our reflections

The Impact
of Disruption/Dissolution
By Melanie Chung-Sherman

A view from adoptees on the issue

of disruption/dissolution
Melanie Chung-Sherman,
MSSW, LCSW, LCPAA, is
a licensed clinical social
worker and licensed child
placing administrator with
the State of Texas. She is an
adoption therapist serving
members of the adoption
triad. She is also an associate professor of Social
Work at Collin College. She
serves as an independent
adoption consultant and
therapist specializing in
adoption-related issues.
She has worked in the
field of child welfare, foster care and adoption for
approximately 13 years
and has formerly served as
the Texas state director for
an international adoption
agency. She has traveled
extensively to advocate
and be a voice for child
welfare, child permanency
rights, and mental health
education around the U.S.
and the world. She and
her younger brother were
adopted from Korea in
the 1970s. She and her
husband live in the north
Dallas area with their two
sons.

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the many years of working in the field of adoption and foster care, there have been countless
joyful occasions that stand out, but it has been
the adoption breakdowns that have made an indelible
mark on my perception of what commitment really means
and how that has impacted my own adoption narrative. I
must warn you that this article will be filled with candid
revelations. I have chosen not to hold back on this sensitive
topic. Let me begin (very bluntly) by stating that the terms
disruption and dissolution are legalized, innocuouslymasked terminology used by adults making the decisions
on behalf of the child to end an adoption. What does forever
or permanent really entail when a legal clause exists to hit
the out button, as one adoptee called it in which adults,
particularly parents who had once committed to raise a
child as their own birth child then decide that they can no
longer? I must be clear to end an adoption is an adult
decision as is the process of adoption. It is also the end
of dreams and expectations. It is an ambiguous death for
all involved and the loss will never truly be repaired. The
cruel irony is that disruption replaces the forever, in which
adoption could not. It will create a new normal and the lives
impacted will never be the same regardless of age or
situation.

In

forever to parent by adoption. They blame themselves

based on an adults decision to disrupt. The rationale is that
if the first set of parents could leave me, it was only a matter of time before the others would leave as well because
who wants a bad baby, broken goods, a psycho case or
the left-over? (I must share that these are the descriptions that adoptees have shared with me personally following a broken adoption or foster placement.) These are
not descriptions of the families that chose to disrupt, but
internalized reflections of themselves broken promises,
broken vows, broken lives, legal-loopholes and justifications.
Why should that child trust any adult to keep them safe?
To live up to their word? To ever love them again? And with
every broken promise, why should they attach to an adult?
I must examine this as well, not just personally, but professionally, as I am just as culpable in every breakdown that I
was a part of starting with: Every paper that I signed. Every
parent that was trained. Every homestudy conducted and
approved. Every social worker that was supervised. Every
time I did not use my unique perspective as an adopted
person to speak up more. The reality is that, I, too, have
failed each child who was disrupted. This weighs heavily
on me because the burden of proof rests with the actions or
inactions of adults, not the child.

Let me explore the impact of disruption from an adoptees

perspective: Adoptees do not care about these legal definitions about adoption disruption or dissolution. What they
feel, within the core of their being, is that the parents and
adults in their lives have abandoned them again. What they
know is that the big people are leaving and it was only a
matter of time. The whole thing was a sham and it was an
affirmation that they never deserved the level of commitment, love and incredible hard work it would take to mean

Thus, I need to reflect on my childhood memories of my

relationship with my brother. I rarely speak openly about
this portion of my life, but after much thought, I believe
that it is relevant to this topic. My brother was also adopted
internationally. At that time, little education or research,
let alone support groups or professionals understood the
complexity of special needs adoption existed. The paradigm
was that love was enough. From a young age, my mother
recounted the behavioral eccentricities that my brother

AdoptionToday January 2012

possessed from lack of eye contact, irritability, aggression, hyper

vigilance and lack of being comforted. His disruptive behaviors did
not happen overnight, but had manifested slowly over the course
of time. Recounting the numerous behavioral issues such as fire
setting, missing pets, excessive lying, indiscriminate affection, stealing, fixation with violence, impulsivity, poor grades, food hoarding,
rages and physical aggression would overwhelm any parent let
alone coupled with the complexities of adoption in general and
two other children to raise. He seemed to find solace in a strangers
arms, rather than my familys. It was perplexing. He was hospitalized several times, treated and released only to return to a
frightened, overwhelmed and chronically stressed environment that
did not know what to do. He was diagnosed with several disorders,
but with each professional these diagnoses changed and morphed.
Medications and therapeutic interventions did not work and our
family began to lose hope.
I understand instinctually that when a sense of hopelessness sets
in, it is difficult to discern what better might look like and that
families will do just about anything to get to what was normal or
better again. We lived like prisoners in our own home locks on
doors, hiding sharp objects, monitoring his comings and goings.
All of the support systems had been depleted and we lived with a
sense of isolation and alienation. As my brother hit adolescence,
his behaviors escalated to the breaking point. The charm that had
once helped him cope had, by that time, run out completely by not
only those who knew him, but complete strangers. He dropped out
of school in the ninth grade and became involved with the law and
drug addiction. Throughout the years my brother has spent more
time behind prison walls than he would outside of them. This has
broken the heart of my family particularly my parents time and
again.
I can relate to families in crisis who are standing on the precipice
of disruption. I have lived in the depths of that chaos as a sibling
which is a strong part of why I am in this field today to share that
there is hope. I remember distinctly hearing others trying to support my parents and allude to the idea of just letting him go back
or ending the adoption. I remember my father stating emphatically, These are all of my children. He is my son, as I am a son.
Throughout the years, my parents would continually express openly
and through their actions in a variety of ways and in different contexts to each of us, You are mine, precious child. No matter what
you do. You are mine. . .
In raw moments, I fully admit to fantasizing that things would have
been better if he were not a part of our family. But that was a fantasy, not reality. In moments of gut-wrenching honesty, my parents
would be disingenuous if they did not consider this privately as
well. But the fact is, they did not disrupt. I have witnessed families

disrupt for far less offenses. . .and it confounds me every time. My

parents claimed us as their children and as an adult I look back on
this and consider the magnitude of what parenting truly means. I
am so thankful that they did not succumb to the supportive advice
thrown around by well-meaning, yet misguided family and friends.
Despite the pain and hurt that occurred during those years, and that
still exist today, the pain of losing my brother had my parents chosen to dissolve his adoption would have been unbearable. The loss
of him would have been catastrophic. If they could do that to him,
would they do that to me as well? He is my brother. He is their son.
And we are a family.
Life lessons were learned during those tumultuous days as I parent my own children. I look back and reflect on what commitment
means. It is challenging, complicated, unrelenting and filled with
enough grace to get you through the next day. It is forgiving and
flexible. It is joyful and comedic. It can be downright painful at
times the kind of raw pain that splits your heart to the quick. It
does not guarantee a story-book ending or fulfilled expectations.
What it does mean, in terms of adoption, is that despite the brokenness and pain of a child entering into the realm of adoption, someone will be there no matter what. No matter how battle-scarred they
are. No matter how hurt they have been. No matter how much a
child pushes grown-ups away to try to prove they are not worthy of
being loved so that they can protect their heart and shelter away any
vulnerability. The truth is that they desperately need someone to
stand in that gap alongside them no matter the circumstances.
Every abandonment is a death to the soul. Every child deserves a
permanent home, but it takes dedicated and unique parenting to
meet the needs of children. It is not the same as parenting biologically. Adoption is not for the faint of heart. Adoption motivations
derived out of a sense to rescue, replace or save a hurting orphan
will inevitably lead to disappointment which will cascade down
to the child. No one desires to be someones rescue mission or the
replacement for a lost dream. No one can live up to those ideals.
Thus, it is not the childs responsibility to match such great expectations for anyone. Adoptees need to know that they were adopted
because you wanted to love and genuinely parent them based upon
their uniqueness and preciousness not because adoption was
the alternative. Adoptees need for parents to work through their
own issues first and find the supports they need to navigate those
tough considerations before, during and after adoption. What adoptees need are parents who have worked through their pain, grief,
loss, childhood issues and maintain the ability to retune their own
expectations so they can realistically engage the needs of their children without reservation or their ego getting in the way. Adoptees
need to be reassured that they are not going anywhere. When big
people commit to forever, they better mean this because these children will be adults one day.

January 2012

AdoptionToday

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Heather Ellis, LMSW,

LCPAA, has worked in
the field of child welfare
for 10 years, including
treatment, placement,
and investigations
through Child Protective
Services, Foster Care
and Adoptions in New
Mexico, and Private
Domestic Infant
Adoptions in Texas. Ellis
is currently the director
of a domestic adoption
program through a non-profit agency in Dallas, Texas,
and has experience facilitating and co-facilitating support groups for adoptive parents and adult adoptees.
Ellis also has personal experience as a reunited adult
adoptee, who has a passion for providing ongoing counseling and support to the adoption triad. When she is
not working in the adoption field, you can find Ellis
enjoying time with her wonderfully, supportive husband,
Trent, and precious, 6-month old daughter, Ava.

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AdoptionToday January 2012

Like a violent tornado leaving a trail of destruction, adoption disruption wreaks havoc in the lives of everyone involved. It inflicts
pain upon the adoption workers, entire church communities and
classrooms. Emotional pain and anguish is experienced by the
adoptive parents, siblings and extended family members.
And last, but not least the child, who has been rejected once
more.
No ones life is quite the same after a disruption takes place. With
each failed placement the child relives the painful rejection he or
she initially experienced from the loss of their birth family.
The emotional wounds of rejection run deep, presenting a real
challenge the adoptee will struggle with for as long as he or she
lives. If you could close your eyes and listen to the heart of the
child who has experienced rejection by the people who were supposed to be their, forever family you might hear this
For every adult who gives up on me, a permanent black mark
is left across my heart; making it just a little more difficult, a
little more hopeless, for me to love and to be loved. Please try to
remember this before you decide to give up on me too