EMERGING NORTHERN ARTISTS & WRITERS FUND

Dear Andy
i anna rachenber

Dear Andy,
My name is Kiyanna. You dont know me, and you
never will. This is because, well, you committed suicide. I am writing this because my teacher asked us to
write an essay discussing a topic from a book we read
entitled, ears o a i er. One of the topic choices was
to write a letter to a character from the book. I chose
to write my letter to you, the main character, who ultimately commits suicide near the end.
Here, in Nunavut, suicide seems to be a reoccurring issue. Many people especially young people are turning to it as a way out, even though it
is never the right answer. I have heard about many
people who have ended their lives this way, and it
hurts and saddens me to hear it. Your story made
me decide to focus my writing on this subject, as it is
a very important one to my community and to me.
I could start by asking you why you did it but I
already know why. The book started out with you
and a group of friends deciding to leave a basketball
game, which you won, and drink while driving your
16 Northern Public Affairs, November 2014

car. This foolish choice, which ends grimly with the

death of your best friend in a drunk driving accident, sets the scene for the rest of the book.
Throughout the book, you went to therapy and
fell further and further into depression, blaming
yourself for your best friends death, even though
deep down, you probably knew he wouldnt want
you to blame yourself for his choice. Of course, at
this time, whats done is done. I cannot go back in
time and get you to choose otherwise, and I cant
save your best friend, nor can I save you. However,
I can tell you my thoughts on your suicide, and on
suicide as a whole. Youll never actually read this,
but others might, and I hope it will come to affect
them the way I would have wanted it to affect you.
When I read your thoughts before you committed suicide, I felt very unhappy. It angered me that
even though you called multiple people for help,
nobody bothered to ask you what was wrong, and
nobody even thought to help you at that moment.
Your experience invoked a lot of emotions in me. It
frustrated me, and made me feel a bit despaired. As

I delved further into your story, I sympathized reading about your problems, enthralled by the way you
dealt with them, and I found myself captivated by
your tale as I continued to read about your life and
the aftermath of a bad choice.
I cannot say I can fully comprehend the way you
chose to cope with the depression you felt; however,
I can see why at that point in your life it might
have felt like the only option. I know what its like
to feel really sad. I think all people feel that level of
sadness at some point in their lives, some more than
others. Your sadness was brought about by the death
of your best friend, Rob. You felt guilty because you
were the one driving the car, and you were drinking.
You felt an unexplainable amount of guilt, believing
it to be your fault Rob died.
Andy, I cant say it wasnt your fault. You, along
with the other boys, and even Rob himself, all share
some blame. It was your collective decision to drink
and drive, and it was your collective decision to get into
the car with an impaired driver. It was a stupid one but
it was a choice many teens make. Andy, it was partly
your fault but you were not entirely to blame. I wish
you could have realised that before you killed yourself.
I dont think Rob would have wanted you to die.
I know what a best friend is supposed to be, and nobody on earth should ever want their best friend to
kill themselves even if they blame their own on
death on them.
I never really got to know Rob that well, but
from what I can tell, he seems like he wouldnt have
blamed you. I think he would have realized that it
was all a terrible accident that you were just a
bunch of teenagers looking for a good time, and
found tragedy instead.
Andy, you seemed really afraid before you died.
You seemed afraid, sad, and angry. All these feelings together can cause people to do things theyll
probably regret, and its happening more and more
recently, especially here, in Nunavut.

A lot of the time, people dont realize that the only

thing killing themselves will do is cause more anger,
sadness, and pain to spread throughout the world.
This pain will spread like wildfire among those you
loved and still do love.
Sadness is a disease. Its not a physical one, or
a mental one but an emotional one. And its contagious. It starts in one persons small heart, and begins to show itself more and more. It spreads upon
their skin, upon their tongue, and into their actions.
When they touch the life of somebody else, it spreads

to them, as well. It touches more and more people,

until almost everybody is affected by it. It poisons us,
and it fogs our mind, and it burns us and our souls.
It isnt something we can stop fully but its something
we can fight. There are no guaranteed cures for sadness, but there is a way to keep it all at bay.
It starts in the same way sadness does: in somebodys single little heart. It spreads just like sadness does from person to person through our
words and our actions. The cure can take many
forms but they are all inspired by hope, love and
kindness. Sometimes it only takes a little bit of this,
and sometimes it takes a whole lot of caring and love
to chase the dark claws of sadness away. Sometimes
it only takes a few kind words to cure it, and sometimes it takes many peoples care, attention, and nurturing.
Sometimes it doesnt work. It didnt work in
your case, Andy. Sadness got you sadness, guilt,
and fear. They got you in their clutches, and dragged
you down, along with many other people who knew
and loved you. It coaxed you into doing something
that nobody should ever do, and because of that, it
has spread to those you love and care for.
Andy, Im sure you wouldnt have wanted it to
spread like that, and Im sure you didnt realize at
the time what your actions would do to them. You
see, everything in this world has a cause and an effect. The actions of every creature, no matter how
big or small, have an effect on the lives of others.
Everything we touch, and everything we hear will
affect us, and will affect those we know.
Suicide is one of the things that has many causes, and many effects. The effects in this case are all
too many. You have left many people in despair, now
afflicted with the same horrible disease of sadness
that caused you pain. You left behind not only your
little brother and family but also your friends and
the girl you loved, and all the people you were going
to meet. You have left them behind, blinded by your
grief and for that they will suffer.
Unlike you, though, they will overcome the
suffering. They have learnt from you, and they will
overcome the sadness and guilt and fear that come
from death. Andy, you have become a teacher to
those around you, whether you realize it or not. Your
actions will teach others, and continue to affect them
far into their lives.

As we grow older, hardships become engraved into

our minds, into our bodies, and into our souls. The
death of somebody we cherish, hold close, and love
Northern Public Affairs, November 2014 17

dearly is engraved upon our heart, an everlasting

scar. Though they hurt, and they will never go away,
these hardships teach us and guide us to becoming
better people. Sometimes they can make us worse
bitter and angry but sometimes they shine lights
upon things we couldnt understand, or refused to
acknowledge, before. I believe that without hardships, life would not be worth living. What is the
point to life if you always get what you want, and
never have to work for it? Many people wish for that
kind of life; I, however, do not. I understand that our
emotions are what make us human. Whether it be
our brains, our hearts, our bodies or our souls, something deep inside us makes us who we are; our identities are shaped by this and by the actions of others
and by the events in our lives. I do not pretend to
know the meaning of life, Andy, but I do believe that
it starts with being true to ourselves.
Perhaps we have a higher purpose, and perhaps
we do not. I doubt we will ever know for sure, and
if humans are ever to discover the meaning behind
our existence, I highly doubt it will be during a time
when I am still living. For now, all we have is our
beliefs, and the knowledge that we exist, and we exist for a reason. Andy, perhaps the meaning behind
your existence wasnt quite as big as others but
it did have meaning. Maybe the meaning of your
existence was to teach to affect the lives of the
people you love, so they may go on to affect the lives
of others, in turn.
You played a part in the circle of life, Andy. For
that, I thank you. Even in my life a person you
never met -, you have played a part. You have made
me think, and you have helped me to understand.
You have shone light upon roads I couldnt see before, and so I am grateful that you existed, if only for
a short time.
Andy, when you committed suicide, you were
afraid.
A lot of my friends say I am fearless. It might be
because I dont fear the same things they do, and I
dont react to things the way they would. This causes
many people to label me as fearless, and on occasions perhaps, a person to be feared.
When you dont quite understand something, it
is so easy to label them with a powerful term such
as fearless or to even turn against them, isolating them only with the words you say. Words are
very powerful, to the point that they can effect even
the most drastic of peoples actions, or they can set a
revolutionary event into motion. All it takes is a single word, and a person can be feared by the masses,
or become one of the ones fearing. In the past, I was
used to this. I thought it was okay for people to think
18 Northern Public Affairs, November 2014

of me in this way, and even now, I still let them.

But the thing is, Andy, I am afraid.
I am afraid of many things. I am afraid of the
unknown, of the things that I know I will never fully
understand. The idea of never being able to understand what is right in front of me terrifies me, and it
leaves me to wonder how many things there really are
in this world that I dont know. I am constantly aware
that we can never be entirely sure what the world will
throw at us next. The unknown is like looking into a
still, dark room or walking down a street alone you
have that eerie feeling that something or somebody is
there that you havent seen yet, and you know there
is a set of eyes, watching you as you stroll down the
street, unmoving. You just know. Much like you know
that the unknown is ever present and always there,
but always just out of your reach.
Andy, I am afraid of death. Not so much the
dying but rather what comes after. I fear life beyond
death, and what it may have in store for me. I fear
that one day, when I die, I will not have said all the
things I wanted to say, and I will not have told the
ones I love and care for how I felt about them. I
fear that the words and ideas floating around in my
head will never be shared. I fear that, perhaps, I will
not have done everything I wished to do, and that in
whatever afterlife is waiting for me, I will be plagued
by my own regret and misery.
I am afraid of my friends deaths. I fear the idea
of any one of them dying. I fear that they will never
know the stories I want to share, will never see the
things I wish to show them. I fear the idea of simply
being unable to make memories with them, and to
never be able to make them laugh again. I fear that
we will never just sit together, enjoying the silence,
and that I wont ever get to see their smiles again.
I fear that, perhaps, my final words to them will be
ones of anger, saying things I didnt mean to say,
leaving an image imprinted upon their souls which
is neither what I truly feel, nor how I want their final
view of me to be.
You see, I am afraid of many things, Andy.
However, I know that we all have different
strengths and knowledge. If there is something I
dont know, I can ask others for help and for guidance, and they can teach me what I have yet to learn.
Even if there is nobody to answer the big questions
about life, it is a comfort to realize that there are
others wondering just as much as you, and that there
are others who are striving to discover these things,
and share them with the world.
I know that one day I will die, and because of
that I make sure to speak my mind as often as possible, and to put my thoughts on paper. I know that

even if I am to be hurt in some way, there are capable people who can help me, and save me from
whatever is ailing me. I try to make sure that every
meeting is ended on a good note, and that my final
words to somebody before saying goodbye is one
of kindness, and not one that will leave them with a
large hole in their heart should we not meet again.
I know that one day, everybody will die. I know
that everybody I love will eventually pass away
some much sooner than expected. This is why I will
make sure to tell my parents I love them before I go
to bed, and I will make sure to help my friends when
they need it. Its why I try my best to help those when
they are in need, and to lend a shoulder to cry on.
Its why I always try my best to smile for the people
I love, at least every once in a while, so they know
that I do enjoy being with them. It is why I will make
sure to make memories with them, and to make sure
they know how much I care about them, and wish
for their safety, and for them to be happy and full of
love for the rest of their lives.
Love is quite a strong force, Andy. It might sound

clich, but it is a truth much of the world needs to

accept and learn from. Love can save a life, whether
it is from a grand, selfless act, or from somebodys
simple reminder to check the street before you cross.
Every time you show another person love, it affects
their life in tangible and intangible ways. I try to
show love in the small ways: the ways that nobody
quite notices until much, much later, in the ways that
will make the person know that even if they feel as if
they are collapsing inside, there is someone out there
who cares whether they live or die.
I am not fearless, Andy. Neither were you.
Nobody is fearless.
But with hope and love, life suddenly isnt so
scary anymore.
Regards,
Kiyanna C. Drachenberg
i anna rachenber a e
li es in aluit Nuna ut
s
rachenber hol s one o the Northern Public Affairs
er in
Northern riters an Artists un a ar s or

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