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THE ONLINE DATING REVIEW

K. S.
84 pages
Romantic Comedy / Present
Analyst: KS
3/30/15

WHAT WORKS / WHAT DOESN'T / SUGGESTIONS

This is a potentially sweet and somewhat original romantic

comedy. The app and online dating elements make it topical and
the characters are also promising. However, the fact that Mila
and Pratt met because of online dating doesnt necessarily make
for a sellable hook.
Consider a theme thats commenting on either the good elements or
bad elements of online dating. There could be an idea presented
that online dating is taking the romance out of relationships.
Perhaps the point is that online dating is the best way to weed
out potentially bad dates.
Whatever the focus, a strong thematic idea could make the piece
more engaging as well as give the piece something of a hook.
Given the introduction of the app, it seems that would be the
focus for a pro online dating theme.
Again, a more specific
point of view will greatly improve the story.
The coincidence that Mila is at the restaurant to meet a man who
looks a lot like Pratt and vice versa is a little hard to buy.
As a meet cute, this feels contrived.
It is endearing that
they have both had bad online dating experiences and they happen
to meet each other, but there should be at least an element of
realism to this pivotal moment.

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The first kiss between Pratt and Mila feels like it comes a
little too soon. If were supposed to assume theyve spent more
time together than weve seen and are therefore better
acquainted, this needs to be made clearer.
Preferably done
without the standard and overused romantic comedy montage.
The emotional aspects of this romantic comedy arent as well
developed as they could be. Theres no sense that Mila and Pratt
have connected and are starting to fall for each other. It feels
as if more attention is being paid to the humor than to the
emotional content of the story.
On p. 13, Pratt describes Mila as cool, spontaneous and funny.
We should see more of that from Mila. Her personality should be
more distinct, so that when Pratt describes her to his friends,
weve seen this.
Pratt too should have a more distinct personality by this point.
Because this is a romantic comedy, the two members of the
romantic duo need to be clear, unique and engaging. We should be
attached to Pratts positive qualities before we see him cower
before Ron.
On p. 19 Dynamite Napoleon describes Pratt as being funny. This
needs to be more apparent. This could be a workable element. If
Pratt is particularly funny, this could be an organic source of
humor for the piece, but we need to see him be more actively and
intentionally funny.
The references to characters in other TV shows and movies, as
well as real life actors, are confusing.
If this is simply
intended to show the type of character this is, thats not the
best choice either.
Instead of this piece being filled with
stereotypical characters from other projects, this cast of
characters should be unique and engaging all on their own. Its
also odd to have a real app, Snapchat, and make the founder a
fictional character.
The joke that everyone is mistaking Pratt for gay feels gimmicky.
It comes out of nowhere rather than being a constant theme in
Pratts life, and it doesnt really move the story forward. It
feels as if its there solely to provide humor rather than being
an organic part of the story.
The jump from Catalina Island to Best Buy is a bit jarring. Not
a whole lot happens on Catalina Island, which makes it unclear

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why its included in the story. There should be a complete story
beat centered around this Catalina trip, which comes to a
conclusion before we jump to the next story beat.
There are a couple of suggestions by the writer for scenes that
can be added to fill out the story. However, a better approach
is to have a story thats more specific and thought out so that
each scene will be imperative to moving the story forward.
In general, this story tends to meander rather than be driven by
anything. Theres no conflict keeping this couple apart. As a
result, were just following them as they date rather than
rooting for them to get together.
The incident that breaks them up the first time isnt clear or
dramatic enough. Its not apparent why Mila reacted so strongly.
Not showing Mila over these two weeks doesnt help clarify the
situation.
The second breakup also feels manufactured and a bit
clichd.
The wrestling sequence feels a bit long, mostly because its not
really related to the growing romance between Mila and Pratt. It
could work as a quick bit, if it somehow impacts their
relationship, but as-is its much too long.
While Lisa catching Mila and Pratt having sex is amusing, its
not relevant to the story. If this is to be included it should
be because it has a story purpose, not just to be humorous.
A stronger structure would greatly benefit this script.
Since
its a romantic comedy, it makes sense to have it follow the
standard romantic comedy structure.
Theres a good resource
called Writing the Romantic Comedy by Billy Mernit that
describes this structure.
The trick to making this a unique and engaging romantic comedy is
to create original characters, original situations and original
humor. With the strong backbone of a romantic comedy structure,
this script could work.
On p. 18, theres a reference BLAH BLAH DIALOGUE. Instead of
trying to figure out what dialogue should be here, the focus
should be on what story beats should be included here. The focus
should be on what needs to be said in this section to move the
story forward, develop character and further the relationship
between Mila and Pratt.

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The scenes between Mila and her father arent particularly
interesting or amusing.
Much more could be done to establish
their dynamic and to make their interaction more humorous.
The best way to do
their characters and
a mild sense that
specifics could make

this is to be more specific about each of

their relationship with each other. We get
their relationship is strained, but more
the scenes between them more interesting.

Theres a decent amount of humor in the piece, but there could be

more. The best way to punch up the humor is to have more fully
developed characters and a more conflict driven story.
The humor should come from the interactions of the characters and
the tension of the conflict. One good example of humor albeit a
bit clichd is Zooey thinking the boatload of guys is catcalling
to her.
This could come from a characteristic that Zooey is a bit of an
airhead, or it could be that she is so used to men catcalling
her, it doesnt occur to her that they arent looking at her.
The problem with this second example is that she has a gay
roommate, so she comes across as not very bright if she cant
tell this particular group of guys is gay.
The bit is funny, but the reason behind the bit should come from
more specific character development. This is true of the humor,
in general, throughout the script.
The jokes should come
organically
from
the
characters
and
their
interpersonal
relationships, rather than manufactured for the sake of having
jokes throughout the story.
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SCREENPLAY READERS SCRIPT ANALYSIS GRID

STORY

Needs Work

Concept is fresh and/or original

Concept is/contains a strong and/or buzzworthy hook

Theme is well executed/interweaved well

First 10 pages set up the story well

First 10 pages are compelling

Script is well structured

Every scene in the script feels essential

Scenes are the appropriate length

Stakes are clear/conflict is strong and/or compelling

Characters' choices drive the story forward

Pacing is strong and the story keeps moving

Story is not overly complicated or hard to follow

Flashbacks/narrative jumps are clear and don't confuse the

reader

Tension builds/escalates throughout

The climax/resolution is satisfying

Fair

CHARACTER / DIALOGUE
Protagonist(s) is (are) likable and/or compelling

Supporting characters are likable and/or compelling

No characters were extraneous

Dialogue reads as natural and/or believable within this

story
Dialogue reveals character

X
X

READABILITY
Format and presentation adheres to industry standards

Spelling, punctuation, grammar, and usage

Action text is concise, not overly descriptive/prose

Action text "shows" instead of "tells"

Overall readability

OVERALL ANALYST RATING (PASS/CONSIDER/RECOMMEND)

PASS

Excellent

GLOSSARY OF CATEGORY TERMS

Concept is fresh or original
How original, fresh, or unique our analyst found your script's concept to be.
A low score in this category isn't always bad, as many script buyers prefer
tried and true concepts.
Concept is/contains a strong and/or buzzworthy hook
Does your concept have a strong hook? In short, this is a measure of how much
our analyst estimates it would cause people who hear it say "I wish I'd
thought of that."
Theme is well executed/interweaved well
Does your story have a strong theme or motif? Is it worked into your story
well?
First 10 pages set up the story well
How our analyst feels your first 10 pages help get things in motion.
First 10 pages are compelling
Do your first 10 pages draw the reader and the audience into your story and
engage them?
Script is well structured
Does your script have a structure, whether it's 3-act, 8-act or something
completely different?
If it sets up a new structural convention, does it
serve the story well?
Every scene in the script feels essential
Does each and every scene serve a purpose in propelling the plot, or revealing
character, or setting a tone, or engaging the reader?
Scenes are the appropriate length
Are your scenes too long, or too short, for what they're presenting?
Stakes are clear/conflict is strong and/or compelling
Are the stakes high enough?
conflict?

Is it clear what they are? Does your story have

Characters' choices drive the story forward

Do your characters' actions, choices, and reactions drive the story? Does
causality drive your plot, or do your scenes unfold too arbitrarily, or too
episodically?
Pacing is strong and the story keeps moving
Whether your story is intended to be fast-paced or a slow burn, does the
pacing feel right?
Story is not overly complicated or hard to follow
Do you have too many scenes, characters, plot threads, reveals, or any other
elements that are making things too hard for a reader or audience to follow?

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Flashbacks/narrative jumps are clear and don't confuse the reader
If your story jumps back and forth through time, is it always clear to the
reader where/when we are?
Tension builds/escalates throughout
Does your story build tension?

Does it do it well?

The climax/resolution is satisfying

Did everything in your story come to a resolution in a way that makes sense,
and will be entertaining to an audience?
Protagonist(s) is (are) likable and/or compelling
The protagonist doesn't necessarily have to be likable, but they should at
least be fun to watch.
Supporting characters are likable and/or compelling
Are your supporting characters interesting to watch?
No characters were extraneous
Does every character in your script serve a purpose?
characters that don't do much for the story?

Or do we spend time with

Dialogue reads as natural and/or believable within this story

Does your dialogue sound authentic within the parameters you've set up for
your story? If it's a modern, gritty cop movie, do the cops sound real? If
it's an alien space adventure, do the alien overlords speak in way that lets
us suspend our disbelief?
Dialogue reveals character
When your characters talk, does what they say or how they say it tell us more
about them as characters?
Format and presentation adheres to industry standards
Does your script look and feel like what the film industry at large would
consider to be a pro screenplay?
Spelling, punctuation, grammar, and usage
How well did you manually spellcheck? Did you use "their" when you meant
"there?"
Action text is concise, not overly descriptive/prose
Are your action lines crisp, brief, and easy to visualize quickly?
have a lot of extraneous description?

Or do they

Action text "shows" instead of "tells"

Does your script's action text and description tell us how a character is
feeling?
Or, preferably, does it show us by having that character do
something?
Overall readability
How easy to read our analyst feels your script would be for an agent, agent's
assistant, contest reader, producer, or other film industry reader.

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Overall Rating
Please note: We give our analysts great leeway in determining the final rating
of your script. The total of X marks in any particular column does not
necessarily weight the script towards any particular rating.
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PASS - The script is definitely not a lost cause, but it needs a lot of work.
95% of the scripts we read receive a PASS.
CONSIDER - The script still needs work, but may be considered by an agency,
producer, contest, et cetera. 4% of the scripts we read receive a CONSIDER.
RECOMMEND - The script is good to go, or very close. 1% or fewer of the
scripts we read receive a RECOMMEND.

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