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Resolution, Not Conflict

The guide to problem-solving.
by Susan Heitler, Ph.D.

When Your Mother Has a Borderline Personality

If your mother's love was, and still is, toxic, what are your options?

Experts

Susan Heitler, Ph.D., is the author

of many books, including From
Conflict to Resolution and The
Power of Two. She is a graduate of
Harvard University and New York
University.
more...

Published on October 31, 2012 by Susan Heitler, Ph.D. in Resolution, Not Conflict

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What is borderline personality disorder? It's a pattern of intensely hyperemotional responses, especially to situations that trigger abandonment
fears. It's a pattern of demanding, critical and chaotic relationships
instead of cooperative communicating. It's a pattern also of
misinterpreting situations as hurtful that are in fact benign, with the
misinterpretations ocuring either while the situation is happening, or in
retelling the events later. It also may be a pattern of attractive and highly
competent-appearing social functioning at times alternating with periods of
intense and inappropriate anger, narcissism, and explicitly hurtful behavior
(to themselves or to others).
What would you expect to see in a mother (or a dad) with borderline
personality features? Alas, you would see widespread domestic violence
of the verbal variety. That's because one hallmark of a borderline
personality is unpredictable raging.
In addition, you would see narcissism, that is, inability to attune to others'
needs, including her child's. Instead of attunement to the child's needs,
whatever happens would be experienced as 'all about her.'
You might alas also see abusive behavior. In fact if it's the man with
borderline tendencies, that is, if it's the dad who is difficult, his bpd pattern
is likely to be labeled abusive personality.
Here's a classic example of a borderline parent in a situation that most
dads or moms would react to with an easy hug. Mom and child are walking
on the sidewalk. Child falls. Mom erupts in fury. "How could you fall like
that here where everyone can see you? You are making me look bad!"
The child's concerns would be irrelevant. The mother's reaction to the
incident would be all about Mom.
I've written several articles about how children do and do not develop
borderline personality disorder: The Sleepover: How a Cute Little Girl
Develops Borderline Personality Disorder and How an Often-Angry Little
Girl Does Not Develop a Borderline Personality Disorder.

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In response to the second of these earlier articles, which discusses what

parents can do when children start raging, several readers wrote in about
their childhood experiences with the opposite situation: growing up with a
raging mom. This posting draws from their profoundly insightful comments.
So does this additional blogpost on the same subject. Lastly, the comments
from readers in response to this article have been profoundly enlightening
to me. Especially if there is an individual with borderline functioning in your
life, be sure to read these insightful contributions.
Thank you so much to all of you: Annie, Linda, Alison, Babs, Naomi, Verdi,
Kelly, Jose, Elijah, Crawford's Daughter, and the many others including the
various folks named Anonymous who have written in to my prior articles
and to the comments to this one. Thank you for sharing your stories, for
supporting each other, and for suggesting readings on the biological
elements of borderline functioning.

Find Local:

Please note: When I use the word Mother in this article I intend it to refer

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to either parent, Mom or Dad.

COMMENT
The power dynamic you describe in your article [Help for little girls who do
too much anger, which is about how parents can best handle children's
anger outbursts] is entirely reversed in the case of an abusive, controlling,
manipulative parent who uses rage and fear to control their children, of any
age.

(c) Fotosearch.com

People who grow up with raging,

screaming, physically and
emotionally abusive parents
become conditioned early in life to
totally obey, placate and cater to
their domineering parent, or risk
emotional or even physical injury to
their own self. So its like
confronting a huge, feral, enraged
wild animal to change the power
dynamic in such cases.

It takes a great deal of sheer courage for a person who has been
domineered his or her whole life by a parent who tantrums and rages,
blames, and lashes out when angry, to even attempt to leave their
presence when they begin raging at you. It took me until my mid-forties to
even think about trying it. The first time that I just left the room when my
bpd/npd mother started in having a rage-and-criticism fit at me, I felt scared
but very empowered.
And it does work! I really does. Sometimes it takes a long time and many
repetitions, and sometimes the behavior gets worse, even, before it gets
better, but it does work. Its the same technique you've described for
handling a toddler who is having a tantrum, its just exponentially more
difficult to actually have the guts to DO it when the person having the
rage-tantrum is one's parent.
RESPONSE FROM DR. HEITLER
Yes, I whole-heartedly agree, both with the applicability of exits to
interactions with adults of all types, and to how extremely difficult for a
child, even an adult child, to feel internally strong enough to implement the
strategy.
One person in her 40's that I worked with recently said she still couldn't
envision herself using the technique of exiting, of removing herself from the
situation, in response to her mother's rages. Even as a grown adult, her
fear of her mother's reprisals was still too potent. She still felt tiny and still
eperienced her mother as all-powerful. Reprisals in her case were now via
manipulation by guilt rather than physical or verbal abuse as they'd been in
her childhood, but the impact was the same.
COMMENT
I Have used your exit strategy intervention in my own life as well as
in my work!
I have discovered that the bathroom plays a very important role in a home
[with a borderline mother] as children are taught early on that it is a no
disturb zone, They are also experienced in knowing that it is a place
visited numerous times a day by all people so there is no sense of
abandonment when that door closes, unlike he front door of a home.
So, if during an interaction that is heating up, when a child [young or adult]
or a teen who is suffering from a raging or domineering parent, needs time
out and does not have the ability to Exit, a visit to the bathroom can
work wonders.
The exit-tothe-bathroom can be repeated as often as necessary.
In one case [in my clinical practice] the Mom actually got the message!!
She said in her tirade and now you are going to go into the bathroom,
RIGHT? And her daughter didnt respond. Later in the day when mom was
calmer, the daughter, age 11, said simply I go there when I am scared!
Mom was actually surprised when she thought back just how often her
daughter had been going to the bathroom. It was a signal to her to get help.

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RESPONSE FROM DR. HEITLER

I usually recommend "Excuse me, I need a drink of water" as a routine exit
comment for adult-to-adult exits. I very much like your bathroom exit
excuse however, particularly for situations in which both parties are not in
prior agreement on exit routines. It sounds also particularly apt for
situations with a power differential like for a child with a raging mother.
Thanks so much for this idea!
COMMENT
You wrote, "If parents want their child to stop screaming, theyd best stop
interacting with screaming as if it were a legitimate mode of
communication."
So true. Could say the same for
many politicians :)
RESPONSE FROM DR. HEITLER
Amen. I write about the problem of
excessively intense emotions in
political discourse in two articles:
The Problem With Over-Emotional
Political Rhetoric and 8 Ways to
Lose Friends ByTalking Politics.
COMMENT
Wonderful article, and great
technique!
(c) Fotosearch.com

Actually, a really similar technique is

often recommended at a support
group I belong to for the adult children of personality-disordered, (mostly
borderline pd and narcissistic pd) parents.
New members of these groups tend to arrive in a state of anxiety, stress,
guilt and fear because their bpd mother will call them on the phone and
verbally abuse them, rage at them or cry hysterically, for long stretches of
time and the adult non-pd child just takes it, having been trained to just
endure being abused, from birth.
The recommended response at the support group is to gently interrupt/talk
over the out-of-control pd parent early on, saying calmly something like,
"Mom, I can hear that you are upset but I'm not going to listen to you when
you are screaming at me/calling me names/crying/etc. I'm going to hang up
the phone now. We can try talking about this again tomorrow when you are
calmer."
RESPONSE FROM DR. HEITLER
It can be important therefore to keep in mind that the adult-childs job is not
to teach the parent but rather to protect herself. For that reason, any exit
method, provided it is kindly rather than mean, can work.
Sorry Mom. Gotta go now.
Woops Mom. The kids need me.
In other words, the abusive parent may or may not be willing or able to
learn. The key is that in any case your job is exit at the first sign of verbal
abuse ahead.
COMMENT
In my own personal opinion, the sad reality is that as long as the child is
dependent on the parent in any way: either the minor child who is
dependent in all ways, or the adult child who is still emotionally dependent
(or financially dependent, perhaps): in such cases the technique [of exits]
cannot be utilized [by the child] because of the power imbalance.
A person can only safely implement this technique (or any power play,
really) if he or she has the same power level/ status, or greater
power/status than the one who is raging.
f I as a small child or teen had dared

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to walk out of the room while my

mother was raging at me, well, she
possibly could have been triggered
into beating me to death. A small,
dependent child has to rely on the
"sane" parent to manage a mentally
ill spouse, it would be practically
suicidal for a small child to attempt a
confrontation with a raging, violent,
mentally ill parent.

RESPONSE FROM DR. HEITLER

You make a very important point. Power differentials definitely do inhibit
and can make totally impossible the walk-away option.
When the anger comes from the parent, the child may well have no
recourse except to hope for potential intervention from third parties, which
alas, did not seem to have come to your aid.
Interestingly, when a child rages, parents may feel like the power is in the
little one's hands. Particularly if they themselves were raised by a raging
parent, they may transfer the sense of a powerful other to their child. Then
when the child rages the parent flips into feeling small and powerless like
the way they had felt as children.
As to your having in your 40's begun to be able to experience power in the
relationship with your mother, bravo to you. I have seen significantly older
people who still are terrified of Mom's capacity to rage.
COMMENT
When my mother was in a violent rage she didn't seem to actually "be
there". My own mother didn't know me when she was raging at me. Her
pupils would dilate to the maximum so her eyes looked like shark eyes and
it was like she wasn't seeing me but she just had to scream at me and hit
me until she wore herself out. Sometimes she'd use the belt on me and my
younger sister and we'd have welts and bruises and sometimes broken
skin, but always only under our clothes where it didn't show.
Afterwards, momster sometimes would act like nothing at all unusual had
happened and would be all perky and cheerful. At other times she'd sob
and beg for forgiveness and demand that we hug her, comfort her and tell
her we loved her. Honestly, that had to be really crazy, psychotic behavior,
right? And it was traumatizing as hell for both us kids.
At least she never put us in the hospital, but then we'd learned to adapt:
we'd freeze in place and not antagonize her when she was raging, because
it seemed that possibly she could go to a place that was even more
dangerous and kill us accidentally, perhaps.
It was only well into my 40's and having reached a place where I was fairly
emotionally detached from my mother that I was able to implement the "just
walk away" tactic. She couldn't physically harm me any longer, and I had
basically stopped caring whether she was happy with me or not, so I had
nothing to lose.
Its just damned sad that when one has a moderately to severely
personality-disordered parent who is into raging and physical violence,
particularly a Cluster B parent, that the child has no option but to become
more or less detached from and indifferent to the parent's feelings out of
self-preservation. Really sad.
COMMENT
Thank you Dr. Susan for the resolution of handling an angry child.
Communication! Got the point on that. After all, both my children, my
daughter and my son, were also considered to be easily angry to get me
and my wife attentions.
RESPONSE FROM DR. HEITLER
Yes, children rage to get something, to get attention for what they want. At
the same time, giving attention in response to GOOD behavior is key.
The underlying message in responding to anger with exits MUST be that
"I'm glad to talk with you, to give you my full attention. And at the same time

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I will give you my attention only in response to quiet talking, not to whining,
yelling, or anger explosions."
Thanks for highlighting this point!
COMMENT

c) Fancy Images www.fotosearch.com Stock

Photography

I was diagnosed with BPD and never

showed any signs of it growing up. i
had no anger issues whatsoever, in
fact..i was quite calm and quiet. i
had loving parents, no abandonment
issues...so why is it angry children
are always associated with BPD?
while i realize that frequent/unstable
mood swings is one of the
diagnostic criteria of BPD i still
wonder, what it is that turned me into
this angry, overemotional ball of rage

that i am today.
RESPONSE FROM DR. HEITLER
A very important question: What does bring on adult-onset raging?
Heres several possibilities. One, several or all may pertain to your
situation.
You are partnering with people who only listen to you when you
rage.
You are partnering with people who act as if your raging is
acceptable behavior.
Something upsetting happened at some point that continues to boil
within you, so any small thing in the present can tip your energies
into boiling over. i.e., the trauma reset your amygdala to hyperactive
responsivity.
You had a parent or other caretaker who modeled bpd behavior.
An allergic or other physical reaction keeps your emotions on
easy-overload (allergies can impact any part of our bodies, not just
skin or runny noses)
You are misdiagnosed. Maybe your raging is from a bipolar rather
than a bpd phenomenon.

COMMENT
I have a spouse with BPD. When we first met, she would rage frequently.
Fortunately, and after many years of therapy, her rages have calmed down
considerably and now rarely even occur.
But I don't believe that "walking away" is always the right approach in
these situations, especially with my spouse. When I did that, it would just
serve to infuriate her further and often led to suicidal ideation or other
reckless behavior.
Instead, using the PUVAS skill provided much better results: Pay attention,
Understand what is being said, Validate the feelings (right or wrong), Assert
your position, Shift responsibility where it belongs. The validation is key.
Her rages were often a result of not feeling like she'd been heard or
understood (and validated). Maybe this approach should be different for a
child, but I can say for sure that it works well with adults.
RESPONSE FROM DR. HEITLER
You highlight another key point. For walking away to work between two
adults, the adults need to discuss it ahead of time and mutually agree on
choreography that feels good to them both. You are so right that if one
partner "walks out on" the other, that is going to worsen the situation. By
contrast, when spouses agree that if either of them begins heating up, they
both will turn in opposite directions, separate, cool down, and then
re-engage more constructively...that is a strategy that both partners can
participate in together.
COMMENT
I think that the most crucial and relevant factor in dealing effectively with
someone who has a problem with emotional regulation is the power
dynamic: the way to manage the situation and have it turn out well is highly

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dependent on the status/power of the two specific individuals involved

relative to each other.
I think Dr. Heitler's [exit] techniques would work well when the out-of-control
raging person is a child, (no power, no status) and the person managing
the situation is the parent or other care-giver (who has all the status and all
the power in the relationship and is calm, sane, compassionate and
empathetic.)
I think the PUVAS techniques (and other techniques like DEARMAN)
sometimes work well when the out-of-control raging person and the
recipient of the rage are both adults who have equal status or power in the
relationship: two adults who are friends, lovers, co-workers, spouses.
But when the out-of-control person has higher status and/or greater power
(physical power, legal power, etc.) than the recipient of the rage, such as
when the out-of-control rager is the parent and the recipient of the rage is
their child, or when the rager is a much older child who is a bully and the
recipient is a smaller, younger child, or the rager is the boss and you are
their employee, or the enraged person happens to be someone with a gun
who has targeted you for their rage... then you have virtually no options to
deal with the situation successfully.
When there is an extreme power imbalance and the lower-status individual
is the one being raged at, the recipient or target is basically screwed
unless they can physically escape or unless someone with equal or
greater status to the rager appears and intervenes.
That's the only point I want to make; dealing with emotionally charged
situations has everything to do with the power or status of the individuals
involved in relation to each other. A technique that works within a
relationship of equals does not necessarily work in a relationship of
unequal power.
RESPONSE FROM DR. HEITLER
My fellow PT blogger Loretta Breuning's book I, Mammal reminds us that
once we become emotional our mammalian brain takes over. Rage leaves
just the mammalian part of our brain working,
The underlying mammalian issue when we feel threatened is dominance,
ie, who has more power and who will give up and become submissive.
Thats why I agree 100% with the idea that for handling someone else's
rage the relative power differentials are a vital factor to consider.
As to the PUVAS technique, while it may work, to me enables bad behavior.
In my rulebook, grownups talk with each other. A spouse should not have
to listen to rants. Thats encouraging bad behavior. Angry folks need to
learn to calms themselves, think about the concerns that their feelings are
alerting them to, and talk with their partner in an adult-to-adult manner
about their concerns.
By the way, you might want to check my recent posting on Anger is a Stop
Sign . Its also listed on my blog at http://psychologytoday.com
/blog/resolution-not-conflict.
COMMENT
I sympathize. My mother is BPD, and I grew up in similar circumstances.
My father was as intimidated as I was, unfortunately and did not help me
with her so when I became big enough to confront her, I did, we fought until
I left home at 17 to escape her. I went 3,000 miles away.
As a child I tried to hide from her as much as possible, or just shrink into a
silent ball of fear. After I left I had nothing to do with her for many years.
Then I tried having a relationship, this did not work out well of course,
sought therapy and my therapist gave me the insight and courage to tell
her to buzz off.
She's 93 now in a home, writes to me, sometimes I write back, but that's it.
She whines about everything, including wanting to see me, but there is no
way I am doing that. Every time we make contact I sink into a prolonged
depression. Being around her is like drinking poison. My relatives blame
me for not having more to do with her, so she has destroyed my family
relationships, although that happened long ago when she blamed me for
evil things she was doing, as well as my father.

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Only my grandmother knew what was really happening. She was my friend
and ally.
RESPONSE FROM DR. HEITLER
Thanks for sharing your story, and especially for your last sentence.
"Only my grandmother knew what was really happening. She was my friend
and ally."
Research suggests that if a child has at least one person who validates
that the bpd parent is out of line, validating that the raging is not the child's
fault, the child's odds of growing into a normal and emotionally healthy
adulthood zoom up.
The moral of the story: grandparents, aunts, uncles, neighbors, and
teachers--your role is vitally important. If you see a child with a borderline
parent, your friendship to that child is hugely leveraged, a potentially great
blessing.

The
following Comment addresses the impacts of family members beyond
parents on kids. In this writer's case, alas, the interventions were primarily
negative rather than helpful.
COMMENT
So first, I'll caveat my comments by mentioning that I am not a parent. My
husband and I enjoy the company of our friends' children, and like being
aunt and uncle to my brother's step-daughter, but I have little direct
experience raising children. Bear that in mind when you read my comment,
because it is aimed primarily at teens and adults who are being emotionally
and verbally abused by people with BPD. That said, I will touch on my
experiences as a child being surrounded by BPD people by the end, which
may be helpful to some of the parents posting on here who have young
children.
Growing up, my extended family flew into rages and were unstable and
unpredictable from one moment to the next. Their tongue-lashings could be
cruel, and apparently haven't stopped. My uncle called our youngest
brother "lazy" several years ago for having the audacity to dual-major in
STEM and GIS IT, minor in German, do a bunch of internships and jobs in
his difficult field, and graduate later than he should have, in the "screwed"
Class of '09, which left him strictly with offers from employers in the
food-service sector.
Whether on the phone, or in-person, I told them that if they insisted on
raging at me, I would not speak to them until they could calm down. I would
sometimes phrase this as "I understand you are upset, but I have a right
not to be yelled at. I'm going to leave [hang up] until we can have a
conversation in a calm and productive manner." 9 times out of 10, this
worked. While I am no longer close with my extended family, on the rare
occasions when I do have to interact with them and one or the other of
them flies into their fits, I use this technique, typically to excellent results.
Anyway, I grew up emotionally abused by certain non-primary family
members, was sexually assaulted my senior year of college as "payback"
for not wanting to date an older male friend whose life consisted of sitting
in his mother's basement and crying about how his life was unfair, have

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been knocked around by an older male bully at nearly every job I've had (at
least one, maybe two, had BPD, and another two had NPD), and, since I
had no idea what a healthy relationship looked like, between my parents'
recent divorce and my relatives' constant bickering and abuse, I dated a
revolving door of abusive losers, both male and female, between the ages
of 15 and 23, until I met my husband and broke the cycle. This is a lot of
abuse and violence for one person to process and deal with, and I have
panic attacks secondary to PTSD as a result.
While the symptoms of PTSD vary from person to person, one symptom
that can dominate for some patients, especially women who've been
sexually assaulted or abused, is sudden outbursts of crying, or other
losses of emotional control that appear to come out of nowhere. This has
happened to me at work, and what I've done is either cry quietly in my
private office, cry in the bathroom, or hold in the tears until I was able to
get at least a quarter-mile away from the office/office park, at which point, I
cried it out until I could cry no more.
However, I usually reserve my crying for home, and when I first moved in
with my husband,just under 2 months after my 24th birthday, he was
confused and bewildered by my sudden emotional outbursts. Some women
have been misdiagnosed as BPD, when they're actually abuse victims with
PTSD, while other abuse victims are diagnosed as bipolar, and the
outbursts of anger/crying are characterized as "mixed-mood states." There
is still a stigma against women showing anger in psychiatry, which remains
a heavily male-dominated profession and continues to feature very genderdelineated DSM-IV/DSM-V diagnoses. So if your little girl is crying or acting
out a lot, but BPD or bipolar doesn't seem to fit, look closer, or "abres los
ojos," ("open your eyes") as we say in Spanish. It may be she's a victim of
abuse.
IN SUM, what are the options for children of raging borderline
mothers, dads or other adults?
When the parent is the raging one, what are the childs options? The child
usually feels helpless vis a vis the power of parents. They quickly learn to
do whatever they need to do to stay safe.
These conciliatory habits may
continue into adult life. Even when
the child has grown into physical
adulthood, the childhood terror of
others, and especially of mothers,
anger may persist.
Adult children of bpd moms do have
options. If s/he can summon up the
courage, the adult child can take a
(c) Fotosearch.com
role of parent to their bpd mom. As
adults they can learn to respond to Moms anger with exits. I.e., "I'm glad
to talk with you. And at the same time I will give you my attention only in
response to quiet talking, not to whining, yelling, or anger explosions."
Still, if mom traumatized her children when they were growing up, laying
down the law like this may feel close to impossible for the adult child of a
bpd.
At the same time, nothing succeeds like success. If the now-adult child of
the still-raging mom decides to try exits once or twice, with each success
the new regime is likely to get easier.
Lastly, I would like to re-emphasize the vital role of 3rd person
on-lookers.
If you see a mom who is raging with a child, do something. Speak up to
the mother with borderline personality patterns of parenting. Intervene.
Talk to her. Say something, anything, about how the raging is bad both for
her and for her her child. Explain that professional help could ease the
situation. Call authorities. Talk with the child and explain that Mom rages
because of her problems; her anger is not the childs fault. Do something.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Articles on this blog on the subject of borderline personality disorder:

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BPD: The Sufferer's Experience

Are BPD Drama Queens Manipulative and Sadistic?
When Your Mother Has a Borderline Personality (Part I)
More Info the Adult Children of Borderline Mothers (Part II)
Verbal Abuse of Children: What Can You Do About It?
Help For Little Girls Who Do Too Much Anger
From Cute Little Girl to Borderline Personality
Borderline Personality: Does a BPD Diagnosis Necessitate Raging?
New Treatments for Borderline Personality Disorder and Other Anger
Syndromes
Evil Genes: An Unconventional Perspective on BPD

Psychologist Susan Heitler, PhD, a graduate

of Harvard and NYU, is author of a book,
a workbook, and a website that teach the
collaborative communication habits for
relationship and marriage success.
To assess how your marriage is doing, try Dr.
Heitler's free relationship quiz.

Be sure to read the following responses to this post by our Bloggers:

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