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CLOWNING
BASEBALL
Clowning
THROUGH
Basehall
By
AL
SCHACHT
and
Grammar
Adjectivesby
GOODMAN
MURRAY
Foreword
by
KIERAN
JOHN
Illustrations
WILLARD
A,
S.
BARNES
AND
by
MULLIN
COMPANY
Publishers,New
York
COPYRIGHT,
BY
A.
S.
BARNES
AND
book
TJfis
prodiiced
any
vianner,
IN
THE
it
be
may
either
UNITED
the
reprinted
wholly
special
copyright
STATES
and
copyright
by
without
of
PRINTED
in
whatever
use
INCORPORATED
protected
appears
in
any
COMPANY,
fully
is
that
nothing
for
I94I
or
written
or
in
re-
party
mission
per-
ow?ter.
OF
AMERICA
Dedicated
Who
My
Mother,
all the
blame
to
takes
9 9 ;"b :?
FOREWORD
should
There
Clown
the
be
of
Prince
national
him
of
writers
deep
on
the
for
belongs
through
many
modest,
of
of
this
him
with
entrancing
tales
that
all
the
laughter,
and
merry
my
in
he
would
friend
and
on
of
authentic
the
and
the
hearty
times.
the
in
not
like
than
Al
shows
honest,
sporting
unassuming
good
nobody
monds
dia-
terial
ma-
spins.
war-torn
and
the
tertained
en-
background
solid
wealth
with
gifted class,
has
and
themselves
the
into
He
years
dumb
these
in
fellows
fine
book,
provide
furnish
us
of
Schacht,
hilarious
provide
know.
man
Al
fun
more
players
wide
baseball
cherished
in
ball
His
game.
who
be
should
the
put
span
his
the
Those
long
builds
he
and
met
than
knowledge
which
and
games
has
other
any
over
more
all
In
Baseball,
than
pastime
millions
enjoys
fun
some
to
field
the
Al
and
Schacht
rank.
rear
add
laughter
that
none
blushing
But,
have
more
author
Schacht.
JOHN
KIERAN
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
To
been
has
To
To
the
the
be
it
the
in
have
to
me,
world.
cheered
tremendous
which,
and
me
it
sport
and
on,
is.
who
have
people
50,000,000
wrong!
the
through
Arthur
rolling.
of
writers
sports
in
To
the
lifeblood
my
game
who
fans,
possible
career
is
greatest
baseball
made
can't
which
Baseball,
their
the
nation,
kindness
to
made
who
me
this
throughout
book
my
baseball.
Mann,
who
threw
out
the
first
ball,
and
kept
CONTENTS
Foreword
I.
vii
Star Is Bom
II.
Success
Story
ii
III.
Idiot's
Delight
20
IV.
Good
Momin',
V.
VI.
VII.
VIII.
IX.
X.
Unknown
Screwloose
Old
39
Soldier
on
and
Fox
47
the Diamond
29
Kildare!
CallingDr.
The
Judge!
58
Defraud
to
70
the Sour
Grapes
79
89
,
XI.
XII.
Back!
Lover, Come
103
112
Pilgrim'sProgress!
XIII.
XIV.
Wuthering Heights
131
Much
Ado
141
Runs,
Hits
XV.
XVI.
XVII.
XVm.
About
and
119
Nothing!
Errors!
Seein' Stars
159
174
Heaven
Too!
183
through
CLOWNING
BASEBALL
STAR
My
IS BORN
love
for
baseball
earliesthome
Yankee
remember
can
Stadium.
the
Over
chases flies,
I chased
now
the
in
look
days
better
about
same
soil,because the
on
where
area
goats, and
Hvely goat.
What
Di
Joe
Maggio
but that
vice versa,
makes
today is
of
was
You
own.
tender
rudder-Hke
my
your
of the
was
the
Di
never
has
mother
took
was
Maggio
to
worry
When
at
from
comes
and
profile,
are
has
said:
descendant
there
and, besides,
[newspaperman
age, my
are
of
"Alexander,you'reon
Abraham, but not Lincoln
log cabins
no
great future,so
look
one
in the Bronx.
sell as
many
as
A
you
can."
Yciii-caa
gatherfronr
but
flmily,
into
me.
heard
The
inclosed
and
only a
soon
Polo
able
was
marvelous
playersgo
clothes. And
seeing them
and
come
as
which
rushed
over
dressingrooms
could
out.
to
Long
was
no
born
was
from
up
grandstand
from
house. As
my
how
developed
before
and
the greatest of
I had
seen
there
poor
was
to
it
its wooden
by
into
they echoed
short swim
walk"
to
in and
leagueuniform,I
from
Grounds, with
gait"I
street
the game
Eighth Avenue
on
stone's throw
as
ball
about
nuts
was
born
was
^cause
pityfor baseball,-
your
Harlem.
my
save
this that I
big-
in their
like
and big
blue-eyed
John J.McGraw,
pouter-pigeon
ing-eyed,
bowlegged Honus
Wagner, and his
Clarke;Tinker and Chance, and other
ChristyMathewson,
Fred
great manager,
of the
big guns
day.
A'
would
say
myself."Forgel
to
would
"Right,"I
sight,
you
not
them
meet
Why
get
And
? I
not
was
so
was
quickon
managed
to
worm
Then
became
or
had
I rushed
leg-man for
had
or
thing of
have
to
send
to
by
Why
personality.
minor
to
up
the
a
I could
worst
being a
nuisance.
for
Grounds
that
be of service. That
when
players
suit taken
message.
the
without
until I noticed
way
feet,and
my
seat
morning practiceworkouts
of the
your
stars
socially?"
kick in the
all these
reply."Knowing
you."
to
they needed
the tailor'sin
Little Alexander
and
necessity,
how
was
became
a
a
wich,
sand-
hurryj
somq
sandwich-beare
special
the Giants
straight
pennant and then won
by pitchingthree
single-handed
their second
to
Series almost
the World
Athletics.
againstthe Philadelphia
fourth year in publicschool,I
my
shutouts
After
nothing the
teachers could do
so
I hid
under
one
the other. It
glove under
that made
and
"
my
arm
sary
neces-
books
and
and
baseball
for knowledge
contempt
baseball
playerloves
to
lunch
^glove,
"
ported
re-
ited
lim-
and
eat.
lunch
My
on
seed
we
had
glove under
lunch
and
every
period the
The
not
was
the
me
me
I
strength.
books
lunch
my
teach
would
realized that
of
aroma
esters
were
lunch
released
in its
teacher
and,
lazyway,
fire.
prairie
Always, without
snatch
catch
the
me.
yelledshrilly:
"Alexander, bring me
mouth
The
get
stronger
in each
my
room
tightersqueezing.
as
the
as
lunch
tantalizing
time
proache
ap-
boyishappetitespreadlike
fail,I would
bite under
would
would
bolognagrew
class to class.With
from
arms
my
you
holding in
are
your
and hand!"
second
time
she
shouted, but
not
as
harshlyas
before.
"Alexander,the lunch,please!"
Thereafter,she would
"Alexander, the
squeeze
the mustard
pleasant,
hungry voice:
bolognasandwiches,please.And don't
out
purr
in
altogether!"
Is Born
Star
I stood it as
j
I could. I
was
room.
can
figureout
never
Schacht
why,
I decided
little,
so
become
to
I made
with
Matty so big
but
a
pitcher,
the choice. I
gained the
and
my
team
any
baseball whatever.
never
case.
The
evenlymatched.
^were
"
for
terrific,
was
rivalry
trailing
by
found
to
i.
We
the
"
1908
closinginnings
warning in the ninth, I
any
myself on
of that year
into the
went
Without
teams
reason
was
never
able
to
tellhow
At
rate, there
any
something had
to
I was,
be done. A
and
it occurred
to
me
that
comfeelingof desperation,
Perhaps it
the gypsy
was
I took
steal home.
to
advantageof
wind-up and
slow-motion
on
third,was
actually
was
firstunder
dirt of the
home-platesector.
of
good
earth
I looked
as
heard
dived
head
my
eyes and
and
up
opposing pitcher's
I
plate.
buried
My
but I decided
in me,
the
powering.
over-
mouth
the
full
were
umpire shout,
"Safe!"
There
It
threatening.
and
wrath
of God
With
without
or
innings and,
home
suffered
as
of
the
v/ith my
piano
teacher's fault. He
to
would
and
have
an
cost
hour
Who
could
was
The
the
Giants
him
lesson
that much
me
the
and
umpire,
you!
will
He
in
extra
the
by pride,and
the usual
beat the
son
Hall.
It
was
So
pupil.
in
over
he put
the
maternal
out
daylights
was
the
piano
that
telling
a
fast clock
minutes
forty-five
for baseball
to
me
fielder's glove.
But
a
claimed
teacher
had
then
laced into
mother
piano
mother
have
attention
sweetest
my
Carnegie
time
more
pay
at
should
left without
my
the
the game
won
inflated
head
day hearingher
concert
fiery
when
terrificdeflating
one
was
result of my
playingbaseball while
fiftycents by default.
Unfortunatelymy poor
of
at
both of
on
we
forgiveness,
for
dream
then
but
me,
hear:
to
be forever
rapidly throughout
reached
his face
and
me
over
for this!"
forgiveyou
never
big fist at
his
shouted
"The
figurebending
Condon, and
Dr.
was
shook
red. He
third
still a
was
music
go
secret
on
to
me
give
practice.
that year,
ball
1908? Base-
rhapsodyto
every
kid in New
Chicago Cubs
had
finished the
York.
season
Is Born
Star
in
tie and
them
of Fred
because
the
first base
earlier game
Merkle's
to
failure
after
second
to
been
protested
completethe
distance
had
crossed
winning
play-over,
biggestsports
the Polo
stagedat
nickel. But
thousand
Grounds
on
run
nickels,because
Grounds.
the Polo
the reporters
the game,
cover
pushed hither
were
led
the
boxes
followingyear,
and
an
off
ball
I didn't have
when
day
as
and
jammed
was
fans
disappointed
luck
had
who
many
park
was
year,
to
were
the limited
on
size of
cause
being made inside,beYork
from New
and Chicago,assigned
couldn't get into their regularseats and
and yon by impatientfans. This shambles
History
the formation
to
the
of the
event
well
just as
was
to
had
which
ordered
plate.
This
had
League president
the National
replayan
to
from
was
of the Baseball
Writers'
which
resulted in press
in
orderlyarrangement
turn
of conditions
tion
Associa-
for
ing
cover-
baseball games.
Out
got
on
out
Eighth Avenue
of hand, thanks
buddies.
We
hemmed
the
catwalk
could
from
the elevated
tear
grownups
down
Though crowded
Here
paradise.
were
into
that
Alexander
the outfield
structure
followed
and
Schacht
from
El'
to
the
crowd
fence
and
pillar
his
that
made
our
the
the
bridge.
beyond safetyinside,it
the
players,
separatedfrom
around
to
The
terrific.
was
of kids and
cops
the crush
to
us
hold
world's greatest
only by
the rope
the crowd
was
an
earthly
people,baseball
that stretched
in check.
squeezed
field.From
in deep center
squatted
lowlyperch I waited for my idol,ChristyMathewson,
spot up
front and
Clowning Through
to
Baseball
his
thirty-eighth
victoryof the season.
He
wasn't invincible that day, but he stood them
to
nobly.I don't recall the inning,but Joe Tinker came
win
with
the
knew
tied and
score
two
Cubs
almost
So
true.
will. It
at
it
not
was
batter,could
bat
even
hit
Matty
a
strange and unfortunate thing,but
when
Matty turned in our
surprising
motioned
and
direction
was
base. Now,
on
off
for Cy
Seymour,
Giant
center
to play deeper.
fielder,
but motioned
only refused to shift his position,
do the
to Matty as though to say, "You
disdainfully
an' I'llplay the outfield!"
pitchin'
Joe Tinker then walloped a drive to deep center.
mour
Seyraced back,but the ball missed his upstretched
gloved
for a triple.
The
Cubs
the
hand by inches and went
won
of 4 to 2 and took their third-straight
by a score
game
National League pennant, leavinglittleAlexander
ing
squirm-
Seymour
in
not
misery.
and
expelledwhen
the horrified
covered
high school officialsdis-
some
ignoramus
ever
ful
success-
since.
Ah, but
fun.
They brought
excitement and new
to
surroundings.
me
They transported
and to what might be called the
the Catskill Mountains
"Borscht
Circuit
leagueand
of Baseball."
It
were
was
week
type of
with
summer
room
and
Is Born
Star
board. I
sent
dollars of it home
two
and
squanderedthe
riotous
on
wealthy fathers
and
alwayslate
were
Alexander's
the
change touches.
and
leavingme
they went,
I
Still,
one.
N.
Y.,
won
scout
prizesucker
weekly
soaked
until
up
ances,
allow-
in small-
Septembercame
and
team
the
dollars were
two
was
with
to
Griffith.
ended
This
with
fellow offered
school. A
and
expenses
to
had
I made
when
one
summer-long nightmarethat
quitting
dollars,
plustransportation
four
me
begun
pitcha singlegame
N.
Catskill,
in
Y. It
Brushes
days of two-cylinder
belt-drive Metz, which was
why we went by train
was
and
the
and
stoppedoff
in order
catch
to
Newburgh,
at
an
N.
Y.,
Shore
earlyWest
to
sleepat
hotel
the morning.
It
River
due
was
and
to
wished
being away
I had
numbers
me,
from
of
was
the Hudson
very nervous,
the mother
sleepand
I had
treated
I
right away
better because I
When
sheep-counting.
ran
slumber
terrificfire and
out
of
finally
awoke
with
lips.
hurled
to
get
arithmetic
I -dreamed
my
and
home
couldn't
studied
for the
overtook
but
sleeping,
shamefully.I
so
rather ancient
myself againstthe
to
bHnded
my
by the glare,promptly
Then
I raced around
wallpaper.
the
in
room
for
madly
hands,
blinded
charred
horrible
of
remains
found
the
in
out
the
the
Hudson
against
"Get
the
hurled
the
by
hotel
little
ruins.
window
my
picked
and
rope
to
back
searchlight
to
slide
when
River
face
nightshirt
Unable
door.
trembling
escape
flannel
my
by
bed,
from
the
up
it
determined
and
the
pitcher
rope
of
still
that
would
all, I
my
fire-
window,
Schacht
Nightshirt
for
old-fashioned
open
and
Alexander
down
of
the
searched
as
doorknob
coil
out
glow
fire
yelUng
locate
to
Baseball
Through
Clowning
lo
water
be
not
climbing
was
and
the
plunge
was
into
dashed
roommate.
my
you
the
dumbbell!"
Albany
he
night
muttered.
boat!"
"That's
12
"We
have
bat
boy,"he
said. "Go
away
now."
I'm Schacht."
"Justa minute, Mr. Griffith,
he said,returning.
"When
"Oh, that's different,"
is your
brother
"One
hundred
and
Which
forty."
was
He of dark white
hue.
"What
Story
Success
I made
Right away
concern
knew
fetish of
or
standingnext
sitting
big name
one
13
findingan
was
empty
onlyfrom
Polo
from
or
pitching,
my
spot beside
some
from
Grounds
seeinghim
dressingroom.
to
gest
bigguy
in
street
Spying
seat, I would
did. Beheve
there
me,
were
no
greater
those
than
moments
which
brought me
side
by
side with
"
Griffith called
reaches
me
over
to
hear
the saddest
that
ever
ball
ears.
player's
"Schacht,"he said,"you had better
a
music
go
home
and
fatten
14
At
up.
advice
to
Guinness'
rate
is
you
Stout
I rushed
the
to
in
once
and
while
good
and
saloon
nearest
learned
loaf around
with
downed
and
meals."
put
it
immediately.
whole
Then
clothes
my
drink
and
meals."
your
I followed
the
forgetting
and
home
go
seemed
advice
His
to
bottle,
home
went
bed
to
and
the floor.
slepton
uniform had
big-league
because now
affectsa chorus girl,
That
It
one.
meant
affected
as
mink
wrap
happy
out
with-
I couldn't be
but
sacrifice,
me
willing.There
was
baseball in New
York
on
big-league
Sunday,and
that day in order to
I pitchedtwo
so
on
semi-pro games
sustain myself as a major leaguerthrough the other six
days.These days were
working
spent at the Polo Grounds
no
was
out
Through
York
varietyof
of John J. McGraw
an
it from
under, had
eye
out
for
skimpy side,as
After
Clark
as
individual. Take
down
Giants.
tough
that
please,
me,
terrificsense
the
case
and
manager
of humor
even
promising material,
was
probablythink
with
Griffith resignedme
he
and
when
tougher
was
a
softy
alwayskept
it
littleAlexander
from
the
was
on
the
Schacht.
Reds, I talked
me
letting
put on a Giant uniform and work
with the boys.He agreedand I became
the firstplayer,
out
far as I know, who
ever
so
jumped from a second-division
in mid-season,but for nothing.
winner
team
to a pennant
free-lance ball playerwith plenty of stuff that
I was
a
of it.
bat got in the way
seemed to disappearwhen
a
McGraw
into
Story
Success
It
15
here
was
that
caught
regarded him
and
Mathewson
with
again
up
great
hght of
the
in
now
the
of hustle and
was
of black
bustle and
ambition. I
animated
and
marvelous
my
the sand
empty
But
Matty
from
famous
answered
me,
show
to
ball,which
would
he
value. Some
screwball. But
the
batters
wrecks
wondering
said,and
that virtue
marvelous
record
gettingup
that
vain
was
throw
his
is what
the
sensation
then,
the
became
they finally
him
made
indicates. I
can
the other
with
questions
to
throw
of
twice
others
nervous
it.
as
John
dependability,
inning,but, instead
seventh
it
he would
when
the soul of
was
twigs
forgotto
and
caught unexpectedly,
were
expectedit so long in
an
ordinarycurve
with
He
too.
great effectiveness,
fadeaway often,which increased its
threw
throw
not
how
of course,
oppositedirection from
the
breakingin
I had
all my
me
which,
"fadeaway"delivery,
He
to
aside
me
of
size of birch
though
as
shock
shoes.
my
kind
was
took
finally
and
gait looked
the
the look
me
gave
wore
often
McGraw
valuable
as
remember
Mrs.
to
spectators
as
his
son
Mathew-
stretch in the
again,she left
down
sitting
heard
park to put the meat on for dinner. I never
meat
done.
overwas
complaintfrom Matty that last night's
That is the true test of a dependablepitcher.
the ball
one
Matty
However,
he
didn't consider
That
was
Never
all
was
human
the
next
John
and
there
were
times
when
McGraw
needed
to
always willingto
superstitious,
playedno favorites
appeared,McGraw
when he criticizedplayers.
I recall distinctly
one
day when Matty suffered a bad
problem when
inning and
it
McGraw
better. Though
must
Matty
at
was
his
peak,the fierymanager
was
master
because it came
invective,
at
from
playingthe game. He
fair in salaries,
shortcomingsand normal expectations,
he deUghted in meeting unfairness with unfairness.
and
could
He
turn
the occasion
could
called for it and in many
ways. But George Stallings
and outcuss
him two
"hells" and "damns"
allow McGraw
to
one.
the "miracle-v^rinner"of
Stallings,
Braves,
justabout
was
Stallings'
tongue
his
time
pitcherwas
in
When
had
was
the
the stingof
1914 with
the Boston
in streamlined
oaths,
disputehim.
blacksnake whip when
park
batter,or
a
three-twoing
to
took
too
much
winding up.
the Braves
of 1914
came
to
of invective
through the encyclopedia
for nine innings.McGraw,
coachingat third base,would
oath by shoutingit at the pitcher
kill two
birds with one
would champ at
time. Stallings
and Stallings
at the same
two
the
managers
bit
to
get
ran
out
there
and
fire back
compound insults
fast friends.
Off the field they were
man.
how
What Matty forgot
was
to teach me
craziest
assortment
of
at
ever
to
McGraw
the
devised
keep runners
by
1
Story
Success
17
of my
in
major failings
bags,and
without
it finally
developedinto
to
years
three
runners
the
on
of three
case
come^
on
or
no
count.
hanging out
But
escutcheon
of
for the
with
the Giants
promise. When
exactlyblot
reason
wasting time
never
didn't
on
ball
little Alexander
had
playerwho
remained
my
tation
repu-
had
through
no
the
home
batting-practice
pitcher,word got
around and broughtme
contract.
pitching
my firstprofessional
The
Cleveland Club, of the United
States League,
an
independentcircuit,wired me to report earlyin 1912.
191 1
season
as
the way
On
and
see
Cleveland
to
cousin. I hasten
and
relative,
I decided
to
add
stop off
to
that this
Erie
genuine
was
at
who,
in baseball
lingo,
always hits a pitcherhard. Anyway, I was
stoppingoff,because I got lost in gettingon
sorry for
the wrong
train,returned
had
finally
take
to
team
not
and
missed
trolleyall
ride
all-day
the
meet
on
ride on a
all-night
I rushed
trolley,
up to the
train and
manager,
manager
Schacht's in town!
Clark
up and
"You
Griffith had
down
ain't
with
Browns,
Normally,I
me.
done
do I
a
year
here,son," he
pitchin'
for
When
am
pitch?"
he
before,
looked
me
Chicagotomorrow,
even
to
shouted:
"Al
As
Cleveland
to
way
and
after an
righttrain
schedule.
on
Reaching Cleveland
an
the
the
an' it is very
Michigan,who
a
muttered.
rugged
playin
windy
pays
gentlesoul, but
I got very
"We
and
this
was
yelled:
too
much
Through Baseball
Clowning
8
"'You
wire
night.You're
not
back without
You'll
trial.I'll pay
me
pitch
^ntlooked
at
or
alone. What
can
rushed down
it 1 make
sadly."Either,
you
to
be
now
over,
called
He
the
on
were
scene.
to
ignore me
until afternoon.
said,"Pitch battingpractice.Ill
and
over
them,
over."
look you
"Wait
me
was
cominued
O'Connor
But
gall
for your
certain that my
was
come
finally
contract
I lose?"
day
next
I'lltake
pitch.
can
you
Chicago.
to
way
his head
shook
and
me
own
my
and giveme
tomorrow
you'renuts,
The
me
minute!" 1
"How
exploded.
long
does
guy
to
Make
I
your mind!"
up
O'Connor
But
batting practice.
pitched
good,because
thoughtI
was
pitchedto
three batters.
he
hav.
must
stoppedme
after I ha(
....
"Maybe you
ugly head
in
the
iradc
in the
of pitchers
Chicago
course,
team
leadingby
the bases
something,'^
have
were
,"
b.
^ter
and with d,
a
firstfive innings,
nine
loaded.
runs,
they sent
for
me.
IDIOT'S
My
stop
next
of the
A
of
treasurer
to
me
pitch,and
and
and
he in
he
ganized baseball.I
saw
between
made
the
to
One
one.
me
contract"
didn't
who
led
word
the Bronx
another
to
firstin
my
and
sa^^^
presidentoi
or-:
the distance
quick computation of
and
Newark
never
shirt manufacturer
offered
finally
Newark
pitch,recomfi
me
theater who
praisedme
turn
club,a
when
pitcher
saw
never
of
waT
Horn.
Cape
theater who
J.,by
N.
Newark,
at
was
the manager
ball
the Newark
know
baseball
in
grapevineroute
mended
me
IIj
DELIGHT
signed.
in Newark.
There
at home
perfectly
about a half-dozen other crackpots
the club and,
were
on
stillin the apprenticestage, they
was
though my goofiness
I learned
at my
own
taughtme quickly,
expense, of course.
in a hurry that a ball player,
from the manager
down,
be up on his pranks and practical
must
jokesto hold his
He must
and a waterhave the hide of a rhinoceros,
own.
proof
I seemed
Somehow
of humor
sense
offer this
case
from
as
history
start
more
to
than
finish of the
season.
enough proof of
I
my.
point.
been
me
welcome
that I
am
sure, and
who
had
Club
Newark
hope,has never
beyond his imagination
himself
as
should
someone
committee
of
one
and
immediatelythat
managed
for
guide me.
the job.He
He
decided
He
selected
moved
right
Delight
Idiot's
with
me
and
21
guidedme
all right,
and, if he hadn't left
guidedrightinto
padded
ell.
and
"
jI
hit
was
the head
on
with
Smidi, produced
with
bucket of
water
that had
I saw
a "ghost"
suspendedover the door of the room.
lash through our
room
screaming,"He got me! He got
I saw
socks,shoes and practically
everythingelse
|ne!"
my
when
I awakhad taken oflF,
walking around die room
:ned to answer
a
phony telephonecall.After recovering
which a mysteriousblast of wind had alny nightshirt,
blown
off my goose-pimpled
nost
frame, I discovered that
and was
iJmithhad tied stringsto everything
manipulating
hem like marionettes througha slit in the door.
Smith suggesteda snipe
the trainingcamp
Down
at
all for it. He
and I was
lunt
produced the bags and
but I suslanternsvery suddenlyfor a casual suggestion,
l"ected
he led me
with sticks,
to a gravenothing.Armed
hold the bag between my
vard and there ordered me
to
egs and die lantern in front of the bag.After a few minor
stand motionless and quiet
he told me
to
adjustments,
"een
'
jvhile he
off
went
to
chase the
snipes
It me.
;nipehunt.
But
there I
was
but
;he snipes,
no
once
more
snipescame.
for
Smith, but
for
no
appeared.
(He had long since returned to the hotel.)
Suddenlyit dawned upon me that I was in the middle of
Smith
22
a
should have
and
graveyard
least
at
all,somebody might
then. After
and
come
me
being
awakened
have
must
like mad
for I
I dashed
fright,
could
out
see
on
into my
bed. His
red with
face
blood.
another
out
into the
To
wounded
had
said,"Don't
climbed
bounded
much
a
was
into
it
for
ball
the
the
from
I!
stretched
from
the
as
I
graveyard.
raced
and
room
to
open
...
scious,"
uncon-
shoulder
pattedmy
me,
Smith
room.
bed
my
stiff!"
stairway three
through the
me.
Hke
son.
worry,
the
playerin
edged up
out."
steps
picked up
window.
The
at
the
time
and
body
and:
strain
was
too(
I fainted.
revived,I learned
Later, as I
was
uniformed
dummy
through the
ordinaryketchup.The
in the
and
me
screech,bolted
Smith, who
heaved
out, but
my
followed
I shouted. "Looks
We
shaking with
lightswere
white
morning.
that Smith
window
uniform
was
exhaustion,
baseball uniform
was
and
away.
lobby.
"There's
and
The
room.
figurein
ominous
an
my
uniform
from
road
the
five miles
about
was
down
tore
ran
dead, and
the
hotel,which
for the
and
Fear
had
heaved
mine, I discovered
Delight
Idiot's
Smith
would
anything for
Smith
me
rocks
throw
at
addle-patedgenius
an
took
heartylaugh.He
of
it
course
that he hated
declared
made
of
day, but
hunting one
hunt.
He
something
was
do
rabbit
23
was
chase
the
rabbits all
them.
But
him
surprised
unusual
the
over
out
me
an
and
guns,
who
and
woods
by bowlingover
pair of beauties.
had
He
of
of the
direct the
to
one
hear
orders
behind
mad
his
coming
All
Russian.
at
the way
from
Once
when
doubld-header
me
wear
we
Harry
was
Smith
game,
wanted
beard. But
me
that
of the
in the
was
too
me.
Tou're
me.'
appeared,
dis-
astonished
were
playedwithout
was
Smith
game.
second
out
degree
there
who
man
heavily-bearded
kicked
he
and
an
later
through the
was
was
double-header,and
minutes
we
there
team
dugout. There
our
make
of
few
marveled
to
pranks.Once
first game
but
gag
about
artistry
out
no
to
sat
disguisedas
the
umpire
manager.
first game
of
second,he
tried
much,
even
for
24
he
"He
persisted.
won't
even
nize
recog-
you!"
But
refused,and he
insulted
was
at
contempt
my
for
he
that burned
the way
a
to
me
the clubhouse.
to
fine. I
fifty-dollar
"You
"Smith
manager
next
demanded
an
"Every time
said the
The
all
broom
broom,
I fined you
dollar,"
umpire.
couldn't
'em!" I shouted.
count
kept track
reportedthe
my
number
own
just
nighthe
reduced
Screwball
for the
the blame
was
wrote
to
ten
not.
or
letter to the
ing
takleaguepresident,
and
whisk-broom-kicking
the fine
bucks.
Smith
was
master
at
psychologist
important to
minor-leaguerbecause
the young
player
Delight
Idiot's
25
always trying to
tryingto keep from
is
for
less time
worrying,and
pretty
I started
get
Smith's
slippingdown.
problems.Then
own
my
ladder,while the
the
up
go
began
think
to
gave
gags
us
forget
to
to
stunts
up
soon
is
veteran
anything he
top
had
ever
done.
We
It
was
the ball
walking to
were
right outside
and
usual
earlier than
day.Smith
park one
the
and I.
players'
entrance
today.?"
"Sure, you're workin'
all I wanted
That's
animal,and
a
to
the second
to
if there
see
I turned
know.
any
was
game."
natural
though
piece of horseflesh,
beautiful
he had
triflespavinedand
to
admire
He
affinity.
the
was
legs were
underslungbellythat
an
the
looked
animal.
friendly
a
Triomphe sittingdown. But he was
At any rate,
Either that or he was
asleep.
he would
the purpose.
like the
Arc
serve
"Alexander
to
de
has
"With
Smith.
more
one
world
this beauteous
to
muttered.
"I'm
"That's
"Can
a-heem
conversation.
then turned
to
the
horse?"
he walk.?"
the
fans."
nuts!" Smith
Italian to make
confided
"You're
in
conquer,"I
nod.
26
pull these-a
kinda old,but
proudly."Heem
year."
do you make
"How
much
selling
vegetables?"
"Good-a
days,two dolla,"he sighed."Somatimes
seventeena
wagon
al-i
.
most."
I make
"That's more'n
Smith.
glanceat
borrow
to
dollars. I'll be
three
you
I'llgive you
After
that it
him
what
explaining
cost
to
money
good
and
friend
mustachioed
in
batch
the horse
stillearlyand
park.It was
what's
game."
by baseball
bleacher
of his
more
game,
and
vegetables
own
were
we
and
him,
to
watch
led him
tive
sugges-
of the
meant
was
rest
unhitch
under
for the
we'll go
"But
horse
your
I said,with
pitching,"
and
seat
ball
placedmy
the bleachers.
There
work
much
was
be done, and
to
I hired
so
myself
house
gangling colored youngster as a valet. I sent the clubboy out to bring back a kiddy dress with colored
the bleachers,
ribbons. I hid everythingunder
including
a
boy,and joinedthe
the colored
At
pitchingwarm-up
ready to
was
was
flounces
before the
start, I hurried
bleachers. There
it
I put the
I took
were
attractive
around
my
grand
canyon
"
to
atop my
to
my
grandstand.When
away
and
kiddy dress
around
tightfit,especially
brightribbon
the
in time
team
where
was
sneaked
over
my
take practice.
customary,
the game
uniform
the bodice,but
I?
Oh,
the
under
"
the
yes, I tied
curlyhead
and
was
set.
the colored
I climbed
lackey,
into
aged steed.
the stage
Baseball
clowning Through
28
but
hip pocket,
hair
my
was
sensation.
I struck
arms
my
horizon.
Across
and
to
on
the infield
nimblyto
the
him
with
marched,
the
to
or
box.
pitcher's
faithful
ground,tippedmy
fierycharge and
There
flimsygarment
shreds
on
every
to
any
and
time
more
its
he
pitches,
of the
and
ball. And
kiddy
in my
daintyflounces
Smith
to
couldn't hold
laughingthat
was
chalantly
non-
heaves,ripping the
warm-up
tightbodice
I threw
and
arm
jumped
lackey,dismissed
of the
wave
hard.
Which
I didn't. I
not
can
day.As
rejointhe
was
"You
haven't
"Clown
even
out
in the
yelled:
the bleachers!"
under
fellow with
got horse
box
of the
Smith
leaving,
horse. He's
a
passedthe bleachers,
bellowed:
The
knocked
was
fog-hornvoice
Your
sense.
came
at
nag
up!"
read:
carried
to
the
to
make
people
MORNIN',
GOOD
Every
man
straight
umpires began.That
have
must
clown
troubles with
my
started
Buffalo paper
I selected
I wish
as
to
on
and
off
stooges the
my
go
me
IV
JUDGE!
on
career
that's where
unfortunately
unsuspectingumpires.
and
credit
the national
pastime.
But youthwill have its fling(I can't recall offhand how
I was
^ung out of) and often the poor arbiter
games
many
the victim of my
remarkable brand of humor, which
was
are
to
fact,when
caughton to my motives,they
theyfinally
of things.
in fining
joinedthe spirit
They took great delight
took
or
me
chasingme out of ball games. One ump even
decided interest in me
and my
used to
He
a
well-being.
thumb
at the slightest
give me the proverbial
provocation,
with the following
explanation:
In
29
Baseball
Clowning Through
30
"I know
you'rea bug
while
out
you
I
hot water,
on
the
in
in the showers
water
fortunate
the
lessened
However,
ones.
this
as
considerably
I don't
shower.
want
cold water."
takingrisks by showeringin
must
explainhere that in the
littlehot
kickingyou
I'm
so
old
days,there
and
my
likingfor
was
very
in
hot
were
water
umpire'sconsideration
for my
health grew.
The
majority of
my
little whisk
broom.
umpire who
fined
me
in for
and
me
think
is
offensive and
in
has
leave
jibesto
annoy
to
the
had
he had
heart,but
at
his broom
it
clubhouse,
thingsbe. I would
him, nothing really
spiritof good
bell which
controlley
clean fun.
is used
for
When
things.
time
calling
worked
Mullens
yank
yell
deep falsetto:
'er go,
transfers today."
John. No
On
the middle
"How's
restrained
Mullens
in front of
"If I
those
ever
my
have
this
himself
a
dugout and
catch
the guy
I'llfine
things,
was
would
our
turn
to
it,there
time,
my
scream
out:
kid, John?"
afternoon,in
One
By
fellow
I would
therefore,
plate,
the
"Let
It
of
kick, was
to
other similar
practiceand
behind
bad
one
all in the
Every dugout
in
never
all kinds
up
to
since I booted
ever
Schacht
not
was
dollar
that
happened
It
that innocent
him
who
is
as
rings that
bell and
says
and
fate
the limit."
pitchnot
was
long
humanly possible.
of anger, he stepped
moment
shouted :
at me,
lookingdirectly
as
John
clowning
long afterward
Mullens
antics
behind
were
as
the
well
plate.
known
Mornin', Judge!
Good
31
his
was
jockey,was
persistent
most
not
an
audience.
appreciative
He
I did
his off
At
the mound
on
stage, I held
one
and
infield,
laugh,but
didn't
using,Mullens
was
old
the craziest
eat
on
has
ump
things.
knees
my
Anything for a
in the
enjoy it. Finally,
grass.
batter
tossed
an
got down
to
seem
to
me
pretendedto
Mullens
Even
wrong.
the game,
up
inning,when
seventh
was
days,I
in the
fact,particularly
picky this afternoon. Everything
in
was,
me
one.
through the
go
motions
of
and proceededto
playfully,
heated
dice game
with
the
balls.
Mullens
blew
up
completely.
$5 a roll."
Had
I thoughtback a moment
penalty,I would not have
"will
spur
so
was,
cost
than
ripe tomato,
you
of the moment,
however,
began rollingover
rolling
merrily,and
and
done
what
it seemed
over
there
on
was
ing
kick-
the whisk-broom
to
I did. On
good
sport
to
the
the
me,
ground. There
Mullens,standingover
I got
probablyimagining he was countingfares. When
smirk of pleasure
his face as he yelled:
a
on
up, there was
"That's another I50 you owe
the league."
me,
know
is fun
but
who's
been
ringing that
bell every
day. Well,
that
Baseball
Clowning Through
32
littleAlexander.
was
was
So
too.
me
want
transfers
John,no
kid,'that
You
who's been
know
to
today,and
the middle
how's
tell you
$50 to
yelling
that."
couldn't
He
I got color-blind.
changedcolors so quickly,
and when
he finally
talk for a few moments,
face
Mullens'
unleashed,it
in
was
baritone:
house.
the clubto
out," he cried,pointingemphatically
"Get
that you
"I'll see
I should
I suppose
rate
I would
was
over,
be
get
have
week
let it go
and
my
fines
owing
the
League
fault anyway
own
hoarse
mounting
were
fine,"said
fishing
tripI've
been
such
season
partingshot:
"Now
spitefully.
But
planning.
at
before the
money
"That's
all my
that,as it was
at
take that
can
I'llbe back
"
with bells
on."
It all
you
seems
sillyto
so
can't undo
these
as
me
I look
thingsdone
back
this,but
on
thoughtlessly
during a
ball game.
BillyEvans,
who
was
chargeof
got
broke in with
the
Sox
farm
understand
to
Washington
so) from
Evans
spelland
My
career.
Red
the Boston
of the
one
was
behind
Evans
American
League's
was
recently
more
system,
was
one
in
of the
during my
me
came
Senators
in
playing
shortlyafter I
ceedin
1919, fresh (ex-
JerseyCity.
the
platewhen
I made
my
debut
as
who
was
justcoming
were
at
bat. I tossed
over
Mornin', Judge!
Good
that seemed
screwball
33
to
the
cut
of the
center
plate
"
^in
opinion,anyway.
my
"Ball,"declared Evans.
I walked
of the
one
"Pardon
Evans,
to
up
in the
toughestumpires
I'm
"but will
quietly,
littlehard
stepping up
to
League.
Evans," I asked
Mr.
me,
busher
young
of
you
hearing."
"Ball,"repeatedEvans.
I, walking back
"Huh," sneered
I put another
ball in the
My
ire
Again,
was
by
up
I strode up
now.
couldn't have
missed
questionSisler
to
Without
turned
Evans
"When
up
hands
I would
knew
to
inning was
locked
behind
showing
plate,
how
it
asked
I even
plate.
was
the bench
his
change of expression
those present,
among
said
catcher,and
tellGriff
fresh busher
Billytook
over,
calmlyback
Evans
Finally,
shouted:
did
"Gharrity,
you
don't you
to
start
ing
warm-
is going out."
legsspreadwide
back, and
burning up.
the
to
watched
to
apart and
see
where
He
dugout.
give Griff
send him
Griff,meanwhile,
was
heroic stance,
the
go.
I walked
"Why
without
me,
even
lous
ridicu-
subject.
This
pitcher.
assumed
of the arm,
go back
another
the
Gharrity,my
to
you
When
the way
sweep
to
indicate that he
to
the
on
word
Evans
on
dramatic
spot.
same
Evans.
gestures, described
with
finally,
the mound.
to
then
was
my
message?"
I yelledback.
telegram,"
of the
only manager
always one
to
stick up
Senators,
for his
34
that,he raced
With
whom
when."
and
up
warm
trouble
out
everythinghe could
promptlyforgotall about
plateand promptlycalled
the
to
of,and
think
Evans
but
me,
then
Evans
some.
proceededto
kick
Grifl
of the game.
out
to
see
day, after mulling thingsover, I went
he forgave my
then
From
on
and apologized.
Evans
In fact,he
mound.
eccentric action on the pitching
slightly
The
next
began
to
My
arm
forced
kid
go
to
bonesetter
was
seeminglyback
was
once
again behind
and
strolled up
Evans
in
the arm?
"How's
"Look
for
on.
me
bad toward
went
to
lead
and
me
the end
chances
on
asked:
How's
I bragged,zipping over
yourself,"
good today.With
gettinghit by one
As
knocked
was
I walked
called
to
out
your
of
was
to
of the box
back
dejectedly
up
my
smoker.
chest protector
protector tube
deliberately.
toward
the clubhouse,Evans
me:
he was,
36
One
got
man
went
the
he struck
and
on
out
home
run
"
disappearedand
held up
Shortlyafterward,O'Brien
lead.
our
batter hit
next
hand, crying:
his
"Game
I
with
nest
no
I did
so,
Pickingup
let off
littlepent-up
to
strode
O'Brien
stop."
of hornets.
anythingrash,I heaved
before I did
As
than
madder
was
ball
steam
towards
opened his
me,
to
hit him.
him, and
details. He
he
had
were
you
about
of it,
out
came
laughingon
forgottencompletelyabout
when
collapsedagain from
almost
he
stunned
blow
The
learningthe
me.
him:
say before that
to
raindrophiti
you. Bill?"
"I
about
was
to
fine you
he said,
dollars,"
twenty-five
now.
the
can
it'stoo
"But
late
of the'
scene
crime."
Not
all my
one,
stillmakes
ing,then also
We
team
were
me
which
better than
long as
swell up
member
we
those
with
at
at
and
days took
umpires and
with
actually
co-operated
pride.I
home
well up
with
was
of the International
average
remained
directed
were
playingBaltimore
in
sylvanians
as
tactics
in
incident,
particular
one
zany
Read-'
League.
their baseball
race.
Penn-
and
seriously
us
regularly.
Mornin', Judge!
Good
off
37
did. Of
anythingwe
at
course,
their favorite.
was
had
job but
Orioles and
pitchingagainst the
was
the
doing
not
too
platekept calling
lustily
againstus. The crowd booed more
s each
by. In the sixth,the ump called a
inning went
safe at the plateon an exceptionally
close
Baltimore man
peacefulup to
play,tyingthe score. The fans,reasonably
close
ones
then,let loose
"
mostlybottles
"
hurt.
was
fix
"We'll
wait
tillthis game
know
I don't
only the
fans
hundred
and
he
whether
be
in but the
mixing
of
the
to
with
was
umpire
"It looks
"If you
ever
did
and
these
playersas well,and
my
fare
not
get
to
well in
too
free-
the clubhouse,the
in those
thoughtsin
in between
with
not
pire
um-
would
Someone
days,policeprotection
ball game.
tough,don't
work
lyou'll
I
at
to
I had
was.
that,with
rightfield bleachers.
the
pass
unheard
It
did
thirtypounds
grab him,
to
sure
was
to
arbiter. "Just
but I
scared
was
much
for-all.Moreover, in order
had
poor
is over."
begin on
riots
seen
the
that I walked
it? That
I
crowd
is pretty mad.
change their
can
umpire
any
good. But
go
If
attitude."
up
I think
me,
mind
ahead. What
can
you
I
lose?"
I
When
.wound
I walked
up
for
jrarity
out
to
the
and
deliberately
mound
put
me.
Ball,"bellowed
the masked
man.
over
the
a
next
inning, I
perfectstrike,a
The
second
the
Before
walking
and
drank
he
it
Majestically,
yelled
"Strike,"
returned
marched
with
time,
bottle
o"
and
umpire,
Without
bottle.
the
with
the
to
up
called
down.
back
to
to
take
seeming
box.
the
Winding
careful
aim,
in
up
threw
the
grandstand.
the
over
ball,
the
dropped
him
strutted
after
motion
ball
dugout
I
presented
low,
bowing
slow
the
to
Ceremoniously
near-beer.
word,
pitch,
over
threatened.
whisded,
booed,
crowd
Baseball
Througli
Clowning
38
the
"boy
and
blue,"
in
the
tension
was
broken.
The
crowd,
laughed
and
other
pitch
Geisel,
capable
his
life.
who
catching
cheered.
against
today
arbiters,
finally
on
The
us
is
tells
from
one
the
could
ump
then
of
on,
the
story
to
and
this
to
how
of
called
have
this
day,
League's
American
of
bit
Al
Schacht
by-play,
every
Harry
most
saved
DR.
CALLING
From
mental
prospective
medical
John
KILDARE!
1916,but
in
case
and
McGraw
I spent the
all fairness
was
true, but
to
arm.
On
baseball and
never
to
brief
when
the
promising
with
contract
Giants.
but in the
Spring
and
myselfI
wish
series of ailments
My
York
turned Into
I contracted
versatile,
was
it led
the New
season
of '16 I hurt my
case, I
me
was
and
Ferdie
to
as
add
I clowned
me.
on
well. In
that
ing
pitch-
occasion,
down.
chipswere
made
ulcers
that I
useless
to
Newark,
so
pretty fair
pitcherup
that he ought to own
McGraw
to that time, I convinced
and all. I reportedto the
malaria,ulcers,sore arm
me,
Giants the day before they started their stringof twentysix straight
a
victories,
stringthat began on September7th
and lasted throughSeptember30th and is stillthe greatest
winning streak in major leaguehistory.
made good not onlyrubbing
Here I was
a local boy who
and such ball playersas
elbows with the great McGraw
Buck
Herzog, Art Fletcher,George Burns, JeflTessreau,
a
over
the management
of the Cincinnati
uniform
that
same
and
year
Reds.
was
39
40
tribution
I
the Giants
to
however,
moral
was
not
liftmy
even
that year,
The
arm.
port.
sup-
couldn't
whaled
hitter,
All I could
pitch then
be
could
at
was
Mac
bihties,
but
the
sent
told
was
to
me
to
medical
of
stamp
unusuallylucky,I
the way
down
result of
Matty'shad
to
off
nursed
routine
not
small
the
have
that
I don't
two
workouts
we
trot
to
instead
the
fiddle,
proverbial
mean
a
with
ing
feel-
sociable
"crap"game
onlylosingmy
but
shirt,
dice,unable
raise my
to
bad
me
didn't agree
and
"
possi-
some
and
In high spirits
approval.
got into
camp,
shaking the
McGraw
prove
get into
fit as
as
was
to
followingmorning. I reportedwith
the
season
trainingcamp
osteopathall Winter,
an
head
my
to
report
the
psychiatrist.
nearest
worked
really
with
that
Marlin
to
the lot.
even
only finished
not
of
pretty
over
slow ball,and
of that,I
strength
the Giants
with
ball all
slow
my
and
disputed.
the
On
of his time
me.
Mac
horses. It
was
day morning
"
and
from
as
arm
arm.
bug
ting
trot-
on
was
on
afternoon
the
"
we
^and
hotel,miles
Kildare!
Calling Dr.
After
away.
had
rebelled.
to
of
out
stuffing
and
me
bawled
and
"
and
thirty,I
sneakinghitch-hikes
of
however, caught
day
one
hundred
I discovered
weight.When
veloped
ghost-like
proportions,I de-
to
habit
pleasant
forth. McGraw,
"One
down
to
the hotel.
to
lose much
to
myself shimmering
wagon
back
trot
Weighing only
couldn't afford
the
had
reachingthe park, we
we
practice,
41
what
how
and
of
left of the
was
could
Mac
the back
on
me
back
living
bawl.
to him
day of this,"I complainedbitterly
off the street
be picking me
in
they'll
more
defense,"and
in
a
shovel."
Mac
he had
the
of humor.
sense
where
park
but
it
had
to
taskmaster
stern
was
We
trained,and
we
fortunate
was
for
me
at
afternoon, while
one
with
into
over
cold
The
water.
when
and
compartment
my
salt
warm
the cold
hit
water
was
me.
hit
the
with
me
leaned
field
"
bucket
of
well-soaked into my
system
screeched,lay down
on
floor and
Ten
Maker.
preparedto meet
my
minutes later,
seekingvengeance,
the
in which
compartment
and
away,
ice. Schacht
There
was
not
was
Fletcher's. It
screaming his
did
bucket
them
one
Shiveringall
"Who
in
alwayswent
Mac
head
off.
that?"
he
I stood there
to
belongedto
over,
went
thought Fletcher
heaved
was
of ice-cold
to
over
the
salting
happily
water
"
^with
better.
my
the voice
amazement
McGraw.
charged
of
out
the
shower,
roared.
dumbfounded,
empty
pail
"
the circumstan-
42
tial evidence
in hand.
"
on
As
o"
matter
fact,I
had
one
foot
already.
sure
follow.
throw
"If you
can
can
throw
you
Mac
baseball,"
bucket
of water,
nothing wrong
"If I got
pitchto
the
Fletcher
To
one
this
was
too
job
job on
you've got
with
arm."
your
this
THAt
strain
"like
instead,
OlO
VIHO
The
boomed
.'.
in relief.
collapsed
club,"I muttered
weakly,"I'd
great. I
on
this
rightguy."
I mustered
my
strengthto give
dirtylook.
day, Fletch,who
has
the
since gone
on
to
become
bucket-beaning.
I should have kept my foot on the train. The onlything
that preventedme
from gettingthe job with the Giants,
stillsuffering
from dicitis.
was
arm,
my
York
Yankees, ribs
me
44
pitcherSchacht?"
quietedhim down a bit
Doolan
ladyin
some
Rochester
claimed
I had
sheriff
the ninth
In
to
While
toward
the ball
of my
homered
was
emerged
in
me
for
out
innings I
ever,
twelfth,howin the first
me
the fence.
pitchesover
irate Doolan
bellowed
and
sent
two
the
off
an
traveling,
arm,
taken
for
into
sucker
again
been
had
Going
had
who
stiU
was
later,as
hiding.
tied and
own.
grabbed my
me,
ably
prob-
most
what
admittingindirectly
I'd been
was
my
plantedanother
game
his
score
guy
back
nightcap,Doolan
of the
the
that
arrest;
(She was
come
also
game,
from
questioning
fan.)
staffwe
pitching
poor
after
for my
out
locked away.
me
needed
to
seat
told the
Mickey
a
box
and
warrant
was
wanted
and
a
he shouted.
is that
"Where
at
rushed
the top
of
lungs:
that sheriflf.?
You
"Where's
I don't
can
have him
and
keep him.
him."
want
My adventures in Rochester
over-ripevegetablesthat were
I believe
pitched.
for baseball
bore
thrown
instrumental
was
some
in
my
when
way
savingPep Young
he
had
resulted
return
was
warming
and
to
the
going
a
his
being benched.
home
bench
in
to
for
One
night,on
told
packing.He
Sherman, Texas,
anybody.I argued
that he
with
him
me
wasn't
and
Kildarel
Calling Dr.
him
talked
finally
in bad
ball and
o" it by
out
by quitting.
next
day,two of
The
shoulder
on
him
telling
our
suffered
one
was
45
fielder
oututility
injury.Our
ankle,so
bad
replacement.
experienced
"Who
can
play the outfield?" yelledDoolan.
"Young," I shouted,knowing well that Pep
playedanywhere but third.
without
to
went
switched
right.Pep Young
to
he
followingyear
greatest
rightfielder the
all,cried
of them
littleAl,
mighty
horse
in the game.
of the
There
be
may
The
is 1924
year
of the Eastern
Griffith. Here
veteran
as
and
League,
I
passing.
to
back
was
York
only 29,
was
first basemen
scouts
before
I did
up
result of countless
my
been
sent
I did all
with
in
to
them
toss
rightfor
the aid of my
up
alreadya
Clark
broken-down
still listed
I was
injuries.
my
one
time
day,
againstHartford.
while. Control
manager,
club
by
sent
was
but
Haven
of
however, althoughI spent most
pitcher,
clowning on the third-base coaching Hnes, and
as
who
stake.
the New
I had
but
who
Yankees
few Yankee
with
where
Gehrig,
discovered Lou
the
agers
cussingestman-
of his
news
the New
of
as
and
had.
ever
one
the
at
was
rightfield. The
one
he
regularrightfielder
who
incidentally,
iron
proved himself
left
never
Giants
have
never
untimelydeath
the
had
afternoon
next
the Giants'
was
until his
was
were
any
Young
It
we
was
all I had
Clyde Milan, I
was
leftand
able
to
clowning Through
46
get
the
by pitchingto
batters' weaknesses.
and
firstattempt againstHartford
Httle
being new
Baseball
This
in the
was
my
League,
earlyinning, however, up
kid,swinging a bat as nonchalantly
comes
a big,raw-boned
all awed by the fact that he was
as
you pleaseand not at
facinga former major leaguehurler.
I needed
help. In
an
C Kid MAMtt"
OEKRIG"?
TW' 6AUL/
As
this kid
McBride,
"What
our
shall I throw
to
asked:
this
home
and
run
anyone
I have
ever
who
The
disputes
my
seen.
ball
claims
sad narrative
must
ing
stillbe travel-
Lou
discovering
should be jailed
for
to
THE
UNKNOWN
SOLDIER
NiNETEEN-EiGHTEEN
the World
and
The
and
"
regular
pennant
baseball'sgreat
of
3.
"
marching
the call
races
and
Braves
That
Red
Boston
Sox
to
winning
scoreless
was
hit
and
the
And
games
innings.Not
But
I don't wish
at
the World-
pitcher
by the
helped pitchthe
World's
pionship,
cham-
tive
hurlingsixteen consecusinglehome run, incidentally,
between
the Red
Private Alexander
the
won
Corporal,
that's a long story
without
War
Sox
Schacht,
a
firing
"
to
appear
American
great catcher
with
and
later promoted to
singleshot.
file
and
was
and
rank
left-handed
that
of
leaguerto
of
long parade,some
(Babe) Ruth
Herman
George
many
back.
come
was
of
name
not
too.
baseball,
short and
coach
ica
Amer-
"
did
hit
joinedthe
Gowdy, a
now
o"
history
arms
cut
were
Hank
Lanky
to
of the time
names
men.
VI
boastful and
I do
uniform, the
claimingcredit
that before
know
Allies
start
were
on
the
I donned
an
losingside.
would
away.
47
48
Of
few
course,
was
fortune that
my
somethingto do
'
the day I reported
on
for my
examination
at Fort Slocum, New
Rochelle,
physical
N. Y., there was
uled
scheda
championshipbaseball game
Fort Slocum
station and
to
was
a
on.
clearing
go
though I was slated for Fort Hancock, Ga., they did not
all the way down
dare risk shipping
a frailbody like mine
South before checkingup on my health.
I am
probablythe only guy ever drafted who reported
,
for examination
with
tell my
that I
was
going
her I
was
joiningthe
mother
merely told
Nice
work, if you
so
On
the way
the Second
nized
imagined.He
that afternoon
and
and
Flattered,
in the army,
"
medical
Company
be
'T would
corps
me
your
test
team.
to
But
me
pitchfor
visioninga
graciously
replied:
friend,to
a pleasure,
my
medical
I'm
his
life of
lend my
not
soldier
out
team.
ease
meager
soldier yet. I
pass."
widespreadthan
more
would
time
same
passed
immediatelytold
the
at
to
army
fight,
play ball.
to
for examination, I
quarters. One
asked
pitchingtalents to
stillhave
get it.
can
to
bag in
was
My fame, apparently,
me.
even
baseball
of
you," the
said.
ushered me
into the medical oflBce.That
immediately
The
At i o'clock sharp I was
at 12:30 sharp.
was
rejected.
said:
doc, testingmy hearing,
"Repeat after me
Sixty-nine."
I repeated.
"Fifty-five,"
He
"
"You're
"Next
mental
case."
brought me
"Don't
tellme
with the
word
soldier
went
immediatelyto
waved
me
It reminded
which
the
At
one
game,
1:45
yet.
sergeant."
of
me
have
was
sharp I
office where
only a
sad
he
few
pany
Com-
details,went
thing
whisperedsome-
before had
minutes
of the army.
would
but
who
the Second
to
straight
learningthe
on
the medical
doctor
out
headed
who
commander,
the
you
to
to
littledeaf?" he said.
were
leave well
should
They
you
worry,
The
in
didn't you
"Why
49
amazed
Somewhat
had
Soldier
Unknown
The
was
umpire's
an
the
honor
conference
of
heaving me
for
to
my
second
decide
of
out
own
portance
im-
tion.
examina-
50
and
suddenly he
shouted
the top
at
of his
lungs:
"Sixty-nine."
If I had
as
had
before,but
Grinning
sense,
any
I didn't
like
want
I would
have
said
them
think
to
chest thrown
jackass,
my
"Fifty-five"
that deaf.
was
proudly,I
out
peated:
re-
"Sixty-nine."
elation followed. I had
Wild
passeda
difficulttest.
most
The
me
At
army.
2:30
pitchingfor
We
If
or
to
won,
had
we
the Second
lost,I'd probablyhave
There
was
however.
The
for Fort
Hancock
season
army
with
and
to
learned
his dreams
again. The
motion
an
set
order
marked
great student
that the
Second
were
morale
of human
of the
Company,
sent
nature,
entire Fort,
would
elsewhere.
be
of the first
nine
I
of
the
innings
ticketed
was
an
unbeaten
highlyefficient
War
credit
under
army
Department
"URGENT"
again,
of triumph,
pany.
Com-
out
virtue
moment
my
machinery in
Washington, in
in
by
commander
company
blowing up
hero
of sadness
touch
was
pitchedsince hurhng
John McGraw.
battingpracticefor
of
kicked
been
here I
I had
complete game
Sixth
was
I.
court-martialed
even
againstthe
Company
the
im-
was
Schacht
a
to
born
wasi
leader,
,
the Fort
that
especially
completelyshattered
and I
of the;
if he
52
hear any
buglecall.Anyway,
awfullytired. I pitched
was
innings,you know."
nine
I winked
back.
didn't wink
He
oflF a
blow
"We'll
him.
at
slyly
few
army
cannon
tomorrow,"
from
your
company."
I
reported.
They told
look
to
me
at
ment.
assign-
I looked.
"Private
Al
duty."
I said
"The
Commander
was
myself.
onlyputting
likes me.
Kitchen
act. He
on
an
really
duty ^that'sfor
A placewith plentyof food."
me.
GleefullyI scampered off to the kitchen,where there
"Aha,"
to
"
was
I like potatoes
plentyof food ^but not for me. Now
recommend
them to everybody,
but peeling
heartily
"
and
them
mused
as
grudginglyskinned
immediatelyfor
a
story. That's
is another
serious mistake
"Sarge,"I
pal,the
my
in
no
he
treat
hero, I
the
lowly spud, so I
certain
sergeant, feeling
assignmentshad been
said when
reportedto
be working
pitcherHke me
of my
I might hurt one
potatoes?
"tar
would
Second
Company?
to
way
happen
in
that
made.
me,
the
sent
"why
kitchen
must
peeling
pitchingfingerson
to
this
rectify
sad situation
immediately."
"Sonny boy,"repliedthe Sarge,my pal,"you'relucky
they haven't put you on peelingonions and you will be if
Soldier
Unknown
The
don't
you
keep your
of kitchen
out
53
duty is
only way
become
to
get
can
you
non-commissioned
officer."
"How
can
thousand
couple of
while
"That's
I'd like
what
assure
plained,
com-
I like
you
fate,decidingagainstwritingmy
happened. About
thoughthe
was
Sixth Company,
a
month
later,my
commander
who
was
also
thought he
if
even
theyhad
it,I have
on
never
ball-
hundred
pitchthe
to
be carried ofF
to
of the
quite a
side bet of
had
who
commander,
challengedthe
pitcher,
They put up a
that each
stipulation
the
game
gressman,
Con-
be rewarded.
game.
dollars with
Now
war," I
myself."
acceptedmy
heaver, to
the
to
certain that my
It
from
away
i" he's
here
here."
like it here
I
miles
around
adding hastily,
"althoughI
much
it very
promoted
get
guy
plete
com-
the finish.
at
met
braver
two
men.
of this game,
the time
At
I stationed
the
team.
my
had
versatility
As
have
I would
Before the
armor.
it
was
myselfat
I known
"
for me,
start
undisputedcaptainof
was
second
what
been
I called
classic,
since
the
overweight,tipping the
slightly
two
hundred
to
bunt every
them
and
sixtypounds, I
pitchfor
at
straight
the
beam
my
sprightly
stalwarts
"
was
suit of
commander
at
instructed
store
conference.
opposing
All
pitcher.
prove
was
and
base,readyto
of the
day, and
hot
to
bunt
war.
From
the
start
it
was
battle. We
tightpitchers'
went
54
fourth
the
into
to
safety,
giving
touchdowns
and
inning leadingtwo
touchdowns, with the opposing commander
two
finest imitation
the
trying to throw
baseball.
"
times
many
better,I
i6. Those
receiving
were
of army
principles
I didn't have
poor
looked
and
almost
guy
do
"How
have
was
ing
train-
so
many
elevator. Had
an
you
put
stayeddown.
stillhad
margin, i8
two-run
commander
(The
teams
wasn't
saw
the
mander
com-
my
and
gills
were
This
pitch.
my
thought I
sixth,we
runs
was
arms
would
into the
Going
to
drunk
"
so
known
both
on
of
seen
commander
own
the basic
on
ever
assists at
down
My
bullets. While
duck
to
I have
arm
my
around
when
collapsed
his
I touched
his
every
up
to
shoulder.
him.)
I asked by
feel,Cappy, ole boy.f*"
way
of
encouragement.
"All
in," he gasped,"but
it kills me.
I
head
Just continue
kept up
giving me
chatter
rapid-fire
that fine
from
then
if
support.'*
on,
yellingmy
off.
shout
as
that
bad
flopped
face to dodge a hit liner over
second. "Cappy, you
on
my
look like a million. Matty had nothingon you. Whip 'er in
there,Cappy boy.They can't touch you."
A burning grounder whizzed
then,and I added
past me
to myself:
"Come
"Whew,
France."
on,
that
was
close. It can't be
over
in
Soldier
Unknown
The
By
miracle,we
some
the comfortable
by
55
into the ninth
went
margin o"
25
to
24. The
still leading
"
lack of scoring
tired from
explainedby the fact that the playerswere
in
practically
running around the bases. With the game
Before you could say
the bag, trouble loomed, however.
is
the bases
Schacht,the oppositionhad
AI
natural for
out.
loaded,with
me
good
so
none
for my
commander.
The
batter
next
was
an
him.
With
mind
my
on
This
through this
hastened
and
game
that it
as
and
game
from
even
arm
commander)
into anything
I halted the
won,
the side of my
to
hear his
I could talk
"
company
battered
he lifted it with
indications
momentarily.
might fall off altogether
emphasis,"you'rethe gamest
this game
you'llprove to me
them
I've
seen
best
days.Now
As
all
go
guy
ahead
and show
Give
team.
fast
a
strictly
to
put
even
gettingkilled by
threw
Johnson
Twombley
the catcher.
in their
I'llnever
and
win
and
pitcher,
great
this guy
matter
figuredthe
He
me
If you
saw.
and
back in
pitch
slow, low
ball hitter."
of them
of
ever
you'rea
ball. Some
had
includingMatty
for this
game
He's
curve.
pitcher.
from slapping
his
"Gappy,"I declared,refraining
another
only
against
was
escapingkitchen duty
Gappy (remember,he's my
if he lived
of averages
be
to
had
Twombley
Braves.
the law
gotten nine
used
slow ball
a
to
pitchthe
was
slow
shame,
and
less chance
I
we
line drive.
slow
curve
and
Twombley
fouled
56
I jumped
Immediately,
"Cappy, that
Only
Fate, o"
course,
batter hit
go
old
now,
the
this guy
had
terrificline drive
justin
time
to
save
into the
What
out
box, shouting:
control
"
stuff.
what
I'm
boy.As a pitcher
same
thing."
nothingto
and
it
to
class.Give
in your
marvelous.
was
more
one
back
it,but the
do with
not
next
man
straightat the third baseo" its way,
the guy
caught
Cappy's life.
'-oS^
Ah,
the
he
I called
victory joyfully
sweet
"
my
team
surround
to
conqueringhero
befits a
"From
The
board:
the second
seemed
next
gotten back
laid him
out
now
club. I'm
He
was
"
on
to
his
this ball
baseman."
happy.
unconsciously
day there
was
notice
on
the company
bulletin
Soldier
Unknown
The
57
Class
First
"Private
immediately,"
If
again,
army.
weeks.
could
have
there's
The
no
poor
Schacht
signed
gotten
telling
promoted
hov^
out
far
fellov^^, however,
Corporal,
tive
effec-
X.
Captain
him
to
to
the
could
couldn't
pitcher's
have
lift
mound
in
gone
his
arm
this
for
VH
SCREWLOOSE
THE
ON
One
would
cure
me
DIAMOND
that
think
of
bad
case
year of war,
of
and
would
goofiness,
and
it
the
was
same
would
fighting,
put
me
more
I returned
on
zation
civili-
to
the
old
JerseyCity Skeeters in
Schacht,but more
daring and
on
my
1919,
with
finesse.
more
Looking
to
occurs
Anyway,
why
back
that I was,
me
certain
International
advance
can
thingswere
perhaps,a
League
bit of
reasonable
no
done.
They
career,
mental
it
case.
explanationas
to
were
littlepitching
on
stillcall
who
but I
me
did a
League,and incidentally,
my
seven,
record
out"
pitcherof
that
"
"
estabHshed
in
1919
as
by
but
around
all time,"
hitter I may
got
never
League is 10,
JerseyCity.
lot of guys
worst
I'lladmit
deny everything.
are
hit
longer
theycan't
record
will
der
slan-
books, page
note
that the
in the International
one
Al
Schacht,of
not
onlyfor me but for a young
symbolic
infielder named
StanleyRaymond Harris, with Buffalo.
Harris,nicknamed Bucky, was sold to Washington for the
named
then largesum
of $4,000.
In 1924, Bucky Harris was
That
manager
year
was
led them
58
to
their firstpennant
6o
pitchingthe
off you."
didn't miss by
You're
runs
He
always took
they kept up
"Take
great
they make
enjoying
was
million
that.
at
runs
many
crowd, however,
The
if
entire game
plight.They
my
and
delightin ribbingme,
steadybarrage.
bum
out," they yelled,
among
this time
the
expressions.
I determined
down
to
to
real
some
limit. In the
hands
it'smy
turn
but do
not
With
to
batter hit my
"Ladies
There
back
went
Buffalo
"
not
tied,so
was
out
swaggered back
"
plate,I cupped 1
in mind, orated:
yellingat
bases
are
loaded
me
all !
insist,{
again,
of this hole."
to
of the
the
mound.
park
for
The
a
home
next
run.
runners
on
after this
the bases
example
of
to
about
worry
now."
capitalpunishment, I
to
one
on
I will get
I steppedforth again.
plate,
gentlemen,"I shouted, "I kept my word.
no
long
Not
something.The
againstus, and
"
been
stay around
the
crossed the
and
are
to
first pitchout
As
say
worry.
that
have
to
again. Seeking
"
the
to
definite idea
gentlemen.You
don't have
You
game.
any
loaded
were
arm
weary
to
19
Stepping up
without
and
"Ladies
stood
score
it,the bases
and
[|
hecklingby settling
the
to
pitching,
pressingmy
called time.
I
respite,
end
an
eighth,the
before I knew
my
put
meant
the winning
run
home.
me
In
The
my
usual
reckless
I
style,
took
long
Hooks
the
Wiltse, a
Bisons.
Awk-,,
Screwloose
the Diamond
on
as
throw
low
was
into the
I rolled
Accidentally,
over.
and
dust
is
as
me
bag,and Wiltse,knocking
the ball,and felt
over
on
hip pocket.Without
againstmy
much
first,
raisingas
to
bumped
6i
much
too
thought,I
pocket,rose,
whipped
dashed
idle
the
in
away
I started for
lookingfor
third.
and
the
the
blazed
dustingroutine, and
and
Legs
hesitation,
in gracefully.
second,sliding
Again
through
went
mad,
arms
for
away
with
I got up,
everybody
there,streaked
I rounded
churningfeverishly,
into the platein a
home, sliding
for
third
cloud
of dust.
"We
win,
to John O'Brien,
win," I shouted gleefully
we
the umpire.
"Oh
His
accusing fingerpointed to
by
my
for my
I reached
it dawned
on
horsehide
"Aw,
"I'm
And
out
was
any
the
two-gun
hip pocket.There
that
me
my
this?"
ball
restingcalmly
alive,or
man
was
dead,
ball there,and
no
bounced
the
of my
not," roared
I'm
going to
it'llprobablycost
O'Brien.
report you
you
"You're
to
out
President
for interference.
O'Toole, where
bucks."
fifty
It did.
That
was
entertainment
it
ever
ball field,and
cost
me
any
three years
money
later,as
for
a
clowning Through
62
member
of the
Baseball
my
fun.
reputationas
shattered
when
Reading in
hurt
pitcher,although I
There
couldn't beat
in view
had
shoulder
my
and
to
sent
was
1922.
joined Reading
mound.
clown
was
and
me
did
as
more
do
an
only
one
that
was
and
clown
than
occasional
chore
on
coach
team
in
the
the
league that
International
League flagin
1919 and
won
in
seven
row
through 1925.
In 1922, the Orioles had
besides others,
a
named
coupleof pitchers
and
Jack Bentley,
an
infield combination
They had,
Lefty Grove
of Max
and
Bishop
Screwloose
long
not
were
teams
to
ever
afterward
I consider
what
that
Athletics,
was
Philadelphia
the
Chippewa
good
on
Indian
slated
put
to
of
pitchers
fate decreed
shovel for
that my
second
had
club. With
day
done
was
were
I got I
Just when
bitter enemies
"jockeyed"him
gave
it looked
as
me
the
sign to
come
men
to
in and
through,
returned
to
the
But
over.
Parnham, then
other
an-
Gordonier.
ham
Parn-
and
field,
every
death. The
to
on
in
innings,I
I got
the
on
fact that he
any.
if there would
three
proverbial
remain
to
good day'swork.
Rube
the
with
far from
began with
game
temperamentaldidn't helphim
With
on
ten-cent
for my
was
all time
between
calls. In
was
park
peak by far,but
figureand could still
chance
Bender, the
past his
golfskit,using a
and
pulled
star, would
Chief
the Baltimore
colorful
was
for emergency
golfball,and
The
in 1923.
game.
not
was
when
Baltimore
manager
of the greatest
the
hurl
Baltimore
at
Bentley,the
the Giants
to
delphia
Phila-
Mack's
clowning masterpiece.There
afternoon,and since it
particular
that
advertised
had been
of Connie
greatest
all-time
my
double-header
was
Orioles
of the
one
on
Bentleywent
playingthe
were
keymen
the uniform
wear
Athletics,and
We
63
and
second
at
the Diamond
on
be
no
Gordonier
bases,none
further need
in the fifth.
out, Bender
64
at
home, I approached the mound.
Perfectly
licorice I used to
into my
hip pocketfor some
ball an act legalin those days and there was
"
"
I reached
discolor the
the
ten-cent
"rocket."
Ah
How
temptation
"
foughtagainstit.But
(I hope). Before
human
I could
put
up
too
only
was
much
of
my
and
I'm
going
up and
Joe,
solemnlyreturned
never
face
to
on
blow
have
that would
I warned,
life,"
me.
zippeda pitchdown
them.
your
phony
"And
ball here
to
was
value
you
nothing but
that I
With
conference.
laugh if
"Don't
call for
to
the mound.
with
snout
wound
Ceremoniously,I
Joe Boley
Boley liked
still pretty
tremendous
good,
force
"
the
"
"
second
out.
Happily, I
waved
to
the
crowd.
The
ball looked
like
Screwloose
now
goulash
The
shape.
What
the Diamond
on
batter
was
what
setting"
and who
this,
to
65
am
to
question
Rube.
"Why
"Throw
I'llknock
the ball
anywherenear
it down
your
is that nice,"I
"Now
what you
throat."
snappedback,"How
can
you
hit
can't see?"
wound
me," he sneered,"and
Parnham
a
more,
even
windmill in
myselfwith
my
I returned
fast
next
breeze,I
overt
act.
Clowning Through
66
I tossed the ball up
back
his
on
smirk
haunches, a
from
swung
Parnham
to
his
Like
Rube
pleasureon
his face. He
"
hero, turned
nected.
con-
"
the ball in
watch
to
effort and
was
reared
underhand.
shoestringsa mighty
streak he
of
Baseball
Hke
the
quering
con-
He
flight.
got
brief
only a
ball
dance
steps
and
its way,
on
myselfcaught it for
the final
out.
Beaming,
I
But
him
Parnham
"
being starved
^he
was
for
week.
toward
"Make
'im show
Meanwhile,
you
McGowan
there
was
and
umpire, he
the
ball,""Make
a
'im show
around
to
it."
retrievingthe
part of
the back
Arbiter
another,however.
get
greet me,
the
along with
Boleyand Stylestakingup
with
steak
screamed:
littletrouble
its way
to
the bench.
gladlyhave given
fish instead. Rushing
the
I could
to
I would
smelled
worked
shirt. Before
Parnham,
evidence,
incriminating
a
roaringtigersmelling
having
was
ball. It had
good
my
to
back
alreadyambling innocently
was
not
after
anxious
raving
the cry of
trickery.
who
McGowan,
since become
one
went
of the
League, had
no
way
the
out, with
ten-cent
and
to
the
the old
"rocket"
always been
jigup,
to
over
all
to
deep
has
in the American
I rolled what
of
remained
placebefore
it got there.
theorythat
waiting for
Gowan
Mc-
look
a
spoke up innocently,
spreadingover my face:
astonishment
and
in 1924
over
a
majors
outstandingumpires
choice but
no
jumping
I have
up
of
^g
ing
began my wind-up,I went to my shirt again,fidgetabout as i" I were
lookingfor something.
Parnham
immediatelysteppedout of the batter's box.
I
As
"Just a minute,"
he cried: "Lemme
Shrugging
slowlyas
the
my
see
when
sheepish
me,
that ball!"
to
he
him
to
as
it
saw
was
pellet.
regulation
there
is
had
there
admirable
an
determined
more
He
moment.
But
was
he would
set
cruel of
was
and
quality,
Rube
than
man
his heart
me
on
to
continue
fouled off my
thoughtin my mind"
now,
swing
at
never
my
first two
to
at
hit and
thei
nowi
taunting:
pitches,;
strike him
was
Parnham
gettinga
after Rube
onlyone
finish.
a
perfect
Reallyserious by
mad
and
McGowan,
to
see
I could. He
Determination
"
shouted
he
was
out:
so'
if I threw it behind
Screwloose
back,
his
of
When
it
let
and
look
with
McGowan,
Parnham
It
an
on
was
him
for
day
it,
spent.
ball
the
to
one
Rube,"
it
justice,
of
picked
teased.
control
plastered
out
box,
Parnham.
to
threw
in
and
it
complete
bellow
game
heaving
well
again,
believer
good
missed.
ball
tossed
lost
irate
firm
the
from
ball
the
and
last
"
the
shot,
the
probably
was
returned
caught
and
fine
at
69
swung
parting
Parnham
that
Rube
catcher
as
"Take
Diamond
pitch
The
the
up
go
career.
my
the
on
the
of
over
promptly
his
the
tions,
emo-
stand.
grand-
evicted
twenty-five-dollar
park.
THE
USING
TO
MAILS
VIII
DEFRAUD
delivery
only special
baby.I am the only
playerwho ever wrote his way into the major leagues.
leagueteam in the
Having made practically
every minor
East,tired of being regardedas a pitchingclown instead
I mapped out a campaign of
of a clown who could pitch,
whatever
that is. I sat down
action
a
regularcoup d'etat,
I
baseball's
AM
"
and
wrote
Clark
letters anonymous
myselfsome
the
Griffith,
diet
fattening
letters.
"
"Old
same
in 191 1,
Fox"
who
the victim of my
was
put
me
on
punishingpen.
Griff needed
won
every
game
team
that could
Write Griff
"Dear
"
and
capture
won
twenty
that year
in
only forty-five
all
"
with
^I would
letter.
Sir," I would
"There's
scribble,
pitcherwith
fellow Schacht
telling
you about struck out
a wonder.
Nobody can touch him.
and buy this guy before
to yourself
I
was
late.?"
70
add
the
the Yanks
peopleup
his illustrious
With
71
box
scores.
I mailed
game,
are
here
say.
to
name
letter,of
each
and
"Dear
Defraud
stillanother:
"Is it true
what
to
your
course,
care
to
roster."
I enclosed
pings
clip-
newspaper
after winning
Finally,
my
ninth
out
shut-
Sir:
"Enclosed
you
work.
will find
He
is without
clippingon
a
doubt
Al
Schacht's
the best
markable
re-
in
pitcher
Clowning Through
72
If he
with
were
the
I used
be in baseball
to
see
this Schacht's
Boy,
yourself?
pitchnine
isn't
season
them
won
of the
time
City justin
to
that you
advance
can
despitethe
I consider
on
presence
to
better than
this
The
my
first baseman
the time,
was
peak
"
report
mediocre
team
Johnson, whom
all time
^yes,
"
ChristyMathewson
fensive
Joe Judge,the finest de-
Washington
past his
to
Senators,who
pitcherof
greatest
and
Rice, a great outfielder,
Sam
at
work.
hard
day the
tenth shutout
series in Detroit.
had
Jersey
in seventh, showing
joinedone
with
see
Fan."
to
ordered
was
the
to
pitchhis
of 19 19, I
season
I know
boughthim
He
season.
down
came
this wonder
see
by
wonder!
"Just a
Curiositygot
all
and
come
you
yet.
over
I think
myself,
don't
Why
one.
him
see
pitcherwhen
for
and
so
shutouts. As
a
happened to
Baseball
"
has
^he
ever
had.
Johnson,
slippedto twenty
tories
vic-
that year.
In those
were
to a
reported
rightto work, $15 down and $9 more
put
days,as
as
soon
you
and
start
be
on
3, be knocked
game
train back
to
where
quick shower.
reportedto Grifl, who
after
later,
I
at
club,in
elbows
out
he
came
club,you
new
if you
to
club
of the box
from
made
at
at
3:15,
half hour
Detroit. No
with
was
longerwas
stillmanaging
the
I satisfiedmerely to
rub
then
day.Within
me
burned
make
to
Defraud
to
good.For
73
I was
life,
in my
once
really
serious.
there and
when
show
Ty
all,struck
Bob
were
hadn't
who
and
didn't hit
Merely by
the
by
ten
game
Creek, N.
a
later,
for the
of the World
By
have
Ehmke's
World
so
the record
It
to
mark.
Series
make
that I
-And
was
am
ground keeper.
the
with
veteran
Chicago
Cubs
hanging up
Ehmke
same
only a
their
on
in the
spective
re-
opening
thirteen strikeouts,
into
left
Series,I didn't
might have
allowed
they finally
when
it
World
was
or
shattered
either
as
coach
even
me
or
on
clown,
safe anyway.
American
my
the club
with
diamond,
againstsuch
was
battinga
was
this
was
weary
Series while
"nothing ball"
yet
connected
Y. It
and
worn
I broke
the time
mann,
Heil-
and
triples,
Athletics
Philadelphia
which
record
Veach
"
Tigershad a pitcherthen
Ehmke, a lean, gangling righthander
heart
of mention, the
of Silver
years
and
the assistant
was
.300
name
all-around
Heilmann
of Howard
out
who
over
way
name
The
in doubles
reached
they
"
courageous
my
Harry
to
even
off year
Veach
leadingthe League
was
fear
having an
was
there
Then
that year
team
great
lineup.
the
Ty Cobb,
playerof them
have
not
get in
long afterward
not
the Detroit
i" I
as
to
^but
"
of
and
desire I lost
"
dugout
ready,anxious
was
over
glancedcasually
finished fourth
"
stuflF
my
Tigers did
The
life.I
there all my
been
the
coward
great
names
League
but
of baseball
debut.
I will admit
Never
that I had
let it be said
that for
fleeting
74
I wished
moment
was
League.
pitchersa system
working his
which
time,
kept them all on edge until warm-up
before the game. Nobody knew
about twenty minutes
who
would
pitch until Griff tossed the ball to the appointed
his name
time.
at the same
hurler,calling
I will never
day. The strains of
forgetthis particular
beginningto tell on me.
uncertaintyand suspense were
Griff call on
Would
to
me
quellthe sluggingTigers?
I waited for the call and the toss of the ball
Impatiently
and twenty minutes
before game-time it came
rightby
(quitea toss) to a fellow named Courtney.
my nose
Safe for the time-being,
I watched
prisingly
Courtney do a surgood jobin holdingthe Tigers.In the ninth,we
Grifi had
funny
of
system
"
"
"
were
ahead,
finish up
to
i,
and
it looked
as
if
Courtney would
blaze of
when
glory,
thingsbegan to happen.
One
scoring a run
Tiger tripledand another singled,
ing
tyingthe score. Courtney then proceededto get wild,walkthe next
and with nobody out, the bases were
two
men,
in
loaded.
I should
have
up, for
coming
that?
And
bench
for
"Where
sure
known
was
like
the
me.-
is that young
pitcherwho
he
just reported?"
asked.
Swallowing hard,
corner
"Here
of the
I am,
"Well, come
I answered
dugout,where
I'd
sir."
on,
come
in there
With
no
to
the
j6
that
bath, I realized
of the
one
smartest
several
And
Griff,I
to
that
mound.
Success
local
last
at
"
contemplatingasking for
Sox,
next
And
Eddie
ever
Cicotte, who
when
figures
as
and
seen;
good.I
had
Sox
v^on
me
the
on
already
was
then.
Jackson and
had
They
of all
basemen
Cicotte
Ed
leadingpitcherwas
that
baseball
Unfortunately,
result of their
We
with
Sox
twenty-nine games
won
me.
ward
lookingforleague-leading
Chicago White
Red
Browns.
Collins,one
the game
fire
didn't
first raise,and
those White
team
then
even
list.
our
on
what
St. Louis
boy makes
my
off the
knocking
to
quite
auspiciousone-pitch
coming-out
againstthe
me
was
in baseball. He
men
and
one,
ball game
must
days after my
party, he started
lose
can
pitch.
on
only one
easily
In tribute
fellow
lost
in
participation
lead
outstanding
two
banished
were
to
season
from
ball
base-
"Black
the
Sox"
Scandal.
Every
first
custom
place,and
call a
to
the Sox
When
important to
was
seventh
or
his
was
series
when
and
weaknesses.
any,
Jackson comes
inside and
throw
gave
him
make
a
sure
rival,it
new
points.
strategic
us
our
none
could
we
us
had
stop Jackson,
League, we
could
win.
orders.
he don't hit
make
got
of them
up," he said,"pitchyour
screwball and
in
was
over
It seemed
most
he
Methodically,
"When
discuss
began going
lineupfor
of the
he
Washington, therefore,he
Sox
one
met
we
meeting and
to
came
Griff whether
one.
him
And
you,
hit that."
fast balls
Schacht,
all
was
Defraud
to
of
quitesimple.My screwball,a duplicate
called his
pitchChristyMathewson
best pitch,and Griff knew
change of pace. All I had to
the
opened
third. Then
the
and
with
on
me
all
were
do
make
was
againstthe
the series
had
two
that. I
fadeaway,was my
used it chiefly
a
as
Jackson ignore
my
jj
two
The
strolled
out, up
going
loaded
Sox
nice
would
hot shower
I
Obeying Griff's instructions,
into the
the
Jackson,the
the first
by
got
lead
2-0
tables turned.
and
Sox
threw
bases
guy
a
swung
we
big
be, I thought.
Jackson a
fast ball
but it
the
Even
on
box and
when
we
got back
to
pulledme
He
ravingmaniac.
hit
fast ball,to
the opposite.
You
"Mr.
League
would
I said,"I
Griffith,"
must
be
dumb
The
of the
were
game
inside. You
to
me
smart
not
let
to
did
just
Jackson."
all the
guess
then.
of the
out
unmercifully.
"I bought you
because I thought you
he shouted. "I told you before the
pitcher,"
him
running out
came
pitchersin
this
hitting.360.I
who is stopping
pitcher
guy
is
him."
Griff chased
me
to
the clubhouse.
me
aside.
"I'm
going
he remarked.
to
give
"You'll
you
one
pitchthe
more
chance
last game
to
stop him,"
of the series."
do
"Don't
to
sure
Griff
"I
Sox.
of
making
smile.
with
blessed
was
that
win
you
guess
little
kiddingly,
replied
favors,"
any
me
Baseball
Through
Clowning
78
of
sense
he
one,"
humor.
said
grinning,
"he
battle
with
is
tough."
stopped
He
them
got
was
all
Jackson
off
hits
five
only
me.
right
wasn't
in
in
the
around
my
final
next
game,
long
but
enough.
only
the
one
THE
SOUR
GRAPES
If Clark
and write
about
book
Gripes of
"The
THE
AND
FOX
OLD
Fox,
my
Griff used
tell
to
time
waste
few
brief interludes,
I received
the
he
me
to
ever
undoubtedlytitle it
beck.)
to
John Stein(With apologies
Schacht."
checks from
pay
were
he would
me,
From
IX
of thoughts
certain that at times he was
I am
laughs,"
guilty
either
I was
clown-slaughter.
borderingon premeditated
very funny,or very lucky.
But
Griif
great
was
to
man
work
fans know
that he
once
managed
Yankees, in
the
the
ChicagoWhite Sox and the old New York
American
League, and the Cincinnati Reds in the National;
standout pitcherin his day, winning over
that he was
a
hundred
two
games.
Griff grew
rookie,to
and
up
star,
way
manager
and
to
ownershipof
and he would
the hard
rather win
"
their eccentricities.He
of humor, which
baseball,
risingfrom
the
to
finally
club. Baseball
sense
in
was
and
presidency
is his lifeblood
understood
ball players,
had
he
sharpwit, and
must
79
have had
them
and
remarkable
in order
to
put
8o
with
up
than
the Old
The
me
and
in
the
to
off
to
Alexander
tore
was
of my
career
look
me
over
days after
few
in
cartilage
A
little
long as
as
no
pitchee,
fostered
of
move
he
into
my
mare.
night-
while
could, he finally
payee.
verilya
was
second
baseman
was
twenty-five,
that
since
Haven, and
in the International
I made
of the Senators
young
up,
pitchingdays
boomeranged
along with
No
My
I had
at
broke
camp
of New
me
into
into
his knee.
dream
my
stillthe property
suspended me.
that year,
to
invited
get
strung
Here
releasing
in 1924 he
trainingcamp
Weiss
of
system.
plentyfor
me
Senator
over.
definitely
the honor
giving
Haven
signed with New
managed by George Weiss,
missed
pictureagain.A
But
in 1920,
in 1922, I
were
today
in full
again,and
head
have
must
down
the
had
Griif
me
he
1922
spellwith Reading
now
in baseball
man
he gave
the
shrewder
Washington.
of the Senators
president
became
Fox
as
isn't
from
Fox
managing,
up
There
me.
League
named
tagged "The
was
tiny.
of des-
tot
whose
and
quaintance
ac-
who
manager
Old
Fox's
There was
touch there
befriended me.
a sentimental
Folly,"
at the
Bucky and I had joinedthe Senators practically
same
time, and despitethe fact that I had called him a
"busher" when
he
in the International,
we
were
opponents
"
offered
me
job as
his assistant
on
the
Washington
club.
Old
The
and
Fox
the Sour
Grapes
8i
After deliberating
approximatelyone-eighthof
Griff,the
accepted.
^but
this
about
"
I stillhad
buy
to
for
not
in my
the New
way
club,
Haven
brilliant
money.
"
that
proving
but
lame
Haven,
New
From
of
been
ing
noth-
long.
release from
my
and
might
signedthe checks,knew
who
guy
second, I
Schacht
the
arm
not
I called
Griff,reversingthe charges,
course.
"Griff,"I said,"this
suspended.I
Haven,
is urgent. I
buy
can
stranded
am
release for
my
in New
little as
as
are
going
you
do when
to
release?"
get your
you
he asked.
"Why,
I'm
had
Harris
club,"I replied,
thinkingthat
joiningyour
alreadyinformed
him
of his need
for my
uable
inval-
do
know
services.
"You
I
are,
"Your
"A
nice,too,"remarked
costingyou
to
I be
this short
money.
figuredif he
the
sent
as
Fox, "but
and
now
I'm
you
in seventh
Will
me
you
can't
pitch
place.
for?"
needing you
let'smake
you
me."
wants
manager
"That's
What
you?"
want
and
are
on
long
wire
me
the money,
"And
firmly.
distance
the
and
this is
$300?"
he'd have
to
hire
me
get it back.
Griff
sent
me
the money
all
right.I bought my
release
82
Weiss, who
from
tickled
was
to
Washington, stilllookingfor
to
Baseball is
can't do
You
I called
to
funny
business
anythingon
day.It was
to
one
biggerbut this particular
are
called off
been
sensing that
on
the crowds
bad. The
was
had
game
Griff,probably
the premises,was
lurkingon
was
Sundays are
days because
of rain, and
account
enterprises.
Sunday when
creditor.
my
supposed to
like other
not
bad
respects
my
pay
reported
job.
"
and
nowhere
sight.
in
bloodhound
It took all of my
when
cornered
finally
to
quahties
he
him,
locate him
me
surprised
by offering
trulyamazed.
I said after glancingat
"Why Mr. Griffith,"
"I can hardlysee the numbers
they'reso small.
more
catchingrunaways. Look, Griff
money
me
contract.
was
"
the game
better
see
there
David
Harum
the
no
was
club
going
was
as
the entire
picturechanged.We
the series. We
of the games,
seventh
to
modesty prevents
cleaned
and
up
in
out
three
me
the
went
from
day
to
make
can
it's raining,
you'restill in seventh
is shining."
the sun
Griff,who is known
stalling
of baseball. The
natural
My
figures,
place.I
as
the
the road
on
to terms
day and he insisted that we come
We
compromised.I signedthe contract.
next
claims
when
you
But
the
called and
was
and
diately.
imme-
making
any
joinedthe club,
Phillyand
swept
weeks
we
shot from
firstplace.
might add
we
had
too.
Our
infield
Harris
at
second, Roger
Judge at first,
Peckinpaughat short,and Ossie Bluege at third. We had
Rice and Earl McNeely in the outfield,
Goose Goslin,Sam
consisted of Joe
World
The
the Senators
is baseball
was
New
York
most
battles
thrilling
each
one
run.
The
have
Giants
last game
such
seen
led 3
to
that
took
The
score
tied
up
scored
sudden
and
in
tension
hop
out, Frankie
one
of all time,
of the
games,
by
and
one
never
runs
in
Giants
the
lucky bounder
on
Lindstrom's
Freddy
beaten
The
one.
the
came
head.
mighty
Frisch,one
Johnson
tripled.
walked
Pep Young
came
called him
two
this
the ninth; in
triumph of
the
game.
over
into
going
Johnson, alreadytwice
basemen
played in Washington
was
Harris
seven
decided
were
were
inning,Bucky
With
of them
and
one
annals,going
going to decide
going into the eighth,but
breaks
The
It
history.
in Series
so
Baseball
Through
Clowning
^4
the
pitchesthat
he
Irish Mcusel
to
"Big
Train."
couldn't
He
even
struck
see,
and
out
Kelly on
Harris
three
tossed
out
Old
The
In the
Grapes
Jackson,Frisch,Kelly for
Travis
out
Wilson, the
Hack
time, and
home
fifty-six
two
first on
strom,
out.
pebble,bounced
carried back
He
the flood of
to
them
telling
back, and it was
happy
how
who
ond
sec-
in 1930
Johnson reached
the
Lindy'shead,
over
fans
the
hit
as
groanedwith anguish,
on
the shoulders
Griff did
rooters.
the
and
this horseshoe
on
tears
proud he
here that I
mind
"Never
the
the clubhouse
pattingeverybodyon
was
and
hit
screaming,cheeringWashington
stem
on
hand.
then
McNeely
Series ended
desperately-fought
Ruel scored the winning run.
and
While New
York players
to
men
grounder at Lindticketed
of those easy-goinggrounders that are
Harris' hit,
outs, and just as in the eighthon
one
were
And
doubled
Ruel
Muddy
error.
an
for certain
we
Hack
same
runs
85
next
base,struck
hit
the Sour
and
Fox
of
nothing
his eyes.
was
pulledmy
He
master
I said. "How
patting,"
pattedmy
stroke.
about
that three
hundred?"
Griff almost
"You
The
would
take
When
holdouts
a
I shouted.
it
the end
win.
bonus
with
more
it?"
dough,
the
greatest
ever
hear
out
out, with-
year.
of each
had
holdingout
fail,
every
At
"No
asking for
to
came
of all time
coach
with laughter.
hysterical
advantageof me," he cried. "You
is off."
three hundred
"What,"
of
went
season,
yell:
holdingout, Griff."
I would
stick my
head
into
Clowning Through
S6
Then
I would
Each
year,
run
accompanied by
Al," would
"Enclosed
is your
got what
he
out,
to
write
salaryas
"Dear
treat
he
had
we
wanted.
contract,
of these letters.
What
One
your
I'm
season.
year,
sorry
losingyear."
did
Babe
Ruth
held
Babe
Ruth
have
I decided
therefore,
Received
Fox:
next
holdout. When
letter to end
me
generalrun
for
didn't have?
that Schacht
to
the
be
contract
send
letter.
"Dear
Baseball
letter with
penned:
contract.
I could
me
raise
story every
same
of you
out
succeeded,I'm going
to
now,
and
experiment with
since I haven't
this
contract.
in some
bury this contract
very rich dirt
have in a rubber plantand sprinkle
it with holy water
we
the roses
are
every night.J^ndmaybe, in the Spring,when
budding and all the flowers rise from the ground,then,
maybe, the figureson this contract will also be raised.
"You
mention
in your lettersthat the only reason
you
keep me on your club is that I give you a lot of laughs.I
twice as many
want
to assure
laughs
you that you give me
I've ever
as
given you. It's these contracts
you send me."
"I'm
It
and
going
not
was
took
to
you
can't appear
Griff called
haven't
on
"That's your
signeda
me
contract
yet,"he said,"you
the game
starts."
fault,"I answered. "Certainly
not
mine."
The
Old
o"
president
the Sour
Grapes
Present
"Do
and
Fox
the American
have
you
WilUam
was
Harridge,
League.
call in the
to
87
President
League
thing?"I inquired.
We
argued back and forth but I was
Griff pretendedhe was
reallyangry. He
settle
to
this
under
contract
stubborn.
Finally,
pushed
blank
nose.
my
and
figures
holding out
date,no
"After
to
blank, I
I say
make
sign
me
blank. The
mean
not
even
my
blank
and
no
name.
all Winter," I
bore
contract
"You're
yelled,
have
at
me
Nothing doing."
and I believe
"Sign it,"Griff repeated
What
could I do
I signed.
He then gave me
a
contract.
duplicate
he
going
your
mercy.
it.
meant
"
"What's
"That's
said with
yours,"he
there's
"But
twinkle
spaces.
in his eye.
here."
nothingon
"Griff,"I moaned.
but I
warn
I asked
you.
for
on
and
at
I couldn't get my
it
"
was
"Didn't
wanted?"
he
what
exactly
^itwas
aren't what
the
fast
I had
stand."
grandenough.
asked
Griff called
me
for.
in.
amazed
you
check
mercy,
your
this contract
on
figures
payday,I'm going to blow up
did,"I
certainly
"You
He
you,
puttingmyselfon
If the
Payday came
HastilyI looked
Going by the
"Fooled
"I'm
at
think
my
inquired.
said.
indifference.
was
going
to
give you
what
you
Clowning
88
"It
would
in.
give
than
more
The
me
that,"
wasn't
for
Old
You
declared.
fooled
knew
"I
me
Baseball
Through
when
along
that
didn't
give
all
you
wanted."
Fox
week.
chased
me
out
of
the
office
and
snubbed
you
me
LAUGH,
CLOWN,
LAUGH!
clown,
that I
then
still a
and
Nick,
been
his
coach
clowning
screwballs
antics
would
together.We
doubleheaders
of
and
coaching lines.
the
fans
just before
the
of
between
the Giants
Here
was
sneak
to
also
was
John
in, and
teams
in the
went
on
and
to
to
of
history
win
championships
"
What
see
World
team
see
the
how
fare
Series
of
start
single
in
finally,
1921,
fruit. We
the World
Series
Series without
ing
hav-
at
time. For
same
his Giants,
me,
it
of the best
one
regime
"
straightpennants
would
games
with
acquaintanceship
renew
the McGraw
four
those
World
paid at
opportunity to
an
McGraw
in
to
get
work
Yankees.
and
chance
my
two
to
between
staged insanitybore
were
for
Since
decided
we
one,
time, had
known
was
silliest skits,and
respectivestreaks
our
the
entertain
inventing the
games,
1912, and
better than
seemed
Altrock,
his
pitcherin
since
on
Nick
the Senators.
with
the Senators
with
with
up
left-handed
noted
teamed
and
met
and
team
two
which
World
againstMiller Huggins'
kees,
Yan-
Giants
had
"
Frankie
Frisch,"High
Clowning Through
90
Baseball
Pockets"
without
team
home
of its own
yet, weren't
as
"
hurl
That
briUiant
series
feature
act
the beginningof my
really
I have appeared in twenty
"
the Ruth
was
baseball
numerous
among
to
was
clowning career
Our
St. Denis
since then.
Dance, and
Death
and
skits,Nick
big league
pantomimed
even
Veils
rope
tightas
an
encore.
It
the milk
was
of human
kindness
"
and
goat'smilk
not
which
baseball audience
Valentino's
hit
at
has
the time
was
most
ous
hilari-
witnessed.
ever
picturecalled "Blood
92
the animal
got under
we
The
cabby,an
to
such
don't you
Why
am
get him
democratic
at
always open
guy,
the ball
unless
park
the goat
out
I
leaves,
had
into the
arm
park practically
it's
eating.
cabbageleaves?"
some
and
store
stoppedat a vegetable
of cabbage.Right there began a
arrived
soon
it started
We
luxury.As
scat.
all over
the place.
"baa-ing"
however.
fellow,ojBFeredthe solution,
intelligent
way,
"ain't happy
goat,"he suggested,
"A
used
loaded
up
suggestion,so
with
beautiful
most
and
to
was
big heads
friendship.
about
to
yank
like a dog.
me
following
other
I bulged with prideat the thought that among
my
achievements
of wild
I had
master
a
suddenly become
behorned
stanch
animals. This
beasty was
reallymy
friend. With
other aid except a few feeds of cabbage
no
Once
when
won
in the
rehearsal.
saw
my
park,I
way
it
was
to
wasted
the
in
no
George Kelly,the
goat'sheart.
walked
We
arm.
time.
Giant
I called
an
diate
imme-
firstbaseman, hap-
pened to
at
distance of about
had
and
feet
ten
"
back
I stuffed my
at
from
his bosom
cabbage leaves
I had
me.
back
my
the
to
about
nibble,I turned
to
balked,drew
it. It
That
cinched
it,and
on
threw
pal.
and
at
leap of joy
beast,with
the
he was,
Kelly,big as
animal
pocket with
Kelly released
given signal,
the goat rushed
him
I had
so
park early,
the
at
93
it
as
was
littlesticks
at
back.
it. The
act
Valentino
set.
was
could
have
purchasea
toreador's
ridiculous-looking
acquired a
turned
At
up
at
the
quarter of
edges,and
dashing figureof
than
more
sword
Brandishingmy
companion
toward
still did
not
did Nick
its part
and
to
the
to
know
myself,
what
I,since
my
entrance
fans. I
was
acted
certainly
and
like
I signaledfor
savagely,
goat, free
once
more
to
be
was
the
near
loped
gal-
amazement
it all
hat
cape,
and
benefactor,bleated gleefully
and
me,
I made
fiftythousand
toreador
For
sword.
rubber
that afternoon
two
on
one.
Sefiorita costume,
going
on.
dependedon
Frankly,neither
the goat. It
played
perfection.
have
been
faith born
of
and it
friendship
could possibly
have been the aroma
of the fresh cabbage
leaves that I had stuffed in every pocket,up my pants leg
but the unsuspecting
and inside my
shirt,
goat completely
ignoredthe brandished sword.
however, I swished the sword back and
Dramatically,
the tenacious animal once
twice. Believe
forth,sticking
or
It may
true
94
me,
but this is
look of astonishment
true.
spread over
It
goat'sface. It appearedstunned by this betrayal.
and seemed
looked at me
halted in its tracks,
bewilderedly,
the
to
say
.to
"What
itself:
is
this,a wolf
turned
Suddenly,I
confidence it went
in Schacht's
my
back
clothing.?"
it,and
on
with
renewed
for the
cabbageagain.Whirling,I
it with my sword again.Again, it drew back. Several
we
this,and by that time I had poured most
repeated
bottle of catsup
over
as
if my
stuck
times
of
thrusts
I tossed away
bringingresults. Then, valiantly,
my
and began to wrestle with the goat. Bitterly,
sword
we
fought,rollingover and over on the ground, and with
its back.
on
wild, fierce surge, I toppledit over
one
were
Out
his
of nowhere,
Carmen
ing
Altrock,dash-
handful
the
Senorita
came
of hair. With
rose,
offered
The
and
I bowed
Nick
fancy flourish,
low
to
tossed
hand
in
his
me
he
shyly.
crowd
we
took bow
after bow.
But
flushed with
stillthe fans
our
umph,
tri-
keptyell-
95
can't be that
laughing.We
ing,cheering,
good,I thought,
and it finally
dawned
that somethingwas
amiss. I
on
me
the goat,
looked around, and there rightby my
feet was
supposedlydead and which I had completely
forgotten.
it there but it was
Not only was
bowing bow after bow
with us. In throwing the animal, I had wrung
its neck a
littletoo hard, and while the crowd thought the goat was
reallya trained part of the act, the poor beast was
only
the kinks out of its neck. To the conquered
tryingto straighten
that day belonged the spoils.
I had
awful
an
time
with
with
Care"
broken
past
sign
on
and
nose,
was
once
historylooks
back,
my
I have
kayoed by
suffered
twice
a
steel girder.
My
journal.
enough that as an aspiringpitcherI had
sore
aheady survived malaria,ulcers,torn cartilages,
arms,
and that terrifying
vision of the war
from Fort
dicitis,
It
not
was
Slocum,
N.
I had
took
Y. In 1920, my
shoulder broken;
my
pieceout of
poked
my
even
to
out
become
of
was
was
broken.
sagged lower
today well-wishers
some
the Senators,
Altrock
later,
years
shower
better rewards.
deep mourning
shoulder
with
season
intoxicated under
deserves
versatility
averages
and
chin in
my
collar-bone
my
second
in
the
American
Accordingto
than
among
the
my
1929
League
ting
reports, bat-
stock
market,
friends
ball-player
96
keep pleadingwith
we
to
me
come
playingDetroit.
whenever
made
History was
were
afternoon
which
first base
I reached
about
my
laced
exuberantly
out
was
with
the
true
catcher down
On
base, and
on
often
too
once
average.
Donie
in
hit and
grace
to
I got
that
season,
sign,I
run
the
bag
the
on
wild. I dived
for
"
"
for
in
me
more
than
ways
one.
could
now
devote
all my
time
to
Altrock
and I
were
Perhaps we
it
had
playfulpair when
rehearse
our
gags
our
the business
strictly
was
worked
we
of
clowning on
thoroughlybut
gether.
to-
field,but
the field.We'd
one
wrong.
During
to
each
Nick
infield
other from
was
an
Nick
practice,
and
first to third in
expert
juggler,and
I would
a
throw
lot of crazy
at
and
the
let it bounce
ball
manners.
signal,I would
one,
and
his hands
97
particular
day, the signalsgot crossed
Expecting the rubber ball,he opened his hands.
That
heap.When
forehead
I raced
big as
as
got
We
Nick
with
even
puttingon
were
roared
of the
at
he
The
hard
down
went
lump
his
on
variety
common
when
me
several weeks
me
and
him, he had
to
over
apple.Words
an
the forehead
squarelyon
somehow.
he recovered.
later,however.
burlesqueof
the
Dempsey-Tunney
I was
long count, using baseball glovesfor boxinggloves.
Nick
Tunney,
laid
Nick
on
it
wound
chin, and
as
Dempsey
would
on
ask the
he
My
often tried
was
but
to
not
when
became
me.
the
personaltouch
in
I don't wish
sign me
there with
out
dropped the
up
the firstguy
to
to
my
stars,
the World
to
being
hit
be my
stooge
brag
hit
placeevery
boxingroutine
in baseball
boxing
but
by
agers
man-
agining
Jack, probablyim-
of
this
Tunney,
stagedit again in
Tigers met
to
satisfied with
and
boxing technique,
collar-bone stilljumps
I should have
the buckle
ex-champ himself
performance.Now,
faultless
dead
with
time
right
caught me
glovebut
the
Not
for
of my
my
now," he laughed.
even
I had
have
tainly
cer-
we
me.
Nick,
a
and
counting the
lay calmly,restfully
afterward.
to
on
Nick
quickly.
only with
himself added
long
rest
too
away
down
we're
Mauler,
the knock-down
blow,
delivering
pitcher.
Usually,I caught the blows
floppedlike
Kick looked
not
like
not
of the mitt. I
act
In
hand
the button
"I guess
on.
which
pulledmy
on
up
hand
my
was
me
now
just once.
and then.
then and
Series of 1934,
Cardinals,and
get
there,
thus
cock-eyedunder
^g
shower.
defense, I
In
point
must
that
out
not
am
habitual drunkard.
That
in which
the Series,you'll
recall,
was
of "Me
team
of the Gas
'nd Paul"
House
the great
Dean,
Gang,
two
won
victim
and
Daffy
the
was
pop-botde
barragein
and
lemon, vegetable
Dizzy
games
Ducky
that famous
near-riot at Detroit.
picked the
coldest
boxing masterpiece.It
the fans
days,and
blankets. As
down
to
day
of that series
was
one
of
up
put
on
my
biting October
those
all bundled
were
to
in
and
overcoats
I worked
stripped
delight,
was
nothinghalfway about
the doctors'
for me,
boxing trunks.
There
me.
It
was
part of the
fighttaking the
opponent"
to
face after I
slow
motion.
act"
part of both
have
bucket
water
dashed
in
and
out
myselfdown
of cold
knocked
gracefully
In view
pantomimeda prizei
and myj
myself,naturally,
in which
to
bring out
pailof
my
in'
wisely
warm
Working
harder
than
ever
to
keep
from
freezing,I
lOO
bit
embarrassed,a
Slightly
my
I missed
The
o" the
out
carcass
weary
firstWorld
my
who
guy
"Buckets,Buckets."
called
me
my
steel
bucket any
I'll take
character. He
the
the
former
been
umpire, was
for
extreme.
breakinga
fan's
bleachers
Elmira
in
kayoed
in
me
It
happened
with
nose
and
quitea
vigor for
catch
in
me
here
Rochester,and
ball
artfully
was
couldn't
They
servers.
process
with
the very
to
New
after I had
well-meaningsoul
ORDERS
into
dodging
in the strangest
stooge,
being sued
was
thrown
and
was
carryingout
that I
bucket
of
time.
chauffeur
My
so
one
the
girderunder
Lima, Ohio.
in
or
write
During
another
in thirteen
years.
wrote
for
by
I stupidly
sheepish,
dragged
park and to the hotel. Thus,
was
Syracuse stillsafe.
in
I
that
was
scheduled
nightand
at
to
find
condition and
out
that I wasn't
Hardly
my
and
up
Schacht
Mr.
Open
papers
pops
subpoena in
for my
not
be
to
called
to
at
eighto'clock
siesta,leaving
disturbed under
the
on
state
phone
to
emphatically
when
the
faithfully
repeat
phone
the
rang.
tion.
conversa-
calling Oh,
you
...
bringthem rightup."
eyes
Who's
...
some
down
but
calling
was
I closed
Friday picked it
have
park
there.
had
"Hello...
man
my
the ball
that if anyone
only who
not
at
six,I layme
be
hand.
before I knew
it,there
was
"You
let
no
"I
some
in
one
loi
thought he
to
he said he had
I tell you
"Didn't
here?"
that I wasn't
"
him.
raged at
meant
clippings."
press
PAPERS
MR.
FOR
SCKACJ^T?^
o"GHr
IN
In
out
an
to
irate
the
mood, unable
ball
park. I
to
go
back
sleep,we
to
through
went
went
preliminary
my
finish,we
down
would
and
bucketful of
out.
be careful. He
him
I gave
or
have
maybe
credit for
being,because
but with
the bucket
So, in
one
fateful
as
would
face. He
before and
I had
been
he
stooge
my
fight,and
then
He
must
with
have
in my
water
out
battingact
had
knock
by pouring a
me
awfullyclose
come
after the
nervous
than
smarter
me
with
not
well,breakingmy
evening,I
would
warned
repeatedly
was
he hit
he
revive
umpire. At
as
was
him.
to
bawling
I gave
only the
him
water
nose.
served with
subpoena
for
breaking
by
guy's
had
and
nose
who
stooge,
own
my
had
own
my
to
seen
Baseball
that
it
broken
nose
the
subpoena
served.
was
That
of
nose
wound
the
at
Reds
of
Out
heave
Needless
between
the
time,
Tigers
go
say,
and
Tigers
merely
was
cinnati
Cin-
innocent
an
their
through
fifty players
and
to
be
the
the
on
it
was
broken
field,
infield
of
out
photographers
one
to
McCosky.
Barney
to
the
another
sidelines.
had
nose
suffered
cUmax,
fitting
newspapermen
my
by
This
than
more
as
Series
1940.
the
hundred
around,
World
watching
from
practice
mine,
in
bystander,
Through
Clowning
I02
again.
be
hit
about
standing
by
wild
AM
BACK!
COME
LOVER,
lover of
beautyin
has been
especially,
with a soft,
romantic
would
XI
of my
one
nature,
beauty,
great weaknesses.
the
of
mention
mere
Blessed
a
girl's
stages. I
stir
me
to
remained
to
long enough in one town
strike up a serious acquaintancewith a nice girland by
the time I reached the hand-holding
release was
state, my
handed
and I had to departfor parts unknown
to
me
without
leavinga forwarding address. Why couldn't I
be like other guys and go steady?
of the boys on the Washington
Bucky Harris and some
club took advantageof my good nature, and of course, my
weakness, in trainingcamp at Tampa, Florida,
outstanding
one
Spring.
A clown
is supposedto furnish laughs for others,not
to
be
with
never
laughedat.
the best .of
proved to
Since I
rookies
be my
was
the
am
proud of
last laugh,for
to
or
veterans.
take it
Hot
at.
the manager,
can
assistant
meanwhile, was
with
I had
chargeof
They joinedus
103
Harris,
trainingseason.
Springs,Ark., takingthe
at
Tampa
the
hot baths
later.
I04
Ball
playersare
the world.
To
own.
Remember
in Smith's
wasn't
show
and
Bucky
class,he
I would
nabbed
He
out.
look,and
me
I strolled
After all,
he
over.
"Al," he spoke in
Hot
they
away,
sitting
now,
angles,laughing
for and
layingodds
coupleof
me,
"Hey,
Al."
was
my
low, earnest
the
manager.
voice
beautiful
most
almost
"
whisper,
I have
women
ever
in Hot
"You
Springs."
did?" I whisperedback,flatteredthat
take me,
sacred
me.
seen
to
"Yep. And
arrive
to,
at
even
the
in
me
miles
picturethem
"Psst,"he psst
-'I met
on
go
of the scheme.
success
his arrival in
On
can
thousand
all his
people will
this gag
up
Tampa, talkingover
ridiculous
againstthe
delicate touch
lengthssome
than
and
me,
practical
jokersin
Well, while Bucky
Smith?
had
cooked
more
how
what
his gang
thought of
at
Harry
you
Springs.Even
on
of the greatest
some
I told them
here in
going
are
few
of the
if any
days and
visit them.
to
all about
rent
on
a
around, especially
couplelike
on
that
should
matter
so
They'regoing to
cottage and
keep
Now,
boys catch
you.
Harris
this
we
these two,
you
and
because
yourself
know
any gals
to
it'llbe
justtoo
bad."
Alreadyin
pleaded:
"You
ecstasy, I
won't
somebody
"Don't
around
else
will you
and
anxiously,
Bucky,and
take
looking
reassured,
Al," Bucky whisperingly
worry,
to
grabbedBucky'sarm
see
that
no
one
was
Back!
Lover, Come
all
galsare
pepped up
105
meeting
on
think
They
you.
you're
wonderful."
I learned that the night of
questioning,
that Saturday,
rendezvous was
that the two
women
further
On
secret
would
Fridaynight.
days, I walked on
arrive
For
two
went
out,
pressedfor
tonic
our
on
haircut
Saturdaymorning,
shave, had
in years, and
best suit
my
put
even
littlehair
curlylocks.
look
must
best,Alexander,"I said
your
impressionsare
Early
and
the firsttime
my
"You
"First
got
air.
the
words
whisperedwelcome
know."
important,you
that evening, at
dinner
team
in my
myself.
to
table,Bucky
ear:
my
"Have
money?"
you
got any
hands
in
anticipation.
aside.
pulledme
he
I should have
asked,and
cash a
to
suspected
somethingrightthen. "I don't want
check. While I phone them, you go out and buy a quart
of liquor.
They may like a littledrink."
twelve dollars it cost me
I got the quart
as
prohibition
"
stillin effect.With
was
our
he
the way,
and
my
arm,
I took
stopped the
cab
mind
my
a
cab for
and
gested
sug-
"
We
must
have
nudged
"Where
like
"Now
covered
tiently
impa-
Harris:
is this
jointanyway
sleeper
jump
to
.f^"I
"This
inquired.
seems
me."
replied
Bucky. "You
won't
mind
Clowning Through
io6
far it is when
how
M'lad, two
I
think, but
all for
and
me
you."
foreignelement
quite suddenly.Hastily,I elbowed
mind
into my
and
women
gorgeous
satisfied
was
these
see
you
Baseball
to
entered
Bucky
again.
married?"
"Say,Bucky, are these women
"What's
the difference,"
declared Bucky. "They're married
but they're
both getting divorces."
bit worried
"We're
not
Bucky
gave
don't think
"You
club, would
for
chances
take any
of
that I, manager
minute
of
getting mixed
up
ball
in
scandal,do you?"
of my
unfounded
lest he
suspicionsand
change his
mind
because
thing off.
only curious,
was
that's all."
cab
The
came
finally
to
complete darkness.
dollars and
For
away
I'm
nothing has
I can't
moment
between
even
see
lot of bushes
halt,and
and
couple of
trees
was
this littlecottage.
The
in the
up
livingroom
of the
A
cold
objectof
shiver
beautiful
room.
dark
placewas
"
to
my
ran
creatures
with
the
the
down
but
my
a
man,
spine when
pacing
up
saw
and
not
down
two
the
Clowning Through
io8
Not
until I
was
boomed
I allotted
had
singlesecond
awakened
of my
out
"And
now
That
was
my
dying
so
take-off
Instead of
into the
door.
screen
that
voice
rati"
away
speedingto the
safety
own
my
griefby
signal.Gnawed
I raced
young,
to
Basebal
open
the
in
"
road
and
the fear of
by
direction.
wrong
freedom, I
myself grapplingwith
I found
ran
the
of
water
so
fast
Owens
about
block
this time,
by
only
one
second-rate
justa
was
from
going
was
Jesse
water.
sprintercompared
to
that
me
night.
I
ran
Weak,
and
at
until I
ran
loss for
The
dead
once
every
of
of my
find
almost
neck
for
I took
perspiration.
floored
were
me
none.
and
out
my
there
probablydead. Maybe he
maybe he needed help.I figuredit out
yet
and worto Harris
angle,torn between loyalty
ground, most
from
handful
thoughtsturned
the cold,wet
on
wasn't
to
more.
breath,I stopped,expecting to
myselfbleedingto death.
a
blood,but all I got was
off the raincoat
any
Back!
Lover, Come
ries about
and
told
health
own
my
myself,and
I battled
"
dead
One
won.
109
isn't
the madman
as
with
fiercely
many
would
as
dead, I
two
surelyget
i" I
me
back.
\went
Still uncertain, I
miles I had
many
been
spent
walk
began my
to
for the
trek back
liquor,cab
and
to
All my
oranges,
on
dead
"
or
I had
to
notifysomebody
badlywounded.
that Harris
had
money
I had
so
down
I stumbled
as
My feet complainedbitterly
ready to drop from exhaustion momentarily.But
go
science
con-
my
the
road,
I had
was
to
to
either
head-
no
on.
From
hat
pulledover
on,
my
greatest exhibition
I walked
with
coat-collar up,
my
givingwhat
imaginable o" a
consider
the
derelict lost in
the
eyes,
my
now
woods.
of fear running all over
the cold sweat
I
Shakily,
me,
reached the hotel,ready to pack up and sneak out
finally
all jumbled.Could the whole
of town.
My thoughtswere
have been a ghastlyjoke? No.
matter
Everythinghad
worked
too
smoothlyfor that. But if it was, I'd soon find
of the boys would have been in on it,and one
Most
out.
of them
bound
was
seemed
be the best
to
Silence,in
away.
lipsand
what
from
lips.
bunch
be
to
meant
was
any
case,
policy.
I strolled,
a forced
lobby,therefore,
Into the
my
give it
to
smile
my
whistling
tune,
merry
on
of the
were
boys,an unusuallylargegathering,
all clustered near
the door. They seemed to be waitingfor
As I approached,
of them spoke
one
somethingor someone.
up:
look
"You
of the
Some
littlepale,
Al."
broken
ribs
should
and
as
at
have
to
heard
least nine
test
them,
them.
of them
result of their
They
fered
suf-
uproarious
laughter.
They stoppedlong enough to tell me the entire story,
and I'm stilllookingfor a fall guy to pullit on, it was
so
of the
good. I found out that Walter Johnson and some
others
were
readyto
hidden
shoot
as
alongthe steps of
whizzed by.They
the
did
porch with
"
all but
guns,
Johnson,
off the
the
there
porch,
passionate
really
What
"Hey,
Al.
Even
find
if
out
claimed
lost
like
would
and
great
to
she's
if I
actor
hidden
players
should
what
gang
in
have
scene.
is
How's
the
trigger. Besides
watching
that, joke
now,
keep
they couldn't
over,
every
in
once
when
while,
shout:
will
in
appear
love
leaping
I made
figure
other
sixteen
house
hurts
themselves.
to
pull the
were
the
opposite
the
sillyat
so
couldn't
lot
been
he
porch,
the
by
himself
laughed
who
it
Back!
Come
Lover,
Margie.?"
Tampa
NiARG/"
see
as
missed
when
Margie
good
looking
anything.
young
day.
some
And
Bucky
woman
as
Harris"
took
like
would
up
the
to
Harris
stage
baseball.
ENTER,
Although
note
hidden
that my
One
year,
roster
talents
the
other language
well),I
too
none
find
There
is
play a single
cannot
had
that
we
Cuban
two
Torres,
pitcher,
on
ball
that
town.
had
two
the Cubans
When
of their
City decided
the
came
the
to
in
were
plantedin
at
seat
near
the
tc|
oil
Commerce
with
of the
do with
center.
ouri
on
Torres
City;
in droves
team
Span
it,too.
nice
Whatever
Spanish.
of Ybor
The
me.
probablyhad something to
few
dais and
and
Acosta
outspoken member
most
invited
theynaturally
ish Indian
honor
to
sively
exclu-
countrymen
own
City,;
almost
Spanishwas
Ybor
Being
wej
Here
called Ybor
Tampa
cheer
dinner.
playerson
catcher. It is seldom
down
to the trainingcamp
they came
the Chamber
of
these boys.Finally,
team,
Margie,
met
settlement in
cigar manufacturingcenter.
learned
two.
Cuban
spoken in
me
brought out.
were
Cuban
one
blessed with
regarded
am
I almost
citywhere
Senators
Acosta,
"
that you
o" any
althoughI
the
Tampa,
in
was
were
that
word
genius of
the
speak a
XII
the
on
It
cannot
And
linguist.
master
PROFESSOR!
English (and
except
as
THE
supper,
moment
up
to
th'
In front of
m^
I could hear
was
in
Spanish and
beganto
on
u^
that
me
should
perhapsI
send
for
out
interpreter.
Not
accustomed
jp, I leaned
beingouttalked
to
the
to
over
the
gentleman
Cuban
ater
learned,was
:rom
for
Washington especially
Fo make
answered
sh.
in
me
They
loise for
stood
there
up
for
attempt
through it
sit
to
as
dais,waving
solid hour.
They
ailed
spoke"
in
But
on.
while
arms
too
much
made
mad
dramatic
For
at
least
half
he
was
theycalled on
but they had
For
hone
me.
moment,
unable
went
hour,
the
familiar
consul
tribute to
fitting
do it with
to
League,
he
what
note
in
my
mind.
I remained
either
ranted
completelyexhausted.
me,
to
struck
words
bewildered
down,
sat
or
under-
gestures, he
couldn't comprehend
Although I
about, the
Ireadymuch
ng,
was
things.Every once
quick at catching
hit the table with his fist and shout,
am
he would
Jaseball Club.
hat
was
right,
my
Vcosta,
Torres,catch,Washington,American
pitch,
le
Span-
their
with
Talkingloudly,
on.
and
vas
got
we
and
rose
the
on
far
as
consul,the gentleman on
the Cuban
Then
to
me
that's
nothingof.
tood
"n
here
occasion.
momentous
toastmaster
speakershe
the
vildly,
raving away
orced
my
brought down
this
Spanish,and
speechesbegan.The
Spanish.All
consul
chirp
right,who, I
to
crowd
the
or
on
chance
conversation,I said:
"Nice
He
with
talk
or
I figuredit
Finally,
one
It
was
of my
When
then
stand-
gestures.
motionless
gesture, which
out.
on.
is very strange
Everybodyelse spoke in
Through Baseball
Clowning
114
Spanish,
why should
I be different? I'llspeak in
Spanish
too.
I raised
Dramatically,
arm
for silence.
chaketa, sapalanto,
loreto,"I orated,wavin;
"Lamoutra,
my
my
"Safinko, moresanta,
violently.
arms
American
Washington
League
trotata, Torres
quila,
moresepo,
en
sapiento,tra
savanta,
catch
pitcl
L'Acosta
Washington
can
Ameri-
League baseball."
gestures became
Steadily,
my
voice
grev
louder.
louder and
"Molay
weirder, my
sapintachequoi somolo
moreta
catch
pitchTorres
ball" Bushwa"
Washington"
Nuts"
rAcostj
amoson
American
League"
Bast
Espaniol."
MOUV
MOR"Ta
^N^SHlM""TON
With
almost
that,and
fierce slam of my
dislocated my
knuckles, I
fiston
sat
the table
down,
whicl
somewh
speechv^^hichwas, in my opi
consul
ion anyway,
exact
an
duplicateof the Cuban
applausegreeti
speech,only much shorter. Tremendous
the Cubans
rocb
the finish and for fullyfive minutes
from
fatigued
the house
The
this tiresome
consul,however,
toastmaster,
I heard
him
was
ask
puzzled.Leaning over
in perfect
English:
to
ii6
play a piano?What
silly
question.Why, I can
and play by ear, but I have
beat the devil out of an octave
And anyhov^,I'm supposedto clow^n on this bill,
a bad ear.
and this will be as good a chance as any to do my act."
I
"Can
convinced, he
from
Far
proceededto
frock coat,
get
painteda
hair,and
When
it
handkerchief
I then
Elman's
our
in my
on
me
sleeve,mussed
RachmaninofJ's
accordingto
nonetheless.
littleFrench-looking
mustache
waited
was
consented
set
turn
arrangement,
sadlyannounced:
"Ladies and gentlemen: It
on
went
stage, the
ager,
man-
the floor
onto
and
have
to
will
announce
train and
is with
not
be with
us
missed
tonight.However,
we
his
are
fortunate
take his
in
place."
(CHIMIN!/
I made
delighted.
They cheered wildlyas
Looking as serious as I could possibly
seemed
audience
The
entrance.
my
117
and
in
grave
said:
tone,
and
"Ladies
composition
you
of three
composition consist
num-
and ze
Butterfly,
Hungarian Rhapsody, Madam
Symphony in C minor. I playze three difficultnumbaires
baires,ze
all at
time. I sank
one
Amid
you."
I sat down
applause,
more
of
the mannerisms
from
and
memory,
thrown
and
down,
few
my
all over
strewn
was
face took
my
with
on
doing.Every
by luck,that
my
and
now
sounded
the
dramatic
head
keys.I
from
running
out
to
was
this
of the
hit
burst into
a
octave,
an
My
eyes, and
in my
laughterat
comedy
stunned
act
the
by
"
was
purely
any
ment"this
mo-
kept pummelling
tenseness
The
tomfoolery.
and
audience
Rhapsody.
my
masquerade go
on
the
keyboard to
keys,I floppedface
of
them.
RapidlyI went
other, and finally,
the floor.
onto
It
end
one
hands
like music.
silence that
long could
keys.My
delightin what
then, I would
greetedmy
wrapped up in
completely
How
muster
innovations
bobbing with
forehead and
supposedto be
was
I could
own
the
at
of fiendish
look
was
of my
all
piano.With
pianistthat
traveled up
hair
classical
the
at
then
was
and
You
should
have
the
comic
note
Risingfrom
"As
much
the
as
like
to
silence and
playfor
you
announced:
another
com-
Clowning
ii8
it
position,
I
have
ees
catch
to
boat
ze
zat
urgent
veree
Through
catch
for
train
for
England
to
to
Baseball
York.
New
before
recital
geev
keeng."
ze
happy.
had
the
in
didn't
"You
while
whispered
"
'He
technique
yours
might
is
when
playing,
in
be
terrible
my
the
an
by
me
Al.
stepped
elderly
Clark
Mrs.
minute,
you
and
again
surprised
for
me
house
hotel,
the
audience,
were
you
the
at
fool
of
walk
crazy
back
Later,
been
me
down
brought
That
really
was
Griffith,
who
saying:
that
recognized
the
on
stage.
sitting
woman
But
next
to
ear:
French
great
and
he
seems
pianist,'
slightly
she
off
said,
key
'but
tonight.'
his
"
PILGRIM'S
Rotund,
PROGRESS!
Miley
Jack
jovial
I will
is
of the
one
friend and
as
XIII
take him
never
for
country'sablest
admire
ride
his writing
again.He
of
gratitude.
In 1937, I quitcoaching,
not
by popularrequest as you
volition. Here was
would
but of my own
readilyassume,
one
job I had I wasn't fired from and it wasn't the old
before the boss shouted "You're
"I quit,"
story of yelling
has
no
sense
fired!"
be that the
It may
been
have
may
my
wanderingbug
desire
reputationas
my
my
fame, if any,
not
be selfish.Here
as
the American
to
I decided
what
the
same
nut
clown
then and
and
there
reallywas
Thus,
in the world
the
had
it struck
coachingHues.
by far outgro\\Ti
me
that I should
comedy
ing.
coach-
country
chargethem
see
for it
it was,
it
again or
restricting
my wonderful
was
League
Schacht
time.
on
gray
coach,and
me
get somewhere
to
Anyway,
bit
at
the
"
either.
Aprilof
firsttour
starting
my
of the country, Miley had the good fortune of takinga
litde tripwith me.
He's very luckyhe went
then, because
In
119
Clowning Through
120
reallywarmed
I hadn't
that
ride with
can
he would
he
wrote
he
Peoplemight
York
"A
truth
there's some
have
kept
it
himself.
to
from
the
New
of
case!
mental
what's more,
that the whole
so
trip,
impression.
reprintingJack'scolumn
Daily News
late to do
not
could
swore
herewith
I'm
but he
me
again.And
car
everybody
graciousabout
very
judge.I'lladmit
but he
wrote
it isn't
thank
what
in
foot in my
world
not
onlydidn't
not
set
never
Jack was
me.
yet but
up
Baseball
Pilgrim's
Progress!
"By Jack Miley
try
"Raleigh,N. C, April6. Travelingthroughthe counwith Al Schacht,the Clown
is just
Prince of Baseball,
"
like
note:
"
would
curious
diamond
member
And
bunch
of
I think
"
restful than
more
Al. In
monkeys [Editor's
the
tossers
coconut
misguidedmoment
in
New
with
that] except
resent
be
down
to
around
hanging
York
with
find
to
him. I
what
out
reallyis.
of the Not
if you
wish
I'llsend you
am
agreed,I think,because
now
Dull
joinyou
to
of
manner
an
Moment
must
this zany
man
organizerand
Schacht
with
mail
me
your
drive
to
was
of the
charter
Club!
dues
and
countersigns.
Everythinghas happened since we shoved off from Tampa
land
Sunday afternoon! By the time we tool through that HolTunnel
I expect to be just as daffyas Al, for his
ailment
"But
is
contagious.
let us
start
at
the
When
play-by-play.
plete
beginningand giveyou the comAl and I steppedout of the Tampa
Pilgrim'sProgress!
with
Hotel
Terrace
during the
the ball
sweetie
or
of
some
her
to
boarded
she bade
you
Al
began to beef
'Yeah, you
replied.
had
*Me?' I
etiquette.
that!' he grinned.'You
*I
never
seemed, heard
were
we
my
north
was
his breach
of
giving me
good for
his girl,
he rewas
plied,
life.'The
lady,it
do
thoughtshe
headed
fond
her name?'
don't be
sports writers
her before in
saw
about
us
'That
What's
"
I said I
When
yourselves.'
there,chum.
justas
me,
this
seen
niftylittlenumber
asked
sonville
Jack-
to
I had
for Memphis.
sleeper
gorgeous
Tampa
me.
railroad station,
where
the Jacksonville
farewell and
roadster. I wondered
drive from
he didn't introduce
found
of his black
seat
two-hundred-mile
why
spouse
luggage,we
our
in the front
blonde
121
and
pretty
justclimbed
into
machine.
our
"We
singing softlybehind
game.'Had
this
in the rumble
seat
sat
lookingobjectyou ever
the pink elephantshad
the
out
me
the ball
to
of the window.
peeredout
He
crooner.
for
and
saw,
had
and
moment
tion
addi-
There
the damnedest
was
with
caught up
wore
take
fellow,Schacht,ventriloquist
giftsin
to
*Oh,
me,
somebody
me.
thought
The
full dress
yodeler
suit with
man
park ten
to
New
too.'
began.'I
days ago and
York.
When
'Aw, Al,
met
you
asked
you
you
you
in
the
remember
St.
if you
said you
were,
were
me,' the
ball
Petersburg
drivingback
I decided
to
go
122
"There's
much
not
is
and
soft-spoken
speak up.
'He
youngster,
'and
if he
me
and
that he
as
he
has
taken
littledeaf,the stowaway
kind
at him
constantly
yelling
complex,'says
inferiority
an
wasn't
going
the
don't
his way
sorta
to
New
to
to
up
name
the
is
ride with
his
he'd mind
suppose
run
Schacht
gives me
like that,so
case
hitchhiker
confirmed
don't know
we
All I know
dislike to Schacht. Al is
of
do in
can
stowaway
that he
you
and
sible
respon-
for me.'
"Al's queer
South
inn
idea of
Carolina
nightand
over
the stowaway
at
comedy nearlygot
this
town
when
another
on
to
stoppedat
joinSchacht
tle
litan
and
sturdycitizens,
of their hip pockets.
vicinity
from
of a black eye I won
vestiges
week, they regardedme gravelyand began
last
followingme
down
I stillretain
the Cards
in
jailed
morning. We'd
came
with suspicious
bulgesin the
Since
him
the
around.
leg of
I asked
our
When
we
checked
and
out
journey,theytrailed us
to
started
the
edge
kiddinga waitress
and I guess she got scared and called the cops,'
laughed Al.
she broughtme
'When
of those
I put one
my orange juice,
Al Capone scowls on
puss and whisperedto her out
my
of the corner
of my mouth, 'Say,sister,
a
you don't know
good bank around here we could hold up, do you?'
"Schacht has a strange tongue he speaksto bewilder the
but it is neither.
peasants. It sounds like Spanishor Italian,
of
town.
Moe
Berg, erudite
closest
to
pal,says
some
Al
peons
pickedup
in Mexico.
this weird
'It is
is Schacht's
Sox, who
as
ing
jargon after listennutty
as
he is,'
says
124
to
who
guy
that much
covers
It
territory.
aflord the
alone.
traveling
There
chauffeur
could
something about
be
must
of them
none
"
luxuryof
drive
"
to
and
that gave
me
until
not
was
do my
thus, in
me
away
soft touch,or
But
and
well educated
was
though it
day,when
my
sold
as
to
trick
Going
an
at
I take him
this
on
would
be
but my
company,
have
been
what
He
psychic.
asked
sad,mournful
was
me
look
patheticnote.
My
After all,he
soft,big heart yielded.
and
if
fellow
a
to hook
ride,he should be
ability
took the playcompletely
away from
and
I will resort
Louisiana, for
Shreveport,
from
Dallas. There
guy'sface,and
said no,
head
Wind,
taughtme.
must
to
the
fellow
approachedby a shabby-looking
was
station. He
gas
would
with
Gone
Dallas,Texas,
to
appearance,
a
hitchhiker
was
copiesas
many
the ways
to
has
enough selling
rewarded.
me.
He
This
fellow
tale.
must
have
traveled
chum, holdinghis
"If
off."
onlyI
knew
head
where
in his hands
there
was
and
a
shouting:
I'd jump
high bridge,
Pilgrim'sProgress!
by
Startled
125
the
be the trouble,young
to
seems
man?"
I asked
after a while.
wailed:
he
Sobbing,chokingly,
I let it go
I made
up
for
and
understand
wouldn't
"You
understand."
that,thinkingperhapshe had
at
mind, however,
my
not
to
rode in
miles,we
ten
some
wouldn't
you
"
toothache.
high bridge,
silence. Then, he
a
pass
tense
am
do?
to
What
"Are
sick?"
you
so
are
willingto
work.
my
kids. Here
do
anything to
How
was
he
on
make
story
"
"Keep
your
That
terly.
bit-
to
that
Maybe, I
to
see
me
for
week
I can't find
her
tonightand
break
yet."
little,
although he kept
the
two
him
hotel,and
more,
later,going back
over
with
help me
feelingsorry
I gave
dollars,
him
R\c.
He might
thought.
if he finds
jump off that highbridge,
About
and
highlyemotional voice,
Dallas. I had
I reached
after he asked
work
quiet him
in
to
nothingdoing."
pullingat my heart-strings
in
seemed
enough
starving
of
the verge
is done
she's
livingbut
wife when
same
utters
it can't be
"Now,
even
strong
am
Every word
and
my
I face my
can
to
By
do?'* he moaned
I asked.
"No," he groaned,"but
have
to
now.
frightened
really
was
and
am
one.
the
same
road, I
126
stoppedat
was
me,
for
that
"Oh,
the road. I
him
see
often
dawned
on
he's got
new
thrill and
it was
of them
many
with
these
without
them
gas
Charles,
began to
this station,
one
the
sees
the road.
on
attendant looked
my
four
located
finally
because
give
tearingat
Lake
to
to
reallygentlemen.
that
difficulty
attention
I'll
hours, my
for business. A
chiminto.
"Sacato,jalapo,
to
And
leavingTulsa about
me,
some
littleconversation,I said
The
were
of
two
individuals,
rough-looking
lurkingin
passedtwo
Driving
a
you'vegot
ing,
liv-
second
act
an
encountered.
out, and
I had
ever
two
run
for
hitchhiking
hitchhikers.
take what
These
heart-strings.
in the
nice racket
the acquaintanceof
made
to
road
story.
admit
I made
the
have
your
down
I
holdup men
that I preferthem
was
same
the nicest
bit of
and
ridingup
clowning.He
Not
ever
he's part of
"Why
me
in the field of
none
traveler
if he had
man
answered.
man
givingeverybodythe
to
traihng
day."
better than
even
"
been
before.
guy," the
probablytwice
It then
the station
inquiredfrom
this fellow
seen
had
my
ride. I
there,as if he
car
aforementioned
at
opportunityfor
cheerfully:
Fill 'er up, chief."
me
as
if I
were
crazy
but proceeded
waiting,I noticed
sizingme
up.
Perhaps
Pilgrim'sProgress!
they'veseen
127
somewhere
me
thought.After all,I'm
in
famous
one
a public
personality,
figure.
fellows
jumped
each side. My
to
lean
and
up
top
onto
"Keep going,"theyordered
chance
me
ask them
to
of them
these
so,
on
able
were
car.
if they meant
as
do
to
to
it,not
giving
sit down.
to
keptgoing.
Stunned, I
couldn't
imagine what
that this
think,however,
the woods
far and
it
scared
with
car
ended
my
the thick
This is
nice of them
had
visioned
in my
going
was
too
able
was
of the woods.
was
to
so
as
"Stopthe
one.
and
car
get
out.
field
myselftied
to
let me
day
while
to
tree
in
my
while
on
the
secret.
feet shook
theymade
My imagination
with
fear. I
their getaway
car.
have
can
ask you
courage
and
for time,
stalling
like
to
something."
and
baseball. My
since I had
been
through
widelypublicized
Oklahoma, they might know
something about
figuredthat
Texas
This
leadinginto
quickly.
"Fellows,"I said,pickingup
"you
side road
miles
two
holdup!"
was
questions,so
work.
to
suspense
right,"
theysaid
"All
into
I didn't
on.
about
that
difficulty
some
into
for
I drove
murder.
reflexes refused
my
They
was
the
maneuver
It
"
going
was
the time
was
both
so
the
into
quite comfortably
I had
car.
my
down,
was
parks,I
name
was
household
word
in that part of
128
of
"Are
lived in
holdup men
know
certainly
takingmy car.
would
out
if
who
Maybe
was.
house, they
you
"My
is Al Schacht."
name
They
weren't
"We
don't
interested in baseball.
who
care
days.You
two
Hand
the
over
I handed
$8i
over
did
through all my
all my
good
where
dough
They
car.
my
no
talk. We
to
to
and be
get
to
seem
I
pockets.
some
money,
trust
in
we
don't.
it."
me,
convinced
two
eaten
stillworried
was
them
about
for
they went
that they had
money.
haven't
quickabout
in cash but
not
of the
you
for
money
"You
about
me
letting
have
gas?"
firmly.
I
had
that while
pointedout
some
five hundred
"Well, how
much
miles
do you
tank
my
to
was
go.
think you
need
to
get there?"
was
"Five
They
about
handed
me
"
the
it.
meekly.
it was
five,
least.
at
into the
car
the main
car
and ordered
gently,
in
road. This time they joinedme
to drive to the main
the best of pals,
front seat, and three abreast,
we
proache
ap-
Back
the
say
me
to
so
happy, I
theyshoved
highway.I
me,
happy I stillhad
from clowninga bit.
was
couldn't refrain
but
my
Pilgrim'sProgress!
"How's
business,fellows?"
somethingabout
"This
is my
up, you
inquired,anxious
to
learn
business I knew
first job,"the
promptlyreceived
"Shut
129
dig in
nothingabout.
and
one
replied,
younger
fool!" he almost
his
mate.
yelled.'
MOWABOUT
LETTING
ME
HAVE
AVONEY
P^CMlGAS
Hittingthe highway, I
the side of the road.
the car, got
"Get
out
and
noticed
They
asked
climbed
small
in
me
Ford
parked off
nice way
to
stop
"and
me,
keep
your
trap
shut."
I rode
away
and
my
and
shouted:
feelingmuch
charming company.
if
"Hey fellers,
dough!"
you
ever
lighterrelieved
"
I waved
get
them
rich, send
of my
cash
cheerygood-by,
me
back
my
Through
Clowning
I30
With
am
reached
now
the
stepped
junk
allergic
it
my
to
to
their
hitchhikers
I
hard
car
gas
with
where
stage
in
the
on
car
my
find
stowaways
much
comparing
start
that
to
it
is
will
get
make
they
sure
wouldn't
Ford.
and
holdup
for
stop
along
difficult
Baseball
to
with
hide.
one,
no
me.
men.
and
There
have
even
is
so
132
of
returned. He
banana
slappeda
in front
me.
"Me
a
Manchu
Fu
when
have orange
no
that
placidity
was
of argument,
Disgusted,seeing the futility
I settled for
the banana.
Returning
to
car, I
my
of the dirtiest
jumping
were
never
in
seen
feel proud
the
humble
or
knowing
at
seen.
if
they stared
me
whether
asked
I should
where
him
startled,
surprised
me,
to
was
they had
I picked
scrutiny,
talk,and answered
if I
Obviously,
teen
by sixThey
with
me
shrug
do
to
navigating.
own
saw
spot I had
thought.It
Here
I
in
in the
seven
which
any
tainside,
moun-
most
lated
popu-
can't be it,I
all
was
fifteen hundred.
some
to
more
me
as
than
hiding.I discovered
they were
me
sleepat all,scheduled
looked
populationof
and
It took
the
was
seen
without
town
cluster of houses. It
the
was.
was,
have
time
to
locate the
to
if it couldn't
hundred
later the
who
man
form
persibly
pos-
all told
"
population
had
hired
are
they saw
looked
He
was.
ever
kangaroosas
I could
of his shoulders.
me
when
I have
lookingkid and
intelligent
most
perhaps,that
At
like
before,and
car
Pennington Gap
my
down
even
out
lookingkids
and
up
discovered it surrounded
all the
ball game
peoplecoming
from
who
"You'll be
he
surprised,"
said
even
are
see
going
a
ball
helpfully.
to
see
this
park."
Wuthering Heights
"This
is
fine time
133
for
I yelled.
"That's all
surprises/*
gettingall morning."
"don't
"Al," he declared cheerfully,
I've been
Do
and
guarantee
there's
lot of
that
see
you
you'll
get
coal mine
good
if you
those miners
I looked
pep
it.I
want
in the
there. It would
went
there
up
do
to
you
peak
mountain
do
at
I made
worry.
me
favor.
distance?
Well,
attendance
our
and
time
noon
you
gave
talk."
the mountain
peak.I
dizzyjustlooking.
how do we
"And
that I
not
get up there?" I inquired,
wanted to go, but merely out of curiosity.
"On
a
cable,"he said simply.
"How
this cable?" I asked, and
I go up on
high must
added a sample of my inimitable humor. "Wouldn't
it be
simplerto send them a telegram?"
He laughed.This guy'sall right,
I thought,
but I changed
quickly.
my mind
"Oh, it's only four thousand feet,Al,'*he said.
I almost passedout.
"This requires
a little
thought,"I declared diplomatically
Well, I won't say I will,and
"Only four thousand feet
this as I'm not a
I won't say I won't, but don't depend on
climber. I feel faint justthinkingabout it."
mountain
his face at
A look of deep disappointmentspread over
The guy was
hurt by my attitude. I conanswer.
vinced
really
my
at
mere
"but firstI
must
four thousand
got
think
feet after
at noon,"
definitely
laymy weary body down
know
or
to
better about
littlesleep.
I comforted
for
numbed
see
him,
nap."
my
the fellow.
senses.
Clowning Through
134
Baseball
the way
On
the way,
"By
this
to
over
have
cable,I
him
traveled
ever
you
asked
on
have started
when
"And
it.It
at
on
going
where
was
to
I could
it
sure
can
stand
eyes and
my
was
I didn't
guy
want
to
who
down, of
duced
in-
course.
down.
started
sunrise,wc
halfway
approximately
kerchief
longer.I rippedthe handdown. I was
hanging from
no
looked
companion
jump. We
what they mean
feet touched
at
were
I wouldn't
understand
go
be shot
and my
with
nearlycollapsed
do
to
man
We
make
When
and
who
president,
as
me
I must,
going
now
blindfold
slow, drearyclimb.
ofE my
to
to
there when
to
and
out
my
Blindfolded,like
the
times
smart.
was
line stretched
with me,
up
me
up,
an
anyway,
He
hundred
and fearfully
I gazed
finally,
angle of seventy-five
degrees.The
that tremendous
see
the cable
at
built
was
sightof
was
this cable
up
go
arrived
We
to
Mother
Earth
relief.I
was
reached
by
had
to
hold
the "Last
four thousand
up there
me
now"
mile."
feet up,
all I had
Wuthering Heights
Still a bit
small and
a
weak,
gas
There
on
when
I could
and
stories,
get
feelingbetter
"
bottom
in
climb,I
decided
vowing
that
as
to
me
I told them
"
several baseball
farewell.
They
left ^reluctantly.
me
gave
"
It looked
on.
up
down.
to
get
I would
long as
have
must
narrated
temporary
I
as
been
I was,
Sitting
me.
reached
Praying all the way, we
safety.
Wobbly after this eight-thousand-foot
tougher going
ground
listen
to
someone
cheer
cable had
mine
they immediatelysurrounded
bid them
tremendous
"
seemed
blew
president
running from everywhere out of
about eight
hundred of them, all with
^funnypeople.They were
obviously
brilliant comedian
The
hats
Suddenly,the
coal cart,
down
what
me.
were
as
was
came
jetsin their
expectingme
to
empty
whistle. Miners
nowhere.
135
been
some
more
never
was
sleepbefore
again
lift my
time,
game
feet from
the
conscious.
dozing a
half hour
when
was
denly
sud-
awakened
"
seemed
to
cover
seen
rainbows
in my
13^
time
but
never
out
and
reach
Happily,I
drove
one
touch
ball
uniform, jumped
the ball
What
park
hold
to
the Belmont
The
park had
bench
fifteen hundred.
park when
There
I reached
litgas jets.
We
much
clowned
to
"
parison,
com-
originally
hundred.
have
must
^they
cut
it.
town
I learned
as
twelve
it.At
hundred
was
people in
of them
there
nightgame,
millions of
of my
in this littletown
the world.
park in
get
ever
again.The
chance
peoplebut
putting on
career
was
so
They
I'm
were
cable,however,
is
back
out.
to
I have
nice
of the
one
before
show
my
with
very
going
I got
the
biggest
peopleand if
Pennington Gap
asked for waivers
it.
Just as
been
a
were
greatest kicks
on
Grounds
light.
I have
it
and
vi^ere
ball
Polo
seatingonly two
"
Virginiato build
populationof this mining
The
the
"
here.
ranges
which
grandstand
in
tree
every
happen
mountain
Stadium,
look
one
the home
thought was
Yankee
the
was
but
anymore,
two
and
car
experiences
my
that it could
me
the
Race
there
up
convinced
"
big enough
and
startle me
between
park ^planted
could almost
into the
park. I thought,after
today,that nothingcould
at
close you
so
it.
got into my
the
to
big and
so
some
scared of
common
imagine my
cable,I was
honey.
to blondes,I have
always
allergic
anythingover ground level. Even a tripin
are
guys
elevator
when
feelings
forced
the
gives me
to
make
not
my
whammies,
so
you
can
incident of the
firstairplane
trip.It
was
Wuthering Heights
I had
to
reach
137
for
Detroit
an
and
appearance
the
only
leaving
airport,
planeI could catch was one from Newark
I got into the planeand my
calm courat midnight.
age
Bravely,
turned to cold fear when
the only pasI noticed I was
senger.
I had
but
desire for
no
nothingcould
taken
be done
with
communion
about
it as the
the
stars,
planehad already
oif
.
passedAlbany
We
slippedby
with
the
Rochester
and
and
the weather
was
beautiful. We
and
the
was
still beautiful,
weather
in my
lap.I was really
practically
gettinga kick out of it when suddenlythe stars disappeared,
the moon
the wings of the planeseemed
vanished, and even
to
blow
stars
up
in
moon
wisp of smoke.
soup,
aerial soup,
thick
as
The
I discovered
smoke, however,
We
quickly.
\Y"T
the
On
and
"Are
verge
of
belabored
we
across
we
worry,
know
with
anxious
This
the
pilot
co-
is
ocean
fog
Paris in time?"
business."
questions:
in
were
and hysteria,
I called
collapse
him
was
blind
many
138
"how
"Well, then,"I suggestedhopefully,
this
ship and
and
Albany,where
turning it
take
"Now
sit with
you
the
ground.You
pilotand
might
and
moon
the
toward
stars
get
listen in
kick
taking
Rochester
shining?"
were
he admonished.
feller,"
it easy,
the
about
don't
"Why
to
the
of it."
out
di-d.
sure
slappedon
the
phones and
ear
was:
"Don't
and
to
try
hundred
two
fiftyfeet."
The
the
pilotkept circling
field.
feet,"the
hundred
"Ceilingthree
to
CeiUng
phonestold
ear
feet do
many
"At
least four
hundred," he replied.
"To
hell with
Buffalo,"I
what
are
need
you
cried.
"Sorry,sir,"he said,"but
"Well
me.
I've got
drop
to
mail."
some
you
it!"
The
thing I
next
I got
of the
out
I had
storms
ground
ever
"Yes, we
"Yes, you
seen
of the
in progress, but I
was
again,are
up
are," he answered
in
tank of
planemany
me
water
was
baseball coach
and
worst
on
the
strangelyenough, Detroit
clown
was
fearfully.
eyelash.
we!'
times since,but
years
a
asked
battingan
firstand
of my
some
you?" I
without
landed.
plane immediately.One
going
not
I have been
into
had
we
didn't mind.
and
"You're
knew
at
previouswhen
with
the
not
scene
the
was
night.
board
still
Senators, and
of
operations.I
Clowning Through
I40
Baseball
firm.
remained
and
lit cigarin my
Then
the
came
"And
comedian, that
master
before
perform.We
tank of
managed
walk
to
though they
tell
tank.
way
cigarstillin
my
same
amazement
on
What
of
down
mouth,
face
I found
exit
climb
have
to
door
under
Drunk
or
back
how
and
ever
time
the
dropped
on
any
but
exactly
place,the
surrounded
girlswho dived
passedthrough some
the
one
by
again.
next
a
lot
going
water
this
fortunately,
do that
the
into
"
stage.
the stage.
sober,I'llnever
like
expressionof
inane
completelyunder
and
edge
only once
most
I don't
twenty
deep.How
seen
whereby
out
only
one
recollection althe
to
and
once
myselfon
emergency
knew
with
"
down
an
knew
plank,some
never
up
thingI
the
ramrod,
came
went
my
Schacht."
staggeredup
StiflFas
the
Al
it is still beyond my
me
tell me
to
out
"
walker.
tight-rope
They
stagedin publicbut
led
water
great diamond
of
give you
by
feet above
gentlemen,that
fearless entertainer
dive,never
can
I had
announcement:
ladies and
now,
his famous
mouth.
tank
had
in didn't
sort
of
ABOUT
ADO
MUCH
Fame
road
paved with
I do
pitfalls.
to clowning
gloryis not,
and laughter.
hilarity
not
of course,
mean,
With
misinforms
me,
ever
beautiful
the very
you
that I do
stillthe greatest
am
the
incidental details,
turning my
as
start
fooled
the
curlyblack
of my
suppose,
press
my
vertise
ad-
agent
riblaugh-provoker,
to
means
would
produce as
not
exceptions,unless
rare
tickler,
etc., who
From
XV
its
has
The
NOTHING!
end, that
locks
premature
colorful career, I
with an
delight,
also a
I am
Fortunately,
rapidly
are
was
gray.
gullible
man
ardent faith in hu-
bit of
philosophic
soul,which counterbalances the unsuspectinggland in me,
and has kept my
sensitive system from
completely
collapsing
nature.
under
the strain of
recent
occurrences.
I cite from
a few
examplesof the thingsthat could happen
history
of the stories strike you as being
onlyto me, and if some
dence.
funny,in a one-sided sort of a way, it is merelya coinciI'm entirely
serious.
search for a chauffeur. The word
It all began with my
I am
chauffeur,
given to understand,is part of the English
in an up-to-date
I looked it up recently
dictionary,
language.
and it was
defined as "a professional
pert
exa high class one;
in the handlingof an automobile." I have even
gone
case
to
the
extent
of
gettingProfessor
of the
linguist-coach
Boston
word
find
apart for
me
to
Red
out
141
Moe
Berg, the
eminent
reallytake the
if it presumeda knowledge
Sox,
to
Through
Clowning
142
Baseball
of
The
get
crack
at
guy
All he did
car.
my
ask
was
me:
gear?"
well-meaning columnist, givingme
what's
"Hey, Al,
A
send-off
on
my
ually
1938 tour, started the entire series of misfortunes by casmentioning that I was in the market for a chauffeur.
and highlyflattering
at the time, applications
As a result,
fan
numbers
officein such
flooded my
that I hire
saved
young
Gable's
put Clark
sisted
friend of mine, however, in-
dear
shame.
to
to
as
me
the trouble of
"Is
night,and
"Don't
very
worry,
expert. I'd
That
trust
fast.
him
with
first stop
was
hop, so
I drove
it
game
Boston
at
to
and
appear
decided
I was
myself.
to
first to
or
two
tour
in
May
start
ball
mediatel
this expert im-
engage
that
slated
give my
to
was
in several Eastern
only a short
for the opening
was
next
League Park,
National
lesson
My
JerseyCity,but
York
New
to
me.
guy's an
life."
own
my
was
friend said,"this
good
Al," my
decided
but
was
too
much
the wheel
as
there is
cop
on
the
corner
turn
re-
final instructions
manager
I
geography.
to
who
may
in
to
at
chase
Much
you
Ado
was
taxi-man, who
to
later I
minutes
floored. There
how
143
why
down
came
and
behind
the wheel
seemed
strange
of my
to
even
parkingthe
he wasn't
see,
I didn't
so
it up."
scratching
Such thoughtfulness
deserved
incident ride with
The
a
boy was really
familyand that counted
hours
I turned
later,
"Buddy," I
declared
lot with
and headed
stoppedfor
hunger, we
Hub
call
Al), he
me
have
take
big
chance
car
on
I let the
chance,so
myself:
lad, too. He
nice
side. Two
my
somewhat
to
to
politely
car.
another
passingremark
and
somethingfishysomewhere."
"There's
at
want
so
me,
Al"
it's brand-new
where
car,
(even my chauffeurs
explained,fidgetingand nervously,"you
"Well, you
almost
was
my
was
park.This
asked him
and
the block
down."
come
Fifteen
Nothing!
minute.
any
until I
About
the
to
fine
me.
and
feur
chauf-
my
later,feelingthe
bite. Well-fed
my
from
came
pangs
of
little lazy
companion.
with
oomph
wheel.
Drive
and
away,
casual
wave
James.
To
of
the
town."
was
144
haven't got
"You
believe my
got
me,
"Did
ears.
license and
I
license,"
I hear
you
you'regoing to
need
don't
you
said
unable to
bitingly,
haven't
You
correctly?
Well, with
in
case
you
driven
never
like yours. I
car
see, I have
"You
only drove
small car."
I HAVEN'T
(-
OOTA
ORIVERl?
I shouted, "all
the difference,"
"What's
If you
just can't
"Oh
see,
"This
deeplyhurt by
Al, I
am
is
decided
risking
my
can
you
no," he defended
yet and
and
one
drive them
are
alike.
all.Maybe, you
drive."
seemed
He
you
drive
can
cars
a
one
haven't had
that. He
was
himself.
"I
can
chance
to
take my
sensitive
boy.
drivingtests
littleshaky."
fine time
then
and
to
there
Hfe. I ordered
him
move
was
over
no
screamed,
time
and
to
be
took the
About
Ado
Much
wheel
Nothing!
again.There
once
to
was
145
be
rest
no
that
day.
the gas
I steppedon
Angry, disgusted,
pent-up
emotions, and
ten
menace
assaulted
of the
out
It
man.
had
cop
to
out
of Providence
out
my
new
was
began
almost
was
over
"
and
car
delays.The
drive
me
miles
let
to
with
conversation
in
midnight and I was
other ideas,however.
policebooth
and
the
got
poUce-
no
mood
for
He
made
me
immediatelycalled
the
going but
the
Chief of Police.
Puzzled, I restrained
impatienceto
my
further
tune
to
get
by whistUng a dreary
I hate dreary
answer.
whistlers.
I committed
"Have
"Say,"I yelled.
that I have
The
cop
to
the Chief
see
Chief
"The
While
the
verge of
way,
The
at
to
himself. I would
Chief and
I cooled
heels. Ten
my
and
casually
over
no
call the
to
longerin
be forced
to
gave
do
with
me
"
huddle
on
chair
my
good
behind
their
later,Chiefy
minutes
the
me
news.
Judge,"he said.
mood
for
diplomacy.This
issue had
head.
"Listen,Chief," I raged,"there
can
be
soon
the
waiting,calling
too
none
strolled
mouth, he kept me
later."
on
frequentintervals. Finally,
contemplatedhomicide,I was saved from the
while
car
monotonous
now
the
at
in
phone:
isn't in
I frothed
Chief
by the
the
robbery
or
of PoHce?"
and
completely,
ignored me
murder
either you
are
jailme
only two
or
give
thingsyou
me
ticket
Clowning Through
14^
for
I
speeding.
will have
Chief
The
Judge must
started
seemed
two
my
dawned
Judge,his
honor
been
playmatesshowed
that I
me
out
playingbridge.After
an
on
locate the
to
The
what
if you
suppose,
Baseball
it suddenly
signsof yielding,
no
too
and
answer,
was
Chief
of Police
"
honor
an
on
me
chauffeur
but
came
my
to
open
and
car
the compartment
apparentlyfell on
words
from
into the
within,and
further
on
instructed
and
hand
deaf
ears.
great
my
the card,
me
Not
sound
I solved
investigation
the
riddle.
There
fast asleep.
hireling,
With
I poked him in the ribs none
too
a
gently.
awoke, and all in one
sweeping motion, jumped
was
my
start, he
up
and
hollered:
"Gee,
I
are
we
already?"
in Boston
the
eventuallyescapedfrom
prospect of
waiting for
chauffeur,who
couldn't
cop,
the
Judge, but
the
I should
chauffeur knew
car
but
he
I drove
been
My next
handling a
Chief, and
was
to
my
Boston
own
and
peacefully
sleeping
more,
he snored.
the
love,which
of
nullified that.
Clowning Through
148
He
given
was
night,while
far
so
we
failed
never
And,
perfect.
he
spoiledmy
for
all
by
in the
play
to
^afterall
what
gratitude,
He
completely.
I
to
liked
sincerely
his
show
to
used
we
o'clock
ten
went
Ranier
skulls
twenty
battingaverage
think
if you
has
and
"
and
guy
we
can't all
did
he
do
"
fore
be-
quit me
am
minute
they
"
borrow
My
will
in
daily
"
collect
"
thousands
in
the entire
able
to
him
myself.The
hold
the crowd
magic
peoplein
West
ear
respective
if you
are
for
even
"
but
you
will
I am,
as
gullible
as
of
cut
should
so
fifty
per
have
cent
made
he
was
also
booked
of
suspicious.
me
Georgia
name
Point, most
us
there wasn't
that
anticipated,
of my
was
almost
that
predicting
State
of the gross
enthusiastic,
wiring
of the progress
of posters and
park
hundred
was
grab your
many
tremendous
promoter
gates and
bit
country
missed
their
to
the tickets.
is almost
that alone
and
receipts,
cent
convince
printup
to
who
guaranteedthe
the
only
called West
town
let them
to
not
the money
manager,
I haven't
years
of million-dollar
enough
tell you
this great
in
town
Ricard. Without
they dream
unfortunate
bad, let me
are
Every
local Tex
names,
But
chauffeurs
sports promoters.
ours
me
one
chauffeur.
about
"
him
him.
thought of firing
even
But
of
"
be
and
me
challenge
top of Mount
on
But
me.
and
out
get
forgavehim
of temperament,
even
drivingthrough the desert,
were
to
as
outbursts
to
Baseball
which
drew
of them
would
began
to
ball
basebe
believe
a
approximately
on
passes.
Ado
Much
About
should
That
ofiice genius
tales of
and
"I lost
have
ended
149
with
relationship
my
belabored
he
rightthere,but
the box-
with
me
alibis
woe.
lot of money
chance?
another
me
Nothing!
this,"he moaned.
on
West
Point
is
bad
"Please
give
for baseball
town
hot
baseball
an
His
of the
would
me
in West
what
amateur
ball
games
park!"
at
Griffin made
Point. He
plasterevery
at
paintingrosy pictures.
deeply,and his glowing description
was
profits
waiting in
the debacle
that he
^why even
"
capacitycrowds. And
they draw
What
that is
town
tree
pletely
forgetcom-
me
pointedout, further,
for miles
the newspapermen
around
with
throughoutthe
ritory
ter-
him
I had
barrageof adjectives
give him
Thus,
from
my
next
somewhere
other choice
weeks
I set
later,
"Here
The
the
trees,
Maybe
down
for
out
Griffin,
Georgia,
my
handsome
the
joyous
profile
voices
of
comes
be
agreedto
shout:
however,
of
town
thriving
must
in
"
date.
open
two
some
no
some
were
as
Griffin,
only silence greetedme.
the advance
the posters
I entered
to
was
so
from
early.
too
the crowd
keep
There
to
tear
overflowingthe
stadium.
Hopefully,I parked
drug
store,
where, I
was
the
car
and
walked
certain,I would
into
be
the
local
immediately
Clowning Through
150
Baseball
of my
rank.
before
Never
in
illustrious career
my
w^as
so
whelmingly
over-
received.
"What
'11 you
asked
have, stranger?"cordially
the lonesome
proprietor.
could
You
almost hear
my
the
blow.
"This
is
Griffin,
Georgia?" I inquiredhumbly.
SCHACHT?
/
"Sure
he
is, stranger!"
N"VER
HEARD
"Greatest
replied.
littletown
in
Georgia."
"Fm
sure
great
day
what
with
on
folks
for you
a
at
and
ball game
dryly."This
should
be
the ball
Al
hand."
"There's
who
it is,"I commented
no
hereabouts,mister,"he
ball game
is Al Schacht
"Forget that I
meekly."You do
"
heard of him."
never
mentioned
even
have
said. "And
ball
the
name," I declared
Much
Ado
said
"Yep,"
miles
That
About
he, "I
o"
out
the
so-called
local paper
the
the
kind
enough
ball
park
and
Schacht
of Alexander
name
about
park
give
to
sell
to
only
not
but didn't
teen
four-
often."
it very
use
was
weekly, which
"
ball
don't
They
town.
151
recall
to
seem
that. He
was
to
Nothing!
me
didn't
of
copy
mention
have
even
tions
direc-
me
sports
page.
I should
road
but
By the
first
as
none
other
him,
than
"
it,there
you
It
smile
swept
and
I
One
cried,"I'm
show
might not
was
then
afforded
thought it was
in
away
greet
me
the gate
at
me
barn
pasture.
cow
was
to
put
his
hand
my
should
on
have
show
in
joy.
thought
packed house."
to
was
game
my
at
became
face. He
pumped
stood
approached
as
o'clock. The
two
glanced at
"You
triumph.
hand, and
over
sure
up. We
scheduled
was
to
he
park
surroundings,I finally
later
He
figureof bustlingactivity.
"Boy,"
the ball
friend,the promoter.
my
benign
at
the
on
never
the gate,
to
up
look
hour
wounds
of my
scene
immediate
an
lick my
a
completelyhidden
I drove
And
the
and
my
stadium
almost
"
I will
of
to
demanded
been
of God
view
spottedthe
at
have
grace
good
then
town
aching ego
my
should
which
left
have
at
start
at
three
two-thirty.
that number
noticed
rest.
sold many
it appears,"I remarked
tickets,
casually.
"Oh, that's nothing,Al," he bubbled. "They
last minute
here.
They'llbe pouring
in
on
at
come
us
any
the
min-
clowning Through
152
"What
happened to
I asked. "How
do
you
to
the
Baseball
publicity?"
don't
"Oh, don't
he
meant
vv^orry about
it,"I have
UATE
COME
HERE^ \ ?/
tow^n
and
they
You
promised to spreadthe news.
just wait and see the
placefillup."
Just then, a couple of farmers strolled over, merely out
of
and
curiosity,
waving
his batch
my
host pounced on
them,
enterprising
of tickets. They entered into heated
Much
About
Ado
debate,which
the
ended
"You
how
see
he
as
jubilantly
pricebut
No
was
"I had
time
quite some
off. At
drove
tickets in
the
his
stillthere
the
smile
Beasts,in
1922 Series?
Well,
the courtesy
acts
It
to
there
up
was
time.
failed
to
If you
and
dinner.
And
if you
one
believable
un-
lighter
advantage of
date
have
for
an
in
always coming
stole my
that
show
was
on
All-Star
of my
barnstorming
that
the
afternoon
"
for
the
meaning
show
lunch, they'll
the
the
have
even
team,
appointment
into
in
stoppedone
don't know
arrive. Mexicans
a
the
that didn't
dog
in 1935, when
morning, they'llarrive
We
American-League
have
his
on
^there's little
"
take
to
cow
in
cow
four
that
goat
was
an
my
almost
an
stooges
learned
promptlydisappeared.
with
But
up.
on
fortunately,
and
tour
had
with
another,were
the
show
Mexico,
car
me.
or
life. Remember
my
see,
taunt
form
one
my
longer
confidence
of
and
were,
"
animals, you
harass and
half hour
by
crowd
animals
them
difference between
side. Even
made
probablystillthere.
with
adventures
part. I had
my
hadn't showed
teams
hand,
faith. He's
to
in half
"
me,
let them
to
I waited
ago.
My
marvel
would
what
see
on
necessary
the
passedby, and even
friend,the promoter, was
of
begun with
into the park.
I sold them."
merely to
and
it had
justas suddenlyas
rejoinedme.
comment
decision
153
customers
two
Nothing!
up
in
ten
^maybe
"
of
for
the
about
o'clock.
were
playinga
afternoon I
went
series of games
to
as
bullfight
in Mexico
the guest of
City
a
and
famous
Clowning Through
154
big honor
"
declined
decided
invitation
an
to
the kill,
the toreador threw
and
"
put
on
handed
of my
own
his
me
take his
to
one
Baseball
his
me
bloody sword.
the
placein
kind of
but
arena
before
bullfights
the
following
Sunday.
struck a popular note
My decision,properlypublicized,
the favorite
throughout the city,since bullfighting
was
sured.
assport, and long before Sunday arrived,a sellout was
Preparing for
farmer
about
three miles
outside
arrangements
of
with
bring in an
at noon
old,fat cow
Sunday.I gave him four days'notice
and even
that should have been plentyof time.
in Mexico
The
park was packed earlySunday and with the exception
of my cow, everything
rowed
borset for the act. I had
was
the toreador's hat and cloak,had bought about a
half-dozen rubber daggersand a bigwooden
sword, and had
the
even
spent several hours practicingup on flourishing
sword and swinging the cloak. But at one
the cow
o'clock,
o'clock
and
Two
Three o'clock,
in sight.
not
no
cow.
was
town
to
"
stillnot
sign of
while
And
bovine
my
waited,the
Al
bullfight.
^'Bullfight,
the
fans screeched
Schacht"
their
impatience:
Bullfight."
We
opponent.
then, despite
lucky there
were
was
eating my
was
out
it without.
We
riot.
no
dinner
at
came
nightwhen the manager
"Mr.
Schacht,"he said, "there's
that
to
over
my
farmer
eighto'clock
table.
with
cow
dog
was
another
story. He
didn't
even
have
an
pointmen
ap-
Clowning Through
156
Baseball
Amid
awful
lot of
nerve
the
stealing
think,however, it had
show
and
doing a
an
fadeout.
the
sense
pier.
dog displayed,
clowning days would be much hapmy
do thingsrightand the classic of them
They never
occurred
one
night in Dallas,in 1939, the year the
the
all
nation
I put
a
celebrated
on,
batter
as
my
the Baseball
feature
takinghis
There
was
Centennial.
stunt
that year, my
own
version
with my
chauffeur,
plate,
them behind
umpire'stogs, calling
turn
dressed in old-fashioned
me.
act.
for my
As
of
part of the
trained and
was
spot in the
at
the
act
in which
I hit
an
imaginary
Much
Ado
About
to
looked
drew
to
up
a
Before
baseballs from
onto
the
moment
someone
grandstand
umpire yelled"Foul"
where
see
157
arrangedon
dozen
Nothing!
That
go.
and
always
big laugh.
I ordered
takingthe field in Dallas,therefore,
my
to
man
imitation
black
will
shadow
be
we
Hundred
late
Too
walkingin
seek
to
back
of whom
that
fail
to
there
sing-songdrawl,
tune
of "Where
of
wrong
but made
of those
one
not
him
groes,
singing Ne-
are
many
he
assured
that he
me
the
out
stringalong
to
go
three times
was
the baseballs
heave
to
He
me.
image
had
nothingwould
sure
dead
Now."
else,I
someone
instructions
only repeatedmy
give them
out
the
sleepto
from
Years
make
to
his
"
he
moment
in
would
not
heard
the
cry of "Foul."
I then
where
Chopstickup
sent
he
to
the
the
long legs dangling over
I proceededto go through my
Satisfied,
box,
his
glancingup
he hadn't
further
The
thought-when
umpire, and
then
"Foul," the
was
ump
the
cue
then
roof,and
into my
firstimaginary pitchto
strike followed
That
and
now
every
after
I swung
me
without
was
tine,
preliminaryrou-
make
to
feature
grandstand,
certain
that
givinghim
any
stunt.
a
with
blistering
argument
at the third pitchand:
the
cried.
for the
downpour
of baseballs but
no
Clowning
158
baseballs
poured
apparently
man,
sound
asleep, his
of the press
side
the
looked
down.
Through
and
up,
him
finished
of it,and
the
it
regular game
mike,
and
he
"
with
baseballs.
who
to
as
thought
the
then
"
could,
it turned
he
dragged
on
the
the
field,
the
pitch
orated:
up,
windup
he
"
in
himself
in
for
to
buck
the
shyly a
leaped
He
the
dov\^n
the
mixup
be quite
to
resounding
up
dozen
casualties.
no
were
determined
came
threw
explained
out
box
sleeping stooge.
my
then
dressing room
lacing when
He
action
there's the
"
Fortunately, there
best
As
awoke
and
start
up
of the
I took
retiring.
The
bang.
man
stepped
out
Foul."
hits it
I cried
As
first
the
"Here's
the
inning
one
loudspeaker before
first batter
the
as
do
taken
punch
broadcast
to
lineups, described
the
gave
then
and
the
I could
nothing
custom
my
over
my
propped against
half-heartedly,the
act
was
was
box.
of that
out
there
back
"Baseballs," I yelled,"baseballs,"but
roused
Baseball
the
to
returned
joke,and
give
the
I had
fans,
guy
severe
promised
I
reallytore
him.
into
him.
"I
have
added, after
"Mistah
drink
mind
good
I had
beer
all
day
of
out
run
Schak,"
not
he
and
sang
stay
climate."
P.S."
I gave
him
the buck.
to
cuss
in
give
you
the
dollar,"
words.
explanation, "a
awake
at
night
kaint
man
in
dis
here
RUNS,
My
HITS
natural
that I
am
AND
forces me,
modesty
not
playerand
the national
I been
have
nor
ERRORS!
at
XVI
this point,to
the
only laugh-makerin
advantage of
had
pastime has
sole
my
coach, and
cashed
redeeming
in
and
is
human
faculty
many
often forgotten
crack up
justas liable to
it,but
on
playerswith
for doing and sayingfunny things.
Because a ball playeris a publicfigure,
it is
that he
confess
under
strain
as
any
other
lot
more
wrecks
nervous
further than
One
commonly
Berg, coach
to
hailed
be sniffed
at.
as
in
dugout,ball field or
is Moe
shown
some
Unfortunately,
went
than have
to
date.
baseball,
never
hotel
room.
Moe
up
is baseball'smost
Red
Sox
and
day
to-
more
is that titleanything
educated
personality,
education
was
more
Information Please,
than
the
rumor,
radio
159
he
program,
recentlywent
for
on
and
literary
i6o
him
word
almost any
and
why
and
another
They
with
1923.
besides his
keen
its
you
with
honors.
Giwt
he will
origin in Latin,
that much
been
has
Professor Berg is
club,and
give
But
the
Englishlanguageand
guy
since
ofl with
Armenian.
even
wonder
You
in the
it apart and
promptlytake
Greek
walked
and
scholarly
experts,
haven't
handle
to
ability
of humor, which
sense
to
love
special
capacityor
one
caught on
fellow
quite a
has
it in
at
the ball
on
to
have
him
a
on
is
pitchers,
at
emerges
yet.
ball
blessed
the strangest
moments.
I will
forgetthe
never
years ago. We
some
Athletics
on
an
were
hot
exceedingly
firstgame
and
humid
Washington, and
in
ington
catchingfor Washplayingthe Philadelphia
day. Moe had caught the
was
could
barelyget up out
to the pitcher.
Earl Whitehill,one
the time,
he
time
about
can
the
of his crouch
of the
get very
fifth
after
game's better
hot and
inning
Moe
at
Whitehill
stood
on
the
his
arms
Cramer.
Cramer, losing
pitching,
tryingto outstare
Doc
as
steppedout of the batter's box. As soon
patience,
without
resumed
It became
game
behind
sweltering
between
the
plate,was
in
no
mood
to
enjoy it.
and
Runs, Hits
Errors!
i^i
Whitehill
While
guards,piled them
to Bill McGow^an,
Cramer
all
w^ho
were
neatlybehind
home
plate,turned
umpiring there,and solemnly
w^as
declared :
these
"When
call
I'm
me.
mental
tw^o
going
to
get
get
cases
bath."
myself a
to recover,
waitingfor the astonished McGowan
and
Berg walked to the bench, took a full pail of water
his head. While he was
turned it upsidedown
over
drying
his face,McGowan
called him back.
Without
that
Assured
returned,cool
Moe
to begin once
play was
finally
more,
and fresh,donned his catchingoutfit slowly,
and
nonchalantly,
and
The
don't
time, boys.We
your
in the
to
young
voice
at
both
Whitehill
said:
Cramer
"Take
his
directing
not
eat
until
keep the
even
on
eighttonight."
Professor
die ball
from
when
field,
of
Would
act
say
"Al,
(Lwas
game
you
Moe
Well,
on
sitting
one
to
Wilson
and
Jack Wilson,
dien
loved
those stories.
Sox),Jack
noon.
this after-
coach
me:
had
us
been
have
should
in Russia."
as
our
result of
was
shortstop-manager,
an
injury,and
had
me
clowning
52
Through Baseball
Rube
when
necessary.
making the changes in pitchers
Walberg was having a bad afternoon this time and Cronin
he
whom
him. I forgotto ask Cronin
asked me
to remove
box
place,so
in Rube's
wanted
give Walberg
to
"Who's
the
I walked
as
"I'm
Wilson, Joe," I protested.
That'll take
get Wilson.
pitcher's
the
in?"
coming
"Bring Wilson
"Not
to
out
NOW,
TO
sorry but
I can't
long."
too
IH
fOPUL/vR
PROP
Bcao
Amazed,
"Are
"I
want
Cronin
nuts,
you
Wilson"
stared
Al?"
Where
at
he
me.
is Wilson?"
"Berg
"Well," I declared quiteseriously,
Wilson
in
bringhim
This-
of
use
as
have
Japan today.You'll
to
probablygot
has
get
passport
to
here."
Spring at Tampa,
was
unfortunate
talents. I
Berg'sUnguistic
dreamer
and
am
The
philosopher.
an
enough to make
well
as
opportunist
Cincinnati
Reds
were
164
it
do I leave?"
offer? When
"Take
don't
'They
Alexander,"the
it easy,
Professor
you."
cried,refusingto
joking,Morris," I
is no time for comedy. What
believe him.
did he
say?"
cruellyremarked,
blunt, Alexander," he
be
"To
stunningly.
any part of
want
"You're
"This
said
"the
said NOl"
guy
^how
"
anybody say
can
NO
in
so
many
words?"
what's
"And
a
bottle of iodine
comedians
own
It
in
he
more," announced
cost
Spanish.And
as
my
there
over
$4.51to
me
could
into
and
"
learn the
he
"
pouring
professor,
wounds, "they have their
theyare very funny."
meaning
for Professor
be disturbed
not
open
the
of the word
Berg, when
"NO"
I last saw
him,
rewritingthe Japanese
was
language.
Smead
who
Jolley,
Chicago White
the funniest
Mike
Sox,
men
until
was,
of
in baseball.
Gonzales, who
Cardinals,once
the
made
classic remark
in
St. Louis
reference
to
player:
but no can
good field,
Jolleywas the opposite.He
"He
he couldn't field
to
save
heet,"declared Mike.
was
his soul. He
great power
was
hitter but
heavy and
slow-
and
Hits
Runs,
if it hadn't
footed,and
lasted
have
been
16$
for his
did
he
long as
as
of the
lost one
Errors!
and
wouldn't
baseball would
wits in the
impromptu
most
he
slugging,
have
of
history
the
game.
In Boston's
to
is
steep embankment
tripfor
it
at
once.
That
afternoon,duringthe
same
he got up
incline. But
to
take
coupleof
floppedheadfirst.
the
inning,hurt
"You're
NOBOPV
HOWTOGET
DOWW
-m'
too
HILL
ME
far. He
steps down
He
and
returned
to
flyball was
hit
tearing up
the
reversed himself,started
catch the
to
and
ball,
tripped,
the bench
at
the end
of
angry.
lot of wise
"HOWEO
went
Jolley,
confidently,
to
game,
guys,"he
shouted. "You
showed
66
me
how
to
teach
to
me
get up
how
get down."
to
nobody was
enough
smart
of keepingJolley
in the outfield,
Seeing the hopelessness
he
where
losingmany
was
the
fielding,
of him.
He
and
firstused in that
was
game
decided
management
make
to
in his
he liked his
how
bat,he asked Jolley
Ginny
"
"at least
the home
flyrightover
his mask
"Come
on,
Ginny,
that
seems
sensitive about
second
off with
pal of
give those
used
not
No
matter
himself
The
hit
high
it. Instead
of
making
his head
over
o"E
and
to
have been
strode
to
a
chance
what
White
Sox
the
to
plate,Smead,
catch
Sox
a
many
playerand
had
he
Personally,
came
out.
first-sacker^nd
he did, however, he
in trouble.
easy
who
be my
pal and
ball."
had
laugh was
to
in all
pleaded:
flairfor
Art
down
ball
an
of the White
hold
bad
to
the Senator
yours,
outfielders
yours."
bald,and very
completely
piece of vanity landed Judge on
ball players
with
furnishing
was
when
to
almost
Judge
member
Another
should
turned
seriousness,
who
talk
Judge
catcher's mitt
it. This
time
next
"I'm
pitchedand
came
Jolleywas
what
on
The
to
yelledto
It
new
right,
job.
threw
plate.Jolley
frantically
the
put
own
you
was
out
"
catcher
ton,
capacityagainstWashing-
when
to
came
colorful
Shires,
Shires
personality.
always seemed
to
get
nice guy.
a
really
Washington one day, and there
was
and
Hits
Runs,
Errors!
terrible
Shires,having a
was
him, he couldn't
booed
he added
fuel
Towards
the end
had
friend
in
wonder
when
to
it didn't look
made
Arthur
League
and
the
All-Stars. He
"the Great"
Shires.
with
of the
team
be married
to
was
night of
player."
the Coast
tripto
ball
great
see
shortly
trip,in
to celebrate his
Francisco,he decided,quite naturally,
San
pending entry
holy matrimony.
into
he
Bursting with joy and generosity,
of
champagne
bit of it. I
than
coming back
and
of
for the
happened
to
never
knottingthe
have
he bubbled
seen
Love
guy
be
must
happy
so
He
minutes
half hour
asked
called his
theybabbled
she call up
her
wonderful
the
thought
I'm going
feeling.
she feels."
in Chicago,and
bride-to-be,
at
away
his mother
the
his mother
tell her
and
he called
later,
how
night,
girland
then
more
the exuberance
a
at
to
that
with
"it'sa wonderful
"Gosh, Al," he sighed,
call my
him
with
room
the room,
to
several bottles
ordered
boys,and helpedhimself
lark.
proverbial
the
thing for
at
if he
as
the
to
dramatically
avalanche
of razzberries,
an
when
too
ago, Art
years
afterward
the fans.
at
turned
of American
to
and
correctly,
Some
of
ball
the crowd
back
by wise-cracking
park, he
the
first.While
at
field
to
seem
answer
day
of the game,
in
stands, and
shouted
flames
to
167
Not
good
in
The
girl.
her
of his
on
she
not
and
lasted
that. Art
what
sound
out
About
news.
conversation
satisfied with
ten
insisted that
Texas,
Italy,
called his
girlback, to
mother, only to
for
then
thought
been
able
to
68
get her
for
intimate
call his
to
of the conversations
confirmed
bachelor. I decided
phoned
girl.
while
me
the trend
and
going on,
her
advised
sleepin sightfor
no
was
Shires
matters,
phone.To simplify
again and
his mother
There
the
on
all this
was
much
was
too
get another
to
the
room,
my
mother."
fear of
For
The
I remained.
hurtinghis feelings,
downstairs to get our
day we went
next
scrutinized
pickedit up,
as
it for
"Who
to
and
me
been
you
and
moments,
some
pleaseturned
you
bill.Shires
chalantly
non-
as
said:
Al?
calling,
phone
Our
bill is |io6."
It
proved a
I have
I
had
I,who
he, not
but
difficultmatter
"the Great"
superbfielder and
periodof twenty years
"
day
and
favor
"
going
a
into the
the winning
feat
run
Williams, one
who,
came
years from
the
first.Two
of the
Meusel
was
score
Browns
promptlygot
on
Washington
averaged.322
with
came
out
able
1918through 1931.
crown
to
from
over
11
in
one
our
in the last
second and
on
when
in
sluggers
leading
run
to
up
tyingrun
were
St. Louis
12
was
tory
his-
I consider
what
playingin
ninth,the
only Bob
up
were
battle. The
pitchers'
Ken
playerwho
glowing
Frisco.
Rice, one
"
his married
was
run
hope
sincerely
Shires that it
convince
to
stepped
League and
up
the
Babe
accomplishin
Ruth,
the twelve
and
Runs, Hits
Williams
Errors!
169
base hit
wallopeda
and Rice,
rightfield,
out
throwinga man
to
out
it home
throw
turned
Harris
throw
to
toward
had
Rice
"
of the
There
good
scored
two
wasn't
from
in
the
throw
down
almost
and
the game
was
was
in
out.
over.
the clubhouse.
to
got
way
throw
you
of invective
master
ball
to
the ball
Kate
play.My Aunt
wall to
right-field
that short
hit him
bit:
Rice and
at
around
swung
for home
we
own
he
as
and
the
on
"I didn't
and
"
runs
"What
the
arm
in his
winning run.
plateto see the result of
silence when
tense
was
the
to
supposed to head
head, knocking him
was
Browns
oflfthe
cut
him
the
you,
to
me?
throw
can
ball
plate."
Bucky," repliedRice
calmly.
"You
back of my
Rice
roared
didn't?"
thought that
"I'lltell you
the truth,"he
all over
the
The
it.
the
ball broke
course,
and
hit you
Guthrie, an
years,
was
while.
"I know
spokeup finally.
know
throw
to
result
like
the
on
playingfan-tan."
those
tough
it home
felt
that when
was
and
took
spitter,
and
ting
spit-
ofJ the
lot of
I aimed
a
you
in the
out
guys
are
home,
Bill
lump
"
wall,I grabbed it
juiceon
that
bleachers
right-field
many
over
one
won't
"Feel
Harris.
bacco
to-
it for
downward
in the head."
umpire
in my
in
the American
opinion one
League
of the keenest
for
wits in
Clowning Through
I70
baseball. Bill
plate,Guthrie
Yankees, and
his best in
at
York, while
called
Whitey Witt,
of the smallest
one
crisis.
working
behind
the
fielder of the
center
in the
men
to
game
League, out
followed between
play.An argument
and
in Witt's gettingthe wellWitt, resulting
Miller
diumb.
of the
Huggins, then manager
home
on
Guthrie
known
^
was
New
day, in
One
at
alwayscrackingwise during a
was
tension,and he
the
ease
Baseball
close
Yanks,
his
mighty
calmly turned
going
he declared,and
That's final,"
out.
Huggins, a really
great
bat boy with you."
In
was
manager,
Washington,a couple of
another
one
under
third
base, where
Close
decisions
the
was
stationed
All
the
by
the minute.
later,Guthrie
years
up
on
all
the
pulled
Ormsby
at
coaching Hues.
day, and
the crowd
Ormsby
Finally,
take
Guthrie
Red
decisions,
moreover,
and
ing
point-
"And
kept popping
time.
added:
more
umpiring behind
having a tough
Guthrie,waving
Witt.
to
to
this
to
up
crackinga smile,Guthrie
Widiout
angrily.
arms
"You're
himself,rushed
mite
were
getting
was
called
was
Senator
Clowning Through
172
Baseball
once
let him
never
w^e
know
we
watch
to
of
aware
were
his
moves
ball
when
pitcher,
it
used
dreads,we
that
his
was
and
turn
he
remained
next,
rules which
remain
the
allows
the bench
on
the lead-off
Crowder
seems
on
to
bat, althoughthere
at
League
permit
the circle.It
placein
when
he is up
turn
to
man
had
until
his
take
luck
no
bat
at
bench, and
he
it
General
would
the box
from
asked
Walter
lost his
a
with
own.
was
We
knew
ing
walk-
he had
park,but
to
him.
he
disgustedly
given his
used Johnson'sgloveand
he hid
Johnson, of
and
superstition
his
on
but
dugout,another superstition,
glovesthat gave us our greatest
General's
step
kid in the
give it back
box
the
was
One
giggles.
to
never
whose
mighty rightarm,
glove back.
One
day,in Cleveland,Crowder
the
glove and
knew
only luck
charm
never
insisted
won
refused
who
course,
own
on
to
of the
in
the
getting
the
bull pen
mound,
to
relieve
take
Instead
pitcher.
called in from
of
walking
to
the
the
the bench. He
had
to
directly
Johnson'sglovewhich he had hidden in
the General
to
forgotten
was
came
trunk,
For
and
up,
find
rushed
he
bawled
umpire
but
game,
"It's
I'll
and
The
live
glove
won
And
and
the
rushed
"Here,
to
finally
his
for
him
be
held
he
Furiously,
and
on
in
it
that
news
frantic.
relief
of
out
didn't
holding
came
face.
The
up
the
mind.
business,"
your
kept
of
part
fifteen
it
all
following
up
devil
the
himself,
of
look
had
was
it
get
he
said.
live
"You
your
life
mxine."
funny
1932,
for
to
game
with
Crowder
General
of
none
it,
the
the
back
search
with
boy
the
came
glove,
to
out
clubhouse
minutes
kid
the
away
running
five
the
173
the
least
at
when
couldn't
Errors!
ordered
and
hurry.
in
and
Hits
Runs,
to
take
Johnson
your
the
whole
thing
consecutive
Winter
season,
glove.
if
it
he
when
angrily
It's
with
games
as
almost
that
was
hard
were
sacred
first
lost
his
and
cried:
luck."
Crowder,
Johnson's
treasure.
start,
he
pickingAll-Star
I
going
am
They
teams.
stout, others
limbs,some
down
PEOPLE
OF
LOT
XVII
STARS
SEEIN'
go them
to
all
on
out
by
on
of snapping,but
verge
littlebetter,
and
record
on
then
some.
"
and
prayer
I've
seen
of 1906,'07and
Cubs
which
Chance's
^Frank
"
Chicago
'08;Fred Clarke's
of Babe Adams
pitcherby the name
unequaledfeat of winning three Series
freshman
went
too
to
on
the
games;
Mack's
from
which
came
crown
in four
nowhere
to
the
straight;
pennant
Athletics
and
one
of '14,
and
world
but branded
scandal;Miller Huggins'
'28,and
Braves
a
the
Sox, possibly
1919 White
of all time
greatest combination
Boston
Yankees
and
Ruth
by
an
fortunate
un-
of 1927 and
Gehrig; the
pitchercalled Grove;
Joe McCarthy'sYanks
all
"
of 1939.
With
neck
out
that
"
as
but
not
background,I
too
far. I'm
174
can
going
aflord
to
to
pickan
stick my
All-Time
Seein' Stars
All-Star
i^^
team
football
Dame
surround
to
laughsand
did
the
At
named
fair
World
All-Star
with
start
Cincinnati,somebody
in
declared
and
confidently:
the
up
Johnson
challenge.
as
my
he began but
pitcher,"
further.
no
"Stop,"cried
knew
He
whereof
I get
too.
spoke.I'llstart
kick and
thrillwhen
the greatest
have
the
can."
took
guy
Series
team
that if you
Another
"Ill
recent
an
"Top
got
but
of baseball,
cases
the mental
All-Goofyclub,not
my
"Washington,firstin
enough. You
widi
I
son,
John-
Walter
speak of Johnson,
used
glove.They
win."
to
American
League."
Johnson pitchedfor
equaled.Just as
him
to
that will
never
ChristyMathewson,
pitchedon
learned
and
records
some
up
of his
I idolized
Sir Walter.
with
the
respect and
be
shiped
wor-
club, roomed
same
admire
him
not
only
for his
"
knew
only
middle. There
would
One
kind
one
never
was
throw, but
you
cloudy day
who
was
not
in
of
pitch"that fireball
any
down
the
you
can't
see.
and
killed
by
Clowning Through
17^
thrown
pitched-ball
against Johnson.
threw
Chapman
by
Carl
Mays, steppedup
strikes
Two
Baseball
to
the
quicklycalled
were
plate
and
and
returned
the
plate,surprised,
yelled
to
the bench.
out:
"Hey, Chappie.Wait
minute"
you
coming."
"You
don't
have
can
the other
Johnson
Evans,
same
account
to
there."
up
he
after several
hit him.
farm
that covered
and
a
1924 World
never
dangerousand this
on
day, called a game
of Walter's pitcheshad
was
clear
perfectly
the mound,
the
wild
was
of darkness
passedby
Year
on
"I
HAVE
vol/ CW
STRIKE.TH' THIRP
When
dark
want
shouted Chapman.
strike,"
heard
took
an
stretch of twenty-one
Series for the
in
a
alibi
sas,
KanCoffeyville,
regularturn on
or
knock, and
years. After
he
Senators,he answered
won
the
Seein' Stars
^yy
with a simplestatement
of his team-mates
congratulations
the man
that typified
and playerhe was:
"Gee, I was
lucky,wasn't I?" said Walter.
Yep, I'll start with Johnson as my pitcherand pick up
the greatest comwith Tyrus Raymond Cobb in rightfield,
petitive
and
daring.Playersfeared
when
he
time"
and
paths"he
of the American
alert,
and
the base
on
was
all" smart,
the scourge
spikeswere
flashing
he
League. But
vicious
wasn't
of the
most
on
was
as
base
runner.
"I
went
never
with
man
inch
an
said Ty,
spikes,"
my
best friend if he
my
of the way
out
tried
ever
"and
to
I'd
to
down
cut
the heart of
cut
the
he
year
pressedfor
was
But
batting
championship.
amazing brilliance enabled
that
competitivespirit,
to
the
win
in
times
nine
crown
that
the
and
row
twelve
him
out
of
thirteen.
As
the
the firstever
was
At
quickestman
ball
was
his
base runner,
to
"hot"
ever
saw
from
score
any
equalmay
he
time
gettingaway
second
was
on
on
"Make
on
them
base he
think
"Keep crossingthem
The
Browns
Krichell,now
for St. Louis.
were
was
from
out.
the
harder
was
and
first,
infield
an
base,and
the
jockeyedby opposing players,
bat and
be found. He
never
more
he
The
he
played.
unpredictable.
you're crazy," he
once
admitted.
up."
playingDetroit
chief
scout
Cobb
was
for the
one
Krichell's nemesis.
He
could
Clowning
178
nab
never
the streak of
Through Baseball
lightningon
steal" few
Krichell'smind
in
could"
he performed
time
every
againstDetroit.
Cobb
got
was
on
bad, Cobb
would
therefore,he
quickly,
second where
Cobb
be half way
threw"
was
to
to
third. Pivoting
third" and
turning
waved
restingcomfortably,
to
his
and shouted:
jubilantly,
arms
Yah!
"Yah!
This
is
one
time
you
won't
steal third
on
mc."
And
I
that
the
was
think of
can
no
Ruth
Tris
fieldersecond
An
need
to
none
and
not
far behind
case
as
hitter.:
Speaker"doesn't
a
day of]
they might want
Cobb
and
i8o
and
"
nock
"
Bob
Feller could
and
I'd
even
increase my
second,and
a
use
jointhe
keep a
to
got
asked
were
like that
team
in
puttingArt "the
Nobody would
Tony Lazzeri,of
restrained guy
wouldn't hesitate a
Shires
Great"
the Yanks.
was
middle-sacker. It
would
Kress
short
beatingthe
around
and
over
Yanks
15
to
"Here
we
ridiculous
Does
score,
it pay
In my
Al, gettingour
are,
to
eat
stole
as
one
LeftyGomez
peppery,
wise^
one
day
"
turned
to
^itdoes
the
same
sound
said:
and
me
brains beat
We
me.
out
steak
by that
tonight.
winner?"
I would
outfield,
occasion,caught them
didn't mind
keepingcompany
on
the
same
"
soul; and
cracking,good-natured
were
who
Tony
was
at
prance
well
practical
jokeras
great
Up'*
a quiet,
supposedly
was
Red
moment
first.
on
Tony
good
"
the quietones." He
pretty
and I'm
"
club,I
pickan All-Goofy
littleolder,
to Judge Landis
personally
demanding he
playerlimit to include Rogers Hornsby at
as
long as he could
Jimmy Foxx, anywhere,
to
in
Bender.
go
humor, and if I
out
he got
when
team
Pen-
bat.
You've
Chief
Alexander, and
Cleveland
Grover
Herb
base with
wanted
run
to
other
an-
be
hitter in
Seein'
the
Stars
daytime
i8i
but
the
when
in his spare
team
his Boston
header
second
Bees
long
not
It
moments.
the
and
ago,
let him;
and
also
Casey,who,
was
Giants
umpire refused
rained
and
could
who
wittiest,
playingthe
were
although it
game
wouldn't
of baseball's
Casey Stengel,one
manage
Landis
Judge
double-
call the
to
gettingdark,
was
seen,
needs
Dizzy
brilliant game
pitched a
introduction.
no
in
the
Just before he
where
field,
horn
against the
Series
1934
to
my
ing
clown-
was
phony
coronet
solo.
it
As
for
on
him.
went
we
the
Lefty's"Great
He
to
with
was
his
would
All-Star
our
would
girl,he
demand
Angeles,where
played an
Leftywas
Our
reputationwas
and
in the
one
All-Star
he
That's
see
us.
we
couldn't
at
year
a
he
"
he
oflF,
in
team
came
before
"
from
up
and
Los
20,000
crowd
for
to
up, the
letter
head
tremendous
afford
got
inningswere
third,with
Coast
when
in love with
madly
when
pinned
year
only pitchhis
felt so good.
to
out
peoplecame
and
an
exhibition,
team
well known
Leftywas
I who
was
not
he
pitch,
to
day, we
One
to
tag, it
from
Lover"
game
led
opposition
us
clowning
82
Lefty
made
batch
with
girl,
lied.
"Gosh,
all
those
letters
and
but
them,
batters
Lefty
game.
his
at
three
next
the
from
you
looking
the
won
send
to
Without
out
arrived,"
just
you
letters
which
house,
club-
the
to
like
called
mound,
the
to
the
Rushing
looked
that
Baseball
letter.
handed
and
time,
ing,
Pant-
Gomez.
to
"They
heights.
everything
out
o"
thought
pitching
to
up
dashed
I
the
rise
'dug
then
and
desperate,
was
Through
to
don't
in
highly
the
retire
all
thought
she
believe
he
along
has
be
must
love
day."
one
elated.
side.
in
Lefty
struck
eventually
We
those
letters
forgiven
me
were
to
this
day.
Anyway,
choice
"Go
with
I've
picked
my
this
simple
and
ahead
"
Top
that
one
teams
daring
if
you
and
I'll
phrase:
can!"
stand
by
my
THIS, NOT
ALL
Today,
I have
town,
shouts
am
clown
the
"
of
Pagliaccio
XVIII
the diamond.
become
courier
w^ord. Whenever
household
enter
and
streets
Schacht's in town!"
Al
"Hey, girls"
I have
stillto find
all
to
whether
out
It is my
good
earth there
strange
of
women
am
certain
be
man
who,
intend
of my
to
much
todayplacetoo
that somewhere
when
him
uncover
rival,
ar-
entry in my
lack of women
in
just to
this
on
he looks
mirror, screams
ing
warn-
modest
my
looks. I
must
someday, I
is
as
announcement
I make
as
twelve-cylinder
car, there
the welcoming party.
faith in
that is meant
or
femininity
justan
but somehow,
in the
TOO!
HEAVEN
himself
at
I do. And
to
prove
the
man
being the ugliest
alive are nothingbut the result of jealousyplainjealousy.
But despitemy
I am
amazing popularity,
unhappy. I
world
that those
rumors
about
my
"
have
been kicked
It all
out
happened
wondered
when
one
the
of Heaven.
midsummer's
fans
would
night.I
catch
wise
had
to
me
often
and
I had
as
was
183
solace in the
thoughtthat
184
I would
be welcome
in that
nook
special
in Heaven
served
re-
Thinking,however, was
As
the custom,
was
thing.Gettingin
was
sent
up
Doubleday,originatorof
Abner
by
one
baseball. It
as
"From
hands
you
the hand
by
me
approachedthem,
we
"
seems
even
meeting
with
approval.
angelled
An
other.
an-
be interviewed
to
was
from
and
she bade
those
pearlygates, and
adieu.
me
on,
now
to
get."
fresh,ain't you?" I remarked, but
can
"Kinda
I realized she
be
must
substitute
all the
need
you'll
"
one
too
not
of those
help
loudly.
angels
with
"
"Open up them
but firmly.
"Who's
pearlygates,"I cried,knockinggently
there?"
Doubledayhimself
Al
"It's me,
you
all set
to
greet
me
I
and
presumed
bid
it
was
welcome.
me
know."
scorn.
"Don't
technical. I
I had
my
"Too
never
look
you
was
off
many
enter,
and
inquired,
said you
ever
"What, you
may
answered.
voice
at
heard
were
of me?"
the records?
billed
as
I detected
touch of
pitcher?"
I declared
indignantly.
get
too
course,
You
jury of
prove
if you
and
I could
see
before my
opened
gates
maybe
Around
light.
twelve
robes,were
flowingwhite
face of
bewildered
blaze of
I noticed
clearly,
more
of all the
center
stern
face the
to
in, momentarilyblinded by
went
the
You'll have
stay."
Magically,the
I
185
belonghere.
you
Immortals
can
you
to
Too!
Heaven
the
When
light.
big,round table
table,all dressed
I made
men.
the serious
John McGraw,
eyes.
in
the
out
of
one
in
Christy
Mathewson.
I
delightedto
was
them.
see
shouted.
"Silence,infidel,"
a voice boomed
this is Al
Schacht.
and
desires admittance
you
know
him?
"I know
him,
swelled with
He's got
"Was
he
who
all
joy and
lot of
as
Does
to
claims
He
he
pitcher
circle. Do
intimate
our
was
tlemen,
"Gen-
of
any
he
belonghere?"
right,"said McGraw, and
know
pride."I certainly
tryingto
nerve
as
pitcher,
had
of nowhere.
out
he
surmised
my
heart
the tramp.
get in here."
claims?"
the
was
inquiredDoubleday,
Judge of the whole
business.
pitcher?"bellowed
"A
around
never
know.
And
long enough
what's
funny.
He
he
more
"That's
Mac.
once
hit
with
me
was
let
us
bucket
of water."
"But
Matty
will vouch
of
for
won't
you,
Matty?"
"I
spoke Matty gravely.
teachingyou how
practically
taughtyou
And
me,
to
how
furthermore, I like
throw
to
my
went
famous
but
pitch,
you
to
the trouble
fadeawayand
me.
disgraced
peacefuluntil
86
they sent
up. You
you
broken-down
your
The
might
of
some
telling
start
even
jokes."
decided
angel,I
then
right when
there,was
and
I'd need
said
Yankees; Rube
Waddell
Mack's
greatest
Charlie
Ebbetts, Charles
Ruppert. Surely,from
to
get
was,
and Eddie
one
favorable
of them
most
I turned
to
vote.
did.
and
Stoneham
among
They
They
of Connie
Plank, two
them,
knew
Johnson,
Ban
Colonel
ought
be able
to
for what
me
Jacob
I
really
did.
Chapman.
"Chappie,"I declared,"You
liked
certainly
me
in those
days,didn't you?"
"I certainly
did," repliedChappie, and once
more
returned. "Why, you were
cousin to me,
a
courage
other pitcherin the League I could
There was
no
*four for four' from except you. But you'reno good to
my
Al.
get
me
here."
Somewhat
I swung
dejectedin spirit,
had anything but
never
Robbie, who
to
a
Robbie, genial
kind
word
for
everyone.
pal,"I said,"have
"Robbie, my
have
anything
.
cigar,have something,
."
.
was
rudelyinterruptedas
My attempt at pleasantries
Doubleday shouted:
"Enough of that,Schacht,whoever you are. You can't
bribe this
"But
I
owe
jury."
he's a buddy
him
these
of mine," I
cigars."
"And
complainedbitterly.
Clowning Through
88
knees
Baseball
I was
last legand as
on
crumbling.
my
to Jake Ruppert.
a final hope,turned
"Colonel,"I whimpered, "I always liked your beer. I
alwaysworked my head ofl in the World Series for you
even
I
though you underpaid me. You understood me,
alwaysgave you a laugh,or did I?"
My
The
were
kind.
Colonel,at least,
was
must
me
laugh.I'm
in
pretty well
They
gave
you
me
And,
to
vote
tlemen
gen-
down.
you
be honest,you
to
never
not
you."
With
tears
in my
feated
Doubleday,de-
but stillfighting.
Doubleday,"I orated,"Can't
"Mr.
minds?
You
I've done
they had
career
small
have
we
great
you
thing.And
then. When
parks and
change
their
look
what
at
started my
conditions
poor
today
"
tions,
stadiums, pleasantcondieverything^gigantic
and we
even
play ball at night.Look at all those
changesI partookin ^look at the miUions of people
"
"
I made
laugh.Is that
not
worthy of
an
timate
in-
circle?"
"A
"But
Mr. Schacht,"repHedDoubledaycoldly.
speech,
have invented baseball if I thought
might never
nice
I
it would
playersHke
entice
that,I
guards who
me
came
back toward
was
you.
for you"
have
You
nowhere.
the
you'reout!"
grabbedroughlyby
from
heard
As
me
back
the
arms
they were
by
two
pulling
out, I screamed:
to
haunt
you
all.
on
take this
to
189
clown, if
not
as
I'll
pitcher.
highercourt!"
"Well, you
"And
as
rights
my
Too!
Heaven
won't
there's no
than
highercourt
Heaven.
Out
as
with
one.
the
bum."
.
wAvevoo
^ HEARD?
got
W6
waivs.rs
^omschacht;
heaved,
was
too
none
gently,into space.
I woke up!
shock of being tossed
The
out
without
asked
much
even
"
It made
had
am
to
me
make
back
Heaven
on
"
even
waiver
was
me
on
in
ing
betoo
nightmare.
good,and
here I
earth,direct from
still God's
gift to
baseball!
^"\*\v\"\Vv\V%v"