I I S T H E O N L Y L O O P

this is the second of two letters from antar vishwas.

to know about him, see his first letter titled : seeing the false as false.

beloved gurudev,
thank you seems such an inadequate thing to say for your loving
response to my long letter... and for the knocks on my head for
entertaining stupid doubts and asking questions about me
being deserving and being accepted.
i apologize for having doubted it in the first place.
after reading your response, i thought, i will reply to it after...
at least doing few of the things... that you have suggested me to do.
in the last 16 days, i have... whenever i remembered it...
made attempts at
trying to be passive
reminding myself this is not me
whenever i catch myself getting carried away with my mind
in terms of thoughts, judgments, condemnation etc.
wondering who is it... that is watching these thoughts,
experiencing the sensation of pain in the feet.
but there is a nagging fear... that even these i might be reducing
into a process of thinking... because i invariably verbalize them.
for example, i tell myself be passive instead of just being passive.
or, when there is pain in my feet, a sentence springs up
who or what is this... that is experiencing this pain?
this raises doubts as to...
whether i have replaced old thoughts with new ones ?
if i continue doing this, am i just going into a different loop ?
or is this my minds game in trying to make me give up these attempts?
...or have i just not tried enough?
without telling myself verbally... to turn my attention
on to the watcher... how can i turn the attention
from watching and that which is being watched... to the watcher ?
or just the realization that my attention is on watching
and that which is watched, is enough?
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gurudev, am i just getting caught in irrelevant questions and doubts

and should i just shut up and continue what i am doing for a few months
at least and see what it brings?
pranm, anthar vishwas
whosoever's response
beloved gurudev,
thank you seems such an inadequate thing to say for your loving
response to my long letter... and for the knocks on my head for
entertaining stupid doubts and asking questions about me...
being deserving and being accepted.
i apologize for having doubted it in the first place.
...vishwas, find out where is this i... who is apologizing ?
after reading your response, i thought, i will reply to it after...
at least doing few of the things... that you have suggested me to do.
...i thought, i will where does this i reside... find out its hide-out.
in the last 16 days, i have... whenever i remembered it...
made attempts at
trying to be passive
...where is the need of trying to be passive?
if one is not active, one is already passive.
reminding myself this is not me
whenever i catch myself getting carried away with my mind
in terms of thoughts, judgments, condemnation etc.
...look back who gets carried away ?
does there exist such a thing called mind ?
if yes, why not find its location ?
keep an eye on the one...
who gets carried away by thoughts, judgments and condemnation.
wondering who is it... that is watching these thoughts,
experiencing the sensation of pain in the feet.
...yes. here is the real crux of the matter.
desirous meditators spend years and years finding the answer of
such questions but you dont even have time to come here and ask.
your time is very valuable you want to be spoon-fed isnt it ?
you think it is a pizza... which can be delivered at your door !
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or do you want me to come to your office, or the house...

to teach and explain it to you... until you are satisfied ?
oh my dear... comfort and convenience-seeking one !
there is only wondering actually there is no who.
there is only witnessing of whatsoever thoughts,
experiences or sensations but there is no watcher.
but there is a nagging fear... that even these i might be reducing
into a process of thinking... because i invariably verbalize them.
...yes, that is what is happening.
for example, i tell myself be passive instead of just being passive.
...again yes. this is right. this is what is happening.
or, when there is pain in my feet, a sentence springs up
who or what is this... that is experiencing this pain?
look at the experiencer... question the questioner
and reject all the answers.
this raises doubts as to...
whether i have replaced old thoughts with new ones ?
yes, this is the only occupation of i... all the time
doubting and replacing the old thoughts with the new ones
creating confusion and perpetuating itself.
so what is unique about it ?
if i continue doing this, am i just going into a different loop ?
...like everyone else,
you are also a victim of a non-existential ghost, called i
and its galaxy of me, my, myself and mine.
it is only the i, which is actually a loop and not vice-versa
not that it is i which goes in a loop.
look at your letter and count how many times this word i is used...
shining like a full moon easily can be noticed in the text of your letter ?
or is this my minds game in trying to make me give up these attempts?
...or have i just not tried enough?
...if i is false, so is going to be its possessions
...which creates the feeling of my or mine.
vishwas, seeing the false as false, unreal as unreal, untrue as untrue
is the only way out.
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without telling myself verbally... to turn my attention

on to the watcher... how can i turn the attention
from watching and that which is being watched... to the watcher ?
...there is no watcher, sir !
and there is nothing worth watching.
watching leads no-where.
watcher is as illusory as what is being watched.
it is a dream stuff its total value is equal to a dream.
or just the realization that my attention is on watching
and that which is watched, is enough?
...attention gets consumed in watching.
actually, it should remain at the very source in itself.
the result of consumed attention is fatigue and low energy.
the result of saved attention fills oneself with happiness, joy, bliss.
why do you like watching so much?
or, do you want to prove to yourself that you are a great watcher ?
are you watching a striptease... which gives you a kick ?
...which stimulates you ?
watching is a non-profitable business.
it is only a time-pass with no gain, no loss.
dear sir ! ...why not become aware of the watcher ?
why not keep the remembrance of what is being watched
that this is not me?
when discarded as what is not me, what remains is the real,
the existential call it pure being, pure consciousness, atman,
brahman or whatever you like.
which cannot be described in words or given expression to
is a state of pure being; it is a state of pure knowing
...which is self-effulgent the very source of all and everything
which knows no fear, no death.
this state is devoid of the knower, watcher or experiencer...
having no doubt.
gurudev, am i just getting caught in irrelevant questions and doubts
and should i just shut up and continue what i am doing for a few months
at least and see what it brings?
...beloved antar vishwas, believe it or not
this is the only undisputed realization of all the buddhs
of all the enlightened ones of all the sages
since the very beginning of time...
that i is a non-existential phenomenon.
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and so is the mind... which is the foundation of the i.

pranm, anthar vishwas
with his blessings whosoever.