Get Respect From My Teen

Get Respect from My
Teen
Work Together to Create a
Respectful Atmosphere in Your
Home
Compiled by:
Table of Contents
How to Respect (and Love) a Disrespectful Teen
How to "Fight Fair" with Your Teen
Hold a Family Summit on Respect
How to Respectfully Disagree in a Disrespectful World
When Is Disrespect a Sign of Something Serious?
How Respectful Am I?
Get Respect from My Teen
Work Together to Create a Respectful Atmosphere in Your Home
Do I need this EduGuide?
Yes, if you parent teenagers whose disrespectful behavior is driving you crazy. This EduGuide shows how teaching teens respect
and modeling it yourselfcan improve parents' relationships with their adolescent children.
How does it work?
l Quizzes help you know where you stand.
l Articles give you the background information you need to make a decision.
2 l ShortCuts help you take immediate action. Choose one or go through them all.
ONLINE EDUGUIDE www.EduGuide.org
Get Respect from My Teen
Work Together to Create a Respectful Atmosphere in Your Home
Do I need this EduGuide?
Yes, if you parent teenagers whose disrespectful behavior is driving you crazy. This EduGuide shows how teaching teens respect
and modeling it yourselfcan improve parents' relationships with their adolescent children.
How does it work?
l Quizzes help you know where you stand.
l Articles give you the background information you need to make a decision.
l ShortCuts help you take immediate action. Choose one or go through them all.
What will I learn?
l Why teenagers are disrespectful
l When disrespect is serious
l How to respect your teen
l How to "fight fair"
l How to hold a family meeting
l How to disagree respectfully
Quick Solutions
l What can I do in fifteen minutes? Take the quiz "How Respectful am I?"
l What can I do in a few days? Prepare for and conduct a family summit on respect.
Want more respect from your teen? Show respect: to your teen, your spouse, your community, and to yourself. You can’t
force someone to respect you, but you do have the right to be treated with respect if you model respect. Modeling respect is
not hard, just keep in mind the following tips:
l Be honest. If you do something wrong, admit it and apologize.
l Obey the law and follow the rules. Some rules are dumb and many are inconvenient. You don’t have to follow the
3 rule—unless you want your teen to.
l Observe poor role models. When you see examples of disrespect, point them out and discuss them. Ask your teen
how he or she would have handled the situation.

Want more respect from your teen? Show respect: to your teen, your spouse, your community, and to yourself. You can’t
force someone to respect you, but you do have the right to be treated with respect if you model respect. Modeling respect is
not hard, just keep in mind the following tips:
l Be honest. If you do something wrong, admit it and apologize.
l Obey the law and follow the rules. Some rules are dumb and many are inconvenient. You don’t have to follow the
rule—unless you want your teen to.
l Observe poor role models. When you see examples of disrespect, point them out and discuss them. Ask your teen
how he or she would have handled the situation.
l Walk the talk. If you have to tell a joke about someone’s religion, culture, age, gender, sexual orientation, appearance,
or politics, tell it on yourself. That way, you know you’ll only be offending one person.
l Be positive. When you see your teen showing respect—to you, another family member, friends, or a stranger—praise
him or her.
l Be gentle. Teenagers are highly sensitive to criticism. Don’t embarrass, insult, or make fun of your child—especially in
front of other people.
l Be fair. Listen carefully to your child’s side of the story. There may be a good reason why your kid behaved that way.
l Loosen the reins. Start adding a few new rights and responsibilities for your teen shortly before you feel ready to; he
or she has probably been ready for some time. If your child doesn’t handle the new freedom well, let him or her face the
consequences.
l Learn to compromise. Go clothes shopping together so you can see what styles your teen likes. Let your teen know
from the beginning what clothes are appropriate without insulting his or her taste, and find opportunities to compromise.
Still not sure you are modeling respect for your teen as well as you might? Take our quick quiz, "How Respectful Am I?" and
find out.
Sources
Parenting Teens with Love and Logic, F. Cline and J. Fay;
Dr. Martha Farrell Erickson ,director of the Univ. of Minnesota's Children, Youth and Family Consortium
Your teenage daughter has just called you a "lazy slob" in front of her friends. Your teenage son walks out of the room every
4 time you try to have a conversation about his drinking. You’re so mad you could scream. Welcome to the world of adolescent
parenting.
Dr. Martha Farrell Erickson ,director of the Univ. of Minnesota's Children, Youth and Family Consortium
Your teenage daughter has just called you a "lazy slob" in front of her friends. Your teenage son walks out of the room every
time you try to have a conversation about his drinking. You’re so mad you could scream. Welcome to the world of adolescent
parenting.
Getting angry is perfectly normal, but it won’t get you what you want. Even if your teenager's behavior causes you to lose your
temper—and it probably will—you can still control the situation. Here’s how:
Buy Yourself Some Time
Engage in some activities to relieve parent stress. Take a deep breath. Walk away if you have to until you can speak and act
calmly. Despite how they may act, teens don’t like being unable to get parents' attention, positive or negative.
Restate the Ground Rules
Calmly and without shame, remind your child of the family rules for respectful interaction. For tips on how to create a Family
Respect Agreement, see EduGuide ShortCut: "How to Hold a Family Summit on Respect."
Give a Rerun
Ask your teen if he or she would like a rerun—a chance to start over again as though the unacceptable behavior never
happened. A rerun gives your child a second chance to act the way he or she should. As a parent, you are entitled to a rerun
(or two) yourself.
Listen—and Watch What Happens
More than anything, a teen wants his or her voice to be heard. Some kids find a facetoface confrontation uncomfortable—so,
if you have a teen like that, suggest taking a walk or doing an active chore together. Then wait. Don’t interrupt and don’t set the
discussion topic. You may be amazed at how much your teen will say if you keep quiet.
Know Your Own Strength
Don’t ignore the behavior (it will get worse), but don’t give your teen an order or insist on a punishment that you can’t
physically enforce. Nothing kills respect faster than an empty threat. Nothing, except failing to...
Respect Yourself to Gain Your Teen's Respect
You can’t expect your kid to respect you if you let others treat you disrespectfully.
"As teenagers move toward greater independence and responsibility, discussing and negotiating helps them develop important
reasoning, communication, and interpersonal skills. As a parent, you have a responsibility to help your teenager practice these
skills within boundaries of respect and gratitude."
Dr. Martha Farrell Erickson

5 ONLINE EDUGUIDE www.EduGuide.org
SOURCES

SOURCES
Foster Cline and Jim Fay, Parenting Teens with Love and Logic
Dr. Martha Farrell Erickson, director of the Univ. of Minnesota Children, Youth and Family Consortium
Things to Do ahead of Time
1. Pick a date. Write it on a calendar that everyone in the family can see. Explain briefly that that meeting is about respect
and teaching character, and make sure everyone knows the meeting is mandatory.
2. Make copies of the Respect Inventory for each family member. Do this one week before the meeting, and ask
everyone to have it finished in time for the meeting.
3. Tell family members to keep a Respect Log for the week. Ask them to keep notes on the times they felt
disrespected, saw disrespect, or acted disrespectfully.
4. Pick a location for the meeting that is comfortable and quiet. Turn off the TV, the computer, and the cell phones.
Choose a setting where a can express his feelings.
5. Make the meeting fun. Order a pizza or make ice cream sundaes to get everyone in a relaxed mood. The topic is
serious, but the meeting doesn’t have to be.
How to Conduct the Summit
6. Start the meeting by reading examples from the Respect Logs. After all family members have had a chance to
share, ask each person what makes him or her feel respected and what makes him or her feel disrespected
7. Read each question on the Respect Inventory. Celebrate the areas in which all family members agree and discuss
areas of disagreement, but set a time limit (for example, five minutes of discussion for every point of disagreement). If
someone comes up with other categories (choice of friends, books, music, etc.), write them down and discuss them.
Welcome discussion, but make sure your kids understand that as parents, you have the final say. Work hard to find
compromises.
8. Create a list of consequences for disrespectful behavior. For example, first offense: apology accepted; second
offense: sit down and discuss; third offense: privileges withheld (cell phone, TV, computer, friends, etc.) for a specified
length of time.
9. Write up your Family Respect Agreement. Use the Respect Inventory and list of consequences.
10. End the meeting on a positive note. Talk about what everyone has learned from the meeting and what strategies you
will use next time.

After the Summit
Dr. Martha Farrell Erickson, director of the Univ. of Minnesota Children, Youth and Family Consortium
Things to Do ahead of Time
1. Pick a date. Write it on a calendar that everyone in the family can see. Explain briefly that that meeting is about respect
and teaching character, and make sure everyone knows the meeting is mandatory.
2. Make copies of the Respect Inventory for each family member. Do this one week before the meeting, and ask
everyone to have it finished in time for the meeting.
3. Tell family members to keep a Respect Log for the week. Ask them to keep notes on the times they felt
disrespected, saw disrespect, or acted disrespectfully.
4. Pick a location for the meeting that is comfortable and quiet. Turn off the TV, the computer, and the cell phones.
Choose a setting where a can express his feelings.
5. Make the meeting fun. Order a pizza or make ice cream sundaes to get everyone in a relaxed mood. The topic is
serious, but the meeting doesn’t have to be.
How to Conduct the Summit
6. Start the meeting by reading examples from the Respect Logs. After all family members have had a chance to
share, ask each person what makes him or her feel respected and what makes him or her feel disrespected
7. Read each question on the Respect Inventory. Celebrate the areas in which all family members agree and discuss
areas of disagreement, but set a time limit (for example, five minutes of discussion for every point of disagreement). If
someone comes up with other categories (choice of friends, books, music, etc.), write them down and discuss them.
Welcome discussion, but make sure your kids understand that as parents, you have the final say. Work hard to find
compromises.
8. Create a list of consequences for disrespectful behavior. For example, first offense: apology accepted; second
offense: sit down and discuss; third offense: privileges withheld (cell phone, TV, computer, friends, etc.) for a specified
length of time.
9. Write up your Family Respect Agreement. Use the Respect Inventory and list of consequences.
10. End the meeting on a positive note. Talk about what everyone has learned from the meeting and what strategies you
will use next time.
After the Summit
11. Post the final list where everyone can see it. And don’t be afraid to modify the list if necessary.

11. Post the final list where everyone can see it. And don’t be afraid to modify the list if necessary.
How to Respectfully Disagree in a Disrespectful World
Following are some suggestions to consider when you and your child disagree. Remember: disagreements are unavoidable. It’s how
you disagree that matters.
l Listen carefully to your child without interrupting. Repeat the main points in your own words, and then ask whether you heard
correctly. Clear up misunderstandings on the spot.
l Show that you are interested in what your child is saying and sympathetic to his or her feelings by using such sentences as
Would you tell me more about…, Can you give me an example of…, and I can understand why you would feel that way.
l Use specific I statements rather than general you statements. For example, you might say I feel as though the family is
incomplete when you don’t join us on visits to grandma instead of You never visit grandma with us.
l Support your feelings and opinions with facts. You might tell your teenager that he or she is not allowed to talk on a cell
phone while driving because cell phones distract drivers and cause accidents. That’s a fact.
l Stick to the present. Concentrate on the issue at hand.
l Aim to understand and communicate rather than win. Frequently, you and your child will simply have to agree to disagree.
You may not end the disagreement in smiles, but both of you should feel understood and respected.
l Compromise whenever possible, but recognize that a compromise may not please either you or your child completely.
l Don’t be discouraged! Respectful disagreement takes practice, and if your family is like every other, you’re sure to get plenty of
opportunities for that.
Barbara Rickard
Your sweet baby has turned into a defiant teen, and you’re left wondering where the handbook for teenage discipline is. You
ask yourself questions like these: Is there anything teens respect? Is there a trick when it comes to dealing with teenagers? Is
this kind of aggression in children considered normal behavior? When is this disrespectful teenager's behavior going to end?
Is disrespectful behavior normal? Sometimes. Is it acceptable? No.
You can expect all defiant teens to be mouthy and grumpy sometimes. But how can you tell if your teen’s manners, or lack
thereof, is “normal,” or if your kid has a more serious problem? Severe aggressive behavior in children can be a sign that your
teen needs help from a professional. Here are ten warning signs that your teenager’s behavior may be cause for concern:
1.Your teen's behavior puts him or her or other family members in physical danger.
2.Your teen's behavior has become abnormal for her or him: sleeping too little or too long; hating what was once loved or
loving what was once hated; avoiding friends or spending too much time with them.
3. Your teen is increasingly disrespectful, dishonest, or disobedient without any regard to the consequences.
4. Your teen completely ignores or rebels against the family rules.
5. Your teen makes outright or suggested threats of suicide, cuts or injures him or herself, or takes excessive risks
(physical, sexual, or by drug/alcohol use).
6. Your teen begins treating people or pets in a threatening manner. Physically harming animals is a sign of a serious
problem.
7. Your teen thinks he or she is the center of your family, disregarding the feelings, time, or belongings of other family
opportunities for that.
Barbara Rickard
Your sweet baby has turned into a defiant teen, and you’re left wondering where the handbook for teenage discipline is. You
ask yourself questions like these: Is there anything teens respect? Is there a trick when it comes to dealing with teenagers? Is
this kind of aggression in children considered normal behavior? When is this disrespectful teenager's behavior going to end?
Is disrespectful behavior normal? Sometimes. Is it acceptable? No.
You can expect all defiant teens to be mouthy and grumpy sometimes. But how can you tell if your teen’s manners, or lack
thereof, is “normal,” or if your kid has a more serious problem? Severe aggressive behavior in children can be a sign that your
teen needs help from a professional. Here are ten warning signs that your teenager’s behavior may be cause for concern:
1. Your teen's behavior puts him or her or other family members in physical danger.
2. Your teen's behavior has become abnormal for her or him: sleeping too little or too long; hating what was once loved or
loving what was once hated; avoiding friends or spending too much time with them.
3. Your teen is increasingly disrespectful, dishonest, or disobedient without any regard to the consequences.
4. Your teen completely ignores or rebels against the family rules.
5. Your teen makes outright or suggested threats of suicide, cuts or injures him or herself, or takes excessive risks
(physical, sexual, or by drug/alcohol use).
6. Your teen begins treating people or pets in a threatening manner. Physically harming animals is a sign of a serious
problem.
7. Your teen thinks he or she is the center of your family, disregarding the feelings, time, or belongings of other family
members.
8. Your teen has had months of counseling with little or no positive progress.
9. Your teen refuses to do anything with the family.
10. Your teen can’t stay away from friends who have destructive behavior and attitudes.
If your teenager has been exhibiting at least five of the behaviors described above for more than six months, contact a school
counselor or principal, a teacher your child respects, your family doctor, or a professional therapist. If you have tried
counseling and it isn’t working, ask for a referral to a different counselor. Trust your instincts—no one knows your child better
than you do. If you need to, get help for both of you.
Sources:
sciencenewsforkids.org
www.4parents.gov
www.askdrsears.com
kidshealth.org
Barbara Rickard holds a B.S. from Michigan Technological University and is the mother of three children in elementary, middle, and high school. She has
volunteered in the public schools for 10 years, including 4 as a PTA Board Member.

volunteered in the public schools for 10 years, including 4 as a PTA Board Member.
Due to the dynamic nature of our quizzes, they are only available on the web. Follow the addresses below to take a quiz on our
website.
http://www.eduguide.org/Parents/TakeQuiz/tabid/114/quizId/32/view/StepTakeQuiz/Default.aspx

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