La Mujer que Ama Demasiado

LA MUJER QUE AMA DEMASIADO:

Se enamora del hombre inaccesible que no puede satisfacer sus necesidades emocionales.
No puede salir de una relacin que le causa mucho sufrimiento.
Se esfuerza continuamente en cambiar y mejorar a su pareja.
Con mucha frecuencia asume las mayores responsabilidades en la relacin.
Se siente la gran ayudadora y salvadora de su pareja, que muchas veces es una persona adicta.
Es inteligente, capacitada, emprendedora, con un cierto sentido de superioridad y sacrificio.
Persigue el sueo de convertir a su hombre en el prncipe azul gracias a su gran amor, quien por fin la har feliz.
No est en contacto con la realidad.
Durante su infancia desarroll respuestas emocionales distorsionadas.
Su modelo es un amor inmaduro romntico, de arrebatos y sufrimiento.
No puede amar a los hombres que seran buenos para su vida, le resultan aburridos.
Vive con intensidad un cctel de emociones (ansiedad, incertidumbre, celos, miedo, dependencia) y a esto le
llama amor.
Se siente irresistiblemente atrada por un hombre encantador, inmaduro, misterioso, inaccesible, problemtico,
necesitado de ayuda a quien piensa que tiene que conquistar y cambiar.
Sufre continua e intensamente con su hombre cuyo amor necesita para vivir; amor del que cada vez obtiene
menos migajas y por el que cada vez paga un precio ms alto.
Se hace adicta a su hombre-droga y al dolor emocional que le produce la situacin. Sabe que eso la est
matando pero siente que no puede evitarlo.
Puede disfrutar de muy buen sexo en una muy mala relacin.

Su impulso de entregarse sexualmente a otros, y posible promiscuidad, apunta ms a la satisfaccin de los

dems que a ella misma.
Confunde angustia, miedo y dolor con amor y excitacin sexual.
No la atraen sexualmente los hombres con quienes no lucha.
A menudo forma equipo con un hombre de menor experiencia sexual para poder sentirse en control.
Anhela la intimidad pero slo se siente cmoda con la distancia emocional creada y mantenida por la tensin de
la relacin.
Cuando todava ignora que est afectada de esta enfermedad emocional, se siente muy desgraciada. No
entiende por qu tiene tan mala suerte con las parejas.
Vive sus relaciones con gran desconcierto al no comprender cmo es que su gran capacidad de entrega y de
amor no es correspondida ni apreciada.
No se le ocurre preguntarse: Esta relacin es buena para mi?
No es consciente de sus propias necesidades, permanentemente ocupada en atender las de los dems.
Es una mujer hambrienta de amor y, por tanto, dispuesta a soportar lo insoportable para tratar de obtenerlo.
Vive obsesionada por conseguir que su hombre-droga le preste toda su atencin, todo su tiempo, todo su amor.
Ha perdido su libertad emocional y consume su energa vital en una relacin imposible.
Ha olvidado sus sueos, desconoce sus potencialidades y no valora sus logros.
Muchas veces est soportando malos tratos sin ser consciente de ello.
Debido a su dependencia emocional, a su adiccin a la relacin, puede llegar a situaciones extremas de malos
tratos.

EL SNDROME DE AMAR DEMASIADO (SAD)

Al objeto de facilitar la comprensin del Sndrome de Amar Demasiado (SAD), la propia creadora del Programa
explica:
Amar demasiado no significa amar a demasiados hombres, ni enamorarse con demasiada frecuencia, ni sentir
un amor genuino demasiado profundo por otro ser. En verdad, significa obsesionarse por un hombre y llamar a
esa obsesin amor
el amor se convierte en amar demasiado cuando nuestro deseo de amar, nuestra ansia de amor, nuestro
amor mismo, se convierte en una adiccin
las mujeres estamos programadas, tanto cultural como biolgicamente, para amar, sostener, ayudar y
consolar a los dems. Cuando lo que hacemos naturalmente no funciona, casi inevitablemente tendemos a
hacerlo con ms ahnco. Slo podemos intentarlo con mas fuerzas. Terminamos cautivas de un ciclo adictivo
nadie se convierte en una mujer as (que ama demasiado), por casualidad. Entre otras caractersticas
tpicas, la mujer que ama demasiado proviene de un hogar disfuncional que no satisfizo sus necesidades
emocionales
Las mujeres que tienen esta clase de caractersticas emocionales se ven atradas una y otra vez hacia
hombres que son emocionalmente inaccesibles por una razn u otra y a menudo se enfrentan al dilema del
buen sexo en una relacin infeliz o imposible
las mujeres que aman demasiado tienen poca consideracin por su integridadpersonal en una relacin
amorosa

Cmo hacen las mujeres que aman demasiado para encontrar a los hombres con quienes pueden continuar los
patrones perjudiciales de relacin que desarrollan en la niez?
Cmo, por ejemplo, hace la mujer cuyo padre nunca estuvo emocionalmente presente para encontrar un
hombre cuya atencin ella busca constantemente pero no puede ganar?
Cmo es que la mujer que proviene de un hogar violento se las ingenia para formar pareja con un hombre que
la golpea?
Cmo es que la mujer que se cri en un hogar alcohlico encuentra un hombre que ya padece o pronto
desarrollar la enfermedad del alcoholismo?
Cmo hace la mujer cuya madre siempre dependi de ella emocionalmente para encontrar un esposo que
necesita que ella lo cuide?
De todas las posibles parejas que encuentran, cules son los indicios que llevan a estas mujeres hacia los
hombres con quienes pueden continuar el baile que conocen tan bien desde la niez?
Y cmo reaccionan (o no reaccionan) cuando se encuentran con un hombre cuya conducta es ms sana y
menos necesitada, inmadura o abusiva de lo que estn acostumbradas, cuyo estilo de baile no concuerda tan
bien con el de ellas?

UN RPIDO TEST
Las mujeres que deseen conocer si funcionan con el patrn de Amar Demasiado, encontrarn un breve y
rpido TEST con tan slo leer estos primeros prrafos del Prlogo del libro Mujeres que Aman Demasiado
de Robin Norwood:
Cuando estar enamorada significa sufrir, estamos amando demasiado.
Cuando la mayora de nuestras conversaciones con amigas ntimas son acerca de l., estamos amando
demasiado.
Cuando disculpamos su mal humor, su mal carcter, su indiferencia o sus desaires como problemas debidos a
una niez infeliz y tratamos de convertirnos en su psicoterapeuta, estamos amando demasiado.
Cuando leemos libros de autoayuda y subrayamos todos los pasajes que lo ayudaran a l, estamos amando
demasiado.
Cuando no nos gustan muchas de sus conductas, valores y caractersticas bsicas, pero las soportamos con la
idea de que, si tan slo furamos lo suficientemente atractivas y cariosas, l querra cambiar por nosotras,
estamos amando demasiado.
Cuando nuestra relacin perjudica nuestro bienestar emocional e incluso, quiz,nuestra salud e integridad
fsica, sin duda estamos amando demasiado

Prevencin Violencia de Gnero

PROGRAMA PREVENTIVO DE LA VIOLENCIA DE GNERO
El Sndrome de Amar Demasiado que se manifiesta como un conjunto de ideas, sentimientos y conductas,
constituye en la visin de este Programa una enfermedad adictiva a las relaciones de pareja destructivas.
Las mujeres aquejadas por dicho patrn emocional se convierten en potenciales vctimas de malos tratos
psicolgicos, emocionales e incluso fsicos.
Y llegadas a esta ltima situacin, la progresin de la enfermedad ya ha desembocado en una autntica adiccin
que inhibe en la mujer maltratada su voluntad, su libertad emocional, y la mantiene atada poderosamente a su
agresor de quien puede llegar a depender emocionalmente de manera total.
La mujer que ama demasiado tiene la suficiente inteligencia para ser consciente de su sufrimiento en esa
situacin y del deterioro de su vida pero, aunque lo sabe, no puede evitarlo.
Ha desarrollado una adiccin a ese hombre y al dolor emocional.
Confunde sus emociones intensas con amor y est convencida de que lo quiere mucho y no puede dejarlo.
Y muy frecuentemente tambin piensa que l la necesita, que ella le est ayudando en su problemtica vida;
muchas veces una vida de adicto (al alcohol, a las drogas, al juego, al trabajo).
En la Asociacin Mujeres Annimas que Aman Demasiado entendemos que es esta la razn por la cual las
mujeres vctimas de malos tratos (psicolgicos, emocionales y tambin fsicos), permanecen con ese hombre, le
perdonan una y otra vez y vuelven con l hasta perder la salud y, a veces, como bien sabemos, hasta la propia
vida.
El Programa de Recuperacin de R. Norwood que se sigue en esta Asociacin est diseado para actuar en las
fases iniciales de la curva de progresin del sndrome (S.A.D.), como labor preventiva y NO de tratamiento de
las situaciones de maltrato fsico, ya que stas exceden del mbito de actuacin del Programa y requieren la
intervencin de las Instituciones pertinentes.

Esta prevencin se refiere tanto a evitar que la mujer llegue por primera vez a la situacin de victima de malos
tratos, como para evitar las recadas.
Despus de salir de una situacin de gran sufrimiento, o incluso de maltrato en la pareja, para la mujer que ama
demasiado y no se ha recuperado de su Sndrome, de su enfermedad emocional adictiva, existe un alto riesgo
de recada, bien en la misma relacin de pareja (vuelve con su agresor), o se involucra, una y otra vez, en
nuevas y sucesivas relaciones de pareja destructivas.

"Why did he leave me?" she cries? "Things were going so well!" These are the sorts of exclamations of women
who love too much when they are experiencing heartbreak.
The question is how do you know that you could be one of those women? What are the signs that you need to
look out for to identify whether you are par of the women who love too much club or not?
Below I will give you five signs of whether you are a woman who loves too much and why each of these actions
will lead to the demise of your relationship.
1) You say yes when you mean no
Do you find yourself saying yes all the time to certain things in the relationship when in fact you really do not want
to do them? Well, this is a sign that you are part of the women who love too much club. If you keep saying yes to
things and situations that do not fill your heart with pleasure, you are not only being dishonest towards him but
you will also fill your heart with anger and resentment over a long period of time.
Lack of communication and feeling angry will at best bring the relationship down and at worst lead to its
demise as they are two qualities that are needed for a healthy relationship to thrive.
2) You abandon your friends
It's easy to jump into a relationship and think that you have it made. He now becomes your supposed best friend
and being with him is all you can think about. You decide that he is now the most important thing in the world, and
will change your plans with your friends if he decides he wants to spend time with you. You may have even decide
to abandon them completely.
For a relationship to thrive you need to have a balanced life that includes friends because otherwise you will be
putting too much pressure on the relationship. Putting pressure on relationships is not a strategy that works and
could lead down the road of divorce or breakup.

3)You are only happy when he is around you

If you find that you can only be happy when you are with him and feel sad or not worthy when you are not, then
this is a massive warning sign to do something about it. To base your happiness around another human being is
definitely a sign that you are part of the women who love to much club.
Its important to make sure that your happiness stems from within and is not based on external factors because
you will lose yourself in the relationship and lose your power to give it to him.
4)You put him on a pedestal
Putting him on a pedestal means that you will automatically be putting yourself in the pit. This will spurn your
feelings of unworthiness and you will play the comparison game, believing that you are in no way as special as
him or good as him. This of course is not true. You are as special - in fact he is just a reflection of you - even if you
cannot see it right now.
The problem with putting him on a pedestal is that energetically he will feel it and will probably feel that he can do
anything he wants. He may even start treating you badly and let you down because he can feel he has the power.
At this point, men get tired and are more likely to walk away.
5) You Let Him Treat You Badly
A lot of the time when I have worked with women in an abusive relationship, I have found that these are the
women who love too much. They so want the approval and love of their partner that they would do anything for
him and let him do anything to her. This is exactly when abusive relationships manifest and she lets him treat her
like dirt.
If this is you right now it would be important to walk away and seek the help that you need. Abusive relationships
will at some point lead to relationship breakdowns because they are not sustainable.
If you have been part of the women who love to much club and you are currently experiencing heartbreak,
find out how you can change your patterns and move on here..

Being in Love Means Being in Pain, Therapist Robin Norwood Says You Are a Woman Who Loves Too
Much
By Lee Powell

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"It was mostly from the wives and girlfriends of addictive men that I began to understand the nature of the
disease," says Robin Norwood, 40, author of the best-selling Women Who Love Too Much, subtitled When You
Keep Wishing and Hoping He'll Change (Tarcher/ St. Martin's Press, $14.95). In the book Norwood examines why
women become involved in destructive relationships with men, and what can be done about the fatal attraction. A
California licensed family and marriage therapist with a master's degree in human development from Pacific Oaks
College in Pasadena, Norwood is married to her third husband, Robert Calvert, 45, a deputy district attorney for
Santa Barbara. Norwood, the mother of a son, Lane, 21, and a daughter, Piper, 17, discussed her work with
reporter Lee Powell.
Who is the woman who "loves too much"?
She is a woman who gets into relationships with men who have problems, knowing full well they do have
problems. She's obsessed with another person, whether it's a partner of many years or a series of partners. If
she's not with a man, then she's obsessed with finding one. She's a woman who measures the degree of her
"love" by the depth of her torment.
Why is loving too much destructive?
It's like any other addiction. Everything deteriorates: her work, her health, her relationships. She can die from
stress-related physical disorders or from being so preoccupied with someone else she doesn't take care of
herself. Some of these women actually become suicidal.
What drew you to this subject?
I grew up in a single-parent home. My parents separated during World War II, and I met my father only once,
when he took me out to dinner after my fifth-grade graduation. Then at Burbank High School I heard a
psychologist describe working with families, helping them to talk about their problems. Without plugging into how
much I wanted that to happen in my own family, I knew that's what I wanted to do.
Are there men who love too much?
There are some. Men aren't set up biologically to be childbearers, nor are they culturally programmed to be
caretakers. So men are more apt to turn to something outside themselves, like work or sports. But men who do
stay with, say, alcoholic women are themselves often from alcoholic homes. Women are more loyal, perhaps
neurotically so. Look at the statistics: One out of 10 men stays with an alcoholic wife; nine out of 10 women stay
with an alcoholic partner.

What do these women have in common that contributes to their problem?

They usually come from poorly functioning families where they learned very early to take responsibility for others,
to monitor the emotional climate and to try to keep it stable. Many come from families where there is alcoholism,
drug addiction or compulsive gambling. If there's a struggle going on between the adult partners in the family or
between a parent and the worldto make a living, for examplethen the children can feel abandoned
emotionally.
What is the result?
A child in a troubled family feels she must solve her parents' problems in order to earn their love. But she can't,
and they are too obsessed with their pain to love and nurture her.
What other factors are involved?
Just being the oldest in a troubled family can force a child into an overly responsible role. When a parent is ill it
may create a situation over which the child is powerless but with which she tries to cope.
How serious can these problems be?
The most devastating, for example, is incest, and a daughter who is forced to take over her mother's role is
betrayed both physically and emotionally. It's a grim legacy because the victim is likely, in adulthood, to choose a
partner who will violate her daughter. We tend to repeat patterns we grew up with.
Aren't most females in our society raised to be caretakers?
From childhood on we're surrounded by messages that tell us, in books, articles and on TV, that we have the
power to fix and control others if we use it correctly, which is a total fiction. For example, we're supposed to make
our partners healthier, better lovers, more successful. When a woman has grown up in an impaired or abnormal
family, the problem of wanting to change someone else becomes exaggerated, sometimes to the point of
pathology.
You refer to these women as addicts and call their problem a "disease." Aren't those pretty strong words?
Not if you see how sick these women become and still are unable to let go. If their partners leave them, they
suffer withdrawal symptoms that are very powerful and physical. They can often become sleepless, restless, they
can have chills, even nausea. Just as a compulsive eater goes all over town looking for the chocolate cake or a
drug addict stays up all night looking for a connection, the woman who's addicted to relationships drives around

trying to find her partner. It's humiliating, out-of-control behavior. There's no difference that I've been able to find
between an addict coming off heroin and a woman coming off an obsessive relationship.
How many of the women you see are attracted to men who are dependent on alcohol or drugs?
When I worked at a clinic that wasn't specifically oriented toward drug and alcohol abuse, I observed that about
80 percent of the men and women seeking professional advice in my office were either chemically dependent on
drugs or alcohol, or were the mothers, sisters, wives and daughters of abusers. And remember, for every alcoholic
there are four other people whose lives are affected. A therapist I worked with once told me, "You can't find an
alcoholic who doesn't have a girlfriend. You know why? Because alcoholics are so exciting."
Why are alcoholics intriguing?
When an alcoholic asks you out, you never know if he'll show up. He might show up two days late, with roses, and
say, "Let's fly to San Francisco for dinner." And when he does show up, we think we are so wonderful that he did it
for us. We pit ourselves against the behavior pattern and we want to win.
Isn't love supposed to be exciting?
That's the rough part. Since the age of chivalry we've been romanticizing suffering. "This is the real thing," we say
when it hurts. Television portrays seductive relationships as though they were reality, when they lack all the
ingredients for stability or real intimacy. There's no trust, no security, just all this drama.
Could this be a result of the changing role for women today?
No. We used to believe women stayed in terrible relationships because of economics. But today women with
wonderfully paying jobs stay in or repeat unhealthy relationships. This situation is a product of the families we've
grown up in, the problems we learned to cope withor couldn't cope within childhood.
How does a woman recover?
First she should seek help. Usually a woman wants to help him, her partner. But it's important to focus on yourself
and to help yourself. See someone who understands addiction. For example, I think Al-Anon, which treats the
partners of alcoholics, is the treatment of choice because the best help comes from people who have been
through it all themselves and are recovering. There is also Nar-Anon for the partners of narcotics abusers and
shelter services for battered wives. Whatever the problem, there is usually a support group. I trust that more than
professional help.

How does a woman make recovery her first priority when she has children, perhaps a job and a sick partner?
I believe that if you put your own recovery first, everything else takes care of itself. Spend as much time and
energy changing yourself, which is possible, as you've spent trying to change your partner, which is impossible.
Does recovery mean that you have to be loveless and alone?
No, but you have to get your focus on yourself, face your own destructive patterns. It's a rough world, and most of
us would like to hold hands with somebody. But when you cling to one person as the source of all good things in
life, this dependency is going to fill you with fear. You can get some of the things that make you feel good from
yourself, your friends or your co-workers. Someone once told me, "We can have everything we want and need,
but we can't say where it's going to come from."

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