ASSERTIVENESS SKILLS TRAINING

RESPONSIBLE ASSERTIVE COMMUNICATION EFFECTIVE,

CONSTRUCTIVE COMMUNICATION
This is a communication skill, and as such, it can be learned.
However, to communicate really effectively, you need to make changes on a deeper level
as well. To communicate effectively, it is necessary to feel OK about yourself. Assertive
communication is based on healthy self esteem. We all have, or can acquire, resources for
building up our self esteem.
EFFECTIVE CONSTRUCTIVE ASSERTIVE COMMUNICATION:

Is a healthy expression of self

Is based on respect self and others
Is direct and honest
Is constructive and effective
Opens up possibilities
Clarifies issues
Builds positive relationships
Is solution focused rather than blame focused
Moves towards the positive rather than moving away from the negative
Uses logic as an appropriate tool, balanced with healthy emotional expression
Uses non verbal communication in alignment with verbal communication
Expresses appropriate emotions.
Is aimed at really wanting to convey a clear, respectful message.

RESPONSIBLE ASSERTIVE COMMUNICATION involves:

Taking risks (in a thought-out way)

Learning how to trust yourself
Taking responsibility for yourself do not expect others to read your mind.
When you feel someone has violated your boundaries in some way, it is up to you
to tell them or to make a conscious, responsible choice not to tell them.
Making choices making choices for ourselves and allowing others to make
choices for themselves
Finding ways of meeting our own healthy wants - we can give ourselves the
time and space to find creative ways of living our lives the way we want to,
without putting unhealthy pressure on others.
Finding ways of protecting ourselves from other peoples wants - if meeting
them is destructive for us. We can walk away from them if we choose to. We can
walk away from that specific want without shutting down possibilities of doing
things in a different way that works for us both. We can walk away from the
want, and not from the person.

Exploring creative solutions - If the other person chooses not to move forward
our way, then it is up to us to find another way of moving forwards.
Listening to others - the focus of the listening is opening up the others creative
solution thinking. Effective information gathering is essential in finding creative
solutions. If you feel that someone is not listening to youlisten more carefully
to them.
Healthy self expression - we have to express ourselves in order to develop, to
learn, to live a rich and full life. If we deny ourselves this expression, we reduce
our effectiveness in life.
Respectful balance of personal power - an imbalance of power implies a
win/loose, a better than/worse than situation. This shuts down communication.
Looking for a win/win situation opens up possibilities. It opens up
communication channels.
Building up your own personal power this takes time, effort and focus and
requires a great deal of energy. There is no easy fix here it is an on going
process. We are unlikely to ever actually get there, but we can keep on working
at it and with each and every communication we have, we can learn new ways of
becoming more effective, more assertive.
Expressing anger - many people confuse assertive communication with
aggressive communication. In order to communicate constructively and
effectively, anger must be acknowledged and appropriately expressed. Use your
anger as a constructive tool for positive change.
Being solution focused communicate clearly, directly and constructively,
focusing on a win/win solution
Practicing often
Preparing carefully use I messages. Use the story technique.

THE STORY TECHNIQUE

Explore the First Story your own. Answer the following kind of questions:
What outcome do I want from this conversation?
What message do I want to get across?
What part have I played in this issue how have I contributed to it?
What are my feelings? If I am angry, what feelings are the anger covering up?
What does all this say about me? What are the identity issues that are sparking the
emotions? Perhaps your competence is being attacked, and one of your core identity
issues is that you need to see yourself as competent and feel vulnerable when you think
you are being seem as incompetent.
Explore the Second Story the other persons. Get into a curious stance. You are
really interested to know what is going on in their story. Use the Socrates questioning
method and ask questions based on any hypothesis that you may have. Ask who, what,
when, how and why.

Recognise that what you know about their story is probably based on assumptions.
Never make assumptions. Do not try to mind read. Try to get into their shoes by
thinking what their story is like, and then ask questions to check out your hypotheses.
This is the scientific method.
Move into the Third Story. Based on what you now know about the First Story - your
own story and the Second Story the other persons story, take an objective big picture,
aerial view of the whole thing, and describe the whole situation as if you were an
objective third party.
This sets the scene for an open discussion moving towards solutions.
Assertive communication involves saying what you need to say without being attached to
the outcome. You cannot make anyone else do anything with your message. You can
only give the message. You DO have a great deal of control in HOW you give that
message. You also have a responsibility to give the message. Other people cannot feel
emotionally safe with you if they do not know how you feel. You do not, however, have
responsibility for what is done with your message as long as you delver it in a respectful
way.
BILL OF ASSERTIVE RIGHTS
I have the right to judge my own behaviour thoughts and emotions, and to take the
responsibility for their initiation and consequences upon myself.
This is a basic right. The others flow from it. So remember:
I AM MY OWN JUDGE (a gentle one!)
1. I have the right to offer no reasons or excuses for justifying my behaviour. I can say
I dont want to
2. I have the right to judge if I am responsible for finding the solution to other people's
problems
3. I have the right to change my mind
4. I have the right to make mistakes and to be responsible for them
5. I have the right to say "I don't know"
6. I have the right to be independent of the goodwill of others before coping with them
7. I have the right to be illogical in making decisions

8. I have the right to say "I don't understand"

9. I have the right to say "I don't care"
10. I have the right to buy a luxury item that I can afford
DEALING WITH CONFLICT
Prepare:
Context choose a neutral ground/time
Begin with the end in mind I would like this to happen win/win
Review areas of agreement
Focus on behaviours/work rather than the person
Establish the facts:
Clarify the various perspectives
Ask questions
Identify the central issues
Review alternatives:
Establish a number of alternatives
Do a PMI (positives, minuses and interesting thoughts that come up as you do this)on
each alternative
Rank them
Agree on the next steps:
Be specific - what/who/when/how
Establish review dates
AVOIDING TRAPS
It is important to be aware of how aggressive or passive aggressive communication works
so that you can avoid it. Facing the real issues takes courage. You can learn to tell your
truth in a respectful way even with love.
Learn to recognise:
The put down response (aggressive/defensive)
The keeping the peace response (passive/defensive) this is only OK if you
genuinely do not feel anger. Anger is a sign that it is not OK and you need to do
something assertive.

The speak the truth with love response. (assertive/constructive)

Ineffective, destructive communication really involves techniques to avoid facing the real
issues.

It takes place in a climate of fear, anger, guilt and shame. It is often the result of
poorly managed anger.
It creates verbal chaos in order to muddy the waters and avoid the real issues
It involves trying to be better than or right. Life is more complex than this.
It involves the expression of raw anger which raises defenses and blocks and
shuts down communication and avoids the real issues.
Raw anger also creates fear, which makes it more difficult for the other to raise
the real issues.
Raw anger generates more anger, which derails the process of focusing on the real
issues.

Understanding that the destructive communicator is actually feeling very unsafe helps us
to manage our own feelings better. Focus on saying or doing something to make the
interaction safer. Experiment with different ways of doing this. You may:
Just stand and listen calmly
Acknowledge their anger
Tell them that you will not listen to them putting you down, and you are happy to
listen to what they have to say when they have calmed down. Walk away (and
always go back)
Tell them that you can see that they are saying something important, but you
cannot hear because of the anger. Can they try again please?
Say something like this is going all wrong. Its important, so lets try again
Focus on getting to solutions
Acknowledge your own anger or maybe even your own fear. Feelings are OK
AN EXAMPLE
Passive aggressive communication is probably the most destructive because it is distorted
and dishonest and very difficult to do anything constructive with, as it leaves us so off
balance.
A good example of this is a couple at a party. The woman is talking with obvious
enjoyment to another man about a subject that really interests her. Her partner notices
this and feels jealous. Behind the jealousy is fear that he may lose her or that he is not
good enough. He does not acknowledge this, because he shouldnt feel jealous that is
not socially acceptable. So he goes up to them and joins in the conversation, and starts
putting her down and telling her that she is talking rubbish. She begins to feel
uncomfortable and angry at being put down, and loses confidence in herself and shuts
down. This has been a destructive, hurtful communication and certainly does not address
the real issue of the mans fear that he may lose the woman.

The possibility of finding a solution has been shut down. The mans destructive
communication will probably leave both his partner and the other man feeling angry.
Because the womans self esteem has been eroded, she may well begin to communicate
in destructive ways herself. An unhealthy atmosphere of destructive communication is
generated. Passive aggressive behaviour spreads!
If he had acknowledged his feelings and worked out a way of expressing them in a
respectful way, he could have opened up communication and opened up different
possibilities. For example, he could have said: when I saw you talking to that man I felt
bad - like I might lose you. I care for you very much and dont want to spoil things.
Lets do something together. Would you like to dance?

STRATEGIES FOR IMPROVING COMMUNICATION SKILLS:

Deal with issues as they come up
Address one problem at a time
Focus on the present
Be specific
Express your feelings
Allow the other person to express their self do not interrupt
Make compromises (that you are comfortable with)
Complain when the rules are violated
Focus on solutions
Focus on the facts not the persons faults - adopt a no blame philosophy
Fight fair remember everyone is different
Take time out remember it may take you a while to know how you feel or to be
able to articulate your thoughts
Focus on the I message
Be honest - respectfully. Have regard to the other persons feelings
Be honest courageously. When anxiety about others reaction appears, honesty
disappears and, If you dont get it out, youll act it out.
Work on trusting yourself to cope with whatever happens
Build up a trusting environment
Give up mind reading and expecting others to mind read
Be aware of putting others on the defensive. If you have something difficult to
say, spend time working out how you will say it. Run it through with someone
else.
Take responsibility for your own opinions others do not have to agree with you
- you can agree to differ
Be aware of giving mixed messages
If you receive a mixed message, reflect it back and wonder out loud what is
going on
Recognise cognitive distortions:
o Black and white thinking all or none thinking
o Overgeneralisations
o Jumping to conclusions mind reading
o Should, could, must have to statements. This implies a rigidity
o Labelling and mislabeling
o Minimizing
o Catastrophising
o Filtering focusing on the negatives and disregarding any evidence that
contradicts the negatives. Disqualifying the positives
o Personalising taking responsibility for what is not your fault. Not
separating the doing from the being
o Emotional reasoning eg I feel worthless, therefore I am worthless
o Fortune telling eg it is going to turn out badly therefore there is no use in
trying
Work on your bill of rights (see above)

Separate the action from the person instead of I am stupid, rather, I did a stupid
thing.
Focus on self talk practice talking to yourself as if you were your own best
friend
Work on affirmations
Work on visualisations
Use the broken record technique I understand that you are understaffed,
but I want my fridge replaced Ok so you do not have another one in the store
but I want my fridge replaced, so I expect you to find one in another store and so
on, firmly standing your ground and repeating your request to have your fridge
replaced. Commit to being brave and steadfast.
Use the foggingtechnique. This has to be done carefully so that it is not
disrespectful. It acknowledges that there may be some truth in what they say, and
yet, your truth also has validity. And yet is a much better way of putting it than
but, as it opens up possibilities rather than shutting them down.
Acknowledge the hostile criticism of you and move forward. eg You are right, I
am shouting loudly. Lets try this again deep breath.
Prompt a negative criticism that has not been verbalized. Only if you feel strong
and centred, as it can be quite challenging. eg I have noticed a real coldness in
your actions tonight. Im wondering what it is about then give them time to
respond.
Use self disclosure it may help to initiate a difficult communication by sharing
something about yourself that is related to what you want to say. eg One of the
things that is different about you and me is that I am the kind of person who likes
things to be neat and tidy, and you are more comfortable with disorder. I am
actually feeling quite uncomfortable about the level of disorder right now and
wonder if you could do a bit of tidying up.
Try a workable compromise. eg I understand that you would like to be involved
in this wedding mum, and I would like it if you could be responsible for the
reception as I am not as good at that sort of thing as you are, and I will be
responsible for the guest list, the outfits and the honeymoon.

DO NOT:
Drag up old grievances
Make personal remarks
Blame anyone including yourself use the term played a part rather than
your/my fault
Hit
Be sarcastic
Label
Make assumptions
Expect too much
Think in black and white real life is complex. A solution does not have to be
this OR that. It can be this AND that, even if the two things may seem
paradoxical.

Have to be right or wrong. It does not matter who is right and who is wrong.
Leap over this into what you can do to reach a good solution.

STRATEGIES FOR BUILDING UP SELF ESTEEM

Give yourself permission to exercise self care audit your nutrition, sleep
patterns, exercise regime, rest and relaxation time, doing something just for you.
If it helps, imagine that you are your own best friend.
Creative self expression audit the things that you do to express yourself
socialise, act, write, play sport, hobbies, travel, paint etc.
Understand that healthy expression of self is essential in order to live a rich,
healthy, full life. It is OK to want to do and say things that help you move
forwards.
Get to know yourself better what are your natural gifts? Are you giving yourself
permission to express them?
Self acceptance let go of your internal judge
Celebrate successes. Praise releases energy, criticism shuts it down
Let go of your need to be perfect give yourself permission to make mistakes
Become more aware of own feelings acknowledge them and choose appropriate
ways of expressing them
Work on healthy expression of your feelings dont hurt others in the process
Work on accepting complements
Work on making requests with no strings attached its Ok if it is not fulfilled
right then. Find another way
Recognise when you are being manipulated and make choices
Challenge your beliefs. This helps you get out of thinking in loops. It opens up
different ways of perceiving the world and feels wonderful!
Focus on self talk it in not OK to trash yourself. How can you possibly feel
good about yourself if you have a little imp in your head telling you that you are
no good all the time?
It is OK to bring emotions to work it is part of who we are. It is not OK to bring
an overwhelm of emotions to work. Do something to get them back into
perspective.
Consciously work at developing your connection to the Greater Self the world,
nature, the universe, life, energy, god. Feel part of a whole
Meditate
Work on forgiveness yourself and others
Work on affirmations
Understand more about your personality type and what your natural skills are

DIFFICULT CONVERSATIONS:
Based on The Power of Positive Criticism Hendrie Weisinger
You have something difficult to say and you anticipate an angry reaction:
Anger, like many other emotions, is very contagious. Being aware of this is the first step.
Be aware of your own anger, which may trigger an angry reaction. You may be unaware
that you are expressing anger, perhaps in a non verbal way. The fact that you are
thinking about your own anger may help to dissipate it.
The angry reaction then may trigger more of your own anger. Be prepared for this. A
powerful way of keeping angry emotions in proportion is to be cool and collected. Your
cool response to the anger will help de-escalate the emotion. Your angry response
escalates it, running the risk of moving the conversation into an irrational place, where
solutions are less possible.
To calm yourself for this kind of difficult conversation, you could try visualising yourself
handling the other persons anger well.
If your comments do trigger anger in the other person, try the following:
Quietly listen to the other person. Try to understand what they are really saying
Do not interrupt
Try reflecting your understanding
Express a desire to understand better
Be flexible in your search for solutions.
Just as acknowledging your own anger may help to dissipate it, so does acknowledging
the other persons anger - I can see that you are angry and I am trying to understand
why..
Acknowledging a possible angry response in your initial comments may also help to
dissipate it .I need to tell you something and I hope you wont be angry with me..
I hope you wont take this the wrong way ..
When what you have to say is embarrassing:
When engaging in this kind of difficult conversation, acknowledging it up front often
works well. I need to tell you something that I find rather embarrassing. You may too
It is important to protect the other persons self esteem as shame is often a key player in
embarrassing situations. You may say: You are probably not aware of this(even if you
know they are)
It is also important to explain why it is a problem, and what you expect them to do about
it, so that they are left with a very clear call to action.

Dealing with Mr Negativity:

Negativity is also very contagious, and a negative node in a group can be very demotivating. The reason for this contagion may be that it is often largely operating at a
subconscious level. So once again, bringing it to awareness is useful to your own
awareness (perhaps with an affirmation eg no matter how negative he gets, I will be
positive) and also to the other persons - You may not be aware of it but you come across
as
Value the negativity and try making it work for you both - What do you think might go
wrong .. how can we prepare for that? (moving them into solution focus mode).
When you have something difficult to say to your boss:
Do not: tell them what to do, or put them in a position where they feel embarrassed,
threatened or undermined.
Do: ensure that you know what you are talking about and have researched your
information carefully. Then present the information clearly. Respect your boss decision
as to what is done with it.
Try asking for help - eg I have a problem, this is what is happening, what should I do?
Have some possible solutions ready in case you are asked.
Try: May I make a suggestion?
Focus on the benefits of your suggestion (solution focused)
If one way does not work, try another way. Be creative.
When you have to say something to protect yourself:
If you are in a situation where you are continually be destructively criticised, it is your
responsibility to say something for the other person as well as for yourself. If a pattern
of destructive criticism is allowed to continue, it results in a lose/lose situation.
Do not: avoid it by walking away, or ignore it. This kind of behaviour either escalates
the situation, or results in no resolution, and things keep on building up.
Do not: yell back, as this escalates the destructive cycle.
The above strategies are defensive and shut down communication and possible solutions
to the problem.
Try: calmly moving into solution focus mode. How can I make it better? How would
you like it to be? Ask then to be more specific and focus on the behaviour that they want

to change What am I doing that you think is stupid? How do you think I could make it
better?
Using the broken record technique, and repeatedly getting them to focus on the
possible solutions can be very powerful in moving the conversation into a win/win
scenario.
When you have to criticise someone in front of a group:
Focus on the work rather than the person who did it
Focus on the group as a whole. Lets all look at this problem of meeting deadlines and
work out ways of improving
Coping with excuses:
Someone who repeatedly gives excuses is working from a place of insecurity. You need
to help them break the destructive cycle of excuses because it shuts down the possibility
of solutions. You can do this by building up their self esteem it is OK to make a
mistake, now lets see what we can do about it
Try breaking the cycle by instructing them not to respond right away, but rather to go
away and think about it, and you will discuss it again on Monday.
Try pointing out that continually making excuses is going to block improvement. Get
them thinking solutions.
A person who is skilled at managing difficult conversations is:
Aware of self and others
Recognises the importance of clarifying expectations
Views self and others as becoming better all the time
Owns their own issues and does not shoulder responsibility for other peoples issues
Actively focuses on solutions
Is a good role model
References
Lange & Jakubowsk Responsible Assertive Behaviour 1976
Hendrie Weisinger The Power of Positive Criticism 2000
Beverley Hare The Positive Way to Communicate Effectively 1994
Daniel Goleman Emotional Intelligence 1996
Matthew McKay and Patrick Fanning Self Esteem 2001
Matthew McKay and Patrick Fanning Successful Problem Solving 2002