MEETING GUIDE

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to accompany...

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When I Say No,

I Feel Guilty

A Film Based on the # 1 Best Seller

on Assertiveness Training
by
Manuel J. Smith
starring
Dr. Smith, June Lockhart, and Fred Sherman

LearnCom

LearnCom

714 Industrial Drive, Bensenville, IL 60106

610-526-9100 800-622-3610 610-525-2563

714 Industrial Drive, Bensenville, IL 60106

610-526-9100 800-622-3610 610-525-2563

CONTENTS
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Meeting Mechanics and Set-up

Trainer Preparation

Possible uses of this film

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About the film

Sample Introduction

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Skills demonstrated in film

For trainers who wish to conduct a SAT workshop

or course

Possible discussion points after film

Meeting guide by Fred Sherman

Fred Sherman is a training consultant to industry and government. He has presented
workshops in Systematic Assertive Training to workshops and classes in the United States,
Canada, and Europe. Mr. Sherman is an instructor at UCLA and collaborated with Dr.
Manuel J. Smith on his best-selling book on SAT, When I Say No, I Feel Guilty.
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ABOUT THE FILM

Working in partnership with the trainer, the producers of WHEN I SAY N0, I FEEL GUILTY
hope to provide an important program for participants that will place them back on the
road to verbal assertiveness.

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To date, Systematic Assertiveness Training has been presented to a rapidly increasing

number of business executives, managers, salespeople, government workers, therapists,
counselors, teachers, students and laymen. This has been done by a relatively small
number of trainers who are sufficiently familiar with SAT skills. The film based on the
book, WHEN I SAY N0, I FEEL GUILTY, presents the basis for SAT and demonstrates the
relevant verbal assertive skills for the benefit of both participants and trainers.

Because of time limitations, the film concentrates on an introduction to SAT and its basic
verbal skills. This Meeting Guide suggests follow up discussion questions and material you
might want to incorporate in handout materials for participants in order to reinforce the
films message.

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We also suggest you consider giving each participant a paperback or hardcover copy of
WHEN I SAY N0, I FEEL GUILTY. The producers will help you obtain copies of the books.

MEETING MECHANICS AND SET-UP

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In any conference or training program involving the combination of a film and discussion the physical setting is extremely important. Here are some tips that will help you avoid
problems:
1. Keep the group small where possible. Although WHEN I SAY N0, I FEEL GUILTY can
stand alonediscussion is recommended. It is more productive in small groups.

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2. Provide an informal setting. Provide paper and pencil for the participants.
3. Test the room for distracting noises such as fans, etc.
4. The use of an auxiliary speaker in front of the audience will improve significantly the
projectors sound capability.
5. Check the blackout curtains or drapes to makes the room as dark as possible during the
films screening.
6. Most mechanical problems can be prevented. Check the projector carefully.
A. Is there a spare projector bulb handy?
B. In a large room, does the projectors lens have a long enough throw?

C. Is the operator completely familiar with the projector? Test its operation before
the meeting begins.
D. Has the operator cleaned the gate of the projector? This will prevent film
scratches.
E. Most film damage is the result of improper threading. Thread the
film carefully, watching to see that the sprockets are meshing properly. Run past
the leader to the first frame before the audience arrives.

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Has the operator checked the sync of the film before the meeting? An out
of-sync film is generally the result of faulty threading.

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TRAINER PREPARATION

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Minimum Preparation: 1) look at the film at least twiceonce for a general impression
and enjoyment and again for specific content; 2) review this guide.

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Better Preparation: 1) read the book WHEN I SAY NO, I FEEL GUILTY; 2) participate in a
Systematic Assertive Training workshop.

POSSIBLE USES OF THIS FILM

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1. As an introduction to a course or workshop on Assertive Training.

2. As the stimulus for a discussion on SAT.
3. The topic for a department or branch staff meeting.

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4. Training for staffs in the helping professions counseling, crisis intervention, or to

explore more effective ways of doing their jobs.
A. Dealing with inter-staff conflicts. B. Dealing with clients.
C. Helping clients cope with interpersonal conflicts.
5. Part of a training module for an Administration or Personnel Management program.
6. A teaching unit in a Psychology or Counseling Education class.

SAMPLE INTRODUCTION
Were going to see a film today on Systematic Assertive Training. Id like to discuss the
film with you after weve seen it. First, how many of you have heard of `Assertion or
`Assertiveness or `Assertive Training? What do you think its about? (Elicit definitions
and answers) Lets see how its approached in this film.

POSSIBLE DISCUSSION POINTS AFTER FILM

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(SHOW FILM)

1. Do you have a different idea now as to what Assertiveness is?

2. What are some things you like about it?

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3. What are some things you dont like about it? Are there some things that bother or
concern you about it? (Facilitate discussion)
4. What verbal skills were presented in the film? (Redefine each skill)
5. Do you see places in your life where you would like to be more assertive?

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Salespeople?
Manipulative clients or customers?
Fellow workers (peers)?
Subordinates?
Supervisors?
Friends?
Loved ones?
Hated ones?

I.
J.
K.
L.
M.
N.
0.
P.

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A.
B.
C.
D.
E.
F.
G.
H.

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6. What applications do you see (depending on composition of participants) in dealing

with:

Students?
Teachers?
Interviewing someone?
Being interviewed?
Doctors, Lawyers and other exalted ones?
Children?
Parents?
Others?

FOR TRAINERS WHO WISH TO CONDUCT A SAT WORKSHOP

OR COURSE
For sample dialogues and for further descriptions of the skills, see the book WHEN I SAY
NO, I FEEL GUILTY.

Sample: Exercise in Fogging, Broken Record and Self-Disclosure

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If you have a group whose occupations, interests, or problems are similar, make up your
own dialogues around relevant issues and conflict situations. You might have the
participants work in groups of three; an Asserter, a Manipulator, and an Observer. Write
scripts for the Asserter and the Manipulator that describe their goals in the exercise.

Prepare a descriptive page for the Asserter, another page for the Manipulator.
Direct them to practice the skills-much as the students in the film were directed.

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ASSERTER: A DIRECTIVE HAS COME FROM YOUR SUPERVISOR STATING THAT YOUR
DEPARTMENT HAS EXCEEDED ITS OVERTIME BUDGET AND THAT STARTING THIS WEEK NO
OVERTIME WILL BE ALLOWED. THIS DIRECTIVE COMES AT A PARTICULARLY BAD TIME-YOU
HAVE A LARGE CONTRACT TO GET OUT WHICH REQUIRES THAT PRODUCTION BE
MAINTAINED AT THE PRESENT LEVEL. THIS DIRECTIVE WILL NOT BE POPULAR WITH YOUR
EMPLOYEES.

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YOU ARE CALLING A MEETING NOW TO NOTIFY YOUR EMPLOYEE OF HIS DIRECTIVE.

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MANIPULATOR: YOUR BOSS HAS JUST CALLED A MEETING TO INFORM YOU THAT THERE
WILL BE NO OVERTIME PAY BECAUSE THE DEPARTMENT HAS EXCEEDED ITS OVERTIME
BUDGET. YOU HAVE BEEN WORKING OVERTIME TO GET A LARGE CONTRACT OUT. THERE IS
NO WAY THAT YOU CAN POSSIBLY DO THE WORK EFFECTIVELY WITHOUT OVERTIME. YOU
FEEL THAT YOUR BOSS DOES NOT HAVE YOUR BEST INTEREST IN MIND, AFTER ALL HE
SHOULD HAVE TOLD UPPER MANAGEMENT THAT IT WOULD BE IMPOSSIBLE TO GET THIS
CONTRACT OUT WITHOUT OVERTIME. YOU GRUMBLE ABOUT HIS COMPETENCE AS A
MANAGERWHAT DOES HE THINK YOU ARE, SUPERMAN? YOU ARE ALREADY HANDLING
MORE THAN YOU CAN JUST IN THE REGULAR WORKING DAY. DID YOUR BOSS EVEN MAKE AN
EFFORT TO CHANGE UPPER MANAGEMENTS DECISION?
SUGGESTIONS:

YOUR BOSS SOLD YOU OUT

EVERYONE IS GOING TO QUIT
THE UNION WONT STAND FOR THIS
WHY CANT WE GET EXTRA PERSONNEL

Instruct the Observer to note:

1. Is the asserter using the verbal skill as taught?
2. Does the asserter respond readily and easily?
3. Note the non-verbal behavioramount of eye contact, tone of voice, body posture
and gestures.

5. What did the manipulator do that made things difficult?

6. Feedback your observations to your group.

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4. Where did the asserter have difficulty?

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If you have less than two hours to work on skills, we suggest that you concentrate on
FOGGING and BROKEN RECORD and learn them well rather than trying to cover all the
skills quickly. The skills are most valuable when they have been learned to the extent
that the participant can employ them with a minimum of anguish. Each single exercise
could go on for five to ten minutes, followed by feedback from the observers as to how
effectively the asserter was employing the skills.

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SKILLS DEMONSTRATED IN FILM

You might consider preparing a handout for all film viewers from the following
definitions, examples and notes:

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1. BROKEN RECORD

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A skill that by calm repetition-saying what you want over and over again-teaches
persistence without your having to rehearse arguments or angry feelings beforehand,
in order to be up while dealing with others. Allows you to feel comfortable in
ignoring manipulative verbal side traps, argumentative baiting, irrelevant logic, while
sticking to your point. (In the film, Broken Record is covered from: FREDSkill No. 1.
Broken Record. A skill that by calm repetition . . . to PETE: Skill No. 1. Broken
Record. Remain focused on your goal without giving up or losing your temper.)

2. FOGGING

A skill that teaches acceptance of manipulative criticism by calmly acknowledging to

your critic the possibility that there may be some truth in what he says, yet allows you
to remain your own judge of what you do.
Allows you to receive criticism comfortably without becoming anxious or defensive,
while giving no reward to those using manipulative criticism.

Examples:
A. Agree With Truth
Youre wearing that shirt today.
Thats right; I am wearing this shirt.
(rather than Whats wrong with this shirt?

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B. Agree With The Possibility-However Slight

Youre not very organized.
Maybe Im not very organized. (rather than Whaddaya mean, not organized!
You should talk!)

C. Agree With Logic

If we bought a new car now, instead of keeping the old clunker, wed be a lot safer
out on the road and we wouldnt have these high repair bills.
Youre right. A new car would have those advantages. (rather than There you go,
another way to spend my money. Why do you keep etc. etc. etc . . .)

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D. Allow For ImprovementNobodys Perfect

Your dresses dont fit you.
Im sure they could fit better.

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E. Empathy
Youre being very unfair.
I can see how you feel that Im unfair.

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(In the film, Fogging is covered from: FRED Skills No. 2., 3., and 4. the coping
skills... to the end of the practice exercise on fogging between Jane and John.
3. NEGATIVE ASSERTION

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A skill that teaches acceptance of your errors and faults (without having to apologize)
by strongly and sympathetically agreeing with hostile or constructive criticism of your
negative qualities.
Allows you to look more comfortably at negatives in your own behavior or personality
without feeling defensive and anxious, or resorting to denial of real errors, while at
the same time reducing your critics anger or hostility.
Note the non-verbal components of Negative Assertion. The tone of voice is neither
apologetic nor hostile. You are asserting your error, not simply admitting it.
Negative Assertion is similar to fogging, but differs in that:

A. You actually made the error or possess the fault (rather than a possibility that it
happened).
B. You agree with your critics value system that your act was a negative thing (dumb,
forgetful, poor judgment, etc.)
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(In the film, Negative Assertion is illustrated immediately after Fogging. From: BILL But what if the criticism is for making a mistake ... to: PETE - ... Negative
assertion helped him extinguish the criticism.)
4. NEGATIVE INQUIRY
A skill that teaches the active prompting of criticism in order to use the information (if
helpful) or exhaust it (if manipulative) while prompting your critic to be more
assertive and less dependent on manipulative ploys.

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Allows you more comfortably to seek out criticism about yourself in close relationships
while prompting the other person to express honest negative feelings and improve
communication.

NOTES:
A. Turn the spotlight on yourself, not on your critic. What is it about me thats wrong. If
you focus on your critic, you will most likely get a defensive reaction that will not
facilitate communication.

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B. Actively invite the criticism, both verbally and non-verbally. You will elicit feelings
from your critic more effectively if you convey the message, Im very eager to hear
this valuable information. I want to know more.

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C. Specify the criticism. Listen closely to the words and help the critic focus on exactly
what is wrong.

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You say Im dressed sloppy? What is it about the way Im dressed thats sloppy?
Well, your shoes, for one thing.
What is it about my shoes thats sloppy?
Well, just look at them. You havent shined them in a month.
Then its my shoes not being shined that makes me look sloppy?
Yes-thats one thing.

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D. Exhaust the criticism.

Is there anything else about my shoes that is wrong? Or,
Is there anything besides my shoes that makes me look sloppy? Or,
There must be more things about me that are wrong than just my clothing. Or,
Are you sure theres nothing else thats wrong with me?
E. Analyze the criticism.
What is it about__________thats wrong?
F. Listen for the I statement. Remember that criticism comes from other peoples value
systems, that they are often unaware that their subjective value systems are
operating, and that behind every piece of criticism is a statement, I dont like it.
Negative inquiry is especially helpful in breaking through feelings. Only then can you
make agreements, compromises, or conclusions that have a solid basis.

G. Specify what the critic wants. You might make unwarranted assumptions if you dont
do this.
It sounds like you want me to clear things with you before I submit an Improvement
Needed evaluation.
Yes ... Well, no. Go ahead and make the decision. Just be sure to let me know as
soon as possible. Its when I dont know that youve done it that I have problems.

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(In the film, Negative Inquiry is illustrated immediately after Negative Assertion. From:
JUNE -So, okay, thats two of the three basic coping skills ... to: (the end of the
Negative Inquiry exercise between June and Fred).

5. FREE INFORMATION

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Free Information is any information besides a yes or no answer that a person

gives you about him/herself. It may or may not have anything to do with the question
you asked. Listen to the words and comment on them.

6. SELF-DISCLOSURE

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If you ask questions that begin with What, When, Where, or How, the reply will usually
furnish you, with more Free Information than questions that can be answered yes or
no. E.g., What are some things you like most about your work? will give you more
Free Information than Do you like you work?

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A skill that teaches the acceptance and initiation of discussion of both the positive and
negative aspects of your personality, behavior, lifestyle, and intelligence to enhance
social communication and reduce manipulation. It allows you comfortably to disclose
aspects of yourself and your life that previously caused feelings of ignorance, anxiety,
or guilt.

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Self-disclosures are I statements. They describe feelings going on inside us at the

moment. We take full responsibility for these feelings and do not blame others for them.
Thus, You are making me very angry. is not a self-disclosure, but I am getting very
angry at you. is.
Sample Self-Disclosures:

I enjoy being with you.

Im confused.
I dont know.
I really like what you said.
Im annoyed.
Im not comfortable.

Our relationship is very important to me.

I would like to understand it better.
I dont know the answer to that.
Im feeling pressed right now.
Id like to think a minute before answering you.

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