Pre-Writing

Varun Gupta (MFLDP)

Sales letter

Dear Chrystal,

I read through the attached memo and identified some mistakes in the memo.
The mistakes are as follows:-

Redundancy Some of the sentences in the memo are redundant. Redundant

sentences give out the same meaning to the reader. The reader prefers
concise writing.

Wordiness Too many useless words clutter the writing. User prefers simple &
direct writing.

Informal Writing A business memo should be written in a formal tone;

however, the tone of the given memo is informal. An Informal tone sends the
wrong message in an organizational setting.

Improper use of comma splices and punctuations proper use of comma and
punctuation enhances the readability of the document. A reader may face
problems in readability of the document if comma splices are evident and
punctuations are improperly used.

Grammatical Errors The document has many grammatical mistakes that are
as follows:

Improper use of conjunctions

Passive voice
Needless Adverbs such as definitely.
Use of This instead of a proper subject

Subject of the Memo The subject of the memo should be clear and concise, and
should describe the purpose of the memo. The subject stated in the message is
not clear and provides inadequate information.
Please go through the accompanying memo that is free from all these errors.
Thank you.
Yours Sincerely,
Varun Gupta

Memorandum
To: K.CI Wallerstein, Vice President, Operations
From: Nicole Young, Manager, Accounting Department
Date: June 5, 2014
Subject: Installation of New Wiring in Accounting Department
The employees working in the Accounting Department are facing problems
due to the outdated wiring. The wiring connects all the equipment and
telephone lines together and is not organized correctly. Also, the uneven
wiring on the ceilings is a safety concern for the employees. The technicians
we contacted to fix the problem said that our system is appalling and must
be immediately replaced.
In the light of this problem, I propose to install under carpet wiring that will
have the following benefits:

Flexibility With under carpet wiring the cables of equipment will

be easier to move around, offering flexibility and convenience for
the staff.

Safety The new under carpet wiring is flat, flexible and thin which
will be installed under carpets, thus creating a safe work
environment as the staff can readily move around now.

Economical Installation of under carpet wiring will cost $75000

which is inexpensive when compared to renovating the entire
department with round wiring costing $200,000. The installation of
under carpet wiring will save the company $125,000

Productive work environment Clean and safe work

environment will add to the productivity of employees.

If the proposal seems workable, I recommend that we install the new wiring
system in the Accounting Department. Employees in the department will also
appreciate a healthy, clutter-free working environment. I will follow up with
you next Friday, June 20 to discuss possible implementation.