can be seen by reading
Joshua 9:3-6. The Israelites had been deceived by the Gibeonites who
had arrived wearing worn out clothes and shoes. They carried moldy
bread and worn out wineskins. The Gibeonites said they came from
a far country. Knowing the fierceness of the Israelites, they wanted
to make a peace treaty with them so they would be spared when the
Israelite army would arrive in their homeland. The Israelites did not
check with God before making a treaty. Later when the army realized
they had been tricked they wanted to annihilate the Gibeonites, but
Joshua would not allow it since a covenant involving God had been
made. The Gibeonites became slaves, cutting firewood and hauling
water.
An interesting sequel to this is found in King Davids time. Judah
had suered a famine for three years. David inquired of God and was
told that Saul during his reign (over 400 years after the covenant),
had oppressed the Gibeonites, breaking that old covenant. To end the
famine it was necessary that seven of Sauls descendants be killed. See
2 Samuel 21.
SESSION TWO - THE SERIOUSNESS OF THE MARRIAGE COVENANT
Covenants involving God are not to be taken lightly. It is worth

noting that the couple are pronounced husband and wife in the
name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit.
3. Marriage is instituted by God and sanctioned and honored
by Christs presence at the marriage in Cana of Galilee. This,
of course, refers to the account in John 2 where the Lord was
present at the marriage in Cana. It was at that time that our
Lord performed His first miracle in turning the water into wine.
Not only was our Lord present at the wedding to which He had
been invited, but He there revealed Himself as God by changing
a vast amount of water into the best wine ever tasted. Obviously
our Lord approved of marriage as something to be celebrated
with joy.
4. Into this holy estate these two persons now desire to enter:
Ephesians 5:22-33 declares that Christian marriage should be
an example to the world of the precious relationship which exists
between Christ and His Church. That relationship is totally
holy and righteous, and so should our marriages be if they are to
reflect it properly.
5. In Mark 10:9 (NIV) it is recorded that Jesus said in referring to
marriage, Therefore what God has joined together, let not man
separate. This speaks of Gods desire that marriages are to be
permanent. Our Lord does not intend that marriages should end
in divorce. In Malachi 2:15 God says, Let none deal treacherously with the wife of his youth. A little later in that chapter He
says that He hates divorce. This is another of Gods principles
that is brought into the marriage ceremony and needs to be considered very seriously before a couple takes this serious step.
6. Another of the clauses contained in the marriage ceremony says,
...and forsaking all others keep yourself only unto him/her so
long as you both shall live. Marriage involves fidelity. Beginning
way back in the Ten Commandments, God said, Thou shalt
not commit adultery. Sex within marriage is right and good.
Hebrews 13:4 says, Marriage is honorable among all, and the
bed undefiled; furthermore in Ecclesiastes 9:9 husbands are encouraged to enjoy life with your wife, whom you love (NIV).
I believe this to mean that there is to be a free sharing between

the husband and the wife.
7. Although not always part of the marriage ceremony (though
sometimes mentioned) marriage should be intended to produce
children. Unfortunately, in our present selfish age couples sometimes marry with the firm plan not to have children. This should
definitely not be in the thoughts of Christian couples. Psalm
127:3-5 tells us that children are a gift from the Lord. It should
be our great desire to be fruitful and multiply. What a privilege to
bring up children in the nurture and admonition of the Lord. In
some of our coming sessions we will deal with the great heartache
suered by those couples who would so much love to have children
and cannot.
8. Another item which is sometimes included in the marriage ceremony has to do with the wonderful privilege of hospitality. A
number of Scriptures encourage couples to be reaching out to
others by having them into their homes. I am most impressed
by the household of Stephanas (1 Car. 16:15) who addicted or
devoted themselves to the service of the saints. I can imagine a
drug addict with his whole desire centered on his next fix. Can
you imagine what it would be like if Christian married couples
were that desperate to serve others? Other Scriptures to consider
on this topic are Hebrews 13:2,16,21; 1 Peter 4:8-9 and Proverbs
11:24-25.
At the conclusion of Session 2 the bride and bridegroom are each
given a copy of Assignment #1. They are each expected to complete
the assignment and bring it to Session 3.
SESSION THREE - THE SERIOUSNESS OF THE MARRIAGE COVENANT
SESSION THREE
ASSIGNMENT #1
1. Write a short paragraph about what you think love is between a
man and a woman.
2. What is your definition of marriage?
3. What do you feel is Gods desire as to your part in this coming

marriage?
Working with Assignment #1

Since it deals with concepts rather than practical topics, assignment #1 is not an easy assignment. Though everybody talks about
love, almost nobody asks what love really is. Our purpose here is to
cause the couple to think seriously about what love really is and to verbalize this. The popular concept of love as seen on TV and in movies
portrays it as a shallow thing concerned mainly with sex.
As we meet with the couple for this session we again begin with
prayer. Then after asking if the couple have done their assignment,
we ask which one will volunteer to share the answer to Question #1,
which says, Write a short paragraph about what you think love is
between a man and a woman. As each shares, we comment on what
SESSION THREE - ASSIGNMENT
has been said and commend that person for the good points. Some of
the answers show a real depth of thought and reasoning while some
are much more simple and brief. Here is an example of one of the
more detailed:
Love has three aspects to it which encompass all facets of life.
Love is spiritual, emotional, and least of all, physical. I think the
most important aspect is spiritual because it will endure when
the others fail.
The spiritual aspect is the man I love and myself trying to do
Gods will in all parts of our life together. This alone will bind us
together as we share and grow as one. When there are problems
we will not only have each other to fall back on but we can both
rely on the Lord together for the answers.
The emotional aspect changes and deepens as love grows. It is a
commitment I feel to the man I love and he feels for me. Because
of this commitment we have the desire to do whatever we can for
one another. I want to bear/share whatever of his burdens that
I can, to protect him from any type of harm, and to help him
in any other way that I can. Because of our commitment to one
another I know he would do the same for me.
The physical aspect is least important to God but unfortunately
is often the most important to man. When the time comes it will
be a shared outpouring of the emotional aspect we share daily. It
is a demonstration of comfort and love in a non-verbal manner.
When we have listened to the comments of the couple and emphasized their important points, we then enlarge on this topic with
some of the following thoughts. We speak of the four kinds of love:
Agape, Eros, Stergo, and Phileo. We explain that Agape is Gods kind
of love and the type that He desires to see demonstrated in us. Agape
thinks of others at my expense as our Lord did in coming to earth,
taking the form of man, and dying in my place on the cross, being
judged by God for my sins.
Agape love is also a love which doesnt vary with performance.
So often, as the person who is the object of our love disappoints us
by his behavior, our love seems to fluctuate and vacillate. Gods love
does not. We should love our mates so that in spite of their performance we still love them. Ephesians 4:32 says, And be kind one to
another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ
forgave you. If God expects this standard among believers generally,
how much more between husband and wife? Agape love thinks of
the good of the loved one rather than of oneself. R. Stout, professor
of Psychology/Marriage, says, As each spouse asks what can I do
to bring greater happiness to my husband or my wife, and then acts
upon it gladly and willingly, love has the soil in which growth is likely
to take place. Doug Hayhoe says, Marriage counseling would end
if couples would be competing in thoughtful self-denial. Doug also
says, Unconditional love is the most wonderful gift that one can give
to another person.
Phileo is the love that is brotherly. This is why Philadelphia is
called the city of brotherly love. It is the love that is freely shared
among friends and suggests to me a love of enjoying the company
of another, of being appreciated and welcomed. Certainly this is
also a part of marriage.
Eros is the love of passion. From this word we get the word erotic.
It suggests excitement and sex. This also is a part of marriage.
Stergo, as I understand it, is the love of complacency and satisfaction. It suggests to me, I accept you, I know you are here, Im
glad you are in my sphere also a part of marriage.
The diagram on the following page shows the four kinds of love
in the way most of us probably visualize it when we initially think of
marriage. The word Eros is prominent in the foreground while behind
it in smaller letters are Phileo and in still decreasing print Stergo and
very small in the background Agape. I think if God were drawing
that diagram we would probably see Agape very large in front, then
Phileo, Eros, and Stergo.
EROS
PHILEO
STERGO
AGAPE
In the third chapter of his book Preparing for Marriage, William

J. McRae lists ten tests for genuine love. We read this passage with
the couple and discuss those not touched on before.
We share two quotations with the couple that help to explain
what love is. The first is by Professor H. Norman Wright. In his book
Premarital Counseling (Moody Press) he says, A person is in love
with another individual when meeting the emotional needs of that
person becomes an emotional need of his or her own life. Professor
Wrights second quote says, Love means to commit oneself without
guarantee, to give oneself completely in the hope that our love will
produce love in the person loved.
No discussion of what love is will be complete without a close
look at the love chapter of the Bible: 1 Corinthians 13. There are any
number of commentaries on this passage which will explain and shed
light on the text. One we have found to be excellent is called Love Is
More Than a Tingle by Dr. Henry Brandt, published in the February
1982 issue of Good News Broadcaster.
Question 2. As with question 1, the couple share with us their
answers to this question. Having commended them on what was
profitable (and possibly expanding on that), we then begin to look
further at what marriage is.
Dr. David Hubbard says, A Christian marriage is a total commitment of two people to the person of Jesus Christ and to one another.
It is a commitment in which there is no holding back of anything.
Marriage is a pledge of mutual fidelity; it is a partnership of mutual

subordination. A Christian marriage is similar to a solvent, a freeing
up of the man and woman to be themselves and become all that God
intended for them to become. Marriage is the refining process that
God will use to have us develop into the man or woman He wants us
to become.
I am reminded by the phrase, the refining process of two ladies
who were in the habit of doing their daily devotions together. One
day while reading in Malachi 3 they came across verse 3, which says,
He will sit as a refiner and purifier of silver. Not being at all familiar
with silver refining, they decided to visit a small refinery in their area
and learn what they could. The manager of the business took them
into the shop where they were led to the work station of a man sitting
on a stool before a pot over a fire, in which was molten silver. As they
watched, from time to time they saw the refiner gently scrape away
and discard the dross which surfaced on the silver. The man explained
that this was how the impurities were removed. He also said it was
important not to let the metal get too hot or too cold but to keep it at
a specific temperature. The ladies asked, How do you know when the
silver is finally pure? His answer was, When I can see my face in it.
In like manner our Lord desires to remove the dross from our lives so
that His face can be seen in us. Wouldnt it be wonderful if the Lord
could use our marriages to accomplish that?
The third and final question of Assignment #1 asks,
What do you feel is Gods desire as to your part in this coming
marriage?
One bride, who now has been married for a good many years, expressed her answer in point form as seen on the following page.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
Rendering to my husband the honor due him (1 Cor. 7:3).

Submitting myself to my husband (Eph. 5:22).
Reverencing my husband.
Not departing from my husband (1 Cor. 7:10).
Obeying my husband.
Being in subjection to him.
Be such a wife that my husband can trust me.
Do good for my husband till death do us part or the Lord Returns
Working willingly in my God-given place.
Whatever the answers given, we discuss them with a view to

leading the couple to seriously consider what Gods desire is for
a Christian couple. Often the discussion leads to other topics.
Sometimes we discuss the put-down at this point. It is not uncommon for a husband or a wife, usually the husband, to put-down his
mate regarding something unresolved in their marriage in a situation
where it is not fair for her to respond. For instance: The couple is out
for dinner with another couple and the husband, irked again at his
wifes tardiness, mentions in a joking way that she is always late. You
think your wife is slow getting ready? Mary is so slow that last month
by the time she was ready I had already been to the concert and was
home again. If Mary responds to this in rebuke or anger she will be
called a poor sport. Her part is to sit there with a slight smile on her
face and realize she is not to be late again. The put-down is a very destructive force in a marriage. The husband and wife need to constantly
remind themselves that they are one, and that anything that would
tend to destroy that oneness must be avoided like the plague. How
much more beneficial to build up ones mate in public and deal with
the irritations in private.
At the conclusion of ASSIGNMENT #1, the couple is each
given ASSIGNMENT #2 and urged to complete it prior to the next
session.
SESSION FOUR
ASSIGNMENT #2
1. Why do you believe you are in love with the person you
intend to marry?
2. Describe the goals (not the responsibilities) you have in mind

for your marriage. That is, what is the purpose and direction of this
marriage, and what do you want this marriage relationship to accomplish?
3. Describe the educational, family, social, and economic background of your family and tell how you feel it compares with your
intendeds background.
4. What do you expect to get out of this marriage that you cant
get by remaining single ?
SESSION FOUR - ASSIGNMENT
WORKING WITH ASSIGNMENT #2

Question 1 of Assignment #2 is not easy. It is not the kind of question that is generally asked. However, because of the misinformation
(generated by the media) as to what love is, this question needs to be
addressed.
A bride who has now been married for some years answered as
follows:
Why do I believe I am in love with the person I intend to marry?
I love everything about him. I cannot even think about what it
would be like without him. I want to make him as happy as he can
be, and try to please him in everything. I feel the Lord picked him
out special just for me, and it is His will that we are together. I love
the way he talks, his overall way with people, his gentle loving way
with me, his understanding, and his sense of humor with others.
We understand each other so well and love and communicate so
well. We have such a close relationship and feel so comfortable
with each other. I believe I love and care for him so much because
I need him to be complete. His generous and considerate ways help
me to examine myself as a Christian. He is a real help to me. He
is my best friend!
Hopefully as this question is addressed the couple will be forced
to examine their own hearts as to whether they truly love each other
deeply. Should it be mere infatuation or should the desire to marry be
influenced by a desire to escape a present home situation, we would
hope that this would come out and be dealt with. Benjamin Schlesinger
and Shirley Tenhouse Giblon of the Guidance Centre, Faculty of
Education, University of Toronto have published a small book called
Lasting Marriages which looks at marriages in Canada to see why
some marriages last. One wife who had been married fifteen years
made these comments, Dont marry until youre ready to make a lifetime commitment to your partner. Marriage should never be considered
temporaryits permanent. Make sure that you really like the person
youre going to marry. You must be able to communicate with him and
trust him explicitly. You should have fun together and enjoy activities
together as well as apart.
Question 2: Describe the goals you have in mind for this marriage.
As we have done before, we may look at another answer submitted
by one of the young ladies with whom we have done pre-marriage
counseling. Her answer read:
First I want to put Christ as the center and head of our marriage.
To base our marriage around Him, and whenever anything is going
wrong, to pray about it and together let the Lord work it out with us.
I would want us to be an example of Christs love, to be a witness for
Him as a couple as well as individuals. I would like us to have children, Lord willing, and bring them up knowing and loving the Lord.
I want us to put the Lord first in our family as well as in our marriage.
I want us to attend meeting every week as well as Bible Study and
Sunday School; to study our Bible more at home; to think about the
Lord and discuss things more; to never let a day go by when we do not
read the Word of God.
Our desire as counselors is that each couple should consider deeply
what their goals for marriage are. These should be discussed together
prior to marriage so that each is aware of the aspirations of the other.
As couples agree prior to marriage, this can have a significant impact
in the years after the wedding.
Goals can include many things. Beside the spiritual, family goals
might be considered. Social objectives could be included. The more
aspects that are considered, the easier it will be for the couple to work
together for the years of their married life.
Question 3 asks the couple to describe the educational, family,
social, and economic background of their families. We know of couples
where one, who has a dierent family, economic or educational background from the other later resented the dierence between the two
of them. Although the dierences seemed to make little dierence
prior to their marriage, years later they brought heartache and sorrow
into it.
It is important at the pre-marriage counseling stage to discuss, as
thoroughly, as possible what the dierences are and how these dierences should be handled. We have known couples where one of the
partners has been very well o and the other has been brought up in
a family where every penny counted. One is a person who buys anything they like, at whatever cost, while the other shops carefully and
SESSION FOUR - ASSIGNMENT
buys bargain bin clothing and wears it. Dierences like this need to
be talked out in the counseling sessions.
Because of varied ethnic backgrounds our likes and dislikes as
to food and customs can be vastly dierent. If this topic can be well
explored, there will be fewer surprises after marriage.
The purpose in asking the fourth question What do you expect to
get out of this marriage that you cant get by remaining single?is to
cause the couple to examine their motives as to why they are planning
marriage at this time. One of the major things that a Christian couple
will get is sex. Not many individuals will be brave enough to put that
down as the single answer to the question. There are however many
benefits to married life, as can be seen in the five-point response of
one young lady in answer to question 4:
1.
A partner, someone whom I can love.
2.
Security.
3.
The ability to collectively make decisions.
4.
A Family.
5.
A second Mom and Dad.
These points could be discussed in this case because some were

significant for this couple. For starters, the prospective brides father
was not well and before long passed away. It was very important that
she have a second dad.
In her third answer this bride mentioned making decisions which
are combined decisions. This requires communication. One of the
needs for most couples is for meaningful communication. Often the
husband has had lots of talking at work and would like to just tune
out when he comes home. The wife, however, may have been with the
children all day and be almost crying out for adult conversation. It has
been said in jest that a woman has 50,000 words to say each day and
that a man only needs to say 5,000. By 5 P.M. he has used up most
of his quota while she has a desperate need to speak most of hers.
Though this statement cannot be proved by scientific experiment, it
still has some basis in fact.
It is important that the husband remove all distractions and give

his full attention to his wife when she has a need to talk. Sometimes
when my wife needs to impart some important information to me
she will say, Honey, I need you to listen because this is important.
Many of us who have daughters can probably remember times when
they were young, when, while being carried in our arms or sitting on
our laps, they would put one hand on each side of our face and look
directly into it as they shared something important. It seems to take
us men a long time to learn that our womenfolk need to talk to us
and that we need to really listen.
Gods View of Marriage
In seeking the scriptural definition of marriage we must, of
course, look at Genesis 2 and Ephesians 5 as well as other texts.
We have prepared a question sheet which we use with the couple in
working through these passages. Though they deal with the same
passages, the questions for the prospective bride are dierent from
the ones for the groom. In looking at Genesis 2:18 & 20 the bride
is asked, What does the term a help meet for him mean? Her
answer, as we discuss it, will help us to see that the bride is to be a
complement and aid to himone who will stimulate him to success
in all he endeavors. One couple suggested the thought of her being
a support system. The question for the man from this passage zeros
in on verse 18 and verses 23-24. His question asks, What is verse
18 saying about men, and to men? A groom may answer, I am
incomplete without her, and, God says I need help. In dealing
with verse 24 in particular he might say, That God was now starting a new interdependent unit which is separate from his parental
one. We might also point out that the word cleave means to stick
together like glue.
In turning to Ephesians 5 we first look at verse 21 where it says,
Submitting yourselves one to another in the fear of God. Knowing
that this applies to all believers, it must also apply to husbands and
wives. Since the following verses deal specifically with the wife, we
discuss whether the Scriptures can also mean that there are times
when the husband should be submissive to his wife. I believe that
the answer to this statement is yes. Many situations come up where
the wife needs her husbands help and time. Perhaps a wife and
mother has had a hectic day with the children and needs time away
SESSION FOUR - GODS VIEW OF MARRIAGE
from them. Often the husband comes home from work and his main
concern may be to get involved in something that stimulates a private
interest. It may be that he needs to set aside his personal priority at
that time to his wifes need to be away from the clamor of the children
for a little.
This would be a good place to speak of the dierences in the lists
that the husband and wife make up regarding the jobs they feel need
to be done around the home. Often the husbands will have to do with
the car or his workshop, while the wifes list may include painting and
decorating or repairs to appliances. It is important that the husband
consider her list as important as his. As the previous paragraphs have
said, the husband needs to surrender his priorities to his wifes at times
in order to keep them both happy.
The next question for the future bride is to explain in her own words
what verses 22-24 of Ephesians 5 are saying. These are the verses which
speak of the wife being submissive to her husband and of the husbands
headship. Many women in this so-called enlightened age immediately
resent this passage without really understanding it. Some women feel
that God is somehow relegating them to an inferior and demeaning
role. That is not the case. This speaks of Gods plan as to the dierent,
yet equally important roles, of the couple. For some time I was the vice
president of a Christian camp. I did not at all feel that because I wasnt
the president, I was, therefore, a second-class citizen. We found that
I served an important function as a check on the decisions of the one
ultimately responsible. The president often discussed ideas and plans
with me, and together we arrived at decisions to be made. Where these
decisions proved not to be the best it was the presidents responsibility, and I was happy it was. I believe that a wife serves in somewhat
the same capacity. Gods plan is that the husband is to be the one He
holds responsible for the family. The wife is there to provide all the
help and advice she can. If she is occupying her God-given role and
if the husband is loving his wife in the manner that God directs, the
marriage and family have a tremendous potential for success.
Another example which might explain the same principle has to
do with the British royal family. When the crown prince succeeds to
the throne, the princess will become the Queen. She will never be the
King, that is her husbands job. She will be no less royalty but she will
also be his most loyal subject. Together they fulfill the duties of the
monarchy. One has said that submission is the free gift of love that a
wife gives to her husband in response to Gods Word.
To further illustrate the previous point I would like to tell you

about a young couple who came to us for pre-marital counseling. Ken
(not his real name) was a quiet, polite, non-pushy type of person.
He didnt take any audible part in their church but remained in the
background. Kens fiancee Lisa was a vibrant, eervescent, outgoing
person. As we discussed the roles of the husband and wife we explained, to the couple, that they might have some problems because
of their personality dierences. We asked Lisa how she intended to
handle this problem. She said that she intended to help her husband
fulfill his God-given role in their marriage. After nine years of marriage, you would hardly know Ken as the same person. Having grown
as a Christian, he is the leader in their home and is active in their local
church. Lisa? Well, Lisa just smiles as she takes care of her husband,
her children, and her home.
Turning now to the questions for prospective grooms, the next
question for him asks, Explain what Ephesians 5:23 and 1 Corinthians
11:3 are saying. Verse 23 says, For the husband is head of the wife,
even as Christ is Head of the Church. This suggests that the husband
is to display loving leadership. The love of Christ does not demonstrate harsh dictatorship toward His Church. On the contrary His
love is one of gentle lovingkindness. If the husband would display his
leadership in the manner that Gods Word directs, the wife would
have no hesitation at being the kind of wife that enjoys his leadership
and helps him in any way she can.
1 Corinthians 11:3 says, The head of every man is Christ, the
head of woman is man, and the head of Christ is God. Some have
taken this to mean that the woman is somehow inferior to the man.
This cannot be true, for it would then mean that the members of the
Godhead are not equal. It does not convey superiority in personal
quality or moral nature, but has to do with functional authority as a
practical necessity in running human aairs. The same is true in the
roles of the husband and wife; each has a special and dierent role,
given by God, for the eective functioning of the family.
Moving on to the latter part of Ephesians 5:33 (NASB), the
bride is asked what the phrase Let the wife see that she respects
her husband really means. I believe it means that she must do her
utmost by her attitude, conduct, and behavior to prevent any discredit
from falling on him whose name she has taken. One young bride
answered the question by connecting this verse in Ephesians with
1 Corinthians 13:7 (Living Bible), which says, If you love someone
SESSION FOUR - GODS VIEW OF MARRIAGE
you will be loyal to him no matter what the cost. You will always
believe in him, always expect the best of him, and always stand your
ground in defending him.
The prospective groom is next asked to rephrase or state in
his own words what Ephesians 5:25 is saying. This verse reads,
Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the Church,
and gave Himself for it. As one ponders this verse, one can only
come to the conclusion that God expects the husband to be ready
even to give his life for his wife. What response this kind of love
would produce in a wife!
Then the groom is asked how verse 26 relates to his responsibility as a husband. Verse 26 is a continuation of verse 25 and goes
on, That He might sanctify and cleanse her with the washing of
water by the Word. This verse is speaking of Christ sanctifying and
cleansing His Church, but the husbands relationship to his wife is to
reflect that. Having thought much about this verse I have concluded
that God expects the husband to bear much of the responsibility
regarding the spiritual growth and purity of his wife. It seems as if
the responsibility for the family altar rests squarely on the husband
and dad. The daily collective reading of the Bible surely would give
opportunity for the Word to wash the wife and children. I think it
is very important that the husband be extra careful about the jokes
and stories he brings home from the factory or oce. Some of those
jokes, although funny, would not cleanse and build up his wife but
instead would corrupt and dirty her mind. Verse 27 of Ephesians 5
goes on to speak of how our Lord will present His bride to Himself
without any blemish or spot. This, I believe, should encourage us as
husbands not to be responsible for polluting or corrupting the minds
of our wives.
Verse 28 says that Husbands ought to love their own wives as
their own bodies. The beginning of verse 33 says that each one of
you in particular should love his own wife
as himself. What can be the point here? I use the illustration of
a fellow getting a sliver underneath his fingernail. Because it hurts
so bad he will cradle that finger in his other hand. He will protect it
and do everything he can to gently get rid of the sliver. I believe that
God expects husbands to love their wives in such a way that they
are aware of every little hurt their wives are experiencing, whether
physical or emotional, and are doing all they can to gently remove
that pain.
The final Scripture that we consider under the heading Gods

View of Marriage is 1 Peter 3:1-7. The first six verses speak to wives
that God desires a wife who is pure and modest. Though she is beautiful outside, the true and lasting beauty is that from within. Verse
7 tells husbands that they must know their wives well and honor
them. God says that improper treatment of ones wife will result in
ones prayers not being heard. We would do well to remember this
warning.
As before, with the completion of assignment #2 the couple are
given the next assignment, #3, which they will complete and bring
to Session 5.
SESSION FIVE
ASSIGNMENT #3
1. How were feelings of love, warmth, and tenderness shown in your
home by your parents for each other and toward you?
How would you like feelings of love, warmth, and tenderness to be

shown towards you in your marriage?
SESSION FIVE - ASSIGNMENT
2. How would you classify your parents attitude toward your coming
marriage?
Attitude
Father
Mother
Enthusiastic
Favorable
Mild Approval
Consent with reser vations
Object to the marriage

Violently opposed
3. Who was the dominant leader in your parents home? How did
that work out?
What eect does that have on your thoughts of marriage and

family?
4. What positive attitudes, behavior, and methods would you like to

emulate in your marriage? What negative behavior, attitudes, and
methods will you seek to avoid?

Question 1 of assignment #3 is necessary because families dier
greatly as to how demonstrative they are. It seems that ones national background aects whether one feels free to hug and kiss,
even among family members or even with the family unit. My fathers forebears were Scottish. Scotts seem to be among those who
do not show alot of aection. Where a bride and groom come from
dierent national backgrounds their perception of acceptance may
be based on how they as individuals were brought up.
I think of one couple where the bride was brought up in a
family that was very free with their demonstrations of aection.
She married a young man from a Scottish background where it was
rare for anyone in the family to physically touch anyone else. For
some time the bride thought that her husbands family disliked her
because she wasnt receiving hugs and kisses as she would from her
own relatives. It took quite a time for her to realize that they loved
her and that their lack of demonstration of aection was merely a
cultural thing.
It is a good idea to discuss this point together so that each knows
how the other perceives this matter. The second part of question 1
asks, How would you like feelings of love, warmth, and ten-derness
to be shown towards you in your marriage? This question gives
each person the chance to verbalize what they would like in their
wedding relationship. I remember one young lady remarking that
she could not remember her father ever saying to her, I love you.
She wanted to hear that frequently from her husband.
While working with this question, we generally stress the need
for the couple to plan to continue courting after the marriage. By that
we mean that the groom should continue to help his wife put on her
coat, open the car door for her, and should treat her with as much affection and courtesy as when they were courting. His wife should be
sure to thank him for the evidences of his care and to do the things for
him which tell him that he is number one with her. Too often, once
the wedding is over couples begin to take each other for granted and
the little niceties disappear. We stress the need to remember to say
please, thank you, excuse me, and other basic evidences of good
manners. The constant use of these terms communicates the thought,
I respect and admire you and want to treat you right.
Another activity which should also be continued is the practice of
kissing each other goodbye when parting. This will not only be good
for your marriage but will be an excellent model for the children. I
remember a time as a youngster when my father wasnt kissing my
mother goodbye. We kids did not have to be told that something
had come between our parents. If we are determined to keep up the
practice of kissing, it will help us resolve those problems that interfere
with our aection for each other.
The most underused and yet the most necessary phrase in marriage is I love you. God, knowing that husbands would have trouble
in this area, directly confronted them with the command, Husbands,
love your wives. We husbands need not only to love them but to tell
them soand often.
Question 2 of assignment #3 is a chart to help reveal whether
there is any disapproval of the marriage by any of the parents. Some
young people getting married have the idea that they are marrying
only their spouse and can therefore ignore their spouses family once
the wedding is over. This is a wrong idea because you not only marry
that person but become intimately connected to his or her family. If
there are any reservations among any of the parents, they should be
worked with so that, if possible, the wedding can go forward with the
blessings of all the parents.
Question 3 has to do with who was the dominant leader in the
homes of the bride and groom. It is good that this is discussed to
see whether the bride and the groom have dierent expectations.
It may be that in one of the families the mother was the dominant
figure. How that worked out needs to be discussed so that the bride
and groom can agree on what they expect in their own marriage.
Ephesians 5 is a biblical guide as to Gods plan for Christian families.
It is wise at this point in their relationship that the bride and groom
agree on the principle of leadership in their home.
Question 4 has to do with those examples and influences that
have formed our expectations for our own marriages. It may be that
there are things in the examples our parents gave us that we want to
emulate in our marriages. That is good. It may be that there are things
or behavioral characteristics that were modelled for us that we want
no part of. There is nothing wrong with such thoughts and desires.
We must soberly plan which methods and which character traits will
be good for our marriage and our family. As the bride and groom
discuss these each will gain insights into the hopes and aspirations
of the other.
As part of our input into this assignment we have found it beneficial to suggest to the couple that they do not discuss with others
the details of diculties which may arise in their marriage. Often the
new wife, if she is having problems in her marriage, will be tempted
to pour out her heart to another young wife who she hopes will be
sympathetic. Such sharing does nothing to correct the problem and
may make it worse through gossip.
We had spoken to a dear friend about this issue as part of a conversation not connected to pre-marital counseling. Not long after, a
tense situation developed between our friend and her husband. As
she fretted over the whole scenario she felt strongly the need to call
another young lady and pour it all out. She vacillated most of the
morning about whether to phone or not and in the end did not make
that phone call. At noon her husband phoned and over the phone
they were able to solve the diculties. One of his comments at that
time was, Im sure glad you didnt tell anyone else about our misunderstanding.
In situations like this we strongly recommend that if outside help
is needed, the couple contact a mature Christian couple in whom they
have confidence and share with that couple, asking for counsel and
advice.
SESSION SIX
ASSIGNMENT #4
1. What are you as an individual bringing to this marriage that will
help make it work and strengthen it?
2. What are the areas of your life that you feel you need help and
understanding with, especially as they apply to marriage?
3. What is your intended spouse bringing to this marriage which will

help it succeed and be strong? 4 (a) How many children do you
honestly hope to have? Why that number?
(b) What spiritual principles do you feel are essential to the growth
and education of your children?
SESSION SIX - ASSIGNMENT
(c) What do you feel is the best way to bring up children? Should they
be disciplined? How? What methods do you think would be best
in helping your child learn obedience?

Assignment #4 begins to be very practical, as will the assignments
that follow. Question 1 asks that each person list things that he or she
is bringing into the marriage that will benefit it. We suggest that the
couple think of traits, characteristics, and abilities that they have, but
not ignore things that they just like to do or are good at. This exercise
is good, for it helps a person examine himself and discover strengths
that he probably has not verbalized before.
Question 2 gives each person the opportunity to express, to his or
her spouse and sympathetic counselors, areas where he or she does not
have a lot of confidence. Probably each will find out that his intended
has some of the same fears. He or she may also find out that most
people who plan to leave their family and their life as a single person
suer the similar feelings of inadequacy. Where there are other areas
of specific need, these can be discussed in a positive and helpful way.
Question 3 asks, What is your intended spouse bringing to this
marriage that will help it succeed and be strong? The answers to
this can be quite enlightening. It has been a joy with some couples
to hear one of the couple say positive things about the other which
that person did not see in himself or herself. A beautiful smile usually
lights up the face as that person sits up a little straighter and seems
to grow several inches. What could be more encouraging to a person
than to hear that ones loved one had seen in him or her traits which
were unrecognized and special. Wouldnt you do your best to live up
to such expectations?
Question 4 seems to be a simple and unimportant one, but as you
will see it is of great importance. The couple probably has discussed
this question long before they considered pre-marital counseling.
Each will usually tell you how many children he or she thinks would
be the best number and also will give good reasons for choosing that
figure. We discuss with them how each feels about the number chosen
by the other and then ask, What if the Lord gives you one or two
more than you planned? This leads to discussion that can be helpful.
Next I ask, What if you find you cant have any? At this point a
large silence usually descends because the probability is that the couple
has not considered this possibility. My wife and I feel very keenly
about this problem because we experienced it in our marriage. As the
couple think soberly about this possibility the discussion becomes very
serious. It is not easy for a young healthy couple to think that possibly
they could fail in such an important area. As we discuss the options
we point out that whatever the cause there is a lot of help available
these days. There are doctors who specialize in helping couples who
are having diculty conceiving.
There are many causes why a wife may have diculty getting pregnant. It may be that she does not ovulate each month. It may be that
the husband has a low sperm count. It does not matter which one of
the couple is having diculty; it is very important that it not be seen
as her problem or his problem but as our problem. If the couple will
work together toward a solution and be very supportive of each other,
this will help immeasurably as a solution is sought.
My next question, to the couple, is What if the Lord gives you all
girls? Or all boys? This is not as disturbing a question as the last,
but it is good to discuss it nonetheless. My final question regarding
4a is, What if the child the Lord gives you has Downs syndrome; or
is an epileptic? This is another question which is not easy to answer
but is good to consider because the possibility exists. If the couple has
considered the situation prior to marriage and has verbalized how they
feel they would respond, it could help immeasurably should they actually have to face such a possibility.
Question 4b asks, What spiritual principles do you feel are essential to the growth and education of your children? Amos 3:3 says,
Can two walk together unless they are agreed? The answer of course
is no. If a couple cannot agree prior to marriage on matters as important as this, they had better postpone the wedding until they resolve
the issue. Sometimes couples from dierent religious backgrounds sail
through pre-marital counseling until they get to this question, and
then grind to a halt. The counselor can help the couple see the various
issues to be considered, but it is the couple who must resolve the difficulties.
SESSION SIX - ASSIGNMENT
As 4b is discussed we often get onto the topic of having a family

altarthat is, having a time, possibly after a meal, which the family
sets aside to discuss spiritual things and to pray together. We point
out that if the couple plans to do this they need to start before the
children arrive so that it is an established practice in the family. It is
necessary also to have a program that is at the level that the children
can understand and profit by. We have heard of families with little
children who have them listen quietly while they read from a scholarly translation of the Bible, including chapters which are dicult for
adults to understand. How much better if the family altar time began
for the children with a passage from a sound childrens Bible story
book. As the children become familiar with the grand old stories of
the Bible and their applications, they can gradually be led through
other positive and practical methods of learning the Scriptures.
Before long, as they are taught simplistic bible principles, they should
be thirsting for the solid meat of the Word.
We personally, as our children were growing up, found it helpful
to pray with them prior to their setting o for school each day. We
would ask for safety for them and that they would be discerning to
catch those things that were contrary to Gods Word and reject them.
We also prayed that they would behave in a way that was pleasing to
God. God honored those prayers.
As well as discussing the family altar in this session it is very easy
to talk about baptism and remembering the Lord in the breaking of
bread. Because of the non-threatening tone of the sessions, we have
found the couples feel free to share just where they are spiritually. We
have found that some who were not previously, have later been baptized and some have requested to remember the Lord.
In addition to the regular questions of assignment #4 we often
add material we call Gods word to parents. It is a look at some
Scriptures which are directed specifically to parents, i.e., fathers and
mothers. We also examine some of the Scriptures which are addressed to either fathers or mothers. Since that material may be a
help, we include it here.
Gods word to parents
For both parents: Proverbs 22:6 reads, Train up a child in the
way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it. The
word train is used three times in Scripture. It has the thought of to
dedicate. It is used by Solomon in connection with the dedication

of the temple. It means to set aside for spiritual purposes. Many of
us were dedicated to the Lord as infants, and have indeed gone on to
serve Him in a wide variety of ways.
Proverbs 1:8 (NKJV) says, My son, hear the instruction of your
father, and do not forsake the law of your mother. This word from
Solomon infers that the father has made it one of his responsibilities
to instruct his children. He goes on to infer that the mother also has
been providing directives which will benefit the child.
Proverbs 13:24 (NKJV) says, He who spares his rod hates his
son, but he who loves him disciplines him promptly. Though the
masculine noun is used here, I believe it must also refer to mothers
and daughters. I do not believe that Solomon would intend that only
fathers should discipline your children, for we know that discipline
which is administered promptly is more eective than delayed correction. Nor do I suppose that the writer of Proverbs would imagine that
girls needed no correction. So Gods Word here is that it is necessary
to discipline, and indeed it is evidence of love.
Specific directions are given in Deuteronomy 6:4-5 for the Israelites
to teach their children about God. They are instructed to teach these
things diligently to their children. The word teach suggests to me
specific times for imparting this information to the children. Verse 7
goes on to instruct the parents to talk about those things when they
are sitting in their houses, when they are walking together, when they
are lying down, or getting up. This suggests that we are to teach the
children informally all during the day as well as in a formal setting.
The necessity to speak to our children of the praiseworthy deeds of
the Lord is the topic of Psalm 78:1-8. Psalm 78 says that our parents
told us, we are to tell the next generation, and they in turn the following generation. Verse 7 explains that it is important to keep on
teaching these principles so that each generation will be faithful to
the Lord. Isaiah 28:13 speaks of the Word being taught precept upon
precept, line upon line, here a little, there a little. What a vital yet
solemn responsibility parents have. May God help us to serve Him
well in this area.
Gods word to dads
Ephesians 6:4 speaks specifically to fathers when it says, Bring
them [your children] up in the training and admonition of the Lord.
SESSION SIX - GODS WORD TO DADS
It seems evident that God gives the responsibility for the spiritual development of the family to the dads. This is not to say that the moms
do not have responsibility in this area, as we shall see in the next
section, but the prime responsibility is dads.
In 1 Timothy 3:4 (NIV) the qualifications for elders or overseers
are given. There it says that he must manage his own family well and
see that his children obey him with proper respect. I do not think I
am stretching a point to say that if that is the qualification of an elder
it also should be the hallmark of a godly father.
According to Proverbs 4, part of the job of a dad is to give his son
wise counsel. This suggests spending quality time with him so that he
gets to respect his parent and receive his counsel.
Before leaving Gods Word to Dads I would like to remind us
of the great love that God the Father had for His one-and-only Son.
A number of times God couldnt help breaking through to earths
surface to declare with joy, This is my beloved Son in whom I am well
pleased (or, find all my delight). As God is our perfect example,
shouldnt we as dads be eager to declare our satisfaction and pleasure
in our children? How many children there are these days who rarely
hear a word of praise. How many are there who have never heard the
words I love you from their dads?
Gods word to moms
2 Timothy gives us a beautiful example of a mother who is commended for her spiritual input into the life of her son. Eunice has a
special place in Scripture along with her mother Lois for their part in
teaching young Timothy Gods Word. See 2 Timothy 1:15 and 3:14.
It seems that they began teaching him the Scriptures when he was an
infant. Mothers have a unique place and opportunity to build Gods
Word into the lives of their children. This is especially needful in this
present time of new age and other destructive teachings. May God
help mothers to be wise and eective in instructing their children.
Question 4c, the final question of assignment #4, deals with how
one controls their children. It asks the couple to explain what principles they will use in training their children. Some would consider
usning a spanking stick while their spouse may possibly plan to just
reason with the child. We have seen some families where, when a
child is doing something wrong, the mother gives the child a hug and
tells him or her that he or she is not to do that. The child just smiles
and keeps on doing whatever it was doing before. Though we agree

there is merit in both methods, we feel it is important that the couple
discuss before marriage, how they plan to control their ospring.
There is a great deal of good written material available on bringing
up children. We highly recommend Dr. James Dobsons book Dare
to Discipline!
SESSION SEVEN
ASSIGNMENT #5
1. Make a list of responsibilities that you feel will be yours in your
marriage (e.g., taking out the garbage).
2. Make a list of the responsibilities that you feel will be your spouses
(e.g., taking out the garbage).
SESSION SEVEN - ASSIGNMENT
Yes
No
Who am I?
I am essentially a morning person, awakening full of life and vigor,
desirous of getting on with the events of the day.
I am essentially a neat and orderly person. I usually make it a practice
to keep my living and working areas neat and tidy.
I have a fondness for spicy foods. Id like to enjoy a good share of spicy
foods in my married life.
Being in debt doesnt bother me much
In marriage the husband should continue to be provided the same kinds
of meals his mother cooked.
When Im sick I need my spouse to express his/her care for my well
being and try to take care of my needs.
It is important that my future spouse and I have had approximately the
same amount of education.
I would describe myself as a follower rather than a leader.
I feel Im the kind of person who needs lots of praise from those close
to me.
I have been told that I snore when I sleep.
I am a perfectionist in almost all areas of my life.
I like animals and hope to have some in our home.
I feel I am a worrier though I know it doesnt do any good.
Our roles in marriage

Answer Key: 1. Strongly agree 2. Mildly agree 3. Not sure 4. Mildly
disagree 5. Strongly disagree
1.2.3.4.5
1.
1.2.3.4.5
2.
1.2.3.4.5
3.
The wife should not be employed outside the home.
1.2.3.4.5
4.
The husband is the head of the home.
1.2.3.4.5
5.
The husband should take his wife out once a month.
1.2.3.4.5
6.
The wife should always obey what her husband asks her to do.
1.2.3.4.5
7.
If there is disagreement the husband should decide where we will live.
1.2.3.4.5
8.
The husband and wife should plan the budget together.
1.2.3.4.5
9.
Money the wife earns is her money.
1.2.3.4.5
10. The wife must stay home with the children so the husband can go to meeting
1.2.3.4.5
11. Birth control is the wifes responsibility until we decide to have children.
1.2.3.4.5
12. The husband should help with the dishes often.
1.2.3.4.5
13. It is all right for the husband to hit his wife if she needs correction.
1.2.3.4.5
14. It is all right for the wife to withhold sexual privileges from her husband to
1.2.3.4.5
15. It is the wifes responsibility to have the house clean and tidy.
The husband is the one mainly responsible for the discipline of the children.
If I have problems the best thing to do is keep them to myself and not bother
my spouse.
undisturbed..
discipline him.
SESSION SEVEN - OUR ROLES IN MARRIAGE
1.2.3.4.5
16. It is the husbands responsibility to decide on the frequency and type of
1.2.3.4.5
17. It is all right for the wife to initiate love-making with her husband.
1.2.3.4.5
18. If a wife has special abilities she should have a career.
1.2.3.4.5
19. The husband and wife should decide together how many children to have,
1.2.3.4.5
20. Neither of us should bring our parents into our home to live.
1.2.3.4.5
21. Any expense over $100.00 should require a discussion between us both as to
1.2.3.4.5
22. Either of us should feel responsible to make up after a disagreement.
1.2.3.4.5
23. It is important that the husband spend a good amount of time with the
1.2.3.4.5
24. The husband should have at least one night a week out with his friends.
1.2.3.4.5
25. The husband will make the final decisions about where the children may or
1.2.3.4.5
26. The wife should have at least one night a week out with her girl friends.
1.2.3.4.5
27. If the husband needs a bag lunch his wife should make it.
sexual relations.
what the spacing should be, etc.
its validity.
children.
may not go.
NOTE: Parts of this questionnaire by Prof James R. Hine - Used

by Permission - Dec. 9, 1990

Assignment #5, as you will see, has to do with very practical matters. The couple will have completed the assignment for
homework. When they arrive I ask to see this assignment; while
I am reading their answers I have them fill out the Our Roles in
Marriage sheet which we will also discuss in this session. As I read
assignment #5 I notice any place where the answers of the bride and
groom dier, especially in question 3. Our purpose is to discuss,
in depth, those questions which could cause problems later in the
marriage.
As questions 1 and 2 are discussed we look for any responsibility listed and try and find out if that persons spouse is happy with
the task his or her partner feels he or she should handle. If there
is something that seems unacceptable, we immediately zero in on
that choice and discuss it. We may ask questions such as Is that
OK with you? Are you in agreement with that? What do you
think of that? It is important that the couple have as few surprises
as possible after the wedding, so the time spent working on these
questions is well spent.
Question 3 is designed to investigate various areas which the
couple have not worked with or spoken of together. For example, if
they find that one is a morning person and the other is an evening
per
son, they need to discuss how they are going to handle that in
marriage. Perhaps one is very orderly as to their person and their
surroundings and the other tends to be messy; how will the orderly
person cope after marriage? The statement that has to do with what
one expects when he or she is sick should be explained. When I was
little and was sick to the point of vomiting my mother would put
her hand on my forehead and empathize as I threw up. This said
to me, I am here, I love you, and I am doing all I can to help you
in this distressful situation. My wife, on the other hand, was not
used to people being so close when she was sick. When we were
first married and I was sick to my stomach, I couldnt understand
why my dear wife had deserted me in my hour of great need. It was
simply a reflection of both of our backgrounds. It might have helped
if we had discussed this matter prior to marriage.
The next statement speaks about the matter of the couples education. We are aware of a situation where a number of years after a marSESSION SEVEN - OUR ROLES IN MARRIAGE
riage, the husband claimed that his wifes lack of the same amount
of education as he had was a detriment to the marriage. There is
some question whether he really felt this or whether it was simply an
excuse to dissolve the marriage. In any case it would have helped had
this matter been discussed and resolved before marriage.
Regarding the matter of snoring: if the couple hadnt discussed
this matter prior to marriage, it would be a big surprise if either of
them had a snoring problem. It is better to discuss it and decide how
it should be handled.
The matter of whether the couple plans to have pets should also
be discussed. Some people have grown up in homes and families that
had no pets. To think of having an animal in the house may be difficult for some to deal with, while others think it is part of everyday
living.
Any statement in assignment #5 that seems at all to be one which
might cause conflict should not be missed. In working with Our Roles
in Marriage we do not spend time where there is obvious agreement.
By holding the sheets up side by side it will quickly be evident which
points should be discussed. If the bride had circled #2 and the groom
#1 we do not discuss that statement since there is no extreme dierence between the couples thinking. If however, the bride had circled
#2 and the groom #5, we do work with that statement.
Our purpose is not to have the couple agree with what we might
feel is best for each statement, but to have them come to some agreement between them or arrive at a way that can work in their marriage.
The counselors may think of other potential problems which should
be added to this list.
At the conclusion of session 7 assignment #6 is given to the couple
along with the assignment which deals with a budget. They are expected to complete both by next time we meet together. It is probable
that they will not know exactly what their income and expenses will
be, but it will be helpful for them to do the exercise anyway.
SESSION EIGHT
ASSIGNMENT #6
1. How much time do you feel you would like to spend with your
parents and in-laws in the first year of your marriage?
Where will you spend Christmas, New Years, Easter, Mothers Day,
etc.?
2. After your marriage what are the ways in which you are going to
try to change your mate?
3. Together develop, in as much detail as possible, a budget that

you feel will work in your marriage. See What is a Budget?
Guidelines to Evaluate Your Major Expenses and Monthly
Budget Form.
SESSION EIGHT - ASSIGNMENT
4. Make a list of topics you would like discussed which so far have
not been touched on at all, or not thoroughly enough.
5. List four areas of marriage that you see as potential trouble spots
in the lifelong commitment that you are preparing for.
What is a Budget?
1. A plan for spending money.
2. A means to learn to live within your income.
3. Trusting God and making plans (a budget) are not mutually exclusive principles.
Why a Budget?
1. Budgeting makes your money go further.
2. Budgeting provides an opportunity to work and pray through
spending decisions as a family.
3. Because the Bible instructs us so: Proverbs 24:3-4.
How to Budget
1. Determine where you are today.
2. Decide where you want to be.
3. Do not stop! Continue to keep a budget.
Guideline to Evaluate Your Major Expenses

1.
Sharing:
10 - 15%
2.
Taxes:
15 - 27%
3.
Housing:
20 - 35%
4.
Food:
15 - 25%
5.
Clothing:
4 - 8%
6.
Transportation: 10 - 15%
7.
Savings:
5 - 10%
8.
Insurance:
3 - 5%
9.
Miscellaneous
3 - 5%
10. Debt Reduction 0 - 10%

TOTAL
INCOME:
100%
Salary:
Interest:
Dividends:
Rental:
Other:
Total:
EXPENSES:
1.SHARING:
Giving To God:
Giving To Others:
Missionaries:
SESSION EIGHT - GUIDELINE TO EVALUATE YOUR MAJOR EXPENSES
2.TAXES:
Federal/Prov Tax:
State Tax:
Real Estate Tax:
Other Payroll:
3. HOUSING:
Mortgage/Rent:
Utilities:
Telephone/Internet:
Maintenance:
Gardening:
4. FOOD:
Family (at home):

Visitors, Entertainment:
Eating Out:
5. CLOTHING:
Mom:
Dad:
Girl(s):
Boy(s):
6. TRANSPORT:
Commuting:
Auto /Lease Payments:
Gasoline:
Services, repairs:
Other Licenses etc:
7. SAVINGS:
Savings account:
Shares, bonds:
Childrens Education:
Retirement:
8. INSURANCE:
Homeowners:
Automobile:
Medical / Health:
Life:
Other:
9. MISCELLANEOUS:
Education:
Vacation:
Recreation:
Personal Allowance:
Other:
10. DEBT REDUCTION:
Credit card(s):
Personal Loan:
TOTAL EXPENSES:
How to Train Your Child in Money Matters

UNDER 6:
Allowance:
Budget:
Saving:
Work:
AGES 6-9
Allowance:
Budget:
Sharing
Saving:
Work:
Use to pay for small items such as toys, books, and playthings.
Use the three box system (share, save, spend).
Open a savings account in the childs name and make a monthly
deposit.
Do routine household chores and be exposed to the parents
jobs.
Use to pay for school lunches, school supplies, some recreation

and hobbies, and gifts to others.
Continue to use the three box method supplemented with a
simple written budget.
Expand the childs vision in sharing to a situation that the child
can personally know about.
Give the child an incentive to save for a bike or some other item
that will require persistent saving.
Begin to pay the child for some extra jobs around the home.
SESSION EIGHT - HOW TO TRAIN YOUR CHILD IN MONEY MATTERS
AGES 9-16
Allowance:
Budget:
Sharing
Saving:
Work:
AGES 16-18
Allowance:
Budget:
Sharing
Saving:
Work:
Use to pay for all the above plus sports equipment, special events,
and some clothing.
Use a more sophisticated written budget in conjunction with the
boxes.
Encourage the child to share with a foreign mission that he can
learn about through personal contact.
Encourage the child to begin to save for future transportation,
or educational needs
The child can begin to work for other people by babysitting,
cutting lawns, etc.
Use to pay for all clothing, grooming, school activities, transportation needs, and recreation.
Use a written budget with a checking account.
Encourage the child to take on a local project in which he can
become involved.
Save for his educational needs and for the future nest egg.
Expose the child to various types of investments and loans.
Begin full-time summer employment and part-time or weekend
employment during the school year.

Question 1. Some problems in marriage are caused by in-law
jealousies regarding time spent with each side of the family. Some
method needs to be discovered so that each side of the family will feel
that they are not being neglected. This question provides a platform
for the couple to attempt to resolve the holiday problem. If both sets
of in-laws live in the same area as the couple the problem will not be
as critical since all will probably see each other often. If, however, one
set or both sets of in-laws live elsewhere it becomes more of a problem
for the couple and their children to resolve. Some solution needs to
be found such as: We will spend Christmas this year at her parents
and New Years at his; then next year we will reverse this pattern.
Each culture seems to give more or less importance to certain holidays. If the bride and groom can arrive at an equitable solution to this
problem they will have done well.
Question 2. Sometimes a bride or groom believes that after marriage they will be able to change their mate. It may be that a habit is
already irritating to live with; It may be that one is addicted to some
substance and the other feels he or she can eect a change. It is good
to find out, at this point, if one is planning after marriage to make over
his or her mate. In answering this question, some as yet undiscussed
topic may surface. This can be worked with, but it must be explained
very strongly to the couple that one cannot change ones mate. Only
God can change ones mate as that mate has a desire before God to
be changed. Any eorts, such as nagging or manipulating, to change
another person will not improve the person but will add further stress
to the marriage. Prayer really helps! And where there is a willingness
of the person, who desires the change in his/her spouses character or
practice, to let the Lord change him/herself instead, this will also be
of great assistance. If the couple realize that changing ones mate is an
impossible task, this realization may cause them to consider whether
they are wise, at this time, to proceed with the wedding.
Question 3. The budget material included here was provided by
Hans Graf of Switzerland and is used by permission. It has been found
that one of the chief problems in marriage has to do with handling
money. Many have never in their single life used a budget. Many have
found to their chagrin that things were not working out as well as
expected moneywise. A budget, for most of us, is the one tool which
will help us through this dilemma. Finances are not my personal
SESSION EIGHT - HOW TO TRAIN YOUR CHILD IN MONEY MATTERS
strong point, so I do not counsel couples in great detail in this matter.

I do however insist that the couple develop a budget so that they can
see whether they would be living in the red or in the black. I also tell
the couple that if they feel that they need help with their finances, I
will be able to recommend several Christian men who are experts in
money management and willing to discuss solutions with them.
Question 4. If the couple have listed any topics which they think
have not been covered adequately or topics not yet discussed, we
promise to add that material to next weeks session. This will give us
time to think quietly about the subject and do research if necessary.
Question 5. List four areas that you see as potential trouble spots
in the marriage for which you are preparing. Not only do we expect
both the bride and groom to answer this question, but both my wife
and I attempt to answer it also. Sometimes as we look at our answers
we discover that three or four of us have listed the same possible
trouble spot. When this happens it makes it very easy to address the
problem, since it is evident to so many. Often the trouble spot has
become evident as we have gone through the previous sessions; this
gives us another opportunity to address it.
Following assignment #6 there are no more assignments which
need to be done. Session 9 deals with miscellaneous matters including
the honeymoon and the physical side of marriage. Though this book
suggests nine sessions, it may take more than that number depending
on the needs of the couple and the time required for each session. We
have found that no matter how much time is involved, it has been well
spent. Many letters of appreciation attest to that fact.
SESSION NINE
Session 9 does not include an assignment as do most of the other
sessions. The couple, however, were to have prepared a budget and
were to have listed any topics they felt had not been included so far, or
topics not discussed thoroughly enough.
First they are questioned as to how the budget worked out. We
discuss any questions they may have regarding the budget_ I personally do not feel free at this point to involve myself in the figures
of their personal budget. Some counselors who have expertise in finances do get deeply involved, with excellent results.
It is important, as one, is considering budgeting to spend some
time in speaking about giving to the Lords work. Some folks operate
on the principle that once we have taken care of all the other expenses
well consider giving to God. We have found in our marriage that it
is best to give the Lord His portion first. He always takes care of our
needs. Tithing is a biblical principle which predates the law. Many
people feel that they are not really giving until the tithe is given and
they go beyond that. I personally believe that if we honestly desire to
know from the Lord what percentage He should get, we should earnestly inquire of Him and He will make the answer known.
Regarding the budget the couple has developed, we ask whether
the project was at all helpful and then encourage them to determine
to develop and keep an accurate budget once they are married. We
also discuss the need to have a will or wills drawn up. We remind the
couple that if they already have a will, once they are married they will
probably want to change the beneficiary and possibly the will itself.
The same will probably apply to any life insurance they may have.
We also mention that once they consider buying a home they may be
interested in mortgage insurance.
In assignment #6 we asked the couple to list any areas that had
not been discussed or areas that needed more discussion. At this point
we address these issues unless they require research, in which case
we promise to do this and schedule another session for the needed
discussion. We want to touch on any problems or potential problems
that the couple suggest.
One of the big problem areas in marriage is communication or the
lack of it. This is one area that Mollie and I still struggle with after
more than forty years of marriage. We often assume that our partner
SESSION NINE - HOW TO TRAIN YOUR CHILD IN MONEY MATTERS
knows what we are thinking. We expect them to fall right in with our
plans when they dont even know what they are. Later we find that
they could not read our minds, and conflict has resulted. I remember
inviting Mollie to go downtown with me to a shoe store having a sale.
I envisioned a quick trip. She however, though agreeing to come, did
not tell me she wanted to make several stops along the way. You can
understand that our lack of total communication created some grumbling on my part.
Dr. Ed Wheat, a Christian medical doctor and family counselor
has written a number of books and made a number of tapes that are
excellent helps prior to marriage. In his tapes called Love Life he
has a section listing twelve points to good communication. I list
them here as they are very helpful in this vital area.
1. Give each other your full attention as you talk. Try to understand
fully what your partner is saying.
2. Dont interrupt or jump to conclusions as the other speaks.
3. Acknowledge that you understand even if you dont agree.
4. When you share your feelings dont sound like you are heaping
blame on your partner, and dont justify yourself.
5. Dont repeat to anyone else what your partner shares with you in
private.
6. Silence is negative feedback. This is mostly a husbands problem.
7. Husbands can learn to love wives by listening intently.
8. Spend time alone. Turn the TV o. Share inmost thoughts and
communicate long-range goals.
9. Share feelings with each other, but not in a way that your partner
feels rebuked and criticized.
10. Be willing to show your vulnerable side to your spouse.
11. Speak the truth in love. Be honest with kindness.
12.Apply the BEST principle as you talk. B Blessing your
spouse.
E Edify (build up) each other.
S Share.
T Touch as you talk together.
Used by permission of Dr. Ed Wheat January 16, 1991.
One matter which we try not to neglect speaking about is the
silent treatment. Almost every married couple, at some point in
time, go through the silent treatment syndrome. Someone gets of
fended and decides not to speak to the other until he or she shapes up.
The other person usually responds by reasoning, Well, if thats how
he or she is going to be, Im not speaking either. This brings on the
impasse where no solution is forthcoming; only foreboding silence.
Often one of the couple, feeling terrible inside, tries to convince the
other that he or she is not at all aected by the impasse, and so sings
and whistles in their misery. This situation does nothing in a marriage
but destroy the oneness that God brought about when the couple
were married. Each needs to realize what is happening and determine
not to let such childish behavior eat like a cancer at their marriage.
Each should resolve, before marriage, not to get caught in the trap of
the silent treatment.
Since the put-down is such a negative thing and is so harmful to
a marriage, I feel it is worthwhile, even though we have discussed it
in an earlier session, to speak of it again in this final session. Readers
can review the material on the put-down in Session 3, Assignment
#1, question 3.
In this final session we also speak of the negative use of terms like
always and never. Many of us, in arguments, with our spouse use
these words when the use of them is not entirely true. A wife might
say to her husband, You never put your socks in the dirty clothes
hamper. She wants to get across to her husband that it would help a
lot if he would put his soiled clothing in the hamper. His response to
being been told that, he never puts his socks there is to react to the
word never rather than face up to the current problem. His reply will
be something like, You cant say I never put my socks in the hamper;
why I remember just last year I put my socks in the hamper. As you
can see, with this conversation the problem is not getting resolved.
In another situation a husband may say to his wife, You are always
late. She of course will not consider her habit of being late, but will
react to that word always with a similar breakdown of communication. We have found that it is much more accurate and helps to solve
problems if we say instead, seldom or often, as in, You seldom put
your clothes in the hamper, and, You are often late.
Ephesians 4:26 says, Do not let the sun go down on your wrath.
I ask the couple what this means in connection with married couples.
Often we get the answer, It means that you should get disagreements and arguments settled before you go to sleep. I agree with this
interpretation but suggest to the couple that in winter the sun goes
down in the area where we live at 5 P.M. Could it mean that God
SESSION NINE - HOW TO TRAIN YOUR CHILD IN MONEY MATTERS
desires that our disagreements should be settled as soon as possible? I

believe it is also good to point out that if dierences are not resolved
by bedtime, they can even get worse by the next morning.
Back in Session 5 we discussed the importance of continuing to
be as attentive to each other after marriage as we were before. We
remind the couple again in the present session that good manners,
politeness, and consideration can be a big help in strengthening and
building up a marriage.
We also speak of the importance of dressing attractively. Husbands
who show up at the table unshaven and in cast-o clothing and undershirts do not enhance a marriage. Neither do wives whose favorite
attire is hair curlers, sloppy robe, and worn out slippers.
At this time I also speak to the couple of the need for cleanliness. We assume in America that everyone knows about and uses
deodorants and is in the habit of bathing almost daily. But since we
gain immigrants from many countries and cultures, we sometimes
need to share some basic information. During the war I was in the
Royal Canadian Air Force. Almost everything we owned was military issue. In those days you were issued about three changes of underwear, three shirts, and three pairs of socks. After the war I was
delighted when Mollie suggested it might be a good idea if I had a
change of shirt, underwear, and socks each day. It could well be that
some folks in certain strata of our society would be delighted to hear
this good news too. It may be, as pre-marriage counseling is done,
that the counselor needs to have a frank discussion with the groom,
and his wife have a frank discussion with the bride about some of
these personal matters.
Another topic that we bring before the couple is the need to continue growing spiritually both as individuals and together. It is important that each keeps up their own devotions or quiet time. It is also
important that they begin a combined time of reading and praying
together. At first the couple will probably find it dicult to program
these activities into their day. It is, however, of such importance that
they should determine to make this a priority.
One of the blessings of being married as Christians is having a
kindred spirit together. When the Holy Spirit leads you to discover
something new from the Word you can immediately share it with
your partner so that he or she can also be blessed. Another matter
that a newly married couple needs to keep before them relates to areas
of service. God may open up dierent areas to husband and wife.
The wife, for example, may be led into working with children on a
certain night in the week. If this is an obvious leading of the Lord the
husband must be supportive of her and do his utmost to free her to
serve the Lord. This may mean that on that night he does the dishes
and puts the kids to bed. Let the husband encourage the wife and pray
for blessing in her sphere of serving her Lord and Master. A husband
must not fall into the trap of feeling, Shes my wifeshe should be
serving me on Wednesday nights. As she serves and he helps with
the care of his children both are serving the Lord. Likewise in his
areas of service his wife should help and encourage him in any way
she can. We recommend a good book called Handbook for Engaged
Couples by Fryling (published by Inter Varsity Press).12 It deals
with, among other things, growing spiritually together.
The Honeymoon
In looking at the honeymoon, the couple should plan to go somewhere they both will enjoy going. A honeymoon destination chosen
by the husband, an avid skier, to a ski resort is no vacation for a wife
who is not into winter sports. Both should have input in planning this
first vacation together. A honeymoon where the couple goes o to a
cottage in a remote place where the bride has to make all the meals
in primitive conditions is also not a good idea. They should plan to go
somewhere where there are activities that they can enjoy together. We
know of one couple who went o to a remote cabin far from anyone
else. When they returned the groom said he had never had such a
boring timenothing to do. Im sure the bride would echo his words.
Plan wisely on how much money to spend on this first combined vacation. It is easy to err in being too cheap or in spending more than
one can aord. Be wise.
We inform the couple that when the wedding festivities are over
they will probably feel more exhausted than ever before in their lives.
This is the product of having been under pressure for weeks with
preparations, of having to be on their feet almost all day with a smile
plastered across their faces, of having been patient and pleasant in all
sorts of circumstances, etc.
Most couples look forward to their honeymoon night with anticipation and great expectations. Most have planned to have sexual
intercourse (hopefully for the first time) on this special night. If
however the couple is as exhausted as most couples are, the attempt at
SESSION NINE - THE HONEYMOON
sexual intercourse can be far from satisfying. We suggest it might be

advisable to get a good nights rest first and then come together. We
will say more under the heading The Sexual Side of Marriage.
Special mention needs to be made here of the practice in some
Marriage Resorts of taking photos of the newly married couple. In
these resorts (which are especially designed to cater to newly married
couples) photographers will come to their apartment or quarters and
take pictures of the couple in their heart-shaped hot tub. We have
found that sometimes these pictures will find their way into the couples photo album. Some time later the couple, forgetting that those
photos are included, will pass that album around with embarrassing
results. We include this just to prevent such embarrassment.
Sex in the Marriage Context
Marriage involves children. Psalm 127:4-5 says, Like arrows in
the hand of a warrior, so are the children of ones youth. Happy is the
man who has his quiver full of them. It is a tremendous privilege
and responsibility to bring up children for the Lord. In a day when
children are being aborted, ignored, abused, and wrongly treated,
what a testimony it is for Christians to lovingly bring up children in
the nurture and admonition of the Lord. Many people these days see
children as a bother, an interference in their pursuit of self-satisfaction and fun. A wonderful contrast can be visually demonstrated by
Christian families who joyfully love and are loved. It is not easy to
bring up children in a world that rejects Christian principles, but God
gives the grace to do so to parents who are committed to Him.
Sex is also for pleasure. God has wonderfully planned sex not just
for the procreation of more people, but for shared enjoyment. It is a
time for a husband and wife to relate intimately and share their entire
selves. God could have designed the sex act so that all it took was for
the couple to touch their big toes. Instead, in His wisdom He planned
that the couple should be in each others arms, naked body to naked
body. Hebrews 13:4 says, Marriage is honorable among all, and the
bed undefiled.
Since men and women respond to dierent stimuli and at different rates of speed, it is important that each understand and make
allowances for the other. Men are generally aroused quickly by visual
stimuli and touching, while women generally respond to verbal stimuli
and touching. Because men are easily and quickly aroused they need
to consider their wives needs first and strive to meet them. True love,
as we discovered in the early session, is having a desire to meet the
needs of the one I love. Both should be constantly asking themselves,
Is my prime concern to please my spouse? It is important to keep the
lines of communication open in the intimacy of marriage. Couples
should feel free to share what pleases them and what is unpleasant or
painful. Phrases like I like that, that feels good, or please dont do
that will help to let your spouse know how to proceed.
Since in our enlightened age any kind of kinky sex is being promoted, a word to Christians may be appreciated. If either partner
suggests a variation of the sex act which the other feels is degrading
or debasing, I believe that act should be avoided. Our desire always
should be to build each other up, not to destroy the oneness that God
intends for married couples. We would also like to mention here that
sex should never be withheld as a means of punishment. First, the
withholding of sex for this reason goes against 1 Corinthians 7:3-5
which points out that, in marriage, ones body is no longer just ones
own, but that each has authority over the others body. Secondly, to
give or withhold sexual intimacy as punishment is to remove this Godgiven activity from its purpose of tenderness and love and sharing and
oneness; and to debase it entirely.
As diculties are encountered in this intimate part of marriage,
it is important to realize that they are our problems and not his
problem or her problem. Sometimes in early marriage the wife
finds sex painful. The husband needs to understand that it is not just
her problem but our problem, and do what he can to help his wife
through this period. If sometimes in marriage the husband cannot
maintain an erection, the wife should be understanding and sympathetic. If she laughs or ridicules her husband in this, his problems will
be magnified.
Husbands should remember that Gods chief word to them is
Husbands, love your wives. We need to remember to show aection
to our wives at any time without expecting that a little aection will
always lead to bed.
Birth Control
My suggestion regarding birth control is that the couple visit
a doctor, preferably a Christian doctor, and ask about the various
methods. Some methods cause the aborting of the egg, others work in
SESSION NINE - BIRTH CONTROL
other ways. The couple should be convinced before God that whatever method they use, if indeed they use birth control, is pleasing to
God and would be acceptable to Him. They should then go with the
method they have chosen, and the husband live joyfully with the
wife whom you love (Heel. 9:9).
Source Material for The Sexual Side of Marriage
Intended for Pleasure by Dr. Ed Wheat (Fleming H. Revell
Company, Old Tappan, New Jersey). Also available by tape from
Bible Believers Cassettes, Inc. 130 Spring Street, Springdale,
Arkansas 72764
Love Life by Dr. Ed Wheat. 2 tapes (available from BBC, Inc.
above).
Before the Honeymoon by Dr. Ed Wheat. 2 tapes (available
from BBC, Inc. above).
Sexual Technique & Sex Problems in Marriage by Dr. Ed
Wheat. 2 tapes (available from BBC, Inc. above).
The Act of Marriage by Tim & Beverly LaHaye (Zondervan
Publishing House, Grand Rapids, Michigan).
Finally we suggest to the couple that we would like to get together with them one year after they are married. If there is a
need, we welcome a call at any time_ It also helps if they can
tell us anything we missed or should have taken up in greater
detail.
Plannning the Wedding:
The following information is included in the hope that it will
help couples plan the wedding so that it will be a credit to them and
honoring to our Lord and Savior.
When the couple first visits us in connection with their coming
wedding, we ask if they have decided on the wedding invitation
or the Order of Service pamphlet to be given out at the wedding.
Usually they have not done anything yet, so we lend them a collec
tion of invitations and other wedding pamphlets we have gathered

up over a number of years. Some are expensive commercial products and some are beautiful handmade ones produced by innovative
brides or couples on a tighter budget. This gives them a good selection of Christian material from which to choose or get ideas.
I then give the couple the forms we have developed which will
help them plan the wedding, and provide the information we need
to fill in the marriage license and register. See pages 77 to 79. Since
most of the couples we have married have not been married before,
they appreciate all the help available so that no important item is
missed. Once the forms are filled out it gives us a basis from which
to plan the wedding together and to discuss it in a methodical way.
Hints For Reception
Many Christian weddings have been spoiled because the bride
and groom were not careful enough to control the content of the
reception. In a number of weddings we have attended as guests, an
announcement is made that if anyone would like to say anything or
sing or take part in the reception, they are to notify the master of
ceremonies. At that point the couple has given up all control of the
program. We have attended weddings where the spiritual tone of
the reception has been excellent until one of those volunteer speakers is given the microphone. As he begins to speak it is apparent
that it is to be a bathroom joke or worse. The spiritual tone crashes,
usually never to be regained. A memory which should have been
joyous has become one to try to forget. The solution is to have a
master of ceremonies who will carefully check the content of every
participants contribution; or better still, do not make the original
announcement which leaves the door wide open.
One of the ways to have a wedding which will be a joy to remember is to plan the reception with the guests in mind. Many of your
friends will be traveling many miles to be with you on your special
day. Some may be taking time o work. All are committing the bulk
of that day to you. It is good to remind yourself of that and plan to
make their day a memorable one. My first suggestion is that you do
all in your power to have the wedding start on time. The guests will
have come early; some will have been seated for at least half an hour.
It is just common courtesy on the part of the bridal party to begin
the wedding on time.
SESSION NINE - HINTS FOR RECEPTION
Though it is another involved job for the bride and groom, it will
be much appreciated by your guests if at the reception places can be
assigned at the tables. This lets your guests know that you are caring
for them. If it is not possible for your guests to be seated immediately,
be sure there is sucient seating in the waiting areas so that they need
not stand for long periods of time.
Usually at the reception, opportunity is provided for the groom to
address the guests. This is an excellent time to pay tribute to the brides
parents, to thank the guests for coming, and to make any other appropriate remarks. This is also an excellent opportunity for the groom
to thank people who have had a significant impact in his life and the
life of his bride. There may be some aunt or uncle or grandparent who
has really made a big contribution to your life in your growing years.
This is the prime opportunity to make that known,
There is much more that could be added. A manual like this is
never finished. Our prayer is that what is here will help your wedding
day and your marriage to be happy and enduring and will bring honor
to our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.
Marriage Information Sheet

Wedding date:
Time:
Where:
Brides full name:
Age:
Present address:
Phone:
Occupation:
Place of birth:
Country or region:
Citizenship:
Fathers full name:
Place of birth:
Mothers full name:
Place of birth:
Witness for the bride:
Address:
Bridesmaids:
Religious denomination of the bride:
Address:
Spinster?:
Widow?:
Divorced?:
Bridegrooms full name:
Present address:
Phone:
Occupation:
Place of birth:
Country or region:
Citizenship:
Fathers full name:
Placeof birth:
Mothers full maiden name:
SESSION NINE - MARRIAGE INFORMATION SHEET
Mothers place of birth:

Witness for the groom:
Address:
Groomsmen:
Religious denomination of groom:
Bachelor?:
Widower?:
Divorced?:
Date and place of rehersal:
Date and place of rehersal dinner:
Preliminary Wedding Information

Full name of bridegroom:
Full name of bride:
Date & time of wedding:
Place & city of wedding:
Country/Region:
Best man:
Address:
Maid of matron of honor:
Address:
Groomsmen:
Bridesmaids:
Ushers:
Flowergirl/ring bearer:
Single or double ring wedding:
Who gives message at wedding:
When:
Scripture to be used:
Type of wedding - Formal:
Type of wedding - Informal:
Candles to be lit?:
Special usher for brides mum?:
Who?:
Special usher for grooms mum?:
Ushers also groomsmen?:

How do they get to the front?:
Aisle runner used?:
Special music for bridesmaids entrance?:
Bridesmaids up alone or with usher?
Directions for photographer:
Who gives bride away?:

How?:
Recessional greetings parents & friends?:
Grooms father escort brides mother out?:
SESSION NINE - PRELIMINARY WEDDING INFORMATION
BIBLIOGRAPHY
1. R. Stout, Professor of Psychology/Marriage
2. Dr. W. Douglas Hayhoe, Department of Education, Ontario,
Canada in an address
3. Ibid.
4. Wm. J. McRae, President of Ontario Bible College, Preparing
for Your Marriage pp. 36,37. Zondervan, 1980
5. Norman Wright, Premarital Counselling, p. 86, Moody Press,
1977
6. Ibid. p. 87
7. Henry Brandt M.D., Love is More Than a Tingle Good News
Broadcaster, Feb. 1982
8. David Hubbard, President of Fuller Theological Seminary, in an
address
9. Benjamin Schlesinger and Shirley Tenhouse Giblon, Lasting
Marriages, p. 27, Guidance Centre, Faculty of Education,
University of Toronto, 1984
10. Dr. James Dobson, Dare to Discipline, Tyndale House, 1984
11. Ed Wheat M.D., Family Physician, Springdale, Arkansas, tapes
on Sex Techniques and Sex Problems in Marriage and Love
Life for Every Married Couple
12.Robert and Alice Fryling, A Handbook for Engaged Couples,
Inter-Varsity Press, 1977
Material on budgeting on pages 60-64 is used by kind permission of
Hans Graf.
Answers submitted by various couples to assignment questions are
used by their kind permission.
Where extensive quotes have been made as in the case of Dr. Ed
Wheat and Prof. D. E. Hine, these are used with permission.

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A BIBLICAL APPROACH

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BELIEVERS BOOKSHELF CANADA INC.

Published by Believers Bookshelf Canada Inc.

THE SESSIONS ............................................................................

SESSION ONE .............................................................................

The Importance of Pre-marital Counseling ...............

Marriage Involves Conflict .................................

Groundrules for Counseling Sessions ......................

This is who I am ..............................................

Situations which may contribute to marriage problems .

SESSION TWO .............................................................................

What Real Love is

What can I Contribute to This Marriage?

SESSION SEVEN .........................................................................

Our roles in marriage ........................................

This is What I am Like as a Person

Time Spent W ith Parents in-Laws

Why a Budget? ................................................

How to Budget ................................................

Potential Trouble Spots

Sex in the Marriage Context ................................

Source Material for The Sexual Side of Marriage .......

Marriage Information Sheet ................................

As life together begins, many adjustments will have to be made

3. Number of brothers and sisters.

SESSION ONE - THIS IS WHO I AM

4. Position in the family (youngest, oldest, etc.). How do you feel

5. Relationship with parents.

7. How long have you known each other?

A BIBLICAL APPROACH TO PRE-MARRIAGE COUNSELING

9. How do you spend your time on dates?

10. What is your pet peeve?

11. What character trait do you most admire in other people?

12.What were the circumstances of your salvation?

Situations which may contribute to marriage problems

to serious problems in the marriage. Scripture also says, Can two

A BIBLICAL APPROACH TO PRE-MARRIAGE COUNSELING

A BIBLICAL APPROACH TO PRE-MARRIAGE COUNSELING

Covenants involving God are not to be taken lightly. It is worth

A BIBLICAL APPROACH TO PRE-MARRIAGE COUNSELING

I believe this to mean that there is to be a free sharing between

SESSION THREE - THE SERIOUSNESS OF THE MARRIAGE COVENANT

2. What is your definition of marriage?

3. What do you feel is Gods desire as to your part in this coming

Working with Assignment #1

A BIBLICAL APPROACH TO PRE-MARRIAGE COUNSELING

SESSION THREE - ASSIGNMENT

In the third chapter of his book Preparing for Marriage, William

A BIBLICAL APPROACH TO PRE-MARRIAGE COUNSELING

Marriage is a pledge of mutual fidelity; it is a partnership of mutual

Rendering to my husband the honor due him (1 Cor. 7:3).

Do good for my husband till death do us part or the Lord Returns

Working willingly in my God-given place.

Whatever the answers given, we discuss them with a view to

A BIBLICAL APPROACH TO PRE-MARRIAGE COUNSELING

2. Describe the goals (not the responsibilities) you have in mind

SESSION FOUR - ASSIGNMENT

WORKING WITH ASSIGNMENT #2

A BIBLICAL APPROACH TO PRE-MARRIAGE COUNSELING

A partner, someone whom I can love.

The ability to collectively make decisions.