MCAFEE MINISTERS MANUAL FOR

FUNERALS
Prepared by J. Truett Gannon,
Professor Emeritus of Ministry Experience, Mercer University
McAfee School of Theology
R. Alan Culpepper, Dean
Created 2006, Edited 2012
Compiled by Katye Parker Snipes,
Student Assistant to Dr. Gannon

CONTENTS:
A FUNERAL IS ONE OF MINISTRYS MOST TENDER MOMENTS
FUNERAL DIRECTORS
FUNERALS SHOULD TAKE HEAVY PRECEDENCE IN YOUR SCHEDULE
WHEN AND FOR WHOM DO YOU RETURN?
WHICH FUNERALS DO YOU ATTEND?
TWO KINDS OF GRIEF
DEATH TAKES TWO WAYS OF ENTERING OUR LIVES
CONSIDER THE FUNERALS PURPOSE
FUNERAL PREPARATIONS
THE VISITATION
PREPARING THE FUNERAL MESSAGE
THE FUNERAL
THE FUNERAL PROCESSION
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CREMATION
AT THE CEMETERY
AFTER THE CEMETERY
LATER ON
CONCLUSION

A FUNERAL IS ONE OF MINISTRYS MOST TENDER MOMENTS

The funeral is one of ministrys most tender moments. It is unique in its emotional mood and in
its spiritual impact upon the human spirit. Other ministry events, such as weddings and baptisms,
have their own dynamics of authentic spiritual influence. No other ministerial moment, however,
has the range of emotional and spiritual discernment as required by the funeral experience.
It is the time when the human spirit is wounded most deeply. It is the time when faith needs its
strongest affirmation and support. It is the time when persons are most vulnerable to almost any
kind of emotional support. It is the time when persons can be most responsive to the legitimate
and wholesome claims and characteristics of authentic and honest faith in Christ.
It is important that ministers become familiar with all the signs and stages of grief. While you
should not try to fit people into the stages of grief as you recognize them, you should learn to
recognize what grief tends to do to people. You are encouraged to find and to study as many
books as you can that will help you to learn the processes of grief. This manual is not an
exhausting study in the dynamics of grief. This manual will deal, primarily, with the ministers
comprehension and apprehension of spiritual responses to grief. I will make several references to
our recognition of grief stages which I believe to be relevant and valid. However, a detailed
study of grief is left for your suggested discretion.

FUNERAL DIRECTORS
It is crucially important that you relate well to the funeral directors in your area. You should
make a determined effort to know them and to learn to call them by name. Schedule a
conference with each funeral home your church members might deal with to get acquainted with
its personnel. Share your hopes for your funeral ministry and listen to their expectations
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concerning ministers and their funeral procedures. You need their cooperation and they want
yours.
Funeral directors can become some of your most trusted allies in your ministry to bereaved
families. Many funeral directors schedule conferences to help people deal with grief and loss.
You should become aware of all the ways funeral homes seek to help people. Cooperate with
them as fully as possible.

FUNERALS SHOULD TAKE HEAVY PRECEDENCE IN YOUR SCHEDULE

You should allow funerals to override virtually everything else in your busy schedule. There will
always be some commitments you cannot change, but do your very best to accommodate your
schedule to meet the desires of the families involved. When you can rearrange your schedule to
fit their hopes, you should do so.
It has been my experience that families were always willing to help me when there seemed to be
some irreconcilable conflict with my previous commitments, pending what these commitments
were, of course. This is why it is so important that you relate to the family and the funeral
director as early as possible in making the funeral arrangements. Both the family members and
the funeral director need to know when you are available and when there is some commitment
you need to not change. A good example of this is a previously scheduled funeral. This kind of
schedule conflict happened to me more than once, as it will to you.
You will have to decide how available you are willing to be. Are you willing to be called at any
time of the day or night? Are you willing to be called when you are out of town? These are
decisions only you can make, but you will have to learn to live with the consequences of your
availability choices.
I was visiting in my home state of Georgia over the Christmas holidays while I was serving a
church in another state. While away, I was informed of a death in my church. Although they said
they simply wanted me to know and although they never specifically asked me to have any part
in the funeral, I did not return. As a result, I almost never recovered a ministry relationship with
the members of that family and with those people who were close to the family of the deceased.
Yes, this is unfair. I cite it to remind you to relate to all people and to all needs as deeply as you
can, regardless of the depth of ministry that circumstances may permit you to be able to perform.
Trust yourself and trust God to help you make these difficult ministry choices, then do your best
to love and to forgive those who may not accept the choices you make.

For me, (I want you to know how crucial and how important this phrase needs to become to you,
also) I chose to always come back for funerals whenever it was possible for me to do so. I did
make one trip to Russia from which it would have been impossible for me to return upon a few
days notice. Fortunately, I was not asked to. I did fly home from conventions, however, once
from as far as California. I found that my people greatly respected this dedication to their needs
and I never found it to be problematic to me or to my family. Also, I found that my people
greatly respected my need to be away on some occasions. Most of the time, they were always
very gracious and considerate to my situations. Nonetheless, I chose to encourage them to always
call me and I chose to always make every effort to return for their funerals. I can hardly
remember any occasion when I was unable or unwilling to return. When on vacation, I could
usually leave my family on vacation, return for one day to conduct the funeral, then return to be
with my family for the rest of the vacation time. This never seemed burdensome for my family,
my children or for me.
I do not make this choice for you. You have to decide how and whether it will affect your
ministry relationships. I do encourage you, however, to make yourself as available as you can
when there are deaths among your church families.

WHEN AND FOR WHOM DO YOU RETURN?

The best answer to this question is every time and for every person, of course. Do your best to
never rate one church member as of more importance than another. I did try to follow these
theories of discernment. When asked to conduct the funeral, I came back. If it were just a matter
of attending the funeral, then I talked with the family members by phone to assure them of my
prayerful support. This was contingent, of course, upon my belief that my current commitment
was significant enough for me to not return. These kinds of decisions require much studied
contemplation and prayer.
When the deceased person was a member of another church or lived in another city, coming back
seemed to not require my presence as much. Upon my return, however, I always went,
immediately, to visit with the families concerned.
WHICH FUNERALS DO YOU ATTEND?
When you are asked to conduct the funeral, then you accept the request, if at all possible. This
was a non-negotiable consideration for me when the funeral was in my church area. When the
funeral was out of town, I still accepted the responsibility, unless it was completely impossible
for me to do so and unless the family completely understood why I felt that I had a more
compelling commitment.
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It was my experience that families who wanted me to conduct a loved ones funeral in another
city almost always paid my expenses. I never required that they do so and often made the trip at
my own expense. Nonetheless, I want you to realize that families will cover your expenses
almost all the time. When they dont, do not complain and do not let their not doing it adversely
affect your relationship with them or your affection for them. Do not let the amount of your
honorarium adversely affect the quality of your ministry to the people involved. When you are at
home and the funerals are in your home area, attend every funeral you can. A rule of thumb I
followed was to always attend the funerals of the members of each persons immediate family.
For me, this meant parent, child and sibling. Relatives more distant than these received as much
attention as I could give. Providing a ministry to distant relatives was not as major a
responsibility for me as my ministry was to the members of each persons immediate family.
It is as important to attend the funerals of your people and their families as it is to conduct them.
Your people will never forget your presence among them when they bury a loved one.
When you do attend these funerals, be certain to speak to the family while you are there. You
will not be showing off, advertising yourself or promoting yourself. You will simply be making
certain that they know you are there for them. You cannot have a ministry in absentia, even
though your may have been physically present for the service. Deliberately go out of your way to
speak to each family member when you attend the funeral of one of their loved ones.

TWO KINDS OF GRIEF

It was my friend John Claypool who reminded me there are two kinds of grief: There is your
own grief in ministry; and there is your ministry to grief. Both are important. It is important to
know the differences between them and to keep them distinct in your mind so you can recognize
the difference and respond as needed to both ministries.
Grief in ministry is the grief you feel for yourself and for the families you love. It is important
that you grieve over your own hurts and that you share in grieving over the hurts of your
families. When you are not touched by death, you will not be able to touch others in death.
Untouched by grief, your ministry to grief will be artificial and superficial, at best.
You must allow yourself to grieve; for yourself and on behalf of others. Do not stifle your grief
for yourself. You do not need to portray yourself as being above grief. No one is. People need to
sense that you are speaking to the depths of their hurts and needs from the depths of your own
hurts and needs. Faith cannot speak to faith unless the faith in you speaks to the faith in them.
You need to become a minister/person who understands what grief does to each of us.

Keep your grief subservient to your peoples grief, however. Let your grief be subordinate to
theirs, but do not ever let your mastery of your grief make you appear to be superior to them.
You must learn to subdue your grief in faith so your grief will not prevent you from conveying
faith. That can be real even in the presence of grief.
When one of my friends from the Waffle House died, I was stunned. I was so stunned that I was
unaware that I was nursing my own grief more than I was feeding the faith of his widow. My
other two Waffle House friends, Joe Rogers, Sr. and Tom Forkner, took me to the widow and
said, Well be back in a little while. They took me to the nearest Waffle House, ordered 3 tbone steaks for us and sat with me silently as we ate. I assumed they were just buying dinner for
me. When we finished eating, they said to me, Do you think youve rested enough, now, you
can go back and minister to Marjorie, rather than to yourself?
I will never forget that moment. It helped me admit my own grief, soothe my own grief, yet
realize that I had to soothe Marjories grief more than just be absorbed by my own grief. Always
encourage your friends to help you realize when you are ministering to your own needs more
than you are ministering to the needs of your people.
Grief to ministry is what you do to help others grieve for themselves in Christ. Again, from my
friend Dr. Claypool, Ministry is at its best is when you are helping people find resources in
Christ for healthy spirituality. This is our prayerful objective in our funeral ministry.
Learn all you can about the stages of grief, but do not try to make people grieve according to the
order in which you think grief stages should occur and are supposed to occur. My mentor and
professor, Dr. J. Leo Green, used to say, People do not sob in logical sequence. Let the stages
happen as they happen. You should be with them to recognize their stages and to minister to
them as the stages happen. It is not your privilege to control their grief process or to make certain
that they grieve in ways you think they should. Let them grieve as they grieve and help them find
some spiritual authenticity in the midst of grief as they are responding to it.
Let them feel what they feel. There are no feelings they should feel and there are no feelings they
should not feel. There are no inappropriate feelings, there are just feelings. Well deal with poor
theology later. For the moment, your job is to help them discover as much sense of integrity in
what they are feeling as you can.
Teach your people that they can grieve as they feel and as they choose. In other words, keep the
personhood of your people be more important than ways in which you think grief ought to take
place. They are not inauthentic just because they are not following your grief pattern.

Do not keep people at arms length during their grief process, either. They do need to know that
you have been touched by their grief and that you respect the integrity and reality of their own
grief experience.
We often do many things to avoid being affected by grief. Sometimes we even read Scripture as
a way to avoid being touched by anything that hurts. Read Scripture, of course; do realize,
however, that sometimes you can read it as a substitute for allowing yourself to feel the agony
that your parishioners are feeling.
When you read Scripture, do so thoughtfully and sympathetically. Select passages that will be
evidently helpful to your people, passages that reassure them of the actuality of Gods love. I
remember Dr. Young telling us of the pastor who would simply give people a Bible and say,
Read in it, anywhere. Its all good. Surely you can be more spiritually selective and more
scripturally helpful that that.
Grief in ministry and ministry to those grieving are deeply challenging facets of the same
ministry coin. Remember the words of C. Otis Brooks, Grief is not easy. It has its own slow
wisdom. Give yourself and your people time for God to patiently teach His grace through our
patient willingness to grieve.
Time will help. I believe this is a good metaphor for what grief does to us. Can you see in the
dark? Yes, but neither easily nor clearly during those moments that follow a sudden loss of light.
Remember this analogy. The first thing that sudden grief does to our emotion is what sudden
darkness does to our sight. It blinds us to what we used to see and to what we want to see.
The first thing grief does is to blind our faith-eyes to the presence of God. Its first impact seems
to make all the promises of God seem unreal. These promises are not unreal. We just need to
give our spiritual eyes time to focus our faith, just as we give our eyes time to adjust to sudden
darkness. Faith that is patient and persistent can never see as clearly as before the darkness, but
we can learn to see clearly enough to find our way in the darkness.
I spent a year having weekly luncheons with a friend whose professional career was in jeopardy
during that entire time. In the lunch after which he was to leave to face the uncertainties of what
was going to happen to his employment, he said, As I sat waiting for the sun go down and
thought of potentially losing my job last night, I became angry. I became angry at everything
around me. I even became angry at the darkness as it came and took away the beautiful colors of
the azaleas, just outside my den window.
Then, long into the night, I came to realize that the darkness hadnt taken away the color of my
azaleas; the darkness had only blinded my eyes to their beauty. I realized that if I could just make
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it through the night, the sun would rise, again, and in its restoring light, I would discover that the
beautiful color in my azaleas would still be there. So I took renewed hope in the night and in my
ministry potential.
I came to believe that if I can just faith my way through this darkness of uncertainty, God will
restore my faith sight and the beauty and reality of Gods promises will be just as bright and just
as wonderful as they have ever been. So I pray, in the spirit of the father in Mark 9:24, who said,
I believe, Lord; help thou (KJV) my unbelief.
Give yourself and your people time to grieve. That will give God time to open our eyes to everexisting and non-failing grace. Remember the words of Mulholland, from your spiritual
formation class, Faith is believing God is at work, even when you can see no evidence.

DEATH TAKES TWO WAYS OF ENTERING OUR LIVES

Death comes in two basic ways; announced and unannounced.
By unannounced, I refer to those times when the first notice you are given that death might occur
is when you are told that death has already occurred. A doctor friend once told me that there are
experiences in which the first symptom that the patient is having a heart attack is sudden death.
Life is filled with these possible scenarios, such as car wrecks in which a person has already died
at the scene of the accident or any sudden natural disaster and tragedy in which death has already
happened.
By announced, I refer to those experiences in which we are told that death is almost certainly
going to occur. This is when we hear the dreaded word cancer with its time-limiting prognosis;
or when we receive word that a person has been in an automobile accident and is in the hospital
not expected to live.
Unannounced death requires that we absorb the actuality of death. Announced death requires that
we absorb the probability of death. Both are almost impossible to comprehend. Both
pronouncements defy all logic and both pronouncements leave the human spirit feeling deeply
confused and helpless. While it is very important that the minister study what an individual
should try to do upon learning of the devastating intrusion of death into ones personal
experience, I shall deal more closely with how the minister responds when she/he learns that
death has intruded upon one of her/his church members.
When you learn that death has already occurred, you should go as quickly as possible to be with
the family of the deceased. This is as true in the middle of the night as it is during the middle of
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the day. When people call you about death, they are not just informing you of the death, they are
requesting that you come help them deal with the death. It is imperative that you go.
Circumstances affect your response, of course. If they call you from the hospital, ask if they are
going to be there long enough for you to get there. It may be that they are anxious to leave and
get home. When this is true, be at their home when they arrive.
Some dear church members called me from a hospital in another city. Their daughter had been
pronounced dead at the accident scene and they were ready to leave for home. Had they
remained at the hospital long enough for me to make the 30-hour journey, I would have gone.
Since they were leaving, I met them in their home when they arrived.
When you learn of a death that happened 2 or 3 weeks, ago, you should still find the family as
quickly as you can. Do not avoid them because you may be embarrassed at not having know of
the death; go. When you find them, simply acknowledge that you have just heard about the death
and you are there to share your love and sympathy with them.
Do not deal with whether they should have informed you of the death and certainly do not tell
them they should have informed you. Just acknowledge that you have learned of the death in
their family and want them to know of your sympathetic affection.
When death becomes part of the prognosis for any one of your members, this is the time to begin
a strong relationship with the person for whom death has become a real threat to her/his life and
with every member of that persons immediate family. If the patient is given more than six
months to live, then you should visit that person monthly, for the next four months. If the
prediction is less than six months, you should visit bi-weekly until you are within one month of
the expected death. You should visit, weekly, during the last six weeks of the persons illness.
This includes members of the patients immediate family, if they live in the same area with your
patient. If they live in another city, then you should begin a correspondence with those family
members, assuring them of your love and concern for them as they face the critical issues of the
illness.
Be careful to neither presume death nor preclude death. You want to avoid every degree of any
fatalistic hopelessness and you want to be certain not to over promise God. Help keep hope
strong for every one and continually reassure everyone of the gracious love and care of God.
You should neither discourage their faith in prayer for a miracle nor promise them a miracle
through prayers. Prepare your prayer content well in order that through your prayers you can
help every one find spiritual comfort in God. You want them to find and a sense of comfort in
God that will strengthen their individual faith and their relationships of love. They will need
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each other greatly as they minister to one another in these new and strange dynamics of
responding to a critical illness.
One objective of your ministry during these months is to provide them with a safe personal
relationship in which they can talk freely and fearlessly about their possibility of dying. They
need a person of faith with whom they can share their fears and from whom they will receive
hope in Christ concerning their anxieties.
In other words, assure them they can talk with you about what it means to face impending death.
This is not easy. Death is a life-issue we cannot comfortably discuss, even when the impending
death is not about us. Try to imagine how much more uncomfortable it will be when the death is
about you.
We knew our friend was dying, so my family and I visited him in the hospital. Every member of
his family was present, for they too knew he was dying. When we walked in the room, he said
quite abruptly, Life is just too short.
It caught us all by surprise. None of us wanted to deal with the harsh reality of his impending
death; and so, none of us responded to or picked up on his comment. It chilled us for a moment,
but we retreated, quickly, into the safety of laughter about many of the happy times we had
shared. Someone, especially me, should have said, Yes, it is! Then, in the quietness that would
have followed, we could have absorbed the reality of his impending death. We didnt do that,
however; and as a result, none of us ever affirmed my friend as he wanted to at least admit the
agony and regret of not being able to live longer. It was a great ministry moment, marred by our
unwillingness to really stand in the presence of imminent death.
I had one experience in one of my CPE peer groups that helped me realize the value and
challenge of letting people talk to you about their death. A fellow chaplain was sharing a
verbatim report of one of his hospital visits. He said, When I entered the room, I walked to the
bed and introduced myself, saying, Hello, Im Chaplain _______. The patient responded, Oh,
do you visit every dying patient? Not knowing what to say, I replied, No, and turned and
introduced myself to his wife who was standing by the bed.
Our supervisor interrupted the verbatim and said, Wait a minute. Why did you turn away from
him when he asked you if you visited every dying patient? Why werent you able to just say,
Yes, then wait for him to say whatever it was that was obviously on his mind? Did you hear no
appeal in his voice for some one to talk to? It was a graphic lesson through which we all
admitted our discomfort in talking about death. Nonetheless, people who face death need a
trusted mentor/minister who can at least provide them with a safe environment in which to voice

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their concerns. People need ministers who will learn how to guide them through their valley of
the shadow of death.

CONSIDER THE FUNERALS PURPOSE

For me, funerals are for burying the dead and for providing an authentic Christian witness to
Jesus claim that people who believe in Him shall live, even though they die; John 11:25. This is
a promise on which the tired heart can rest.
While it is a time to give wholesome assurance of salvation in Christ, it is not the time for a mass
evangelism effort. While it is a time to give sound theological assurance of Gods grace, it is not
the time for theological instruction. It is a time to bury the deceased and bring spiritual comfort
to the survivors.
While it is a time to assure people in Gods promises, it is not the time to defend God. It was
service for a teen-aged girl who had been killed in a tragic car accident. The minister began the
service by saying, angrily, God didnt do this! His deep anger kept most of us from feeling
comforted by the preachers claim. I, too, believe God does not do things like this, but I believe
the funeral is not the time to just defend God; or to explain God, for that matter.
I, too, believe we should not make God accountable for tragedy, such as car wrecks. However,
Barbara Brown Taylor has reminded me graciously that even though the theology of believing
God is responsible for everything may have its theological flaws, at the time of some sudden
tragedy, people need to believe, somehow, that God IS having something to do with their hurt,
even though their choice of words describing their faith may be theologically inaccurate to some.
The ministers task at the time of the funeral is to help people keep believing in God. We can
straighten their theological semantics later.
The funeral is the time to share hurt and sorrow. Do allow yourself to be touched by their grief.
Do be gracious enough to permit them to have their grief and do be gracious enough to affirm
that their grief is real.
I was attending the funeral of the granddaughter of friends. When I saw the grandmother, her
first words to me were, Truett, the light of our lives has gone out. There is only one real and
sincere response to that statement. Our tendency is to say, Oh, no, it hasnt, as though to
reassure them that times will get better. Im not certain who is being reassured when we wont
permit people to share their deepest fears and hurts. The only real and genuine answer to her
statement is to say, Yes, it has! To deny a grandmother her hurt is to invalidate her sorrow and
to invalidate her as a person. It is to imply there is something wrong with her feelings. She needs
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the assurance that the tragedy is as real as she thinks it is. It is terrifically encouraging when
some ones grief is affirmed by someone who is hurt by it as deeply as they are.
Dont tell them you know how they feel; you dont. Even if you have shared the loss of a same
relative, you know only how you feel. You dont know how they feel. None of us is that
omniscient.

FUNERAL PREPARATIONS
Your first visit to a bereaved family is made as soon as you learn of the death. This visit is to
assure them of your love and support and is to minister to them in their moments of immediate
grief.
It is not necessary that you go with the family to the funeral home when they are making plans
for the service. This is usually done on the day after the death. It is permissible for you to go with
them to the funeral home, but only if they let you know they would like for you to.
If you go to the funeral home, do not participate in the business aspects of the funeral contract.
You may advise the family upon their request. However, it is not your privilege to engage in any
financial negotiation with the funeral director.
Your second visit is to discuss plans for the funeral with the family. Arrange a time when you
can sit with as many of the family as possible and discuss their hopes for the funeral. Ask them
what they want to do. Ask them even what they want you to say. Do your very best to plan the
service as they want it conducted. Always be receptive to letting other ministers assist you in the
service if the family asks.
Ask what music they want. Do they have any one who will sing? Do they want any
congregational hymns sung? Will they use the organist from the funeral home or will they get
some one of their own choosing to play? They may also wish for pre-recorded music to be
played. I have found this can be done in good taste, but do make certain this will add to the
service not take away from it. Be sure the music is appropriate for your context and be certain
the technology is in place for this to run smoothly.
The funeral director will tell the family all they need to do for the funeral homes sake, including
getting the announcement in the newspaper. I have included in the appendixes a family reminder
list from A. S. Turner & Sons funeral home. This is for you to become aware of these needs and
services.

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It is the ministers responsibility to create the order of service and provide copies of it for all
participants, including two or three copies for the funeral directors. You need to ask the family if
they want you to provide copies of the service for the congregation. This is usually not done
when the service is held in the funeral home, but it is permissible either in the church or in the
funeral home.
It will be very helpful to you and to the family if you ask them to share with you their special
memories of the deceased. The resolution of grief is not amnesia, so it will be very uplifting to
the family for them to remember their loved one with you. To not remember and to not voice
memories of loved ones is to make it seem as if the person never existed. It is always helpful to
discuss loved ones now deceased. It is helpful to call their names. This will be a very healing
time for everyone.
This will help you in your preparation for your eulogy also. I suggest you spend at least fifteen
minutes or so with the family, listening and processing for yourself their memories of happy
moments with their family member. There is always the possibility they will share some hurt or
regret related to their loved one. Should this happen, it will give you an excellent opportunity to
help them sense the essence of Gods forgiveness and grace over every human need. This will be
an excellent foundation for your ministry of helping them accept their loved ones death and
helping them spiritually commit their loved one into the care of God.

THE VISITATION
The family usually receives friends on the evening before the funeral. Some families will receive
friends from 2 4 p.m. and from 6 8 p.m. Many families will receive friends at night only.
Either way is permissible, but you might wish to remind the family that four hours of receiving
friends can seem like a long time.
There seems to be a trend toward receiving friends on the same day as the funeral. If the funeral
is at 1:00 p.m., for example, friends can be received from 11:00 a.m. till time for the service. I
have seen this procedure work very well. It is important that the minister attend these visitations.
You should plan to arrive fifteen minutes prior to the time the visitation is to begin. This will
give you a few moments in private with the family as they begin their viewing of their loved one
for the last time. You can be a source of great comfort at this time.
Plan to share the visitation for at least thirty minutes. You need to speak to every person who is
present, as well as with every family member who has come into town for the service. Your
other church members need your ministry during these visitations also. You should thank each
person for caring enough to come and share the service.
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PREPARING THE FUNERAL MESSAGE

You will want to know as much as you can about the character and personality of the person
whose funeral you are to conduct. This is why it is so important that you visit, regularly, in the
home of the family during the days of the illness that caused death. Let your spirit become
sensitive to everything you hear and see as you relate to them. Record your feelings and insights
quickly so you will be able to refresh your memory when it comes time to deliver the eulogy.
This is also why it is so important for you to get to know every member of your church. Some of
them are going to die. Some will die before you get a chance to know them, of course.
Nonetheless, it remains important that you work diligently to get to know your people.
You will be called on to preach funerals of people whom you do not know. This will always be
difficult, but it can be done with grace. Your visit in the home to prepare for the service will be
so helpful to you in this responsibility. When you can sense how deeply the family loved one
another, this will certainly color how you will deliver the eulogy. If they loved, that will enable
you to truly preach in love and about love, as you respond to their spiritual needs and hopes.
You dont have to pretend that you did know the person. They know you did not. You can say
things, like, I heard you say that Im impressed with that. It reminds me of, and you can
share illustrations that affirm the good qualities they have remembered.
When I preach the funeral of someone I have not known, I spend a lot of time with the family
and with their friends during the visitation. I ask family and friends to tell me what they
remember about the deceased. This enables me to sense the mood of every ones response to life,
to death and even to sense their spiritual needs. This helps me recognize how to affirm them in
their spiritual realities and how to help them discover those spiritual realities in areas where they
need guidance and healing. Find out where their heart is and then preach from your heart to
theirs in Christs love. You can follow these same procedures with people you know and with
people who are members of your church. Just remember to invest yourself heavily in these
opportunities and responsibilities for an effective funeral ministry.
Let your eulogy celebrate the life of the deceased. You are there to help families remember and
celebrate those qualities that endeared their relationship with the deceased and made their
relationship with the deceased a relationship of love and affirmation. Be certain to call the name
of the deceased and to mention the names of immediate family members. Do not let any funeral
become generic in any sense.

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Be careful to not say the same things in every funeral. I have heard some ministers who have
become so scripted in their funeral procedures that I could say their words for them. It would be
easy to do; they always say the same things, regardless of whose funeral is being conducted.
Be careful to not be victimized by the need to be too different in each funeral. I heard one
minister begin a funeral by saying, Ive never use the same passage of Scripture for any two
funerals. I always try to use a different passage for each service. So, for todays service, I have
chosen By then, we had lost all confidence in Scripture as a source of genuine comfort; at
least, I had.
In your eulogy, be genuine and be sincere. You do want to help the family celebrate the life of
the loved one they have lost. Share many good things you can recall about the person.
Remember, however, to talk about the deceased. The funeral is not the time for you to announce
how faithful you were to visit with while she/he was ill. It will be all right to share a personal
story as long as you are talking about the deceased rather than yourself.
Give the people as much spiritual comfort and guidance as you can. It will not be necessary to
preach, however. The funeral is a time for affirmation, not exhortation.
Let your eulogy end with a strong affirmation of faith that everyone can feel they share. You are
to celebrate the life of the deceased and you are to build hope in Gods tomorrows in the faith of
the survivors. Let the words of your eulogy as well as the demeanor of your spirit reflect your
confidence in the reality of Gods grace for funeral hurts and hopes.

THE FUNERAL
Always arrive forty-five minutes early. You need time to refresh funeral plans with the family.
Explain to the family all that is going to happen. Do not let them have to wonder what is going to
happen next.
The funeral director will come into the family room a few minutes before the service is to begin.
She/he will ask everyone except the family to go on to the chapel or to the sanctuary. Then,
she/he will announce that you are going to lead in prayer. Assemble the family and ask Gods
blessings upon the family and upon the service.
Funeral directors usually assume that the minister will lead the family procession into the chapel.
I almost always accept this structure, but there are times when I think I need to walk with the
family instead of ahead of them. Explaining this ahead of time to the funeral director always
gains his/her support.
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Provide copies of your order of service to the funeral directors and to family members as soon as
you arrive. Every person participating in the service needs this written information. Explain to
each participant when they will speak or sing and whether they will be introduced. Show them
where they are to sit and to stand. It is always good to speak to the organist and soloist before the
service begins.
There is a trend of late to give opportunities for anyone who wishes to speak a word of affection
for the deceased. This can be good, but it needs to be carefully and wisely directed. Without
good leadership, this can become much more involved than it needs to be and can end up adding
a lot of unnecessary time to the length of the service.
It is better to invite people to speak rather than to just ask if any one wishes to speak. You can
ask the family if they wish to have this done, then these speakers can be included in the written
order of service. This will avoid letting the length of the service get out of hand.
Usually the casket is brought to the chapel after the family has left the waiting room. When the
funeral is in a church, the casket usually lies in state for an hour or so before the funeral and will
already be in place.
When the funeral is over, the funeral directors will guide you to your place in the recessional. I
think it is fitting for you to stand reverently by the door to the hearse as the pallbearers place the
casket inside. Speak briefly to the family as they arrive at their cars. Stand near your car so you
will be ready to leave when everything is ready.
If you do not know what a pall is, I think you would enjoy finding out. A pall is a cover for the
casket, usually made of black, purple or white velvet. Traditionally, it was used to adorn the
casket as it lay in state. In some customs people carried the pall over the casket as it was taken to
the grave. This is where the term pall-bearers originated. Now we use the term simply to refer
to the people who carry the casket. I have conducted only three funerals that used a pall over the
casket. Using a pall can give some reverence to the casket.
You will drive exactly behind the hearse. Family members will follow you. Remember to turn on
your lights and your flashers as you drive in the procession.

THE FUNERAL PROCESSION

You should always have a police escort when you have a funeral procession. Traffic patterns are
much to complex to add a procession of cars, all of whom want to arrive at the same place at the
same time, without the assistance of a trained police escort.
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It is the funeral homes responsibility to offer this service. It is the ministers responsibility to
become aware of the need for a police escort so you can advise families concerning the wisdom
of this service. The family will have to pay for this service, rather than the funeral home, but it is
much more of a necessity now than a luxury.
Distance from the funeral site to the grave site must be considered, of course. When the burial is
in another city, a time for the burial can be selected and announced. People who wish to attend
the burial can then travel at their own discretion. This can be a good procedure, though, even
when the burial is in the same city as the funeral. Consider the time needed for travel and ask
friends simply to meet at the cemetery at a predetermined time.
Funeral processions are still valid and meaningful, however. A procession can give a sense of
dignity to the burial of some ones loved one. It is similar to the pastor walking beside the casket.
While I prefer walking with the family, under conditions I have mentioned, ministers should
remember that when they are walking beside a casket, they are showing respect to some ones
beloved family member. Whether you walk by the casket or with the family, do it with dignity.

CREMATION
Cremation is an honorable and Christian method for disposition of the deceased human body,
and ministers can help families understand that they can consider cremation as a wholesome and
Christian burial option. When cremation has taken place, there is no casket and hence no casket
to be buried. Sometimes people will want to bury the cremation urn or place it in a vault. This
procedure should be conducted with the same love and kindness as the burial of a casket.
Sometimes families may choose to save the urn as a keepsake. This is honorable and Christian
also. In this case, there will be no burial follow-up.
Sometimes families will want to scatter the cremains (ashes) in or over some special place that is
meaningful to the family or was meaningful to the deceased. A friend of mine scattered the
cremains of her husband over the Potomac River, where he had founded a university rowing
team. It was an appropriate memory gesture for her.
I was asked to scatter a persons cremains (ashes) over the graves of both his parents. This was
requested by the mans children who felt it was what he would have wanted. I admit that I felt
some new and unfamiliar emotions as I placed my hand into the urn to retrieve the ashes, but I
did; and I scattered them all. Afterwards, when I felt the gratitude of the children, I knew I had
done a good thing.
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AT THE CEMETERY
When you arrive at the cemetery, the funeral director will direct you to drive your car around the
hearse and park. This will enable you to leave, comfortably, when the service is over. However,
do not be quick to leave and do not be the first to leave. Plan your schedule so you will not be in
a hurry to leave. You need to give up any need to have people always take note of how busy you
are. At the cemetery, let them take note of how kind and gracious you are and willing you are to
take time for their funeral.
The funeral director will usually want you to walk in front of the casket as the pallbearers take it
from the hearse to the grace. Again, I do this, except when I feel the need to walk with the
family. And, again, explaining this to the funeral director will help him understand what you are
doing.
It is customary to stand at the end of the casket where the head of the person is placed. As soon
as you arrive at the grave site, ask the people receiving the casket which end the head is on.
Remember, also, to thank them for their assistance in placing the casket. I stand at the head near
the end of the row of chairs where the family is sitting. Remember to speak more loudly than you
might usually speak. You are outside and you want every one in the group to hear your words.
As you face a casket from the family viewing side, the head will always be to the left. At the
other end of the casket are two cylindrical tubes, each with a cap screwed on. One is the
memorial tube, in which identification papers are placed. The other is an entry into the casket
mechanism through which the top of the casket can be tightened. You can easily recognize the
tubes because each will always have a cap on it. These tubes are always on the foot end of the
casket.
The funeral director will notify you when every visitor to the graveside is in place and you can
begin. Speak loudly, but speak directly to the family. Keep your burial ritual brief and
meaningful. Read Scripture and offer a prayer. Even though I have previously told you to avoid
always saying the same words, I have a story that I almost always use at burials. I have included
this story in Appendix A. You may read it. If it impresses you, you may use it.
Ask the funeral director if anything else is to follow your benediction. When the deceased is a
veteran, there is often a flag-folding ceremony, after which the flag is presented to the family.
You will need to know about these plans in order to allow for the service to flow smoothly.
Recently, a dove was released following a burial. I was not prepared for this ceremony and was
somewhat shaken by my unawareness of the event. I had not been told that this was going to
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happen, but then neither did I ask if anything out of the ordinary were going to happen, so I was
partially responsible for my confusion. Remembering to ask questions can always save you some
unnecessary embarrassment.
After the benediction, the funeral director will give you time to speak to each member of the
family. Please have something significant to say. Speak to each person in a personal way. Be
certain to shake hands with every one, especially with a child who may be sitting in a mothers
lap or standing behind an adult. It is not necessary to speak to people in the second row, although
to do so is quite kind.
When you have spoken with every one, the funeral director will come and guide the family to
leave the grave. You can stay around to talk with them again, and to talk with the guests who
came for the burial. Be certain that you are not the first to leave.

AFTER THE CEMETERY

If lunch or dinner has been prepared for the family, do your best to go to the home and share it.
Allow the family to invite you, but if they do please go. This can be a time of good, affirming
fellowship for you and for everyone. It may take an extra hour. However, can you not arrange to
give each grieving family a little extra consideration on the day of the funeral? I think your
presence among them would be well worth whatever effort it may take for you to be there.

LATER ON
Remember to write five letters of condolence and spiritual guidance: One, thanking the family
for their honorarium and for letting you have the honor to have conducted their loved ones
funeral; two, one month to the day after the funeral telling they you are continuing to pray for
them; and three, four and five, at the next Easter, Thanksgiving or Christmas, in whatever order
these may occur after the funeral. Let them know that you are aware special holidays such as
these can require some faith adjustment to your grief and that you are still praying for them,
especially during these special days. Remind them also that their memory of their loved one can
give special and positive blessings during these first holidays following the death.

CONCLUSION
I want you to remember and to believe that funerals are moments through which some of our
greatest spiritual ministries can and do take place. I want you to become comfortably
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uncomfortable in this ministry. As grief covered as they are, funerals can give you some of your
most memorable ministry moments. Do not be afraid of them.
Trust in God; be yourself; give yourself to your people. Be willing to hurt for and with them, for
Christs sake. Together, you and your people will find deep spiritual comfort in God, as you
minister to one another in Christ during your moments of shared grief.
So go ahead. Risk your faith. Trust your spirituality. Follow your Spirit-led instincts. Youll be
warmly affirmed and encouraged by your people who will never forget your Christ-like presence
among them when they were grieving. I truly wish you well in the Lord.

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